wading waters recovery journal

[theaquarist]

I want to start with gratitude for this forum. Thank you to each one of you for building and maintaining this forum; for creating a safe space; for showing your selves and starting with compassion. I've only been here a week and I feel different. I've been needing this for a long time. I may seem overly enthusiastic for being on this board for a short amount of time, but I want to use my momentum that I have to launch farther than I have before.

From the bottom of my heart: Please know that I thank each one of you for being here and sharing your stories. I've become so inspired.

+ Several things must be going right for me because my head is going  nearly every 15 minutes for the last few weeks with realizations!!!

I reached out to one of my friends from the past last night. He is a friend who helped me fix my car a year ago. It was such a fun experience, I love fixing things and working with others.
I abruptly ended our communication back in March this year when my girlfriend looked through my phone (+a journal, didn't mention that before... I've had my journals read by both my gf and my dad now. It's hard to admit that  ). She didn't trust me with any friends, even though she knows him and he we don't have romantic history. It was an experience of handcuffing myself for her because I've always felt bad about myself, especially what I've been capable of when it comes to my EF's over the years. I have tended to have the response of cutting people off and hiding until my head clears  . I feel that no one should see me in that state, which can last for months. I also cut out 5-10 more people because of her fears and me wanting to make sure I didn't get "in trouble" again.
I didn't get "permission" nor did I tell me gf that I wanted my friend(s) back already. I am having a hard time wondering what she will do if she finds out I got back in touch with him. I should change my phone password to give myself more protection but that would set her off to be suspicious. Honestly I would be fine if she broke up with me so that I wouldn't feel the pressure on my shoulder for yet another unhealthy relationship on my tick list. But I feel that if it were up to her, she would make a huge drama about breaking up with me and making sure I felt every sting she has ever wanted me to feel, which from our past arguments, seems like A LOT 
I've realized from what I've wrote so far about her that I feel 1.trapped 2.dehumanized for what I've "done" to her. I am not sure what to do next.

I reached out to my oldest sister (I'm the last of five) and asked if her or my family has given up on me. I've been skipping birthdays, holidays, celebrations, and vacations for 5-6 years. It has been due to migraines, GI problems and the like because of stress 
I have always loved my siblings, and when I was little I tended to bring them all together. But having my FOO be part of a cult AND having lost a sibling to an aneurism 11 years ago really splintered us up. She says none of them have given up on me. I just feel sad when my mom doesn't text me back. I miss her so much.

I miss many people and I feel holes all over my heart. I get EF's every time I try to open a contact on my computer/phone to reach out to people I've hurt. I really want to reach out to my ex's who I wasn't compassionate toward during breaking up, but I know that being in a relationship currently and not being happy with it = a recipe for disaster. I need to wait and build myself up more, and become single so I can work on myself and become more advanced, especially since I only have 1.5 year of good insurance left until I must get my own. (I'm 24 on my parent's insurance)

Be back soon 

[Three Roses]

 

[theaquarist]

I chatted a bit with my old friend, E, and it felt refreshing. I feel more whole than I had before. I missed my friend.
My girlfriend still has his musical instruments from 6 months ago that he lent her when he met her. She has been holding onto them for this whole time while I have been waiting for the 6 month mark when it would be sensible to reach other to my friend again. We have had 0 contact since March.
She called me on the phone to warn me to not come over because she didn't want us to intersect. I told her I wanted to talk about that, about being friends with E again. She was not happy but didn't express it. I will meet her tonight to talk over my needs from my Heart and that I deserve Friends just like she does. I've never held her back from that. And it's been 6 months.

[theaquarist]

I deserve friends too. I am prepared to walk out if this what makes her upset at me. I have the right to walk away when I am being verbally abused.

[Three Roses]

 

[theaquarist]

My brain has been overloaded with emotional processing. I feel a bit of fog since confronting this issue, losing sleep. I'll come back to this soon when my mind comes back...

[theaquarist]

Since my last time posting, I have had a series of honest, talks with my girlfriend. We have had a sustained weekend ( long one at that ) of compassion and ease. The tension that was there before has dissipated for now.
It started with me going to her on Thursday night: I brought up the subject of wanting/needing to re-establish my lost friendships and begin my road to apologizing / fixing / acknowledging what hurt I have done to people I blocked out of my life. I explained my side of things, and she was defensive (I can't blame her too much) so I stood my ground. It escalated quickly. I felt like she was using my bad memory against me and telling me I did this to myself; she said I got rid of those people all myself and it wasn't her doing. She said she only asked for ONE person to be cut out-- my mentor in germany who is 5 years older (there is such a story there but not I can't touch that yet)

I had cut him out but when she told me to back in March, I took it very seriously and cut out my Exes, Friends who had expressed feelings for me, People who could have information about my problematic past behavior.

She cried, I left, we re-grouped because I couldn't drive and I was triggered. We worked it out. The festering wound of misunderstanding was finally being drained. For each day since, we have had long, honest conversations about what this process is like for each of us. And what my goals are, what her needs are, and what we mean to each other.

Looking back, I think cutting people out was the best action I could make in order to clear my life of romantic vestiges. I tribute my recent, powerful progress to this event.

However, I still do miss / mourn the people I had cut out and feel such deep scars. Knowing that the scars I gave are most likely deeper and festering. (I don't know how to go about fixing that and making up to those people, to be a good person)

I feel more confidence in our relationship, but I am taking my steps forward with a new commitment to myself and my needs, my dreams. I have a lot I need to do. I have a very heavy conscience.
I'm ready to take on the bull, I just need to figure out how to heal my wounds and take responsibility for the wounds I have inflicted.

[theaquarist]

I have a really hard time separating love from bonding when I assess my past relationships. I haven't had solid friends since I was in middle school. But hey, it takes being a good friend to have a good friend and I can acknowledge that I have not tried hard to be a good friend. Not in ways that made sense to people, anyway. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm having conflicting thoughts about my exes and which ones I could have had a really good thing with. I want to not compare the present to the past. I feel petty and need to get to the root of those thoughts. They are too much...

Ugly thought: "If I had been whole, healthy, level headed, loving, compassionate... which exes would have been a great match for me?"

One relationship at a time. The past is the past. Life is still erratic even when you chase things you want. How could I know that something wouldn't have come up to end those relationships anyway, even if it hadnt been me? Ugh, but it was me. And I hurt a lot of people.

[theaquarist]

I have such conflicting feelings about my dating history...

I have been in and out of relationships since I was 16 (original sexual abuse age).
I am not straight, I'm not completely gay. I had a small flame of knowledge from when I was 9years old that I loved other women, this was one of my points of extreme strength to recognize many flaws within the cult society of FOO. However my FOO did some intense grooming to ensure I knew my place as a girl (to serve and have children) and that boys deserved my kindness, acceptance, and tolerance. The phrase "you always have to say yes to the first date with a boy" was instilled in my when I was around 13. Maybe earlier.

Writing that out has made me realize that... this could be the original point that made me feel like I needed to be "passed around" and entertain each and every romantic option (not women until I was 19, and it was secret).
I've dated so many men when I didn't even want a relationship.

In order to keep myself in line with the cult (I want a new word for this) I used my mind to do intense acrobatics of thought. If I was told a rule and noticed what rule-breakers were deemed to be (trash) then I would find a way out = a double life, as well as a way to fit in = following the rule to the letter. I had to say yes to every boy who asked me on a date = I let every relationship with men happen. The abuse at 16 solidified by freeze response. I let every relationship happen. I haven't even gotten a break between many relationships. Many relationships were with men who were friends of sorts in a smaller college town. WHY didn't any man stop and ask me, do you really want to be with me? If I had ever been given the option to peacefully excuse myself from a relationship without feeling like I had to "give them a chance" then I would have!

It's the past... Hm. More answers but I need to reconcile more.

[theaquarist]

I know this started about my girlfriend, whom I am still with, but in order to be better in our relationship and heal myself I have been dissecting the past.
It feels like a scrap yard of memories with a big wall I built around it. Some of the junk in my yard is missing peices and I want to make them whole again.
How do I know how/when to just let it go.
I want to be to the point of knowing if I should even be in a relationship for a few years (whether I currently have a good relationship or not)