FINDING MY FEELINGS

[sanmagic7]

those sound like 2 very viable options, moondance.  as far as if a hospital can help, there are several people who have found that option very helpful.  it's up to you.  whatever feels right for you.  keep taking care, ok?  love and a big hug

[rainydiary]

Moondance, I am here with you as you ask big questions and seek answers and information.  Best wishes sorting out how you want to move forward.

[Armee]

They do sound like viable options if you need them. You come first.

I've looked into things to remind me I am cooking because of dissociation I often absent-mindedly put something on the stove out of awareness and then leave it. There are alarms and sensors and such for people who are forgetful so they can still live independently. They attach to the stove knobs and send reminder alerts.

[Not Alone]

Moondance, I just caught up on the last couple of pages of your journal. You have a lot that you are dealing with. 

[Moondance]

I'm still feeling overwhelmed.

I heard from government disability. It was denied but I can request a review of their decision within 90 days.  The government did say the insurance company cannot penalize me in anyway for this decision.

The following day, so yesterday I received a call from insurance company to let me know of their decision regarding change of disability to be effective Sept. 2024.  They have approved me for disability until 65. That was a relief for sure.

I have an appointment regarding financial matters this afternoon and am quite anxious about that. 

I haven't really read any posts regarding financial difficulties or perhaps a better choice of words is mismanagement of one's finances. 

Anyway one foot in front of the other right now.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes navigating and sorting out financial questions.

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary - much appreciated!

[Moondance]

Thank you Not Alone for the hug - much appreciated as well.

[Moondance]

My neighbor, the only neighbor I speak with a bit. I will call him Spin. Before my appointment today he asked I come listen (outside) to a tune he came up with on his guitar.  It was a really nice tune. I bring this up because Spin broached the topic of my lack of desire about anything.  He only knows that I'm on disability but no details. He inferred that I should pick up my boot straps, etc, etc. 
I could feel my blood starting to boil.  Whether right or wrong, I dont know but I told him that this remark makes me really angry and why.  He preceded to explain an experience he had as an example of bad things done to him - in essence he was assuming what I've been through or what is or might be causing my lack of desire for life. That is what it felt like to me.

Of course I acknowledged the bad experience he shared with me and I tried to explain that my lack of desire is as a result of abuse (didn't specify) from early on and throughout my life and that my efforts throughout my life to change, get better, seeking councelling, 12 step groups, religion, self help books, therapy, etc etc, were to no avail.  I find it difficult to explain CPTSD (me) to someone.  Anyway I did mention CPTSD.  He said well if you ever need to talk with someone.  Again why do people assume they know about someone else's life?  I told him there is no one on the f'n earth I trust or that has my best interest at heart.  Sorry for the expletive - my anger, frustration.  I most likely should have walked away. There were a few good things I said about CPTSD.  I did apologize to him before I left for getting upset/angry. I think we left the conversation in good standing but I don't know that for sure.  I doubt everything and go over and over what was said. 

In my head now I'm thinking; and in the end, after all that effort I still felt like there was still something very wrong with me. I now know different and learnt that here.

I feel safest at home, not dealing with anyone because it just makes it more complicated in my head to have interactions with humans.

I'm thinking about how I was feeling when the anger started to well up.  It was really unusual for me to speak up about how I was feeling and to say why.  I think it was an EF.

On a whole other note the appointment went okay.  I was overwhelmed from the conversation with Spin.  I have more decisions to make.  I don't feel able to make good decisions right now. 


 
   

[Moondance]

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS - poem about divorce





A poem about continued fighting between my FOO - they divorced and fought for at least 7 years.

Forever After

The Prince and Princess met
A date was set
For the specially bright day
They were on their way

Through many years
There came good cheers
Happily ever after?
Never!
For there were fears
And then there were tears

Inadequacies
Judgment of another
Frivolicies
Why bother?

Unhappiness, drinking
Deeper, sinking
Where is the reasoning
No returning

Separation, divorce
Many says in courts
What a waste of time
Worse than a crime

Now eight years of fighting
Is there no ending
Someone is calling
Could it be God answering

[sanmagic7]

I feel safest at home, not dealing with anyone because it just makes it more complicated in my head to have interactions with humans.

i very much relate to this, moondance.  unless i'm selling or teaching, which is a different persona, i'm also safest at home.  at least, that's how i feel.  it includes having to speak to anyone i don't know on the phone.  you are not alone with this.  i'm so grateful to live w/ my D, who takes care of most of that business-y kind of stuff.

i also doubt most things i say/do unless it's my computer games.  but that's me, my alone time.  too often, still, self-doubt runs around me at every turn.  it's a crummy way to feel.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

It is an awful way of being and feeling.  I'm sorry you can relate Sanmagic7 - it does help me a lot though when someone relates.  Thank you 

 

[Moondance]

Moondance flower has bloomed.

[Armee]

It's beautiful. Like you.

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Armee. Thank you for sharing the picture.