the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[jdcooper]

San-I too suffer from perfectionism.  Sounds like you decided very, very early, that if you were perfect you wouldn't be abandoned.

That inner critic was there all along even if you were able to ignore it for awhile. (My inner critic is most definitely male too)  Perfectionism is so exhausting, like you say.  For me it was driving me to do things like hike for hours until my body literally was breaking down and I had to go to the emergency room I was in so much pain.  When we ignored our inner critic by abusing substances or overworking or overpleasing other people we disconnected from our real selves. Operating on an unconscious level, going through life without using our full selves with access to our full emotions caused us to be abused.  Our drive to protect ourselves from pain just led to more pain. 

it was all about reaching that non-existent goal that my parents set for me, esp. my dad, of the unrealistic expectations he held out for me to constantly fail to reach.   i lost my humanness because of it, and i've been working hard to get it back now, because it has nearly destroyed my body by not being able to recognize those emotions that weren't allowed, so they got stuffed into my very cells.

I can so so relate to this.  I could have been President of the U.S. and won the Nobel Peace Prize and run a 3 hour marathon and my dad would never have blinked an eye.  Nothing I did was ever or will ever be good enough for him.  I too feel like my emotions have been "stuffed into my very cells."  And now they are seeping out everywhere and its ugly and messy.

I like what you said about being glad you are getting in touch with your humanness.  I think that's the key to this whole thing.  You are embracing this process.  So brave of you to do. 

that's where shame resides - in the darkest hiding places.  well, i just brought it into the light now, so it can wither and die.

That's what we need to do.  Though it is extremely hard.  It goes back to being human.  Embracing our humanness.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, jd.  i can really relate to what you said about being pres., etc., and it wouldn't be acknowledged.  i've gone thru my life in my mind, every accomplishment i'd say to myself 'dad would be proud of this', but it never helped.  how the lack of those 4 words 'i'm proud of you' would have made all the difference.  wow!  it really is a mind-boggler!

my brother's told me that my dad was proud of me, he'd talk about what i'd done to others, hold me up as an example for my sibs to emulate.  i told my bro that i felt bad that happened.  i don't like that idea at all.  that may be part of why my sister ended up so mad at me that she's refused to talk to me for over 20 yrs.  no hope of that ever getting resolved, but she was a bully when we were young, so i'm all right with that.

i agree with you about being disconnected from our real selves.  this breakthrough makes it feel different.  finally.  it was a big, huge piece to be looked at, admitted to, and accepted, and completely sent me into a tailspin for a few days. 

embracing our humanness - exactly.  thanks for this - it helps me feel not alone in this struggle, and that helps a lot.  again, a conscious feeling of a connection to someone else at a visceral level that i haven't really been aware of before. 

i'm curious - how have you dealt with this?  sudden breakthrough or a gradual awakening or what?  just looking for another perspective on how to proceed from here.  it's a new country, so to speak, and i don't really know the rules or the language.  maybe just stumble along for awhile, i don't know.   big hug.

[Candid]

every accomplishment i'd say to myself 'dad would be proud of this', but it never helped.  how the lack of those 4 words 'i'm proud of you' would have made all the difference. 

Are you proud of your achievements, San? I haven't put myself out nearly as much as you have, but I'm still um... pleased with the few things I've managed to do in my life, despite nary a word of encouragement from mother. Self-validation is the best kind; without it, no one else's approval is worth a cracker.

my brother's told me that my dad was proud of me, he'd talk about what i'd done to others

Unknown to me, my father kept a stack of cuttings from my early days in journalism and showed them to visitors. He didn't say anything to me because he had a horror of children getting "big-headed". 

[jdcooper]

i'm curious - how have you dealt with this?  sudden breakthrough or a gradual awakening or what?

I think its been gradual, maybe in the last three months or so.  On a surface level I knew things.  I knew I was a  perfectionist, I just didn't know it was an attempt to hide from shame.  A therapist once told me my dad was a narcissist but I never knew what a narcissist does to people (like project self hatred onto you). I knew I had trouble with friendships but didn't know it was shame and fear of being vulnerable.  I knew I had a difficult upbringing but never knew I was very, very wounded from it.  I knew I was suffering from depression but didn't know I was turning rage against myself. 

So many little realizations about so many different things. 

I haven't put myself out nearly as much as you have, but I'm still um... pleased with the few things I've managed to do in my life, despite nary a word of encouragement from mother. Self-validation is the best kind; without it, no one else's approval is worth a cracker.

That's so great Candid.  I decided today that since I have been so focused on figuring out why I made all these negative choices in my life, I am going to write in my journal about all the things I have to be proud of. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, candid,

ya know - i am frickin' proud of all i've accomplished!  as of today, as of your question, yes.  i've done an awful lot in and with my life, and i feel like i just banished my father from that scenario.  you're so right - his pride in me doesn't matter anymore.  thank you so much for that.

my mom once told me that she never said anything about my sister and i being pretty cuz she didn't want to seem like she was bragging.  i spent so much time and energy looking for people to acknowledge that i was, indeed, pretty.  i even made up a line for myself that i'd tell people (mostly guys) that i was one of the prettiest people i knew.  if i wasn't getting it from somewhere else, i'd give it to myself.

i've had a great life in so many ways, learned so much, laughed so much, experienced so much, did so much, accomplished dreams, some of which i'd held onto for 30 yrs.   i feel so much lighter today.  started putting my jewelry back on - i used to wear necklaces, beads, pendants, bracelets, 4 different earrings, rings.  i was and still am a hippie chick at heart.  free spirit.  i'm reclaiming my soul. 

this is the beginning.  i feel the healing happening.  thank you, candid, for all you've said, all your support.  wow!  so great.

[sanmagic7]

jd, thanks for that.  i think i knew some things, like you said, on a surface level, but most of it has been subconscious.  3 roses' passage knocked the snot outta me about it all in one swell foop!!!  it made for a really rough couple of days, but i truly feel better today. 

i, too, started all this by becoming aware that my ex was a narc.  it snowballed from there, and i've been able to recognize several people of that persona in my life, as well as several misogynists.  all that hate and anger/rage!  wow!  i'm thankful i've lived long enough to find this out instead of dying in abstract confusion.  to my mind, it's better to know. 

this is life-changing.  thank you god, thank you all you good people here. 

[Candid]

my mom once told me that she never said anything about my sister and i being pretty cuz she didn't want to seem like she was bragging.

I was the beauty of two pretty sisters; the magazine company I worked for used to use me as a model. My dad praised my looks many times, and one of my many therapists suggested I had Snow White Syndrome, ie. that mother wanted to kill me when I reached adolescence. I know it started much earlier than that, although mother in her one fauxpology said: "Perhaps I was jealous of you, you were so beautiful." Ugh. Shoulda said: "I still am."

i spent so much time and energy looking for people to acknowledge that i was, indeed, pretty.  i even made up a line for myself that i'd tell people (mostly guys) that i was one of the prettiest people i knew.  if i wasn't getting it from somewhere else, i'd give it to myself.

That's what I'm doing now, about all my :cough: accomplishments. The biggest of them is having gone it alone all these years, and not topping myself in the darkest times. We're survivors!

i've had a great life in so many ways, learned so much, laughed so much, experienced so much, did so much, accomplished dreams, some of which i'd held onto for 30 yrs.

Me too! 

i feel so much lighter today.  started putting my jewelry back on - i used to wear necklaces, beads, pendants, bracelets, 4 different earrings, rings.  i was and still am a hippie chick at heart.  free spirit.  i'm reclaiming my soul. 

this is the beginning.  i feel the healing happening.

Great stuff! Hooray for us! 

You know what else? The rage I've felt towards mother all these years is slowly turning into pity. She obviously couldn't help herself, was one sick woman. You can't make yourself love someone, can you? Even when it's one of your own children.

[sanmagic7]

we are survivors, in so many ways, on so many levels.  hooray for us, indeed!!!

searching for that validation for our looks is so much the pits.  i've posted before about how i've known some really 'pretty' people, but their personalities were so shallow and bent that the more i got to know them, the uglier (really!) they got.  and the opposite was true, too.  those people i've known who are beautiful within (kind, caring, loving), well, their beauty has shown through time and time again.  funny i never made that connection for myself.

why 'cough' about your accomplishments?  aren't you feeling the satisfied pride about them?  we deserve to, i believe.  we worked hard, we earned it.  not the overbearing pride, the arrogant pride, but the content pride, the knowledge that we did something because of our determination, perseverance, and plain ol' hard work.  like you've said, self-validation is best.  i'd been searching for that outer pride (from my dad), it's time i took that out of his hands and nurtured it in my own. 

i'm beginning to lose some of my hate for my ex as well.  never thought that would happen.  it just doesn't feel so rampant within me anymore.

so, yes, once again, hooray for us!!!  we're getting there.

[Candid]

why 'cough' about your accomplishments?  aren't you feeling the satisfied pride about them? 

LOL, oops! and thank you, San! I reminded you, then you reminded me. We may need  to give each other another nudge from time to time.

not the overbearing pride, the arrogant pride, but the content pride, the knowledge that we did something because of our determination, perseverance, and plain ol' hard work.

Yes. Without family support from the year dot, I can truly say: "And I did it all by myself."

i'm beginning to lose some of my hate for my ex as well.  never thought that would happen.  it just doesn't feel so rampant within me anymore.

It's very liberating, isn't it? I don't think I hated my mother at any stage, but I was filled with rage at how she'd trashed my self-esteem, with all self-hatred's ghastly follow-ons. Now I think psssht, she couldn't help it. For whatever reason she needed a scapegoat, and I drew the short straw.

I agree with you about beautiful and not-so-beautiful people. Lets me off the hook because I always believed I was nothing but a pretty face, and I can now see that my face combined with my self-isolating tendencies was what kept the longed-for women friends at a wary distance. Naturally I thought I must have an ugly personality, and that was why they didn't want me in their crowd.

Now my face is well past it's adore-by date, I feel much stronger inside and more prepared to be one of the gang. I haven't got Some Horrible Thing in me that everyone can see at 50 paces; in fact I've been too nice (fawner/groveller) for way too long. It's time to start standing up and standing out!

[sanmagic7]

i just finished a screaming/crying session in the shower.  earlier today i was reading over the results from the eye doc i saw earlier this month, and i noticed a notation that i have a cataract starting on top of this gucking glaucoma.  i don't know what the frick else to do anymore, i'm  crumbling to pieces and there isn't enough of me to deal with all this.  god, give me strength to get through this day.  please, i need help.

[Three Roses]

    

[Candid]

I believe cataracts can be removed once they're big enough to get hold of. Keep on keeping on, San; your spirit is big enough and strong enough to deal with it all.

[Downsideup]

My dad is around your age and had cataracts removed from both eyes. He was frustrated about it for months but ended up with improved eyesight after the surgery. I can tell you're frustrated too, and maybe a little scared. I'm the last person to be giving advise on aging, so I'll keep it short. Let yourself cry and scream. Get those emotions out and then accept that your body is what it is. It's carried you this far and will continue to do so for years to come, San. Be gentle with it, and with yourself

[sanmagic7]

thanks, everyone.

i went back over the notes, discovered that a retina is detaching as well.  looked all this up, it can all be caused by stress and inflammation, of which i've had plenty of problems because of each/both.  if not for the stress/trauma, i don't think i'd be having these problems.  that's what's truly frustrating.  working so hard to eliminate all that gunk, and i'm getting worse physically instead of better.  what's the point anymore!!!  those frickin' batards!  ok, some anger.  good.  otherwise i'm just kinda numb today, trying to keep my head above water.  you're all wonderful. 

[Candid]

if not for the stress/trauma, i don't think i'd be having these problems. 

I'm with you. I hold mother responsible for my vision problems, my addictions, and pretty much everything that's gone so wrong for me.

those frickin' batards!  ok, some anger.  good.  otherwise i'm just kinda numb today, trying to keep my head above water.

Anger's a step up from sadness, isn't it? Are you a pillow-pounder? I'm not, but I find a good stamp around the room ranting at mother and her flying monkeys can have me laughing at the end.