Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

08-13-2025

Numbers are in the "normal" ballpark which is good.  I know that I need to do more on my end and move / lift / exercise the old war horse more than I have been.  I may not get to the level of where I was as a young buck on the farm but I believe I have a huge upside in getting back into more country boy shape.  Add in my near mutant level healing ability and I'd say my odds are pretty good.  Good enough that I'm going to go for it. 

Did some EFT this morning on forgiving myself.  Realized that all the other times that it hadn't really stuck.  Also EFT on releasing any and all sense of responsibility for the former spouse.  The mind F from a BPD+ .. yeesh.  Hindsight is always 20/20 you know?  I see where I got suckered and also where the mind job really sank it's hooks in.  I accept that I'm not totally blameless in all of it.  However at the same time I'm not the major player in all of it either.  The aspect that still gives me pause is how other pwBPD, in other locations, and differing ages, backgrounds, genetics, FOO's etc. etc. all behave in the same way.   

Other good news.  My daughter is going forward with submitting the paperwork to the Nation that I belong to.  The things available through the Nation are gonna be a game changer for her.  I'm still in process of figuring out all the good that is available for myself.  That also has taken a weight off of me.  since I'm a member then she should be accepted and once that happens, there is a community / Nation / support and possibly folks that will be "family" there for her after I'm on to my next adventure on the other side of the veil.

Still getting used to the new to me rig.  Kinda nuts on how the car and my daughter were weighing on me. 

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

08-16-25
oh (insert small cuss phrase here)... Blood pressure up from yesterday.  I wonder if it has to do with a USB stick I found that had images, words and vids of the time before, the time of the former spouse. Probably didn't help.  I really thought that I had consolidated everything onto a pair of external hard drives which are put "away" in a place where they are not part of the daily experience.  Was going to use that USB stick as a way to play music from my digital archive on my "smart" TV. TBH the streaming music on the smart TV apps (even those I'm paying for) commercials which I can understand if the music is "free to listen", however even with the paid apps.. still have to have a block of commercials between every song? Yeesh.  I'm trying to get some low key kind of ambient which gets totally messed up with the commercials. 

Anyhow, Flu like body symptoms, then again that could be side effects of the BP meds.  Yeesh.  I do know that my lower colon doesn't appreciate one of the meds.  The pattern of regularity is gone.   

Went ahead and did a wander in the AM.  Bout 45 minutes or so, made sure that I had at least 2 instances of 15 minutes where I was pushing a lil speed wise but could still talk.  Didn't get many good snaps either which was kinda a bummer.  I have taken so many that I need to find new subjects / areas to wander (walk) in. 

The emotions still run high from time to time.  I am proud of myself in that I didn't flinch when one of the vids off that USB stick started automatically playing.  I didn't let it play through but still.  I can look at images of her and now that I'm healed up some, I can see the dysfunction behind the mask she put on for the picture. 

Need to run to the bank to deposit some $$ that I didn't use for the new to me car.  It's times like now, where things are "tight" that the emotions start getting high again.  Wouldn't be as bad if the IRS would allow me the write-off of alimony.  Nope, can't do that. Judas on a pogo stick.  Ran out of various supplements and had to use a CC to order them. 

I know that I am still adjusting to the new situation in various spheres.  Getting used to physical aloneness is a biggy.  Attempting to wrap my head around the social situation that exists now in the country in which I reside at the moment.  Well, there are reasons, valid ones in my opinion, for young bucks bouncing overseas to create a nuclear family, start businesses, shooting for generational wealth, and basically leave the "home country" in the dust.  I also savvy that I'm in the "tween" space right now.  The local outreach group for the Nation that I belong to don't spin up for events, meetups, etc. until Sept. 

Well, poop.  I am feeling somewhat better with food and taking my supplements.  Guess I need to slather on some smell'em good and go to the bank.  Maybe do a run to a library and get a card. 

Wishing all here, all the best

 

[Chart]

 

[StartingHealing]

08-17-25

Blood pressure has ticked up some. Crap.  Anyway, had a change of plans and decided to keep my butt home.  Do feel better today than I did yesterday.  Slept well overall.  Well, I figure I can swing by the bank tomorrow after work, as well as hitting a store to pick up some odds and ends that I'm running low on. 

Was talking up a storm to myself to hammer the points home that in regards to the former spouse, I didn't cause / create her condition, I did my best at the time to mitigate / control it which of course failed, and that there is no cure for what she is.  There are various boards / groups that I'm a member of and some folks seem to be able to separate out the abuse from the person and I can't.  I've tried.  Ran across a video from Dry creek wrangler school. Dewayne was talking about forgiveness.  He wandered into the Xtain sphere a little bit. His two big points of contention with the current narrative around forgiveness is that it's been weaponized against those who have been injured and that on the Xtain front unless the person that did you wrong comes to you and asks, it's not a thing that is an absolute must do.  He did say that you have to let it go which to him is something different than forgiving those that wronged you.  He also mentioned about forgiving yourself and to not allow the person you were in the past F up the person you are now. 

In the physical, I know that because of what the former spouse is, There will never be any true, sincere apology. TBH looking at it from a farmer / ranchers point of view, if there was a critter that was acting like that, they would be put down in very short order.  I want absolutely nothing to do with her.  I don't want to know anything that's going on with her, where she lives, etc.  Couple different reasons behind that.  1st is that it's a measure of protection for me.  No trails leading back to where she can F with me.  there is the legal option but that will take some $$ which I don't think she has.  The other aspect is it also protects me from taking action that I'll regret later.  Because I know that if I went down that road.. even if the scales got balanced in my estimation, those actions would take me out of my own balance. 

time for some food, supplements, and the AM BP med

Wishing all here all the best

[Chart]

 

[StartingHealing]

Thank you Chart

[StartingHealing]

08-19-25
Interesting how the universe works. Been doing work on getting more "stuff" cleared in regards to the former spouse over the last few days. And then this morning..

Had been up, got a cup of coffee into me to kick start the nervous system and clear some of the brain fuzz, decided to start booting up everything, (side note I shut off the modem / router / wifi when I sleep because of EM fields.  I'm not using it when I'm asleep anyhow) after the mobile was fully up, it pinged a notification.  Mind you this is early in the AM. 

I checked and there was an email from FB to an old email account that I need to delete. Former spouse was in process of attempting to change the password on the FB account that has that email associated with it. She would need the verification code in the email to do that.   She forgot that the email address associated with that FB account was one that I control.

I deleted that email. 

Then about 5 minutes later another email from FB popped up.  It was one of those "log in with one click" ones.  I deleted that as well. And cleaned the trash so as a user I didn't have access to those emails any longer.

Then I changed the password on that email account.  Simple insurance you know?  I had changed it back when she had been arrested for DV.

Based off experience, depending on which part of her crazy cycle she's in, it could be a nothing burger to where she spins into raging. Either way not my monkey, not my circus.  That FB account was one that she had back before her arrest. Interesting that she's circling back around to it now. At the moment I don't know if she's attempting to sling-back or if it's an attempt to "find" me.  I'm rather over FB anyway.  I've already deleted my Instagram account, and I'm seriously considering deleting my current FB and creating an account for only marketplace.

I was tempted to click on the links in the email where it would report back to FB that "it's not me" but I didn't.  If she continues to attempt to login / change passwords etc. Without the MFA (Multi-Factor Authentication) FB system will see it as a hacking attempt and lock that account down.  And I'm clean.  I just happened to be made aware of the situation by actions that she didn't take like changing the email associated with that FB account. 

Part of me finds this situation kind of funny.  Part of me also realizes that email account that received the emails from FB is another something from back then that I need to delete and move forward from.

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

08-20-25
Shorty:  Email account and most recent FB account deleted.  Only "social" is X.  Need to get coffee and start putting myself together for work.

I find myself doing more in the real world and less in the digital.  I remember how it was before the personal computer "revolution".  IMO that was a better time in many ways.  Lot's less fear being spread round.  Lot's more self agency generally speaking.

Heard this on a podcast.. we are living in a world where all the important things have been abstracted.  Junk food is an abstraction of real food. Social media is an abstraction of community.  Work is an abstraction of purpose. In a environment such as this, it's no wonder that people are having problems.  To my mind it's time to intentionally move the other way.

Wishing all here all the best

[Chart]

 

[StartingHealing]

Thank you Chart.

Back from a Dr. appt.  He increased a BP med.  Ugh.  Anyway, have some body aches because I pushed it yesterday and today.  Yesterday was body weight exercises and today I did 1.7 miles on my walk.  Nothing that I haven't experienced before.  Growing up on a family farm, it was common for me to wake up with muscle aches because of the efforts put forth the previous day.  Hm. I averaged 2.04 MPH this morning on my walk.  I think that's pretty decent I guess.

Lots of drama at work.  Logistics manager has been let go due do ongoing issues with the folks he supervises.  Yeesh. I've gathered that there are some mental issues with him along with some ones with his spouse.  Well, it's not normal to have a spouse blow up a employee's spouse's phone you know?  That is actually the final straw that caused management to finally pull the plug on his employment. 

Finally got the income tax return.  That was a long long time for not much $.  Eh the bureaucratic systems currently in place I swear are slowly strangling everything.  Increased costs, more delays, more frustration.

Well, I have errands that need to be done.  Gonna do it today instead of tomorrow.  If all goes well, tomorrow a tow truck will show to pick up a vehicle that has a almost nearly blown engine.  Has a really bad rod knock.  It still runs but ..

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

08-24-25

Today on this episode of .. Small attempt at some levity.  I don't know if this is something that happens with others or if it's a indication for only myself that I'm getting more discerning.  Took a pretty decent step yesterday and got a public library card.  I realized that yes while I was young, reading was a form of escapism for the emotional turmoil I was going through at the time.  Still got a lot of benefit out of it though. 

Had made up my mind to reenter the reading sphere with actual physical books ergo the library card.  I went through the book stacks and picked up a 431 page tome and I was just so turned off by it. Supposedly it's a sci-fi book.  Very disappointed in it.  I got through the first couple of chapters and how do I phrase this?  The author definitely has an agenda that he is pushing and due to that the story isn't good.  Not good at all.  I could also pick up that the author also was influenced by certain formats of a particular era's video entertainment. Really? 4 major characters in the first chapter and each character gets their own chapter?   Sigh.  I want to be entertained, not preached at.  I don't savvy, where did the authors that could spin a good entertaining tall tale go?  Did the culture shift in regards to the urban mono-culture cancel them?  Or make it such that they couldn't even get into the markets?

Noticed that I have also been having the same reaction to video entertainment.  When I fire up a movie, I want to be entertained not preached at.  I want a good story, characters that I can actually relate to in some way, characters that go through a arc, and to be honest the current situation is such that I'm burned out on even trying to watch anything. 

In some ways, I'm also fed up with what has happened to the characters that I grew up with.  I don't understand why the destruction of what came before was so important to the urban mono-culture that currently exists.

Talk about being a stranger in a strange land.  Shout out to Robert A. Heinlein.  Great book. 

Wishing all here all the best. 

[StartingHealing]

08-25-25

On a break at work.  Listening to some Alan Watts while I have been engaged in busy work to keep the bureaucratic system fed. 

This is the 3rd day since the Dr increased the mg on one of the BP meds.  Seriously messing with perceptions.  Vision and reflexes still seem to be decent so I'm safe to drive.  The effects .. even with coffee and nicotine I still feel as if I'm not fully awake.  Very odd, at times disconcerting.

Was in contemplation over the weekend and several things became clear for me.  How comfortable am I with the concept that I have 0 input at all in whether or not other people cast me in the villain role in the story that they are telling themselves about themselves?  Convincing those aspects within that we were not the cause of the behaviors of those so called adults had done which did push me on a emotional level d--n near the point of madness.  Actually, there may have been a time or three that I was there.  How I made it back I have no idea at all. 

The forgiveness of self, not from self to self, but from self and other.  Like most, there were outlooks, precepts, impressions, and at times direct commands from those who as a child I looked to as every child does, and finally recognizing how F'ed up most of that was. The transmission of the sins of the parents to the child.. Nature and Nurture both do this.  DNA you know?  Even though as a child I was doing what I was wired to do biologically, a lot of that input was toxic and not good for health and wellness.  I forgave myself for that.  I know that it really doesn't make a logical sense and yet having the self - compassion to do that, you know? 

I also realized that for me personally, being in a metro area isn't that great for me.  I know that I'm safe and also capable.  Thing is the low level energy that churns, froths, and to my sense is chaotic,  has the effect of having me on a certain level of threat awareness all the time.  It's not an anxiety thing it's rather being at a certain level of focus? that isn't conducive to relaxation.  I know that most folks are not nefarious in nature.  Its rather that the chaos and the wondering that somehow the former spouse might find me.  Which I also realize is a hold over from the experiences that I survived.  Which is also a driver in wanting to move to a different state and / or going overseas.  Admittedly the evidence that could be used to track me down is rather scant and if I can take action to fade into the shear mass of information available... The idea is security through obscurity.  Or rather like martial arts, best way to not get hit is to not be where the fist is.

Break over and need to get back after it.

Wishing all here, all the best 

[Chart]

08-24-25

Noticed that I have also been having the same reaction to video entertainment.  When I fire up a movie, I want to be entertained not preached at.  I want a good story, characters that I can actually relate to in some way, characters that go through a arc, and to be honest the current situation is such that I'm burned out on even trying to watch anything. 

Omg... is it me or are 9 out of ten scenarios the "bad guy" acting pompous or worse, non-pc and the "good guy" beats them up... or shoots them...
Hollywood is clearly struggling to manufacture original variants of this over-used, repeated, ridiculous and unrealistic theme. Though LA writers are still somehow managing to crank out more of this same garbage on a permanent basis. Is this what sells? Who are theses "masses" buying all this?

Sorry I'm ranting... but really... is it not resoundingly evident just how messed up 98% of all this "entertainment" is?

SH, you struck a chord in me there... :-)

[StartingHealing]

Chart,

Hollyweird is dying in my opinion.  Pretty much anything from the "entertainment" industry is garbage.  Starting about 2010.  I've started going through Archive(dot)org and there are some good movies available for free to watch.  If your YT fu is decent there are old TV shows available.  Hee Haw is a good one.  Mash is pretty good until the last few seasons.  Carol Burnett show, I love Lucy. All in the family. Andy Griffin show,   IMO the "woke" mind virus has infected all of them and I don't think that they deserve any of my $$$.  Depending on the web browser if you have ad block engaged then you don't have to watch any ads.  A lot of the movies on Archive are free to download. 

I'm still salty about the book.  To me as a child, a library was a wonderful place.  And that single thing.. ugghhh.

I'm starting to watch anime.  The sub titles can be a bit weird. There are series that fit pretty good for my mood.  Something slow, slice of life, adventure, action, scifi, alternate worlds or whatever. 

There is a reason that manga and anime are kicking hollyweird's butt.  Even in movies Godzilla - 1 or is it - zero?  Anyway, good movie.

Hopefully you can find some entertainment that you can enjoy Chart.

[natureluvr]

How comfortable am I with the concept that I have 0 input at all in whether or not other people cast me in the villain role in the story that they are telling themselves about themselves? 

This speaks to me, a lot.  I can truly relate to this. The injustice of it is mind boggling to me.