Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Mathilde]

NK i absolutely love your drawing.

And I think you handled all this in a loving and mature way. Even if their responses were underwhelming. That's not in your control. You acted fine. Good that you could see little NK through it well.

Phoebes, sorry you too did not get the responses you would have loved. I'm sure you card was lovely too.

[Hope67]

Wow NarcKiddo, Your painting is really good.  Excellent that you were able to sell it, and it's lovely that you're having positive responses to your Christmas card too.  You are talented.  I remember when you posted your painting of the aeroplanes with the trail dust colours - that was also a great painting.  I really liked it.

[Armee]

Oh no I missed that one. I must go back and find the plane one!

[Chart]

Wow, love the Corvid!!! Family doesn't change, eh... Sorry to hear about the absence of validation. Seems you know the story well now. We get better and better at moving on. 

[Desert Flower]

I love him too! To me, He's like this fierce protector. Like a tough guardian angel. Stunning.

[NarcKiddo]

My Corvid story is going sour.

The art teacher said I should keep him until we have had a chance to talk about making prints, as suggested by her. Then we had the Christmas break. He was supposed to be her Christmas present to herself.

At the first lesson back in January she spoke to me about it first thing and said we should make a date to discuss. So I messaged her and we set a time. She was going to come to my house. I had started to feel a bit wary because this is a woman who has NEVER turned up to any class social activities even when she has said she will or has organised them herself. One girl had a birthday tea party at her home and the teacher simply did not turn up! No apology.

So on the appointed day I was not surprised to receive a message an hour beforehand saying something had come up and she could not make it. It was annoying because I had missed a gym session for it and she did not message me until just after my husband had left, so I could not tag along with him.

The lesson after that she again said I should message her to make a date.

What she did not know was that I am stopping her classes. Probably not for good but the last lesson of this block is tomorrow. The next block of 8 contains two classes I refuse to attend because of the fumes of the materials involved, 1 with new materials I am not prepared to purchase as I have no interest and 3 I know I don't much enjoy. So that leaves 2 I am actively interested in. I had been thinking about not doing that block anyway and this Corvid saga has swayed my decision. It nearly went the other way because I feared I was having a CPTSD cut and run reaction, but I have sound reasons for my decision. Since then I have discovered another art class I am going to try, so I may not actually go back to the current teacher for quite a while as the new course lasts until July.

So I messaged her as she requested to ask for dates she is free, but also to tell her I am missing out the next block of classes. So I said tomorrow is the last day I can conveniently bring Corvid to class and that I am not particularly bothered about making prints of him, although I would like to meet at some point and discuss the process in case I want to do so in future. Essentially I was inviting her to put her money where her mouth is.

So far there has been total radio silence. She appears not to have read my message, but who knows? If I do not hear from her I will not be taking Corvid to class and if she wants him it will be down to her to contact me and arrange her purchase.

As it happens, there is a local art sale in a few months time and since I have already entertained the possibility of selling I might frame him and put him up for sale there, along with a couple of other bits. The sale happens to be in the village where she lives so she could always buy him there, although he will cost more.

I don't really know what I think of all this yet so am just putting it all down here.

[Armee]

She sounds quite flaky! For whatever reason, not really having the money or having her own internal struggles but it sounds like she is not the home for your first sold painting! I hope corvid finds a wonderful owner at the art sale. Your decision to switch art classes does not sound at all like a function of cptsd but of listening to yourself and what you really want for your growth in art. Great job! It sounds like the right decision to me!

[Chart]

 
NarcKiddo, You're situation makes me think (once again) just how "sensitive" and "aware" and "second guessing" Cptsd often makes us. When I think it through and rationalize it it seems pretty extreme. Living in France for so long, one of the things that I find still fascinating, is the often "insensitive" standard-don't-care attitude of many French people. (The famous Parisien waiter who never comes over to your table to take your order, stereotypes like that...) Anyway, I think you are dealing with the situation extremely well. People who don't respond, show proper respect in communication and honoring appointments, need to be handled appropriately, kinda like inappropriate behavior in children... But you seem to be dealing with the situation splendidly (imo :-)
 

[NarcKiddo]

Gosh. I knew it had been a while since I posted here but had not realised quite how long.

The art teacher never bought my picture and I have been going to the new classes, which are nice enough. I am still in touch with the old class members on our WhatsApp group so I participate in social activities with them sometimes. Not sure if I will go back to the old classes again. The new classes are due to end forever this summer so if I want a class I will have to go back to the old teacher.

However, I have since found a very good substitute for classes. An artist (who does online teaching and I have tried some of his free offerings, though his paid classes are way out of my budget) has set up an online club with 24/7 zoom access. There are some planned sessions where a leader will make sure anyone who has questions or wants to speak can get a chance. But essentially it is just a virtual studio where you can log in while doing your own art, and just chat to whoever is there about art, or anything, really. I have been hanging around there quite a bit even though I have actually been unable to do much in the way of art because we are having renovations and I have had to pack most of my art stuff away. So it's been nice to keep in touch with the art and maybe learn a few new things even though I can't actually do it.

I seem to be making good progress right now. My therapist has said that she thinks I am ready to reduce the frequency of sessions, if I feel comfortable to do so. I agree with her but don't want to do that quite yet because my mother is having a big party next month which is likely to be very trying.  So I'll get through the party and then see how I feel.

My therapist has pointed out that I am finding a lot of the answers to problems by myself and then reporting back to her, rather than working things through with her. Hence why I may not need her input so often. That is true, but it's early days. And although sessions sometimes feel like me being a kid reporting all these good things in the hopes of a star on my chart, actually that is not how it is. Sometimes I will have the "right" reaction in the moment, which is great when it happens, but it is not until afterwards that I realise I did. And then talking it over with my T, and cementing why it was a good way of dealing with the situation, is helpful. My T is in no way pushing me away, so I feel comfortable as we are. But I am glad she mentioned the subject because I had been feeling that way, too, but had not yet got the stage of mentioning it myself. Possibly I feared her saying "oh, no, you're nowhere near that stage yet" and then I would have felt very silly. Although she never would phrase something in that way, anyway. It's amazing, sometimes, what little NK fears, even though adult NK knows it will never happen.

[Chart]

It's amazing, sometimes, what little NK fears, even though adult NK knows it will never happen.

Isn't it just how that always seems to work?
 

[sanmagic7]

hi, NK, seems like it's been a while. 

sounds like you are doing quite well both with your art and your recovery.  the idea of being able to talk things over w/ your T after the fact sounds like a wonderful step forward, and i'm glad your T brought it up.  i remember it happening similarly with me at times, but it took a while for me to feel ready to move to the next step of not seeing my T so often.  (actually, i never really got there cuz i suddenly had to move!). i'm glad you're going at your own pace.  and i agree, our littles often continue to rule the roost, but even being able to recognize that seems like a big step forward.

keep up the good work, and sounds like your art is really moving along.  i'm very happy for you!  love and hugs