Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Blueberry]

allie, I know "What is my problem??" is just something people say, but I think your problem atm could be that you're in a bit of an EF. Visceral reactions and other people's opinions being so important to you.

I echo a lot of what san says. Take care. 

[sanmagic7]

and i, in turn, agree with blueberry, that your problem could be an ef, which is a symptom of the wounds we've received at the hands of others who have not had our own best interests at heart.

their voice were so much louder than ours at that time in our lives, and they remain loud, harsh, brutal.  the thing is that they are not the truth.  why is it so important?  several years ago, that question was uppermost in my mind as well.  for me, it was because i was deathly afraid to be alone.  i had felt such deep, despairing aloneness as  a child, and when i went to my folks for help, support, some kindness, they showed me that i was alone even in the same room as them.

the thought of that feeling caused me to create a personality to hopefully insure that people would like me.  i strove to be the perfect friend, perfect partner, perfect person.  if i found out someone didn't like me, it rocked my world and i could barely breathe.  it brought back that horrible moment with my folks when i knew i was on my own, and the deathly despair that made me feel as if i would die.

it didn't bring it back in a memory way, but it was in my bones.  it wasn't till later in recovery that i realized what was going on, where to trace it to, and it wasn't till then that i could even begin to heal that wound.  it still twinges at times, but it's more manageable now.  i don't know if it'll ever go away fully, but it doesn't usually flatten me anymore.

don't know if any of this is helpful, allie, but i do want you to know you are heard, listened to, and are being sent love and hugs filled with strength, self-knowledge, and acceptance, as well as a healthy knowing that you are good enough the way you are no matter what anyone says. 

[DecimalRocket]

Allie, I feel this way sometimes too. Sometimes I can't stand how other people might think of me too, and I've been trying for years to do something about it.

It's caused by a variety of things. Trauma, lack of confidence, lack of awareness of emotions and more. I try to learn from all kinds of people really, and what I know is that whoever they are, they're always right at something. A stereotypical manipulative CEO might be a terrible person, but you could learn a lot from his views on hard work and efficiency. A person may be poor and uneducated, but they might know a lot about being resilient through troubled times and have street smarts. One person may be downright lazy but they might know something about being deeply kind and being spontaneous.

I don't see people as being entirely wrong when they're wrong. I see them as less right. A less complete view of what things are and supposed to be. I bet there are things you're more right in knowing than me and the others here, and I trust that.

[alliematt]

Still here.  I've been proofing a lot this week and I'm waiting for another job that will take me the weekend to do.

[DecimalRocket]

I see. Good progress then.

[alliematt]

I am exhausted.  I stayed up late proofing, then had THREE back-to-back-to-back doctor's visits today.  One was a blood draw, one was  chiropractor's stuff, and one was annual eye exam.  Came home and decided to get dinner out. 

[alliematt]

(Trigger warning:  I WILL be touching on politics, religion, and current events here.  This goes along with my most recent "Just having a difficult day" post called, "Okay.  I give."  If I cross a line and end up being hurtful or triggering, I will be very glad to delete this post.)

Someone touched on current events in a post I put in "Just having a difficult day," called "Okay, I give."  They suggested I talk about them, focusing on how I'm affected as a person with CPTSD.

I lean "right" in many of my beliefs, and to be honest, I feel like I'm committing a crime by doing so.  I'm a white conservative who feels like because I'm white, I'm automatically a bigot.  I often feel like I MUST agree with others who are very strong in their beliefs but that I don't get the same respect from those people.  I believe that "the government that governs least governs best" and I also understand there's disagreements about what "governs best".  I don't think the federal government ought to be involved in health care (except to regulate the purity of drugs; I think laws that talk about the behavior of doctors should be on the state level, not the federal level.)  I do get concerned about fraud and waste in the Medicare/Medicaid program.

On the other hand, I have taken Medicaid to pay for my son's treatment, and I feel like a hypocrite for doing so, and have been accused of not caring about my son because of my belief about government and health care--if I don't believe the government should be involved in health care, and the government pays for my son's health care, then obviously, I don't care about him.  When I tried to explain to the person who said that that I understood people needed help and that those who needed help should get it, but that the person crossed a line when she said I didn't care about my son, I was told by other people (this was in an online group) that "she was just trying to make a point" and that I probably shouldn't be SO INSULTED but consider what they were trying to say--but no one seemed to consider what I was trying to say.  Resources are limited, and if you give help to someone who doesn't need it, it can't go to someone who does.  PEOPLE AGREED WITH HER, NOT WITH ME, and THAT is one of the events I flash back to when I deal with political discussions.  (I ended up leaving that group.) 

Before the 2008 elections, I said to a church group that I was really scared about these elections.  IMMEDIATELY, I was greeted with a chorus of, "God is in control," from two people.  I thought, "Of COURSE you're going to say, 'God is in control'!  Your candidate is going to win!"  THAT is what I flash back to when I hear the words, "God is in control."  Even though I disagreed with Barack Obama politically, I resented the attacks on him personally that I saw online and heard from some people.  But it just didn't/doesn't seem to matter when I try to state facts.  People are going to believe what they want. 

I didn't vote for Trump OR Clinton in the last election.  I cast a protest vote for Snoopy.  Seriously.  I didn't trust one and I didn't think the other was qualified.  I think Trump has a few good points (we need to get a handle on illegal immigration and take the threat of terrorism seriously) but I truly resent how he exploits the anger and division in this country.  Last week I left a McDonald's because one of their TVs was blaring Fox News, the other was blaring CNN; one was covering a Trump speech and the other was covering anti-Trump accusations.  I couldn't handle it.  I don't trust the news to give us facts anymore, and it's become next to impossible to figure out who's telling the truth.  One of my "things" is "accurate facts" and it comes out as "you must be accurate to a fault".  (I feel like if I don't give every single detail in a story, and/or if one of those details is mistaken, I will be accused of lying.) 

I feel like if I say anything good about Trump, I'll be attacked; I feel like if I say anything against Trump, I will be attacked.

I feel like if I totally support the #metoo movement, I'll be accused of "not taking into account false accusations against people."  If I point out that sometimes (not all the time, but in some cases) some accusations are false, I'll be accused of "not believing the victims".  Victims need to be believed and need to be free to tell their story.  And their story needs to be investigated to find out if it's true.  And I don't know how to respect the rights of the accused AND respect the dignity of the victim.  We're people who weren't heard and weren't believed, and people like us need to be heard and believed.  I think that's the root of the #metoo movement, and it could be the source of a lot of my anger as well--not being heard, not being taken seriously, nothing being done.  But it's also possible for someone to be falsely accused, and that's not right either.

I'm Christian.  I understand there are members here who aren't.  I believe in God, but I also understand I can't force that belief on others.  I want to do what's right, but when everyone can "prove" that they are right by the Bible, which is how we're supposed to learn about God and about what He wants us to do, how do you know what IS right?  When everything is right, nothing is. 

I also am very disheartened by continuing revelations about misconduct, sexual and otherwise, from people who are considered "leaders" in Christianity, especially American evangelical Christianity.  And I also resent the rush to defend the accused and discredit the accusers.  Christianity IS about grace and forgiveness for all, and God knows I need that grace!  But it seems like there is so much emphasis on, "You must forgive," and very little talk about the consequence of sin, especially the legal consequences of sins that are crimes.  (A family that learned that their disabled son was being abused by a fellow church member reported the abuse to the police.  Some members of their church wanted to know, why couldn't you work it out with a fellow Christian?  The tragic ending to that case was that the "fellow Christian" murdered the child he abused, along with his mother, before killing himself.)

In politics, "my side" is ALWAYS wrong.  "My side" ALWAYS seems to lose.  The "other side" ALWAYS gets what they want.  If anyone disagrees with them, they are bullied, shamed and blamed.  I'm horrified by the sheer numbers of school shootings, and I don't know what the solution is.  I feel like if I support the March for Life participants, I "want to take away people's guns" and I want to "repeal the First Amendment".  If I express concerns that the teenagers involved may be being exploited for other people's agendas, I risk being told that I don't care about the horror they have been through.  The facts don't matter.  The people who get listened to are the ones who scream the loudest and the ones who control the narrative, whether that narrative is based on facts or not.

There's a sequence in the old movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, where Jimmy Stewart is on the floor of the Senate filibustering a bill.  Since the opposing side controls all the media in his area, his side of the story can't get out.  His secretary uses Jimmy Stewart's former troop of Boy Rangers (think Boy Scouts) and their newsletter to try and get the word out about the filibuster.  At every turn, the Boy Rangers are thwarted.  Their papers are stolen and the boys themselves are attacked.  THAT is how I feel at times in trying to express myself.   What I have to say is always wrong and not worth listening to.  Everyone else is right and they can be listened to.  Especially if they believe the opposite of what I believe.  I feel outnumbered, and I feel outmaneuvered, outyelled, outscreamed, and out everything else.  I say, "a + b = c" and hear in response, "Well, d + e = the square root of f x g to the fourth power of h," and I'm left with, "Uh . . . uh . . . uh . . ."

Throw in past bullying, past spiritual abuse, dealing with debt, health issues, and a disabled child, and trying to keep all the plates spinning and the balls in the air . . . and yeah, I am not surprised that lately, I've been posting, "I give.  I give."

(Note that the views expressed in this post are not necessarily the views of the owners of this site.  They are mine and mine alone.)

[Three Roses]

At first I wanted to avoid this post. I'm sick, sick, sick of politics, I think all politicians are crooks and out for themselves. So in an attempt to not be triggered yet again I decided not to read your post.

But then, I did....

And I'm glad I did!! I agree 100% with EVERYTHING you've said, especially:

Christianity IS about grace and forgiveness for all, and God knows I need that grace!  But it seems like there is so much emphasis on, "You must forgive," and very little talk about the consequence of sin, especially the legal consequences of sins that are crimes.

Yes! 

I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I finished reading your post. Thank you for your insight, and expressing yourself here, I needed it today. 

[Blueberry]

Allie, I read this post specially because you mention you'd be glad to take it down if you've crossed a line. So I with my Mod hat on thought "Hm, better check that out."

I don't think you've crossed any lines here. Speaking as Blueberry, you and I don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but that's quite OK, we don't have to on this forum. But I'm really glad that you have been able to express what you wanted to here, instead of feeling you're not allowed to express what you think. Especially important for you to be able to express it, if the fear of doing so was brought about by whatever caused your CPTSD. Cuz that's part of healing.

[DecimalRocket]

I don't have the same political and religious beliefs to you, Allie, but I agree many people aren't listening to each other. Watching other people talk through issues like this, I notice people making assumptions. People who make what's understood black and white. As if their side is entirely good, and the other entirely evil and misled.

When people judge your ideas, they aren't really judging your ideas. They're judging their idea of what you're saying. You sound like you took some time to come to your beliefs yourself, and whether I agree with it or not, I respect that.

In my opinion, in discussions like this no one really wins. It's like a warzone. One side may find "victory", but when their resources to survive are left lacking, who really wins? What does it mean to win? Is it for someone else to change their mind, or is it when we get to understand each other in a way that we learn from each other? In the latter, no one wins.

No one wins.

[Kizzie]

What I see in your post Allie is the complete frustration (and in my case deep despair) I feel too about the type of black and white/us vs them/all or nothing thinking that seems to be so prevalent right now.  It's just polarizing and divisive and as DR points out, no one wins.  I am more to the left  but I also have right leaning views on some things so I don't consider myself in us-them terms.  There is truth somewhere in all of the left-right shouting that we can all find if we are willing to do so.  And that's the point, we have to be willing.

There was only unwillingness in my NPD family, no shades of gray, no tolerance for other points of view, no openness to other ways of thinking - just "my way or the highway."  My point is that when one side won't/can't be open any possibility of getting anywhere is impossible. I gave up talking to my FOO and to anyone really who seems to be entrenched in black and white views. There's just no point and I don't want to waste precious energy.  If I sense, however, there is some room to discuss something is in a respectful and considerate way then I am most open to a conversation.   

[alliematt]

At first I wanted to avoid this post. I'm sick, sick, sick of politics, I think all politicians are crooks and out for themselves. So in an attempt to not be triggered yet again I decided not to read your post.

But then, I did....

And I'm glad I did!! I agree 100% with EVERYTHING you've said, especially:

Christianity IS about grace and forgiveness for all, and God knows I need that grace!  But it seems like there is so much emphasis on, "You must forgive," and very little talk about the consequence of sin, especially the legal consequences of sins that are crimes.

Yes! 

I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I finished reading your post. Thank you for your insight, and expressing yourself here, I needed it today. 

Aww, thanks! 

And I hear you when you say, I'm SICK of politics!  I think that's one thing both the left and right can agree on.  What I think so many of us are sick of is the toxicity.  We are so sick of the screaming and the anger and the downright hate expressed by each side towards the other.  And that's not good for people who are dealing with mental illnesses (sometimes, I've heard CPTSD described as a "mental injury" as opposed to a "mental illness"; I think "mental injury" is a good term.)   I don't mind a good debate and I'd like to think I'm a reasonable thinker.  I also think there's just so much division and so much emphasis on "we right, you wrong" that it keeps people from talking to each other. 

So yeah, I understand when you say you're sick of politics.  Thank you for reading anyway. :-)   

[alliematt]

What I see in your post Allie is the complete frustration (and in my case deep despair) I feel too about the type of black and white/us vs them/all or nothing thinking that seems to be so prevalent right now. 

To be honest, I also feel deep despair.

[alliematt]

This is a whiny, self-centered post.

Lately I have been feeling like my life consists of a series of clubs from which I am routinely and/or progressively excluded.

I'm a redhead, so that automatically makes me a minority.  I'm a female who's an intellectual, and up until recently, females tended to be valued more for their beauty rather than their brains.

I'm mostly conservative in my leanings, and there are times I feel like I'm wrong because of those beliefs.

I'm also white, and I feel like that automatically makes me a bigot.

I was bullied as a kid.  So I withdrew into my world of books and imaginary friends.  (I never broke with reality.  I always knew that it was my imagination.)

I'm Christian, so that automatically excludes me from some groups. :-) But spiritual abuse is also isolating.  I see the dark side of some religious movements that others may not see. 

I have a child with a disability.  While other kids went to "regular" school and went to band, soccer, gymnastics, and other extra-curricular activities, my child went to speech therapy, occupational therapy, and social groups.  Kids his age are going to college.  He goes to job training.  He will probably subsist on a "lower-level" job supplemented by Social Security and probably will not be able to live unsupervised.

My friends' kids are getting married.  My son probably won't.

And what is probably the most self-centered of all:  I will probably never have grandchildren.

Many of my women friends have grandkids, they talk about them, show pictures, talk about going to visit them . . . and odds are, that will probably never happen for me.  I don't want people to NOT talk about their grandkids because, "oh, that will upset her!"  I enjoy hearing about other peoples' grandkids and seeing photos.  But it just plain hurts to know that that will probably never happen for me, and I feel so isolated at times. 

I have depression, and OCD, and probably CPTSD.  I've been in and out of therapy since my early '20's, and I sometimes think that my issues are never, ever going to get resolved.

When am I going to come to this board and tell everyone about how well I handled a particular day or situation??  Ever?

[sanmagic7]

allie, i'm just glad you can let it out, whatever it is.  as often as you need to.  heaven knows i've done my fair share, and have been reassured time and again that i wasn't whining.  so, i'll pass that along to you as well - i don't see whining here.  i see true feelings, pain, frustration, and sadness. 

as to your previous post, i, too, am in despair of the hate that has surfaced.  i think that's the worst thing about what's going on.  as far as politics and religion, those are personal choices, nothing more or less in my eyes.  i've been around and around with both during my life, and eventually decided on what worked for me.  it may not work for others the same way, but there's nothing wrong with that.

you have had some difficult challenges in your life, allie, and i see you making the best life you are able for yourself and your family.  for that i give you all kinds of credit.  unfortunately, we can't make people see us for who we are if they don't want to - they will continue judging because of surface attributes and there's not a doggone thing we can do about it. 

so, walk tall with your beautiful red hair, your wondrous intellect, and your womanly being, your beliefs, your effort, your challenges, your spunk, your light skin and your clear eyes and know that no matter what, there are people who know you are valid and valuable.   you're not alone here.  love and hugs, allie.