I had no idea how messed up i am. i thought it was normal. i thought everyone had anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, trust issues, emotional flashbacks, dissociation, addiction. It helps knowing i am not alone, but also knowing this is not normal. things should not be this way. i am just now learning about recovery. first therapy session is this friday. it is what i am hoping to be the first step in recovery.
I remember when I thought it was normal. Finding out it wasn't was a bit of a shock but it gave me a way forward. Therapy is hard work but it really can help. Congratulations on the steps you're taking to heal, Larry, and very best of luck with starting your therapy.
:wave: I'm glad you've started a journal Larry!
You aren't alone in not seeing the extent of your injuries and their impact on your life and health. You are seeing it before you even start therapy so I think you have a head start! Rest assured as you go through therapy for awhile you'll see more of it. You'll go through denial and being hard on yourself. Eventually you'll accept it all and start to heal.
I'm at the stage of finally having my eyes fully open to the extent to the impacts things have had on me and my life and accepting it instead of fighting against it with persistent thoughts that "I shouldn't be like this" "it wasn't that bad" "I should be better by now" and "I'm not good enough." The healing has been happening since I stepped foot in my therapist's office but I think it's about to take off because I can finally accept and be kind to myself.
I can't wait to read about your discoveries and healing. You've been very vulnerable and open and it's a great trait and helps many people.
Hi Larry, it's good to see you're staying focused on wanting to move beyond just wallowing along, and finding new resolve to create a new way forward -- YOUR way.
That sounds bold and easy -- on the bold side, for sure; but none of this is ever easy. What is easy is the temptation to give up when things seem too scary or hazardous to want to go further.
Here's hoping you can develop a good relationship with the therapist you mentioned. It's also important, I think, to remember that the driver of your therapy is always you. After all, therapy appointments are by nature a small portion of overall time. It seems like you have already attained a grasp on that and are indeed ready to wade in further.
Journaling also bodes well -- by posting things here -- even though it's mostly personal -- you'll find people willing to help where they can, and who might also relate to what you're going through.
Best to you on this new territory you're entering.
thank you all for the support ! I am scared and excited, I really want to just be happy and have fun. I feel like i don't know how to do that. I will post something Friday after my session !
I did it ! and I feel so relieved ! The T was really understanding, I felt comfortable even with the anxiety. She recommended Lexapro, not sure I can do that.
Yay!!!
Good job Larry! I'm so excited for this positive step forward for you. You deserve that!
I don't have experience with medication but I'm sure your T would talk through the pros and cons with you of using medication vs other healthy and unhealthy coping strategies. You're in charge.
thank you Armee !!
Congratulations, Larry! I'm so glad that the T was understand and that you felt comfortable. That's good stuff.
A word about medication: It does certainly help some people, but not so much others. If I may make a suggestion, do some research into both the medication itself and people's personal experiences with it. I think it's a good idea to keep your mind open to the possibility, but as Armee said, you're in charge. There's nothing wrong with trying it if after informing yourself and discussing it with your therapist you feel that it might help, but there is no reason to believe that you must take it if you feel uncomfortable with it for any reason.
Thank you Bach, I have always been afraid of any meds, especially anti deppressants, I really feel so luckky to have so much support !
Hey Larry!
Thank you for sharing your relief with us about your first visit. I can feel the relief myself now too. Now that visit #1 is done with, the world must feel a bit brighter than it did yesterday. ;D
As for Lexapro: That's my favorite. My doctor prescribes the lowest possible dose for me only when I need it. I usually only take it for a month or so here and there (Maybe once every one to two years when my anxiety becomes round the clock and too much for me to handle). It presents me with fewer side effects than any other med I've ever taken, and since she prescribes the lowest dose, I am able to get on and off of it with very little effort. I always consult her first before I start it or stop it, but it's always pretty easy for me to do. These meds aren't like aspirin that we take as needed. We go on it for a period of time and then go off it when it's safe to do so. I always keep my doctor in the loop.
I'm all for you making that choice for yourself. The Lexapro just sort of takes the edge off if my anxiety becomes 24x7 for any extended period of time. Otherwise, like you, I prefer to be non-medicated also. And I no longer drink, so I don't know if alcohol causes any issues with the Lexapro. You might look into that if you choose to try it.
I'm real happy today that you had this visit and that you're feeling good about it. This is a day to celebrate! :cheer:
I'm so proud of you Larry! You're on the path to road now. There will be potholes, but the scenery is amazing, so take time to take it in.
I've taken Lexapro and a lot of other stuff. I've found it will help initially (maybe even just a placebo effect) but it wears off. If you try it and find it's not helping anymore, don't be afraid to tell your T about that. But I found Lexapro to be one of the better ones. I'm not on any meds now, but if something new that might help me came along, I'd try it. Also, you don't have to be on it forever. It can just help smooth things out while you deal with the hurt.
Thank you both !! I would like to find a way to celebrate without drinking, I've never done that before ! maybe It's time to try new things,
Thatd be a great way to celebrate and to have the courage to take that step to find new ways to celebrate would probably give you a lot of confidence.
:thumbup: Good day, Larry. I can sense a more peaceful flow to your words today. And you also answered your own wonder about how things might go.
You had understandable hints of anxiety before. Then today you wrote this : "I really want to just be happy and have fun. Yet I don't know how to do that yet." That sounds like a welcome sigh of relief, and that's your happy/fun moment -- you did well :applause: .
You may not have known 'how' to celebrate, and you just did so, almost without noticing, as you've had little experience of it before. My best times in processing and celebrating weren't grandiose either, but would usually catch me unawares when the thought hit -- "hey, I suddenly feel better about this."
From what you say, Larry, I think that's what's happened for you -- you feel better, didn't really know what to expect, and yet here you are; still aware there may be challenges ahead but now equipped with a sure sign of hope. Having poked its head into your process of turning the corner, hope will be happy to join you as you progress further in building your own road to 'healing'.
For now, it's more than enough to just know that you've now taken a couple huge steps on the once hopelessly elusive path to 'healing'. Well done. :hug:
i appreciate all of you, i was with my wife and some of her theater friends, I had to leave early, I really could not stand being around people today. It is so wierd how i can go from happy to extremly irritated. I just got home, i did have 5 drinks today. i might have a few more. I don't know what i'm feeling, but i don't like it. just angry and agitated for no reason.
This dance is very natural and normal Larry. But over time you'll notice some slow changes and some big major ones. Just be kind to yourself. It's ok.
Larry, I'm glad that your first appointment with your T went well and that you felt understood.
Quote from: Armee on October 23, 2021, 03:24:38 AM
This dance is very natural and normal Larry. But over time you'll notice some slow changes and some big major ones. Just be kind to yourself. It's ok.
:yeahthat:
Hi Larry,
It sounds really positive that you're open to talking about this stuff and it's a big step congrats. Thanks for sharing with us. I think it's also a big step to recognize that feelings are coming up that you don't feel comfortable with. They're not always easy to deal with when they do come up but this is a good resource here in understanding what might be going on :cheer:
I learned recently that I had bad gut bacteria which can exacerbate anxiety (posted a thread in health channel) and depression. Not always the answer for everyone but I think starting to deal with it has helped me feel more settled.
dolly
thank you for being here Dolly,
Hi Larry,
I'm glad that your therapy session went ok. Just wanted to pop into your journal today to wish you well.
Hope :)
thank you Hope !
Monday..... somehow i made it to work this morning. Stayed up all night , drinking and watching music videos. My wife is really upset with me. I need to get some sleep. I have not had any alcohol today. I need to slow down. sometimes i just don't want too. I think I am trying to hurt or punish myself by over drinking. I have another session a week from today. I promised my T that i would not drink and drive. i want to keep that promisse, but when i drink, i don't always make good decisions
Maybe you can make the decisions before you drink? Like only walking or taking public transport to the bars or drink at home?
I hope sometime soon you are able to confide in your wife a little when the is right. In your wife's shoes I'd feel really relieved to know you were getting help. And probably a bit more patient.
But one step at a time right? You're doing great, Larry.
Thank you Armee, My T suggested that as well, taking a cab to the bar, they are cheap where i live, 7 dollars, no reason not too. I don't know how to even begin telling my wife, I told her before that i was abused, and have ptsd, but i don't think she knows how that has affected me. I don't usually like to share many things. I feel comfortable here, sharing with so many nice people. Next session is a week from today. seems like it is so far away, i feel like it wil be harder than the first session. i don't want to feel emotional, but i know it is going to happen. for years i was able to hide and bury emotions. I had a EF a few months ago, since then i have been all over the place with emotions. I want to bury them again, even though i know that isn't the best way to handle them.
If it makes you feel better I have been quite successful in burying my emotions even while in therapy. Haven't needed a tissue once much to both me and my therapist's chagrin. :whistling:
When you're ready your T will help you figure out how to talk to your wife about how much and why this is a struggle.
Larry, I can relate to having a spouse that might not understand the impact of trauma, abuse, and PTSD. I personally have found that what I really want my husband to know is what I need...and sometimes what I need is something I didn't get as a child and that isn't something he can really provide. For me the hurt of the past is what it lacked and moving forward for me has been about figuring out what I need and nurturing that. I will be thinking of you as you navigate this time.
Thank you both so much. the support i have received here has been so helpful. I try to return that support, it feels good to do that, i'm just not really good at knowing what to say. what an eye opener, i never even thought about what i "need", i have just been stuck in surviving.
Larry, I appreciate what you say. I think that when you begin to find what works for you, you may find ways to offer to others. I also think it's ok if you don't do that and aren't always sure what to say. It is ok to receive.
I also appreciate the feeling of survival. I have been thinking about how I used to tell people "I am a trauma survivor." I don't really know if I like that language anymore. I don't want to be known or exist simply as a "survivor." I want to feel agency and joy and fullness in my life.
It is difficult to identify what one's needs are when you haven't learned that growing up. I hope you find ways to identify that - for I started noticing the voice in me that had an opinion that I kept quiet. At first it often started with honestly telling my husband what I wanted to eat if we were getting take out and not just leaving it up to him.
Quote from: Larry on October 26, 2021, 01:41:03 AM
... i never even thought about what i "need", i have just been stuck in surviving.
Hi Larry,
Thanks for being here too. Your journal sounds very open and positive that you're willing to approach these things. Being stuck in survival is very familiar. There were some really good podcasts that someone recommended before called Beyond Bitchy about setting boundaries that were a good eye opener for me. Also, Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving is also a good starting point.
I'm 42 and am still becoming aware of how much patterning I have from the way I grew up. We learn to behave in these ways from very young children and it's how we made the world safe in a very unsafe environment.
dolly
I feel so lucky to have all of you here with me ! I did not drink at all yesterday. Not sure what will happen today. Not working today. really trying to staay positive
Hi Larry,
Just wanted to stop by and say I hope you're doing ok today.
dolly
Hi Dolly, thank you ! I am good today, yesterday.... i really over drank, did a bunch of shots, the bartender cut me off, which i really appreciate. I usually am a very happy drunk, apparently not last night. I gave the bartender my keys before i got too drunk, so i didn't drive, i don't know why, but i left really angry, i wouldn't accept a ride home. i walked 2.5 miles, drunk as could be. cursing at every car that drove by. only slept 4 hours, had to work today. I really want to stop over drinking. i don't know why i am doing this to myself.
Hi Larry,
I'm glad you got home safe and making good decisions. I had a period of what I think of as destructive partying just to not feel what was happening inside me.
I don't know if you're familiar with IFS but essentially we're all made up of different parts that were formed as a result of the things that happened growing up, good and bad. Behind every part is the Self, which we all have, and simply is the compassionate, caring, curious, (there are 7 c's) part that is always there once we step away from our other parts. So, if something bad happens, we usually lock that part away and the feelings associated with it as an exile. Then we have protectors in place to make sure those feelings don't come out. One of the ways we do that is to have firefighters active when the feelings start to surface such as drinking, overeating, risky behaviour etc. and they keep the feelings at bay. So, IFS is the process of connecting to Self, or being in Self, and then letting the firefighters know that you're there and listening. Sometimes once they are heard they will begin to let those feelings come through in a way that's less disruptive to you. It's not for everyone, but I had some very positive responses to IFS and I know some of the other members on here did as well if you're interested in checking it out.
Thanks for sharing and hope it's better today.
dolly
thank oyu, I am going to read about IFS,
I had a good day at work, had a few drinks on the way home, 4 drinks, having another now. I have been less depressed lately, but i don't like counting drinks everyday. or actively trying not to drink so much. I just want to be able to have a few, or not, and not worry about it. Monday is session number 2. starting to feel some anxiety. I was so hopeful about therapy, but i really have just begun, i know i need to give it a chance.
HI Larry,
Hope you're doing ok and sending you some support. I understand that this way of doing things feels good and safe. It is really anxiety inducing to talk about some of this stuff with other people and wanted to say that you are in control with your T. You don't have to share anything that you don't want to and that they're there to listen when you feel ready. It's up to you. Also, sometimes Ts aren't a good fit. That can choose the best T for you ie someone that specializes in trauma and alcohol etc. I was seeing a therapist before who kept forgetting that my dad committed suicide and I realized that this wasn't the T for me. I didn't know for a good while that I could interview people and I had a right to choose.
Hope it goes well with the T :cheer:
dolly
Hi Larry,
Just wanted to stop by and say I hope you're well and ok with whatever happened with the T and whatever you decided to do.
dolly
Thank you Dolly, I have a session tomorrow. typing this is causing so much anxiety. I know it is going to be tough and painful before it gets better. But i also know things will be even worse if i don't go. Last few days have been ok, Last night i drank so much, just couldn't stop. I walked home, fell in some bushes and lost my sandals. Just got home from work, hopefully no drinking today.
I get that and you can wholly do it :hug: To me the tough part was letting go of all the illusions I had about my life and family and the unknown of what's on the other side, but in that is the potential to create your life in the way that you want to see it.
Hope it goes well :grouphug:
I also wanted to say that I didn't see your other posts and what you were feeling before I mentioned about my father.
dolly
I really appreciate the support ! I didn't drink at all yesterday, session in 3 hours. I don't really know what to expect. kind of just want it to be over.
Thinking of you Larry. Just keep showing up. The rest will unfold.
I get that and you're being there for yourself and your younger self by going. It's not easy and can be messy, at least for me. I remember when I was in therapy about 15 years ago that I didn't really get it. I think I was just scared that there was something wrong with me and had so much fear (from years of conditioning by my family) that I didn't know any better or what was going to happen. It wasn't until 5 years ago that it finally clicked what he said about narcissism and my family and I began really learning about it. Someone recommended the cptsd/Pete Walker book and slowly it started to make sense. I think it takes time. It's great that you're giving yourself that chance.
Larry, I appreciate your updates. I hope you keep finding your way one step at a time.
session was reschduled for this friday. not sure what to do today, i need to get outside !
Oh that's a bit hard to have a therapy session rescheduled last minute. Sorry, Larry.
Quote from: Armee on November 01, 2021, 08:44:57 PM
Oh that's a bit hard to have a therapy session rescheduled last minute. Sorry, Larry.
:yeahthat:
All the waiting and the turmoil in the waiting, it is really hard when an appointment time is changed.
thank you both, i am really trying to do some self help, i miss not feeling emotions and feeling normal. it sucks feeling like i need to get so drunk to not feel things. i don't know what to expect from therapy, i know it could take some time to really notice some improvement. i really hate my F right now, i don't like to call him that, he was never a F, i am so hurt and confused.
It sounds like you are feeling emotions, Larry! :cheer:
You are feeling anger! The anger is justiifed. What's behind it?
so many things, i am trying to learn to control emotions, i have never liked them. starting the day with a positive attitude. no work today, not sure what to do.
I can relate to this. Emotions can throw off my entire day. Like today. Thanks for the reminder!
had a good day today, i did have several drinks, and will probably have more, at home now. really trying to understand and control emotions. my session was rescheduled for friday. i feel like i need to stay drunk until then, i know that isn't the answer, it just makes me feel better. starting to not like my job. i am scheduled 6 days a week, but have only been working 2 days. i know that will change soon. it is slow right now. i think i am going to get black out drunk tonight. nothing else to do !
We're not going to shame you here Larry but we can remind you when you want us to that there are other options.
Hi Larry,
Hope you're doing ok. I can relate to that. Growing up for me was all about controlling emotions. If I showed a reaction to something, certain people would pick up on that and belittle or demean me. It was also a way to not feel vulnerable around people in my life that weren't safe or didn't make me feel safe that I could be around them - my FOO and I've taken this to mean a lot of people out in the world. I'm sorry if your F made you feel like that.
We usually have these parts in us that are still acting from the age that we learned we had to defend ourselves or when a trauma happened. So there's the 8 year old, or whatever age, who had a response (justified) and we carry that into being an adult, but there's also the adult part there with a different life and no danger (unless there is but that's something else) where that response is maybe no longer useful even though it feels like it is. I often feel like people would belittle me at work (which does happen) but I'm noticing that my responses to it can change. That it's not my "identity" to be that person. I'm not that 8 year old that had to survive or else.
I just wanted to send you some support and say that you're totally justified to feel whatever is coming up and it's understandable why you don't want the emotions to come up. Sometimes they bring back bad memories that we'd rather forget about how we felt at that time. Therapy is a safe place where you are in control to let them come up though and be with them, and for someone else to witness what happened that is there to help you. We're in control in therapy for what feels safe for us.
I know you said you were interested in mediation and I find these very powerful if you're interested:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sibWahRqX3o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frQVcizEkmI
Have a great day, you're doing great :cheer:
thank you armee and dolly, i did have some drinks last night, but i didn't get drunk. i tried to slow downa bit. today is a new day. i think i will take the dogs to the park. trying not to think about friday. i am going to watch those videos , thank you for sending the links !
I think you are doing great Larry. The days you fall and the days you want to do better for yourself.
A quick note about meditation. I am starting to get back into trying that. It isn't uncommon for people with CPTSD to become afraid or uncomfortable and overwhelmed while even closing their eyes and taking some deep breaths let alone fully meditating. It's ok to just dip your toes in and tolerate what you can then take them out and then try again when you feel maybe you want to keep them in for 5 seconds longer. In other words, you're not failing at meditation if you can't sit with it right away. Just acclimate yourself to it, like you would getting into a cold lake, except even slower.
that is great advice! thank you Armee. baby steps. i just downloaded pete walkers book, might do some reading today.
i really wanted to go to the bar for happy hour, sitting at home alone isn't fun. i did get some new plants today and planted them. just opened a bottle of wine, hopefully just 1 or 2 glasses. Not sure what to do this evening. really looking forward to our busy season. i like working everyday. keeps me busy and out of trouble. My local pub told me yesterday they will not serve me liquor anymore, only beer. not sure that is the answer, but i guess they are concerned.
Hi Larry, not sure that we've met yet. Welcome to OOTS :heythere:
I love that you got some plants today. Are they indoor or outdoor plants?
That does sound like your pub is concerned about you. That has me a little concerned for you as well. It sounds though like a part of you is trying to protect against feeling, which must feel really scary to you. If it helps to know, it's possible for feelings to not overwhelm you, there are ways of reducing their intensity so you don't have to escape.
I hope you're having an okay night!
Hi Owl, they are outside plants, and you are right, i do drink so i don't have to feel or deal with emotions. i use to be so good at not feeling, even though i know it isn't the answer. the last 3 months have been *. i had a really bad EF, really messed things up. since then i have not been able to control or understand all the emotions i have been feeling. been drinking more than usuall, just trying not to feel. i just started therapy, second session is friday.
Trying not to feel is understandable, when it all feels like it's too much. Good for you on having started therapy. I hope it goes well for you on Friday. :thumbup:
thank you ! My T wants me to take lexapro, i don't think i can do that, but i do need to limit the drinking. i had a bottle of wine tonight, maybe tomorrow i can do better.
Hope the reading and the night went well Larry.
It sounds like you're finding things to do to keep busy. It's tough because when we're on our own is when our thoughts have a chance to catch up with us. Even though we try, I don't think we can keep the thoughts out forever, but can learn to manage them and even when sober. You've probably been through a lot and it's understandable that you don't want to revisit those places. You've already done the hard part though by living through it and coming out the other side. It's really strong to be able to do that.
Sending support for today! I just saw this morning that a new plant I rescued has a new leaf. Hope your new plants are happy in their new home.
thank you Dolly ! I just checked on the new plants. they look great, we had some rain last night, the garden is looking good as well. I feel pretty good this morning. I managed to get a little sleep last night. going to have some coffee , and see where the day goes.
I hope you have a great day Larry, full of the things that make you feel good.
thank you armee ! hoping you have a great day as well !!
today was fun ! that hasn't happened in a while. spent the day woth a friend, i don't have many of those. we did have some drinks, i'm home now, 2nd session is tomorrow. i'm kind of scared that i will end up really drunk tonight. i just don't want to feel the anxiety. i don't know what to expect tomorrow. i will probably get emotional, i don't like that. emotions have been so out of control since an EF 3 months ago. the T wants me to take lexapro, she asked me to go to gp and get it. i didn't . just so scared of meds. so scared of everything right now.
Larry, I'm glad that you had an enjoyable day. When I read your posts, I see how hard you are working to find what works for you. This post reminded me of a section in Pete Walker's book that I just re-read about how we may become overtaken by attempts at perfection. I appreciate how he suggests we become self-champions. I hope that you will keep taking each step and find what helps you be a self-champion.
I'm glad you had some fun today :thumbup: Fun is important for our well-being.
I'm sorry the anxiety gets so bad for you. My go to is to distract with Netflix. Is there anything that can provide the part of you that is so scared some comfort?
It's okay that you didn't get the medication. You can talk about your fear with your T tomorrow. You don't have to do anything you're not ready to do yet.
Hi Larry,
Hope the session goes well today and your T should be open to other means than medication. I can understand why it's scary for you to go when you think that they don't get you or why you're scared of it. Maybe you can reach out to your fear parts a little bit and let them know that you're there and listening, and that you're an adult now in charge.
Garden sounds lovely. Plants have always brought me a lot of calm.
dolly
thank you both, session is in an hour from now, i am trying to stay calm. i downloaded pete walker's book, been reading it. really just want this session to be over with !
How did it go today, Larry?
it went great, my T did not want to start trama work, she is getting married today and taking a week off, next session in 2 weeks. we did a few emdr exercises, she had me put feelings and emotions in a safe place for now so we can come back and deal with them later. felt wierd, when i left, i felt like i didn't get anything out of that session. Later at happy hour, i noticed i had no anxiety at all, no hypervigilance, i was happy ! i felt so comfortable !
I also realised my overdrinking has not been a way to cope, i really thin it has been a self harm thing. i have been doing a lot of self harm things , i am so glad i finally recognised that. i think just knowing will help me control it
Larry, thank you for the update. I hope you continue to notice your experience and find things that feel supportive.
Putting your emotions in a safe place seems like wisdom since your T will be gone for two weeks. I have attempted to do that for myself at times. If they (feelings) start to escape the safe place, you can always put them back again. No shame or blame if that happens.
Hi Larry,
I'm glad to hear that your session went ok.
Hope :)
I'm glad you recognized the drinking as a form of self-harm, and that having that frame is helping you understand it better.
Hooray for feeling less anxious and hypervigilant!!!
That sounds like it went well! That's wonderful. I am glad you didn't feel the anxiety afterwards. You're off to a good start with your therapy :cheer:
thank you guys ! i feel so much better, i hope this can last !
Hi Larry,
Sounds like some very positive experiences and realizations - congrats!
dolly
thank you Dolly !
Something you said registered for me, so I'll share that here.
It's in response to your little remark post-therapy session. You said: "i felt like i didn't get anything out of that session." Then you sort of slid in the thought that you did notice less anxiety.
I think that speaks to the essence of how therapy usually works. In order to be effective, it has to almost seem as an undercurrent in a process of developing your new outlook.
In other words, it's not always going to be some spectacular or dramatic fireworks that produces the new outlook. Sometimes it may take weeks to realize that yes, there's a slow response to the therapy that's happening, and it feels okay, or at least what I seem to need.
So I hope you can stay the course, realizing this undercurrent will support you. Even if there are those spectacular moments of realization ahead, you're already starting to find your new way. :thumbup:
thank you woodsgnome, this is my first experience with therapy, kind of did not know what to expect. next session is 2 weeks, my T is taking a week off, I only had 2 drinks yesterday, i feel pretty good today. still having a hard time sleeping. but i have been dealing with that for years. i really want to go join the gym today. i have been putting it off for 2 months. i think if i could make it a habit, i would not want to drink as much..
Wow! Only 2 drinks is great Larry! :cheer:
I bet having an automatic place to go like a gym instead of your bar would really help on those days you want to do something but don't know what to do. I also bet there's a community there too.
I did it ! i joined the gym this morning ! worked out for a while. it felt really nice ! i did have 2 drinks on my way home. going to try not to drink anymore today. i really appreciate all the support !
Wow! Fantastic!!!
Larry, I'm glad you had a positive experience with working out. I hope that you find a routine that works for you.
thank you !! i did have one more drink, only 3 all day. i don't know why, but i feel really good. now if i could just get some sleep, but one thing at a time.
Larry, I agree, one thing at a time. I think we often try to go too big too fast when I am learning that change comes from small adjustments I make consistently over time. I am glad to hear you had a feel good day.
I think it is great that you are able to feel proud of and celebrate your success and not get bogged down by the days that don't go as well. That's a really encouraging sign that you are going to do really well in trauma therapy. Because sometimes you'll be feeling confident like you've got this and then somedays it feels like you are back at square 1 and the feeling of discouragement can be hard. You just gotta pick yourself up and keep trudging and you'll see you didn't land back at square 1, you just paused or fell back one or two squares.
Congrats on stopping at 3! Sleep will improve with time. I highly recommend a weighted blanket when you have the funds and courage to explain to your wife why she gets to sleep under a 20 pound blanket! 😁
Hi Larry,
Congrats on joining the gym - it should help focus your energy and at the same time you get to focus on you and what makes you feel good. :yahoo:
dolly
thank you Dolly !
Monday... feeling good this morning. it has been easier to get out of bed ! i am starting to enjoy most things again. still get a little anxiety around people i don't now. but i feel like i am doing better at recognising it and controlling it. no work today, might go for a bike ride !
Larry, I hope you have an easeful Monday.
thank you rainy !
Hi Larry,
I don't know if you went out for that bike ride you mentioned, but whatever you did, I hope you enjoyed it. I read that you have joined a gym, and that you enjoyed your first session there, that is so great. I'm glad. :thumbup:
Hope :)
I hope you had a nice bike ride :)
thank you all for the support ! i did'nt get that bike ride. i did get a lot done at home. feeling sore from the gym. i had 3 drinks today. i have been doing so much better at not over drinking ! i am working tomorrow. just trying to stay positive. i really want to try to figure out my sleeping , or lack of, but i can't worry about it too much, just feels good to have less anxiety and not be so depressed !
Larry, it sounds like you are setting intentions for yourself and finding ways to reach toward those intentions. I think it is ok if things don't go exactly as you hope as I think they will go in the way that works for you. Thanks for keeping us updated.
Hi Larry,
That sounds great! Going for a walk everyday during lockdown and starting to lift weights really helped me change my focus at different times. Hope it helps you that way too. Glad the anxiety is better as well. Like rainy said, you're learning great tools right now for dealing with anything that might come up.
dolly
you are both amazing and i am so glad you are here ! i am working today, might go for a bike ride after work. i feel like i can go to happy hour and only have 3 drinks. i am ok with that. i just don't want to have 8 , i think i am capable of doing that now. next session is 11 days. T wants to start trama work, whatever that means. but it does sound painful. i have to be careful not to build anxiety or over drink as it gets closer.
Larry, it's cool how much you are noticing. It's hard for me to not get anxiety about what might happen, so I can relate to that future appointment being in your mind.
Hey Larry,
I'll be rooting for you to stop at 3!
It's ok to ask her what she means by starting trauma work.
It's also ok to ask to go really slow.
It's also important to share what is happening with you because they can't read our minds or bodies.
Hi Larry,
Thanks for being here as well and sharing with us :woohoo: Agree with rainy and Armee, you're in the driver's seat with the T and it's ok to have questions and be anxious about starting to work on this. Those are your parts protecting you, just let them know that you're listening and that you want to help them do the best for you. You can always put the feelings back into the box when they get too much. No one here is expecting anything from you.
Enjoy the bike ride!
dolly
stayed out late last night, and gor really drunk, i didn't drive. the wife is not happy with me. i'm not happy with me either right now. trying to put it behind me, not going to drink today. work was ok, just got home. doing some volunteer work at the theater this evening. sesssion 3 is the 19th.
seems so far away,
There are definitely ups and downs as we walk this path. Best wishes working through this time.
thank you , i only had 2 drinks today. i think i have been doing better at controlling things. not sure what happened last night.
I'm happy for you that today went better, Larry. I hope at some point you are able to let your wife see how hard you are trying. I think in her shoes I'd feel a lot better knowing you were taking steps to get better. Until then I wish you lots of luck in keeping things stable so you can lean on her support.
thankk you armee, My T said the same thing. but she said we can do it in time, i got a little sleep last night, having some coffee this morning. i have to work today. next session is a week from tomorrow. not sure why i am so fixed on that.
Larry, I appreciate how hard you are working. For me a huge downfall of what I learned growing up is that I don't accept that I am an imperfect human. You are doing what you can right now and I think that is wonderful.
It is so so so normal to be fixated on the next appointment or the therapist. Totally normal. No worries about that just let it be there.
both of you and everyone else here is so amazing. i feel like with so much support i can do this . i am in a much better place now than i was just 3 months ago. i could not have made so much improvements without all of you !
Quote from: Larry on November 11, 2021, 12:17:22 PM
next session is a week from tomorrow. not sure why i am so fixed on that.
I used to (and still at times) count the days until my next session. It's a bit like swimming under water and then you have a chance to come up for air. I told my previous therapist how much I focused on the next upcoming session. He said that I had been carrying things for so long and I was finally being heard, believed, and receiving care. It made sense that I would look forward to that. Even now, the day of my session feels like the anchor to my week.
thank you notalone, it does feel nice to be heard and understood.
not much to do today. i only had 3 drinks yesterday, didn't get much sleep. had a nightmare, woke up at 2 am and could not go back to sleep. drinking a lot of coffee today. not sure what will happen this evening, i just hope i can stay sober and positive. My wife is getting tired of me screaming in the middle of the night. we are sleeping in different rooms now. i have been yelling bad words in my sleep. and kicking violently for 3 or 4 months now.
I'm sorry nights have been so very tough Larry. There's a lot your brain seems to be trying to work through. Take good care of yourself, you do deserve it and things can get less distressing. Make sure your T knows about the nightmares and insomnia and screaming.
i will, thank you armee, not ready for the next session, but i know i have to do this. trying to stay calm and connected until then
Quote from: Armee on November 11, 2021, 02:02:44 PM
It is so so so normal to be fixated on the next appointment or the therapist. Totally normal. No worries about that just let it be there.
:yeahthat: Totally.
Good to hear that you feel in a better place than just 3 months ago. Forward steps, way to go! :applause:
thank you blueberry !
Hi Larry,
I appreciate what you're going through and thanks for sharing. Nightmares are scary, sending you some support. Hope it's going better today.
Like notalone said, well done for being in a better place than three months ago - congrats! :cheer:
dolly
hey, larry,
i can totally relate to having dreams where i am yelling and kicking/punching. it sounds to me like you are processing some anger subconsciously which you may not be ready to consciously acknowledge it. once i was able to realize and acknowledge some of my emotions surrounding situations, those dreams stopped. i'm hoping the same happens for you.
as others have said, you're working hard on your crapola, and i give you a lot of credit for that. we can only do what we can do, but the more we keep moving forward, the better that picture looks. and, congrats on your march to sobriety. i'm a recovering alcoholic (not saying you are, just that i've had my own battles with the bottle) and i support your efforts and struggles to get clear of that demon. sending love and a hug filled with onward! (if you're ok with that) :hug:
thank you all for the support ! i had a few more drinks than i wanted to last night, but i didn't get black out drunk, sitting at the bar, i don't really now what happend, hypervigilance kicked in, not sure if i was having an ef or just scared to death. i did some grounding excercises, also learned a new one, holding an ice cube in my hand. it seemed to work and brought me back to feeling safe and present. i don't think anyone else noticed except one of the bartenders, she thought i was drunk and acting wierd, i had to explain to her that it was a cptsd thing. everything was ok after that.
i had some crazy dreams, but not a nightmare,
larry, i think you are doing a good job. from what i've learned along the way, using alcohol can be a crutch to get us thru a hard time, or can be a coping mechanism for getting us thru layers of hard times. may i encourage you to keep at it, keep at your recovery. eventually, i have no doubt, you'll recover yourself to the point where the alcohol will simply no longer be needed. i'm glad you found an ice cube to be an effective grounding device. way to make lemonade out of a lemon. well done. :thumbup: in the meantime, do what you can when you can. your pace. i'm on your side with this. love and hugs :hug:
Just want to chime in with my support, too, Larry. I am also trying to drink less, and it's NOT easy - lots of emotions emerging that used to be covered by numbing out with drink (and food, too). I so admire your courage to walk this path. I think most people would choose the easier (less alive, less aware) path. But I think that is more like sleep-walking than living a full life. My belief is that this harder path is going to lead to a far richer one. I am sorry to hear about your nightmares. For me, facing my demons has meant an extremely intense dream-life, with bizarre and vivid dreams emerging since I started digging deeper into my recovery. My therapist said that there is a lot of processing going on while we dream, and she advised that I try to listen to my dreaming self, to learn what it was trying to tell me. So I'm trying to do that. My hope is that my dreaming self is working through some things that I can't do while awake. And I hope this is true for you, too. Sending you tons of support from someone who is on a similar journey....
thank you sanmagic and pipi, i really appreciate everyone here
Last night... i told my wife in a text message to look up cptsd, her response? "are you kidding me " she really thought i was yelling at her in my sleep. so she decided she would yell at me all day yesterday, yelling the things i say in my sleep. that really didn't help. this morning she mentioned therapy, she doesn't know i started a few weeks ago. she want's to talk about it, that is the last thing i want to do
i stayed out late and got really drunk, took a cab home. i don't want to drink so much, i just don't know how to handle everything
I'm sorry Larry that she is taking your night terrors personally. It sounds like you both are very hurt and frustrated and scared.
I hope that one day you can turn to your wife for support, if she is trustworthy and kind.
I think that it can also be hard to find the right stuff on CPTSD so perhaps you could suggest a couple articles that seem to capture its essence for you and share it with her.
I like this one and maybe find one about addiction and CPTSD and insomnia and nightmares. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-complex-ptsd-2797491
thank you armee, she needs to know, but i feel like things are going to get harder , i just want it to go away
I'm sorry Larry, that's really hard. I hope she comes to see what you're going through.
She might be thinking that you're trying to cover up drinking and with time will come to understand that you are dealing with what's behind the drinking.
Lots of support and sun,
dolly :sunny:
had a good day, work was good, went to the bar, drank a little more than i wanted but did not get drunk. my wife wants to talk about my cptsd, i really am not ready for that, it is nice she knows now, she read a little about it. i really want to get some sleep. i know my wife doesn't like when i cuss, scream punch and kick in my sleep. i don't know how i can stop that.
This is really positive to hear, Larry. I hope she can be on your side as she learns more about cptsd. You don't need to tell her your traumas for her to understand the symptoms. I don't tell my spouse about specifics when stuff comes up. I just hug him tight and when he asks what's wrong I tell him it's not something I want to talk about i just want a hug.
Your wife learning and reading about cptsd sounds positive, Larry. It will help her understand, which I hope will help you too.
Larry, I am glad to read your update. It can be supportive to have understanding of CPTSD of those closest to us and I hope that applies in your situation.
thank you everyone ! I hope you all have a great day !
I have been doing good, only had 2 drinks yesterday, i don't know why, but i feel depressed today. i just want to lay in bed all day.
Larry, I find it so challenging to have ups and downs in life. I hope that you find some condor and ease today.
hey, larry,
is there a chance you could have your wife come to a session with you? my thought is it may be easier for her to understand c-ptsd if she hears it from a professional, and also that it might be easier for you to talk to her about it if your therapist is there with you. just a thought - if it doesn't feel good, please ignore, ok?
i do believe that as you continue in your your healing, the nighttime stuff will eventually leave. hang tough, larry. we're here for you. love and hugs :hug:
My wife doens't know i started therapy, i don't think i am ready to tell her, next session is friday. just feeeling bored lonely and depressed. i don't know what to do today. i am so hungry, but just can't eat right now.
:hug:
today... started slow, a little depressed. i did get to the gym. that seems to help. I had 2 drinks at the bar, having one at home now. I really need to find a new job. Just feeloing so confused right now. My 3rd session is friday, coming so fast. my T wants to start trama work, I really don't think i am ready for that. i know i need to do this.
Last night i was at the bar, karaoke night, it was loud, so many people. i have been doing good at managing things. i couldn't do it last night. i was so scared, might have been having a flashback. i had to leave , a few of the bartenders know i have issues. i don't think they really understand. they probably think i am crazy
We know you aren't crazy, Larry. Had the same conversation with my T yesterday. OK so what if you look weird, kind of thing.
Sometimes these things just come up out of the blue and we are jumpy and hypervigilant, or shutdown. It just...is. even as you heal this stuff will still surprise you sometimes but it'll get easier.
Starting trauma work starts with developing coping skills way before you start processing any trauma. Starting trauma work does not mean and should not mean talking about or even thinking about what happened. And YOU and ONLY YOU control the pace. There is no rush. Rushing backfires.
thank you armee!. i just don't like the sound of "trama work" i know i am not ready. i feel like i may never be ready. i am so scared of everything right now.
I get that! I mean jeez my body just manufactured a major freakout yesterday to avoid trauma work! It takes time! I've been in therapy 3 years already. Huge improvements all along but still so much to deal with.
I am so glad you are here, i was so lost a few months ago. i now feel like i have some support. thank you !
Quote from: Larry on November 16, 2021, 05:17:55 PM
My wife doens't know i started therapy, i don't think i am ready to tell her, next session is friday.
ime it's really, really important to go at your own pace when in healing. So, if you don't feel ready to tell your wife, then it's likely you're not ready to do so or some part of you (e.g. an Inner Child you don't even know) is not yet ready to do so.
Quote from: Larry on November 18, 2021, 04:32:50 AM
i just don't like the sound of "trama work" i know i am not ready. i feel like i may never be ready. i am so scared of everything right now.
Maybe you would feel better if Armee's "trauma work" was called "preparatory trauma work" or something?
I really believe that for you just coming on this forum and writing what you think and what you feel is your trauma work. You are taking the steps you are presently capable of taking and you are moving forwards with them. You are preparing the ground work for going a little bit deeper
sometime, when you feel ready. You have also begun therapy. Another big step. You are ready for the steps you are currently taking! :thumbup:
Here are some recovery/healing sayings just for cptsd: "The slower you go, the faster you get there." (As Armee wrote, 'rushing backfires'. My own experience again and again.)
Another one: "Stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation. Take a little peak at something. Stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation."
Often found on here: "Baby steps count."
I am glad you are on the forum, showing yourself as you are including your questions and your fears and worries, but also your empathy for other mbrs. I believe that that also is groundwork, preparation work for looking at harder, deeper stuff later.
hey, larry,
i think the phrase 'trauma work' can be intimidating all by itself. it can put a reality to what you're dealing with, and sometimes those realities are uncomfortable, distressing, or just plain scary. this might be something to tell your therapist so they can make adjustments in how they present ongoing therapy for you.
i agree with the others about going at your own pace. know that you have the power to speed up or slow down your therapy. the therapist is meant to be a guide, but you are the driver.
and, no, you're not crazy, larry. wounded, hurt, scared, unsure - all those things and maybe more, yeah, but that does not equal crazy. you've gone thru a lot, it's taken its toll, and now you're in the process of healing. you've already begun trauma work, for lack of a better term. being here, sharing your story, feeling cared about, supporting others - you're doing the work already.
keep taking care of you the best you can. sending love and a hug filled with comfort and care. :hug:
Larry, I appreciate all that you are sharing here. There is no one way and I appreciate that you are finding what works for you.
all of you are amazing and so much appreciated. your input really helps, i feel a little better today. trying not to think about tomorrow.
Would it be helpful to ask your T, "What is trauma work? What does that look like?" Your concerns, questions, and fears are important. If you are able and willing, it might be helpful to share those with your T.
i will ask tomorrow, maybe i am making a bigger deal out of it than it is. i am just scared to go tomorrow. i know it will help, it is just so painful. i have only had 2 drinks today, might have 1 more, i hope i can sleep tonight
Good luck getting through everything until your appointment. Here are some phrases to consider or practice in your head:
"not yet"
"this is too fast"
"I need to slow down"
"I need your help establishing trust first"
"I'm afraid if we go too fast I will cope by drinking more. Can you help me develop safer coping skills before we start talking about trauma?"
You have the right to ask for what you need. She works for you.
Hey Larry,
Hope the session with T goes well today. Sending you some support.
dolly
thank you armee and dolly, i am a little nervous, and so tired, i didn't sleep much at all last night. i appreciate the support, i will be thinking of all of you today.
I'm sorry you're nervous but it's totally normal. This is your getting to know your T time and it's a mutual finding out about who each of you are in a way. Trust takes time to build and that's ok.
:)
larry, i'm a therapist, i know how all this therapy stuff works, i've been with my T for 2 yrs., trust her completely, and i can still get anxious before a session even when i'm looking forward to having one. there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. therapy can be uplifting, stabilizing, bring you relief, but it can also be draining, painful, and just plain hard. it does get better as you continue to have a good relationship with your T and you feel safe during a session. hope it goes well today. love and hugs :hug:
thank you so much sanmagic ! i am trying to stay positive. i think i am scared most about my emotions. feeling them like this is a little new to me.
I have to leave in 30 minutes, i am just trying to stay busy and not think too much about it until then, planning on going to the gym after.
Hey Larry,
My T reminds me that without fear there's no need for courage. You are showing great courage to get through your fears. That courage is why you're starting to make progress.
We can't do much to lessen your fear, BUT I hope that our support on this forum is helping bolster your courage. You can beat this!
this should've said *and* not but
hope it went well :thumbup:
the session today went ok,, not as hard and painful as i thought it would be. My T seems to think i have a problem with alcohol. we are taking next week off, then starting emdr. sometimes i think i can just do this by myself, just work through things. i am going to try to stick it out for a while and see what happens
Thank you for the update. I'm glad your therapy went well today.
My therapist did some EMDR with me several years ago, it was helpful, and, for me it was a positive experience. It was more of a pain reliever than a pain inducer. It started bringing relief right away. Very positive for me.
Larry, thank you for the update. I hope you find what works best for you.
Congrats :thumbup: for enabling some therapy into your recovery journey.t can seem tempting sometimes to just branch off and do this work alone. This can sound fine, but runs the risks of not having another trusted (super important!) voice for and with you when you run into difficulties.
That's how I've always viewed the formal therapy part in all of this. It's always about my recovery, but the T joins and adds an observer sense and expert guidance to what's going on, in or out of the actual office visit. After all, we spend more time away from those in-person visits.
It's exciting to see your efforts in and out of therapy as you continue discovering better ways beyond your pain. Here's to that continuing -- :hug:
i just got home. i went to happy hour, had a god time. i did not over drink. but the bartneder that was there tonihgt has seen me at my worst. she is almost afraid to serve me. i don't like feeling like everyone thinks i am crazy and drunk all the time. i feel like i have been doing so good. she is polite with me, but i get a bad vibe. i try not to go when she is there. i am working tomorrow. just trying to feel normal
Hi Larry,
Glad you made it through the therapy session. Like woodsgnome mentioned, T's can be a good outside opinion to what we normally experience which can help us put things we're feeling into perspective. Sometimes it can also feel like we're bring criticized for doing the best we can with the tools we were given. I used to think my T didn't like me until I voiced that and she assured me it wasn't the case.
A lot of us have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with the feelings we didn't know how to deal with when we're younger and T's can help sort through those if it's the right fit. Sending you some support.
dolly
:hug:
I'm glad that it went pretty well, Larry with the T on Friday.
It's pretty hard to heal on our own. I mean if you think about it....and I don't know how old you are...but each of us have been trying that for most of our lives with little luck. I tried for 40 years on my own. Mostly just the "move on everything's fine" approach. It didn't work. Even now...in a lot of ways I know more about trauma treatment and dissociation than my T but I still need him to facilitate recovery. I can't do it alone. So keep on going. You deserve to have help feeling better.
i am 50, and feel like i may never really heal. i just want to be numb again
I get it. Right now I'm straddling the line between numb and not numb. I like the joy that comes on the not numb side. And yet my brain keeps me mostly safely on the numb side when things get scary.
just kind of having a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be better
hang tough, larry. we're hangin' right beside you! :grouphug:
There's so much pain and fear and ups and down down downs with this trauma injury. We've all been there many times. Still.
I'm sorry to hear about the tough day. I am here with you.
:hug:
you all are amazing, i did not drink at all yesterday or today. i really don't think i have an addiction, i just like it alot. still dealing with the whole up and down thing. i feel like i don't know what to do , just feel a little lost and confused right now. i am at home, might have just 1 drink.
Wow! Larry! That's fantastic!
:applause: :applause: :cheer:
keep up the good work, larry. you're pretty amazing, too. love and hugs :hug:
i haven't had a drink since saturday, 3 days now. not 1 drink. i don't know why, i think maybe i did it to show my T that i am not addicted. work was ok, not much to do tonight, i am at home. kind of bored
Larry, thank you for sharing this update.
;D
Hey whatever works!!!
Good job, Larry.
Hi Larry,
That sounds positive. Perhaps your T didn't mean it that you were an alcoholic but that the problem was using it to turn to instead of dealing with the feelings that come up, or finding another way to cope with them? It's great that you're able to take a break from it :cheer:
dolly
well done, larry. :applause: as armee said, whatever works. maybe you're also feeling supported here, and that played into it. did you feel different being sober?
just to let you know, i'm 74 and have had those same feelings of there is not enough of my life left to actually lay all the trauma and wounding to rest. i just changed my thinking, tho. every day i tackle these issues is one day of feeling a little bit better than before. even the rough days are the means of processing information to get me to another place of feeling even better.
keep hangin' on - we're with you. love and hugs :hug:
i'm sorry i haven't been here too return all the support, i did have 3 drinks today. only 3. i might have a few more now that i a home. i am working all day tomorrow. i don't really like most holidays, so working i think will help.
Hi Larry,
I hope that your day goes ok, and that work is helpful - I know you don't like most holidays, so I hope work helps. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope !
Hi Larry,
Hope the holiday was ok for you.
dolly
i don't know what to say anymore, i feel like i am stuck , i drank too much last night and walked home, my wife will not talk to me. i didn't drink at all on thursday. i have been so up and down. i don't knw what i am going to do today. i would sleep all day but i can't sleep.
I'm sorry Larry. I feel a lot of pain and confusion coming through.
When's your next therapy session? It feels like they are so far apart!
Larry, I appreciate you sharing. It is challenging to feel stuck. I hope that you find small things to help you feel like you are moving in the direction you would like. I also think it is ok (however very uncomfortable) to not know the direction you are going in.
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry that you're feeling stuck right now. Just want to say that we've all been there - if only we could fast track getting better! Sometimes all we can do is to keep doing the work and go through all the difficult days where it seems two steps back for every one step forward, but after time and chipping away, we do notice changes.
dolly
next session is friday, starting emdr, maybe it was just the holiday thing , i don't know what i am going to do today. i am ready for our busy season. i don't like not working. i drank a lot last night. mostly at home. my wife and i had a good time. i still feel confused and unsure of everything. going to try to go to the gym today.
What Dollyvee said is spot on.
:hug:
I'll hope for a run of decent days for you, Larry, and that once therapy has a chance to really start working that you have more good days than bad. I know I had no idea how much better it was even possible to feel my baseline was so dang low.
thank you ;)
mood swings are out of control lately. i was so depressed yesterday morning, by late afternoon i was feeling so much better. i don't know what changed. just feels nice to not be depressed. my 4th session is tomorrow, starting emdr. i am a little scared, i just want it to be over. sometimes i feel like i can deal with things without therapy, i want to do a few more sessions and see what happens
Larry, best wishes for your session. Today I was reminded that as we start to change ways we have previously coped, everything can feel worse. I hope that you will find things that help you move forward. It's ok to feel scared, myself and others are here with you.
my session otday was very productive. it was hard, a little painful and emotional, but i think i helped a lot. went to the gym after the session, just got home. not sure what i am going to do with the rest of the day. trying not to drink today, i think i had 4 drinks yesterday. next session is a week from today, my T wants to talk about my alcohol use. not really sure how i feel about that
I'm glad the session helped, Larry. :)
:applause: Glad your session went well. And that you seemed to take in what you needed, and the rest will come. Even if you hit some unexpected (or expected) bumps in the road, you seem to have built some resilience, too; always a good sign.
Here's to your continued progress with finding the peace you deserve.
thankk you all for the support !
It can be really threatening feeling when a T gets close to something that you don't want to give up. You're stronger than me because you told your T about how you cope. I still haven't told mine about my thing because I know he'd want to help me fix and stop it. As scary as it seems I wonder too...is it relieving to know there's someone there now who can help you?
it is so relieving, i felt like there was no hope for so long. i don't want to give up my way of coping, but i know i need to. it feels nice to be able to just open up and say anything in my session. i feel like there isn't any judgement.
Larry, just want to let you know that I'm reading your journal and to send you my support.
Not Alone
i tried to drown myself , just a few minutes ago. i really wanted to, i don't know what stopped me. i called my T, she brought me back. i don't know what to do. i am so scared
I'm so glad you called your T, Larry. It was the right thing to do.
Was there anything your T advised you to do? Is there anything you can do to bring comfort to yourself? Maybe hot tea and a soft blanket?
Please know that you're not alone, Larry. We're here, we support you, and we care about you. :hug:
I've seen your post about calling a hotline. That sounds like the right thing to do. Was there anyone your T told you to call in an emergency?
talked with the hotline, they have no clue. i don't feel like they know anything about trama. i am trying to get drunk enought to forget
Calling your T was a really courageous strong step. Good job. Slowly your T will help you build up your ability to tolerate these awful awful feelings, reactions, and flashbscks. Until then go slow and gentle. Trauma is serious. The blowback from trying to heal can be strong. Nice and slow. Slowly you'll feel better. It takes time. But one day you'll see how far you've come...
i really appreciate all of you. i think i was flashing back to being abandoned at 6 years old. it felt terrible, worthless, unwanted. it got to where i didn't want to feel anything ever again. the hotline finally answered, but they were useless, they asked if i wanted them to call the police, that is the last thing i want ! i am going to work, i just want to get through this day
Flashbacks are awful. I get it. I'm glad you're feeling better today. I'm glad you're here.
When are you next seeing your T? It might be helpful to go through what happened with her.
Larry, flashbacks are so painful. It is extremely painful to flash back to those moments. I am thinking of you and hoping you find some ease today.
i really appreciate all of you, my next session is friday. My T told me she wants to focus on my drining. i just don't know what else to do to forget things and not feel emotions
Being triggered into an emotional flashback of being abandoned and unloved is really rough. Recognizing when we are tirggered and in a flashback can be challenging for awhile
Forgetting and numbing our emotions is what keeps us stuck. You'll learn how to feel, slowly, so it doesn't overwhelm you like last night. It takes time for you and your T to learn your window of tolerance. How much you can do before getting overwhelmed or shutting down. Each of us is different.
My window of tolerance is really low, but widening noticeably in the past few months. That makes it easier to do the therapeutic work. We had to work really diligently to get there. You will too.
In the meantime, Bach is right. No shame. Most of us have been there. You had the guts to get help and stay here. I'm proud of you.
I continue to learn from you too, about being vulnerable and reaching out for help. Thank you!
i feel embarrased, but so thankful for all the support
Larry, my experience is that our feelings are so valuable. Even the ones that hurt. We have the misfortune of being taught to ignore our feelings in a more drastic way that most folks. But our feelings help us know it is time to eat, drink, toilet, sleep, or something else that keeps us going. Our feelings also help us love, hate, cry, scream, speak, listen, and more.
It does take time and practice to get to know our feelings and honor them and respond to them in ways that nourish us (even when what is nourishing in the moment is ugly and painful). We are at a disadvantage that we are behind those that might have learned this in childhood.
You are a wonderful human and are building the support network you need to go on this journey.
thank you so much rainy, i really needed to hear this. i feel like i am trying,, but sometimes feel like i am failing. i just want to have fun like everyone else.
Larry, I relate to those feelings and find it so difficult to feel that way. Something I think about a lot is a meditation I used to do where the person talks about imaging that we are carrying around a backpack full of everything that has happened to us. They remind that it took a long time for all that stuff to get in the backpack. And that we can start to take out what we don't need anymore while remembering that may take a long time.
i think my backpack is really full ! lol, i like the idea , i need to try meditation. i had 4 drinks yesterday, hoping to go without today. when i started therapy, i was so afraid to go, a lot of anxiety leading up to my session, now i feel like i need to go. it would be nice to have someone to talk to every day.
Larry, I can relate, my backpack is very full too. I personally find meditation in what most people think of it (like sitting still listening to someone talk or just sitting still) so uncomfortable and don't like it much. Meditation, I am learning, can be anything you do that helps you get into a place where you are present. For me, that usually happens with some kind of movement. We are all different though and I hope you find a way of meditating that works for you. I also think it is really powerful to have space to talk to someone that is supportive and caring and feels safe. I'm glad you found that with the T you are seeing.
i appreciate you !
Hi Larry,
I am popping by to say hello, and I hope that your day is ok :wave:
Hope :)
Larry, I am also stopping by to say hello and that I appreciate you also.
thank you hope and rainy, i am doing ok, i did not drink yesterday, trying not to today. i am starting a new job tomorrow. i am a little scared and embarrassed to see my T friday after what happened the other day. i guess i will deal with that on friday. i need to just stay sober and focused, although it isn't as easy as it sounds. i really don't know how to find a substitute for the way alcohol helps relieve pain and anxiety.
I'm sure your T will be able to help you, Larry. I hope the new job goes well, glad you're doing ok :yes:.
thank you snowdrop !
wednesday.... no drinks today, i did have 1 yesterday, i don't now why, i feel ok, been trying to stay busy. next session is friday. i don't want to go.. it is going to be hard and embarrassing. i am at home, trying not to drink, but i really would like to have just 1. i am so hungry, but i don't want to eat this late. hopefully i can get some sleep tonight.
Larry, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Promise...up and down. Your therapist is there to help, not judge. Many of them have been in your shoes. You have shown your T where you are at and where you need help early in the relationship and that is a huge gift to both of you and makes the work easier for her. I almmost guarantee she will feel closer and warmer toward you because she has seen youb being vulnerable. I am where you are now with my T only after 3 years of putting on a facade. We could not do this work pretending I was fine.
Hi Larry,
Hope your next session goes well and you find a place to realize that you have nothing to be ashamed about sharing these things. It sounds like you've had some big changes recently starting a new job. Hope it's all going well.
dolly
thank you armee and dolly, it's hard not to have these feelings. i just want the holidays to be over, maybe the new year will be good
Larry, this time of year is difficult. I hope that you find some rest and ease.
I agree with the others, Larry. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It will give your T a better idea of how best to help you, which is a good thing.
Would it help to imagine all of us going along to your session with you to give some moral support?
thank you rainy and snowdrop, i will be thinking of you tomorrow,
Hi Larry. I was just thinking of you and your appointment tomorrow. Hang in there. How are you feeling now?
i have been mostly good this week. i had 1 drink on tuesday, i didn't drink at all on monday, wednsday or thursday. i have not been depressed, i haven't had a lot of anxiety. i don't want to admit it, but maybe the alcohol has something to do with that. i am still a little nervous about my session today. i just want it to be over with.
Larry, best wishes for your session today. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing about your journey with alcohol. When I reflect on my relationship to alcohol, I definitely went through several extremely problematic period with it and used it to cope with things I couldn't understand. We are all doing the best we know how and it is ok to walk forward differently if we want.
thank you rainy !
i did not like therapy today, my T talked for an hour about alcohol dependency and AA. i told her i only had 1 drink all week long, i went 3 days without any alcohol. didn't seem to matter. i might take a break from therapy and try again after the holidays. i know 1 good week is only a start, but i really don't think i am addicted.
That sounds like a difficult experience Larry.
it was difficult, but maybe she is right, i can go a few days without drinking, but i always go back to it. i had 2 drinks last night, then i drank a bottle of wine. i slept good, maybe 5 hours, emotions have been confusing lately. i ind of feel lost again
Larry, it hurts to feel lost and confused. You are a good person and are doing a lot of hard work. It's frustrating because this work is a lot of back and forth and constantly shifting and moving. The shifts within ourselves can feel small but each one adds up over time.
it'a amazing how you understand what i am going through better than i do. i really appreciate you being here !
Larry, I appreciate that the words I use seem to fit. I don't think you should undersell yourself in knowing what you are going through - I think it just takes practice finding the words. I learn a lot from watching and reading and listening to others describe their experience. Also, I find that sometimes words don't fit. Images, memes, lists, songs, music, nature, poetry - sometimes something else captures the feeling in a way words in a sentence don't.
Hi Larry. If hugs help you, one's down at the bottom.
That sounds like a really unpleasant therapy session. Sometimes therapists show us things about ourselves we don't want to see and sometimes they can be wrong. You get to listen to what she says and decide what is right for yourself.
And I wonder if it's more helpful to think of it as an unhealthy relationship with alcohol instead of addiction. Because you're right....you did really well last week not using alcohol. :cheer:
At the same time if you read through your journal you'll see that you say you use alcohol as a way to not feel things and to cope with emotions and sometimes you want to stop.
Either way, we're here to support you. Dealing with addiction or self harm or unhealthy coping....most of us have been or still are in that space. Sometimes the emotions are too much!
:bighug:
thank you so much armee and rainy.
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. I think I was quite similar when I started therapy in university. I was an emotional mess and everything was all over the place. It felt really different from the person that I knew myself to be. My internal compass felt way out of whack and took a long time to get back on track. I think when we've been coping in a certain way for so long it becomes really messy when we can no longer do it that way and have to face some uncomfortable truths about our lives which don't seem to make sense with what you know. IMO alcohol might be adding to that confusion as it can throw you more off balance when these things are coming up.
My second therapist suggested al-anon to me as my dad came from an alcoholic family and a part of me freaked out. I think it was being around a group of people and having to show these emotions to them that felt so overwhelming. There was also a part that felt like I'm being sent for treatment and I must be the problem, but how can I be "punished" or "wrong" when I felt like I was the normal one in my family? Looking back I think my t suggested it as a way to get me in touch with other people who might be going through similar emotions and experiences that I was who also might be supportive of what had happened.
I don't mean to hijack your thread, just wanted to share some experiences which might be similar to what's coming up for you.
Hope you're managing to find some ease going through this.
dolly
thank you dolly, that makes snese, i know things will get better, and i know alcohol is at most a temporary escape, and probably just making things worse. i didn't drink at all yesterday, haven't today, i really am trying to find a new way to handle everything.
monday... good day at work, only worked a half day. i did not drink yesterday or today. not even 1. still a little up and down emotionally, i did not make an appointment this week with my T. not sure what i am going to do,, we did some emdr a few weeks ago and it seemed to be helpful. just this last session.... maybe i will wait until after the holidays.
Larry, it can be tough to figure out what is supportive to your journey. I hope you keep finding what is right for you.
thank you rainy, i am also trying to learn how to support myself, i was stuck in a pattern of self destruct for too long. i am trying to be good to myself, i have not had a drink since saturday, and it feels good. i am working this afternoon.
Larry, I can relate as I have been self-destructive most of my life. I can tell you are working toward caring for yourself and sometimes care means doing things that feel difficult. For me it felt odd to do this, but it is really important to get to know and care and love yourself. I am here cheering for you and hoping your day goes as well as it can.
:wave:
I hipe your day is good Larry.
thank you rainy and armee, today was ok, i did have 1 drink, i really wanted to go 5 days, but i am not to dissappointed with 1 drink. i am not working tomorrow, but doing some volunteer work at the community theater. now if i can just get some sleep !
Wishing you a night of peaceful sleep. I can say after 6 years of insomnia and an average of 3-4 hrs sleep a night for that whole period...good sleep makes a huge difference. But wishing it so doesn't make it so, so I'm wishing you luck that you are gifted with rest tonight.
I also hope that you can find a comfortable way to return to therapy even though her approach to addressing alcohol with you was not helpful for you. At the same time that it's important to listen to yourself and make a change when there is not a good fit, there are lots of times in therapy that things don't go well and there can be value in sticking with it through the bad parts, but it's definitely important to trust yourself.
I can share more about my experience with that sometime somewhere not in your own journal if it's ever helpful.
Your doing a lot, Larry. You'll get there.
thank you armee ! i will give it another try. i know i still have a lot of work to do, and i know my T is right about the drinking, i guess i just didn't like hearing the truth. she just wanted me to get as much support as possible. maybe i will text her today and make an appointment. i slept for 5 hours last night, and feel prety good.
Larry, someone once told me that feedback can be like having a gold coin thrown at you. When it hits it hurts and eventually we might realize the value of what has been said. I'm not sure I like this analogy but I do think there are times where someone's honesty can be helpful to us. I hope that you continue to find ways to feel your best.
thank you rainy, that makes so much sense. today was mostly good, only had 1 drink, not sure why i even drank it, but i feel good about the past few days. i think i am ready make another appointment with my T. maybe i will text her tomorrow
I'm proud of you Larry. :hug:
Larry, you are doing a lot of hard work. It is difficult to change how we do things and to feel all that we feel as people. You are doing so well.
thank you both for all of the support ! ;)
saturday.. i didn't drin at all yesterday or today. only 4 drinks since last saturday. i did a lot of volunteer work today at the community theater. i really hope i get busy at work soon. it really helps if i stay busy.
Larry, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed volunteering and are feeling good about the drinks. I hope that your weekend is going well.
thank you rainy, yesterday was nice, and i only had 2 drinks. hoping to get busy at work soon. didn't get much sleep, but that is kind of normal for me.
i did not get a tree yet, maybe today. i am a little worried about this week. i really am trying to stay focused on the present. maybe i can actually enjoy this christmas.
Larry, I can relate to this time of year being so difficult. I have found that getting a tree and decorating and trying to enjoy some seasonal things can be really supportive.
i haven't had a tree in 15 years, maybe this is the year ! i am going to go to home depot later today, that's the only store we have here, maybe they will have something
Hi Larry,
I hope you are able to find a tree you like - having your first one in 15 years is special.
Hope you find one.
Hope :)
:cheer:for Christmas tree 🎄 that might be just the thing to set a different tone for the holidays. :hug:
thank you both ! i need to get over the holiday thing and try to enjoy it. i think my dogs would like a tree !
things are really hitting me hard today. TW, the last time i saw my F was christmas day, when i was almost 7 years old. i never saw him again, maybe for the best, but i never got over being abused and abandoned, he re married and had 2 more kids, and never looked back. i want to try to like christmas, but all i can do is cry
Larry, I appreciate you sharing that experience and history. I'm sorry that happened and this holiday is such a huge reminder of past hurt. That's a lot to have been carrying since being such a young child. It's ok to not like this holiday, it's ok to cry, it's ok to begin creating new ways to experience this holiday, and it's ok to care for 6-7 year old you in whatever way you can. There is much more that is also ok and I hope you keep finding those things that are ok for you.
thank you rainy, i am such a mess right now
:hug:
I'm sorry. That's so painful and no we order this holiday hurts so bad.
Larry, I hope that you found a bit of rest and it is ok if you did not. It is understandable that a lot of pain and anger is coming up. I am proud that you are facing this and trying to find will help you feel better.
i am so appreciative to have all the support from everyone here. it really helps
Larry, I've been reading your posts on other threads. I think it is completely understandable how you feel. It is ok to feel all the light and dark feelings yet it can be really overwhelming. I think you've done a lot of helpful work for yourself and I have found the result of that can be the unlocking of long held feelings and thoughts and images and experiences inside of us. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, you are taking important steps that I believe will lead you to a place you want to be.
thank you rainy, i am trying to get there, i'm not sure why i had such a hard time the other day.
i only had 2 drinks yesterday. not sure what i am going to do today. my wife stays up all night and sleeps most of the day, kinf of bored sitting around the house.
:wave:
However you spend the day I hope it is in a way that brings you joy.
thank you armee !! ;)
i don't even know what day it is, around 4: 30 am, can't sleep. the next few days are going to be helll. i really am trying to like christmas, but it brings up so many things. i really just want to sleep. i a so tired. i seem to have more nightmares this time of year. should i even try to sleep ? or ahould i just make another drink
Maybe you don't need to like Christmas right now. Just get through it in one piece, maybe with distraction, a nice trip somewhere, over exercising etc. It must be so hard to have the holiday so closely tied to your trauma because it is everywhere you turn and everyone wants to wish you a merry one. I'm sorry Larry. :grouphug:
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry this time is so difficult for you. There's so much pressure on everyone this time of year to be this idea of a family and a lot of us didn't have a family like that.
Maybe your wife and you can start your own Christmas tradition that makes the holiday your own? Something for you two that doesn't matter to anyone else, just what makes you feel good?
Thinking about you over this time :hug:
dolly
thank you so much armee and dolly, i am so glad to have found both of you. you both always say just what i need to hear,
:wave:
Thinking of you out here, Larry. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.
thank you armee, i hope you have a great weekend !
:hug:
thank you dolly, i nedeed that
i drank way too much last night, i had to work this morning, sitting at home , i don't know what to do. i am lonely and bored, but i don't want to drink. i would sleep if i could.
Maybe a nice long walk before or in between drinks?
Larry, I haven't commented much this week but have been here with you. I am wishing you a gentle rest of the day and weekend.
Anytime Larry I hope you find something calming to do :hug:i
i really appreciate all o f the support, it really helps. i feel better this mornng, not sure what to do with the day.
:cheer:
Making it through the day deserves to be celebrated. I'm glad you are here.
thank you armee ! i am really trying to make the new year a better year. i know it will happen. i think i will give therapy another try. just trying to take things slow, i feel good today, i don't like the days when depression takes over, i really want to learn how to deal with that in a healthier way.
You have the motivation, now it's just a matter of time and practice with the help of a good therapist. For me I used to get really frustrated because I'd think I was trying and wanted to get better and thought I was and then I'd get slammed back into the same symptoms over and over and over. But over time I've learned to see those moments where I'm taking two steps backward as another chance to practice what I have learned and to accept those moments. When I fought them and thought "I shouldn't be like this" or "I thought I was better" it would invariably make those backwards steps worse. It truly is just a process of taking a bunch of tiny shuffles forward, a couple giant falls backward, another tentative step forward and repeat. It's just that every once in awhile something huge clicks and you get to leap ahead so the next time you fall back it isn't to the same starting point.
You'll get there, it just takes a lot of hard work and patience and perseverance. Along the way lots of things improve though.
Good job. You got through the worst day and the new year will be a little better. Keep going.
;) thank you so much for all the support armee ! i really needed to hear this. i am so lucky to have everyone here.
Perhaps I missed it, but did you drop the T you'd previously mentioned? Therapy sometimes isn't close to fulfilling its promise, given that T's are so disparate in their approaches and in-person relationship with their clients. And the key to remember is -- it's always about the client, regardless of the T's pet approach -- so it helps if they're flexible, and definitely not full of themselves. I have one who's terrific, but it took quite a while to find her.
Regarding 'dealing' with the everyday depressive crashes, it takes a lot of practice, but acceptance helps. And I mean acceptance that the really bad things are done with, and live only in another time and place. Of course it's the awful memories try to hang on, and in most instances can't be wholly discarded.
What I try to do is imagine that I own a 2-screen movie theatre, running continuous shows. Show #1 is the old one, and I've let its imaginary equipment run down, don't clean it or update anything. The only patron left is those memories but I have some assistance there -- my new alternative theatre #2.
This second one is where I try to focus any new activity -- starting with a new, ongoing script. Unlike the first movie, run by others (the memories), in this theatre I write the script, produce and direct all aspects of the show, perform as the main character, and is constantly being updated. Sure, it's fantasy but the imagery works for me.
That's the place it appears you're at, Larry -- still setting up the brand new, second movie you're now in charge of. You accept the old flick, sure; but it's over there, in rundown theatre #1.
Alright, just an example of how my mind functions with this. My inspiration for it comes from an old book's ("Taming the Gremlin") advice to "play with options". Play -- with your inner child :bigwink:. It may not be the sort of thing everyone is drawn to. We're all so individual with our own quirks and attitudes. I just threw an example from my coping in here, hoping it might prove helpful.
There is optimism, though -- you seem well aware, and awareness is always the starting point. I hope you keep at it :hug:
thank you so much woodsgnome, that makes a lot of sense. I haven't dropped my T, just took a few weeks off. the last session was dissappointing, she talked about AA for an hour. she just wants me to get as much support as possible. i did have a few really productive sessions, although they were painful and emotional. i will give it another try. maybe i will text her today and se what is available.
monday.... worked this morning, going to the gym this afternoon. doing some work at the community theater this evening, hopefully that will keep me out of trouble.
Hi Larry,
Hope you managed to find some comfort in keeping busy today.
dolly
thank you dolly, i have been doing pretty good, i hope i can keep it going !
Hi Larry,
Your day sounded busy, and I'm glad to hear you've been doing pretty good. That's great. :)
Hope :)
you've got lots of support here to keep going and feeling good. keep up the good work - i know it's tough to look inside ourselves at times. kudos to you for showing such courage. love and hugs :hug:
i am so thankful for all of the support from everyone, i really need to try to give some support to others, you are all amazing and appreciated !!
I love this place because we are fully accepted and able to be just as we are, unlike any other place in our life. Really. You are giving support just by being here and being you and open and honest.
Hi Larry,
I have been reading but not posting (that old fear...). I just wanted to say your openess and honesty are so brave and inspiring (but I know it probably doesnt feel that way). I struggle with similar issues too, and I know how hard they are....your writings helped lessen my shame, seeing someone so brave struggle too. I hope to gain the courage to start my own Recovery Journal soon.
It seems you have had some good days lately.....I hope you are feeling better. I could see more joy in your words the last few posts and was so happy! You are working so hard and this is definitely the place to be supported and included. Things will go up and down, but you will always get support here. And without knowing it, some of us are encouraged just by your honesty and willingness to keep pushing on. So thank you for sharing your story.
Finding Peace
Quote from: Larry on December 29, 2021, 02:19:32 AM
i am so thankful for all of the support from everyone, i really need to try to give some support to others, you are all amazing and appreciated !!
I totally get this Larry :)
I feel guilty getting support and not reciprocating ... but Armee is right and you are accepted just as you are. Much peace today Larry!
:yeahthat:
these past 2 mos. have been difficult for me, and i haven't been able to reciprocate the way i used to, and that was hard. since i was the giver all my life, to receive and not give back hits my mind in a guilty place. you are not alone in these feelings, larry. we'll just keep pushing through, cuz that's what this place is here for - support and acceptance no matter where we're at. love and hugs :hug:
;)
thursday.... the new job has been ok, i have not been over drinking. i havent had a therapy session in 3 weeks. not sure if i will see my T again. i really want to get back to suppressing emotions and memories. i think i was happier when i could do that. i really do not like emotions. i don't want to feel them, they come up at the wrong time. i don't even know what i am feeling or why i am feeling them. i really wish i could dissociate on demand
The beginning is really really rough, Larry. Know that. It's not just you. It's especially rough if therapy is not frequent enough because you are left to flounder through it alone, and yeah...temporarily worse off than before.
It's hard to compare because all of our experiences are different in severity but I know there are others here with some pretty tough pasts that have gone through therapy and come out the other side in a much better place.
Speaking for myself, while going through therapy has been seriously dysregulating to the point I began hallucinating terrible things, I would never ever ever go back to how I was before therapy. I would go through the very worst parts of therapy all over again without hesitation. My biggest regret is waiting until I was 40 to start because those were 20 years that I could have spent feeling good, you know? What a waste. It has not been easy. Not at all. But there's no way other than through it. You've only had 2 or 3 sessions right? Give it time, Larry. Go regularly. I care about you and you deserve to feel better, not just numb.
larry, i agree with armee and everything she said. may i just add that it came to my mind maybe you are not with the right therapist at this time. from what you've written, it may be that you need someone who is more in tune with trauma and the painful emotions/memories that are being brought up. your T might be going too fast for you, pushing you in a direction you're not quite ready for. i don't know what kind of therapy your T has been trained in - are they trauma-informed? as always, tho, you can tell your T to slow down, you need a different direction, and that small steps would be most helpful rather than taking on these big issues on their surface.
as a recovering alcoholic, i do know how alcohol can help avoid the pain and hurt of our past. it can be a wonderful painkiller. it seems to me it could be the best coping mechanism you have right now. it's easy to be overwhelmed by what's happened to us, and digging at it too deeply or too quickly can hurt us, encourage us to retreat to coping mechanisms that have helped us thru life until the present. i hope you don't give up on therapy altogether. it's taken some time, experimentation with therapists, but i've finally found the right one for me, and her trauma awareness and willingness to go slow, change course, help me get thru the pain (still helping me with that after 2 years) is what's making that difference for me to continue.
sending you love and a hug filled with empathy for what you're going thru. i've been there. :hug:
;) thank you both, i feel mcuh better this morning. i only had 2 drinks yesterday. not working today.
Larry, I hope your day is easeful.
thank you rainy !
saturday ? i dont even know wat day it is, i had a good gym session today, but i am so confused right now. it is almost 1 am, i have to work tomorrow at 6 am, i really don't care anymore. i will probably be there on time, but not really concenrned about it. i want to do a good job, but just don't feel it right now.
hang tough, larry. you'll get thru this. we're hangin' with you. love and hugs :hug:
:hug:
Hi Larry,
I hope that it's going ok - I think it's more disorientating at this time of year, with New Year and everything - and you were up for work very early. I really hope you're ok, and sending you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope ! i am not working tomorrow, trying not to drink tonight. i did have 3 drinks earlier today. i am ok with that, i feel like i have some control rightnow. i am toired of counting drinks, i don't think i am going to do that anymore,
I support you in not counting. You know when it has veered into a level that is not helpful for your long-term healing.
Enjoy your day tomorrow!
;)
Hi Larry, I wanted to check in and say hello.
hi rainy, thank you ! i have been pretty good. i have not over drank since christmas eve. mood swings have been a little more controllable. i'm not sure if that has anything to do with drinking less, I still get a little depressed now and then, but i think i have been able to deal with it better.
I haven't heard from my T. i don't know if i will continue therapy or maybe find another T. I live on a small island, there are only 2 therapists here with trama experience. Things have been slow with work but busy season is coming ,
Thank you for checking on me rainy ! I hope you have a great day !
I'm glad to hear you are finding your way in the new year.
:wave:
There's no harm in checking with both Ts and seeing who will be a better fit, or no fit at all. :hug:
i know i shouldn't give up on therapy yet, i have only had 4 sessions, i need to give it a chance. maybe i will call today...
Hi Larry,
Glad to hear you're doing well in the New Year. My t takes a break over Christmas and it could be that yours might be on one too which is why you haven't heard back from them.
I think Armee made a good point that these things usually take a lot of time.
Sending you support :cheer:
dolly
thank you dolly ;)
hey, larry, hope you have good luck with your therapist hunt. best to you in finding a good fit. glad to hear you're doing better, too. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
Just popped by to wish you the best for the weekend.
:hug:
Hope :)
i really appreciate all of you ! Thank you !
Hi Larry,
Hope you're good :)
dolly
I am good, i know it isn't the right way, but i am getting better at blocking emotions, i did that for several years before i had that EF 6 months ago. maybe i will try to process things again, but for now, i am just happier not feeling things.
Thank you for checking on me !
:hug:
If I had known what I was getting into when I started I probably would have said "no thank you" too. We're here for you, therapy or no.
:yeahthat: hope you have some peace today Larry!
thank you armee and phil ! if my T calls me, i will probably do another session, but i just don't feel like reaching out to her right now.
I did not drink at all today, i have been really good at limiting myself, and not over drinking. i don't believe i am addicted, just had a bad 6 months of trying to run from things and forget. I am so glad to feel like i have moved on for now.
It's so encouraging :applause: to see how you've been processing so much pain, listening more to what your heart is telling you, rather than heading off for another drink, or two, or more.
Being self-aware, as you're demonstrating, seems like a huge part of the battle. Yes, the T sessions can be up, or down, or neutral -- but that hasn't stopped you from relying on your inner self as much as anything external.
Knowing you can do that is a huge step towards fulfilling your hopes of finding meaningful peace and healing.
:hug:
:cheer:
You are managing really well, Larry.
(Also I don't know if you reached out to your T and are waiting for a response but if not, as a general practice therapists do not chase after clients or try to convince them. They won't make that first contact to see if you want to come back. So please don't take it as a sign she doesn't want to work with you if she doesn't reach out) ❤
well done, larry. :thumbup: keep up the good work! love and hugs :hug:
thak you for all of the support !
Maybe i should text my T, i think i have just been stubborn. we did have a few really helpful sessions.
sometimes it takes a little time/distance in order to see more clearly. it sounds like you're coming out the other side with some of this, larry. good job! :thumbup: sending love and a hug full of support :hug:
thank you sanmagic !
i haven't called my T yet, maybe tomorrow. i think she will be suprised at how well i am managing not over drinking. she has a lot of experience with addiction recovery and she did not think i could cut back and drink socially on my own. i think that gave me some motivation. i know she just wanted me to get as much support as possible.
good for you, larry. from what i've learned, 2 drinks/day is what our body can safely manage without damage. being in the addiction arena, i can see where your T would be thoroughly concerned about imbibing alcohol, especially to excess. i'm glad for you that you've had some good sessions with her and are thinking of going back. here's hoping you continue on this healthy path of recovery - recovering your self. love and hugs :hug:
Larry, I'm glad you are finding a balance with drinking that feels right for you. I have found it helpful to have people outside of our regular circle that can witness us in all of our states and show us they still accept us. I hope you find someone like that as well as things that help you feel at ease.
i am having such a hard time tonight, little things are really pissing me off, i don't know why, i just want to get drunk and forget everything
:hug:
I guarantee there's a trauma trigger behind how you are feeling right now.
I'm sorry you are going through this, Larry. Just remember this horrible feeling will eventually crest and then pass. Hang in there.
not really sure what happened last night, i feel better this morning.
Quote from: Armee on January 14, 2022, 04:59:03 AM
I guarantee there's a trauma trigger behind how you are feeling right now.
:yeahthat:
i really need to learn to recognise when that happens, maybe it would help me deal with things a little better. i don't really know what could have triggered me.
My experience is that it can be really tricky to know why although sometimes it can be obvious. It does take practice. I am going to try to put into words my experience and it is ok if it isn't helpful or supportive to you.
For me, it can be anything from a facial expression or tone of voice or body position to something familiar about a situation (like a place or event that happened before). I don't remember exactly how/when I started noticing.
I think it began with just noticing when I was feeling out of control inside. I began to notice how my body was feeling. I started paying attention to thoughts that were coming up. And pretty soon I could begin seeing patterns and making connections to things that happened to me in the past. Initially it really helped me to say "I am safe" to myself.
All of this is very uncomfortable. It often helps me to either write out all of my ugly thoughts in a journal or do something like yoga. I actually wrote out a list of things that help me feel better and it also includes things like drinking tea or reaching out to my one trusted friend.
I still don't get it right a lot. I have been deeply triggered of late and didn't even realize it until this week. I think there are just layers and layers and layers of things stored in our bodies that it comes up at different times and in different ways.
Hi Larry,
I'm glad you're feeling in a better place. My own thoughts about your t (and just my opinion) is that given your s****** attempt and thoughts, they were probably very concerned about what might happen if you didn't get all the help you could. Perhaps the feelings of being put down and lesser than are coming from another time/ person/situation earlier in life?
It's great progress that you've managed to cut back to two drinks - or just cut back if you want to.
Sending you support,
dolly
i agree with rainy - our minds and bodies have been storage vats for trauma and all things related. it can be truly difficult to be able to pick and choose what the trigger is related to. i think that's where working on ourselves, whatever form that takes, can be helpful. the more we get to know ourselves, the more we're able to recognize what's going on with us. best with this, larry. love and hugs :hug:
thank you san, dolly and rainy, i am so glad to have all of you here,
i don't know why, but i feel a little depressed today. it is so confusing, i feel like i need to make some changes, but i have no idea what to change.
That's an important voice to start to listen to. You don't need to figure it all out yet, just listen and observe it. This whole process of feeling better after a life of ignoring and suppressing takes a long time. Just noticing things...like noticing you feel depressed right now or feel like you need to make a change...that's big progress that leads eventually to bigger progress.
i think i have been dissociating a lot the last few days, not sure what i have been doing, just feel a little out of touch. i really just want to get some sleep.
Hi Larry,
Congrats! This sounds like a big step in recognizing what's going on internally and identifying the emotions that are coming up which maybe you hadn't looked at before. Maybe other things will come up too and you might begin to see what you need in order to feel safe and secure ie: more space, more support etc.
dolly
Larry, I am learning how we don't have to manage and deal with everything on our own. We have the hard job of learning to care and love ourselves in ways we didn't get before. As we show ourselves more love and care and understanding, we can begin to see ways others may help us even just by being there when we are at low points. I value you very much and appreciate that you are in my community.
;)
hey, larry,
that's the thing about recovery - it doesn't always go in a straight line. we can go along feeling pretty good, then a big dip. know that those low points will pass. i think you're doing really well. love and hugs :hug:
all of you really make me feel better. i am not going to give up. yesterday i couldn't say that. everyone here is so supportive and inspiring. i love all of you !
sunday night.... feeling lost and confused, but doing ok. i have been drinking a little more than i would like. i just don't know how to replace what alcohol does for me. i haven't had a session in 4 or 5 weeks. i think i should try again. it was hard and painful, but i think it helped. i just don't know what to do. i want to just leave everything behind me and move on, but it doesn't seem to work like that.
I'm glad to hear from you...I've been worried about you, a little.
Can I ask...
You keep saying maybe you will try therapy again but then you don't contact your T....what do you think stops you from taking that step...of actually scheduling an appointment? There's lots of good reasons to not want to do that, I'm just curious what your reason is right now?
Once when I was in running away mode...I was going to therapy but avoiding the trauma parts, just trying to find ways to beat myself into trying to keep helping my mom despite everything. I was doing everything to avoid facing the traumas. Finally T texted me saying I could keep running, I could keep staying busy cleaning the house and working and doing everything else, keep playing piano until I'd crash at 2am, but eventually...I was going to get tired and I was going to need to stop running away. I was still pretending like I didn't know what he was talking about, I wasn't running away or avoiding, there was no trauma. He said that probably about 2 years ago. I finally have stopped running. I'm standing still. It took me 43 years and I'm just too exhausted to keep avoiding it. I tried to sweep it all under the rug, pretend everything was OK, move on, deal with it on my own, etc. I cannot anymore.
You, too, you will get tired.
My biggest regret in life is that I waited so long to get help. I had no idea I could feel so good and be so peaceful and happy. I can't believe I wasted so many decades being not ok. Makes me sad.
But therapy is scary and threatening too. There has to be some part of you that wants to keep fighting to get better for it to work, to keep showing up no matter how hard, scary, and uncomfortable it is. No one else can make you want to go.
Hi Armee & Larry,
I don't want to hijack Larry's journal but wanted to say that this is a good question, not an easy one, and something I struggled with too. For me, I was already in therapy, but looking back, was so gaslit and/or afraid of being without them that I didn't know how to really help myself. It took 10 years before I began to look at the fact that my past t had mentioned that my m was a narcissist, and it was another couple years before it sunk in that what happened was actually abuse. Somewhere inside I always believed I was the bad one or doing something wrong, and I think that's a big impediment to getting better.
Anyways, I too am glad you're still on the forum and getting help Larry. It's not an easy path and it's also never a straight line.
dolly :hug:
thank you both, i really don't know what is stopping me from making that appointment. i feel stuck right now and i don't know what i want or need.
Hi Larry,
I wonder if you're battling your inner critic right now, the one that's saying it's your fault your not like everyone else, you don't deserve to be happy because how much you've screwed up, your not normal etc like everyone else? These critical voices are the training we had as kids to keep our behaviour in line so that we were safe and able to survive, but it doesn't mean that what they're saying is in anyway true. It's just conditioning.
There's also a big fear that I felt at least, and why I think it took so long to really dig in and start looking at things, about what would my life be without (them) this? I didn't have any experience of being on my own and feeling confidence in the things that I did, even though I had shown resilience and that I was able to survive as an adult. Being in therapy helped a lot with that, to be able to bounce this stuff off of t and see that I was actually accomplishing things and to be able to pick out what were old fears/fears relating to my family and what was actually happening/what I was able to do. I wasn't given a reality growing up and it was hard to imagine one without my family when the world was "such a scary place."
Please disregard if any of this doesn't fit for you Larry, each of us has our own way to heal but just wanted to put it out there in case some of it made sense.
Sending you support,
dolly
:bighug:
Just keep listening in to what your innermost person is telling you.
;) thank you, i really thought i was doing better. i thought i was getting past some things. i thought i didn't need therapy. seems like everything crashed all at once
Larry, in my experience we go back and forth in how we feel. It is difficult to go back and forth. I hope you keep finding things that help with the back and forth.
i just don't like being like this, sometimes i feel like i am not wanted or accepted. it is hard to be around people, but really depressing to be alone
I feel that way too, Larry. It's actually not true. It sounds a lot like you are in an emotional flashback right now. Sending lots of support as you ride this one. It will pass. Ride through it. It's not your fault.
thank you armee, i really need to ge better a recognizing ef's. i feel so alone and unwanted right now. i don't want to drink, i just don't know how to deal with things right now.
hey Larry... you aren't alone or unwanted.. but I understand how you feel.
I posted something up in my office as a reminder.. "if you want a different result, try something different", and another one "be thankful always"....
It is here alone that I have the worst times. I wonder what positive things you can remind yourself...what you have overcome, what reminds you of the goodness you have.
It's a little trick anyway.. sorry if not helpful .... I also tend to spoil myself a little on these days.. just small rewards- favourite sweater, a big piece of pie lol. You deserve whatever kindness you can muster for yourself. Hope your day gets better
thank you phil.
Larry, you are doing hard and important work. I hope you find things that help feel safe and at ease.
thank you rainy ! it is a constant struggle, but i feel like i am doing better, most of the time
Quote from: Larry on January 27, 2022, 03:26:29 AM
i just don't know how to deal with things right now.
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry you're feeling that way right now. I think when we're going through big changes we do feel unsettled and a lot of those feelings come up. I would say that it seems like the stuff is coming up for a reason and the old ways of handling things are not a good fit for you anymore. It doesn't mean they were bad, just that they helped you at a certain time and now it's a different time in your life. Usually it will become clear to you that can't put them back in the same box and keep doing the same things expecting a different result. What is the new result? Well, that's not the easy part and can definitely see from my own experience where they get the phrase doing the work from. T's can be good helping you shape that but sounds like maybe you need to build up a good base of trust with your t and ask her what her intentions were for asking you to go to AA, tell her how you felt about that, and see what she says. That might be a good starting point but just my two bits.
Sending you support for all the work your doing :cheer:
dolly
;)
Hi Larry,
It's something my t has suggested to me on a couple of occasions before where I felt like I knew what was going on in the situation. It really helped to set boundaries for what was going on and see what they actually thought. I've also done it with my t as well where I was sure she didn't like me and her response was quite the opposite. I think it helped the relationship a lot.
Just my experiences and do what you have to do for you. Have a good weekend, d
thank you dolly ! i am really trying, things have been difficult. i have been dissappointed with myelf, drinking more than i would like i don't know what else to do.
I bet it's still a really hard time of year for you? A month from when your dad, left, right?
I remember the times my stepdad left and how hard those first few months were. It's not just the leaving part that hurts kids, it's also all that turmoil in the aftermath and the wondering and the effects on the other parent.
I think it makes a lot of sense that you would be struggling right now during this time of year. I'm just sending you some strength to be kind to yourself and take whatever step feels the most healing to you. I can't quite imagine that quitting alcohol would be possible without having additional supports in place to cope with what alcohol has been masking, so I'd encourage you to be kind and gentle to yourself as you think about what might be needed to get to a place where you can reduce alcohol to an amount that feels healthier to you.
Hey Larry,
I think you are trying too! And I don't mean it to come across as you're not. So, my apologies if it has. I've heard some of the things you've said about where you thought your t was coming from and how you felt about that. I wanted to say that I empathize with what you've said and felt like I've been in a similar situation, but I could be reading that wrong. When you mentioned that you thought your t was against you, it made me think of the time I thought my t was against me. So wanted to share how good it was to ask her directly about it and maybe that was something that might help you too.
I'm sorry that you're feeling hard on yourself at this time. No one is a perfect person and you have just as much right to be in this world as everyone else. Sending you support for what you're doing . None of this stuff is easy so please be proud that you are doing the work.
dolly
thank you armee and dolly, i really appreciate you both !
hi Larry,
Hope you are doing well today :)
Hi Larry,
I just wanted to pop by and send you a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope ! i'm sorry i haven't been here much lately. I miss everyone.
I have been mostly good. i still get a little depressed now and then. mood swings aren't as bad , but still get them and i haven't been sleeping as much as i would like. drinking has been much better, not getting blackout drunk as much . maybe only once a week.
I finished reading "from surviving to thriving" i'm not sure it really helped much, but it did expllain some things.
I saw my T last night at the theater. i haven't had a session since before christmas. seeing her made me want to try again. maybe monday i will see if i can get an appointment.
:wave:
That sounds like good progress Larry!!!
I've found that books are really helpful for understanding, too. They don't help heal me per se but at different points of the path they've helped me understand what is going on and have been a key part of healing, even though just reading them doesn't fix anything.
I will be here to celebrate with you if you work up to calling T to schedule a next session! :cheer:
;) thank you armee ! i really appreciate your support !
keep going, larry. it can be slow at times, i know, but i give you lots of credit for hanging in there and continuing to move forward (even tho those backward steps can feel awful). good luck w/ calling your T. i hope it works out for you. love and hugs :hug:
thank you sanmagic !
Quote from: Larry on February 13, 2022, 02:34:11 PM
I finished reading "from surviving to thriving" i'm not sure it really helped much, but it did expllain some things.
Hi Larry,
I can see that. Sometimes we read things and it might take a while for it to sink in and make sense as we learn these things and sometimes the things we read just weren't for us.
It's great that you're going to go back and see your t. Keep reaching out if you need it.
dolly
;) thank you dolly !
i am really scared to call my T, i don't know if it will help. i keep getting so lost. my wife is getting tired of my mood swings. i try to be a good husband, but i think i was happier when i was alone and miserable. i know that sounds terrible. i just don't know what to do anymore.
Take some deep breaths and just get through tonight. At night you get EFs that make you feel you don't know what to do. You DO know what to do, just not when you are in the middle of an EF. So treat yourself kindly right now, stay safe cause you deserve to be safe, and when you feel better tomorrow morning, take the actions you know you need to do to get better.
I understand the feeling you mention of feeling like it is better to be alone and miserable. I used to feel that too.
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry that you're feeling like that right now. It's hard to go through this. All you can do is keep taking one step at a time and taking it as it comes, knowing that in your heart you're trying the best you can.
Sending you support,
dolly
i am feeling muvh better this morning. thank you dolly and armee for being here
Excellent! So glad to hear it! Now would be a great time to do something healthy for yourself. :)
sounds like a great idea, i think i will go to the gym, i usually feel good after a gym session.
Hi Larry,
I just wanted to say that I remember when you first talked about wanting to join a gym and now not only have you done it, but found something that is healthy and makes you feel good. Sounds like good progress to me :cheer:
dolly
;) i really enjoy going to the gym, i missed a cross fit class this morning, i really wanted to go today, but i drank too much last night. going to go on thursday. might try to go to a yoga class tomorrow morning. i realy need to go a few days without drinking. i always feel better when i don't drink. maybe i can get through this day without any alcohol.
:cheer:
We are here rooting for you! Ready to celebrate or comfort.
i don't know why, but i push people away when they get close. my wife is getting tired of me. i love her, but i don't show it very well. we spend a lot of time apart. she doesn't like it when i come home drunk, and we sleep in different rooms because i kick and scream in my sleep, when i sleep. i don't know how to change , i just want to be normal. i know that will never happen, thanks dad
Hello Larry, I am sorry to hear about the painful thoughts, feelings, and questions coming up.
seems like theese things always come up when i am drinking. i really need to slow down. i had 6 drinks yesterday, going to try not to drink at all today.
good luck with not drinking for a day. i feel similar to you in that i feel better since i quit drinking. it's a tough one. alcohol is a great painkiller. hopefully as you continue to recover, you won't need it. sending love and a hug filled with a bushel of doing what makes you feel better. :hug:
i made it to cross fit class today, great way to staart the day. i only had 3 drinks yesterday. not sure what to do with the rest of the day, but i feel pretty good right now.
That's really awesome Larry! Keep it up with taking care of yourself when you can.
Last night.... not sure why i let it happen again, got blackout drunk, stayed until closing time. started walking home, about 2.5 miles. almost made it there when police stopped me. they were really nice and gave me a ride home. i am trying not to be hard on myself, i have been drinking more than i would like, but i really over drank last night. today was a little better, i had 4 drinks after work. i am home now. i need to stay here and not drink anymore. it is hard , but i am trying. i really want to start therapy again. just when i think i can do it on my own, i have a night like last night.
still kicking and yelling, sometimes crying in my sleep. i really don't know what that is about, but my wife doesn't like it at all. how do i even begin to stop doing that?
The only way out Larry is to get help. It can't be done alone, IMO. You have to want to get better so much so that you are willing to get help, from your T, from a support group of some sort, maybe from your wife, maybe not.
Will power is no match for trauma because it isn't an issue of will power in the first place. It's an injury that is too deep to heal without help.
I don't know what your personal motivation is, mine was strong enough to keep me going to therapy even when it absolutely sucked. I didn't want to be like my mom and I wanted to be the best mom possible for my kids. Now I'm recovered enough that I can be my own motivation...wanting to get better for myself.
I'm glad the police helped you out last night.
i know you are right, i am going to call my T on monday, i really don't like the way things are going. I was numb to emotions for so long. now i just can't control them. i really would like to find a support group. there is nothing where i live, maybe i could try something online.
Hi Larry,
Hope you're doing better. Like Armee suggested, there's no shame in having to ask for help. We're all dealing with really big things that we had to carry from little children when we should have had help but didn't. It's difficult to work through all this and no one blames you for not being "better" or "normal." I don't think there is a normal. I felt that way for a long time and still do a bit, that I'm always on the outside because of what happened and how it shaped me, and that these things are something I had to get rid of, but am learning to love the strengths and qualities it's given me. It's not easy though.
Sending you support,
dolly
;) thank you dolly, I had a good day yesterday, i did get some severe anxiety and hypervigilance when i was picking up some food for my wife. the place was so busy and crowded, i just felt in the way, but i got out of there without freaking out too much. no bad dreams last night, i really feel good about today. fingers crossed !
my fingers are crossed for you, too, larry. love and hugs :hug:
i did not drink at all yesterday, i keep going up and down witht that, i wasn't drinking too much, just everyday. trying to slow down a little, work is getting busy, our season is finally here. that really helps keep me occupied. going to a cross fit class at the gym today. not sure what to do after that, it has been a while ssince i did something fun. maybe a nice bike ride on the bridge.
things were going well, i had 4 drinks today, i don't know why, but i started getting such negative feelings, sometimes i feel so lonely and unwanted. i know it probably isn't true. i don't like all the pain, i just want it to stop. i really want to give therapy another try, just having a hard time making that call.
Probably the hardest thing I've done is calling a therapist. We'll be here to give you support and encouragement when you decide it's time to call. :hug:
ditto what armee said. we're right beside you. love and hugs :hug:
;) maybe monday, thank you both for being here
This is all so complex and we all want answers, now. Maybe that happens for some, but it sure hasn't for me, nor for the many others I've read about here and in various writings that I've dived into over the years. I was obsessed with wanting THE answer, and it seems like there's quite a few floating around. This doesn't help our anxiety much but it presents some other options, at least in part.
I guess what prompted me to respond here is twofold -- 1) admiration that despite odds and lapses, you're keeping on even not knowing where to turn; that curiosity brought you this far and it bodes well that if you can keep it up, you will discover, maybe not THE answer, but a range of options that can help. ...2) it is a journey, it's hard, it gets discouraging, but there's hope that even a little boost is possible, and then, afterwards maybe another; and they're all worth more than just floundering around without hope.
So, keep traveling is all I can say. You've done quite well so far, even if it doesn't seem so rosy to your own understanding. How do I know any of this? I've been there, too; and I feel for you, Larry. :hug:
thank you woodsgnome, it is really nice to have someone who understsands.
today was good, nothing bad happened, i had 3 drinks after work, just trying to rest, i need more sleep.
Hi Larry, I hope you find some rest.
my wife knows a little about cptsd, she knows i have flashbacks and nightmares. she doesn't really know the many other things i deal with. she gets angry with me if i don't read her mind. somehow it is my fault if i don't do something , even if i didn't know i was supposed to do it. i really can't take it anymore. i am so tired of people putting me down. i am a good person, i think of others. i am always willing to help others. why do so people want to belittle me? i really don't know what to do, but i can't take it anymore.
hi Larry,
I get the feeling of being maxed out... like nobody ever understands, like you can't possibly do any more.
I am sure you are a good person.. absolutely sure of it .. and I'm sorry people put you down.
I just want to encourage you to keep on...
This hurts like heck almost every day... but it's for a bigger purpose.. for you
There are many periods I can point to in my life... and these last 2 years, of starting to really feel pain of the past, I will count among my most difficult. But I also count it as the path to being me. I have the confidence that this will not break me (as much as it feels like it sometimes)
Would I prefer to have skipped this period? Maybe some most days ha... but I know I'm not as angry as before.. slower to panic.. more patient and understanding. Small things perhaps for the price but I see it as the bigger purpose.. to come out a realer version of me :)
I still haven't responded to the therapist that replied to my initial request.. I don't want to do it either.. just so you know :)
But I know I will ... I am taking pills for the first time ever.. and I have to say, I'm not sad about it- We are worth more than the help that we need.
I wish we could see ourselves on the other side of this. I bet you'd like you.
Larry, it is difficult for other people to understand the experience of CPTSD and that can be really frustrating and lonely. I appreciate all that you are doing.
I agree you are a good kind person, Larry. I'm glad you can see that. I am sorry that you are feeling belittled by people around you. That is painful and unfair. I'd feel hurt and angry and hurt some more by that. You're a good person. It's hard for people to understand the depth of injury from cPTSD. I don't always understand it myself. I hope with time your wife turns into a support system for you and understands.
Hi Larry,
I think you are a good person. This stuff is hard and it's a long road. Hope you find ways to be gentle with your self. I can understand the fear in calling your t - it makes all these things that you've had to deal with real and there is a lot of uncertainty in that. Will it feel like it was when you were a child, will you be able to handle it, will it blow up your life? I had a lot of reservations when I started therapy and it took a long time to unpack that. Slowly, I could see that I was capable of things and then slowly that it wasn't me. Though am still working on that and not feeling like a bad person.
dolly
I feel pretty good today, went to the gym yesterday. sometimes i think i am ok, and i don't need help. then, out of nowhere...
i really appreciate all of you. it is nice to have someone who understands.
I'm so happy you get some good days in there. I've been playing that game with myself too for the past three years (I'm ok! I don't need therapy! I'm healed! And then something happens within a few days where I'm like: oh my god there's so much. So so much. I am going to need at least a year more!")
Good days are fantastic and give us a compass tiward which we are headed.
;) what a constant struggle... i try so hard. i don't know how to get others to understand. my wife always seems to forget. i am not normal. i can not be like everyone else. i am broken. i want to fix myself. i am really trying. but people need to understand that i am not there yet
Hi Larry,
It is hard and sometimes they don't understand no matter how much we want them to. We can try to make other people happy but it's not our responsibility to make them happy. I don't think it says you are a bad person if you can't. These situations are tough and sending you support.
dolly
may i send you a hug filled with support for your struggles larry? :hug: this is tough stuff and often gives us mixed signals which in turn we have to attempt to translate. keep going, ok?
thank you dolly and sanmagic, i get frustrated sometimes. most people don't understand.
:wave:
:wave: hi rainy !
yesterday, no drinks at all. i haven't done that in a while. i might have to work today, maybe the gym later?
I feel pretty good this morning. I am really trying to work on mindful stuff. I think i need to put more effort into my own healing.
Hi Larry! I'm really proud of you, how you just keep pulling yourself up, not letting setbacks knock you over completely. You rise up with more courage each time.
This statement alone is huge and empowering:
Quote from: Larry on March 07, 2022, 12:28:35 PM
I think i need to put more effort into my own healing.
Hi Larry,
That is great. I hope you enjoy the gym, if you decide to go there. If you had to work today, then I hope it went ok.
Hope :)
i have been drinking way too much this past weekend. friday night and sunday night... black out drunk. i don't remember leaving the bar or how i got home. when i get that drunk, bad things take over, i think the past comes up. i yell and kick and cry in my sleep. my wife has had enough. i really need help, i need to limit the drinking to a reasonable level. i just can't always do it on my own. today i had 3 drinks, hopefully will not have any more.
Larry I'm so sorry for all your pain and suffering. How can I best support you right now?
you are always here for me armee, that is more than i could ask for. thank you. i keep telling myself i need to try therapy again, it is just so hard, i have good days, and sometimes i think i can do this. i really don't know what to do right now.
I think the only thing to do is be kind to yourself until you are able to take a good day to do for yourself what you can't on a bad day and reach out for help - for yourself and for your wife. It can't be fixed by just muscling through alone. But no one can force you to be ready to get help before you're ready, either. I wish I could magically help you some way but I'm here. You deserve to feel good and live a free life.
thank you armee, that is all i really want, to be happy, i don't know why it is so hard.
It's so hard because it is much more difficult to heal a brain and nervous system injury than it is a broken arm. Except here you're also trying to heal without seeing a doctor. Like walking around living your life with your femur poking out through your skin and wondering why it won't just heal already.
Larry, I am glad you are sharing your experiences here.
i am so thankkfull for everyone here. i am so lost, just trying to be happy, i really appreciate all of you helping me see what is really happening. i want to heal, and i think i know what i need to do, i just can't always do the things i need to do. the few sessions i had were hard, painful and emotinal. but i think it really helped. it is hard with my work schedule , but i think i need therapy. i need something. i have some good days, but sometimes the pain just makes me want to get drunk enough to forget. i know others are feeling the same pain, and i really feel for them, it isn't fair. we did not ask for this, it is so hard
It is really hard. And don't think for one minute you are alone or failing. You aren't. You're going at the pace you are able to right now. I look back 4 years ago to where I was. I was sunk onto the living room floor in a corner staring into space for hours every night once the kids went to sleep. Terrified. Hating myself. Dissociated nonstop. Sitting in an empty bathtub. Unable to effectively parent. Unable to even consider asking my husband for help or to tell him how much I was suffering and unable to even see that I needed help. You are able to see. You are ahead of the curve. You'll get there. It's also OK to try the other therapist and tell them that you need to go very very slow and gentle. Just build up slow. There's no rush. Pushing too hard too fast backfires for complex trauma as you saw.
It is difficult and challenging to balance everything - work, relationships, well-being, nutrition, activity, etc, etc, etc. It is also difficult to wire our brains to respond differently. We really need others to help us with that which is difficult because others can be so challenging to trust given our histories.
larry, i don't think you're failing, either. it is difficult to take the step needed to see someone who could help you. and, yeah, therapy can be hard, emotional, painful, but i also believe we have survived our traumas for a reason. you're right, we didn't ask for this, but we are the only ones who can help ourselves heal - and if that means seeing someone for guidance, then that's what we'll do. in the time that is manageable for us.
i'm glad you can look at your therapy experience and acknowledge how hard it was, but also that it helped. i hope you can ride that wave. when you do, it's ok to tell your T that you want to take therapy more slowly, give you time between for the pain, etc., to settle before going on to whatever's waiting. best to you with this. love and hugs :hug:
i feel more positive today, i drank too much last night, but trying to put that behind me. i did a yoga class this morning, going to the gym later today. i am really trying to focus on my health, trying to use that to limit drinking. i have noticed some results since i started going to the gym , that really helps me stay motivated. i should get my schedule for april soon, hopefully i get a day off each week, maybe i can try to work therapy into my schedule.
Hi Larry,
Sorry things are tough for you right now. I second what San said and that you're in control with your T. If things are difficult and hard, you can share that with them. They're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do.
I don't know if you're familiar with IFS but states that we're all made up of parts which then preform different roles in us. So, if you had a part that was hurt as a child, it will likely have a protector part that tries to protect it from being hurt that way again. When the emotions from that part get too much and "leak out" it can leads to firefighting behaviours like drinking, over eating, risky behaviour etc. If you want to look into it the book by Jay Earley called Self Therapy is pretty good at explaining step by step how to talk to those parts when they come up (you'll need to be in Self). If you are able to speak to your parts, you might be able to hear why they want to protect you, and what makes calling your T so difficult. Even thought the emotions that come up in IFS can be tricky, and sometimes I need to explore other things to compliment it, it has helped me a lot. :hug:
dolly
thank you dolly ! i found that book and downloaded it. might start reading it tonight
friday... worked all day, from 8 am until 8 pm. had a few drinks on the way home. i feel good, ready for the weekend, working all day tomorrow. i got about 5 hours of sleep last night, i hope i can do that tonight. waiting to get my schedule for april, i really want to do some therapy. i am afraid, scared, and terrified, but i know it will help.
:sunny:
Hi Larry,
Therapy is really tough but also immensely helpful. I had to go through a learning curve I think with them. I've had a few therapists and while they were all good and helpful in their own way, I went through a couple therapists before I found a really good one. It's hard to put your feelings out there but you're always in control of what you want to talk about. Over time you guys might look at why you don't want to talk about that stuff etc but it's your own timeline.
I thought I'd mention the book and if it's helpful for you, that's great. After learning about it here on the forum from Owl, Snowdrop and Hope, it really allowed me to access my emotions in a way I hadn't been able to before.
Glad you're feeling better,
dolly
Hi Larry,
I hope that the weekend is an enjoyable one for you. Also wishing you the best for therapy too.
Hope :)
That's a really normal way to feel, Larry, about therapy. I still shake in fear when I get to therapy most times even after this long and feeling so trusting and in sync with my therapist. I keep going because I see the changes in me and my life and how I feel emotionally and physically and I really really want be free of this stuff.
i am so dissappointed in myself right now. no one understandse cptsd. i try to explaine, but even when i try.... i am having a hard itme wih people right now. they really think they know...... they say it is ok..... it is not ok, i am so messed up right now. it might never be ok
:bighug:
:grouphug:
Larry, it sounds like you're going through a tough time please try to be gentle with yourself. You don't have to be a certain person in relation to other people, you just have to be you and that's ok warts and all.
dolly
;) today was a better day. i worked all day, only had 2 drinks on the way home from work.
i don't know why, but when i drink too much, it seems like demons come out. i don't get mean or loud, just an emotional mess. i pull my hair, and get confused. i really need to limit or stop drinking. i don't know how to replace it.
:sunny:
hey, larry,
i did attend support groups when i first stopped drinking. they helped a lot till i could get on my feet. it's a tough journey, for sure, a very difficult step to take. i get it. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
We grew up as children in a probably chaotic household where there wasn't a way to properly regulate our emotions, so we coped in any way we could. As we got older, those ways of coping stopped working. Sending you support to find a new way of emotional regulation.
Dolly
;) i love all of you.... you understand, i will find a replacement, it might take time, hopefully i find it before it is to late. i still haven't called my T to make an appointment. i want too. i should get my schedule for april soon. i know i need to make some changes
It's really challenging to step into the unknown. Even if we don't like what we are doing right now, we at least feel "comfort" in what we know. Best wishes figuring out your next steps.
Last few days have been good. staying busy at work. Hoping to have a good weekend.
:sunny:
i really want to drink tonight, i am trying not too. it is so hard to deal with things while being sober. it takes everything i have. it is just too easy to drink and forget.. i just want to feel normal. i don't want to feel emotions.
i still havent called my T. i don't know my schedule, it is hard to have a day to go to therapy right now. i don't have any kind of support, and i feel like i reallly need it right now. i am really trying. i don't want to fail, or just drink my life away.
It all starts with wanting something different! Each of these steps that you are going through are so important to recovery. You don't see it but you've made so much progress. Sending you luck managing through the night as long as you can without drinking. Can you watch some comedy or something to make you laugh and keep your mind off the pain? I know sometimes the pain is too much to even laugh.
sunday.... it is going to be a good day. i had a few drinks yesterday, but didn't over do it. really trying to keep the demons away
Hey Larry
I hope you don't mind if I share something that really helps me when I can remember it.
I was asked by someone a year ago that I confided in "how do you survive everyday?" I said I smoke a lot of pot. She said that's ok , but threw in a soft "for now".
No judgement just love.
Mostly to me it was a recognition that
a) what you've been through is exceptionally hard ... as well as
b) you need something to help your pain...but
c) you are so worth the healthiest options too. You deserve them.
Now she didn't say all that but that's how I took it based on the love she said it with.
I send my love with saying that to you... if it helps. Forgive me please if it doesn't.
(And I still smoke pot so this is no judgement ever- I'm still fighting the demons alongside you)
thank you phil, this really helps. ;)
i really have been struggling with things. hypervigilance has been out of control, i feel like such a burden everywhere i go. i really do not like emotions. i just want to feel normal !
I hope you find some ease.
Hi Larry,
I hope you find some ease too...it sounds like your inner critic is working overtime right now and it's never fun when that happens. It has a way of being really loud and disruptive as a way of trying to keep you safe. It doesn't mean that all the things it says are true. I haven't read the Pete Walker stuff on the inner critic in a while but I remember it being good. The Jay Earley stuff on the IC was helpful to me (my inner critic showed up as my mom - sometimes we inherit these things from our parents/family) and I'm still learning how to manage that but I think it's gotten better.
dolly
I feel good today, why can't i always feel like this ? not working today, might go to the gym. trying to keep myself busy.
i have been really busy with work. it really helps me if i stay busy. i think i am not working tomorrow. might take the dogs to the beach. i have been doing better with not over drinking. i still have a few each day, but i haven't been getting drunk every night.
keep up the good work, larry. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
It sounds great that you've been keeping busy. Sending you support for what you have going on. In my reading lately, I've come across some stuff about the DRD2 receptors and their role in addiction. Not saying you're an addict just that if these certain genes are activated ie going through a traumatic childhood, it can make the brain favour chemicals/alcohol to cope (activating those dopamine pathways) and makes peoples' reactions to those substances stronger. It's just the way their brains are wired.
Have a great day at the beach,
dolly
thank you san and dolly ! i have not heard of drd2 but it sounds like something i should read about.
i've heard something similar to what dolly said, but it was more in the context of genetic predisposition. either way, the idea of triggers for it being pinged by trauma makes a lot of sense. i know that with my first beer, alcohol and i became best friends (until we weren't anymore), but there was a lot of alcohol consumption in my family. something to think about. i hope you find some answers, larry. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
I was messaging my cousin this morning about genetic stuff and it popped into my mind about our grandmother also being an alcoholic. I went and had a look at my own DRD2 (SNP rs6277) and it's homozygous which is the most at risk. My mom also had alcohol/drug issues. So, I looked into it a little further and found this which talks about the DRD2 receptors, addiction, and the SNP I have and then it clicked that the DRD2 receptors are dopamine receptors which is what makes us feel good. Funnily enough, is what my FMP said was lacking for me.
Behavioral and Neural Manifestations of Reward Memory in Carriers of Low-Expressing versus High-Expressing Genetic Variants of the Dopamine D2 Receptor
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00654/full
I think commenting on your post yesterday maybe had it lurking in the back of mind and glad it resonated for you and San. I think sometimes we can blame ourselves unfairly for things when there's stuff like this going on in the background. :grouphug:
dolly
sure explains some things, thank you !
i am really trying to get my wife to understand what i deal with. she thinks i am irratable, unreasaonable, i just want to be left alone. i think i was happier when i was alone and miserable.
I'm so sorry, Larry. This is really difficult. I honestly relate to that feeling of finding it easier to be alone. But at the same time we deserve and need love and connection, too. Our abusers shouldn't get that win of keeping us from that deeply human experience. Screw them. Not that, too.
Does it help to find some truth to what she's saying and accept it? I mean that is part of cptsd right? I think I'm unreasonable a lot of the times...I'm always wondering * is wrong with me? Why am I acting like this? Why can't i just be normal? Why am I terrified? Maybe acknowledging that can open up a deeper conversation of what it's like for you, and what it's like for her?
At the same time - and I'm saying this gently and with love and understanding and immense compassion for what you are struggling with and how hard you are already trying- i know how kind you are and that you also believe that our trauma reactions can't be an excuse to hurt people we love, either, with our behaviors? At some point we need to move past just understanding why we are messed up and into honest efforts to repair the damage?
But mostly I'm just sending a lot of compassion your way. You have done so much to get better already! Your drinking has been lighter, you are exercising, you are reaching out here, you gave therapy a try....you are doing so much. I'm proud of you! You've got this...it's just a bumpy ride. That's the nature of the beast.
;) thank you armee !
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry things are tough in your relationship right now. I think when we go through emotional changes it often changes our relationships too because we are changing and sometimes people have a difficult time adjusting to what's going on, or maybe both have expectations about what they want/need that aren't being met and they have to reorient. That person that they knew and were used to maybe isn't there anymore and they don't understand why. Not that that is your fault, you should be able to grow and change, but perhaps it takes understanding on both sides and to talk it out about what you need/can and can't do. Sometimes when one partner is starting to change the other might resist it as well because they were quite happy with how things were and it forces them to look at their own areas they need to grow in which maybe they also have a hard time with.
dolly
today has been good, but last night, i drank way too much. i don't know why, but i go into a really dark place when i over drink. i feel lost, hopeless , broken, sometimes i start crying, i need help. i know i need to stop, i am afraid to try. i think i am afraid of what might happen if i try to stop. i know it doesn't make sense.
i did not drink today. i really hope tomorrow is a good day.
It makes absolute sense to any of us and to any trauma therapist, Larry. Drinking, self harm, drugs, risk taking they all play a role in keeping us safe until we are ready to heal and cope in other ways.
Hi Larry,
I agree too that it does make sense that you're afraid of what might happen if you try to stop. Before we start processing trauma, a part of us is still looking at the world the way we did as a child when those things happened and our brains still imagine that we have the resources we did as a child, and had to manage with those, which often weren't sufficient. But they were the best way we knew how. If we can bring our minds to see that we are adults and look at the ways in which we actually are resourceful, we can create a bit of distance and see that those things actually don't affect us in the same way. Not that what happened isn't relevant and our feelings aren't relevant but that we are now different people.
I don't know if it's helpful for you but I watched this today. I'm learning that there's a lot of addiction in my family on both sides with some being more socially acceptable than others - alcohol, prescription meds, work, sugar, eating. I do feel like I have my own problems with sugar and am looking into managing my dopamine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQ40hNdZmfQ
edit: I do know that this video is essentially selling an app. It's more explanation of the mechanism of reward and to try and shift the attention while you are doing the thing and maybe what it actually feels like now that I think is interesting. :hug:
Hang in there, you're doing good work. Sending you support, dolly
thank you armee and dolly :) it is really nice to have input from someone that understands...
i agree with them, larry. we cope the way we know how just to survive till the next day. when those coping mechanisms stop working is when we find a different way. one thing i learned a long time ago is that when we go thru the fear, what we find on the other side is a stronger version of ourselves. keep going, ok? love and hugs :hug:
;) thank you sanmagic,
today was good, worked all day. just relaxing at home. i had 4 rinks today, i am happy with that. maybe tomorrow....
:sunny:
The last few days have been good, i have been drinking much less. I still haven't found a replacement, probably never will. It is scary when things go well. I hope it can stay this way. I really don't like the dark days. I'm sure nobody does. I feel bad for not supporting others that are dealing with their own issues. I really want to make an effort to do better.
Hi Larry, my perspective is that you being here and being part of our group is a wonderful thing.
I agree with Rainy. And I also firmly believe without a doubt that you will come to a point when you do not need alcohol to cope and numb, as long as you keep going.
i had a good but dull kind of day. did some things around the house. I get lonely, but i don't always know how to act around people. Not sure what to do tomorrow, it has been windy, i will not be working for another 3 or 4 days. i really like working and staying busy.
staying busy can be a wonderful distraction, larry. i'm hoping you're also finding some time and energy for healing and self-care. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
Glad you're doing good. It sounds like you have some time to spend with yourself and find out what you like doing. I remember my second T telling me that a lot of life is mundane and not the thrill ride I guess I was expecting or had learned. Growing up in my family was never mundane and there was so much dysfunction and emotional disregulation and I think it took me some time to get used to life not having to be like that. That peace and quiet can feel good, and that I have a right to have my life like that.
I love the wind! Hope work goes well. :sunny:
dolly
I really appreciate everyone here. I didn't drink at all yesterday, saturday was a mess. like a big mess, drank too much, don't remember much. today was a little better, only had a few. i really don't like thinking about it, i just want to be normal. i feel like drinking has consumed a bog part of me. i don't like that at all. tomorrow is a new day. all i can do is my best.
very true, larry. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
Each day is a fresh new day, and I hope that today is going to have some nice experiences within it for you. Sending you a hug :hug: Also some sunshine too :sunny:
Hope :)
things have been confusing, my wife quit drinking, i am really glad she did, but it has made it hard on me. my job is so seasonal and weather dependent. i just want to work everyday. it really helps if i am busy. it might be time to move from here, it has been 4 years. i might need a fresh start. this is a small island, everyone knows me, and my habits, it is embarrising, i just want to be normal....
It's really hard to live someplace small like that, and also really confusing when a partner changes suddenly even if for the better. Sending hugs and support.
Hi Larry, I wanted to say that I read your post and check in here from time to time. I appreciate you sharing your journey and hope you continue to find steps forward that are supportive to you.
;)
hey, larry,
my ex and i stopped drinking several months apart. it worked out well as we could support each other in staying sober. i hope you and your wife find a way thru the difficulty for you. best to you with this. love and hugs :hug:
thank you sanmagic, ;)
Hi Larry,
Maybe your wife wants to support you and is showing that she really cares about you and you getting better? That kind of love/care can be really difficult when we don't believe we are loveable, but she is showing you that you are.
I don't like people knowing my business and feeling exposed either, but at the end of the day, it's your life and not theirs. They can't make you feel any kind of way unless you take it on. I say that knowing how hard it is to shut stuff out and I've struggled with that for years (and honestly it only feels like it's changed since I've started addressing the physical stuff but that's another story).
I may be out of line here, but I wanted to say that I don't think you're a bad person for doing what you're doing in anyway, but I would love to see you get help, not because you're flawed, but because you're going through a cycle of drinking and then hating yourself for doing the things you're doing and you don't deserve that.
Sending you support :hug:
dolly
thank you dolly ;) , i know you are right. i know it is a bad cycle, i need to break it. i have been doing a little better, but not really doing it the right way. i am trying to bury emotions again, and getting better at it again. i know it will come back , but for now it is working. i did not drink at all yesterday, i did have 4 drinks today, and i really want a few more, but i am happy, and that isn't always easy.
Hi Larry, how are you doing today? Friday nights tend to be a bit tough right? I'm hanging in here with you.
Hi armee, i am ok, having some ups and downs. last night i was at the local bar, some police showed up, i don't do anything illegal, but it is a huge trigger for me. i think i handled it pretty well. i am getting better at burying emotions and feelings. i know that isn't the answer, but it is working for now. i had a few drinks today, and i really want a few more, i am at home, just trying to feel normal.
Hi Larry,
Well done for handling that situation when the police showed up - I think that would have been a difficult situation.
I wanted to send you some sunshine, and also a hug of support, if that's ok :hug: :sunny:
Hope :)
;) thank you ! I realy want to try therapy again, maybe a different therapist. there are only 2 on this island , not a lot to choose from. i really do not want to do anti depressants. my last therapist really wanted me to take Lexapro. Maybe it would help. but i am so afraid of anti depressants. i feel like i need to do something before it is too late.
hi, larry,
in my experience, if my innards are telling me something is not right or needs to be changed, they're usually correct. i tell my D, 'go with your gut'. i hope you find the answers you're looking for. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
If it works for you, a lot of therapists now are doing skype/zoom sessions post-covid. It might not be for you but could also open up the possibility of a t who is a better fit.
dolly
thank you dolly, it is just hard, i really don't want my wife to know, and she is home all the time. it is so hard to try to work everything out.
Hi Larry,
This stuff is really hard, and it's also really hard to ask for what we need from someone we care about when you are used to never being able to do that growing up and be supported. I think that asking your wife to have the house alone while you talk about private things is reasonable request to make. You don't have to share stuff in therapy with your wife until you're ready to do so. If she's been supporting you with quitting drinking, she sounds like she would be willing to support you with this too. It's hard to talk with her about that maybe but you also deserve to help yourself get better. It's ok to have those needs.
Sending you support,
dolly
There are solutions when you are ready for them, Larry. Until then sending lots of support to figure out how to move forward and be ok. :grouphug:
I really appreciate everyone here. today was good. it always helps when people are nice to me. sometimes i feel like i don't deserve this. but i am thankful. i am sorry i have been a little negative. i just want to be happy. doesn't seem like to much to ask for. i don't know why it is so hard sometimes
Hi Larry, I've been in a "negative" place of late too and wish we could turn this off because it is exhausting. I am glad you are here sharing your experiences as it helps me remember I am not alone.
;) thank you rainy
I haven't been here much, i miss everyone, i want to support everyone, you have all been so helpful and supportive for me. it is just painful sometimes to try to even think of everything going on. i hope everyone is doing well.
:hug:
Hi Larry,
You've been helpful and supportive for me too, and I wanted to thank you for that - I have appreciated it when you've popped by in my journal, and I hope you're doing ok today. Sending you a hug and some sunshine, if that's ok :hug: :sunny:
I hope that wasn't too much, just take them on a different day, if they're too much.
Hope :)
Hi Larry,
Hope you're doing well Larry :sunny:
This stuff is painful to get through, but I'm sure you'll get there.
dolly
i agree with everyone, larry. sometimes it's just as hard to do something beneficial as to stop doing something that's harmful. you'll know when it's time to do either or both. love and hugs :hug:
:sunny:
;) thank you,
i know journaling is suppose to help. sometimes it does, sometimes it is just to painful. i really try to forget my past. i have worked so hard to bury memories. i have had a few good days, but still struggle with self acceptance, hypervigilance, anxiety, among many other things. i really want to feel normal. maybe tomorrow....
Hi Larry.
hi rainy.
:hug:
today was nice, busy day at work. i wanted to go to the gym this morning before work, but i didn't make it. had a few drinks after work, but still a good day. sometimes it feels like i am forcing things to be good, but whatever works. i almost feel ready for tomorrow. maybe i can get to the gym in the morning.
Hi Larry,
I hope you have a good day and get to the place where you feel like you don't have to force anything or be anyone else :sunny: I read something years ago that always stuck with me that said "make it beautiful behind you." I think it was from the Four Agreements. All we can do is our best to leave things in the path behind us in the best way we can.
Hope you enjoy the gym.
dolly
today was mostly good, i feel good. had a little anxiety this evening, but i think i have it under control.
Cheering you on!
:yeahthat: :hug:
Thinking of you Larry.
i really appreciate all of the support. i really want to support others, but sometimes it is hard to read other journals, seems to be kind of painful sometimes. i don't want to seem selfish. i am going to try to learn. try to get over my own feelings and emotions. emotions are still a little new to me, it has been almost a year now, and i think i am doing better.
today was a nice day off. i went to the gym for the first time in a week. stopped by the local bar and had 3 drinks. i felt a little out of place there today.
i am working tomorrow and all weekend. i really want to try to get a scheduled day off to try therapy again.
larry, i have to take breaks from the pain here as well at times. when we're working w/in our own pain, the pain of others can be overwhelming.
interesting that you said you didn't feel as comfortable in the bar as usual.
good luck w/ being able to schedule a therapy appt. feeling your feelings for the first time can be intimidating in the least. i hope you find some help w/ that. love and hugs :hug:
:hug:
Larry, I wish you could get a scheduled day off too so you could plan better.
When you're ready there may be therapists with a more flexible schedule. Mine has never done a set day/time. He just has an online calendar and people go on and select the time that works for them. Mine is a different day and time every week, depending on what's going on.
things have been good lately. almost a little scary , but i like it. been real busy with work, i think that helps. i haven't been to the gym in a week, i am trying to go at 6 am before work, maybe tomorrow. i have been going to the bar a lot, but only having 3 or 4 drinks. i really think less drinking has been helping.
I love all of you and hope you all are doing well.
glad to hear all this, larry. and, yeah, change, even for the better, can be scary. keep up the good work. love and hugs :hug:
Love right back to you Larry! Good job limiting the number of drinks. I think you're probably right, how much that helps.
I :grouphug:
stessfull but good day at work, i had 3 drinks after work. i haven't been sleeping much, i really want to get some sleep so i can go to the gym in the morning before work. i don't want to take any sleeping meds, but i really want to sleep better !
I hope that you settle into sleep soon.
a lady had a stroke on our snorkel boat today, she did not make it. we did everything we could. spent several hours with the coast guard. maybe tomorrow will be better.
i had 4 drinks after work, i really want a few more, but i know what that will lead too. we are so shor handed at the place i work, i want to try therapy again, but i don't have any days off right now.
Hey Larry. That's a huge thing to go through. Hang in there. For work I got some training in critical incident stress management to help coworkers deal with traumatic on the job experiences.. in our training and in practical experience I learned that after going through something like that it's really important to burn off the adrenaline by exercising and then getting a good night's rest. Not much alcohol which will interfere with the REM sleep your brain needs to process this. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm sorry the lady didn't survive. That's really difficult to witness. Take care of yourself friend.
Thinking of you Larry - you did all you could for that person on the boat and I am glad you were there to support the best you could. I hope you find ease.
Hi Larry,
I am so sorry you had to go through that experience on the boat, it sounds really challenging and difficult. I hope you're ok, and I wanted to send you a hug of support, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
i am doing ok, tired, not sleepoing and working a lot. i really need a day off. trying to limit alcohol, doing ok with that. i really want to feel numb again, so tired, i need some sleep. my wife is relly tired of the yelling and screaming when i do sleep. i don't know what to do about that. i really appreciate all of you, maybe soon i can try to read other posts and try to offer support for others.
larry, have you talked to anyone about meds to help you have a more peaceful sleep? it just sounds horrible what you and your wife go thru. i don't doubt you're exhausted. i also think therapy could be a big help in slaying those sleep demons. well done on limiting your alcohol intake. i know it's rough. keep taking care as best you can. love and hugs :hug:
i am afraid of meds, but maybe i need to get over that. there is a therapist in town that i want to go too. just need to find time, i am scheduled to work 7 days a week. sometimes i get a day off due to weather. things usually slow down when school starts, just trying to hang on until then.
had a good day today. worlked all day, had 2 drinks after work. not sure what tomorrow will bring but i feel ready.
:hug:
Hi Larry, I hope that your schedule shifts in ways that help you feel supported.
i drank way more than i wanted too, but i made it home i am so confused, i dont know what to do. i really want help... i just dont know how right now. i don't know what to do. i have tried everything... I NEED HELP !!!!
:hug:
Tomorrow will be better. Help IS available and there is more to try when you are ready. Wishing you a bit of peace tonight
I am so sorry, i really over reacted, i am ok, i just get lost sometimes. i don't want people to think i am crazy, i really try to hold it together. just sometimes... sometimes i mess up. sometimes i loose it, i really am trying to not let that happen. i know drinking makes things worse, it helps until it doesn't, i don't know what to do.....
It's OK. We've all been in those moments here. It is really really overwhelming when you are in them and I am glad you post when you feel like that. Having a place to turn is helpful. I used to have that feeling of not knowing what to do so badly it would just sink me.
You are doing the most important work of learning these terrible feelings aren't permanent. They come and go and we can ride out the worst of it until it settles. Eventually those huge waves become smaller and they don't knock you under as often or as badly.
You know what to do. A part of you doesn't know what to do, but another part knows. You come back here when you feel solid and clear, and read your posts, see your pattern. Then pick up the phone and get help when you are ready to disrupt this pattern and heal. It's OK that you aren't ready yet. :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
i agree w/ everything armee said. you have the knowledge, which is the first step. next is to put it into action when you are ready. love and hugs :hug:
thank you armee and san magic, i really appreciate everyone here.
i have been doing good the last few days. i know there are ups and downs, maybe i can find a way to make them less extreme.
i had 2 drinks today, only 2. i feel pretty good about that. tomorrow is a new day ;)
Hi Larry,
You're right, tomorrow is a new day, and I very much hope that your day is a nice one, and that there's lots of sunshine and some good moments within it. :hug: :sunny:
I'm glad you've been feeling good the last few days, and that you're feeling pretty good about only 2 drinks.
Wishing you the best for today.
Hope :)
i have had a rough week, my wife asked me to leave for a while. I stayed in a hotel for 3 nights. I did not drink much, just tried to stay present. I am home today. I think things will work out. only time will tell.
Larry, I am sorry to hear about the difficult week.
things were ok today, then somehow depression hits out of nowhere. i really don't understand it. maybe tomorrow will be better. I am at home, but i really want to have at least 1 or 2 more drinks, i really don't know what else to do.
Hi Larry,
I hope things get better for you and get a chance to speak with the therapist.
Sending you :sunny:
dolly
Hi Larry,
Sending you some sunshine, and hoping you're ok :sunny:
Hope :)
I'm sorry i haven't been on here in a while. I went through a really bad time, I did not think i was going to make it home last monday. I was ready to give up. but this last week things have been much better. I am trying to stay positive. I appreciate all of you.
:hug:
hi Larry!
Thanks for saying hi, it's good to hear from you.
I'm sorry that you've been struggling. I hope the week continues to get better for you.
We are here for you. :hug:
:grouphug: :sunny:
I'm sorry you were struggling so much. I'm glad you've made it to this week. Keep making it one more day at a time. I'm glad you are here.
Hi Larry, thanks for sharing your update.
;)
Hi Larry,
Hope you're doing better :sunny:
dolly
Hi Larry :wave:
Hi larry!
thank you all for being here ! I am doing well , i hope all of you are too !
Hi Larry,
Just popped by to say 'Hi' and wish you the best for this weekend. Sending you some sunshine, if you need some - although I suspect there is a lot of sunshine around at the moment - it's been very hot :sunny:
Sending you a hug too, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope !
Last tuesday i think i hit a new low, it was bad. mostly caused by overdrinking. it took a few days, but i feel better today. i don't know why i am having such a hard time with drinking. i know it causes a lot of pain.
:hug:
Sending sunshine for easier days ahead.
;) i enjoyed a nice day today. i didn't do much, but it has been nice.
Hey, Larry.
Your comment about not "doing much" brought up a thought as I read it -- that this work with ourselves is never really about what we "do", but what our "Being" is. Your being honest and kind to yourself goes way further than any doing might accomplish. Reflecting who you really are, being willing to be you, is what counts, no matter what the doing is meant to achieve.
Larry, I'm glad your day was good. I agree with woodsgnome- it is more than enough to just be.
;) thank you ! i feel good today. i did not drink at all yesterday. just trying to enjoy the day. i would like to find a way to even things out. the uops and downs can be a bit too much to handle.
Quote from: Larry on August 28, 2022, 01:48:48 PM
i don't know why i am having such a hard time with drinking. i know it causes a lot of pain.
Hi Larry,
I think these things are tough and maybe brings up a lot of feelings that are hard to acknowledge. Maybe a bit of shame in that why can't I be like other people and just drink normally -- what's wrong with me? Sending you support, it's not easy when things come up in us that we don't like but it doesn't mean that we are bad people and unworthy/unloveable.
dolly :sunny:
thank you dolly !
i feel good today. i worked this morning, not sure what to do this afternoon.
i am so sorry i have been so negative. i finally feel numb today. my wife will not stop drinking, so i joined her. she is sleeping now.. i just want to keep drinking. i really like feeling numb. i don't want to feel things anymore
You don't need to be sorry for feeling bad. That's the trauma. We don't blame you for that and we have those days too. I'm scared for you and your wife though. It sounds pretty dangerous. I wish I could help you both feel better and get help. I can't but I'm here for you, Not judging, just worried.
:yeahthat: also here for you. love and hugs to you and your wife :hug: :hug:
I am looking for a therapist. it isn't easy. i live in a small island chain , not many options. i did find a few, and i sent some emails. i really don't know what else to do. i started reading a few books, i really should try harder. i feel like if i don't do something, i will run out of time.
Hi Larry, I am here checking in and appreciating all the work you are doing.
thank you rainy ;)
I couldn't say it better than Rainy. Keep trying when you are able. That's all any of us can do. That means on good days maybe needing to remind yourself there are bad days and using your good day energy to keep looking for help. Fingers crossed for a therapist that is a good fit for you and your schedule. :grouphug:
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry you feel that sense of urgency. There are therapists that do telehealth vis Zoom which can be used via an app on a smartphone if you have one. That way you don't have to be at home during the session. I believe AA does something similar with online Zoom meetings.
Hope you find some space to deal with the stuff coming up.
dolly
i agree w/ the others, larry. best of luck finding a therapist. love and hugs :hug:
;), thank you
Hi Larry,
Just wanted to send you some sunshine today - if that's ok :sunny:
I hope you find a therapist who is helpful.
Sending you a hug too, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
i have been doing ok, i went to the gym today, that always helps. preparing for a hurricane right now, looks like we are only getting 60 mph winds. probably lots of rain the next few days. i am trying to stay busy, i only had 2 drinks today. i feel a little empty, but mostly good.
:hug:
when i need support, i always come here. i love all of you. thank you so much.
today has been good. i did have a few drinks, i am home, but really want a few more. my wife has not been drinking. so nothing to drink in the house. we did ok with hurricane ian. ft myers got it bad. sometimes i feel like i don't deserve the good things that happen.
You deserve even more good things, Larry. I'm glad to hear your wife is doing better at least with alcohol. You sounded really worried about her. I am so glad it is a little more stable now.
thank you armee ;)
sending love and a hug filled w/ support as you wander down this path. glad to hear about your wife. :hug:
i don't know why, i have some good days, and i feel like i got this. and then.... i knoiw drinking doesnt help. i need to find something that does help. even on the good days i have a hard time sleeping. i probably will not sleep at all tonight. and really sleep is the last thing i am worried about. i can do without it. i just don't like the negative feelings. i am sorry to be like this, i know a lot of people have bigger problems. i feel like i am being selfish.
i don't know why, today was good, but i just want to cry , i just want to cry all night. i feel like i let myself down, i don't want many things, i just want to be happy
Your not being selfish...that's the trauma talking.
Hey one of the hard truths is in order to feel joy you also have to grieve and feel the sadness and anger. It won't last forever as bad as it feels.
thank you armee ;)
Larry, it is the worst to feel uncomfortable in our bodies and brains. I hope that you find ways to feel comfortable and at ease.
I am feeling good today, just ging to enjoy it. i hope everyone else has a good day today
back atcha, larry :hug:
today was a good day, felt like i had to force it a few times. i only had 4 drinks today. i really want a few more, but i am trying to resist. i'm at home,
tomorrow should be a fun day. going diving in the morning. then should have the afternoon off.
i haven't written anything in my journal in a while. things have been good. i have been doing really well with not over drinking. i think i am getting better at dealing with the symtoms. i think i recognize things earlier. i hope this isn't just a good week, i don't want to fall back again. not sure about therapy. not a lot of options where i live. i know there is on line therapy. i just really do not want to talk about the past. still having a hard time sleeping. and the nightmares are more frequent. i thought less drinking might help with that. sometimes i just try not to sleep.
I'm so glad you are feeling better this week. :cheer:
When you are ready...You can get really far in therapy without ever needing to talk about the past. You probably shouldn't talk about the past yet. Stabilization is a really important part of trauma therapy. It took me 3 years before I could move into the past. There was plenty present moment stuff to work on while we built a strong enough base to leap into the past from.
what armee said. besides, once you get into therapy, you are the conductor while the therapist is a guide. you can determine what you want to talk about and when. the T may push on you, only to help you go where it's important to go, but if you're not ready it's ok to say that. love and hugs, larry :hug:
i think that is why i didn't like therapy the last time, i think we moved too fast, trying emdr, and trying to remember things from a long time ago.
i'm not working today, going to do some things at home. the garden needs some attention, and i might do some painting.
Hi Larry,
I hope that you have some nice sunshine today - and that your day goes well. :sunny:
Hope :)
I felt that way, about your experience Larry, too. It was too aggressive on the part of the therapist. If insurance is covering, the coverage can be limited so that may make therapists move too quickly.
I remember just feeling so....I dunno...confused....why me and T were working on such mundane things like issues around cleaning the house when there were these huge roiling issues under the surface that I couldn't name but knew were there. But it was vital absolutely vital to start small and its all connected anyway in the end. When we went fast bad things happened. When we learned to slow way way way WWWWAAAAYYYY down that's when healing started.
I know everyone says find someone who knows trauma but also important is finding someone open to learning and adapting. My T did not really know complex trauma. But he generally speaking is adaptive and it has worked. Really well.
i have been so confused, yet really appreciative at the same time. I have 2 jobs, and both want me to take a bigger role. i feel like i have enough to deal with, but i feel so lucky to have people that want me. what a difference. and at the same time i feel like i don't fit in anywhere. what is wrong with me? My wife gave me some melatonin gummies, to help with my lack of sleep. not sure if it works, but i guess it can't hurt. i really don't know what to do, everyone tells me to do what is best for me. i don't think i even know how to do that. what ever i choose, some people are not going to be happy.
i want to try therapy again. i really want to try. it's like i need someone to make me do it.
i am sorry i haven't been here to support everyone. my wife did not drink for 3 weeks, yesterday she started again. not just a few drinks, she drinks until she passes out, when she wakes up she starts again. i try to limit drinking, but sometimes i just need too get numb.
Thank you to everyone that took the time to read, I'm sorry
:hug:
Thinking of you Larry.
I have been doing pretty good the last few weeks. I haven't been over drinking. and most of the time i feel good. i still get times where i feel depressed or feel like i don't fit in. I'm just trying to take it day by day. I made a decision which job, kind of. I am still working both jobs. I hope it all comes together.
I hope it all comes together for you Larry :)
I'm glad you're doing pretty good.
Sending best wishes your way
Best wishes making a job decision.
i have a problem with drinking, but right now, my biggest problem is my wife drining way too much. it is so hard to balance things. she works 1 day a week, and called in sick so she could stay home and drink. it is so hard for me to not give up. why do i try. i need support, and maybe she does too. i really do not know what to do.
hey, larry,
admitting you have a problem is the first step. i think you took a tremendous leap forward by admitting that. may i suggest an AA meeting? it's a place you'll find support and caring, as well as some direction as to what to do next and how to go about it. i'm sorry about your wife's drinking, but you can't support her if she doesn't want support, and she can't support you in her condition at the moment. just some thoughts from my days as an alcohol and drug counselor. i've been there myself and found not only a spirituality to help give me strength, which i had been severely lacking (even tho i was an avid member of my church at the time) but also caring, supportive people who only wanted the best for me.
and who knows? you wouldn't be the first couple who when one saw how the other began feeling better w/o alcohol, decided they wanted that for themselves as well. it happened in 2 of my marriages. all the best to you both. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you for sharing your insight with regard to drinking. I hope this helps shine a light on next steps.
i really can't believe i just said that, about having a drinking problem. I only had 2 drinks today. things have been ok. i am getting a little worried with the holidays coming. i really want to try to make new memories this year. I tried last year, it just didn't happen. I really appreciate everyone here, thank you all for the support.
:hug:
It's OK to have a problem or be conflicted about it or to not have a problem. I wish you and your wife the best as you try to navigate this difficult period for you both. Maybe you don't have such a problem with alcohol per se but with trauma and alcohol is one of your coping mechanisms but a not healthy one. I have several not healthy coping mechanisms too. You deserve to heal your trauma, Larry.
:yeahthat:
love and hugs, larry :hug:
i know drinking is a problem, just really suprised myself by admitting that. I feel good this morning. I still have some difficult things going on, some hard decisions to make. I'm just going to try to make it work, but it is really adding a lot of stress that i don't need. I have asked my wife to try to at leaset slow down a little with drinking.
I hope everyone has a great day......
Larry, in my experience saying the truth to ourself can open up so much and help us find what need to move forward in a way we would like to. I hope that you continue to find what supports you.
Larry,
I'm a recovering alcoholic. I quit to save my marriage and to support my son who was also quitting to save his marriage at the same time.
For years I said, "I drink but I don't really have a problem." Meanwhile, as I was claiming alcohol wasn't a problem, I was dealing with all the gifts that alcoholism could give me: For example: Alcohol is a depressant. (That's why people say it calms them when the truth is that it's actually depressing them). Secondly, since alcohol is so rapidly metabolized in our systems, my body had to wash it out of my system during REM sleep. Meaning: Every darn morning at about 2 am I'd wake up shaking, my heart pounding, and my body covered in sweat. My liver couldn't detoxify ANOTHER night of drinking after a thousand other nights of drinking. (Actually, a thousand nights is only 3 years. I guess it was after several thousand nights of drinking, lol) The way it was waking me up shaking and sweating was called Rebound Alertness. One of the great things about quitting is that I no longer have Rebound Alertness OR insomnia. I don't always sleep for 8 full hours, but the sleep I get is so much better than it was during the last few years that I drank.
I wasn't moving forward in my healing from trauma. The booze was just leaving me stuck in that very same spot.
On Mother's Day 2014 I drank my last bottle of wine with my wife and that was the end of it. The next morning, knowing I had been "quitting drinking" over and over again on my own, I quit minimizing my problem, admitted I couldn't quit on my own, put myself on vacation at work, and then drove to the recovery center and signed myself up for outpatient treatment, 3 hours per day, 5 days a week, for 5 weeks.
That's where I learned all about how my sleep disorders, digestive issues, and high blood pressure were ALL due to the toxins in alcohol. I learned all about the cancers that alcohol causes, the brittle bone issues, and the even MORE damage it does to friendships, marriages, father/son relationships...etc.
At the time that I quit I was drinking 2 vodka martinis a day, plus part of a third one. I drank 2.5 drinks a day, for 20 years and this was how badly the toxins were hurting me. Not long after my last drink, I lost the taste for it pretty quickly, so it's not, in any way, a torture to not drink today. In fact, it feels absolutely amazing to be able to get along without booze.
I'm only telling you about my own experiences with alcoholism. My wife only drinks a glass of wine every so many months. She was never an alcoholic, but she's in her upper fifties now and has noticed that even a single drink takes away her ability to sleep at night, so she just doesn't like doing it very often.
I'm so sorry that your wife drinks so heavily while you're trying to quit. That's a hurdle I don't know how to overcome. I got lucky, in that I was the drunk in my house, so I only had myself to deal with. Hard to say how things would have turned out for me if my wife was a heavy drinker too. Maybe if you contact some AA groups, you could ask around for advice on how to deal with your marital situation. I know that a LOT of people in AA are in your shoes too. They'd be better to answer your concerns about how to quit drinking while your wife keeps drinking. Or maybe...she'll go to an AA meeting with you????
I finally quit drinking 8 years ago. I've been glad about that ever since. But no way could I do it on my own. I needed treatment, and a good year or two of AA meetings where I got to see thousands of recovering alcoholics getting up and talking about how thankful they are to be free from the toxins in alcohol.
I hope the best for you Larry. I hope you are able to find someone who can help you with the situation that you are trying to quit while your wife is still an active drinker.
thank you rainy for being here, i really appreciate your support, it really means a lot to me.
thank you papa, i know how right you are. i have such a hard time sleeping, and i know alcohol doesn't help. sometimes i can go a day or 2 without a drink. i had a few today, maybe 6 or 7 drinks. i hate it. i just want a few more. i don't want to feel emotions. i really hate them. i didn't feel them for so long. they are still kind of new to me. i am really dissapointed with myself. i want to be strong. i feel like i have given up or let myself down. i think i am trying. maybe not trying hard enough
Hi Larry,
I hope you're doing better and wanted to say that I'm here to listen when you get help if you want to talk.
Sending you support,
dolly :sunny:
I think you are trying Larry, really hard. I learned the hard way that trying hard to heal trauma on my own just made me exhausted and worse off. I can't see how it's possible to heal alone no matter how hard you try or want to feel better.
I feel like I am finally accepting that i can not heal alone. sometimes i think i can, then bad things happen. I drank way too much last night, and rode my motorcycle home from the bar. I will probably not be welcome there again. I am so tired of this pattern.
today i did not drink at all. sitting home by myself, my wife is passed out. it has been a depressing day.
I'm so sorry, Larry.
Larry, I appreciate you sharing what is going on. We all need each other. The hard part is finding people we trust and allowing ourselves to trust that others can help. I am thinking of you.
Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, Larry. Life can be really hard sometimes and seeking the support we need when we need it takes courage and strength. I hope that you can find someone who will really help you heal. You are strong and I know that you can make it, just be gentle with yourself.
It's a long and difficult process that can have a lot of setbacks, but we're here for you if you want to talk
Take care
I really appreciate all of you. I'm sorry for not always returning the support. i feel really selfish for that. I am going to do better.
I'm not working today, the dogs had breakfast. I am depressed. I need to find friends. I am going to try to go to the gym today.
going to do my best to not drink today. I really want to go 10 days. this is only day 2 and it just started. fingers crossed....
I'm glad you are here and that you check in. The gym will be nice today.
i have been doing ok, a few bad days , but mostly good, my wife went 3 weeks without a drink. what a difference. last night she had a few, and she drank all day today. sometimes i don't want to come home. I really want to try therapy again with a different therapist. maybe i will call tomorrow. I really want christmas to be over. I think that will help. I really just want to feel normal, like everyone else. I really think I am going to try to just block everything out again. I know that isn't the answer, but it worked for so long. I just can not control emotions. they are killing me right now.
:hug:
Hi Larry, I am thinking of you.
:grouphug:
That sounds really tough, Larry.
Hi Larry,
I'm so sorry to hear that you've got those tough emotions going on. I hope that you feel a bit better at some points in the day - and hopefully for longer too. Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok :hug: Also some sunshine to brighten things up - as you made me smile when you gave me some sunshine before, and I hope to bring some sunshine to you :sunny:
Hope :)
;)
:sunny:
Hi Larry,
Wishing you the best for today. :sunny:
Hope :)
thank you hope. ;)
my wife still will not stop drinking. i usually come home to find her passed out. my room mate keeps my 3 dogs in the bedroom with her. when i am home, i am all alone. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't have anywhere else to go. i don't have friends. i don't know what to do. i really need to hang on for another week. maybe things will get better.
This is a difficult time of year - I appreciate you sharing about your experiences.
Hi Larry,
I think it's a tough time of year, and I know you have a lot to deal with - but I wanted to say that I appreciate the fact you're here, and I hope that you have some good things happen iand that 2023 will have some positive things within it for you. Sending you a hug too, and wishing you the best :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope ! things have been better, my wife stopped drinking again. i have been busy with work, that seems to help. starting therapy next week.
:sunny: :sunny: :sunny:
Let us know how it goes! I'm so relieved for you that your wife has stopped drinking right now. You have a lot of strength and courage and kindness.
thank you armee !
sending support, larry love and hugs :hug:
i just can not keep doing this, my wife is drunk again, i have been asking my "friends" for help, i feel like no one cares. what do i have to do to get help !
Larry,
I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to help but if you want to talk or want any other kind of support, please feel free to reach out anytime. I care about you and wished I could help even if it's just from afar
hey, larry, one group that has helped a lot of spouses of drinkers is Al Anon. it is very supportive and was created just for this situation. you won't feel alone or like you're the only one seeking help. best to you with this. love and hugs :hug:
thank you san magic, i wikll look that up. i have been doing pretty good with my own drinking. i still have some days where i can't seem to control emotions or anxiety. but doing mostly good i think.
the last few days have been good, i really want to keep it going. i appreciate everyone here, thank you for all the support. it really means a lot to me, i hope to be able to return the support soon.
:sunny:
Hi Larry,
Glad to hear things have been good. Whatever today is like, I send you some sunshine too :sunny:
It's raining a lot where I am right now, but imagining some sunshine!
Hope :)
I have been doing ok, still have some struggles with a few things. I'm trying to stay positive. I don't know if therapy is the answer, maybe, I am just afraid to try right now. I have been doing much better with drinking. I would still like to drink less, but I haven't been over drinking so much and I have been doing less self harm.
:hug:
Hi Larry, I am thinking of you.
thank you san magic and rainy, today was good, worked a little and went to the gym. stopped by the local bar for a drink, sometimes i ask myself why i even go there. i think i just need friends, made dinner when i got home, my wife has been up and down with her drinking. it is so hard when i come home and she is drunk. I am trying to learn how to sto the negative feelings. it doesn't always work. sometimes i just feel out of place and un wanted.
Hi Larry,
:sunny: Glad to hear you had a good day and hope the gym was enjoyable.
Hope :)
things got really bad friday night, police were invloved, and of course alcohol, my wife and i decided to quit drinking, today is day 2. I really want this, and i feel determined, i just don't know if I am strong enough.
Sending love for your journey. You'll need support, hon.
I made it through day 2. My "friends" were suppose to watch a football game with me, and they ditched me. Looks like i don't really have friends. Today is day 3 without alcohol. Doesn't seem like much, but it is a start. I am trying to find support, maybe i need to find a friend first. I am trying to stay positive, but feeling really depressed today.
You reached out on here where you get support, even if not necessarily immediately. So that's a step you took for yourself.
Day 3 without alcohol :thumbup:
I get being depressed because among other stuff that's what I am too. Today is 24 hours. Things might be better tomorrow, just a bit at least. Is there anything you can do today which could be faintly enjoyable or at least not further depressing? Might help you through today. Anything - watching youtube videos of animal antics is enjoyable for me. Wrapping self up in warm blanket.
thank you so much for the support blueberry, I am going to work soon, just for a few hours, and maybe go to the gym after that. Just trying to get motivated this morning.
Keep going, for you and your wofe! One day at a time, one decision point at a time.
thank you armee !
Today is day 4 without alcohol. Not sure what to do today. I started looking for a therapist this morning. I really want to live again.
Good job Larry! Keep going, I'm rooting for you!
thank you armee !
I have been feeling pretty good. I think making the decision to stop drinking has taken some pressure off somehow. Maybe I think things will be better without drinking. Today is day 5. I still have some issues to work through. It is only day 5, but i feel like alcohol does not control me anymore. I am working on setting boundaries. I am learning to feel good about myself without needing someone to reassure me. This feels so good, I still get a little depressed, but i have been fighing through it. Emotions have been difficult, it has been hard to stop crying, it feels like a huge burden has been lifted.
Painful but crying is good. Way to go...day 5!
Day 5! :cheer:
i got some sleep last night ! Kind of a big deal for me. Today is day 7 without alcohol. having some coffee and going to work soon. trying to work through the lneliness and depression. maybe going to the gym after work .
:cheer: :cheer:
Day 7!!!!! Way to go Larry! Keep going!
The loneliness is hard. Out of all the feelings I've had in the past several years the feeling utterly alone was the most crushing. That feeling left me curled up and sobbing and I rarely cry. You know what helped the most strangely? It was talking to a helpline using the chat function. We're here too.
Hi Larry,
Wow, that's great.
Hope that the weekend is ok - sending you some sunshine :sunny:
Hope :)
the first few days after i quit drinking were great. I was so happy for myself. today is day 8, and i have been fighting off depression and negative thoughts, also thoughts of self harm. I want that happy feeling back, i don't know what happened. I really don't want a drink, but i today i kept feeling like it just didn't matter, and why not just get drunk. I really need to find a way to be good to myself
Thinking of you Larry.
Alcohol served a purpose and it will take some time to get through what you were masking with alcohol. It will be worth it. It won't be easy. Please love yourself enough to keep going. I'm rooting for you.
thank you rainy and armee, afriend suggested anti depressants, im just so afraid of them. I am going to read about some of them and maybe try something. today was better, I have a busy work week scheduled, maybe that will help.
Today was day 9 without alcohol, it feels good saying that.
:cheer: :applause: Day 9 without alcohol :)
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
9 days is amazing!
thank you bluebery and armee !
Larry, you are working really hard and I am thinking of you on your journey. I hope that you find tools that help.
There is a lie we are told by society that we are alone and need to handle things on our own. That isn't true - there are supports out there and the trick is sorting out what works for you.
This is complicated when we live with CPTSD as we have come to rely so much on ourselves because others have hurt us. I hope that you find things that feel supportive to you.
hey, larry, congrats on your days of sobriety. as one who has been there, may i share something that's helped me along the way? it's a metaphor for cravings. they will come, much like a bus to a bus stop. each time the bus shows up, we have the choice to either get on it or not. we know another bus will come along, but each time it does, we have that same choice - either to get on the bus (go with the craving) or let it go by (do something different).
from both personal and professional experience, i've learned that the first 10 days of changing a behavior are special, in a way. you had a neg. experience that spurred you on to stop drinking, and have been doing a great job of staying stopped. your body/brain have been detoxing from the alcohol, and now that enough time has passed, they miss it and want it back. that's what a craving is all about. i've also learned that as more and more time goes by, the cravings become less intense, and as we work on our recovery - whichever way works best for us personally - we continue to learn more tools, gather more information, and increase our ability to allow those cravings to pass us by.
all the best to you with this. i know what it feels like. you're not alone. love and hugs :hug:
thank you rainy and san, I appreciate you both, and everyone here. I have been working a lot, and that seems to help. I go out for a few drinks with my co workers, and i have been drinking a non alcohol beer. today is day 11. I might have friday off, and i am going to call a therapist. i think i need help trying to manage emotions and negative thoughts and feelings. probably many other things as well. i have had a hard time sleeping, and i have had some interesting dreams, but not experiencing nightmares as often. i still feel excited to try to live without alcohol. i really never thought i would feel this way. My wife is still drinking, some days more than others.
I am so thankful for this forum and everyone here, i was in such a bad place when i found this forum, it has helped me so much.
So proud of all your progress and all the perseverance you've shown. I'm sorry your wife is still stuck. Keep going for you and eventually her. :grouphug:
Larry, this is hard work you are putting in. I hope it opens up experiences and opportunities for you.
thank you armee and rainy ! this is day 13 without alcohol. i had a pretty good day. sometimes i feel guilty when that happens. I came home after work, and of course my wife is drunk. I am making dinner for us and trying to relax. I hope everyone else had a good day today.
Next week i am going to call a therapist. things were just too busy this week.
Larry, I relate to feeling guilty or not good when I felt good or had a good day. It takes a long time and a lot of work to be ok with feeling good because it takes a lot of work to make new pathways in our brain. I hope your dinner was tasty and that you are able to find some ease.
;) thank you rainy. I have some work to do today. things are starting well this morning. having some coffee right now. it is really weird how easy it feels sometimes, like everything is ok.
Fantastic news Larry! Keep going. Keep staying present. Current moment most of the time IS pretty ok.
I have been so up and down, i don't know why i get so depressed sometimes. negative thoughts and self perception come out of nowhere. i am trying hard, but i just can't always overcome the depression. I didn't eat yesterday. not sure if i can today. the only thing i can say positive is that i have not had a drink in 14 days. this is day 15. sometimes i think a few drinks might help, but i am afraid of what that might lead too.
Thinking of you Larry. I hope you find something that feels ok to eat tofay.
thank you rainy...
feeling better this morning. i really want to enjoy the day. my wife hasn't had a drink in 2 days, but she is really irritable. I am trying to be patient, but it really raises my anxiety when she is like that.
Larry, I can relate to feeling activated by my spouse's emotions. For me that's been part of my healing journey to let my husband have his experiences and do my best to take care of myself. It is very difficult.
:grouphug:
Hi Larry,
Sending you a hug of support :hug: and also some sunshine :sunny:
Hope :)
;) i really appreciate everyone here , this forum is the only support i have right now, and it has reallly helped.
I feel good this morning. I have been reading about the benefits of not drinking, just trying to stay motivated. I feel like i have been sleeping better. i don't feel tired when i wake up. i don't know what i am going to do today, but i am going to try to enjoy it
:grouphug:
We're glad you are here Larry. Sleeping well really helps too. I'm glad that is going well for you. I'm rooting for you. You deserve to feel better.
It is hard work that you are doing. I hope you found something enjoyable today.
today is 22 days without alcohol. i never thought i would say that. i have an appointment with a therapist on april 5th, seems so far away, but i hope i can go through with it. having a few ups and downs, i don't know why it can be so hard to do be good to myself, my wife hasn't had a drink in 5 days. maybe things can get better
:hug:
Wow. Larry. That's amazing. You're doing it! :cheer:
Thank you for this update Larry. In my experience ups and downs are to be expected and can be opportunity to find what helps manage the downs in new ways.
:applause: 22 days. Keep going one day at a time.
;)
today is day 27 without alcohol ! things have been mostly good. i have had some anxiety and some depression among many other things, but i haven't been experiencing suicide ideation or dangerous behavior. sometimes i think i am ok, not sure about this therapy appointment on april 5th. maybe i should go ,
So proud of you! That's a huge accomplishment! :cheer: :cheer:
I think probably you know what the right thing is for you about the appointment so I'll just send on a few hugs of encouragement to keep moving toward healing. :grouphug: :hug: :bighug:
I appreciate you sharing this update. I am here supporting you!
thank you armee and rainy !!
today was ok, but i feel depressed and lonely. i liked things better when i didn't feel emotions. I reaally want to get back to that,
day 28 without alcohol. i want to continue, but sometimes i have a hard time justifying not drining. why am i doing this to myself? Tomorrow i am really going to try to push emotions down, i just do not want to deal with them.
Larry, I appreciate you sharing this update. I hope the feelings ease a bit.
Quote from: Larry on March 11, 2023, 01:24:47 AM
Tomorrow i am really going to try to push emotions down, i just do not want to deal with them.
I soooo get this. I'm not big on feeling my emotions at all. There are imagination exercises you can do to keep those emotions at bay for a while. I've been told that you can find them in CBT workbooks in the English-speaking world but Idk. I was taught them by various therapists myself. So they're exercises like putting any emotions or memories in a safe. My safe is waterproof, can only be opened by me and is at the bottom of a large body of water. Some people put this stuff on a film, roll it up and leave the film in some secret place or a combination: film in the safe, or film in T's office or whatever.
I've got to go, may write more later.
thank you rainy and blueberry and im sorry, i was really feeling negative for a few days. i am trying not to do that,
Hi Larry, I am learning that our feelings themselves aren't necessarily in our control. They are giving us signs of things that possibly need our attention. They give us information. I believe it is ok to be whatever it is you are being right now. I hope the strong feelings ease a bit.
Feeling ok today, I would really like to even out the ups and downs a little. I have been busy with work, seems to help a little. Still doing good with not drinking. Today is day 33. not 1 drink. I have been sleeping a little better, still having a few nightmares, but i haven't been kicking and screaming during them.
Hi Larry, you are working hard and I am here wishing you well.
:hug:
I'm so proud of how hard you are working. This is hard work. You are so strong, Larry.
thank you rainy and armee ;)
Yep, that's really hard work you're doing Larry! :applause:
thank you Blueberry ! I started getting a little depressed yesterday but i got through things. feeling good this morning. I have been thining a lot about the last year and a half. I can't believe i am still here. I was in such a bad place, I feel so much better, and i really want to try to enjoy things again. 18 days until my therapy session with a different therapist. I am trying not to think about it too much.
(36 days without alcohol ! )
Larry, I appreciate you sharing this reflection. You are doing it and it is ok to have ups and downs.
38 days without alcohol and 16 days until therapy, I am really trying not to count the days, seems like i am focusing on things too much.
Today was ok. sometimes i get some negative thoughts, it's hard to explain. but i have been doing better with recognizing that and trying to work through things.
glad to hear you're doing better, larry. keep up the good work, ok? love and hugs :hug:
It makes sense that you are counting the days to therapy. It's scary to start with someone new and it's hopeful too. It's a big deal and it's okay that you are counting down.
Larry, to me it seems like you are trying to find new ways of being and focusing on counts is something that is feeling ok to do.
I really thought not drinking would help with some of the things that i deal with everyday. Maybe things are better, but i still get negative thoughts and feelings, anxiety, out of control emotions, and i feel alone even when i am around other people. I am always trying to just stay out of the way, and not bother anyone. I think i am doing better at recognising these things. I just don't know how to handle them. today i wanted to have just 1 drink. I didn't
but i think i could and i would be ok. things have been so confusing,
Thinking of you Larry as you carry the heavy thoughts and feelings.
Way to go Larry resisting that urge to cover up all these difficult feels with just 1 drink. That's true strength.
It does suck, these feelings. There's a way out of them, but it does take time. Your T appointment must be coming up soon. It'll be a relief to have a guide through this. You won't have to figure it out alone. :grouphug:
thank you rainy and armee, T day is april 5th.
I'm proud of you Larry,
I quit drinking 9 years ago now. Quitting doesn't solve our problems but it empowers us to begin solving them. Continuing to drink only keeps the problems growing. I'm glad you have only 6 more days for your T appointment. My T was a big help while I was putting my life back together after hiding from my problems in booze for so long.
One thing that has helped me remain sober over the past 9 years is knowing that the only drink I can say no to is the first one. Once I taste it, I can't stop. Also, I learned through my AA meetings and rehab that, even if I go 20 years sober, if I taste it in 20 years, I won't start my problem over at the beginning, I'll immediately begin right where I left off. Our addiction has a memory. It doesn't restart at social drinking. It restarts at serious and progresses as if we'd never quit. Those two facts have kept me from ever believing I can have "just one" drink ever again. I drank my life-limit and I can never touch it ever again.
I'm pulling for you sir!!!! If I can do this, you can do this.
thank you papa, i really appreciate everyone here. I had a few days of depression, but i feel better this morning.
no work today ! might go for a motorcycle ride. 49 days without drinking. My wife drank a lot last night and was so mean. she apologized this morning and said she would stop drinking, i hope she does. april 5th is T day. i'm trying not to think about it too much.
I feel good this morning, just want to try to keep it that way.
Larry
49 days! AWESOME! And to do it while your wife is still drinking makes it even a bigger accomplishment. I hope the motorcycle ride is a go and helps clear your mind. Congratulations on you taking care of you!
As you know I used AA to help support me as I went through the first two years of sobriety. I can't even count the number of times people started their sharing with a big thank you to the other members for helping them stay sober. Sobriety is a gift we give to ourselves that just can't be measured because it's such a beautiful gift. Even having to deal with life's struggles sober ends up being better than hiding from life in drunkeness, (which keeps the problems going, unsolved).
The only way you can help your wife is to help yourself. Only she can stop her own drinking.
Sobriety is a gift. I have never regretted going sober. Keep it up Larry. I'm pulling for you!
Hi Larry, I appreciate you sharing this update. I hope your day was pleasant and the time away from work restorative.
I had a video call with a therapist today. I thin it went well. I have an appointment on april 25th. Not really looking forward to it, I really don't want to bring up things , but i know she can not help unless i do. I feel a little lonely today. I know a lot of people, but don't really have friends.
54 days without a drink, sometimes i don't know why i am doing this to myself, but i am trying to take it day by day. I really don't have urges to drink, but sometimes i just want to get drunk and forget....
I'm glad your video call went well. You've been waiting a long time for this appointment.
:grouphug:
Good job sticking with the first appointment! It can be very threatening feeling! There's truly no need to rush bringing things up. Developing stability and safety (feeling safe) and trust are really so important before digging into the other issues and can take a long time.
Quote from: Armee on April 06, 2023, 03:39:47 AM
:grouphug:
Good job sticking with the first appointment! It can be very threatening feeling! There's truly no need to rush bringing things up. Developing stability and safety (feeling safe) and trust are really so important before digging into the other issues and can take a long time.
:yeahthat:
Good going on not drinking too :cheer:
thank you everyone !
well done all around, larry. keep up the good work! love and hugs :hug:
You are very brave and strong. I sent you a message as I had seen some posts from you that sounded difficult times. Sorry, it might have been from a different time. Well done for your brave journey so far!
Thinking of you Larry.
58 days without a drink, i just couldn't do it anymore, I found the vodka my wife keeps hidden, and i plan on drinking all of it. I just get to where i don't know what else to do. I don't want to die, but I don't want to keep feeling the pain i live with. I am so lost. I hope I wake up tomorrow
Thinking of you Larry. Hope you can NOT drink, but standing with you however you decide.
Just want to let you know that alcohol isn't one of my addictions but I lean on the addictions I do have with great regularity. So, from that point of view, standing with you.
:hug:
Stay with us, Larry
I'm sorry, i give up. i don't know what to do. i just want to be numb, and forget, or just not be here anymore
It's normal to feel that way, with untreated cPTSD. :grouphug:
It really sucks, but it is also treatable. Hang in there the best you can. Survive to tomorrow. Throw on a movie, go for a walk, play a dumb video game like fruit ninja. Just make it to tomorrow alive.
:yeahthat:
Zone out some way. Sleep (if you can).
I hope you are okay. I understand you feel hopeless right now, but there is always a grain of light. I feel for you.
I am so sorry, i don't know why i get that way. I drank a lot last night, I really don't like doing that to myself. I had a long talk with a friend, turns out she is seeing the same therapist as I am. She is 9 months sober, and on meds, seems to be working for her. I might be willing to try meds, I have always been so afraid of them. I just want to feel normal
I'm glad you are here, Larry.
thank you Armee :)
Larry, I am glad you had that conversation with your friend and hope that you find a way that works for you. I am glad you are here.
thank you rainy... I really try not to get like that,
Larry, from where I am sitting, you are a human and we don't always get it right. I hope that you find ways to lessen the burden you are carrying.
:yeahthat:
Well said Rainy, and Larry, I agree. It's OK, Larry, it's trauma. You've started back up with therapy after a rough first go of it. Be proud if you can. (If you can't that's OK too, I can't take positive)
Have you read Gabor Mate's book on addiction and trauma, "in the realm of hungry ghosts?" If not it might really help you understand what's going on and not be so hard on yourself?
I am glad you are here Larry, I'm glad you came back.
I didn't want to write this before but the T of an old mbr on here used to say something like "it's not a case of if we fall back on our addictions but when" And sure it's great for those who manage to never go back to their addictive behaviour, but as rainy wrote we're humans. And we have cptsd which messes with feeling, among other things.
thank you Rainy, Armee and Blueberry for understanding and for the support. Today is my birthday, I was thinking of having 1 drink, that was before the other day happened. Not going to do it, I don't even like drinking.
I feel good this morning. I don't have any plans for the day, might just lay in bed for a while
Happy Birthday Larry :sunny: :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: :hug:
Happy birthday Larry!!!!
I'll make sure to do something enjoyable in your honor!
thank you :)
happy birthday, larry. you're giving yourself a great gift! love and hugs :hug:
Happy birthday Larry! I hope your day includes joy.
Happy birthday, Larry.
thank you everyone, I don't know why i do this to myself, I'm sitting home alone, having some drinks. I don't have any friends to talk to, no one to hang out with. I don't know what else to do, this is the only way i know how to cope...
:hug:
I failed today too, Larry. It was a tough tough night and tough tough day and I didn't do anything fun. It may not be the healthiest but I'll toast a glass of wine to your birthday tonight and we can both try again tomorrow for healthier coping. Here's to Larry...one of the bravest kindest men I've had the pleasure to know. You deserve love and friendship and kindness. You have persevered and keep going. To you!
thank you armee ! you are going to make me cry, Here is to a better day for us both tomorrow !
today is a new day, larry. we get a do-over. one day at a time, ok? could it be the therapy thing has triggered you?. be gentle w/ yourself - you deserve that as much as anyone else. love and hugs :hug:
thank you sanmagic, it is possible therapy could have something to do with it, and when i'm alone i think i get depressed and have negative thoughts.
today was ok, and i am working all day tomorrow, it helps if i stay busy
I had a busy day today, and decided i might want 1 or 2 drinks tonight. A friend of mine is seeing the same therapist that i am going to see, and she is on meds, sober 9 months and happy. almost makes me want to try meds instead of alcohol. trying to cope without anything has been difficult, I really hope i can just have 2 drinks tonight. Not seeing this new therapist until the 25th.
I had my first session with a new therapist today. it wasn't as bad as i expected, but i had severe anxiety for several hours after the session. i feel a little better now. i want to give it a few sessions, but i don't know if this is the right therapist. i think i am ready to try meds, i really don't like all the anxiety and depression,
larry, after i quit drinking, meds helped my anxiety and depression a lot. congrats to you for seeing the therapist. i hope it keeps going well for you. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
I'm glad that you've seen your therapist and had that first session. Hoping it goes ok for you as time goes on.
:hug:
Hope :)
the last few days have been mostly good. i still get a little depressed and lonely, just trying to stay busy
sounds like a good plan, larry. keep it up, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
Sending you some sunshine for today. :sunny: Also sending you love and hugs :hug:
Hope :)
thank you sanmagic and hope ;) , i have been feeling pretty good. i hope everyone has a nice day
Hi Larry, stopping by to say I am thinking of you.
thank you rainy ! i appreciate you ! I have been pretty good today, sometimes it feels like depression is trying to sneak up on me, but so far i haven't let that happen. not sure if i am going to continue with the therapist i just started with. i know i should give it more than 1 session.
larry, i don't like to 'should' anyone. i've always heard to give T's and groups 6 chances. it's worked well for me. sometimes the first time i may not be in a good place, or the T might be off. i'm just encouraging you to give it at least one more try, see how you feel afterward. love and hugs :hug:
thank you sanmagic !
depression just comes out of nowhere, and i am having such a hard time trying to stay focused on the present. I missed my session today, busy work schedule, i hope things are better tomorrow
I'm sorry to hear that, Larry. I hope it is easier tomorrow. :grouphug:
This last bit of depression didn't last as long as it usually does, I can't see my therapist until the 16th. I really need someone to talk to now and then, I really don't have anyone, I think that migt help alot. I have a busy week , hoping for the best
:hug:
Hi Larry, I have experienced how helpful it is to have someone listen even if what I share is dark and painful. It is also difficult to find the right person or people. You are doing hard work and I am cheering for you.
thank you rainy ! I had a bit of an emotional meltdown last night, but i feel much better today, going to make it a good day !
:hug:
today was nice, i did drink more than i wanted too, but i didn't over do it. i had a good time, that doesn't seem to happen as much as i would like. i have a session on tuesday. my T referred me to a doctor that might help with some meds. i can't believe i am even considering meds, but i don't want to use alcohol anymore. i just want to feel normal
:bighug:
Your doing it - I'm so glad your pushing thru it all
:)
I have been hacing a hard time the last few weeks, I had a session last week, my next session is 3 weeks away, I made an appointment with another doctor, i want to try some meds, but the earliest appointment was 5 weeks away. the only "friend" that i could talk to has not been returning calls or texts. I feel really hopeless. the negative thoughts just take over. i have been looking for some kind of support group. I live on a small island, there is not much here. i don't know why it is so hard to find a friend, i am really trying not to hurt myself, but i don't know what else to do right now
I'm sorry, Larry. :hug: it's not ok to have to go 3 weeks between therapy with what you are dealing with. Will the new T be able to see you more regularly soon? Hang in there for that med appointment. 5 weeks isn't long considering how long you've been going for already. It'll be here before you know it.
I'm so sorry you are struggling Larry.
My supportive thoughts are with you.
If okay I send you a safe virtual hug :hug:
thank you moondance, i am just dissappointed right now, i didn't want to drink today, i feel like if i don't, i might do other sh things
hang tough, larry, ok? one day at a time, just think about getting thru today in the least harmful way possible. the weeks will take care of themselves - all we have to do is take care of one day, then one day, and so on. love and hugs :hug:
thank you everyone, I am feeling better, i don't know what happened, or why i get that way.
It is ok to have ups and downs. I hope that in the long run they can level out a bit so it doesn't feel so extreme.
thank you rainy ;)
Thinking of you and hoping you are safe. :grouphug:
thank you armee, I have been ok, trying to break this pattern i seem to get stuck in. I did some gardening this morning and might go to the gym this afternoon. sometimes i feel like i have to really work hard to fight off negative thoughts and depression, I have an appoinment with a doctor on june 19th, hoping maybe some meds might help even things out a little.
i hope meds will help, larry. keep fighting. the ups and downs seem to be kind of normal, no rhyme or reason. i give you a lot of credit for trying to break unhealthy patterns. i'm a gardener, too, and find it to bring a sense of grounding. hang tough, ok? love and hugs :hug:
Hi Larry,
I know you have your appointment coming up in a couple of days, and hope that it goes ok.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thinking of you Larry, between father's day and your appointment tomorrow. Hang in there. :grouphug:
I appreciate all of you ! I was prescribed prozac and hydroxyzine. I threw the prozac away, i'm not ready for that. I have been doing mostly good, I still get lonely and feel like i don't have friends. just trying to be good to myself.
larry, i respect your choices about meds. i also think it may be a good idea to tell your T about it, just in case there's something, some other reason behind it. just a thought. i haven't taken all my meds i've been prescribed, but i've found it helpful to let the doc/therapist know why. i've gotten some good options from them.
keep going - you're doing really well. good step! love and hugs
thank you sanmagic ! I have a session tuesday, might have to reschedule due to work......
:wave:
I hope it goes well today, if you are able to go. I have my therapy today too. I find it both helpful and painful and anxiety-inducing. Love/hate relationship with therapy for sure.
I hope the medication you chose to take helps and if not that you can go back and adjust it with the prescribing doctor. From what I've read it takes awhile to get the right mix and match for each individual.
I'm not too familiar with prozac...what made you not want to take that one?
i don't know , i think i just don't want to feel like i need meds to be normal? also some side effects, which i am probably blowing out of pproportion. I missed my session, not sure when i can get another appointment. I might call tomorrow. I felt ok today, spent some time with my wife, which was nice. i would really like to find some friends, i just don't know where to begin.
Hi Larry,
sorry to hear you've experienced some side-effects - maybe they will go away after a while? Or maybe they could try another type of meds? I hope you're able to get another appointment sometime soon. Glad to hear you enjoyed some time with your wife.
I hope that things are going ok for you this week so far. However they're going, I hope you're doing ok.
Hope :)
thank you hope,... I am doing ok, my wife hasn't been drinking the last few days, things almost seem normal. i am not working today, going to the gym and maybe the beach. i don't have anything scheduled with my therapist, not sure what to do. i only get to see her every 3 weeks, doesn't seem like enough. i do have an appointment soon woth the doctor that prescribed prozac, might cancel that.
I agree every three weeks isn't ideal and would leave me feeling very unsettled in between. :grouphug:
coming up on my busiest time of year a work, maybe in 3 or 4 weeks i might make another attempt at therapy. things have been ok. i had 6 drinks last night, not to bad, and i do have days when i don't drink at all. i really want to focus on getting healthier, i have been eating ok, i really need to eat more, i have beeen working a lot, so onlky making it to the 1 or 2 times a week. i like being busy, keeps me occupied and more present.
i haven't had a session in 4 or 5 weeks, next one is aug 7th, i hope i can make it, i have been really frustrated with some co workers.
it hurts when they act like a frined and then take advantage of you. I had a few good days last week, it felt nice, trying to get through today. today is day 2 again w/o alcohol. i haven't been over drinking, and i go 2 or 3 days without, but i really want to stop for a month.
sounds like a good goal, larry. best to you with that. love and hugs :hug:
I'll be sending along some support to you in your next session, if you go, and in abstaining from alcohol for 30 days. I agree with San, they are good goals you've set. :grouphug:
Best wishes Larry.
Hi Larry,
I support you in your decision - no easy feat. I send encouraging and validating thoughts to you.
:hug:
;) thank you....
I have had a good week, but tonight i feel lonely and abandoned, i don't know why, it just happens. i don't have many frineds, and being home alone is difficult. i try not to go out to a bar, it usually doesn't end well. I am trying to feel normal. going to take a few sleeping pills, maybe get some sleep, and try again tomorrow.
Hi Larry, I hope you get some refreshing rest.
Hi Larry,
I hope you were able to get some refreshing sleep and that the day has been ok. Sending you a hug :hug: and some sunshine too :sunny:
Hope :)
going to see a different therapist next friday, not sure if seeing 2 therapists is a good idea, i just feel like the one i have been seeing isn't really trama informed, although i do like her and she has been very helpful.
Good luck, Larry. I had to explore a few therapists before I found a good one who understood trauma. I hope your new therapist is better informed and can give you better support.
thank you !
I had a session friday with a new therapist, the first session always seems to be difficult, but it was helpful, had a session today with my usuall therapist, again very helpful, but not sure if seeing 2 different therapists at the same time is good? I have had a good week, it happens now and then, i know it will not last, it always crashes for no reason, just trying to enjoy it for now
yesterday was tough, i really need to find some friends, going to stay positive today, even if i have to do it alone
:hug:
I'm sorry yesterday was tough. I'll be thinking of you today and sending wishes for a positive day
cancelled my session today, i just couldn't do it. been having a hard time with people that call me their friend, i need to find some real friends. been spending a lot of time alone
:hug:
just got home, spent sunday night in the hospital, monday night being "evaluated" , I did have some drinks sunday, i wanted to sleep so i took some pills, some people i think over reacted and called police. i'm not really sure where to go from here
today was ok, a lot of people checking on me, makes me feel a little better knowing someone cares
trying to find something to do today to stay busy. going to make myself go to the gym, not sure what to do after that....
:hug:
the gym was niced, really helped, My wife has stopped binge drinking, the whole thing with me getting drunk, eating sleeping pills and getting baker acted really scared her. i hope we can turn things around. I need to find some support. might try aa, not my thing but just need support. I have looked for on line groups , just haven't found anything. makes me want to start a support group in my area
Good luck finding something that will help you, Larry. :hug:
I hope you find supportive and safe people Larry.
:hug:
thank you ;) , the last few days have been pretty good, today is day 6 without drinking. i don't like to drink, and i don't seem to be addicted, i don't get withdrawals, and i feel good. i have a busy week ahead, and 2 sessions coming soon. i feel really positive today, i hope i can keep it going
Hi Larry,
You're an internet friend and I'm genuinely concerned about how things turn out for you. I've been reading your posts and struggles for around two years now. It's with the utmost sincerity and care that I say, from an outside perspective, that maybe you are in denial about having an addiction and being an alcoholic? Your posts over the last two years are a cycle of wanting to get clean and not drink, and then falling into trouble from drinking too much. I don't think you are a bad person for doing this, or that there is anything wrong with you, but I wonder if you're going to find the happiness you want if you're not completely honest with yourself about what's going on, or before something does go seriously wrong.
Again, I'm just an anonymous stranger on the internet and very much not a doctor, clinician, or anyone able to prescribe a diagnosis. These are just my observations. I hope you're able to find the help that you need and the courage to follow through with that help.
Sending you support,
dolly
thank you dolly, i know you are right, i need to wake up, alcohol has been a way of coping for too long, i ight go to an aa meeting, i know a few people that have offered to go with me. tomorrow will be day 8, i think i can do this, but i still need to find a healthy way to cope. i think i need more than just therapy. i over dosed last weekend, was baker acted, it was awful, but it was the wake up call i think i needed. i appreciate the support from everyone here, i really need it right now.
:hug:
Sending you positive and caring thoughts Larry
We are here to support you where you are at. You might be right you aren't addicted per se. But using it to cope, which has its own cycle Dolly pointed out and it's own damage. One day you'll be ready for the help that is there whether it is consistent therapy, AA, or something else. For now I'm proud of those good stretches you give yourself at the gym, not drinking etc.
I have an appointment with a doctor in a few weeks, i am willing to try meds, i want to be done with self medicating. today is day 8, i don't want to go back to day 1 . I really appreciate everyone here. i don't know where else to turn to for support.
Larry,
I don't like trying to tell other people how to live their lives. So I don't. But I do feel like it's good for me to share my experiences just so I can let people see if what worked for me might work for them. What you do with my personal booze report below is totally up to you. I have deep respect for you, and I just want to share how my experience with booze was, in case anything I say resonates with you.
---
I understand being addicted to alcohol without it being a genetic physical addiction. I was like that for many years. I could stop drinking for weeks at a time and never have withdrawals, because my body really didn't process alcohol the way genetic alcoholics' bodies do. That being said, however, behavioral addictions do the same damage to our bodies and families as chemical addictions do. I couldn't stop drinking on my own. It was mental weakness for me, not withdrawals. When my son was put into rehab, I didn't want to be drinking when he came out, so I put myself through outpatient rehab. 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, 5 weeks. They kept calling me a liar because I wasn't having any withdrawals or even craving any more drinks. They had to call me a liar, because almost everyone I was in treatment with WAS a liar. It's part of their business. LOL.
The rehab was really important to me because it really helped me understand how much damage the booze was doing to my body and family. I learned that daily consumption of excessive alcohol was killing my liver. I couldn't sleep a whole night. I'd wake up at 1-3 AM every morning, sweating like I was in a shower. Heart racing. Alcohol processes through the liver during the hours of about 1-3 am every day. Like it knows our sleep rhythm or something. Daily use of alcohol causes cancer, bone density loss, immune system weaknesses, etc, etc, etc. This is whether I was a chemical addict or just a behavioral addict. The booze does the same damage to us whether we're physically addicted or not.
Addiction can be serious even when there is no chemical addiction. Gambling, Cannabis, Internet porn, Shopping, Thrill seeking. There are hundreds of addictions we can become controlled by that have no physical addictive qualities. It's all about how emotionally addicted we are to where we get our dopamine hits in the brain.
I know how incredibly hard it is to stop any addiction. Smoking was the worst for me. Alcohol was second worst. Smoking gave me weeks of horrible withdrawals. Alcohol: Not even one minute of physical withdrawal. However, since I quit, I now sleep through the night. I don't sweat like I'm swimming anymore. I don't refuse offers to do things at night anymore. I used to refuse to go anywhere or see anyone at night because at 5;00 I started pouring. And, whether I was chemically addicted or not, I really wanted to pour and sip and guzzle and forget how miserable I was.
Looking back, I can also say that as long as an addiction is medicating us, no real help can be given to us. Quitting self-medicating, opened up my brain to receive proper support from proper places for my CPTSD. During the years I drank, I was on pause. No healing. No forward motion. Once I quit drinking, I was able to start moving forward again in my healing.
My heart really reaches out to you, Larry. I KNOW how hard it is to be where you are, and I know how wonderful it is to finally put drinking in the past. I know I can't drink again. My addiction was not true alcoholism, it was addictive behaviors that let me drink the poison even though I didn't physically need it. The poison went into my body, whether I was chemically addicted or just behaviorally addicted. Same poison. Same damage.
I can't drink again. I know that the ONLY drink I can say no to is the first one. So I don't have the first one.
I'm pulling for you my friend.
wow, thank you so much PC, that makes so much sense, i always thought i wasnt addicted because i do not get physical withdrawal. I really want to break the pattern i have been in, i want to, i hope i can do it. i need to work on so many things, and alcohol is delaying the healing i need. i don't know why i never saw that before.
Thank you armee and moondance for your support, and thank you dolly,
sometimes it is hard to imagine never having another drink, i am going to try , tomorrow is day 9, maybe some meds wil help. i have a session next monday, and im trying to get an appointment with a doctor, I feel like things are going to get really difficult, but i know this is what i need.
I'm really glad to hear that you have people around you that are willing to go to an AA meeting with you. It does sound like you have supportive people in your life even if it may not feel that way at times. I sincerely hope that you can take them up on that offer even if you find AA might not be the best fit eventually. However, you might also meet people who are/were in a very similar situation to where you are right now, and that might be the help you need. I'm also not in your shoes going through this, but I can imagine that taking that step and facing these things must feel like the hardest thing you've probably ever had to do.
I hope that you don't have to go back to day 1 either, and even if you do, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person for doing so.
Sending you support,
dolly :hug:
thank you dolly ! i feel good today, actually got some sleep last night. hoping to have a good day.
Hi Larry,
I haven't touched on this in my own journal but yes I totally relate to you and what PC wrote about alcohol addiction.
I drank for approximately 3 to 4 yrs to drown out the CSA and SA and all other pain i didnt want to feel or deal with. My history includes attending Alateen at a young age so I knew all about 12 step groups and some FOO were in Alanon and AA. I did go to AA for 10 years.
I mention the above for relating purposes but i also felt that even though I didn't really believe I was an alcoholic (no physical withdrawals for me either) following the steps, doing the work was very helpful to me at that time. It gave me focus, it gave me direction, it gave me inner awareness and of course support.
So yes you are not alone in this.
We stand with you and for you on this journey. We care about what happens to you. That may be difficult to take in but it's true.
thank you moondance, i really appreciate everyones support, I have a session tomorrow, not looking forward to it, i really don't want to tell my T what happened. today is 14 days without a drink. things have been good the last 2 weeks. i have had some issues, but i have been handling things much better. still not sleeping much, not sure what to do about that
Hi Larry,
I'm glad you're doing better :cheer: To me, I would say that you need to be as honest with your t as possible because it means as being honest with yourself as possible. You might not like what they have to say, or what's being reflected back to you, but the process of recovery and healing isn't an easy one. These aren't easy things to face, but it does get better with each step you take. You just have to take the first step. These are just my thoughts.
Sending you support buddy,
dolly
thank you dolly, my session went well, better than expected. we worked on a safety plan, and i feel focused. I really do not want to go back to the place i was held at. My wife has not been drinking, and i think that really helps me. Today is day 16. I have been so tired, i thought not drinking might help my sleep, but not yet, been trying to work as much as possible, i just need to stay busy. next session is with a different T, on Monday.
Hi Larry,
That's great news. It sounds like you guys are making progress. I think it's understandable that you are having problems sleeping. To me, the alcohol sounds like it would drown out all the feelings/emotions coming up that are interfering with your sleep. Once you begin processing those things, your sleep may get better, which is probably easier said than done, but a necessary step if you want to move past this stuff. Unfortunately, as much as a lot of us would like to, we can't run from this stuff or drown it out forever. I think once we begin facing it, it gets easier over time.
I hope your next session goes well and we're all rooting for you,
dolly
thank you dolly !
i feel good this morning, trying to work on self care, something i have always had a hard time with, also trying to work on socialising, and not feeling so awkward around people
Hi Larry,
I also hope that your next session goes well. Really pleased to see you felt good this morning.
I am also rooting for you.
Hope :)
missed my last 2 therapy sessions, i have been feeling good, went to the gym yesterday, painted the shed, getting some things done. really trying to focus on myself without being selfish.
I had a good session yesterday, a friend offered to go to an AA meeting with me on monday, trying not to think about it much, i hope i can go throught with it.
I drank a lot last night, trying not to beat myself up over it. today was nice, going to an AA meeting tomorrow morning, working tomorrow afternoon.
I did it ! I went to my first AA meeting, a friend went with me, i don't think i could have done it alone. might go again tomorrow.
I had a lot of anxiety before and during the meeting, but feeling much better now. I have to work this afternoon, and have a softball game tonight. hoping to have a good day !
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
thank you armee ! i can't believe how good i feel right now, like i acomplished something i thought would never happen. ;)
Larry, this is great. Well done.
Hope :)
thank you hope !!
went to a meeting again today, oepn discussion about self acceptance , allowing myself to be wrong and allowing others to be wrong. it was really good for me, i needed to hear what others were sharing. i did have a few drinks last night, but didn't over drink, i would like to stop feeling like a need a few. i'm going to try to enjoy today.
Keep going, you're doing amazing work Larry. :hug:
Hi Larry,
I'm really glad you were able to connect with the other members of the group. I hope you keep going back.
Sending you support,
dolly
thank you armee and dolly ;) , i have been feeling pretty good, missed the meeting yesterday and today, might go tomorrow. really trying to focus on my boundaries with others without being selfish.
i did not sleep at all last night, but feeling positive this morning. trying to stay away from negative people and find some support. the aa meeting was good for that, but i missed it again today. i really would like to find a cptsd support group, i have thought about trying to start one in my area, i think that is the biggest thing i need right now, been doing really good with not drinking. a few days ago i was getting depressed, and having self harm thoughts, but i was able to recognise what was happening, and things did not get out of control. i feel pretty good about that ;)
trying to fight off depression this morning. it's hard feeling isolated.
i had a few drinks last night, it always starts with just wanting 1 or 2, i didn't over drink, and i feel ok this morning, going to try to get some work done and maybe go to the gym today
Hi Larry,
I hope that you managed to get some work done, as you hoped, and also that you were able to go the gym, if you still felt like doing so.
Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope !
been having a hard time the last few days, i don't know what to do, nothing is working, i feel like a few drinks will help.
today was better, i didnt drink, went to the gym, and got some work done. having a hard time finding support, i might try to go to an aa meeting again
kind of lonely today, it's hard spending so much time alone, feeling isolated and unwanted. i don't really know what to do.
today was ok, did some gardening, watched some sports with people i know at the local bar. didn't drink, and havent in 3 days. my wife is putting a lot of pressure on me to call my mother. i haven't talked to her since i attempted suicide. i am going to try to call her tomorrow. i just don't want to talk about what happened with her. i know it will come up. next session is tuesday.....
Hi Larry,
That sounds like a difficult conversation with a lot of emotions coming up. Your t might be a good source to help you develop some ideas for dealing with it. Sorry you're feeling alone and isolated. I hope you're able to reach out to some of the help around you.
Sending you support,
dolly
Hey Larry, it's great that you have hobbies like gardening. And good job not drinking while at the bar. That sounds like an emotionally loaded call with a lot of potential pain, I wish you luck.
I find that visualising a call going well repeatedly, and complimenting myself for it in the buildup, can make it easier. Though that's just my experience.
thank you dolly and crane ! My mothers b day is in 3 days, i'm going to call her, i hope we can avoid talking about what happened.
i planted a blackberry bush yesterday. going to try to make it to the gym again today.
i got some sleep last night !! feeling good this morning. i have a session later today,
I did some work around the house this morning, and my session was really good today ! I went to the gym after my session, and i feel really good right now. My T suggested working on self care, and i might try another AA meeting.
:cheer:
Hi Dolly, thank you for being here !
I'm going to do my best to make today a great day. I'm really trying to stay positive and focus on myself without being selfish.
Hi Larry,
I truly respect the work you're putting in to feeling better. I hope you have a great day today, and that there are even more great days to come.
thank you PC, ;)
today was really good, i went to an AA meeting, i sat quietly and didn't say anything, i was afraid i would get to emotional. at the end of the meeting one lady recognised me as being new, and they gave me a 1 day chip, everone applauded and congratulated me, and even hugged me, it was so hard not to cy, the amount of acceptance and support was overwhelming. One of the guys offered to be my sponsor, and we exchanged numbers. My T, and everyone here helped make it possible for encouraging me to go to a meeting.
A friend went with me to the first meeting, and met me before the second meeting to help me mentally prepare. this would have never happened without the support from all of you. i can not thank everyone enough !!
I feel like i have hope again, and maybe i can be happy and enjoy things again, i really want this feeling to last !!
Hi Larry,
So proud of you buddy and like Papa Coco said, I admire what you're doing. Cry if you want to. None of us here are going to judge you for it.
You're not alone and there's people you can turn to when you need.
:cheer: :sunny:
Sending you support,
dolly
thank you dolly, i dont know aht happened , but i dont know why i even try. i just want to give up
Hey Larry,
To me, part of the process of healing is going back and understanding what triggered you and looking at how/why/where that happened etc. It sounds as if you were doing good and then something happened, and now you've come to a place where you feel hopeless instead of being able to hold onto some of the good feelings and see that your efforts are not hopeless.
Maybe someone at the meeting, your sponsor, your t, or on here can help you unpack that stuff? It's easy to go from zero to 60, but it also seems like it leads to some dark thoughts. Maybe you can put some speed bumps in there.
Sending you support,
dolly
thank you dolly, i feel better today, i'm not sure what made me want to drink yesterday. i was having lunch with friends, i think i started feeling left out, and not accepted. i have a session on tuesday, and i hope to make it to a meeting tuesday morning
I had some depression and negative thoughts last night, but was able to manage things, and got a little sleep !! feeling ok this morning, going to work and hoping to have a good day
So proud of you! That's a huge success! :cheer:
thank you armee !!
feeling good this morning, enjoying some coffee before work. today is day 3 without a drink. i have had so many day 1's this month, might try to go to a meeting tomorrow morning
:hug:
Way to go Larry! Multiple Day 1s are important too! It'd be awesome to make it to another AA meeting and get that support, not just for drinking but for yourself too.
thank you armee !
my wife went to the doctor today, she has had abdominal pain for 2 weeks, they sent her to the hospital, they did a ct scan, and found advanced liver cirrhosis. her liver is shutting down, and going to need a liver transplant. going to have to take her to the mainland tonight. the hospital on our island is not very big. i feel so helpless . i don't want her to die. she is all i have
Oh Larry. I am so so so sorry. I'll be sending tons of love and luck your way. It's not fair.
:hug:
Hi Larry,
I'm sorry, that must be so difficult. :hug:
Sending you support,
dolly
thank you san and dolly. it has been a hard few days. my wife is home, still in some pain. i am on day 5, trying not to drink, not sure how else i am going to cope with everyhting. i am going to try to go to a meeting tomorrow, and i have an appointment with my
psychiatrist in a few weeks, i might try meds, not sure yet. i feel like maybe it's too late, like maybe i should just drink, but i know that isn't the answer. i'm just really afraid of loosing my wife
Hi Larry,
I am so sorry to hear your recent news about your wife's health. Sending you both support and strength at this time :grouphug:
Hope :)
thank you hope...
i went to a meeting this morning, it was really nice way to start the day.
i can't even try to have fun with friends, i don't know what happened, but i had to leave early, i just couldn't take it and wanted to go home. i just want to cry. i should be home anyway, i need to spend more time with my wife
today was better, finally got the meds my wife needs. trying to stay hopeful. i missed my last session, next one is not until the 28th.
i really want to go to some aa meetings next week, i really enjoy the support i have been getting there. today is day 7, tomorrow will be day 8 without a drink, feels good
I am so so happy you are getting good support and feel like it's helpful to go, and that you have the meds your wife needs right now.
Congrats on day 8! :cheer:
thank you armee,
yesterday, one of my dogs died, my wife was so attached to him, he was older, but it was unexpected, he had heart failure. it is going to take some time for both of us.
A lot of things happend last week, not sure i can handle much more.
Hi Larry,
My sincere condolences to you and your wife regarding your dog's death. :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope,
yesterday was day 9, and i messed it all up. i drank last night. drank too much. i'm really dissappointed with myself this morning. i don't want to drink anymore, but i don't know what else to do
You made it 9 days! Next time getting to 10,11, 15 will be that much easier. Do you have a sponsor yet that you can call when you need to do something but don't know what to do?
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog. That's so difficult especially now.
I do have a sponsor, i should have called him, i thought i was just going to have 1 or 2,
today was day 1 and i made it, i really want to focus on my health.
Hi Larry,
I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. It's really hard when a pet dies. I was devastated when my cat died, and took it really, really hard.
Maybe it will take some time to realize that you do have other options like calling your sponsor, or going to a meeting when you feel like you don't know what else to do, but they are there. :grouphug:
Sending you support,
dolly
thank you dolly ;)
just finished doing some gaardening , and re planted a few house plants. I am going to try to be productive today. might go to the gym later
not sure what happened, i just want to hide from everyone, need to be alone for a while, i just want to feel accepted, why is it so hard
not sure what happened yesterday, feeling a little better this mornining, but still don't want to be around anyone. maybe it's the holidays aproaching. i already know i am going to drink later today. not even going to try to fight it. i just want to get numb
:hug:
Maybe as you go through your day and find some activities that ground you you might remember to call your sponsor for help, so you don't have to get through the day alone.
You are going through so much, Larry.
thank you armee, i should have done that, having a sponsor is still new to me. tomorrow is a holiday i do not want to deal with. i just want to forget, i don't want to do this anymore, i want to drink until i do not wake up
Hi Larry,
I know you're not at all looking forward to tomorrow - but I hope that you are ok, and wanted you to know that I'm sending you some sunshine :sunny:
Also a hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope,
today was ok, worked this morning, i tried to think of it as any other day. i didn't drink today. my next session is tuesday, i missed my last session, i need to have them more often. seeing the psych doctor in 3 weeks, a little nervous about that one. she doesn't know about the baker act incident, not sure if i should tell her. i just want to get through the end of the year
had a nice day today, worked all day and had a nice dinner with my wife. no plans for tomorrow yet, might try to go to a meeting in the morning
spent some time with a friend today, felt really nice. i had a lot of friends before i moved here, i feel so alone here, i just want to feel accepted. i really try to be good to myself, but sometimes i want to give up. it is so exhausting
I have a session today, might go to the gym after. Things have been ok. I haven't been to a meeting in a while. I really would like to go more often
My session went well, I need to work on eating and taking care of myself. I am trying to make a meal plan with my wife. Going to do some work this afternoon and hopefully make it to the gym
Hi Larry,
I'm glad to hear that your session went well. I hope that your meal plan with your wife goes well. Hope you make it to the gym, if you still feel like it later.
Hope :)
thank you hope,
I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks, but a lot has happened, been dealing with so many things. I really need to get back in the habit, it really helps me stay focused. I have been doing good with drinking. but i still get some negative thoughts and emotions. not sure what i need to do to balance things out
today has been nice so far, ran some errands with my wife, going to make a smoothie and get some work done, really going to try to make it to the gym today
i don't know why i keep doing this to myself, i drank a lot last night, found myself on the bridge, trying to reach out for help. i called the hotline, they try, but it wasn't much help. i made it home, not a good night
I'm so sorry there's so much suffering for you Larry. I'm really glad you called a hotline even if they aren't a ton of help it's still something. And I'm more glad you made it home. Your wife needs you through this process, and there's healing for you down the line too. I hope you can tell your T and sponsor. You're going through a lot. It's too much to handle alone. But you have people who care about you, including us here.
Hi Larry,
I am so glad that you made it home safely, and I am also glad that you called the hotline.
Take care.
Hope :)
thank you armee and hope ;)
today was ok, worked a little, enjoying and evening at home. i need to do something to break the cycle i have been stuck in.
I'm glad you made it home too Larry! I'm stuck in a bad cycle atm too. Except I just give up and go back to bed, for hours, so at least it's not potentially fatal. For both of us, baby steps upwards help :sunny: :sunny:
thank you blueberry,
I think i need to spend more time alone, i need to find peace within myself
:hug:
thank you sanmagic ;)
I feel like i have a lot of personal work to do, i need to learn how to love and accept myself. it's not going to be easy, but i think i am worth it
had a good day today, feeling positive. going to try to go to the gym tomorrow.
the last few days have been mostly good. trying to get motivated today. I went to the gym yesterday for a quick workout, might try to go again today. I haven't been to a meeting in a while, i want to try to go again. the support there is amazing and what i really need.
I'm trying no to think too much about the holiday. the last few years i tried to make new memories, and tried to enjoy the season, but as the day gets close i lost focus. maybe this year?
today was ok, but i just feel like crying right now, i don't know why... i really want to make it to the 8 am meeting tomorrow, i need the support, i need the comfort i get from people i barely know, i just want to feel normal and accepted
Hi Larry,
I hope you are able to make the meeting tomorrow - as I know you want to get there for it.
I'm glad that today was ok. I know you feel like crying just now - that's ok too! Emotion is ok. I sometimes feel like crying too, and if I allow myself to act on that thought, it can feel better. I don't know if it's the same for you, but if you act on your crying wish, that's ok.
Sending you some sunshine - :sunny: and also a hug :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope, I didn't make it to a meeting today, i don't know why, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, and i really do not want to go. I have seen her 1 time before about 3 months ago. I want to try meds, but i am so afraid. I had some drinks tonight, it makes me feel so much better. Not sure how i made it home. i am trying to hang on,
My appointment went ok, going to try zoloft. I feel good today, and did not drink yesterday. I am trying to get motivated this morning, i want to take the dogs to the beach and go to the gym today.
Sounds like an awesome day Larry!
I took the dogs for a walk and made it to the gym ! having a good day so far. today is my 25 year anniversary, taking the wife out to dinner tonight.
I picked up my prescription but i am afraid to take it. I feel like i don't need it right now, but I know how my mood changes, not sure what to do
Yay for the good day so far! Yay for :rundog: :rundog: and congrats on 25 year anniversary! :cheer:
thank you blueberry ! ;)
The last few days have been good. I have not had a drink in 5 days. I only went to the gym 1 day this week. going to try to go tomorrow. I really want to go to a meeting in the morning. I still have not taken any zoloft, I feel like i can do this without meds.
I had some drinks on saturday, trying not to beat myself up , today is day 2. I'm taking my wife to the doctor today. We still do not know how bad her liver is. Hoping to find out more today. I haven't been eating very well lately, I really want to focus on my health right now
i am trying so hard , i just want to feel normal and accepted. i am so alone right now, and everyone else is having fun with family and friends,,, i hate christmas
I feel better today, I went to the gym, and got some work done.
I'm glad to see you are feeling better today. Well done for going to the gym and getting some work done. :cheer: Christmas is a difficult time of year for many people, me included, so I think you are doing extra well.
thank you narckiddo, ;)
i played pickleball for the first time today, a group play most days at our community park. They were very accepting and were so helpful for a first timer. I think i might have found a new group of friends !
the 988 hotline has been so hit or miss, but i appreciate them trying. i want to see if i can volunteer to help, when i call , i feel like it would help if the other person really knew what i am dealing with. if i am here tomorrow, i am going to see if i can volunteer
That would be a great contribution Larry. I've often thought the same. :hug: stay safe friend
Look after yourself, Larry.
doing better than expected today, enjoying a quiet day at home.
:grouphug:
I played pickleball again today, over 40 people were there, they are all really nice, it's nice to meet new people and have some fun. Hoping to get to the gym later today. Things have been mostly good so far this week, I was concerned about loosing the therapist i have been seeing since may. There is another therapist i have seen a few times, i might try to schedule something with her.
Glad you had fun Larry :) :)
thank you blueberry,
I drank too much yesterday, i don't know why, but it usually leads to negative thoughts and feelings. I called the hotline 2 times last night, i feel like i should know better, this has happened too many times.
A lot of people with complex trauma...myself included...have different parts of our brain that are active at different times and are pretty separated from the other parts of our brain. So even though we might "know" things in one moment doesn't mean we have access to that knowledge at other times when other parts are activated. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes I need to write stuff down where multiple parts can find them and know what to do.
I think Armee is spot on. There are many occasions where I have done something that has me saying later "I should know better". But in the moment, I didn't. I guess I was just doing what I needed to do in that moment to survive, and I guess that is probably what you were doing too. The good thing is that you are thinking about it afterwards, and recognising why it is not helpful. All of that will eventually help you avoid the unhealthy coping mechanisms. But in the meantime you have to cope somehow, so please don't be hard on yourself if you slip up.
I agree with NK and Armee. :hug:
:hug:
thank you everyone ! I have been doing good the last few days. trying to stay active and have been working a lot. today is day 5 without a drink. I haven't seen day 5 in a while. I am trying to stay focused on my health and fitness.
Wow great reset Larry! Way to go congrats to day 5!
thank you armee ! today is day 7 !! it feels really good to say that. I had a great gym session yesterday, going again tomorrow after playing pickleball. the last week has been good, i hope i can keep it going
Minute by minute! Congrats! Day 7!! :cheer:
Day 7! Good for you, Larry. I am so glad you are enjoying the gym and the pickleball.
feeling depressed and lonely today. I am trying to get motivated, but i just want to hide from everyone
I like hiding from everyone. It's my favorite past-time.
But im sorry you are feeling lonely and depressed.
:grouphug:
thank you armee, I made myself go to the gym, i had a good workout and feel a little better. i was prescribed zoloft but i am afraid to take it, i just want to feel normal.
Hey Larry,
I've dipped in and out of your recovery journal over the past few months. I'm so glad to see and hear that on balance, your feeling more positive and healthier. I think the physical exercise side of it is very important - so definite congrats on getting yourself involved in sport & the gym. I think there's a lot to say for people with CPTSD in that doing "adulty", "healthy" things can make us feel more present minded, within our bodies, and feel a bit more capable and grounded.
I also wanted to chime in about Zoloft. I too was very scared with taking the medication. Roughly 18 months ago was the first time I ever did a course of Zoloft at 50mg (lasted 6 months). It was a positive influence and did help with some symptoms. I have started another course recently, this time at 100mg, which I feel I will keep to for the next 12 months and again, I can report that it is very helpful. Only begin the medication if you feel it is right for you - but I see myself in you with the apprehension. So I wanted to share that with you.
Keep looking after yourself Larry :hug:
thank you Bert !!
feeling good this morning. going to get some work done and try to go to the gym. I have an appointment coming soon with the doctor that prescribed zoloft. I still haven't taken it, not sure how this is going to go. i'm just afraid of the weight gain and mens problems it might cause. I think i can do this without meds, today is day 3 without a drink. I feel pretty good
I drank a lot last night, started freaking out and had to call the hotline. I am so tired of this pattern, it always starts with 1 or 2 drinks. today is day 1 again, I really want to stop. I have hydroxyzine, and it seems to help. I need to take it more often.
I respect you for saying what has happened and for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and starting again.
One day at a time, Larry. :grouphug:
thank you ;)
Hi Larry,
I am just popping by to your journal to send you a hug, and to say that I hope that you're ok today :hug: I like what NarcKiddo said about 'One day at a time' - it's something I also like to consider, even sometimes, 'one moment at a time'.
Anyway, here is some sunshine too :sunny:
Hope :)
thank you hope !
Today has been nice, day 3 without a drink, might go to the gym this afternoon. I really need to work on taking things slow,
feeling positive this morning, going to play pickleball, then get some work done this afternoon. really trying to focus on my health right now.
Good for you, Larry. I think you are right to focus on taking things slow. Enjoy the pickleball.
thank you NK , today is day 5, still feeling good, i know it isn't going to last long, but i am going to try to enjoy it
Quote from: Larry on January 26, 2024, 07:03:53 PMi know it isn't going to last long
It only has to last one day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. Looking too far ahead can be daunting.
The main thing is that you are feeling good and that you plan to enjoy it rather than fret over what might come. That is a great attitude.
Thank you NK !!! I don't have anything planeed for today, did some work this morning, I still feel good. I've been spending a lot of time alone. not because i want too, just don't have anyone right now. My wife and I have been getting along ok, we just don't seem to enjoy the same things.
sunday has not been good to me the last few weeks, after 7 days without drinking, i decided to reward myself, it didn't work out, called the hotline a few times that night. starting over again, today is day 2. I really want to go to another AA meeting, just for the support and the feeling of being accepted.
I went to the gym today, that always makes me feel a little better, it's like replacing emotional pain with physical pain.
I know exactly what you mean about the gym.
Is there an AA meeting nearby you could go to? I have never been to one (though I am no stranger to alcohol) but the support and acceptance sounds to me like a good thing.
You certainly deserved a reward after your 7 days without drinking. Maybe there is something else that would feel rewarding and would align better with your overall goal? When I was trying to lose weight I had to get a bit creative about what would feel like a reward but not put me off track.
Hi Larry,
Just sending you a hug and hoping that this next day will be a good one for you - you have done so well to do 7 days without drinking.
Here's the hug :hug: and also some sunshine :sunny:
Hope :)
Quote from: Larry on January 31, 2024, 01:30:28 AMit's like replacing emotional pain with physical pain.
Such a relateable quote. I do this too. I realise it. I barter with, down talk, punish myself, and replace my thoughts with physical feelings... As if we have to deserve happiness. Living up to the invisible person who lives inside... Not a nice person. Probably not you. I don't know a lot of AA, so I am quite afraid I will say something wrong. I hope you find help. It's good to cheer yourself on, and pat yourself on the back. A side step is not a loss and says nothing to the journey you are on.
Here for you.
there are AA meetings near me NC , I have been a few times, just need to go again,
thank you so much Hope ! I needed that,
thank you bermuda, I really appreciate the support from everyone,
i did not make it to the gym today, but i did play pickleball this morning and got some work done this afternoon.
Hi Larry,
Pickleball sounds good!
Hope :)
Congratulations, Larry! I'm new to this forum and reading about your big step is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you !! I have been doing good, trying to stay busy and active.
Quote from: Larry on February 11, 2024, 02:39:18 PMI have been doing good, trying to stay busy and active.
Great to hear. :cheer:
Hi Larry,
Hope you are enjoying some sunshine today - if not, here is some :sunny:
Hope :)
thank you NK and Hope !
I was feeling depressed yesterday, but i got through the day. Kind of feeling lonely this evening, i did not go to the gym today.
tomorrow is a new day,
It's never nice to feel depressed and lonely. You did well to get through the day and I hope today is better.
Thank you NK, I really need to find some friends, I get depressed a lot when I am alone. the AA meetings were nice, I need to go again
Hi Larry,
I hope your day is going ok. Here is some sunshine and a smile for you too. :sunny: :)
Hope :)
thank you hope !
I don't really know what to do today, i feel like i can not trust the people i work with, and they are the only friends i have. i have been spending most of my time alone, i am trying not to get depressed. i might go to the gym today, i need to get out of the house
Larry
AA helped me quit drinking. I went every day for a long time. I know the struggle well, and I'm pulling for you, sir.
I'm thinking of you. That loneliness is tough to deal with. I know it well.
feeling good today, worked this morning and went to they gym. day 5 without a drink. I almost don't want to count the days anymore, i just want to not overdrink and have to deal with all the complications and suicidal thoughts. I am not sleeping as much as i would like, but i noticed i have not been getting nightmares as frequent as i did when i drank alot.
That's awesome Larry! Nightmares make it really hard to sleep and then that just adds to the difficulties. Also i learned awhile ago when I was working in critical incident stress management (basically peer to peer counseling for first responders) that alcohol interferes with REM sleep which is when we process trauma so after a traumatic incident we advise people to not drink much or at all for a couple days so their brains can process the trauma while they sleep.
I think I need to stop anesthetizing myself before bed too. It can't be helping me process the trauma so it's just keeping me stuck like this longer.
Well done, Larry! Go, you. :cheer:
I used to think alcohol would help me sleep. It would certainly help me zonk out but I would frequently wake in a panic in the early hours when I was drinking regularly. I got a heart rate monitor for the gym and tried it at night to see how low my resting heart rate was during the night. I was expecting it to be low because I am now quite fit and my daytime resting rate is pretty good. BUT - I discovered my night time heart rate is quite a lot higher than my daytime resting rate (probably due to trauma) and if I drink, the heart rate goes way higher all night. So I think I have slept soundly but have not actually rested all that well. That is an added incentive for me to keep control of my drinking and since you like your exercise I thought I would mention it here.
I appreciate you both for all the help and support, i have been doing good, until about an hour ago, is started feeling depresed and lonely. i am at home now, and the dogs help a lot. i am trying to fight it off. i really need to find some local friends for support.
Dogs are such a comfort. Wishing you all the best.
Larry, I'm happy to hear you've nearly completed a full week sober. CONGRATULATIONS!
And I agree with your assessment that you need to find local support. I would still be drinking if I hadn't had that.
thank you PC ! I am trying to get motivated today. I really want to go to the gym. I am starting to calm down a little, i took my wife to the grocery store this morning and it was so busy, it really stresses me out.
Hi Larry,
I'm just checking in. (I get stressed out in crowds too...I shop on Amazon more and more just so I don't have to leave the house and go into the stores). I hope you're having a good day today.
thank you PC !
Today is day 10 without a drink. it feels awkward to count the days. I feel like i can have a few drinks, i just don't want to use alcohol to escape anymore. I went for a bicycle ride yesterday, first tie ina while. it felt nice. going to the gym later today.
i am going to be in a show at the local theater, i really enjoy that, the cast is always supportive and feels like family
Good for you, Larry. I think you're doing really well. The show sounds great fun. Would like to hear more about that if you wish to share.
thank you NarcKiddo, we are doing the mousetrap by Agatha Christie, i have been in several shows at the theater, i really enjoy it.
Larry
That is so cool! I wanted to join theater in High School but was so used to being humiliated for anything I ever did. I believed my friends would all humiliate me for being in a play. I saw acting as a wish I would never be able to fulfill. I let trauma take that from me. I'm glad you didn't let trauma take that from you!
I think it's awesome that you let yourself have that fun art.
And congratulations on 10 days!
The ONE most important thing I learned in AA that has literally saved me from thinking I could have that one drink at dinner is that I now know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the ONLY drink I can say no to is the first one.
I hope you keep saying no to that first one.
I'm pulling for you, and I'll chime in with NarKiddo and say that I would also really like to hear a bit about what it's like to be on stage in a play. I want to live a bit vicariously through that with you.
thank you so much papa coco !! today is 15 days, went to the gym and trying to eat. I still get depressed and feel isolated, not sure what i can do about that right now.
I didn't start theater stuff until later in life. I really enjoy it, you get to be someone else. I like to do comedies. it is such a good feeling making people laugh.
Good for you, Larry.
I did quite a lot of theatre stuff in school and really enjoyed it. I was not happy at school (boarding school) so the acting was a good outlet. And comedies, I agree, are great fun to do. It's also good to feel part of a team with a common goal of making the show the best it can be.
Larry, congratulations on 15 days! Remember, you can say no only to the first drink. I'm pulling for you. The desire to drink eventually goes away. It did for me. I don't even like the smell of booze anymore. Such a relief.
I know that feeling of making an audience laugh. It's euphoric. I'm glad you are in a play that includes humor. How fun!
today was good, until a few hours ago. I don't know why, I get depressed , i start feeling negative emotions and getting negative thoughts. I want to drink, but not because i want alcohol, i think it's because i want to hurt myself. it is going to be a hard night
Standing with you, Larry. Take care.
Hi Larry,
I hope that you've got through the night ok - I know you said it was going to be a hard night. Sending you a hug of support :hug:
Also some sunshine :sunny:
Hope :)
thank you narckiddo and hope, i didn't drink, i took sevreal hydroxyzine pills and went to sleep. I am trying to find a way to get back in therapy.
I'm proud of you, Larry. You recognised that the urge to drink was not actually coming from a desire for alcohol. And you resisted the urge. You looked after yourself. That is really strong self-care at a time when you were probably not feeling all that strong. Well done. I hope you find a way to get back in therapy. In the meantime, I hope you can look back on this situation and feel proud of yourself.
:grouphug:
I'm also standing with you Larry,
I've put a few years between me and my last drink, but that doesn't mean I don't also want to find some way to hide from my depressions and my anxieties. I no longer grab for a bottle, but I do look for other distractions. This life has turned out to be a pretty gnarly river to navigate without tearing open the hull.
I am forced to deal with my issues more now that I don't drink, but I can say I'm a bit happier now that I don't medicate the emotions away. It's hard work but it yields results. Sometimes it feels like I get a teaspoon of healing out of every gallon of daily effort I put in. But that's a teaspoon more than I had yesterday, I guess.
i love all of you, thank you for being here.
the last few days have been good, other than having sinus congestion and feeling terrible. I haven't been to the gym in a week, i really miss it, just have had no energy. hoping to go tomorrow. day 6 without a drink, i am trying not to focus on that number, trying not to put so much pressure on myself.
:grouphug:
I hope the sinuses clear soon. Congestion is horrid.
I had 4 shots yesterday with some co workers, it felt great, i didn't over drink, and i felt normal like everyone else, i don't want to drink everyday, but i just can't take the pressure. so today is day 1, and maybe i am not thinking clearly when i say i feel normal when drinking. i think i am a little lost, but i feel good. I don't want to use alcohol to cope, i really don't want to drink at all. i don't know why i am so consumed by this.
I went to the gym yesterday, first day in almost a week as i wasn't feeling well. going to go again tomorrow.
Hi Larry,
I'm glad you were feeling well enough to go back to the gym. Sorry to hear you'd not been feeling well before that.
I'm glad you're feeling good. Wishing you the best for today. :umbrella: I've put that today instead of sunshine, as it's raining here! :)
Hope :)
thank you hope ;)
doing some things around the house this morning, going to the gym soon. i lost 7 pounds last week due to not feeling well, but gained 3 pounds back.
Hi Larry,
I hope you're feeling better. :hug:
Hope :)
thank you hope ,
still a little congested, feels like it will never end. I had a few drinks yesterday, probably should not have driven home. not going to beat myself up about it. i don't want to drink, just so tired of being consumed by the constant struggle. tired of counting the days.
i went to the gym yesterday, that always makes me feel better. working this afternoon.
I'm glad you got to the gym yesterday. I am always surprised by how good exercise makes me feel - especially since I was not brought up to exercise and at school was one of those always picked last to be on any team.
I hope you manage to get rid of the congestion soon.
thank you NK ! I have been doing good, going to the gym almost every day. day 5 without a drink. I have been mostly happy, i haven't been sleeping well, but that's ok
today is my birthday, i try not to think about it too much, i usually like to forget. i have been trying to find a way to enjoy holidays and birthdays, not sure i am there yet. I went to a few AA meetings, i really like the way i feel after. Going to the gym this afternoon.
Happy Birthday Larry! I'm glad you were born and are here now. :cheer:
But :hug: for the bad feelings and wanting to forget. That is understandable.
I hope you have a lovely day today, Larry. I'm glad you have been feeling good after the AA meetings. Enjoy the gym.
:phoot:
Thank you Armee and NK !!
spent some time with co workers yesterday, it was nice. feeling good today. work has been slow, might start a part time evening job.
Belated Happy Birthday wishes Larry! :hug:
I hope you continue to feel good, Larry. A part time evening job could be a great thing to do - especially if it means you get to meet a whole new group of co workers. It's nice to have people to spend time with.
Larry,
I'm glad to hear you're feeling the joy of being around other people with like minds.
thank you hope, NK and PC ! I appreiciate you
things have been good lately, almost scary good. I haven't been to the gym in a week, i miss it, just been busy. trying to get back to my regular schedule. I had 2 drinks yesterday, i have been really good about limiting alcohol. I had some fun playing poickleball this morning, heading off to work now
Hi Larry,
That sounds really good. Glad you're doing ok. Pickleball sounds like fun.
Hope :)