Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Three Roses]

Yes! Put your foot down!  standing with you, cheering you on! 

[Deep Blue]

Feeling lonely and a bit misunderstood today. (I'm being triggered by things that I usually don't get down about)

My M had been nitpicking me so much lately.  Things she has been saying include
1. I've put on weight
2. I'm lazy/ I used to do a thanksgiving race each year.
3. I don't ever have time for her (I talk to her everyday!!)
4. She's disappointed in me for not coming around more.

Then there's my golden brother.  He's here and she plans his social calendar.  I'm in trouble if I don't want to do what he wants to do.

As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm forever inferior for being a woman, my brother did something that I can't do today...

We went and saw a movie and I looked over at my brother... and he was shedding tears.  He was moved to tears by the movie.

I can't cry! I'm broken and I wonder if that will ever change... 

[Jdog]

Blue/

First of all, I used to be nit picked by my M and it sucks!  It's the hardest thing in the world to just shrug that off and it seemed like no matter how many times I told myself it shouldn't bother me, it always did.  No answers as to how to just "let it go".  But I am picturing a brighter future for you and sending support. 

As to wondering whether you will change and be able to shed tears, I can only say that we change all the time and it's very likely that you will find your tears.  It took me over 30 years to cry over the death of my father, but I finally could.  And I couldn't cry over anything for at least 10 years.  So hang in there, friend.  I'm with you in spirit. 

[Three Roses]

Big hugs to you, Blue I don't know why it is that our families insist on perceiving us in these time-worn roles that have never fit right.

You are bright, inquisitive, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, intelligent, insightful - why is it that we here, who have never met you in person, know these things about you but your own family refuses to see?

[Wattlebird]

 
I agree whole heartedly with 3r

[sanmagic7]

ditto the above, db. 

i didn't cry for 30 yrs.  the tears finally came, and came and came.  now i'm even able to have a focus for them, and that's helped a lot to intentionally cry about something in the past, or something i never had.  when you're ready, those healing tears will come.  be patient with yourself, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with all the beautiful things you are.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I read somewhere that virgos can't "let it go".  I always have difficulty letting things go when it comes to my M.  Your perspective does make me feel better though.  I hate that you can relate but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. 

3Roses,
I truly appreciate you pointing out positives that my family doesn't seem to see.  Your compliments fill my heart because the people on this forum do know me better than people in real life.  It's easier to be open on this forum than in real life.  When you give compliments it's more real than those I see everyday because you know the real me.

Wattlebird,
Thanks 

San,
It is so hard to be be patient with myself over the lack of feeling thing.  I honestly think that if the tears come, it would help with the catharsis.  But if you say they will come it must be true    I trust you and hold you in the highest regard and know that you understand the real me. 
——————————————————-
Yesterday was a good day.  I went to a tattoo parlor and talked about what I want to get.  I'm leaning towards a feather.  I told my H that I was gonna get a tattoo but he keeps laughing at me and says I'll never do it.

I'm pretty confident he's wrong on this one.

I've been thinking a lot about self care. I think I'm going to take better care of my body as a form of self care.  I feel I've pudged up a bit, so some healthier foods and more exercise seems like a good idea.   

[Sceal]

A feather is a lovely idea for a tattoo. Very elegant! Will you have a feather of a particular bird? Colourings and such?
A nurse that I had when I was in the psych ward had loads of peacock feathers down her arm.

I'm glad you're moving towards treating your body kindly as a form of self care! Think it is a good thing. I hope to join you there soon.

[sanmagic7]

i love feathers.  often, when i'm outdoors, walking and thinking and i find a feather, somehow it reassures me that i'm on the right track.  and, as you know, raven is one of my spirit animals - mystical and magical.   if it's something you want, then i say go for it, but not just to show your t he was wrong.

i do believe self-care is always a good idea.  i love hearing people wanting to care more about and for themselves.  love you, sending a big hug.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Sceal,
I'm thinking of a Phoenix feather.  But maybe change the color up a bit.

San,
I honestly think if I get something beautiful, then I won't want to mess it up. It could be a protection from SH there.

[Sceal]

Ooh! Loving the phoenix!

[sanmagic7]

excellent perspective - protection against self -harm.  phoenix feather would be a lovely choice, to my mind.  from the ashes we rise - time and time again.  it's so symbolic of our stories here. 

glad you're letting that guy go.  unfortunately, we can't help everyone, much as we may want to or try to.  i've heard that we can wear ourselves out banging against that wall, and they will just continue on with their lives, just the way they want to live them.  time and energy better spent elsewhere, methinks.

sending love and a phoenix hug.

[Deep Blue]

I'll thank you both properly later.

I'm freaking out a bit.  Those on this forum who know my story, know that belts are a huge huge trigger for me.

I'm in a faculty play each year.  This year we are doing It's a wonderful life radio version.

I was excited for it till we were reading the script yesterday and I heard about some of the sound effects we will be using.  There is a scene where young George is being hit by the pharmacist.  The sound effect calls for a belt to be cracked. 

I heard that and I swallowed my heart. What should I do? I mean I don't want to see it, hear it, anything!

My first thought was I need to quit the play.   My forum friend said that I should ask for a different sound effect to be used.  I'm going to try to work up the courage to make a new suggestion. 

Panicky and upset over this.   

[sanmagic7]

take your time, sweetie.  breathe.  breathe again.  these triggers so often come at us, blindsiding us.  if there's a silver lining, at least you know about it beforehand and might be able to get it changed.  i certainly hope so. 

is there any way you can prepare for the 'crack'?  can you talk to your t about it?  there might be some suggestions there to help you in case it doesn't get changed. 

i'm very sorry you're facing this.  this crapola interferes so many ways in our lives on so many levels.  if this play is something you love doing, i hope you don't have to quit.  please, be gentle with yourself.  sending much love and a caring hug.

[Jdog]

I'm sending support to you as you figure out your best option for facing and handling this scary situation.   I like that you are considering asking for a different sound effect.  Very brave.  And I like san's suggestion of asking your therapist for help with this.  And as adult you, you always have choices about when and how to face things when told ahead of time that they will be happening. 

Sending love to both little you and grown up teacher you.