Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

Well, at the moment, I'm binge-watching MASH.     And I told my husband that HE could pick up my meds on his way home from overtime!

[Blueberry]

  sounds good. Delegating tasks 

[sanmagic7]

yay for you, allie.  way to go.

[alliematt]

The frustration I just feel is that I go round and round in the same cycle and nothing ever changes.  And I can't do anything about it.

[alliematt]

On the rebound.  I have a feeling that this particular bout of depression may have been hormonal, because I changed my estrogen patch Saturday night (when I was falling down the rabbit hole) and I felt better the next day. 

[Sceal]

Hormonal changes can be really tough! I hope you're feeling better with each day that passes

[alliematt]

Worst thing about today?

NO COFFEE.

There was a good reason for not having coffee today.  I had a fasting blood draw to check my levels of Vitamin D.

But other than that, today was decent.  I wish that "no coffee" was the worst problem I had to deal with in life!

[sanmagic7]

good luck with your draw.  and, back to coffee tomorrow.  hope everything's ok.  big hug, allie.

[alliematt]

good luck with your draw.  and, back to coffee tomorrow.  hope everything's ok.  big hug, allie.

The draw went OK and I'm now back to my morning coffee.  I should get the results in a few days.

[DecimalRocket]

That's good. Hope it'll keep doing well, and if not, that's alright too.

[alliematt]

I"m kicking myself because I finally told my husband something I should have told him sooner:  that our son had a Facebook account. Our son was supposed to ask us before he did it.  He went ahead and did it anyway, I knew about it and didn't tell husband; which I should have done.

When I told him yesterday, he wasn't happy.  He wanted our son to delete Facebook.  Then he asked me if I thought he was overreacting.  I said that I thought he needed to look at our son's Facebook page.  What our son wants to do is connect with people from church.  I don't have a problem with that. 

It just seems that my husband has a THING about all things electronic.  He's clueless about social media. Maybe he's better off, I don't know.  And I sometimes feel like I have to ask permission for everything or tell him everything--and because of my past, I'm afraid of being yelled at, even though my husband DOESN'T YELL AT ME.   

But now I'm mentally kicking myself and beating myself up because I should have said something and I didn't and I deserve to be punished for it. 

[alliematt]

Why am I so angry???

I have this horrible streak of anger and of frustration, and I don't know why.  I am angry at so many things and frustrated about so many things.  I am angry about current events, I am angry about not being listened to; I feel like the only way I can really be accepted is if I believe what everyone else believes. 

I have to accept them.  No one has to accept me.  I have to change.  No one else does.  I feel like it's a sin to be me.

[alliematt]

Okay.  I give.  I'm wrong about everything.  Everyone else is right and I am wrong.  Politically, socially, religiously, culturally, and every -ly and -ism in the book.  I'm wrong, everyone else is right, and I must change. 

[sanmagic7]

may i respectfully disagree with you, allie.  i don't think everyone else is right, not in most of the categories you listed.  i'm not a christian in a christian country.  i don't agree with what's going on in the world, with my country, with hatred, prejudice, racism, all the ism's, intolerance, being judgmental.  all of that which is running rampant around the world.  i don't fit, either.

i can't fight them, either.  i used to demonstrate, take to the streets, but am too old and sick now.  now i can only live my life the way i see best, use my energy and time on the people and situations that are beneficial to my life. 

the way i see a relationship, it needs to be a team effort, give and take, no power plays.  i can understand about the facebook thing - i don't do social media - but i think you and your husband can monitor what goes on with your son's page, can't you?  make it a team effort so that your hub can understand a little more about the idea behind your son being on facebook, but also holding the reins together to keep his page about church and activities.  it can be a social connection for him, and i know that's a concern for you.

allie, you don't deserve to be punished.  maybe your foo punished you for making mistakes, but that's not what healthy adults do to each other.  we accept mistakes, we accept the people we love, we accept ourselves even tho we're flawed.  that's no sin, that's being human. 

i, for one, accept you just the way you are.  i have no doubt there are others here who feel the same way.  i love you, allie, and am sorry for your pain.  sending a hug filled with comfort and warmth and caring.

[alliematt]

Why is it that "what other people think" is SO IMPORTANT to me???

It shouldn't be.  But it is.  I have a visceral reaction when someone disagrees with me on something important.  It's like my heart drops into my stomach. 

What is my problem?