Rainy Journal 2022

[sanmagic7]

i agree w/ armee - we're learning to be human, rainy, including the idea that we will mistakes at times.  however, we are also learning a mistake is just that, something to learn from rather than beat ourselves up about.  that's what others did to us when we weren't their idea of how we were supposed to be.  we are breaking that tradition, even if it's sometimes a slow and bumpy process.  and, yes, your colleague sucked for tattling, and it does warrant anger.  i, too, am just learning about the appropriateness of anger in certain situations.  love and hugs, rainy

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I will have chance to repair with that student.  I appreciate your support.
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San, I appreciate your words.  I watched a continuing education video today where the presenter really modeled acknowledging how we have done things from a less informed place.  I am glad I had time today to watch that.
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I just realized that it has been a year since I put in my resignation at that job that was so miserable.  I have come a long way since then.  I am glad I left.

I didn't hear anything from any bosses today about the tattle so hopefully they will just handle it and leave me out of it.

Today I watched a continuing education video about interoception (which is our sense of our feelings and body signals).  I am glad I watched it because it was helpful to hear the person speak about it and it gave a lot of insight.

I do feel a bit confused in my relationship to my husband - he hasn't told me much of anything about his trip and he's been quiet this week.  I don't think he enjoyed his trip and he did return to work after 3 months off.  It's just hard to be with a person that doesn't tell me how they are.  I start to worry he isn't happy and I feel responsible.  Not as much as I used to, but it is still there.  This could have nothing to do with me and could be about his own journey.

Today he told me he is planning to go visit his family next month.  He is going then so that we won't "have to" go for the holidays.  That actually makes my day.  Maybe this will be an opportunity for us to rewrite how we spend the holidays.  It does annoy me though because he has already seen his family like 4 times this year and if I remember right he told me his parents are coming to visit our area in January.  I can't stand all of this...but it is also nice he is accepting my need for boundaries with his family. 

I hope to get some good sleep tonight and finish off the week well.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy. Hopefully this means you can do holidays your own way now.

[rainydiary]

Thanks CF 
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I am not ending this day in a good place.  The day was too busy and hectic for my nervous system. 

I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of tomorrow - I have an appointment early tomorrow which is making me feel rushed and on edge.

I come home and the dishes and preparing dinner (which creates more dishes) and husband just lounging overwhelmed me.

Our life has gotten back out of balance with the return to work.  I recognize it but am still so mad that I feel like I do so much labor in the home without support.

I just feel upset.  I work so hard in every aspect of my life and it feels like I am behind no matter yet or putting my energy into the wrong things. 

I am hoping I don't get sick as one student unintentionally spit while talking and some went in my mouth and another today had a cough that didn't sound great.  It is the reality of working with kids, but I am noticing a lot of fear in myself around getting sick. 

I am feeling so disappointed in how bad I feel right now. 

[sanmagic7]

dearest rainy, first and foremost, i hope you don't get sick.  after that it just saddens me about the dynamic w/ your hub and his family.  i'm glad he's going to them and letting you stay behind.  hopefully, as you mentioned, you and he can begin making your own holiday traditions and memories that are pleasant and meaningful to the both of you.

that thing about housework not being attended to equally by both parties just sucks.  i hope you can find a way to divvy up those chores more evenly, one in which he'll participate.   then again, i don't know how much friction that might bring up.  i just feel for partners who get into this rut - it's so hard to find a way out.  just rambling thoughts.

i think that anniversary is meaningful.  i hope your work situation never reaches that point again.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your words.  I am noticing that with the level of overwhelm I felt yesterday I was back in a place where I am seeing issues everywhere.  Yes there are things that it would be helpful to address but I was throwing everything out there in an attempt to protect myself.  Thank you for supporting me.
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I did not sleep well last night - someone was running in the hallway last night and it woke me up.  I woke up again to the sound of the child of one of our neighbors crying.  I was also worried about getting up on time and felt so mad that I was pushing myself like this on a weekend.

I woke up and went for my run.  The run was a positive experience and I loved being outside at the time I was out (around sunrise).  It wasn't crowded and it was just right.

My windshield replacement is not resolved and I am feeling extremely frustrated and stuck and angry about it.  I've been waiting 6 months for the company my insurance insists I use to get the windshield.  I show up today and the worker realized they didn't order the correct windshield. 

I leave with the understanding he would call and find out about the right windshield on Monday.  I'm almost home and he calls me back to say that he found a windshield that would work that was earmarked for another customer.  So I drive all the way back and leave my car. 

An hour later he calls and says he has bad news which is that my car computer was throwing codes that mean his team was unable to move forward.  So I drove back for a third time and now am unclear where I am at.  I'm also not feeling like they were being honest with me - it seems like they didn't actually have a windshield and are just making things up. 

I don't want to go back to that place.  My husband is suggesting I call dealerships and see who will help me.  I know that dealers don't replace windshields but I believe some will coordinate with a company to come and replace the windshield.  This is wise and I would appreciate a dealership's help as my car seems to be unique to the glass place I went to and I don't want them to mess my car up.  But the thought of calling service centers makes me so uneasy and I feel like I will be unsuccessful.  I decided to set that thought aside for today so that I could rest but the uncertainty is eating at a me a bit.

I still feel a bit out of sorts today.  There is a lot of emotion underneath churning and I don't understand what is happening.  Things just feel hard right now and I am being hard on myself for it.  I am slipping back into pressuring myself to be something I wish I was. 

[CactusFlower]

HUGS, rainy. I can see how that would be extremely frustrating to deal with. I certainly hope some dealer can help you towards a new windshield.

Glad you were able to enjoy outside for your run, though. I'm sure it was lovely at that time of day.

[rainydiary]

CF, I appreciate your support.  I think what is most frustrating is how much energy and worry and planning I put into Saturday for it all the come to nothing but an unclear path forward.  I will figure this out eventually but right now it stinks.
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I am in a defensive place right now.

I am realizing more and more that I would rather not continue working in the role I currently have been for 10+ years.  I think it keeps me in a state of discomfort and unease that is not good for me. 

I am not sure what I will do next.  I also have until June before this current assignment is over.  I am really afraid.

And then there are my relationships with others.  My husband, friends, colleagues, family.  I feel so bad at being in relationship with anyone.  I do not seem to be getting my needs met.  I am trying really hard but feel like I am moving backwards.

I hope that I can find gentleness for myself this week. 

[Armee]

Rainy,

It sounds really overwhelming and to feel scared is a terrible feeling. I'm sorry.

I don't want to seem like I am advice giving. I'm just wondering...I never see you mention therapy...is that something off the tables for you? I can understand many reasons why that would not be the right approach it just makes me feel sad that so many relationships feel bad to you. And that's something therapy can help with. Not that it is your fault but a therapist could possibly help figure out what dynamics are in play and how to get something more satisfying.

I'm sorry if I am out of bounds to ask and I'm sure there's a very good reason this isn't something you are currently using toward healing and you don't need to share that with anyone you don't want to.

[Papa Coco]

Rainy,

Armee's term, overwhelmed, sounds right to me. If you are able to do more runs in the morning, then that's one thing to help reduce the stress. I guess that if it works, keep doing it.

The world really IS crazy right now. It's not us. We're just responding to a very chaotic global environment. I'm glad we have each other to talk it out. We're stronger together. I don't believe that what happens around us is as important as how we choose to care for each other while it's happening. This forum is one of the places where many of us find the empathy and connection that keeps us all from going bonkers. Trust in the love we're sharing with one another. I really, truly am hoping things settle down for you, and that the trauma-brain finds a way to relax a bit for you.

I've been struggling with car issues since May. Same thing, no parts, not enough employees to work on it. My Jeep sat in a transmission repair lot for 8 weeks while the wrong transmissions kept coming in. Promises that it was ready to pick up kept coming and going. I was trapped on a communication rollercoaster while waiting for my vehicle to return to me. I was more and more worried that I'd left it with the wrong mechanic. Self-doubt was getting worse by the day. Well, after 9 weeks I finally got it back, but now that same Jeep is stuck 160 miles away down at the beach with a nasty knocking coming from under the hood. The soonest appointment I could get at the Jeep dealership near its location is 4 weeks from now. Once I get it in the shop, THEN I assume I'll have to wait for parts. We were going to sell off our old pickup when we bought the Jeep, but decided that since it was paid for, why not keep it around. Thank goodness we did. It's been getting a lot of miles on it lately. BUT frustrating!!!!!! Getting what I believe are honest answers from contractors and mechanics these days is a trick unto itself.

When I read about your chaotic situation with the windshield AND your work situation, AND your neighborly noise situation, AND your worries about the stress on your relationships, well...Wow. That's a lot of balls to juggle at one time, especially for a person with C-PTSD. You are not crazy. Your world is just bunching up on you right now. My T always helps me through times like this by reminding me that as an adult I do have the capacity to handle this kind of chaos, but my inner child tends to grab the reins and drag both of me into distress. My T reminds me to have my competent inner adult give my frustrated inner child a big hug and a promise that we are going to work this out and everything will be fine.

So give yourself a big hug from adult you to child you. My heart is with yours. Hugs, hugs, hugs: 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate the perspective.  Therapy is off and on for me and not something I have gained a lot of healing from.  I have found the most healing in some of the relationships I have developed.  My expression before was my own perception which doesn't quite match reality - there are a lot of people that care for me and I often lose sight of that.  Thank you for supporting me.
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PC, I appreciate the support and understanding.  If I could sell my car and not have one, I would gladly do so.  I still haven't called the dealer but am hoping to do so today.  Thank you for the reminders of how this is hard and it is ok for that to feel hard.
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As I have learned more about trauma and CPTSD, I have grown in my ability to manage it. 

Through that healing, I continue to find underlying social and sensory needs that I don't think are explained by trauma.

A lot of my feeling right now is that I am suspecting that being Autistic is a missing link for me.

I haven't quite wrapped my head around this for a lot of reasons.  A big reason is that I encounter the way my colleagues and systems respond to autism and it is not friendly or welcoming or understanding and is often dehumanizing. 

A lot of the mismatch between myself and the work I do and the environments I am in is because my brain and nervous system operate so differently from the dominant way and it takes so much out of me.  It is hard to get others to understand.

This time feels similar to the time when I was growing in my awareness and understanding of myself as a trauma survivor living with CPTSD.  It was going back to the past and considering the past through a different lens.  That is an exhausting journey. 

I still have a lot to sort out and I will.  Right now it is slow and often painful but I do feel like I am on the right track and moving closer to accepting myself more.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i could have written most of your words for myself.  about 5 yrs. ago i discovered i was on the edge of the spectrum, but i can see how even that amount of brain difference caused me a lot of awkwardness in my life.  sending love and support as you sort thru all of this.

[Armee]

This is really important Rainy. I hope you're able to find a way to perhaps be assessed? Maybe having answers will help in bridging any disconnect in your relationships professionally and personally. Understanding a difference can really help.

[Papa Coco]

San and Rainy

I apologize for not realizing you were both on the spectrum. My wife is on the spectrum and so is our oldest son. I have a deep respect for the spectrum. I met my wife in 1983 and married her only 4 weeks after our first date. (Partly because my family was already trying to tear us apart, so we ran off in secret and married too fast for them to screw it up for us). But also, because I could tell, after only 4 weeks from the moment I'd met her, that she didn't have a dishonest bone in her body. We didn't know what Autism was until 2002 and we didn't know she was on the spectrum until 2010 or later. But I have learned that people on the spectrum can be, simply put, the most honest people I'll ever meet.  And given my traumatic past with religion and NPDs, honesty is numbers 1-9 on my top ten list of things I need in any relationship.

I have a rudimentary understanding of how people on the spectrum process trauma and emotion. I know that emotions are difficult to process, so I'm learning, slowly, how to honor them. I've also learned the conversations with her and others I know on the spectrum can be different than with those not on the spectrum. My wife prefers to get right to the information and dispense with the social pleasantries. We can't just sit and chat about nothing for hours on end like I can do with some other friends. I've also learned that her ability to verbalize complexity is a challenge for her. She's of above average intelligence, but she gets frustrated because she struggles with verbal communication. I've learned that when we are talking with someone, I need to shut up and let her talk, but I have learned she has a way of glancing over at me when she wants me to jump in and help her explain something. During our first years, I just talked over her. She'd sit quietly while I did all the talking. I eventually realized my sin, and started teaching myself how to shut up and be her support when I could tell she was quietly cuing me to offer it.

My wife has only two outward behaviors. She's either reserved and loving, or stoic and quiet. Because I was raised by crazy people, I tend to automatically panic when she becomes stoic and quiet. In my family that meant I was being punished by being ignored, and all I could do was wait to find out how my very existence was the cause of all their anger and hurt. So when my wife (her nickname is Coco) becomes stoic and quiet, I go into Emotional Flashback terror.  Over the past few years I've come to realize that going quiet is the only reaction she is able to express when she's A) Angry, B) Afraid, C) In pain, D) Hurting emotionally, E) Not feeling well....oh, just basically, any time she's not just feeling okay with life.

I have come to realize that when I start to feel afraid that she's angry with me for something, it is my personal responsibility to check my fear at the door and politely ask her what's wrong. She always tells me the truth. Our Spectrum son is also, we believe, schizophrenic. During his twenties he aaaallllmooooost died of cancer. His friends found him dying on the floor of his apartment after he didn't show up for work for three days. He'd been trying to cure his own Stage 3 Testicular cancer with Hydrogen Peroxide and vegetables. He thinks Doctors are stupid, and the internet taught him how to cure himself. He ended up in Chemo, with stents in his kidneys for over two years. He made full recovery, but came out of it absolutely HATING his mother. He was sure she was going to kill him someday. He quit speaking to her while he had the cancer. And he's never, ever, ever talked to her since Christmas day 2013. We suspect schizophrenia, because people with schizophrenia often hate and fear the people who love them the most...and that was Coco. To this day she has a mix of anger and sadness over how he's treated her for the past 9 years. This was how I learned that her quiet moods are not always about being angry at me. In fact, she's almost never angry at me. She loves me more than any human has ever loved me, and I need to know that, even though her ability to show it through the usual channels is not what I'm used to. I've learned now that quite often, when she's quiet, it's because she's thinking about the fact that her own son hates her for no reason at all. It breaks her heart so badly that I've got tears on my cheeks just telling you about it now.



My point is that I have a deep respect for the challenges people, especially women, on the spectrum face. I see that emotions are just as real on the spectrum as they are off it, but that the ability to express the emotions for others to interpret is where the challenge rests. For me, Mr. Expressive, wearing my emotions on my shirtsleeve, and always talking too much, I've taken on the personal responsibility to check my own reactions at the door and ask, "how are you doing?" rather than misread nonverbal cues and go on being ticked off at her for the wrong reasons.

It's easier to spot the spectrum in men than in women, so men tend to get more acceptance for being on the spectrum.

But I'm here to say that now that I finally realize that you are both on the spectrum, I'll read your posts with a deeper appreciation for how CPTSD and emotion, and social issues, are affecting each of us in slightly different ways.

PS: Our oldest grandson is 11 and is showing signs that he's on the spectrum too. He's having a horrible time in school and at home. His Gramma Coco has proven to him, though, that she understands him. Sometimes, she's the only person who he feels is on his side. We, the rest of the family, are infinitely grateful to watch how she handles him whenever he goes quiet and ignores everyone. She knows that he's dealing with emotions, and somehow, she always knows how to talk to him when no one else is able to get through. She then coaches the rest of us on how to handle him and how to let him be quiet without getting agitated with him for being "a moody tween."

So, as for me, I'm a huge fan of my friends and family who are on the spectrum. I see great things in all of them.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate that this resonates.  Thank you for your support.
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Armee, I am considering if I want to be evaluated.  I am familiar with the tools used to diagnosis autism and they are so flawed.  I am not sure I want to subjugate myself to that analysis.  I believe I am on a provider's wait list which will give me time to decide.  There are a number of online assessments that seem to indicate autism.  Self-diagnosis is accepted as there are a lot of barriers to diagnosis especially for adults.  I appreciate your support.
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PC, I appreciate your support and perspective.  I appreciate you sharing about the experiences in your family and I'm sorry for the struggles you all have faced.  It is helpful to have you on my team.
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I'm not sure what to say about this week.

On Monday I went to a committee meeting that ended up not being what I thought I signed up for.  I'm not sure it will be a worthless experience but I had some weird interactions with my supervisor that have left me feeling awkward this week.

Tuesday I called my local dealership.  They of course deflect me to another auto glass shop that they have a relationship with.  I tried calling the shop and they didn't answer.  So I filled out an online form for them but haven't heard back yet.  If I don't hear by Friday I will call again.  I feel really discouraged and distressed about this getting resolved. 

On Tuesday I was at my second school that I am at only two days a weeks.  I had some really difficult student interactions.  I am being really hard on myself because I feel pressure to handle it differently than I would otherwise because I share space with my colleague and I can feel (or what I perceive to be) her judgment.  I hate when I fall into weird power struggles with kids that clearly need something and feel like I fail because I don't like resorting to tricks and bribes and "because I said so because I am the adult." 

I also met with a student that may already have CPTSD as a third grader.  I was so glad to meet him and yet his openness about his struggles really caught me off guard.  I cried after talking to him.  I am glad to know him while I do - I think he may be moving soon and all I can hope is he will find the right supports.

Tuesday my husband also booked his trip to see his family.  I really went into a tailspin after work which I think was somewhat about that, somewhat about work, and a lot about just me processing.  I got myself worked up over the ways my husband's family continues to exert control over him.  It doesn't matter that we live thousands of miles apart...the web is deep and extensive.  And I don't know all of it.  Sometimes I see it and I get so mad because it feels like secrets. 

The thing that I tend to get triggered by almost every day is that they all share streaming service accounts.  My adult husband and his parents and siblings share a Netflix and Disney plus account.  I'm not clear who pays for what - if history is any indication they probably split it and each pay $3.33.  Or my husband pays for it.  We sometimes get HBO Max and he shared the password with them.  I cannot express how much I hate this.  I haven't said anything because this is a symptom of a much larger issue and it isn't going to serve anyone for me to say anything.  I try to not use those services and use the ones we pay for. 

Today was relatively ok.  But I just feel beat down.  I cannot stand working in schools anymore.  I'm not sure I can make it to the end of the school year.  I don't like the role adults think they need to play which is to demand compliance while expecting children to hold their bodies in ways they can't while also being expected to act like mini adults. 

Tomorrow I feel anxious about.  I go back to my second school.  One of my colleagues there has really gotten under my skin in a way that catches me off guard.  She is someone I thought I might become friends with but her communication with me does not feel responsive.  I think she is trying to help me but I get so triggered by her.  It unsettles me because I have a physical reaction now when she talks to me and I'm not sure why or what to do about it.  I have to maintain some level of relationship because we work with some of the same students.  But I'm not sure how to handle. 

I didn't mean for this to get so long.  I have just had a lot of moments this week that aren't really related but felt significant.