Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. I think I was quite similar when I started therapy in university. I was an emotional mess and everything was all over the place. It felt really different from the person that I knew myself to be. My internal compass felt way out of whack and took a long time to get back on track. I think when we've been coping in a certain way for so long it becomes really messy when we can no longer do it that way and have to face some uncomfortable truths about our lives which don't seem to make sense with what you know. IMO alcohol might be adding to that confusion as it can throw you more off balance when these things are coming up.

My second therapist suggested al-anon to me as my dad came from an alcoholic family and a part of me freaked out. I think it was being around a group of people and having to show these emotions to them that felt so overwhelming. There was also a part that felt like I'm being sent for treatment and I must be the problem, but how can I be "punished" or "wrong" when I felt like I was the normal one in my family? Looking back I think my t suggested it as a way to get me in touch with other people who might be going through similar emotions and experiences that I was who also might be supportive of what had happened.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, just wanted to share some experiences which might be similar to what's coming up for you.

Hope you're managing to find some ease going through this.

dolly

[Larry]

thank you dolly,  that makes snese,  i know things will get better,   and i know alcohol is at most a temporary escape,  and probably just making things worse.  i didn't drink at all yesterday,  haven't today,  i really am trying to find a new way to handle everything. 

[Larry]

monday...  good day at work,  only worked a half day.  i did not drink yesterday or today.  not even 1.  still a little up and down emotionally,  i did not make an appointment this week with my T.  not sure what i am going to do,,  we did some emdr a few weeks ago and it seemed to be helpful.  just this last session....   maybe i will wait until after the holidays.

[rainydiary]

Larry, it can be tough to figure out what is supportive to your journey.  I hope you keep finding what is right for you.

[Larry]

thank you rainy,  i am also trying to learn how to support myself,  i was stuck in a pattern of self destruct for too long.  i am trying to be good to myself,  i have not had a drink since saturday,  and it feels good.  i am working this afternoon. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I can relate as I have been self-destructive most of my life.  I can tell you are working toward caring for yourself and sometimes care means doing things that feel difficult.  For me it felt odd to do this, but it is really important to get to know and care and love yourself.  I am here cheering for you and hoping your day goes as well as it can.

[Armee]

 

I hipe your day is good Larry.

[Larry]

thank you rainy and armee,  today was ok,  i did have 1 drink,  i really wanted to go 5 days,  but i am not to dissappointed  with 1 drink.  i am not working tomorrow,  but doing some volunteer work at the community theater.  now if i can just get some sleep !

[Armee]

Wishing you a night of peaceful sleep. I can say after 6 years of insomnia and an average of 3-4 hrs sleep a night for that whole period...good sleep makes a huge difference. But wishing it so doesn't make it so, so I'm wishing you luck that you are gifted with rest tonight.

I also hope that you can find a comfortable way to return to therapy even though her approach to addressing alcohol with you was not helpful for you. At the same time that it's important to listen to yourself and make a change when there is not a good fit, there are lots of times in therapy that things don't go well and there can be value in sticking with it through the bad parts, but it's definitely important to trust yourself.

I can share more about my experience with that sometime somewhere not in your own journal if it's ever helpful.

Your doing a lot, Larry. You'll get there.

[Larry]

thank you armee !  i will give it another try.  i know i still have a lot of work to do,  and i know my T is right about the drinking,   i guess i just didn't like hearing the truth.  she just wanted me to get as much support as possible.  maybe i will text her today and make an appointment.  i slept for 5 hours last night,  and feel prety good.   

[rainydiary]

Larry, someone once told me that feedback can be like having a gold coin thrown at you.  When it hits it hurts and eventually we might realize the value of what has been said.  I'm not sure I like this analogy but I do think there are times where someone's honesty can be helpful to us.  I hope that you continue to find ways to feel your best. 

[Larry]

thank you rainy,  that makes so much sense.   today was mostly good,  only had 1 drink,  not sure why i even drank it,  but i feel good about the past few days.  i think i am ready make another appointment with my T.  maybe i will text her tomorrow

[Armee]

I'm proud of you Larry. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, you are doing a lot of hard work.  It is difficult to change how we do things and to feel all that we feel as people.  You are doing so well.

[Larry]

thank you both for all of the support !