Alice's Journal - Possible Triggers

[Alice97]

Thank you healingjourney, I appreciate your support. Today was actually a better day as I was able to get some support from a friend. She is the only support I have, and she doesn't know I have PTSD (I'm still working up the courage to tell her), but she knows about some of my struggles and is very supportive about the things she does know. I can see how sharing in a group that understands could be very helpful, I'm glad you have that. I'd love to have something like that someday... there's only so much a friend who hasn't been through it can understand.

[Alice97]

Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds similar to what I went through (extreme passive aggression is just  ), and so it's really nice to hear that someone else gets it. So sorry that you're hurting now 

Also, do you have a link for the article on sexual abuse that you found? (don't search if you don't want to, but I just thought I'd ask)

So sorry you have been through the whole extreme passive aggression thing... it really is  I'm so glad my post helped you not feel so alone

Here is the link for the article on sexual abuse: http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/02/13/possible-indicators-of-sexual-abuse/

Best wishes 

[Alice97]

I just had a bit of an epiphany.

I recently treated one of my cats for fleas, and he has to be separated from the other cats for 24 hours. I always feel very guilty and sad when I have to separate them. It always made me feel really upset is when something bad happens to young children or animals. It makes me feel incredibly angry and sad and guilty all at once. I can't handle watching stuff like that in movies, because it is extremely triggering. Anyways, I was thinking about it today, wondering why I have such an extreme reaction to violence against vulnerable children and pets, but violence towards adults doesn't bother me any more than it would a normal person. I think it's because animals and children don't understand what is happening, just as I didn't understand all the pain I was in growing up. So watching someone else who is vulnerable go through something bad (or even something not bad like being separated from the other cats for a day) triggers everything my Inner Child felt when I was growing up.

[healingjourney]

Thank you healingjourney, I appreciate your support. Today was actually a better day as I was able to get some support from a friend. She is the only support I have, and she doesn't know I have PTSD (I'm still working up the courage to tell her),  there's only so much a friend who hasn't been through it can understand.

I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to with. Perhaps you can be honest with her and ask her that she doesn't need to give you advice or anything but maybe just be willing to listen occasionally to what you're going through emotionally? I think lots of people are good listeners when they don't feel burdened to give advice. This is a huge opportunity for support. I hope that she is a good friend and you wouldn't scare her. I don't think she really needs to understand for you to get the benefits of not being alone and feeling connected to another human being who is feeling for you compassionately. Know what I mean?

**************Trigger alert************
I was sexually abused so I relate to your fear- not that that's a good thing. I never talk about it. I'm deeply ashamed and refuse to admit it. I've told two humans about it who know me. And I've blocked out most memories of it. I keep telling myself it's not a big deal- and it didn't happen for that long. But I'm certain it affected my sexuality and how I view sex as less meaningful and stressful.

[Alice97]

I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to with. Perhaps you can be honest with her and ask her that she doesn't need to give you advice or anything but maybe just be willing to listen occasionally to what you're going through emotionally? I think lots of people are good listeners when they don't feel burdened to give advice. This is a huge opportunity for support. I hope that she is a good friend and you wouldn't scare her. I don't think she really needs to understand for you to get the benefits of not being alone and feeling connected to another human being who is feeling for you compassionately. Know what I mean?

I think I will, my biggest fear is that she would get too concerned and tell her parents. Or that she wouldn't get how severe it actually is. I'm grateful for your idea of asking her just to listen, and letting her know I don't need advice. I think you're right, that might help take some of the burden off her. I feel like it would almost be easier if I went through war or horrific physical abuse or something that is more recognized to be traumatic. PTSD from growing up in the environment I did is a bit harder to explain, especially when F's abuse was very covert. But I have told her about some of the things he does, so maybe I wouldn't have to explain too much. I will probably just have to risk it, keeping it to myself is killing me.

I guess you are right, she doesn't really have to understand to help. It does bother me a little bit though when she says stuff like "I completely understand," and I wonder if she actually does, or if she is just trying to help. I appreciate it, but I feel like when she says that it somehow negates the amount of pain I'm in.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through sexual abuse, thanks for relating to my fear. I hope someday you can come to the point where you aren't ashamed, as there is certainly nothing for you to be ashamed about. I do relate to that shame though... it doesn't have to make sense to still haunt us. I also relate to minimizing problems so they don't seem as bad, I think it's our brains' way of trying to keep us from more pain.

[Alice97]

I'm exhausted. I want to sleep for a hundred years... without nightmares. Or better yet, with good dreams.

Today was one of those mornings where I wake up from a nightmare and begin having an anxiety attack within 30 seconds. My heartbeat gets faster and weaker, I start to breath shallow and quickly, I feel nauseous, like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment, and I get very shaky. I also tend to have tremors and random embarrassing twitches when I'm like that. I'm not sure what triggered it today, the nightmare wasn't the kind that leaves me terrified, just more disturbed. Maybe it was just anticipation of the day. Does anyone else here wake up with anxiety attacks? Do you think it's a sort of flashback or just random anxiety?

This morning's attack lasted 4 hours or so, until I decided to just sit down and play my guitar for awhile. That did the trick -it distracted my mind from my troubles and let me focus just on music. I actually felt good for a little while. Now I'm just numb and detached and really, really tired.

Last night's nightmare (the one I remember, there were probably more) was that I was stuck up in the rafters of a parking garage (weird) with a couple other people (don't remember who), and I had to find a way to get down without falling. I remember feeling claustrophobic and scared of falling. It ended with me getting down ok, but was still kind of disturbing, although not as much as my worse nightmares.

I'm starting to think about moving out. It scares me -I don't want to leave my mom and sister to deal with all the crap at home, but it might be best. I know if I do it will take awhile to get to that point, I need a job and I'll have to do it in a way that isn't a shock to my parents. In the meantime I hope to get my own business up and running in the next few months, and rent an office space to do my work away from home during the day. That will provide some welcome relief I'm sure. But it's going to be awhile before either of those (moving out or working away from home) are really viable options. I hope I can survive in the meantime.

[annakoen]

Does anyone else here wake up with anxiety attacks? Do you think it's a sort of flashback or just random anxiety?

Yes. Quite often, actually, and mostly for me at the start of another working day. When this happens, I find that even though I've slept and dreamed about other things, the first and only thing on my mind is fear and it has been there all night. Sometimes the anxiety starts in the evening and I can't fall asleep.

So, to assure you somewhat, you are not the only one who has this.

This morning's attack lasted 4 hours or so, until I decided to just sit down and play my guitar for awhile. That did the trick -it distracted my mind from my troubles and let me focus just on music. I actually felt good for a little while. Now I'm just numb and detached and really, really tired.

For me, it's showering. Taking a long, hot shower calms me down more often than not. Remember that this (playing guitar) works for you, it sounds like a good thing.

Self-soothing is something that children should be taught by their parents. The normal development should be that at first mom is always there whenever the baby makes a fuss. Later, the baby is left alone for brief amounts of time with a teddy bear, a surrogate. That way, a baby learns to transfer feelings of soothing and comfort to something else (something external) than mom. Later, this is integrated into a sense of security.

Play your guitar whenever you need to soothe yourself 

I'm starting to think about moving out. It scares me -I don't want to leave my mom and sister to deal with all the crap at home, but it might be best. I know if I do it will take awhile to get to that point, I need a job and I'll have to do it in a way that isn't a shock to my parents.

Feelings of fear and guilt are very common. (If you're interested, there's a book called "My Parent's Keeper" that addresses this. Also "Life and how to survive it" talks about healthy and unhealthy behaviors when growing up. Both books discuss feelings of guilt and that in healthy families there is both a sense of being together as well as a sense of being individuals. In unhealthy families, it's often not allowed to be an individual.) Moving out is the healthy thing to do here.

I'm not saying it's easy to move out, but if you can find a way, I highly recommend moving out. Get yourself a space of your own and do not, under any circumstance, give a key to anyone else until you feel safe enough to do so. (And if I may be so bold to say this, do not give a key to any of your family members in any circumstance. Even if they would not abuse it, I felt much safer knowing they could not enter my house even if they wanted to.)

[Alice97]

Thank you, annakoen. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

And thanks for your support about moving out. It's going to be really hard and I'll have to work up to it, but I need to do it.

[healingjourney]

Does anyone else here wake up with anxiety attacks? Do you think it's a sort of flashback or just random anxiety?

Yes- I thought this was part of aging. I was wrong. My desire to be 3 places at once all throughout the day took over my sleep cycle about 9 months ago, and when I was sleeping I even wanted to be somewhere. I was sleeping awfully- though the nightmares were less frequent. Strangely, I had a recurring nightmare within 60 minutes of falling asleep on many occasions. Then I started giving myself a bedtime as well as taking a hot bath several days per week. I second annakoen's comment. The calming effect a bath delivers is amazing. I have been getting pretty great sleep. I highly recommend it. I was so embarrassed to take a bath for several weeks because it strikes me as not tough. Everything I've ever done in my life was about acting tough. One more thing- I have a similar form of anxiety, I wake up through the night while solving a problem that I believe I have and obsessively solve the problem different ways when I wake up. I don't even know how to explain it. I just had this insight this morning because I didn't keep my bedtime and I paid the price with this nagging problem solving dream or whatever it is.

[Alice97]

healingjourney - I'm glad taking baths helps relax you, I will have to try that. I know you know this but there's no reason it makes you less tough or anything, but I understand why you would feel ashamed of it.

[Alice97]

I'm having one of those days where I am so outside of myself and detached that I'm really not sure how I'm feeling. Yesterday I couldn't stop crying, now I'm numb. That's how it goes I guess.

F has been in angry mode for 6 days now... which isn't that unusual but it makes him extremely triggering to be around. There is just this strong, dark, oppressive atmosphere at home when he's here, especially when he is covertly raging. I've been able to avoid him the last few days, but that doesn't stop me from going into my freeze response whenever he is home and there is a chance of having to be around him.

I guess that's what is happening right now -I'm frozen. 

I have had so many days lately where I've been hurting so bad that I feel like I could easily just lay down and die. 

I still feel guilty for not being "over it" yet. Struggling to accept and allow myself to struggle through this, and to have good and bad days.

[Alice97]

I just realized a couple of things I want to make a note of:

(1.  When I start to come out of a DP episode, I tend to freak out because feeling real is so foreign to me, which sends me back into a dissociative state again. I've gotten so used to being detached that it has become my normal, even my comfort zone. I wonder if I will ever feel safe enough to pull out of my detached state for good or if I am doomed to be stuck here forever 

(2.  I have experienced profound emotional neglect/abandonment. I don't know why I never realized this before. It isn't just that I've witnessed my F's covert narcissistic abuse towards my mom (negative), I have also never received much positive attention (emotionally), which is in itself a negative. I'm going to ask some questions and share my experience with neglect/abandonment in the section of the same name on this site. I hope to find some answers and in the process find some comfort for my Inner Child.

[Alice97]

Just a brief update...

It is becoming very clear to me that I need to start making steps towards moving out. It will probably be a long, painful process but it needs to happen. I cannot stay here and survive.

I watched a movie the other night called "The Unsaid." It was way more relate-able and triggering than I anticipated. One of the characters had repressed memories of incest, and there were several scenes showing his symptoms as well as scenes where his therapist worked with him. I always have this weird feeling in my gut when I watch movies or here stories of child molestation, almost as if what happened to them happened to me. Tommy, the character in the movie who was abused, was basically an exact replica of me and my symptoms. I feel really weird for relating to a character when I don't even know if that happened to me for sure. But I do, honestly I do. C-PTSD from emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse explains a lot of my problems, but not all of them. I hate being so confused. It seems like nothing in my life has ever been straightforward and clear. 

[healingjourney]

I can relate to your desire to move out on your own. When I was a teen it became my greatest goal.

[Alice97]

I am in the middle of a very bad episode of dissociation. Being this numb and detached is almost worse than being in pain. I generally have a hard time trying to figure out what I'm feeling anyways, but it's especially bad when I'm dissociated. And it's worse this time because I don't know why I'm dissociating. Things haven't been too terrible at home the last few days, there have been a few moments that triggered me but not as many as usual. So why am I so out of it?? I'm almost never completely "here," but this is really bad. I still wonder if something else traumatic happened to me in my early childhood, because I have had these episodes for my whole life, even before my F's emotional abuse started. Is it possible for someone to just be born with as much extreme anxiety as I had? I wish I understood why I detached so much as a young girl. I know why I did when I was older - because of the emotional abuse - but what about before that? And what about now, when things aren't too bad at home? I feel so stupid and silly for being this confused and upset about it. I just can't shake this feeling that something else happened that I have repressed. I'm trying to relax and let the memory (if it's there) come back when/if I'm ready. It's just so hard feeling so distant and numb and not knowing why.