Alice's Journal - Possible Triggers

[Alice97]

Today was, for lack of a better word, exhausting. I woke up out of nightmares into an anxiety attack (as usual), fought strong suicidal urges all day, and then had a very triggering evening with some stuff that happened at home. I had to see my F emotionally abuse my sister like he used to do to me. I figured out early on how to say and do the right things to avoid his abuse, but my sis gets herself trapped into it and then keeps fighting him verbally, which only makes it worse. I think part of the problem is that she is a lot like him. They are both narcs, and winning an argument is everything to them. I don't feel like I have to "fix" them anymore like I used to, but my struggle is just that it hurts so much to watch someone I love go through what I did, without using any of the coping strategies I figured out. I feel like I have to protect my sister because I love her so much. I remember how damaging it was for me to grow up in that environment without any support at all, so I support her as well as I can when she falls apart after his abuse, while trying to help her recognize what some of the red flags are in her own line of thinking, and while trying not to let it get to me too much. I'm really apprehensive about moving out again because I feel like my sister would simultaneously destroy herself and my M if I wasn't here to help her sort through things. But I also know it's going to literally kill me to stay here.  

I feel like I have completely lost myself. The only time I feel valid or almost real is when I support others. I have no idea how to support myself. I'm not sure who I am anymore.

I still feel guilty about writing here when I'm this low because I don't want to sound completely hopeless or pessimistic. But venting really helps a lot.

[arpy1]

just sending a  to you, Alice97.  and letting you know it's ok to write here when you are this low.  i always feel guilty too, but it really is ok.

totally relate to the stuff you said too, by the way. it's part of the cptsd battle, 9which doesn't really help but i find it reassuring to remind myself of it when i am so full of pain and doubt).  keep fighting, you're not alone. 

[Alice97]

Thanks arpy1 for reassuring me 

[Alice97]

I keep having a lot of frequent mini flashbacks to my childhood. A smell or person or phrase will trigger a short memory of things I had completely forgotten about. Sometimes I remember and then as soon as the flashback comes it's gone again, and other times I remember what it was I flashed back to. So that has been kind of weird. Since I wonder if I've blocked out or repressed a memory of some early childhood trauma(s), I'm curious if my brain is starting to let me remember some things. I'm not pushing it, if nothing happened I don't want to create a false memory. I'm just curious. I know I have a tendency to suppress (or repress or whatever the right word is) bad memories. There was a time when I was younger when we had kittens, and I accidentally killed one of them. It was a horrible experience, as I've always had a natural love for animals and am very protective of anything innocent (like children or pets or even insects when I was younger). I felt really guilty and sad about it, and for a few years that guilt haunted me. Then I for some reason completely blocked it out and didn't think about it or remember it until a couple of years ago. I've done the same thing periodically with memories of my dad's narcissistic emotional abuse. So I know I'm predisposed to repress things. The memories are still there, my brain just doesn't let me go there if I can't handle it. I guess that goes with being a Freeze type. So I'll just have to be patient and see I guess.

[healingjourney]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time removing yourself from your parents' home. I can totally relate to the desire to save someone. My sister used to abuse my mom emotionally and financially. I tried so hard to rescue my mom from it and it brought me such stress, stress-related health problems (7 years later), and stole so many moments from my 20s that I could have enjoyed life during. Today because I was so enmeshed with my family I am forced legally to be enmeshed with my sister in some ways, long story. In the group therapy I attend there's a saying that you have to learn to help yourself before you can help another person. As cold as that sounds perhaps you will be more helpful to your sister from afar. I wanted to run away from my family situation and become successful so I did it as soon as possible. What I didn't realize is that I would always feel anxiety regardless of my success.

I relate to what you say about the repression. It's amazing how triggered I can become. I think you are much more in tune to your trigger moments. I'm just starting to realize my dissociation. It's scary! Today when somebody told the group of us we might get a parking ticket I freaked out and was in my own mind unable to move or aware of my own body. If it wasn't for your shares about dissociation I wouldn't even notice I do it.

Thanks for your honesty and I hope your situation continues to become more hopeful!

[Alice97]

Thank you healingjourney, it's nice to know someone else gets it  And I'm so glad my posts on dissociation have helped you. I agree that it might be best for me to help my sister from a distance. It's just really hard for me to get over the guilt even though I know working towards moving out is best for everyone.

[Alice97]

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I am so conflicted within myself right now. I've been doing way better in some ways, and a lot worse in others. I've been doing better in that I've been able to distance myself from my family's problems rather than trying to engage and fix them. Being around them is still triggering and painful but it doesn't consume me for days or weeks like it used to. I have been able to find joy in the midst of the pain. I don't feel like my FOO is weighing me down as much anymore. It still is, but not as extremely as it had been. I talked to my one good friend today (to whom I've vented about a lot of my family's problems), and she said she noticed that I haven't been as "doom and gloom" lately. Which was encouraging, but also a little confusing because I didn't realize I have appeared to be happier. I mean, I am happier in a sense because my FOO isn't getting to me as much. But I'm also worse...

My depersonalization/derealization has been awful. After thinking about it, I realized that when my dissociation is really bad, it becomes easier to put on a happy front -even to convince myself that I'm ok- because I am so out of touch with myself and others. Which is maybe why my friend thinks I'm happier. It is really freaking me out how distant and detached I feel. I literally don't feel like I'm here... I'm going through the motions of living, but I am separate from my body, even from my mind sometimes. It sounds weird but I've been this way for as long as I can remember (back to childhood) and it has gotten progressively worse. It's not just a phase I will snap out of. Anyways, in short, I'm better because my FOO isn't weighing me down as much, but I'm worse in a lot of other ways and I don't know why. It's a lot harder for me to grasp when my FOO isn't actually bothering me that much. But that's just the nature of PTSD I suppose. Anywho... sorry for my rambling...

My nightmares have still been horrible too. I've had a lot that were terrifying (some were flashbacks to my F's emotional abuse, others to pets I've lost in tragic ways, and the typical being chased/trapped). But I've also had a lot where I died.

And the anxiety... I cannot shake this sense that I'm not safe. I'm shaky and tremble a lot but I've figured out how to hide it. I've noticed that I'm always squeezing my hands and arms, or clenching my fists in an attempt to self-soothe.

I guess the most confusing part of all this is that I feel like to an extent I've let go of my FOO's hold on me. And I feel like I should be doing better mentally because of it. And I am in that I feel more free. But I'm still struggling so much.

My best and only friend is getting married in a few weeks and I'm in the wedding. I'm super excited for her but a little nervous about how the wedding will trigger me. I know I'll be extremely dissociated through the whole thing for many reasons. But I also know that is what will get me through it.

So yeah... I don't know what to make of all this and I feel like I'm a liar for not telling people who care about me about the PTSD stuff, but I also know they really wouldn't get it and it would hurt for them not to understand (even though they would pretend to). I feel guilty and like I'm keeping a dirty secret.

I'm trying to make reasonable goals for myself (like moving out). But even that is so hard. Necessary, but really difficult.

[Alice97]

I actually had a pretty good day today. I'm about due for one lol. I didn't have very many triggers, no nightmares last night that I remember. Had the usual anxiety but no panic attacks. I pretty much locked myself up in my room all day to work on my blog and online business that I'm trying to get started, which is why I didn't have to deal with triggers. I'm still pretty dissociated but not in as much emotional pain today, so that's good. 

[Three Roses]

 

[sweetsixty]

  such a good feeling when we recognise the baby steps we are taking and the  best way of doing that is journaling. Well done, it's an inspiration to others to share this.

[Alice97]

Thank you! 

[Alice97]

Well I had a good week last week, so that was nice. It's stupid though because when those occasional good days come I just want to forget I ever had PTSD and just be fine forever and normal. And then I crash again. I'm back to dissociated, suicidal, anxious, and having lots of nightmares, but I'm also learning better coping strategies and grounding techniques, so that has been good. I am having a particularly difficult night though, I'm so tired of fighting a war in my head all day and all night, and it's so tempting to quit... Even though I've distanced myself and am not as upset about my FOO being abusive (although they are still a pain to be around and triggering), I'm still having all these symptoms that won't go away no matter how far away I am from my FOO. I'm just trying to take this one day at a time and be grateful for the good days when they come.

[healingjourney]

I'm happy for your good days, Alice. Right on about one day at a time! Enjoy your good days, celebrate them, and try to not futurize one bad day or night. Our struggles, though they be many, may subside in one moment. And these moments are all we need to both take in pleasure and feel sanity. I'm finding the more good moments I take in the more addicted I am to feeling good and moments with good people around me and the more resistant to negative situations I am becoming. I wish more great days for you ahead!

[Alice97]

Thank you, healingjourney, your support means a lot! 

[Alice97]

It's been awhile since I posted. I figured I should check in with myself again and see how I've been. I know that sounds weird but often I don't realize what progress or setbacks I've had until I write them out here.

So one thing I've noticed lately is that things that used to freak me out before my PTSD got this bad don't really get to me anymore. It's like my brain has gotten so used to pausing my emotions and going into survival mode that the things that I can get through just about anything as long as it isn't triggering. I also feel like I've been in so much pain lately that all the old worrisome stuff just seems trivial now, like it really can't compare to the pain of PTSD. So that's kind of a positive but it also kind of makes me sad to realize just how bad my pain has been.

I've also been trying to be at peace with the fact that my best friend won't be able to understand PTSD because she hasn't been there. I've told her about most of my symptoms without calling them PTSD, and she tries to encourage me but I know she doesn't really get it. I don't blame her at all - I'm almost glad in a way because one thing that bothers me the most is when people say they understand when they haven't been through it. I think PTSD is one of those things that you can't understand unless you have walked in those same shoes.

Even on days that aren't particularly triggering, I have this huge pain inside me. I'm not sure how to describe it other than it just really, really hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. Everything about PTSD is so different from other disorders. My anxiety isn't about stuff that probably won't happen. It did happen. My depression isn't a chemical imbalance, it's a legit sadness because every day is *. I can't wake up from my nightmares and leave them behind. They follow me throughout the day. And I can't convince myself that I'm safe enough to pull out of a dissociative state. And all of that together creates an anguish deep inside the soul that isn't easily soothed.

I know that some people with PTSD tend to act out a lot and get really angry. I do blow up sometimes but it doesn't last long. Most of the time I don't have the will to fight or get upset. It takes a lot to rile me. I guess that's part of being a freeze type.

In a couple days I'm going up to a cabin with some friends. I'm looking forward to getting away, but also nervous because I'm already in a dissociative state to prepare for it, and I don't want it to make me less fun for them to be around. It should be fine. But I also know how my brain takes over sometimes and won't let me relax. I'm also afraid that I will have more nightmares while I'm there. I tend to have more when I'm more dissociated. I'm not dwelling on those fears, just venting them. It will probably be fine. I have to convince my inner child of that somehow.