Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[rainydiary]

Larry, this time of year is difficult.  I hope that you find some rest and ease. 

[Snowdrop]

I agree with the others, Larry. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It will give your T a better idea of how best to help you, which is a good thing.

Would it help to imagine all of us going along to your session with you to give some moral support?

[Larry]

thank you rainy and snowdrop,  i will be thinking of you tomorrow, 

[Armee]

Hi Larry. I was just thinking of you and your appointment tomorrow. Hang in there. How are you feeling now?

[Larry]

i have been mostly good this week.  i had 1 drink on tuesday,  i didn't drink at all on monday, wednsday or thursday.  i have not been depressed,  i haven't had a lot of anxiety.  i don't want to admit it,  but maybe the alcohol has something to do with that.  i am still a little nervous about my session today.  i just want it to be over with. 

[rainydiary]

Larry, best wishes for your session today.  I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing about your journey with alcohol.  When I reflect on my relationship to alcohol, I definitely went through several extremely problematic period with it and used it to cope with things I couldn't understand.  We are all doing the best we know how and it is ok to walk forward differently if we want. 

[Larry]

thank you rainy ! 

[Larry]

i did not like therapy today,  my T talked for an hour about alcohol dependency and AA.  i told her i only had 1 drink all week long,  i went 3 days without any alcohol.  didn't seem to matter.  i might take a break from therapy and try again after the holidays.  i know 1 good week is only a start,  but i really don't think i am addicted. 

[rainydiary]

That sounds like a difficult experience Larry. 

[Larry]

it was difficult,  but maybe she is right,  i can go a few days without drinking,  but i always go back to it.  i had 2 drinks last night,  then i drank a bottle of wine.  i slept good,  maybe 5 hours,  emotions have been confusing lately.   i ind of feel lost again

[rainydiary]

Larry, it hurts to feel lost and confused.  You are a good person and are doing a lot of hard work.  It's frustrating because this work is a lot of back and forth and constantly shifting and moving.  The shifts within ourselves can feel small but each one adds up over time. 

[Larry]

it'a amazing how you understand what i am going through better than i do.    i really appreciate you being here !

[rainydiary]

Larry, I appreciate that the words I use seem to fit.  I don't think you should undersell yourself in knowing what you are going through - I think it just takes practice finding the words.  I learn a lot from watching and reading and listening to others describe their experience.  Also, I find that sometimes words don't fit.  Images, memes, lists, songs, music, nature, poetry - sometimes something else captures the feeling in a way words in a sentence don't. 

[Armee]

Hi Larry. If hugs help you, one's down at the bottom.

That sounds like a really unpleasant therapy session. Sometimes therapists show us things about ourselves we don't want to see and sometimes they can be wrong. You get to listen to what she says and decide what is right for yourself.

And I wonder if it's more helpful to think of it as an unhealthy relationship with alcohol instead of addiction. Because you're right....you did really well last week not using alcohol. 

At the same time if you read through your journal you'll see that you say you use alcohol as a way to not feel things and to cope with emotions and sometimes you want to stop.

Either way, we're here to support you. Dealing with addiction or self harm or unhealthy coping....most of us have been or still are in that space. Sometimes the emotions are too much!

[Larry]

thank you so much armee and rainy.