Rainy Journal 2022

[Armee]

I hate being caught off guard, too, by unexpected conversations. They make me panic cause I haven't had time to plan what to say and what to not say.

I hope the autoglass situation works out soon.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you for your message.  I relate to wanting to say more.  It is sometimes hard to share what we want through the board.  I appreciate your support.
.....
Armee, I appreciate your understanding.  I think these situations emphasize where my needs are.  I'm glad for collaboration but I find it difficult with people that are trained so differently and we don't really have a shared context. 
..........

I was feeling pretty good earlier as I finally heard from the auto glass place I called.  I connected with someone today and she has been really helpful.  The process is in motion and at this point I am waiting to hear back as she works to help me.  I at least feel supported now but also foolish for wasting so much time with the other company.  Based on what I learned today, they weren't doing anything correctly and probably would have damaged my car.

I am feeling triggered now.  The school I go to twice a week has students that act out very aggressively.  There has been a lot today.  The student I just saw had to evacuate class because a classmate was swinging a computer cable, broke the wall, hit the teacher, and was screaming. 

I picked up this student for our session as I figured they would like the opportunity to process and have a break.  I was not prepared for the student to choose to share with me that their dad died by suicide a few years ago.  I appreciate the student sharing but it is also a lot to take in. 

I am so tired now.  Too much emotional drain today.

[rainydiary]

This evening has ended up hard.

I was in an EF for quite a while this evening.

Just as I had relaxed some, I lost my cool with my husband about the dishes.

I don't know why the dishes push me so over the edge but they do.

The dishes have come to represent so much - today they are representing how unsuccessful I feel in my career, the stress of getting my car fixed, the stress of trying to find time to take my cat the vet, upcoming medical appointments of my own.  They represent all the change this year has brought and worry over the future.  The dishes also represent the different ways we were raised - his family leaves dishes piled up everywhere and mine doesn't do that.

I feel terrible for having my meltdown.  I have needs I am not communicating to my husband.  I am not sure I even clear on what those needs are.

It seems like it would help me to list them and find a way to say them more directly.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, rainy, sorry that happened to you. I agree that making a list might help clarify those needs.

[sanmagic7]

my dear rainy, interesting how something as mundane as dishes can represent an entire can of worms.  i get it.  i think it's marvelous that you are able to figure out those representations.  i think that's a big step toward getting your self back.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you CF and San - I think I was deeper into an EF yesterday than I realized. 
..........
I am sitting at work feeling blah. 

Yesterday ended up being so draining.  I don't want to be here today.

I find myself not caring about trying very hard.  No matter how hard I try to plan and be prepared, other things happen outside my control that force me to shift. 

I'm not even really sure what else to say about it.

[sanmagic7]

i don't think there really is much more to say about it, rainy.  just get thru today as best you can, all right?  sending love and a hug filled w/ tea and sympathy.  or lemonade, hot toddy, whatever will help.

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I am going to need to figure something out.
........
Today sucked.

Every day I come home drained.

I have my two schools assigned.  Our district is short staffed and we've been asked to help out with some additional work. 

I signed up to help with what I could but I never wanted to help.  There is just peer pressure to help. 

I thought I was off the hook for the work today because someone else was hired.  But the day ended with this person pushing back on me. 

She and I are both in the same boat - we don't know the student this work is needed for.  I do feel guilty she is starting a new job and has to jump in.......but we all do. 

I have tried to set boundaries today and that is some of why I feel so uncomfortable.  But I also feel like I am going to go into work and be told to do this work.

I am so tired of how my values clash with what I am asked to do. 

[Blueberry]

  rainy, it's so hard, I get it and I'm sorry it's like that for you.

[paul72]

hi rainydiary
Your work sounds so difficult ... I hope the weekend brings you rest and is filled with tons of goodness.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Blueberry, I appreciate your understanding.
.....
Thank you Phil, the weekend has been ok.  I appreciate your support.
.........
I am starting the feel the anxiety of the coming week.

Friday was a weird day at work.  Tons of colleague drama where one person (who really shouldn't be involved in the situation) pulled me aside and told me I need to get another colleague to do something different than she is.  It triggered me because it made me feel like they probably complain about me behind my back.  There were other weird interactions that made me realize communication is poor there in general which is also triggering.

I don't feel comfortable in what I'm doing and how other people act.   Today I realized that I am feeling defensive and that I feel stuck.  I also remembered that it is impossible for me to know everything and I don't have to wait for things to blow up before taking action.

This week will be busy and I am worried about being able to cope.

[rainydiary]

Thoughts/feelings came up this evening that felt important to write in a second post of the day.

I am really feeling how unloved I felt growing up and I am in that state of feeling right now.

On Saturday my husband and I went to get some vaccines.  We were both in the same room and he happened to go first.  As soon as he was done, he left.  The person giving the vaccines looked at me and said, "Wow, he just left you there."  No part of me was surprised that he didn't wait and I also didn't need him to wait but it also hurt a bit that another person noticed. 

I know that my cat loves me and that students love me.  Last week a young woman asked for a hug.  We've known each other for 2 weeks and she already feels so safe with me. 

And yet I struggle to love myself.  I have a partner that shows love in subtle ways (after my meltdown last week he has been trying to help around the house more).  I also struggle every day when I go to work because the eyes and looks of my colleagues feel like the disapproval of my parents and I can't not see it.  I am so tired of being looked at with those eyes. 

I hope that acknowledging this and all the tears coming out are healing.

[Blueberry]

  You are valued on here. I care about you.  Other mbrs do too.

[Armee]

 

I value you, Rainy. I'm sorry your family was so unloving toward you. I can compeltely see too how much it would hurt for the person giving vaccines to notice and comment on your husband's treatment of you. That stings.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I also value you, and I always think how caring and supportive you are of your students and colleagues, as well as your husband. 

Sending you a supportive hug    I hope that you get some rest and whatever you need.

Hope