Rainy Journal 2022

[rainydiary]

Thank you all for the support and care.  I ended up being glad I had that day - I was exhausted and napped which I rarely do and is a signal to me I need rest. 
........
I am feeling worn out and feeling yucky about a conversation I had today.  My doctor appointment went ok yesterday.  The lump on my back isn't anything concerning.  I also felt comfortable with the doctor so that will help for future care.

The room at the school I worked at today is too warm and I come home with a headache.  I try to stay hydrated but it is like a sauna.  I hope it cools down soon because this is rough.

The conversation that is making me feel yucky occurred with one of my bosses.  I tried to be honest with her about my experiences but once again fell in the trap of not having a clear purpose for the conversation.  She listened and I don't think I damaged the relationship...but I can tell I overwhelmed her and she didn't know what to do with what I said.  It made me wish I hadn't said anything.

I did reflect today that I have a new friend that is really supportive.  I have sort of met her before but we connected last Friday at a training.  She and another colleague really listened and heard what I said without making me wish I hadn't said anything.  I realized that is important.  I kept in touch with her this week and she was honestly really supportive.  That feels huge to me.

I am exhausted right now and hope I can feel rested this weekend.

[rainydiary]

I am feeling better today.

I woke up today and reflected that the conversation with my boss yesterday was a misstep on her part.  She was tone policing me and upholding systems that I was trying to describe are hurtful to me.  I misread that she would be in a place or have awareness to hold space for me.  I am finding that I am not wounded by that conversation.  I didn't do anything wrong. 

She did give me some ideas of things I could try out to see if they would help me feel like I am making system wide changes.  I did volunteer to be on a committee in our school district and that may just be where I start.  That committee is really going to push my boundaries as it is, so that may be all I can do for now. 

[CactusFlower]

hugs, rainy.  I hope this committee is something that can actually make changes. Glad you did find someone who was truly supportive.  Wishing you peace and energy. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF.
..........
I woke up in the middle of the night from a very vivid dream.

My heart is breaking from what my brain was processing.

It is hard to put into words and I am writing with the hope I will find my way back to sleep.

[Armee]

Rainy that dream sounds very difficult. I hope you were able to rest. I know how difficult it is to shake the feelings such vivid dreams bring.

[sanmagic7]

thinking of you, rainy.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you Armee and San, I appreciate your care.  I will reflect more but am grateful for your words.
.......
I have felt a bit off emotionally all day.  I don't necessarily put pressure on myself anymore for there to be a reason as I have learned it is much more complicated.  I am wondering if it would help to write about what's been going on.

Yesterday I had a massage - my shoulder was feeling so uncomfortable and massage is supportive.  I went to a new place as they had an opening.  The person giving the massage was male - I've never worked with a male massage therapist and have always been curious if I would feel comfortable. 

Well, that particular person did not make me comfortable.  Their approach to speaking to me and communicating with me just didn't work.  They didn't do anything necessarily wrong, it just didn't work.  I'm not sure I want to go back to that place but if I do I would try a different person.  My shoulder does feel somewhat better, but my heart did not feel good after.

After the massage my husband and I finished a show.  The end of the season really caught my heart.  A character (with a trauma history) put themselves out there to express love and faced rejection.  Their response to that rejection was brutal and ended with them crying in an empty room on their own.  I felt that story so much and wish that I could create stories like that.

My dream last night involved my cat getting lost and an appearance of a beloved person from my past.  My waking mind takes in a lot about this person and also wants to express things that I think should be kept to myself.  This combination in one dream space made my chest hurt and I considered that maybe it put me into an EF for some reason because that chest hurt is my EF signal.

Today I have had flashes of student interactions and colleague interactions from the past (previous jobs) just leaving me feeling like garbage.  I am reading a book called Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn and I think it is what is bringing both mistakes I've made in how I've interacted with students as well as times I've felt "punished" by colleagues.  I think these feelings are important to acknowledge for moving forward but they hurt right now.

Glad for no work tomorrow although work weeks that start on Tuesdays feel so much more difficult to me. 

[sanmagic7]

so sorry for the pain you're going thru, rainy.  i know sometimes that's what we have to go thru before getting to the other side.  love and hugs, my dear

[CactusFlower]

Sorry you had an unpleasant day yesterday. Hopefully the extra day off today will help a little. Hugs if you want them 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and CF.  As I reflect on what I wrote yesterday, it surprised me.  I wasn't actually feeling all that bad - I had questions and was feeling hurt but it wasn't as painful as in the past.  I am finding I often don't have words to describe my current way of being and relying on old ways doesn't always communicate what I mean to.
.........
Here approaches another work week.  It feels like the slog is beginning.  It will be a long and difficult road from here.  40 weeks left.

My husband returns to work tomorrow following his leave of absence.  I am worried about being able to handle any emotions that come up for him.  His workplace has sent him mixed signals about his leave and I worry something will go awry tomorrow.  Ultimately it isn't my responsibility and it doesn't help to worry.

I feel rather neutral right now.  Today was a day where I was able to both relax and do what I needed to feel prepared for the week in terms of errands and chores. 

I am realizing how much more sleep I need than I get when working...or at least I need less pressure on my sleep schedule.  I'm not sure if that is possible.

[rainydiary]

Last night I had more intense dreams.  They leave me feeling a lot.

I notice how anxious I am in the mornings which I think is why I've done my best to stick to exercising then even though I often get up earlier than I want to in order to complete my exercise.

Work was ok today - nothing in particular happened.  I felt awkward today and out of place.  But I am noticing a difference when I stop pressuring myself to be something I'm not.

I did feel depression today as I realized that today begins the long, hard slog of the school year. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i sincerely hope you are pleasantly surprised this school year, and at least have a better time of it than last year.  i think being more true to you will help, and i can also see how that might feel awkward - you haven't had a lot of practice w/ that.  just get thru today as best you can, all right?  sending love and a hug filled with hope for a better school experience. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate it San.  I am having hard moment this evening which I'll write about below.
.......
So, today was relatively ok but has some bumps.

One bump is that I went into a classroom today for students that benefit from more support than many students at school.  One student really lacked boundaries.  Her teachers and staff kept yelling and redirecting her.  She wasn't particularly bothering me and I can tell her to give me space.  What I noticed is that I wonder if I was a bit more harsh with this student than I would have been otherwise in order to "pass" with the other adults.  I feel really bad about my communication today with this student.  She seems like someone that has a really hard time and I don't want to contribute to that.

This evening a colleague from the main school I worked at in the spring texted me.  I am glad she texted me but it also really has triggered me.

Another of the colleagues there sent an email to our bosses that amounts to "tattling."  There was a situation that didn't get resolved and she is implying I just didn't do it.  She doesn't know the full story but also her behavior is incredibly hurtful.

I have an email from one of the bosses excusing me from that work.  I will have to find the email tomorrow in case I am contacted about it. 

I know I didn't do anything wrong, but it is hard to have that school and people that work there continue to drag on my energy.

Being generous to this person, I know she is overwhelmed and not a well person.  I also realize that I say things about other people behind their back when I am in a moment of stress.  I like to think I haven't deliberately told on someone with the intent of them "getting in trouble."  It still sucks that she did this.  And that she is subjugating the person that shared this with me to all the ways I was lazy...while now not being professional and helping with the current workload.

So, now I am questioning myself.  I feel like I suck and that I am not doing the right things.  This day is pushing against old responses and habitual ways of thinking.  I hope this feeling passes quickly. 

It is also humbling - trauma responses aside, I am often reminded of how I am human like anyone else and not "better" than others.  This is a reminder of the impact my words and actions can have on others.

[rainydiary]

I spoke with a friend and now feel silly for not just feeling anger at how mean it is to "tattle."  I am not sure why I continue to feel the need to see nuance when anger is warranted.

[Armee]

Virtual hugs if that is supportive to you. That really sucks what that colleague did to you.

And I've been in situations like you describe where you feel a bit pressured to be firmer than feels right. It is really hard because not only do you feel bad but also untrue to yourself and values. Which really just says good things about your values. It's really amazing that you can generally hold your ground so well and be such a calm presence for the students. It's OK to not get it right sometimes especially when your intention is good.