A new year and I am ready for a different place to write.
Today started off difficult however I think the conflict was needed for growth. But it does make me tired.
I am trying to start the new year off with as many days of including yoga nidra as I can. In group classes, I have found yoga nidra really unsettling. Those were before I understood my trauma background. Now I lie on my recliner and listen to a guided yoga nidra on YouTube.
I am also considering the words heal and connect for this year.
I hope to feel more rested tomorrow.
Sending care and good thoughts for the coming year, Rainy :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I like the words 'heal' and 'connect' - they are lovely. I hope you feel more rested tomorrow. I think it's good that you're able to do your guided yoga nidra whilst on your recliner, it sounds relaxing.
:hug:
Hope :)
Bach, thank you. I also send you care and gentleness as this year unfolds.
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Hope, thank you for this comment and the one on my other journal. I tried yoga nidra on the floor today and it was not as relaxing. I think I changed up too many variables and ended up feeling hypervigilant. I will do what feels right next time which is my recliner.
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Today was a relatively chill day.
I'm trying to puzzle out a lot but feel a bit more like the self I have been working hard to embrace.
I was realizing that because I don't have work, I am spending a lot more time around my husband and that may account for some of the increase in angst. Plus we are preparing to move and that is hard. Plus I believe he has unacknowledged trauma and I wish he would face it for his own sake.
But I also have been seeking out ways to complain and be upset with him because he has let me down a lot. I am not always great at communicating what I need and tend to just say what I think will make him happy. I've been catching myself when I do that. But it is really hard as we tend to be codependent. I have tried to adjust that pattern but I think we've fallen back into it more of late.
I have been really unsettled by some events in my metro area and have had some reminders that we all experience the world very differently. The world also treats people very differently depending on a number of things and I am struggling with how systemized oppression is. I want to stop it and feel powerless to do so. I am trying to consider that I have my role to play but I always end up feeling like I am not enough.
:hug:
Thanks Armee. :hug:
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Today is my wedding anniversary. I notice I take on emotional labor to find ways to mark the day.
Sometime a bit painful for me is that when I posted on Facebook, two crushes from my past liked the post. Life is so weird in that we make choices which closes other possibilities.
Something else painful is I was thinking about the day I met my husband. I was hurting and approached our meeting with openness. I enjoyed talking to him and believe I saw his best. Since then so many things have happened and I tend to focus on his worst and see his problematic family in him. My attachment challenges and relational trauma result in me feeling his missteps deeply. I'm wondering what will happen if I choose to not ignore things that shouldn't be ignored but if I see the good in him.
I am trying to plan for my business but am also procrastinating. Some of the procrastination is practical - I can't set up some business things until I have an address in my new state. A lot of the procrastination is I am really afraid. I'm afraid I will fail and that no one will want to work with me. I am afraid of making things too complicated in my desire to be helpful.
Hi Rainy. Starting your own business IS really scary! It might fail or flounder a bit! That's OK. That's scary, but it is ok your intentions are fantastic and will lead you to a good place. I have no doubt.
It seems important to not ignore things especially if they are about how you are treated. It matters if there is a current of good underneath any difficulties with H.
Armee, I appreciate your words. I have thought about doing this for a long time and want to give it an attempt. I will learn along the way and if it isn't for me that is ok. I hope to find people I am meant to work with.
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This week so far has been relatively calm and that unsettles me. I haven't done any journaling or reading that has brushed against my tender spots. Sometimes I think it is good to just be - I'm not sure if that is what I am doing or if I am numbing a bit.
I did let my massage therapist know that next week is my last session with her. She has been a huge support to me over the past several years and I can't imagine my life without her. I also don't need massage like I used to and I am curious how massage will be a part of my life moving forward.
I have done yoga nidra each day of January. It is odd to practice it each day. My mind hasn't been able to settle in the way it was when I tried it from time to time before. I am wondering if it would help me to learn more about yoga nidra so that I have more context for it.
I used to have such structured bed and wake times and now I don't. It is sort of stressing me out and I'm not sure why.
I felt really worn down today and am not quite sure why.
I was inspired by Hope and decided to try logging my dreams the best I could. I had two really intense dreams last night. My husband and I started watching a movie that really unsettled me last night and it wasn't the best thing to watch before bed as it definitely influenced my dreams. The details of my dreams feel too much to share but the general theme was lack of safety and boundaries. I often feel that in dreams I can remember.
I had trouble falling asleep last night and today during yoga nidra a lot of painful memories came up. Some of the memories coming up are surprising and not related to my usual thought patterns that I am stuck in. I haven't really written down or about the things coming up and it might be helpful to do that.
Today I decided to look into what getting a business license where I currently live would entail. I plan to offer teletherapy sessions so could potentially continue to work with folks that live in my current state. I filled out the information the best I could on the application but couldn't bring myself to submit the form.
Firstly I don't want to spend money that I don't have to. Next I am deeply afraid of making a mistake on the form. Thirdly the form mentioned paying taxes and that threw me off. The site is confusing as I think they combined a lot of stuff into one area and a lot of things won't actually apply to me. I'll have to look tomorrow and see how much the license actually costs - at worst I spend the money if it isn't too much and report that I made $0 if I end up not getting any clients where I live.
Today I am a little more on my regular bedtime schedule and I am curious to see if I fall asleep more easily. I am increasing my running again and hope that will also help with my sleep.
I had another intense dream last night. I wrote down as much as I could remember.
This one was long and I recognized patterns of some dreams: wandering, searching, seeking answers to questions I have, feeling out of place. I encountered a random assortment of people from my past.
When I write down the dreams and consider all the stuff my brain is doing when I am supposed to be resting, it is no wonder I feel so weird when I wake up.
I am up much earlier today than I have been. I feel better when I am up early but haven't been strict with myself on when I get up. I have spent so many years being driven my anxiety to wake up.
Quote from: rainydiary on January 06, 2022, 03:08:06 AM
Today I decided to look into what getting a business license where I currently live would entail. I plan to offer teletherapy sessions so could potentially continue to work with folks that live in my current state. I filled out the information the best I could on the application but couldn't bring myself to submit the form.
Firstly I don't want to spend money that I don't have to. Next I am deeply afraid of making a mistake on the form. Thirdly the form mentioned paying taxes and that threw me off. The site is confusing as I think they combined a lot of stuff into one area and a lot of things won't actually apply to me. I'll have to look tomorrow and see how much the license actually costs - at worst I spend the money if it isn't too much and report that I made $0 if I end up not getting any clients where I live.
Those are big steps. I understand your hesitancy to submit the form. Those issues (taxes, filling out forms correctly) are really difficult and overwhelming to me. You'll get there; step by step.
I'm sorry you are having intense dreams. That is so wearing.
Not Alone, yes I get so overwhelmed by complex and lengthy language. I have updates to share below about all of this. I appreciate the validation about the dreams - I don't think I have previously really acknowledged the toll my dreams take on me. I'm not sure how long I will track my dreams but right now it is interesting. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
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I am in a heightened state. Today I took some solid steps toward creating my business.
The reality is that my husband and I will be in our current area until we sort out the new cars we bought for tax purposes. License plates and registration is taking so long these days and I still don't even have my car although I received an update today that it may be here soon.
So, I talked to my husband about a few initial costs I would need to take to get started on working now. I am trying to keep my costs super low - someone in a Facebook group emphasized that unless you have clients, this will just be an expensive hobby.
Today I registered my business name with the state and applied for a business license in my city. I also bought a website name and Google Workspace account so that I can have an email and place for business docs. I started working on a website and got really overwhelmed by that.
I took a walk and reminded myself: this is all a learning process. I will be developing new skills I don't have and it will take practice. I will make mistakes but hopefully I will learn from them and they will be things I can easily bounce back from.
I am still feeling a lot of tension in my body. None of this will matter if I can't get any clients. I have always assumed I will, but we'll see.
At least I have taken some steps and put into action things I have been thinking about for a long time. I hope that eventually I can connect with some other folks and get support. For now I hope I can calm down enough to enjoy my evening.
Those are a lot of big big steps for one day! Oh my goodness, please cut yourself some slack for getting overwhelmed by the website !
But way to go on getting this stuff moving!!!! :applause:
Quote from: rainydiary on January 07, 2022, 12:23:38 AM
Today I registered my business name with the state and applied for a business license in my city. I also bought a website name and Google Workspace account so that I can have an email and place for business docs.
:party: :yourock: :woohoo: :boogie:
That is a lot!!!!!
Quote from: rainydiary on January 07, 2022, 12:23:38 AM
I took a walk and reminded myself: this is all a learning process. I will be developing new skills I don't have and it will take practice. I will make mistakes but hopefully I will learn from them and they will be things I can easily bounce back from.
Absolutely.
Way to go rainy! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Armee, thank you for the reminder that was a lot to do - it was and I am not appreciating that as this all new and I don't know how to consider what is "enough."
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Not Alone, I appreciate the cheers and support.
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Blueberry, thank you for the cheers and support.
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I was feeling pretty good earlier but notice my mood is tanning a bit.
I didn't sleep the best last night. I woke up too warm and couldn't get back to sleep. After I went back to sleep I had a dream I can't really remember the detail of.
Today has been productive. I calmed down a bit yesterday and was able to see how much I did accomplish. I worked on my website some more and feel good overall with it. It is almost done.
My husband is going to help me take a picture for my website. One of three departments has approved my business license. It feels like things are moving forward.
Where I get stuck is that my inner critic starts to be nasty. I see the faces of my former colleagues and think over all I endured last year at work. I still feel terrible about it. I wonder if maybe I do suck at my work and just spiral into being really hard on myself.
I'm also struggling with the concept of letting others pay me directly for my work. That is going to be difficult. I think what I've listed so far for prices on my draft site is too wishy washy and me trying to please people. I need to be more direct.
Related to money - my husband and I had a productive conversation about money. We are trying to get to a point where we don't have both work so much. I think I am already in a place where I am being afforded the opportunity to recreate my work experience. But the conversation was helpful for us to move forward united.
I'm not sure why my mood is going lower. I think I am hungry and I am feeling the impact of not sleeping so well. It's also hard to manage all the feelings that come with growing up in capitalism and what society tells us is the "right" way to be in terms of a worker.
i've found it difficult at times to charge what i'm worth. i think our self-doubt can get in the way. i have no doubt you know how to do your job really well, and i hope you're able to charge what you deserve. yeah, those work expectations can be a drag. best to you, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
Not sleeping well does have such a big impact, and I really do think that maybe that has contributed to you feeling as you do today. I hope that you're able to have a rest, if you need one. :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you all for the care and support. :hug:
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I slept much better last night. I once again had dreams I cannot fully remember other than that my parents were involved. I'm curious to see if there are any nights where I don't dream. So far I have dreamt each night that I've been trying to record my dreams.
I was just reading The Tao of Fully Feeling and something that Pete said stirred me up a bit: "Survivors need to regain their feelings about how much it hurts to be lambasted in critical ways and in belligerent tones." The context of this is that he was discussing verbal and emotional abuse. That is the bulk of the abuse I experienced growing up and I think why it took me so long to recognize it as abuse because it was just present and I had no visible markings of my suffering.
What this stirred up is my experiences in my last job. What I experienced at work was abuse. Of course no one would call it that but that is what happened. And even though I am still ashamed to still be experiencing abuse as an adult, I made important steps to protect myself by leaving. I am trying to let myself feel how much it hurt to be abused by other adults as an adult.
It's a lot to feel and I am so saddened by my life being so full of hurt caused by words and facial expressions and tones of voice and body positions because I cannot completely avoid other people. Other people are my triggers and it is so challenging.
I am trying to rest today and not think about my business plans. It is going to take effort to have boundaries with myself.
Hi rainy,
Just stopping by your new journal to say hi. I hope this year is filled with a lot more growth and healing for you.
It's great what you've managed to do so far for your business, congrats! There's a lot of room for learning, and for error in new endeavours but I'm sure that you can also put all of yourself into it and shape it to what you want to be. It sounds like you have a good model of what you want to accomplish and the training you need to do that.
Sending you support,
dolly
Dolly, thank you - I appreciate your care and support.
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I am feeling a lot today. In many days today has been a good day. I am trying to find the energy and motivation to prepare dinner.
I am stuck in feelings that come about with the dynamic between my husband's avoidant attachment and my anxious one especially as it relates to us moving.
Some sample statements from him and my responses from the past several weeks that I am struggling with:
Him: "I like having a Christmas tree but don't like setting it up."
Me: say nothing, internally feel really hallow, decide to try to get rid of the tree because I don't want to put energy into things he isn't going to participate in
Him: "I want to move but don't like the actual process of moving."
Me: try to make sure this big change is in our best interest but not explaining to him what it is I need (like actual help packing)
I also remember him saying over and over how he doesn't like where live...but also doesn't want to do anything about changing it. My worry is that if I said we should move to his hometown all the barriers he is putting up would fall away.
We are in a place where he doesn't really want to work anymore and is considering early retirement. As a result he has become so worried about money even though we are doing just fine financially.
So we are stuck in this loop. To me, we were waiting out some things to resolve here and then look ahead. But it feels like he doesn't really want to participate in a conversation, just critique me while I am trying to do household work, pack, find a way to earn income, etc.
I have gotten better at calling out stuff I am seeing, but I am not doing it consistently. Deep down I worry he is going to sabotage our move because of the deep guilt he feels not living in his hometown.
I have also thought a lot about if this is something I want to continue being a part of. I am afraid of how he would act if I suggested divorce. I think he would be really nasty but also not see it coming. I don't actually believe this is the route I want to take. But my hypervigliant mind must consider all options always.
Rainy Diary, I understand living with a H who is avoidant. I want to encourage your efforts in calling out things that you are seeing. You are courageous to be doing so. It is okay that you aren't consistent. You are growing. I also understand considering if you want to continue in the relationship. Those are difficult questions with no easy answers.
Not Alone, I appreciate your words and support. I am really struggling and am grateful for your kindness.
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I am having trouble falling asleep and am in an EF.
I am recognizing that my EF is triggered by past situations with my husband and moving. I am triggered by times where he has violated my trust. I am triggered by all the people (my mother, my friends) telling me all the things I should be doing in my relationship and not recognizing I cannot do the work for him.
This is all so crazy because he is the one that suggested we move and that we go to the state where we are looking to go. And now all of a sudden (which it probably isn't sudden, as the more I actually see behavior exhibited by his family for what it is, I realize they all say a lot of things that rarely come to pass) he doesn't want to. People are entitled to change their mind and I would appreciate if he would say if he has changed his mind.
I think I am also triggered because I am not confident in my ability to navigate this situation. I'm also not sure I can do much. I tried talking to him several times tonight and he somewhat engages but then shuts down. The engagement is somewhat encouraging but I am so tired.
I hope I can get some sleep. I am pretty upset.
Hi rainy,
Am sorry that you're feeling so much right now with your husband. You're right that you can't do the work for him and only set good boundaries for yourself. These are really big things and sending you support to navigate them.
dolly
The frustration and crazy-making of being in partnership with someone who is
Avoidant is magnified when their decisions/lack of decision/lack of communication affects you in a big way. (For you, moving; for me more recently my H's retirement.)
Quote from: rainydiary on January 10, 2022, 06:38:30 AM
I am triggered by all the people (my mother, my friends) telling me all the things I should be doing in my relationship and not recognizing I cannot do the work for him.
I read on OOTF that well-meaning people will give relationship advise that works for many relationships. The advise does not work when dealing with someone who has a personality disorder. One of my friends would give me marital advise. I sent her an article about
Avoidant Personality and asked her to read it before she gave more counsel. Her words of wisdom have slowed considerably.
My T has told me that
Avoidants get people to do the work for them. He said, "Don't do his (husband's) work for him." You are on the right track Rain Diary. I know it is really hard. :hug:
Dolly, thank you for your words. I am trying very hard to not do the work for others but it is so difficult. I have slid back into some old habits of late and hope to give myself some understanding.
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Not Alone, I appreciate that you understand this dynamic. It has taken me a long time to recognize this and to acknowledge how much it hurts. I will keep trying to speak up. I think it is making a difference. But it is exhausting.
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I did sort of sleep last night but not well and not long. I am exhausted today.
I suppose my words did sink in for my husband. We are planning another trip up to our new state to figure out a living situation. I may take his words too literally but given history I have been caught off guard too many times and am afraid of that happening again. I am needing to find ways to productively and proactively talk to him. That won't completely eliminate the gaslighting, but hopefully it will make me feel better.
I will also say that I recently told him that he always walks too far ahead of me on hikes. Lately he has been trying to walk with me and actually talk to me which I appreciate.
I am caught off guard by how triggered I got last night. It has been 7 years now but we made an ill fated move that then led to me wrecking our car on a highway while driving between his hometown and the place we were living. I am not as impacted by that wreck as I used to be, but sometimes I think of it and it makes me so ill. It is a miracle we weren't hurt and didn't hurt anyone else.
But I think I carry a lot of pain from that time in general as it was the first time I really confronted my husband's avoidance. I didn't handle things great either at that time and didn't know my own trauma. It was a terrible time. I had been ignoring a lot of things for a while and it all caught up with me.
rainy, sounds like you have a lot going thru your mind. like you, i, too, always want to consider all options, the pos. and neg. i think they're something to learn from, and a means to get to know ourselves more fully and more strongly. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. I try to remind myself that there can be a silver lining to all of my reflection yet I also tend to get stuck. I am trying to be gentle today. I appreciate your support.
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I have not been functioning well today as I am exhausted. I've done what I can today but generally feel pretty lousy.
I got two emails that are going to require a lot of effort to deal with tomorrow.
One is from my bank. I initiated a request to rollover a retirement account from my last job in November. I hadn't heard from them so followed up. There was some miscommunication I think and the contact I've had reached out again today to say I need to provide another form and a bunch of information.
The other one is from the city where I submitted a business license. I need to fill out a zoning permit. I realized I didn't mention in my application that my business will be online. Hopefully all of this is possible to resolve. This email in particular is triggering because I feel like I made a mistake. I am sure this all very boring to the people that work in the city and deal with this every day.
Today it occurred to me that I am feeling a lot of the hurt I've been denying feeling for a very long time. I have a back log of hurt to feel and for some reason I am right now.
I am hoping to go to bed as early as I can. I hope I can sleep. My critic is telling me that I am a failure and what I am doing right now is a ridiculous waste of time.
I think I somewhat uncovered one reason I am especially triggered right now. The time 7 years was similar to now. I didn't have a job then as now. My husband was unhappy in work as he is now. But these times are different even though my brain isn't responding to them as such.
Last time, I was trying to resist us moving back to his hometown even though deep down I knew it would happen. Last time he was placing huge pressure on me to get a job. The part that really hurt was I had left a good job to move to where he was and if he had just told me before I moved to keep my job we could have avoided so much pain.
I am scared of all that happening again. This time we are in a very different place and have come a long way. This time I am trying to create a work situation that will be sustainable for myself instead of continuing to work in toxic places. This time he is acting more like an adult and doesn't have his parents stirring the pot.
I'm not sure I can talk to him about this because he doesn't understand the need to review the past. He takes it as me not letting things go and not as a trauma response.
I hope that now that I understand what I am flashing back to that I will start to feel safe.
Hi rainy,
Wrecking your car sounds like a traumatic experience! No wonder it brings up a lot of things about that time. Hope that you're able to find some space to be with that.
I find when I'm trying to take on stuff from people, especially in relationships, it has to do with my "fantasy" or idea of how things should be because of how much they weren't like that growing up, or what I'm trying to recreate now because of what I lacked then. It' tricky because I keep fooling myself about my motivations as well and have to keep going through picking unavailable people but hopefully have made some progress now. This is just my experience so please disregard if it's not helpful.
dolly
Hi rainy,
I just want to let you know that I read your Journal and that I see it's a really challenging time for you rn. I see that you are making realisations about e.g. the difference between 7 years ago and now. :thumbup: :applause:
Your critic is wrong. You are not 'wasting' time. You are working hard on your recovery.
Dolly, I appreciate your share. It is helpful for me to consider how that shows up for me as I think it does. I think I am dealing with that in terms of work too. Thank you for your support.
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Blueberry, I appreciate the words and reminder that my critic is wrong. Thank you for supporting me.
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Today I feel much better at the start of the day. I slept much better which helps a lot.
I have dreamed every night since I started keeping track last Wednesday. I am wondering if I am always dreaming and now am just remembering more I have been paying more attention.
Today I am experiencing a lot of doubt as to whether I really want to have my own business. Of course I like the idea of it but worry I have created such an ideal version in my mind I am not facing the reality of how much work it is going to be.
What I worry the most for is caring myself. I don't think this work will ever be entirely safe from triggers for me. When I solely responsible for every aspect of my work experience, I worry that will become too much. There will be so much hustle involved too.
I also am struggling against how I don't have any entrepreneurs in my family so considering taking this approach to life is very out there.
I will continue to work my options. I reached out to a school district in my new state to see if they are actually still seeking applications. I will continue to see if I can get any clients. This is another opportunity to be more true to myself and consider what it is I really want versus trying to live in a fantasy.
Hi rainy,
I'm glad that was helpful for you. I wouldn't talk yourself out of this. You might hit the ground but you always have an opportunity to pick yourself up and try it again. I don't think it matters if you have entrepreneurs in your family either, you are your own person and don't need their approval/blessing to do so. It will probably be a lot of work but maybe that's something you can take into account. I'm speaking as someone who wanted to work in a highly competitive field where I had to make it happen. It's not easy but I'm also proud of what I've accomplished on my own.
Sending you support,
dolly
I agree with Dolly there. It is super scary and i would honestly be worried about you if you were not nervous and having doubts! But you do have what it takes! You are persistent and reflective and have heart. You care so deeply about doing this job right....it would be amazing to get to do that without having to deal with the toxic work environment. If you fail you either try again or decide you'd rather be employed by someone other than yourself. No harm.
Dolly & Armee, I appreciate your support and perspective. I have an update which I will share below. :hug:
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Today some fog lifted from my mind and it occurred to me that my idea of a private practice is a fantasy I don't actually want deep down. It is something I've been creating in my mind as a way to avoid and prevent ever feeling like I did especially last year.
When I really consider my truth, I know I don't want to solely be responsible in the way I would need to be. I don't want to always be "on" and trying to find people to work with. I don't want to constantly worry over my money and work all the time. I don't want to be in the situation of having to offer services in a way that limits the kind of people I can work with (namely people with privilege). I don't want this to consume my life.
I am refocusing my efforts on finding a job where kids get my help who wouldn't otherwise. I want to watch my outer critic while also being self-protective. I want to be able to set boundaries and to walk away from work when I need to without worrying. I want to keep growing in learning to work with others and rely on people that are worth it.
The timing of all this is tricky and I think it will take some more time to find a position. But that is ok. Something right will turn up.
I'm glad you have clarity and the part about privilege makes a lot of sense with your values. In that case, good luck finding a position, and maybe you can do a little side work for yourself too when you have the time and energy just to try it out. Or not.
i really love your perspective on this, rainy. i chose a therapy job where i didn't have to hustle for clients, work all hours, etc. , but could still work with my favorite population - troubled adolescent girls. i'm so glad i made that choise instead of going into private practice. i'm also glad you were able to figure this out for you, too. well done! :thumbup: love and hugs :hug:
wishing you the best !
Armee, I appreciate your support. I know that I could do something different and that I am capable. I don't want my work to be my entire identity and feel it would be harder to separate from if it was all on me.
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San, I appreciate your support. It is important to honor my limits. I am learning to be ok with that and to stop trying to be the people I admire or think I should be like.
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Larry, I appreciate the wish!
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Last night before I went to bed I made a wish or request to the universe that I needed help with my job search. I got stuck yesterday and was feeling really discouraged. Today a lady I had spoken to in November called me. I think she may be the support I asked for. I will speak to her again tomorrow and hopefully be able to find a position with her support.
My husband and I are going through a lot of communication growing pains. I have been doings things that are frustrating him but he hasn't told me. He is starting to tell me and I am seeing ways we have been miscommunicating. I have also been falling into some old people pleasing habits. Hopefully increased communication will be supportive.
Something that I'm still processing but that I began to consider today relates to what I lacked growing up. While reading Pete Walker today, I learned about how apparent my parents' anger and lack of emotional regulation was because it was so brutalizing. What I overlooked is how devoid of love, communication, discussion, support my upbringing was and how lonely that is. And how I continued that pattern into marriage.
I am learning about my attachment style and a section of the workbook had me consider my self esteem. What I noticed is that when considering what my family and friends say I am good at, I struggled to answer. In terms of family I think this is because all that stands out is them telling me what I'm not good at. In terms of friends, I tend to keep folks at a distance so they may only know surface level things. I will say I was happy to be able to write down positive things about myself.
I think the next step is still believing those things when I am around other people.
you are really god at offering advice and compassion to those in need, i love that about you !
Larry, thank you. This is such a helpful thing to hear.
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Whew a lot of stuff is coming up today and it feels like it is going to be a long day. Today is my last official appointment with my massage therapist and I think that is bothering me more than I've acknowledged.
Something that is stirring up inside is how deeply held my self-disgust is. I didn't realize it is still so strong. I am really saddened by all the things I'm learning about mirroring. All that was mirrored to me is how disappointing I am and that continues to be what I see others saying to me (even if they aren't).
I am reading a bit more of Pete Walker and it is really touching a nerve. It occurred to me when reading how much I do not like babies. I do not feel comfortable with them or want to hold them. Every baby I have held (which is 2) feel this from me which makes me sad. It never occurred to me to wonder what it was like for me as a baby. When I briefly reflect, stories my mom tells are how fussy I was. How I vomited a lot. I haven't heard stories of how I was responded to by adults but it makes me wonder. I'm sure it wasn't great.
I am trying to consider that other people's reaction to me is much more about what is going on with them. I have thought on this before yet cannot get past how I am still not able to see their disgust and disappointment in me. And how some folks have used that against me. I feel bad about myself because while I am able to see someone is hurting, I am hurt by them not being able to do the same.
I imagine I will check back in here later today.
rainy, so much about what you wrote about your family, your grown-up reactions, your perceptions of other people's supposed perspective of you, well, i could've written it. it struck a chord with me the idea of being told over and over about our mistakes, judged about them without the added encouragement or letting us know our good points, our strengths, celebrating our accomplishments. whew! you've opened my eyes a little wider on this. thanks.
i agree with larry, and will add your kindness and gentleness shows thru in your posts to others. in my eyes, you are a lovely person. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate that reflection. I agree, it is a nuance of what I was also lacking that has really caught me off guard of late. I hope this exploration leads to supportive adjustments for you. :hug:
.......
Yesterday was so difficult. I think I had every emotion people can have and was just in such a rough place.
I was glad to see my massage therapist and to wrap things up. I don't think it is the end of our relationship perhaps just something different. I talked with her about how I'm not sure we're even actually going to make our move to a new place and it was helpful to just put that out there and be ok that minds can change.
Last night I tried to make an effort to watch a basketball game with my husband and to emphasize that we don't have to leave where we are if we don't want to.
This morning I felt so lousy. It felt like things just weren't working out. I have struggled with finding a job and with getting a new car. I've been talking to a recruiter who has not been particularly helpful in the past and who doesn't make her process transparent (which I feel like is how these staffing agencies work). I was feeling so uncomfortable. I felt like such a failure.
And then this afternoon a school district that I had applied to in December called me to set up an interview next week. It is a district I feel really drawn to and I was glad they called. It made me feel so much better. I earned this interview based on my application and resume. Funny enough, after I'd already set up the interview, the recruiter I have been speaking to texted me about that district. I'm sure she is annoyed with me for the situation but it is just a coincidence. She texted me about another place and I haven't responded yet.
Part of me knows I should be pragmatic and take interviews I can get, but I also feel so uncomfortable with staffing agencies based on past experiences. I don't really want to go through them, but interviews aren't guarantees.
Hi rainy,
That sounds like a lot coming up for you and a big realization about what it was like to be that little, baby you. She must have had so much to go through and with parents who weren't very sympathetic at a time when that's the only people she had to depend on for survival. The people in your life now are, fortunately for you, ones you don;'t have to depend on for survival and they can think whatever they want but that doesn't mean it's true or relevant.
Sending you support,
dolly
:yeahthat:
i think you're going thru a lot of emotional gymnastics right now with everything bearing down on you - interviews, recruiters, all the stuff that is nerve-wracking for you to be dealing with. i hope you can give yourself a little time and space to just be with you and know you're doing what's best for you. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Rainy, you have so much going on now. Wow. I applaud you and your ability to look at yourself and to see what you really want and to shift your direction in your job plans.
Dolly, I appreciate your words and support. :hug:
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San, I appreciate the phrase "emotional gymnastics." It's bringing some amusing visuals to mind. Things did catch up with me over the past several days. Thank you for the reminder of gentleness.
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Not Alone, thank you for your support. :hug:
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Today I had the interview with the school district. I think it went really well. I didn't walk away (or log off the video since it was over Microsoft Teams) feeling icky. Before this, I have honestly never had an interview where I didn't leave feeling like it was a bad idea.
The folks that interviewed me didn't give me the impression that they hate their jobs and they were genuinely kind. I also must acknowledge that I have done a lot of healing and am approaching this situation differently. They are going to call my references next. School district hiring isn't exactly like being hired in corporate jobs but I don't think they would call references if they weren't interested.
My husband and I went to our favorite out of town spot this past weekend. The second day I did meltdown. I would say I can see how our communication is improving as a couple. I am not clear what my meltdown/EF was about but I really struggle to sleep in unfamiliar rooms and something about the particular hike we were doing left me disregulated. We worked through it and ended up having some fun times we wouldn't otherwise have had.
Yesterday my husband paid me a compliment about a photo I took and today actually asked me how my interview went without being asked. These are not things he usually does and while appreciative I notice I am feeling hypervigilant about them. Accepting care and kindness from others is so challenging.
Right now I am feeling good because the interview was so positive and I didn't even really have to brush on anything that happened in my last job. I was also accepted for who I am and had a good conversation with them. I was overwhelmed earlier today and I imagine I will be overwhelmed in the coming weeks...but I am glad for the ways I am and have grown.
Hi Rainydiary,
So many positive things here, and I wanted to congratulate you on them. :cheer:
:hug:
Hope :)
That all sounds really good progress, rainydiary. You're so brave with what you're moving on, ever forwards. I understand that 'good' changes can be difficult, scary and can make you hypervigilant. I get hypervigilant easily too. So sending compassion about that :hug: I hope it 'settles' a bit in the next days, even if more overwhelm comes again later.
Glad your interview went well and mostly that you feel good about it.
:sunny:
Hope, thank you. I appreciate your support and encouragement. :hug:
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Blueberry, I appreciate you reminding that even positive change is change and that all change can be challenging. I am in a place of really feeling harshly toward my hypervigilance as it is exhausting and it doesn't really protect me from much.
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Not Alone, thank you for your support.
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Larry, :sunny:
.........
Well, I heard already from the school district and the team I spoke with wants to recommend me for hire. I have HR processes to complete which will probably take some time. But within a month I may be working in a new job in a new state.
One of the people I spoke with yesterday left me a voicemail about the plan. I plan to keep the voicemail and may listen to it again sometime. She spoke positively and encouraging and I felt good hearing her be so kind and also offering me grace in this process.
Today I decided to cancel my order for the car I ordered well over a year ago. The dealer keeps lying to me and I can't understand why. They will say the car is almost here and then "oh it was delayed by weather." There may be legitimate things outside of their control, but I am tired of giving energy to something that clearly isn't working.
I woke up today from a pretty intense dream that brought up a lot of past feelings. Today I've been really struggling with how off I have always felt socially. I am so terrified of that catching up with me in my new job. I have always struggled socially and I get into situations I don't fully understand how they happened. My hope is that I will be able to be open to experiencing a new work place with the knowledge that I am no longer in the toxicity I was in.
The next few weeks and months are going to be a lot.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: about the news from HR. It sounds really promising.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: on not giving any more energy to the car dealer. I think it takes courage to say "No way" especially when a process has already started.
Congratulations Rainy!!! I can understand the trepidation about social scenarios. And yet we were all raised to doubt ourselves. Maybe think about the behaviors you saw toward other people..it wasn't just you, right? You were just appalled by the behaviors and took action. Maybe more sensitive to it, in a good way?
I don't blame you one bit for canceling the car! That's horrible behavior from the dealer!!!!
congrats on the job offer, rainy. that is so cool, especially that voicemail. yay! :applause:
from what you said about the voicemail, i hope it means the position itself and the people surrounding you there will also be far from what you experienced before love and hugs :hug:
congrats, rainy, that's so cool! Good on you for setting that boundary with the car place. I agree, a year is ridiculous. Here's wishing you the best in the new job. :hug:
Thank you all. I appreciate the encouragement and validation. :hug:
I haven't been feeling well yesterday and today. I am 99.9% sure it is stress and possibly hormones. As excited as I am, I am also scared.
I shared my news with parents and my mom acted supportive. I've recently been seeing her behavior toward me when I was a child in a new light and it is making me tired. My dad acknowledged my communication but I cannot shake the feeling he is just plain disgusted and disappointed in me. My parents were different when I went to see them in December. I'm not sure what has changed exactly - I have and it seems like they have too. I think they are worn down caring for their aging mothers and not free from a huge source of their own trauma. But they also keep a distance between us and it hurts.
I am also reflecting on how the trauma in my last job (and really every job I've had as an adult) is connected but also separate from what happened to me growing up. I'm not sure how to hold all these conflicting experiences. I am noticing that I want to do all I can to "prevent" ending up in crap like I did....but I cannot actually control that. While I certainly had my role, I did not cause other adult people to treat me the way they did.
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night. My mind began to bring up the faces of my colleagues that hurt me. I'm not sure if I was awake or asleep but I started yelling at them in my mind. Right now I also see that I want to yell at the people that were nicer to me but just stood by and watched me being hurt. That makes me sicker than the nastiness. I think it was somewhat helpful to yell in my brain. I am trying to remember: I left and got a new job in which I will have success. They are still there being nasty to one another.
The new job I am working toward may include working with military families. This appeals to me as I grew up in a military family....but it occurred to me yesterday that I will need to proceed with caution. This may be super triggering in ways I cannot see right now.
I am trying to change my mindset in my approach to work. For so long work has just been repetition compulsion. I will always love my students and do my best to provide them with care and space, but my goal is to not have to work much longer. Or at least not working like this. I have not missed work at all in the past few months and going back is making me feel sick. I know that I can do the job, I just don't really want to anymore. I hope this will help me be less attached to "proving myself" and more able to just be me.
I spent some time packing some things up today. I am trying to take small steps for now as I know some big steps that will be overwhelming are ahead.
Congratulations on your new job. There is so much that you have going on now. :hug:
Congrats, Rainy! Also, I was a military dependent as a kid, so I'm totally here to listen and understand that things might be triggering. You're not alone in that.
Not Alone, I appreciate the reminder that a lot is going on. I hope I can keep finding what the very next step is as I think I am trying to do too much all at once.
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Sage, I appreciate the support of a fellow military dependent. I'm actually feeling like this may be a really healing experience but I have no idea what my brain and body associate with that so am not sure what might come up. I'm glad I am reminding myself of this now so that I won't be completely caught off guard.
........
Today has been relatively chill. The calm before the storm perhaps. It is cold and snowy and I am glad for the chance to just rest my best.
I was officially offered the job by someone in HR. I still have a lot of song and dance to get through until I have a contract to sign. I often forget how ridiculous school districts are in their job offering process. I suppose most folks aren't like me and don't get new school jobs very 2-3 years. It is actually kind of funny to me now but I don't appreciate the level of paperwork I have to provide each time just to prove I can do a job.
My anxiety is definitely on the rise which I know is about the prospect of starting a new job and navigating a move. I am really grateful I will have an income again and that I continue to be someone that people express a desire to work with in interviews.
I'm reflecting that as bad as I have felt in past jobs, I haven't actually done anything wrong. For a long time I didn't understand a lot of my behavior was driven by trauma responses. Now I do and I feel relatively more comfortable being me. I think that tends to rub against others differently.
If I could have one job where I leave on good terms and don't feel like people are trying to drive me out, I will consider that a success. I am really seeing how bad we as people can be at dealing with conflict. Conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing, but we aren't really taught how to navigate it which is how many issues start.
I meant to write about this as it is really embarrassing.
I received a weird text I didn't recognize today. I thought it might be related to something I ordered so I clicked on the link.
Right away I realized it was a spam text. I felt so ridiculous. I know better than clicking on things I don't recognize. I don't think I did anything damaging but I am a bit worried.
Even though I don't want to, I will probably tell my husband just to ease my mind. I am surprised that I am not freaking out more than I would have in the past for making this mistake. I am definitely upset and have been thinking on it more than I should, but at this point all I can do is keep my eyes open for weird things going on with my phone.
My particular combination of anxiety and depression are really trying to get my attention.
Last night I had trouble falling asleep. Tons of memories of miscommunication and misconnection came to mind.
It's interesting how I convince myself something isn't bothering me or that I am "over" a past event. A change in life puts those things into different focus and emotions come up.
I generally feel like I haven't belonged anywhere and it is lonely and sad. I don't think it is exactly true either. I hope today can be a combination of rest and exploration.
Hey Rainy. Be easy on yourself. We all make mistakes like that.
Congratulations on the job offer, Rainy!
A new job and a move is very anxiety provoking! You are handling things really well. How's your husband feeling about the move at this point?
I clicked on the pdf of a spam email just a few days ago, mistaking it for some real business thing. It's 'nice' for me to be able to agree with Armee that we all do things like that sometimes! Please go easy on yourself about it anyway, rainydiary.
I appreciate you saying that you convince yourself that you're over a past event and then the connected emotions come up again. That certainly rings a bell with me. I don't want to feel into it rn but I think I used to do that too. Maybe still do just not so intensively as previously.
I hope you got the rest you needed today and if right for you that you got further in your exploration too.
Armee, thank you for the reminder of gentleness. In my last job we did a lot of training about spotting spam as folks would get viruses on their computers. I realize now that my outer critic always kind of made "those folks" a joke when really it is something that can happen to anyone including me.
My husband seems ok - nothing has really changed for us yet so we'll see when we get to change. A difference in this move versus the past is that I will have a steady job. That has been a difficult point that led to issues in past moves. I don't think we can physically move by the my job starts so this may be a really long process of moving.
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Blueberry, I appreciate the solidarity about clicking on something unexpected. I haven't noticed any weird things but hypervigilance often tried to convince me otherwise. I appreciate your support and reminder that we change over time. Just this week I was realizing that as I start a new job I have so much more experience that I can call on.
........
This day has been draining.
I decided to get a start on some of the tasks I need to do for my new job that require someone else to complete something (such as mailing a transcript or filling out a form). I wanted to do this because the district requires so many things to be sent in the mail and that can be a slow process.
I got really overwhelmed doing that because it forced me to think about things I haven't thought of in a while. It is also difficult for me the level of background checks and proof of professional stuff I have to do - my trauma brain takes it really personal and I feel "in trouble."
I haven't felt well today because of PMS and have tried to rest. My husband and I watched two movies that were basically about trauma. Watching those drained me. My husband has also had some persistent hiccups and the sound is annoying the heck out of me. I feel so petty feeling that way for something that is not his fault - it just triggers me.
I hope to fall asleep easier tonight. My before bed anxiety is tough during PMS in a regular time and this is not a regular time. I am wondering if I can bring joy to this experience. I really am excited to move and I hope that it ends up being positive in the end.
Hi rainy,
Congrats on the job offer and the ability to get that position in a place you feel positive about. It shows a lot about your strengths and capabilities no matter what your inner critic might say. Moving is never easy but wishing you to find a way to do it step by step. Maybe moving in small amounts could even be beneficial.
Sending you support,
dolly
sending some sunny vibes your way ! :sunny:
I'm leaving for work soon, but just wanted you to know that I'm in your corner.
BTW, Last week, I would have clicked on a spam at work, but I just heard my co-worker on a conference call talking about that issue. I also have opened sites that caused problems. Many if not most people have done that. As my T would say, you are allowed to be human.
Dolly, I appreciate your words. I am trying to feel and believe that I am a capable person and that came through enough to get a new job. The person that offered me a job said they were impressed and really excited for me to join them. My inner critic is putting up a fight about that.
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Thanks Larry - I am also sending you what you need right now.
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Not Alone, thank you. I'm glad to be reminded I am not the only one that would click a weird link. I am still being a bit hard on myself for what happened yet am fortunate it seems to have been ok.
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I am feeling worn down today. I realized that I am really struggling to trust in myself as well as my husband as we prepare to make changes in our life. I am trying to keep in mind that the past won't necessarily repeat itself, but it is exhausting.
Over the weekend it became clear my husband's hiccups were related to acid reflux. He gets that from time to time especially when he is really stressed. The hiccups came to be a physical manifestation of anxiety for me. They woke me up one night and my mind started freaking out and judging him. It really pushed me back to the past specifically that time when we had moved and I wrecked our car and we had such a miserable time.
What surprised me over the weekend is that he took some steps to care for himself. I also remembered that when I wasn't feeling well growing up, my family was often really mean and harsh about it. So I was being harsh toward him in my mind. I also wanted to help and there was nothing I could do really which made me feel lousy.
Today he did talk to me about how worn down he is from his job. I appreciate that he is hanging in there while we make our move and then hopefully once we are more stable he can find something that suits him better. This was a positive conversation.
I worked on tasks for the HR people at my new job this morning. There are some paperwork items they want me to do that would require me to physically bring documents to them. I'm happy to do that but currently live 1300 miles away. I am waiting to go up until I have a contract but a contract might not be issued if I don't take these documents. I am still waiting to hear from the person of what they want me to do. And trying to not freak out that I am "being difficult" when it is just a fact I live far away.
I did have a win today where I called a company to downgrade my membership. Of course they try to use guilt to get me to not make the change but I stayed firm.
I am trying to take things a little at a time.
Quote from: rainydiary on January 24, 2022, 09:24:41 PM
I worked on tasks for the HR people at my new job this morning. There are some paperwork items they want me to do that would require me to physically bring documents to them. I'm happy to do that but currently live 1300 miles away. I am waiting to go up until I have a contract but a contract might not be issued if I don't take these documents. I am still waiting to hear from the person of what they want me to do. And trying to not freak out that I am "being difficult" when it is just a fact I live far away.
I doubt that anyone thinks you are being difficult and certainly are not expecting you to travel 1300 miles to hand deliver documents. I'm guessing that they are just trying to figure out the best solution. Remember, they want you.
100% what Not Alone said. And I understand feeling that way too. We just second guess ourselves all the time. But yes THEY want YOU!
Hi rainy,
1300 miles is excessive! Surely they must have a work around for people who live so far away. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding and they thought you lived closer.
I understand how overwhelming it can feel to have things to do. I think it also might affect us differently and there's some sort of block for getting things done? At least for me.
dolly
Not Alone, thank you for this reminder and suggestion they are working out a plan. I imagine there is more to the story than I am aware.
.....
Armee, thank you for the reminder that I am wanted.
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Dolly, I was assuming that they had a process for people that live far away. I also tend to be very literal and there is often leeway that I am not aware of. I think I am somewhat trying to generate stress to get back to the baseline of anxiety with work stuff that I am used to.
.......
I still haven't heard from the HR lady. There may be a good reason for it. I will call her if I don't hear anything tomorrow. Their school board has to "approve" my hire and they may have had a meeting today so maybe the HR lady was waiting for that.
Today I completed some training videos about policies and procedures. The topics of these videos (harassment, blood borne pathogens, bullying, child abuse, etc) is often very triggering and this time was no exception. It is triggering because of my personal experience with abuse and bullying, but also because the way the information is presented frustrates me.
Of late my husband has been very responsive. I told him about the videos I was watching and he said, "That sounds traumatic." And he has expressed wanting to help cook dinner more and he's been taking more initiative. It makes me feel supported. It is also new and makes me a little on edge.
I think things are moving in the direction they should.
I am feeling really sad today and like I am trying to grasp at something I cannot understand.
This process of starting a new job and moving somewhere new is bringing up a lot of stuff.
I love to learn new things yet often new things I learn become weapons I use against myself. "I should have known better, I really messed that up, Wow I shouldn't have done that, No wonder I don't belong."
I have so many visuals and partial pictures coming up in my mind of past misunderstandings, mistakes, misattunement. I am so afraid of the past repeating itself.
I have done all I can on my side to provide the new HR people the information they've asked for. I am confused by the process and I know I can ask questions. Yet I am second guessing myself. I often misunderstand things and take things (or my understanding of things) extremely literally.
I just relistened to the voicemail I got from the person who will be one of my bosses and reread the letter I signed for HR. The timeframe the boss offered is tentative and I don't think I will be "in trouble" with HR for not being able to do some of their tasks from here. I think that if I wait and give all of the things set in motion time to settle, I will be ok.
My biggest sadness comes from how out of tune I feel with other people. I try so hard and have always been a bit off. I judge myself for this. I think there are wounds within this feeling to be healed as well as a lack of perspective. Over the past two years I've had interactions with people from my past that taught me that I meant more to people than I let myself believe and that they do like me.
All I want moving forward is to actually enjoy my life as much as I can.
:hug:
You are so hard on yourself. I am mad at the people who made it necessary for you to attack yourself first.
This realization here is so so important. It would be such a beautiful and helpful thing to print out and keep as a reminder for yourself. I sometimes have this same realization and it is somehow so very painful when this truth confronts me. I'm not sure why it hurts so bad.
Quote from: rainydiary on January 27, 2022, 07:42:43 PM
Over the past two years I've had interactions with people from my past that taught me that I meant more to people than I let myself believe and that they do like me.
All I want moving forward is to actually enjoy my life as much as I can.
Quote from: rainydiary on January 27, 2022, 07:42:43 PM
I often misunderstand things and take things (or my understanding of things) extremely literally.
Hi rainy,
I too feel like this around other people. I think it comes from having to grow up questioning peoples' motivations and behaviour as it was never really straightforward what they wanted, felt, etc. From some of the interactions you've described with your parents (them speaking about you behind your back, not knowing how your f will react), it seems like you may have experienced this too. I think those qualities also might make you a analyst though and able to see into any situation about what is going on and what needs to be done etc. Like Armee said, that's a really big realization :cheer:
Sending you support,
dolly
Armee, yes I am often my own worst enemy. I think I still believe that I can prevent further hurt by "getting it right." What exactly I have no idea. I agree that it hurts to have to keep reminding myself that I am liked and cared for. I appreciate your support.
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Dolly, I completely agree that I am constantly trying to guess what others will do because of how my parents were and because of situations I have found myself in as an adult. I stopped listening to the part of me that says, "This is weird, right?" I hope to listen to myself moving forward as well as believing or at least showing curiosity to the gut feelings. I'm so stressed right now about preventing future misunderstandings and future opportunities for others to make me their scapegoat that I am forgetting that those things often happen from moment to moment.
.........
I have felt very emotional today. It is difficult how something like listening to a podcast can present a topic that brings up a memory and another thing to process that I didn't even realize was something that I was carrying around.
Today I heard a completely random story about teens sharing about their first period. And wow did that open up some feelings because my transition into menstruation and adolescence was handled so poorly. It's like each time I leveled up in my development, my parents floundered even more and added new ways to harm to their repertoire.
My body has especially been in my mind lately as I am being very mean to myself. I have gained some weight over the past several months and it is hard for me to be accepting of how I look. I knew I would gain weight as the amount I was running to train last year was not typical. Also not working for the past several months also changed my movement patterns. There isn't anything unhealthy about my current weight other than my mindset.
Something I have developed are body care routines that have nothing to do with how I look. For instance, when I was growing up (specifically around the time I transitioned to adolescence), washing my face was about dealing with acne. My family was horrid to me about my acne (which actually wasn't so bad and also is a very normal thing for teens to deal with). I have discovered of late how nice it is to just wash my face to show myself care.
Quote from: rainydiary on January 29, 2022, 03:09:35 AM
I stopped listening to the part of me that says, "This is weird, right?" I hope to listen to myself moving forward as well as believing or at least showing curiosity to the gut feelings. I'm so stressed right now about preventing future misunderstandings and future opportunities for others to make me their scapegoat that I am forgetting that those things often happen from moment to moment.
Hi rainy,
I'm glad that resonated with you. I feel like I was the scapegoat in my family as well and there was always something wrong (it seemed) with what I did or how I did it. It has gotten better, but in situations where I don't feel like people are on my side, or I have the space to do things in my way (often difficult with a boss), this feeling will come up out of nowhere and I will almost be in the third person watching myself do something that I know I can do. I think there's also a part for me that is like the defiant kid who says, you thought I couldn't do this huh? which then feels like sabotage because the adult part of me wants to complete, or do things, in the professional adult way. Sometimes it's hard to manage and recognize when it comes up for me. I think it's great that you've made a plan to listen to yourself going forward.
[/quote]
My body has especially been in my mind lately as I am being very mean to myself. I have gained some weight over the past several months and it is hard for me to be accepting of how I look.
[/quote]
I'm sorry your parents said that to you and made the already difficult experience as a teenager even harder. I am harsh as well on my body and had similar talk from my family. I think being in such a harsh environment growing up we learned that to them our bodies were a problem but they were also the one thing we could control to somehow "be good." It also doesn't help that there are such crazy beauty standards for women which we inflict on one another as well. I hope you're able to give this back to your family and be easy with yourself. Our bodies need periods of rest too and hopefully you can see what you accomplished before.
dolly
rainy, I love that you can wash your face just to show yourself care! :applause: :hug:
I'm sorry your FOO was so hard on you instead of being supportive. Mine was too unfortunately, but that also means I can appreciate how big it can be to move out of that mindset and do something in order to show yourself care!
Dolly & Blueberry, thank you for your words and support. I don't have many words today yet feel appreciation for you.
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This is my second attempt at posting. Something went wrong with my browser before and it didn't post.
I am struggling today. I have many things going on as I prepare to start a new job and move and just deal with being me.
Things have felt different of late and it is unsettling me. I feel differences for the better but also differences that really shine a light on areas where I am still stuck.
My shoulder is hurting in a way that I have come to associate with my inner child. I can't hear what she is saying and wish I could.
I am not able to find my way to self compassion and self understanding today.
Hi rainydiary
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry you are struggling today.
That sounds like an awful lot of really big changes, including seeing areas of being stuck...which can be difficult under normal circumstances.
I really just want to offer my support and care... I hope your day improves and you are able to give yourself or find the extra kindness you need and deserve.
Thank you for sharing how you've associated your shoulder pain with your inner child. I have much to learn in this area and you've given me a very gentle push that I am grateful for.
Phil, I appreciate your words. There are for sure so many ways to consider and think about our pasts and ourselves. I am still learning too.
.........
I think I was likely in an EF yesterday and didn't recognize it as such. There were a lot of things going on:
My husband's avoidant traits really flared up. He is stressed in his own way and when that happens he tends to say and do things I find unhelpful.
My mom offered unsolicited thoughts to me about moving. I feel so unsupported by my parents in all my life decisions. I am still trying to please them but it is all guessing on my part which has never worked.
I heard about a car I had placed an order for. Buying cars is such a difficult experience for me and I feel so I incompetent.
I heard nothing from my new job. I know they are just gathering all they need but it is annoying.
These all put pressure on different parts of me in addition to things I feel like I am always working on internally.
I'm not sure if I feel better today.
Last night I dreamt about someone offering me comfort. I recognized the person as a version of a friend of my husband's. It is interesting that I thought it was her as in real life she doesn't seem like she likes me.
As I thought on that dream, I remembered a real like encounter with a friend of my husband's. She heard me and responded to the pain I was feeling. She brought me comfort. I am realizing how rare that is in my life.
I think what I am desiring is comfort. For someone to see I am struggling based on information I give them and for them to acknowledge me. A much younger part of me is wanting this because in difficult times I was never comforted but expected to act more grown up than I was.
I see you, acknowledge you and your struggles and am sending comfort :hug:
Bluberry, thank you for your message. It was wonderful to receive today. :hug:
.........
As the day went on today I felt more relaxed. I think the need for comfort was what was bothering me.
I did make a mistake in my application for a car loan and am trying to not be too hard on myself.
I am trying to consider what I am especially enjoying about this time as it will soon end: my cat sunning herself, more time with my cat, no schedule.
I haven't done a yoga nidra practice in a while but am noticing that when I wake up at night my body has the memory of being that relaxed.
I have been wondering today if I will ever be "better." I have such an aversion to the word "better" but don't know a different word to use.
I recognize that I have grown and made positive changes and yet there remains this deep hurt that keeps anxiety and depression around.
I'm not sure what to make of this day however am glad to get thoughts out of my head before bed.
I have a headache and I don't understand why. It may be related to the weather or perhaps stress. Stress didn't feel as pressing today, although I did do a tapping session and yoga which may have moved things around.
I also felt emotional about not having any children. I've never wanted children of my own and I don't regret not having any children of my own. But sometimes my body and the pressures I feel from society and culture and family can weigh on me.
I am really noticing how as my deeply held pain changes and as I heal, the space that used to hold those hurts is open. I am trying to fill it with things I enjoy - today I watched Groundhog Day as it is Groundhog Day in the USA and it was just fun. I definitely would like more fun and play in my life.
I ended up having to have my husband co-sign my loan for the car that I will actually be getting soon. I have enough money to pay the payments but they are just following rules about predatory loanIng. And yet I felt a little foolish from all of this. This experience was a little triggering as it is so similar to my first car buying experience when I didn't have a sufficient credit history to get a loan as I had just graduated college. Luckily that car brand had a college grad program and I was able to get a loan that way without having to involve my parents.
I am still in a holding pattern for my new job. Their background checks are extensive - I know they are working on it because someone they contacted today reached out to me with a question (I don't understand why they reached out to me and not to the HR person, but whatever).
I'm not really in a rush to get back to work - it is just that I need time to get to the new state and also even though they hired me, it still feels like something could go off (even though I know I don't have any issues in my background history that would prevent me from getting the job).
I think things are working the way they are meant to and I'm trying to move slowly.
Today I heard from the former student of mine that I call Brave One. I haven't heard from her in a while. I had really worried I made her uncomfortable and have tried to give her space. I also realize that staying in touch at times is more about me than her. I want to be a support to her but I don't get to decide if I continue to be that for her. I was very glad to hear from her today.
In general I've been considering my relationship to others a lot. I am in this weird space where relationships in my current home are slowing down as I prepare to move. Yet the move is slow going and I am feeling a bit disconnected. My husband cannot meet all of my needs and also ends up activating me.
I don't feel comfortable in relationship to anyone including my husband. I often wonder if I would just be better on my own. I don't know how to create relationships when I move.
Hi rainy,
It sounds like an uncertain time for you which maybe lends itself to stress and the icr coming up. I definitely don't have definitive answers on friendships. I think I don't/didn't have a lot of trust either. Working through the trauma might over time make it easier to see where your boundaries are and what you are willing/not willing to accept with other people.
dolly
Dolly, thank you. :hug:
........
I am sitting on my recliner with tears in my eyes.
I am realizing how afraid I am of the future.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And yet when it has dropped in the past, I didn't see it coming.
I think that is why I am so afraid. I try so hard and it feels like no matter what I do, I get myself into spots I couldn't see coming.
And yet I can't prevent other people from doing what they will do. And often that isn't a reflection of me.
As I was crying, I reminded myself that I do have evidence of things changing positively in my life and not going the worst way it could.
I am trying to cope with my fear with perfectionism and busyness and self-attack.
I notice that it is my brain giving off all these signals while my body feels calm.
I don't think my brain likes my body feeling calm.
My husband and I are going out of town soon, just for the night. I know that I will reach a point where I will become disregulated. I hope to stay aware of myself and kind to myself when/if it happens.
I hear that you are afraid of quite a number of things today. Sending kindness and other support.
Blueberry, I appreciate your words and support.
.........
I think I have reached the point where I become disregulated.
I am noticing that I am fine when we are traveling to our destination. Today I made suggestions of activities to keep us going which seemed supportive.
Something that is hard is my husband will make one suggestion and I will then look forward to that. Then he will change his mind and suggest something else (such as what we eat for lunch).
Today I wasn't attached to our first decision but I realized that it is extremely difficult for me to switch gears. I imagine the effort of holding it together and switching wears on me.
We have had a good afternoon although I managed to bruise the ball of my foot and am now deeply uncomfortable. We had a pleasant dinner. Now that all if that is done, we are settling down for the night.
And as I settle, I miss my cat and I miss my home and I want to leave. This is the point I get to. I also work hard to manage this but almost always sleep poorly which doesn't help. I will have to pay attention but I think usually have a meltdown the second day of trips. So tomorrow will be good to pay attention to even though we will go home tomorrow.
Something that surprised me today is that my husband noticed earlier that I wasn't doing very well and he gave me space to share about what is going on. Even though that helped, I am realizing that travel is so difficult and exhausting for me because of how hard it is for me to switch gears.
I am back home and didn't have any major meltdowns while traveling. I did share my observations with my husband which may have helped.
Last night I had a dream in which someone noticed I was in need of support and information and offered their help and advice. This is the second dream of late where someone has helped me. I've never had dreams like this before and it brings me some comfort.
There is still a lot of uncertainty moving forward and yet I think clarity and concrete next steps will emerge.
I spent some time journaling on paper today.
I had just written that today I am feeling ok. Almost immediately I get a text from my dad.
The text was requesting an update on the three things that seem to represent me to my parents: my new job, my planned new car, my move. And then the finale: what about your current house? (As though people don't sell houses everyday)
I share the same information I've shared with both him and my mom several times as nothing has changed.
As I was writing back to him, it occurred to me that my parents are most likely anxious in their attachments. All this change for me is triggering them.
This exchange hurt me because I have been feeling really upset of late about my relationship to my parents.
I don't feel like they like me or my husband and I don't particularly like them. I don't think I need them to like me, but it would help to not have their anxiety seep into everything and leave me feeling unsupported.
I also have come to realize how much they have in common with my in-laws. All the things my in-laws do that bug me are things my parents have done in the past.
The difference between my husband and I was that I put more distance between my parents and myself. And now these days as they age I feel a different kind of pressure than I did before.
I do not want to care for them and yet feel a wider gulf between myself and my siblings than before. I don't see how we are going to navigate the future. Add to that my in-laws, I sometimes dread the future.
For now I am trying to heal. A part of me wishes I knew more about the people I come from. And I grieve knowing that there are parts of our history that feel gone because my grandfathers are dead and my grandmothers are not well.
I do know I come from a particular line of people that have deviated from their parents. In many ways I think I come from a line of cycle breakers even if they still passed along generational trauma.
*sigh*
Today I spent a lot of time listening to podcasts and walking outdoors.
Right now I notice I am indulging in fantasy of how I want my life to be. I'm not sure it is always a bad thing to do that yet I worry I am still waiting for someone or something to make me all whole.
I am still waiting for things to move forward. I am tired of all the people in my life putting pressure on me to have answers or knowledge I don't have. I'm tired of being so unkind to myself.
Hi rainy,
I'm just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time right now. I like being out in nature and find it's a good way to reset.
dolly
Dolly, I appreciate your words and support. :hug:
.........
I am feeling tired today and also I've been able to release some stuck feelings.
I had what I believe will be my last haircut with my current stylist. She has been a big supporter of mine and I am sorry that our relationship is ending.
There was a guest speaker in my yoga teacher training last year that I really liked. I signed up for a mailing list she has. Today she sent out a message about estrangement and trauma. I felt really supported by her message.
I decided to respond to what she wrote. In my response to her I realized how much my visit to my parents really bothered me. I haven't gotten over it. I can't shake the feeling that they are so disappointed in me and find my humanity gross and unacceptable. I am also so puzzled over my relationship with my husband and with others in general.
After I responded back to her, I cried a good cry. It was much needed.
I decided to go for a walk and when I got back I saw that she had responded to me. She thanked me for my message and for sharing my vulnerability with her. It felt good to get her message.
I am taking it slow today. I am so tired and my body is telling me to take it easy.
Today is starting off with way more excitement than I anticipated.
I haven't been fully sure of how to navigate the hiring for my job but also haven't heard anything from the folks there for weeks.
The HR person I've been in contact with today emailed me this morning to clarify when I will be coming to bring my paperwork and made the assumption it would be this week.
So it is Wednesday, I am still in my current state. I have not received any confirmation of a start date from the people I would be working for. No, I don't think I will be bringing papers this week. And I certainly hope they don't expect me to show up on Monday.
I left a voicemail with the person I interviewed with and who called me to let me know they wanted to hire me to get clarification.
My impression is she will be understanding. Of course I am feeling foolish like I have missed something. How am I supposed to know what they want if they haven't told me?
I hope for more clarity today and I hope I will be able to be gentle with myself as things start to be set in motion.
A lot happened today and the next several days will be interesting.
First, I was able to buy my car. I am so excited to have a car again. I have to take it back to the dealer tomorrow because they didn't turn off some setting that limits the speed.
Next, I got clarity from my new job. There has been a lot of miscommunication - they are basically waiting for me to show up. I find it so odd - every job I've had has given a set start date. Not these folks.
They were very nice to me about the situation but sheesh. It is so odd. My intention is to get myself organized tomorrow and start driving. I've been slowly getting ready and have been wanting to get going. I am just really overwhelmed that so much happened today.
I hope folks will keep me in their thoughts in the next several days. I have a lot of trauma with long distance driving and am pretty anxious with the drive. I know I can do it as I drove here from far away. All I can do is take my time.
hi rainydiary
Absolutely sending best wishes for a peaceful drive and a smooth transition.
I hope the overwhelming feeling fades and you can enjoy some of the excitement of it all.
Definitely in my thoughts these next few days.
The miscommunication stinks... I've had that happen the other way innocently enough... definitely worse from the new hire side. I'm glad they were very nice about it :)
Best wishes rainydiary!! You got this :)
Hi Rainydiary,
:cheer: I am happy to hear that you now have your new car. I hope you enjoy driving it - and that you're safe on your journeys in it (I read that you dislike long distance driving - so I really hope that you will be ok, and stay safe)
Interesting what happened with the job, and the miscommunications. It sounds like both of you were a bit cautious about not over-stepping things with one another, so there seemed to be some care and concern on both sides (that's what I thought, I don't know) - but I really hope that they are supportive and welcoming to you on whatever first day you have with them. Fingers crossed for you.
I agree with Phil72 'You got this' :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Rainy,
I just wanted to check in and say that I hope the trip has gone well and that you made it there and back safely.
I've had times in the past where it didn't make sense or feel right to question things, and also other times where I've probably questioned too much instead of just letting it happen. It's hard to find the boundary where I feel ok at times to put myself out there and question things and not question myself.
dolly
Wow thats really strange that they didn't give you a clear start date and were just waiting for you to show up! ???
I hope the drive went well and that you feel comfortable with the job and people too. :grouphug:
;) hi rainy , hope you have a great day
Just saying Hi and thinking of you. I hope everything went okay! gentle hugs if you want them.
Thank you all for the support and encouragement.
I wanted to share an update.
I made it safely to my new state. The drive was long and with the exception of one near miss with a deer (of course a deer would try to run across a highway when I am driving a new car), it was uneventful and smooth.
When I showed up to my AirBnB type place on Sunday, I couldn't get in. I called the property person and they said I couldn't stay there due to mold. It is crazy no one called me. I will say I come have a long way that this didn't set me off. I found another hotel and stayed there. The challenge is that I brought my cat with me and not all places take cats...plus she is a cat and not at all enjoying this constant change.
I am now staying with a work colleague of my husband's and have a time to view an apartment today. It is nice of these folks to let me stay but it is going to wear on me quickly. The apartment should work out - my husband and I looked at this apartment complex when we were here in November and both liked it.
I turned in the documents the HR people wanted. I am still so confused by the way things are run, but I will be starting next Tuesday. I hope someone will let me know where I need to be. I am accepting that they are a bit dysfunctional - it seems like there is a huge gap between HR and everyone else (which is common in school districts). I'm also not upset because my husband and I are working out how we can both stop working as soon as possible and be "retired." So for now, this is a way to make money.
I appreciate all of your support.
Today I took a walk trying to keep anxiety at bay.
February has brought a lot of change really quickly. Along with all that change, I've had a lot of processes and paperwork to go through - buying a car, starting a new job, renting an apartment, selling our house. I keep waiting for something bad to happen while all of these things work out.
I can't remember when this happened, but my husband told me his parents are coming this weekend to our home to "help" him pack. I immediately felt a hurt - of course as soon as I leave, they swoop in. They absolutely will not help him do anything and this isn't about being of help to him.
I can't set boundaries for my husband and I wish he would see that the way his parents act is not ok. He did seem irritated by them coming. I chose to not say much both because I was caught off that they were going but also because my expression of feelings about his parents doesn't serve. And yet I still have feelings because they are hurting me and they are hurting him.
What I am seeing though is that this transition is proving to be an opportunity for my husband and I to make our own way forward. We have plans for things that are right for us. But we have to get through this time right now.
best to you rainy, in getting thru all this. as you say, you can only set boundaries for yourself, but i can understand the difficulty in having to watch someone you care about get hurt by the machinations of others. sending love and a hug filled with support for you and what you're going thru. :hug:
Thank you, San. I appreciate the support. I am also noticing that I shared my experience with a friend and she got me all worked up about my in-laws. I know it comes from a place of caring for me, but I know the level of energy I need to give this. My in-laws are unwell people and I have done my best to distance myself. It is hard for to accept my husband has a different way. After my visit with my parents in December, I have more compassion for how hard it is to stand up against long standing unhealthy dynamics.
........
I am surprised to find myself back here today, but I haven't processed much over the past week and think it would be helpful.
I left my old home so quickly I didn't really have a chance to say good bye. I knew it was coming and I don't miss it really, but it is still the end of almost 7 years of my life.
As I accepted the help of these people that welcomed me into their home and am staying with these folks, I notice how my usual social anxiety doesn't seem present or at least different. I am taking time for myself but also trying to engage with the adults.
I am slightly triggered by how the parents are treating their children - they expect too much of small kids and aren't fully letting them be kids. I am grateful to be able to give the kids space to be 5, 3, and 2. These kids seem to love me and I love them even though I've known them for 2 days.
I do hope the kids don't pass germs to me that will lead to illness. They go to daycare and it's been a while since I've been around little ones. I just don't want to be sick in my first week of work.
Things are still working out, but I feel a bit better knowing how where I will start my first day of work. I am still waiting to hear if we were approved for our apartment. Things just move at a different pace in this state and I am trying to slow down.
I have a emotion freedom tapping app on my phone and in one of the guided tappings, the leader says something like "I can't stress out a solution." That really sticks with me and I am definitely trying to stress out solutions.
hi rainy, i hope you have a sunny day :sunny:
You seem to have a really sweet connection to kids and young adults, Rainy. It's a special gift. I don't doubt for a second the love you feel flowing between yourself and those children.
You've had a lot of change and it seems you are doing really well. I'd be horrified to have anyone coming in and helping pack my house without me present. Yuck. Let alone those in laws.
Larry, thank you. :sunny:
.....
Armee, thank you for this reflection. I don't know why but I feel like I have to acknowledge my flaws here - if the kids were under 2, I would struggle. Babies and I do not get along. But 2 and up I do ok. I don't know why this matters, but it is something I notice about myself. I highly doubt my in-laws will actually do any packing but I still don't like them being around our things without me being present. It is a dirty trick they are pulling and is more about their enmeshment and lack of ability to regulate themselves.
........
It's now been a full week since I've been away from my previous home.
I am still waiting to hear if the apartment I applied to has accepted our application. I'm feeling stressed because I had talked to them about moving in on Saturday.
I plan to call them when they open to figure out what is going on. My intuition tells me this is intentional and they are playing some game that makes sense to them but is causing me angst.
I am really worn out with being in the home of other people. Their kids had a rough night last night and were crying and screaming. It was really activating to me.
I think what was activating is that the kids' reactions make sense to me and I don't like the way their parents are responding. I also know what it is like to be an adult when a kid is strongly emoting and you don't know what to do. I mostly just feel like I am in the way.
This morning my cat woke me up early (another reason we really need out of this place so she can have more room to roam at night and not bug me the whole night).
As I was laying in bed, I remembered a time in college when I was a houseguest with a friend. It was such an uncomfortable experience and I found that I am still carrying some of that discomfort.
I hadn't thought about or remembered that experience for a long time and it was weird to have it come up now.
My husband was also a bit rude to me yesterday and it upset me. It was an instance where I recognized that he is stressed and when he gets like that, he does what he learned from his family and tries to pass off responsibility.
What bugs me the most about his parents going to "help" him pack is that they are not giving him space to do this thing which he is perfectly capable of doing. He tells himself this story of how we had no friends or anyone in our town - that isn't true. His cousin lives nearby and he has work friends that I know would help.
I'm also really bothered by the weird sense of responsibility he feels for his niece. He brings her up like he is a decision maker for her and it makes me sick. I struggle to handle the gross way that child is being raised. It's hard to watch and I want to scream at him to leave it alone.
This is a hard time and I hope to keep taking care.
I heard from the apartment complex I applied to. Our application was approved and I can move in tomorrow as planned.
I am so grateful that I will have my own space tomorrow. It will be minimalist for a while until our stuff arrives but it will be good to have our own space.
I haven't felt well mentally today and noticed that my interactions and perceptions with one of the adults I am staying with triggered an EF. I felt really judged by her and found myself feeling smaller and smaller. I also felt bad that I said something this morning to her and her daughter that came out the wrong way.
That is passed now as I will be leaving tomorrow and I think the best solution is for us to all have our own space.
:hug:
Thinking of you, rainy :hug:
That will be amazing to have your own space. :hug:
When does your husband join you?
Thank you all, I wanted to update to say I am in my own apartment and my cat can wander as she pleases. I am exhausted and sore but feel much better.
My husband is about 2 weeks from joining me given the timeline of when we could get movers.
I will share more tomorrow.
Hi Rainydiary,
So glad to hear you're in your own apartment and I hope you get chance to relax a bit today, and do whatever you want to do. :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, thank you. There were good things about today - I now live near the sea and enjoyed seeing the water today.
........
Now that the initial stress and settling in are over, all of my emotions are catching up.
Last night I had trouble sleeping. I am using a cot which wasn't the most uncomfortable way to sleep, but not the same as a bed. Since the apartment doesn't have much in it yet, sound really moves around.
In between periods of sleep, I thought about my week with the folks I staged with. The mother of the family and my primary contact as she is a colleague of my husband, really triggered me. I think I triggered her too. I am noticing that some of our interactions were rather "mean girl" in tone. It surprises and makes me feel shame that I responded that way to her.
It was hard though to watch her expect her 5, 3, and 2 year old to be more adult than they are. Her expectations are too high and are that they will follow some plan she has. Her absolute control in the house was so strongly felt by all and I felt smothered by it. I think she must have things she is trying to keep at a distance and I just hope she learns that being responsive to her children isn't a science or exact thing.
Earlier I thought about a person I was roommates with in college for one semester. I'm not sure why we roomed together or why this is even coming up. A lot of college memories have been coming up and I don't really understand why.
I miss my husband and I miss my things that signal comfort. I am doing my best and I am hanging in there. But there is still a distance to go.
here's to having everything settle as quickly as possible, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
It's hard to be in so much Flux. Lots of emotions and memories makes sense. I am looking forward to seeing how this new move works out for you and H.
Hi Rainy,
That sounds great that you have a new place and your cat has room to explore. Sometimes I find memories coming up from uni. I think maybe it was an important time for development when we left home and interacted with people with our "own" personalities for the first time. Trying to leave behind what I knew growing up and how I wanted the world to be. Not sure if it's relevant for you, so please discard if not.
Hope the housewarmimg is going well,
dolly
Hi Rainy, congratulations on the new apartment ! I hope you enjoy being by the sea, i feel like it is very theraputic. ;)
San, thank you - I think it is getting there slowly but surely. I appreciate your support.
.....
Armee, I appreciate your perspective. I am interested to see how this move works out too.
.....
Dolly, I like your thought. I hadn't thought of going to college in that way. I think it was my first time of feeling stuck and not knowing why but also really putting myself out there. I also am reminded that my memories aren't linear and that perhaps there are things releasing in my body that are bringing up the memories.
.....
Larry, thank you. I am loving being by the sea as I also find it therapeutic.
.........
Today I started my new job.
Overall it went ok. It was a weird first day.
One thing I am feeling bad about is I was in a training that included me, a new teacher, and the person training us. I was a bit on edge during the meeting which had very little to do with the other people.
The morning was not well planned or well scheduled. I felt like my time was not being respected and I met a few people who felt comfortable just sharing really strong opinions and thoughts with me.
So by the time I got to this training, I was in need of a break. The other new person had a ton of questions which the trainer couldn't and really shouldn't answer because it is outside the scope of his training.
At one point, the other person apologized for asking a question and I took that as a sign I was giving off vibes that I was tired of his questions. I felt bad that he felt that. I tried to repair and say I appreciated his questions. My issue wasn't with him but with the people training us.
The schools I will work at are on the military base near us. Being on the base started to bring up some feelings. Nothing in particular registered but I will need to move carefully.
Overall this was the least horrid I felt after starting a new job. I am being hard on myself but nothing really happened that I need to protect myself from. I hope to get some sleep tonight and prepare for another day.
I hope today feels a bit more comfortable, Rainy. Working with base schools given your history could be really difficult. You are really skilled at connecting with what kids are going through...for the kids you work with it may be a really great fit. Just take good care of yourself.
Armee, thank you. I am glad I am more aware than I have been in the past and yet it is always a bit unnerving to not know what is going to come up.
........
This morning I felt really emotional and cried a bit.
Today I went to the other school I will work at. It is definitely going to challenge me.
I can already see unhealthy dynamics present. People do not seem happy walking into the building. I had some odd interactions today. I hope to be mindful moving forward.
I do get my own office space which I think will help some.
I am really looking forward to Saturday when a couch will arrive. I do have worry about that as the movers will likely need to use an elevator. There is a service elevator that can be reserved....but I don't know when the movers are coming. I just hope it goes smooth.
:bighug:
i hope it all goes smoothly for you, too, rainy, at both home and work. interesting that you've already been able to spot a sense of unhappiness about the people at the school. i'm glad you're going to be mindful. i've been sucked into some seemingly innocuous dynamics at times when i haven't thought the entire situation thru. and good luck with the couch. love and hugs :hug:
I had some trouble accessing the site the past several days but found my way back. This is a post I wrote the day my access stopped (Thursday):
Thank you Bach. :hug:
.....
San, I appreciate your support. :hug:
........
Today I received an unexpected trigger at work today which I didn't deal with in the moment.
I can feel myself becoming emotional and allowing myself to have the feelings I didn't feel like I could have at work.
A colleague passed along the names of students that I will begin seeing as my caseload. Today I went through the files to get oriented so that I can start my work.
****TW: mention of suicide
I get to one name and notice that the last name is almost the same as my married last name. It looks so close. Then I notice that the student's first name is the same as my brother in law who died by suicide.
I could feel my brain slowly make this connection that I was looking at my deceased BIL's name. It really landed hard for me. My mind started racing and I began to wonder why this happened.
I am so surprised at this today and how sad it made me feel. The event itself was terrible and the aftermath and pain it brought me in my marriage is something I am still dealing with.
*****End TW
I had odd dreams last night where I was hugged and carried. It was welcome and yet I woke up feeling disoriented and lonely. I began to fear that my husband won't actually make it to me.
I still have so many questions about our relationship. I am trying to understand how my growth and healing has changed how I approach everything including our relationship. I don't understand what has changed and I am always afraid that he will leave.
I am so uncomfortable today. I am doing my best and yet it feels like I am walking a thin line.
I had a bit more trouble accessing the site after I posted, but I think I have found a solution.
I wanted to share some updates:
I am really acknowledging to myself that I am approaching the time where I need to stop the career I am doing. I will find a way to work with youth but I am not as willing to participate in the broken systems that constantly trigger and activate my trauma.
I am ok for now. I continue to notice ways that the school I am at for 4 days a week is triggering me. One of my colleagues is especially activating me and I realized that her reaction to things I say or ask (which is more about her than me) is setting my 4F response into action.
I feel some relief in acknowledging this myself. And having a vision to work toward of finding something that doesn't make me so miserable.
I received my couch and the mover process was fine. They came very early and I felt bad that they were a bit noisy. Apartment life is very different than living in a house of my own.
Today there was a group of people protesting outside my apartment building. Their cause is not one I agree with and I was really activated by them being there as they were loud. At the time they were doing this my mom texts me a ton of invasive questions which I provided information that I was willing to share. She got annoyed with my responses and sent me a passive aggressive response to "end" the conversation. It really upset me.
Today I heard music in a place I stopped in to get lunch that really pulled up emotions. One was joy because the song was catchy and several people in the restaurant were dancing to it. I had the thought that I'm not having fun. The next song brought me to tears.
I hope to sleep a bit better tonight.
dang, rainy, what a wide range of emotions and situations to deal with in such a short time. i hope you can be gentle with yourself as you sort thru everything - including that big realization about your job. huge. sending love and a hug full of support. :hug:
Rainy,
Thank you for sharing what you are going through. That's a huge realization and important.
San, I am surprised by all of this that is coming up. I am slowly getting back to routines that help me feel more anchored.
.....
Armee, I appreciate this reflection.
........
I slept more comfortably last night than I have for about a week. Having a couch has really bumped up my quality of life. My husband will be on his way here in a week which will also be good.
I wanted to expand on my thought that my time in my current career being close to an end.
I have been realizing that I came to this career for a reason which was to help lead me to understanding and beginning healing from my trauma. I'm noticing that often the way I approach my work can be more about me than others.
What I am also realizing is that it is not possible for this work to not trigger me. I have better and worse days but I am generally doing all I can to hold it together. Accommodations wouldn't help.
I have come a long way and am doing better generally. And yet I also think that I will not continue healing if I continue putting myself in situations where it is almost guaranteed my 4F response will be activated.
I feel stress because I know that my parents will not understand this. I'm not sure why I am worrying about this right now - I plan to keep my job for the duration of our lease in our apartment.
I tried sharing this with a friend and she got kind of "momish" with me which upset me. She was asking me if I am making friends. I did not need that question. I do my best with social relationships but that is a difficult aspect for me too.
This week I hope to start running again. I've been trying to get back to yoga too as my body has greatly tightened up over the past several weeks. I am doing the best I can and trying to be caring to myself.
Hi Rainy :)
Thank you for sharing...
Sending love and support and best wishes for your day today!
Phil, I appreciate your support. :)
..........
I made it through work today. The main person that really stresses me out wasn't there today. I think Mondays in general may be more low key because they don't work there on Mondays.
Tomorrow I go to the other school I will work at. I am hoping to run before work tomorrow. It is difficult for me to run after work especially now that I have a longer commute than I've had for a while.
I am feeling really drained. I signed up for a yoga class that I can join online. I am stressed because I worry it will throw off my sleep and evening routine. But I figured I would at least try it.
I am really feeling like I cannot connect with other people of late. I think I do connect at work but I don't talk to anyone really after work. I don't actually have a problem with this but I feel judged by other people. I need so much downtime and recharge time which is why this is what I do.
It can really hurt when people expect us to be different than we are. But so many of us need lots of time to recharge and you have a lot of wisdom and strength to prioritize listening to what you need.
RainyDiary,
I was able to catch up on the last two pages of your journal. You have sooo much going on right now, so many significant changes in your life. Wow. I have so much admiration and care for you.
Quote from: rainydiary on February 26, 2022, 11:07:24 PM
I am trying to understand how my growth and healing has changed how I approach everything including our relationship. I don't understand what has changed and I am always afraid that he will leave.
I also experience this. My husband really hasn't changed. I've changed and how I view him has shifted a great deal. I also fear my H will leave, but I am unwilling to pretend things are okay.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 01, 2022, 02:22:02 AM
I need so much downtime and recharge time which is why this is what I do.
Me too. Not only does living with cPTSD take a great deal of energy, your recent life changes are very stressful.
Armee, it is difficult when that happens as it is also a component of the issues with my parents - not accepting what and who I am. I hope to listen to myself and not hold so much to what others say.
.....
Not Alone, I appreciate your care and words. I am hoping the time we've spent apart the past few weeks has been informative for my husband and I. I am trying to understand that change in how I see things isn't necessarily a bad thing but it is confusing. I am glad to know I'm not the only one that needs so much rest.
.........
I am feeling relatively ok today.
I have been building back up my exercise routine which does help.
I also spoke with a colleague at my second school yesterday. She was helpful in that she offered perspective on what I am experiencing in my main school. It is dysfunctional and it is not me. She is going to help me advocate for a different school placement next school year.
I have told some folks I respond differently because of trauma. I still feel like I can see folks give me this *look* when I respond in a way that isn't "normal." Some of it might be in my perception only but I know some of it isn't.
I have been feeling lately how the reality of who I am is different from the person I sometimes imagine myself to be and what I wish I was. I am trying to be accepting of where I actually am yet it also makes me sad.
My mom has been having nose bleeds of late. The first time it happened she texted me. It made me feel weird because it was like "What can I do?" She is going to the doctor tomorrow which is the only thing she can do as I am not a doctor and not able to help her. It makes me feel ill to realize my parents are aging but also that they haven't tried to improve the stuff they do that hurts me and my siblings.
:wave:
Just catching up here. Hoping things go better for you at work and that the yoga class works out. That's a lot going on, but I'm still wishing it turns out okay for you. gentle hugs if you want them.
Hi Larry :heythere:
.....
Sage, thank you for checking in and for your support.
.........
This week has been weird and I am entering the weekend on a weird note.
This morning I didn't want to go to work but as I was driving I felt myself settling into a routine. I felt less overwhelmed.
Work itself was ok but I am struggling with a situation I don't understand what to do and no one is being helpful (as I have been trying to put into motion what I think I am supposed to do and reaching out).
I ran some errands in my way home from work and placed an order for something online to be shipped to me. I forgot to update with my new address and by the time I tried calling the company to update the address, they claimed there was nothing they could do. I got it resolved but it made me feel terrible as it was an easy mistake to make.
I was telling my husband about the situation and I think I must have triggered him as he was really rude to me. I tried to stand up for myself but at times like this he doesn't realize that "being right" isn't what I need and how that comes across. I decided to step away from the conversation.
I think we are both unsettled as he will start driving up to our new home tomorrow once our furniture is taken by movers. The temporary situations we've been in are coming to an end and it is another change.
so many changes, rainy. i don't doubt you're feeling unsettled maybe even distressed by everything. i think when there are outside circumstances such as you described with H and work and moving that we end up giving a lot more weight to those 'little' mistakes than they deserve. i know i feel terrible, too, when i goof up with something like you described. and for what? like you, it always gets resolved, no harm, no foul. i think our reaction mechanism has been tainted by trauma. i have to keep reminding myself not to put unrealistic, perfectionist expectations on myself. it's hard to keep that in mind, tho. here with you sending love and a hug filled with support. :hug:
San, it has been a lot of change and I do think it can color how I am experiencing. I appreciate your support.
........
I was noticing today that I haven't been journaling much either on paper or online.
I notice that I am generally not as "in my head" as usual. I'm not sure that is actually it - I think it is more that I am not necessarily attaching emotionally to my thoughts the same as I have in the past.
It could also be that I am emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually tapped out from all the change. And yet I also want to give myself credit - I think I have done a lot of self work and am responding differently.
My husband is due to arrive tomorrow and I will be glad to have him here.
Two things are on my mind tonight:
The first is that I am realizing how little I actually need materially to get by. I have not missed a large portion of things I packed. I hope to pare down what I own even more than I did before moving.
Another thing is that a person that I went to high school with lives in a neighboring state and is about 2ish hours away. This is a person that I felt cared about me when I knew him in high school and as I've been on my healing journey, I especially came to appreciate his presence in my life at the time I knew him.
I have always attached a lot of meaning to our friendship. He is a person that often shows up in my dreams and I have always fantasized about what would happen if we ever met up. This fantasy has been going on before I knew my husband. I think a part of me wants to have this story of "someone loved me for who I am all this time." It makes me feel ashamed to feel this way.
This person contacted me to say he will be up in my area later this month and is hoping to meet up. I think it would be a group meet up with some other folks he knows up here.
This has been stressing me out. I would like to see him, but given all this emotional stuff I've carried about him for all this time, I don't know. I genuinely respect this person and he is my friend, but it feels like too much right now. I am sure he would understand.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I definitely don't feel as miserable as I have in the past. I am reminding myself that I don't have to do this forever. I signed up for a drawing class which is something I enjoyed doing in high school and hope to recover some of my enjoyment for drawing. My hope is to begin enjoying my life as so much of it has been misery.
Hi Rainydiary,
I read what you wrote earlier today, and was thinking about it. I am grateful to you for sharing your experiences, as they resonated with me - especially regarding the fantasising aspect, as I don't think I've felt able to do that in the past, but somehow lately I am beginning to have a part of myself communicate in dreams and involve more fantasising.
I can understand that the thought of meeting up with the friend you mentioned would be potentially stressful, and I hope that you will be ok when/if you decide to meet up.
I also hope that you and your husband enjoy your time together in your new home, as I know you mentioned that he's due to arrive tomorrow. I hope he has a safe journey, and that you enjoy time together.
:hug:
Hope :)
Hope, thank you for your words. I think I have often fantasized in my mind and it is interesting the things that I fantasize about - most that I have a lot of friends and am really popular and have my life together. I don't think any of those things are necessarily untrue but I also think there is a difference in what I actually want and what I tell myself I should want.
..........
Today has been a strange day.
I had lots of positive interactions with students which feeds my soul.
Today I noticed that I have a crack in my windshield. It didn't start as a crack but something the windshield people turned it into made it crack. I have a claim in to my insurance to get a replacement windshield but it is a possibility that it will take longer as there is a glass shortage.
My husband arrived today and I am having very confused and conflicted feelings. Part of me is glad but part of me also didn't miss the constant communication with his sister and mom which makes me feel less of a priority. Their relationship is so weird.
Something over the past few years has shifted in me and I don't understand it. It's also hard to not be codependent. I think that is some of why I also don't want to see my high school friend - I am scared he will be disappointed in how I've turned out.
I think the path I am supposed to follow will continue to illuminate. I am really upset by world events and am trying to do my part.
My husband shared something that upset me and I think it would be helpful to get out.
After I left, his parents planned a trip to our former home to "help" him pack. What I didn't know is that they stayed in our house and slept in our bed.
I cannot express how gross and annoying I find this. It hurts me because without my presence, he would be living with them in his hometown. It feels like such a thin line we walk.
I think my biggest struggle in my relationship is that I don't trust his commitment to me. When I am not around, he is so enmeshed still with his family and it makes me question if he will stick it out with me.
I have not gotten over the hurt of him leaving me for over a month to be with his family after his brother died. He also spoke mean things to me when he returned that I know are the poison his parents spoke about me during that time.
And he just doesn't see anything wrong in all this.
He made it here and I am trying to remember that that means something. But I am so tired of feeling like this is all could go up at the drop of a hat.
what a horrible feeling to have to carry around, rainy, but it sure makes a lot of sense to me why you would have it. i think it's a scary thought as well. i feel for you. sitting with you as you work at this - i hope his commitment holds, too. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainy,
I'm sorry that you're struggling with this right now. He is making the choice to be with you right now and that is positive. It sounds like him leaving may bring up some past stuff about saying mean things which your parents also did. That's difficult to go through.
I understand the fantasy of wanting to meet your friend, "the one who maybe got away." I fantasise/romanticise people a lot I think. I read something the other day which said fantasising/romanticising is about the avoidance of pain and not being in the present. I don't think there's anything wrong with pursuing a friendship as long as you set good boundaries and are honest with yourself about what you can and cannot do.
Sending you support,
dolly
San, I appreciate your words - they brought me a lot of comfort.
.....
Dolly, I appreciate your perspective. I had not connected the way difficult interactions with my husband (and others) to the experience of my parents putting me down. It makes a lot of sense - thank you for saying that.
........
I am still definitely in difficult territory. My husband being here has thrown off the routines I established and I am tired.
Last night I realized how misattuned I feel with him and ended up getting really upset by something I think he meant to be caring and connecting.
What bugs me is that we didn't really talk it through and this morning just acted like it didn't happen. I notice this is an ongoing issue for us - I tried last night before he upset me to initiate a check in conversation but he brushes those off. It's hard to get anywhere different when he just wants to avoid difficult conversations.
One thing that upset me last night is that he told me his mom will not give him his social security card. Generally I don't think the actual card is that important but sometimes it is necessary for things. He said she claims she will bring it when they visit this summer. So, not only do I have a visit to "look forward" to, I was really upset that he just accepts a completely unreasonable behavior from his mom. This morning I sent him a link to requesting a replacement card - he doesn't need her to send him anything.
This morning I also realized that some of my anger and misattunement right now is that I am in an EF. There are three big life changes that I shared with my husband are coming up for me - one is a trip we took to a different country, one is a move we made about 8ish years ago, and one is the time he spent with his family after his brother died.
All of these events included him not being honest with me about what is going on with him. All of these events created a huge rift between me and my family. All of these events involved his family inserting themselves in our life. And all of these events included him saying some really hurtful things to me.
This time we are in is reminding me of those times. I think I am almost holding my breath waiting for him to fall apart.
He took this week off of work and I am trying to just let him have space to do his thing. He did a lot of things yesterday to establish residency here. He also doesn't really know what to do with himself when I or his family aren't around. That is some of what upset me last night too is that when he wants attention he is rather demanding about it when I was busy with other things.
I would say too being back around military life and the experience of all the moves and transition I had growing up in a military family is also present. Some of the worst and meanest things my parents ever did happened around moving.
In general, I just have so many feelings. I am not sure if I am dissociating as I generally feel ok. I think I have grown too and am managing ok. I think there is just stuff deep inside that was dormant and is coming up.
rainy, as i've said before, i feel for you. i've been married to 'avoidance' people, and it's frustrating, heartbreaking, and so much work! is there a chance for couples therapy/counseling? he sounds like the kind of person who's been damaged by his parents, yet runs to them for approval and attention anyway. just a thought off the top of my head. i'm glad you're managing, tho. that's a good thing. it does sound like you're being triggered big time on several fronts, but also sounds like you're managing quite well. thanks for sharing. love and hugs :hug:
:hug:
It's a lot of triggering situations, Rainy. I hope your husband comes around to talking more openly. It makes tons of sense that so much would come up around moving between tour recent history and your childhood experiences of moving and how your parents treated you during those times.
San, I appreciate your words and suggestions. Following the death of his brother, my husband seems to "blame" mental health providers for his brother's death. I know that idea is coming from his family mostly. They have hurt him and it hurts me that he doesn't see it and that I don't know how to deal the ways it impacts me. Thank you for your care.
.....
Armee, thank you for your words and support. I appreciate the reminder it makes sense and that I am not just "overreacting."
........
Today was tough at work. I wrote my previous post before students arrived for the day.
Some of the students I have begun working with are in a program for students with mental health needs. This is not my first time doing that and I genuinely enjoy meeting and providing space for these students.
The students today shared really heartbreaking things that made me sad and hurt to hear such young children say. I hope that by listening and asking questions and being someone that cares it will help.
Because....my experience is that these classrooms and programs are so poorly run and contribute to the student's challenges. Not only do they suffer at home, they suffer at school. In both of the classes, I enter to the teacher yelling at the kids.
One of the teachers emailed me at the end of the day with a long list of concerns about my presence this morning. I may have misunderstood inform the previous speech therapist gave me about her work with these students, but I found the teacher's email really frustrating. She was essentially telling me I wasn't being safe and that I need to check with her before making changes to my schedule.
I don't doubt that these students can get upset and physical and lash out. I also trust my gut and I have not felt unsafe with them. I provide them with the choice to work together in their class or in my office (both times they chose my office which apparently "has never been done"). One student requested some space and that I meet with him second. I have no problem with this and believe it is important to honor student requests. Apparently his teacher had an issue with that.
I chose to not respond to her today. She is doing her job (I guess) and trying to keep everyone safe. But I also don't think she does as good of a job with the kids as she thinks. She is not letting me establish a relationship with the kids in my way and is always going on about how they "manipulate," etc. It is mean.
I told my husband that I had a difficult day and we have given each other space this evening while also spending it together. The crack on my windshield has gotten longer and I hope it doesn't obstruct my view and will hang on until the 24th.
Hi Rainy,
Just wanted to say stay strong. Maybe there is a way you can outline your treatment plan, or teaching agenda, with your higher up and see if they're on side with your approach? If they're resistant then you might have a better idea of what you're up against. Sometimes people are so ingrained in the way they do things that something outside the box isn't considered even if it's good for the kids.
Looking into methylation one of the things that stuck out for me was "suicide brain," and that methylation might play a role in how people react to the idea of suicide. With my father, it was speculated that the Prozac he was taking gave him the push to put action to idea. Prozac is known to interact with L methylfolate. Maybe there is something there.
That sounds like a big connection to make - moving now and moving growing up. Hope you're able to find some space to navigate this.
dolly
Dolly, I appreciate your perspective and the information you shared. There is so much to consider and it is weird what does and doesn't come up.
........
I have been feeling especially tired this week even though I've been sleeping. I have had more stress dreams of late. I can't recall a lot of details but my mind is busy.
I responded to my colleague's email and shared appreciation for her sharing her perspective. I also shared how I approach my work and tried to say that I understand how to work with these students. I think my response was the ticket as she responded back positively. She also said, "I don't like surprises." So really I think most of her behavior toward me is about her own stuff.
I did feel pretty bad at work today. The main school I am at is very poor with communication. That really became apparent as some folks have been continuing to communicate with the person who was previously working with these students and she didn't tell me. I found out something big is due next week that I didn't know I had to do.
A difference between now and the past is that I reached out to someone at work who has become my mentor. She helped me problem solve and validated that what I am experiencing is not ok. That helped me relax. I have a plan now and even though I hate it, it will get the job done.
My husband and I cleared the air a bit this evening. When I got home he told me his family is coming to visit in June. I opted to tell him my upset about their recent "help" with moving, how he let them sleep in our bed, how if I wasn't here he wouldn't live here. I also shared upset about the amount of communication he and his mom and sister especially have.
He said he is glad we moved here and he seems to like it. He also said that he "chooses" the amount of communication and had asked his parents to help him with moving. This I don't buy. He had plenty of other people in the area he could have asked for help. And I don't think he chooses the amount and level of communication with them. But perhaps my putting this out there will get him thinking. It is a positive that he didn't shut down and tell me that I'm trying to make him choose between me and them as he has done in the past.
I also told him about my upset with moving and brought up our past unsuccessful moves. His response as usual was "that was a long time ago" and I said "that isn't how trauma works." It is small steps with him.
I still have a lot to sort out. Maybe I will take a solo trip somewhere when his family comes to visit. I have no interest in being around them. I wonder if there is somewhere I could find to take me and my cat and just chill.
:wave: :hug:
Bach, :hug:
.........
I am at work waiting for the clock to run down so I can go home. This school exhausts me - teachers yelling at kids constantly. Adults criticizing me for not knowing things even though I've been here for 3 weeks. I am doing my best to protect my heart here.
I know the stress is getting to me a bit and I also see that I am managing differently than before, taking things less personally. I'm still tired though. Communication is extremely poor at the school I mostly work at and it is draining me.
I had a dream last night where someone started hitting me and trying to fight. I would deflect their arms but wasn't really "letting go" and lashing out physically to defend myself. It was a peculiar dream and has left me feeling a bit off all day.
Although I'm glad my husband and I talked a bit more last night, I'm bothered by how much my approach continues to evoke our anxious and avoidant attachments. I try to communicate but it comes from an anxious attached place which prompts his avoidant attachment. It leaves me feeling sad and not heard because I add too much detail to cover up the real pain and to keep him from "leaving."
I just want to rest. I don't think I've really rested since this move began a month ago. I've had down times but I push and push and haven't settled.
It's really positive that you are not blaming yourself. The school sounds really unprofessional and unkind. I'm kind of shocked actually by it and feel sad because as a kind hearted person that will be a very difficult environment for you to do your work in.
:grouphug: I'm impressed by how you and your husband keep trying to work through things and that willingness is so important. I hope it bears fruit soon and the relationship becomes more satisfying and attached.
hi rainydiary
I don't know anything about military schools, but it sounds so difficult, especially for a caring, empathetic person.
I can't help but think how much the students must just long for that gentle kindness.
I just wish the environment was more supportive for you.
I really admire how you are able to put words to your emotions and your reactions.
I hope you are able to find rest today. :hug:
Armee, thank you for your words and support. It makes me sad too especially as this is not my first experience with a poorly run school. I hope all the work with my husband keeps working.
.....
Phil, I should clarify - the schools I work at are public schools that happen to be located on a military base. The teachers in this particular building are especially downtrodden- in my opinion a lot of it has to do with leadership. The principal is a micromanager whose expectations are weird and misplaced. I also know the pandemic has taken a toll. But yelling at children does not seem to me to be the solution.
........
This morning when I woke up my first thought was that I am ready to finally process what happened in November and December 2019 with the lead up and immediate aftermath of my brother in law's death.
It's weird as I have thought so much about that time....but not really faced how much my husband hurt me then....and that I haven't ever really recovered from it.
Just a bit ago I wrote down all the things that came to mind from that time. I had carried all that in my head but have not ever written it down. I feel so much emotion after writing it down.
It comes down to a fight we had after he had spent a month away from me with his family. The fight made me feel like we wanted different things and that our marriage was over. I have not climbed out of the hole I fell in then.
I had to deal with my realization and understanding of how my parents hurt me before I could.
I think I still have a lot of work to do to climb out of that hole...and I hope it helps me find my way back to my marriage in a healthier way.
I'm super proud of you for writing down what took place during that difficult time. It can be so hard to get into a clear enough thinking space to do that. I hope your husband has changed. Our own hurt isn't an excuse to hurt others. You didn't deserve however he treated you.
i give you so much credit, rainy, for writing stuff down, getting it out of you, facing your reality head on. very courageous stuff. well done. :thumbup:
the school atmosphere sounds pretty yucky. i can't imagine NOT feeling exhausted by it. i know the pandemic has turned things upside down, but i wish people would use it as an opportunity to be kinder to others and themselves instead of taking their frustrations out on others. that's just not fair, not right. standing beside you as you get thru this. love and hugs :hug:
Armee, thank you. I had the thought after I wrote here that I am not trying to excuse or ignore things my husband needs to own. I see ways I get stuck really far back in the past and it is hard to see how things really are.
.....
San, thank you. I am feeling sadness at the thought of going to work tomorrow. As well as noticing that in the past I have always ignored my instinct to leave a school that didn't feel right. I start to feel guilty - I hope this time that when I am given the chance to say that I don't want to return to school I do so loud and proud and try a different situation.
........
I am worn out today with the time change and the prospect of going to work tomorrow.
Yesterday my husband and I had a really good day where we lived.
Really I just want a simpler life where I experience joy more than the drive to be productive and constantly proving myself to others.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 12, 2022, 08:10:45 PM
It's weird as I have thought so much about that time....but not really faced how much my husband hurt me then....and that I haven't ever really recovered from it.
Just a bit ago I wrote down all the things that came to mind from that time. I had carried all that in my head but have not ever written it down. I feel so much emotion after writing it down.
It comes down to a fight we had after he had spent a month away from me with his family. The fight made me feel like we wanted different things and that our marriage was over. I have not climbed out of the hole I fell in then.
I had to deal with my realization and understanding of how my parents hurt me before I could.
I think I still have a lot of work to do to climb out of that hole...and I hope it helps me find my way back to my marriage in a healthier way.
When I think about your BIL's death, this picture comes to my mind: There was a mountain with a great many jagged rocks and boulders. Some of the rocks were falling down the mountain and dislodging other stones and dirt. Your BIL's death was a huge boulder that was released from near the top of the mountain. As the boulder careened down the mountain, it created vast amounts of destruction.
I'm proud of you for writing down thoughts that came to mind from that time. BIL's death and the consequences to your marriage were significant.
Not Alone, I appreciate that visualization. I think it does describe my experience. Thank you for your support.
........
I am starting this week off on shaky ground.
As I face my feelings with my husband from my current perspective, what stands out to me is how "easy" it has always been to hate (a word I don't use lightly) his family.
This feeling comes from things they have either done to me or just generally. I recognize that I feel this way too because it was easier to see their harm than it was to see the harm in my own family. So hating them was the first step in realizing I had a lot going on with my own family.
What's hard is that when my husband either does something I don't understand (like insist we buy a zoo membership that is $100 more than we need so that his family can enter the zoo for free when they visit this summer) or does something that reminds me of his family, I feel that strong hate (although I don't hate my husband). I hate that he reminds me of them.
And then I start to hate myself. When I first met my husband, my intuition told me that he wanted to get away from his family. So a lot of my angst and way that I've seen things is through this perspective that he needs to be "set free." Which I'm not sure he agrees with or wants. I trust my intuition so strongly though and so it is hard for me to not see him as in conflict and distress. I think he is with them...but the harder thing to accept is that it isn't my job to make changes for him.
So the challenge is loving myself through this, sharing with him what I need, and letting go of trying to convince him that he needs emotional boundaries with his family. Him paying for things for them truly boils my blood yet that is a complicated web that I'm not sure I can do much about anyways.
This morning my husband returns to work after a week off. He is burned out from his job and when he gets this way it scares me that the past will repeat itself. I have told him he should quit but for some reason he won't let go. This morning when I arrived at work I had a message that makes me feel like he isn't thinking clearly. He wants to drive down to another city to see a basketball game - I don't necessarily think that's a bad idea but I'm not sure I can go or what his plan is. And our movers are due anytime.
I hope that he will find the courage to make a decision and do what is right for himself. And that I will have the strength to set boundaries and support where I can.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 14, 2022, 03:04:53 PM
but the harder thing to accept is that it isn't my job to make changes for him.
So the challenge is loving myself through this, sharing with him what I need, and letting go of trying to convince him that he needs emotional boundaries with his family.
So, so hard because you care about your husband and want healthy, kind things for him. Also because his decisions affect you. :fallingbricks:
Reading and sending you support as you figure this all out.
Not Alone, Yes and the impact on me is what is hardest because I am gaslit by almost anyone I tell about all this. A lot of things I "should" do - but never support for the boundaries I've felt necessary to create.
.....
Armee, thank you. :hug:
........
The story continues to unfold although I feel less activated than I did earlier. I felt deeply sad yesterday and think that carried over into today. It's hard for me to go to the school where I expect to see children being yelled at.
My husband has planned to go to the other city to see the basketball games. He is planning to stay with a friend he has known for a while. This friend is someone I know also and someone I trust. Honestly him going to see this friend and process and catch up is a healthier move than flying home to his parents.
Something that is a bit difficult is this friend my husband will be going to see is someone that has been present for some truly difficult parts of our history. I think the last time my husband saw him was at his brother's funeral as I believe he led the service (which we didn't connect when we were just talking about him). This friend also picked us from the side of the highway when I totaled our vehicle around 8 years ago. It just feels like some things are coming full circle. I hope that my husband will get some relief from this.
I will not be going which I am grateful for. I don't want to go and will be glad for some more time to myself. I do hope he doesn't leave the movers for me to deal with. He hasn't heard back from them yet. I hope he would adjust his plans if the movers say they are coming a certain day.
He is in a very avoidant place right now. Some of it is related to our move. A lot of it is related to his job. I'm not sure what he is waiting for and I also can't make this decision for him to quit. But it is taking a toll on us.
I made it through Monday and hope the week eases up a bit.
Hi Rainy,
I second what Not Alone said. I'm sorry that your new school is so challenging. It's not easy to see children treated like that especially if you've gone through something similar.
The trip sounds like it will be good for your husband and a chance to catch up with an old friend. It stuck with me what the rinpoche I have been learning from said about relationships and to just give them distance. Definitely harder in the moment though.
dolly
:yeahthat:
it sounds like maybe you're feeling trapped? my own projection, since that's probably how i'd feel in your place. just so sorry this is all happening now, but glad you're going to get some time to yourself. hopefully it'll help you. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Dolly, thank you - it is hard for so many reasons. Honestly it isn't that different from many schools I've worked in, I experience it differently and am tired of working in such broken situations. It makes me sad on so many levels.
I have always appreciated that some distance is good for us (me and my husband) but it is harder for me when the distance he wants is to be with his family.
.....
San, I do feel trapped. I am trying to sort out what is my own walls I put up, what is something I need to speak up about. I lack so many skills or feel like I do. Maybe it isn't a lack of skills but continuing to take and take and take stuff that hurts me.
.........
I've felt very low the past few days. There are many reasons for it but it can be so challenging. I'm tired of feeling sad so much of the time.
Last night I did cry for the first time in a while and it brought some relief. My heart felt broken as I realized that I haven't felt comfort with my husband in a long time.
Today I sent my husband an article about anxious attachment (which is my attachment style). He read it and I hope it can lead to more understanding for us. I guess I hope he will learn about his own attachment but I have no control over that.
I have a meeting tomorrow I really don't want to do. The parent is being kind of pushy about something I can't do anything about. I don't feel supported by anyone at the school so worry I won't handle it very well.
It's a really difficult heartbreaking work situation, Rainy. I hope you can feel proud of yourself for being in this line of work for as long as you've been able to tolerate it, and for keeping your heart this whole time instead of being calloused.
hi rainy, i'm sorry i haven't been here to offer support, i think of you alot, i just don't always know how or am capable of offering support. i really appreciate you. you have helped me so much in my own recovery. i love you for that.
Armee, it is heartbreaking and part of why I think it is approaching time for me to stop. I will do my best - so much is needed for so many people.
.....
Larry, I appreciate your words and support. I am glad to know you find support in me. It's ok to not know what to say - I often read posts here and wish I knew what to say. Words often aren't enough. Thank you for being on my team.
........
I had not intended to write more but my husband heard from our movers this evening. They will be here tomorrow.
I feel guilty as I cannot take work off so my husband will have to deal with it. It is also nice they are coming before he leaves on his trip. I'm fine unpacking and glad I won't have to deal with the movers.
I hope I can get to sleep. This news sent a surge of anxiety into my body.
hey, rainy,
so glad your hub will be taking some of the pressure off you by dealing with the movers. i get the feeling guilty part, but to my mind you're doing nothing wrong to feel guilty about. things work out the way they work out sometimes - if the situation were reversed you would have taken care of it w/o resentment. besides, you're doing a lot by unpacking. that's always a big part of a move, too.
as far as your work situation goes, i agree it's heartbreaking. so many people nowadays are messy in a bad way, and people like you who are only doing their best to make situations better get the brunt of their negativity. it's not fair, it's ugly, and i wish it weren't so. i hope the meeting went well. hang tough, rainy - we're hangin' right beside you! :hug: :grouphug:
San, I appreciate your words. Thank you. :hug:
.........
I am exhausted and trying to wind down.
My husband left for his trip before I got home. I have been on the go since I left work. I kept trying to wind down but the way the movers packed things kept throwing up surprises to deal with.
I am in my own bed and was able to find my pillows. I wish I could have found cleaner sheets and that my husband would have washed our sheets before letting them be packed, but I am doing what I can.
My meeting at work today went well - I shouldn't have worried...it is hard to know without meeting people how they will be. What I encountered is a parent who is anxious and relies a lot on her husband to help her (I can understand that). It is likely she has experienced trauma and is doing her best. People at the school aren't very understanding of her. I tried to speak with her and her husband in a way that I would want to be spoken to.
A colleague at my other school (which is a much more pleasant place to be) shared that at a conference today a student's teacher and parent were so happy at the connection I made with the student yesterday - that was a nice thing to hear.
I am annoyed with my husband as he has gone into his mode of what makes me feel ignored. He let me know when he left and when he arrived at his friend's, but has otherwise not responded to my messages. I can explain away why he does this but it hurts my feelings. It is unkind and I hope I can let him know that if he wants to focus on his time with his friend, he can just say that rather than not respond.
I know that the unpacking will get done. It's hard because the apartment we are in is shaped so much differently and is smaller than our townhouse was. I will find a space for everything, but it is frustrating. I'm also frustrated with how loud our apartment is. I am grieving the home we left as I did really like the house. This home will be temporary and there are many things to like about it. It is just tough right now.
I hope I can sleep and be gentle with myself tomorrow. I have another meeting tomorrow that I wish I could not attend. I am at least not in charge of it, but it is making my day longer at work than I would like.
rainy, i'm with you as you go thru all this. i'm very sorry, too, that your hub is not responding and about how that's making you feel. i believe the word 'unkind' is being very kind to him. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
hi rainydiary
I hope you slept well and can be gentle with yourself today.
I am sorry for how overwhelming and exhausting this all is and that hope sharing here helps..
I offer my support and and love and best wishes for today :hug:
San, I appreciate your words. He did eventually respond the next day. Much to work through. :hug:
.....
Phil, thank you, I appreciate the wishes. My sleep hasn't been great this week which can happen from time to time.
........
I am glad it is Friday. I generally feel unsettled - unpacking is going slow and is complicated for some reason.
Today my mom randomly tells me that my grandmother is going into hospice. My grandma has dementia and has needed care for around 6 years. So this isn't a huge surprise. But also, the way my family handles this stuff is so disconnecting.
When I went to visit one of my grandfathers when he was dying, my parents were basically like "why are you here?" In my family, we just seem to go out without a bang and no one talks about it and holds on the feelings forever.
I do wonder how the dynamic of my mom's life will shift once my grandmother dies as she has been involved in her care.
I am really exhausted today. I haven't slept well and am still trying to get settled. I think my husband is coming home today but I'm not sure. I don't think he has enjoyed his trip as much as he thought.
;) hi rainy, hope ypu had a great day today
Hi Rainydiary,
You've had so many changes to contend with in recent weeks, and I hope that you are able to take some time for yourself this weekend, and hopefully relax and do whatever you need to do with no pressures on yourself. :hug:
Hope :)
RainyDiary, I wish I could be there with you to help you to unpack. I'd also just want to listen to you and hear the many things that are a weight on you. You are carrying sooo much.
I have marked your latest entries as "unread" because I've wanted to go back into my journal and find a quote that my therapist said to me. Right now that feels like too much, so I'll do my best to paraphrase what he said.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 15, 2022, 01:53:46 AM
He is in a very avoidant place right now. Some of it is related to our move. A lot of it is related to his job. I'm not sure what he is waiting for and I also can't make this decision for him to quit. But it is taking a toll on us.
My therapist said (paraphrase) that other people see
Avoidants as nice people. They don't demand much and are easy to get along with. Others don't see the devastation that the spouse endures by living with someone who is avoidant.
This helped me, because I feel the stress, pain, and anger deeply; and to others my husband is just a nice man. That adds to the crazy-making feelings.
Larry, thank you. I'm not having good days right now - I hope that once I get all my boxes unpacked I will feel better.
.....
Hope, I appreciate your wish. I am not doing well with rest right now and I hope that changes soon.
.....
Not Alone, thank you for speaking to this as I came here to write today more about the avoidance because it is really hurting today. I appreciate you sharing that thought as I think that is important and a part of this.
.........
I feel like I've been unpacking non-stop.
I've tried to take breaks but living in an apartment where the extra boxes take up precious space is challenging.
It's been a combination of trying to keep up with life (grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry), unpack, get rid of boxes which involves a lot of complication, and trying to hold it all together.
My husband did end up coming home yesterday and I honestly wish he hadn't.
He has unpacked and set up things that he values (the TV) but has done very little to help me.
It's like he is both annoyed at me for unpacking but also waiting for it to be done.
He has been very rude to me today which I called him out on. I hope in the future I can be more specific and not overgeneralize like I did. But his comment was not only rude it also reminded me of things my father used to say to me so it was triggering too. The exchange was something like:
H: "Why do you even like that? (A food) I don't like it."
Me: silence while I hold it together because I am emotional and that reminded me of my dad and also is a weird and mean thing to say
Me: "You have been really critical of everything I've been saying lately and you seem like you are in a bad mood."
Later he "apologized" for "teasing" me. But I am still feeling hurt. I had a weird dream last night about my dad where he acted more like the person my husband is and it was so disturbing. I have felt weird all day.
I can't really process things right now. The unpacking needs to get done and clearly if I don't do it, no one will. As I unpack, I also get mad because it is becoming obvious to me that he didn't clean anything or do some of the things he said he would. So I am also having to clean up things that are completely disgusting and also figure out what to do with things I wasn't expecting to own anymore.
I feel very alone right now. When I get in this place, I try to do what I need to to care for myself. It feels most caring to have our stuff unpacked so that I can feel more settled.
Whew, I was upset yesterday.
I did end up telling my husband I needed his help as I had done all I could on my own. Of course he then jumps in and starts getting work done when I was trying to rest. I felt bad because I didn't honor my boundary.
I also felt bad that when I am trying to stand up for myself, I don't express my need. A similar interaction happened this morning and I was able to call attention to it but still didn't express a need. Telling him how I think he feels isn't helpful. I will have to keep practicing saying my needs.
I have started sleeping better which I hope will help. I did make a lot of progress the past few days. The things that are left to unpack aren't crucial for day to day life so I feel less urgency.
Hi Rainy,
I hope you can find some time to do something enjoyable for yourself today. You've gone through so much recently.
Thank you Armee :hug:
........
I think the apartment is mostly unpacked. I still have some errands to run this week to get rid of boxes and get new license plates...but I hope all of this is slowly getting resolved.
My cat has been keeping to herself a lot today. I'm worried she is sick but perhaps she just needs some space today. I don't know how well she's slept since we moved. She has made some weird missteps today that are what made me worried. She is eating and drinking and caring for herself so whatever it is doesn't seem urgent. I had intended to make a vet appointment soon anyhow so I suppose I will do it tomorrow.
There is a person at work that I think is trying to be my friend. She wants to give me a houseplant and has been texting with me. I am trying to be open to friendship but it is hard.
I have a stomachache as I prepare for bed that I think has a lot of sources. I had a really weird dream last night. I'm glad to be sleeping well enough to dream but hope my dreams ease up a bit - they have been so intense the past couple of nights.
Two more weeks and then it is spring break where I live.
It's hard to trust friendship sometimesz especially at work.
Cats take changes pretty hard. I hope it is just her adjusting to the new place.
Sending you some support for restful sleep tonight.
It's nice that she's willing to give you a plant. Even if you don't become close friends, someone positive on your side can make a day brighter here and there.
As a long-time cat person myself, I agree with Armee. If kitty is eating, sleeping and toileting okay, then it's like just moving and getting used to a whole new place to smell and call their own. :hug:
i'm in awe of you with your unpacking. i've been here nearly a year, still don't have things the way they need to be. kudos to you! :applause:
hopefully kitty is just getting used to its new digs. it took my D's a while to feel at home, but she's thriving now. love and hugs :hug:
Armee, thank you for your words of support. I slept hard last night but my dreams and hormones kept it from feeling restful. :hug:
......
Cactus, thank you - my cat hasn't wanted to jump of late and it makes me feel worried. But just like me feeling overwhelmed at how different our new home is, perhaps that sunk in for her too. I appreciate the perspective on the coworker. :hug:
.....
San, thank you - I am not sure my drive to unpack was the best. We did reach a point where some large things we don't really have room for might stay for the duration of our lease. A difficult thing is that in 14ish more months this won't be our home anymore (most likely). I appreciate your support. :hug:
.........
I am exhausted today. A lot of that is related to my menstrual cycle in addition to all that has been going on.
I appreciate the support about my cat. She seems to be a bit more curious this evening and more like herself. I am trying to get her a vet appointment anyways so we can check in on her kidneys, but many vets here aren't accepting new animals. I think I found a place that will accept us but doesn't have appointments for like a month.
I've struggled since last summer once she was diagnosed with kidney disease. I've dreaded her getting worse. So far she hasn't seemed any different overall. Her illness is always in the back of my mind and I have cried more of late for her. She loves me unconditionally and it is going to be hard to not have her when the time comes.
My husband doesn't understand and often makes pet ownership really challenging for me. He doesn't help with her and gets upset when I need time to care for her. Sometimes I wish I didn't have her so that his jealousy or whatever it is would go away. It's also hard to travel as I have to consider her care.
Tomorrow I am going to try to get license plates in my new state. I'm really tired of filling out forms and dealing with bureaucracy. But it just has to get done.
Something I meant to mention -
As much as I miss working with high schoolers, I am enjoying working with preschoolers again.
Today I walked into a preschool class and one of the children I work with said, "she's here!"
The child "made" me food in the toy kitchen and we had a good time today.
I feel like my vocation has been creating space for children to be themselves. I am sad about all the other stuff going on but I hope that what I do helps.
Hi Rainy,
I hope your kitty is ok. I had a cat with kidney problems too and it was very distressing. I had a complete breakdown in the vet when I had to put her down. I think it also brought up stuff for me about caring for things/being in that situation though I'm not 100% sure what.
That was really thoughtful of your collegue. Friendships and trust take time. After your comment on my post about ADHD, spectrum functioning would influence about how you feel about other people and friendships. Hope you find a way that feels safe to you to navigate that.
dolly
Thanks Dolly - I dread the end of my cat's life but that may be a while away. She seems to be acting more like herself. I made a vet appointment which is several weeks away. I am doing my best to navigate other people while also feeling ok with being me.
........
Yesterday my high school friend messaged to say he would be in town later this week. I would like to see him but know it would be too much this week. I declined and he was understanding. That made me feel better but it is still difficult to assert boundaries. I also worry I was too emotional in my response. I realized yesterday that I also dread seeing him because I am worried what it will bring up for me.
Today my husband shared a number of plans he has to visit friends. I am really acknowledging to myself how codependent we are. It seems like our current challenge is facing that. I am worried that as we face our codependency it will lead us apart. But we can't keep doing what we were doing.
I am struggling at work. It is hard for me to see the number of ways children are invalidated, especially those that are neurodiverse. I do what I can and provide space for them but I am saddened.
I am trying to relax, but it feels difficult.
hey, rainy,
relaxing has been one of my biggest challenges. i think it's because there hasn't been much practice doing that - we've had to be on alert too much of our lives, and our brain messages are not used to being without stress and tension. give yourself time, ok?
that codependency thing, yeah. i truly believe people can find a way to be inter-dependent in their relationships. having our own interests while our others have theirs, yet still be connected by a bond of our choosing. breaking the codependent strangle-hold can mean a freedom from, coupled with reliance on the other. i don't doubt you and your H will find a balance that suits you both. teamwork. love and hugs
San, I go up and down with relaxing. I am noticing how much simpler my life was without all of the stuff I took out of boxes. There are things that support my comfort - a bed, a couch, blankets. But many things I own don't help much. They just become things for me to take care of. I hope that now that I am through the bulk of the move, I can calm my nervous system and find relax again.
........
I am feeling weird today. Two successes though - I sent out an email with resources to a student's family and teachers as well as my speech therapist colleagues. I got a lot of positive response to it when I was expecting backlash. The other success is that a student who I feel I failed in a meeting last week gave me a hug today (I think because they felt safe and heard with me).
Before I left for work I was speaking out loud about an awkward experience I had yesterday. I tried to get license plates in my new state...but my old state hasn't processed the title for my car. The lady at the license plate office was confused yesterday as was I. It didn't occur to me to check to make sure that was done as it has been over 6 weeks. But it isn't ready so I can't move forward.
I said this all out loud and my husband felt the need to say, "I'm sure no one remembers that yesterday." He says this to me a lot - I interpret it as gaslighting and I also wasn't asking for anything from him. I said this to him. And then left for work. I'm tired of my husband speaking to me without understanding my anxiety.
Yesterday I was considering how I have tried to caretake him of late (and for most of our relationship). I work so hard to validate his feelings but think I also carry the burden of processing them for him. Of late he has not been in a place to validate me and it really upsets me. But it isn't going to help for me to keep trying to do things for him.
I feel so sad many days about the lack of emotional connection in our relationship. I don't think there has ever really been one and I didn't notice for a long time because that was "normal" to me. It bothers me a lot now. I also think he is so overwhelmed and not dealing with his stuff that it is harder for him to connect even the little bit he was before.
I think we are entering a new phase of our relationship. That's not necessarily a bad thing but it is difficult. And scary. I am curious to see how time apart, following our individual interests, and time shift things. I do believe there is a reason we came together as a couple. I wouldn't be where I am without him. And yet I am tired of him hurting me with his behavior that feels so thoughtless.
Moving brought up a lot and I need time to process.
Many times over you have earned and deserve time to process. Moving is hard. New jobs are hard. Relationships are hard. Adding all three of those together and adding trauma triggers means you've been through a lot in just a few months.
Those two work things sound so positive to me. Sad that we expect bad reactions to good things, though. :(
:yeahthat: from this and other incidents you've mentioned about responses from students, i just wish we had more like you in our school systems. kids know who is and isn't to be trusted quite quickly. you've shown them time and time again they have a true rock to lean on.
i do agree with armee about all you've been going thru in a short time. i don't like that your hub is hurting you mentally and emotionally. i can also relate to the idea of doing more for the other's well-being/processing, etc., than they do for us. been in that space too many times - somehow they've never gotten the message. maybe your hub will learn - i hope so. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Armee & San, I appreciate the reminders of the magnitude of what I've been going through. I felt so ashamed after I wrote my last post. I appreciate your support and care.
........
While I wait for my work computer to boot up (it is so slow), I wanted to reflect a bit this morning.
As I think about my relationship to my husband, I often wonder why I have stayed. Something has kept me in it which is not simply codependency and/or trauma responses. He has been the person where I've felt safe to begin pushing back against the mountain of all the harm my childhood caused.
I don't mean to excuse things he has done that are not ok, yet I also acknowledge that the way I perceive and interpret things can be off. I do need to honor my instincts while also being open to considering from a different perspective. It is with my husband that I began to listen to the parts of myself that said, "Wait, that's messed up" and to try to work through it with him.
This morning I saw how he must feel strongly about me to resist the constant onslaught of his family, especially his mother, to return to his hometown. I know that she regularly tells him he should move back. This is such a mean thing for her to do and I hate her for it. He doesn't always handle things very well and yet he has been responsive to me.
This morning I also acknowledged that a lot of anger I put onto him is anger at myself. I am angry at how much I hate myself because I was taught from a young age to do so. I hate how I have been treated in my life and often because I can't go back and stand up to the people I want to, I turn on myself. This move has stripped away layers of things that we're keeping me stuck.
My work is hard because I am constantly met with people not listening to kids and not honoring what they are saying. I will keep doing what I do as long as I can. I see the impact I am making on adults around me - I think they are scared of me because I hold space for being as we are.
hey, rainy, your last thought brought a smile to my face. i worked with adolescents in an unorthodox way (certainly not in the way the other T's worked w/ them) but got similar results to yours. and, yes, other staff members were intimidated by me, too. i was told by a friend it was because i do the unexpected and others couldn't control me. sounds like you do the unexpected as well, allowing kids their space where other adults attempt to mold those kids into some other kind of space. hang tough - i know how difficult it can be to fly against the current.
i think as you continue to recover and become even more mindful of what's best for you in your relationship, you'll figure out if staying or leaving is the right path for you. sometimes people can do wonderful things for us in the beginning of a relationship, but not so much later on. i think it's good to be able to acknowledge beginnings, but middles count, too. is there perhaps some form of comfort in being in a relationship where someone doesn't treat you well? just thinking out loud. best to you with this. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate the thought of there being comfort in being in a relationship where I am not treated well. There is truth to that and it will give me food for thought. I also appreciate knowing your work was also from a different approach - many kids need that.
........
I am home after work and trying to slow down internally. My favorite part of the day is when I entered a preschool classroom and a student I work with said, "Yay, it's Stephanie!" My name is not Stephanie but it was sweet and perhaps Stephanie is an aspect of my persona.
I've made some positive connections with colleagues at my difficult school. I see the impact of my presence and start to tell myself I could work there another year. I'm not sure if I will listen to my instinct to get out or if I will "keep trying."
This is a trend in my life. I can always see the perspective of why someone else acted the way they did. I can explain away and try to make it work. I've been doing it since I was born.
Today I bought some inline skates and signed up for a run in June. I also have a drawing class starting up in a few weeks. I am hoping to enjoy myself and explore the world differently.
Hi rainydiary :)
I'm so glad I popped in here one more time before bed. What a nice thing to read about you looking forward to enjoying yourself!
What you said about seeing the perspective of others and being able to explain away their actions really resonates.
I'm glad today was a good day!
Thank you Phil - I appreciate you checking in. I feel like a master at seeing why someone else might act the way they do...and even if it is true or "right" it doesn't mean I need to erase myself or my experience in the process.
........
Today has been a good day so far. It does help to go outside and we spent a lot of time outdoors.
I am feeling a lot as I sort out my experience of my marriage and relationship to my husband.
I am also trying to sort out my contribution to our dynamic. I have not always consistently spoken up or shared my experience. I have often just gone along and shoved down my truth. I have tried to shift this and yet can still see how I keep growing.
I am seeing how I most likely need to have some difficult conversations with my husband about my loneliness in our relationship and what I need. It's hard because I don't know how to describe what it is I need.
I am feeling like a real fool for what I have put up with for so long. I am sad my parents taught me to think so low of myself that I found a partner that isn't attuned to me. I am sad because I am in a place of feeling like he won't be able to be the partner I need in the long run because I am tired of trying.
For now, I am trying to do things that I hope will bring me ease. I think I am on the right track. It is just difficult.
Tonight I started reading the book my Melody Beattie Codependent No More.
I haven't really faced my codependency. Acknowledging this to myself has started an EF - I am remembering what it felt like when I really faced that I grew up in an abusive household.
I couldn't face codependency before because I needed healing from the abuse I experienced. That has come a long way and now I am ready for the next step.
I am really sad and hurt and angry. And also I feel like this is necessary.
gentle hugs, rainy! Congrats on good time spent outdoors. Sometimes Nature can really nurture us. I will be curious to see your opinion on that book. I haven't read it, but have seen lots of talk about it. And what you said resonated with me about codependency. I was too for a very long time, enough that it feels weird and uncomfortable sometimes to not be there anymore. Well, mostly.
That takes a lot of courage and openness to look through the lens of codependency. I've not had that courage myself yet.
What you said here really spoke to me:
Quote from: rainydiary on March 27, 2022, 12:50:07 AM
I have often just gone along and shoved down my truth. I have tried to shift this and yet can still see how I keep growing.
I am seeing how I most likely need to have some difficult conversations with my husband about my loneliness in our relationship and what I need. It's hard because I don't know how to describe what it is I need.
I've also often not spoken up because I don't know what I am really asking for or what I deserve or what all is my fault etc. But reading it here from you instead of me it seems really clear that we don't need to know exactly what we need to be able and allowed to share how we feel. Saying "I feel lonely in our marriage" can be enough to start with. You have a right to share how you feel without knowing the answers. You do seem pretty open though so I'm guessing you've already taken that step without results?
Thanks Cactus - I spent more time outside today and it was helpful. I love living by the ocean - I hope I can continue to do that in the future as I love the water. I will share more below about the book.
.....
Thanks Armee - I am trying to step carefully as I wonder if we judge ourselves as "codependent" for things that are normal depending on context. I will reflect more on your question below.
........
I had nightmares last night - my brain is definitely trying to work some stuff out. It was a lot of random scenes where I felt unsafe and unsupported and afraid.
Given the dreams, I decided to not read more of the Codependent No More today. I think I have known I am codependent but for some reason reading the opening of the book was heavy. The book opens with folks sharing their stories and I think their descriptions felt similar to my experiences and it made me sad and hurt and disgusted and in pain. It made it feel more relevant to my life.
CN: mention of religion
Something that is difficult for me in the book is the author references "God" a lot. I have spirituality yet organized religion is difficult for me and thus the mention of "God" brings that up. The history of the author's experience and codependency as a concept is rooted in Twelve Step Programs, specific to those related to alcohol. I am hoping I can be open minded as I read this book.
End CN
I do want to read more and see what I learn.
I am trying to remember that I have communicated a lot with my husband and we still often are misattuned. I think what I hope to learn is ways I am trying to hold control. I am realizing how hard I work to keep from feeling more hurt. I also am doing a lot of emotional and physical caretaking of him that I would like to adjust because I am exhausted.
I would also say these tendencies come up in my work too. But I am feeling it the most in my personal life and that is where a lot of the work will be. I feel a lot of anger toward myself and my husband. I am not sure how to express this to him right now and need some processing time.
I have a week of work and then we will have a break which will be much needed.
hey, rainy,
when i realized lately how much humiliation and abuse i was subjected to with my FL, i felt stupid and like a fool. i'm convinced now that we are not the fools in these relationships, but kind, warm, open people who others have taken advantage of. they deserve the anger about this, not us. we weren't taught to have clear boundaries, how to enforce them, or that we were worth having them in the first place. that's not on us.
i've been acquainted with M. Beattie's work, and the 12 steps, and they do use the title 'God' a lot. however, they also state it as 'God as we understand him'. i know it can be triggering from a religious point, and that's why i think a lot of 12-steppers use the term 'higher power' instead of God. it's truly a personal thing, not taken from any certain religion. it can be difficult to get past, tho, for sure.
best to you as you continue along this path. i have no doubt you'll find your way. the whole co-dependency thing can be a rough road to travel. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Thank you, San. I appreciate the perspective on the Twelve Step mindset and the reminder of my goodness.
........
Another night of intense dreams that involved my FOO and seeking, seeking, seeking comfort and love. It leaves me feeling off and deeply sad.
This morning I am sitting with the thought that all along I have done the best I can. I am inherently good or the many children that reach out to hold my hand or say "you're really nice" wouldn't do so.
I have made a lot of mistakes and done things I wish I hadn't as I have tried to carry the burden of other people hurting me. I've been trying so hard to prove myself and have erased and reconfigured myself many times. None of this works.
And I'm tired of doing that. It's a hard thing to stop though because I don't always have a good sense when I am falling into those things.
good morning rainydiary :)
Quote from: rainydiary on March 28, 2022, 01:00:58 PM
This morning I am sitting with the thought that all along I have done the best I can. I am inherently good or the many children that reach out to hold my hand or say "you're really nice" wouldn't do so.
I just want to cheer you on rainydiary... there isn't a question in my mind at all how inherently good you are. Thank you for sharing so much of it here.
I hope you have a wonderful day!!
:yeahthat:
Exactly, Rainy and Phil. Kids know.
You are good and enough.
I don't really care for the codependency framework because it feels like blaming the very people who have been abused and blamed, and the essence...their kindness...has been manipulated, taken advantage of in these relationships. And then that very kindness is turned into a disorder of sorts by the codependency framework. I haven't given any of it a fair read though because I am just not ready for it so I am speaking in a very uneducated uninformed way here.
:hug:
I agree, kids just know. I also resonate with your difficulty with the term. I am Pagan/Buddhist and have a ton of difficulty when someone says God, regardless of how they meant it. But all we can do is try to keep an open mind and sense the content of the writing rather than the decorations on it, if that makes sense.
Phil, Armee, Cactus - thank you for your words. I will share more below.
.........
Today a thing that happened which will keep me going even though I don't want to go back to work: a preschool student approached me in their class. They were tearful and said, "I miss my mom."
I did my best to hold space for their feelings and to validate. I think I labeled their internal experience too much because I was caught off guard that they felt comfortable enough to approach me.
But I feel grateful to know more than I did before to let that student feel their feelings. Especially when my experience with my family is to not cry because I miss them but because they hurt me.
I am upset today after work because I was asked to take on a responsibility that I worry will take me away from opportunities to work with students. I am so tired of the systems I work in.
The reason I was asked is because someone had an emergency and needs to be away from work. And they don't have enough people with my level of experience that can do this. But it still pisses me off because it takes me away from what I care about and I haven't been there long enough to know how much I can say no to. Also I am pissed because I am trying to advocate for myself and feel like I failed.
I read another chapter of the Codependent No More book and it also pissed me off. Armee helped me consider also what is getting under my skin in reading this book: it is too focused on behavior. To me behavior doesn't always explain or honor internal processes. It also feels to me that when "behavior" is discussed in this way, it makes it sound like a person is intentionally choosing things.
As I read, I tried to remember that this book was written before trauma and the brain were discussed and understood in the way they are now. To me, a lot of what is being labeled as codependency sounds like trauma responses.
I am trying to get to the part of the book that may offer suggestions about working with all this. But it is unpleasant to read for me so far. I also feel annoyed how the author keeps saying, "I'm no expert, but..."
I am so tired on so many levels. The past few days I have communicated some boundaries with my husband and people at work. I wonder if my getting into this Codependent No More book is a way to distract myself from my feelings.
hey, rainy,
altho i've been involved in 12-step groups and processes, one place they let me down was exactly what you said - the internal processes. they were, as you said, all about behaviors. when i tried one time, long ago, to bring up inner child awareness, i was told in no uncertain terms by a group member that such a topic was not appropriate for their group.
12-step programs are great for addictions, but as i told my 12-stepper hub, trauma is not an addiction. 'let go and let god' and some of their other sayings just don't work for what we suffer from. i agree with you that much about addiction is trauma-based - trying to escape the pain for at least a little while - but i was frustrated that it just wasn't what their program was about.
if you keep reading, i hope you find something helpful to use that might resolve or smooth some of what you're going thru.
and, i agree with the others - the kids know. you provided another example of how your inner being, your sense of safety and comfort, have made themselves known to the little ones. keep up the good work. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you for this San. I'm sorry to hear about your experience of the inner child not being heard. In my work I come across a lot of focus on observable behavior which bothers me because things seem to me to be so much more complex and I see the complexity. I appreciate the support for me in my work.
........
I feel rather empty today.
I woke up very early as I have started training for another run. This one is not as long as the one I did last year but it is still time and commitment.
I was at my second school today where I only spend one day a week. This day always feels rushed and today I didn't get as much done as I would have liked. A colleague that has been mentoring to me and I talked a lot. I was very open with her and felt heard. But it especially feels risky being open with folks especially at work after what happened in my last job.
I also feel like a hypocrite. I have a lot of ideals and ideas and thoughts that I don't always carry out in real time. For instance, when I hear a colleague say something hurtful I still don't always say or do anything because of a lot of reasons.
Today two young children, around 4 years of age, were incredibly hurtful with words to one another during my group. I didn't handle it well as I was mostly shocked at how nasty such young people were being.
I felt a bit more comfort with my husband today but am still really struggling. I think I imagined marriage being different and I am so disappointed. I think I feel like someone that is healthier emotionally and mentally wouldn't put up with me. I also get upset with myself that I frame this in terms of others and am struggling to answer the question of what it is I really want and need.
I am struggling with how I can help with all the kinds of suffering in the world. I am struggling that my cat seems to be having trouble jumping up and that I can't do anything until her vet appointment soon to see if they have ideas because she otherwise seems fine. I am struggling with some loose ends with my car like the cracked windshield and slow department of motor vehicles in my old state holding things up here.
I am mostly struggling with how much effort I put into each day and how exhausting it is.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 28, 2022, 05:17:32 AM
when i realized lately how much humiliation and abuse i was subjected to with my FL, i felt stupid and like a fool. i'm convinced now that we are not the fools in these relationships, but kind, warm, open people who others have taken advantage of. they deserve the anger about this, not us. we weren't taught to have clear boundaries, how to enforce them, or that we were worth having them in the first place. that's not on us.
Hi Rainy,
I think what San wrote here is bang on - there's a lot of my life that I've felt like that too. When you think about it we were these kids that had to go through a lot of difficult stuff and were left to find our way on our own through all of that. It's an immense amount to ask from children. Even though we are, we really can't be hard on ourselves for having to do that. It's all part of the process and I think we all have/had an ideal version of what we wanted or thought things would be like before trauma knocked on the door and said I'm here, remember me?
Sending you support to take each day as it comes.
dolly
Quote from: rainydiary on March 30, 2022, 03:22:44 AM
I also feel like a hypocrite. I have a lot of ideals and ideas and thoughts that I don't always carry out in real time. For instance, when I hear a colleague say something hurtful I still don't always say or do anything because of a lot of reasons.
I think a lot of people have this issue. We can say we're going to act a certain way and even have that as a goal/ideal, but we don't know how we'll really react unless we're actively in that situation. Especially unpredictable situations, because there's no way to
practice our reaction to make it our default. Hugs, you are not alone in this feeling.
Also, I can totally resonate how lots of "minor" things can add up to a feeling of overwhelm. I hope they get better soon for you.
Dolly, thank you for the reminder and call for gentleness. Thank you for your wishes. :hug:
.......
Cactus, thank you for this perspective. I do notice I "fall short" often when I haven't planned or anticipated something that happens...but also other people aren't completely predictable and can show up a certain way that just throws me off. I try to remember none of us get it right all the time and I wish we had more time and opportunity to be in conversation when we mess up. I also appreciate the understanding of small things adding up.
..........
I'm not sure how I'm feeling.
I noticed today that my husband seems to be in a better mood which does impact me. I don't appreciate how hard I work to figure out how to create all the conditions that I seem to think will help him. I also am not always aware of how much his mood impacts me. I want to be supportive of him so much but he takes and takes and takes and I give and give and give.
I went to a new hair dresser and it was such an odd experience. The hair dresser sent me a message about half an hour before my appointment that I may have misinterpreted. I think she was reminding me of my appointment and letting me know she was behind schedule but I interpreted her message as her not really wanting to keep the appointment and I felt put off. But I decided to go because I had been looking forward to a cut. It ended up being ok and I plan to let her cut my hair again. I just miss my old hair dresser and it is difficult to move on.
This evening my husband has been more present as well as pleasant with me. But I am feeling upset that I continue to do the bulk of housework. I am also upset that he has this photo of his sister and his niece on his work desk. It seriously makes me sick. I don't feel like I can tell him how to decorate his personal space. But it really hurts me that I don't feel as important to him as his sister and his niece (and his mom). And I am tired of pretending to myself that this garbage will change.
I have two more days of work and then a week off. I hope to enjoy myself a bit - I think I will go do some things on my own. There is a ferry near us that goes to a nearby island. The run I will do in June is on that island. I think I will go on the ferry and see what that is like.
I am just exhausted and angry today.
Nothing in particular has happened.
I think all of the change and effort and everything is catching up.
Rainy,
I just want to say that it IS hurtful that your husband has a picture of his mom, sister, and niece on his desk, but not you. You are not wrong to feel hurt and angry and disrespected and unimportant. I would feel the same way.
gentle hugs of support as you navigate through those feelings today rainydiary
Wish there was more I could do. :hug:
Rainy, I just caught up on your diary. Feeling lots of compassion for you in the many things that you are carrying.
Quote from: rainydiary on March 27, 2022, 12:50:07 AM
I am feeling like a real fool for what I have put up with for so long.
Relationships and marriage are so complex. You are not a fool. You are learning and growing and trying to figure things out. There are no easy answers.
Armee, thank you for the validation. I'll share an update below.
.....
Phil, I appreciate your message - it did bring a lot of comfort earlier to me in the day.
.....
Not Alone, thank you. I am really being hard on myself right now. I hope that can shift a bit soon.
..........
I don't know what it was about this day, but I was just exhausted and in a mood.
I managed to make it through work. My drive home was difficult as there was a delay on the highway and I had made dinner plans with my husband so I felt crunched for time.
When I got home and saw the sink full of dishes, I got mad. I know my husband wasn't home much of the day as he was on a business trip. But he could have run the dishwasher this morning. Perhaps I could have too but I am not the only one living here.
Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I say something really general like "I give up" or "I don't want to do this anymore," and based on something my husband said this afternoon, I wonder if he finds that triggering. I'm not sure what language his brother used in the last months of his life. I'm definitely not suicidal and I could be reading into this. I could also be more mindful of this.
I did share some needs and experiences with my husband as we walked to dinner. I expressed general need for help with housework. He told me he has no energy to do that which made me mad - neither do I and no one wants to do housework. He also said we have this conversation a lot and I said that is because I keep expecting that he will help and that right now I feel like his caretaker which I am not. He went off on a tangent of how we should get a cleaner.
The tangent helped me clarify what my issue is. My issue is the dishes. I need him to help me keep up with the dishes and not just put things in the sink. The other stuff isn't as time consuming or constant as the dishes. A cleaner wouldn't be able to help us keep up with dishes.
I also shared with him that I find the picture on his desk hurtful. I've never told him that. I also think I said it in a way where I wasn't telling him what to do or how I feel about his family or that I find the relationship he has to his sister and family really weird. His reaction was what I expected - somehow it's my fault for not giving him a picture of me.
He was tinkering around in his office this evening. I went in just a little while ago to turn off the light and I noticed that he had moved the picture off his desk. Maybe he heard me. Maybe the move isn't intentional, but right now I would like to believe that he listened to me and is trying to be responsive.
Either way, I would like to start saying my truth. I hope he will also say what he needs as I am not perfect and I know I do things that aren't helpful to either of us. But all I can do is get clear on what I actually need and try my best to communicate that....or nothing will change for either of us.
I hope to get better rest tonight. Tomorrow is the last day of work before a break.
Wow! Good job, Rainy! This sounds like excellent communication about how you feel and what you need!!! :cheer:
i'm with armee on this, rainy. well done :thumbup:
i support you with all you're going thru. wishing i could do more. love and hugs :hug:
I agree, good on ya! Sounds like communication is improving, even if in small steps. :hug: My ex and I used to have words about chores, too. The only way we got around it was to agree the person who cooked/bought dinner was not the one who cleaned up. I nearly always cooked, so i agreed to that, LOL
Thanks Armee, I am learning that I think I do communicate better than I think I do.
.....
Thank you San. I appreciate you being here and supporting me as you are.
.....
LOL Cactus - that sounds like a great compromise. I think I have a lot of control issues around housework too - it is somewhat a way I exert control when I am out of control. Thank you for your support.
.........
I am exhausted again today.
I wish I could go home but my work is more difficult to make up if I don't just stay and get it done.
I have a meeting in about half an hour that I would rather not have.
I tried advocating for myself at work after being given additional responsibility that I really wanted to say no to. I did share with my supervisor that I am overwhelmed and still learning the job. Her response hasn't felt supportive to me - her most recent solution was to add another person to the mix which doesn't help and isn't what I need. I feel sick with how this is playing out.
My husband has many trips planned in the coming weeks - mostly for work but some for personal travel. I don't mind and honestly think we need the space to explore our uniqueness. I've had a lot of opportunity to get to know myself which he hasn't. I'm grateful his travel isn't just focused on his family - I realizing that in the past it often was.
But it brings up different worries and activates my anxiety.
I hope the rest of this work day passes smoothly.
Something I also meant to add before I forget:
I have a few colleagues who love to tell me what a great experience they have in their jobs when I am trying to tell them my challenges.
It makes me mad because it is gaslighting. It is weird how difficult it is for us to hold opposing truths - someone can have a good experience while I am not. It also is difficult because it just activates all the times I haven't really been heard when my issues aren't about them.
My work ended ok yesterday although I think I am past the rose colored glasses portion of being new.
I am still exhausted in my work. I feel like working with young people is my vocation and I hope to find a way to do it that doesn't trigger me so much.
I am feeling confused as this day ends.
Last night I had a dream where a person I interpreted to be a man showed me care and kindness and it drew me to them. I wanted more.
Today I felt more connected to my husband than I have in a long time. We had a good day generally and plan to explore an island near us tomorrow. As we preparing for that, I misheard and/or misinterpreted something he said. His response was rude and it hurt me.
What I see in him is a lot of anxiety and insecurity which I don't know if he acknowledges to himself. I know his reaction to me misunderstanding was more about the crappy ways he was treated growing up. I also think he demonstrated awareness that he hurt me.
And yet we didn't talk about it. He didn't try to say "that came out wrong." I don't think we need to go into every single instance all the time...and yet some of my trauma has been the result of small moments adding up over time. There has been so much in our past that I am giving myself a hard time for putting up with.
I also continue to be confused about my friend from high school. He has been in more contact with me since I moved closer and we have similar interests. I am no where near as passionate about the common areas as he is, but I learn a lot from him. And I know that in the past he really respected me. I don't want that to change. I actually think it would help me a lot if I could talk to him about my experiences growing up. But I'm not sure that will come up. I'm also not sure I should ever meet up with him.
I am embarrassed and ashamed to say this, but often when I've been sad in my relationship, I have wondered and hoped that this friend would be the "one that got away."
I realize that a lot of my favorite shows and movies and books have a couple where the guy was really into the girl all along and I imagine that as my story. I think this friend and I both had feelings for each other in high school....but nothing came of it and our lives have taken very different paths. I have had this fantasy for a very long time, even before I was married. I am not sure why I can't shake this person and this wish. But I feel like I need to tread carefully because it feels like I am edging toward hurt.
I am so mad and ashamed at myself for feeling this way. I'm upset because I realize when my husband isn't here, I feel like something is missing. I'm also upset because ultimately no one can tell me how to move forward or what is right for me. I haven't really worked out what it is I want. Also I worry that what I want isn't possible in how humans actually are.
oh, those dreaded twins, embarrass and guilt. i know them well, especially around relationships. i think those are the things that hurt us the most, rather than the actual thoughts or wishes or dreams we have.
rainy, if i may, i think addressing 'every little thing' right now might not be a bad way to ease into a closer communication w/ your H. as you said, it was the pileup of all those little things over the years which led to you 'putting up' with stuff, behaviors, ineffectual communication that you're now upset with yourself about. it's up to you, tho. would it help if you address these 'little thing' so they don't get layered over time? do you think you'd feel better toward yourself if you did? no need to answer me - those questions just popped into my head.
wishing you all the best with this, rainy. i don't have an answer for you either, but know that i appreciate you, your struggles, and your sharing. very courageous to write about something embarrassing. i hope you can begin to accept it all as part of your process. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you for these words and questions, San. I dreaded coming back and seeing any responses to what I wrote because it feels absurd. I appreciate the questions and support you offer.
........
Today was a good day - my husband and I went on a day trip to an island near us. We rode a ferry to get there. I did a run and my husband hiked. I got lost and luckily technology helped me find my way to a spot where my husband could pick me up.
My husband ran into someone from his hometown while hiking. She works at a place that makes cider in town and we went and had a tasting there. During lunch my husband brought up his family and their upcoming visit. I noticed that both him seeing someone he knows and the mention of his family upset me. I articulated this without drama and we were able to talk through it a bit.
I think a struggle is that I have this story I am not a good communicator. I often fawn in relationship to others and perhaps won't say what I think. I think this comes from trying to say what is true for me and not getting anywhere. I think I often have communicated with many people the reality of my situation and met with pain. Keeping it in often isn't great but it is a trick to find someone I trust.
I am pretty worn out from this day trip as well as from my cat waking me up at night. Something isn't right with her and I am acknowledging to myself how I constantly have worry about her. I cannot tell if what is going on is something emotional or if she hurt herself. Whatever is going on isn't an emergency and we have a vet visit next week. I have a difficult time trusting vets especially after last summer. I am also just worried each vet visit will bring terrible news and that I will have to face the end of my time with my cat.
None of what you wrote feels absurd to me, Rainy. Just very human. Relatio ships c an actually be good kind respectful and fulfilling. That isn't a total pipe dream, either. I hope your kitty is ok.
hey, rainy,
glad your trip went well. as much as i have loved traveling, it can be exhausting, for sure. and so sorry about your cat. hope he's ok.
if that story about your communication skills came from outside yourself, or because you became afraid of consequences if you spoke your truth, it can be truly difficult to eliminate those old messages and have faith in yourself that you can do it well. time and practice, right? i've seen your communication skills change on the forum and i've liked getting to know more about you and what you think. thanks for sharing. love and hugs :hug:
Armee, thank you - I am being especially hard on myself right now and it is tough to find a way through.
.....
San, I appreciate the reflection about my communication.
..........
I am not feeling well emotionally right now. I am on a week break from work and as I settle into the rest, a lot is coming up.
My cat is having trouble jumping up onto things like the couch and bed. I'm not sure why but it wakes me up at night when I hear her struggling. I ordered some pet stair/ramps to try to make it more accessible.
When her failed attempt woke me up this morning, I couldn't fall back asleep. I felt and still feel numb and empty.
I can't seem to focus on what it is coming up. It is random and an assortment of a number of past and present concerns.
It continues to hurt to reconsider images I hold of myself. I like a lot of space and time alone. And yet depending on the situation, I struggle with being by myself.
I was punished growing up for wanting to be alone and perhaps that is part of it. I see how much I center other people through relationships and work and when I have chance to show attention to myself I struggle.
I don't understand why I am being so harsh right now toward myself. I feel how I have shifted as a person and yet each shift exposes something else.
Quote from: rainydiary on April 05, 2022, 12:25:29 PM
I don't understand why I am being so harsh right now toward myself. I feel how I have shifted as a person and yet each shift exposes something else.
I relate to this.
I hope you are able to find space to just be and to have some peace. For me, sometimes a novel helps with that.
as witih notalone, i, too, relate to what you're experiencing. this whack-a-mole aspect of trauma recovery can be very wearing. sending love and a hug filled with self-comfort :hug:
Agreeing and also relating. Wishing you love and comfort and rest. HUGS
Hi Rainy,
I'm sorry to hear about your cat and I'm sure she'll enjoy spending time with you via the ramp.
Going back to what San said about bringing up all the little things, it sounds like maybe that's the way through it? To let people know how you're feeling even if it might not have a good result. I don't know if it's comforting, but when I was with my ex I felt like he didn't understand/try hard enough etc. He was definitely avoidant and it activated me, but he also did a lot of little things that were caring. When I look back on it, I missed those because I was so activated but they were there. Have you guys thought about couples' counselling?
Sending you support and you should have the space to do the things that you'd like to do like be alone. That's who you are and people should respect that.
dolly
Thank you all for the responses - my mind is not in a space for individual responses today.
........
I am have this gut feeling something bad is going to happen.
I have these feelings from time to time and the bad that happens is never something I anticipate.
I think I am worried it will be my cat - that I will go to the vet next week and they will share news of a major issue. I am trying to provide her with as much comfort as I can which I have done the whole time of my ownership of her.
My mind also wondered how my grandmother is. My mom doesn't give updates so I don't know how my grandma is but maybe I am having body reactions to her end of life processes.
My husband will be traveling soon and I always worry when he leaves that something will happen.
Oddly I don't ever worry it will be me. I wouldn't necessarily know if something bad happens to me.
I'm not sure why I am feeling this so strongly and it is overwhelming me. I want to cry but crying was so punished when I was growing up that my tears are stuck right now.
I had a good morning - I did some inline skating and it was so fun. I am about to go have a massage.
All I can do is try to care for myself and meet things when they come.
gentle hugs of support. i can relate to having those bad feelings of anticipation, and they're awful. love and care to you, rainy. :hug:
Hi Rainy,
Hope that you're doing better. I wonder if these things are weighing on you so much because they are things outside of your control? Maybe there was a similar time that brought up these feelings when you were growing up, or there was something you had to control or x would happen?
Sending you support,
dolly
:wave: hi rainy
Hi All, I appreciate the check ins. :hug:
........
I'm not fully sure what my feeling was the other day.
I had taken my car to have the windshield repaired. Later they called me to say they couldn't repair it as they didn't have a replacement. I was pretty upset because I had been called by them the day before to show up, my car sat there for several hours before they called me, and my husband and I spent time getting the car there. There is nothing I can do but wait but it was frustrating.
I have been really feeling a lot the past several days. The massage therapist I have started seeing here works differently than my previous therapist. She did some work on my legs and I wonder if it released some things. She also is such a gentle person - my hair was in my eyes and she moved it out of the way. It was such a kind gesture and reminded me that I haven't had many things like that in my life.
This morning I woke up in fear. My thoughts immediately went to my former job. I am still so hurt by what happened. Along my run this morning, I was able to find some words to name some of what I am dealing with - power imbalances.
I saw a seagull pull a crab out of the ocean and plop the crab on its back. The crab was helpless and going to be eaten. I could relate to the crab.
I also encountered a number of dog owners with unleashed dogs (in an urban, public use trail where signs clearly state for dogs to be leashed). Based on a recent interaction with someone where they reflected that they heard fear in my voice when I talked about encountering dogs in this way, I considered if I am afraid of dogs. I have been lunged at and chased by unfamiliar dogs. So yes some dogs scare me.
But as I watched the owners and how they could not see beyond their own experience, I realized I am not afraid of the dogs but of the owners. I am afraid of other people. For so many reasons but mostly for the pain they cause.
It's hard because I know I cause pain too. I think it is human to do so because we are human. And yet I can't seem to find the space and people to work through this with. I want to be a positive influence on the world and yet I feel so stuck in myself.
I dread going back to work tomorrow. There are 65 total days (including weekends) before the end of the school year. I am trying to decide if I want to apply for a different kind of job or ask to go part time at my current job next school year.
:hug: I resonate with a lot of what you said. My bro had to replace a windshield several months ago, and it took a week due to those supply chain issues. Your massage therapist sounds very kind and attentive. Wishing you peace and energy to deal with these things and more.
Thanks Cactus - I've been waiting almost a month for an appointment and I figured that would have been enough time for the windshield. I was wrong. My dilemma now is if I wait to see if they will actually call me like they said they will or if I be more proactive. I'm not sure I have the energy right now to be proactive. My insurance company insists on service being with these folks so I feel a bit stuck.
.......
I am worn down today.
Going back to work was so unpleasant. I feel so foolish for taking this job. It the same stuff I've been dealing with for a decade. I will say I have come a long way and I don't get as upset as I would have before. But I am reaching the point where I feel strong enough to leave these types of jobs behind.
I realized that one of my cat's claws is really overgrown. It's been that way for a while. I feel so terrible as I think it is really bugging her and hasn't "unsheathed" like I thought it would. I ordered some clippers that should be here tomorrow. I also feel terrible because I don't have the spoons to go to a store today and just buy some clippers. I am wondering if this is at least some of why her jumping has changed. I feel so bad now.
I am trying to get to sleep early. I hope I can as now I feel bad about my cat and about myself.
Last night I did end up driving to a pet store to see if I could find some clippers. I couldn't find anything suitable and came home. I don't want to do anything that would make it worse. I felt a bit better for trying.
Something I am noticing is that I am reacting emotionally more like my child self. I hope to take care - this is a tough spot to be in.
I wish I didn't feel so overwhelmed.
It's really loving of you to care so much about your cat and to notice her well being. She is lucky to have you, Rainy. :hug:
I can only imagine how disappointing it is to find same dynamics at this Job and to come to the realization that you'll likely need to leave this type of job.
I don't see you as foolish, though, Rainy. You believe in the work you are doing and it's important. I see you as caring and committed to these kids who need people like you. I see that as why you keep trying to find a place that is not so toxic for you that allows you to continue to serve these kids. Of course you shouldn't have to suffer to do that, and that you are suffering in these work places isn't your fault.
Armee, I appreciate your words and reflections. Thank you :hug:
........
I am sitting at work and am feeling drained. I woke up very early and did a run before work. I hate how my anxiety drives me awake. The worry of missing my alarm and not having time to do what is important to me wakes me.
I have a headache and don't have any ibuprofen that I take to help. At least no one is bothering me and my afternoon should be chill. I plan to leave as soon as I can today.
Tuesdays are relatively chill days for work as I share the day with another speech therapist who is here at this school full time. She is also very controlling and has things running smoothly and I just show up and do my best.
She is generally helpful to me but I am feeling stung by her too. I shared my concerns this morning about the additional duties I've been given. She felt the need to point out and "remind" of why this change has happened.
The reason I've been given additional duties is not for a happy reason - a colleague's husband went into a coma after a procedure and (I found out today) died last week.
I am very sorry for the colleague especially as she had been helpful to me a few weeks ago. I understand why she needs to not be at work. Her experience does not change mine though.
I am upset that we work in such a system that requires people already stretched thin to stretch thinner without additional compensation or support. I am upset that this district does not have enough staff and cannot seem to retain people (and I can see why).
My circumstance also isn't the same as others - I literally just moved here and my job has changed too much too fast. I am also unable to reconcile how people say they want one thing (for me to contribute to the education of students) but actually want something else (for me to do my paperwork and administrative tasks that "prove" I've done my work).
This person I spoke to this morning then felt the need to say a bunch of other stuff about work to me that I didn't ask for (like sometimes we're just working for a paycheck). I think she feels like she needs to give people advice and I didn't communicate that I don't need advice. There is nothing she or anyone else can do that will change how I feel. And now I just feel gaslit and unheard by her.
I do feel like I've been taken advantage of as a new person in a job. And I am upset because at this point it is getting by and I wish it wasn't as I have greater vision. I also had some unsuccessful student interactions this morning which were witnessed by this colleague as she and I share a space. I feel rotten when that happens.
Even though I have a lot of feelings and I am not feeling my best physically, I am hopeful and aware I am finding my way. I am trying to ease up some of the pressure I am putting on myself but that isn't an easy job.
sending a caring hug and love, rainy :hug:
This is appreciated San. :hug:
.........
Today I again woke up incredibly early. I slept soundly from the time I fell asleep until I woke up. I then start a horrible narration of how badly I slept which isn't even necessarily true.
I feel so badly that my cat is probably in pain. I just need to wait until Friday. I keep wanting to do something but I am limited. It would be best for her to wait until someone trained can help.
I recently heard the term "hauntology" on a podcast and have intrigued since. I feel haunted by many things and this has given me an interesting way to think about myself and my experience.
I stopped reading the Codependent No More book. It did not resonate with me and didn't feel good so I stopped. The "tough love" tone in the book made me feel sick. I think I thought codependent means something different or closer to my experience which I'm not sure I believe anymore.
I did a yoga practice this morning which stirred up a lot of emotion. I would rather not go to work, but I will because it feels harder to not go.
kudos to you, rainy, for putting something down that wasn't working for you. i think it's a marker for you that you're listening to yourself more and more, weeding out 'shoulds', and doing what's best for you. nice progress! :thumbup:
i looked up hauntology. interesting. a future never realized. i can see that pertaining to us suffering from c-ptsd. a fascinating perspective. thanks for mentioning this. i know it's going to spin around in my head for a bit, but not in a bad way. just another way to think about the impact of what we've gone thru. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I've gotten better at stopping books that aren't right (no matter what the topic). This one especially was good for me to stops. It was weird as many of the words felt true to me but the context and mode of expression did not. Which is just fine.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about hauntology since I heard about it. I am not sure what to make of it but it has been an interesting framework.
.........
Today was tough. It occurred to me that I am in survival mode. It upsets me how quickly I got to that place in this new job.
Today was too hectic Too many random emails about more things I am expected to somehow do. This work I do is not predictable other than being able to predict that it will be a rough ride in ways I can't predict.
Earlier this week my mind went back to the job I had before this. I am not having as many specific flashbacks but am left with a deep sense of hurt, pain, sadness. I'm not sure how to process it. I reached out to someone from my old job today and am not sure she'll respond to me. I understand if she doesn't and I'm not sure it will helpful if she does. I wish I didn't feel so much about what happened but I do.
Today a student hugged me. The student is one in a specialized class for students with emotional disabilities. I do my best to be understanding of these students as I know what it feels like. It also bends my mind as many children develop mental illness because of things at home - that never really seems to be mentioned or addressed.
The hug made me uncomfortable. I want this student to feel connected and safe and I understand their need for physical connection....and I also think they need to learn about boundaries and consent. In the future I plan to tell this student I prefer to be asked for a hug.
I was surprised that it bothered me as this is not the first student to hug me. Yet this student is in third grade (I think around 8 or 9 years old) and often students that have given me hugs are younger (like 3, 4, 5, 6 years old). I have seen other adults give this student hugs and I think their teacher tends to use touch a lot.
I have changed a lot since the last time working in an elementary school. I have learned a lot about body autonomy and I really feel strongly that I shouldn't touch anyone else unless they give me permission. I also don't want to be touched.
I don't think adults in a school hugging a student sends a good message. I in no way think the people offering those hugs are doing so from a place of malice...but it isn't appropriate. There are ways to make someone feel safe without touching them. I don't think people understand how little things like this teach kids they don't have control over their bodies and how we are teaching them to accept things people in authority do to them.
I hope to sleep soon.
rainy, i really like your approach to asking if a hug is ok. i think it's a good way to set boundaries and be aware of personal space. there are different kinds of touch, too, and i find it interesting that, even tho you've hugged other kids, this kid's hug didn't feel ok to you. maybe some kind of weird vibe there? when i worked w/ adol. girls, sometimes a hug was needed, sometimes a touch on the shoulder did the trick. it wasn't all the time nor with everyone. sounds like you have your work cut out for you there, besides all the extra work being foisted on you. best to you with it all. love and a virtual hug :hug:
San, that particular hug did feel uncomfortable. As I reflect, I'm not sure it was the student. I think it was partially that this student's teacher has been a pain to me about how quickly this student can fly off the handle that maybe I was a little afraid they would become upset or perhaps part of me misinterpreted their movement toward a hug and I initially felt in danger. I think I am also in a defensive place right now and physical contact doesn't feel great. I continue to be surprised by myself.
..........
Today slowed down some although I did have some weird interactions. By Thursday I often just run out of steam.
I have been considering if it would be worth exploring an evaluation for autism. Many of my needs are trauma related. Yet I think many of my sensory and social experiences aren't fully explained by CPTSD.
I did some research and came across a presentation today led by a university in my area about this topic. I watched an intro presentation and there will be another longer presentation next week that I'm not sure I'll attend as it is the same night my drawing class starts and I don't want to overdo it.
My hesitancy in pursuing this is that I am not sure I would be able to trust an evaluator given my experience with my work. I am not sure I could find someone unbiased in a way that would make me feel supported and heard. I'm not sure there are enough providers out there that even evaluate adults in addition to understanding women and autism. I also think I would have to drive several hours to participate and I'm not sure if my insurance would cover the cost.
I think I am seeking a community and feeling of belonging. I've felt that at times and yet I struggle to be part of communities long term. I think I want to understand myself better. I'm not sure I need someone else for that, but this has been in my mind.
I wish I could rest tomorrow. But it will be difficult. Work conversations I don't want to have. An extra trip to do a silly work task I could care less about but will give me an excuse to leave my school early. Then I will need to take my cat to the vet. Usually I grocery shop on Fridays so will need to find time this weekend to do that.
Wow, had an experience this morning I know I will not get over quickly but need to try to get some of the thoughts out of my head.
Earlier this week I was in a meeting for a student that I was told the the topic would be exploring a parent's concerns.
I participated in the meeting the best I could operating from the understanding I have.
During the meeting it came out that the parent thought her child had been pulled for testing yet no one knew who pulled the student.
There was some type of parent advocate on the call and she freaked out at this information.
Through the weird functioning of this building, I heard murmurs of things and the student's teacher reached out to me. I came to the conclusion that this was all a huge misunderstanding. Yet I had a feeling this was going to come back to me.
This morning I was in the meeting with my boss. The meeting was virtual. Suddenly the school principal barges into my office. I said, "I am in a meeting." And she rudely replies, "Well you need to excuse yourself because investigators are here because you didn't share everything on Wednesday at the meeting."
In my brain I am thinking, *. I gather my things and walk with her. I really don't think she needed to escort me but she felt the need to.
She leaves me in an office with these three military police. They ask me a series of questions. I think they knew that this situation was miscommunication and misunderstanding but they had to do their job (I think they were essentially serving as Child Protective Services).
I think I handled the questions well and I did my best.
Right after I called my boss and we talked. I honestly would like to not be at this school anymore at all - the way I was treated today was not ok. The principal and the teachers in this school threw me under the bus to cover their own butts.
I will finish the school year here because it isn't an option to be taken out. My boss has agreed to give me a different assignment next year. I am pretty sure after that I will be quitting.
I am trying to remind myself that I haven't done anything wrong. I am upset at the system here and the way I was treated today by my colleagues.
rainy, from everything you've written about your job, how you deal with the kids, your sense of fairness to all, and your dedication to seeing everyone (child and adult) gets the best of you, i don't see how there could be any fault here on your part. you're scrupulous about rules and mental/physical safety for everyone. i don't blame you for wanting to quit. it's sounded like you've had nothing but problems since you began.
sending love and a gentle hug filled with warmth and caring to you. :hug:
San, thank you for your support. :hug:
........
I am baffled by today.
I honestly don't understand what it is about me that I continue to find myself in these odd situations. It feels like something about me drives people to use me.
The part I can't deal with is the accusation that I wasn't sharing information. This makes no sense of how it got to that point.
I wonder if the bad feeling I had several days ago was sensing this.
I think this experience took me back to my childhood. My parents often accused me of things I hadn't or wouldn't do. I often felt overpowered. That is how I felt today.
I took my cat to the vet and it went relatively well. They said her body is overall healthy and they helped me fix her claw. They also took blood and urine for labs. I hope that won't yield anything. They were really nice and professional and I felt heard and I felt safe having my cat with them.
I hope I can sleep well tonight as I haven't slept well this week.
Wow Rainy. I'm so sorry. That wasn't an OK way to be treated at all. This place sounds like a nightmare. Take good care of yourself this weekend. Lots of rest and gentleness are in order. I'm glad you know this wasn't your fault and you did nothing wrong.
Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that you are able to get some respite over the weekend. You have had so many challenges to deal with recently, and more long-term too, but the situation you talked about with the investigative police sounds really horrible, and I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with that.
I hope you get some support and chance to re-centre and that your day goes ok today. :hug:
Hope :)
Armee & Hope, thank you for the outside perspective and validation that this was bananas.
.........
I actually slept rather soundly last night which I am grateful for.
I'm still upset.
What upsets me the most is actually not being asked to speak to the police - I can see they were just doing their job.
I am most upset by the principal. She is the reason things got to this point. She does not behave in a rational way and that feels dangerous to me.
I know I have done nothing wrong and yet how am I supposed to function if I do my work as expected and someone in power and "leadership" chooses to use the system against me?
I left a message with the union I joined. I haven't heard back. I don't have confidence that they will help but I want to try to stand up for myself.
I am upset and I am also ok. I wish I didn't have to be the "big one" and continue to show up to a place where I will continue to be disrespected in such a violent manner. I am strong and I am tired of this garbage.
good move, rainy, going to your union rep. even if nothing gets done, you know you took that step, and it counts in the self-care column. i sure wish such office manipulations and politics would just disappear. who needs them? love and hugs, my dear :hug:
hi rainydiary...
Oh that sounds like such a difficult situation you were thrown into. I'm sorry you are in a spot of being blamed, of not being heard or respected.
I am glad you are doing ok though, slept well and recognize that none of this is your fault, that's pretty big, so congrats!!
I hope you have some peace and joy this easter weekend :) .. now that is what you deserve :) :hug:
San, thank you and yes - no one needs this garbage.
.....
Phil, I appreciate your support. I yo-yo between ok and feeling not ok. It will be one step at a time.
........
I am still deep in my EF about this.
It's weird because this EF feels different than other ones. I know I am echoing back to the past. I think what's different is I am fully in the past and not fully now.
My thoughts get wild - I am afraid of this making me look bad professionally. It's hard to not expect more problems because I didn't see this coming.
I also spoke words I wish I hadn't to a colleague that was being really kind. I said really inappropriate things to her - my words couldn't capture my thoughts and I feel like I was offensive. I will probably apologize to her on Monday.
I hope I will be able to let myself relax a bit the rest of this weekend.
Thinking of those today that a holiday weekend is difficult for.
I am feeling deeply exhausted today.
I told my mom about what happened at work and she freaked out.
It made it worse for me. Things like what happened at work on Friday are brutal for someone with CPTSD - that's the kind of thing my brain is always afraid will happen.
I'm trying to find a way to move forward instead of leaving myself at the mercy of how I feel.
I am reflecting on how much I still don't like myself deep down. Things like this press against this and the horrible inner critic lays into me.
I have 58 days (including weekends and days off) until this school year is over. I think I will try to focus each of those 58 days on a way to show myself love.
I sort of started today. I listened to music that I haven't listened to in a long time. I listened to the Pure Country soundtrack. Pure Country is a movie that came out in 1992 and I remember watching it a lot growing up and in college.
I don't want to spoil the plot too much, but there is a scene in the movie where the main character gets so fed up with their life they tell their friend they are going for a walk and they leave. They go to a place and take care of themself and find their way forward.
That scene has always deeply resonated with me, even when I was a child. One day I hope to explore more of why it has always spoken to me. For today, it felt caring to listen to music that brought me comfort and memories.
hey, rainy,
i lovelovelove your idea of 58 days of doing a self-care thing for you. you so deserve it. it's given me the idea of being more mindful of self-care for me, make sure i do something caring every day, even if it's little. thanks for sharing that. hopefully, it will also help you get thru till the end of the school year. love and hugs :hug:
I'm sorry that telling your mom did not help or provide validation or care. You deserve to have someone provide care but I love that you are stepping up to give that to yourself.
Thanks San, I am realizing it is going to be challenging to show myself care especially today. I think I did show myself care and my body and brain are reacting to it. I'll share more below.
......
Thank you Armee - I was about to say I'm not sure what possessed me to share with my mother...and yet that is what I am supposed to be able to do. As I learn more about my parents I know their reaction comes from a place of anxiety. But it sucks to have to feel like I need to manage their feelings in addition to my own.
..........
I feel so humiliated.
Today my self care was telling my supervisor that I do not feel safe at work. She was actually responsive to me and said that she takes comments like seriously. I didn't want to tell her that because I told my bosses in my last job I didn't feel safe and they didn't do anything except make it worse.
My supervisor called the principal at the school to get understanding of what happened. It was a huge misunderstanding but no one at the school initiated the call for CPS - it was an advocate that didn't have all of the information.
I still feel humiliated that someone felt worried enough to suggest I would have been doing something inappropriate. I guess that during our meeting they were referencing something happening on Fridays and I was supposed to infer that they meant my work. I don't remember them saying anything about Fridays but maybe I wasn't listening closely.
My supervisor did say that the investigators didn't feel the investigation was warranted. She also tried to get me to show some grace to the principal.
Yet, why did the principal not approach me and share this information? Why did she not make me feel like she had my back? She still does stuff that is problematic and leaves me feeling unsafe.
But since the complaint didn't initiate from her, I feel somewhat better. I still don't want to be at that school anymore but can make it to June.
My body and brain are really overreacting to me speaking up for myself. I feel ashamed because I learned information that makes me realize how easy it is to be misunderstood and how I may not come across the way I hope. And yet, we are all grown ups and should be able to find a way to communicate with each other. I don't think we should tell children to "use their words" (which no one should say anyways) and communicate with each other when we don't even do that.
Today my self care was completing my training run, trying to connect with others at work, doing laundry, and caring for my cat.
It is such a difficult thing that I do many things to care for myself yet also still deeply dislike myself too.
Work is still unsettling. Right I need the paycheck so will stick it out.
I'm not sure why my cat has changed or that I perceive a change. I think her claw was bothering her, she is getting older, and I think moving was tough. Her labs came back with nothing major to report which is good.
My husband continues to both surprise me and annoy me. The annoying parts continue to be related to housework as well as how he is managing burnout at his job.
At first I felt really critical of his handling of needing a break from his job. I think he should just quit. When he acts and says petty things about how this'll show the boss he doesn't like, it just feels like echoes of his family which I hate. This should be about him and not about his boss or some weird "getting even" scheme.
When I thought on it more, I realized he is using benefits - taking a leave of absence, etc. I realized that our country (the US) really isn't great at supporting anyone so taking advantage of things employers offer is our often our main option in the US. These options still aren't great as I'm sure he won't get paid. He also is trying to do what is best for us collectively as a couple.
He surprised me recently by telling me he stopped managing this server for his parents where they were storing photos and things electronically.
He has always done a lot of things with technology for his family - he used to for me as well. It wasn't because I asked, I think that is just what his family expected so maybe he thought I would expect it too. Over time he has established boundaries with me about that and now he seems to be extending to his parents somewhat. I am glad for him and also trying to not read too much into it.
hi rainydiary
Congratulations on speaking with your supervisor.
I can imagine how difficult it would have been to do that
I sure wish the need of a paycheck didn't cause you (or us!) to be in spots that aren't always great for our healing.
I think it's pretty impressive how you notice these things though and look at ways of self care to address them.
I hope you have a wonderful day today :hug:
Thank you, Phil. I appreciate your support. I am feeling bad about myself that I am staying because it feels like I am saying it is ok by doing so. I'll do my best today.
.........
I am at work and am having a physical reaction to being here.
I feel like crying. My stomach hurts. My eye hurts. I don't want to speak to anyone.
Today my self care will be going to a drawing class I signed up for. I have anxiety about that experience. I hope it will be fun.
Dear Rainy,
I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing those physical feelings - eye hurting etc. I wish there was some way to give you some relief from that discomfort.
I really hope that your drawing class turns out to be an enjoyable experience. I am sending you a hug of support too :hug:
Hope :)
oh, rainy, i'm so sorry about how humiliating your experience felt. i've noticed, too, how many adults do not know how to communicate well, how little information and clarity is sought thru questions, and how insensitive they can be with their words. and i'm sad for you that you're experiencing all these somatic symptoms at work, too. totally sucks. i hope you can get back on track soon, and just make it thru the day.
by the by, congrats on your self-awareness about your self-care agenda. honestly, reading your posts made me realize i totally forgot i was going to do the same thing! hopefully, i can take this as a reminder and get back with it, cuz i really do think it's a lovely idea. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Hi Rainy, hope you're feeling. I also hope the drawing class was a positive for you. Gentle hugs if you want them.
Thank you Hope, San, and Cactus - I appreciate your kindness and support.
I am at home waiting for the time of my drawing class. Getting myself out of the house to go is going to be difficult as I knew it would be when I signed up. I haven't had any communication from the studio other than my payment confirmation which makes me anxious something will go off. I imagine once I get there and into it all, I will be ok.
After I posted here, I shared my experience with my fellow speech therapists. They were supportive. I still feel lousy but it was helpful to talk to them. My stomach feels better but my eye is still bothering me. It might be allergies or stress. Last night I thought I had gotten hand sanitizer in my eye and I was convinced I was going to wake up blind. I wish my brain didn't work like that.
I think my husband and I are finding a way forward. We worked through a conversation where I shared that I am tired too and it's hard for me to come home and make dinner and do all these things. He responded by making his own dinner which made me feel supported.
I hope that the drawing class happens and is fun. I'll share more about that tomorrow.
The drawing class happened and was a good time. I have 5 more sessions and now that I know what to expect I think my anxiety about it will go down.
I haven't mentioned that the past several nights I've been sleeping with a weighted blanket. It has helped my sleep so much. I wasn't expecting that. I'm not sure what it is but the weight offers me some level of comfort. Even if I wake at night, I feel the weight and fall back asleep without my mind racing.
My stomach hurt when I first arrived at work today. I don't want to be here. My morale and motivation is gone. I am doing the bare minimum. I am trying to figure out what could be next for me.
Today my self care looked like running, connecting with a colleague and pausing after work. In my pause, my husband prepared dinner which was nice.
I'm really happy to hear your husband made dinner and listened to you about that.
hey, rainy - i love my weighted blanket, and experience it much as you described. comforting and a sense of being held safely. so glad yours is helping you, too.
kudos to your hub for making dinner. my self care was walking an extra 3 blocks when i could've just said 'forget it.' i think you're doing wonderfully well with yours. love and hugs :hug:
I'm chiming in to tout the weighted blanket too. It's weird, but it really does feel safe and comforting. Also, it was nice of him to make dinner for you. hope you had a good time running!
hi rainy,
Armee, I think he is listening and I am trying to receive that the best I can.
.....
San, it has surprised me with the blanket as I used to use it while sitting in my lounger and it wasn't as helpful then. I love your self-care walk and hope you are finding ways too.
.....
Cactus, I'm glad I figured the blanket out and that you and others find it so helpful too. It hasn't helped the bags under my eyes - I think a student mentioned my eye bags but I didn't realize that is what they meant. LOL
.....
Hi Larry!
........
Today my self-care came in me walking with my head held high into and out of work.
Today I am also navigating how my experience last week completely drained my drive for my work. Something was lost last week. I am so disappointed in other people and in myself.
I'm trying to figure out what it is I want moving forward. I get caught up in ideas that aren't really me but are me trying to prove myself to others and to feel like I matter.
rainy, i think what you described about trying to figure out how to be so that you matter to others is a big trap many of us have been caught up in. i can trace mine back to childhood. losing oneself in order to please others. just want you to know you're not alone in this. love and hugs :hug:
Totally agree with San on this one, losing oneself. gentle hugs if you want them.
Also, a nice natural way to reduce eyebags temporarily is to take a wet cool teabag and lay on each eye for five minutes. Hope it helps!
San, I appreciate the support and words. It makes sense. I'll reflect more below.
.....
Cactus, thank you for the tip on eye bags. I appreciate your support and understanding of where I am.
.........
Today my self care was being open to trying new things and not getting too caught up in my to-do list. My husband and I went to a donut shop and farmer's market this morning in a neighborhood we like and it was enjoyable.
As I check in with myself about my current job, I am seeing how I lucked into finding something I could do for work. My heart was never really in it and I've never liked it. I like working with students but my actual job is a nightmare and has been from the start. It has been reliving my trauma over and over and over.
I think I followed this path in order to get where I am and learn what I've learned. I know that many people don't like their jobs and that work is flawed. But this particular version of work is no longer working for me. It is no longer worth it to me.
I'm not sure what is next but I hope it will be from a place of intention.
Today I cared for myself by resting and noticing how tight my hips are. I tried to do some yoga for that.
I am pretty unsettled going into the work week and hope this evening can be relaxing.
sending all goodness and worth for the upcoming work week, rainy. hope it goes by quickly with as little drama as possible. love and hugs :hug:
Thanks San, I had a jolt today at work. I appreciate your support.
........
Reflecting on care I give myself each day is feeling difficult.
Today I did yoga before work and connected with a trusted colleague.
Today I received notification that I need to evaluate that student whose meeting led to me being investigated. The evaluation is as part of a team but means that we will have a meeting where the people that created confusion and pain to me will all be gathered.
I am feeling very stuck. I'm not sure how to move forward in a way that feels good.
gentle hugs if you want them, rainy. I'm glad the yoga worked out well for you. Here's hoping that meeting will be as pain-free as possible for you as well.
i'm right with CF. i'm impressed w/ your continuing kindnesses to yourself. love and hugs :hug:
Wishing you clarity for that meeting. It sounds very difficult. I hope everyone there focuses on what the child needs instead of acting in ways that hurt the team.
CF, thank you. I go through these phases where I know yoga helps me but it is hard to fit it in mentally. I appreciate your support.
......
San, thank you for your words. I still feel like I am especially hard on myself so it is helpful to have your perspective.
......
Armee, thank you. I am not seeing a lot of focus on the child and that upsets me. All this testing isn't about the child but rather how his parent views him. Testing won't lead to outcomes. I appreciate your support.
.........
Today my self care was odd. I was running this morning before work. I can't remember exactly what I was thinking but my thoughts weren't kind to myself. I remember thinking "I'm giving myself a hug" and that thought made me feel better.
Work was weird today. A colleague who is usually really interactive was very silent toward me today. It likely had little to do with me but I of course interpret as my fault. I'm also just feeling no motivation or morale.
My husband and I are continuing to navigate our together time. I am finally acknowledging to myself that I truly don't enjoy a lot of things he likes to do in his leisure time. Or least I don't enjoy them the way he does. He typically wants to hike, go camping and go to concerts.
I don't mind these things in moderation. But I don't like them that much. I also don't think he likes them that much either - these are things his parents do in their leisure time. I feel bad that my husband hasn't had the opportunity to explore his own interests.
My parents have no leisure so I don't have great examples of how to use my time which is why I often went along with his stuff. It also isn't two way - I love seeing plays which he won't do with me. So I don't always have to agree to do things I don't like just to make him happy.
Hi Rainydiary,
You are having a lot of contemplative and reflective things going on currently, on top of your workload, and I think it's good that you're being able to see things and think about them. I just wanted to say that, and send you a hug too, if that's ok :hug:
I've found it helpful to read what you write about self-care, as it's made me think about self-care more myself. I really like it that you remembered thinking to yourself 'I'm giving myself a hug' and that it helped, that's something I also do sometimes, and sometimes I physically give myself a hug, and that's so powerful too - it's like it really touches the younger parts within me - I don't know if you also physically hugged yourself, and whether you also find that helpful. I can see that the thought was probably sufficient, as you said you felt better.
Hope :)
Hope, thank you for your reflection. I sometimes physically hug myself and it can be very supportive. Thank you for suggesting it. I have gotten over my resistance to a self hug as it initially seems odd but it is comforting.
.........
I am not doing so well today.
Part of my self-care today was doing a workout and yoga session this morning which I knew would make me feel better even though I really didn't want to. I have my drawing class this evening. I know that once I go it will be fine but the thought of going right now is too much.
Last night I had a dream where someone I interpreted as a college classmate made the following comment to me: "You haven't done much with your life." I am feeling so unsettled that my brain generated that thought.
My husband and I had a weird morning too. He is taking a leave of absence from his job and will have a lot of time off coming up. He is making a ton of plans. He wants to include me but some of the things I do not want to do. I am planning to return to work next school year and need to be thoughtful about how I use my energy.
He also has constantly been bringing up money. His family of origin is deeply messed up with their relationship to money and this is carrying over. He suggested we go to breakfast this coming Saturday but then starts balking at the cost of the food. It makes me not want to go. He opts for cheapness at times that don't make sense to me. It's like we either live or we don't. I'm ok with being thoughtful and intentional in our spending but that isn't what he is doing.
We have been making plans to adjust to working less. When he acts like this about money, it makes me feel like that isn't going to work and I then feel pressure to keep working so that I could at least support myself if needed. But I also don't want to be in the position of supporting him in all these ways while he doesn't contribute to our partnership in ways that nurture it.
When I got to work this morning, I sent him a message about how this morning made me feel. I mentioned that the conversations about money are making things seem joyless. I then suggested that we sit down and talk about how we move forward together. A lot of words and ideas have been thrown out but I am lost in it all.
At times like this I really feel all the ways I have changed. I used to be so defined by what he thought and did and that isn't true anymore. It makes me afraid as I am in a place with him I don't recognize or know how to navigate.
I feel so weird and sad and like I need a long cry.
A long cry would be a good form of self care. A lot of your self care sounds like stuff that is good for you but that makes you do something you don't feel like doing in the moment. Perhaps making time to do nothing would be helpful too. You push yourself pretty hard and I can see why that thought came up in your sleep last night and I wonder if it is really someone else's thought. Sending supportive hugs if that is helpful. Your relationship is in a tricky spot right now but I see you seeing what you need and setting solid requests and boundaries and that is a good healthy thing for you and for a relationship.
I appreciate the perspective Armee. It doesn't really resonate for me yet it is giving me some things to consider.
.....
Work ended up being very difficult - the parent of the student I was investigated for is becoming challenging. She is requesting something from me I don't understand. I don't understand because it feels like she has a larger agenda and is being coached by someone also pushing their own agenda.
I am really feeling the impact of multiple, successive traumas.
I'm not sure what the best way forward is. I contacted my boss and we'll see how tomorrow sorts out.
I'm sorry that work continues to be so stressful.
Sending you support. Take care of yourself.
Sending support and kindness your way rainydiary
I hope your boss is supportive.. I too am sorry that your work is so stressful! :hug:
Hi rainy, :sunny:
Thank you Not Alone, Armee, and Phil for the support about work.
.....
Larry :sunny:
.........
I'm glad it's Friday.
The work situation continues to be weird and stressful. I didn't respond to the parent emailing me on Wednesday as I wanted help from a boss in responding. I didn't hear from my boss and the parent responded more aggressively to me today. I talked to the principal in the building and got her input on responding as I knew that if I didn't say something that the parent would escalate all weekend. I haven't been able to shake all the stress this caused me today but hopefully sleeping will help.
What's hard for me is that this parent is clearly struggling with something. But because she is being so aggressive and because of the laws associated with my work and the fact she has an "advocate" who overstepped so many boundaries, I am struggling to be understanding of her humanity. I wish this situation was going differently. It is making me ill.
I've been struggling with feeling supported by others. I'm noticing that often what makes me feel supported is having my thoughts and feelings and experiences seen, heard, accepted, and the other person/people still wanting to talk to me. Often people offer advice which I often don't want. I think I am getting better at telling people when that is what I want.
I also notice I get into that space of wanting to offer advice to students. It comes from wanting to help a student not feel alone. Yet I have no control over how another person feels and my experience (which leads to advice) isn't universal. It us really difficult to just hold space for someone else's experience.
46 days left of my current school year (that includes weekends - I know folks that only focus on school days but I certainly don't leave work fully behind in my brain on the weekends). It feels far away. This weekend I have a massage and Saturdays have been rather relaxing of late so hopefully that will be the case tomorrow.
may this last 46 days go quickly for you, rainy. so very sorry for what's you're going thru at work. best to you getting thru it all. love and hugs :hug:
Also hoping the last 46 days are as least-stress as possible for you. hugs if you want them!
Thank you San and CF - the days are slowly moving by. It is still quite stressful but I am making it.
..........
Today I took a sick day from work as I am mentally sick. I plan to try to take at least one sick day a week until the end of the school year.
I needed a break from the forum but am finding my way back as some things are unlocking as the death of my grandmother nears.
My mom shared recently that my grandmother has stopped eating and drinking much. Her end is nearing.
I remembered a box of photos my mom had given me a while back. I've been wanting to see a photo of myself and my grandmother together.
I looked the box a bit just now and found one from when I was around 2-3 years old. I cried quite a bit.
My tears are also because as I was looking through photos I don't remember most of what was photographed. I don't know how other people especially those without trauma remember their childhoods, but the photos just made me sad.
I had to stop. Maybe at some point I will have more energy to look through those photos. But for now I have grief to move through.
rainy, i love the idea of you taking a day off each week until the end. i think it's so smart and full of self-care. glad you stopped when you felt it was the right thing to do for you. more self-care. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainy. I'm glad to have this place where taking a break is ok whenever we need it.
I have the same lack of familiarity with photos when I look at them, especially the ones taken in my childhood homes. It was truly unsettling to not recognize photos of these settings.
I'm sorry your grandmother is declining quickly. We're here as you want to process things.
hi rainydiary
I am sorry your grandmother's health is failing and for the grief you are working through.
I can relate to what you said about the photos - I pull them out from time to time.
I can recognize the people but nothing is familiar at all, if that makes sense ... it really does just cause sadness.
I hope the rest of the school year goes quick for you and your self-care days off are beneficial. It sounds like a great idea!
It's very nice to hear from you again.
Thanks San - today taught me I'm not sure I'll be able to take days each week but I will try.
.....
Thank you Armee - I appreciate your support. It's helpful to know I'm not the only one that experiences not remembering in pictures.
.....
Thank you Phil - I appreciate your support too and am glad to know I'm not the only one. I was also upset because I recognized people but not the situations in all cases. It also seemed like I was trying to pass off interest in things and my haircuts were so crazy which was probably my way of trying to feel control.
.........
My grandmother is in her final stages of death. I can set aside family stuff in this time. My mom and her sisters were all able to be by her side and tell her goodbye.
I feel grief because my grandmother made choices to make her life better which helped me. She didn't have the chance or knowledge to heal from her trauma. I don't know if she was sexually assaulted but there was definitely sexual assault in her childhood home. So I carry her trauma too.
Work continues to be difficult. I didn't react as strongly today to the latest twist. The parent of this student is clearly needing to work something out. It sucks to be caught in her storm. I am hoping I learn something from this experience even if it is just that some things aren't worth me giving energy to.
Grandma's like that are really special Rainy. I am sorry you are losing her. I think about mine often and still grieve the loss.
Gentle hugs for you if you want them, Rainy. It's hard to lose someone we truly love. I'm wishing you peace and whatever energy you need to get through this. We're here for you.
rainy, i echo armee and CF about your grandmother. sending love and a hug filled with peace and comfort as you go thru these final days. :hug:
Thank you all. I received word from my mom about 10 minutes ago that my grandmother has died.
I did end up looking through all the photos in the box.
I saw how present this grandmother and her husband my grandfather were in my early life. I think during that time my parents were more supported than they were later.
I am feeling a lot right now about many things but am not sure I have the words right now.
Thinking of you, rainy.
Thinking of you, too. Rainy. The grief may be overwhelming. That's OK. grieve this loss however you need to.
All the best right now rainy.
Hugs, rainy, thinking of you.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for you loss, rainy
Thank you all. I appreciate your support. I hope to be able to engage with others journals again soon but for now am stuck in my own experience.
:grouphug:
.........
It's hard to express how I feel about my grandmother's death. We truly weren't that close. She was hard to know. She made me uncomfortable as I felt like I was annoying to her. She was nosy and rather rude. She did things I didn't like such as throwing trash out the window of a moving vehicle.
And yet she grew up in a horrible home where she and her siblings were abused. She left that home as a teen to finish high school because that was important to her. She joined the military. She made a life with my grandfather. Although things are still difficult for women, it was even more so in her youth and adulthood.
I am grateful that she left home and did her best even if at times she was hurtful. I hope she is at peace now.
Work continues to be a journey. I am proud of myself in that I am finally able to separate out what is mine and what is others. I am upset that I am being dragged into this situation- the parent wrote a 120 page document about their complaints. But I see that has very little to do with me. I haven't done anything wrong other than be a human. I have to speak with our school district's attorney this week regarding this.
Quote from: rainydiary on May 17, 2022, 01:51:33 AM
the parent wrote a 120 page document about their complaints.
What??? :stars: I proud of you for being able to see that this situation has very little to do with you.
thinking of you, rainy, as you go thru your grief, even if conflicting at times. love and hugs :hug:
Not Alone - I don't know what to say about a situation where a person produces a 120 page document listing complaints. :stars:
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San, thank you. :hug:
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Starting my day off upset. I have the meeting with the school district attorney this afternoon.
I am worried I won't have enough energy for my drawing class after. It will depend on what happens at the meeting and what time I am able to leave work. I shared that concern with other people and they don't understand.
I am having trouble with getting the needed paperwork to register my car in my new state. I got caught in this go between with my car dealership and the state motor vehicle agency. I think I am now clear on what needs to be done but am not sure the people responsible for helping resolve are doing their part.
Yesterday I called a clinic to set up a doctor appointment. Just a routine check to set up care. The person I spoke to was really helpful - there weren't any appointments available that met my requests so they told me to call back today.
I ended up speaking to a different person who told me completely different information. They were really unhelpful and I hung up the phone. I was upset because I was told information yesterday that this person was saying was not true. They were not going to help me out and that really upset me.
Hi Rainy,
I really hope that your meeting with the school district attorney goes ok, and I hope that you're able to have some remaining energy to enjoy your drawing class afterwards.
I am sorry that you had such different experiences when phoning the clinic to set up your doctor's appointment - that is not nice. I really hope you can get an appointment for your routine check up - and I hope you get to see a nice person.
Sending you a hug of support, Rainy :hug:
I feel exasperated that the person produced a 120 page document listing complaints - but it makes me think that they must have a lot of issues that they wanted to get off their chest.
Hope :)
I hope the attorney meeting went okay.
Your drawing class is important to you. I hope you were able to go.
I hear your frustration over the doctor appointment and misinformation. ugh.
Hope and Not Alone, thank you. I ended up missing my drawing class but am finding ways to bring drawing into my routines more as that is what I had hoped for from this class. I also found another hospital system in my area that let me make an appointment without all this gatekeeping.
..........
I am not feeling my best today. It's been hard to slow down enough to check in with myself. I am noticing a lot I will try to put into words.
The meeting with the attorney went relatively ok. The meeting was a group meeting. The main issue we discussed started before I was even employed. There is a lot of process I don't understand and it's hard to know how much energy to give this.
During that meeting, I spoke up about how I was investigated which the lawyer hadn't been aware of. The supervisor in this situation got flustered that I said this and she stated that her knowledge is the complaint originated because of my body language.
I am really feeling conflicted and hurt over that. My whole life I've been criticized for how I come across. I don't seem to grasp the performance correctly. It bugs me because people can be good at faking or presenting or masking all kinds of things and it doesn't mean things are as they seem. It hurts to be a person other people not only misunderstand but also bully, harm, use.
I am feeling hurt and confused because as I think over a lot of my life, I see how I've often had a strong female friend or person I was close to that played a variety of roles but mostly was my guide through navigating stuff. Yet these people weren't always doing things in my best interest.
I am exhausted today deep deep deep down. I see growth in myself and yet also a deep need for love for things I can't quite explain or grasp yet.
I feel sad for what you are experiencing internally. :hug:
A thought about your meeting, the issue started before you were employed is a contradiction to the supervisor saying it started because of a complaint about your body language. Also, if someone read your body language a certain way, that might be something to address, but the whatever the complaint, it seems way beyond that. I'm sorry that you were put in this situation.
Hi Rainy,
Sorry that you're going through so much right now - it's a lot to process. One thing sort of jumped out when you mentioned putting "family stuff aside" for the death of your gm. It made me wonder if you are maybe thinking you're being difficult with your family for setting some boundaries dealing with your trauma and the way they treated you. To me, your gm may have had a difficult life but it's not an excuse to treat people a certain way. I wonder too if being around your family and taking this on has affected how you feel about yourself. It's always difficult not to fall into "family stuff" when you're dealing with them.
Also bravo for speaking up about being investigated! "Body language" is such a grey area and open to interpretation. It also sounds like it's second hand coming from a parent who is clearly going through something and looking for someone to blame.
Hope things are better,
dolly
Thank you Dolly and Not Alone, a lot of things are coming up right now for sure. This is all going to take a long time to process.
..........
I am still deeply sad today.
It was about a year ago that my colleagues in my old job cowardly sat me down on the last day of work to tell me all these things that were not their place to tell me.
I am reflecting how far I've come in a year. And yet I am still deeply hurt by what they did. I'm hurt because they weren't honest with me and lied to me and I felt tricked.
I am hurt because I tried to stand up for myself and no one took it seriously. So I left.
And blame myself. That is what I am feeling today. I blame myself. I am sure this has deep roots in how I was raised. I have this story that I make people uncomfortable because I am honest and I sit with my discomfort while also trying to grow. Other people do not seem to like that and they act in hurtful ways as a result.
I am not able to fully connect with myself right now - I am blaming myself but not able to be loving and forgiving. I am stuck in feeling like I should have known better and done more.
my dear rainy, it's so difficult at times to know in your inner self that you did what was the best thing for you in the face of hostile people. from what you've written, i'm sure the blame of their behaviors, actions, and words does not lie with you. it can be rough to stand up for ourselves when we speak our truth and others do not want to accept it in an understanding way.
take your time. i believe you did nothing wrong, you could not have known how they'd react, hurtful people have some very deep-seated issues they're not willing to look at nor be accountable for what they do. standing with you as you eventually get back to loving yourself. they're the ones who should feel the shame and blame. their discomfort is on them, not you. sending love and a hug filled with clarity and peace. :hug:
San, I appreciate your words. They brought a lot of comfort. :hug:
........
Mondays are especially hard these days. My brain is freaked out - "what will it be now?" My body expresses the stress through stomachaches. It is exhausting.
I am looking forward to this weekend. It is a long weekend and my husband and I are going to visit a town we are interested in exploring for long term living.
Even though I am exhausted right now, I feel hope for the future. There has been so much change for me so fast following years of prolonged difficulty. All the work of healing and developing ways of responding versus reacting are paying off.
I am feeling like I'm not able to integrate and think and process right now. I hope that begins to shift soon. I think this upcoming weekend will hold information and help further define what is next.
Quote from: rainydiary on May 22, 2022, 08:07:37 PM
I have this story that I make people uncomfortable because I am honest and I sit with my discomfort while also trying to grow. Other people do not seem to like that and they act in hurtful ways as a result.
I think I have this story too.
I hope your day is going well today. I'm glad you spoke of feeling hope for the future. That's such a precious thing.
Gggaaahhh! My head practically exploded when I read that the complaint originated from your body language!!!!!! How maddening! I'm so sorry. I am often misread because I don't know how to make my body language conform to norms. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this school has such deep rooted problems. This is not you. This is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.
Bach, I appreciate your support and understanding. I feel like I have a superpower but it is so misunderstood by others or frightening or something. I've been having ideas lately of how express this side of myself through art even though I've never identified as an artist. :hug:
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Armee, it is so frustrating especially because kids I work with are misread too so all of this perpetuates harm for them. My dad was really harsh with me growing up about my body language so this is deeply triggering. Pretty sure my dad was also misread for body language so I think his anger at me is because it happens to him too. I am sorry you experience misreading too - ableism is another layer of junk to sort through.
........
I am acknowledging I am in an EF which I didn't pick up on before and just had a really uncomfortable interaction with a colleague.
Yesterday went relatively ok. My husband went on a solo camping trip so I had some time to myself.
I woke up today and just didn't feel great. I am deeply upset. My stomach hurts and I know staying at home would have been a good choice.
And yet I came to work because I have a family meeting scheduled that would be too difficult to reschedule as I am only at this school on Tuesdays and there aren't very many Tuesdays left.
I'm tired of the gaslighting I am experiencing at work. I am tired of being afraid too of the past repeating itself. I am tired of these deeply felt and embedded feelings that I keep encountering.
I am also realizing how annoyed I am at a podcast I listened to this morning that talked about how "family" is an ingredient of longevity. It always makes me feel othered and stressed. My brain thinks, "So I'll die early because "family" is a source of trauma for me?" I think this conversation needs to be shifted from the word family - what they meant (I think) is having connection with people that accept one and go through hard times with one.
I am hopeful for the future because I believe I have a useful perspective and experience and gifts to share with others.
Yet I feel frustrated with myself right now because I don't know how to move forward. I know that I can't continue working in schools forever. And yet I have no idea of how to express what it is I want to express and live in that way.
I am putting too much pressure on myself. I have been carrying the weight of a number of things that are bothering me. I can't seem to find ease right now.
rainy, i think too many times people often have a rose-colored view of family, which is so different from the ones we have grown up knowing. so much emphasis on family of origin as being a refuge, a place where we will be welcome and comforted, where we will know someone will have our back. for those of us whose families were the opposite, that definition just does not ring true.
i can remember the feeling of relief and the absence of anxiety i experienced when i first went away to college, got out from under my parents' roof. and again when i moved out of their home permanently and moved across the country, out of their reach. and i have no doubt as you continue to recover your true self, the answers you are searching for will come to you, and you'll know. love and hugs :hug:
sending a supportive hug your way rainy. :hug:
Quote from: rainydiary on May 24, 2022, 07:11:36 PM
I feel like I have a superpower but it is so misunderstood by others or frightening or something. I've been having ideas lately of how express this side of myself through art even though I've never identified as an artist.
I am really interested in this rainydiary if one day you'd like to share more about your superpower :) Of course, no pressure or rush to do so, I'd rather you found your ease.. and weren't carrying so much first :) I totally 100% believe you and can imagine how it would be so misunderstood. (I feel like I have one too ... but it might look like a weakness to others).
I hope the work week goes fast for you and your long weekend is full of fun :)
:hug:
gentle hugs if you want them. And yeah, they should qualify that statement as "Healthy family". My family is good now, but that's a chosen one, not blood.
San, I appreciate your thoughts. I think the term family of origin helps me distinguish. I am overwhelmed at how stressed I was yesterday by the mention of family. Thank you for the reminder that things will continue to reveal themselves - I am feeling set back right now.
.....
Phil, I will reflect on my superpower sometime. I appreciate the encouragement for that. I think it would be supportive to put it into words. I appreciate your support.
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Thanks Not Alone :hug:
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CF, the hugs are appreciated. I think I was also triggered yesterday as I would like to develop my chosen family more. I had some supports before I moved that I thought were good and they have turned out to not be (or perhaps just not meant to be long term). I've been grieving their loss or what I thought they meant to me. I feel comfort in the idea I can create my own family.
...........
Today was triggering in different ways.
The event in Texas where young people and adults are no longer with us makes me so upset.
We had to have a review of lockdown procedures in my school and the way the principal spoke about the safety of me and colleagues like me was disheartening. I'm sure if I were to complain I would be told "that isn't what she meant." It doesn't change the harm her words caused me and others. It is hard going to work wondering if your school and your life would ever be on the news.
I had several meetings today with parents where I was trying to convey ideas that I'm not sure came across like I hoped. My ICr is really being harsh to me about those. I don't think I should be communicating with families right now but paperwork needs to get done. No one cares about how I am doing as long as the paperwork gets done.
I hope I can get restful sleep tonight. I am really agitated and not in a place of looking forward to our weekend. Hopefully that changes.
the texas situation is disturbing, disheartening, and so frightening. i can't imagine working in a school situation, how much fear and paranoia it must be producing right now. i'm beyond words as to all of what's going on. sending love and a gentle, caring, concerned hug. :hug:
What San said, exactly. hugs to you, dear Rainy.
Thank you San and CF - it is so heartbreaking. I am also heartbroken because our schools are already difficult to be in and this just adds layers of complication no one needs.
.........
I am waiting for a work meeting to start and hoping I have the right meeting link.
Folks have been ignoring my emails a lot the past week and I find it rude and obnoxious.
I didn't get enough sleep last night and have felt a bit behind today.
I am worried that when I get home later I will melt down as that is what happened yesterday.
I am exhausted to my core. I do have a long weekend with Friday and Monday off of work and hope that it helps some.
I am home now and getting ready to go to bed early. I feel like this post might be longer than I mean it to be.
I got home from work and laid on the floor for a while. Work was too much today and I felt hectic all day. When I get home I am constantly in motion because I feel so out of control. I am too much in survival mode these days.
I am looking forward to the area my husband and I will visit this weekend. But I am not looking forward to our lodging. I'm also unhappy to leave my cat.
We will be staying at a cabin at an RV park. I am pretty sure the cabin won't have electricity.
I struggle so much with camping as it is hard for me to self regulate and to have disrupted routines. I also for some reason I don't understand feel incredibly unsafe while camping.
I'm sure I agreed to this plan months ago without really thinking about what I was agreeing to. I am sure I agreed to be pleasing to my husband.
But I am mad at myself and at him. I have expressed that I don't like camping. He knows what kinds of places I like to stay in when away from home because we have talked about it many times. And yet we keep ending up in this place.
Some of this frustration with him is about feeling abandoned by him. He is currently on vacation from work and will be taking a leave of absence from work. This week he went camping on his own.
It was difficult because he was in a remote location and we had limited communication. It really unsettled me - he was in touch when he had signal but it still felt hard.
He also made a medical appointment which I think is about him trying to get documentation to be able to make his leave of absence a medical leave. Something happened at his appointment which he hasn't shared with me. Ultimately some matters are private to each of us. But I feel disconnected from him and like I won't live up to his expectations for this weekend.
He has so many plans for his leave and I just can't handle it right now. I am really annoyed about a trip he is taking in the summer. I'll write about that another time. We both need different things right now and it is hard.
I am trying to stay present with my feelings. In the past I would have started being really passive aggressive this evening. But I am noticing that I am upset and uncomfortable for many reasons some of which have nothing to do with our trip but are coloring how I am feeling. Tomorrow will be the real test. Because I feel unheard so often, I often express my needs and experiences in really unhelpful and unhealthy ways. I hope I can say things in the coming days that are true and help us problem solve.
i hope so too, rainy. i get the whole thing about feeling uncomfortable, perhaps to the point of distress/disturbance (that can happen to me at times) about having your routine upended, especially so in a place you don't want to be. sending love and a hug filled with support for what you're going thru, what you're looking at in the near future. hang tough, ok? hanging right beside you. :hug:
Thank you San. :hug:
.........
The trip ended up being relatively ok. I am realizing how much anxiety and depression and bad feeling I imagine into trips. I don't feel like I am able to be heard in my personal life which has been a lifelong thing.
Today hasn't been so good. My husband and I are currently in the middle of heated emotions and each taking some space. I am also really anxious about the work week ahead which isn't putting me in the best frame of mind.
I just don't feel good about myself right now. I do my best but feel like I always fall short. I want to feel connection and belonging but I don't with other adults.
There are so many difficulties at odds with one another right now. It is also frustrating when I feel like I am getting somewhere and making progress when something or some series of things knocks me down.
I'm not even sure what I'm working toward anymore.
Rainy Diary, my heart goes out to you and the frustration and hurt that you are experiencing. It seems that weight after weight is being placed on your shoulders.
Thank you Not Alone - I appreciate the image of weights and weights.
.........
I am back to work today and have 15 days (including weekends) left. I don't know how people don't count weekends as I am not completely able to turn off my brain about work on weekends.
It is hard to put into words the place I am in today. I'll try.
Over the weekend I saw a lot of children having very public reactions to their circumstances and experiences. I was reminded of how in many ways I continue to respond like a child to adversity. When I thought about it more, I see how much it is because I want to be heard and I still often don't feel heard.
I struggle with the person I want to be and the one I am. I get stuck because I think I want to be things for reasons that are not coming from me. I am also struggling because life has felt so chaotic for the past year.
I am deeply upset with how sneaky and conniving my coworkers in my last job were. I thought I was doing great and they tore me down. I am not sorry for anything I did or didn't do, but I still cannot make sense of how mean they were. And how I am in a job now that is adding to my trauma and where I feel myself giving up on this work.
I have felt of late that my husband and I are better finding our way. The topic of his family really throws everything into chaos which is what happened yesterday.
I'm not even sure it is his family but his way of responding to change and adversity which gets wrapped up with his family. We moved to a new place because he had expressed a desire to live at a lower elevation. Over the weekend he was expressing how much he liked where we lived before.......which is not what he was saying for years. It is hard when he wishes and washes. And yet I think I do it too.
We both didn't have upbringings where our individual self was valued. And now we are trying to make a way forward. We don't have children so have different choices in terms of working and money management. But we fall short of communicating together.
I am feeling less triggered this morning than I have in a while. I am trying to not put the pressure on myself to have it all figured out right now and to be kinder with myself to always have all the answers.
gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy. Glad to hear a few things are going better for you at the moment. People at work can be hard to figure out, I think. It feels like a lot of people don't show their true selves or much of it in a work person, at least in my experience. Hope things get better for you.
:hug:
rainy, i'm so glad your work situation is near its end. it has been distressing to read about it, so i can only imagine how your feelings have been.
also happy to hear about you and your hub doing a bit better. would couples counseling for the communication part be an option? sometimes it's easier to see where the problems lay and how to fix them from a third perspective.
best to you - 2 weeks to go! love and hugs, my dear
CF, thank you. I think some of my feeling is related to working on a military base. I think that is dragging up stuff I didn't realize bothered me so much growing up (unrelated to my family). For instance, having to stop at the gate each morning to scan my temporary badge and knowing that they could pull me over and search my car if they felt like it makes me sick especially since my car registration is in flux and my windshield is cracked. I feel surveilled in a way that feels oppressive.
.....
Bach - :hug:
.....
Thank you San - I appreciate the reflection on counseling. It is possible it would be supportive but I don't see it happening right now. Thank you for your support and kindness about my job.
..........
Tuesdays are a bit less stressful as I am at a different school where I feel more respected generally.
I do have trouble on Tuesdays with my colleague who I was brought on to support. She and I approach our work very differently and I feel so judged by her. It was especially high yesterday. I don't like her approach to working with kids as it isn't student centered and I know she doesn't like mine. She says "nice" words to me but I feel like she doesn't mean them.
This morning when I was walking up to my main school, I felt sick to my stomach. My husband left for a trip this morning and I feel unsettled with him. I feel unsettled in surviving the last days of the school year.
Tomorrow we are supposed to have a meeting for that student whose family and advocate have been so difficult. The meeting is to discuss the results of an evaluation we did. I just don't want to be a part of this, but also the leadership and communication through this situation has been so poor that it puts me on edge. For example, no meeting request has been sent so I don't know for sure if we are meeting and I had to readjust a meeting I had scheduled weeks ago for this.
I've been having some intense dreams about work where I have been standing up to the people from the past. It seems like I am working out a number of things in my sleep. That feels good but doesn't help me not feel like I am being gaslighted in my current job and thrown in to things without support.
hi rainydiary :hug:
I hope the last 13? days go by so quickly for you.
It sounds like such a difficult workplace and I'm sorry it is and has been so unsupportive and unsettling for you.
Best wishes for that meeting tomorrow (not easy!) If there was ever a time to dissociate that might be it. :)
I do hope you find ways to get through with the least trouble possible.
hey, rainy,
i think it would be difficult to find some resolution in dreams about events that are ongoing, like the gaslighting and non-support. i'm glad some things are getting worked out, tho. less than 2 weeks to go! i'll be so happy to see you leave that place. i find it remarkable that you've been able to stay and continue doing your job so well. kudos to you, my dear. :thumbup:
sending love and a hug filled with grounding and settlement. you've got this! :hug:
Phil & San - thank you for the support and encouragement. :hug:
...........
As I was leaving work, I saw a voicemail and it was from the clinic where my husband had his doctor visit recently. I was so freaked out to why they called me. He is out of town and possibly didn't answer their call. But why call me? I assumed it meant something serious and I had some scary thoughts as I was driving home. I decided to call them back even though it felt inappropriate that I was called. I wanted to make sure something wasn't wrong. The person I spoke didn't understand why I was called as it seemed like the nurse just wanted to share recommendations. It was bizarre.
That meeting I was worried about didn't happen today which annoys me because I rescheduled a meeting I had planned weeks ago and I also don't know when or if this dreaded meeting will happen so am not sure how to manage my energy.
I have been wondering why I keep showing up to jobs that are so harmful to me. It feels like some sort of self-punishment. I don't understand why we tear one another down, especially in education. I am reflecting on how I have been able to establish relationships and have positive impact for students in every school I've worked in which I think probably makes people uncomfortable. I am not doing my greatest work right now and I hate feeling judged by others for how I am coming across right now.
I don't remember where I read or saw this, but I recently saw a phrase that said something like most people aren't mean but rather they are afraid. I'm not sure if I agree with that, but it has been helpful for me to consider the ways in which others act from a place of fear. I think I don't buy that phrase because someone can act out of fear and still cause harm which isn't excused by fear.
Last night I re-read some old journal entries I wrote in my personal journal. They broke my heart and were hard to read because they were so intense. I wish I didn't experience so much pain and I honestly feel like I could have written the same things today. I have grown and I also cycle through hurts.
I mostly wish I didn't dislike myself as much as I do at times. It is hard to not be unkind to myself when I am in situations where I am hurt.
oh, rainy, i don't know why it's so, why people are hurtful just cuz they're afraid of something. maybe it's the 'i'll hurt you before you get a chance to hurt me' kind of thinking. whatever it is, most of us here are afraid or nervous or anxious and i see so much kindness and acceptance from them. again, so glad you're getting out of there soon. hang tough, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Rainy I wish I knew what to say. These educational work places seem so toxic and I am hoping that you find a way to be a positive resource for these kids without being in a situation that harms you. It shouldn't be this way.
Dear Rainydiary,
I am so sorry that you are experiencing all that toxicity in your working environment, and I wish there was something that could help in that situation, it really seems like it's tough. I really hope that you get some chance to rest over the weekend, and maybe recuperate some energy. Whatever you're doing, I hope you're ok.
Sending you a gentle hug of support :hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
San, thank you for your support. I listen to a wide range of podcasts about a variety of topics and I am noticing a ton of patterns I haven't ever really put into words. Generally I notice that people misunderstand each other a lot and vary in how they respond to that misunderstanding.
.....
Armee, thank you, I appreciate your support. I often question to what degree this is my perspective...but something is off and it isn't just me. It upsets me a great deal.
.....
Hope, thank you. I am ok enough and appreciate your support. Sunday evenings are tough as I really wish I could not go tomorrow. This weekend was good as I had time to myself to rest.
.....
Not Alone, :hug:
..........
This weekend I did a 10 mile trail run event. After all of the running I did last year, training for this felt like building on that work.
Running takes a toll on me emotionally and physically. I often find myself in an unpleasant and impatient mood with others (and myself). I think that trauma responses pour out of me - I never feel good enough when I do athletic things.
Yet I like being outdoors and starting off my days outdoors. I like moving and working toward a goal. I am proud of myself for training and completing the distance. I signed up for another run that will be in October. I think I do have some things to unpack related to athletics and my body.
I feel unwell at the prospect of this week. I'm just tired of showing up. This is my last full week. I hope to hear what my assignment for next school year will be this week. I feel lost in what my purpose is and what I want moving forward.
I have this story that turning 38 has made me feel "old." I don't think it is my age but rather the past several years of experience in my work, my trauma healing, my marriage.
It hasn't even been 3 years since I acknowledged the abuse in my past. I've come a long way in my healing and yet it is still new too. It has changed how I approach everything.
Right now I am struggling with how I feel like I still respond like a child in many situations. I also see that the way adults might respond isn't always the best. So I feel stuck in what is "right" because people are way more influenced by systems and culture and biases than they realize.
gentle hugs if you want them, rainy.
I've heard somatic therapy can have big effects, and some people end up crying during massages without knowing why, so hearing that running has costs and benefits for you makes total sense. On a positive side, I am extremely impressed! 10 miles.... Wow. Even back when I was physically healthy, I couldn't do a tenth of that.
I hope your last full week is as uneventful as possible so you can get through it a little easier.
CF, thank you for the thought - I hadn't thought of running as a somatic release before. That is a very helpful frame. I appreciate your support.
........
Things on my mind right now:
-So many loose ends with my car regarding titling and a cracked windshield as well as with my job as it winds down
-Comments from my massage therapist about a connective tissue disorder she thinks I have. She is not the first massage therapist to diagnose me with something and it bothers me as they have been off the mark. I'm not sure I want to see her again.
-Realizing some folks have dropped me as a social media friend. It is tough to be a person others need boundaries from.
-An odd dream last night prompted by a vulnerable post I saw from a classmate that I didn't realize had touched my heart as much as it did.
-I am also thinking about another classmate who shared that they decided to stop cancer treatment for their child so that he can enjoy the time he has left.
-ICr acting up after parent meetings today
-A nice conversation I had with a colleague that was connecting and supportive. She has been a positive in my difficult experience.
-Realizing I tend to have the most conflict with educators and admin that have spent all or the majority of their career in the same school and/or district.
-How to be kinder to my body as it ages and changes.
-Emily Dickinson - we share a birthday and I am reading a book about her that I am overall finding boring but does have some interesting insights into her life that I appreciate learning.
I listened to a loving kindness meditation where the guide used the phrase "deepest wellness." That phrase resonated with me as I do hope we all find deepest wellness.
I am at work and am triggered. I'm not sure who to reach out to and I think if I write it out a bit here it will help.
I am at the school where I have relatively fewer problems than my other school. I still feel really judged by colleague that I share a caseload with. She interprets things differently than I do and thinks her way is the only way.
I was reflecting that she is a regular cast member in the drama of my work. She is someone that seems like a friend or support but hurts me in their support. I do appreciate that she has helped me navigate the weirdness of this district - there is a lot of vagueness and passive communication where people expect things they aren't saying.
But I end up feeling like crap when I speak to her. I've tried to communicate less with her but I imagine she will force herself on my notice today. I wish we didn't share a work space. Today will be the last day I am working with students here so hopefully I can get through the day without her face saying a lot about the way I am doing my job.
The thing that triggered me today (really I was already triggered by a parent yesterday that lied to me on Friday and expects me to meet her with her when she blew me off and this just made it bigger) is that I got an email from someone telling me we need to evaluate a student. This I know as I have access to the information that he was due for an evaluation. I have learned that trying to ask clarifying questions and for help doesn't get me anywhere - I just get more vague answers and that it is someone else's responsibility.
Well the evaluation is overdue. We have a meeting next Monday to go over his plan. The email said something like "This is overdue, but we have consent. We are hoping to do it on Monday. Does that work for you?"
I loathe the question "does that work for you?" The answer is no. It never works for me. But I can't say that because that isn't a really question. This email is really saying "this is what we are doing, make it work."
This type of stuff is common in this job and it never stops pissing me off. I understand if people get busy and miss things. But I don't appreciate this type of communication. It also just adds to my current narrative of the bad processes and systems of communication in this job.
Really I think it is just that we are bad at communicating with each other in difficult situations and try to compensate by talking around things. I do this too and this could be an informative opportunity to see how it feels when we aren't direct.
gentle hugs, rainy. You are certainly not alone in experiencing passive-agressive crud in the workplace. I totally hear you about people who ask questions when there aren't actually choices for you to make. One day at a time, and I'm wishing you strength and peace!
Thank you CF - the gentle hugs are supportive so thank you.
..........
Today a student made a card during our session and another student told me they wanted to give me something. I told students today was our last day working together and it was a bit solemn for some of them as we grieved a bit. All of these were such sweet reminders that I do many things well enough.
I struggled with other adults today. I have had the thought recently that I don't often feel like an adult. I certainly don't always act like one. It is just complicated all the stuff we carry as people and how we carry hurt and pain that informs how we show up.
I have lost my way a bit of late. I was reflecting how many difficult things have happened in the past year with work, my cat, moving, my marriage, my FOO.
These things brushed up against my trauma and yet have also been tests of all I have learned. I do need to rest and let things settle.
I'm not able to do that fully yet. I have had so many crappy things happen at the end of school years that a part of me is waiting for something to happen. I have 8 more days.
8 more days is a long time when it's a terrible environment but I hope you have many days like today with meaningful connections with your students. Those connections are way more important than the other crap. I'm sorry you have so much weighing on your mind. That was a really heavy difficult list you wrote out the other day.
Rainy, I hardly ever feel like an adult. I think that's a fairly significant social phenomenon in our strange consumerism-driven society. I actually started working on a documentary film a few years ago about what it means to be an adult, because questions around what makes a person an adult and discussions about not feeling like an adult were cropping up in so many places in my life. I haven't gotten very far with the film yet but I still have aspirations for it especially after the experience of buying and selling a house. That strikes me as a very adult thing to do, and I certainly felt like an adult the first time I visited my new house after the closing, as well as during the glorious time before the actual move that I was able to comfortably let go of many physical possessions that I have long felt compelled to hang on to, but most of the time lately I have felt more clueless and less adult than ever! Do you have any thoughts about what would make you an adult, or would let you feel more like one?
I hope your 8 days go smoothly and we'll, and that your summer break gives you time and space to rest and settle as you need.
A :hug: for you, if you want it :)
That would be an interesting thread to start Bach because I'm pretty sure all of us can relate to that feeling... and I could see a documentary like that being very very popular! Great idea Bach!
Armee, thank you for the support. Today was harder than I expected and I'll reflect below.
.....
Bach, I appreciate your thoughts and experience and creative venture into being "adult." I'll start a different thread elsewhere in the forum to open up that question. The hugs are welcome.
..........
I am really tired this evening.
I had some very rude interactions with people today feeling frustrated with me because we have paperwork due and they were waiting on me. I thought I had more time but I was wrong. Both of the schools I am at handle this paperwork differently.
Because I was upset by the rudeness I experienced, I was a bit more fresh with my language today than I have been. I feel awkward that a person was trying to be nice to me and I cussed in the context of our conversation and I think it was weird.
I also notice two people that act different when they talk to me. They talk to me like they are worried I will cry or be overly emotive. It makes me feel bad. I've had to establish boundaries with both of these people. But I find how they are overly apologetic or weird toward me really triggering.
I don't want to be mean to people. Setting boundaries isn't mean and I don't think I've done anything to these folks that is mean. But their weird deference to me makes me so uncomfortable.
The meeting I've been worried about has been scheduled for Monday. It is scheduled during the school day which is fine with me. I'm trying to not think on it too much other than that I think I should relook at the report I made and be ready to speak to it.
It is just so awkward. This parent has made a huge fuss with her 120 page document and complaints. Her advocate crossed a line with me by reporting me for my body language or whatever her issue was. I don't understand why either of these people think their behavior is necessary to facilitate "getting what they want." It certainly doesn't facilitate collaboration.
I definitely need to get to bed soon and hopefully I will feel refreshed in the morning.
Today was a difficult day at work trying to wrap up loose ends.
I ended up with a big headache as I didn't really care for myself as well as I could have. I am also having my period and there is always one day where I get a really bad headache.
When I got home, I prioritized taking care of myself. I ate some dinner and rested. I showered. I took some ibuprofen and put a balm with essential oils on. I reduced what I was looking at. I felt well enough eventually to watch a show with my husband that we really enjoy.
And now my headache is mostly gone. This is rather a first. I didn't think I would be able to stand the evening with how I felt. In the past my brain would have kept going and my headache would have intensified. I've come a ways.
I still feel tension in my body and am still stressed some of which is environmental and some of which is my body's response in my menstrual cycle. But I am also feeling a better as I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
gentle hugs, rainy. glad your headache abated.
:grouphug:
Sending along lots of strength to get through the next couple days.
:)
CF, thank you. :hug:
.....
Armee, I appreciate this wish.
.....
Hi Larry :)
..........
I had the meeting I'd been worried about today.
It didn't go as badly as I had worried. I'm not sure it went badly at all but I am so exhausted right now my Inner Critic is giving me a hard time about how it went.
The main thing I noticed is that the advocate who caused me all the trouble I've had was not there and there was a new person in that role. That made me feel better that the other person had a consequence.
I still wish we could have cleared the air today. We just acted like nothing happened.
Some old feelings have been coming up especially as a visit from my in-laws approaches. I'm noticing old wounds being triggered and I wasn't catching it as this is becoming more subtle.
I have always hated how my in-laws invite themselves to do things with their kids like they are friends. I realize this bothers me so much because my parents involved themselves in my life when I was a teenager in ways that weren't great. I have memories of my dad taking me football games when I was in high school and I wasn't able to hang out with friends without him looming. How my mom hung out with me and a friend having a sleepover. I've ignored or not thought about these things happening. I'm not sure I've processed them yet but I am aware.
My stomach feels in knots. I am almost done with work for a while. I am upset about my in-laws coming and about a trip later this week. I also misunderstood when my last day of work is so actually have to work until Thursday.
My husband is on a break from work and we have some navigating to do with that. Our enmeshed relationship really comes out in this time. I don't get bored easily and always have things I want to do. They are internal things and not as obvious to others. My husband needs a lot more from others and expects me to fill that gap. I hope he will find his own things.
I woke up incredibly anxious today.
I think that has a lot of sources.
School year endings haven't been great the past few years so part of me is waiting for someone to hurt me.
As things at work wind down and resolve, I have holes that my brain is trying to fill with anxiety.
I have social events coming up I would rather skip.
I just need a break from being around others.
:grouphug:
There's a lot going on right now for you and I wish for you to have time to yourself soon.
:) tomorrow will be a sunny day :)
Thanks Armee and Larry. :hug:
........
Today I am experiencing anxiety that work that is different than yesterday.
I am at my last day at the school that has been so difficult.
There is some paperwork that is overdue and it seems like is a situation that was missed by the people that were here all year.
A coworker that has been in this building the longest has been obsessing over this situation for a while.
Instead of dealing with it herself (which she could have in all the time she spent obsessing over it), she threw it at me and other people and copied bosses on it. Right before sending out an email she had had me list out the classes I had been working with and then used that in her response.
I am over this place. I know the reason this person didn't deal with it is because it is a mess. The bosses assigned someone to do it and I can hear her saying she won't do it.
So now I'm worried I will be asked to do it.
The school is dysfunctional and I hope when you walk away you know it is them and not you.
Armee, yes it is dysfunctional. :fallingbricks:
..........
I made it through the day but am feeling ashamed of losing my cool.
As I worried, I was put in a situation where I felt like I needed to step up and say I would complete the paperwork. I really lost my cool at the person who instigated this. I was also upset because another person was directly asked by a boss to do it and she told me she refused to do it. I pointed out to her that her refusal basically meant it would fall on me.
I offered to do the paperwork and asked for guidance. One of my bosses responded to say that she appreciated my offer but that she would find someone else to do it. She said this was a problem that started before I even began this job and that it wasn't on me to resolve.
I was surprised and grateful that she said that.
I also found out which schools I will be at next year and they seem like they will be relatively ok compared to what I have been enduring.
For now I am trying to wind down so I can get some sleep. I have to attend a silly training tomorrow and turn in my computer then my work obligations will be done for now.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. My husband and I will be going out of town for a concert. I agreed to it when I didn't think I had work that day. Having to do work in the morning changes how I feel about going.
I believe I am in an EF. Last school year my very last day of work was terrible. My body and brain can't believe that I will be ok today.
I will try to do some things this morning and today that help me when I feel this way.
EFs suck, partly because no matter what we tell ourselves logically, it doesn't help or sink in.
The day will be over soon and you've got here to come to to help process. I hope the concert helps your brain come out of the EF even though you'll probably rather rest.
Armee, thank you for the encouragement. I'm not sure if my EF is completely over but I am feeling better.
.........
Well I made it.
I have a feeling I have missed some things in wrapping up my job for the summer. But I think I got the big stuff and the rest will sort out in August.
I made it through the dinner and concert I was worried about. Both were enjoyable even though I was tired and have had a long day.
We are in a city that I would love to live in some day although I don't know that we will. I hope to rest well tonight. I am up much later than usual and I imagine it will be a bit tough to wind down.
I am grateful for the support I receive here and that I am beginning to be more open to support from others in my life. I still want to live with as little interaction as possible and hardly ever leave my house, but I think I am finding my way.
Hey rainy- glad you had an an enjoyable dinner and concert. Hope you get some rest, and safe trip back. Gentle hugs if you want them.
so glad you're done w/ that place, rainy. hoorah! :cheer: love and a hug filled w/ taking all the time you need to settle out. :hug:
Thank you CF and San. I appreciate your support.
.........
I am still easing into my break from work.
The trip out of town went better than I was expecting.
I feel ways I have changed. I still can be reactive but it feels more manageable and I bring more awareness.
I am sharing my ideas more readily instead of just sitting by.
I have walked through some hard things and made it.
I am also filled with deep deep anxiety.
I have been listening to a loving kindness meditation on YouTube and one of the lines says something like, "I wish myself deepest well-being."
I feel that line deep inside.
I think I have generally worked through a lot of big things that have happened to me.
I think I am getting into what is stored deeper. What is stored from genes passed down and isn't even necessarily mine.
And I am scared.
I noticed a bump on my back recently. It doesn't hurt. I have had similar bumps show up from time to time.
My brain wants to say it is nothing. In the past it hasn't been anything, just tissue and something physicians haven't been concerned about.
But it still scares me. I am mostly scared at how my brain needs to invent tragedy just as I am feeling good about myself.
I have made a doctors appointment to establish care with a new doctor (which unfortunately isn't until September). If the bump I am noticing changes for the worst, I will find a different doctor that can see me more urgently.
I signed up for an acupuncture appointment. As I continue on my journey I find I would like to try other things that may be supportive. I'm not sure acupuncture will be my thing but I am curious.
I am trying to face myself and my fears. But it is difficult. Life is so complex.
life is indeed complex, rainy. i love that line about 'deepest well-being'. i felt it inside. profound.
i hope you're patient w/ yourself as you transition from the awfulness of that place. also sorry about your bump - i know how scary the unknown can be. best of everything to you. i admire you for continuing to move forward in spite of anxiety, fear, and the looming unknown. those genetic traumas are very real. love and hugs :hug:
Gentle hugs and congrats on being done with that school Rainy. I agree with San you have been extraordinarily courageous in facing the difficulties and complexities of both your life and the family legacies.
Hear, Hear, I agree as well. Hope the loving kindness meditations help. Also wishing you luck with doctors. I resonate with not wanting to deal with all that. Gentle hugs.
Thank you San, Armee, CF for the support. I appreciate it very much.
..........
I am really feeling a lot today. Generally I am feeling very lost and uncertain what it is I want moving forward.
I tried acupuncture today and it is possible that released a bunch of stuff hence all the feelings.
It is hard for me to know what to write as many things are coming up.
I think I've been avoiding some things that it will be good to begin to face.
My in-laws are coming next week and I think that is also weighing on me. My relationship to my husband feels especially hard right now.
I think sleep and rest is needed. I am surprised at how discombobulated I feel right now.
Gentle hugs, wishing you good rest and energy for their visit to get through it.
Thank you CF - the visit is beginning sooner than I thought (today).
.........
This post is going to be petty and long.
My husband told me his parents are in our area. I didn't realize they were coming today.
As far as I understand, they are going to a city about 2 hours away to see a concert (which I think is on Monday so not sure why they are here now).
The reason I feel like this will be a petty post is that I would like to list out all of the things I believe will happen while they are here. My in-laws are a huge trigger for me and I'm not sure how else to cope with them being here.
In the lead up to this, my husband told me that he "invited" them to visit us this coming week. I don't doubt he believes that is what happened but I don't believe it is that simple. I've watched the games his family plays and know that this was manipulated.
What I expect will happen give or take some:
1. On the way to their concert, they will "surprise" us by stopping in our city (it is on the way)
2. My husband will be expected to pick up his brother, sister, and niece when they arrive next week
3. The family will want to see our apartment and will come at a time when I am either using the bathroom or taking a shower
4. The family will have a very long list of things they want to do that will result in fighting and everyone doing things they don't want to do to please one person
5. The long list of things to do won't actually happen and my husband will be the one planning everything they do
6. The family will buy too much food that they don't eat and will leave it with me and my husband when they leave
7. I will do one thing with them and then make up excuses to avoid spending any more time with them
The more I walk my healing journey, the more I realize I am triggered by them because they remind me of my family in terms of lack of boundaries and inappropriate emotional behavior. My family is different but the same dynamics are present.
It is hard when my in-laws are here because my husband feels so torn. He feels deep and unwavering loyalty to his family in a way that hurts me. I know my husband cares about me but that loyalty was programmed in and his mom especially uses it to come between us. My husband wants all of us to be happy and can't make us all happy at once.
I try really hard to give him space with his parents as it is better for everyone if I stay away. They don't want me around them and yet if I don't force myself to be around them they don't like it either. So nothing I do is correct.
It is also hard for me to watch my MIL especially pretend like she gives a care for anything my FIL wants to do. I'm afraid of being like her and always going along with "the man" because that is the dynamic they have. And a dynamic that my husband and I play into because I often agree to things for the sake of what feels like peace but not myself.
We'll see how the next week goes. This is going to be a long one.
hey, rainy,
personally, i think the word 'petty' does not cover the litany of misery, stress, and tension-producing behaviors you've listed. i don't think they're petty. rather, i find this list distressing for you to have to anticipate the words and actions of these people every time they enter your life space. i can only hope for you that this visit goes quickly and you're able to stay away from them as much as possible, whether they like it or not. your health and well-being deserve to be first priorities. i'm just sorry you have to go thru this again! love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your words and the reflection that it isn't petty. I was reflecting earlier today about times I've tried to talk to others about my experiences with my in-laws. I get a lot of gaslighting- how I should be so kind and give them no reason to complain. What this ignores is that they are not well people and they always have something to complain about. I appreciate your support.
.........
The past few days have been emotional. I was wrong about some things in my list - my in-laws haven't shown up yet but the time is approaching. I would say my husband is feeling it as he has been more emotional the past few days.
We have a lot more time together without the distraction of work. My husband doesn't know what to do with himself. He also has plans that he won't carry out. I am really noticing more and more how anxious he really is.
I am noticing how we trigger one another and how that does and doesn't get handled. Yesterday I said something that upset him and he left. Taking a walk isn't a problem, but him saying "I'm leaving" (which is different than I am taking a walk) hurt. And yet when I am triggered, I say things that hurt.
Something shifted in our relationship in the aftermath of his brother's death. That shift is still taking shape for both of us. He hasn't done the emotional and mental work that I have and some of our dynamics are so stubborn to change.
The dynamic that has been coming up a lot the past few days is that he feels responsible for things that aren't his to feel responsible about (and I do the same). I have been trying to let him know he doesn't have to immediately jump in and that if I need help I will say. There is a show we like to watch where when one of the main characters was a child and his mom had a newborn, she said to him, "Your sister, your responsibility." I feel that expectation was placed on my husband and my establishing boundaries with him is really pressing on him.
I hope that by this time next week the visit is past and we can keep finding our way forward in whatever way that may be (even if apart is best). I am tired of feeling like my relationship depends on his mom's moods and what the family expects.
I highly suspect I scare the living daylights out of them because I am stronger inside. They have often commented on how I was a "rock" during my BIL's death....but because I didn't stop living my life to take care of my parents in law, I am a bad person. I haven't gotten over the poison they put in my husband about me and how he responded. I wish I wasn't still working through that along with all the things I've experienced at work too....but I am. I am trying to accept that.
hey, rainy,
i smiled at one of your last comments, about scaring the daylights out of someone because of your own inner strength. i've had similar observations about myself to the point that i've been told others are intimidated by me cuz they can't control me. sound familiar? people want predictable go-alongs so as not to upset their own boats.
pooh to them! of course you seem bad to them. you are your own person and people like them don't like that. stay your course, rainy, ok? sending love and a hug filled w/ strength boosters. :hug:
:hug:
Sending you supportive hugs as you get through the in law visit and the downtime with your husband. I agree with San, keep holding your ground and boundaries - they are reasonable and protective.
San, thank you for validating that point as it is important. I actually think this explains a lot of other situations I've experienced. It is amazing to have this given how worthless my parents painted me.
......
Armee, thank you, I appreciate the support as it is getting real.
..........
Yesterday I felt so unwell which I know is somewhat because my in-laws were coming. I hate how closed in their presence makes me feel. I was worried I had COVID but a rapid test indicated most likely not (part of me was hoping I could just call in sick for this week).
A lot of upset I've carried inside about my husband came up and we actually had a good conversation. I was surprised that when I told him how hurt I was by the time after his brother died he was more understanding than he would have been in the past. I think that I have held on to an image of him that may not be accurate. He mentioned to me that we can talk more about difficult things.
His parents are now here and he is already jumping through hoops. Something in their AirBnB isn't working right for beds so he took over some of our cots for them. I am annoyed because I don't like letting them borrow our things because they aren't respectful of our things and for me this is just part of the dynamic. A lot of people would offer support when someone is visiting from out of town........but again I can't separate this from their manipulation.
My husband has spent a lot of time making plans for them. I don't understand why he does this as it is their trip. I think their inability to make decisions bugs him. I tried to tell my husband it bothers me when he does this as I can see how hard he works to make everyone happy and it doesn't work. He said he likes doing this - I don't buy that really. I think all the planning is his way of coping with their presence.
I intend to visit a zoo near our home with them tomorrow and that will probably do me in. At least the zoo is close to our home and I could walk home/leave when I need to. I already know this zoo trip will annoy me as the focus will be on my SIL's child. She will have 6 adults, 5 of whom hover and helicopter and contradict each other all doing things for her. I hate that I can't stand being around this child as it isn't her fault, but the dynamics present are so gross to me. It is so gross and I grieve for this child.
I try to see time with them as a performance. That helps me manage all the emotions that come up in their presence.
That's really encouraging that you and H could have such an honest conversation even at a time when the in laws are coming and putting stress and triggers on you both.
I agree, rainy, it sounds like he wants to try improving communication. Of course, I don't know his mind, but you're getting "you do all this work and they don't appreciate it" vibes from him and he says it's fine, maybe he's not ready to see or admit that it bothers him? Just a thought.
Gentle hugs if you want them and I hope the zoo visit passes with as little drama as possible.
Armee, I appreciate your support. It is a cool thing and a reminder I am not always right in my perception.
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CF, I agree he isn't quite ready to say it bothers him. Actually he has said it does in some situations but I don't think he has admitted or accepted how messed up this all this. Admitting your family sucks and accepting it are really hard things to do.
.........
Well I am currently waiting outside their AirBnB. We are ready at the agreed upon time and they are not. I had forgotten about this lack of consideration for other people's time.
It isn't actually about consideration of time but a way of playing games to manipulate each other. It is boiling my blood. I always debate whether to express my frustration to my husband because this is the kind of stuff that gets between us when they are here. I did opt to say I was frustrated and will leave it at that with him.
My parents in law just came out and spoke to me and I think I was nice enough.
I'm glad you see the manipulation for what it is, instead of getting upset with yourself for being bothered by something that strangers might view as small. It's not ok when it is part of a pattern designed to manipulate.
Armee, thank you. I am still in the midst of this and will write more below.
.........
Today started off weird in that I went to a local gym with my husband and someone tried to break my lock in the locker room. They tried to cut it and they damaged it so badly trying to twist or pull it off somehow that I can't use the lock. Thankfully the lock withstood their attempts and my stuff was safe - someone else in the locker room had their stuff stolen. We have met many people in this area that have had things stolen, so it happens and this is just another layer to consider.
The zoo was fun in part yesterday because I saw some animals I hadn't seen previously and some of the ones I have seen were in a different part of their routine.
The zoo was difficult because watching my in-laws is so depressing. I don't even know how to put into words what it was like.
My SIL's child is now 4 years old. The child refuses to walk on her own and insists on my SIL carrying her. And if she doesn't get her way, giant meltdowns to get her way. My parents in law and BIL will stand there while this happening. This kind of stuff happened last year when we were on a different trip so it obviously hasn't changed and it's less and less cool the older the child gets.
A lot of the issue is just the giant lack of boundaries and enmeshment that is currently being guided at the whims of the child. They are planning everything around her. There are more age appropriate ways to involve a child in decision making. Which these folks aren't capable of doing.
It pains me to see this all. I keep my distance. I haven't done anything with them since because they don't make concrete plans and I can't function with the way they do things.
I forgot a dynamic that almost always comes up on these visits in my list the other day. Usually there is something that happens that causes my husband to leave and come home in a huff. This happened tonight.
Like 2 hours ago he told me they were getting dinner. I wasn't expecting him back for a while. Then he comes home about half and hour ago and said he hasn't eaten because they are waiting for the 4 year to decide that it is time for dinner. He was really upset with this and with the way they are all acting.
This is when it gets hard for me. He is almost always triggered by his family and I get overeager and try to do the emotional work of this for him. I also will get so thrilled that maybe "he'll see things my way" which isn't even realistic.
In the past he usually gets guilted back into spending time with them (their trips are always so long - I think they are here until Tuesday). It also depends on the combination of people. When it is just him and his parents this usually doesn't happen. His parents are very crafty at the game they play - they somehow walk out of this bearing no responsibility for their lack of parenting.
It just makes me sick to my stomach. The unhappiness of all these people makes me so sad and I am trying to protect myself from it. It is also hard because if I am deeply honest with myself this all bugs me so much because similar dynamics are present in my own family, just expressed and carried out differently.
I won't really be easy until they leave. So I will do my best the next few days to take care.
hangin' tough right beside you, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
I hear you, rainy. :hug:
I appreciate your support and care San & Blueberry. :hug:
........
I had trouble sleeping last night.
I am noticing that in the presence of my in-laws my Inner Critic as well as Outer Critic really pick up.
I feel so lousy about myself.
Right now I am blaming myself for all these fights and dynamics.
Thoughts like, "I should just keep my mouth shut. My husband fighting with his family is because of me. I'm no better than they are."
Something that was eating at me last night - my husband told me his family planned to take a ferry to a nearby island and also go to a baseball game last night. Immediately I started pointing out how tight of a timeline that would be. That comes from a place of how I would approach using my time, not them.
Something I know but cannot hold onto is that most of what they say is BS and will not happen. They were never going to go to a baseball game. So there isn't any sense in me expending energy on it. But I do because I am so stressed.
Oh rainy, I'm sending :hug: :hug: :hug:
I know you know this somewhere, but those fights and dynamics aren't to do with you. They're all mixed up in your IL's family dynamic. I would get totally stressed with timelines like with the baseball game and then realising afterwards that it wasn't even going to happen. It just sounds so pointless!
I wish I could rid you of that feeling of lousiness. You're not lousy. I guess I'm not either. So writing to you is even helping me ;)
Blueberry, I appreciate your support and comfort. My feelings shifted over the day although we will see as I prepare for bed.
........
My husband did not spend the day with his family. They are going back to their home tomorrow (or are scheduled to). I think I misunderstood how long they were going to be here.
Something that has been eating at me today is that I went for a walk and posted some photos from my walk on social media. My MIL and FIL typically "like" almost everything I post. I honestly hate that they do this but it is the only "relationship" we have really. Today my FIL liked my post, but my MIL didn't. This felt significant as it isn't like her.
All day I have worried about her blaming me for my husband leaving yesterday and not seeing them today. In the past she has made comments to me - once she told me I ruined her Christmas and once at a family party she made she these gestures and faces at me.
This only worries me because they are all going to breakfast tomorrow and I feel like I should go too. I worry she will take a dig at me. Part of me wants her to and wants her to move her nastiness into the open....but I know she wouldn't do it unless we were alone which is never going to happen.
Today was also hard because my husband was clearly upset. He doesn't talk about things the way I do. He seemed like he needed space so I didn't try to bring things up.
Beyond that drama, I have been really upset about my right shoulder. It carries a ton of tension and nothing I do helps. It is making me so mad and frustrated. I think some of the tension is psychological and it is hard to get people to understand that. But also, having so many massage therapists over the years say something like "that shoulder is messed up" have not helped. I have memories of being yanked by this arm by my father as well as at other times and I have wondered if that is part of it. But I wish I wouldn't worry so much about it.
Gentle hugs, rainy. :hug: Sorry you have to deal with all this drama. I'm reading this in the morning, so if you did go to breakfast with them, I hope it's as drama-free as possible. I would also have thought that there's a psychological component to the shoulder pain if that's the one that was hurt back then. It's too bad that it's hard to search for massage therapists who might be trauma-informed or do somatic therapy. Maybe your therapist can recommend someone? fingers crossed for you.
:yeahthat:
i have experience w/ the whole 'i'm going to do this and this and this' and i get ready to deal w/ it or excited about it and it doesn't happen. somehow i would always feel deflated afterward. very sorry you've had to go thru this. here's hoping you can get some kind of normalcy back when they leave. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I have been thinking about you quite a bit during moments in the day, and hoping that you cope ok with whatever comes your way. There are many things that I relate to in what you write about the interactions you experience with your in-laws. I experienced those kind of feelings when interacting with my own family of origin and felt that I needed to protect both myself and my partner from those things - I was able to distance myself, but I realise it's not always possible to necessarily do that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope that you're ok, and I wanted to send you a hug of support and caring :hug:
Hope :)
CF, thank you. I had a massage therapist in my old home that was really trauma informed as she had experienced trauma too - thank you for pointing that out. I may need to switch to a new person at some point. I will share an update below about my in-laws as it is still ongoing.
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San, I appreciate your reflection as it does take a lot of effort for me to plan my energy and these folks always manage to deflate it. I appreciate your support.
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Hope, thank you for checking in. I appreciate your support. It is so unfortunate that this is "normal" for folks - I am drained.
..........
Currently really upset.
I overslept this morning and missed breakfast.
So I agreed to having lunch.
I forgot about the dynamics of the last day they are together.
My in-laws will drag this day out.
My husband has spent the morning with some of them - if it is just his parents, he is lulled back in. This is what they do.
Apparently they are walking to our apartment currently. I do not want them in my home. I never do. My husband and I haven't talked about that though.
They always do this. And I forget until it happens again.
I am so disgusted right now.
:hug: :grouphug: Much strength to you rainy.
Thank you, Blueberry. They are gone (for) now. :hug:
...........
I am having trouble falling asleep as my mind is revealing a lot about the past that I didn't realize I was holding onto.
Today I tried to consider again the message(s) my shoulder is trying to tell me.
At a first a big message came up - I am holding on and it is time to let go. Of what I am not completely sure.
As I try to fall asleep, my brain is considering that question. I am beginning to see all of the things I tried to be or tried to do to make up for being "wrong" in the eyes of my parents. I have held so many roles and tried to be what I am not. I think that may be some of what I can let go.
I have had a few memories that surprised me. One was when I started swim team. My parents were always pushing me into sports and to be outdoors which was against my nature (I think this explains some self-loathing I am experiencing as I am staying in a lot right now). I did mostly like swim team although it eventually became another avenue for my family's abuse dynamics.
I am a bit foggy in my memory, but I think I was progressing and the coach wanted me to join a more challenging practice. These practices were early in the morning. I must not have eaten breakfast before I would go. I used to not like eating when I first woke up. I actually think I have a lot more going on with food than I realized which I will think on later.
Anyways, I wasn't feeling well at these practices and I actually did tell my coach. She was understanding and told me to make sure I ate before I came to practice. Such a common sense thing.
I don't have a lot of positive memories of sharing a problem with an adult so this is a cool thing to remember.
It also unlocked all these memories of preparing my own breakfast at an age that seemed too young. My mom has never been a morning person and I know she was often up late caring for us. My dad left for work early. So we (my siblings and I) were on our own early on to make breakfast. I think that may be some of why it was so hard for me to eat breakfast for so long - I didn't have role models or support for getting the day started off in a good way.
Other things are coming up too, I hope they will rest for a bit so I can fall asleep.
rainy, those messages about being 'wrong' sound like great things to let go. i'm not outdoors-y, either, except for walks in nature, but sports? nah, never been my thing. i also stay in a lot and it feels ok to me. i do hope you can 'let go' of those horrible messages you received. one other thought on your right shoulder - maybe that would be the arm you'd use to protect yourself against a barrage of abuse (metaphorically speaking). i don't know, just a thought.
i say this because both my shoulders are up, tense, and forward and i've been made fun of about this since i was young. in the past few years i've come to think of this stance as a protective one i've embraced, protecting me from criticism. one more trauma wound. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your words about shoulders. I am right handed and think this side "protects" me or has tried to. I think my shoulders are also just the shape and position they are and I am tired of other people commenting on that - our bodies are all different and it isn't necessarily bad. I do think I carry wounds and hope to focus on easing that, not making my body "right."
..........
My posts of late have all been very different.
I am feeling anxious as tomorrow I am going to see if I can finally get license plates for my car.
I have been stuck in bureaucratic mess for 5 months. I am anxious about going because if the the documentation I now have isn't what this state needs, I really don't know what else to do. I have been pushed back and forth between people trying to sort this out and do not want to face "rejection" again tomorrow.
I am trying to remind myself that I shouldn't know how to navigate different state's rules about titling and licensing a car. I haven't done anything wrong.
The past few days I have really felt how much anxiety and at times depression I carry around. It upsets me as I am working so hard to heal and to continue to feel these things so much is upsetting. And also I am not acknowledging that I have had a lot of change the past several months and that is a lot to manage on its own.
Today was a rather enjoyable day - my husband and I visited somewhere new to us and saw a cool waterfall. I am trying to feel relaxed in the day but am not succeeding.
best to you w/ getting those lic. plates, rainy. the rules and regs. from state to state are often different in many registration type things. i had to retake the entire test (written and practical) just so i could be a hairdresser when i moved to a different state. ugh! so with you on this. and very sorry you're still carrying around so much anxiety and depression. it sucks. love and hugs :hug:
Gentle hugs and wishing you the best, rainy. I sympathize with the frustration of figuring out a whole new state's requirements.
Hi Rainy, i hope you have a great day tomorrow, always thinking of you....
You've gone through a lot of difficult change Rainy. It's hard to beat anxiety and depression without having a bit of breathing room. I'll keep my fingers crossed that this summer gives you a bit to get your feet under you.
And yeah I relate to the shoulder tension and being teased or given a hard time. I stopped getting massages or manicures because when I would they'd keep telling me to relax or even hit my arms to get my wrist to relax.
hi rainy :)
I hope you are having a great weekend and that summer break is starting to bring some calmness for you.
I hope you don't mind if I add something to the shoulder tension discussion. (please ignore if not helpful)
My shoulders are always the first sign to me that I'm heading into an EF.
They curl in..and the pain from the tightness likely contributes to my aggravation at the time.
To me I feel like it's a defensive position. I can pretty much pinpoint the time I needed to be in that position and it matches how I end up reacting.
They're like that now tbh... I have to catch it and correct it (slowly getting easier) to stop the EF from happening.
I'm sorry that people have made hurtful comments... like it isn't hard enough on its own :(
Anyway... please ignore if not relevant :)
Sending supportive hugs if you'd like
San, I appreciate your understanding about switching state to state. I realize most folks don't even have to think on this. It always works out but navigating all of this is so exhausting.
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CF, thank you - I appreciate what you share about navigating systems. I understand why these things are in place up to a point. This is making me reflect on how confused people I work with may be in navigating the systems in which I work.
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Armee, I appreciate the reflection that a lot has happened. I am getting to a point where I'm not sure I want to do massages like I have been because I don't need comments about my body. All of our bodies are so different and there is such variation.
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Larry, I appreciate you.
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Phil, thank you for that reflection. I do think this shoulder thing is a message that I haven't figured out yet. I appreciate what you shared, it is helpful.
.........
I was so pleased to have so many messages here when I logged in. I am in a relatively mellow place right now.
I was able to get license plates which is such a relief. My windshield is still cracked and there still isn't a replacement, but hopefully that will resolve soon.
My shoulder continues to bother me. Things I've been noticing: when I am outside and busy I don't notice it. I don't know if it just isn't tense then or my mind is otherwise occupied.
I have also noticed how harsh I can be to my body. I recently had the memory of a swim coach telling me my strokes looked robotic. I think that I have always tried so hard to force my body to do things and have struggled with easeful movement. That may be a contributor to my shoulder.
Even when I do yoga I notice how I really crank my body. For instance, doing a shoulder roll. I don't do it easy, I force my bones and muscles and have this thought of "LET GO, RELAX."
Since noticing this I've tried to be easier on myself. It is tough to change that habit and I didn't even realize I was doing that.
I am also noticing that some of the overwhelm of anxiety and depression is related to our apartment. It is so loud. I feel guilty because we live in a desirable area and are very fortunate for the resources we have. But the apartment and location are so full of competing noises that my nervous system cannot rest fully.
The appliances are noisy, our apartment building is on a busy road where people like to drive their cars fast, and there is a train that goes by regularly. I can also hear dogs barking and kids crying through the walls which distresses me.
I also don't have a space that is just mine that I can go to for quiet. So when I am feeling overwhelmed by the sound, I can't "escape" to my place.
We are hoping to find a house at some point. For now I try to cope with noise cancelling headphones and going into the bedroom which is the quietest room.
Tomorrow we are taking a day trip to a national park so hopefully that is fun.
I'm so glad the license plates finally worked out.
It's hard to feel relaxed and fluid in our bodies when we are still healing.
Enjoy the national park. I love our national parks in the US. They are amazing.
Rainy-congrats on the plates and I hope you find the park relaxing today!
To maybe reassure you about the windshield, it's not just your area. My brother had to replaced a cracked windshield earlier this year and the supply chain problems meant he waited almost 3 weeks for a relatively popular car that's normally easy to find. Hoping yours comes in soon!
gentle hugs
The time with your in-laws sounds like a nightmare, a nightmare not with zombies, but with a bunch of people with personalitiy disorders. Yuck! You did a lot of inner work, trying to understand the dynamics (very complex with in-laws, your husband, you and your FOO). I think you did a great job of making healthy decisions. I do hear how incredibly difficult that time was.
I'm going to PM you about your shoulder.
congrats on getting those plates, rainy. :cheer:
i think your body awareness is HUGE! i find it amazing at times how i do/say things for myself and have done so for years w/o being aware of it. awareness is the first step - can't do anything about anything if we don't know it's there to do something about. keep up the good work, ok? and i'm sorry about the whole apt. mess. hopefully you'll get out of there sooner rather than later. best of luck w/ it. love and hugs :hug:
:wave:
Armee, thank you. It is both cool and frustrating that healing keeps peeling back these layers within me that need attention.
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CF, I appreciate your support. I think some of the issue with my windshield is that my car is a 2022 model. I have been waiting since March (!) for a windshield. Safelite keeps telling me it is back ordered - I think I have to just wait it out but it is frustrating.
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Not Alone, I appreciate your support. Thank you for your words.
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San, thank you. I am still really hard on my body but am trying.
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Larry, :wave:
.........
I am struggling to find words these days. I am noticing I haven't been compulsively learning like I usually do and don't have any current frameworks through which to think about things. I've been trying to give myself a break but in the silence it is just lonely and uncertain.
I am feeling sad about my perceived lack of involvement here in the forum. I've hit a plateau for the time being.
I have been wondering of late if my shoulder is a signal about all of my freeze responses over the years. There is so much I kept down and inside in moments of terror.
I am also struggling with myself in general. I feel like I live "wrong." I don't know why but I haven't felt quite right since my last birthday. I am struggling with the concept of family and of how I want to move forward in my life. I struggle with how it feels like my family (and my in-laws) despises me still.
I am also not wanting to return to work in a month. I am trying to not worry on it but I am.
I keep waiting for everything to be ok. "One day..." I think. I haven't been able to be very present for a while. A lot has happened in the past year. Even though I still am so deeply hurt by what happened in my last job, I realize it is coming up on a whole year since it all went so bad.
rainy, that's a lot of 'wonders' and issues you are dealing with lately. i hope you can be as gentle as possible w/ yourself. as far as writing here, we do so when we are able, no pressure to 'perform' (i'm saying that to myself as i write it!). your healing is at your pace, you know? we're here for you. sending love and a hug filled with comfort. :hug:
Hey rainy-
What san said. Your own pace is the right one to go at. I can see how anniversaries of things bring them back to the top of our mind. Gentle hugs as you work through these various items. We're here for you.
San, I appreciate your support and reminders. Your phrasing of performing is helpful. I have been struggling to sleep the past few nights and I appreciate your words.
.....
CF, thank you. I appreciate the reminder of my own pace - sometimes I wish it was faster but I don't even know what that means. I also at times feel caught off guard at how quickly time can pass even when it feels like I am standing in one spot.
..........
I have been trying to be more consistent about doing yoga asana in the mornings. I have also had comfort in doing tapping/Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and have started doing that again.
I have an app for tapping that I have used off and on in the past. Today I chose a session that was called Releasing Hurt.
I don't know why, but that word "hurt" really caught me.
I have worked hard to be more specific and learn how to describe my feelings. And yet sometimes "simple" feels best.
I am hurt. I am hurt by a number of things and I don't believe I have called it hurt before.
In the tapping session, the guide said something like "work through this hurt at your own speed" which made me feel better and echoes what San and CF encouraged.
I think I feel a lot of pressure to "let go" of the pain and hurt something caused me because it happened a long time ago. And yet the hurts have compounded and repeated and dug very deep in my body and mind and heart.
I feel more easeful today. My shoulder hasn't been as obviously annoying.
My husband and I are going camping the next few days. I am partly looking forward to it and partly not. It is another opportunity to use what I have learned and communicate with my husband. I don't like many things about camping and thus I don't know why I keep agreeing to going. I agree because I know it is something my husband enjoys.
I actually question if he does like it - all his leisure activities that he says he likes are things he did growing up which makes sense as many people learn leisure activities from their families. But I often wonder if he really does like it and I hope that one day he has the chance to consider what he actually does like.
I struggle with camping because I get overwhelmed sensory wise and have trouble sleeping. I am fine with being outside for the day but sleeping outside is difficult. I have been more honest with my husband about how I feel about camping and at this point all I feel like I can do is keep being honest.
hey, rainy, glad to hear your shoulder isn't as bad. i think that's always a good sign.
as far as camping goes, it's not for everyone. i hope you can get somewhat of a good time out of it.
i relate to that word 'hurt'. i'm only beginning to realize how hurt i've been. it's different from pain. and, i totally get that the hurts have been compounded over time. too many layers of it to simply shrug off and let go of. i sincerely hope you're able to work thru those layers at whatever pace feels ok for you. it's a lot to contend with so please be patient w/ yourself. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainydiary,
I know you're due to go camping in the coming days, and I know it's not something you particularly like to do - I really hope that you have a safe journey and that it is reasonably comfortable etc, (as much as camping can be).
:hug:
Hope :)
San, I appreciate your reflection and reminders and encouragement.
.....
Hope, I appreciate your support. The trip went better than I was expecting and I will reflect more below.
........
I am back from the camping trip. It was relatively ok. I have learned to make use of my earplugs and to try to check in with myself.
Although my husband contributes to dynamics in ways that can be tough, I also notice how quickly I jump to focus on him when my "issue" or whatever it is actually has to do with me.
My parents punished leisure time, especially leisure I enjoyed. I don't think they meant to as they don't know how to rest at all. So I think camping brings that out where there is a lot of downtime and I don't have my usual ways of distracting myself and I have to face myself a bit more than I am always ready or able to handle.
I am struggling today because I have a dentist appointment later.
I cannot express how much I loathe going to the dentist.
Some of this loathing is inherited and comes from weird interactions my mom in particular had with me and the dentist. I struggle generally with medical care of any kind because of my mom. I am now seeing how she generally was the one that took me. Most of the times I actually went to the doctor were for things that were visible and not actually a huge problem to me (but they were to her).
So I equate the doctor generally with this hate of my body and self that I was taught.
I also struggle with the dentist because I do have odd teeth. I have an overbite, I still have my wisdom teeth, I have discoloration that I'm pretty sure is from a place I lived growing up, and my bottom teeth are crooked. I hate these things about myself because of how my mom specifically handled my teeth growing up and the conversations I now have to have each time I go to a new dentist.
My teeth are also hard because kids I work with (and kids in general that I interact with) always say something about my teeth.
So I am deeply self conscious but also am not willing to undergo thousands of dollars of procedures for cosmetic things as I do not have issues with the way my system functions.
It is so much to carry. I hope this dentist will just clean my teeth and leave me be.
HUGS Rainy. I hear you, I have similar dental issues, and going to military dentists in my formative years was painful to say the least. I hope the visit goes as quickly and uneventfully as it can for you.
i'm with you on loathing going to the dentist. too many painful experiences. hope your visit is smooth and you get done what you need done and nothing more, and you can get out as soon as you can. also glad you were able to get thru the camping trip as painlessly as possible. much love and hugs for you.
CF, I appreciate your words and am comforted to know I am not the only one.
.....
San, I appreciate your support and your experience as it helps to know others feel this way too.
..........
The dentist was touch and go but overall went by ok. I will be ok to go back to this place as long as they leave me alone about the anatomy of my mouth.
I have a massage soon. I have decided to find a different massage therapist after this appointment. The person I am seeing now does some good things but I cannot move past her making medical diagnosis statements to me that I didn't ask for. That isn't her place and it has filled with worry.
I feel like I am on the verge of something I can't put into words. I continue to feel so disconnected internally at times and it leaves me feeling so weird. Even if nothing is actually wrong, I feel like so much is wrong.
I have been reflecting on how uncomfortable I am around other adults and how I think I project a lot of standoffishness to protect myself. I am also seeing patterns in my life where I am not sure I've ever really had many true friends. I've just played out similar patterns and it is leaving me feeling confused. My patterns are to befriend other trauma survivors where we just trigger the heck out of each other until it falls apart, to have a person older than me that is like a mentor but also a caretaker, or to push away people that make overtures.
I've been feeling especially the lack of two people that were strong supports to me. One was my massage therapist where I used to live - she helped me so much. We had a weird text exchange when I had first moved and I haven't heard from her since.
I am also missing a person that I met at a yoga training I did. She has been supportive to me over the past few years and of late we've grown apart some. I think she is having a difficult time and needed some space.
There just isn't ever a completely comfortable day and that is wearing on me. I don't want to feel so mixed up all the time.
I hear you rainy. Sending good thoughts and hoping for some comfort for you. :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate your support. I am thinking of you on your journey.
...........
I am having trouble falling asleep tonight.
I am reflecting on some things I uncovered yesterday and today.
If I were to observe myself in my interactions with my current massage therapist (and any adult person I feel vulnerable around), I would see how hard I work to always be prepared for anything that might come up. I am immediately on the defense. I carry around every single misstep or perceived misstep and try so hard to anticipate what might happen.
I realized that some of my trouble with this current massage therapist is that she is a person that likes to give advice and recommendations. In general, none of these were things I asked for and it seems to be her nature to offer them. When I don't follow through because they aren't actually helpful to me, I get caught in a dynamic that feels all too familiar and troubling: I am letting my parents down.
I had the thought yesterday how exhausting it was live in the house with my dad especially. What a heavy and lonely thing to carry such deep oppressiveness that others couldn't see or understand.
I saw a post on Facebook today that hasn't left my mind. It included a statement of how children are often disregarded as autonomous beings and how few rights children have which leaves them extremely vulnerable to abuse and violence.
This made me think about me and work. I often feel looked down upon by other adults for the space I am able to create for students. Other adults make me feel like I am doing something wrong by treating children with dignity and not pressing compliance. I make a lot of mistakes too but there are so many things wrong with the way students I know are treated.
I usually spend summers constantly obsessing over how to prepare for the next school year. How to finally get it right so other adults will treat me with respect. It is still my attempts to be loved by my parents in a way that is kind and responsive and supportive which I didn't get.
This summer I have tried and mostly succeeded to think as little about work as possible. I am so tired of all the worry and pain and hurt I carry.
I plan to stop trying so hard at some things (like always being prepared and always anticipating what another adult might want or need) and see what happens.
rainy, i can relate to so much of what you wrote. the planning, the obsessiveness to get something 'right', wanting to be perfect, and all of it leading back to childhood. you have an understanding far beyond your peers of children, and i give you lots of credit for treating them like people. you are doing the right thing, and unless someone you work w/ gets some enlightenment, i doubt they'll change toward you. i had a similar situation, and was known throughout my 4 yrs. of work as the 'flaky' therapist. it never changed, even tho they saw the pos. results w/ the adolescents under my care.
as far as the massage therapist, may i offer a suggestion? i don't like music or speaking while i'm getting a massage, and before i even begin getting ready for it, i tell the m. ther. precisely that. i've had some surprised looks, but each one has shown respect, and eliminated the noise factor for me. they are there to serve you in the best way possible, not the other way around. they're not the boss of you like your parents were. if this doesn't work for you, please ignore it.
love and hugs, rainy. hope you can get back to sleeping well. :hug:
Hugs, rainy. And I agree with san; if a massage therapist won't respect your need for a quiet environment, they're not being professional enough.
And regardless about other adults, it sounds like you create an environment that's respectful and a sanctuary for the kids. They're lucky to have you.
San & CF - I appreciate the suggestions. I agree I could be more direct the massage therapist. I am going to try a different person next time - based on their intake questionnaire, they seem more trauma informed. Thank you too for the support of me with kids I work with. :hug:
..........
I am having a difficult moment. I received a letter today from my car finance company. I had received a voicemail from them earlier this week that I didn't take too seriously as I thought they were just waiting for title information.
The letter I received asked me to send them my title as the information was not correct on it. I do not understand what they are needing as I don't have any official documents - I thought the state sends the lienholder what they need and I get the title once the loan is paid off. I sent a message to the finance company and hope to get this clarified.
I've just never had so much trouble with car paperwork and I am so tired of dealing with it. But also, this stuff is so triggering as I take this that I did something wrong when really all I am is the middle person. I don't understand why they are making this my problem but they are.
I have been feeling up and down today. My relationship with myself and with my husband just feel hard right now. I was reflecting that when my husband and I are first moved to our old state, it felt like this too.
I purchased Janina Fisher's workbook Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma and am curious what I will encounter.
I'm sorry things are difficult with car paperwork. That kind of thing is always just one additional thing on top of everything else that I just don't need. I hope it sorts itself out somehow. :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate your understanding. I wish these types of things didn't feel so overwhelming to me.
..........
I did not handle myself well this morning in communication with my husband. I am still uncomfortable communicating needs and instead what often comes out is a harsh reflection of something where there is no way he can respond.
After that moment, I reflected a bit and realized a lot has piled up.
I received a letter from work a few weeks ago on beginning of year meetings and was confused by it. I didn't know who to ask for clarification as my boss has left her job and people seem sensitive about you asking the "right person." Today I reread it and decided to just sign up for the meetings listed. That indecision and lack of understanding was really bothering me.
I am also bothered by paperwork woes with my car and a financial account I am trying to set up. I made an appointment with a bank to see if I can get the form I need signed. I sent a written message to my car finance company because trying to call someone first doesn't always work for me.
I am trying to take it one step at a time and trying to remember that I haven't done anything wrong.
I started reading Janina Fisher's Transforming the Living Legacy. I was looking at it while cooking dinner so was a bit distracted but also it helped me take it in in chunks. What stood out to me today was the reminder that trauma doesn't "end" when the experience or environment are gone or done. It was helpful to me to read that today.
One of the worksheets I worked on today asked for me to consider how things that came about for me as a result of trauma (such as depression, anxiety, shame and more) helped me survive. I tried answering that and found resistance to it even though I came up with answers.
I think the word "survive" is getting under my skin a bit. I have referred to myself as a trauma survivor as that language signals meaning to other people. But I am pretty tired of "surviving." I am also tired because I feel overwhelmed by the news and knowledge that people suffer in ways I will never really understand. I want to help make positive change in the world but feel so limited in what I can do or want to do.
I hope I can continue to not think too much about work even though it is quickly approaching. My intention is to be as present as I can be and try to respond to what is in front of me.
rainy, maybe it seems to be a small thing to you, but to me, the kindness and caring you show here on the forum to people like me who are hurting, in pain, confused, or just plain down (and, like you, tired of simply surviving) your words make a big difference in the world. many of us cannot solve world problems, let alone country, state, or city, but personally you make a lot of difference in the lives of many. and i thank you for that. i can't take to the streets anymore, nor volunteer as i once did, but i hope i can make a difference in one other life wherever that may be. love and hugs :hug:
San, I deeply appreciate what you wrote. It filled my heart and I hope to internalize the positive message as I still feel so much resistance to accepting good thoughts from others. Thank you. :hug:
.........
I went to the bank today and they helped me with my form. I hope they filled it out correctly and worry they didn't. I mailed it in and will have to wait and see.
I am noticing struggle as another school year approaches. The reminder that trauma doesn't "end" when the experience or event ends is helping me realize how hurt I've been in my work experiences.
I am thinking about colleagues from a previous job that I thought I got along with and realizing I don't think they liked me very much. One in particular helped me as a reference and in looking back I think I was a trigger for her. I think I misunderstood our working relationship and it hurts me.
I'm also still really upset by what happened in the job I quit last October. I cannot move past how I was treated and feel so foolish for all the "ammo" I gave them by being so honest and forthcoming. I cannot move past how disrespectful they were toward me. I have a new job and they are all still there being nasty.
And now the job I have. I am stressed as I am still unclear how to begin the year and if I will receive communication of things I need to know. I think they take for granted and don't realize how much information new people need to feel oriented. They also poor awareness of trauma in my experience. I am trying to be hopeful that I will have the opportunity to be myself and find my way this year.
I am curious where I'll be a year from now. I hope I feel less hurt and more connected.
I've been having trouble falling asleep.
Last night I was just about to fall asleep and felt this sense of peace. My body had felt less tense and I was feeling good. I decided to write down that I was feeling well to mark the moment.
And then bam: I started thinking about so many things. First I fixated on thoughts of how my hips were tight and how many of my early sexual experiences were SA. I haven't fully processed that all.
Eventually my thoughts sort of focused around college. I ended up feeling this deep deep deep sense of loneliness which I have experienced a lot of my life.
I did start to name a few folks that were my friends at one point. And finally fell asleep.
Today I am noticing tension back in my shoulder. I started reading a book related to my career that I've been wanting to read for years. I am really pressing myself to get through it.....and also I am still on break.
I am falling into the trap of putting others before me and trying to be so so so prepared. But all I am doing is setting expectations I will not meet and then will feel bad about myself when I "fail."
I did not sleep well last night and woke up feeling ill today. I took a home COVID test and it was negative. I have tried to rest today but am still worn down.
I realized that my starting to read a book for work is a way of me to manage my anxiety and try to exert control. I decided to stop reading because I am still on break.
I have been worried all day about not feeling well and have been trying to will myself to feel better.
sending wellness vibes your way, rainy. i hope you're not sick, that it's the stress flu instead - you've been going thru a lot - and that you feel better pronto. also hope you get some good sleep soon. :zzz:love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate the words of comfort.
........
I did not sleep well last night and I feel unwell today still. I don't feel like myself and it is causing me distress.
I have been too hot at night and struggling with feeling like I am between sleeping and waking.
I've had some odd dreams that unsettle me and haven't been able to feel comfortable.
Whatever is going on wellness wise seems to be a combination of seasonal allergies, menstrual cycle, stress.
I have been putting so much pressure on myself and have tried to ease up today. But I feel so uncomfortable at resting - I keep waiting for punishment.
I finally slept through the night last night.
I still don't feel well today. I think I may actually have a cold. I am remembering how unsafe it was to get sick growing up. My parents were never very understanding and I did not learn good self care of illness from them.
One thing that was really stressing me out that I didn't fully acknowledge is that tonight my husband and I were supposed to have dinner with someone he knows from work. If I wasn't feel sick it would have been fine to go. I was worried about feeling well enough to go.
But this morning I woke up knowing I shouldn't go. I spoke to my husband and feel relieved he is supportive of us not going.
I wish I felt better as I am in a place of noticing all kinds of things with my body and I am trying to create this complex connection between all of them to mean I am really unwell.
hi rainy,
may i assure you there is no police force standing at the ready to punish anyone who wants or needs to rest. you're listening to your body and it deserves your attention w/o guilt or shame.
have you considered testing for covid? it seems to be running rampant right now, and could be the cause of your feeling ill. just a thought.
i hope you continue to take care of yourself as best you can. i think it was a great idea to cancel. love and a hug filled w/ healing energy. :hug:
Rainy, I'm sorry that the stress of going back to work is weighing on you. Your previous work experience was so harmful. Makes me sad that you have to carry so much on top of everything else. :hug:
Sending some support as you brace for the new school year to start.
Rest up, hopefully with minimal guilt.
And gentle support too as you are processing some about your early SA experiences.
Thank you all for your support. :hug:
.........
I am starting to feel mostly better. I continued to test negative for COVID and think I had some kind of sinus infection or cold. I am a little baffled how it happened as I am not around others much. I tend to associate these types of illnesses with drastic weather changes as that tends to be when I get sick. I haven't been sick like that since probably 2019 so it was even more intense.
I am very emotional today and wish I fully understood why. I'm not even sure what to say about it now that I am here.
gentle hugs, rainy. Sometimes our bodies know what we need and maybe you needed the rest? Hope you feel even better soon. We're here for you.
Thank you CF. I did need some rest. I appreciate your support.
........
I am finding it hard to believe it is the month of August. I haven't had to attend to time closely for a while which is nice. I head back to work in about 2 weeks so am trying to hold on to enjoying time off while also starting to reestablish routines that I associate with work.
As the day went on, I noticed some things that I think contributed to my emotions earlier.
One was text exchange with my mom yesterday where she told me news about my brother that he hasn't told me. I think she was trying to figure out if I had any information that he has told me but not her which I don't. I have felt really upset of late how disconnected me and my siblings are but I think that may be our way of coping with the games our parents still play.
Another is that I received the mandatory beginning of school year trainings I have to do on topics that are so triggering - active shooters, child abuse, harassment, bullying, medical needs, etc. I forget how triggered just reading the titles makes me until the next time I do these things. There are a lot of reasons these things upset me that I may talk about another time.
I also saw on social media that a person I knew in high school just had a child of his die. The child had cancer and they did their best to help the child heal as well as to enjoy his life. It made me sad because this child was so obviously loved and I am sorry that so much of his life was spent ill.
I also thought of how kind the friend was to me in school and how he probably doesn't even remember his act of kindness to me. I had gone to a dance with someone - it wasn't a very formal date (due to my parent issues and just generally a bad idea for me to date this person anyways). My friend thought this date was ignoring me and treating me badly. He stepped in for a dance to help me have some dignity. It was so kind of him even though the "date" wasn't really a thing. After all this time I can appreciate how special it was to have someone looking out for me. I doubt he remembers that experience but I do.
Lately I've really been missing my massage therapist from my old state. I have decided to take a break from massages here for a while as the place I've been going to isn't really working for me and I don't have the energy to keep trying to recreate the person and relationship I left behind.
I have been thinking a lot about "healing" of late and feeling angry and hurt and sad that it feels like no matter what I do, there is still more to work through. For a while I've imagined that I am "untangling" myself but I don't like that image anymore.
I have a feeling it will be difficult for me to fall asleep tonight. I hope that won't be the case but I imagine it might be.
I hear you rainy on the healing and healing and then there's still more to do.
I'm so glad your friend stepped in in high school to get you treated with dignity at the dance. Sounds a good memory to have atm.
I hope it turns out you can sleep tonight after all :zzz: :zzz:
Thank you Blueberry - I did end up sleeping that night but last night was not so good. I appreciate your support.
..........
I had a good day yesterday. It was just good.
And then night came. I could not fall asleep. My brain kept going and going and going. Then when I finally got to sleep, my cat woke me up really early with getting up a hairball (this really shouldn't be called coughing up a hairball because there is no coughing about it).
The biggest weight on me is the approaching work. I keep thinking about what happened last year. I keep thinking about "conversations" I had with people where it is my word against theirs and how I don't feel believed for what happened.
And of course that stuff is bad, but it touches on so many deep hurts that are very old. I am feeling so discouraged about myself and my place in the world. I try so hard with relationships and struggle, struggle, struggle.
Just now I broke down and cried. I spoke to my husband about my experiences a bit. I am trying to be patient and kind with myself but it isn't working very well right now.
Sending support, Rainy. It has to be really pretty stressful to be preparing to go back to work. Your heart is in the right place at work. I know it's easier said than done but trust yourself...there will always be toxic people out there. Stand firm in who you are cause you're one of the good ones.
gentle hugs to you, rainy. I second Armee's post, you are definitely one of the good ones. Wishing you energy to deal with the upcoming work and peace for sleeping. (and some to the cats, as a cat owner, I completely understand the yakking issue)
I third Armee's post. :hug:
Armee, CF, Blueberry, thank you. I appreciate your support and encouragement.
..........
I thought I would get a little out of my mind before trying to settle down for the night.
I have been watching training videos for work (I have 50 to get though). Every school district I've worked in does something like this, but this job is definitely the most thorough. I appreciate that they pay us some for watching these videos.
And yet, these videos. They trigger me and I sometimes don't realize it for a while. Because it's work related and I know I have to do it, I notice I push down my initial "what the..." reactions and they come out later. Small comments or topics get under my skin and it can build.
One video, about child abuse, started with the question, "What do you know about child abuse?" Well............................... Another video told me I just need to learn to manage stress. *eye roll*
Intellectually, I understand that given the nature of work in schools and all the dynamics between adults and children, it is important for there to be guidance on managing difficult topics. And I do get triggered because of my personal experiences. I also am aware most people probably don't think twice about this stuff.
What upsets me the most though is that a district can say "this is our policy and we want you to report these things when you see them or experience them (child abuse, bullying, harassment, etc)." But my observation is that most of the time they don't actually want that to happen.
Over the years I have watched teachers say things about and to students that is not ok. I have tried to stand up to it and am always met with, "that's not a good idea."
Over the years I have personally been bullied by a number of teachers and administrators. I have tried to stand up to it and it always gets turned around to be my fault.
I acknowledge that I make a lot of mistakes and most likely contribute to difficult dynamics at times. But I don't operate in a vacuum. I bring a nervous system that picks up on nuances, subtleties and feels deeply the hurt, injustice, meanness I see.
That isn't necessarily a bad thing. My instincts of "this is wrong" aren't wrong. Other people I have encountered have been wrong and we weren't able to work through it for a variety of reasons.
I do get so upset though at the thought of the pain being caused to so many students by careless comments and actions of well meaning, tired, burned out adults. I get upset that as I watch these videos and realize I was bullied at work and couldn't do anything about it but leave.
The approach of HR being required to require us to be given information out of context to check off a box makes me upset. I always want to say something to someone about my experience of watching these things....but I never do because I don't know who it would be or if they would listen.
Lately I've felt so stuck because I have so many ideas and thoughts and no where to discuss them.
sending support and hope to you, rainy, hope that maybe, possibly, you will not encounter the same abuse, especially not being believed. i hate that feeling - it goes to the core of our being. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Rainy,
I really relate to the things you're saying about watching those training videos, and your experiences within your work system of trying to be heard and understood. I've grappled with such similar things myself when I was within my own profession.
I wondered whether maybe a way to get people to 'hear' those things you want to express might literally be to write an article or even a chapter for a book or something like that - to share your thoughts and your experiences (in an anonymised way if you wanted to) - but some way to be able to have your thoughts taken on board.
I hope you don't mind my sharing those thoughts, but I was thinking you wrote so many really pertinent things, and that maybe raising them with the organisation directly isn't necessarily the arena where they'd be able to make changes, but sharing those things in a way that people could read and consider - that might reach more people.
I also noticed that I felt some frustration that you have to watch these videos during your vacation - that doesn't seem fair, although I know you are receiving some payment for doing so.
Sending you a supportive hug Rainy :hug:
Hope :)
San, thank you. Some of the stress I feel is that I acknowledge how much of my experience is filtered through my wounds. While I have had mean experiences with people, that hasn't always been the case. I keep a lot of distance between myself and others which isn't always necessary.
......
Hope, I appreciate the ideas you shared. I will think on it - it bothers me all the time and I wonder if it would help me to create something out of the experience.
I also appreciate the frustration about this being worked on during vacation time. My past experience has been that so much stuff and expectation is crammed into the beginning of the school year that it lowers my overall stress to just do these things before I get too busy. I have a lot of anxiety right now and doing a little something makes me feel a bit more in control.
..........
I felt tired today and didn't do much.
My husband and I have been watching a TV show that overall has been enjoyable. There is a relationship in the show that has really gotten to me. It seems to represent deep wishes I have for relationships. The relationship didn't go the way I had hoped and I find myself grieving a fake relationship presented in a show. My disappointment and sadness and grief feel big in my stomach right now.
Tomorrow I am starting a new training plan for a 15K run I will do in October. I am looking forward to having a goal to work toward.
i've had similar experiences w/ shows, rainy, especially when i've felt a connection w/ the characters. for me, it feels like it's a reflection of what's gone wrong for me in the past, or what i've missed out on. the grief is real, i believe. love and a hug filled w/ support and compassion :hug:
hugs, rainy. Absolutely, a well-written show can be something we connect with closely. For me, the shows I want to watch are usually the ones that are good enough to make me care.
Congrats on your running! 15k upcoming, that's just... wow. I am so impressed!
San, yes, the relationship depicted put a lot of questions to me and made me feel like I am missing out on some version of myself that doesn't exist. I have been reflecting on grief the past few days and how we grieve over things we didn't want too.
......
CF, I love watching or reading stories with good relationship stories. I appreciate your support about the run - I honestly walk a lot in these types of events. It is still a commitment but it helps me to have something to stick to and accomplish.
...........
Today has been a relatively calm and comfortable day. I've had moments where my brain has tried to respond as if I was in danger. I have been able to work with that today.
I notice I am becoming more anxious as I prepare for bed. I've had a lot of dreams lately. I don't remember any of them but I have the sense they have been about things I feel like I am missing and seeking and yet can't come close to.
Something I've been puzzling over is how I can hold space for and be a support to children. Another adult enters the scene and I feel like I am the child. I wonder about why I continue to feel so inferior to other adults and why I lack confidence with them.
When I think about my relationship to other adults, I keep trying to prove something and I'm not sure what exactly. I keep wishing I was a different person and that I had a different life. I want to grow my tolerance with feeling present with other adults.
I am noticing that as I am feeling a bit more safe and relaxed, I am feeling triggered by that. Given how difficult work can be, I think my brain is trying to brace me.
I have these rash type marks on my side rib cage that are causing me stress. They don't hurt and yet aren't going away. My instinct is they are related to my bras -
I think my bras are worn out. I have ordered some new bras and hope that helps.
If it doesn't help, I have a doctor's appointment coming up. I think that is also causing me worry. I am never honest with primary care doctors about my mental health. I am also working through ableism and ageism.
I noticed today how much I wish I was different. I keep wanting back all the possibility I thought I had when I was younger. I wish my brain was different and that my body was different and that I felt wanted and accepted.
I also noticed how a part of me accepted myself today. It accepted that my brain works the way it does and that my brain brings value. I am still working on accepting myself and it feels especially hard right now.
it sounds like you're doing some important work on yourself, rainy. longing for what might have been, yep, it's rough. so sorry the work thing is troubling you and you're having sleep issues. those have been some of the worst for me. sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and acceptance. :hug:
Thank you San. So much work and I am tired of it.
.........
This morning I am reflecting on how I believe I have anger deeply buried inside.
I am afraid of expressing it and letting it out.
But I am angry.
I am angry at the assumptions that have been made about me. I am angry at my parents. I am angry at colleagues at work. I think I am also angry at myself which feels misdirected and is more about self blame and shame.
I am afraid to feel angry and hope to explore that some.
wishing you energy for dealing with the anger, and hugs if you want them, rainy. I think because a lot of us have to learn to name how we feel and learn how to be okay with having that feeling, we've learned to be afraid of our own (perfectly normal) anger.
Thank you, CF, the hugs are appreciated.
.......
I am trying to fall asleep but my brain is busy.
My day started off kind of annoying by receiving a bill for a toll fee in my old state - there was no way it could have been me. I called the organization and was able to get the charge dismissed. I am proud of handling that but it also took something out of me.
I also worked to try add my husband to my health insurance plan. That did not go as smoothly as I had hoped and I think I will have more bureaucracy to deal with. I am annoyed at having to deal with this.
Last night I dreamed about the principal from my job from last year. What I remember of the dream is receiving some notice and having to schedule a disciplinary meeting with her.
I have gotten stuck on the word "insubordination." I don't think I was actually insubordinate as I complied with requests (often unreasonable) from people that were actually my bosses and ignored things I was directed to by people that didn't actually have say in my job yet wielded so much power to push me around. What is the worst is that I was gaslighted so much and made to feel like I was horrible.
I had this dream and then was also really activated today while watching some more training videos (I only have 5 left to watch). What I get stuck on in many of these videos is discussion of a hostile work environment. That is what I have experienced a lot (I believe) especially in the job from a year ago. I get upset with myself that I didn't somehow stop these environments from being terrible. I start to feel lousy that I seem to have a knack for finding that most dysfunctional places to work and say "Rainy, the common thread is you, you must be the problem."
This is not a fair thing to put on myself. Toxic environments and systems are complex and long standing and I did what I could. I wish I didn't feel so lousy about myself.
I also continue to worry about my body. I am afraid that as I finally heal and find my way, something bad is going to happen to me and I won't be able to keep going. I would like to continue experiencing and seeing where I end up.
hugs again! You are not the common thread. There are far too many workplaces than not these days that are toxic. I'm sorry you have to experience any of them. "Insubordinate"... That made me outraged on your behalf just to read. I have this feeling they just used "insubordinate" as code for "won't put up with some stuff." In any case, I wish you luck with the upcoming work and peace.
Thanks CF - I appreciate your support and perspective. I was reflecting this morning that a lot of my struggle is born out of the pain growing up feeling powerless against abusive parenting. I would actually say I have made a stand and given the strong reactions I provoked, I know I did and said things that align with how I want to show up. But it wears on one to be bullied.
........
I wanted to reflect on this while it is fresh in my mind.
This morning I went for a run and it was lovely and cloudy out. It's been too hot of late and I like heat less and less as I get older.
As I was returning home, it occurred to me how I show up at work (and probably other places with lots of people) in a defensive place. I expect to be hurt and I expect to not be accepted and I expect that nothing I will do will matter. And the worse I feel, the more aggressive my defensiveness becomes.
As I am aware of this, I hope to spend some time being curious about how I can approach differently. I will be starting a school that is brand new to me. I am really triggered by this but also it is an opportunity to recalibrate my own expectations of myself and others.
I often think of how hurt and lost I feel and imagine many folks that have caused me pain must feel the same in their own way. It doesn't excuse poor treatment but it also motivates me to keep trying to find a way to heal.
what a great realization, rainy, about how you've approached new/different situations and people with your armor already in place. best to you on the new you you're cultivating. i sincerely hope you can show up as yourself in your new work environment. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. I often feel like I have a realization and the lessons fall through my hand like grains of sand. I am more aware and hopefully can respond differently moving forward.
.........
I had a dream last night that was deeply disturbing. It really tapped into some deeply held things.
I have felt like I have a pit in my stomach all day. I haven't felt safe in my body all day.
It is weird because my thoughts aren't distressed - or at least, I am able to keep myself in my thinking brain even though my body feels like it is screaming.
I haven't tried yoga - perhaps I will go and do that.
Something I am feeling glad for is that I think I have made some progress with my shoulder. I have moments of the tension being less pronounced which is nice. I think the awareness of deeply held anger is helping.
Hi Rainydiary,
It sounds like you had a really strong and powerful dream last night, leaving you with those strong physical feelings today. I hope that doing the yoga was helpful, if you decided to do that. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Glad to hear that you've had some progress with your shoulder, that is really good.
Hope :)
Thank you, Hope - yoga did help some.
.........
CN: discussion of death in this post
Yesterday got a bit heavier than I was expecting. I found out a student I worked with about 5 years ago died recently. I didn't know her very long but it still makes very sad. I made the mistake of looking at the press release of how she died. It was accidental. It breaks my heart because all I can think of is how scared she must have been. I think this news has had more of an impact than I am accepting and will probably be processing for a bit.
My mom also texted me yesterday news about my brother that I'm not sure she had his consent to share. I was short in my responses to her and she sort of opened the door to check in but then stopped responding. I feel so much hurt in my family relationships.
Today has mostly been ok. During a meditation I had the reflection that some of the tension in my shoulder is pent up punches - I just want to hit something. I realized I don't want to hit to hurt someone else but to physically protect myself. My husband will be going out of town soon and I wonder about spending some uninterrupted time listening to my shoulder.
I have been thinking a lot about death of late as I worry too much about my body. I know I will die but I don't want that time to come for a very long time. I also would like to spend some time really listening to what I want out of my life moving forward.
I realized that after I moved, I tried to recreate the life I had in my new home. This summer I really slowed down and honestly have stopped a number of things I used to do but which are no longer working. I think I have been grieving all summer. So much has changed externally and internally yet I also still have many internal struggles.
I am so worried about the coming weeks as I return to work and have medical appointments.
hi rainy :) I am sorry for the loss of your former student.
Quote from: rainydiary on August 13, 2022, 04:09:10 AM
During a meditation I had the reflection that some of the tension in my shoulder is pent up punches - I just want to hit something. I realized I don't want to hit to hurt someone else but to physically protect myself. My husband will be going out of town soon and I wonder about spending some uninterrupted time listening to my shoulder.
I totally get this and think it's just awesome. I hope your shoulder has lots to tell you.
Forgive me if not useful. When I last spent time uninterrupted listening to my body I had to punch.. a lot... I felt stupid so I held back , but eventually I gave in and punched more than I ever had in my whole life combined (though I'm no fighter lol). I felt I was fighting for my parts. Showing them I will protect them.
Whatever and however it works out, I hope you find it beneficial.. i will be rooting for you today!!
:hug:
I am sorry for the loss of your student. I have had similar experience. The death of children and young adults, who I have known, has left an ache in my heart.
gentle hugs if you want them, rainy. Sorry to hear about your student.
I agree with the others. Punch a pillow, a mattress, couch cushion, whatever. Those punches want to come out, there are safe ways to do so.
i've also punched things to let out anger, rainy, and it's been cathartic. another thing i found helpful (when i lived in a house) was to throw my flip-flops at a door. the physical exertion plus the satisfying sound they made was very helpful in releasing some anger. i think this shows how helpless we've felt in protecting ourselves from the past, and possibly even in the present. the pain you feel w/ your family touched me a lot. so very sorry you are so hurt by them - and also sorry about your student. not enough words. sending love and a hug full of self-enabled protection. :hug:
Thank you all for the care and support. I will explore ways I can be physical in my space and see what that does or doesn't do. I want to respond individually but am not up to it at the moment.
.........
I am a bundle of emotion today.
I am so overwhelmed by the approach of another school year. I'm not sure that I am anxious. I always struggle with that word because it suggests worry about the future - my worry is about the past repeating itself because it has for me time and time again at different schools.
I notice that this is a pattern where I get this build up of tension in the final days of summer break.
My husband and I went for a walk in a lovely forested park we live near and it was helpful to do that.
Then we watched the final episode of a season of a show we enjoy. It was too much emotionally for me - the way the show juxtaposes the amazing things we can do and accomplish as people and the terror and harm we can cause is a lot to take in.
A lot of my struggle right now is that I have lost two people that were my sounding boards in the past. One was a professional relationship and it makes "sense" that we grew apart as I moved and no longer pay for the service. The other is a friendship and that one is really hurting. The person has put up a lot of boundaries and I don't feel like she will be there to respond like she has in the past. While I understand, it also hurts.
I struggle with friendships so much - some of my pain of late is that I've thought over my friendships over the years and patterns emerge that make me feel lonely and like I've never really had friends.
I generally have been feeling like I lack a place. I grew up living all over and as an adult I have moved many times to pursue different opportunities. I don't see myself as a person that will be fixed in one place for always. This movement does make relationships tricky to develop and maintain.
sorry for your losses, rainy, especially since these were people to whom you could speak sincerely about what was on your mind. i've had people put up such boundaries, and it does hurt. it also feels like i've suddenly been limited, like a sense of freedom has been taken away. sending love and a hug filled w/ calm and soothing for your anxiety as you approach another school year. :hug:
Rainy
Having trusted emotional outlets are so important, so I'm thinking about you and sending you all the healing energy I can muster. :hug:
San & Papa Coco, thank you, I appreciate your support. I am reflecting that there were two people at work in my newest job that listened a lot this spring. But summer always makes things weird. I think this all goes along with the defensiveness I've noticed in myself. There is more to unravel.
...........
Today I notice I am holding both my worry for what is to come with feeling relatively ok.
I did a yoga session that focused on the hips and found it really beneficial. I noticed that my thoughts went back to times where I learned hard lessons - looking back on those times makes me feel a ton of shame.
Although it is still a bit up and down, my shoulder is starting to consistently feel a bit better. I am noticing that it is difficult to explain this experience to people in healing professions - when my shoulder is touched by another person, I don't experience pain to their touch. It is something deeper. I generally have been trying to be more gentle with my body as I do hold a lot of tension and hope that I am trending in the right direction.
I start some work meetings on Wednesday. I feel very unsettled because I do not understand how the beginning of the school year looks and because I have two schools assigned it is even less clear of where I go and when. I am trying to notice in myself my instinct to know before I am supposed to know and to be 100% prepared from day 1 - that isn't possible.
My husband is getting ready to go on a trip. I am looking forward to some time to myself - but I am also worried about how this trip will go for him. He is taking a road trip to visit the town we just moved from. For some reason I will never understand he opted to invite his dad. His dad is making all these demands and expects my husband to provide things for him - a ride home (1000+ miles), stuff he will need for the trip, etc. I am trying to remember that this is between my husband and his dad....it just gets complicated when I know how these types of things end up and I am tired of watching my husband get hurt by his parents.
I hope I can sleep well enough the next few nights and go easy on myself.
RainyDiary
Good luck with your school meetings. Hopefully the butterflies will settle in your stomach as soon as things get rolling. First day jitters are normal, but my experience with schools, from K through College, is that they are not always as organized and communicative as I would like them to be. Lots of "flying by the seat of the pants" with them. At least that was my experience as a student and a parent of students.
Interesting about your husband and his dad. I guess I held onto my relationships with my parents too long myself. Even if they're demanding and demeaning to us, our parents are our parents. Sometimes I think I was more involved in the relationship I wanted with my dad then the one I really had. I hope your husband's trip goes well and that he finds what he's looking for.
rainy, the thing with your H and his dad really struck a chord w/ me. i've been working on the idea of my D still having a relationship w/ her F (my ex), and how upsetting it is to me that she still interacts w/ him. my T finally told me (after i've brought this up many times in session) that maybe this is her path, and she needs to be on it for herself. lt made sense to me, when put in those terms, and released me from the bulk of my concerns and mistrust. she's an adult and must be allowed to choose her own way. don't know if that makes sense to you, or is helpful, but just thought i'd write it down. love and hugs, my dear. i hope things go smoothly, including the school stuff. :hug:
Papa Coco, thank you for your support. In my experience a lot of assumptions are made in school districts and people are stretched so thin. I also have a role that weaves between systems and folks don't understand (or seem to) that so well. I hope my husband finds what he is looking for too.
.....
San, thank you. I appreciate your words - I have been trying to see and accept that my husband is on his own path too. It is hard for me but I am seeing that this isn't about me. I struggle because I react to his experiences from my own perspective and am trying to give him space to do his thing with regard to this.
..........
Whew, I am upset today.
While getting a haircut today, I acknowledged to my stylist that I am not actually dreading going back to work. I feel nothing.
I don't think that there is actually lack of feeling but defeat. I have tried so hard for so long and I don't want to keep trying at this work.
At this point I am returning because I signed a contract. I need the income so that hopefully my husband and I can buy a house at some point. And I still do enjoy seeing students.
My mom keeps texting me - I think she is worried about me but it just upsets me. I give her short, factual answers. I hate that I don't get comfort from her or my dad.
I might write some recovery letters soon.
Good grief - my husband just shared that his parents will come visit us in January because plane tickets are on sale.
It doesn't matter what I feel or think about that as they will come whenever they want regardless of the convenience to us. They are now retired so don't have constraints on their time whereas we have jobs.
What upsets me is that their last visit here in June was deeply unpleasant for everyone....so I don't understand why they continue to force this.
I just don't need this stress right now. I get upset because I know this will just be a repeat of everything that has already happened and yet they will come.
HUGS, rainy. I'm sorry you have to deal with such selfishness. it sounds like they have some control issues, perhaps. Wishing you the energy you need for many upcoming things.
Thank you Cactus - these folks have a lot of things going on for sure. I appreciate your support.
..........
I am struggling today.
I did a workout this morning and watched some interesting shows today which gave some temporary relief.
I don't have a ton of energy to give a lot of thought to my in-laws and their insistence on visiting. I think what this also brought up is that the holiday season is approaching. I loathe it because my husband and I have not yet successfully navigated the holidays without a ton of drama. That is a topic for a different day.
I am also upset about my husband's upcoming trip. I don't mind that he is going but the inclusion of his father makes me ill. I also do get anxious when he leaves as I worry something will happen and I won't be there. But this is his thing and all I can do is support him from afar.
A lot of depression came up today about starting work. I don't even know how to put into words what is wrong and what it is I want.
I know that I can do the job. I have enough experience that I can meet the bare minimum and get by. Seeing students will also lift my spirits. But I don't feel like I can handle coworker relationships.
Tomorrow I have some virtual trainings - I am interested in the information.
I have vague visions of greater things for myself. I am just so worn down by unkindness and meanness and lack of respect.
it seems like you're being pushed from 2 completely different angles, rainy - his parents and the whole school thing - and that would be difficult to navigate, for sure.
hang tough, ok? your H is doing his thing and he'll either 'get it' one day or he won't. either way, it's out of your control (i'm just learning this), which is often difficult to realize and accept. i get it. hope your meetings go well and that you'll be pleasantly surprised as the school year begins. love and a hug filled w/ letting go. :hug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 17, 2022, 02:54:34 PM
it seems like you're being pushed from 2 completely different angles, rainy - his parents and the whole school thing - and that would be difficult to navigate, for sure.
:yeahthat:
:hug:
Thank you San and BB - I do feel like my preoccupation with my in-laws is another job. I think I keep expecting myself to not react so strongly to them while also expecting I will never hear from them again (which isn't realistic). I have noticed my husband adjusting some things about his interactions with them which intensifies their tendencies. I appreciate you supporting me. :hug:
........
I am tired today and rather overwhelmed.
I knew I needed to be up this morning so I kept waking up during the night and checking my clock. I also had a nightmare that my cat was eaten by a harbor seal.
I did two work trainings on Zoom today. I enjoyed the one this morning. The presenters shared a list of "capital" people have. When I am less tired I may share it here as it was helpful. It framed for me that I have been an alternative voice in my work and that I have met resistance for that. It made me feel like I haven't done anything wrong overall.
The afternoon session was harder for me to attend to. The information was good but the delivery was tough for me and I had a really hard time paying attention.
Today a person from work reached out to me. She had tried to be my friend before break (I think?) and I am really ashamed of how I interact with her. She and I had tentatively made plans to meet over the summer but that didn't happen. I see ways that I acted toward her to keep her at a distance. I tried apologizing today.
I did end up asking her to explain how the school year starts. I'm glad I did because she let me know lots of things that were not made clear to me. What I learned is: I am expected to reach out to schools and let them know I work with them (my assumption had been that the boss would send that out), people start work on Monday "if they want" (a situation where you need the information but aren't officially expected to show up), and that I need to be more proactive in getting my materials I need.
I am a bit triggered by all this - I haven't done anything wrong, but folks do not understand how it feels to be an abuse survivor and feel a huge sense of panic when I have to scramble to meet unclear expectations.
Something that is interesting to me is that a lot of messaging I've gotten from the trainings I've done is to be culturally responsive to students. I am sure the district sort of tries to be culturally responsive to adults in ways that are recognized....but I wouldn't say their approach is responsive to trauma survivors and neurodivergent people.
When my brain settles down (probably in several months), I will find a way to express this experience and thoughts. I am hesitant because I was so open about my experiences with my last job and that was used against me in really nasty ways.
I hope I feel a bit better tomorrow. As upset as I am about my husband leaving, it will help in many ways for him to not be here while I get back to work. It will be less energy I need to give to many things while I adjust to new schedules and routines.
I can't believe your workplace gives such little information! That would be stressful and infuriating. Also your inlaw visit. Perhaps thats something that you can practice just putting out of your head until it's closer? I hated letting worries about my mom's behavior ruin my week before it was actually time to worry and fret. It gave her too much power over my day to day life. Easier said than done to just focus on the present...but I did try that and when I could do it it did help a bit. Doesn't change reality. Just protects it a bit.
Rainy- I can see how that would be tiring and overwhelming. Thank goodness she was willing to share so you got that info. I agree, it seems to put the burden on the person hired rather than the school. Here's hoping for the best for you and the energy to get through what you need. Gentle hugs if you want them.
Armee, I appreciate your support. I am reflecting that this isn't the first time I've had such little information. I think it has always been like this in these jobs and I haven't understood that. Now that I understand I can find a way to process and act.
......
CF, I appreciate your support. I feel fortunate that someone helped me as I wouldn't have known otherwise. I will say that as upset as I was yesterday, I am managing relatively well today.
.........
I'm in a weird place today. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and the day he will be preparing to leave. He has been a bit on edge and I think it is about both of those things. I think that tomorrow will feel really difficult.
Yesterday I was able to put in motion some requests to get access to things I need online and to request picking up my computer. I also got more information about what is happening and have a plan for Monday and Tuesday at least.
Today I accomplished a lot. I had to drive twice to the military base to renew my pass because the first time I didn't have enough documentation for them to process my form. It is absurd and I was annoyed but I was able to get it done.
During both trips I had meaningful connections with strangers. On my first visit, I spoke to a person who also works in the same district. She validated that the experience is weird and not good. It made me feel a bit better to hear someone else say "yeah this is not ok." On the second trip, a military member stopped me to ask for help. I didn't understand his question because I am not in the military. I was able to be a listener to him - he appeared anxious and needed someone to listen. I saw a lot of military members today, some I imagine were just out of high school. It made me have a lot of feelings I don't really understand.
I was able to get a computer and the one they gave me today is so much better than the one I had earlier this year. They gaslit the heck out of me when I said that computer sucked because they misunderstood the age of the computer I was given. At this point I don't care as the one I now have works so much better and that will relieve a lot of stress (the last computer I had would take at least 45 minutes to boot up every day).
I spent some time today looking through files to understand the students I may be working with. Registration is still in process so I will need to double check the information in the coming weeks but just spending that time today will help me not worry about it as much.
Given all of this, I think I am managing relatively well. My shoulder is a bit tight from stress. But I am not holding on to all of this as intensely as I would have in the past.
Rainy- glad you were able to get a better computer. Tech issues can be stressful. Also glad that it's a bit better today and that someone validated your experience. it's nice to at least know you're not the only one. Gentle hugs if you want them.
Thank you CF - I set some intentions for myself for this coming school which were essentially to be present and to observe my tendency towards defensiveness. I wonder if I am showing more openness which led to these conversations.
..........
I am feeling uneasy today.
I am not looking forward to starting work again. I dread the past repeating itself. Since I don't understand what I've done "wrong" before, I don't know how to "prevent" it. But none of that makes sense because I can't prevent other people acting in toxic ways.
My husband told me he regrets planning this trip he is leaving for. I hope that he stays safe. Part of me also hopes that he continues to step out of the FOG that his parents cause. I wish he wasn't putting himself at his dad's mercy like he is but there is nothing I can do. He will leave tomorrow.
My husband is also having career woes. He took a leave of absence from his work. He resigned a stressful position before that leave with the understanding both that his company might "have" a job when his leave is over and that he has skills that they still want so he could work in a different role. He heard today about coming back and it sounds like some of his former bosses are really being uncool about him taking this leave. His act of taking care of himself is causing discomfort. I'm not sure what he will do.
All of this uncertainty with starting work and all the upheaval with moving and all the stress of the past few years and the burden of being a person living with CPTSD is taking a toll.
i'm not surprised it's all taking its toll and you're feeling it now. sometimes it will take several months before the stress of everything is actually felt. i hope you can be gentle and patient w/ yourself, rainy, especially entering this new school year situation. that's a lot of stress in itself.
i like the idea that you may be more open lately, which is inviting people toward you rather than keeping them away. i hope you can keep it up. i love that your co-worker reached out to you and you were able to get needed info from her. way to go! love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I'm not actually surprised it is all taking a toll either...I just get frustrated when I feel like I am moving forward and then get stuck again. I am most worried about relationships with adults moving forward. That is what always comes to bite me. Thank you for supporting me.
.........
My husband left for his trip today. It was a surprisingly tender good bye. He didn't want to go and I wish he would have stayed if he wasn't up to it. But I know his dad wouldn't cancel or be understanding of my husband cancelling which is messed up. I hope my husband will stay safe and find his way along his path.
I feel a bit more connected with myself today. I am doing a yoga class with a teacher I really learn a lot from (Susanna Barkataki). I feel so whole when I learn from her. It makes me feel a little more prepared for this coming week.
We'll see how I feel tomorrow. I generally am holding a lot of fear.
I love that your goodbyes with H were more tender than expected.
Thank you Armee. :hug:
.........
Well, it is time to prepare for bed and to head back to work tomorrow.
I am not really ok but was able to have a relatively chill day.
I wish my husband was here as I think this will be harder than I realized.
My intention tomorrow is just to show up. That will be a big hurdle. It will take a while for routines to be established so the next few weeks will be tough.
:bighug:
Thank you San.
..........
Well, I survived one day. And I mean survived.
I slept relatively ok but not enough. I struggle with feeling pressed for time with sleep.
I had a good run this morning. It helps me to run or exercise before work.
I got to work ok and was able to find someone to show me where my workspace is.
The workspace is....ok. It is noisy and also very hot because it is an old building. I have my own space but the heat and noise were overwhelming today. Tomorrow I am bringing ear cancelling headphones.
I met the staff at this new school and while they were welcoming, it was weird. The principal started off by saying something very important to him (which he called a "treasure") is his "Lord and Savior." It seemed normal for the culture but it made me really uncomfortable because I don't feel like that is something an authority figure needs to be saying to their staff.
Then I found out that our district is short staffed for the position I have....which I think (actually know) means that I will be given more work. This more work will just be performative with the expectation I maintain compliance with paperwork. I am trying to not worry on it too much as I don't know any decisions will be made until next week when they see which students show up.
I am tired. I'm not sure if I am just not overreacting, shutting down, not caring, or what.
Maybe not caring is ok. I know you'll care when the kids are in front of you and will do everything you can for them. The rest of it...not caring seems like a good way to protect yourself. You can only do so much.
Thank you Armee - I am trying to feel there is only so much I can do.
........
I slept rough last night. I had just fallen into sleep and a neighbor's barking dog woke me up. This type of waking is my worst enemy as it leaves me feeling groggy no matter how much sleep I end up getting.
As I tried to fall sleep, anxiety coursed through my body.
I am dismayed that I already feel so overwhelmed and it has been one day.
A few things I didn't add yesterday - I had happened to check my email before work yesterday and I'm glad I did. I had received more concrete information from my direct supervisors of meetings and things they wanted me to do. It was sent at 4:30 on Friday afternoon which is ridiculous.
My friend that I have felt disconnected from and I were able to connect a bit yesterday. I'm not sure if it helped, maybe a little.
I have survived three days. The next two will be a challenge. Just boring and not a good use of my time. At least it will give me a break from my new workspace which is so noisy I am not sure how I am going to make it.
I am feeling achy and scared today. In a week I have a doctor appointment and a lot of questions. I am always afraid something is wrong with me that I won't be able to cope with.
I haven't slept well this week and just feel unwell.
gentle hugs, Rainy. I am all too familiar with how disordered sleep can make one feel. Hoping it gets better for you.
Thank you CF - I am distressed at how quickly bags have shown up under my eyes. I slept a bit better last night but it is up and down.
........
I have made it four days.
Today was good because I spent the day with a colleague from last year. She is supportive and listens to me and also asks me for help from time to time.
Today was hard because we started our day outside at a kick off meeting. These are common events where we all come together to be "inspired." It was so hot and the sun was shining directly on us. I did my best to just notice how I felt and not react, but the heat took a toll.
I did enjoy the keynote speaker as they were inspiring. What they inspire in me doesn't feel possible in my current situation and that makes me feel upset.
The rest of the day was spent in a meeting led by the district leaders for the department my work falls under. I realized today that what bothers me is how inauthentic they are. They say words but don't mean them and it bugs me.
I got really overwhelmed being around so many people today. I had some stilted interactions with a colleague today that I have to work closely with. I was awkward with her because I am was overwhelmed and I am still expecting that my work assignment will change and I don't want to give so much energy to the current arrangement. She can tell me all she wants that she doesn't think things will change - I don't believe her.
I have a headache before bed which is so uncomfortable. I hope to feel better in the morning. One more day of pointless meetings (for now).
good luck w/ those upcoming meetings, rainy. hope you get more 'real' people to listen to. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. :hug:
.........
Whew, one week down.
Today was relatively chill. I realized that while a lot of my ill feelings this week were stress related, they were also hormonal.
Today a colleague called me into a conversation as she remembered something I said earlier in the week. I felt heard today by two people.
I also feel conflicted as one of those people holds a credential and training that I have grown averse to based on my learnings. I don't think this person sees their training as in conflict with their advocacy. I think a lot of training programs and credentials are based on really biased views of humans, including my training. Right now I am reminding myself that we are all at different places on a journey and I still have more learn too.
I hope I can rest this weekend. It's only going to keep getting harder and more complicated. I am feeling really vulnerable for how freely I expressed myself today.
I am wishing my husband home sooner than he is coming. He is progressing through the trip which is becoming more about his dad than anything else. He has stayed in better touch with me than he typically does on trips - we have come a long way in our communication.
I wish I didn't feel much shame on Fridays as I begin to rest from my week. I made it one week and have 41 more to go until this school year is over.
Hi Rainydiary,
Well done for getting through this first week back at work, I know it was challenging, and I was thinking of you at different points in the week and wondering how you were getting on. I really hope you're able to get some rest this weekend, and it's nice to hear that your husband has been more communicative regarding his trip, and I hope he gets back home again soon, so you can enjoy time back with him.
I know you mentioned that you are feeling really vulnerable for how freely you expressed yourself today, but I very much hope that you are able to rest easier with that feeling, and I hope that you are able to get the rest you hope to have this weekend.
Take care :hug:
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate the care and support. I was able to rest this weekend and will take each day of week 2 as they come. :hug:
.........
My weekend was good. It was nice to not have any demands and to do what I wanted.
I am feeling incredibly emotional and don't fully understand it.
I am rewatching a show I watched over 10 years ago. It is interesting to consider the influence it had on me at a younger age and how I experience it now.
I am experiencing grief related to the pandemic. I keep thinking of a time before we all went through that. It's also hard because it doesn't feel over. I haven't gotten COVID and am wondering how long before I do as people at work aren't wearing masks really anymore.
I had an acupuncture appointment today and don't think I'll go back to see this person again. Another person making comments about how "messed up" my shoulder is. I am now stressed at how much stress my shoulder holds. I struggle because my shoulder does not limit me in doing anything in my daily life and thus I don't want to talk to a physician about it.
I am not looking forward to this week. The next two days will be overwhelming as they are "back to school" nights at my schools. I am also feeling overwhelmed because I reflect how easy it is to judge others in ways I don't want to be judged. I am already exhausted at the idea of navigating socially this week.
gentle hugs and energy to get you through the days, rainy. :hug:
:wave:
Thank you CF - I appreciate your support.
......
Hi Larry, thanks for stopping by.
...........
Today is ending in tears. My intention today had been to be self-compassionate and that isn't working very well right now.
I found out after working all day that today was technically not a working day and thus I was not paid for today. Hours of pay in my job truthfully make no sense to me anyways but now I feel so stupid. I sent out tons of emails that I realize now are confusing because I was operating from a different understanding.
I also went to a "meet and greet" at one of my schools. I worked at this school in the spring but I might as well as have been invisible. People didn't know me and students are more familiar with the other person in my role so didn't really talk to me. She also kept forcing interactions and introductions that overwhelmed me. I said something to her and she got defensive.
There is also a teacher that I stood up to last year that won't speak to me. These things impact me and hurt me. I also was annoyed by "performance" of it all when I could tell a lot of our students were overwhelmed too. It also always bugs me to hear colleagues speak about students in ways I consider demeaning and I feel so guilty for standing there in the moment that I am overwhelmed and can't advocate for them.
I tried reaching out to a friend and her responses didn't feel supportive. There are to an extent and then she always says one thing of advice I didn't ask for which makes me feel like I am being gaslit.
Sleep will help. Tomorrow will be even harder. I won't be in a rush in the morning. I will also be taking Thursday off so I can focus on my doctor appointment.
hey, rainy, i've got some compassion for you even if you can't find it for yourself. very sorry you're having a difficult time right now. and i get that friend thing who gives unwanted advice. we don't need that - it really isn't helpful. sending love and a hug filled w/ support. :hug:
Thank you San, I appreciate your support and care.
........
I didn't sleep as long as I would have liked and it was a bit difficult to settle down last night but I feel mostly ready for the day. This morning also is starting off gross with my cat throwing up and me spilling coffee all over my couch.
Last night I did find a way to some care of myself. So I hope I am learning to not hold on to these bumps in the same way I would have in the past.
I am really beginning to understand how much of a mismatch there is between me and the environment I work in and the overall world I live in. My brain works differently and processes differently from what is considered "typical." I am getting a place where I am tired of forcing this - it doesn't work. The issues I've had in the past aren't really about me but rather a mismatch as well as others taking out their discomfort on me.
In some ways this makes me feel "better" in that I don't need to keep forcing myself to try to be things I am not. I know I will be misunderstood by most people. In looking back there is almost always someone that sticks with me and hears me. And I see things that students need and can at least be a positive in their life even if they "forget" me.
I also now how a boss that I think I could speak honestly and openly to. I want to organize my thoughts to share with her and wait until I can speak to her calmly. I also do feel resistance and am hesitant to speak too much right now.
I am going to work today. This is one of the schools I was at in the spring. It was the lesser of two evils and I regret returning. My colleague that I share the caseload with is a big source of my regret. She can be helpful and has a lot of experience, but I do not respect her approach to her work on many levels. She gaslights me and she says things like "well, we're just here for the paycheck." I can't see the ways children I work with are treated, including by her, and not feel the drive to challenge others to reframe how they see the world.
I also mess up a lot. I am influenced and biased by the culture and systems I am part of. I do get mean to myself that I don't know to how impact change in other adults.
rainy, it's been a futile quest for me thru the years trying to change adults. and i have tried - tried for 20 yrs. w/ my ex to get him to be a happy man instead of what he was. not too much to ask, right? well, impossible, really. i know your heart is in the right place w/ these people, and it sure comes thru w/ your attitude toward children. i'm sorry you have crummy co-workers w/ such neg. attitudes. hang tough, ok? those kids need you and you'll be a big influence in their lives. you'll be remembered. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Thank you San - when I read your reflection about my intention to change others I see how absurd that is. I know that doesn't work. I think I do impact change, it just looks different than I might hope. I appreciate your support. I was also hurt last night that I saw some students I thought would be glad to see me and they didn't show it. I think there was too much going on and kids have different, shorter memories than I do.
........
Before work I did a yoga practice that reflected on something called Ahimsa. My understanding is this means non-harm and includes taking care of oneself and others. I think it set up for this day of caring for myself.
I went to work and my colleague was busy. I thought we were going to talk about our caseload but I was there for almost 2 hours and she was doing other things. I also at one moment felt angry at her for something she said to me yesterday when I didn't remember the number of students on my caseload at my other school.
So I left. I have a commitment tonight at my other school and decided it would be better to rest before that. I put in some time and people spoke to me...but until she relinquishes some control over the caseload, I am not going to waste my time.
It has sunk in that my challenges in my school jobs are not me. It feels like a load has been lifted. I cannot mold myself into being what they want. I am going to move forward with being me and hopefully feeling less badly about it.
I feel myself at this transition point. I am not sure where I am headed but I don't want to keep trying to make this type of work situation fit me. I'm not sure what I will do. What I think is actually important to me is the ability to hold space for others and is more about a person being themself with me. I could do that in almost anything.
I really don't want to go back to work later today but I said I would be there and I don't want to not show. My husband returns today which will be good to have his support.
Quote from: rainydiary on August 30, 2022, 07:26:24 PM
I have a commitment tonight at my other school and decided it would be better to rest before that.
Sounds like good self-care. I'm glad you had a rest and I hope it helped.
Quote from: rainydiary on August 30, 2022, 07:26:24 PM
I feel myself at this transition point. I am not sure where I am headed but I don't want to keep trying to make this type of work situation fit me. I'm not sure what I will do.
Being at a transition point sounds like steps forward to me, especially since you don't want to keep trying to make this situation work! In time I'm sure you'll feel what you want to do next or how the next steps could work. Standing with you in this process.
Quote from: rainydiary on August 30, 2022, 07:26:24 PM
My husband returns today which will be good to have his support.
:thumbup: Sounds really good that you are looking forward to your h coming back and to his support. :hug:
Blueberry, I appreciate your support. :hug:
.........
I am feeling so guilty right now.
I am taking the day off work tomorrow because I have a doctor appointment. No I don't need the whole day for this, but I didn't want to deal with trying to figure out how to manage my time to make it all work.
My secondary school (the one I wrote about feeling invisible at) is being rather demanding of my time. Really it is my colleague. What is hard for me is that I perceive her to be a very controlling person. She performs "including" me in decisions when really we will do what she wants. I don't think she needs to do the majority of what she does, but it is her issue.
I told her I can't attend some meeting tomorrow in an email and she immediately called me. I told her in the email that they could meet without me but she still called. I also had told her earlier this week that I wouldn't be at work on Thursday. So....I am not sorry for calling in sick, but I also feel her disapproval and like I am not pulling my weight when she leaves nothing for me to do.
I am realizing that this is a familiar dynamic. I shouldn't have agreed to return to that school. I knew how she was but it didn't feel as bad as the other school. And now I don't think I can do it.
I am not sure there is anything I can about it at this point. I don't want to feel guilty though for taking care of myself and feeling lame in comparison to her.
I am not ok today.
I am tired and sad and hurt.
I'm glad to be home today.
Sending supportive hugs rainy
I think you did a wonderful thing, taking the full day off today.
I'm sorry for how you are feeling though and hope something joyful unexpectedly finds you today.
:hug:
Rainy,
I agree with Phil,
I hope you are able to rest today. These dark days can come on us like a storm cloud. And sometimes, just taking a day off and weathering the storm is the best thing we can do.
Hugs to you. :hug:
i also agree about taking the day off. it sounds like you feel stuck - you're doing work you love with a population you love, yet you have to do it in toxic surroundings. i hope you can find your way to reconciling this for yourself. i liked what you wrote:
QuoteIt has sunk in that my challenges in my school jobs are not me. It feels like a load has been lifted. I cannot mold myself into being what they want. I am going to move forward with being me and hopefully feeling less badly about it.
i fully believe in this reflection and truly hope you're able to attain this goal. sending love and a hug full of self-assurance. :hug:
Take the day, rainy, take care of yourself, The work sounds like a lot of "love the work, don't love the environment". Hope you feel better. gentle hugs and energy for you. :hug:
Sending over thoughts of hugs and support and hope things feel better at least over the weekend.
Thank you all for the support and care. I ended up being glad I had that day - I was exhausted and napped which I rarely do and is a signal to me I need rest.
........
I am feeling worn out and feeling yucky about a conversation I had today. My doctor appointment went ok yesterday. The lump on my back isn't anything concerning. I also felt comfortable with the doctor so that will help for future care.
The room at the school I worked at today is too warm and I come home with a headache. I try to stay hydrated but it is like a sauna. I hope it cools down soon because this is rough.
The conversation that is making me feel yucky occurred with one of my bosses. I tried to be honest with her about my experiences but once again fell in the trap of not having a clear purpose for the conversation. She listened and I don't think I damaged the relationship...but I can tell I overwhelmed her and she didn't know what to do with what I said. It made me wish I hadn't said anything.
I did reflect today that I have a new friend that is really supportive. I have sort of met her before but we connected last Friday at a training. She and another colleague really listened and heard what I said without making me wish I hadn't said anything. I realized that is important. I kept in touch with her this week and she was honestly really supportive. That feels huge to me.
I am exhausted right now and hope I can feel rested this weekend.
I am feeling better today.
I woke up today and reflected that the conversation with my boss yesterday was a misstep on her part. She was tone policing me and upholding systems that I was trying to describe are hurtful to me. I misread that she would be in a place or have awareness to hold space for me. I am finding that I am not wounded by that conversation. I didn't do anything wrong.
She did give me some ideas of things I could try out to see if they would help me feel like I am making system wide changes. I did volunteer to be on a committee in our school district and that may just be where I start. That committee is really going to push my boundaries as it is, so that may be all I can do for now.
hugs, rainy. I hope this committee is something that can actually make changes. Glad you did find someone who was truly supportive. Wishing you peace and energy. :hug:
Thank you CF.
..........
I woke up in the middle of the night from a very vivid dream.
My heart is breaking from what my brain was processing.
It is hard to put into words and I am writing with the hope I will find my way back to sleep.
Rainy that dream sounds very difficult. I hope you were able to rest. I know how difficult it is to shake the feelings such vivid dreams bring.
thinking of you, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you Armee and San, I appreciate your care. I will reflect more but am grateful for your words.
.......
I have felt a bit off emotionally all day. I don't necessarily put pressure on myself anymore for there to be a reason as I have learned it is much more complicated. I am wondering if it would help to write about what's been going on.
Yesterday I had a massage - my shoulder was feeling so uncomfortable and massage is supportive. I went to a new place as they had an opening. The person giving the massage was male - I've never worked with a male massage therapist and have always been curious if I would feel comfortable.
Well, that particular person did not make me comfortable. Their approach to speaking to me and communicating with me just didn't work. They didn't do anything necessarily wrong, it just didn't work. I'm not sure I want to go back to that place but if I do I would try a different person. My shoulder does feel somewhat better, but my heart did not feel good after.
After the massage my husband and I finished a show. The end of the season really caught my heart. A character (with a trauma history) put themselves out there to express love and faced rejection. Their response to that rejection was brutal and ended with them crying in an empty room on their own. I felt that story so much and wish that I could create stories like that.
My dream last night involved my cat getting lost and an appearance of a beloved person from my past. My waking mind takes in a lot about this person and also wants to express things that I think should be kept to myself. This combination in one dream space made my chest hurt and I considered that maybe it put me into an EF for some reason because that chest hurt is my EF signal.
Today I have had flashes of student interactions and colleague interactions from the past (previous jobs) just leaving me feeling like garbage. I am reading a book called Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn and I think it is what is bringing both mistakes I've made in how I've interacted with students as well as times I've felt "punished" by colleagues. I think these feelings are important to acknowledge for moving forward but they hurt right now.
Glad for no work tomorrow although work weeks that start on Tuesdays feel so much more difficult to me.
so sorry for the pain you're going thru, rainy. i know sometimes that's what we have to go thru before getting to the other side. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Sorry you had an unpleasant day yesterday. Hopefully the extra day off today will help a little. Hugs if you want them :hug:
Thank you San and CF. As I reflect on what I wrote yesterday, it surprised me. I wasn't actually feeling all that bad - I had questions and was feeling hurt but it wasn't as painful as in the past. I am finding I often don't have words to describe my current way of being and relying on old ways doesn't always communicate what I mean to.
.........
Here approaches another work week. It feels like the slog is beginning. It will be a long and difficult road from here. 40 weeks left.
My husband returns to work tomorrow following his leave of absence. I am worried about being able to handle any emotions that come up for him. His workplace has sent him mixed signals about his leave and I worry something will go awry tomorrow. Ultimately it isn't my responsibility and it doesn't help to worry.
I feel rather neutral right now. Today was a day where I was able to both relax and do what I needed to feel prepared for the week in terms of errands and chores.
I am realizing how much more sleep I need than I get when working...or at least I need less pressure on my sleep schedule. I'm not sure if that is possible.
Last night I had more intense dreams. They leave me feeling a lot.
I notice how anxious I am in the mornings which I think is why I've done my best to stick to exercising then even though I often get up earlier than I want to in order to complete my exercise.
Work was ok today - nothing in particular happened. I felt awkward today and out of place. But I am noticing a difference when I stop pressuring myself to be something I'm not.
I did feel depression today as I realized that today begins the long, hard slog of the school year.
rainy, i sincerely hope you are pleasantly surprised this school year, and at least have a better time of it than last year. i think being more true to you will help, and i can also see how that might feel awkward - you haven't had a lot of practice w/ that. just get thru today as best you can, all right? sending love and a hug filled with hope for a better school experience. :hug:
I appreciate it San. I am having hard moment this evening which I'll write about below.
.......
So, today was relatively ok but has some bumps.
One bump is that I went into a classroom today for students that benefit from more support than many students at school. One student really lacked boundaries. Her teachers and staff kept yelling and redirecting her. She wasn't particularly bothering me and I can tell her to give me space. What I noticed is that I wonder if I was a bit more harsh with this student than I would have been otherwise in order to "pass" with the other adults. I feel really bad about my communication today with this student. She seems like someone that has a really hard time and I don't want to contribute to that.
This evening a colleague from the main school I worked at in the spring texted me. I am glad she texted me but it also really has triggered me.
Another of the colleagues there sent an email to our bosses that amounts to "tattling." There was a situation that didn't get resolved and she is implying I just didn't do it. She doesn't know the full story but also her behavior is incredibly hurtful.
I have an email from one of the bosses excusing me from that work. I will have to find the email tomorrow in case I am contacted about it.
I know I didn't do anything wrong, but it is hard to have that school and people that work there continue to drag on my energy.
Being generous to this person, I know she is overwhelmed and not a well person. I also realize that I say things about other people behind their back when I am in a moment of stress. I like to think I haven't deliberately told on someone with the intent of them "getting in trouble." It still sucks that she did this. And that she is subjugating the person that shared this with me to all the ways I was lazy...while now not being professional and helping with the current workload.
So, now I am questioning myself. I feel like I suck and that I am not doing the right things. This day is pushing against old responses and habitual ways of thinking. I hope this feeling passes quickly.
It is also humbling - trauma responses aside, I am often reminded of how I am human like anyone else and not "better" than others. This is a reminder of the impact my words and actions can have on others.
I spoke with a friend and now feel silly for not just feeling anger at how mean it is to "tattle." I am not sure why I continue to feel the need to see nuance when anger is warranted.
Virtual hugs if that is supportive to you. That really sucks what that colleague did to you.
And I've been in situations like you describe where you feel a bit pressured to be firmer than feels right. It is really hard because not only do you feel bad but also untrue to yourself and values. Which really just says good things about your values. It's really amazing that you can generally hold your ground so well and be such a calm presence for the students. It's OK to not get it right sometimes especially when your intention is good.
i agree w/ armee - we're learning to be human, rainy, including the idea that we will mistakes at times. however, we are also learning a mistake is just that, something to learn from rather than beat ourselves up about. that's what others did to us when we weren't their idea of how we were supposed to be. we are breaking that tradition, even if it's sometimes a slow and bumpy process. and, yes, your colleague sucked for tattling, and it does warrant anger. i, too, am just learning about the appropriateness of anger in certain situations. love and hugs, rainy :hug:
Armee, thank you. I will have chance to repair with that student. I appreciate your support.
.....
San, I appreciate your words. I watched a continuing education video today where the presenter really modeled acknowledging how we have done things from a less informed place. I am glad I had time today to watch that.
.........
I just realized that it has been a year since I put in my resignation at that job that was so miserable. I have come a long way since then. I am glad I left.
I didn't hear anything from any bosses today about the tattle so hopefully they will just handle it and leave me out of it.
Today I watched a continuing education video about interoception (which is our sense of our feelings and body signals). I am glad I watched it because it was helpful to hear the person speak about it and it gave a lot of insight.
I do feel a bit confused in my relationship to my husband - he hasn't told me much of anything about his trip and he's been quiet this week. I don't think he enjoyed his trip and he did return to work after 3 months off. It's just hard to be with a person that doesn't tell me how they are. I start to worry he isn't happy and I feel responsible. Not as much as I used to, but it is still there. This could have nothing to do with me and could be about his own journey.
Today he told me he is planning to go visit his family next month. He is going then so that we won't "have to" go for the holidays. That actually makes my day. Maybe this will be an opportunity for us to rewrite how we spend the holidays. It does annoy me though because he has already seen his family like 4 times this year and if I remember right he told me his parents are coming to visit our area in January. I can't stand all of this...but it is also nice he is accepting my need for boundaries with his family.
I hope to get some good sleep tonight and finish off the week well.
Hugs, rainy. Hopefully this means you can do holidays your own way now. :)
Thanks CF :hug:
........
I am not ending this day in a good place. The day was too busy and hectic for my nervous system.
I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of tomorrow - I have an appointment early tomorrow which is making me feel rushed and on edge.
I come home and the dishes and preparing dinner (which creates more dishes) and husband just lounging overwhelmed me.
Our life has gotten back out of balance with the return to work. I recognize it but am still so mad that I feel like I do so much labor in the home without support.
I just feel upset. I work so hard in every aspect of my life and it feels like I am behind no matter yet or putting my energy into the wrong things.
I am hoping I don't get sick as one student unintentionally spit while talking and some went in my mouth and another today had a cough that didn't sound great. It is the reality of working with kids, but I am noticing a lot of fear in myself around getting sick.
I am feeling so disappointed in how bad I feel right now.
dearest rainy, first and foremost, i hope you don't get sick. after that it just saddens me about the dynamic w/ your hub and his family. i'm glad he's going to them and letting you stay behind. hopefully, as you mentioned, you and he can begin making your own holiday traditions and memories that are pleasant and meaningful to the both of you.
that thing about housework not being attended to equally by both parties just sucks. i hope you can find a way to divvy up those chores more evenly, one in which he'll participate. then again, i don't know how much friction that might bring up. i just feel for partners who get into this rut - it's so hard to find a way out. just rambling thoughts.
i think that anniversary is meaningful. i hope your work situation never reaches that point again. sending love and a hug filled w/ support :hug:
San, I appreciate your words. I am noticing that with the level of overwhelm I felt yesterday I was back in a place where I am seeing issues everywhere. Yes there are things that it would be helpful to address but I was throwing everything out there in an attempt to protect myself. Thank you for supporting me.
.........
I did not sleep well last night - someone was running in the hallway last night and it woke me up. I woke up again to the sound of the child of one of our neighbors crying. I was also worried about getting up on time and felt so mad that I was pushing myself like this on a weekend.
I woke up and went for my run. The run was a positive experience and I loved being outside at the time I was out (around sunrise). It wasn't crowded and it was just right.
My windshield replacement is not resolved and I am feeling extremely frustrated and stuck and angry about it. I've been waiting 6 months for the company my insurance insists I use to get the windshield. I show up today and the worker realized they didn't order the correct windshield.
I leave with the understanding he would call and find out about the right windshield on Monday. I'm almost home and he calls me back to say that he found a windshield that would work that was earmarked for another customer. So I drive all the way back and leave my car.
An hour later he calls and says he has bad news which is that my car computer was throwing codes that mean his team was unable to move forward. So I drove back for a third time and now am unclear where I am at. I'm also not feeling like they were being honest with me - it seems like they didn't actually have a windshield and are just making things up.
I don't want to go back to that place. My husband is suggesting I call dealerships and see who will help me. I know that dealers don't replace windshields but I believe some will coordinate with a company to come and replace the windshield. This is wise and I would appreciate a dealership's help as my car seems to be unique to the glass place I went to and I don't want them to mess my car up. But the thought of calling service centers makes me so uneasy and I feel like I will be unsuccessful. I decided to set that thought aside for today so that I could rest but the uncertainty is eating at a me a bit.
I still feel a bit out of sorts today. There is a lot of emotion underneath churning and I don't understand what is happening. Things just feel hard right now and I am being hard on myself for it. I am slipping back into pressuring myself to be something I wish I was.
HUGS, rainy. I can see how that would be extremely frustrating to deal with. I certainly hope some dealer can help you towards a new windshield.
Glad you were able to enjoy outside for your run, though. I'm sure it was lovely at that time of day.
CF, I appreciate your support. I think what is most frustrating is how much energy and worry and planning I put into Saturday for it all the come to nothing but an unclear path forward. I will figure this out eventually but right now it stinks.
........
I am in a defensive place right now.
I am realizing more and more that I would rather not continue working in the role I currently have been for 10+ years. I think it keeps me in a state of discomfort and unease that is not good for me.
I am not sure what I will do next. I also have until June before this current assignment is over. I am really afraid.
And then there are my relationships with others. My husband, friends, colleagues, family. I feel so bad at being in relationship with anyone. I do not seem to be getting my needs met. I am trying really hard but feel like I am moving backwards.
I hope that I can find gentleness for myself this week.
Rainy,
It sounds really overwhelming and to feel scared is a terrible feeling. I'm sorry.
I don't want to seem like I am advice giving. I'm just wondering...I never see you mention therapy...is that something off the tables for you? I can understand many reasons why that would not be the right approach it just makes me feel sad that so many relationships feel bad to you. And that's something therapy can help with. Not that it is your fault but a therapist could possibly help figure out what dynamics are in play and how to get something more satisfying.
I'm sorry if I am out of bounds to ask and I'm sure there's a very good reason this isn't something you are currently using toward healing and you don't need to share that with anyone you don't want to.
Rainy,
Armee's term, overwhelmed, sounds right to me. If you are able to do more runs in the morning, then that's one thing to help reduce the stress. I guess that if it works, keep doing it.
The world really IS crazy right now. It's not us. We're just responding to a very chaotic global environment. I'm glad we have each other to talk it out. We're stronger together. I don't believe that what happens around us is as important as how we choose to care for each other while it's happening. This forum is one of the places where many of us find the empathy and connection that keeps us all from going bonkers. Trust in the love we're sharing with one another. I really, truly am hoping things settle down for you, and that the trauma-brain finds a way to relax a bit for you.
I've been struggling with car issues since May. Same thing, no parts, not enough employees to work on it. My Jeep sat in a transmission repair lot for 8 weeks while the wrong transmissions kept coming in. Promises that it was ready to pick up kept coming and going. I was trapped on a communication rollercoaster while waiting for my vehicle to return to me. I was more and more worried that I'd left it with the wrong mechanic. Self-doubt was getting worse by the day. Well, after 9 weeks I finally got it back, but now that same Jeep is stuck 160 miles away down at the beach with a nasty knocking coming from under the hood. The soonest appointment I could get at the Jeep dealership near its location is 4 weeks from now. Once I get it in the shop, THEN I assume I'll have to wait for parts. We were going to sell off our old pickup when we bought the Jeep, but decided that since it was paid for, why not keep it around. Thank goodness we did. It's been getting a lot of miles on it lately. BUT frustrating!!!!!! Getting what I believe are honest answers from contractors and mechanics these days is a trick unto itself.
When I read about your chaotic situation with the windshield AND your work situation, AND your neighborly noise situation, AND your worries about the stress on your relationships, well...Wow. That's a lot of balls to juggle at one time, especially for a person with C-PTSD. You are not crazy. Your world is just bunching up on you right now. My T always helps me through times like this by reminding me that as an adult I do have the capacity to handle this kind of chaos, but my inner child tends to grab the reins and drag both of me into distress. My T reminds me to have my competent inner adult give my frustrated inner child a big hug and a promise that we are going to work this out and everything will be fine.
So give yourself a big hug from adult you to child you. My heart is with yours. Hugs, hugs, hugs: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Armee, I appreciate the perspective. Therapy is off and on for me and not something I have gained a lot of healing from. I have found the most healing in some of the relationships I have developed. My expression before was my own perception which doesn't quite match reality - there are a lot of people that care for me and I often lose sight of that. Thank you for supporting me.
......
PC, I appreciate the support and understanding. If I could sell my car and not have one, I would gladly do so. I still haven't called the dealer but am hoping to do so today. Thank you for the reminders of how this is hard and it is ok for that to feel hard.
..........
As I have learned more about trauma and CPTSD, I have grown in my ability to manage it.
Through that healing, I continue to find underlying social and sensory needs that I don't think are explained by trauma.
A lot of my feeling right now is that I am suspecting that being Autistic is a missing link for me.
I haven't quite wrapped my head around this for a lot of reasons. A big reason is that I encounter the way my colleagues and systems respond to autism and it is not friendly or welcoming or understanding and is often dehumanizing.
A lot of the mismatch between myself and the work I do and the environments I am in is because my brain and nervous system operate so differently from the dominant way and it takes so much out of me. It is hard to get others to understand.
This time feels similar to the time when I was growing in my awareness and understanding of myself as a trauma survivor living with CPTSD. It was going back to the past and considering the past through a different lens. That is an exhausting journey.
I still have a lot to sort out and I will. Right now it is slow and often painful but I do feel like I am on the right track and moving closer to accepting myself more.
rainy, i could have written most of your words for myself. about 5 yrs. ago i discovered i was on the edge of the spectrum, but i can see how even that amount of brain difference caused me a lot of awkwardness in my life. sending love and support as you sort thru all of this. :hug:
This is really important Rainy. I hope you're able to find a way to perhaps be assessed? Maybe having answers will help in bridging any disconnect in your relationships professionally and personally. Understanding a difference can really help.
San and Rainy
I apologize for not realizing you were both on the spectrum. My wife is on the spectrum and so is our oldest son. I have a deep respect for the spectrum. I met my wife in 1983 and married her only 4 weeks after our first date. (Partly because my family was already trying to tear us apart, so we ran off in secret and married too fast for them to screw it up for us). But also, because I could tell, after only 4 weeks from the moment I'd met her, that she didn't have a dishonest bone in her body. We didn't know what Autism was until 2002 and we didn't know she was on the spectrum until 2010 or later. But I have learned that people on the spectrum can be, simply put, the most honest people I'll ever meet. And given my traumatic past with religion and NPDs, honesty is numbers 1-9 on my top ten list of things I need in any relationship.
I have a rudimentary understanding of how people on the spectrum process trauma and emotion. I know that emotions are difficult to process, so I'm learning, slowly, how to honor them. I've also learned the conversations with her and others I know on the spectrum can be different than with those not on the spectrum. My wife prefers to get right to the information and dispense with the social pleasantries. We can't just sit and chat about nothing for hours on end like I can do with some other friends. I've also learned that her ability to verbalize complexity is a challenge for her. She's of above average intelligence, but she gets frustrated because she struggles with verbal communication. I've learned that when we are talking with someone, I need to shut up and let her talk, but I have learned she has a way of glancing over at me when she wants me to jump in and help her explain something. During our first years, I just talked over her. She'd sit quietly while I did all the talking. I eventually realized my sin, and started teaching myself how to shut up and be her support when I could tell she was quietly cuing me to offer it.
My wife has only two outward behaviors. She's either reserved and loving, or stoic and quiet. Because I was raised by crazy people, I tend to automatically panic when she becomes stoic and quiet. In my family that meant I was being punished by being ignored, and all I could do was wait to find out how my very existence was the cause of all their anger and hurt. So when my wife (her nickname is Coco) becomes stoic and quiet, I go into Emotional Flashback terror. Over the past few years I've come to realize that going quiet is the only reaction she is able to express when she's A) Angry, B) Afraid, C) In pain, D) Hurting emotionally, E) Not feeling well....oh, just basically, any time she's not just feeling okay with life.
I have come to realize that when I start to feel afraid that she's angry with me for something, it is my personal responsibility to check my fear at the door and politely ask her what's wrong. She always tells me the truth. Our Spectrum son is also, we believe, schizophrenic. During his twenties he aaaallllmooooost died of cancer. His friends found him dying on the floor of his apartment after he didn't show up for work for three days. He'd been trying to cure his own Stage 3 Testicular cancer with Hydrogen Peroxide and vegetables. He thinks Doctors are stupid, and the internet taught him how to cure himself. He ended up in Chemo, with stents in his kidneys for over two years. He made full recovery, but came out of it absolutely HATING his mother. He was sure she was going to kill him someday. He quit speaking to her while he had the cancer. And he's never, ever, ever talked to her since Christmas day 2013. We suspect schizophrenia, because people with schizophrenia often hate and fear the people who love them the most...and that was Coco. To this day she has a mix of anger and sadness over how he's treated her for the past 9 years. This was how I learned that her quiet moods are not always about being angry at me. In fact, she's almost never angry at me. She loves me more than any human has ever loved me, and I need to know that, even though her ability to show it through the usual channels is not what I'm used to. I've learned now that quite often, when she's quiet, it's because she's thinking about the fact that her own son hates her for no reason at all. It breaks her heart so badly that I've got tears on my cheeks just telling you about it now.
My point is that I have a deep respect for the challenges people, especially women, on the spectrum face. I see that emotions are just as real on the spectrum as they are off it, but that the ability to express the emotions for others to interpret is where the challenge rests. For me, Mr. Expressive, wearing my emotions on my shirtsleeve, and always talking too much, I've taken on the personal responsibility to check my own reactions at the door and ask, "how are you doing?" rather than misread nonverbal cues and go on being ticked off at her for the wrong reasons.
It's easier to spot the spectrum in men than in women, so men tend to get more acceptance for being on the spectrum.
But I'm here to say that now that I finally realize that you are both on the spectrum, I'll read your posts with a deeper appreciation for how CPTSD and emotion, and social issues, are affecting each of us in slightly different ways.
PS: Our oldest grandson is 11 and is showing signs that he's on the spectrum too. He's having a horrible time in school and at home. His Gramma Coco has proven to him, though, that she understands him. Sometimes, she's the only person who he feels is on his side. We, the rest of the family, are infinitely grateful to watch how she handles him whenever he goes quiet and ignores everyone. She knows that he's dealing with emotions, and somehow, she always knows how to talk to him when no one else is able to get through. She then coaches the rest of us on how to handle him and how to let him be quiet without getting agitated with him for being "a moody tween."
So, as for me, I'm a huge fan of my friends and family who are on the spectrum. I see great things in all of them.
San, I appreciate that this resonates. Thank you for your support.
.....
Armee, I am considering if I want to be evaluated. I am familiar with the tools used to diagnosis autism and they are so flawed. I am not sure I want to subjugate myself to that analysis. I believe I am on a provider's wait list which will give me time to decide. There are a number of online assessments that seem to indicate autism. Self-diagnosis is accepted as there are a lot of barriers to diagnosis especially for adults. I appreciate your support.
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PC, I appreciate your support and perspective. I appreciate you sharing about the experiences in your family and I'm sorry for the struggles you all have faced. It is helpful to have you on my team.
........
I'm not sure what to say about this week.
On Monday I went to a committee meeting that ended up not being what I thought I signed up for. I'm not sure it will be a worthless experience but I had some weird interactions with my supervisor that have left me feeling awkward this week.
Tuesday I called my local dealership. They of course deflect me to another auto glass shop that they have a relationship with. I tried calling the shop and they didn't answer. So I filled out an online form for them but haven't heard back yet. If I don't hear by Friday I will call again. I feel really discouraged and distressed about this getting resolved.
On Tuesday I was at my second school that I am at only two days a weeks. I had some really difficult student interactions. I am being really hard on myself because I feel pressure to handle it differently than I would otherwise because I share space with my colleague and I can feel (or what I perceive to be) her judgment. I hate when I fall into weird power struggles with kids that clearly need something and feel like I fail because I don't like resorting to tricks and bribes and "because I said so because I am the adult."
I also met with a student that may already have CPTSD as a third grader. I was so glad to meet him and yet his openness about his struggles really caught me off guard. I cried after talking to him. I am glad to know him while I do - I think he may be moving soon and all I can hope is he will find the right supports.
Tuesday my husband also booked his trip to see his family. I really went into a tailspin after work which I think was somewhat about that, somewhat about work, and a lot about just me processing. I got myself worked up over the ways my husband's family continues to exert control over him. It doesn't matter that we live thousands of miles apart...the web is deep and extensive. And I don't know all of it. Sometimes I see it and I get so mad because it feels like secrets.
The thing that I tend to get triggered by almost every day is that they all share streaming service accounts. My adult husband and his parents and siblings share a Netflix and Disney plus account. I'm not clear who pays for what - if history is any indication they probably split it and each pay $3.33. Or my husband pays for it. We sometimes get HBO Max and he shared the password with them. I cannot express how much I hate this. I haven't said anything because this is a symptom of a much larger issue and it isn't going to serve anyone for me to say anything. I try to not use those services and use the ones we pay for.
Today was relatively ok. But I just feel beat down. I cannot stand working in schools anymore. I'm not sure I can make it to the end of the school year. I don't like the role adults think they need to play which is to demand compliance while expecting children to hold their bodies in ways they can't while also being expected to act like mini adults.
Tomorrow I feel anxious about. I go back to my second school. One of my colleagues there has really gotten under my skin in a way that catches me off guard. She is someone I thought I might become friends with but her communication with me does not feel responsive. I think she is trying to help me but I get so triggered by her. It unsettles me because I have a physical reaction now when she talks to me and I'm not sure why or what to do about it. I have to maintain some level of relationship because we work with some of the same students. But I'm not sure how to handle.
I didn't mean for this to get so long. I have just had a lot of moments this week that aren't really related but felt significant.
I'm sorry, Rainy. I see I misread your prior post. I apologize for not reading carefully. That you said you suspect being autistic is the missing link, not that you suspect you are autistic. Of course self diagnosis by someone as trained and self aware as you is valid. And I also did not catch the significance of what you wrote about how your colleagues and supervisors deal with autism in a dehumanizing way. Sorry I sometimes read and respond too fast.
Hugs, rainy. That's a lot of things to deal with all at once. I can see how it could build up to overwhelming. Wish I could help more, of course, but I am definitely here to hear you and offer hugs.
rainy, it makes sense to me that you would be questioning being employed by schools. i'm deeply sorry for all your struggles in those educational systems. one day at a time, ok?
as far as your H and his family, please keep doing what is necessary and right for you to maintain your distance. unfortunately, too many other people do not realize the importance of boundaries or respect. you do, however, and i can totally see how it's difficult to deal w/ those who don't. been there what seems to be a million times, and it sucked each time. hang tough, ok? hangin' right beside you. love and hugs :hug:
Armee, no worries, I may have misread what you posted before. I also meant to say before that the Autistic community accepts self diagnosis. Self diagnosis isn't going to help with accommodations or support within official systems. I appreciate your support. :hug:
......
San, I appreciate your care. I think the hardest part is schools have been like this for so long and I experience it differently now. The way adults speak to kids pushes against the abused parts of me and it feels all too familiar. I'm not sure if this is the way to make change especially when it leaves me so tired. Today was relatively good.
I appreciate your care about my H and in-laws. That too has always been there and I experience it differently now. I am done doing what makes my in-laws comfortable when they do all they can to pressure my husband into moving "home." They don't accept me or our life. Them aside, my H and I also have things to figure out too.
.........
I had a relatively calm day. I worked with a few students I knew in the spring and it was lovely to see them and for their faces to light up when they saw me.
Noticing my shoulder less tense and that I'm not reacting emotionally the way I would have in the past. I am still bothered by what I see and hear each day. I am trying to double down on caring for myself.
I am afraid and also encouraged that I think I am forming a real friendship with a colleague. She has been very accepting of me. Today she reached out to say she was having a hard day. We made tentative plans to meet up next week.
I hope to actually meet up with her. My social life is extremely limited. It is limited by choice and preference as well as by fear and distrust as well as unhealthy dynamics my husband and I have developed over the years. I hope to take the step to live my life a bit.
My husband seems to be going through something but doesn't talk about it. I may be reading into it. His silence and lack of interest in communicating with me about meaningful things hurts. I talk all the time yet realize after almost 12 years of marriage he is still a huge mystery to me. He was really different when we lived in his hometown near his family. I was too - I was willing to sacrifice my personhood to make him comfortable. It is something that we live where we do.
We both have changed and I think the question is if it will continue to be mutually beneficial and desirable for us to stay married. I hate the feeling that when something dreadful happens in his family, it will break us. His sister having a baby and his brother's death in 2019 did break something. The path we've been on since has been hard.
No one will be able to decide for me what is best. I have to do. Right now I am trying to be the real me and hoping each next step illuminates.
Quote from: rainydiary on September 16, 2022, 03:46:41 AM
Right now I am trying to be the real me and hoping each next step illuminates.
This is such a beautiful goal. I'd like to borrow it as a guide for me, too.
Armee, thank you. I hope I can remember I said it in the coming weekend and months.
.......
Today was tough.
I don't have a lot of downtime on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It takes a huge toll.
I don't have time to process and it builds up. Then I come home and feel terrible as I process.
I am also really triggered by working with classrooms with students who have more support needs. My experiences with these types of rooms has not been great and I worry that people will expect things I won't deliver but they won't tell me.
It is also hard to work with children who come to school with so much need. Need that I can't do much about and it makes me so tired. I care about them so much.
I need to keep finding ways to care myself.
please do take care of you, rainy. it's the only way you'll be able to add even a smidgeon of care to the lives of those youngsters. so very sorry for your struggles. sending love and a hug filled w/ care and comfort :hug:
:hug: :hug: rainy if they're helpful for you
Thank you San and BB :hug:
.......
Today was a good day and yet as I get ready for sleep I am focusing on the low point of the day.
I for some reason chose to share with my parents my issue with getting my windshield replaced. My dad asked me about it today and I said I am getting the run around (because I am). His comment back was "Well welcome to adult life."
Uh.....I've been an adult for a long time and one could argue been carrying adult burdens before I should have because of his and my mom's "parenting."
I certainly don't know everything, but I am deeply upset at how frustrating and how long this process has taken. The glass shop my dealership recommended has not responded to either a phone call, email, or voicemail. I have plans to call around to more places next week, but this situation is so deeply distressing because there is no end in sight and I keep getting "Talk to someone else."
And would it hurt my dad to just not say garbage to me? I know better than to share about difficulty with them. It still hurts.
So as I feel this comment deeply in my body, I feel like garbage about work. I feel judged by people and like what I do will never be right with the other adults. There are a few interactions I had on Friday that have left me feeling so lousy.
I did find rest today and hope I can tomorrow.
i also hope you find the rest you need, rainy. feeling like garbage is not fun, and i hate that your dad said something like that to you when all you needed was a little sympathy and/or support. it's very frustrating to be given the runaround w/ things like car repairs. i hope your week goes smoothly and you find some sense of calm knowing that what you do and the way you do it is helpful for the children under your care. love and hugs :hug:
:hug:
Thank you San - it is just a reminder of all the times my dad did that growing up too. Each little dig hurts - I am more resistant to it now than I was before but it still sucks. I wish I had parents that I could share a trouble with and receive support for but those aren't the parents I have. I did rest but am feeling a lot of unease as I prepare for bed. I appreciate your support.
.....
Armee, thank you for the care and support.
..........
Today had moments of rest and ease as well as moments of upset.
I am not looking forward to work. I am finding myself in a defensive place. I am back to feeling like I have to "prove" myself and my work. It is too much.
I am also feeling overwhelmed because as I consider what to do "next" after this school year ends, I am drawing a blank. I feel a ton of pressure to be impressive. Really I just want to be able to make other people feel good even for a moment and to not have to do work that takes such a toll on me.
I have been trying to consider how I can encourage myself through the week. A few things that have come to mind:
try to focus on my work and my role and consider what others might be thinking less - if they have something to say, they will say it to me
use pre-prepared materials I have with as many students as possible - I like to create my own materials or use the natural environment, but people often think this isn't enough - a worksheet will be "proof" of what we worked on and give me some space to process
I think those two things will be enough to get me started. One day at a time.
Hi Rainydiary,
I am impressed by your list of things that you've considered, and I found them to be encouraging to read. I really hope that you are able to action them, and that they bring you some good outcomes.
Sending you a hug of support :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you Hope - the list worked mostly on today. We'll see over time. I appreciate your support.
...........
I am feeling so tired today. I find this time of year so difficult as it gets darker and colder.
Today was unexpectedly chill at work. Some of the students on my schedule were absent. I have a way of checking attendance before I go to classrooms - I often will still go to a class even if a student is marked absent but decided not to today.
Some students I couldn't find - several teachers were out and they combined classes. It is so effortful for me to get into classrooms - I don't have a key and they lock the doors, so I have to stand there and knock. It is exhausting.
A maintenance worker also opened up a space in the ceiling in my workspace - he was doing work and I'm sure didn't think about the fact that he was in a space where someone works with kids. I didn't want to bring any kids in there while that was happening.
So, I didn't see many kids today. I always feel bad when stuff like this happens but I also can't control the chaos that each day of school seems to be.
One teacher opened up a conversation with me about how my group went. It caught me off guard - I don't do well with those kinds of conversations. I'm not sure what she was wanting. So I got anxious and kind of rambled. I hope I can connect with her more - she has gone out of her way to be understanding of me.
I did receive a phone call back from the auto glass place I called last week - I didn't have the energy to respond today so will call back tomorrow. I hope they can help me.
I really appreciate your posts, they resonate with me a lot. Sorry that your dad says such hurtful things. I wanted to write more to you rainy but find I just can't anymore tonight. so just sending support. :hug:
I hate being caught off guard, too, by unexpected conversations. They make me panic cause I haven't had time to plan what to say and what to not say.
I hope the autoglass situation works out soon.
Blueberry, thank you for your message. I relate to wanting to say more. It is sometimes hard to share what we want through the board. I appreciate your support.
.....
Armee, I appreciate your understanding. I think these situations emphasize where my needs are. I'm glad for collaboration but I find it difficult with people that are trained so differently and we don't really have a shared context.
..........
I was feeling pretty good earlier as I finally heard from the auto glass place I called. I connected with someone today and she has been really helpful. The process is in motion and at this point I am waiting to hear back as she works to help me. I at least feel supported now but also foolish for wasting so much time with the other company. Based on what I learned today, they weren't doing anything correctly and probably would have damaged my car.
I am feeling triggered now. The school I go to twice a week has students that act out very aggressively. There has been a lot today. The student I just saw had to evacuate class because a classmate was swinging a computer cable, broke the wall, hit the teacher, and was screaming.
I picked up this student for our session as I figured they would like the opportunity to process and have a break. I was not prepared for the student to choose to share with me that their dad died by suicide a few years ago. I appreciate the student sharing but it is also a lot to take in.
I am so tired now. Too much emotional drain today.
This evening has ended up hard.
I was in an EF for quite a while this evening.
Just as I had relaxed some, I lost my cool with my husband about the dishes.
I don't know why the dishes push me so over the edge but they do.
The dishes have come to represent so much - today they are representing how unsuccessful I feel in my career, the stress of getting my car fixed, the stress of trying to find time to take my cat the vet, upcoming medical appointments of my own. They represent all the change this year has brought and worry over the future. The dishes also represent the different ways we were raised - his family leaves dishes piled up everywhere and mine doesn't do that.
I feel terrible for having my meltdown. I have needs I am not communicating to my husband. I am not sure I even clear on what those needs are.
It seems like it would help me to list them and find a way to say them more directly.
gentle hugs, rainy, sorry that happened to you. I agree that making a list might help clarify those needs.
my dear rainy, interesting how something as mundane as dishes can represent an entire can of worms. i get it. i think it's marvelous that you are able to figure out those representations. i think that's a big step toward getting your self back. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you CF and San - I think I was deeper into an EF yesterday than I realized.
..........
I am sitting at work feeling blah.
Yesterday ended up being so draining. I don't want to be here today.
I find myself not caring about trying very hard. No matter how hard I try to plan and be prepared, other things happen outside my control that force me to shift.
I'm not even really sure what else to say about it.
i don't think there really is much more to say about it, rainy. just get thru today as best you can, all right? sending love and a hug filled w/ tea and sympathy. or lemonade, hot toddy, whatever will help. :hug:
Thank you San - I am going to need to figure something out.
........
Today sucked.
Every day I come home drained.
I have my two schools assigned. Our district is short staffed and we've been asked to help out with some additional work.
I signed up to help with what I could but I never wanted to help. There is just peer pressure to help.
I thought I was off the hook for the work today because someone else was hired. But the day ended with this person pushing back on me.
She and I are both in the same boat - we don't know the student this work is needed for. I do feel guilty she is starting a new job and has to jump in.......but we all do.
I have tried to set boundaries today and that is some of why I feel so uncomfortable. But I also feel like I am going to go into work and be told to do this work.
I am so tired of how my values clash with what I am asked to do.
:hug: :hug: rainy, it's so hard, I get it and I'm sorry it's like that for you.
hi rainydiary :)
Your work sounds so difficult ... I hope the weekend brings you rest and is filled with tons of goodness.
Thank you Blueberry, I appreciate your understanding.
.....
Thank you Phil, the weekend has been ok. I appreciate your support.
.........
I am starting the feel the anxiety of the coming week.
Friday was a weird day at work. Tons of colleague drama where one person (who really shouldn't be involved in the situation) pulled me aside and told me I need to get another colleague to do something different than she is. It triggered me because it made me feel like they probably complain about me behind my back. There were other weird interactions that made me realize communication is poor there in general which is also triggering.
I don't feel comfortable in what I'm doing and how other people act. Today I realized that I am feeling defensive and that I feel stuck. I also remembered that it is impossible for me to know everything and I don't have to wait for things to blow up before taking action.
This week will be busy and I am worried about being able to cope.
Thoughts/feelings came up this evening that felt important to write in a second post of the day.
I am really feeling how unloved I felt growing up and I am in that state of feeling right now.
On Saturday my husband and I went to get some vaccines. We were both in the same room and he happened to go first. As soon as he was done, he left. The person giving the vaccines looked at me and said, "Wow, he just left you there." No part of me was surprised that he didn't wait and I also didn't need him to wait but it also hurt a bit that another person noticed.
I know that my cat loves me and that students love me. Last week a young woman asked for a hug. We've known each other for 2 weeks and she already feels so safe with me.
And yet I struggle to love myself. I have a partner that shows love in subtle ways (after my meltdown last week he has been trying to help around the house more). I also struggle every day when I go to work because the eyes and looks of my colleagues feel like the disapproval of my parents and I can't not see it. I am so tired of being looked at with those eyes.
I hope that acknowledging this and all the tears coming out are healing.
:bighug: :grouphug: You are valued on here. I care about you. Other mbrs do too.
:yeahthat:
I value you, Rainy. I'm sorry your family was so unloving toward you. I can compeltely see too how much it would hurt for the person giving vaccines to notice and comment on your husband's treatment of you. That stings.
Hi Rainydiary,
I also value you, and I always think how caring and supportive you are of your students and colleagues, as well as your husband.
Sending you a supportive hug :hug: I hope that you get some rest and whatever you need.
Hope :)
Blueberry, thank you :hug:
.....
Armee, thank you :hug:
.....
Hope, thank you, I appreciate the support :hug:
........
Well today went ok. I appreciate the support I received here.
I am exhausted and didn't sleep very well toward the end of the night. My routine was off today and I was worried about how the day would go. Really today starts off a hard several weeks that I worry about coping with.
I started my day off evaluating a high school student. It was such a pleasure to meet the student and to see the class of students they were in. Several of the students spoke to me and it was such a cool way to start the day. It made me realize how much better suited I am for working with older students.
I emailed my boss to say that in the future I would like to be considered for working with middle or high schoolers. That won't change anything immediately, but it feels better to admit to myself that I don't like working in elementary schools. The kids are fine, but the culture and environment are not a good fit for me. If this district would shift me to working with older students, I think it would help some.
Understanding this helps me take even more pressure off myself although it is still hard to feel out of place at this school. I feel like I say and do the wrong thing constantly. Navigating the social aspect of this job is exhausting. I am tired of trying to force broken things to work. And I am tired of pretending to be something I am not.
Being me is so valuable and I will keep doing it.
i second that, rainy - you are so very valuable. i'm glad for you that you were able to realize where in the school system you feel more comfortable. truly, i doubt you are "wrong" constantly, but i can understand how that feels. love and a gentle, supportive hug. :hug:
I am really struggling today.
I feel like a total failure.
I'm not sure what this is about.
I think it is somewhat about setting boundaries for myself.
I am afraid of backlash.
I have been condescended to today also which doesn't feel great.
setting boundaries can certainly be tough, rainy. it goes against so many messages and punishments we've experienced for doing just that while we were growing up, and possibly into adulthood as well. people who are worth your time and talent will respect your boundaries. the rest, well pooh on them!
one of the most difficult issues i've had to contend with was figuring out i don't have to have everyone like me. that was a doozy, went against everything i believed for a long time. best to you with this, my dear. i'm very sorry you're having such a tough time. sending love and a gentle hug filled w/ comfort and support. :hug:
you are such a strong person, i am so sorry you are dealing with so much. :hug:
San, thank you. I'll add more below and wanted to say your words were very helpful today.
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Larry, thank you for checking in and for supporting me. I am glad to hear from you.
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I am at bedtime and winding down for the night. Tomorrow will be tough and I hope to take it a moment at a time.
Today was challenging for a lot of reasons - a lot of students that require so much I can't provide. I did my best but felt rather foolish.
I appreciated San's reminder about being liked. I do want to be liked and yet at work I am caring less and less if people like me. I have done so much work over the years to be pleasing to others and it hasn't worked. I do have a few folks at work that are really supportive and that helps.
As I figure out how to really be me, I have removed a lot of stuff I used to do that was really just me trying to exert control over things I had no control over. I have been exhausting myself for years trying to guess and anticipate and be all for everyone.
I am scared right now and worried I am not doing things right...but I also feel less agitated overall and am not holding stress like I was.
I did not sleep particularly well last night and am not starting my day off feeling rested.
I have an early meeting today that I am worried about being late for. I run before work because it is important to me to do that. I used to be very strict and regimented about when I left and arrived at work....now I get there when I get there but today I need to be more timely and it is stressing me.
I woke up with a headache which triggers a memory in my body that I haven't really reflected on in a number of years.
After my I earned my undergraduate degree, I worked for a company in which I was not in any way prepared for. I was overwhelmed constantly. I managed to hold on for several years but it got bad towards the end when the stress started to get to me. That job took a toll on me that I'm not sure if I have fully acknowledged.
I would wake up with a headache which signaled that I would vomit at some point during the day. It was horrible.
I remember speaking to a therapist after all I left that job and was in graduate school. She asked if I had ever received a diagnosis for that - it had never occurred to me to talk to anyone about vomiting. My sense of when and what to get help for can be very warped.
I think my current headache must be about barometric pressure. I am also feeling the weight of things right now.
the weight of things right now might be your own barometric pressure, rainy. the pressure you feel to perform, to do everything right, to be looked on kindly by your colleagues, and then the time thing - it's a lot of pressure indeed.
yeah, that whole self-care thing - so many of us were deprived of that knowledge and the practice of it. why would we think to consult w/ a professional when something goes wrong w/ our bodies? i've had it the other way as well - ask docs questions (why this, why that) to be repeatedly told they didn't know, couldn't find anything wrong. i had to boil it down a lot of times to stress. it was so frustrating, tho.
hope you got to your meeting on time and it all went smoothly. love and hugs :hug:
Hugs, rainy. That is definitely a lot of pressure, physical and otherwise. I totally resonate with the not knowing when to ask for help or even how. Wishing you peace and hope that headache passes soon.
San, I appreciate the perspective of pressure - there is a lot of pressure. I am often amazed at the ways stress has expressed itself in me. Thank you for supporting me.
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CF, thank you for the wishes. :hug:
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Last night I had a really intense dream right before I woke up that I said something offensive to someone. I didn't understand what I said that was so bad but people were so angry.
I had an appointment to get my windshield replaced set for tomorrow but of course they call me today to say they need to reschedule because some technicians they need are sick. I understand, but I am also frustrated. The shop's hours are so difficult with my work schedule. I may just end up taking the day off to take care of the windshield and to take a break.
I have almost made it another week. I had some really supportive conversations today with some folks. I am still feeling out of sorts and not sure what lies ahead. I don't have to have all the answers this moment.
I do wish I didn't feel a pit in my stomach as the end of each day approaches.
One thing that was special about today: a student this moment started telling me about a time he was bit by a rattlesnake and had to ride in an ambulance and spend some time in a hospital. This student is so inquisitive and asks me such great questions. He is the sweetest person and I enjoy knowing him. Our conversation today ended up being about trauma - something had reminded him of the snakebite and it was cool to talk through this all with him. I hope it helped him.
i have no doubt it helped him, rainy. i bet he loved the idea he could talk to someone about this 'adventure' and be listened to and heard.
end of the week - i hope you can enjoy your weekend. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San.
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I am so exhausted and discouraged after this day.
I struggle with how a few teachers communicate with me. I walk into their room and they unload all these problems in me and seem to expect immediate answers. Communication in that way does not work for me. We will work our way through it and it is coming from a place of them wanting help, but I hate leaving work each day feeling like I cannot ever do enough. I emailed a boss a question at the end of the day that I wish I had waited until Monday to ask.
Today I worked with a student that is identified as having an emotional disability (whatever the heck that means). He had this tall tale he was telling me about how he drove his Tesla on autopilot to school and that he is actually 16 (he is probably 8 or so). This other adult walks by and is calling him out for what he was saying. I know that what he was saying was wild, but if that is what he needed today, then I am not going to "argue" with him.
I find time with students so precious. The rest of it is wearing on me and making to good moments with kids less and less wonderful.
dang, rainy, looks like your helper personality is being felt by teachers as well as students. i hope you can find a way to possibly playfully warding off their problems - hands up, whoa, whoa, sort of thing. it sounds like you feel overrun by the adults you work with. that has got to be exhausting. i hope you can have a relaxing weekend in spite of the harsh week. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Gentle hugs, rainy. I hope he realized you were actively listening to him. I felt anger at that other adult for attempting to control his imagination. it feels like you are a true advocate for these kids, even if it's hard.
San and CF, I appreciate your support.
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I am not sure I'll write much.
I am really distressed at going to work tomorrow.
I don't feel like I can do it.
I thought last week was going to be hard but this week feels harder.
I can't explain my distress beyond past feelings surfacing.
sending caring and support, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
Sending support for the week. The way you listened to the kid instead of correcting him like the other adult showed him you are safe and understand. You are really good with the kids. It is maddening that you are stuck in a system that is so toxic to you instead of one that supports you in supporting the kids.
Thank you San, I appreciate it.
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Thank you Armee - it is maddening.
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I am up early today to get a run in before work. I am less than 2 weeks away from my run and then don't need to have such long runs before work. I hope my brain will let me sleep a bit longer after this week. When I know I am running in the morning I sleep fitfully given worry I will oversleep.
I've begun learning more about rejection sensitive dysphoria. Last night I dreamt that I took a chance on a relationship and was rejected. I feel rejected on so many levels by so many people across the span of my life. And it deeply hurts.
This weekend I had a reminder that I'm not sure of my identity. Going through another phase of reprocessing my life through a lens of neurodivergence is so difficult. Right now all I see are ways I have adjusted myself to make myself more pleasing to others. What am I left with when I stop doing that?
Some of my struggle with work right now is that I do feel like I will be strongly rejected. I feel rejected in small ways but the big moment like I've encountered in other jobs hasn't come yet. It is hard to explain to other people how this feels. I read an article that suggested seeking feedback as this feeling of rejection thrives in silence and lack of information. I feel like I do try to get information and often get stuck.
I have a lot of extra worry this week as I have a windshield replacement appointment that I'm worried something will go wrong with like every other appointment I've had. I also have several after school meetings this week, some for work and some for personal reasons. Having commitments after what I perceive to be the end of my work day is currently so overwhelming.
I don't think I am giving myself space to feel. I think I am pretending to be ok when around others instead of accepting where I am.
oh, rainy, i can't believe that windshield thing is still going on! :doh: here's hoping you finally get it fixed and can be done w/ this once and for all.
it's a real dilemma you're looking at - who am i if i stop doing what i've always done? personally, i think one of the things you're left with is choice - choice on what kind of person you want to be, boundary choices, self-care, self-awareness choices - just all the things that will help you be the person you truly are. you don't have to do it all at once, tho. slowly wins the race w/ what we're dealing with. just my opinion.
hopefully this week will be smoother for you. sending love and a hug full of clarity :hug:
San, I can't believe I am still waiting on this windshield replacement either. I am getting closer I think but I can't even envision this working out.
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*Request: no specific comments on this post please*
Today I need to reflect on my relationship with my husband. I feel really vulnerable and awful when I do that here. And yet writing things out can be helpful.
As I walk this healing journey, I wonder more and more if I am outgrowing this marriage. These days my husband doesn't have much to say for himself. As all the weird training wheels with his family fall away, he isn't a person on his own.
I crave a connection with another person that he does not offer. I don't know if he loves me or is even capable of love given all the grossness in his relationship to his parents and family. He is so silent and doesn't seem to care very much about what I go through.
The support offered in this relationship is mostly financial. I would take a huge hit in that area if I was on my own.
We just moved to a new place. Which he gaslights me about. He always complained about where we used to live and now he talks about going back all the time. This move was mostly his idea and now he acts like it wasn't which is maddening.
I am wanting to start building up a network of people here in case I do need to be on my own. I am also giving us time to settle as a lot of change has happened the past year.
It is possible that as I build more connections, the pressure on our marriage will relieve a bit. I have been caretaking for him for so long too that as I stop that it also leaves this empty space.
I wish I didn't feel this way. I used to be so certain he was my person and now I don't know.
:hug: :hug:
:grouphug:
San and CF, thank you for the emojis.
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Well, after a much longer time than should have been necessary, my windshield is replaced. I have a worry it will get damaged again, but hopefully the new one will make it longer than the old one. I still can hardly believe it actually worked out.
I called in sick to work today to deal with the windshield replacement and have some time away from work. I don't want to go to work tomorrow but am glad I took the day today. I always feel better when I am not at work. I wish I didn't need to keep going.
i second that wish, rainy. so very glad your windshield is finally fixed. love and hugs :hug:
:hug:
:hug: So glad that's over with for you!
Thank you all - I did not realize how much of a weight that the windshield has been on me. I hope to have fewer issues with my car moving forward.
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I have a lot of big thoughts and feelings today.
I had a meeting with some folks at work (at my request) to clarify my role in something. It was so awkward. It also made me realize I will never be able to be myself fully at work. Maybe that is true for almost everyone, but workplaces are so hurtful to people that need different supports. No one wants to hear lived experiences that make them uncomfortable.
One of the reasons that meeting upset me is one of the administrators made a judgmental comment about how this mandatory training we all have to do on Monday includes sessions on educator stress. His attitude seemed to be that it was a waste of time. I cannot reconcile how people think it is just possible to act like you aren't a human and "do it all for the kids."
And then in the next breath talk about "functions of behavior" and how every child that isn't blindly doing what adults tell them is "manipulative," "seeking attention" and a few other things I can't remember. Children can be so challenging, but I struggle to understand why there are whole professions and fields of study trying to tell me that a 5 year old child has so much power and understanding that I as an adult could be manipulated by them. *eye roll*
So, I continue to not like work. I continue to leave on Friday feeling terrible that other adults don't care what I think. I want to change systems but am not sure I will. I hope I can find a way to focus on my strength in being a support to students.
I was listening to a podcast today that talked about a transition in our culture to shopping. They mentioned time before the industrial revolution and how hard people worked in life to survive. People continue to struggle and yet I had the flash of how much trauma people have endured for generations and generations and passed that down.
I had a similar realization when I read a biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder (which also drastically changed how I viewed her and her books). Her books are glamorizing trauma she endured. And she made those books to give people a weird nostalgia about a past that was brutal.
There are so many ills bigger than us as individuals. I think that is why I feel so beat down at work. Meanness and lack of respect for disability is encoded in everything. I want to be a change and feel discouraged about my impact.
rainy, i once heard that there is no 'difficult' client when it comes to therapy, only a therapist who is missing the correct perspective. i've taken that to heart throughout my work. i believe the same when it comes to children. they often don't have the logic and experience to express their needs in a straightforward manner, and it's up to the people who care for them to figure out what's really going on. it's honestly such a shame that more people working w/ children can't see this as you have.
and as far as educator stress goes, well phooey on whoever said that learning about it is a waste of time. admin, so often, has very little concept of the reality of education, it's cost in terms of human lives and living. that's why mental health days were invented - someone saw the necessity for giving people time to regroup every so often!
ugh, ticks me off you have to go thru this day after day, rainy. :pissed: sending love and a hug full of support and as much detachment as you can manage to make it thru this school year - one day at a time, ok? :hug:
San, I appreciate your support and understanding. I often feel alone in my thinking and approach.
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Today was a nice, lazy day.
I am realizing how much I am trying to control especially at work. Some of my old habits of trying to prove myself are persisting.
I get so defensive and my little me often tries to take control. I am trying to control others. I want them to know how hurtful their behavior and words can be.
I have no control over other people. I have no control over so many things. I am upset at what I see each day at work. I am responding from my wounds though. I don't want kids to be hurt like I was hurt.
I wish I could let go of that urge to control. I have stopped doing a lot of things I started doing at work as a means of control. I am not constantly triggered and less hypervigilant. There are specific situations and specific people that tend to trigger me. I can try to ease my day through those things.
I can also keep trying to be kind to myself. I can keep meeting my needs like wearing earplugs and requesting meetings. I can keep taking days off when I need them.
I have been pushing myself to fit for so long and it feels weird to stop. It makes sense I will backslide.
Quote from: rainydiary on October 09, 2022, 04:27:03 AM
San, I appreciate your support and understanding. I often feel alone in my thinking and approach.
I'm not managing to write much atm nor have I been for a while but I often find myself nodding to your posts, especially your thoughts on work whether colleagues or students or simply how to keep going. You're not alone.
Hugs, rainy. Sometimes, if all we can do if be kind to ourself, that has to be enough.
Blueberry, I appreciate you checking in. I also appreciate the image of you nodding along as you read - I often feel that way when reading others' journals and always want to have the "right" thing to say.
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CF, I appreciate this reminder. :hug:
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Sundays feel so heavy to me.
I can't exactly predict the emotional and mental toll the week will take so my body starts shutting down a bit while mind starts worrying.
In terms of work, I plan to keep letting go of doing things that aren't necessary. Without those things I do feel as though I am left with not understanding my purpose at all.
I have been feeling very unsettled in my family relationships. I don't speak to my FOO much. I carry guilt with that lack of speaking. I carry the responsibility - it feels like it is my fault. And yet, they all have my contact information.
That back and forth in relationships is something I struggle with in general. I feel like I put myself out there a lot...and also try to own the actions of others. I don't have many mutual relationships and the ones I do sometimes find seem fleeting.
This time of year is so difficult for me as the holidays and long days of darkness begin. I think I am in some ways grieving that I know will give up the work I am doing now as some point. I want to work but I need something that doesn't feel so personal.
Hugs, rainy. I find with contacting others, I have the guilt too if it's been a while. But exactly as you said, they have my number too. We can't control their actions, so they need to keep up as well.
Thank you CF - specific to my family, I have a lot of confusion as I've tried different ways of communicating over the years and nothing has worked. I am tired of trying.
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Last night I realized that some of my stress on Sundays is knowing that my work environment is not at all supportive or responsive to me.
I also struggle to clearly articulate what would support me. I don't feel heard or believed. So I tend to stay silent except for with a trusted few.
Today was exhausting. I also cut my finger with a knife while preparing dinner. While it hurts, I'm grateful it wasn't the kind of cut that would have required an emergency department visit.
I do need something different. I can't keep doing what I am doing. Today I realized it may be hard to explain my reality to others because I am not even really clear on it. I think I need some internal reflection time.
Something I had meant to mention yesterday in my post but forgot is a meeting I had yesterday after all of my training.
The meeting is one we hold for students to discuss their plan of support at school. I have a really hard time with these meetings. They are stressful. The dynamics with parents can be tough. The dynamics with teachers can be tough.
The one yesterday was mostly ok. The teacher did make some comments that really got under my skin and they were the first thing that came to my mind this morning.
Her comments were that this student doesn't have a way to communicate (which she gave lots of examples contradicting that - people have a very narrow definition of what communication is). She also made a comment just to me about how passionate the last person in my job was about making sure kids had access to assistive technology devices.
*sigh* Those comments did hurt me. I am not any less passionate just handle the situation differently AND I am still relatively new to understanding the way this district handles these situations. My experience also is that I will do all this work and she won't help implement the system in a way that is meaningful. The goal isn't a specific object but rather that the student has meaningful interactions.
I will do my best today but sheesh. I am so tired of other people.
As I was driving to work, I was bothered by a question I had asked myself yesterday- "Why am I able to build relationships with students but struggle with building relationships with other adults?"
This morning I was looking through a file and saw a reminder about my role not being to "fix students". And it became clear - I enter into interactions with other adults and when they say/do something that I find hurtful, my instinct is to "correct" and "fix it." I may be coming from a place of wanting them to be better informed, but my intention is to "fix." All this is to say I think I can approach my work with others adults differently.
Today a student told me he hates school. I asked him why and he said it is because of his teacher. I know that she doesn't want him in her class and she makes his life difficult. I felt grateful he said that, but also really sad for him. I can tell other people but I don't know that anything will be done.
Today I also had a parent meeting that a previous version of myself would have been so triggered by. The parent was understandably upset because her child is being bullied at school. Her body language and words were stressing my brain out - even though she wasn't mad at me, my old self would have assumed she was.
But I didn't (as far as I know) get too activated by her. I was able to stay present and hear what she was saying and separate myself. It made me sad to know that this student I love is being hurt by others.
This meeting also was the first one like this where I felt respected as a professional by my colleagues and by the parent. Unlike the meeting yesterday where my colleague was essentially calling me out in front of the family and questioning what I said and what I do.
That seems like a really potentially useful insight, Rainy, that perhaps will help make work a little less mentally draining. I hope it at least helps a bit. Aw those poor kids. Your job can be heartbreaking. It's so important but has to be really draining and sad too.
I appreciate your support Armee. :hug:
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I am exhausted today.
Too many off routine things this week. Too many new places. Too many people. Too much.
I am feeling so low about myself today.
well, i say pooh! to that teacher! so narrow-minded and short-sighted! ooooh, :pissed: rainy, i can feel the passion for your kids. it's there, it's solid, and most importantly of all those students know it, know they can rely on you. why else would any of them feel safe enough to come to you with such a heartbreaking statement about not liking school cuz of the teacher!
i went thru something similar (so so you know you're not alone in battling the 'traditional way' to deal w/ kids. my therapeutic skills were out of the norm, yet w/in a year i had kids lined up at my doorway every morning in order to dump any crapola that happened to them the night before in order to have a good school day. still, my therapy supervisor introduced me to another therapist there as 'this is San, our flaky therapist'.
did it hurt? you betcha. i carried it around w/ me for years. please, don't lose hope in what you do or how you do it. your approach is so kind, gentle, and humane - it's no wonder those children respond to you in a special, feeling safe kind of way.
i get it's not easy when people you work w/ aren't supportive. hang onto you and know you are right. the rest of them can go jump in a closet, have a time out till they're ready to play nice. love and hugs, rainy.
San, thank you. I struggle with myself - I know I don't approach things like others di and I berate myself for it. But if I remember that I am autistic/neurodivergent, it makes sense I would approach differently and connect especially with those students when I do things affirming to them. Every day I have an interaction with a student that I know means a lot. I continue to feel so lousy in my interactions with other adults though.
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I had a day where several students wanted to express themselves through drawing and I let them. It helped them express difficult experiences.
I continue to have fundamental differences with the colleague I share caseload with at one of my schools. I feel so lame in comparison to her. I don't feel like I do my job "right" compared to her. And yet in my heart I do what seems right to me.
This week has been exhausting.
I am still tired.
Burnout maybe. Hormones too. Just tired.
I will be evaluated by my boss soon. I try to say things she wants to hear. I know I don't do my job the way others do. I feel like I shouldn't do this job anymore.
On a bright note there is this young student in a supported classroom that has become very attached to me. He looks for me everyday and sat by me for a long time while I was in his class. It is so sweet - we just click.
And yet that doesn't matter to anyone but me. It also isn't enough to keep me feeling well and safe in my work.
Tomorrow I am running a 15K event. I hope to finish and have a nice time.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 13, 2022, 04:56:35 AM
please, don't lose hope in what you do or how you do it. your approach is so kind, gentle, and humane - it's no wonder those children respond to you in a special, feeling safe kind of way
:yeahthat: Who you are and they way you do your job is very significant in the lives of some of your students. You may be their one light in their days. I'm sorry that work is so hard and stressful and that you are not supported.
Thank you Not Alone. I am very conflicted about work and I appreciate your support.
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I finished my run today - it ended up being longer than 15K which annoyed me a bit. I had misunderstood the availability of snacks and water along the trail and given that it was a longer run than expected, I ran out of food and water. I was ok, but it felt a bit triggering to be unprepared.
I also ended up with a running buddy. I noticed a person in front of me that had an orthopedic disability and she seemed unsteady on the hills we were on. She was also from out of town and felt unsafe on the trails. I know it isn't my responsibility to take care of another person, but I wasn't going much faster than her generally. Her daughter ended up finding her for the last part which I am so curious to know how she managed as it scared the heck out of me. This interaction has left me feeling weird and I wish I had just gone around when she offered.
While running, I began to have memories of all the sports my family forced me into. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. I always felt out of place and it was just another area where my parents' abuse played out. For me and my siblings. My parents also always made it seem like it was such an inconvenience to them to show up to my events (of things they insisted I do). And as I got older, they stopped showing up. I realized my husband going with me today was triggering that feeling - he went to support me but all I could feel was my parents' disgust with me.
I enjoy challenging myself for these runs. The competition aspect of it is difficult for me as I am by no means actually a contender to win. I do it to have something to work towards, to get myself outside, and to stay active. My default state is to stay on my couch and live in my head. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I do judge myself.
I'm not sure what all of this means. I am feeling more disconnected from myself than I have for a while. Which makes me sad and feel like I am slipping back into unhelpful ways of being.
my dear rainy, hearing about that paradox around sports - your parents insisted, then showed little support (even if they did show up on the benches) was heartbreaking. those kinds of thing can make us so confused and give us a misshapen sense of our selves. i know that experience, and i'm very sorry you've had to go thru it. it makes sense that you feel the way you do simply because your approach is different.
look to the results, ok? they tell you that what you're doing, the way you're doing it is just right for the kids. and it makes sense to me that your perspective on all this is different because of the way your brain is wired (similar here). however, these work environments, interactions w/ the adults, seem to be taking a great toll on you. maybe you've got some deeper thinking about it ahead.
congrats on finishing your run. i'm glad it's something you find helpful for yourself. love and hugs :hug:
You say that you are feeling disconnected from yourself. It sounds like you had a lot of feelings, memories and insights on you run. Maybe your brain/body needs a little break from all that and is dissociating a bit. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you San, I haven't thought about all of that stuff in years. It continues to amaze me all the things I've held on to. I think I'll reflect on this a bit below. I appreciate your support in my work - I do have some things to consider. I'll reflect more on that too.
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Not Alone, I appreciate that offering of dissociation. I think I am tired and my brain and body do want a break. I will try to give myself that as I think some deeply held habits and thoughts are trying to take over. I appreciate your insight.
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Here is another Sunday and another week of worry ahead.
I am in an odd place within myself and I don't really have words for it.
I know change is coming for me in how I live and work. It isn't here yet and I am impatient. I would quit if I was really in trouble. Right now I am just more aware of all the stuff I don't like and am asking myself why I put up with it. I am also triggering myself with the worry I am acting entitled (which I was constantly punished for growing up).
The memories of sports brought up a memory of me doing what I loved when I was little- reading. Both of my parents approached and were so concerned I was spending all day inside reading. They insisted I go outside. So I used to walk to the library and read there.
Looking back now, I see how I was often bullied by others. I didn't fit in and I don't know if my parents understood how stressed social interactions made me in addition to all the stuff they put on me. This includes all the sports they made me do - I can clearly see the faces of several coaches giving me a hard time for not understanding or being odd. It sucks.
I am grieving for myself right now. I was never allowed to be me. I trying to do that now and yet have a lot of hurt to still feel.
Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you a supportive hug :hug:
Actually I smiled when I read that you used to walk to the library and read there, when your parents insisted you go outside rather than reading at home. I see an independence of spirit right there, and I'm glad you pursued your wish to read in that way. Although I am also upset at your parents for pushing you in the way they clearly did.
I am so sorry that you were bullied by others in that way.
I wish that you had been allowed to be 'you' - and I support you in being yourself. You deserve to have that - to be you.
:hug:
Hope :)
Hope, I appreciate your support and care. I am glad for time to be me as much as I can now. It is surprising when these memories come up. I am glad my younger self still walked to the library. ;D
..........
I woke up last night around 2 am, too warm, feeling triggered. I don't know why. I had a lot of trouble falling back asleep. My brain was reeling. My biggest worry has been bending a rule I know others must bend because there is no way it can be carried out. I eventually fell back asleep and had the most intense work stress dream I've had in a while. I woke up disoriented and tired.
Today has been weird. Lots of folks were out sick today and it just created a lot of shifts in the day. I have decided to just do my thing and try to not be so pleasing to other adults (whom I can't please anyways). I need more skills before I can build relationships with other adults.
I did have a positive conversation with my boss today. I think she would support me in being the kind of speech therapist I want to be. Perhaps a different type of position I had talked to her about before would also be an option at some point. For now I cannot get ahead of myself.
gentle hugs, rainy.
I hope your boss is supportive, that can help a lot sometimes. Wishing you energy to get through the odd days and crummy sleep days.
Thank you CF - I think what I wish is that I could meet with my boss more often and be heard. That isn't necessarily realistic and I am playing a long game. I appreciate your support.
..........
I haven't felt well for most of today. I think the source is complex - poor air quality, stress, menstrual cycle, weird sleep, CPTSD, being around sick kids, etc.
I am noticing feeling stronger in myself and also distrusting it.
I am feeling worried about the poor communication in one of the buildings I work in. I am communicating poorly within the building too because no one is communicating well. I am trying but it isn't only on me to make this better. It is really triggering for me because of past experiences where people turn on me.
But I am stronger now - I know that this isn't working and it isn't my fault. I can only function as well as the environment allows. These folks are dramatic and petty and think small. I will try my best and am also trying to not own all the blame. This isn't the right fit for me. I will either request a different placement next year or find a new job.
I know I matter to the students I work with. I am blown away by this little one who is obsessed with me - he copies my body position and wants to be around me the whole time I am in his classroom. It is such a privilege to hold that kind of place in a little one's day. He was really sick on Monday and I am not sure will be at school tomorrow when I spend a long time in his classroom. The other kids in that class love me too and I care about them. I struggle with their teacher. I hope my presence will serve as a learning opportunity for the adults in that space.
rainy, your strength, confidence in yourself, and being you are all growing - i'm seeing the progress and i hope you can realize it as well. i know some of this stuff just takes time (like grieving, or trusting a decision for yourself) but some of it just needs to be got thru and some of it takes practice. not taking the blame for skewed communication, knowing it's not your fault that it's not working out - all signs of greater trust in you for you. keep up the good work, my dear :thumbup: love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your words and support.
..........
I am in such a foul mood this morning. Perhaps it is the other side of the feelings of strength yesterday.
I was ok and then did a yoga practice. In the practice, I started crying. And then feelings I think I've been pushing down came up.
I am not exactly sure why I am so frustrated but I am. Navigating so many situations at work that make me feel incompetent. Being told conflicting information and not having the support I need. Judgements and expectations from others.
Underneath lies my deepest worry about being found to be bad and unworthy. I just don't want to be at work today. It hasn't started off the best.
:bighug:
Thank you San.
........
I am low on energy tonight. Tomorrow is going to be a challenging day and I could use any good wishes or encouragement as I am struggling to provide it for myself.
Best wishes for as smooth a day tomorrow as is possible considering. :grouphug:
Sending best wishes for today, rainy :grouphug:
Armee & Phil, I appreciate your support. :hug:
..........
I made it through this work day. It didn't go like I expected.
Some of my issue last night is my husband told me he was leaving for a trip today. I knew he was going away this weekend and we never established when he was leaving. His announcement triggered me which didn't feel great. His leaving today actually made dealing with today a bit easier since I could just focus on myself coming home.
One of the things I was worried about was going to a school I don't work at to cover an evaluation of a student. I don't think people understand how hard it is for me to walk into an unfamiliar situation. I felt guilted into doing this because my boss directly asked. My contact with some of the school people was intense - they are desperate for help and I couldn't deal with that intensity. But, going there today was a pleasant experience. One good thing about going to other schools is seeing where I might fit better than where I am now. This place may be a contender - we'll see how the meeting I do next week to share my evaluation results goes.
Another thing I was worried about was a parent meeting planned for after school. The parent's primary language is not English. I have tools available to help bridge the language difference but I was not sure if the parent would come today. Well they did...and the meeting did not go as expected. She was deeply upset by a lot of things and took the opportunity of having an interpreter available to share them. They were appropriate things for her to share and it sucked how badly she's been feeling.
But the meeting was draining. I couldn't tell if the other people in the meeting were upset with me or just reacting to the parent's messages. I also didn't know how to end the meeting. The parent had really bottled up a lot of things and it just kept coming and coming and coming.
Right now I am trying to settle a bit so that I can go to sleep. I feel wrung out.
Glad you at least had a pleasant experience at a different school, rainy. I'm sure it wasn't easy with the non-English-speaking parent. She's probably at the least grateful that she was finally able to get all that across to someone. Sometimes we need to be heard, and you were kind enough to do that. Gentle hugs and energy for you.
Thank you CF. I will have more interactions with folks from that school this week and that will give more information. I am quick to see greener grass yet also quicker to trust my judgment when something doesn't feel right. I hope that parent felt heard yesterday- I had a hard time settling down last night after that.
..........
Today was a full day that I was glad to have to myself.
I will say my husband continues to baffle me. He responds to texts I send yet hasn't shared any information with me about how his trip is going or how he is. We've never had a conversation about all of this.
This is not a surprise and yet it also makes me feel like something is wrong with our relationship. He will be back tomorrow. He most likely won't tell me about his trip unless I directly ask. I found myself today imagining what he doesn't do in our relationship onto some mystery partner.
Beyond that I enjoyed my day. I was able to run outside - I had had to skip that for several days this week due to extremely poor air quality. Also running in the dark doesn't support my brain the same way running when I actually see my surroundings does.
I did a float today - I kept some lights on as last time I got turned around in the float pod and it freaked me out when I couldn't figure out how to get out. I think just having time to rest in there was helpful.
I heard from two friends today. One invited me on a trip she is considering next October. I am intrigued but also afraid. My life tends to focus so much around my husband and my cat. I have been wanting to take a solo trip. This may be a good thing to step more into myself. It also is causing me some stress at the thought of all the things I'd have to do. If it feels right to do, I hope I will take the chance.
For now I will read a bit before bed and hopefully sleep well.
I ended up staying up way later than usual last night. I wanted to finish the book I was reading. Doing that though threw off my sleep. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep and had some really disturbing dreams I can't quite remember.
Today I had moments where I just felt ok and like I could feel ok more of the time. I'm not as worried about going to work anymore. That may change again but it was nice to feel this way.
I think that may somewhat be because I was in a place where I could work on the Core Self worksheets I found on Neuroclastic. I realized that to other people I may say a factor of my identity is my job...but to myself, I don't identify with my job. There are aspects of what I do that feel core to me but the job and role itself are not me. This is helping me distance myself a bit.
We watched a show tonight where the pet of one of the characters died. It made me feel so sad as sometimes I think about the time my cat will die. She is still doing ok as far as I know but I know her time will come and I already feel a sense of her loss. It helps me remember to enjoy her while I can. She is a good cat for me.
I guess the week is moving along.
Today I have a presentation at work. I got a lot of positive feedback on it which caught me off guard. My critic brain is telling me people are surprised I am capable of giving a presentation for a variety of factors. I am trying to accept that they are simply giving me a compliment.
I also am in a weird place that I am trying to navigate. I have developed this "crush" on a person at work. I actually find it really embarrassing. Since being married, I have had "crushes" on celebrities or characters, but not on another person I see during the week. I am shaming myself for my feelings. I am not going to act on these feelings, it is just confusing.
I am feeling ok this week generally. I hope I am moving toward what will help me be me.
Trying to process something I learned today about a colleague.
I have a colleague that most likely has some type of narcissist personality stuff going on.
I worked directly with this person in the spring. She is part of the reason I didn't want to stay at that school.
So far this school year she has written an email to our bosses claiming I didn't do work assigned to me (which wasn't true).
A colleague just told me she goes around saying I slammed a door in her face. I have no memory of doing that...
Actually as I write this I may have some done something close to that the last day we worked together where she stirred up sh*t and triggered me. I don't remember slamming a door in her face but I did lose my cool with her...which had a lot to do with her own behavior and actions.
I am struggling with how she is acting. She is not a well person and I don't think any of this is reflecting poorly on me. I am struggling with her attempts to drag me down. It makes me feel sick.
Congratulations on the positive feedback on your presentation, Rainy. :grouphug:
It's so difficult to navigate such a difficult person in a work environment. Do you think other people know she has those types of issues? If so they likely take the things she says with a massive grain of salt.
Thank you Armee - other people are aware of how this person acts and I think it reflects poorly on her. I am planning to distance myself from the person that keeps telling me what this lady says about me. It isn't doing any of us any good.
.........
I haven't felt very well the past two days. I am worried I am sick.
I am also admitting something very huge to myself today.
I am asking myself for real if I want to continue to be married.
I am going to seek out supports as I try to answer that question.
I feel heavy in myself as I put that question out there.
It also makes me really, deeply sad.
Hugs, rainy. That is a very complex question to ask. We're here for you as you think about it. :grouphug:
Thank you CF :hug:
........
I am not feeling well today. I plan to try to rest the best I can. I can't seem to get comfortable which is making rest difficult.
The question I wrote yesterday has been on my mind for a long time and I just haven't written down.
The anniversary of my BIL's death is approaching. That was such a turning point in my life as well as my husband's. Things have been so different between us since then and I am having trouble understanding the changes.
The other part of this is that my BIL's death prompted the beginning of my understanding trauma and abuse in my own life. I am very different inside than I was three years ago.
I'm in a place of really actually asking what I want and need generally. I will need to find a way to talk to my husband about all of this. That is some of why this is harder - talking to him often isn't helpful.
I am going to rest now.
That's a big, deep question you're asking yourself. :hug: :hug: I'll try to be here is all I can say.
Quote from: rainydiary on October 29, 2022, 12:46:23 AM
I am also admitting something very huge to myself today.
I am asking myself for real if I want to continue to be married.
I am going to seek out supports as I try to answer that question.
I feel heavy in myself as I put that question out there.
It also makes me really, deeply sad.
That is really big. It takes courage to ask yourself that question. Take all the time that you need to answer yourself.
sending support and best wishes as you sort through so much rainy. :hug:
Thank you all for the support - it is really reaching my heart. I don't feel very well today and don't have the energy to write individually, yet I know you all will understand that. :hug:
.........
I am not feeling my best still. I have definitely felt worse in my life and yet I am feeling a lot of anxiety over not feeling well. Because I don't understand why. I spend so much time around kids that perhaps I picked something up - but my symptoms don't make sense. My throat is sore and my stomach hurts from time to time and I just feel deeply tired. I am trying to rest but finding myself feeling incredibly distressed today over how I feel.
It is possible my body is dreading the next two months. November and December have become nightmares for me. I worry something is going to happen that will upend my life. But also the holidays generally wear on me. My husband also has a trip planned to visit his family - he'll be gone for a week. A part of me always worries he won't come back.
I am also appreciating for the first time how settled I felt in my old home - that must have been why my brain finally felt safe to acknowledge my past and the abuse and hurt I experienced. Right now I have a home but it is temporary and that is leaving me on edge.
I don't miss my old state and am glad we left. It never felt "right" living there.
I am also appreciating how much change has taken place in the past three years. I have done a lot of work to process what had accumulated over a much longer period than three years.
I feel on the verge of tears on and don't really know why. I've honestly been asking myself since my BIL died and the way my husband acted during that time if our relationship should continue. I am deeply hurt and angry at him. Still. I think a part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to stop pretending that being married to me (which his family clearly hates) is the life he wants.
I will say I have noticed myself getting better at identifying a need and telling him. He has tried to respond and has made some adjustments which I appreciate. I think there are a lot of other unspoken needs I hope to find the words for.
I will be meeting with a teletherapist in the coming weeks to help process. I recognize it is occasionally helpful to me to be able to say things out loud to someone that doesn't know me and I have a need for that. I am also planning to call a psychologist office that offers autism evaluations for adults. The trick is that this place is a 2 hour drive from where I live. But there aren't a lot of providers that complete assessments like this and it may be what I need to do.
hey, rainy, have you gotten tested for covid? just a thought.
lots of love and support while you figure things out. :hug:
Gentle hugs, rainy. We're here with you during these winter months. I agree, they can be hard. I hope you can in to get tested in a reasonable amount of time. Fingers crossed.
Sending compassion for these next hard months. And I bet driving those two hours each way will be worth it, though I wish there was closer testing. Getting help from a therapist too might help sort out these difficult feelings. I couldn't do it alone. I hope you find someone you click with.
Sending compassion too rainy :hug:
Good on you for getting better at identifying needs and telling your h. That is progress :applause:
Thank you all - I have taken some COVID tests and they have been negative. There is respiratory stuff going around kids though and I think my symptoms indicate that. I think that might be why it was harder to tell as it is mostly something going on with my lungs.
.........
I am home today. Exhausted, unable to get comfortable, sleep not really helpful.
I pushed myself to go to work yesterday because there was a meeting it would have caused trouble if I had missed.
The meeting was deeply triggering. Thankfully I joined through video call because if I had been in the room with that parent I would have not been ok.
The parent raised a lot of real and valid concerns. She is not a well person emotionally and psychologically based on things she said. She spoke from a place of being triggered. I want to help her but I don't think I ever will be able to.
The hardest thing she said is that one of my colleagues told her that the services I and another provider give are a joke. She didn't mean specifically me and the person currently doing the work, but in general her impression is that what we do is not valuable.
It is possible that some of that was the parent's interpretation...but based on things this colleague has said to my face, I am sure she said something along those lines.
It honestly evaporated my already small desire to continue working at that school. Assuming I am well enough on Friday, I have an evaluation meeting with my boss and will talk to her about that.
I'm glad I am home today and yet I also feel guilty. I hate being sick because everything feels a million times worse.
dang, rainy, i hate non-supportive colleagues! :pissed: they do nothing helpful for the community in which you all work, and they sabotage all the good and important work of others around them. plus they spew poison at the parents who would otherwise support you and recognize the importance of what you're doing w/ their children. this is not on you by any means, even tho i totally get how it makes you want to stop being there and around that kind of neg. intrusion.
all kinds of support for you, rainy, coming your way, as well as love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your reaction. I am taking the poisonous comments of that colleague so to heart and am struggling today. I appreciate your support.
.........
I slept relatively better last night than I have in several days but still feel sick. So I am at home again. My ICr is giving me trouble today.
I checked my email last night when entering my absence for today and wish I hadn't. Sometimes documents I write as part of a team are reviewed. I looked at the suggestions the colleague made for my sections and it really upset me. I wish I hadn't looked but also wanted to know what was in store for me when I finally feel well enough to work.
I am feeling so low about myself today. A lot of it is related to being sick. I am reflecting on how lonely illness can be. I am also being hard on myself and comparing myself to people living with chronic illness.
Mostly I just never felt supported when sick growing up. I was pushed to go to school even when sick. I was made to feel like being sick was somehow my fault. So I am sitting here giving myself a hard time.
And also feeling frustrated at the numerous sick children I have interacted with in the past several months which no doubt led me to where I am right now. I think that many families at my schools do not have the option of keeping their kids home when they are sick. I was starting to imagine what it would be like to be taught as a child that a temporary illness is a sign the body needs rest and care and to have support to give oneself that.
I am fortunate that I can take sick days and be at home. But I feel this pressure that I am letting people down. I also feel this knowledge (given that I have left jobs and have seen former colleagues move on in my absence) that there is nothing inherently important about me. This last comment isn't a dig at myself - just acknowledging that within the context of an organization I am "replaceable." I don't think I matter so little to the kids I work with, but to my adult colleagues I do.
Sheesh. I hope I feel better soon as I am not feeling very kindly to myself. Also upset that my husband and I will miss a comedy show that we had planned several months ago. And also feeling stressed that he will be leaving this weekend to spend a week with his family.
Hey. Hugs?
:grouphug:
I hope you feel better soon and I'm glad you are resting and caring for yourself.
I know you acknowledged this in your post...but you are not replaceable to the people who matter...the kids. The adults are just trying to do their jobs without actually caring about what matters underneath the tasks or the people underneath the tasks. You actually care about the kids and are skilled with them. That is worth a lot. I'm sorry you can't freely give that gift without the pain and suffering to yourself. That's a loss to all.
Thank you Armee. :hug:
.........
I am the vet waiting for my cat. They do curbside appointments. Part of me hates it because I can't see her and I don't know exactly what they are doing. But also being with her during checkups is often stressful and this way eliminates some stress. I hope they don't find anything big that needs to be addressed right now.
This is my first time out of the house since Monday. I am feeling more like myself. Not 100% but way better than I was.
I plan to go to work tomorrow and try to get done what I can. This month is weird with a lot of days off and half days for parent teacher conferences. It makes deadlines for me tighter.
I was reflecting today that while sick I wasn't able to do many of the things that help me feel good which may account for the increase in anxiety and depression I experienced over the past several days.
Rainy,
I hope your health continues to improve. I'm glad to hear you were able to get out of the house today. Good luck with all your parental interactions this week.
I can't come up with good words right now. Just want you to know that I am for you.
Also here for you with a gentle hug if you want one. Wishing you strength and more energy.
PC, thank you - I appreciate you checking in and providing encouragement.
......
Not Alone, I resonate with that and appreciate the support.
......
CF, I appreciate the hug.
........
I returned to work today and knew it would be a lot. It was. It wasn't the worst day ever, but a lot to take in one day.
Last night was the first night I slept without feeling a head full of mucous. It was hard to get up today. I think one more day at home would have been good but I felt better enough and had some appointments it felt important to keep.
I started off my day taking care of a lot of administrative things that just take energy but aren't necessarily hard. Just annoying.
Today I received a lot of feedback and it was hard on my heart today. What is hard for others to understand is how relentlessly my parents criticized me and left me feeling so inept. So when I get feedback at work I often don't take it well even if I appreciate the information.
My first student meeting of the day was awkward. As I was walking by the classroom of the student, I saw him and his teacher in a power struggle. He was trying to lift a chair and probably hit someone with it (which is not ok). He finally set it down and then he hit her (which is also not ok).
I wasn't sure if he was going to be available for a session so I went into the class to check. His teacher was basically like "get him out of here" and the looks on the faces of all the other students was heartbreaking. This is traumatic for everyone on so many levels.
This student is identified with having an emotional disability. I don't really understand what that means but usually interpret it to mean the student has some form of mental illness.
This student does challenge me but he and I have good sessions because I am able to give him space to make decisions for himself and regulate his nervous system. It doesn't mean our sessions are perfect because they aren't.
I tried to give him opportunity to share about what was going on this morning. His nose was running and I had a guess he probably isn't feeling very well. He did say he isn't feel well. And then he did bring up that he was having trouble logging into his computer. That clicked as he had tried to bring his computer with us to the session and I had said no.
We ended up going back to his class and logging into his computer. I taught him a trick he could use to double check his password. While we were working he broke out into a sweat and said "Why are my hands wet?" I was worried he was sick so we went to the nurse. His temperature was a bit low but not something she could send him home for.
So we went back to class. I told his teacher he worked hard for me which I worried I felt was gaslighting her. So later I sent her an email which I worry now was too much. I tried sharing what I learned today but wish I hadn't said anything.
No one's behavior is ok in this - I'm not even sure mine is. The rest of the day was just weird from there. I am wrung out.
:hug: :hug: So much of your thoughts and worries while you are working remind me of my own struggles. I also was criticised in the wrong way and far too much by my parents and one sib. I think there's a connection between the criticism then and what goes on in my head when I'm doing most things. It sounds similar for you.
Your day sounds really strenuous. I hope you can get some good rest now however that is best for you.
Thank you, BB. I am glad to have others that understand what unwarranted criticism can do to a person. I am doing my best to rest yet notice my thoughts running a bit so will try to get them out here.
..........
My husband left today for his hometown. I am glad for some time on my own but also struggle when he goes there. Everything his parents, most specifically his (s)mother (feeling angry and needed to take that jab at her), do is to try to convince him to "come home." I wondered today what/where he considers to be his home.
I am still pretty unsettled about my day yesterday. I am unraveling a lot these days and trying hard with relationships but it is difficult and often discouraging.
The part of the day yesterday that hurt me the most was my boss essentially told me I talked too much during the observation she did. I did talk a lot (mostly because of nerves) and feel so foolish. I often notice others talking too much and not giving my students space to speak.......and then I go and do it too. So I feel mad at myself for judging others for something I do too.
Reflecting today that I am deeply angry. I am really angry at other people. And probably at myself too.
I think I need to observe this a lot and be mindful around others.
to my mind, rainy, realization of something is the first step to making change - whether that's change in self or change in perspective. i hope you can get that anger out so as not to hurt yourself w/ it.
your work situation is so exhausting, i can only imagine what it must be like for you to be living thru it. i'm just glad you can get some of that out here.
glad you're feeling somewhat better. whew! keep taking care of you as best you can, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I appreciate the support. I appreciate the reminder of stepping lightly so the anger doesn't hurt me. Work continues to be something - it is exhausting.
..........
Today has been weird and this post will probably go all over.
The best thing I did for myself today was make an intake appointment with the provider than offers autism evaluations. The appointment will be on a video call which is fine - I didn't want to make a 4 hour round trip drive for a 1 hour appointment.
Yesterday I reached out on Facebook to a group of people in my profession for ideas on building relationships with teachers. I wish I hadn't though because generally the suggestions weren't helpful (sorry, I am not bringing other adults treats so that they will be nice to me). Whenever I make posts like this I realize that I am putting too much on myself - forming relationships is a multi person job and I can't do it all on my own.
The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was how deeply I slept. Then my brain starts dragging up the last job I left last year that ended in such a blaze. I still want to understand and feel like there is an explanation that will make all that make sense. It still hurts.
Work today was mostly fine - just too many ongoing and ever changing demands. It is always like that in this work but I'm especially sick of it today. The students were great as always, the adults exhausting.
I got home from work and realized an internet issue I was having this morning wasn't resolved. I tried all the things I know to do but ended up having to call as a message came up on my laptop that my household violated our terms of use and our internet was set to be terminated. After being on the phone for like an hour and calling 4 different people it was finally fixed. The whole situation sound made up and I was told a lot of stuff that didn't make sense. My favorite was the last person that I talked to that finally resolved my issue - their script had them say something like "Thank you for being delightful." Lol. I don't think I was delightful. I was proud of myself for handling but also wish I hadn't had that in my plate today.
There are a lot of other small worries but I am going to try to set them aside so I can prepare for bed.
I am feeling a bit after this day. I felt so vulnerable earlier and have this weird feeling now. I wonder if I was a bit triggered/activated earlier and now my thinking brain is back.
I had a weird interaction the other day I am realizing bothered me more than I thought at the time.
One of my husband's aunts messaged me the other day. I haven't spoken to her in years so getting the message was kind of weird. She sent me a video of her great grandchild interacting with a cat. Perhaps nothing in it but.........the timing is weird.
I can't help but feel it is deliberate. My husband is in his hometown - I think that is where she lives now too but I'm not sure. His family has this habit of trying to pull me in when I don't "act right." I'm sure they will just say "oh we miss Rainy." Uh......no you don't. You don't know me. You just don't know what to do with someone that opts out.
I'm not sure if I reflected on this here but the other day I made the connection of how important the house we used to own was to me. It was having that space that was our own where I think I finally felt safe to finally face my past. I miss that home very much.
I'm not sorry we left that state and sold that place though. I didn't feel like that city and state were my home. I feel more at home where I am and will feel even more at home when we are able to buy our own home again.
My husband messaged me that he is coming home a day earlier than planned. I find that so intriguing. He is never very communicative whether in the same room or across the country but he has been more communicative this time around.
He and I have a lot of individual and collective issues but I am appreciating that he is growing and adjusting when I actually communicate legitimate needs. I can continue to work on defining and expressing that.
I resonated with a place no longer feeling like "home". Sometimes a change of location AND energy is needed. gentle hugs if you want them.
i agree with CF, rainy - some places just feel more like home than others. actually, for me, the road always felt like home. i love road trips, have taken quite a few in my life, alone and w/ others, and i've always felt safe there, free to be me, beholden to no one else (when i was alone). i miss having my car, miss not being able to drive. funny, how home can mean different things to different people.
i do hope you are able to get into a real home sooner than later, and it feels right and comfortable. and loads of luck w/ work. i know this is an ongoing issue for you, and i wish it would go away and let you do your job in peace. those kids respond so well to you. ugh! so frustrating! love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Thank you, CF - I think the last place I lived was like a waiting room. It was where I needed to be to face myself. But it never felt like where I wanted to be for always. I welcome hugs.
.....
Thank you San - I have enjoyed road trips too. My feelings of responsibility to my cat make them complicated these days. I am feeling a desire to travel more but the energy required to show up at work these days takes everything I have. I appreciate your support.
..........
I am feeling calm today although I have worries.
My current worry is a weird email I got on Thursday at work. I had notified a supervisor of a deadline I would miss because I had received paperwork the day of the deadline. She asked me where the breakdown was in receiving the paperwork in a more timely fashion - I didn't know. She emailed me later in the week to say that the breakdown was not her office's fault. I feel like she sent that to cover the district's bottom and it makes me mad she sent it.
Generally I feel worried because the next month is going to be a lot. A lot of meetings I don't want to do. I will do my best. The month will go by quickly and a new year will be here soon.
Thinking about the difference having my own home made in my life has been interesting. It makes me realize how difficult growing up in a military family was. My family already had difficulty which all the transitions made worse. It makes sense to me that once I felt safe my brain started to say "let's address these things you've worked hard to ignore."
I think I generally don't feel like I am running away from myself anymore. Even when facing difficulties, I stay with it rather than bury it. I am deeply uncomfortable these days and not always ok. But I feel like the edges of me are becoming more defined - I am becoming more myself than I ever have been.
I am tired. My sleep schedule got thrown off with the time change. I live much further north than I have for a long time and the darkness is impacting me. I'm trying to embrace this as a time to move inward and be reflective but the darkness is taking a toll.
I started reading a book called Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. The character strikes me as a person living with CPTSD. I am intrigued by the book so far although worry it might be a heavy read in ways I can't explain.
rainy, i can relate to the time/light-dark changes. i'm much farther north now, too, than mexico, and it just sort of knocks me off my inner timing somehow. this autumn time change isn't too bad for me, but the spring change can put me out of whack for a week. just letting you know you're not alone w/ this kind of thing.
congratulations on being able to stay w/ yourself and what's going on w/in you, emotionally speaking. i'm still finding that difficult to do, so i'm really glad to hear when others find a way to do that. :thumbup:
i didn't like the tone of that email, either. CYA, is what it sounds like to me. you have a right to be mad about that. it just sounds shady. so sorry you have to continually put out these fires at work. you don't deserve that. love and a hug full of support for the coming tough times. :hug:
I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your home, Rainy. I know what it feels like not to have a place to come to that feels comfortable and safe. Last year I was living in a house that was in a very bad condition (the oven wasn't working, the carpets were terribly stained, everything smelled, and sometimes it rained from the ceilings) and it was a horrible time. Even when at home I could never feel relax or settle down because I was constantly feeling uncomfortable and it greatly aggravated my anxiety and depression.
So, I'll keep my fingers crossed that the situation will improve soon. You certainly deserve a place where you can feel peaceful and at home. Maybe this will also help you relax after work and take your mind off all the worries you are experiencing with your colleagues. Constantly having to worry how you are perceived at work is very difficult and I really feel for you! Other people don't always realise what tense emotions and toxic shame an email like this can cause in someone with CPTSD but it's good to hear you are more able to face things like this head on without running away. Well done! That's not an easy thing to achieve!
I wish I was a little more like you because I have so many issues at the moment and I just feel like hiding in my room all day...
Understand feeling upset that the district's email was about being defensive instead of supportive and helpful. I'm sorry they weren't supportive.
Quote from: rainydiary on November 13, 2022, 01:55:09 AM
I think I generally don't feel like I am running away from myself anymore. Even when facing difficulties, I stay with it rather than bury it. I am deeply uncomfortable these days and not always ok. But I feel like the edges of me are becoming more defined - I am becoming more myself than I ever have been.
Hi Rainy,
This is really great that you've noticed these things - it sounds really good.
I have also read the book about Eleanor Oliphant, and I thought it was a really nice book to read, and I remember I did take some notes, which means that I related to things that were said in the book. I hope you enjoy it and get things from it that are helpful/enjoyable.
Hope :)
I loved opening my journal today and seeing responses - I am a bit low on energy but want to respond some:
San, I appreciate the understanding of the darkness and shady colleagues. I'll write more on that below.
.....
Milkandhoney, I appreciate you sharing with me and I appreciate your understanding especially of a home that doesn't feel right. I honestly want to stay in my home all the time - if it wasn't for work, I wouldn't leave my house much. I am still trying to understand so much about myself and also accept myself. I am here walking the path with you.
.....
Not Alone, I appreciate the validation that this is weird. I don't feel supported and that is heavy for a lot of reasons as it is how I felt growing up too. I appreciate you checking in.
.....
Hope, I am rather enjoying Eleanor Oliphant. It is sad but I am glad to read it as it is giving me images and ways to think about my experience that I find interesting. I appreciate your support.
..........
I am really worn out by today but wanted to jot down some things that happened today.
I had responded to that supervisor to say that the parent advocated for their child and I had wanted to say that the process must be inaccessible or this parent wouldn't have had such difficulty (for all I know this parent didn't screw up and they are just telling me she did). I wish I hadn't responded- the person responded again....like she had to get in the last word. I didn't really read what she read closely because it is just disingenuous.
Tonight I went to a meeting to learn about information I will need to share with my colleagues. I found the meeting extremely triggering- it was about student mental health. That is a topic I find important but the way the information was delivered and the particular people I was sitting around made me upset. We had to do an "ice breaker" talking about the holidays. Everyone was going on about how they love family and the holidays. I chose to say that family is my least favorite thing about the holidays and someone asked me to elaborate and I said no. Family and the holidays are not pleasant for everyone.
During a break, a person in my group and I were in the restroom at the same time. She started asking me about my running which I had mentioned in the group. She then launched into this thing about how she is fat and used to run but it got to be too much but that she used to be thin like me and now she isn't. It was the most bizarre thing. I would guess I triggered her by talking about running and saying family sucks and she felt compelled to make comments about my body and hers as well as tear down my coping strategy with some weird comments.
Today was just generally hard - I spoke truthfully about a student and felt like I shouldn't have. And then I couldn't speak up about the experience of people with disabilities when it came time because I am worn out. I am struggling with how my communication feels Iike such a mismatch.
I hope sleep helps.
I'm so sorry, Rainy, it sounds like this meeting was very difficult for you.
I've been working in education for the last 3 years and I have often found meetings like this extremely hard to get through, so I completely understand how much of an emotional turmoil it must have caused you. Part of me always wants to speak up about all the things these people are getting wrong, while the rest of me just wants to vanish into the ground, so I can appreciate how hard it must have been for you to sit there and wonder what to do.
You're probably right that the other person felt triggered somehow about her weight, but it still doesn't give her the right to talk to you like that in the restroom. It sounds like an extremely awkward situation, however I do thing that you managed it really well considering everything that has been going on.
I just feel so sorry that you have been struggling this much, but I don't really think that your communication is a mismatch. I've had this issue so many times myself, because people feel like they are experts somehow even though they have very little or no personal experience with topics like mental health or disabilities, so it's almost impossible to get them to consider different viewpoints.
You were doing what you felt was right for the student and given your understanding of mental health issues etc. I do believe that you were certainly on the right path there, but everything in education is so stuck that people just end up following ingrained procedures rather than honestly considering what would be the best solution for the student. So, please, don't blame yourself for that, I know you were trying to help and that is the only thing that would matter to me. Maybe your supervisors can't always appreciate that, but you know that your intentions were positive, so you can be proud of yourself for doing that you felt was the right thing.
At any rate, i hope things will get better for you soon!
I hope sleep helps too. you deserve to be happy ;)
hi rainydiary
Just want to send some support your way.
I've had some difficulties responding to you lately to be honest... but only because my young part wishes he had someone like you when he was in school.
I'm sorry the work you do is so difficult, but I thank you for the kindness and empathy you show, and wish it wasn't at such a great cost to yourself.
:hug:
Thank you Milkandhoney - I appreciate the perspective and understanding of working in education. I processed more of that experience today and may reflect more below. I appreciate your support.
.....
Larry, I appreciate you checking in. I did sleep but it wasn't as long or as restful as I would wish. I hope we all get some rest soon.
.....
Phil, I appreciate your words. I hope I make a difference for some kids - I wish I had a grown up show me care too when I was little.
.........
Today was exhausting. My schedule of students is hard emotionally on Tuesdays. I felt present for them but it took a lot of out of me today.
I thought I would write more today than I think I am actually up for. I am too tired in my brain.
I'll write more another time.
yeah, i understand being 'too tired in my brain' - it's just there and i think the best thing for it is some rest, rainy. i do hope you get some, and i can't find enough words for how upset i am for you that you have such a(nother) toxic work environment. so sucky. love and hugs, my dear :hug:
Thank you San - today was a lot. I appreciate coming here and having the support of you and the others.
........
I need to get thoughts out about this day.
Today and the rest of this week are parent teacher conferences. This means students come in the morning and the afternoon is for classroom teachers and parents to meet. This ruins my schedule with students.
The morning was mostly ok - I got some paperwork done.
Then about 1 pm things hit the fan in succession.
I got an email from a teacher colleague for a meeting on Monday. I already had a meeting planned which I planned last month. She claims she "forgot" to send out a meeting invite until today. We were able to reschedule but this was some garbage.
Then I got a random email from a school psychologist that I am needed to help with an evaluation of a private school student. Part of my duty is to provide support to private schools in our area. This is annoying but it is what it is.
Then I tried to use the bathroom. There seems to only be one bathroom with one toilet for adults working at this time. So as I'm waiting, a teacher opts to share something with me that she really should have emailed me about. Some parents are upset with me about something that fell through from last year. I'm not surprised this is happening. I sent out an email to our central office to see if there is paperwork submitted for the request the parents are unhappy about. They claim they don't so now I have to start over. In haste I emailed this family. My intention was to say I was not aware until now but will figure it out. I am worried that it will just upset them further. At this point I'm not sure I can do anything as they are already upset and will be. I did find out today their frustration began before me but now I will take heat.
Then I had to go do some parent meetings which were ok but just another demand.
I will say that a previous version of myself would have been destroyed by that series of events. I am still shaky but I am holding it together. I think because I know how it feels to feel frustrated and stuck and unsupported leaves me space to give to others and not take it too personally.
The events of yesterday weighed on me more than I realized. I woke up full of anxiety much earlier than I needed to today and could not settle back into rest.
The situation that is getting to me is the one with the parents that are mad about their student and the missing paperwork. I have come to understand that I overlooked information available in this student's electronic file. I am still learning the system and how to access information. I am feeling incredibly defensive though. There were several people that were involved in all of this last school year, including the parents, that could have made this clearer to me. It makes me worried that someone said something to me and I just didn't pick up on.
What's eating at me is that is going to fall on my shoulders at work. It is going to be "my fault." I will of course take steps now to course correct. But I am feeling so lousy. And there is nothing I can do about it at 4 am.
I am so, so sorry about this, Rainy. Your words suggest to me that you really care about this student (and all of the students in your care, really!) and that you would do anything in your power to make amends for this situation.
It sounds to me as this is not any one person's fault or mistake and that a great many people share responsibility in this case, but I hope that the student and their parents will eventually be able to see how much you really care and that you honestly try to do what is best for the student.
What is more, I hope that you will be able to realise the same thing: that you've always given your very best to support your students and that you do not need to feel lousy about yourself because you only had the very best intentions and mistakes happen sometimes.
Take care, Rainy. I am always here if you want to talk more about this and just discuss your worries in more detail. I understand how difficult it is to navigate all these things when you're working in education and I hope you'll find a way to move forward
Milkandhoney, I appreciate your words and the reflection that this is bigger than me. I agree. I am definitely reacting from a place of being blamed in the past for similar things. I care very much about the students I work with. Each day in my work I find blind spots and learn something new. We all need each other and I wish people at work would work with me and not against me. Thank you for your support.
.........
Well I made it. I am exhausted and don't feel my best but I made it through the day.
I didn't hear anything from that family. I spoke a colleague and we figured out we need to do more to support this student. So I sent a follow up email and included more people.
I feel vulnerable for the second email I sent. I tried to be clear and factual and lay out the next steps. That is all I can do at this point. It feels like it might all blow up in my face.
I did have a positive interaction with a teacher today. She reached out to me with questions. She seems like a person I could collaborate with. It will give me the chance to explore and practice different skills.
I hope to sleep better tonight. I am feeling so drained by the past several weeks and months. I feel like I need to cry but tears haven't really come. I'm not sure what needs to come out.
Something I keep meaning to write about but keep forgetting: over the past weekend I had a haircut. I like how the stylist cuts my hair. She is a generally nice person and I don't mind her salon (it's a home based business). I told her how my husband was away at his family's for the week and she asked, "Are they offended you didn't go?" Really didn't appreciate that question.
Yeah, I'm sure they were offended but that doesn't mean I have to play all their games for the sake of "family" when nothing about visiting them is good for me. I do what I can to participate within reason of what I can handle. I often feel guilty about this because people don't approve. But I can't let them destroy me.
I have felt a lot of stress about my relationship with my own family. It is so weird these days and disconnected. It felt wrong when we were all together and it feels wrong now that we are all spread out essentially estranged. I don't know how to handle it all. My parents show themselves capable of traveling to see my brothers because they have children. They don't visit me because I don't. It often occurs to me that my parents don't particularly like me. I don't particularly like them either. So why is this so complicated?
I'm so sorry, Rainy. It seems like you have a lot going on, not only at work but also in your personal life.
I think it is good that you are setting some boundaries and honouring your own feelings. If visiting your husband's family is hurtful for you then you have every right to stay away from them and take care of yourself.
I know how easy it is to blame yourself for setting boundaries and going low contact with certain people in your life. I am currently experiencing the same thing as I am trying to minimise the contact with my own parents. I don't really want to lose them because they are the only two people in my family who take even the slightest interest in me, but I have realised that the contact with them is stopping me from healing, so I am trying to be mindful of my own feelings.
Even if setting boundaries might offend some people in your life, I believe that you have every right to limit contact with them and only participate to the extent that you can handle. There's no need to feel guilty about this, although (of course) this is easier said than done. A lot of us have been raised to take on the blame for everything that happens, but if we could look at the situation more objectively I think it would be clear that things are not actually our fault and that we do not deserve to feel all this shame and guilt.
Take care of yourself, Rainy. I'm thinking of you and hope things will get better soon
I hope you got some sleep last night.....
I resonate with these difficulties at work rainy. Gentle :hug: :hug: if helpful.
I find it difficult too to navigate what others expect family relationships to be. It adds complication to an already complicated situation. Happy weekend. I hope you have some time to recharge with what feels good.
Milkandhoney, I appreciate your reflection and support. Thank you for the encouragement.
.....
Thank you Larry, I slept a lot better last night.
.....
Blueberry, I appreciate the care. I want to walk away from it all. It is a lot. I feel good to know others can relate.
.....
Armee, I appreciate you sharing that. I don't why know someone reflecting my experience back to me through their filter can make me question myself so much. Thank you for the wish - I hope the weekend recharges.
.........
Today was okay. I feel hyped up and unsettled though. I had a lot of uncomfortable interactions.
I had a disappointing conversation with a colleague that I've really enjoyed building a relationship with. She got really short with me and then offered to help me (when I have way more experience working in schools than she does and our roles are so very different). I now feel like I need to hold back in interactions with her. It occurs to me that I might have triggered her today given what I know of her history. But it just feels terrible.
I had a lot of weird random interactions with staff today where they say something like "oh I get you and so and so confused." It also annoys me that if people don't know who I am and they wait to tell me things until they randomly bump into me in the hallway what they would do if they didn't see me. It's just a weird dynamic.
Then I overheard two of the folks involved in the big family drama talking. One person seems to think she has a lot more control over things than she does. And the student's teacher is driving me nuts. She feels the need to talk to everyone about everything. They didn't call me into the conversation so I just kept walking. But it made me feel weird.
I had a medical appointment after work so the doctor could do a Pap smear. I find gynecological care so invasive and uncomfortable. My doctor is very trauma informed and asks if I would be more comfortable with another person in the room and explains what she is doing. But the sensation is just yuck. And her trying to have small talk with me while she is doing the procedure is just too much.
I hope I can rest this weekend. I leave my job every day like I haven't done enough. I am noticing my body feels like I might be switching back into a hypervigilant mode which I hope I can find ways to manage.
I am much earlier than I care to be as my cat pestered me this morning.
I am in a tough place right now. My nervous system is overwhelmed. No matter how much self care I participate in, all the stuff with work, my commute to work, and where I currently live limit my ability to relax.
I think I am also still feeling the impact of moving. The weather and daylight changes are also taking a toll.
I know I will find my way as I have before but right now I am toast.
Hi Rainy,
I am thinking of you and sending hugs if you want them :hug:
Sometimes it's hard to cope when so many negative things happen at once... I know how overwhelming that can feel but you're strong and I'm sure you'll find a way eventually
Just take care of yourself and try to get some rest
I appreciate your support Milkandhoney.
........
Today when I was running I made the connection that I am still not ok after that happened in my last job before moving. It was really the day where my "colleagues" blindsided me with an unwelcome and inappropriate and undeserved conversation. I have not been ok since that happened.
Acknowledging this today felt important. It doesn't change or make easier any of the stuff going on right now. In fact I am terrified the past will repeat itself. I think I am still blaming myself for what happened.
This makes me so sad and so tired. I did have times of my brain taking a rest today. But generally I feel a ton of emotion and thought stirring and churning and simmering and cooking up who knows what.
that was quite the large realization you had, rainy. no wonder your feelings and emotions are all over the place - and yeah, that's exhausting. i'm glad you came to it, tho. i think you'll be able to grieve it now, which is always a messy part of this process. please, be gentle w/ yourself while you go thru all this, ok? sending love and hugs :hug:
I'm really sorry to hear that, Rainy.
I know what it's like to feel unwelcomed and blindsided at work and I am sorry for everything you are going through. Being treated like this by your colleagues can really affect you and make you doubt yourself and everything you do, but I also know that you never deserved to be treated like this.
It pains me how quickly others judge people like us and start criticising all our actions without ever considering what might be going on in our lives. Yet, I know (and I think you know, too) that you are a great person who is always giving their best and really cares about the students, so I really hope that things will get better and that you will get to recover from all the things that happened in this and your previous job.
I'm thinking of you and wish you strength
Gentle hugs, rainy. It really is awful when something affects us after the fact and is hard to name. Hopefully now that you've realized what bothered you, it might shine a light on what to work through. We're here for you as you do.
Thank you all - I'm running low on energy today and not able to respond as much as I would like.
........
Today was really long - I had three parent/team meetings each of which challenged me in different ways.
What I am noticing is I get through the day and when I get home I crash. I can't quite get to the bottom of what is going on but I think it is a variety of things: longer commute to work than I've had for several years, working in elementary schools, being the sole person in my job at one of my schools, a very noisy work environment that I can't make less distressing to my nervous system, a temporary home that is also noisy.
People also continue to be so sick at work around me. I have had continued congestion since being sick but haven't felt unwell. I really don't want to get sick again.
I am also frustrated at myself for the level of distress I feel. I try to advocate but the things bothering me make very little sense to anyone at work. And given past experiences with speaking too openly at work and having it blow up in my face, I am holding back.
rainy, i think you solved your own question. holding back is exhausting, fighting against the system you find yourself in is exhausting, working w/ undermining colleagues is exhausting. i'm not surprised one bit that you come home and crash. i hope you can take care of yourself as best you are able. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San. I am feeling a bit better today. I appreciate your support.
.........
So I just had an experience that has deflated me.
I joined a committee that I thought would be one thing but has turned out to be another. It is giving me experience presenting which I don't mind doing.
I emailed my boss a presentation I had given in my last job that I thought would help her prepare for her part of the presentation.
In her response she not only told me she no longer is able to do her part of the presentation (which I truly don't mind) but that someone else in my group is going to be presenting on a topic I speak openly about and feels very personal to me.
I am taking this very personally. I am not the only person in the world that can talk about this topic but it really upsets me that someone else is going to doing it.
I think the main reason I am deflated is because it feels again like I have people making promises they don't keep and this feels like a reminder that I don't navigate these systems very well.
Now my inner critic is giving me a hard time. I reflected that perhaps the person doing a presentation is presenting about a course she took.
I know it isn't personal and it isn't deliberate and yet my brain takes things so personal. I still struggle to see myself as valid and worthy and important.
yeah, trauma brain will do that. it's amazing how fast we can go from 0-100 w/ this kind of stuff. i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself, rainy. love and hugs :hug:
San :hug:
.........
I wish I could say that today was good or at least calm but it wasn't. I worked a shorter day today and yet it was the worst. Dealing with people and surprise emails that just straight up make me mad. I can rationalize and understand that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and with the understanding they have. But I am worn down and cannot catch a break.
I am not feeling well again. I have a cough and chest congestion. I don't feel the worst ever but also not great.
I am feeling upset about this because I was looking forward to this weekend. I have several fun things planned that depending on how I feel tomorrow I may not do.
I think stress may be keeping me sick.
It occurred to me this evening that I can't really remember the last time I had fun. It's been a while. My nervous system is too amped up all the time these days. I can't seem to find balance.
so very sorry you're sick, rainy. i don't doubt the pressure you feel at work has diminished your ability to heal. stress is a wondrous thing in that sense. ugh! i hope you feel much better soonest. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you San - I imagine it is stress and constantly being around lots of kids with various viral strains. I appreciate your support.
.........
I am at very low energy today. I think the days off from work have been good. But I am drained.
My husband has shown me a lot of care today and I have accepted his care.
My dreams the last several nights have been fueled by stress. My brain has been processing a lot. I sleep yet it hasn't felt restful.
I have three weeks of work until another break. Those weeks will be incredibly full. I'm trying to not think about it and yet I often am.
Tonight I have an event to go to which I hope will be enjoyable. I am caught off guard by how hard everything feels right now.
Gentle hugs, rainy. I hope sleep improves for you and that whatever you have tonight is good. It's hard to enjoy things when sleep dysfunction adds to everything else.
Thank you CF - I appreciate the care.
..........
I had a troubled night of sleep but made it through the day. I am still not feeling the best but hoping my body heals soon.
The transition back to work especially after several "off" weeks was tough. This will be the first full week of work following a "regular" schedule in 3 weeks. I don't think I am taking time consider how difficult those different weeks are. I focus on "making it" to a break and not necessarily how to prepare myself to transition back. So then anxiety and depression kick in.
Recently as I was struggling to sleep or settle in, I saw how the "surprise" meeting I had in my last job really served to take away any feelings of dignity, agency, and confidence I had as a professional.
I imagine myself standing tall, on a rock, holding a hard earned trophy which represents a degree, hours of continued learning, and lived experience. Because my trophy made my "colleagues" feel small, scared, I don't know what, they opted to sneak up on me, knock me down, grab the trophy out of my hands, throw it in the ocean, and give me something to hold that they felt more comfortable with.
If I hang in with this visual, I see that I am still holding that piece of garbage they gave me. They tried tricking me by forging my name on it. They thought that because I was battered throughout my childhood, I would be grateful to them. But all they did was add to my pain, use my voluntary openness against me, and hold up a trick mirror that reinforced decades of trauma that left me feeling like I am broken and disgusting and incapable.
Part of me is still grasping the garbage they gave me. Part of me is waiting for them to apologize. But I am never going to hear from them. I am going to make my own way forward.
I had more realizations today but this post is getting so long so I will return to those another time.
Hi Rainy,
my mind has been a mess recently so I'm afraid I won't be able to write much as a reply, but I just wanted to say that your post resonated with me deeply. I know how degrading "surprise meetings" and observations like these feel and I found the image of the garbage trophy very intriguing (and very sad!). I am so incredibly sorry that your colleagues have made you feel broken and incapable, treating another person like this is never acceptable and especially not when they are doing their best to remain open and approachable after so much trauma in their lives.
I am thinking of you and hope your return to normal work hours will go well. I believe in you!
The resolve and intention here is powerful:
Quote from: rainydiary on November 29, 2022, 03:41:22 AM
I am going to make my own way forward.
I am so sorry they treated you in such a crushing way. To make someone like you - someone who cares about their job, and really cares about the kids, and really connects with the kids - feel incompetent it's just morally so wrong that they did that.
And I'm so sorry it has stirred up memory of past trauma. The words you used to describe the feelings surfaced are tough ones to feel.
Sending along some support for today's work day.
Hi Rainy
I really feel compassion for what you're going through at work. I know, logically, that people bully each other. In workplaces, families, neighborhoods, on the roads, and in stores...basically everywhere. What bugs me is that so many of us with C-PTSD were stripped of our ability to stand up for ourselves. At best, even when we do stand up for ourselves, we sometimes suffer great anxiety for having done so. I have hundreds of memories of standing up for myself at work or in the family, only to suffer so much anxiety, that I later apologized to the bully for having stood up to them. My brain knows that bullies bully everyone, but my heart takes it personally, and my Trauma response is to feel totally isolated and targeted and alone and helpless against the bullying being done to me.
I resonate with being given garbage trophies. Your workmates remind me of something I learned a long time ago, that there are two types of work environments: 1) is the jealous work environment that I worked in during my first 20 years in the industrial world. The goal of the work team was to reduce each member's self-esteem to the level of lowest common denominator. Like Junior High School. Some call it "the tall poppy syndrome", which describes a poppy field. Each flower is the same exact height. If any poppy rises above the rest, the farmer cuts it off so all poppies rise only to the level of the lowest common denominator. During those years, my company offered to pay full tuition for any degree program any employee wanted to take. Having been raised in a family that forbid me from going to college, I saw a chance. I took the opportunity, and right away, my peers...all of them...started calling me a "suck-up" who thought I was better than them. They started treating me poorly until I couldn't take the pressure and I quit the program. Then they were nice to me again. In fact, even when I did my job, and put my all into it, I'd often get pulled aside by a peer who would earnestly try to coach me by saying "You're working too hard. You're making us all look bad." That, to me, was a red, flashing siren, saying, "Stay down at our level or we're going to scold you."
I later left that job and took a transfer into the world of Engineering. The first thing I noticed...the massive culture shock of my life, was that in the community of engineers, 1) nobody felt they needed to know what kind of car I drove or how big my house was (so they could compare to see who had the best one) and 2) They expressed pride and encouragement in talking me INTO getting a degree on the company's offer, and they awarded and paid me extra for working as hard and competently as I darn well wanted to. Nobody ever said "you're making us all look bad" again.
In my first work environment, I was punished for working hard. In my second work environment, I was given kudos and awards and pay increases for working harder than most. It was not about me, it was about the team dynamics.
It sounds like you might be in a work team that doesn't want to see any tall poppies. (???) Meaning, this is absolutely NOT about you. It's absolutely about them and their daily fears that someone else's positive drive and success might expose their own fragile sense of ego.
Giving garbage trophies and giving your heartfelt presentations away to lessor involved teammates is also commonly called "putting you in your place" so they don't feel upstaged. When my dad refused to let me go to college, he would put me in my place by saying two things: 1) he thought kids who don't go to work directly out of free high school were just wimps who were trying to "milk their old man for 4 more years of childhood" and 2) If we wanted college, he used to angrily say to us kids, "You think you're BETTER than me?" (Dad's highest level of education was 2nd grade. Mom was the educated one who dropped out in the 5th grade).
If I'm missing the mark, I apologize. It's just that what you described about how you're treated at work, really resonates with me, and makes me feel like I did when I was going through similar things at my first job.
rainy, i'm smelling a lot of envy and jealousy from your colleagues, exemplified by that 'garbage.' how dare they take out their insecurities on you! keep knowing that what you do and how you do it is profoundly useful and wonderful for your students. again, so very sorry you have to put up w/ these people. argh!!! sending love and a hug filled w/ self-knowledge of how much you're worth. :hug:
M&H, I appreciate your words and understanding. For some reason a lot of folks I've encountered working in education remain extremely immature and the way people treat each other can be so unfortunate. Thank you for being on my team.
.....
Armee, I appreciate you noticing that resolve and for your support. I wish the past could stay in the past but trauma doesn't like to stay back.
.....
PC, I so appreciate your perspective. I hadn't thought of before that they were trying to "put me in my place." I think I was making them look bad/feel bad by being me and by having great connections with students. Why that needs to be torn down, I don't know. I think this perspective will help me find ways to move past this. Thank you.
.....
San, I appreciate that you see this - I never sensed those things but can see how that is a factor. Those emotions cause us to act in ways we might not otherwise but it doesn't excuse the pain caused. It's a weird thing that when you are on to something some people respond with takedowns. I appreciate you supporting me.
..........
I am hoping to get to bed soon. I've had trouble falling asleep. Whenever I don't run, I don't sleep as well. But I needed a break this week.
Today was weird and I think events of this afternoon may keep me up later than I would like.
We had a delayed start at school due to snow. Students arrived 2 hours later than usual. For some reason adults are still expected to show up to work on time. I didn't have any issues on my commute. The delay really ruined my schedule with students. Days that I don't see students are difficult.
After school I had a meeting with other people in my job role (speech language pathologists). One of our colleagues did a presentation about a conference she recently attended. I did reference this situation in a different post I think.
The information she shared is about neurodiversity and I am very familiar with many of the speakers and information she shared. As she spoke and as my colleagues processed their learning, I became extremely agitated. I became agitated because it was weird to have my colleagues speak about experiences I live every day in a detached, professional manner.
It isn't anyone's fault and I am glad she presented on the information. But I also feel mad. I've been trying to share about this topic because it is very personal to me. But because I don't speak about things in the "right" way or know how to "play the game" I am not heard. Some of my feeling is also probably a trauma response and also the realization that I have probably spoken about things I don't really understand in a way that might have hurt someone.
I opted to share with the group some of the thoughts I had come up. I don't think I was overly emotional and I think what I said was ok. But I was also dissociating a bit and feel disconnected from that time. My colleague texted me afterwards and I told her I was agitated. She apologized and we had this weird exchange of texts that has left me uncomfortable. She's uncomfortable with my truth, I'm uncomfortable saying what I said which caused discomfort, and yet it also isn't my job to fix discomfort in others.
I feel ridiculous right now. I think many people in my field mean well but don't realize how we can come across to people and how ableist and harmful we can be. I include myself in that. All of these feelings are why I question if I should continue to do this. I also feel pressure as a neurodivergent person to "stand up" for myself and other neurodivergent people. But that doesn't always feel right or suit me.
*sigh*
I hear you on that whole difficult day. Standing with you.
You say you feel ridiculous. Let me assure you that you are not ridiculous! That's an EF.
You don't
have to do anything that doesn't feel right for you or safe for you. In your own way you are already standing up for neurodivergent people all the time - writing on here and with your students. (I know you know you don't have to but sometimes it helps me when someone on here reiterates these things for me.)
Quote from: rainydiary on December 02, 2022, 05:09:12 AM
It isn't anyone's fault and I am glad she presented on the information. But I also feel mad. I've been trying to share about this topic because it is very personal to me. But because I don't speak about things in the "right" way or know how to "play the game" I am not heard. Some of my feeling is also probably a trauma response and also the realization that I have probably spoken about things I don't really understand in a way that might have hurt someone.
I doubt with your colleagues and all that goes on there that you've hurt someone. It's probably more along the lines of what PapaCoco wrote that you're being 'put in your place'. My thought based partially on my own experience is that it really 'just' is that you don't speak about things in the "right" way because what you know comes from the deep experience of trauma and traumatisation which is
quite different from learning about this stuff theoretically from a book, seminar, conference.
Wishing you peace of mind or at least less agitation. :hug:
Rainy,
I am so sorry the meeting went like this, you certainly deserve to be heard on this topic and personally I would have much preferred to hear someone talk from their own personal experience than have someone ramble on in a very detached way.
I have often experienced the same issues as you because I do everything from the heart and try to use a more personal perspective on things but it seems to me like people in education don't really value that.
I always had excellent relationships with students and some of them even asked to spend their lunch or break times with me because they enjoyed my company so much, but my colleagues and superiors somehow always criticised this as they thought I wasn't upholding professional boundaries. I think in their mind, people in education have to be very distant, demand respect at all times, and never show any emotions. That's what they have been told when they did they training and that's what they believe dearly, so when people like you and me come along who show up a different way, it tends to disturb them more than it should. And it's not that we are doing anything wrong by developing closer relationships with our students (to the contrary!), it's just that it unsettles their world views but because they don't want to question themselves, they need to externalise the blame and put us down.
We don't fit in their sterile robotic world and so they (consciously or subconsciously) try to edge us out but I hope that some day people will realise that our perspectives are valuable and that it's important to have a more personal view on things. I really wished people in education were able to open themselves up to people's own experiences and take into account the different world views that others might have, however it seems like there is a very long way to go till then.
Yet, huge well done for speaking up, it's so important that we try and fight for neurodivergent people to be heard in this way!
rainy, i agree w/ the idea of them trying to 'put you in your place'. and i agree w/ you that it's interesting how many people respond w/ takedowns when envy/jealousy is at play in their lives. again, so very sorry you have to go thru this w/ these people. there's no rational reason for it, no fault on your part, and no way to fix it, i'm afraid. keep breathing, ok? love and a hug full of support and encouragement to keep doing what works for you. :hug:
Gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy. I agree that their discomfort is their problem, not yours, but life isn't always so cut and dried. I think a lot of people feel pressure to "represent" when the topic comes up, but truth is, not everyone is the advocate/warrior type. Especially if our freeze/flight is invoked. Always here to listen when you need it.
Blueberry, I appreciate the recognition of an EF - I am not doing so well at spotting them in myself these days as they feel different than they used to. Thank you also for the reminder to do things in my way. I think I still wish I was very different from the way I am.
.....
M&H, thank you for understanding. I am also given weird conflicting information on boundaries but the feedback really seems to be "why do kids like you? Why do you let kids experience joy around you?" I wish education looked very differently too. It makes me sad.
.....
San, thank you for your words. I am finding ways to step back and realize when it isn't my work to do. It is really hard and I still mess up but hopefully in the long run it will offer more peace of mind.
.....
CF, thank you for the hugs. Real life is very messy and I will be untangling all of this forever. I think I will try to take the pressure off myself to be something I'm not - I am still struggling with identity and I think my work right now is clarifying that as much as I can for myself.
..........
I am still feeling off from yesterday and mad at myself for not recognizing EFs. I am expressing myself to my support system more effectively than in the past which helps.
Some of my problem yesterday was also just how our boss communicated with us during the meeting. After all that difficult conversation, she shared that we are still short staffed and they need us to do extra work. She said if we don't volunteer, we will be told to do it. I find this so frustrating on a number of levels but it isn't respectful in my opinion and violates people's boundaries.
I received a lot of demands and feedback toward the end of my work day which tends to set me off a bit. It is annoying that people wait until the end of a day on Friday to throw out bombshells. I got some picky, unwarranted, unhelpful feedback about a goal I wrote for a student in a document through a grapevine. I have been ruminating on this since it happened.
Part of me wishes I hadn't put myself out there yesterday. History has taught me it sets me up as a target. I want to be myself and I also want to protect myself. Working in places that disrespect boundaries makes that difficult.
A special memory though - I was walking and saw a student I work with. I haven't met with him as much as I am supposed to for a variety of reasons and feel like we are still getting to know each other. But whatever is going on must be working because he approached me and gave me a hug. It was very sweet.
hugs are the best, i hope you have a great weekend
I'm sorry that work continues to be so difficult and hurtful.
Hugs from a child are the best!
Thank you Larry and Not Alone. :hug:
..........
There is a meeting on Monday I'm really worried about and can't stop thinking about.
The parents are mad but haven't spoken directly to me about it. The speech therapist set up a plan with them last school year (in June or so) that they were really into.
Well, I was not aware of all the details and did not carry out something they were expecting to happen. They shared their frustration with the student's teacher at parent teacher conferences.
I have felt terrible about this since it happened. I obviously didn't do this on purpose - I am still learning how things are done in this job and where information is stored. Also, the student has been making progress and I don't agree with the other speech therapist's approach. She left me in a difficult position.
I have tried to make it right. All I can is move forward the best we can. But I dread the tone and how the meeting will go. I am trying to not assume how their demeanor will be. There will be other people in the meeting so hopefully we can all work together.
Just so you know and in case it's any help, I'll be sitting with you in that meeting giving you strength and applauding your work.
I'm so sorry, Rainy. I completely understand how terrifying this situation is but I believe in you and know that you'll get through it. You always have the very best intentions in mind and I hope the parents will be able to see that.
I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well
i'll be there with you, too, rainy (i loved blueberry's idea). once again, you know what you're doing in your job and those kids respond to you, are able to progress w/ you. hang onto you. love and hugs :hug:
Your support really helped - I imagined you all there with me. :hug:
.........
And I need not have worried so much about that meeting.
The parents weren't actually upset. I think the student's teacher misrepresented their feeling. Maybe they did communicate more frustration with her than they did today.
Of course I lost sleep last night worrying about this. But I can move forward now.
Well, that's a relief! So happy to hear it went quite well... :cheer:
:cheer: :) :)
Glad your meeting went okay. :hug:
I appreciate the support.
I felt a bit better for a while then just felt hungover.
I feel so ashamed at how hard relationships and work feel right now.
Today ended up being hard.
There are so many systems and processes I wasn't trained on in this job. I am expected to figure it out as I go. I am trying to do that but continue to get conflicting information depending on the source.
I had a conversation today with a person who I feel like is overstepping her bounds and I see now was probably triggered when I spoke to her. But she dropped tons of unnecessary stress on me and is just doing things to cover her own behind.
I did speak to an administrator in my building. I'm not sure it helped but good grief.
I am so exhausted.
you are so much stronger than i am, you are amazing. I hope you get some rest.
Larry, I appreciate your support. :sunny:
..........
I had a difficult time falling asleep and anxiety drove me awake.
I am realizing I am in am EF.
The work situation most stressing me out is a process for determining if students need services at school either with me or other professionals.
My role in US schools is complex - I evaluate, I write reports and plans for student support, I provide therapy, I case manage and am part of teams. Other professionals do one or two of those things but not all of them. So there is always room for a lot of misunderstanding.
Every job I've had this particular aspect of my job has not worked well, is always stressful, is always unclear, and it doesn't allow me to use my strengths. I've also had people tell me nasty things and put a lot of crap on me because they are taking out frustration on me.
I hope I can regulate my nervous system today. I am going to talk to a colleague that usually can help. But I feel awful right now.
Gentle hugs if you want them, rainy. Hoping the job eases up a little for you.
I appreciate it CF. I will reflect more below.
.........
I am feeling a bit better this evening than this morning.
I wish I could take the day off tomorrow, but have a parent meeting scheduled that I just need to get done. We have one more work week and then 2 weeks off.
I did speak to my colleague today and it was helpful. I am realizing how often I am still trying to please others and taking on too much.
I am still relatively new in this particular job. The way the state I live in and the district I work for interpret information is so different than I am used to. It makes me feel like I don't know what I am doing. I am trying to be patient with myself.
I realized some of my stress is that I got used to working in a high school where this time of year meant the end of a semester and more closure than the schedule in an elementary school. It is much more nebulous and that is hard for me.
I also realize I have one colleague in particular that is trying to boss me and gaslights me a great deal. I am trying to take her less seriously because I think she just does a lot of stuff to cover her butt. I feel like I need to be careful with her but she also isn't in charge of me and can't tell me what to do.
I hope that nothing major happens tomorrow.
Hi Rainydiary,
I admire the fact you're coping so well with your new job - I think it sounds really hard to do, and I think you are fastidious in how you approach it, and I wish that your colleagues appreciate what you do. I feel sure some of them will appreciate you.
I hope that your day goes ok, and that you have a relaxing weekend after it.
Hope :)
Hi Hope, I appreciate your support and encouraging words.
........
So, tomorrow is my birthday. I am feeling weird about it. Realizing I don't want to spend the energy engaging in the weird messages from family. Also feeling conflicted over the holiday and birthday checks my family sends. We don't talk much but they send me money. No matter what I do in response, it will be wrong. So I haven't said much other than I received the packages my mom sent.
Today was relatively chill. Nothing too big.
I had very precious, sweet student interactions today.
I am deeply exhausted and haven't been sleeping well. One more work week and then the rest of 2022 off on break.
Today was the most chill birthday I've had in years. I hope it is a sign for a more easeful year ahead.
Happy Birthday!!! :cheer:
Happy birthday, Rainy! All the best wishes :wave:
Happy Birthday rainy! :)) :sunny: Sounds like good omens for the year ahead. :cheer:
Happy birthday rainy :)
Sending best wishes your way!
Happy Birthday Rainy,
I am touched by your comment that you received precious, sweet student interactions today. That warmed my heart knowing it had warmed yours.
I hear you about not knowing the best way to thank family for the checks that came in the mail. When nothing you do or don't do just brings criticism, it can make you wish they'd just keep their money and let you party with the students who love you for who you are.
Well, here on this forum, you have a bunch of friends who love you for who you are too. And here, happy birthday wishes come with no strings attached! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
happy happy birthday, rainy! :cake: :party: doin' a little birthday dance here! here's hoping you have many more 'chill' birthdays in the future. love and a hug filled w/ birthday cheer. :hug:
I appreciate all of the care and messages. I was surprised at how less stressful interacting with family members was than I expected. I still feel tension about all the dynamics but it didn't consume me. Thank you all. :grouphug:
.........
I am really not interested in work this week. I've been more open with folks about my struggles and am starting to feel like I need to tone it down. I wish that wasn't the case but I don't want to go down the path again of giving people things to use against me.
I haven't consistently ran since Thanksgiving and I notice that impacts my sleep. Running is something that does support my sleeping. I am going to start up again tomorrow.
I am having big thoughts I don't know how to put into words right now so am going to try to sleep.
it makes sense to me, rainy, how a physical activity can promote better sleep. hopefully, you can get back on track. love and hugs :hug:
Seconding san, rainy. Gentle hugs and hoping you can get back to running and sleeping better.
San, it is funny how I know moving helps me and yet of late I haven't wanted to move as much. I think it is a balance and I tend to be all or nothing. I hope to find a balance.
.....
CF, I appreciate your care. :hug:
...........
Today was weird. The last working Monday of the year for me.
Tomorrow I have my intake appointment for the autism evaluation I am pursuing. I am nervous about it especially finding a space to take the call as I will be at work.
Today I was wondering why I am often so met with hostility when I treat the students I work with like human beings. I feel like I have the effect of holding up mirrors for others and they don't like what they see.
Of course I make a ton of mistakes too. Today I got impatient with a colleague and made comments to another colleague about my frustration. She always feels the need to point out "they are doing their best." I don't need her to say things like that - we are all always doing our best.
I am interested in seeing how tomorrow goes. I am still more than ready for Friday to be here.
Hoping that Friday comes soon in your world! And is slow arriving in mine ;)
Hope your phone appt goes well and that you can find a small private corner to have it in during your work.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing so much hostility at work, especially when you are just trying to treat students like human beings who deserve support and respect. I have experienced this kind of hostility so many times and it makes me feel really angry. It just shouldn't be like that.
Maybe you are right about the mirror- I have never thought of it this way but it is a very intriguing thought that I'm going to explore for myself.
At any rate, I hope all will go well with your assessment and that you can reach the end of the week safely. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but don't let others' comments bog you down.
Blueberry, I appreciate your reminder of perspective. When I was in high school, a teacher shared this piece of writing that was a collection of sentences people had written across time. What remains with me is how human we have been over time as well as how the same experience can be perceived so different.
.....
M&H, I appreciate your support. I am always caught off guard by how understanding of a student I can be but struggle to show that same care to other adults. I think there are a lot of reasons that is the case.
.........
I am exhausted and up much later than I wish to be.
My intake appointment went ok. The provider was pleasant and understanding. I feel hurt and defensive about some of the questions he asked - I know he is just trying to establish things he needs for the evaluation but it left me judging myself and feeling weird. It wasn't anything he did or said but rather my perception. He sent me some specific forms to fill out and we will meet again next Tuesday for a more in-depth conversation. Thankfully I won't have work that day.
A colleague helped me find a space where I wasn't disturbed during the meeting which was nice of them.
This evening hasn't been my favorite. My husband and I had tickets to see the Banff Film Festival tour. I knew I would struggle with going because so much was planned for today. We went for a little while and came home at intermission. I got really overwhelmed and overstimulated being there. When the films were playing I was ok. I forgot to bring earplugs though which may have helped a bit. I am glad we went but also really wish I would have staid home because now I feel off.
I recently watched the show Stranger Things. I'd never seen it before and really enjoyed it. Parts of it are super gruesome but I was compelled by the story telling and wish I could create compelling stories. There is a song they play in the show that I am obsessed with.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=gR_LNag3-FQ&feature=share (https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=gR_LNag3-FQ&feature=share)
I hope I can settle down enough to sleep.
Today was difficult.
I appreciated connecting with colleagues with my same job today. We are all feeling the weight of our work and how we are being treated by our employer.
I arrived at my school today and opened my email. I had two emails which were so unpleasant and sent me into an EF.
In one email, a colleague I've met once sent me this email about documentation that is overdue. She copied several administrators to ask me what my plan was for getting it done. The way it was written was incredibly rude. I know this wasn't only my perception because one of the administrators responded and defended me. He checked in with me later which was appreciated.
I didn't respond because I knew this person doesn't have all the context and is wrong. Her approach really caught me off guard. She later acknowledged that she was wrong about the timeline for the student.....but didn't acknowledge or apologize for how she spoke to me. I know I won't get that from her.
It disappoints me because when I first met this person, I thought they would be an ally. Instead their interactions with me have been unpleasant. I don't mind directness but her tone is always implying I am not doing my work and I don't like it. I have this intuition that she would say this is about her "social deficits" (her words) which to me is just an excuse for being rude to other people.
The other email I received the person attributed questions to me that I didn't ask. They were her questions and her freaking out. This person is slippery and constantly adding administration to emails and she sent this email to an administrator implying these were my questions. It pissed me off.
I then had to call this person to acknowledge a misstep I made with communicating with the family of the overdue paperwork situation. My experience is that if she gets to lord knowledge over me she is fine, so that conversation went "ok." But I really don't like working with her because she plays a game I don't understand and will lose.
I was so upset this morning I think some students noticed. One kept asking me "are you ok?" With him it is hard to tell if he was picking up on my feelings or rather expressing his own anxiety about things and phrasing it in the way people ask him. But it still made me feel bad that he might have felt unsettled by my difficulties with being present today.
Those dynamics at work sound really frustrating and difficult. I'm sorry that's happening.
I appreciate the care Armee. :hug:
..........
I feel compelled to go in a different direction today in my post because this has been on my mind. This post is about body image.
The other night when we went to the film festival one of the films was about a Hawaiian discussing her culture. This person was beautiful. It made me feel so awful about myself because I am beautiful in the way that person is.
I have felt so mean and dreadful about my appearance of late. I do not feel beautiful or worth looking at. I am struggling with how my body is changing as I approach 40.
I struggle because my teeth have a lot going on and kids make comments constantly about my teeth. Adults don't but they give me a look. I am not interested in doing elective dental work just to avoid all of that. But it still hurts.
I am not sure why all of this is bothering me so much right now. My parents were so critical of me and my appearance. I have always felt ugly. I don't think that is how others see me but it is how I feel inside right now.
I think it's really powerful Rainy that you could see the beauty in the woman in the film and see yourself in her. I'm sorry your parents were so critical. And I bet it's really helpful to the kids to observe a physical difference in a person they admire and to see how that person manages their difference. Many people erase their differences. You are keeping yours. The kids get to see that as a model. That is better for them.
I know it's painful. Kids are blunt. But I truly believe they are thinking about their own insecurities and differences when they do that to see how other people manage that. Inside I feel deeply insecure and ugly and gross and imperfect and frumpy. Some of that is a distorted perception and some of that is objectively true. And yet on the outside I try to portray these things to my daughter as coming from a place of security. Yes. I have gray hair. Most women my age do, but they spend a lot of money to dye it. I choose to not do that. I am OK having gray hair, because that is the color my hair is and that is how old I actually am. That is the message I give my daughter. Under that message I feel ashamed. Who knows how much of each message she is picking up on.
When people do things to make themselves look perfect I don't know if that is helping these poor kids growing up in this harsh world of social media and perfection. So...thank you, for not fixing your imperfections. I think that is beautiful and a beautiful role model for the kids you work with.
Armee, I appreciate that perspective. I will do my best to keep being me.
........
I just need to write down a weird interaction I had with a colleague. I'm pretty sure I won't get past this today.
I went into a classroom to pick up some students for a group. As soon as I walk in, so many of them start saying "Miss Rainy! Miss Rainy! Miss Rainy!" I work with a lot of kids in that class.
One of the special education teachers was in the room. I assume she was there working with students. Well, she hears the kids and starts mocking their words, "Miss Rainy, Miss Rainy." I gave her a look and her look back was like "What, I'm just joking."
I spy jealousy in her actions. But it doesn't make her behavior hurt any less. Almost every interaction I have with her leaves me feeling smaller.
I am not sure how to move to past this right now. I do not understand why other people are mean because I have worked hard to establish relationships with students. I want to cry and for some reason tears won't come (probably because I am work). I would just go home but have a meeting after work I committed to.
Gentle hugs if you want them, Rainy. She's absolutely jealous. I don't know why some people are like this, but their loss. I think it's wonderful that the kids greet you with such enthusiasm and glee. My sympathies that you have to deal with her, that's so petty.
CF, I appreciate your support. :hug:
.........
I made it to a break from work.
I did mostly move past that interaction earlier today. I saw that person a few more times but we didn't speak.
I am asking myself where the line is between saying something to stand up for myself and limiting my contact with toxic people. I think I still tend to let others "get away" with a lot.
This week I did try to advocate in terms of scheduling meetings. I have colleagues that plan meetings I am required to be at without asking me if it works and are sometimes double booking me. I wanted to be snarky in calling these folks out but decided to go about it differently. I explained that I have many roles I play and am getting double booked. I asked if there is a way we could plan out the spring meetings. There was a lot of performative action on their part that I'm not sure is going to stick in the long run.
But I still struggle with in the moment advocacy. I need a lot of time to process, especially to process when people make comments that are hurtful. I do notice that I have developed a few work relationships where I am advocating and doing ok. I think a lot of my struggle is situational.
For now I hope to set all of that aside. It is time to rest up.
yep, i smell jealousy, too. what a downright shame to have to go thru this. i get it - an ex-friend (20 yrs.) was envious of me for various reasons, and put me thru so much because of it (which is why she is an ex now). it absolutely sucks the way those people treat you at work. my heart feels for you, rainy.
ah, body changes. they come w/ time and there's not a lot everyone can do about it. my body is so different now than it was 30 yrs. ago (besides the age thing) and it's difficult to accept it for what and how it is, some days worse than others. but some days i can look in the mirror and think 'well, for 75, it could be worse'.
rainy, you are doing such a good job w/ those kids, they appreciate you so much. i love that you're there for them in just the way you are. as you could see, you are one of the highlights of their day. what a gift you've given them. love and hugs :hug:
San, I appreciate your care and support. I want to be as understanding other adults as I can be towards children. And yet the ways adults act carries more consequences. I appreciate the thoughts on bodies - I'm not sure I'm so surprised things are changing. I think it is more than my body - I keep changing and am disoriented right now.
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So grateful I don't have to work tomorrow.
But also just feeling fatigued with the holiday season. The ways in which I differ feel empathized during this time.
I started watching Wednesday on Netflix and am really enjoying it.
I am trying to find joy and rest where I can.
you know, rainy, the idea that you are changing makes total sense to me. this has been a doozy of a year for you - you've made some huge realizations, some major steps forward, and you're dealing w/ a hostile work environment all at the same time. that's far and away enough for change on any and all levels. when your brain is mashed up w/ what you've been dealing w/, it's going to filter down physically as well - at least that's how i see it going. i know i'm now exhausted after vacuuming the apartment. it takes its toll.
and the holidays. rough for so many people. my D and i were talking about this big generalized push to be w/ family, w/ friends, socialize, happy happy jolly jolly, decorate, cook . . . :fallingbricks: may i suggest you do what you want and leave the rest? you've got enough on your plate, so to speak.
sending love and a hug full of support and compassion :hug:
Rainy, I caught up on reading your journal today. I hear the weight of stress that you carry at work. I agree, that the coworker who chanted, "Ms. Rainy," sounds jealous. The students were glad to see you!
Quote from: rainydiary on December 17, 2022, 04:58:42 AM
I am asking myself where the line is between saying something to stand up for myself and limiting my contact with toxic people. I think I still tend to let others "get away" with a lot.
I have a hard time with that too. What is the healthiest course of action? And what is healthiest for ME and everything I carry and how easily I can be triggered? In the case of my husband, my T said, "Usual methods of repair don't work with him." Also, if dealing with a work situation, that is a different dynamic also.
I'm sorry your work adds so much stress in your life. My work place isn't perfect, but overall it is kind and supportive. I wish that for you. You deserve that.
Gentle hugs, rainy. I agree with previous posters, "doing it all" for the holidays isn't reasonable for most of us anymore. We're here for you and this is a safe place to rest from all that for a few moments.
Also, Wednesday is awesome. I hope they get a season 2.
San, I have more change to share below. I appreciate the suggestions- this is a time of year for us to go inward and I am trying to accept that all I want to do is rest and play my video game. I appreciate your care.
......
Not Alone, I appreciate you checking in. I will say one of the schools I go to is a lot more supportive. I think there are a variety of factors for that. I spoke with someone yesterday that suggested perhaps I will always have qualms with a place I'm at. I think the balance I will be monitoring is if the qualms are harmful to me or not.
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CF, thank you - I am playing Dreamlight Valley as much as I can.
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I am not sure of my feelings in this moment but wanted to document: today I officially received an autism diagnosis.
I told four people - my husband, a friend out of state, and two colleagues. I am not able to gauge the reaction of my husband and out of state friend - they both seemed a bit shocked. One of my colleagues responded that she would like to hear more about when we get back to work.
I do not plan to tell my parents and am grateful I found a provider that didn't insist on me getting input from them. I worry my husband will tell his parents - it's not that I care about people knowing but I should be the one disclosing not him. His boundaries with his parents don't really exist so I will probably need to tell him to not say anything.
I'm not surprised by this diagnosis but it is still difficult. There is a lot of misunderstanding and bias about autism. I also worry about not being even more defensive at work with how crappy people talk about and treat all the neurodivergent students.
I have a lot to process.
That is a lot to process. Sending you care.
Sending support and care your way rainy as you process this.
And a gentle hug if that's ok :hug:
Oh, Rainy, that sure is a lot to process. I feel that receiving a diagnosis like that can be a bit of a relief at times as it might explain why you have been struggling with different things, but I am also aware that a lot of people who get this diagnosis relatively late in life really struggle to come to terms with this. I imagine that this will change the way you think about a lot of things and that this might cause a lot of problems along the way (especially regarding who to tell about this), but I hope that in the end it will also give you a little peace of mind. I also hope that it allow you to access a little bit more support...
So, I guess what I am trying to say: I know that this is likely going to be a difficult time for you but I am here for you if you need someone to talk. And, of course, if you need any help with anything at all, just let me know
Thank you NotAlone, Phil, and M&H :grouphug:
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I am not sure how I feel today.
My brain is thinking a lot and processing.
Something I notice is I think a diagnosis of autism explains a lot and it feels like I can be myself.
I am also grieving I didn't know this sooner but also struggling to feel like it is me and fits me.
I am struggling with balance in my life right now. I am also not sure how to best support myself right now.
Things I needed in the past, such as journaling a lot, aren't as helpful and I don't feel the emotional and energetic capacity to do them. It seems like I need an expanded tool box and I'm not sure what that is yet.
Really though I feel like we are still in transition living in a rented apartment with plans to seek a new home.
I have this worry my husband has also changed so much and that this process of us finding a home together is going to be difficult. I'm glad to be where we are but I'm not sure he is.
The only place he never complained about living was his hometown. Every other place is too this and too that. I worry we made a mistake in moving. It seemed like the right thing at the time and it felt like a joint decision.
More time is needed I think. But also I need more joy and rest. I'm not resting well because I feel so uncomfortable almost all of the time.
Feeling uncomfortable all the time is really draining, Rainy. Im sorry you are feeling such discomfort. I relate to that in some ways. I hope you are able to get to a place of comfort soon.
This is a huge thing to be incorporating into your own understanding of yourself and how you move through the world. I know you've known this diagnosis for yourself for awhile now and I'm glad you have that validation and explanation. It'll take time for this all to balance out. I'm proud of you for seeking answers and sorry the people in your life did not have this understanding of you previously. I hope for the people who matter to you that they can find good ways to support you in being who you've always been.
Quote from: rainydiary on December 22, 2022, 03:58:51 AM
Things I needed in the past, such as journaling a lot, aren't as helpful and I don't feel the emotional and energetic capacity to do them. It seems like I need an expanded tool box and I'm not sure what that is yet.
Hi Rainy,
Hopefully you'll gravitate towards whichever tool you need, and will know what it is at the appropriate time. I find that I move between different things, and I was also journalling for the first time recently and found it helpful, but then found I moved away from it for a while, as it became a bit overwhelming. I know that you have a lot that you're dealing with at work, and also adjusting to being in your new home geographically etc, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug :hug:
Hope :)
hey, rainy, i discovered i'm on the autism edge just a few years ago. like you, i discovered it explained a lot. autism has been a bit of a stigma all my life, with one prominent picture of what an autistic child is like, so it took me some time to accept that i wasn't that child, i was very high functioning, etc. i've not told very many people about it either, mainly because i'm not in contact, but also because it doesn't really make a difference in our relationship.
sitting with you as you process this. it is a lot. i hope you can be gentle and patient w/ yourself while you are going thru this. sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion. :hug:
Armee, I appreciate your support. I think in many ways now I am more aware and realize that I can take action to make things work for me. The work right now is letting go of things that I did to cope that never helped or weren't working very well. I also feel stressed that I don't have it all figured out (which I never will).
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Hope, thank you for checking in and for the reflection on tools. I am wondering if it would help to check in on what I am doing as I think I do a lot of things without realizing and seeing if those are things I want to keep doing. Right now I am struggling with self-reflection and think I just need some time.
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San, I relate to the stigma. I work with autistic students and it is difficult to have this one word that describes such a variety of experiences. I watch day in and day out how my students are treated and realize I've been treated that way too. That is what is hurting right now. I appreciate your support.
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I've cried a bit today. I think it helped release some tension. I thought about younger self and wished she could have received even more understanding for needs others didn't understand and that she couldn't have known to articulate.
My brain keeps thinking about all of the difficult encounters I've had at work and through the lens of being autistic the way I was treated feels even worse. They were responding to me with prejudice and that sucks. I want to scream and tell people how they've hurt me but it won't make a difference now.
I am worried about being too raw when I go to work with how people speak about the students I work with. Mindsets need to shift and yet processing my experience through telling off other people isn't going to help.
I really wish I didn't have to go back to work.
rainy, i wish you didn't, either. love and hugs
Gentle hugs, rainy. It bites that you have these struggles with work. People can be so ignorant and cruel, but you know the truth; that these kids deserve love and care just as much as anyone else. I wish you peace and strength through this. We got your back.
San and CF, I appreciate your care and support. :grouphug:
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It's hard to know what to write today. When I am at home and not at work, I am ok. Today my brain started thinking about going back which is a drag.
Today I decided that I need a break from my Switch where I play video games. I have been using it to numb and avoid and I think not giving my brain a break.
I am still processing the autism diagnosis. It does explain a lot and makes me feel more whole. It is also confusing because I realize all these things I do to try to compensate and how exhausted I am by things other people don't see. I know I also won't be believed by many people as having this diagnosis.
I am hoping to give my brain a real break the last several days of my break. I've been avoiding myself and it is time to check back in. I know I need things to be different moving forward and perhaps I can start to answer how that will could look.
:hug:
getting a diagnosis can bring up a lot of things. It's good to have an answer, and it can show how things need to go or can be changed. It may seem like a lot, but remember to take it at a comfortable pace. Now that you know, it can even help determine the pace of processing. Gentle hugs if you want them, we're here for you.
I've only just read about your diagnosis, rainy. Sending support and care. I hope that in time having the diagnosis will seem and be helpful to you. I guess the way for most of us on here - I think - finally having the cptsd diagnosis is or becomes helpful. :hug:
San, thank you.
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CF, I appreciate your words. I think I am trying to understand how to best support myself moving forward and I'm not entirely sure. So I get impatient with myself - I appreciate the reminder to take it at a pace that feels right.
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BB, thank you. I hope to identify how the diagnosis shows up for me and how to support myself differently moving forward. I also feel this deep wish that the world was different and more understanding of how hard so many things are for me even if I have "seemed fine" up until now. I am frustrated because I am better understanding how much I have struggled and how I've tried to hide that.
..........
My worry about returning to work is increasing. I am noticing a pattern as a break from work winds down - I start to be convinced an ache or discomfort in my body is something deeply serious. There is always the possibility that could be the case...but symptoms showing up over night?
I found more balance today. I decided I still want to play the game on my Switch but don't want to engage in online community with it. I saw a post yesterday that made me feel like I am "playing wrong" and I got really upset with myself. I have been pushing myself too much with the game I've been playing and been ignoring my body signals to take a break. I didn't do that today.
I also read more today for pleasure than I have been. I am re-reading the Harry Potter books. These books bring up a lot of conflict for me because the author has caused so much harm. I also continue to have meaningful reactions and engagement with the books - certain scenes in particular really catch me. I think they offer me a way to get in touch with feelings I don't really know to express.
I am hoping to somewhat enjoy the next several days but also feel like I could acknowledge that it isn't going to be easy. These complicated feelings about going back to work are coming up and I would rather not pretend like they aren't.
Totally with you there on hobbies getting in the way a bit - until recently I had a podcast about board games, which shifted a lot of my time and energy (and money!) into making sure I was always playing something new and had something to talk about by the time we did our next recording. We've since stopped the podcast, and while I miss a bit of the creativity I'm able to pace myself and enjoy the hobby much more than I was the last few years. I'm the same with video games - I generally avoid playing online with friends or MMO type games as I tend to get too stressed about performance.
Do you have any allies at work you could reach out to in advance of your return? If possible it might be good to have a small conversation with one or two people, get them primed with info, and then when you get there you'll have them in your corner without having to explain anything to anyone first.
Hope you have a good new years!
Hi Rainy,
I'm glad you're reading those books - and it's interesting to hear that they are enabling you to get in touch with some feelings that you don't know how to express - I love the fact that literature can enable that.
I hope that you have some more nice times in your break, and I would like to wish you the best for 2023, and hope it will be a year that brings some nice things.
Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
CrackedIce, I appreciate the understanding. My hobby is starting to feel like another job which is not what it's meant to be. I struggle with leisure because I was not taught leisure growing up nor does our culture really support rest and relaxation. Thank you for the suggestion about work - I've had some talks with folks unrelated specifically to my workplace that have been supportive.
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Hope, I love reading because I come across so many things that I love to think about and that help me express myself more. I appreciate your support and care.
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I think this may be the last entry in this particular journal.
I've had an ok past few days. Parts of my brain are trying to worry about work and other parts are realizing I am more reactive about things than I want to be. Knowing that I am autistic and that CPTSD is part of me help me understand why so many things have been the way they have been. It isn't me being defective but it is me not having had the support and Carr I've needed all along.
I am slowly reading a book called Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown. Each sentence feels so packed with meaning and I struggle to move through it because every sentence feels important. So far what I am being reminded of as I read is to listen deeply and to find my own way based on what makes sense to me.
:hug: