Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

StartingHealing · August 30, 2025, 02:01:16 AM

Quote from: natureluvr on August 28, 2025, 11:09:08 PM
Quote from: StartingHealing on August 25, 2025, 05:33:35 PMHow comfortable am I with the concept that I have 0 input at all in whether or not other people cast me in the villain role in the story that they are telling themselves about themselves?

This speaks to me, a lot. I can truly relate to this. The injustice of it is mind boggling to me.

Hi naturelovr. It can be a mind job for sure. What helps me is that I fall back onto the 3 C's. I didn't cause it. I cannot control it. I cannot cure it.

That to me means that other person is responsible for the story that they tell to themselves about the other people, places, things, events, and themselves to themselves. Always the victim no matter if they caused the situation to begin with.

How do I bear any responsibility as long as I'm not acting like an a--hat? Not being rude or short. Acting in ways that show consideration to others. And yet, I'm sure that you have ran across people that are the professional victim. Or people that are being complete and total jerks and when someone calls them out for their fecal matter behavior they DARVO to maintain their sense of somehow being superior.

No lie it took me a while to make the leap from applying the 3 C's generally speaking rather than specifically to BPDs. (or other such disturbed individuals) As a result I've found myself more at ease and confident when interacting with others in my daily life. Which surprisingly has moved most interactions into the positive. The occasional interaction that isn't doesn't get me down because I know how I conducted myself.

It's very freeing actually.

StartingHealing · August 31, 2025, 12:21:22 AM

08-30-2025

this may be a rambling entry, or it could be something that has some nuggets in it. I don't know.

I'm frustrated with the lack of progress I made today on changing a timing belt on my new to me car. I've got plenty of experience in changing timing belts / chains, from the little 50cc motorcycles up to monster V8 car engines. 5 hours in of actual working time and I'm still not to the point of where I can change the belt yet. Visually looking at it, oh it needs it something bad.

I shut it down because { surprise } the BP meds I'm on decimated my heat tolerance. I worked till I got shaky, had food, cooled off in the AC of the residence, went back to it and I was at the point of being stupid. (sign that even with the water I was drinking it wasn't enough to keep me hydrated with the amount of sweat that was being produced ) Had a fan going for air flow and shade even.

I finally called it and after cooling back down went to pick up tools / parts / etc. Good thing I have a long weekend to do this in.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have to look at the noise ordinance because I will have to use some air tools which require a compressor which is loud. Seems like I can go hot @ 6AM.

I'll dig out the tools etc before hand and get everything prepped so when it hits 6:05AM I can fire up the air compressor.

I'm debating on ordering pizza for dinner or not.

Sigh. Need to go shower and start attempting to wind down do I can get my sleep in to be fresh for tomorrow.

Wishing all here all the best

Hope67 · August 31, 2025, 09:54:43 AM

I reckon you'll get on well with that task tomorrow, as you sound very prepared with what you need and hopefully that will help a lot.

Whatever you have for dinner tonight, I hope you enjoy it

Hope

StartingHealing · August 31, 2025, 08:21:36 PM

Quote from: Hope67 on August 31, 2025, 09:54:43 AMI reckon you'll get on well with that task tomorrow, as you sound very prepared with what you need and hopefully that will help a lot.

Whatever you have for dinner tonight, I hope you enjoy it

Hope

Hi Hope.
The harmonic balancer bolt has me stymied. I'm in the AC attempting to re-hydrate myself. My 1/2 inch air impact gun won't break it free. It's been used over the years so I'm sure it doesn't have the reverse torque it once had. Even so it should still have 500 or better foot pounds of torque. I've heated the bolt with a plumbers torch, soaked it in penetrating oil, heated it back up, flash cooled it with ice from hot, soaked it again with penetrating fluid, went and did other things on the vehicle, heated the bolt again ..

I called a semi-retired mechanic I know and he's going to get back to me sometime this afternoon. I have a couple of franklins on me and a few more I can get via debit card I'm starting to think that I am going to have him pull the harmonic balancer, replace the timing belt and water pump and install the balancer. With my heat tolerance being what it is, and Tuesday I need to return to work, and it was my only running vehicle at the moment. Yeah. I could do the paid time off thing on Tues if needed. Ugh.

And then there is the issue of possibly needing parts. There is a parts store fairly close by car. Walking would be .. nah.

Time to get another 128 oz of water down my neck.

Wishing you all the best

Hope67 · September 01, 2025, 01:33:51 PM

Oh no, I hope that the mechanic you know will be able to help. Finger's crossed for a good outcome for you!

StartingHealing · September 02, 2025, 09:57:16 PM

Hi Hope.
The tip worked well. Got everything done and am driving the car. Interesting effect I noticed on myself is my mood is really good. Being able to tackle a complex task and complete it.. Is nice you know?

Work.. the pace that I was going yesterday, compared to the slow as a snail pace at work is jarring to me at the moment.

Not to mention the paperpushing BS, work from wherever and so have no clue on what is actually going on.

I'm torn. One the one hand, having the site shutting down is a bummer because of not just the job loss for me, but also for the other good folks that will also lose theirs. On the other hand, not having to deal with certain 'personalities' will be a wonderful release.

Gotta go. Break over. Need to find something to do. Yeesh

Wishing all here, all the best

StartingHealing · September 04, 2025, 06:29:52 PM

09-04-2025

Shorty today. Car is still running well. Is throwing a code for the fuel vapor purge. I need to change all the rubber hoses. Considering that I'm pretty sure that they are 20+ years old .. yeah.

BP was really good this AM 123/82 which for my level of experience is really good. chuckle

Have a busy day tomorrow. Follow up appt with the PCP and then a meeting with another paper pusher to see if I "qualify" for a sliding fee program at 1 of the 2 hospitals that I ended up at last month.

I also need to call the first hospital to see if they have something like that as well.

Kinda nuts since I'm still paying for the so called "legal services" from back when I got single again.

Not to mention credit cards that I've had to use to span some gaps. No lie I'm making decent wages but .. by the time I get anything I can use, 36% has been taken off the top. There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.

Wishing all the best to all here.