Well, I never thought I would do it, but today I feel I need to begin my own journal.
The last month has had such low lows, that I've been feeling very lost.
(Possible trigger warning: mention of suicide)
Things went south right as the school year started. A student at my school died by suicide. I didn't know him well and had only met him a couple times. I am very very close with his older sister. The sister graduated last year and was the only graduation party I went to. The sister played soccer for my husband's team, is my son's babysitter and she calls me mom.
The day it occured she reached out to me beyond upset. Who could blame her? Well I did the best I could, I encouraged her whole family to go to counseling.
As a teacher, I sometimes say that it's my job to save every kid that walks through my door. That's why I got into the profession. I needed an adult to step in during my abuse. Instead I fell through the cracks of the system. My pain was masked from the world. My CPTSD gives me an edge on helping others. I'm sure many are the same way. I can often read people quickly, especially when they are suffering.
1.5 days after the suicide, the sister showed up at school. Long story short I got a counselor to see her immediately. They walked her out of my room (I was teaching) and she grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go. She sobbed and I told her it's ok... I'll see you at the funeral. They pried her fingers from me and bink! I lost it... 20 minutes erased from my memory. I was told later that I was escorted to the counselor myself. I had just sort of snapped. I had dissociated and wasn't making any sense.
Within a week my grandfather then died of a short but brutal illness. This happened 2 days before my birthday.
It was the worst birthday I can remember. My grandmother was in mourning and my husband ditched me to go watch a soccer game on my birthday. I pleaded with him to be with me, that I was having a tough time. Nope! I have never felt so let down in my marriage of 5 years. Anyway, we skipped my birthday, ate leftovers and that was it...
I know it's a rough note to start my first journal but I hope to find balance through this process.
sweetie, thanks for sharing, and good for you for beginning this process. i know that these journals have helped me tremendously by allowing the eyes of others to see what i might be missing. that has brought balance along the way more times than i can count.
i'm so very sorry about all these horrid events you've had to go thru this past year. yeah, as a therapist working with teenage girls, my ideal was to save every single one of them, so i get that. unfortunately, the reality is different. some are just beyond our reach, which was a difficult concept to accept. still, i know that you are positively impacting many in ways that don't show or that you may never know.
birthdays are special for me - i've always loved them and have felt a bit cheated when they didn't go the way i wanted. may i add a 'grrrrr' that your husband was insensitive about yours? i hate that that happened to you. sucks.
i do hope you find what you're looking for thru your journal, maybe even more than you expected. you are so very special, so giving and generous, i just want that coming back to you, too. sending much love and a hug full of 'you are precious'.
Hey deep blue
Welcome to journaling, you have had a rough time, hopefully journaling will relieve some of the pain and/or pressure.
I feel like it's a way of releasing these thoughts that go round and round in my head.
:hug:
Wb
San,
Thanks for reminding me that I do help a lot of kids. During open house this year, I had a parent ask me "do you want the students to like you?" I replied yes. They asked why... I said because if I can get to their hearts, it's easier to get to their minds. Thanks for the hug full of precious too :bigwink:
Wattlebird,
Thanks for the encouragement. Hopefully journaling will help me clear my head a bit.
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This week has already been exhausting and it's only Wednesday! :no:
I decided to take tomorrow off work. I just need a mental health day.
Trigger warning (physical abuse)
In the last week I've only had 1 real night of sleep. My postpartum friend snapped with her son. She hit him repeatedly with a belt. (He's only 7 years old).
Belts are my biggest trigger. The last week I've been up every night with flashbacks and nightmares. I went in to freeze mode with my friend. I didn't reply to anything she did. So now I relive horrible memories every night when I close my eyes.
Day by day I'm losing steam and am having a harder time keeping my head clear. I've been doing all the self care I can think of and it's not enough. I crave SH.
I knew I hit my limit when a student came to me for help this week. I passed her off on someone else. That's not who I am. I was very cognizant of the fact that I wasn't in a good enough head space to help her.
Anyway taking the day off tomorrow. Deep breaths and hoping for a good night's sleep.
Quote from: Deep Blue on September 20, 2018, 12:12:43 AM
I knew I hit my limit when a student came to me for help this week. I passed her off on someone else. That's not who I am. I was very cognizant of the fact that I wasn't in a good enough head space to help her.
As hard as it may have been for you to pass the student onto someone else (because you don't normally do that), that also sounds like very good self-care :cheer: . For all the reasons further up in your post, this is a hard week for you. Self comes first - you probably know the breathing apparatus in airplane analogy? First attach your own, then your child's. I'm pretty bad at 'self comes first' myself so can spot it when somebody else manages.
I am glad to hear that you decided to take the day off, it sounds as if you really needed that this week.
You have alot to deal with and process ontop of your CPTSD and flashbacks.
It's vital to take a break sometimes. :hug:
Blueberry, I do know the air mask analogy. I'm terrible at it. As a teacher, parent, wife, daughter, I've never been good at putting myself first. I'm glad I stepped back this time, but I still feel guilt over it.
Sceal, thanks for reminding me to take time off. I just feel like it's been the constant bailing of water lately and I needed a day to patch the boat so to say.
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So I'm taking the day off today. I'm trying to take care of myself and ignore that my house is perpetually messy.
I don't want to go to therapy later today. I've been with my T for almost 3 years now. I never was a needy client. It used to be that I only reached out if I was really struggling. Only once In the first 2 years had I ever needed to have an extra session. This week, I emailed her 5 of the 7 days between sessions.
I feel needy and pathetic. My world has been so shaken the past month and I just feel so alone.
I open up on this forum and to my T. No one else knows my story outside of the OOTS community and her. My friends and husband know nothing of my abuse. Only 1 friend seems to notice if I fight, flight or freeze. (I'm a freezer every time).
Just cuz one friend knows when I am struggling, I don't want her to become a counselor for me. I just bottle it up and that's that. The last month, it's like I have been holding it in for too long.
How do I move forward without being open that I'm struggling. I ghosted on a friend since last week. She always said she would be there if I needed her. Then she did something that triggered me. I have not spoken to her since.
No one helps me when I'm struggling because no one knows why I'm struggling. I have started a couple letters to my husband and I still hate myself. Who would care about this damaged, irrational person?
I have so many different personas that I have no idea who I really am. Am I the teacher that cares fiercely for her students? Am I the quirky funny friend that lightens the mood and is strangely perceptive? Am I the athlete that kicks your butt? Am I the wife that always has a house that smells of cookies because she bakes so much? Or am I this damaged, lazy person that is the real reason she was abused? It's my fault! Who could love this?
Darling Deep Blue,
You're not needy and you're not pathetic. You are in a terrible place right now and you are reaching out because you need help, comfort and love. :hug: Which you DO deserve. Yes, you really-really do. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to your T when you need help. As you say, you've been with her for 3 years, that is a long time. You reaching out to her now 5/7 days should signal to your T that you are under enormous pressure, and are in dire need of help and comfort these days. That does NOT mean you are needy or pathetic. It means you are a human with human needs.
You didn't deserve your abuse, none of us did - although I can relate all too much to the thought that it is "my fault". It is easier to blame one self, because yourself is the only one you can change. And it is also easier to believe that you are the evil one in the world, rather than believing that you are the only good person in an evil world. (If that makes sense?). What I am trying to say is this; I do not believe that you are a damaged or a lazy person. You've been hurt, abused and damaged at the behest of people who never should have laid a finger on you, or covertly made you believe that you are less than them. The fault is with them, not you.
As for who you are? Can you not be all of those things:
QuoteAm I the teacher that cares fiercely for her students? Am I the quirky funny friend that lightens the mood and is strangely perceptive? Am I the athlete that kicks your butt? Am I the wife that always has a house that smells of cookies because she bakes so much?
?
I understand you can't believe in yourself at this moment in time, but let me believe in you for you until you can.
:hug:
Deep Blue,
I'm at a loss for words so sending :hug: :hug: instead. With practice/usage, the guilt feeling over putting self first will probably lessen. It has for me.
Sceal,
My day has turned around because of your words and my session. She said she had wanted to see me Monday but didn't have any slots. She reassured me that I'm not a lost cause. Even when I told her that maybe I was smarter than her and that maybe she was wrong and that I was a waste of space. Thanks for your words of caring and validation. What would I do without you Sceal?
Blueberry,
Thanks for the hugs. I have had many of those no words days. Thanks for reaching out even though you are having a struggle yourself.
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My session with my T was really needed and I'm exhausted but glad I went. I had a raging headache when I went in and that lasted the whole session unfortunately.
She said I was looking worse than last week but didn't judge me or scold me for going back to SH as a coping method.
I told her that if she's going to ditch me, please give me a weeks notice. I said before she pushes me on someone else, to let me know that! She assured me she isn't going anywhere. She said she knows if I contact her between sessions is always because I'm struggling. I guess I wasn't lookin too hot either cuz she wants to see me again on Monday. (Hopefully I can't do too much more damage to myself by then)
I'm feeling better post session. My headache is gone and my hands stopped shaking. My son and I are watching ninja turtles right now and he is cuddled up with me. Nothing is more grounding than that :hug:
Thanks for this community.
I hope u believe your therapist, you are not a lost cause, you are actively trying to improve your life, I know it is dreadfully hard but that doesn't mean you can't do it, I have faith in u, last week I believed my therapist would think I was a horrible person because I don't want to be friends with my abuser :blink:
So we tend to project our feelings on to others and sometimes we are wrong.
Sorry for telling you that ur wrong but sorry I refuse to believe you are a lost cause :hug:
Ha ha,
Thanks wattlebird! I need to be wrong sometimes :bigwink:
you dear sweet thing you. i agree with what everyone says, and also believe you're wrong about being a lost cause or that any of the abuse is your fault. our traumas distort our perceptions and perspectives because they have distorted our abilities to think logically about ourselves. you would never think these things about others, yet it comes so easily to think them about yourself.
sending you so much love, my dear. and a big hug filled with truth and clarity along with an embrace to just gather you in with warmth and caring. :bighug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 21, 2018, 02:04:24 PMour traumas distort our perceptions and perspectives because they have distorted our abilities to think logically about ourselves. you would never think these things about others, yet it comes so easily to think them about yourself.
Wow San! You are so right. It's crazy how easy it comes to me to criticize myself when I wouldn't ever do it to someone else. It's hard to notice it... thanks for pointing it out.
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Much better day today. I slept much better last night and work went smoothly. The kids missed me at school. Some students cheer when there is a sub. Nope! Not my students! They are so sweet and talked about how they didn't like the sub and how they are glad I was back.
My weekend is busy, but sometimes that's a good thing. I'm looking forward to some cooler weather and there is some in the forecast tomorrow :thumbup:
TGIF!!! :boogie:
Deep Blue-
Oh, fellow teacher, I sure do know those times when we reach out to help students and get triggered over the whole thing. And the self doubt that follows is so nasty. Hard to be kind to ourselves when we get hit by EFs out of the clear blue sky.
You have done a terrific job coping with so much. Your therapist sounds like a caring person, one who knows how hard you try and who thinks of your long term wellbeing. I'm glad you have her.
Your students really like you, and that's wonderful. They feel your concern and know they are seen and heard by you. Even though you fell through the cracks at their age, you are still able to be there for them. Nice.
I send you much love and support. :hug:
Jdog,
Thanks so much. I love that we are both teachers. It's true that I want to help every single kid, but every once in awhile it does send me into an EF. It makes me worry a bit.
I've been teaching about 15 years. The last couple years I've been getting more and more EFs that are directly related to the job. I worry if I can sustain this career in the long run? I'm working on not getting derailed by EFs as much... but am I going to get them the rest of my career?
Deep Blue-
In my experience, as more healing takes place the number of EFs related to teaching goes way, way down. I had a couple of years right after my Mom died when I felt every sadness the kids had and wanted to heal all of them. Now, some 5 years later, I can empathize and do feel sad but don't get derailed. An example is one student, now a senior whom I've known since freshman year who is now homeless. Her Mom is mentally unstable and she's living with a boyfriend and his grandparents. Her big sister, whom I had for two different courses, had a meltdown in one of my classes and it triggered me enormously. But now, with the little sister (admittedly a whole different personality) I can feel sad and be present but not stay stuck in it. I did have one haunting dream after spending time with her this week, but am ok now. She knows that I am always here for her. But I am taking care of me, primarily.
You will be ok, DB. Love yourself and have faith. This, too, shall pass. :heythere:
Jdog,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful words. You really did ease my worries.
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Well it's been a nice low key day. I slept in a little because my son didn't wake up till after 8. Yay!
I had an athletic competition and won very easily and quickly.
Now I'm headed to a birthday party for my father in law.
The temperature has dipped and it's a little chilly out. I love it but wish it wouldn't mess with my vertigo.
All in all, I'm happy with the day. :sunny:
:cheer: 🌞
:cheer:
:) :thumbup: :sunny:
My Lazy Sunday started off productive but has screeched do a halt.
I have IBS. It took me forever to find what my trigger foods were. They suggest you reintroduce certain foods every once in awhile Incase you are not sensitive to them anymore.
Well let's just say eggs 1 and me 0 this morning. I knew it was a low key day so I ate an egg for breakfast, I was grocery shopping when stomach cramps and digestive trouble hit.
Now I'm back in bed with a headache and trying to sleep it off. This too shall pass... hopefully sooner rather than later because I'm supposed to meet a friend for coffee. :zzz:
My mother also has IBS. So I've witnessed how much it sucks. I hope that resting and sleeping will help you so you can have a nice cup of coffee later with your friend.
Trigger warning!!! Physical abuse and self harm.
I had a rough session today. A couple weeks ago, a postpartum friend of mine told me she had snapped and grabbed a belt and beat her son with it. Her son is only 7 years old. I wish I would have told her off. I wish I would have said, what's wrong with you! He's 7! I wish I would have said SOMETHING! I didn't say anything to her. Stupid freeze response.
Belts are such a huge huge trigger for me. How could a friend of mine do that? Anyway since she told me what she did I've been having more nightmares and flashbacks. Many more than I'm used to in my dips.
I talked to my T about it tonight. I blurted... a good person would have yelled at her! She said... so you are saying you are not a good person? I didn't reply. She then pointed out that since my friend told me about her hitting her son... my SH has increased substantially. She asked if i was punishing myself for my freeze response. :fallingbricks: Oh my gosh she's right. :Idunno:
Dam deep blue, that sounds awful, My daughter got attacked by a dog when she was 2 and I just froze, luckily my husband didn't but I was so totally disgusted with myself, I just stood there.
Sometimes your instincts ( freeze response ) just take over, you can't control your survival instincts and it took me a while to come to terms with that, I hope u do too and soon :hug:
Your freeze responce is not something that you have any control over, it's not something you can help. It's your amygdala controlling your body. Try not to hate yourself because of this. You did not hit that child. You may not have reacted the way you could have wished when your friend told you, but you can still bring it up to her and say that this really is not okay. Or you can call children services, I know that might sound drastic. I'm very sad you have to be a bystander for this, and that it's triggering you so much. And I'm glad that you told your therapist, and that she helped you see what's going on with you.
I got some hot cocoa or some tea, if you just wanna sit by the porch away from all the awfulness. :hug:
Wattlebird,
I hope I can come to terms with my freeze response soon too. I just don't know how to come to terms with it ???
Sceal,
I still haven't spoken to my friend. I've gone to text her a couple times to tell her she was wrong in what she did. I can't hit send. Frozen. I'm so ashamed of myself now and I'm ashamed of myself for freezing during the abuse.
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I've had a headache and vertigo every single day the past week. I just want to sleep! I want to feel normal.
Trigger warning****** self harm
My T asked me to try to go 3 days. She says she thinks I can make it 3 days without self harming. I see her again Thursday and she will probably ask.
My issue is that usually I have the willpower to fight that pull towards SH. I'm so tired from the nightmares and lack of sleep that I don't have the energy to fight it. I wake up in the morning and want to do it. I think about it at work. I think about it in the shower and when Im in bed.
I'm so ashamed. What do I do? Why do I have to keep fighting this fight? It hurts to breathe. I have a panic attack brewing in me... I feel it.
I hate the freeze response. If I fought, then hey... I tried to fight my abuse. If I fled, well at least I tried to get away. Freeze sucks! I didn't do anything. I continually punish myself for not doing anything to stop it. This is why I feel... to my core... I should have stopped the abuse. I didn't and I hate myself :'(
QuoteI didn't do anything. I continually punish myself for not doing anything to stop it.
Imo, you did do something. You protected yourself, the best you knew how at the time. Safe :hug: to you.
Deep Blue-
I'm sorry you are in such an awful place. You are not defined by the trauma. You are valuable, caring, and much loved by friends and by your students.
You will get through this. Sending a big hug and lots of love, from one teacher to another!
Three Roses,
Thanks for the hugs. I needed to freeze and dissociate back then to avoid the pain. Now why do I still do it ???
Jdog,
Thanks for reminding me that I'm loved. Hopefully I pull out of this funk soon. I always do... I wish I could fast forward when I feel like this.
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Not much to say today. I had a massive panic attack last night. I think I was tired from it because I did sleep a little more than I have been last night.
I texted a support group for SH and spoke to someone last night. I forced myself to stay on until I knew I would fall asleep and not act on the urge. I still don't really trust myself though...
Good job on reaching out to the support group. I know how hard it is to resist. And everything you're doing in order to fight the impulses are huge and impressive. Remember that I think you are a wonderful person and I'm in awe of your strengths and will to fight.
Big hugs and cups of hot chocolate
Sceal,
Thanks. :hug: and hot chocolate sound amazing right now.
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I just got home from my session with my T. Fighting, changing the subject, avoiding the issues aren't working anymore. All my coping mechanisms that get me through are not enough.
I'm trying but I hate to be that jittery, eyes rubbing, scared person that bringing up my trauma makes me become. I hate one of my inner children! She still is the one that makes me dissociate today. In therapy it is SUCH a fight to not dissociate or have a panic attack. I'm just done today... done :Idunno:
Sorry, sweetie. Hang in there. I've got your back.
Thanks Jdog,
I'm worried about a coworker. I finally printed out local therapists covered by our insurance for him. It's so hard to keep myself going when I'm worried about others.
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Sceal talked about having a therapy hangover. I think that's how I feel today.
I feel more triggered when I'm struggling myself. Everything seems to trigger me when I'm like this. My list of triggers I hit today:
1. Student using SH
2. US politics
3. My aunt was arrested for protesting. She was bound in zip ties and is bruised up.
4. Mention of ptsd by a coworker
5. A belt
6. A particular car
In the end I'm so tired. I was awake for a chunk of last night with nightmares. I just want to keep it together. I'm in pain and no one sees it . I just want to know that things will be ok. I just wish someone showed me they care. I just wish the urge to SH would go away tonight. I just want to sleep without nightmares. I feel like all I'm doing is whining. I should just go to bed before I bring everyone down. :no:
Slept a little better last night. I was just starting to feel a little better. The EF seemed to be lifting... then...
Son has a fever. :stars: I hate feeling powerless when he's sick
:hug: to you and your son. Hope you're both feeling better soon.
:hug: i Hope your son is feeling better. But that you've also have been able to get some rest and a chance to recover from therapy-hangovee
Three Roses,
Thanks for the well wishes for my son. He is feeling much better today. I'm surprised, but grateful for it. I feel myself doing better too. I slept better the other night and it's amazing how restorative that can be.
Sceal,
I appreciate it. I hope the same for you. Be gentle with yourself this week in therapy k? :hug:
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I'm feeling quite a bit better today. Even with that said, the current US political situations is triggering to say the least.
My husband made an insensitive comment on FB about politics and a friend of mine and him got into a FB argument.
He is triggering me! I just want to yell at him! He's a middle class white guy, with no mental health problems. How could even begin to understand? This is part of the reason I have never told him about any of my trauma history.
The fact is, he can't truly understand what it's like to be a woman, what it's like to feel like you are in danger, what it's like to feel you have no way out, what it's like to be... well me.
Deep Blue-
Your comments about the political situation and your husband getting into a FB war with your friend make me sad. I made the decision awhile ago not to be on FB and this reinforced my decision to stay off. No shame or blame to those who participate in that way, but it would be awful for me as I'm sure I would be that person facing off with those who cannot understand what trauma does to a person.
Sorry you can't communicate your innermost pain with your spouse. I'm glad you post about your concerns and pain here, where it is safe. I've been triggered this week as well, felt the heaviness in my heart, body, and soul. I send you love and support from here on the West Coast. Be well, stay safe, and draw upon all of the resources available. I'm glad your little boy feels better!
Jdog,
Thanks so much for your kind reply. Thanks for reminding me of the resources I do have to deal with it. What you say reminds me of the community of this place. This Midwest girl is very appreciative of your West coast love :hug: You are right, this is a safe space to write and I am so grateful for that.
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Monday's are not my favorite, but I still managed to feel somewhat productive.
My T saw me today and it was more needed than I realized. My nightmares and SH have calmed down quite a bit however I've been quite triggered by current politics and easily triggered by things that normally I can handle.
I had a panic attack at work today ??? I read something and before I knew it, full blown panic attack. I luckily was able to hide in a bathroom till I was able to calm down. I was a little on edge for the rest of the day but since seeing my T I'm feeling more grounded.
After T tonight I was able to tell my husband about why politics is triggering me. I didn't explain why I relate to the trauma but I explained how I can relate as a woman. He listened and we had a good conversation about it.
Post panic attack today I'm a bit tired so I'm hoping to be able to go to bed early and hopefully no nightmares 🤞
:hug:
Panic attacks are so tiresome! I'm sorry you had to go through that now, perhaps it might be an idea to avoid the news for a while, until the case is over?
I'm glad your husband listened to you, and that you had a good conversation together. :hug: Also glad you have a T that's listening and helping you through these hard and difficult days.
Sceal,
You are so right. I will have to avoid the news as best I can for a bit. At least I understand where my husband was coming from. It opened my mind a bit too.
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Didn't sleep very well last night, but still felt pretty good today.
Sometimes it heals me to do good for others, so that's what I did. I tutored a student before school, I helped a student in emotional distress and also got another student to the couselor. The counselor sent her to get a mental health assessment. I'm glad we are taking steps to help her.
Coworkers worried about the same coworker as I did. I didn't tell them I'd already talked to him. I did what I could for him, so hopefully if they voice concerns to him as well he will know it's not just me who is worried.
Yes, that's what we do, isn't it? Taking care of others is so important for teachers and it is a way of letting go of our own pain for just a little while.
Good job, you. I have a little crowd that call me "Mom"and, truly, they are mostly being horribly parented. I do what I can for them.
Keep healing yourself, too.
I have read in a few places that helping others is a good healing practice, and it is often the little talks that really show someone some people do care, I still remember the teachers that pulled me aside to enquire about me, even though I never told anyone anything, I was still left with the feeling that someone actually was concerned for me. Keep up the great work, even if u feel u didn't get thru to them or connect or whatever it will still mean something to them.
:hug:
I'm glad that you also learned some from your husband, that hopefully you both opened each others minds a little. It's so important to keep ones mind open, although it can be quite exhausting at times too. :)
Doing good for others and seeing that it means something for them can definitively be helpful. And from what you tell us you have done loads today! And I bet you also did some on the home-front as well with your son. you're strong, Deep Blue. :hug:
dear deep blue, it is awful what's coming out of the woodwork as far as the politics here goes. i stay away from the news as much as possible, but somehow i still manage to see or hear something. i'm glad you and your hub were able to talk about it, tho, and learned from each other. that's always good news.
hope those nightmares have gone and left you in peace.
i agree that helping others can sometimes put our own distress to rest for a bit. i'm often able to write on the forum at times when i need to distract myself from myself.
i'm so very glad you're writing here. thank you for sharing. sending much love and a hug filled with increasing calm and rest.
Jdog,
You and I speak the same language for sure. I often find myself walking with a student around the building while they tell me their troubles and we develop a plan of how best to tackle them. Sometimes it's easy (don't worry there is tutoring sessions in the morning) sometimes it's traumatic (there is a youth shelter that I can you set up with). The hardest is those who have emotional issues. I've walked in their shoes and know how they feel. I feel I often repeat myself in these situations as I encourage them to get involved with an outside party such as a therapist and help them to get set up with one. Many of them call me mom too :)
Wattlebird,
Helping others does seem to help me. The problem I run into is when I overextend myself and try to help too many at once. (I'm always searching for more balance :bigwink:)
Sceal,
You are right, I've been trying to stay away from the news more but it's so hard this particular time. I feel that the message of women seems to rest a bit on the outcome of this situation.
San,
Yes it did take me quite awhile to build up the courage to start a journal (7 months to be exact) but I'm glad I did. I usually write in my own physical journal but this one has the benefit of other members being able to help me when I'm struggling. The nightmares have been cut down quite a bit and I'm grateful for that.
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I cherish those I have come in contact with in this forum. I sometimes look back and wonder how I ever did without?
Nothing much to report today, just :bighug: cuz I'm grateful for you all
Grateful for you, too!
Quote from: Jdog on October 01, 2018, 12:41:44 AM
Sorry you can't communicate your innermost pain with your spouse. I'm glad you post about your concerns and pain here, where it is safe. I've been triggered this week as well, felt the heaviness in my heart, body, and soul. I send you love and support from here on the West Coast. Be well, stay safe, and draw upon all of the resources available. I'm glad your little boy feels better!
:yeahthat:
Dear DeepBlue,
I agree with what Jdog said here - and I am also glad that you've started Journalling - and hope that it's been helping - I remember when you posted on your BIrthday that night, and at the time I thought it was sad that you were alone at home, and your husband had gone out - but I was glad that you communicated here.
You are such a kind and lovely person, you have helped me more than you can know by things you've said to me, and I just want to reciprocate and say how special you have been - and I think the people you teach are lucky to have such an amazing caring teacher.
:hug: to you DeepBlue.
Hope :)
Jdog,
How's your foot feeling? Hope you are having a good week. :)
Hope,
My eyes just got misty. Thanks so much for your kind words. Thanks for the encouragement about starting my own journal. You mean a great deal to me too. :hug:
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I had another good day today. I feel myself coming back again. I often feel I go in cycles. I'm up a week and down a few days. This year I feel like it's more down than up. I'm grateful to be feeling more like myself again.
I went to therapy and we talked about my trauma narrative. It's been awhile since we touched it cuz my priority during the down times is to stay afloat.
I am at a place where I don't think that much of the abuse was my fault anymore. The problem I still have is that as the abuse got worse and worse I never made a peep. I became complacent. My brain was warped and I thought I deserved it. That's what I'm working on refuting now. It's a long road, but I'm going to do my best to keep working on it.
Deep Blue-
It's looking like a stress fracture on the third metatarsal is causing the pain. I'm to get another X-ray tomorrow. Thanks for asking. Glad you are in a better place this week. No, the abuse wasn't your fault and you did use the best survival strategy you knew at the time, which was to just keep putting one foot in front of the next. No shame in trying to survive as best you could. You wouldn't shame a student for that, right? :hug:
Jdog,
I would never shame a student. That is true. I guess it's a demon of cptsd. I find it much easier to sympathize with others than with young me. :Idunno:
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Honestly was feeling much better today. I was doing fine and feeling good. Then I hit 2 triggers within 10 minutes.
My friend was talking about a comedian she saw that did a bit about how Police came to his school every year to talk them about being kidnapped, or saying no to drugs. Part of the bit was he told kids how to escape being in the trunk of a car. I went white and stopped listening. I left and was able to ground myself luckily.
Later I made the mistake of reading something I shouldn't have. I have been in an upswing so I thought I'd be ok. On the bright side, I didn't have a panic attack, but I do have body memories now :no: I think I'd rather the body memories for now...
Heavy sigh... I really do feel much better today but now I feel better with a pretty awful body memory bothering me. ???
Quotepretty awful body memory bothering me. ???
:'( :hug:
It sounds like you navigated triggers pretty well, considering the amount of upset and raw feeling that got uncovered. It's true that we can't heal what we can't feel, but that sure doesn't make it a great ride once we get on.
You have my vote for resilient teacher of the month!
Three Roses,
Still have the body memory but am hoping it goes away by tomorrow. Maybe I'll read a little of the body keeps the score tonight.
Jdog,
I love how you have that ability to put a smile on my face. Reading the "resilient teacher award" made me smile and chuckle. You also make a good point. I'm much better at navigating triggers than I used to be. Thanks for letting me notice my own growth :hug:
i second that award vote.
hoping that body memory goes away quickly. i'm glad you're feeling better in spite of it. and, forward! love and hugs, sweetie.
Thanks San :hug:
I'm hoping if the body memory doesn't completely go away that it at least eases its grip.
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I just had a random thought today. I sometimes think of my hypervigilance as sort of a spider sense. The problem is that it's not always needed. Even so, I can't really turn it off...
It was useful this week because I got 2 students to their counselors before they really hurt themselves and got them mental health evaluations. Another one I was worried about is now in a partial hospitalization program.
But tonight, we were out to dinner and it's like I can't turn it off. I noticed that the waitress had old self harm scars. A woman at a nearby table had a bruise shaped like a hand had squeezed it. She sat there at a burger joint... he ate a big burger and she picked at her salad. What use is that? Why can't I turn it off. I don't know the waitress or this woman from boo, but it's always there.
I have this insane urge to constantly work people out in my mind. In the past it made sense... I learned the skill to evaluate threat... but why do I still do it with everyone?
i think it's because you've been trained well, from when you were very young, to watch for signs, cues, and clues as to what might be happening with the people around you so you knew better what to do for yourself to keep you safe. we are so intelligent, we pick up on who and what is around us rather quickly, become hyper-vigilant in time, and use it to our advantage.
of course, when we become adults, and the horrors are in the past, that 'spidey sense' lingers on. it may diminish in time as we feel more safe and secure in our surroundings and within ourselves, but it helped us survive, in the truest sense, and i think it can be difficult to turn off.
when my professional brain is turned on, it's like i look at people with two sets of eyes - one set on a personal level, one set on a professional level. it's been difficult for me to stop that, too. i'm often evaluating people when i see their defenses on parade. not in a judgmental way, but more as a way to understand them.
hopefully, in time, you'll be able to be less vigilant, or it will be something you can just accept about yourself and move on from it rather than having it bother you. in the meantime, i hope you know that you also have used this sense to help the kids you work with, so i don't think it's a bad thing. getting kids the help they need before they're in too deep - that's a marvelous way your vigilance is working for the benefit of those kids.
we need more teachers like you. love and a big hug filled with clarity and a sense of a job well done.
My darling San,
Thanks for reminding me of the benefits :hug: To be honest, I never thought about stepping back and being thankful for it. What would I do without you? :hug:
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I'm feeling better today. I'm definitely in an upswing. Normally with a trigger like the ones I hit yesterday, I'd be out for the count.
I actually slept last night. :zzz:That's some real progress for me. I don't want to blow it off or minimize it. The body memory is less today. I am proud for not letting the trigger derail me.
Grrrrr
Tomorrow is Columbus Day and most schools are closed. I have to go to work though for professional development. It's only a day off for students, but not teachers.
I was looking forward to tomorrow for my son. His class is supposed to take a field trip to a local pumpkin patch... but now he woke up from his nap with another fever :'( I hate it when he is sick. If he has a fever today, he can't go to school tomorrow. Heavy sigh... probably no school and no field trip for him tomorrow
I am so sorry he is ill again. Drats!! Maybe it will improve over night?
We don't get Columbus Day off. I took the day off 16 years ago to go on the first date with my now wife. She was a State Worker and I think they still get it off. My district has never recognized this.
Good luck with your PD.
Jdog,
My son got sicker last night but I think the fever broke around 4am because he was soaked in sweat and finally was able to sleep. He didn't get to go on his field trip, poor little guy.
PD day was hands down the worst one and biggest waste of time I've ever been to. Ugh. Oh well, I got my certificate at least.
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I had an interesting realization today. When my son gets sick, I am triggered by it. Feeling powerless is a trigger for me. I feel powerless when he's sick.
Luckily he's bouncing back it looks like today, but I'm sure there will be many more illnesses in his future. I just want to acknowledge this trigger.
QuoteI had an interesting realization today. When my son gets sick, I am triggered by it.... I just want to acknowledge this trigger.
👍 :hug:
Good noticing on your part. I am sorry the PD was so terrible. I, too, hate having my time wasted. How disrespectful of those in charge!
:hug:
I am bicultural. My father is from the states but my mother is from the Middle East. I tend to find movies like, Big Fat Greek Wedding really funny because it deals with different cultures coming together.
I usually find Persian comedians very funny. My husband showed me a comedian recently that was Persian and instead of finding it funny... I became very sad.
In my mother's culture, men are everything. They are celebrated more than women. It is typical in the culture to comment on a certain male body part as being "golden". This was in the comedian's act. He said it's impossible for a Persian man to have low self esteem due to this.
It struck my heart. I care about my younger brother... but... he doesn't realize the special place he was given. He was simply born a male... so therefore more important than me. He is blissfully ignorant. I'm sad for young me and for adult me. I will never get to feel that from my family because I'm female. :Idunno:
sometimes cultural distinctions suck. too many people suffer simply because of the families or gender they were born to. i wish it weren't so. sending love and a warm caring hug full of being special in my eyes.
:hug: to you Deep Blue - you are special to me too - a woman with a kind and lovely heart and spirit.
Hope :)
Deep Blue, your many gifts and huge heart cannot be diminished by cultural mores and old ways of thinking. You are a true gem, unique and beautiful. Yes, it is regrettable that others in the family or in your Mother's culture can't "get" you. Their loss, most definitely.
Deep Blue, I was thinking some more about what you said about lacking support and acceptance from your Mom's family due to cultural norms. It isn't very different from my situation, being rejected from my family for being gay. I have cousins on both sides that will have nothing to do with me and it has been very painful. That is one reason I haven't tried very hard to remain in contact with my family. In fact, now that my Mother and closest Aunt are deceased, I actually don't feel like I have an FOO at all. My one cousin with whom I thought I was close has turned out to have emotional problems way worse than I had realized - and while he is not anti gay he is not someone with whom I feel close any longer.
So, I get it. We are these caring, hard working people. And that will never make us enough in the eyes of the bigots. It really sucks. So, we have our chosen families and friends like the ones here. It has to be enough to get us through, because what else can we do?
Dearest San,
Yes you are right. Too many suffer from something they can't control. Thanks for saying I'm special :hug:
Sweet Hope,
You are special to me too. Did I ever tell you my son's middle name is Hope? Well his middle name is Omid, but that means hope. Hope is such a powerful and important message in my opinion. :hug:
Jdog,
I love that you called me a gem. My name, Deep Blue comes from the sapphire gem. ;D I totally agree that we have walked similar steps in regards to family. It's interesting the message that we hear from such a young age. Warm wishes to you friend.
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I'm still feeling on an upswing so I'm going to try to take advantage. I've been doing more avoiding than facing my triggers lately.
I think I should probably revisit my trauma narrative and maybe write some more detail about a couple triggers in my physical journal.
Deep breath and test of strength here I go
sending a hug filled with all the extra strength you need for this endeavor, sweetie. also, lots of love.
Sapphires are the stones in my wedding ring.
Jdog!!!!! Me too! Large sapphire with a halo of diamonds around it :hug:
Mine is small diamonds surrounded by small sapphires. But we are so similar!! Too cool!
Jdog,
I love our similarities. I see so much of myself in you. Nerds of a feather forever! :bigwink:
San,
Thanks for the love and strength. Sending you some back too sweetie :hug:
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Long but rewarding day today. Today had a strange schedule because we worked on character education and also had our homecoming pep rally.
I think character education is so important. What more could a teacher want than for her students to become stronger, happier and caring adults? My students showed their wonderful hearts today and i found it very rewarding. Students wrote comments on papers with a fellow students name on it. So lovely. I threw my name in there too. Students complimented my sense of humor. The thing that meant the most to me was that I had several students say that they could feel that I really care about them. My heart is full. ❤️
I have a headache and am more sore than usual after leaving the chiropractor but I have a feeling I will sleep well tonight.
I was thinking of starting a trend on Facebook where I give shout outs to the people in my life that I care about... I think it would be a good way to spread the love.
Love you all on this forum :grouphug:
:grouphug:
Quote from: Deep Blue on October 11, 2018, 10:26:41 PM
Did I ever tell you my son's middle name is Hope? Well his middle name is Omid, but that means hope. Hope is such a powerful and important message in my opinion. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue, So lovely that your son's middle name is Omid (Hope) - that is such a positive choice - and the important and powerful message you hope for your son, that is also what I hope for all of our future lives - that we can live with complex PTSD and that we can enjoy and appreciate our lives. :hug: to you, Deep Blue.
Hope :)
Deep Blue-
What a nice day, spending time on character ed and SEL things, giving one another compliments and such. I am sure the students' appreciation of your humor and caring ways got you very jazzed!
:grouphug:
Love you all
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Cruised through some tough triggers this week. I'm glad to be ok...
The plan is to do a little work on my own this week. I'm going to journal a little in my physical journal and maybe continue some of my trauma narrative
:thumbup:
sweetie, i would write on your paper about your nurturing spirit, your strength, your positive outlook, your quickness to love, and how easy you are to be around - warm, comfortable, and welcoming. you give so much of these intangibles to your students and to the rest of us whom you touch - it's a joy and a privilege to be part of your life. thank you.
i do hope you slept well. i'm so very glad your students give you such positive feedback. working with kids can be a real challenge, but any time they give a little bit of themselves back to us, it's indescribable. it's so uplifting, mind and spirit-wise, and i know that it gave me the energy to continue on. i don't doubt you find it the same.
they are so lucky to have you for a teacher.
i'm lucky to have you in my life. love and hugs, always.
:hug:
Three Roses and Jdog,
Love you both! Hope you have a great week.
San,
Thanks so much for what you wrote. I've read it many times today. It's helping me more than you know. :hug:
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Woah lots of triggers today: Trigger warning
A few weeks ago, I had cut a friend out who snapped and hit her son with a belt. It was too much for me so I just froze her out. Anyway she complimented a picture of my son and me from this weekend on Facebook. I still don't want to talk to her.
I checked my school email this morning and a student had sent me her college essay to read over. I wasn't prepared for the first line, it was a graphic sentence about self harm. I stopped reading and asked a friend to review it instead. She knows I struggle with SH and told me NOT to read it.
Two more student meltdowns who I took to the guidance office after calming them down.
It's a crazy busy week and the amount on my plate adds to my stress. Lots of self care and deep breaths for the next few days.
Oh, Deep Blue- so very sorry you had to read even one line of an essay that triggered you so much. Good that your colleague stepped in and read it instead. That's the thing about teens - they are very lost in their own confusion and can't think how their drama affects others, especially the adults they trust.
Do take care of you. When someone tells me to take care of myself, it always sounds like a good idea and it takes me a minute to even think how to do that. I hope it's easier for you. You deserve great care. Sending lots of support for this jam packed week ahead of you. Just one thing at a time. Lots of breaths, as you mentioned. :hug:
Oy. Lots of heavy stuff. But big hugs to you, I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.
so glad you passed that along to someone else - great self-care, there.
once again, your advocacy for kids is remarkable. i admire your strength and fortitude in working with this population. you're great.
keep taking care of you. lots of love, warm, caring hug coming your way.
Jdog,
You are so right. I've been there before with students. I'm sure I will be there again. I want to be an adult they trust. It is important to me. Even with that said... sometimes it's more important that I check in on myself in those times. If I'm not in a good place, I'm not any help to them.
TR,
Thanks for cheering me on. It is much appreciated.
San,
Thanks for the support. Giving back to others is very important to me. I have many that are adults now and I'm grateful I was able to guide them through some difficult times. They are stronger now and I'm honored to have played a part in it.
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Not a great night of sleep last night. I was nervous because I had my principal observing me today but I also had hit quite a few triggers during the day. I did get some flashback nightmares... I hate those. Oh well, hoping to sleep better tonight.
Self care is the name of the game for me today. It's hard when I'm so busy. I had the observation today, a meeting after school, and now I need to put snack bags together for my son's soccer team and bake cookies for a staff carry in tomorrow. Ugh!
Tomorrow I have a department meeting after work and then my son's soccer game. My week doesn't really calm down till Saturday.
So today I got my favorite coffee, talked with a friend, and helped my son draw a monster. Hopefully going to bed early because that's important self care for me too.
It's those little things built into a day that take the pressure off and help one to slow down a bit. You make me wish I had a son with whom to draw monsters! Yes, those after school obligations are really something. I teach an extra class on Tuesday and tomorrow will be working an extra 1.5 hours after school as the LGBTQ task force for our district is meeting at my school. That's actually not work, though, just a chance to give support to my students. But traffic is another thing altogether......
Keep up the self care and here's hoping you get a good night's sleep!
very cool - i bet it was a fab monster.
i love the way you continue to put one foot in front of the other despite the difficult times you encounter. well done, sweetie. you are just a lovely human being and an inspiration for us all. sending love and hugs filled with nurturing and light.
Jdog,
My son's monster looked suspiciously like Sully from monsters inc. :bigwink: today we put on some ninja turtle tattoos. (Rafael is his favorite) we also went to his soccer game and he scored a goal! Yay :cheer: After he scored then he spent the rest of the game pretending to be a super hero. Ha ha! As long as he is happy I'm happy.
San,
Still didn't sleep so well but I made a list so I can keep checking things off. It helps me feel accomplished and less stressed to cross stuff off. Thanks for encouraging me to keep moving forward. I'm still doing self care and working hard to keep my head above the water.
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Still hit some triggers today but the good for sure outweighed the bad.
The not so good:
I've been thrashing a bit in my sleep. I've been waking up with panic attacks and it seems to make my neck and shoulders very tense. It's also leading to headaches and neck pain.
My neighbor was teasing his son and snapped his belt a couple times. Can I just say... not funny!!!!!! I was out the door because even though I didn't see it, I know the sound anywhere.
Someone hit my car in the parking lot. They left a note but now it's one more thing to worry about
Ok but on to the good:
- my son played his last soccer game for the season and got a trophy and scored a goal!
- the 2 girls I helped yesterday are doing much better today
- a friend of mine is going to therapy tomorrow. This is her first trip so I hope it goes well 🤞
- the weather is finally cooler and fall is my favorite season.
Yay for your son and his victorious goal and the award,too!! Whoohoo! And having a friend start therapy is a big win, too. The two girls who sought your help and are benefitting now have you to thank for being there for them. That's amazing, and it is just another good thing that you do on a daily basis. :disappear:
You are coping with life's little and not-so-little roadblocks. I admire you and the way you identify triggers and keep trodding on. Good job! And I wish I could see those pretty fall colors with you - ours are not as dramatic here, though it's a bit cooler this week so there is hope for more displays in nature.
Jdog,
Thanks for nudging me and reminding me that those road blocks are not so little. I tend to try to minimize the effect of my triggers so thanks for reminding me that they are big to me and that is ok. :hug: there has been quite a bit of rain this season so the trees are a bit confused. The leaves are changing at different rates. I love the orange and red ones most.
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Yesterday, another member of the forum and I sort of "swapped our inner children". She took on teenage me and I got to hang with toddler her.
I had a dream last night where I was teenage me. I usually hate those dreams because they are typically flashbacks of PA. Last night it wasn't. I can't help but think the reason is because of the good she saw in teenage me. My teenager little felt cared about and loved.
I work with high schoolers all day. I have no problem connecting to them. And YET I could never connect with my teenage little. Yesterday's reparenting is a good first step in me learning to accept that the abuse wasn't my fault.
It's a process but I'm grateful for the revelation.
Dearest Deep Blue, that warms my heart to read. I am so glad you finally had a dream where there was some peace for that version of you, and that there is a step towards no blaming yourself. You and teenage you, are so deserving of love and recognition for all that you went through. I promise it wasn't your fault my dear. :hug: Lots of love to you both
Wow, that's great DB! :cheer:
Thanks Elpha,
I really appreciate your kindness and spirit. My little really appreciated it too.
Thanks for the cheers TR :)
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Tough session with my T today. She wanted me to talk about some of the triggers I don't mention much. My thing is... some triggers don't derail me. They don't give me nightmares. So why drudge them up? I don't get the purpose.
Just wondering if anyone has thoughts on this :Idunno:
Deep blue, I think I have a few thoughts on it. One, digging up the triggers that are less awful first is easier. It also gives you a strong foundation when you go to deal with the ones that do give you nightmares and more symptoms to deal with. If you start with the smaller stuff it will prepare you to do the bigger stuff. Just like we wouldn't want to walk in the door to a therapist and start with the worst trauma that ever happened to us, we have to work up to it.
Two, it once got explained to me that this trauma is all interwoven and messy. That even healing some of the 'smaller' things will at the same time start to heal the bigger things. That no work we do on it is ever useless because it is all connected.
Hopefully that makes sense :hug:
Thanks Elpha,
You are right that trauma is very interwoven. Yeah it makes sense she wants to start with some easier triggers. I just wonder if it will do more harm than good??? I mean it seems low yield inner work if I'm being honest. All I feel is shame when I talk about that particular trigger. :no:
BeHealthy,
Thanks for the encouragement. I think if I can make peace with my teenage little, it would really help my mental health now.
:grouphug:
Deep Blue, I think it will be worth it. Especially if you start to open up about the fact it brings you shame. Shame is normally linked to something much stronger and would open up a lot of doorways for healing I think. In my experience it is more how we feel about the trigger than the trigger itself sometimes. Let me know if that helps at all. :hug:
Thanks so much Elpha,
You are right. Maybe this particular trigger is a safer way to look into my shame. I'll let you know if it helps :hug:
Hey Deep Blue, all my T sessions are dominated by triggers. That why my sessions start in tears. We are working together to find strategies to cope with the triggers, I have managed a few times to shorten "the trip" markedly and come out the otherside able to carry on functioning.
Hi Boy22,
I've been reading your journal, thanks for popping in :wave:
I do have many triggers, but I rarely cry. I have cried about 3 times in 4 years. Twice it was due to being at services for friends that had died by suicide. When the triggers are too much I usually get a panic attack. I rarely go a week without getting a couple of them. :Idunno:
Oh, I used to get so many panic attacks. One summer, maybe about 4 years ago, it happened almost every day. But now, hardly ever. I still have lots of shame, though.
Good job addressing so many sensitive issues in such a short time, Deep Blue!!
Oh Deep Blue,
I have done so much crying in the last few years. I am now begining crying as catharsis, it is both a challenge and a relief,
Jdog,
I am very aware of my triggers. There are very few that I don't know about. I learned them all because for about a year it was my mission to avoid them all. That didn't work with many of them so I'm working through that now.
Last March and April I was having a tough go of it and was getting a couple panic attacks in the day time and getting them at night too. It was exhausting and felt like I had run a marathon after those days. Getting them a couple times a week is a marked improvement for me.
Boy22,
My T and I have talked about my inability to cry. We think that's why I get so many panic attacks. I don't really get catharsis. I bottle and bottle till I get a panic attack and that's my cycle :Idunno: I'm learning how important it is to sit with my emotions.
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Busy busy weekend!
I'm looking forward to Sunday because I am doing a walk for mental illness awareness and suicide prevention.
Suicide prevention is HUGE for me. I have lost 6 friends to suicide :'( My babysitter's brother also died by suicide a month and a half ago. It's such an important cause is that very close to my heart ❤️
Suicide prevention is a huge issue, for sure. I think that our school district has made training around this issue mandatory for all of us, but I am not sure when or where the training is to take place. Good for you doing the awareness walk. Being that you and I both work with students who, by virtue of their age and lack of perspective about life's ups , we know that it matters a ton to be aware of this. I am so sorry for the losses of your friends! I have only ever knowingly lost one friend to this, but it forever changed me.
Enjoy your fall weekend!
sweetie, i hope you have a great walk tomorrow - it seems that this issue is on the rise. horrible that you've had to go thru that experience with your friends over and over. my oldest d used to threaten suicide all the time, take pills, kept me in a hyper-aroused state for years on end, scrambling her to the hospital, being on edge every time the phone rang. it's the worst.
crying - either we cry a lot or hardly at all, it seems. i stopped crying for something like 30 yrs. until i got into therapy, then i couldn't stop. i'm only just beginning to find a 'balance', so to speak. i hope that you will eventually allow those tears to fall, cleansing, cathartic tears for all your losses, heartaches, and pain. people talk about having 'a good cry'. it certainly can be.
sending much love and a hug full of safety and sureness to you. someday you'll feel safe enough to let those tears out, of that i have no doubt. in your own time.
Jdog,
I agree that it is an important topic. They did a training last year and I have to admit I dissociated the whole time. It had come just 2 weeks after my friend had died by suicide and I just couldn't focus on what the presenter was saying. Either way, I'm well informed whether I listened to the presenter or not.
San,
The fact that your oldest d used to threaten it as a tool for manipulation makes me absolutely sick. My own attempts makes this topic very important to me as well. No one knows about my 2 attempts outside of this forum and my T.
——————————————————-
Not sure why I have had a body memory all week. So much neck and shoulder stiffness. Maybe I can go to the chiropractor this coming week.
No matter, still looking forward to the walk tomorrow
:hug:
Dear Deep Blue,
:hug: to you. I know you're going for a walk today - and that you are looking forward to that, and I would like to wish you a lovely time walking - and just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks Hope and Jdog :hug: :hug:
——————————————————
The walk went really well today. I raised over $125.00 for suicide prevention :cheer:
In the past these walks have been very cathartic for me. I get to think about my loved ones lost. This year I wrote each of their names on angel wings. Big gulp... 4 friends, 3 students, (the brother of a close friend). This year I got to thank the universe for saving my college friend. And finally I get a chance to thank the universe for intervening to save me twice.
Sending warm wishes to all. :grouphug:
Speaking for the universe, you are worth saving Deep Blue.
Much love :hug:
Thanks Jdog :hug:
My eyes welled up when I read that. That's a big deal for me cuz that's about the closest I ever get to real tears.
It occurs to me that I have never gotten that sentiment my whole life. I've been told the opposite many times.
Thanks for helping me turn the page Jdog :hug:
You are absolutely worth saving, over and over. I'm honored to be the messenger of the good news, Deep Blue. Hold that feeling close and let it surround you like a blanket. Soft and warm.
Sleep well, my friend. Be safe. :hug:
Yes, you are definitively worth saving, Deep Blue. No question about it. :hug:
Great job participating in that walk! :cheer:
Jdog,
I'm still so touched. Thanks friend :hug:
Sceal,
Thanks for the encouragement about the walk. It's such an important cause to me. I feel mental illness is very misunderstood in the US. I'm sure other areas of the world feel the same. I just hope that my actions can help in some way you know?
—————————————————
Ugh Monday's are the worst.
I swear there is an uptick in the number of kids I send to the counselor on Monday's. I sent 3 today :doh:
It has just been a long long day. I also made a friend meet me today so we could contact some therapists for her. Her anxiety has gotten so bad that she can't even call to make a first appointment with a therapist. Ugh
I'm just so so tired. I need another weekend to recoup from my Monday
Deep Blue-
Yes, Mondays are hard. My students were definitely off today. I was able to refer one homeless student to the counselor. She is in my LGBTQ group and was very openly talking with my colleague about being homeless for a year and now living in a tent with her family in somebody's back yard. Hope the district can find services for these folks....
when i worked with the girls, mon. were also big days. something about having to deal with whatever's going on at home for 3 nites and 2 days on their own i always suspected. i'm just so glad you and jdog are there for those kids.
you're wonderful. thanks for being you. love and hugs.
Thank you for doing such hard work with these kids. And with supporting mental health and promoting knowledge! :cheer:
Jdog,
One of the things about my school that is hard is that kids desperately try to hide if they are struggling financially. We have a great local organization that houses homeless youths. I worry that some who need help hide it.
San,
I suspect you are right about Monday's. Today was a bit easier. I found myself a bit grumpy and am a bit annoyed at myself for taking it out on a friend. I texted her that coffee is on me tomorrow. Hopefully she just went to bed early and isn't mad at me.
Thanks Sceal. I try. :hug:
——————————————————-
In bed but not quite tired yet. I felt like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Hope tomorrow will be better.
I had a dream last night that I was getting a tattoo on my wrist. I don't have any tattoos... yet. I have been giving more and more thought to a wrist tattoo to cover some scars :Idunno: I'm ashamed that they are there. I hide them all the time anyway, maybe a tattoo would help ease the reminder or stress of others noticing???
I don't really care what covers them, just want them covered
I think a tattoo is a clever way to cover scars. You could find something life affirming to cover something that is a painful past memory for you.
Tuesday was better for me also. I hope you sleep well tonight, Deep Blue.
i've seen tattoos used that way, and i thought it was a great thing to do. one i saw that particularly struck me was a pic of a woman who'd had a breast removed. she got a tattoo of a flowered vine down the length of the scar. it was a way for her to turn something she'd thought ugly into something beautiful. and it was.
i don't have any myself - too much pain, and i've been thru enough already without purposefully getting more. my nc d has a lot, and she's used them for strength and support, as well as to hide scars. i totally support your decision to get one, or even more, if it makes you feel better. i think it would be great.
sending love and a hug filled with beautiful images to cover painful memories.
It depends on the scars. Sometimes it'll draw more attention to the area itself. I have one over some of my scars, on the underside of my arm where I got less scars.
If you decide to get a tattoo to cover them you need to be aware of a few things.
1. Your scars need to be completely healed, not just the surface skin, but the tissue below as well.
2. Not all tattoo artists are adept at covering scars with tattoos. The skin changes with scars... Which leads me to
3. Not all scars can be covered well.
I don't know how your scars are, it might be that you'll have none of these problems. You could also look into make up to cover them up. There are make up for covering up tattoos for example, for those who need that for photo shoots or work or similar. Might be more time consuming, but it won't be permanent.
:hug: you are a rock star
Thanks Jdog,
I slept a little better last night. I don't know what I would get a tattoo of. Any thoughts? What is a good life affirming option? (A semicolon wont be big enough)
San,
I'm a bit screwed up I think. I look forward to the pain of shots or getting blood drawn when I'm struggling. It's kinda like a form of SH I guess :Idunno:
Sceal,
I've done makeup before but was hoping for a more permanent solution. The option to get one is another reason not to attack a certain area of my body. Afterwards, maybe I wouldn't want to mess up the artwork? I dunno... what's your tattoo of?
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Heavy breaths today. I'm here but mentally and physically exhausted. How is it only Wednesday?
Sent another student to get evaluated at the hospital :'(. I'm glad that I can see the signs and they are getting the help they need... but it's really hard on me. (I would never show them that it affects me so). Heavy sigh
Deep Blue-
I'm curious about how it is that you send kids to be evaluated at a hospital. I don't even think I would be able to know how to do that. Is it through the guidance counselor?
In terms of tattoos- sorry, no clue. I don't have any myself. If I got one, maybe it would be something to do with music, since I played it quite a lot once upon a time.
I'm bone tired as well. It feels like just coping with the idiocy that comes out of D.C. wears me out, and then I still need to have the energy to lead lessons, guide my student teacher, and work in the school garden with 5 classes. It's a lot.
Jdog,
I say hospital, but it's the local health clinic. I send students to the counseling office and they send them there for evaluation if there is a concern of the student harming themselves or someone else. The student must agree to be assessed.
Deep Blue,
Mine is of an ancient compass, that in ancient times were used as a symbol to find the way home. It'd be on their homestead and on their transportation.
Ok, thanks for clarifying about the hospital. I know we have a specific mental health hospital in my town for holding those suspected of possible SH.
i think tattoos are very personal. my older d's first one was the superman symbol to give her strength. she also got some life-affirming words written on her arms in chinese characters, and a stylized sun symbol across a scar on her upper chest. i think it reminded her to look toward the light.
a friend of mine got a black swan tattoo on her wrist. the black swan story goes that for a long time, no one believed there were black swans, mainly because they'd never seen one. one day some people were adventuring in new zealand, and decided to go off the beaten path. to their surprise, in a little out-of-the-way place they discovered a flock of black swans. and they were/are so very beautiful.
that story always makes me think of us here, struggling with c-ptsd. i think of us as black swans. you have to go out of your way to find us, acknowledge us, and know that we're here, but what a bunch of beautiful people we are, gathered in this place, making our lives work with the help of each other.
anyway, those are the best tattoos i know. if you decide to get one or more (and i think my d also utilized the pain of it), i have no doubt you'll come upon what is absolutely correct for you. and it will mean a lot, and you'll be glad you did it. sending love and hugs always.
Jdog,
One more of mine got sent to be evaluated today... it was my breaking point for the day. :stars:
Sceal,
That's cool. I like the meaning behind it very much. I wish you could just design one for me. :hug:
San,
The image of the black swan sounds lovely. Thanks for being you. :hug:
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I'm so tired today. I hit my breaking point and it took all my energy to fight off the panic attack during school. Finally after school I saw my T and it came. I think she may have wanted me to have it with her. I tried to fight it... but before I knew it... my chest closed, my hands shook, my ears started to ring and then... It overtook me. :'(
I use that emoticon but I don't actually cry. I'm tired physically and mentally. The panic attack was one of those that jars the whole body. Without wanting too all my muscles contracted. I'm already feeling sore muscles and I know this panic attack will be one that leaves me sore tomorrow.
Deep breaths deep breaths deep breaths... please protect me from another panic attack this evening. I feel like another tonight will just break me.
:'(
I'm so glad your therapist was there to hold the space for you while the attack happened. I'm so,so sorry you got pushed to the brink by a student's pain and anguish. Your ability to hold it together until you were in a safe place says a lot about your strength.
Selfcareselfcareselfcare. You are loved and held by friends here in cyberspace. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Just wanting to send you a warm and very loving hug, if that's ok :hug: and I agree with what Jdog said about seeing your strength - you must have been very strong to have been able to hold yourself and contain your emotions till you had a safe space to let them go, but at the same time, it took it out of you. I hope you can be kind to yourself and that you get the opportunity to rest soon.
:hug:
Hope :)
:hug: I hope you got through the day okay. It's week-end now, no work for the next two days, and I hope you have something good waiting for you this week-end. Be it rest or a fun tennis match - or something else that'll lift your spirits.
I have 2 tattoos, one drawn by each of my sons at my asking. I asked my eldest to draw a sun and moon for my first tattoo, a reference to a beautiful psalm in the Bible;
QuoteThey have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
Its significance to me is that the truth is always there, seen and known by the universe, and will not be silenced. That
my truth will not be silenced.
The other is a salamander and reminds me of a time in childhood that our family went camping and enjoyed one another, and everything was peaceful. This is symbolic to me that even though there was such chaos and violence in childhood, there were moments when all was well. That now, when I feel the chaos still but only internally, I can find peace at my core, true self.
I've also heard of people who draw on their skin when they feel like they may SH. There are special pens for this, and also henna. Not so daunting, when the image will be impermanent. It occurs to me that this may be a way to try a design on for size, see how it sits with you.
You're on the frontlines of something that goes unnoticed by much of the adult world. Thanks for taking time to intervene and change these kids' courses for the better.
Quote from: Three Roses on October 26, 2018, 08:52:28 PM
I've also heard of people who draw on their skin when they feel like they may SH. There are special pens for this, and also henna. Not so daunting, when the image will be impermanent. It occurs to me that this may be a way to try a design on for size, see how it sits with you.
You're on the frontlines of something that goes unnoticed by much of the adult world. Thanks for taking time to intervene and change these kids' courses for the better.
That's a really interesting thing, Three Roses! With the pens, thank you for sharing that. I'm going to look into that. And I also want to join you in saying Thanks, Deep Blue, for taking the time with these kids and investing in their wellbeing and life. It's a major thing!
Jdog,
You are right. A couple years ago, I wouldn't have been able to hold the panic attack back. Thanks for allowing me to take a step back and appreciate that. :hug:
Hope,
I will never turn down a hug from you. I think you are correct too. The reason it took it out of me is because I fought against it so long.
Sceal,
I've been doing lots of baking. Just trying to stay grounded and in the present.
3roses,
I have seen those pens before. I love the idea of someone I care about designing my tattoo. If my son wasn't just 4 maybe I'd let him design mine ha ha. Thanks so much for appreciating the work I do with kids. I really means a lot to me. I'd just feel bad when my well is dry and I don't have any reserves to help them.
——————————————————-
I'm ok. I'd be lying if I said I was any better. I'm sore from the panic attack yesterday. I'm thankful the universe spared me another one last night.
I just want to go to bed early but my coworker is wasted and texting me constantly right now. It's getting really sexual and I just can't deal anymore.
Love you all. Send me good vibes so I can sleep well tonight. I'm so so tired
I'm sending the good vibes and also a frown to the wasted coworker. Can you just phone off and ignore this rudeness? Love you, Deep Blue. You deserve sleep!
Dear Deep Blue,
I think I might have missed something, is your coworker hitting on you? Sounds like a really difficult position to be in! I'm sending you all the good vibes that I can! <3 Lots of love
Thank you friends from protecting me from nightmares last night. I got exactly what I needed. A solid night's sleep can be so rejuvenating :worship:
Jdog,
I told him that I had put my son to bed and that I was going to spend time with my husband, and then I put the phone on silence :hug:
Sceal,
My coworker was so drunk he would have hit on a lamp! He is severely depressed and I worry about his mental health. Yes he was hitting on me, my friends, and coworkers last night. All by text. Thanks for the good vibes :hug:
On to today!!! 💪
Quote from: Deep Blue on October 27, 2018, 01:18:42 PM
I got exactly what I needed. A solid night's sleep can be so rejuvenating :worship:
On to today!!! 💪
:cheer: I hope today has been a rejuvenating day for you - or at the very least relaxing and enjoyable.
Much love
Hope :)
Thanks Hope :hug: it was a great day. I played sports in the morning and then went to a Halloween bash with my son. We played games and drew pictures and he ate candy . After that we got lunch together and he took a nap. My husband is gone to a soccer game tonight so it's still mommy son date night.
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I wanted to acknowledge some progress today. A year ago, if I had had a week like I had this week, I'd be down for the count for quite awhile.
I think I'm improving here. Before this forum, I'd suffer in silence. I'd still have my T but I was in a cycle where I would bottle bottle bottle till I exploded. When I derailed, it took me weeks to get my feet back under me again.
This forum has changed that. For the first time in my life, I can share with you all and I don't have to bottle. This past week has shown me that when I get knocked down, I bounce back quicker now. :grouphug: thanks for helping me save myself
:hug: :hug: :hug:
You've been helpful and supportive to me and it's made a difference for me. This forum has been good for me too, I finally have a place to express my thoughts and feelings and be understood.
Hurray for bouncing back and knowing that you can do it!!
I am so happy to hear that you have had such an important and tremendous progress in the last year, and just as important is that you experience it, and feel it. It's not only something other people can see. :hug: You've done such a big job, you're working hard every day.
I want to echo what Three Roses is saying too, you've been so helpful, caring and supportive. It has made a huge difference for me. :hug:
:cheer: :cheer:
Echoing the others, you make a big difference in my life also!! Thanks for being here and for being our friend, Deep Blue. :hug:
3 Roses,
I'm so happy that I've been able to be helpful to you. A friend told me that in order to heal, we must feel. I know feeling can be scary but I'm grateful we have this forum in order to sort through the feelings together :hug:
Sceal,
What can I say? I just love you. ❤️
Jdog,
My nerd of a feather :bigwink: sending you some love friend... hope your wife is feeling a little better today?
—————————————————-
I had a great weekend. My son and husband and I carved pumpkins at the neighbors' house this weekend. I love to sculpt pumpkins. It's when you peel the skin and create a 3D effect with the pumpkin. Ray Villafane is excellent if you are curious and want to check it out. I did a goblin/flying monkey thing this year.
Today is Tuesday and even though my week is crazy busy, I feel my feet under me. That's a huge improvement for me. Last week was rough, but here I am, on the other side of it. Now I can remind myself that I can fight this demon. I've done it before and if I need to, I can do it again 💪
so glad for your pumpkin creativity. i'm not so much, but i appreciate it in others.
you know, if you're going to do a pen tattoo, maybe your son could actually design it for you. it would be so personal, close to your heart, and i bet he'd get a big kick out of seeing his artistic rendition on your skin. i know that childrens' art is usually relegated to the refrigerator, but i'm a firm believer of showing it off in a more unconventional manner.
when my girls were like 5 and 8, they each drew a picture of a girl, neither one of them was an artist, but those drawings were so dear to me. i had them framed and put them up in our living room. i still have them, am planning to put them on the walls of my room soon. i like the purity of a child's conception of life around them. just a thought.
am very glad to hear that you are making progress with all this. this forum is amazing, the people here are amazing - so generous, caring, supportive, and helpful. i know that immersing myself in this environment has helped me more than i ever imagined. you've been a big part of that for me, too.
keep taking care of you, sweetie. sending lots of love and a hug filled with continuing progress.
Hi deep blue, I like sans idea of your son drawing ur tattoo.
Sending hugs
Quote from: Deep Blue on October 30, 2018, 12:33:51 PM
I feel my feet under me. That's a huge improvement for me. Last week was rough, but here I am, on the other side of it. Now I can remind myself that I can fight this demon. I've done it before and if I need to, I can do it again 💪
:cheer: to you Deep Blue :hug:
Hope :)
QuoteNow I can remind myself that I can fight this demon. I've done it before and if I need to, I can do it again 💪
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
you go, girl. we're fighting right alongside you. love and hugs!
San,
I think we all have some sort of creativity within us. I can't draw very well, but for some reason, pumpkin sculpting totally my jam :bigwink:
Wattlebird and San,
Yeah I may look through some of my son's drawings. His pic of me is on our fridge.
Hope and 3roses,
Thanks for the cheers and validation.
—————————————————-
Tough but good day at therapy today. My T complimented me on my self care this past week.
She was impressed with the choices I made to find balance after last Thursday. Instead of going out drinking last Friday I chose to stay home and bake instead.
Anyway, tough topic today that I have lots of shame about. Still too much shame to write about it. I think that may be ok though. Maybe I will let go of the shame of this particular memory eventually. Till then... self care when the world goes off kilter
You will shed the shame when it feels safer to release it. Good for you for trusting your own instincts. Sending much love and support to you!
:yeahthat:
even tho i experience this shame thing about stuff, it's still odd to me how this dynamic works. i've hidden stuff, not brought it out into the open, (even when i've known it's the best thing to do, cuz shame stuff only grows in the dark), but i still don't 'get' the reasoning behind it, why we're ashamed of some things that were done to us, or that others did, like we're beholden to keep their secrets.
this has bothered me for a long time, trying to figure it out. maybe it's un-figureable. maybe we're just so well programmed that we take it on as our own automatically. dang, they're good at that. argh!
love you, sweetie. in your own time, as always. :bighug:
Jdog,
Thanks for the reassurance. Good news: this particular memory didn't give me a panic attack this week, when they did last week. Progress right? Ha ha... well a little progress.
San,
That is a very good point. The shame should be left with our abusers but that doesn't seem to happen does it. It's a strange dynamic indeed. Love ya too San :hug:
——————————————————
I went to bed super early last night and it was needed ;D I had something to do after work every day last week. Monday was a Halloween party, Tuesday was cooking for my son's party, Wednesday was trick or treating, Thursday was a funeral and last night I had the chiropractor and then finished... yea!
Hoping for a little more "me" time this week. I have a sports competition this afternoon. It's gonna be tough and I'm outta shape so hopefully I win :Idunno:
Deep Blue-
Win or not, you are participating. Hooray for that!
Thanks Jdog,
You are right! Thanks :)
——————————————————
**** trigger warning*** physical abuse
Well it was a long long match yesterday. I was on the court for 2 hours and 15 minutes. Ugh. I had fun but gosh do I feel old. I'm in my 30s and my opponent was in her 20s. I felt super out of shape. I found myself sucking air and saving my strength for a final rally. I won... but phew... I was so so tired.
So today I am reminded of an old trigger. I woke up sore as could be. My shoulders and back feel raw. I feel a bit like I was hit by a truck. Unfortunately that raw body feeling is too familiar. I remember feeling very similar having woken up after a night of P.A.
****End trigger warning ****
I'm excited for this upcoming week. Not nearly as busy as last week. A couple doc appointments but that's it :thumbup: Self care for the rest of today and getting ready for this coming week
Congrats on the win. And if 30s is old, boy am I a fossil. But I understand your meaning. Younger folks always have the edge. But Yay for Experience! Triumph!
Sorry you got triggered. Your P.A. makes me so darned mad. Grr. Wish I had been there to protect little you!!
Rest up and it's good next week seems smoother sailing for you! :cheer:
That's great deep blue, the win I mean, you are doing much better than u give yourself credit for 21/4 hrs and winning is an accomplishment. You go girl
I agree with jdog your PA makes me a angry as well.
I'm feeling old too haha
Congrats on your win! You rock! 👍💪 :cheer:
Jdog,
We are so similar! I think I have written the same thing about being mad on someone else's post of P.A. and said that I wish I could have been there to stop it :bigwink: thanks for getting it
Wattlebird,
Yeah I realized that came out wrong. :doh: My body feels old... not my mind ha ha. I don't think 30s is old, thanks for the support.
3roses,
I suppose there is no need to hide the sport I play anymore... it seems you have figured it out ha ha.
——————————————————
As my achy muscles are fading so are the flashbacks of P.A. I've tried to do lots of self care the last few days. I've been trying to remind my amygdala that it's ok. I'm safe now.
One thing that I find confusing is that I can't tell the difference between body memories and when I'm actually hurt or sore. The only clue is when they show up while talking about trauma but that's it... how do you tell the difference?
Deep Blue-
I don't know how to tell the difference between body memories and actual things related to what's happening now, either. For me, it's a matter of intestinal distress. I had colic as a baby, and now upsetting thoughts trigger intestinal distress. And so do certain foods. And sometimes eating too much of certain foods triggers old memories of abandonment. So, I understand the situation.
I think that with mindfulness and practice you will eventually learn to feel and know the difference. You body needs to learn too, not just you. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
I think it's really hard to know the difference - but I am encouraged by what Sceal said here about Mindfulness and Practice being a way to eventually learn to feel and know the difference - and enabling our body to learn - as it does Keep the Score - afterall. I hope it will share the information over time - that's one of my hopes.
:hug: to you, Deep Blue.
Hope :)
Jdog,
That intestinal distress is a tough one for me too. I'm diagnosed with IBS. Stress is a big trigger for both my body memories and my IBS so that's just another layer of confusion. One thing that seems to help soothe both for me is sipping peppermint tea. Do you know what foods trigger you? Eggs are a problem for me.
Sceal,
You are right... I do need more practice with mindfulness. Thanks for the vote of confidence. :bigwink:
Hope,
I'm glad you said that because I'm reading the body keeps the score right now in fact. I'm hoping it will help. :hug:
————————————————
I slept better last night. I find a good nights sleep very restorative.
Unfortunately our school levy didn't pass :'( My job will be safe but many of my friends may not be so lucky.
I had a good day at work today. My students worked on character education and I love those lessons. I love them because I get to know them each as individuals on these days. I brought donuts for the class and we talked about social media and their relationship with it. I love their thoughtfulness when we do those lessons. Yes they are required by the school but it helps when they buy in.
Peppermint tea helps me, too. Yes, I know which foods trigger me but I sometimes eat them anyways.
let's hear it for restorative sleep! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: to me, that's the best.
school lessons have changed so much over the years. i'm really glad to hear social media is part of the learning process.
we used to bring treats for the girls, too - bagels and cream cheese went over well. as did pomegranates. most had never heard of or tasted one, and they were impressed.
keep up the good work, sweetie. lucky students.
i'm an ibs'er, too. it's settled down over the years, but it was my very first symptom that i was stressed out. at that time the docs never talked to me about it, food triggers, de-stressing - nothing. everything i learned about it was from my own research. my biggest trigger, besides stress overload, is too much sugar. it's a tough one for me to stay away from. when i cave, tho, i pay for it.
anyway, keep taking care of you as best you can. love and hugs always, sweetie.
Just buttin in here, my d has had ibs all her life doctors were no help what so ever, her and I figured out what foods she could and couldn't tolerate although I think one doctor meantioned stress once but said stomach migraines,
Jdog,
I know some of my trigger foods but not all of them. Sometimes avoiding garlic and onion can be so tough.
San,
Pomegranate is my favorite fruit! I look forward to their season each year. As far as the lesson it is a very important topic. I wish so many students didn't have so much of their self worth wrapped up in social media. Hopefully they took a step back during my lesson and realized how great they all are.
Wattlebird,
You are always welcome! I've never heard of stomach migraines. I've had many many ulcers. I'll have to look into it.
————————————————
Sometimes I think I'm a bad therapy client. I always resist. Always always. The truth is... I don't think I'll ever change. I don't think there will ever come a day where I say.... today i would like to talk about trauma....
It's my natural reaction to change the subject and freak out when she points out something that I don't want to talk about.
Here's why I'm bad: a couple weeks ago I wrote a flashback down. I couldn't read it... I didn't want her to read it either. She read it and then I grabbed it and crumpled it and threw it in the garbage.
Last week there was that stupid crumpled up paper waiting for me. She took it out of the trash!!!! Ah!!!!! So today I asked for it back. She asked me if I promised not to throw it out. I said no. Instead I took it again... crumpled it up.... licked it and threw it in the trash again covered in my spit.
I wish I was making this up. So you see... I'm a bad client... I dunno why she puts up with me. :Idunno:
Sorry the school levy didn't pass. I just read that in your earlier post. Sigh. The public wants something for nothing, generally speaking. Glad your job is safe, though.
In terms of being a bad client, I think you are where you are in terms of readiness to deal with flashbacks. Your reactions are the way they are for a reason, maybe self protection now because it wasn't able to surface at the time the PA occurred. So don't be too harsh with either little you or grown up you.
Sending a safe hug :hug:
db, much as you may want to believe it, for whatever reason, you are not a bad client. that is an impossibility. there are no bad clients, no matter what. you know why you did what you did - every client has a reason for doing or not doing something in a session. it comes from their trauma, not from them.
you are wounded, sweetie, so deeply. that's not your fault. and throwing something in the trash that's personal, even after you spit on it, tells a story about that wounding. your t isn't 'putting up' with you, but learning about you, your history, and the effects of your trauma.
you are a wonderful woman who's been hurt so badly she's having a hard time facing it. thank you for sharing - i know it takes a lot of not only courage but character to do so. i love you no matter what. ems is gathering you in, wrapping you up in her voluminous skirts, embracing you in her warmth and caring. i would, too, if i could.
Dear Deep Blue,
First of all sending you a big big :hug:.
Second, I agree with San. You're not a bad client. It sounds to me that you are perhaps moving forward a little too fast. And perhaps you should rather take time to talk about why you're reacting the way you are in regards to that letter, to try and work away the shame you're feeling for being "a bad client".
I don't think you can even start on such a letter before the amount of shame has been reduced.
It's scary to let another person know what happened and how you feel about it. And it takes courage to write the letter, and it takes another round of courage to share it with your therapist.
You're doing good. You are, even if that seems far fetched.
How can you be a bad client, I dissociate when I can't face things in therapy, that's not being a bad client either, it just means your not feeling secure enough to face that trauma at that time, when your more ready to face it, it will happen, b patient with your self and think about what you would tell us if we did that, sorry to say but I laughed at your words " I wish I was making this up" those are words I can fully relate to.
:hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
I also concur strongly with the others that you are 'NOT' a bad client - I think it's most likely that parts of you don't yet feel ready to share - and they are protecting you - as they've protected you in the past - and that's because they have your back. When the time feels right, and with appropriate prompting from your T - at a level that feels right to all parts of you - then hopefully you'll be comfortable to share some more - but in the meantime, I applaud you for the fact you're able to express your needs and pace yourself - I think that's brave - and I think you are wonderful, Deep Blue.
Sending you a warm and loving hug :hug:
Hope :)
Wow you guys, I'm so grateful for you all. Thanks for helping me to refute my words last night.
Jdog,
You are right. That was for sure my teenage little that reacted that way. She wasn't able to speak up then and still doesn't want to talk about... she feels lots of shame.
San,
Thanks for understanding me. I lie to the world all the time. I put on a great show you know. No one in my life really knows what goes through my head. The only person I share my trauma with in real life is my T. All that acting takes a toll and I forget I have the I have the injury of cptsd.
Wattlebird,
Ha yeah I guess I chuckle too at some of the things I do. I was talking to someone else on the forum about how I speak to my T. I've told her on quite a few occasions to "bite me". Who does that???? I will try to be more patient with myself. It's interesting to me that my T specializes with adults but also adolescents. It's my adolescent little that causes me problems so I guess that makes us a good fit.
Sceal,
Thanks for the encouragement. I wonder is that is part of cptsd? If I am doing well... I have a hard time seeing it. Thanks for seeing it. Deep breaths... I may write about the flashback here at some point. It's not violent or anything... just embarrassing. ???
Hope,
You are right I think. My little is scared. She doesn't want to talk about it. She is acting out because she wants to block out the memory. She's not bad... she's just very scared. I think I need to communicate with her and let her know that my T is a safe place. I just don't know how to do that...
Love you all :grouphug:
I've been thinking... not always a good thing...
Controlling... mind warping...
I was so under the control of my abuser. That's where my shame comes from. I'm so ashamed of what I did. I'm ashamed that it got as bad as it did.
*** trigger warning physical abuse and emotional abuse*****
My abuser was so sadistic. So much pleasure from ordering me around, or from hitting me, or from shoving me in the trunk of a car... deep breath deep breath.... how can I ever feel anything but shame? I've heard people who love the dumb 50 shades of grey movies. I don't like sadism... my abuser was such a sadist their imagination was endless... so that's it... so many bad memories... so much shame...
i may be medicated to the hilt right now, db, but i want to tell you, 1- the shame belongs to your abuser. we've all done things that, under 'normal' circumstances, we wouldn't think of doing. abuse and trauma aren't normal circumstances. you were put into a situation where your way to survive and/or stay sane was to do or let be done terrible things. that's not on you, never on any of us, no matter how young or old we were.
2 - you are beginning to bring those 'things' to light, and that's what helps wither them, burn them with a righteous flame, and ultimately destroy them. thank you for sharing. i believe this is a form of self-care, and you are doing beautifully. step by step as you become ready. love and hugs always.
Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you a heartfelt hug :hug: - I also agree wholeheartedly that the shame belongs to your abuser. You survived some terrible things - I wish I had more words. :hug:
Hope :)
Deep Blue-
I can only echo the eloquent words that have already been expressed and to let you know that you are always safe here and I'm so glad you can express this painful set of memories with us. The shame isn't yours, never was. I know it feels otherwise, since I also have shame which is taking a long time to dissipate.
You are terrific, bright, wonderful, and loving. I'm so glad to have you as an online buddy. Sending a big hug and a cup of peppermint tea to go with it! :hug:
San,
It's amazing how many times I find myself saying something to myself that I would never say to others. I would never shame an abuse victim... and yet it's second nature to carry shame about myself. :Idunno:
Hope,
You offering a hug is lovely. Im safe now has been a recent motto. Thanks for always being so kind to me :hug:
Jdog,
Thanks for the tea. I appreciate you as an online buddy too! :hug:
——————————————————-
Well I got snuck up on and hit with a pretty bad flashback today. I took the day off work so I could take my son to the eye doctor. I put him down for a nap and was trying to clean up around the house. I leaned over the back of the couch to grab a cup and it hit me.
Rough flashback and I don't want to get into what it was about yet. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself for the rest of the day. It sorta just knocked my feet right out from under me.
Just trying to relax here and sip some tea till I can take full breaths again.
:hug:
:bighug: sending love and peace.
Thanks San and Jdog,
I took care of myself and felt much better this morning.
——————————————————-
What a day! I'm exhausted!
Yesterday I didn't go to work because I had to take my son to the eye doctor. He has had eye problems ever since he was a baby. He's 4.5 now and he wears glasses and had eye surgery about 1.5 years ago.
He was good at the appointment but unfortunately his eyes are not doing so well. His vision is weaker in both eyes. He has more drifting of one eye and an additional surgery may need to be done. Back to patching an eye for 4 hours a day :'( there's that trigger again. My son's health isn't within my control. Ugh.
Today school was rough. A girl and a boy have some sort of drama going on with them and they seemed to have roped many of the other students into it. It's a mess and I just heard about much of it today. I had to send 3 down to the office to tell "their side" of the story.
I went to speak with the principal about what I can do on my end. He said ignore it. He said if I rearrange seats or change their schedules or anything it causes their lies about each other to gain power. Ugh I hate drama! I said ok, but honestly I'd rather just move their schedules.
Good news is, I'm home and am not as charged as when I first had to go talk to the principal. Deep breaths and more self care.
Blue-
First, sorry to hear about your little boy and his eyes. Not fair at all!! And sorry this is causing you to be triggered. Your self care sounds spot on.
In regards to the school situation, I am confused as to why changing students' seating is not ok with your principal. It seems to me that you want to make a more peaceful environment for everyone, not just those directly involved. Isn't our job to protect the majority and act in the best interests of most of our students, just the same as we also protect the minority against the tyranny of the majority? But I know that you have to respect the direction given by the administration.
Take care and yes, tomorrow is surely a new day.
Hi deep blue
Sorry bout your sons eyes, my daughter has had 4 eye surgeries the first was a 3 mths the last at 4, she also had patches etc she wore her glasses to she was 8 and then again from 20 on, it's so hard to see them go thru this, all my best wishes for successful surgery or even a better no-surgery option. They always let me stay right there with her in surgery until she was under and when she awoke which was great, hopefully they let you do that too, reduces the chances of a traumatic experience for the poor kids. Her eyes are so much better now, only minor drifting when she is sick or very tired.
Sounds like your principle can't be bothered about the kids in your class, how annoying.
Jdog,
Yeah my principal is a man and seemed to take the boy's side in the drama. I know the other people are girls, but I also know I've sent them to the counselor many times. Principal said they were being annoying AP kids... I disagree but in my experience bad things happen when u disagree with our administrators. Teachers who complained last year have schedules they hate this year. So I'm going to keep my head down and just let him pull the strings on this one.
Wattlebird,
Last surgery was for both eyes and they didn't allow me to stay with him. The hardest part was the amount of double vision he had post surgery. About 2 weeks of not wanting to eat... ugh, so yeah, thanks for understanding
Too bad that the characteristic of being a male administrator makes someone blind to the larger picture. I would hope for better, for all concerned. But probably good to keep your head down as you say. I have been crossways with an admin team before, and not because of anything I said or did. Just happened to fit a disfavored demographic. I am glad to have that in the past.
Take care of yourself, friend, and thatbcute little kiddo too!
Jdog,
I wish it wasn't a male female thing but I'll for sure keep my head down on this one.
—————————————————-
Frustrated with my husband this evening. He's so clueless about mental health.
He read some article today that he was raving about. It claimed that an all meat diet cures this girl's depression. :pissed: I hate that! It's like saying that my depression and anxiety is all in my head!!!!!!!
THIS is why I don't tell my husband about my traumas or my CPTSD. I feel so alone
Oh, darlin Deep Blue- I'm sorry you are dealing with your husband's cluelessness around MH issues. If he had ever had depression, he would realize that this article is completely bogus. Humbug.
People actually do learn, change, and grow and he may do that. It often takes knowing someone with MH issues for someone to adopt a more enlightened view. Not meaning knowing about you, particularly. But learning that a buddy has depression or Cptsd or another issue may wake him up. Never can tell.
Meanwhile, hang in there.
Thanks Jdog,
Did I mention his sister was hospitalized for her mental health? Yeah... still he's clueless. He even said that if she lost weight she would be happier :stars:
Oh, boy. Sorry to hear all of that.
Much love. :hug:
Hi deep blue, how annoying is this attitude, I've run into it as well, my hubby has had very similar views and has recently actually suggested the all meat diet for me, yeah, he and a couple of friends were discussing another friends poor attitude to her depression, "why doesn't she get off her bum and go to the gym, she would feel so much better" argh. I tryed to explain her side but they had no concept.
One thing though, I've been giving hubby books on bpd, so he can understand my d and myself better, now he agrees that he has no concept of what is going on, just yesterday he mentioned how he thinks simplistic answers should fix it but he really doesn't understand what is going on in our heads and that they don't really help at all. :cheer:
So there's hope, but it took time.
dearest db, it sucks that your hub will not, cannot, whatever is holding him back from seeing the mh picture for what it is. that simplistic stuff used to annoy me no end when my hub would throw 12-step platitudes at me, expecting that they would fix everything.
so very sorry that you feel so alone even while living with someone. that sucks, too. i get it that someone may not understand (i don't understand all my d's anxiety problems) but that doesn't mean they have to dismiss/deny that something is going on that distresses you - or anyone else. we're distressed - we need to be gathered in, reassured, soothed, and comforted.
clueless, yeah, but it's too bad he won't look into it (like with the obvious sister thing going on), learn about it so that he can be supportive. my heart is with you, sweetie. maybe, as wb says, something will eventually click. i hope so for your sake. sending love and a hug filled with strength and compassion.
Wattlebird,
Thanks for the reassurance. Yes, time. I have time. Baby steps I guess. I like the idea about giving him some books. Honestly, it's like pulling teeth to get him to read a book but Sceal suggested a couple articles. I think that's much more doable. Thanks Sceal :wave: Now to find the right article 🤔
San,
Is it weird that my husband has never even seen me have a panic attack? I get many of them in the middle of the night but he's a heavy sleeper. Is it also strange that you have gathered me up and soothed me more than my husband ever has? This whole forum has picked me up when my husband has been clueless to my struggle.
Oh DB I completely understand this kind of frustration. My husband also thinks everything can be cured with diet. It leaves me feeling frustrated in that I am not able to explain myself adequately, I feel isolated and minimized by his remarks. Standing with you in this, dear DB. :hug:
Thanks 3roses,
Have you tried to get him to come around? What is your opinion on giving my husband a couple articles to read? I don't even know what topic to start with????
He doesn't know I have CPTSD. He doesn't know I have clinical depression. He has never asked why I see a therapist each week. He doesn't know I SH. He doesn't know I have anxiety attacks. He doesn't know about my past traumas.... what I'm saying is that, I deliberately keep him in the dark. Im starting to think his ignorance about mental health is my fault :Idunno:
How can I want him to change when he's clueless someone lives in the same house as him who struggles every day.
We love you, Deep Blue. And you don't deserve to be dismissed. So sorry this is happening! :grouphug:
feeling so isolated and alone is just horrible. i hope he's not actively baiting you, or making things worse at the same time as he's ignoring this. have you ever asked him if he's been curious as to why you go to therapy every week? i don't know what kind of communication channels you two have, so i don't know if asking him would be relevant here.
ideally, of course, he would've shown interest and curiosity in your going to therapy every week.
so sorry for your feelings of isolation, too, 3r. i just think a true partnership means open communication and shared experiences. it's very sad to me to see people i care about missing that in their lives.
i hope he'll eventually come around, db. do you think he'd be willing to read articles? my ex#2 refused to read preg/childbirth books that i got him from the library. if your hub is willing to read, perhaps pete walker's book would be helpful. i hope he'll make an effort.
by your side, sweetie, all the way. sending love and hugs.
DB - I sent you a lengthy pm bcuz I don't want to hijack your journal! But if you think you want him to understand more, imo short informative articles and brief videos are a good way to start. Best of luck! :hug:
Hi db,
Sorry he doesn't seem interested in your therapy, I'm not sure how much you say, maybe start with his sister, comment on how much she must be suffering inside, maybe that's a safer option than discussing yourself, I really am just throwing out suggestions that you might already have done, but talking about mh in general and not specific will soften him up or maybe not.
Jdog,
Your group hug means more to me than you know. You mean a great deal to me too Jdog.
San,
He doesn't actively bait me. He's just quietly clueless. I also don't want to be the one to clue him in. Too much pressure that I don't yet feel ready for.
3R thanks for the PM,
I think the articles suggestion is the way I am going to go. I've been looking into some related to anxiety as a starting point. I know one of his favorite actors has generalized anxiety disorder so I may try to find a article about him.
Wattlebird,
You are right too. I feel safer about broaching the topic with his sister. :thumbup:
You are all wonderful :grouphug:
Hi Deep Blue,
I just wanted to say that I hope that you have a good evening and that I think you are wonderful. :hug:
I did read what you wrote before, and I couldn't find any words to say anything at the time, and I still can't - except that I hope very much that you will find a way to communicate with your husband that works for you both. At a pace that feels right.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope :hug:
I empathize with the no words thing. I was reading an interesting bit in The Body Keeps the Score about words. It said that during flashbacks or dissociation the Broca's area shuts down. The Broca's area is responsible for speech. So that's why when those emotional nerves are hit it's hard to find the words.
—————————————————
I had a flashback at school today... I didn't get a panic attack or anything... it just sorta knocks the wind out of my sails when it happens though. Triggered by a conversation in the hall. Not up to talking about it yet :Idunno:
Blue-
Sending you a warm wish for continued healing from my little road trip. Flashbacks are no fun. Be patient with yourself. For me, that's one of the hardest things to do when recovering from panic attacks and flashbacks. You are not alone, even when it feels like you are. :hug:
Hey darling. :hug:
I think I've told you before that you get to decide what you want to share with whom. That also includes your husband. If you aren't ready, or simply just doesn't want to tell him about your past that is 110% okay. It is your story, your history and even if you once didn't have control over what happened to you, at the very least you can control who you tell what and why.
I told my ex in very vague ways that could lead to alot of interpretation. But it was enough. I wasn't able to then, or now, to talk about it with him. I haven't told my family, nor do I think I ever will. I don't want them to look at me in a certain light, and also I don't think they will understand anyway.
But it is a relief to not hide the clinical depression. You can always blame it on chemical imbalance in your brain, it's out of your control.
I am sorry you had to have a flashback at work, but I think it is progress that it didn't send you head first into a panic attack.
:hug:
Jdog,
Thanks for encouraging me to be patient with myself. :hug: I honestly need that reminder from time to time
Sceal,
You are so good to me you know that? It is my story and I guess I shouldn't worry about sharing it till I'm ready. The fact that I'm wondering about it now makes me think I'm still not ready . And you know what? That may be ok!
——————————————————-
Went out with coworkers last night and it was difficult. Enjoyed time with them but one of my coworker is becoming completely inappropriate with me and offensive to all.
IMO he is clinically depressed. I have tried to help him. But the problem is... when someone is drowning, there is the risk of pulling you under. After his behavior last night, I need to extricate myself. He is a mess and it's terrible to watch. But last night, he was aggressively hitting on me, making lude remarks, and telling me how drunk he is 🤦♀️
Anyway, I need to be firm with him If he wants to go out again. I'm married, not interested, and he needs to start helping himself. I need to put my foot down here for my own sake :sadno:
Deep Blue-
Absolutely put your foot down with the coworker. He doesn't get to treat you inappropriately no matter what his issues may be. He sounds in need of some boundaries, IMO. People need help at times and we can't do the work for them.
Quote from: Deep Blue on November 21, 2018, 06:55:47 PM
I need to put my foot down here for my own sake :sadno:
I am standing with you on this, Deep Blue :grouphug: Sending you strength to do what you want to do.
Hope :)
Sorry about your coworker sounds like he has a few issues going on, good work, put your foot down, it's the last thing you need.
Jdog,
You are right! I'm done with him. I need to just accept that I tried and let him make his own mistakes.
Thanks Hope,
I do appreciate you standing with me. It gives me strength to know you are with me.
Wattlebird,
Yes! To say he has "some issues" is a huge understatement. It's always in me to help others, and I refuse to join his pity party.
Yes! Put your foot down! :applause: standing with you, cheering you on! :cheer:
Feeling lonely and a bit misunderstood today. (I'm being triggered by things that I usually don't get down about)
My M had been nitpicking me so much lately. Things she has been saying include
1. I've put on weight
2. I'm lazy/ I used to do a thanksgiving race each year.
3. I don't ever have time for her (I talk to her everyday!!)
4. She's disappointed in me for not coming around more.
Then there's my golden brother. He's here and she plans his social calendar. I'm in trouble if I don't want to do what he wants to do.
As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm forever inferior for being a woman, my brother did something that I can't do today...
We went and saw a movie and I looked over at my brother... and he was shedding tears. He was moved to tears by the movie.
I can't cry! I'm broken and I wonder if that will ever change... :Idunno:
Blue/
First of all, I used to be nit picked by my M and it sucks! It's the hardest thing in the world to just shrug that off and it seemed like no matter how many times I told myself it shouldn't bother me, it always did. No answers as to how to just "let it go". But I am picturing a brighter future for you and sending support.
As to wondering whether you will change and be able to shed tears, I can only say that we change all the time and it's very likely that you will find your tears. It took me over 30 years to cry over the death of my father, but I finally could. And I couldn't cry over anything for at least 10 years. So hang in there, friend. I'm with you in spirit.
Big hugs to you, Blue :hug: I don't know why it is that our families insist on perceiving us in these time-worn roles that have never fit right.
You are bright, inquisitive, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, intelligent, insightful - why is it that we here, who have never met you in person, know these things about you but your own family refuses to see?
:yeahthat:
I agree whole heartedly with 3r
ditto the above, db.
i didn't cry for 30 yrs. the tears finally came, and came and came. now i'm even able to have a focus for them, and that's helped a lot to intentionally cry about something in the past, or something i never had. when you're ready, those healing tears will come. be patient with yourself, ok? sending love and a hug filled with all the beautiful things you are.
Jdog,
I read somewhere that virgos can't "let it go". I always have difficulty letting things go when it comes to my M. Your perspective does make me feel better though. I hate that you can relate but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. :hug:
3Roses,
I truly appreciate you pointing out positives that my family doesn't seem to see. Your compliments fill my heart because the people on this forum do know me better than people in real life. It's easier to be open on this forum than in real life. When you give compliments it's more real than those I see everyday because you know the real me.
Wattlebird,
Thanks :hug:
San,
It is so hard to be be patient with myself over the lack of feeling thing. I honestly think that if the tears come, it would help with the catharsis. But if you say they will come it must be true :hug: I trust you and hold you in the highest regard and know that you understand the real me. :hug:
——————————————————-
Yesterday was a good day. I went to a tattoo parlor and talked about what I want to get. I'm leaning towards a feather. I told my H that I was gonna get a tattoo but he keeps laughing at me and says I'll never do it.
I'm pretty confident he's wrong on this one.
I've been thinking a lot about self care. I think I'm going to take better care of my body as a form of self care. I feel I've pudged up a bit, so some healthier foods and more exercise seems like a good idea. :thumbup:
A feather is a lovely idea for a tattoo. Very elegant! Will you have a feather of a particular bird? Colourings and such?
A nurse that I had when I was in the psych ward had loads of peacock feathers down her arm. :)
I'm glad you're moving towards treating your body kindly as a form of self care! Think it is a good thing. I hope to join you there soon. :)
i love feathers. often, when i'm outdoors, walking and thinking and i find a feather, somehow it reassures me that i'm on the right track. and, as you know, raven is one of my spirit animals - mystical and magical. if it's something you want, then i say go for it, but not just to show your t he was wrong.
i do believe self-care is always a good idea. i love hearing people wanting to care more about and for themselves. love you, sending a big hug.
Hey Sceal,
I'm thinking of a Phoenix feather. But maybe change the color up a bit.
San,
I honestly think if I get something beautiful, then I won't want to mess it up. It could be a protection from SH there.
Ooh! Loving the phoenix!
excellent perspective - protection against self -harm. phoenix feather would be a lovely choice, to my mind. from the ashes we rise - time and time again. it's so symbolic of our stories here.
glad you're letting that guy go. unfortunately, we can't help everyone, much as we may want to or try to. i've heard that we can wear ourselves out banging against that wall, and they will just continue on with their lives, just the way they want to live them. time and energy better spent elsewhere, methinks.
sending love and a phoenix hug.
I'll thank you both properly later.
I'm freaking out a bit. Those on this forum who know my story, know that belts are a huge huge trigger for me.
I'm in a faculty play each year. This year we are doing It's a wonderful life radio version.
I was excited for it till we were reading the script yesterday and I heard about some of the sound effects we will be using. There is a scene where young George is being hit by the pharmacist. The sound effect calls for a belt to be cracked.
I heard that and I swallowed my heart. What should I do? I mean I don't want to see it, hear it, anything!
My first thought was I need to quit the play. My forum friend said that I should ask for a different sound effect to be used. I'm going to try to work up the courage to make a new suggestion.
Panicky and upset over this. :'(
take your time, sweetie. breathe. breathe again. these triggers so often come at us, blindsiding us. if there's a silver lining, at least you know about it beforehand and might be able to get it changed. i certainly hope so.
is there any way you can prepare for the 'crack'? can you talk to your t about it? there might be some suggestions there to help you in case it doesn't get changed.
i'm very sorry you're facing this. this crapola interferes so many ways in our lives on so many levels. if this play is something you love doing, i hope you don't have to quit. please, be gentle with yourself. sending much love and a caring hug.
I'm sending support to you as you figure out your best option for facing and handling this scary situation. I like that you are considering asking for a different sound effect. Very brave. And I like san's suggestion of asking your therapist for help with this. And as adult you, you always have choices about when and how to face things when told ahead of time that they will be happening.
Sending love to both little you and grown up teacher you. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
I am also sending little you and grown-up you some love and support - it's a challenging situation - but I very much hope you can negotiate a way through it that will mean you can still do the play - but without having the discomfort of those triggering sound effects - I can't think of anything else to suggest - but I hope you're able to cope with whatever happens. :hug:
Hope :)
No wonder you are being panicky about this play. If be terrified..
I don't have any good advice for you as I would pull out and refuse to listen to it.
Big hug. :hug:
Sweet San,
Thanks so much for helping me breathe. I've made a decision and I'm going to ask for a different sound effect to be used. It isn't just the crack of one that is triggering but also the sight of one. So yeah I'm going to ask it to be changed.
Jdog,
Thanks for the hug. Both grown me and my little really needed it. Deep breath too.
Hope,
Thanks for the support. Just knowing that you are in my corner and supporting me makes me feel less alone and that you can help me pick up the pieces if things go awry.
Sceal,
Thanks. :hug: to you too
——————————————————
Talked to my T today about the play. She seems ok with me asking for a different sound effect.
On the other hand she is worried about how interconnected army triggers have become. One seems to connect to another. I was triggered by a rake that had ice on it and just resembled a hockey stick.
Now it's not a particular model of car but the emblem, all models. I get it. She's right.
We will probably get back into exposure therapy but not with the belt trigger yet.
So yeah... I'm exhausted but still trying to fight here
you're a warrior woman, sweetie. good for you for making a decision. that takes a lot, i know. but, you did it, and i'm glad for you. i hope even doing that gives some relief.
exposure therapy can work well - it sounds like you've done it before. perhaps now, knowing you've got all of us in your corner, you might not be so shaky as you're doing it. can you imagine all of us standing around you, protecting you from those fears that might be encroaching when you begin? we won't let them get you - you won't be alone and helpless this time like when the abuse happened.
you're different now, stronger. it took you a while to start a journal, and look at how much you've progressed. at one time you were afraid to write about this stuff, but now, well, you've come leaps and bounds. i have no doubt the same will be true in therapy.
hang tough, sweetie. you've got guts. sending love and a hug full of protection for you against what you fear.
Hey db
I agree with San, warrior women sounds like you to me, you seem so strong in a way I admire, I know you don't think so but when you told me you tell your therapist to "bite me" I admired you all the more, I am such a scared, timid people pleaser that I admire people who can show annoyance like that, im sorry if this annoys you as I know you were ashamed of that experience, but I wanted you to know I loved it.
Change the sound effect, it's an unnecessary problem to have, if they are willing of course.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 30, 2018, 02:19:00 AM
perhaps now, knowing you've got all of us in your corner, you might not be so shaky as you're doing it. can you imagine all of us standing around you, protecting you from those fears that might be encroaching when you begin? we won't let them get you - you won't be alone and helpless this time like when the abuse happened.
you're different now, stronger. it took you a while to start a journal, and look at how much you've progressed.
San,
Thanks so much. I will imagine you will me. The idea of having you all with me eases my fears. Thanks thanks :hug:
Wattlebird,
You don't annoy me! Ha ha, yep I'm pretty sure I told my T to bite me a couple times in therapy yesterday. Yesterday she said, I think you may need to expose yourself and I said, No! You expose yourself! Then I laughed cuz of the idea of 2 women "exposing ourselves" ha ha.
——————————————————-
Still had nightmares last night but then I read your responses and am feeling a bit better. The idea of not being alone this time is comforting. It's like a warm blanket of reassurance wrapped around me. I'm so grateful for your support and care :grouphug:
i'm just glad you can get some comfort from that thought, db. when i left mexico, crossing the border, i was picturing everyone here walking across at the same time our car was going across, and it was extremely powerful. it really gave me a lot of strength to be able to talk to the border patrol person without completely falling apart. i hope that picture does the same for you.
hopefully, you'll have no problem with getting the sound thing changed. sending lots of love and a warm, caring hug.
Grrrr hopping back on to rant! My husband didn't go to work today cuz he said he was up all night sick.
So he stayed home all day and did nothing. I mean nothing! Didn't bring in trash, didn't get mail, didn't put his * dishes in the sink!!!!
So now he's been asleep on the couch for 3 hours since I got home! His stupid plate and bowl are sitting on the couch and he's been snoring it up. If he slept all day, why's he still sleeping now?
Not to mention he still wants to go play sports tomorrow even though he's been too "sick" to do anything today.
Sorry, this stuff just gets to me :pissed:
go for it! that's what your journal is for - to get it out. i'm glad you have a place to do that.
how frustrating. i always hated that kind of thing. grrrr is right.
still love you, tho, even when you're mad. :bighug:
Grrr! :pissed:
I love this place. Honestly after ranting last night, it burned off that anger and I feel much better this morning.
San,
You are so sweet to me. Thanks for loving the many shades of me. Back at you darling :bighug:
Three Roses,
Ha! I laughed when I saw your response this morning. Thanks for always coming to my rescue on the husband front. I adore you. :hug:
Hi, Deep Blue-
I would have written sooner but fatigue got the better of me yesterday. I, too, am standing in that circle around you. I support your words and actions as you work to keep yourself safe. You are very much the warrior woman. Raw courage, a beautiful heart, and great integrity are all yours.
Love you, Blue!
:bighug: All I can say, is that I understand that frustration ALL TOO MUCH. It is so infuriating! How hard can it be, right?!
Thanks Jdog,
Hope you are doing well. We are in the home stretch before exams and the semester ends.
Thanks Sceal,
Yeah, my H can be quite lazy about certain things
Hi Deep Blue,
I just caught your mention that you're in the home stretch before exams and the semester ends, and I hope that you can get through that ok. Sending you a big hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Aw thanks Hope,
I actually like exam week. It's pretty low key for teachers. All we do is grade them and update the report cards 👌 yep hugs are always great from you
Blue-
Yes, finals week is high stakes for students, less pressure for us. My district starts just before Labor Day and so won't be having finals until late January. Makes very little sense, as much is lost cognitively over holiday break, I'm afraid.
You sound better, and I am glad for that.
My husband and son and I decorated the tree this evening.
It's beautiful. Once we finished, my son drew several ornaments to add to the tree. So much love for that kid.
Ahhhh..sweet!
So lovely, Deep Blue.
Here we don't decorate the tree until the 23rd. Or atleast, that's what tradidion says. I have yet to put up christmas decorations at all.. so much needs to be properly cleaned first :(
Hi Deep Blue,
Great that you've decorated your tree - and that you did that with your husband and your son - and that your lovely son drew more ornaments for the tree - I bet it looks so lovely. :hug: to you, Deep Blue.
Hope :)
Talked to the director so I was feelin a bit better today. He resisted a little and said, "well it needs to be a similar sound effect" but I quickly gave him 3 other options and it was ok.
Feeling uneasy tonight. It's one of those panic attacks either before bed or while I sleep kinda nights :'(
I've learned another trigger and it's important enough that I need to write about it here. I was wrecked with nightmares last night.
***** trigger warning PA ********
If I am scolded, or it is perceived that I did something "wrong" this is a huge trigger for me. This absolutely is tied to my abuse. Sometimes I was punished for things that were not my fault. Now, if I hurt someone's feelings, or step on someone's toes, or don't follow proper decorum I'm totally knocked down. Deep breath.... during the worst of my abuse, I was often beaten savagely when I did something "wrong" acording to my abuser. Sometimes this was real, but often it was a perceived slight. My brain doesn't identify the difference between now and then. It causes EFs for me and nightmares and the like.
**** end trigger warnjng*****
I did have a panic attack last night before bed. I also woke up with one in the middle of the night as well.
Today I have body memories and am really struggling to get through the day. Any hugs would be hugely appreciated. :'(
Dear Deep Blue,
Sending you some heartfelt hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: You've been through a lot - realising that trigger and your body is reacting to that - as well as your mind, in terms of processing it. That is huge.
Some more hugs :hug: :hug: I don't have many words right now, but just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Hope :)
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
i have a similar problem, so i get it. i'm sorry you had to go thru such a horrible night, and such horrible experiences. sucks.
i hope your director goes with the options you gave him. and, very proud of you for speaking up for yourself. that's terrific, you courageous thing you.
sending much love and a hug full of peace and calm. ems embraces you, soothes you, whenever you need her, wraps you up till you feel safe again.
Nothing but the warmest and softest hug for you my dear! :hug:
I think that you are just wonderful, I think I am way overdue telling you this, and it sounds as if today would be a good day to remind you of how great you are.
You've made me smile and laugh, you've bravely shared your thoughts and you've been such a wonderful support. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Deep Blue-
You know how I feel about you, sweetie. SO much love here, and a million :hug: too. It's been an emotional day for me, too. Must be something in the air triggering us.....
Aw that's awful db
Sending some hugs
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Still thinking of you, Deep Blue - hope you are ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Hope,
Thanks so much! I'm feeling much more like myself today. I adore that you checked up on me too. Thanks for validating my body memories. I hate hate hate them. I appreciate the acceptance about their existence :hug:
Hey San,
I appreciate the ems embracing me. I read your response many times and it means a great deal to me. Thanks for being in my life sweetie.
Sceal,
It's amazing how I am actually able to breath easier during your responses. They fill my heart with love and I'm grateful to you.
Jdog,
I agree, there must have been something in the air. I'm sorry you were triggered too. I'll go look at your journal. Hope you are doing better
:bighug:
Wattlebird,
Thanks for the validation. :hug: back to you
Aww darling! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
so glad you're feeling better. it's such a horrible thing to go thru. much relief to be done with it.
i'm glad you're in my life, too - can't imagine you not there anymore.
so, we continue our journeys, one foot in front of the other - forward. much love and hugs always.
I think I'm getting sick. Sore throat today and last night. I'm achy and have a huge migraine.
It drives me nuts when my H takes so long to get home from work when he knows I'm feelin yucky. I love my son with all my heart but I feel like a terrible parent when I'm not feelin great and he wants to ask me the millionth question about dinosaurs. Ugh :no:
Then to top it off my M called me and i sent her to voicemail. I texted her that I have a migraine and don't want to talk but she can text me. So now she's mad... I can't win. It's not even 6:00 and I want to quit and go to bed :fallingbricks:
Dear Deep Blue-
Your H isn't being very considerate and your M sounds pouty. I'm so sorry you are sick!! You are always the super Mom and super Wife and super Daughter and I think it is a big adjustment for your family when you can't fulfill their expectations. But remember - your first responsibility is to yourself. Heal, rest, and know that you are very precious!! Sending love and a cup of hot tea!!
i echo jdog's words, db. so very sorry you're not feeling well. it sucks to be a parent when you're sick, but, there it is. i know you're doing the best you can, including with your mother - i hope you can see that about yourself and have patience with you.
my h used to avoid being at home when i wasn't at my best to take care of everything. i finally figured it out and confronted him about it. it's just not fair. i don't know if your h is doing that - it just rang that avoidance bell for me.
sending love, a cozy warm blanket, some cheery flowers - daisies? dahlias? delphiniums? - in a crystal cut vase, and a gentle, soft hug.
Thanks Jdog,
Yes my M is pouty with me. She isn't the same with my brother. Then she acts like she was so worried about me. Ugh... why do people buy this act from her? Thank goodness my husband watched my son so I could go to bed early.
San,
Cozy blankets sound amazing thanks :hug: I hadn't thought about avoidance but now I am thinking I should pay more attention. The thing is, he always seems to drag his feet after work if I don't have dinner ready... hmmmm
——————————————————
I'm feeling a bit better today. I went to bed at 7:30 last night and obviously needed the sleep. I still feel like I'm fighting something but I feel more like I'm "winning" the germ fight if that makes sense.
We started rehearsal for our play. It's going pretty well. It's a "radio" version, which means I have a few roles. My T has a background in theater. I've always made her stay far away during my plays, but I'm thinking of inviting her this year. It's her favorite Christmas movie and since it's radio, my lines will be in front of me. Still thinking about it...
Wow - you have an amazing relationship with your T! Back when I saw mine in person, I would not have considered inviting her into my regular life.....that's impressive.
Glad you went to bed early and took care of yourself!
I think it is wonderful that you are both fighting the germ and doing the radio play. I am glad that it turned out to be something you want and can do, and that you sorted out the previous obstacle around it. :cheer:
Maybe inviting her is a way for you to test your comfort zone levels? I think she would be happy to be invited. But you have to do what is good for you. :hug: don't forget that bit.
glad you're winning the germ fight, sweetie. never a good time to be sick, but this time of year, with all the holiday stuff going on could especially suck. sending anitbodies to help you win that fight!
i'm also happy for you that you were able to get to bed early and get some good sleep. to me, that's one of the best healing devices made.
the radio rendition sounds like fun. i hope you're enjoying yourself.
i guess every t relationship is different. we're taught not to acknowledge a client in public unless the client acknowledges us first - it's a confidentiality thing. i don't know how i'd feel about getting invited like that, but that's just me. i don't know your t or the relationship the two of you have. i don't have any reservations about you inviting her, just a caution not to take it personally if she refuses. there might be a boundary thing there, or an ethics thing. i don't know - it's different for everyone. i'm just throwing out possibilities for that scenario.
otherwise, sounds like a good time - it can be fun to be on stage. enjoy! love and :hug: always.
Jdog,
I chickened out. I didn't invite my T to the play. I have till February so I may invite her later.
Sceal,
I think you are right about testing my comfort levels. It would be a test, just not one I necessarily need to do. So to be continued there...
San,
She's asked if she could come to one of my plays before and I have always answered NO!!!!!! I argued, what!?!? You want me to get a panic attack on stage? Now is the first time I've ever considered it. If she does come I'd also ask that she sit towards the back. If she doesn't want to that's no sweat for me.
————————————————
Today I'm going through the motions... ever have days like that?
My T said that I seemed dissociated yesterday. I told her I was fine... by the end of the session she said I seemed less dissociated.
:Idunno:
Headache the last couple days and some body memories. Not sure where they are coming from? Maybe some trigger I haven't realized? It's a specific body memory of PA so I'm confused
maybe a part of you needed to remain a little dissociate in order to get through the last few days. Sometimes you need it in order to get by something, even if there's no immediate danger.
I hope that the headache passes by today, so you don't have to have that around too. physical pain is annoying to deal with ontop of everything else. But it can definitively be a part of mental stuff. No doubt. :hug: Hope you get to do some self-care today
yeah, i've had days like that. today is one of them. caught a cold, it's knocked me a bit sideways today, so after this i'm just gonna read, watch tv, just snuggle in. sorry your headaches are still bothering you - hope they leave you alone soon.
i agree - you don't need to test yourself. i think this is a 'want' thing - do you want her to come? no pressure nor expectations/judgments. nothing you have to or should do.
keep taking care of you, ok? i'm doing the same. love you lots, and :hug: (just a little hug at arm's length, don't want to get you sick. lol.
Sceal,
Once again you gave me that lightbulb moment. I think you are spot on. I have felt a little overwhelmed and I did need to dissociate a bit. I guess I just didn't realize it. I knew I've been feeling under the weather but now I'm wondering if those physical symptoms are actually mental struggle related.
San,
I'm sorry you caught a cold too. I don't think I can catch a cold through OOTS :bigwink: so maybe I will lean in for a hug anyway :hug:
:hug:
Struggling with body memories today. Just sending this out to the universe.
Please make them go away. I can't take them much more and I'm afraid my resilience is slipping.
Hi Deep Blue,
Sorry to hear that you're struggling with body memories today - I hope that the Universe will offer you some respite from them, and that you find some strength to cope and I'd like to send you a gentle hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
o, darlin', so sorry to hear this. don't we suffer enough with mind memories? then, stick body memories on top of that - it's quite a load to bear. hang tough, db - we're hangin' right beside you. sending love and angel wings to help ease the pain.
:hug:
Love you, Blue. Take care of yourself and know that this, too, shall pass. :hug:
Thanks everyone. I'm gathering your support in :grouphug:
I'm doing a bit better today. The body memories are a bit less. I think I have some holiday blues stuff going on.
Lately I feel like there is this huge hole in my chest. I feel overwhelmed with loneliness and like nobody really gets me.
I hate intrusive flashbacks and they are coming from seemingly out of nowhere lately. One came when I was washing my hands. Another came when I was picking up an ornament. Sorry to be a whiner lately.... :Idunno:
You're not a whiner. You are talking about and processing things that are happening within you. Our silence was encouraged - demanded - by our abusers. I'm glad you're throwing this off. :applause:
You're not a whiner, you're just saying what's going on. It can be good to express that sometimes. You don't have to smile and pretend everything's great if it's not. :hug:
Not a whiner.
Just because you are voicing your current struggles doesn't mean you are whining. It is super straining to have flashbacks and body memories. :hug:
I echo what the others have said! Great job processing and letting this stuff go!,
Hi Deep Blue,
I also echo what others have said here - and I think you have been astute in recognising things that are going on and I don't perceive that as whining at all - just being able to see things clearly - and commenting on them.
:hug: to you, Deep Blue.
Hope :)
Thanks 3R,
Yes, silence was absolutely demanded from my abusers. There is still a little part of me that feels "bad" for breaking that silence.
Blueberry,
I really appreciate that reminder. In real life I always put on a smile and pretend things are good, even when they are not. That's why I started a journal: to be real and say what's actually happening. It's so engrained on me to wear that mask so thanks for reminding me to take it off here.
Sceal,
Yeah the body memories really zap my energy. I can't focus. I hate them. They make me feel like I'm losing my mind. I know they are not real. I know I haven't just endured PA, but my body acts otherwise. :Idunno:
Jdog,
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm processing... but you are right, the next step is to let some of this junk go.
Hope,
Thanks for the continued support and hugs. :hug: back to you for your kindness to me always
—————————————————-
****Trigger warning PA ****
I had another major flashback as I pulled into the parking lot at school today. A song came on the radio. It was very popular during the years 1999-2000. Just hearing it slammed me with a flashback.
I remember celebrating the arrival of the new year and then many of us sat and posed on this plaid red and white couch. Later that night everyone had gone home. :'( The flashback was me holding on to that dumb couch. My toes lifted off the floor with every strike of the —— can't type the word today. I had my arms in front of me and clenched the couch with all my might. I bit my lip and dutifully didn't cry out.
****** End trigger warning****
I'm wrecked with the body memories again today now :'( :'( :'(
Dear Deep Blue,
Please be kind to yourself - sending you a hug :hug: - remember we're with you - supporting you.
Hope :)
:pissed: that you had to endure that. sucks.
i do hope that as this stuff comes up and you're writing about it, that you are able to let some of it go. hopefully, as you continue doing this, the body memories will also lessen. is there a chance you could get a massage? have someone help you get rid of the toxins inside? what a terrible experience to go thru.
and, i don't think any of this is whining. i'm just so glad for you that you can be real here, true to you, and enabled to voice that truth - finally. i've hidden those kinds of secrets for others in the past, too, and it was so scary to put the reality out there for others to witness. i give you a lot of credit for your courage in doing this.
step by step, sweetie. you're moving forward, making progress. :applause: well done. sending lots of love and :grouphug:
That sucks all right, sending hugs and hoping those flashbacks stay away.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope,
Thanks for reminding me that you are with me. Thanks for not leaving me alone in this fight :hug:
San,
Thanks for the support. Thanks for your heart. Thanks for all you are my friend. :hug:
Wattlebird,
:hug:
—————————————————
Thanks so much for the support you guys. The day I wrote my last entry was very difficult for me. I had very bad body memories and felt drained and off kilter virtually the whole day.
I read and reread your responses and am feeling much better today. By writing about the flashback in the journal, and trying to sit with my feelings for a bit, I was able to get that one out of me. But! I wouldn't be able to take that first step of writing it out if it wasn't for you guys.
It is easier to tackle some of the scarier parts of cptsd when I know I'm not alone. Thanks for that. Thanks for putting your arms out to catch me when I feel I'm about to fall.
:grouphug:
I'm always here beside you and ready and willing to catch you if you fall!! It's a great honor to be your internet buddy!
:bighug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Yes, we are here to catch you - if you feel as if you're about to fall - I think we have strong arms - and strong faith that we can catch you - but hopefully you will float gently and find that you can fly. Wouldn't that be great. Sincerely, Deep Blue, sending you a hug of support and love :hug: Know that we are with you. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Thanks you guys. I had a strange thing happen today but I'm ok.
***** trigger warning for sexual content and PA****
I'm crazily trying to get my house ready for having people over tomorrow night for Christmas Eve dinner. My husband was quite helpful today. He helped me shop and bring in groceries and stuff.
I left my son at the grandparents house. My husband and I were bringing in groceries and it became apparent he was feeling frisky. So whatever, we were making love and I had a flashback during!!!!!! That's only happened once before and it completely knocked me out. I had another one today while we were having *. Something about the position of my body and his roughness triggered a flashback. Just as last time, he didn't notice.
I took a shower afterwards and tried to wash off the flashback. I'm ok... just ok.
**** end trigger warning**
Has this ever happened to anyone before? I feel a bit ashamed and a bit damaged. I'm ok, not having a panic attack or anything... just a bit foggy.
sorry you're feeling ashamed, sweetie. personally, i don't see anything shameful in what happened, but then i wasn't in a flashback, either, in such a delicate position. i'm just glad you're ok.
i hope that eventually you can target what exactly caused the flashback so that possibly you can avoid it in the future. twice? that doesn't sound good. love and hugs, db.
I agree with San, no shame there. I myself have usually had trouble with intimacy due to my past, and although I wouldn't categorize my troubles as panic attacks, I definitely have strong aversions to being sexually intimate much of the time.
Here's a big hug for you :hug:
Hi Deep Blue, I very much relate to your experience - I do have issues with intimacy - I've not been able to talk about it too much so far - but maybe one day I will - but I wanted to say I relate very much to what you're saying. :hug: to you, Deep Blue. I also agree with SanMagic and Jdog - there is NO shame there.
I'm glad you're ok.
Hope :)
Hi db nothin to be ashamed of but I understand you don't really control your feelings, early in our marriage I had a couple of triggering incidents, I guess they were flashbacks but my husband noticed as I was aggressive and looked scared it was very obvious I was triggered we never spoke about it but I'm sure he understood and he never repeated the things that triggered me. I think San is right try to pinpoint exactly what is triggering ur flashbacks, it may be that these incidents are just fresh in your mind if you are dealing with things in therapy ect.
Not a nice thing at all, I also just thought of a podcast I listen to its called "foreplay radio sex therapy" it discusses these things and the issues around relationships and sex ;)
Thanks San, Jdog, Hope and Wattlebird. Your responses and insight are so valuable to me. I appreciate you all very much.
I saw my T today and glossed over the flashback during s*. She said... are we Yada yadaing that? I changed the subject and said I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. She didn't push me too hard to talk about it. She said she knows me well enough by now to know when to prod and when it will be too overwhelming for me.
I'm grateful for that. She said she knows I will talk about it to her when I'm ready. She knows Christmas and New Years are hard for me on a number of levels.
I lost 2 friends to suicide in the month of December. One during college and one just last year. I have Christmas related and New Years specific related triggers. My grandmother passed away 5 years ago on Christmas Eve. So yeah, it's just a rough time of year.
I'm getting there though. I'm trying to push myself without overdoing it and derailing.
You are all dear to me. Thanks for the support :hug:
Deep Blue-
I send you support for getting through this time with grace and for gaining in strength and resilience as you go. Remember to be just as gentle with yourself as you are with all those for whom you extend such kindness. You are a shining beacon of hope, a treasure to behold. Precious cargo.
Much love and :hug:
definitely what jdog said, sweetie. the holidays can be stressful enough without all those sad memories added on. holding out a hand - grab it when you need it. i'm with you thru all of this. much love and :bighug: embracing you till new year's is over - unless you still want it. it can go forever.
Big Hug! :hug:
Sending you another hug today Deep Blue - thinking of you at this time. :hug:
Hope :)
Here's wishing you a peaceful, happy new years Deep Blue! 🎉
Today is the anniversary of my friend's death. I miss her very much. We lost her a year ago today. I also woke up with pink eye today so yuck!
—————————————————-
The best thing about 2018 for me was joining this forum. It has given me some good friends and some great lessons.
There has been some really tough stuff this year and I don't know where I would be without you guys. You know who you are :hug: Happy New Year
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Love you, teacher! Happy New Year and may 2019 be better than 2018 has been, in lots of ways. Hope your pink eye heals quickly.
:hug: so sorry for the loss of your friend 💔
I'm sorry about your friends anniversary of her death that can be tough, I hope your new year is good to you, I appreciate your input a lot and I'm thankful that your on this forum as well. :hug:
very sorry about your friend, sweetie. hopefully, 2019 will be better. i'm very glad you found this forum, too. love and :hug: :hug: :hug:
Love ya Sceal! :hug: back to you
Jdog,
Yeah the pink eye is not so fun. I honestly didn't think it was that noticeable but then I was asked if I got hit in the eye. Then today my grandmother asked me why my eye was all red. Hmmm I guess it must be worse than I thought 🤔. Oh well, we are starting back up on Thursday. An odd day, but I'm ready to meet my new semester crop. How bout you?
3roses,
Thanks. Her suicide is somehow different than the other 6 in my life. We shared similar backgrounds ethnically, both teachers, same college, both had young kids... yeah it's a tough one. Thanks for your kind word always :hug:
Wattlebird,
I appreciate you too. Happy New year to you! I hope good things in the new year for us both.
San,
I'm happy I found this forum and I'm happy we found each other. Your words, thoughts, and love are more valuable than you can ever know :hug:
Blue-
I neglected to also offer condolences for loss of your friend. I am so very sorry for this loss. I did not know that you have lost 6 to this same terrible fate. Your love and remberances of them is special, important, and good.
I don't return to the classroom until the 7th, one day before my 60th birthday. Haven't yet decided whether or not to take that day off.
Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you a hug :hug: I wish you the best for today and all the days to come - I hope this year will be a positive one for you. I know you've been through a lot of Anniversaries just now - and painful ones - so I wish you strength and whatever you need to get through these days - we are alongside you. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Thanks you guys. :hug:
I'm sick sick sick with no voice and a raging throat. Feeling sorry for myself and tired, so tired :'(
Sounds awful honey!
*Comes over with a tray containing blueberry and lemon cupcakes and hot tea filled with jummy tastes of healing*
:hug:
how horrid! love sceal's tray. may i add a bouquet of bluebells and daffodils? and some white baby's breath all 'round. get better soon, darlin'. love and :bighug:
Deep Blue-
I am oh, so sorry you are sick. Wrap up in a warm blanket and stay safe while your body heals. These mind/body connections are no joke, and I am sending a sprig of rosemary and some sage for cleansing and healing. Stay hydrated.
Hope today has u feeling a bit better db
:hug:
Still pretty sick. My voice is starting to make an appearance, but barely. Couldn't really swallow at all last night. Had some luck and the sore throat has eased this morning.
I'm sitting in a tattoo parlor right now. I'm hoping to get my first ink today. He doesn't seem to mind I have a bad cold. Wish me luck and strength! I'm excited and also nervous
good luck, absolutely! i hope it goes well. what have you decided on? i think it's pretty cool.
sorry you're still so sick. i hope you can rest and take care of yourself. much love and a big :bighug: to you - virtually, cuz i'm already sick and don't want to get more! lol!!!
Yay Tattooo! :cheer: Hope it'll be successfull!
Wishing you luck and strength, along with a waning of the cold virus!
Dear Deep Blue,
I hope that your new Tatoo is really nice - and that you like it. I also hope you recover soon from your cold. Sorry you have got that, and I hope it goes away very soon, so you can feel much better.
Hope :)
San,
You were right. Even though you don't do much but sit during a tattoo it seems to have wiped out my energy. I took the day off work to heal. I got very sick last night but taking the day off seems to be the medicine I needed.
Jdog,
I'm at the doc right now. I wonder if I have an upper respiratory infection. To be continued...
Sceal,
I ended up getting a Phoenix feather. It is lovely shades of...... BLUE... ha ha :bigwink: it covers some of my SH scars nicely
Hope,
Thanks for the well wishes sweetie. I'm happy with the ink but still pretty drained. Sending u hugs just cuz :hug:
————————————————-
I'm embarrassed I got a tattoo yesterday while I was feeling so sick. I didn't tell my husband because I'm embarrassed that I got one and then ended up crashing for the day. I'm planning on telling him tomorrow. My plan is to tell him I got one after work. Then he will know I got one, and it will be better than how I felt yesterday.
Hopefully good news from the doc. Love you all for your compassion, understand and support :grouphug:
Still feeling a bit sick today bit sick but I'm ok.
I told my husband I got a tattoo. I told him I got it today after work. He's none the wiser.
Now how do I tell my parents? They think tattoos are trashy. I really need this for my recovery though. I want to look down at my arm and be happy with what I see. I don't want to be ashamed of all the marks that are there and now I don't have to be. Yes they are physical scars but also emotional you know?
Good for you deep blue
Stay strong and do what you need to do to support your healing, sweetie. Sending you love and strength.
You don't have to tell your parents, they will eventually see it. And they will comment, but try to shrug the comments away. And tell them that it's symbolic and meaningful to you. Mine didn't like it when I got mine. But it's too late afterwards, it's there. They'll just have to deal with it. They will be the ones with the problem, not you :bigwink:
Hi Deep Blue,
No pressure to tell your parents about your tattoo - you are an adult and you made your choice to have a tattoo that is meaningful to you. I admire you for doing that. I really do. I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
Hope :)
Won a big sports competition today. It was tough, and I coughed a lot but edged out the other girl.
My mom was really happy cuz I brought the win home for the team.
I managed to hide the tattoo. Thanks for the support everyone. Yeah I'll tell her when I'm ready.
It looks lovely and it's so healing to have it. I have not been able to walk around without hiding my scars for 20 years. I feel free
Congrats on the big win, and I am glad your tattoo makes you feel free!!
congratulations on the sports win :cheer:
but definitely congratulations on the tattoo and feeling free - that sounds wonderfully powerful .... and it sounds like it is beautiful :)
Well done on the win, aren't you sick??
The freedom must feel wonderful, I'm glad you got it. We discussed tattoos with my s when he suffered burn scars the length of his arm and hand, but he no longer worries about it, I can see yours would hold shame though (not that I think they should but realistically that's a typical response)
:cheer: freedom
Wattlebird,
Ha ha yes I'm still a bit sick. I conserved every ounce of energy I had and channeled the crowds' cheers to bring home the win. Luckily I won on my experience and not my physical prowess. Ha ha! Those 22 year olds make me feel old! Ha ha
sj,
Thanks so much for popping in :yes: it is beautiful and yes the freeing part is huge to me.
Jdog,
Thanks for the support. I'm happy with my new ink. Some of my friends have seen in it now and NONE of them can see the scars that were there!!!! Yea!!
I'm having a heck of a time trying to kick this illness! My throat is still sore. I went to the doc again yesterday and had them check for strep again. They said it's viral so they won't give me antibiotics. I can't swallow! It feels like there is a sharp stabbing pain in the back of my throat. She told me to take decongestants for it. Grrrrr
Not being able to have a good night's sleep due to throat pain is making me move slow this week too. Not only have I had some nightmares but when I wake up from them... I'm in pain and can't sleep!!! :fallingbricks:
I'm not as active here when I'm sick. I'm a bit foggy and afraid to say the wrong thing to someone. So yeah... that's where I'm at...
Deep Blue
I wish you deep healing and deep sleep. I wish a large healing circle around you - a bubble of relief. Cool mint and frozen icy numbness.
Get well soon, friend. :hug:
Thanks Jdog,
I woke up at 3:00 am last night coughing. Had to take some NyQuil to get back to sleep. Now I'm at work and still very drowsy... ugh :stars:
Hi Deep Blue,
Just sending you a hug, and I hope that you manage to get through your time at work - I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight. :hug:
Hope :)
Sweet Hope,
Thanks so much for your well wishes.
I'm still struggling at night but am mostly ok during the day. What savage virus is this????? I'm sick of being sick.
On the plus side, I'm really enjoying my new tattoo. It's so freeing. I haven't been able to walk around without a watch or something covering my arm for 20 years! 20!!!!!
It really turned out lovely you guys. It looks very real, not a cartoony or drawing. Blue phoenix feather with light and dark blues and white highlights. Sparks are shooting from it at well.
Hi Blue!
I hope you'll feel better soon. I struggle with some odd kind of virus too, I hope it'll leave us both by tomorrow morning. Wouldn't that be nice? ;)
I am so happy you are pleased and loving your tattoo! :cheer: :hug:
Thanks Sceal!
Yeah my brother messaged me to tell me how it's basically my fault for still being sick. He told me the meds I should take. Ugh... I don't remember asking for his advice. Yes he is a pharmacist but I was listening to what they told me at the clinic.
——————————————————
Trigger warning (SH)
I needed to tattle on myself for yesterday. I had a tough therapy session and was so tired yesterday. The good news is I didn't cut. The bad news is that I did self harm... I feel guilty about it. So yeah... telling on myself here...
Ahh..sorry, Blue. Are you feeling better today, physically and mentally? You are such a brave soul, and especially brave to be holding yourself accountable while feeling so crappy.
Sending healing tea, a warm blanket, and some blissful music. :hug:
I'm sorry db, I am glad you can tell on yourself, but sorry u had something to tell. Sending a big hug and hoping you feel better today :hug:
:hug:
:hug: to you Deep Blue.
Hope :)
Big hugs to you. I hope you are doing better today and that you aren't too hard on yourself for sh. It takes a while and many slips before you find other ways that helps you better
Jdog,
Thanks for the warm blanket. It was lovely. My cough is lessening at night so that's good. Physically im getting there. Emotionally, I'm much better than a couple days ago.
Wattlebird,
Thanks for the support. I tend to cocoon when I get like that so I'm glad I was at least able to post that I did it. (Even after the fact)
3Roses,
I like the new picture. Thanks for the hug.
Hope,
Thanks for always popping in to check on me and for your caring heart.
Sceal,
You know me too well. It's the not beating myself up after the fact that I'm struggling with the last couple days. You are right though, it happens and I just need to dust off and keep going. :hug:
:hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
How are you doing?
Hope you're ok db
Thinking of you :heythere:
Hey Sceal,
I'm ok. I've been insanely busy while also trying to get healthy. I've been sick pretty much the whole of 2019, plus my son was sick last week and my play just wrapped on Saturday. I haven't been working on myself as much as I should be.
Hey wattlebird,
Thanks for popping in. I'll hopefully be back to the forum more soon.
Hi Deep Blue,
Just popping by to send you a gentle hug :hug: I am sorry to hear your son was sick last week - I hope he is feeling a bit better this week. I also hope that you are doing ok - I know you're trying to get healthy, and so I wish you the best with that. :hug:
Hope :)
Big hug to you, Deep Blue.
I'm sorry to hear both you and your son has been sick. I hope you're both starting to feel better.
Thinking of you.
:hug:
Hello friends,
Now that February is over I thought I'd pop in with a journal entry.
I'm doing better (health wise). I finally was able to shake the nasty chest cold bronchitis thing I had going. My son had a sinus infection but is now doing better too.
It was good for me to take some time away and work on myself but I missed many of you.
I plan on taking it easy and coming back slowly. Been doing some serious inner work this year and I'm trying to be gentle with myself.
:grouphug:
Glad to see you here, Deep Blue. Take things as easy as you need to, no worries. Thanks for the health updates.
Hi Deep Blue, I have missed you. Good to hear you are doing better health wise, and that your son is also doing better too. Sending you a gentle hug, and :hug: also want to say I hope you take your time and I wish you the best.
Hope :)
hey, sweetie,
good to see you're back and healthier above all. take your time - no rush. always important to do what you can when you can.
love and hugs.
:hug: hello again!
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Hey Jog,
I've missed you. Hope you are doing well. When is your spring break?
Sweet Hope,
I've missed you too. Thanks for checking in and the gentle hug. It is much appreciated.
Hey Sceal and 3R,
Love ya both and thanks for the hellos!
Blue-
Spring break begins mid April, I think it's the week before Easter. What about yours?
Jdog,
Ours is the last week of March.
—————————————————-
Struggling so much. I have been wanting to post but have not had the energy to. I took the day off work and tried to cut myself some slack.
So tired... flashbacks are hitting me during the day. They are knocking it out of me. I can't figure out what emotions they are making me have though??? I am not getting a panic attack when they are over but I feel the blood drain from my face and I feel like I'm going to throw up. What emotion is that?
fear? surprise? being startled? i'm trying to think what might make the blood drain from your face and cause you to be nauseous. is what you're struggling with frightening to you? perhaps the amount of energy it's taking you for this struggle? are you about to go thru a door, but are kind of scared of what that might mean? what might be on the other side?
maybe as you sit with it just a bit longer it will become clearer to you. no matter what, you are not going thru this struggle alone - we're with you. no matter what you might come up against, you have the strength to meet and defeat it, or accept it, which can also be frightening.
love you, blue. :grouphug:
Love you, Blue. You are definitely not alone. Although we are all over the world in a physical sense, emotionally we are right here next to you. Holding your hand, looking into your eyes. We've got this.
:grouphug:
The nausea and blood draining from your face both sound like your body going into flight mode. Sounds as if you're terrified. I'm sorry you're going thru that, Deep Blue. :hug: I care about you and I'm glad you're here.
Three Roses,
You are so right! That is exactly what it is. I didn't realize it because I'm not typically a flight responder. I always freeze so I couldn't identify it! Thanks. You labeling the emotions helps a lot.
Thanks for holding my hand JDog. Looking me in the eyes helps. It feels more supportive somehow. Love ya!
San, thanks for all the options, looks like a combination of the words was right on. You are such a dear to me :hug:
Ugh here we go again...
Will I ever not be triggered when my son gets sick? I swear he gets sick all the time. He turned 5 a couple weeks ago and now he has a fever.
I hate not being in control and I hate that he gets sick
Hi Deep Blue,
Sorry to hear that your son has a fever. I hope he is doing ok today? Sending you a hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Blue-
Don't place shame and blame on yourself for your responses. You deserve care just as your sweet son deserves care.
Sending you kind thoughts at this difficult time.
Hi DB
Sorry to hear your son has a fever, I'm sorry it's so triggering for you as well.
sending a hug :hug:
:hug:
Thanks for the hugs guys. I'm just having a tough time of it today. Can I just say... it's so hard to parent as a trauma survivor. It's like when I'm down, I don't have any defenses If the flashbacks come.
Had a flashback this afternoon and it's knocked the wind out of me. Hoping to get a shower and wash the memory of it down the drain :Idunno:
Hi Deep Blue,
Washing that memory down the drain sounds good. I hope you were successful in your hope to do that when you showered. Sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Your right about parenting as a trauma survivor being difficult, being aware of this though will help you significantly. I hope that doesn't sound trite, I just mean you are far less likely to pass that trauma on to your son. That of course is the hard part, I'm trying to actually encourage you but seems like I'm digging a bigger hole. Sorry
Dear sweet Hope,
Thanks so much. Hugs from you are always great. Thanks so much for your kind words always. :hug:
Wattlebird,
Ha ha it did sound encouraging! Thanks so much. I know you get it and that is validating to me.
I've been having tons of flashbacks lately, some are emotional but many are visual flashbacks and nightmares. I've been Sorting through trying to figure out why I'm getting them. My T thinks I'm avoiding. I think she's right. It just took me awhile to realize it.
Sending along :hug: and the confidence that you will make your way through this hard time.
Thanks Jdog love ya
—————————————————-
Deep breath and huge TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!!!! *********
Things have been really tough for me lately. Kizzie pointed out to me that I'm probably in an EF.
Long story short I keep getting barraged with flashbacks during the daytime.
One of my coworkers' daughter was in a facility for trying to take her own life several times. She was my student and so was my coworker's other daughter. Both of them have now been hospitalized for suicide ideation and severe SH.
My coworker doesn't seem to get that it's not healthy for me to hear about it. One daughter was strapped to a bed when he tried to visit her. (I should probably add that she is high functioning autistic) yeah and I can't help it but it triggers the need to SH in me and these dumb visual flashbacks.
Those who have read around the forum probably realize I don't do well with tight spaces. I was often forced to ride home in the trunk of a car. :Idunno: I always did what I was told and hated EVERY second of it.
Something I have not shared on the forum is.... deep breath deep breath...
I was routinely bound, gagged and left there. My T has called it leaving me "hog tied" which usually leads to me getting a panic attack in session.
So the idea of my coworker talking about his severely depressed daughter bound to a bed is too much for me. It's just too much. I don't cry... tears don't come... another lovely leftover of PA :Idunno: so the only way I have reprieve from my emotions are if I SH or have a panic attack. And that is where I am right now.
So yeah... I'm feel devastated and alone and broken... all part of the EF I guess :Idunno:
If you made it though all that, can I just say I feel alone and that I really need a hug. 😔
Oh my God, sweet Deep Blue. How horrific. How unspeakably terrible for a child to endure such horrific abuse.
My empathy is sky high for you. Truly a horrible, horrible thing to have endured. Gentle wishes for you, peace, self-compassion. :hug: :hug: :hug:
:grouphug:
:bighug:
Horrendous. I have many feelings after reading the horrible things that were done to you. I feel anger toward the one(s) who abused you. I feel sadness. I feel great compassion for you. :hug: You were and are deserving of care, tenderness, and love.
I'm staring at this screen, knowing that words don't exist with which to adequately express any feelings. Except -- the deepest mental/spiritual hug I can come up with:
:bighug:
Not so sure about the huge smile on this emoticon, but I guess it can represent that hope we all have somewhere deep within; or we wouldn't be here...
...for you. For your healing, your spark, and for having the fortitude it takes to struggle past the senseless things that were done. Flashbacks are such a shock to the system. But when broken apart, the 'flash' part of that word can disappear, and can only go backwards. That there is any 'back there' is very disheartening, but it also is where it should be returned, so in the present your own beauty is left shining in spite of all the pain. :hug:
Your story brings up sadness and a huge desire to protect you. I am so very, very sorry that you were made to endure so much abuse. So much more than anyone should ever have to go through, at any age. Yes, have many safe hugs and know that whatever responses you are having are ok and absolutely normal, considering what took place. You are a survivor, a true inspiration! :hug: :hug: :hug:
3 Roses,
Thanks for everything. I didn't feel very cared for in life and i appreciate your words more than I can express. It makes me feel like there is a warm blanket on me. :hug:
Notalone,
Now that I'm coming out of the EF I'm able to feel some compassion towards myself again. When I'm in the EF my brain tells me I deserved the abuse. Thanks for reminding me that no one deserves it.
Woodsgnome:
Quote from: woodsgnome on March 21, 2019, 04:53:30 PM
Flashbacks are such a shock to the system. But when broken apart, the 'flash' part of that word can disappear, and can only go backwards. That there is any 'back there' is very disheartening, but it also is where it should be returned, so in the present your own beauty is left shining in spite of all the pain. :hug:
That gave me more strength than you know. It really helped me ground and realize that in the present, I'm not in danger. I'm not being hurt. The body memories are temporary and it is over. Thanks for your care and compassion.
Jdog,
Thanks, for being you. I have been feeling so lost lately. Thanks for finding me and leading me back to the light :hug:
——————————————————
I feel myself coming back to life again the last couple days. The flashbacks have lessened and I'm about to start spring break.
This forum and you all are so valuable to me. Sometimes I worry when I post things. I'm terrified of triggering others with what I write.
We have all been through so much already. Sometimes I shake my head at the creative sadistic things that were done to us :sadno:
At any rate I'm feeling more myself again and that feels good. Deep breaths. I also hope that now that I am feeling better I can start to read around on the forum again.
:hug:
Deep breaths. Kindness. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
I am glad that you're feeling a bit better, and wanted to send you a hug :hug: I hope your Spring Break will be relaxing and that you can enjoy it.
Hope :)
Yay for your spring break!! Enjoy it for me, too, as I have to wait another 3 weeks in order to have more than two consecutive days away from the troubled youth of today!! :cheer:
Thanks so much 3 roses and not alone,
Packing today. Spring break is officially here and we are headed to Disney world tomorrow morning. My son is really excited and I am too.
Hey Hope,
I've missed you. I always appreciate your insight and love. I will never ever turn away a hug from you either :bigwink: :hug: sometimes when I'm in the thick of it, I try to do on my own. But the fact is, we are social creatures and I needed people like you and this forum to be able to pick myself up. I just needed that helping hand so thanks.
Jdog,
I will for sure enjoy some spring break for you too. I'll get a little sun and lots of walking. :). Hang in there with school and let me know if you need anything
Have a great time in DW where everyone is a kid! Enjoy your time there with your son. :fireworks:
Have fun in DW! :excited:
Hi Deep Blue,
Wishing you and your family fun in DW.
Hope :)
Scratch behind Mickey's ears for me!
Home from vacation. Disney world was great but we are all exhausted.
Notalone,
We all became kids again and the amount of ice cream we ate proves it ha ha!
Blueberry,
We had so much fun. The number of steps you get there is insane. Over 10 miles most days.
Hope,
Thanks for the fun wishes. Hugs to you!
Jdog,
My son scratched Pluto behind the ears instead of Mickey. Pluto's leg started tapping when he did ha ha! Very cool. My son is a Donald Duck kid and he got to meet him. His year was made.
Much love and healing to you all
Pluto!! Love him! Glad you all had such fun. Welcome home, Blue. :hug:
Welcome home Deep Blue. Hope you are settling back in to normal routines. :hug:
Hope :)
Hello all,
I've been wanting to post for the last week but was having trouble with the site. It seems to be working much better now so that's good.
So far things have been going really well the last couple weeks. Only 1 nightmare and 1 flashback last week! Yay! That's huge for me.
I'm feeling good and I'm happy about that cuz the end of April is a rough time for me. The 21st is very tough yearly so I'm hoping my good vibes help me roll through it easier this year
Yes, the site has been glitchy. I am glad to hear you are coping well with things in your life. I will send you special thoughts as we get closer to the 21st. :hug:
Cheers for good vibes! :cheer:
Quote from: Deep Blue on April 08, 2019, 11:33:38 PM
So far things have been going really well the last couple weeks. Only 1 nightmare and 1 flashback last week! Yay! That's huge for me.
I'm feeling good and I'm happy about that cuz the end of April is a rough time for me. The 21st is very tough yearly so I'm hoping my good vibes help me roll through it easier this year
Hi Deep Blue,
Glad to hear you're having better experiences this week - and that you're feeling good and happy. I hope that April will go ok - and that you'll get through 21st - :hug: We're alongside you.
Hope :)
Got sick last night. I have IBS and my dinner did NOT agree with me.
Went to bed with Pepto clutching my tummy. I had to go to bed early.
Unfortunately when my stomach hurts like that it does tend to trigger certain body memories and certain nightmares. I woke up at least twice with nightmares of PA. :Idunno:
So today I was on less sleep and then got nailed with a flashback. It's too early in April! I'm not ready for the anniversary memories and flashbacks to start now :no:
I'm so sorry, friend. I have IBS also and yes, the symptoms do have strong emotional components. I'm sending you support as you tiredly traverse this landscape.
Tomorrow is my union's one day strike. It all just makes me sad and mad.
I'm sorry Deep Blue! Hoping for pain-free time for you soon! :hug:
Not doin so well,
Struggling today. Flashbacks, body memories, intrusive thoughts... I'm fading fast.
Reached out to my T. Hope she can fit me in in the next couple days
There needs to be a sad emoticon that isn't crying. I don't cry... 😞
Yes, I really hope your T can fit you in! Good on you for reaching out.
Thanks blueberry
My T is fitting me in today at 3:30.
Jolted awake soaked in sweat. Nightmare/flashback of PA.... so much PA... i just need to do my best to stay afloat till I see my T. Hugs please :Idunno:
Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you some warm and safe hugs from across the miles - hope you are ok - glad to hear you're seeing your T at 3.30 and hope it goes ok.
:hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
:hug:
:hug: Flashbacks and body memories are so awful. Glad you are able to connect with your T today.
I'm thankful for all of you!
I'm thankful my T was able to see me today. I think she got my hat on straight again. I see her again on Monday. She said she knows this is a hard time for me and that she appreciates that I'm willing to do the work even though it's hard.
:hug: :hug: Good your T was able to help and that she has time for you on Monday too.
Proud of you for staying in this fight! You are an inspiration. :hug:
Sitting in a random parking lot by myself. I'm just gonna break in half I think. I feel the panic attack brewing and it's one of those that I know is gonna rip the world in half
:hug: :hug: if not too 'close', other wise those are just caring compassionate symbols.
Is there anything we can do on here? Remind you of something to help you not have that panic attack? Or have less of one? Anything from Pete Walker e.g.? Or something else?
Dear Deep Blue,
Are there any grounding techniques you can put into place to help yourself keep safe and cope with this - it sounds tough. I'd like to send you a gentle hug :hug: and want you to know we're alongside you - if that is helpful. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Deep Blue,
I feel for you as you experience such intense fear. Do what you can to bring care and kindness to yourself; a cup of tea, a warm blanket, etc.
I'm holding you tight DB - you won't break in half. Breathe, slowly. Let us know how you are doing now, if you can. You are not alone.
Earth shattering panic attack.
Blueberry hugs are always good for me. I dunno, I'm sore still from it but I think another may be coming. :Idunno:
Hope,
I'm struggling and I forget my basic grounding and coping. I'm trying to breathe I'm trying to slow down and take in my surroundings... I just can't take a full breath still and yeah... I dunno what I'm saying
Notalone
I'm curling up with a blanket now. I'm hoping I can get some sleep tonight...
Jdog,
That's what I need more than anything. Keep holding me tight please. Maybe if I stay there long enough I'll stop shaking. I don't know if I'll be able to go to school tomorrow... not like this... :Idunno:
I haven't let go, sweetie. And call in for a sub. It's ok. The students will be ok. But you need to be ok, most of all.
Love you. :hug:
Deep Blue,
Don't worry about tomorrow. One moment at a time right now. I know this feels horrible. You are heard; you are not alone.
:yeahthat: and do call in for a sub tomorrow. :hug:
I'm going to go to bed soon, but I continue to hold you close. I hope you are sleeping now.
:hug:
For Deep Blue
:bighug:
May you be well ... filled with self-compassion ... and able to touch the peace you carry inside, even when it seems so distant; like a candle sharing its glow and helping you find the balance and safety you deserve.
I can't thank you all of you the way I want to right now... I'm struggling still.
I posted on the exceptionally bad day section... I just can't handle this anniversary alone
:hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug:
Dear Deep Blue,
Sending you a heartfelt hug :hug:
Hope :)
We are here, supporting you. All you have to do is think of us, we are only a thought away. :hug:
Helpless hopeless
Back throbbing and it's messing with my willpower. I used alcohol last night to cope...
2 days... 2 days left
Hi Deep Blue. I'm new to posting, but I've been reading entries for a bit now. Over the last few months your words have encouraged and inspired me, and I want to say that to you even more so now, as I see the pain you are in and let you know how much I understand the struggle of just getting through. Sometimes getting through is all we've got, and in that it's a victory.
I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts and strength.
MoonBeam,
Thanks, I feel honored that one of your earliest posts was on my journal. Your words really help... they just do.
I'm glad my words have helped and thanks for not leaving me alone on my island. I wish I had more in me to thank you properly. (Hope this is ok for now) :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you my thoughts and hoping you're ok - :hug: Thinking of you.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope,
I was full on going to get an anxiety attack and then was able to reach out to a forum friend and just the give and take was enough to bring me back down from it.
Still struggling with severe body memories and not much sleep but am trying to fight again
Thanks so much Deep Blue. That was a perfectly proper thank you. Hang in there. Big hugs, if that's ok.
Deep Blue, not sure with different time zones, but I believe this is a really difficult day for you. Before I got out of bed, my thoughts were of you and I prayed for you. You are cared for. You are a precious person. :hug:
Hi Deep Blue,
I am thinking of you today - as I know it's a difficult date for you. But I hope you know that you are cared for - and that you are in my thoughts today - sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Notalone and Hope,
You are right... the day is today :Idunno:
Sending tenderness and compassion to you.
Sending you many warm thoughts and wishes for healing, Deep Blue. Your nerd of a feather is right beside you!
Thank goodness the anniversary is over. I only had 2 nightmares about it last night. That's so much better than what it was the days prior.
The body memories are much less too. I'l think the body memories were down by about 50% this afternoon and now I'd say they are starting to leave. It's more of a dull ache now and not the spasming sharp pains they were before.
I turned to drinking to get me through this anniversary... I'm embarrassed by that... but at least I made it through without SH. That's the first time I have ever done that.
Thanks to you all so much. So many times I felt lost and in pain and I was able to turn to this forum. I was able to read the words you wrote and it allowed me to ground. It reminded me what was real... What was now...
Indebted to you all :grouphug:
Hi Deep Blue,
Glad you got through this, and especially that you made it through without SH - and I want to send you a gentle hug (if that's ok) and say I'm glad you slept a bit better last night, with less nightmares. I hope this continues to be the case and you get some peace. :hug:
Hope :)
Despite drinking, which is certainly something I have done in the past in order to cope with painful feelings, you have been victorious over the past, dear friend. Great job! And no SH! Hurray!
A victory indeed Deep Blue!
It feels like each time we go through this it's different--sometimes a lot and sometimes just a little. Perhaps we're a little more resourced, able to practice even a little more self-compassion. And maybe we just know somewhere inside, that it will pass and we can get through it. It's different too 'cause we're not alone in it anymore and we are loved.
I hope all of my use of "we" is ok. I so understand what you have been feeling and am so pleased for you, that it is passing.
You are amazing and no SH is huge! :cheer:
:cheer: :applause: :thumbup: you rock
I'm so happy to report that I'm feeling "normal" again.
I also came to an important realization during the awfulness that is last week.
I don't share my trauma in real life. I don't tell my husband, friends, anyone and avoid talking about it at all costs. 3R pointed out to me that by being silent, it gives power to my abusers. They knew they could count on me being ashamed and count on my silence.
And so now... it's been almost 20 years and I've been painfully silent. When I have weeks like last week, I don't have anyone in real life that know what I'm going through. My T knows.... but I'm learning it's not enough.
An old friend of mine was an out. It was her being the light at the end of the tunnel that helped me get away from the abuse. Then, the last 2 years, that friend and I have parted ways. She didn't need to know my trauma... I could just hang with her and know things would be ok.
So now I have a HUGE step I'm thinking about. I'm considering telling my husband that I have cptsd. He thinks I go to therapy once (sometimes) twice a week for GAD. I keep him in the dark on purpose. So now I'm thinking of writing it all out in a letter and giving it to him. I'll sit by him when he reads it. I won't tell specifics but I'm thinking if my husband knows what I struggle with... that may help me in the long run.
I'm terrified and not ready yet... but maybe one day soon I will be???
Glad you are through that terrible week. Proud of you for no SH. Continue to be kind to yourself. You have been through a huge, difficult ordeal.
I'm wondering why you keep your husband "in the dark?" What are your concerns &/or fears about him knowing what you are dealing with? (My husband and I go to marriage therapy once a month with my individual therapist. Husband knows some things; limited.) If you decide to share more, is that something you might want to do in a therapy session?
Hey notalone,
I saw your question yesterday... I needed to think through to answer you properly though...
One of my biggest fears in life is that others will see me as I see myself. I work hard to wear a mask in life. I wear it at home, in my job, in social circles. I don't tell anyone about my trauma, including my husband.
In the past he has proven to be dismissive and unknowledgeable about mental disorders. Example: His sister was hospitalized for SI and he brushed it off.
My husband doesn't know that I ever or still do SH. I got a tattoo to cover a spot I had done a lot of damage to. I worry that taking off this mask with him is essentially opening the door to him realizing I've never been fully honest with him.
I chose him on purpose you see...
Hi Deep Blue,
You've made some big realizations - and I want to say that is great - I know you're considering whether to tell your husband about your C-PTSD - and whatever you decide to do, and in what arena you choose to do it (or not) I wish you support and hope that the outcome will be positive for you. I remember when I first told my partner about some of my issues, and I felt very vulnerable, but I was glad that I did. But of course, every person is different about how they are able to handle things. But you've known him for a long time - and therefore there is longevity there that may make it stronger. I don't know.
Maybe discuss it with your T to see what she thinks about it?
I hope you don't mind my saying these things, I am just thinking about what you said, and wish you best with whatever you decide to do. :hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
I understand the confusion and complexity of what and how much to tell or not tell, what can I really expect from my husband, what is he capable of, am I seeing him realistically or is my vision completely distorted by my past, what is safe, will sharing make things better or worse. . . ?
Regarding his lack of knowledge, would he be willing to learn? Of course knowledge doesn't mean he would be able to show compassion or empathy, but for some people understanding does help.
Quote from: Deep Blue on April 24, 2019, 02:09:23 PM
In the past he has proven to be dismissive and unknowledgeable about mental disorders. Example: His sister was hospitalized for SI and he brushed it off.
I chose him on purpose you see...
I am very curious about the last statement you made.
Quote from: Deep Blue on April 24, 2019, 02:09:23 PM
In the past he has proven to be dismissive and unknowledgeable about mental disorders. Example: His sister was hospitalized for SI and he brushed it off.
My husband doesn't know that I ever or still do SH. I got a tattoo to cover a spot I had done a lot of damage to. I worry that taking off this mask with him is essentially opening the door to him realizing I've never been fully honest with him.
I chose him on purpose you see...
I can understand you feeling hesistant to speak up about it in that case. Sounds as if it might be a good idea to run it past your T first? Standing with you however you decide. :hug:
I'm also standing with you, Deep Blue. Your decision is very personal and not to be rushed.
Sending you compassion and a blessing for peace.
Hey Hope,
As always, thanks for the support. I'm nervous and today is not the day to tell him... I'm working on it though. I think of you when I think Of my sister in law. You live in the same country :bigwink:
Thanks for the hug 3R! Thanks for helping me get through the awfulness that was last weekend too. I don't know what I would have done without you. :hug:
Notalone,
What I meant was I chose my husband because he doesn't usually ask questions. He's kind of emotionally clueless. He one time looked and said... oh you wear a watch in the shower? I said yep. Now I have a tattoo to cover that area of my arm so I can shower watch free. I wrote a poem about it if you feel so inclined. It's in the poetry section of the forum. It's called "The Face I Show You".
Thanks Blueberry,
My T thinks telling my husband would be a good idea. I read her the short letter I wrote for him. She asked if I had told him yet today. I said no... I'm just not there yet. She's ok with that. She is happy that I've grown cuz at one point I said I would never tell him anything. Thanks for standing with me.
Jdog,
Thanks for standing with me. Yeah I don't want to rush it. I'll get there when I am ready I think :yes:
Thank you for sharing your poem. I could resonate with what you wrote. Here to support you whatever you decide to do. :hug:
Hey Deep Blue. Just wanted to say, I'm thinking of you and I believe you'll know when it's the right time. Looking forward to reading your share in the poetry section.
Peace...
Thinking of starting a new journal. Coming out on the other side of a couple bad EFs makes me feel stronger. Even considering telling my husband about my CPTSD is a big step for me. I really do think I'm starting to move forward here.
MoonBeam and Notalone,
Thanks for the support. It means more from people who are in this forum. As arduous as so many of our paths have been, it is so nice to have support from those who are still fighting.
—————————————————
I had an incident that really triggered me today. I'm a little confused about my reaction but am starting to break it down to understand it.
Today a friend of mine had an anxiety attack during our sports competition. First she showed up... but was missing her shoes. She had to leave and then come back. We played without her for about 30 minutes. Then all of a sudden she just bolted!!! She ran away!!!
I know anxiety attacks. Not only do I suffer from them weekly, (sometimes daily) but I help students with them all the time. I'm well read on them and know so much about the chemical changes in the brain and what we can do in order to calm one down.
So I ran up there to check on her and tried to get her to ground. She was all over the place. She kept trying to get rid of me instead of letting me talk her through it. So she basically denied my help. For whatever reason, her denying me really triggered me. I am amped about it and it raises my blood pressure.
I'm a helper through and through. It's part of me. So am I being denied a part of me? Is that why I'm upset? Any insight on this would be super helpful! Thanks
Hey Deep Blue. It's so inspiring to hear you say you feel stronger on the other side of intense EF's. I do feel like each time we make it through, we gain strength, resilience, perspective. Gah, it's so hard in the moment though. Extra big cheers for you for recognizing your strength and growth and for being present for you!
As for your friend, I can't say what they were experiencing, but I know for me, sometimes being "seen" in my moments of what I think of as "weakness", when I'm down and out with anxiety, EF's, you name it, is more scary for me than being alone in it. Sometimes, being supported is as dis-regulating as "handling" it on my own. I use quotes, cause I'm not really handling anything--just gritting my teeth and getting through. But letting others in can be so scary.
It seems like maybe there will be some room for some gentle conversation around this experience between the two of you in the future. It feels like her response--pushing you away, was so not about you, but about where she was at. It's hard to let others in sometimes, even when we really need them and even though you offered perfect, patient, loving, understanding support, it may have been more than she could take in, in the moment.
Maybe you got through more than you know and it will just take time for your friend to be able to acknowledge what was happening for them.
It's really beautiful that you were able to offer support in that moment of crisis. The rest of it--how it is received, well, that's out of our hands. You can feel really good knowing that you cared and offered support. That's huge. A wonderful gift indeed.
Hi Deep Blue,
It's great that you are feeling those positive things - and making progress in that way. Congratulations on that - it is really good. I know you're considering starting a new journal - so am I - just thinking what to call it. Anyway, :cheer: to you.
I related to your experience with your friend who had the anxiety attack and then denied your help. You asked for insights, so I'll share my thoughts - I've just been re-reading Pete Walker's book 'Surviving to Thriving' and related to the part about having a 4F defense of being a fawn, and therefore a helper, pleaser, and many other terms, but that's me - I've done that constantly - and I think (for me) it comes from trying to placate an abuser and be the perfect daughter - and my wish to help others in my life also stems from that. So, if someone were to prevent or decline such help - what could that mean to my psyche? It could mean that I was being abandoned again, and that would hurt at a deep level. So I wonder if this is also similar to what happened for you, as you described feeling upset. Maybe it threw you into a depression or abandonment melange - because if you're not seen to help, then maybe you might not feel seen or heard at all.
I realise I've written quite a bit here, so apologies for the length, but I hope that what I have said makes some sense, and I don't really know if I've got the right sense of it myself - but it is what came to mind.
:hug: :hug: to you, Deep Blue.
Hope :)
MoonBeam,
You are right. I am giving my friend some space but some gentle conservation sounds good when she's in a better state. Maybe in a couple weeks???
Hope,
You don't have to apologize! I welcome your thoughts always my dear. Part of me wonders... it was interesting about what you wrote about the fear of abandonment... the more I think about it... it could be something similar.
I always fight for the underdog. I just do. I don't want a student or person to feel unloved... unloveable...
When the worst of my trauma was happening... no one noticed. No one stepped in and said... where did you disappear to? Are you ok? Why are you limping? Not a teacher, adult, someone that had power!!! So the power stayed with my abusers. I think deep down I wanted to be noticed, I wanted someone to come take care of me and stop me from falling through those cracks.
That's why I teach now. I try desperately to be that person. I want to help those and notice when others are struggling. It sort of became a secret mission ya know? So now when my friend denies my help... part of me feels incomplete. Who am I if what I say falls on a deaf ear? I already had to stand back and watch a friend drown emotionally this year... I wonder if this stirred that up for me again?
:hug:
QuoteI always fight for the underdog. I just do. I don't want a student or person to feel unloved... unloveable...
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
This, for me anyway, is a way for me to experience the compassion I missed in my youth - to
give it now, when I can. But practicing self care, too, so that I don't become exhausted.
Quote from: Deep Blue on May 01, 2019, 11:38:18 PM
I always fight for the underdog. I just do. I don't want a student or person to feel unloved... unloveable...
When the worst of my trauma was happening... no one noticed. No one stepped in and said... where did you disappear to? Are you ok? Why are you limping? Not a teacher, adult, someone that had power!!! So the power stayed with my abusers. I think deep down I wanted to be noticed, I wanted someone to come take care of me and stop me from falling through those cracks.
That's why I teach now. I try desperately to be that person. I want to help those and notice when others are struggling. It sort of became a secret mission ya know?
Deep Blue,
Your note reminded me that two teachers noticed something was amiss and asked me a question. "Why did you choose this newspaper article to share?" and "Is everything okay at home?" I was too disconnected from myself to even know what was happening and even if I wasn't disconnected I would have been too afraid to answer. However, after all these years, I remember that someone noticed something and cared enough to ask. :cheer: Yay to you for being that person for your friends and students. Even if the person doesn't respond, your care makes a difference.
Wow, Deep Blue. That is some powerful insight. Inspiring for sure. And like 3 Roses shared, In a way, I imagine it might kind of feel like a way to repair the loss of not being cared for, in a sense, saving our little selves too--to "experience the compassion...missed in youth." I'm so sorry no one was there to care for you. Big :hug: if that's ok.
I feel very much the same and I am fierce if someone tries to hurt someone I know or care about now. What you wrote about not wanting anyone to feel unloved or unlovable really resonated with me. Sometimes, even the smallest gesture of caring can mean so much when someone is hurting. For someone to say or show another "you are worthy and you are loved"--what a gift. A good thought for me to ponder today, also as a reflection for self-care.
I hope there is an opportunity for you and your friend to connect and they can feel the compassion and love you have for them.
Quote from: Deep Blue on May 01, 2019, 11:38:18 PM
When the worst of my trauma was happening... no one noticed. No one stepped in and said... where did you disappear to? Are you ok? Why are you limping? Not a teacher, adult, someone that had power!!! So the power stayed with my abusers. I think deep down I wanted to be noticed, I wanted someone to come take care of me and stop me from falling through those cracks.
Sending you a hug of compassion and love Deep Blue :hug: I wish someone could have seen you, and helped you, and exercised their power to rescue from what happened.
Your words have also resonated with me. :grouphug:
Hope :)