Sooooo... I'm starting a recovery journal as a way of (hopefully) keeping better track of where I'm at in my mind. I'm in a really bad place right now :stars:, and I really need to unload my thoughts. I find that writing out my thoughts and feelings helps me sort through things and find some peace. I'm a little nervous about posting my "junk" for all to see. I might even say I feel a little ashamed because I have only gotten worse so far, so to post about how I'm not recovering in a recovery journal seems a little pointless, but I'm hoping I can eventually see some improvement. I'm going to be as brutally honest and vulnerable as I can without revealing too much info (I hope). I tend to say too much or not enough.
But I'm going to do this. Here goes. . .
First off, I'd like to figure out what exactly I hope to accomplish with this recovery journal.
1. I hope to eventually see some progress. I'm hoping to start therapy as soon as possible (which may not be for awhile unfortunately) and make some progress in the right direction. I'd like to document that progress here, as a sort of "before and after" to encourage myself.
2. I have recently been remembering some childhood memories in bits and pieces. I'd like to record the things I remember here, so as not to forget them again.
3. Mostly I just want to understand myself better. Especially my inner child.
4. I want to take note of the things that trigger me.
5. I want to keep track of my dreams, and see if I can discover a pattern.
For starters. . .
What I'm recovering from:
*Growing up in a very angry, emotionally cold home environment.
*My F's emotional abuse, especially towards my M. More specifically, his emotional coldness and neglect, pessimism, criticism, covert rage, extreme passive-aggression, gaslighting, inconsistency (saying one thing, doing another; abusive cycle), etc.
*My siblings' anger and narcissism. Both of my siblings are classic narcissists, and both have torn my M apart emotionally since they were little, and especially when they were teens. They would (and still do), play one parent against the other, shift blame, manipulate, throw fits or act terribly hurt or mistreated to get what they want, etc. One older sibling would criticize me a lot when I was little, calling me fat, among other things. He suddenly stopped talking to me or playing with me at some point when we were little, and has basically ignored me since (we're both adults now).
*Watching my M crumble over the years. She used to be a very frantic, worried person. She's calmed down some, but she still second guesses herself constantly, always asking for people's opinions and validation before making decisions. I don't blame her for this, but she hasn't exactly been an emotionally stable person to count on for support. She tries, but because of how my F and siblings treat her, she can't.
My symptoms, past and present:
Early childhood (pre-10) -
*Extreme phobias (fear of impending doom, being convinced our house was going to burn down, terror that my parents would die soon, grieving the fact that my dog will someday die, etc. My fears were so bad I would obsess about them all the time. I eventually grew out of these, and into others.
*It took me forever to stop sucking my thumb. I don't remember how old I was, but I remember my parents made me wear gloves to bed to try to help me stop.
*It's hard for me to remember much before 10. I just mostly remember being an extremely insecure, depressed child. I remember once my dad asked me when I was 8 what my favorite age was, and I confidently said 7. I don't remember why but I remember very much disliking 8+.
*I felt ashamed and terrified of growing up and getting married. I somehow got the idea from my F that he didn't want to lose me to a man, so I practically promised myself that I would never do that to him. I also promised my stuffed animals that I would never stop loving them. My stuffed animals were the best friends I ever had in my childhood. I spent many hours fantasizing with them.
*I remember staring in the mirror at myself and feeling disconnected from the reflection. I remember a persistent feeling of being unreal (depersonalization I suppose) all throughout my childhood, with varying severity.
*Feeling like I will die young.
15-Present (don't remember much from 10-15, not sure if because of trauma of if life was just uneventful):
*Depression
*Anxiety (Social Anxiety that has mostly subsided now)
*Digestive Disorders
*Adrenal Fatigue
*Suicidal Ideation
*Worsening Depersonalization
*Avoidance of anything/anyone that reminds me of my narcissistic family members
*Fear of men (which sometimes feels like social anxiety because I can't handle being in a room full of men)
*Chronic Nightmares
*Emotional Numbness
*Feeling Detached
*Emotional Flashbacks
*Various Memory Issues
:aaauuugh:
So yeah. That's kind of where I've been and where I'm at now. For the record I've toyed with the idea that I may have repressed memories of sexual abuse, and I have this looming feeling like my brain has been hiding something that I'm about to recall, but that isn't very scientific so I'm inclined to doubt my gut on that one. But we'll see I guess.
Recent nightmares. . .
*Running and hiding from terrorists.
*Someone saving my life several times.
*More running and hiding.
*Drowning.
*Nearly dying (like just feeling myself fade out of existence. Weird, I know.)
*Driving and nearly having an accident.
*Watching bombs fall and almost hit our house.
I had to text a Crisis help line the other night because I was seriously suicidal. Like worse than usual. They were really helpful to talk to. I think I've been in denial about how desperately I need help. But I do. I really do. :'( I guess I don't feel like I've been through anything worth getting help for, and certainly not anything that could've given me C-PTSD. But I do feel like I've been traumatized. Over and over and over. So maybe I was... I don't know. I haven't been officially diagnosed, so I guess I can't necessarily be sure I have PTSD. Part of me really wants to get evaluated so I can know for sure. But part of me is still in denial. I keep telling myself I'll get over it and be ok. But it just keeps getting worse. :fallingbricks: I hate this.
Hey :heythere:
I just wanna say I relate to feeling ashamed about sharing things, even online, but also that I don't think you, or I, have any rational reason to feel this way. You are reaching out and working on recovery, working on understanding yourself better in the hope you can heal. That is brave and very healthy.
It's sad to hear of your story and symptoms :( But I commend you for sharing them. I wish you all the best in recovering. <3
It can get better, and learning about yourself and any illness' you are experiencing is a pretty good first step. Sending love and hope :hug:
Quote from: samantha19 on May 19, 2016, 05:47:56 PM
Hey :heythere:
I just wanna say I relate to feeling ashamed about sharing things, even online, but also that I don't think you, or I, have any rational reason to feel this way. You are reaching out and working on recovery, working on understanding yourself better in the hope you can heal. That is brave and very healthy.
It's sad to hear of your story and symptoms :( But I commend you for sharing them. I wish you all the best in recovering. <3
It can get better, and learning about yourself and any illness' you are experiencing is a pretty good first step. Sending love and hope :hug:
Hi, thanks so much for your understanding and encouragement :) It really means a lot to me. And I agree we have no rational reason to be ashamed... but that's the trouble, isn't it? That our brains just refuse to operate rationally at times. Thanks again for your support :hug:
It's been a long day... I had a ton of anger that came out of nowhere, and I was really detached the whole day. Looking back on it now I feel almost like I wasn't there, but like I am watching someone else. Which is typical of dissociation I guess.
I also had a few EFs that hit me hard. I hate it when I'm triggered when I'm not expecting it. F is going to be gone for the weekend, which triggered the panic I used to feel when I was younger and away from my parents. It's the strangest feeling. When I'm triggered I become that small girl again - terrified of being alone, yet terrified of being with people at the same time. The intense pain and sorrow and fear explodes all at once inside me, yet I have to maintain my external composure so my M doesn't freak out. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry till the feeling passes. My inner child is desperate to be comforted and loved consistently, not abandoned and neglected.
And that's another thing... my M. She said today that she noticed I've withdrawn and gotten more irritable and difficult to work with the last couple of weeks. I hate it when what I'm feeling inside gets so bad that I can no longer hide it on the outside. I told her I've just been preoccupied with work. Thankfully, she bought it. I made a point to not be too withdrawn today, because I really do care for her and I don't want to hurt her by pulling away too much. I've decided not to tell her about the cPTSD struggle because she would either not get it and try to fix me, or she would be heartbroken and go too soft on me. Plus she would tell my F, and since he has been a huge contributor to my trauma, he would NOT be a help. So I have to keep it inside for now. I hope someday there's someone who will understand and actually help, not just pretend to get it and tell me what to do to get better.
I saw a quote somewhere about PTSD that I really related to: "Some days are worse than others, but those good days don't mean we're 'better' or 'over it.' It's really not a thing you can just 'get over.' Moving past it takes time and a lot of effort." — Madison Dakota Chamberlain
I'm afraid if I told people, they might be sympathetic for a little while, expecting me to get better because I've told them. And while I'm sure talking to someone would be a help, I also am pretty sure some people would assume on the good days that I'm getting over it, then on the bad days blame me for relapsing. I'm not sure I could deal with that. But maybe I'm misjudging people. I can't risk it now... maybe someday.
Certain smells have been triggering me more lately. One that has been particularly painful is that the smell of spring brings me back to times when I was really happy and carefree and excited about the beauty of springtime, which makes me really sad because I'm such a different person now. I feel so disconnected from myself.
One struggle I'm reluctant to talk about because I'm so confused about it is that I have this sense that I was sexually abused in my early childhood, but anytime I try to think back and remember, my mind just goes blank. It feels like the memory is there, but my brain won't give me permission to access it. I looked up some signs of *possible* sex abuse in childhood, and found an article that I identified with. I didn't even realize I had so many symptoms until I read the article. It was very enlightening. Of course the symptoms could just be related to the emotional abuse I've grown up with. I just want to take note of them here in case I recover a memory someday. Some of these symptoms are really embarrassing for me to admit, but they are true.
1. I began masturbating at an early age.
2. I seemed to know some things about sex even before they were explained to me.
3. I was (and am) extremely preoccupied with thoughts of sex.
4. I can't stand to be touched in certain sexual ways or areas of my body.
5. I feel as if there is something wrong or dirty about my sexuality.
6. I have fantasies of sexual abuse during sex or sexual fantasies of dominance or rape.
7. I have an erotic response to abuse or anger (certain kinds of abuse and anger).
8. I had or have recurring dreams.
9. I often have nightmares and night terrors (especially of pursuit, threat, or entrapment).
10. Sometimes I fear or sense that someone is in my bedroom. (I remember feeling this way especially as a young girl)
11. I remember vividly one or more nightmares from my childhood.
12. I hate going to the dentist more than most people.
13. I neglect my teeth.
14. My mouth seems repulsive to me. (Make that ALL mouths. I'm not a normally queasy person - blood and other bodily fluids don't bother me. But I cannot stand saliva or anything to do with the human mouth)
15. I hate to have someone touch my hair.
16. I am always alert to the possibility of sexual assault.
17. I don't like making noise during sex, or while I cry or laugh.
18. I carefully monitor my words or my volume, especially when I need to be heard.
19. I'm usually afraid to get too emotionally close to anyone, but I often get too close to people too fast, before I even know if I can trust them.
20. Sometimes I binge on huge amounts of food.
21. I gag and choke easily.
22. Even if I think something might be wrong with me, I don't go to the doctor.
23. I don't feel connected with my body.
24. I avoid looking in mirrors.
25. I prefer to wear clothes even while I swim, bath or sleep.
26. I wear clothing that covers up my body, either too much clothing or baggy clothes.
27. I avoid going to the gynecologist, or I dread it terribly. A huge phobia for me, and not just the usual uncomfortable nervousness. Thinking about going to one makes me incredibly angry and terrified.
28. I have had gastrointestinal problems.
29. When I feel threatened I sometimes feel detached from my body, like I am watching a scene from a movie. (Pretty much all the time)
30. I space out or daydream.
31. I have an extensive fantasy life. I imagine relationships or identities that I don't have.
32. I feel the need to be invisible or to make as little trouble as possible.
33. I instinctively know and do what others want or need without having to be told.
34. I don't know why people would want to be nice to me. I have a high appreciation of small favors by others.
35. I often feel like I have no right to set limits or to say no.
36. I feel the need to be perfect.
37. It is difficult for me to recognize, own, or express anger.
38. I often feel like I am being watched.
39. I get nervous when I am being watched.
40. I don't like surprises.
41. I startle easily.
42. When I am in crisis, I go into shock and shutdown.
43. Sometimes really violent or strange pictures flash through my mind. (Sometimes, but I usually forget them afterwards)
44. I feel a sense of doom, as though my life will end in tragedy or disaster.
45. I get nervous when I am happy and tend to sabotage it.
46. I have the feeling that if I am happy, it's not real or won't last.
47. I have unexplained bouts of depression or I cry without knowing the reason.
48. The pain in my life seems too big compared to my known history. (This one is hugely true for me)
49. I have a strong sense that something terrible has happened to me or that I carry an awful secret.
50. I have the feeling that no one will listen to me, though I have an urge to tell OR a strong fear that my secret will be revealed.
51. There is a blank period in my childhood when I can remember nothing. I also have a lot of trouble remembering what happened at what age.
52. Other people seem to have childhood memories at an earlier age than I do.
53. I feel different from everyone else; I feel that I'm not real and everyone else is.
54. I feel marked, like I am wearing a scarlet letter.
55. I have the feeling that I am crazy.
56. There have been times when I had suicidal thoughts (passive suicide).
57. Nothing seems very real sometimes.
58. I am not in touch with my feelings, I am usually numb.
59. I identify with abuse victims in the media, and often stories of abuse make me want to cry.
60. I tend to minimize the bad things that were done to me. "It wasn't that bad."
So that list ended up way longer than I thought. Ugh, part of me really wants to know for sure while part of me desperately hopes it isn't so.
I had another nightmare Saturday night. And not just the typical disturbing, bad dreams. This was the terrifying kind where I wake up and don't want to go back to sleep. In this dream, a tornado was coming towards my house, and I had to find a place where I might be safe, so I hid in the space between my bed and the wall (don't ask me why that seemed safe, dreams aren't logical). The tornado hit and started tearing apart the house, which started falling apart on top of me. I eventually woke up.
On another note, I was talking with my M yesterday, and she said when my kindergarten class went on a field trip to the county fair, I was terrified of going on the carousel. That would fit with all the irrational phobias I had as a child. Anyways, I am wondering if something traumatic (again, possibly molestation) happened before kindergarten, or possibly when I was a toddler? Which might explain why I wouldn't remember and why I had such incredible amounts of anxiety. And why I can never remember a time when I really felt safe for more than 5 minutes. And why I can't remember a time when I didn't suffer from depersonalization/derealization. But then again maybe I was just born with extreme anxiety which led to dissociation which led to depression which led to nightmares. The not knowing is driving me insane. ??? :stars: :'(
I've lost myself again... I hate this feeling of being detached from my own self.
How am I?
How am I coping?
What's going on inside my brain?
Self, where did you go? Where are you when I feel like I'm going insane and am completely detached from reality?? Why do you always abandon me when I'm at my lowest? :'( I need you. I need you to be stable when my emotions get carried away. I need you to be consistent when everything else in my life refuses to have any sort of stability. I need you!! :pissed: Desperately.
Okay... now that my Inner Critic has had her say, I need to remind myself of a few things.
1. My "Self" isn't gone forever, she is just taking a break for a bit.
2. She abandons me at my lowest because she knows she would destroy me if she were to be put through that much pain.
3. She will be back when the time is right.
Deep breath.
Okay, I can do this.
How am I feeling? :Idunno:
Detached. Very distant and unreal.
Afraid. :sadno: Actually, deep down I'm terrified, if I'll allow myself to admit it. My Inner Child is begging for me to let her have a good cry.
Confused. Three members of my immediate family are Narcs, borderline sociopaths. 'Nuff said. But yet I don't get it. Why do I have all this pain? I'm an adult now. Not a helpless child. But I guess in a way that isn't true... that helpless child is still very present and just as (if not more) in need of an overdose of consistent love as she ever was.
Guilty. I've been lashing out in anger WAY more than I ever used to. And it's not like I have a tendency to be an angry person, either. I used to not be able to get angry at all. Literally, I could not get mad because I always saw the best in others. But now lately all of a sudden someone will do or say something, my brain sees it as a threat, then I lash out and desperately try to get away. Most days I can get it back under control quickly, but still, I've been lashing out enough that I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better.
Really, really sad. I just want to disappear into nothingness. :no: :disappear:
Lonely. I wish sometimes I could tell someone I have PTSD... but there would be way too much risk of it getting back to my parents, and I'm not sure I can take that risk. But I don't want to isolate either... I need someone to understand how much I'm really hurting, even on the days when I'm coping. I'm not just feeling blue, or a little bit anxious. But that's another problem, I can't even describe the pain in a way that does it justice. There's a great quote I came across yesterday:
"Sometimes, you just can't tell anybody how you really feel. Not because you don't know why, not because you don't know your purpose, not because you don't trust them... but because you just can't find the words that will make them understand."
I also feel guilty because a part of me still feels like what I've been through isn't enough to deserve the diagnosis of PTSD (I haven't been officially diagnosed). Which also makes me feel weak and confused and ready to quit. :stars:
How have you been sleeping?
I slept really hard last night, but I woke up in a really weird dream where I was trying to lay down and die, but these kids kept interrupting me. Not sure what that was about, but it kind of set a weird tone for my day.
As far as what's been happening to trigger all the negative turmoil inside me...
My F took a 4 day vacation out of state last week, so it was nice to have a relatively safe environment at home for a little while. But now that he's home again, there have been so many triggers that I am thoroughly exhausted and just want to run and hide. :spooked:
I'm in a ton of pain.
But I have to hide the pain from my M because she would either not get it and blame me or feel too much sympathy and try to fix me. Or both.
So I'm simultaneously walking on eggshells and masking that I feel totally comfortable and happy, pretty much all the time.
I'm not sure what the right way to handle myself is anymore. Growing up I learned that if you have problems you're supposed to tell your parents because they offer you safety. What do you do when they are the ones who have threatened your safety for 18 years???
So sorry you are in so much pain, Alice97. I wish I could somehow send you a safe zone where you could shut yourself away and heal. I can't imagine trying to deal with all of this turmoil while still in the triggering environment. I'm decades out from my Original Horror Story, and still it overwhelms me sometimes. You have a lot of strength and courage, and I think you'll triumph in the end. Just remember to keep yourself safe!
Quote from: SeventhFold on May 25, 2016, 04:15:46 AM
So sorry you are in so much pain, Alice97. I wish I could somehow send you a safe zone where you could shut yourself away and heal. I can't imagine trying to deal with all of this turmoil while still in the triggering environment. I'm decades out from my Original Horror Story, and still it overwhelms me sometimes. You have a lot of strength and courage, and I think you'll triumph in the end. Just remember to keep yourself safe!
Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words.
I am going to do my very best to list 20 things I'm grateful for. I need to be careful not to get too absorbed in my problems.
Here goes (in no particular order)...
1. Music. It helps me express and feel the things I don't understand, calms me, and grounds me.
2. Rain. I love rain. Like music, I find it incredibly soothing and calming.
3. My cats. They have a way of doing something hilarious when I need to laugh, or just curling up on my lap when I need comfort.
4. My faith. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't believe I have a purpose and that God values me.
5. This website. Being able to journal and ask for input here has been a tremendous help.
6. Exercise. It is an outlet for all my negative energy.
7. Crisis help lines. They have gotten me through some particularly dark nights.
8. My friend. She may not know or understand the depth of my pain, but she is there for me and sometimes that's all I need.
9. Love. Even though I don't feel like I've received enough, I'm glad love exists in the first place and still hope I will receive the love I need someday.
10. Pain. As horrible as it is, it has made me stronger, and has shown me my own weaknesses and where I need to grow.
11. Olan Rogers. He makes me laugh, even on the worst days.
12. Tacos. Need I say more?
13. Tears. Crying has an amazingly therapeutic effect.
14. The internet, and all the online resources for people recovering from abuse and mental illness.
15. Emojis. How on earth would I express myself without all the wonderful emojis?
16. Movies. For when I need to veg out and forget the real world for awhile.
17. Time. As rotten as today is, it will eventually pass.
18. Books. Poetry, fiction, nonfiction -all of it.
19. Reflexology. Foot massages are wonderfully relaxing.
20. Lists. They help me keep my thoughts simple and organized.
I am so tired. I had a good day at work -it was nice to have something productive to do. But I only worked half the day, and spent this afternoon running errands with my M. It's crazy how alone I feel in public. I feel ashamed and really sad and scared (all at once of course) because no one sees through my fake smile. No one knows I have PTSD. No one knows F is abusive. M won't even admit it unless things are really, really bad for a long time. No one knows I can't get rid of my suicidal thoughts, and it's getting easier to see that as a possible escape. It hurts so much to be so lonely....I feel like my mind is at war with itself, desperately needing help, yet pushing people away because I don't want to hurt them, and I am also afraid of rejection. I feel like there's a ticking time bomb in my heart and if anyone gets too close it will go off and destroy me and them.
I've also been zoning out a lot lately. I can't concentrate on anything. It interfered with work today, I felt like it took a ton of effort to not work in slow motion. I'm getting more forgetful. The cPTSD is always in the back of my mind, distracting me, taunting me, and holding me back. Some days I can keep it under control and actually find it easy to be productive. But most days are so triggering that it takes a lot just to get out of self-destruct mode. I have to get out of here... but I'm not sure how.
Oh and something that happened recently that I don't want to forget. . . I was in a class a couple days ago, and the instructor briefly mentioned child molestation. When he was talking about it, I had a sort of silent panic attack (dry eyes, heavy breathing, sick feeling of terror, etc.). I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything happened to me, just found it interesting.
I just have to get through tonight... and take life one day at a time.
I'm back to being really confused again. My F is a covert N (emphasis on covert), and has been so incredibly inconsistent today... AGAIN. One minute he seems nice and the next it's obvious he is completely self absorbed and has no ability to feel empathy. I feel so bad saying this stuff because I really love him and would never want to betray him... but the truth is he created a very inconsistent and insecure environment for me to grow up in by saying a lot of the right things, yet doing the things he talks against behind closed doors, and then admitting he doesn't do what he says, and then back to being cold-hearted, and on and on and on. My M is still very much in the Fog. She started to come out of it a couple months ago when F gave her the silent treatment for 3 weeks, but then he turned around quickly after we had a long discussion, which you would think would make me happy, but he's done that so many times it's hard for me to believe it anymore when he goes from raging to nice and fake-affectionate. And the mind games he plays... oh my word it's ridiculous. "Crazy-making" really is a good way to describe it. You cannot disagree with him and come out alive. He is very intelligent and operates on a purely intellectual level, which means he also argues on an intellectual level, and thinks he has won when people can't come up with good answers to his objections to their objections, while we end up feeling guilty and like we've just been torn apart. I've decided to avoid disagreeing with him verbally entirely whenever possible. But my M still feels the need to "discuss" things with him -trying to reason with him and make him understand. I know she isn't consciously trying to fix him, but subconsciously it's obvious that she still has hope that he can change and she thinks he really does care he just doesn't know how to show it. Or she thinks he is just really insecure and just needs some affirmation and encouragement (that's the last thing he needs!!!). He may be masking insecurity with his narcissistic ways, but "encouraging" him does NOT make anything better. It temporarily makes him a little more tolerable to be around because someone complimented him, but in the long run it only feeds his ego.
I saw another quote that resonated with me yesterday (funny how a one-liner can explain so much so simply while I struggle to even realize what I'm feeling).
"Unpredictability and uncontrollability are the breeding grounds for PTSD."
Whether what I've been through is this kind of abuse or that kind of PD or whatever the right diagnosis for my symptoms might be, I at least know for sure that those unpredictability and uncontrollability permeated my childhood, and it is OK to recognize that. Ugh, why is it so hard to give myself permission to struggle with cPTSD???
I'm so glad I started this journal. It's a relief to be able to process here, away from everyone and everything triggering.
Today was a rotten day following a very long, exhausting week. I started the morning with my M telling me F is doing better (she has said that countless times when it's obvious he's not doing better he just happens to be acting nice for the moment). She said I need to be willing to interact with F more. I told her I will when it's reasonable, but there are some topics I refuse to discuss with him because it will turn into a debate and I can't handle any more of those. I get very discouraged when I have those conversations with her because she seems to think I'm avoiding F just because I'm mad at him or something. It isn't that, M, it's that when I'm around him I feel like the little girl who is terrified and unsettled and just wants to lay down and die. There's only so much a person can interact with someone that triggering without destroying themselves.
M also said that after one of her and F's arguments yesterday he asked her to be patient with him because he's still learning. I've heard that line too many times with little to no change to believe it. He is one of those people who you can't take at their word, but their actions speak volumes. I've opted just to dismiss those hoovering statements entirely. If he changes someday, great. Until then I have to be smart and safe about how much I interact with him. Today he was in a raging mood at my M again. This morning I was feeling really low, irritable, and sad. Then I had to spend the afternoon with F, which is extremely triggering and sends me into my freeze response and dissociation again. Especially when he is angry. I feel like I'm dying inside. This evening when my suicidal thoughts started overwhelming me again I turned up some of my favorite music for awhile, which helped. Music is one of the few things that helps me feel alive and well. It's a temporary fix but it does help offer an escape.
I'm also feeling the urge to isolate myself again. I just want to tell everyone I'm fine, create a fake happy me, and little by little isolate myself. And I know that would be the worst thing I could do for myself but I feel like I might really hurt people when I'm like this, and I don't want to create more conflict. I know in my head that I need to be honest about how I'm doing with the few people who might be able to help, but I'm so scared I will fall apart completely if I do that. I also know it's hard for the family and friends of people with mental illness. I don't want to be one of those people.
There's a line from a movie "You fear that if you start the horrors might never stop..." or something like that. Yup, pretty much. I also still have this feeling that I was molested or something horrible in my early childhood, as some of my symptoms go back to before kindergarten, which was before F's emotional abuse would have affected me much. He was still my hero at that point. I'm scared that if I start to deal with stuff I know about from my past, I might get more than I asked for or can handle. It's probably an inaccurate paranoia, but maybe not. :Idunno:
I'm sorry you had a hard day, Alice. I hope tomorrow things get better for you. One thing that is nice about growing up is that we have more choices and can defend ourselves against unhealthy situations by holding firm to our boundaries. We have to take care of ourselves however bad things get or however alone we may have felt in the past.
I'm glad that music helps you. It helps me also. Sometimes music in my car really helps get me through the day. I'm happy that I'm less numb now and can hear the sounds, the guitar and really savor it. It's little things we need to find to be grateful for when times are darkest.
I totally understand the isolation thing. I think I catch myself fantasizing about 3 days a week about where I can disappear to. I find that participating in group activities or a support system for my issues and voicing them to others who have similar problems gives me a feeling of togetherness. I'm starting to value togetherness more than solitude and this is helping motivate me to seek out others. Do you have a support system? I'm also feeling like I'm happier when I do something charitable for someone. It makes me realize my situation isn't so bad.
Best of luck on feeling better!
Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds similar to what I went through (extreme passive aggression is just :fallingbricks:), and so it's really nice to hear that someone else gets it. So sorry that you're hurting now :hug:
Also, do you have a link for the article on sexual abuse that you found? (don't search if you don't want to, but I just thought I'd ask)
Thank you healingjourney, I appreciate your support. Today was actually a better day as I was able to get some support from a friend. She is the only support I have, and she doesn't know I have PTSD (I'm still working up the courage to tell her), but she knows about some of my struggles and is very supportive about the things she does know. I can see how sharing in a group that understands could be very helpful, I'm glad you have that. I'd love to have something like that someday... there's only so much a friend who hasn't been through it can understand.
Quote from: sparklegarden on May 29, 2016, 02:17:30 PM
Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds similar to what I went through (extreme passive aggression is just :fallingbricks:), and so it's really nice to hear that someone else gets it. So sorry that you're hurting now :hug:
Also, do you have a link for the article on sexual abuse that you found? (don't search if you don't want to, but I just thought I'd ask)
So sorry you have been through the whole extreme passive aggression thing... it really is :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: I'm so glad my post helped you not feel so alone :)
Here is the link for the article on sexual abuse: http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/02/13/possible-indicators-of-sexual-abuse/
Best wishes :hug:
I just had a bit of an epiphany.
I recently treated one of my cats for fleas, and he has to be separated from the other cats for 24 hours. I always feel very guilty and sad when I have to separate them. It always made me feel really upset is when something bad happens to young children or animals. It makes me feel incredibly angry and sad and guilty all at once. I can't handle watching stuff like that in movies, because it is extremely triggering. Anyways, I was thinking about it today, wondering why I have such an extreme reaction to violence against vulnerable children and pets, but violence towards adults doesn't bother me any more than it would a normal person. I think it's because animals and children don't understand what is happening, just as I didn't understand all the pain I was in growing up. So watching someone else who is vulnerable go through something bad (or even something not bad like being separated from the other cats for a day) triggers everything my Inner Child felt when I was growing up.
Quote from: Alice97 on May 30, 2016, 02:12:22 AM
Thank you healingjourney, I appreciate your support. Today was actually a better day as I was able to get some support from a friend. She is the only support I have, and she doesn't know I have PTSD (I'm still working up the courage to tell her), there's only so much a friend who hasn't been through it can understand.
I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to with. Perhaps you can be honest with her and ask her that she doesn't need to give you advice or anything but maybe just be willing to listen occasionally to what you're going through emotionally? I think lots of people are good listeners when they don't feel burdened to give advice. This is a huge opportunity for support. I hope that she is a good friend and you wouldn't scare her. I don't think she really needs to understand for you to get the benefits of not being alone and feeling connected to another human being who is feeling for you compassionately. Know what I mean?
**************Trigger alert************
I was sexually abused so I relate to your fear- not that that's a good thing. I never talk about it. I'm deeply ashamed and refuse to admit it. I've told two humans about it who know me. And I've blocked out most memories of it. I keep telling myself it's not a big deal- and it didn't happen for that long. But I'm certain it affected my sexuality and how I view sex as less meaningful and stressful.
Quote from: healingjourney on May 31, 2016, 06:16:26 AM
I'm glad you have a friend you can talk to with. Perhaps you can be honest with her and ask her that she doesn't need to give you advice or anything but maybe just be willing to listen occasionally to what you're going through emotionally? I think lots of people are good listeners when they don't feel burdened to give advice. This is a huge opportunity for support. I hope that she is a good friend and you wouldn't scare her. I don't think she really needs to understand for you to get the benefits of not being alone and feeling connected to another human being who is feeling for you compassionately. Know what I mean?
I think I will, my biggest fear is that she would get too concerned and tell her parents. Or that she wouldn't get how severe it actually is. I'm grateful for your idea of asking her just to listen, and letting her know I don't need advice. I think you're right, that might help take some of the burden off her. I feel like it would almost be easier if I went through war or horrific physical abuse or something that is more recognized to be traumatic. PTSD from growing up in the environment I did is a bit harder to explain, especially when F's abuse was very covert. But I have told her about some of the things he does, so maybe I wouldn't have to explain too much. I will probably just have to risk it, keeping it to myself is killing me.
I guess you are right, she doesn't really have to understand to help. It does bother me a little bit though when she says stuff like "I completely understand," and I wonder if she actually does, or if she is just trying to help. I appreciate it, but I feel like when she says that it somehow negates the amount of pain I'm in.
I'm so sorry to hear you've been through sexual abuse, thanks for relating to my fear. I hope someday you can come to the point where you aren't ashamed, as there is certainly nothing for you to be ashamed about. I do relate to that shame though... it doesn't have to make sense to still haunt us. I also relate to minimizing problems so they don't seem as bad, I think it's our brains' way of trying to keep us from more pain.
I'm exhausted. I want to sleep for a hundred years... without nightmares. Or better yet, with good dreams.
Today was one of those mornings where I wake up from a nightmare and begin having an anxiety attack within 30 seconds. My heartbeat gets faster and weaker, I start to breath shallow and quickly, I feel nauseous, like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment, and I get very shaky. I also tend to have tremors and random embarrassing twitches when I'm like that. I'm not sure what triggered it today, the nightmare wasn't the kind that leaves me terrified, just more disturbed. Maybe it was just anticipation of the day. Does anyone else here wake up with anxiety attacks? Do you think it's a sort of flashback or just random anxiety?
This morning's attack lasted 4 hours or so, until I decided to just sit down and play my guitar for awhile. That did the trick -it distracted my mind from my troubles and let me focus just on music. I actually felt good for a little while. Now I'm just numb and detached and really, really tired.
Last night's nightmare (the one I remember, there were probably more) was that I was stuck up in the rafters of a parking garage (weird) with a couple other people (don't remember who), and I had to find a way to get down without falling. I remember feeling claustrophobic and scared of falling. It ended with me getting down ok, but was still kind of disturbing, although not as much as my worse nightmares.
I'm starting to think about moving out. It scares me -I don't want to leave my mom and sister to deal with all the crap at home, but it might be best. I know if I do it will take awhile to get to that point, I need a job and I'll have to do it in a way that isn't a shock to my parents. In the meantime I hope to get my own business up and running in the next few months, and rent an office space to do my work away from home during the day. That will provide some welcome relief I'm sure. But it's going to be awhile before either of those (moving out or working away from home) are really viable options. I hope I can survive in the meantime.
Quote from: Alice97 on May 31, 2016, 08:57:53 PM
Does anyone else here wake up with anxiety attacks? Do you think it's a sort of flashback or just random anxiety?
Yes. Quite often, actually, and mostly for me at the start of another working day. When this happens, I find that even though I've slept and dreamed about other things, the first and only thing on my mind is fear and it has been there all night. Sometimes the anxiety starts in the evening and I can't fall asleep.
So, to assure you somewhat, you are not the only one who has this.
Quote from: Alice97 on May 31, 2016, 08:57:53 PM
This morning's attack lasted 4 hours or so, until I decided to just sit down and play my guitar for awhile. That did the trick -it distracted my mind from my troubles and let me focus just on music. I actually felt good for a little while. Now I'm just numb and detached and really, really tired.
For me, it's showering. Taking a long, hot shower calms me down more often than not. Remember that this (playing guitar) works for you, it sounds like a good thing.
Self-soothing is something that children should be taught by their parents. The normal development should be that at first mom is always there whenever the baby makes a fuss. Later, the baby is left alone for brief amounts of time with a teddy bear, a surrogate. That way, a baby learns to transfer feelings of soothing and comfort to something else (something external) than mom. Later, this is integrated into a sense of security.
Play your guitar whenever you need to soothe yourself :cheer:
Quote from: Alice97 on May 31, 2016, 08:57:53 PM
I'm starting to think about moving out. It scares me -I don't want to leave my mom and sister to deal with all the crap at home, but it might be best. I know if I do it will take awhile to get to that point, I need a job and I'll have to do it in a way that isn't a shock to my parents.
Feelings of fear and guilt are very common. (If you're interested, there's a book called "My Parent's Keeper" that addresses this. Also "Life and how to survive it" talks about healthy and unhealthy behaviors when growing up. Both books discuss feelings of guilt and that in healthy families there is both a sense of being together as well as a sense of being individuals. In unhealthy families, it's often not allowed to be an individual.) Moving out is the healthy thing to do here.
I'm not saying it's easy to move out, but if you can find a way, I highly recommend moving out. Get yourself a space of your own and do not, under any circumstance, give a key to anyone else until you feel safe enough to do so. (And if I may be so bold to say this, do not give a key to any of your family members in any circumstance. Even if they would not abuse it, I felt much safer knowing they could not enter my house even if they wanted to.)
Thank you, annakoen. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
And thanks for your support about moving out. It's going to be really hard and I'll have to work up to it, but I need to do it.
Quote from: Alice97 on May 31, 2016, 08:57:53 PM
Does anyone else here wake up with anxiety attacks? Do you think it's a sort of flashback or just random anxiety?
Yes- I thought this was part of aging. I was wrong. My desire to be 3 places at once all throughout the day took over my sleep cycle about 9 months ago, and when I was sleeping I even wanted to be somewhere. I was sleeping awfully- though the nightmares were less frequent. Strangely, I had a recurring nightmare within 60 minutes of falling asleep on many occasions. Then I started giving myself a bedtime as well as taking a hot bath several days per week. I second annakoen's comment. The calming effect a bath delivers is amazing. I have been getting pretty great sleep. I highly recommend it. I was so embarrassed to take a bath for several weeks because it strikes me as not tough. Everything I've ever done in my life was about acting tough. One more thing- I have a similar form of anxiety, I wake up through the night while solving a problem that I believe I have and obsessively solve the problem different ways when I wake up. I don't even know how to explain it. I just had this insight this morning because I didn't keep my bedtime and I paid the price with this nagging problem solving dream or whatever it is.
healingjourney - I'm glad taking baths helps relax you, I will have to try that. I know you know this but there's no reason it makes you less tough or anything, but I understand why you would feel ashamed of it.
I'm having one of those days where I am so outside of myself and detached that I'm really not sure how I'm feeling. Yesterday I couldn't stop crying, now I'm numb. That's how it goes I guess.
F has been in angry mode for 6 days now... which isn't that unusual but it makes him extremely triggering to be around. There is just this strong, dark, oppressive atmosphere at home when he's here, especially when he is covertly raging. I've been able to avoid him the last few days, but that doesn't stop me from going into my freeze response whenever he is home and there is a chance of having to be around him.
I guess that's what is happening right now -I'm frozen. :stars:
I have had so many days lately where I've been hurting so bad that I feel like I could easily just lay down and die. :sadno:
I still feel guilty for not being "over it" yet. Struggling to accept and allow myself to struggle through this, and to have good and bad days.
I just realized a couple of things I want to make a note of:
(1. When I start to come out of a DP episode, I tend to freak out because feeling real is so foreign to me, which sends me back into a dissociative state again. I've gotten so used to being detached that it has become my normal, even my comfort zone. I wonder if I will ever feel safe enough to pull out of my detached state for good or if I am doomed to be stuck here forever :'(
(2. I have experienced profound emotional neglect/abandonment. I don't know why I never realized this before. It isn't just that I've witnessed my F's covert narcissistic abuse towards my mom (negative), I have also never received much positive attention (emotionally), which is in itself a negative. I'm going to ask some questions and share my experience with neglect/abandonment in the section of the same name on this site. I hope to find some answers and in the process find some comfort for my Inner Child.
Just a brief update...
It is becoming very clear to me that I need to start making steps towards moving out. It will probably be a long, painful process but it needs to happen. I cannot stay here and survive.
I watched a movie the other night called "The Unsaid." It was way more relate-able and triggering than I anticipated. One of the characters had repressed memories of incest, and there were several scenes showing his symptoms as well as scenes where his therapist worked with him. I always have this weird feeling in my gut when I watch movies or here stories of child molestation, almost as if what happened to them happened to me. Tommy, the character in the movie who was abused, was basically an exact replica of me and my symptoms. I feel really weird for relating to a character when I don't even know if that happened to me for sure. But I do, honestly I do. C-PTSD from emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse explains a lot of my problems, but not all of them. I hate being so confused. It seems like nothing in my life has ever been straightforward and clear. :'(
I can relate to your desire to move out on your own. When I was a teen it became my greatest goal.
I am in the middle of a very bad episode of dissociation. Being this numb and detached is almost worse than being in pain. I generally have a hard time trying to figure out what I'm feeling anyways, but it's especially bad when I'm dissociated. And it's worse this time because I don't know why I'm dissociating. Things haven't been too terrible at home the last few days, there have been a few moments that triggered me but not as many as usual. So why am I so out of it?? I'm almost never completely "here," but this is really bad. I still wonder if something else traumatic happened to me in my early childhood, because I have had these episodes for my whole life, even before my F's emotional abuse started. Is it possible for someone to just be born with as much extreme anxiety as I had? I wish I understood why I detached so much as a young girl. I know why I did when I was older - because of the emotional abuse - but what about before that? And what about now, when things aren't too bad at home? I feel so stupid and silly for being this confused and upset about it. I just can't shake this feeling that something else happened that I have repressed. I'm trying to relax and let the memory (if it's there) come back when/if I'm ready. It's just so hard feeling so distant and numb and not knowing why.
Hi Alice-
There's no need to feel guilty for how you feel. There's no way you could have been responsible for things that you were made to experience at a young age- things that are literally burned into our brains in the form of synaptic pathways. The current state of affairs' influence on your present day feelings has limited ability to desensitize you to past trauma you experienced in your past, especially that trauma which occurred at too young an age for you to defend yourself in any way whatsoever. I heard somewhere that over 80% of personality is determined by experiences before the age of 5. Can you accept the incredible emotional fragility that places each of our emotional healthiness quotients into? I never could. But I'm starting to. I'm learning to see myself as less of a robot. I own 3 homes, have limited threats to my security today, and I can still be triggered into a cycle of despair by as little as a small change in my financial well-being. But I'm finding if I can pause myself in the moment, refocus my excess supply of energy into my feelings and my thinking about the situation, I can establish the trivial nature of the risks and regain awareness of the inner peace that exists somewhere inside myself often far from my instinct.
Can you do me a favor if it's not triggering for you and describe what dissociation entail? I've been trying to work with my therapist to understand if I experience dissociation and I don't know if I do. I read about it but don't know what it means. I think I do experience this but I think it is rare and normally I'm drawn to action before this occurs. I only dissociate I think when no solution appears in sight. I used to think this was just healthy daydreaming. But maybe I'm wrong... I hope you feel better in any event and I hope my experiences can shed some light on your confusion. This is a challenge we have to adapt to through constant effort. I think there are many joys to be celebrated if we do the work. There are some joys I can celebrate in my 30s that I never dreamed would exist in my 20s. I feel alive for the first time in 20 years. Keep your head up and retain hope for a better tomorrow.
healingjourney - Thank you, I really needed to hear that. Thanks for validating how I feel and encouraging me to hope.
For me, dissociation involves both depersonalization (feeling detached from my body) and derealization (feeling detached from my surroundings, or as though they are distant or unreal). Both are really hard to explain, but I'll do my best. When I'm in DR, everything around me feels unreachable and fake. It sounds weird but sometimes I'll reach out and touch things, yet not feel connected to them. It's so hard to explain... I guess I just feel really distant and like I'm not really present, if you know what I mean. When I'm in DP, I feel like I'm not even in my own body. I will look at myself in the mirror, and even though on an intellectual level I know it's me, I don't really feel like I recognize myself. I don't feel like I know the person in the reflection. It can be really scary sometimes. I hope that explanation helps a little, like I said it is really hard to explain it in a way that does it justice. I've also read that dissociation can be something a little easier to understand, like watching movies or getting busy with work as a way to escape from the pain and detach yourself from it for awhile.
This morning I woke up out of a really bad nightmare (again). I had a few -some of trying to escape terrorist-like people, and then the one that woke me up, which was very much a flashback. In the dream F got really mad at my sister. He thought she was refusing to obey him, when really she was being compliant. I felt the need to defend her. After a few minutes of his really intense anger, he suddenly switched to being nice, which made me really angry because when he's angry at least I can identify what's happening and deal with it. But when he is all of a sudden nice, but without any real remorse for what he just finished doing, it makes me mad because it seems fake and superficial, and I know the anger is still lurking under the surface, just waiting to be triggered again. The nightmare was way too much like real life, and needless to say I woke up with quite the anxiety attack.
Just out of curiosity to anyone who might read this, if you have nightmares, do you often forget their content after you wake up? I know it's normal to forget regular dreams, but you would think that nightmares are vivid enough that you'd remember them? I forget most of my nightmares until something in waking life triggers a memory of them. I tend to remember the ones I have right before waking up, but forget the ones I have earlier in the night. Just curious if anyone else is like that.
Yes, I do forget some or all of a nightmare at times. Sometimes I only realize I had a nightmare but no other information - only a grey pall over the day.
Quote from: Alice97 on June 15, 2016, 01:25:18 PM
This morning I woke up out of a really bad nightmare (again). I had a few -some of trying to escape terrorist-like people, and then the one that woke me up, which was very much a flashback. In the dream F got really mad at my sister. He thought she was refusing to obey him, when really she was being compliant. I felt the need to defend her. After a few minutes of his really intense anger, he suddenly switched to being nice, which made me really angry because when he's angry at least I can identify what's happening and deal with it. But when he is all of a sudden nice, but without any real remorse for what he just finished doing, it makes me mad because it seems fake and superficial, and I know the anger is still lurking under the surface, just waiting to be triggered again. The nightmare was way too much like real life, and needless to say I woke up with quite the anxiety attack.
Just out of curiosity to anyone who might read this, if you have nightmares, do you often forget their content after you wake up? I know it's normal to forget regular dreams, but you would think that nightmares are vivid enough that you'd remember them? I forget most of my nightmares until something in waking life triggers a memory of them. I tend to remember the ones I have right before waking up, but forget the ones I have earlier in the night. Just curious if anyone else is like that.
I have some of the most vivid nightmares sometimes and I sit awake for like 5 minutes afterwards promising myself they were real- that nothing this real has ever happened- but then I fall asleep and later that day don't even remember the dream like 95% of the time. Strangely, if I have sex close to going to sleep (like if I fall asleep right after) I have a dream I'm being attacked or murdered like 20% of the times I go to sleep. It always happens within 45 minutes of me being asleep. It's so awkward to wake up 45 minutes after you fell asleep.
Quote from: Alice97 on June 13, 2016, 06:06:25 PM
healingjourney - Thank you, I really needed to hear that. Thanks for validating how I feel and encouraging me to hope.
For me, dissociation involves both depersonalization (feeling detached from my body) and derealization (feeling detached from my surroundings, or as though they are distant or unreal). Both are really hard to explain, but I'll do my best. When I'm in DR, everything around me feels unreachable and fake. It sounds weird but sometimes I'll reach out and touch things, yet not feel connected to them. It's so hard to explain... I guess I just feel really distant and like I'm not really present, if you know what I mean. When I'm in DP, I feel like I'm not even in my own body. I will look at myself in the mirror, and even though on an intellectual level I know it's me, I don't really feel like I recognize myself. I don't feel like I know the person in the reflection. It can be really scary sometimes. I hope that explanation helps a little, like I said it is really hard to explain it in a way that does it justice. I've also read that dissociation can be something a little easier to understand, like watching movies or getting busy with work as a way to escape from the pain and detach yourself from it for awhile.
Thanks for your explanation, Alice. I think I experience derealization very infrequently. I'm not sure that my daydreaming when a problem becomes unsolvable qualifies- even if I do it for 10 minutes- or if that's just mental overload. I do sometimes feel derealization when someone asks me to do something I don't want to do and I like freeze up and don't reply and I am stuck in another place thinking about the risks- mostly imagined- in what is being asked of me. If that makes any sense...it does indeed sound complicated. I think you did a great job explaining it! I'm sorry you experience this so much- like my OCD it sounds like it would create a burden on daily responsibility!
healingjourney -
Yes, it sounds like you experience a mild version of derealization sometimes. And yes it really does create a burden on daily responsibility. It makes it so hard to interact with people sometimes. I almost prefer "just" being depressed over being depressed and dissociated because I can at least identify and understand where emotional pain comes from. But dissociation is so weird and it makes everything harder.
I've found that writing things out here really helps me process what's going on in my head, which is really confused and overwhelmed at the moment :stars: It's really hard for me to be vulnerable and honest about how bad my PTSD is, but today I'm going to try something different and outline a typical day in my life. And I'm going to try not to chicken out of sharing the worst details. Ha. I call them "worst details" and then proceed to almost delete that sentence because I still feel like my life isn't that bad. *TRIGGER WARNING*
Here goes...
I wake up out of a restless night full of nightmares. I have a headache. Within 10 seconds I'm starting to have an anxiety attack. I start to shake and tremble. My breathing slows down. My heart beats irregularly. I have to force myself to swallow. I feel distant and unreal - completely detached. I wonder how on earth I'm going to survive the day ahead.
I force myself out of bed, put on a smile, and try to lose myself in work and the day's activities. But triggers never fail to hit me out of nowhere. They always seem to know when the anxiety is starting to let up (usually around noon) and then they hit me with an overwhelming sadness and hopelessness as I'm again thrown back into the past. It can be something as small as a sound, a smell, or a person. My Inner Child reminds me just how much she's in pain. My Inner Critic blames me for keeping that pain to myself, and then tries to convince me it isn't that bad. In those moments, all I want to do is curl up and die.
I have numerous dissociation episodes throughout the day. Most days it's constant, with some parts of the day being more severe than others. Which adds to the feeling of isolation and makes me feel even more insane.
By late afternoon/evening I'm in desperate need of a break to listen to music, journal, or color. Something to release the pent up emotions of the day. I'm tired, wanting to sleep but knowing it won't be a restful sleep. I spend a couple hours trying to calm down enough to sleep... and then the suicidal thoughts hit me. The past couple of months they have been really bad and I'm really scared I'm going to end up doing it. I don't think I will for the sake of my family, but I've had way too many weak moments where it seems like a viable option lately. Anyways, I usually end up either sobbing uncontrollably or feeling so numb that I just don't care about anything at all. I'm not sure which is worse. The suicidal thoughts are probably what I'm most ashamed of.
Once I finally convince myself to stay alive through the night and exhaust myself with crying, I can finally manage to fall asleep. And then the nightmares start again, one after another. Sometimes just keeping me in a perpetual state of restless anxiety, other times waking me up with terrorizing images. And life goes on.
I do have good days sometimes where I don't have nightmares and I'm motivated to get out and make a difference in the world. But as I'm sure everyone here knows, having a good day doesn't necessarily mean I'm better or over it. It just means I had a good day.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Each time I read posts like this, I am encouraged to a deeper level of honesty, so thank you. You're an inspiration.
I'm so sorry you are going thru that right now. No one should have to endure such pain. But I believe we'll get better! There's healing for us - we weren't born with this, it was given to us.
Alice! Oh my goodness do we have so very many things in common. I have a very similar dynamic in my parents, though they divorced when I was 7 (the legal battle lasted until I was 15). My father is a covert narcissist and my mother is mostly a delicate flower (though she has bipolar disorder) at her core. My dad abandoned me when I was 15 because I stood up to him about the abhorrent living conditions he subjected my younger brothers & I to while treating my older step sisters like princesses. I ended up trapped in an abusive, controlling relationship with my mother. I feel like an older version of you, sweet girl. Move out. Do it. It is daunting and scary and I'm sure they'll discourage you in 100 ways but you are a valid, sweet creature and you deserve to decide your own circumstances. Just know that moving out doesn't solve it. I'm 23, married, and travel the country for work with my husband and still find myself triggered by phone calls from my parents. My dad recently drove 5 hours in a dramatic gesture of wanting to be part of my life again, only to tell me he's too busy every time I've asked to see him since. That was in February. We've got to create this sense of security in ourselves, I suppose. I always thought I was defective and didn't realize there were other people out there living what I live every day. Honestly I've lived my life in fear I was actually bipolar like my mom. It's almost a comfort to know its "only" c-ptsd. At least this I can confront. I just had to reply to you because your thread speaks straight to my soul. I'm with ya 100% on everything you've described. Somehow there's comfort in that. It's a little bit less lonely in the universe right now.
K92 - Thank you sooooo much :hug:
I'm not glad you're going through and have gone through the same stuff but it's nice to know someone else gets it, and that I'm not alone. And thanks for pushing me to move out - I agree that I really should. I just have to find a steady job to afford it and then I think I will. I have a really hard time doing what people (especially my parents) won't like though, so I'm going to need a ton of courage to actually walk out the door when the time comes.
Quote from: Three Roses on June 24, 2016, 04:19:54 AM
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Each time I read posts like this, I am encouraged to a deeper level of honesty, so thank you. You're an inspiration.
I'm so sorry you are going thru that right now. No one should have to endure such pain. But I believe we'll get better! There's healing for us - we weren't born with this, it was given to us.
Thank you Three Roses :hug: I'm so glad my post encouraged you to a deeper level of honesty. It makes me feel like I at least have some small purpose here :) And you are right - it was given to us. I really have to work on not blaming myself.
It takes courage to go and it takes courage to stay gone. It probably took me three full years before I was finally free of their emotional manipulation enough to see a big difference in my quality of life. You've basically gotta break habits you formed as an infant, which is really, really hard. I recently moved back to my home town for 14 months and had the worlds biggest backslide in my emotional wellbeing. For me, at least, distance is pretty key in retaining control over my life. I also had to let go of a lot of the responsibility I felt toward my younger brothers. It's hard but it really is worth it. Every therapist I had as a child told me to get away but I just felt so obligated and I knew they'd be so disappointed and angry. Now they're pretty much always mad at me and it's almost made me numb to it. Somewhere deep inside my emotional self realized how ridiculous they really are. I don't know. Everyone has their own journey and their own path to growth & healing, I just want you to know it can be done and I believe you can do it!
Quote from: Alice97 on June 24, 2016, 03:33:07 AM
My Inner Child reminds me just how much she's in pain. My Inner Critic blames me for keeping that pain to myself, and then tries to convince me it isn't that bad. In those moments, all I want to do is curl up and die.
By late afternoon/evening I'm in desperate need of a break to listen to music, journal, or color. Something to release the pent up emotions of the day. I'm tired, wanting to sleep but knowing it won't be a restful sleep. I spend a couple hours trying to calm down enough to sleep... and then the suicidal thoughts hit me. The past couple of months they have been really bad and I'm really scared I'm going to end up doing it. I don't think I will for the sake of my family, but I've had way too many weak moments where it seems like a viable option lately. Anyways, I usually end up either sobbing uncontrollably or feeling so numb that I just don't care about anything at all. I'm not sure which is worse. The suicidal thoughts are probably what I'm most ashamed of.
Alice, I'm sorry you're going through such an intense emotional struggle. Have you tried taking a bath or hot shower before you want to rest? What about letting yourself nap at random times? I've found I need to sneak in rest when I can get it and when I feel relaxed enough. Sleep makes such a difference in my mental health- I can take in more pleasure.
I totally relate to the suicidal thoughts and the guilt that immediately follows. I don't think we want to feel so injured emotionally. At times the hopelessness overwhelms and I just want the world to feel what I'm feeling- the loss of me; but that's selfish and my issue I need to take ownership of- the feelings. I'm so happy that you say you won't act on your thoughts. But perhaps think about other reasons why this world wants you in it- you're an excellent writer, you're empathic, and you're young. The world needs young people, their hopes and their dreams. Think about all the gifts you have, and how many people want to be near those gifts you possess. Realize your self worth beyond your family. You matter apart from them. Maybe find more people who remind you of this- here or elsewhere. And just think about the new gifts you might uncover tomorrow and how someone will come along and appreciate them.
I am working on defining a value system for myself. I think this will help me to conquer my suicidal thoughts. If I have all these things I see as valuable, then when I fail at X I succeed at Y. When person A tells me I'm bad I can look at my value C and how well I'm striving for it. I noticed that I'm missing a lot of self esteem and self value and I really crave for my own value system and need to find a belief that I matter for reasons beyond my accomplishments in someone else's eyes. I want my own accomplishment scale- a healthy one, not society's or my peers'.
I hope you have a good weekend.
healingjourney -
Sometimes I take a bath and that does help. I can't take naps during the day because of work and because things are too crazy here most days for me to have time for that.
Defining a value system sounds like a great idea! I hope that helps you, maybe I'll try it.
For me the suicidal thoughts are more because I can't handle the PTSD anymore than because I feel worthless. But yes I do need to remember I have worth outside of my family. That's the only thing that will keep me here.
Thanks so much for your encouragement, I hope you have a good weekend too :)
Today was, for lack of a better word, exhausting. I woke up out of nightmares into an anxiety attack (as usual), fought strong suicidal urges all day, and then had a very triggering evening with some stuff that happened at home. I had to see my F emotionally abuse my sister like he used to do to me. I figured out early on how to say and do the right things to avoid his abuse, but my sis gets herself trapped into it and then keeps fighting him verbally, which only makes it worse. I think part of the problem is that she is a lot like him. They are both narcs, and winning an argument is everything to them. I don't feel like I have to "fix" them anymore like I used to, but my struggle is just that it hurts so much to watch someone I love go through what I did, without using any of the coping strategies I figured out. I feel like I have to protect my sister because I love her so much. I remember how damaging it was for me to grow up in that environment without any support at all, so I support her as well as I can when she falls apart after his abuse, while trying to help her recognize what some of the red flags are in her own line of thinking, and while trying not to let it get to me too much. I'm really apprehensive about moving out again because I feel like my sister would simultaneously destroy herself and my M if I wasn't here to help her sort through things. But I also know it's going to literally kill me to stay here. :stars:
I feel like I have completely lost myself. The only time I feel valid or almost real is when I support others. I have no idea how to support myself. I'm not sure who I am anymore.
I still feel guilty about writing here when I'm this low because I don't want to sound completely hopeless or pessimistic. But venting really helps a lot.
just sending a :hug: to you, Alice97. and letting you know it's ok to write here when you are this low. i always feel guilty too, but it really is ok.
totally relate to the stuff you said too, by the way. it's part of the cptsd battle, 9which doesn't really help but i find it reassuring to remind myself of it when i am so full of pain and doubt). keep fighting, you're not alone. :hug:
Thanks arpy1 for reassuring me :hug:
I keep having a lot of frequent mini flashbacks to my childhood. A smell or person or phrase will trigger a short memory of things I had completely forgotten about. Sometimes I remember and then as soon as the flashback comes it's gone again, and other times I remember what it was I flashed back to. So that has been kind of weird. Since I wonder if I've blocked out or repressed a memory of some early childhood trauma(s), I'm curious if my brain is starting to let me remember some things. I'm not pushing it, if nothing happened I don't want to create a false memory. I'm just curious. I know I have a tendency to suppress (or repress or whatever the right word is) bad memories. There was a time when I was younger when we had kittens, and I accidentally killed one of them. It was a horrible experience, as I've always had a natural love for animals and am very protective of anything innocent (like children or pets or even insects when I was younger). I felt really guilty and sad about it, and for a few years that guilt haunted me. Then I for some reason completely blocked it out and didn't think about it or remember it until a couple of years ago. I've done the same thing periodically with memories of my dad's narcissistic emotional abuse. So I know I'm predisposed to repress things. The memories are still there, my brain just doesn't let me go there if I can't handle it. I guess that goes with being a Freeze type. So I'll just have to be patient and see I guess.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time removing yourself from your parents' home. I can totally relate to the desire to save someone. My sister used to abuse my mom emotionally and financially. I tried so hard to rescue my mom from it and it brought me such stress, stress-related health problems (7 years later), and stole so many moments from my 20s that I could have enjoyed life during. Today because I was so enmeshed with my family I am forced legally to be enmeshed with my sister in some ways, long story. In the group therapy I attend there's a saying that you have to learn to help yourself before you can help another person. As cold as that sounds perhaps you will be more helpful to your sister from afar. I wanted to run away from my family situation and become successful so I did it as soon as possible. What I didn't realize is that I would always feel anxiety regardless of my success.
I relate to what you say about the repression. It's amazing how triggered I can become. I think you are much more in tune to your trigger moments. I'm just starting to realize my dissociation. It's scary! Today when somebody told the group of us we might get a parking ticket I freaked out and was in my own mind unable to move or aware of my own body. If it wasn't for your shares about dissociation I wouldn't even notice I do it.
Thanks for your honesty and I hope your situation continues to become more hopeful!
Thank you healingjourney, it's nice to know someone else gets it :hug: And I'm so glad my posts on dissociation have helped you. I agree that it might be best for me to help my sister from a distance. It's just really hard for me to get over the guilt even though I know working towards moving out is best for everyone.
*TRIGGER WARNING*
I am so conflicted within myself right now. I've been doing way better in some ways, and a lot worse in others. I've been doing better in that I've been able to distance myself from my family's problems rather than trying to engage and fix them. Being around them is still triggering and painful but it doesn't consume me for days or weeks like it used to. I have been able to find joy in the midst of the pain. I don't feel like my FOO is weighing me down as much anymore. It still is, but not as extremely as it had been. I talked to my one good friend today (to whom I've vented about a lot of my family's problems), and she said she noticed that I haven't been as "doom and gloom" lately. Which was encouraging, but also a little confusing because I didn't realize I have appeared to be happier. I mean, I am happier in a sense because my FOO isn't getting to me as much. But I'm also worse...
My depersonalization/derealization has been awful. After thinking about it, I realized that when my dissociation is really bad, it becomes easier to put on a happy front -even to convince myself that I'm ok- because I am so out of touch with myself and others. Which is maybe why my friend thinks I'm happier. It is really freaking me out how distant and detached I feel. I literally don't feel like I'm here... I'm going through the motions of living, but I am separate from my body, even from my mind sometimes. It sounds weird but I've been this way for as long as I can remember (back to childhood) and it has gotten progressively worse. It's not just a phase I will snap out of. Anyways, in short, I'm better because my FOO isn't weighing me down as much, but I'm worse in a lot of other ways and I don't know why. It's a lot harder for me to grasp when my FOO isn't actually bothering me that much. But that's just the nature of PTSD I suppose. Anywho... sorry for my rambling...
My nightmares have still been horrible too. I've had a lot that were terrifying (some were flashbacks to my F's emotional abuse, others to pets I've lost in tragic ways, and the typical being chased/trapped). But I've also had a lot where I died.
And the anxiety... I cannot shake this sense that I'm not safe. I'm shaky and tremble a lot but I've figured out how to hide it. I've noticed that I'm always squeezing my hands and arms, or clenching my fists in an attempt to self-soothe.
I guess the most confusing part of all this is that I feel like to an extent I've let go of my FOO's hold on me. And I feel like I should be doing better mentally because of it. And I am in that I feel more free. But I'm still struggling so much.
My best and only friend is getting married in a few weeks and I'm in the wedding. I'm super excited for her but a little nervous about how the wedding will trigger me. I know I'll be extremely dissociated through the whole thing for many reasons. But I also know that is what will get me through it.
So yeah... I don't know what to make of all this and I feel like I'm a liar for not telling people who care about me about the PTSD stuff, but I also know they really wouldn't get it and it would hurt for them not to understand (even though they would pretend to). I feel guilty and like I'm keeping a dirty secret.
I'm trying to make reasonable goals for myself (like moving out). But even that is so hard. Necessary, but really difficult.
:fallingbricks: :spooked: :stars: :'( ??? :aaauuugh:
I actually had a pretty good day today. I'm about due for one lol. I didn't have very many triggers, no nightmares last night that I remember. Had the usual anxiety but no panic attacks. I pretty much locked myself up in my room all day to work on my blog and online business that I'm trying to get started, which is why I didn't have to deal with triggers. I'm still pretty dissociated but not in as much emotional pain today, so that's good. :)
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:cheer: :wave: :cheer: such a good feeling when we recognise the baby steps we are taking and the best way of doing that is journaling. Well done, it's an inspiration to others to share this.
:applause:
Thank you! :)
Well I had a good week last week, so that was nice. It's stupid though because when those occasional good days come I just want to forget I ever had PTSD and just be fine forever and normal. And then I crash again. I'm back to dissociated, suicidal, anxious, and having lots of nightmares, but I'm also learning better coping strategies and grounding techniques, so that has been good. I am having a particularly difficult night though, I'm so tired of fighting a war in my head all day and all night, and it's so tempting to quit... Even though I've distanced myself and am not as upset about my FOO being abusive (although they are still a pain to be around and triggering), I'm still having all these symptoms that won't go away no matter how far away I am from my FOO. I'm just trying to take this one day at a time and be grateful for the good days when they come.
I'm happy for your good days, Alice. Right on about one day at a time! Enjoy your good days, celebrate them, and try to not futurize one bad day or night. Our struggles, though they be many, may subside in one moment. And these moments are all we need to both take in pleasure and feel sanity. I'm finding the more good moments I take in the more addicted I am to feeling good and moments with good people around me and the more resistant to negative situations I am becoming. I wish more great days for you ahead!
Thank you, healingjourney, your support means a lot! :hug:
It's been awhile since I posted. I figured I should check in with myself again and see how I've been. I know that sounds weird but often I don't realize what progress or setbacks I've had until I write them out here.
So one thing I've noticed lately is that things that used to freak me out before my PTSD got this bad don't really get to me anymore. It's like my brain has gotten so used to pausing my emotions and going into survival mode that the things that I can get through just about anything as long as it isn't triggering. I also feel like I've been in so much pain lately that all the old worrisome stuff just seems trivial now, like it really can't compare to the pain of PTSD. So that's kind of a positive but it also kind of makes me sad to realize just how bad my pain has been.
I've also been trying to be at peace with the fact that my best friend won't be able to understand PTSD because she hasn't been there. I've told her about most of my symptoms without calling them PTSD, and she tries to encourage me but I know she doesn't really get it. I don't blame her at all - I'm almost glad in a way because one thing that bothers me the most is when people say they understand when they haven't been through it. I think PTSD is one of those things that you can't understand unless you have walked in those same shoes.
Even on days that aren't particularly triggering, I have this huge pain inside me. I'm not sure how to describe it other than it just really, really hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. Everything about PTSD is so different from other disorders. My anxiety isn't about stuff that probably won't happen. It did happen. My depression isn't a chemical imbalance, it's a legit sadness because every day is *. I can't wake up from my nightmares and leave them behind. They follow me throughout the day. And I can't convince myself that I'm safe enough to pull out of a dissociative state. And all of that together creates an anguish deep inside the soul that isn't easily soothed.
I know that some people with PTSD tend to act out a lot and get really angry. I do blow up sometimes but it doesn't last long. Most of the time I don't have the will to fight or get upset. It takes a lot to rile me. I guess that's part of being a freeze type.
In a couple days I'm going up to a cabin with some friends. I'm looking forward to getting away, but also nervous because I'm already in a dissociative state to prepare for it, and I don't want it to make me less fun for them to be around. It should be fine. But I also know how my brain takes over sometimes and won't let me relax. I'm also afraid that I will have more nightmares while I'm there. I tend to have more when I'm more dissociated. I'm not dwelling on those fears, just venting them. It will probably be fine. I have to convince my inner child of that somehow.
I'm actually doing really well at the moment. I spent the last couple of days at a lake with some friends which ended up going just fine, despite my worries over how I would handle triggers. It turns out there were very few, and I was able to cope and actually enjoy myself. Hooray for small improvements :)
:D :thumbup:
This week has been particularly bad week for nightmares - I've had them all night, every night. This morning I woke up with another flashback type dream where my F was verbally and emotionally abusing my sister and mom, and I tried to yell out to stop him, but then he turned on me and I just felt totally helpless and terrified - like I felt as a child when he would be abusive. My nightmares don't always affect my physically, but this morning I woke myself up because I was breathing so hard. So that was hard to shake off but I'm getting better at not dwelling on the dreams and just turning to music or writing or something else to get my mind off of them until my brain can calm down again.
Things are also getting to their worst stage in the cycle of abuse at home. I'm getting more and more anxious to move out. As many of you well know, there's always a cycle with Narcissistic/sociopathic abuse, and we are entering the stage where everything blows up. Unless a miracle occurs, things will probably explode this weekend because F will be home from work and we will all be in the same room throughout the weekend. I'm not as apprehensive as I've been in the past, partially because I don't feel guilty or responsible for my family anymore, but also because I'm just very detached and numb and dissociated.
I'm hopefully getting my driver's license in a couple of weeks (fingers crossed I'll pass the road test), after which I can get a job and develop a more serious plan to move out without causing a war on my way out (or at least less of a war).
So my plan for now is (a. survive the next couple of weeks (b. get driver's license (c. work on plan to move out (d. get a job that will be steady enough for me to afford to get my own place (e. stay alive for the next year so I can move out next summer at the latest.
I'm still alive! :cheer:
I'm doing better in some ways and worse in others. I've been dropping hints to my parents that I want to move out, and they haven't freaked out about it yet (the more prepared my family is for my departure the better they will handle it). I'm currently looking for a job so I can have enough income to be self-sustaining. I never realized how hard it is to find jobs that aren't too triggering. I'm currently looking into some online jobs, such as tutoring, data entry, and the like so that I can possibly not have to be around triggers too much.
That being said I'm still having a really hard time dealing with all the crap my Inner Child and PTSD brain are putting me through. :fallingbricks: I'm discovering new triggers all the time, which I guess is good in a way because I can deal with them more effectively when I realize I'm being triggered, but it's also discouraging because there are so many, and they are so hard to recover from. I'm still having nightmares almost every night. I'm not sure how to explain this but I almost feel like my nightmares and daydreams are merging together, like I almost can't tell which is which anymore. Does anyone know what I mean? I'm in such a dissociative state all the time that night and day just get pushed together. I still know what's real and what isn't but nothing actually feels real anymore. I can't connect to anyone or anything, like I'm sleepwalking.
A positive is that I've sort of accepted that this is where I am now instead of fighting it so much. I think that has helped me not to panic so much when the PTSD roller coaster hits rock bottom. I'm getting better at allowing myself to feel whatever I need to feel at the moment, then releasing it when I can.
One of my biggest challenges over the past couple of weeks has been realizing that most people can't understand how serious my symptoms are, or that they are actually life threatening. I've reached out to a friend a little for help, just to sort of test the waters to see how she would react if I talked about some things (like nightmares). She has tried to be supportive, but she is also busy planning her wedding (which I'm going to be in, it's this weekend :spooked:) I've come to realize that she really can't understand because she hasn't been where I am. She can sympathize, yes. But really, truly, understand, no. It hurts to know that I'm probably not going to find someone who can walk through this with me every step of the way. When people find out you have terminal cancer, they take it very seriously. Mental illness has such a stigma with it and people don't understand or talk about the "scarier" disorders (like DID and PTSD). So I'm still trying to come to terms with the emptiness and pain I feel and trying to figure out where the best place to reach out for help would be, if that makes any sense at all. :Idunno:
I feel like I need an overdose of love and caring, decent people in my life for like a hundred years to make up for the last 19 years of my life, but that isn't going to happen. I don't want to burden anyone, but I don't want to isolate myself either. Which is why I should probably look more seriously into trying to find a good therapist, but I can't do that until I've moved out. So I'm just trying to hang on and hope it will get better.
I found this quote on Pinterest the other day that really resonated with me:
"Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I'm not sure which is worse - drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst."
Just stopping by to congratulate you on your continued perseverance. I hope with good choices you begin to feel more empowered in your life. It's pretty awesome you've opened up to your parents about moving out and are envisioning your plan. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. And the same goes with plans.
Aw I really relate to a lot of what you're saying.
Also, that quote is great, saving it.
Well done for keeping on keeping on. It's great to hear you're moving forward and you're gonna get out of the house :) I hope you find a good therapist and wish you all the best in the future :hug:
Thank you so much samantha19, I really appreciate your support :hug: :hug:
I had kind of a rotten weekend. I called a suicide hotline Saturday night because I was struggling with some thoughts, and they ended up sending a police officer to my home (which freaked out my parents and shook me up pretty good). I had no idea they would do that, but looking back I guess it makes sense. I lied and said I wasn't the one who called, and my parents and the officer (thankfully) believed me. The cop said it must have been a spoof. He didn't make a big deal out of it and left. But it is taking me forever to get over it, and I'm not sure why. Part of me feels guilty for lying (I'm one of those weirdos who is allergic to lying), but I also think my confidence and trust in people was shaken up pretty bad and the whole situation sent me into an extremely dissociated state, worse than ever before. I know I will get over it eventually, and I'm really looking forward to moving out of my FOO's house, which I think is helping a lot. But I still feel really shaky and guilty and just sick inside.
I'm so tired and confused. . .
My brain hurts. My chest feels heavy. I've felt like I'm on the verge of tears all day. And the stupid thing is that I should be fine because F hasn't been very abusive or angry this week, which makes M happy and the house more peaceful. But honestly it just makes me mad because it seems so superficial and manipulative. Last time he did this he said he was trying to be nice to see if it would make M change into the idealistic wife he expects her to be. She keeps saying when he goes nice (I don't know if it's hoovering or if he really is trying) that he's doing better... But honestly I don't see the change she does. More than that though I am so worn out. My soul feels like it's been through a war for 10+ years without any support and now it's catching up with me. The dissociation has been especially bad this week (the kind where you barely recognize people you know). It seems like I'm always in pain no matter what my circumstances are like. And I feel guilty for that. I feel like I should be able to snap out of it. But I can't. I can have good days, and it's looking like I'll be able to move out soon, but my mind is forever scarred.
Plus I've been having more issues that I think may go back to my possibly being molested at a young age.
I feel so empty, guilty, dirty, and like I need an overdose of love that no one can give.
The nightmares seem like they are crossing over into daily life, it's getting harder to shake them off.
:fallingbricks: :'( :'( :pissed: :aaauuugh: :spooked:
Hang in there, you got this! We're here to listen :D