Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[rainydiary]

Larry, my experience is that our feelings are so valuable.  Even the ones that hurt.  We have the misfortune of being taught to ignore our feelings in a more drastic way that most folks.  But our feelings help us know it is time to eat, drink, toilet, sleep, or something else that keeps us going.  Our feelings also help us love, hate, cry, scream, speak, listen, and more. 

It does take time and practice to get to know our feelings and honor them and respond to them in ways that nourish us (even when what is nourishing in the moment is ugly and painful).  We are at a disadvantage that we are behind those that might have learned this in childhood. 

You are a wonderful human and are building the support network you need to go on this journey. 

[Larry]

thank you so much rainy,   i really needed to hear this.  i feel like i am trying,, but sometimes feel like i am failing.   i just want to have fun like everyone else. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I relate to those feelings and find it so difficult to feel that way.  Something I think about a lot is a meditation I used to do where the person talks about imaging that we are carrying around a backpack full of everything that has happened to us.  They remind that it took a long time for all that stuff to get in the backpack.  And that we can start to take out what we don't need anymore while remembering that may take a long time. 

[Larry]

i think my backpack is really full !  lol,  i like the idea ,  i need to try meditation.  i had 4 drinks yesterday,  hoping to go without today.  when i started therapy,  i was so afraid to go,  a lot of anxiety leading up to my session,  now i feel like i need to go.   it would be nice to have someone to talk to every day. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I can relate, my backpack is very full too.  I personally find meditation in what most people think of it (like sitting still listening to someone talk or just sitting still) so uncomfortable and don't like it much.  Meditation, I am learning, can be anything you do that helps you get into a place where you are present.  For me, that usually happens with some kind of movement.  We are all different though and I hope you find a way of meditating that works for you.  I also think it is really powerful to have space to talk to someone that is supportive and caring and feels safe.  I'm glad you found that with the T you are seeing. 

[Larry]

i appreciate you !

[Hope67]

Hi Larry,
I am popping by to say hello, and I hope that your day is ok 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I am also stopping by to say hello and that I appreciate you also.

[Larry]

thank you hope and rainy,  i am doing ok,  i did  not drink yesterday,  trying not to today.  i am starting a new job tomorrow.  i am a little scared and embarrassed to see my T friday after what happened the other day.  i guess i will deal with that on friday.  i need to just stay sober and focused,  although it isn't as easy as it sounds.  i really don't know how to find a substitute for the way alcohol helps relieve pain and anxiety. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm sure your T will be able to help you, Larry. I hope the new job goes well, glad you're doing ok .

[Larry]

thank you snowdrop ! 

[Larry]

wednesday....  no drinks today,  i did have 1 yesterday,  i don't now why,   i feel ok,  been trying to stay busy.  next session is friday.  i don't want to go..  it is going to be hard and embarrassing.  i am at home,  trying not to drink,  but i really would like to have just 1.   i am so hungry, but i don't  want to eat this late.  hopefully i can get some sleep tonight. 

[Armee]

Larry, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Promise...up and down. Your therapist is there to help, not judge. Many of them have been in your shoes. You have shown your T where you are at and where you need help early in the relationship and that is a huge gift to both of you and makes the work easier for her. I almmost guarantee she will feel closer and warmer toward you because she has seen youb being vulnerable.  I am where you are now with my T only after 3 years of putting on a facade. We could not do this work pretending I was fine.

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry,

Hope your next session goes well and you find a place to realize that you have nothing to be ashamed about sharing these things. It sounds like you've had some big changes recently starting a new job. Hope it's all going well.

dolly

[Larry]

thank you armee and dolly,  it's hard not to have these feelings.    i just want the holidays to be over,  maybe the new year will be good