Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

08-13-2025

Numbers are in the "normal" ballpark which is good.  I know that I need to do more on my end and move / lift / exercise the old war horse more than I have been.  I may not get to the level of where I was as a young buck on the farm but I believe I have a huge upside in getting back into more country boy shape.  Add in my near mutant level healing ability and I'd say my odds are pretty good.  Good enough that I'm going to go for it. 

Did some EFT this morning on forgiving myself.  Realized that all the other times that it hadn't really stuck.  Also EFT on releasing any and all sense of responsibility for the former spouse.  The mind F from a BPD+ .. yeesh.  Hindsight is always 20/20 you know?  I see where I got suckered and also where the mind job really sank it's hooks in.  I accept that I'm not totally blameless in all of it.  However at the same time I'm not the major player in all of it either.  The aspect that still gives me pause is how other pwBPD, in other locations, and differing ages, backgrounds, genetics, FOO's etc. etc. all behave in the same way.   

Other good news.  My daughter is going forward with submitting the paperwork to the Nation that I belong to.  The things available through the Nation are gonna be a game changer for her.  I'm still in process of figuring out all the good that is available for myself.  That also has taken a weight off of me.  since I'm a member then she should be accepted and once that happens, there is a community / Nation / support and possibly folks that will be "family" there for her after I'm on to my next adventure on the other side of the veil.

Still getting used to the new to me rig.  Kinda nuts on how the car and my daughter were weighing on me. 

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

08-16-25
oh (insert small cuss phrase here)... Blood pressure up from yesterday.  I wonder if it has to do with a USB stick I found that had images, words and vids of the time before, the time of the former spouse. Probably didn't help.  I really thought that I had consolidated everything onto a pair of external hard drives which are put "away" in a place where they are not part of the daily experience.  Was going to use that USB stick as a way to play music from my digital archive on my "smart" TV. TBH the streaming music on the smart TV apps (even those I'm paying for) commercials which I can understand if the music is "free to listen", however even with the paid apps.. still have to have a block of commercials between every song? Yeesh.  I'm trying to get some low key kind of ambient which gets totally messed up with the commercials. 

Anyhow, Flu like body symptoms, then again that could be side effects of the BP meds.  Yeesh.  I do know that my lower colon doesn't appreciate one of the meds.  The pattern of regularity is gone.   

Went ahead and did a wander in the AM.  Bout 45 minutes or so, made sure that I had at least 2 instances of 15 minutes where I was pushing a lil speed wise but could still talk.  Didn't get many good snaps either which was kinda a bummer.  I have taken so many that I need to find new subjects / areas to wander (walk) in. 

The emotions still run high from time to time.  I am proud of myself in that I didn't flinch when one of the vids off that USB stick started automatically playing.  I didn't let it play through but still.  I can look at images of her and now that I'm healed up some, I can see the dysfunction behind the mask she put on for the picture. 

Need to run to the bank to deposit some $$ that I didn't use for the new to me car.  It's times like now, where things are "tight" that the emotions start getting high again.  Wouldn't be as bad if the IRS would allow me the write-off of alimony.  Nope, can't do that. Judas on a pogo stick.  Ran out of various supplements and had to use a CC to order them. 

I know that I am still adjusting to the new situation in various spheres.  Getting used to physical aloneness is a biggy.  Attempting to wrap my head around the social situation that exists now in the country in which I reside at the moment.  Well, there are reasons, valid ones in my opinion, for young bucks bouncing overseas to create a nuclear family, start businesses, shooting for generational wealth, and basically leave the "home country" in the dust.  I also savvy that I'm in the "tween" space right now.  The local outreach group for the Nation that I belong to don't spin up for events, meetups, etc. until Sept. 

Well, poop.  I am feeling somewhat better with food and taking my supplements.  Guess I need to slather on some smell'em good and go to the bank.  Maybe do a run to a library and get a card. 

Wishing all here, all the best

 

[Chart]

 

[StartingHealing]

08-17-25

Blood pressure has ticked up some. Crap.  Anyway, had a change of plans and decided to keep my butt home.  Do feel better today than I did yesterday.  Slept well overall.  Well, I figure I can swing by the bank tomorrow after work, as well as hitting a store to pick up some odds and ends that I'm running low on. 

Was talking up a storm to myself to hammer the points home that in regards to the former spouse, I didn't cause / create her condition, I did my best at the time to mitigate / control it which of course failed, and that there is no cure for what she is.  There are various boards / groups that I'm a member of and some folks seem to be able to separate out the abuse from the person and I can't.  I've tried.  Ran across a video from Dry creek wrangler school. Dewayne was talking about forgiveness.  He wandered into the Xtain sphere a little bit. His two big points of contention with the current narrative around forgiveness is that it's been weaponized against those who have been injured and that on the Xtain front unless the person that did you wrong comes to you and asks, it's not a thing that is an absolute must do.  He did say that you have to let it go which to him is something different than forgiving those that wronged you.  He also mentioned about forgiving yourself and to not allow the person you were in the past F up the person you are now. 

In the physical, I know that because of what the former spouse is, There will never be any true, sincere apology. TBH looking at it from a farmer / ranchers point of view, if there was a critter that was acting like that, they would be put down in very short order.  I want absolutely nothing to do with her.  I don't want to know anything that's going on with her, where she lives, etc.  Couple different reasons behind that.  1st is that it's a measure of protection for me.  No trails leading back to where she can F with me.  there is the legal option but that will take some $$ which I don't think she has.  The other aspect is it also protects me from taking action that I'll regret later.  Because I know that if I went down that road.. even if the scales got balanced in my estimation, those actions would take me out of my own balance. 

time for some food, supplements, and the AM BP med

Wishing all here all the best