Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Deep Blue]

Thanks 3roses,
Have you tried to get him to come around? What is your opinion on giving my husband a couple articles to read?  I don't even know what topic to start with?

He doesn't know I have CPTSD.  He doesn't know I have clinical depression. He has never asked why I see a therapist each week. He doesn't know I SH. He doesn't know I have anxiety attacks. He doesn't know about my past traumas.... what I'm saying is that, I deliberately keep him in the dark.  Im starting to think  his ignorance about mental health is my fault 

How can I want him to change when he's clueless someone lives in the same house as him who struggles every day.

[Jdog]

We love you, Deep Blue.  And you don't deserve to be dismissed.  So sorry this is happening!

[sanmagic7]

feeling so isolated and alone is just horrible.  i hope he's not actively baiting you, or making things worse at the same time as he's ignoring this.  have you ever asked him if he's been curious as to why you go to therapy every week?  i don't know what kind of communication channels you two have, so i don't know if asking him would be relevant here.

ideally, of course, he would've shown interest and curiosity in your going to therapy every week.

so sorry for your feelings of isolation, too, 3r.  i just think a true partnership means open communication and shared experiences.  it's very sad to me to see people i care about missing that in their lives.

i hope he'll eventually come around, db.  do you think he'd be willing to read articles?  my ex#2 refused to read preg/childbirth books that i got him from the library.  if your hub is willing to read, perhaps pete walker's book would be helpful.  i hope he'll make an effort.

by your side, sweetie, all the way.  sending love and hugs.

[Three Roses]

DB - I sent you a lengthy pm bcuz I don't want to hijack your journal! But if you think you want him to understand more, imo short informative articles and brief videos are a good way to start. Best of luck! 

[Wattlebird]

Hi db,
Sorry he doesn't seem interested in your therapy, I'm not sure how much you say, maybe start with his sister, comment on how much she must be suffering inside, maybe that's a safer option than discussing yourself, I really am just throwing out suggestions that you might already have done, but talking about mh in general and not specific will soften him up or maybe not.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
Your group hug means more to me than you know.  You mean a great deal to me too Jdog.

San,
He doesn't actively bait me.  He's just quietly clueless.  I also don't want to be the one to clue him in.  Too much pressure that I don't yet feel ready for.

3R thanks for the PM,
I think the articles suggestion is the way I am going to go.  I've been looking into some related to anxiety as a starting point.  I know one of his favorite actors has generalized anxiety disorder so I may try to find a article about him.

Wattlebird,
You are right too.  I feel safer about broaching the topic with his sister.   

You are all wonderful 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I just wanted to say that I hope that you have a good evening and that I think you are wonderful.   
I did read what you wrote before, and I couldn't find any words to say anything at the time, and I still can't - except that I hope very much that you will find a way to communicate with your husband that works for you both.  At a pace that feels right. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Hope 
I empathize with the no words thing.  I was reading an interesting bit in The Body Keeps the Score about words.  It said that during flashbacks or dissociation the Broca's area shuts down.  The Broca's area is responsible for speech.  So that's why when those emotional nerves are hit it's hard to find the words.
—————————————————
I had a flashback at school today... I didn't get a panic attack or anything... it just sorta knocks the wind out of my sails when it happens though.  Triggered by a conversation in the hall.  Not up to talking about it yet 

[Jdog]

Blue-

Sending you a warm wish for continued healing from my little road trip.  Flashbacks are no fun.  Be patient with yourself.  For me, that's one of the hardest things to do when recovering from panic attacks and flashbacks.  You are not alone, even when it feels like you are.   

[Sceal]

Hey darling. 
I think I've told you before that you get to decide what you want to share with whom. That also includes your husband. If you aren't ready, or simply just doesn't want to tell him about your past that is 110% okay. It is your story, your history and even if you once didn't have control over what happened to you, at the very least you can control who you tell what and why.

I told my ex in very vague ways that could lead to alot of interpretation. But it was enough. I wasn't able to then, or now, to talk about it with him. I haven't told my family, nor do I think I ever will. I don't want them to look at me in a certain light, and also I don't think they will understand anyway.
But it is a relief to not hide the clinical depression. You can always blame it on chemical imbalance in your brain, it's out of your control.

I am sorry you had to have a flashback at work, but I think it is progress that it didn't send you head first into a panic attack.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
Thanks for encouraging me to be patient with myself.     I honestly need that reminder from time to time

Sceal,
You are so good to me you know that? It is my story and I guess I shouldn't worry about sharing it till I'm ready.  The fact that I'm wondering about it now makes me think I'm still not ready . And you know what? That may be ok!
——————————————————-
Went out with coworkers last night and it was difficult.  Enjoyed time with them but one of my coworker is becoming completely inappropriate with me and offensive to all.

IMO he is clinically depressed. I have tried to help him.  But the problem is... when someone is drowning, there is the risk of pulling you under.  After his behavior last night, I need to extricate myself.  He is a mess and it's terrible to watch.  But last night, he was aggressively hitting on me, making lude remarks, and telling me how drunk he is 🤦‍♀️

Anyway, I need to be firm with him If he wants to go out again.  I'm married, not interested, and he needs to start helping himself.  I need to put my foot down here for my own sake 

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-
Absolutely put your foot down with the coworker.  He doesn't get to treat you inappropriately no matter what his issues may be.  He sounds in need of some boundaries, IMO.  People need help at times and we can't do the work for them.

[Hope67]

I need to put my foot down here for my own sake 

I am standing with you on this, Deep Blue    Sending you strength to do what you want to do. 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Sorry about your coworker sounds like he has a few issues going on, good work, put your foot down, it's the last thing you need.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
You are right! I'm done with him. I need to just accept that I tried and let him make his own mistakes.

Thanks Hope,
I do appreciate you standing with me.  It gives me strength to know you are with me.

Wattlebird,
Yes! To say he has "some issues" is a huge understatement.  It's always in me to help others, and I refuse to join his pity party.