Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, everyone.

I don't feel bad about needing to continue therapy as such. I can afford it and I know it is helping me a lot. So that's fine. It's more that I honestly thought I would be OK with less frequency but even the suggestion of it has coincided with adverse reactions. Oh well. When I look back, I realise that I have actually cut frequency. Before, when T or I had to go on holiday I would schedule a catch up session. Or she would let me raise issues by email if we couldn't do normal zoom. If there was an unexpected change because she was ill I would take it badly. All those things I can now take in my stride and I don't bother with catch up sessions any more. So, there's progress I had not actually recognised until just now.

But wow, I am on a very short fuse emotionally right now. And out of nowhere, too, which sucks extra.

Like today. All was fine. Really good, actually. Felt calm and happy. And then my husband mislaid the car keys. Which also have our house keys attached. He often does this. I have suggested an air tag many times. But no.

Logic dictated that they were in the house or garage. His occasional habit of leaving them actually in our door lock, on full public display and ready to be stolen, was enough to make me worry more. We have cameras and it is very unlikely I would have missed someone stealing our keys. But still.

So he just sat in our summer house reading his iPad while I finished my laundry and then went on a search. I found them fast, which did not help. He had put them in a garage cupboard where they do not live and should not be. But if he had only bothered to open the garage cupboards he would have seen them and saved all the aggro.

Oddly, it was my finding them that sent me over the edge. I gave them to him, told him where they had been and stormed off into the house to have a full on tantrum in private. I mean a toddler tantrum here. Shouting. Jumping up and down. Dissolving into a crying fit. It was totally epic and what anyone would have thought had they seen a middle aged woman doing this I have no idea.

Anyway, it got the worst out of my system, such that I was capable of going out for coffee as we usually do. On the way I did not suggest he get an air tag, I flat out demanded it. And he said he would and when he had been reading his iPad he had in fact been researching such things. And he apologised for losing the keys. Which of course was not really the problem, but his behaviour around it. Anyway I need to process all of that before I consider how to approach it with him.

So coffee was OK but kind of stilted. And we drove home. I was just about to get out of the car when he said "Do you forgive me?". All I could do was squeak "yes" and hotfoot it out of that car.

He was not to know, but the one and only time my mother asked me that question was when I was 7, in the car, after she had totally unfairly raged at me. And I hadn't forgiven her yet and was stupid enough to say so. To be asked that self same question, when I am already fragile, IN A CAR was just the end. Slap bang back into the EF. So the rest of today is being spent trying to calm myself before we have to go out for a meal with friends tonight which will be nice but also stressful for various reasons, and then have several medical appointments tomorrow which will not be nice in the slightest.

Ugh. And plenty to chat about in therapy this week. Again. 

[sanmagic7]

yeah, it sounds like a lot    NK.  dang. i do hope he gets an air tag (i just looked it up, sounds like it would be perfect for this situation).  seems like you've been living w/in no sense of safety, which, in my mind, completely warrants that 'tantrum' - a lot of feelings associated w/ feeling unsafe. EF sounds just about right for the situation as well.  and then you had to be the responsible one, do a search and find the keys in order to restore a sense of safety, take care of it all yourself.  there's a lot there to process.

i do hope he gets one and it eases this problem.

and, congratulations on your therapy progress.  the fact that you can now manage some things you weren't able to before is wonderful.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

[Chart]

Hey NK, it's been awhile but I'm slowly catching up. Was touched by your recent "ramblings" Sounds like a lot of processing is going on. Just curious, are you also dreaming a lot at the moment? I also want to say that I think your technique for venting all that frustration and stress is excellent. Well done. You're recognizing all these little elements for what they really are. Your hubby is clearly another personality type altogether but then therein is probably the connection.
 

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, San and Chart. 

Actually, I can report that my husband did get an air tag for the keys. So I am happy about that.

I've done recent updates about FOO madness in the more private member journal section. I was actually going to go there to update but landed up here. Maybe it's a sign! Anyway, it's not particularly private if I don't put detail.

It's just that my mother has got herself into a very tiresome legal situation totally of her own making. It will likely involve a small financial hit, but FOO can easily afford it. It will however involve some rather annoying paperwork and the transaction she wants to undertake will take far longer than she hopes.

And I'm afraid that I find it all rather amusing. She has for several years gone on about the asset she now wants to sell. All her arrangements concerning it had significant down sides but she would not hear of them. She knew best. I cannot say "I told you so" because I knew better than to tell her so. It has nothing to do with me. I did occasionally say "oh really?" in a very surprised tone, or ask her further questions in case they prompted her to think it through but that is as far as I am ever prepared to go with her. She can't blame my father, which is her usual go to, because everything is in her name and has been her decision.

I guess it is really mean of me to find it amusing rather than feel sorry for her. Oh well. I expect she'll find some way of complaining that the family didn't warn her.

[Chart]

NK, I don't think you're being mean. I often have similar feelings. For me, this is my inner child (one of them) who reacts differently than adult-me. Since my foo "created" this inner child, I recognize that it's somewhat natural that I often feel and react as that child would. This is part of my traumatized self that has remained four-years-old. I'm especially reactive when it's my actual foo, or more recently it's the relationship where the dynamic was a mirror of that trauma dynamic.

Realizing where my negative feelings are coming from has allowed me to understand the (adult-me) guilt that comes with that happy feeling at someone else's failure. I can work it through and understand that the ic in me is activated... and for a very good reason. I can then have a discussion between ic and adult-me and work to find a healing compromise. Slowly, my anger and negative emotions towards these people lessens with the understanding that allows me to process what's actually at the root: how I myself was abused by this person and persons similar. Ultimately that's what's at the root of it all and I'm only doing myself good by healing all that... thus I can move on to living my life and not rejoicing in watching other people f-up... (but there is a certain gratification that goes a long way in validating me I can't deny it. But again, ultimately, I want to validate myself, by myself, in a healthy and positive manner. (And though I recognize all that, I don't always react immediately as I "should". :-)
I believe we grow up our whole lives.
Kisses and hugs!
 

[sanmagic7]

NK, i, too, know that little inner feeling of satisfaction (of sorts) when someone who has hurt me ends up hurting.  i don't believe i WANT anyone to hurt, and from 'knowing' you, i don't believe you do, either, not in a real way.  but sometimes . . . especially with things like this. 

and it's possible that she'll turn this around, blame others for not saying something to her, even if they had done so at the time she would've made it the wrong move somehow.  we don't come out on top of any of these situations, which i've also had a hard time accepting.  i guess that little 'satisfaction' thing comes pre-loaded into that realization.

she'll get thru it.  i just hope you don't get caught up in her web.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I could imagine finding that kind of situation amusing, NK. It might be mean if your M was the type to ask your advice and act on it, which she isn't, and you didn't warn her - but that's not what happened.

Humour is important.

[Chart]

I think 'irony' sums it up best. When we witness someone's behavior rebound back in their own face and entirely due to their own actions... well it's perfectly normal to recognize the justice of the circumstances. The little chuckle is a dollop of whipped cream-awareness.

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, everyone. She has now got my father to try to dig her out of the hole and he has contacted me and my sister for ideas, all on the FOO central chat so everyone can be seen to be doing what they are supposed to. Sister has been scrabbling around trying to be as helpful as possible and giving advice on the legal paperwork and possible pitfalls (she is not a lawyer). I have pointed out ways in which they could buy themselves out of the situation if they so desire. I knew that would not go down well. Buying themselves out of the situation would not only mean them paying money to someone they consider inferior, and now also a nuisance, but also would show him they have made a bungle. (In reality everyone can plainly see they have made a bungle but in their world if they don't acknowledge this it will not be true.) The approach I suggested that could be made to work for them, and which would likely cost them less money in the long term, has been glossed over on the family chat. They are carefully missing the point. I've been annoying enough by making it and I'm not going to make it again. They will just have to seethe for a year until the contract they are tied into expires and hope the asset value remains buoyant.

[sanmagic7]

it's been interesting to me in my own life, NK, just how easily it is now to see things for what they really are, knowing what's behind words and actions.  those people have made themselves transparent through their history, and now it's quite simple to read their book.  i hope you don't find yourself getting caught up in their web, altho i like your attitude about once being enough.  sounds like it's a 'her' problem, or even a 'their' problem, but it's definitely not a 'your' problem.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Hey NK, it all sounds very relatable, having these tantrums, me too.
And my husband did give the kids an air tag for their bags but he didn't get one for his keys yet and he is always misplacing his stuff (all of them are actually). And then they ask me to find it and it can totally flip me too. I even once found a pair of socks in the micro-wave, I kid you not.

And I do too like the irony of your mother's affairs and I do not dissaprove of your feelings about that either. I think of it as karma, cause and effect. Your mother's behaviour is causing both her own troubles and how the little NK is feeling about them.

'Carefully missing the point'. I like how you put that. It's like you can't get a waiter to see you until they wanna see you.

Take care dear NK. 

[NarcKiddo]

I've been struggling a bit lately. My T's suggestion we cut frequency of therapy may have been a very canny move on her part because it has jolted me into going quite a bit deeper in our sessions. That's been hard, but beneficial, and resulted in my making a big breakthrough in actually telling my husband a bit about my dissociation, which happens all over the place but particularly in the car. I wrote about it in the private journal section.

However, it just keeps being hard and throwing up more to deal with.

When I was reporting the breakthrough to T after a bit of a break due to holiday I was feeling a bit anti-climactic. Like I'd done this REALLY big thing and it should have magically solved all my problems (hello, inner children!) but it hadn't. And then I actually dissociated in the session, which I've written about in the avoidance section of the forum. I'm sure I've done that before, too, but on this occasion I could see it happening and told my T but teenage NK (for I am now pretty sure she is responsible for my dissociation) finished the job and I found I could not remember quite a chunk of the session despite journaling it immediately after finishing it.

Then there has been another slight therapy gap due to holiday and I had another session yesterday. In the meantime I have decided to find out more about dissociation and bought a book called The Haunted Self. It is an academic book aimed at therapists and not an easy read because it is so full of citations that it can be hard to follow the train of the text. However it is a sound, and very interesting book. But teenage NK objects to my reading it. Every time I try I find myself feeling really sleepy or I have an urgent need for chocolate. She has tried to engage little NK in the fight against this book, too, but I found that sitting with a cuddly toy while reading it calmed little NK so she is not making waves any more.

I was talking this over with T yesterday. It feels like teenage NK is scared of the book. She thinks I want to stop dissociating (I do!) and she will then lose her power. More than that - I think she fears I am trying to annihilate her. And then who will look after little NK? So T and I have a lot of work to do around teenage NK, it seems. At least we have identified this issue, which is good. But one of teenage NK's feelings is that she was constantly having to keep plates spinning to satisfy FOO, and teachers, and bosses and whoever else. And she still has to keep all these plates spinning. T suggested that we might work on getting her to realise that she does not have to do this any more, and that she can put the plates down. Slowly, of course, one at a time. All these plates are not her responsibility and never should have been. Well, teenage NK did not like that at all. Where will she put the plates? What will happen to the plates? They might break. It became apparent that she does realise she cannot spin every plate in the world, but when she becomes overwhelmed and knows a plate is out of her control she fears the end of the world and we get a freeze response. The idea of simply putting the plates down was totally incomprehensible to her!

And I have no idea what to do with teenage NK. I've already expressed surprise in the past to T when teenage NK showed up. I'd only just got to grips with having a "nice" little NK to take into account and then this "bolshy" teen NK appeared. Yes, I used those terms out loud to my T. Yes it was mean. There is no reason for teenage NK to like me right now. She doesn't trust me and right now I have no idea how to go about rectifying that.

My T is very hands off in terms of telling me what to do. I know that is the right approach, especially since I have spent my whole life allowing myself to be told what to do/feel etc. But all I (or at least the inner children) want T to do is tell us what to do and then pat us on the head and give us a gold star for doing it so well. But she loves hearing me and then saying "what might be a way of dealing with that?". And then I flail around trying to be a model client and come up with the right answer. Only yesterday I didn't. Teenage NK was very much around, since we were discussing her, and she flat out told T she is angry at being asked to suggest the right answers because that just adds more plates for her to spin. This is no doubt progress in terms of expressing vulnerability, but it felt very uncomfortable. To say the least.

 

[sanmagic7]

i can only imagine how uncomfortable that might've felt, NK, but honestly, what a lot of good, hard work you have done!  the fact that you allowed yourself to go deeper into all this is a sign, to me, that you are trusting yourself more than in the past to be able to manage whatever comes up, including younger NK's.  and i agree - teen NK had to keep those plates spinning when it wasn't their job, and now adult NK wants to take over but teen NK is balking at that.  maybe a trust issue?  just a thought.

keep going!  i think you're doing a great job.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Teenage NK was very much around, since we were discussing her, and she flat out told T she is angry at being asked to suggest the right answers because that just adds more plates for her to spin. This is no doubt progress in terms of expressing vulnerability, but it felt very uncomfortable. To say the least.

I hear you. I have found in the past that sometimes just waiting a bit will bring about a change. So something may evolve a little in/with/for a Part and then things will feel less uncomfortable.

Recently with various Parts I've also found they either needed me to say "i hear you" or to acknowledge the feelings they'd been holding. Probably you know that all already, NK.   

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, San and Blueberry.

For sure there are trust issues, there, San. As I explained to my T, I have absolutely NO role models of how a mother might deal compassionately with a teenager. I have for little NK because my grandmother was kind and caring to me at that age and I spent decent amounts of time in her company. It sounds rather lame to say I literally don't know what to do with teenage NK, but the fact remains I don't so I have to feel my way here. My initial idea on how to lighten the load of teenage NK was to ask her to step back and let me prove myself capable. T pointed out that was just pushing her out of the way.

Probably you know that all already, NK. 

As the above illustrates, I think, I actually don't know all that already. Or even any of it. Some of it I know intellectually, but certainly not emotionally, so what you posted is really helpful. Thank you, Blueberry.