Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Blueberry]

It sounds rather lame to say I literally don't know what to do with teenage NK, but the fact remains I don't so I have to feel my way here.

Not lame at all! That's what it felt like for me too when my Inner Teens (actually incl. an 11 yo) started showing up. I had NO idea what to do or say, no idea except re-surfacing memories of my own past which were clearly not useful or viable. Plus my Inner Children were frightened of the Inner Teens.

One thing that helped me was reading books on parenting daughters successfully from pre-teens upward, especially pre-teens because that sets the course. It's not that I then was able to talk my Inner Teens through much I don't think, but in my own mind things started to shift a bit. Those inner voices from FOO became less virulent as I was able to slowly take other ideas on board.

My initial idea on how to lighten the load of teenage NK was to ask her to step back and let me prove myself capable. T pointed out that was just pushing her out of the way.

  It took me a lot of trial and error (and reading) to get better at communicating with my Inner Teens. Sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes from somebody who's still on that road...

[Desert Flower]

Hi NK, just a little note here to let you know I'm reading this too.
And although it may feel very uncomfortable I think you are actually making great progress. So well done you. 

As for communicating with the teen, looking at it from my perspective, I don't know if that's the case for you, but it reminds me of the way my mother dealt with me at that age and that is simply not dealing with anything that was going on, just ignoring the whole situation. The teen was just totally on her own. So to re-connect with this teen would take patience I think. And take it really easy with the teen. Maybe initially only letting her know you're here and waiting. Please ignore if it's not helpful.

 

[dollyvee]

Hi NK,

Underneath all the questioning, it seems like you have made big steps in recognizing what is happening, congrats! 

I don't know how to define dissociation for myself, like a veil I've been living under and you don't know is there? I guess there are times when that veil pops up and I kind of go, huh, and then I it pops down again, and I truck along doing the things I need to do. It popped up this week after I recognized with t, or spoke to t about, how dealing with someone's unpredictability (who had been out drinking and then came to play severely hung over, and I felt familiar with that frame of mind that they were in), and how I had been in that position growing up. I felt tense talking about it, but the "feelings" weren't there (and here they are now as I remember what it was like to deal with m when she was in that post-party state). I just knew, or could recognize that I was uncomfortable.

I don't know if it's because t has been giving more space to my internal world and validation through NARM, but I feel/think over the last year, I have been able to give more space to recognizing those feelings as they come up. I don't have to "solve" them, and they are not a problem to go away, it's something that I am now "allowed" to have where before, I was never "allowed" that. I feel like intellectually, I had also heard and "knew" this, but something about the process has  changed. For me, perhaps it's like the Jay Reid video where he describes having to remove your awareness of yourself and put in place something else, and these veil lift moments I think are perhaps the Self coming back. Maybe ask teenage NK what she could do whatever she wanted, what would she do? Maybe this bolshy-ness is coming up because that's what you need (IMO and not in a self-destructive way)? When I feel like I'm acting with more life force, standing up to people in tennis etc, t doesn't reprimand my behaviour even though I think I'm doing something bad or wrong (because people are upset with me), but instead, I'm doing something for myself.

Sending you support 
dolly

[SenseOrgan]

I admire you for bringing up anger towards your T in this context. It would be a huge thing for me. My gut tells me to cheer for teenage NK, who set a boundary. Despite the anxiety I imagine this must have created. No more plates! It's legit to want that.

However well meant and therapeutically responsible your T's question was in that moment, it was the opposite of what teenage NK needed, wasn't it? For you, it created pressure to focus on what your T may want to hear, away from your own center. But you chose team you. Over shaping yourself into what could be expected/desired by your T. I think it's brave to seize the opportunity your T's misattunement presented like you did.

From my own experiences with T's and others "adding" plates to spin, I see a pattern of feeling pressured to come up with a solution or accept a suggested one. A part of me experiences that as not being allowed to be with the difficulty, which in your case is not knowing what to do with the teenage NK. Sometimes the rush to find an answer smothers the need to have somebody there with you in not knowing what to do or finding something very difficult or challenging to deal with. That needs space and validation too. Because it's your experience in that moment, and perhaps you've been alone with that for a long time.

Also, when an attachment wound is triggered by a T, the client's experience shifts to it instantly. This dramatically alters the level of interpersonal safety right there and then. This has to be discussed in order for the session not to morph into yet another situation to be survived. Going through ruptures like this and experiencing that the bond can be restored afterwards is therapeutic gold. This is the difficult area where a therapeutic setting can be even too safe at some point. I think you did very well. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, NK, i have to admit that when you wrote you didn't know what to do w/ teen NK, i kind of chuckled inside.  who DOES know how to deal w/ a teen?  i know there are books out there, and they might be very helpful.  on the other hand, teen years are all about pushing boundaries, rebelling against themselves and all the changes their bodies are going thru, and fighting authority to figure out where their place is in the world as a future adult.  it's a rough time for everyone involved.

i agree, patience and more patience.  having survived 2 teen daughters, all i can say is be consistent, for one, and let teen NK know you'll be with her, will back her up, will not let go of her no matter how tough the going is, but also to let her know that you are an adult now and can help her get to adulthood, too, by slow and sure means.  not pushing her aside, but standing at her side while she transitions and can see that you are managing your life as an adult.  she doesn't have to carry that burden anymore.

just some thoughts.  if they're not helpful, please ignore.  and keep taking care of you.  i have no doubt you'll get thru this.  love and hugs