Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, Jazzy & Armadillo, thank you for your kindness and support.  As the day has gone on, I realize I wasn't given a harsh deadline or indication that she is rapidly declining.  We still have time together and now I hope I can view it as even more precious. 

I will take my cat to the vet again tomorrow for more tests and to receive a prescription for a special diet.  We'll see how this progresses. 

I have felt sad a lot of the day but also am trying to enjoy my time with her.  She isn't acting differently and we still have time together.  I hope that this will help me start preparing myself for her time to go as well as appreciate all that she brought me. 

I am starting a yoga teacher training next week.  One limb yoga, called Yama, has an element called Aparigraha.  Aparigraha means non-possessiveness and reminds us that impermanence is part of life.  I am finding so much resistance within myself.  I have been aware of how things are changing for a long time but I still find it so difficult. 

[sanmagic7]

so sorry about your sick kitty, rainy.  my heart goes out to you.

that resistance thing is always so difficult to deal with.  i've felt it myself, especially when i'm about to embark on some form of change that i know logically is a good thing for me to embrace, but the fear of what's on the other side, what it will require of me, and how i'll manage it springs up and tries to block me.  sometimes i can just push thru, while at other times i discover it's important for me to wait, that some issue needs to be resolved first.  don't know if any of that pertains to you, but it's what popped into my mind.

no matter what, i think it's a very interesting concept you're describing.  best to you with it.  i hope you continue to be kind and compassionate to yourself.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your support and understanding. 

I took my cat to the vet again today for the tests the vet wanted done.  She has good blood pressure and now has special food.  On Monday I should find out more about other results.  Today didn't feel as heavy.  I worry for what Monday will bring.  I am trying to focus on the present.  It is hard though.  I feel compelled to begin preparing myself.  It is hard to understand why her little body has been working toward kidney failure.  I will do my best to care for her and hope she doesn't suffer much. 

Right before I wrote this I started to feel extremely low.  I am in such a transition phase.  I am feeling discouraged about finding a new job.  I do have an interview on Tuesday but don't feel hopeful about getting the job.  I also haven't heard from anywhere else I've applied so don't have any back up plans.  It's funny because initially I'd been worried I would have to make a fast decision and that I would have many offers to choose from.  That still might happen but it isn't today.

I think I am tired of this weighing on me.  I am afraid and feel stuck. 

[Jazzy]

Rainydiary, I'm sorry you are feeling poorly. Those feelings you mention afraid and stuck are so difficult. I hope you find some peace and rest soon. I think you're doing a great job, and while that's challenging, it is very good in the long term. Stay strong! 

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, thank you for your words. 

I took a pause after writing that entry just now and realize I have more to say. 

A lot of what is eating at me is that it feels like people won't believe me in what has happened at work.  Bullying and gaslighting and other nasty things can be rather invisible especially when they are built into systems.  I think this is triggering my feelings that something wasn't right when I was growing up but I didn't know to call it abuse.  I've found myself in situations time and time again where my lived experience is invalidated and not believed by others (including myself). 

I have had two people now encourage me to write a letter about my experience and send it (after I have a new job).  I want to stand up for myself but this idea is putting so much pressure on me.  I've been holding in my mind ideas of what I would say in such a letter.  But again, knowing that my words would be deleted or not read or not acknowledged makes me not want to say anything. 

I feel very alone as I navigate this time.  As supportive as my husband is, he doesn't understand what I am dealing with at work and he doesn't really understand how upset I am about my cat.  I don't even see her as his cat too because he does so little to care for her and I will carry all the burden of supporting her and her needs.  A past version of myself would be mad at my husband.  I see that he is a human and doesn't see the world the way I do.  He also doesn't seem to understand CPTSD although I've tried to explain.  I think all I can do is tell him what I need and know that he will do what he can (and likely won't be able to meet all of my needs as no one person can that).

I had a thought earlier today that I still don't feel like I belong anywhere.  This is a thought I often have.  I grew up in a military family and moved around a ton.  I haven't been associated with the military since I graduated college.  I live away from my family.  I've had a lot of jobs in the past 10 years and haven't fit in at any of them.  I seek out opportunities (like my yoga training) where I am very different than everyone.  The more I learn about neurodiversity and gender and race and large topics like that the more I feel disconnected. 

Even though I feel alone, I get meaning out of things I do.  I occasionally find connection with others.  I wish for more.  I think my job and my cat and my growth over the past year are reaching new levels of needed healing but also touching on old patterns and habits. 

*sigh* I am feeling very worn down. 

[sanmagic7]

sending love and a hug filled with spirit-lifting energy.  you are not alone in this - i can relate to so very much of what you're going thru.  you're in my thoughts.

[rainydiary]

San, I think your support helped!

This day has already turned out to include things I could not have anticipated. 

First my cat seems to be happier with her new food.  She is eating it (which I wasn't sure she would because she tends to be picky).  This is another instance in my ownership of her where I feel guilty in how long she may have not been feeling well and I didn't know any better (the first being she had a lot of unhealthy teeth that made it hard for her to eat).  I am trying to feel full appreciation each interaction with her. 

This morning while I was running, I was listening to a podcast I enjoy.  I had submitted a voice mail to the podcast several weeks ago and assumed it wouldn't go anywhere.  I was so surprised today to hear my voice mail on the podcast!  It made me feel so proud that I put myself out there and said my thoughts.  I'm not sure how well my words landed with the hosts but someone on the podcast thought my message was important to share. 

As I got home from my run, a random phone number called.  It ended up being a job I had applied to.  I thought it was weird they were calling me on a Saturday but decided to call back.  The job sounds intriguing and I am feeling a little better to have additional options.  I imagine this job will be difficult to fill based on the populations I would serve.  I enjoyed talking to the person on the phone which was also nice. 

So, today it feels like good things are coming my way even though I am also facing difficulties. 

[Armadillo]

 

Yeah!!!! These are all such positive things!

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you're making good progress through the difficulty. Keep up the great work.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Jazzy & Armadillo 

The day has felt more confusing as it goes on.  My husband doesn't understand why I want to get a new job.  It is difficult to have my reasons and know others won't see or understand things the way I do.  I want to be understood but also would like to accept that won't always be the case. 

In the past his lack of understanding would hurt me more.  Now I know I must do what is right for me even if others including my husband don't get it. 

This is difficult.

[rainydiary]

Now that I am on a break from work my routines, especially sleeping routines, have been relaxed some. 

I am wondering if this is good or bad.  I struggle with the right amount of structure. 

As I prepare for bed tonight, I am working myself up about my job.  I feel like no one is believing me that my experience has not been good.  I'm upset to be made to look incompetent by a jerk.  I feel upset and like I haven't been able to stand up for myself. 

I think these thoughts are my brain's attempt at self protection....but imagining conversations isn't going to help.  I hope to feel less of this in the morning.  I am probably also getting anxious about interviewing this week. 

[sanmagic7]

well, if it makes any difference, i believe you.  i've run from jobs in the past that looked great to outsiders, but had gone downhill from the inside, and i was feeling beaten up on the inside because of it.  sorry your hub doesn't understand, but please remember, his lack of understanding doesn't make it any less true for you.  you don't have to doubt yourself.

so glad to hear you had some good things going on that day, even amongst the difficulties.  good luck with the interview next week.  and, i nearly chuckled when you talked about having those conversations in your head - i can't tell you how many i've had!  it took me a long time realizing that my conversations never, ever turned out similar to the conversations that eventually took place in real life!  i also think i was trying to prepare myself for what might come at me, so self- protection sounds about right.

hope everything goes smoothly for you.  love and hugs, rainy   

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I rehearse so much in my mind and sometimes that is helpful and sometimes not.   

Today has been interesting in that I notice so much.

I woke up feeling more generally positive than usual.  Usually I wake up and immediately feel anxious.  That was a nice change. 

I was triggered as my husband and I were traveling to hike - the location we wanted to visit was overcrowded so we kept driving to find a different place to hike.  I started to spiral (because I had chosen the location that was full and some part of myself was expecting punishment).  I ended up bringing up my stress over my job to my husband and he acknowledged that he does believe me and that I shouldn't have to deal with being bullied at work.  That helped. 

On the hike we eventually did I noticed how much I kept looking to my husband for cues for things that aren't up to him (such as when I should snack).  I took time to eat when it felt right to me.  It really stood out to me how I am still looking to others for validation or guidance when it isn't always necessary to do so. 

While hiking I also felt strong confidence in myself for my upcoming interview.  I am knowledgeable in my career and have the ability to reflect that to others even if others in the past haven't heard me or have chosen to ignore me. 

At home today I realize that I now see my cat so differently knowing that she is closer to death.  If I am honest with myself, I've had a nagging sense that something is up with her and last week confirmed that.  I still want to offer her care and comfort but I notice a part of myself shutting down a bit because of the pain I anticipate.  I also feel guilty that she hasn't been feeling well and I didn't know. 

Overall I notice needing less and less time to recover from EFs.  Every now and then a big one hits and it hurts more.  But generally I feel like my insides are recalibrating from "always in danger" to more balance. 

Of course, it is easier to feel less triggered when I am on a break from work.  But in the future I hope that a new job won't be as much of a source of pain as it has been. 

The next two days will be a bit heavy.  I am supposed to hear more about test results for my cat (which I am worrying will bring difficult news) tomorrow (Monday).  I also start my yoga teacher training.  Then on Tuesday I need to wake up early enough to run and make it to my interview in time.  I am noticing that I have been keeping my to do list very full and tried to give myself some more space the next two days. 

[rainydiary]

Today is starting off as well as it can.  My cat doesn't need to go to the vet for another year (unless she shows signs of needing more care), I have another job interview scheduled for Wednesday with a third place, and I am able to take it slow today. 

I notice my mind is continually going to my colleagues and situation at my current job.  I am doubting myself - should I keep trying?  Should I give my colleagues another chance?  And then I get mad at myself and at them - why should I have to prove myself so much when the same isn't expected of them?  Why did I let this happen? 

I think these thoughts are coming up because I feel vulnerable as I look for a new place.  I've also changed jobs a lot and it never really gets any easier.  I had been putting pressure on myself telling myself I've always gotten jobs I've applied for in my current field.  That isn't 100% true - I have applied for and not gotten a number of jobs. 

I am interviewing and looking from a different place than before.  I never understood I have CPTSD or a trauma history or legitimate reasons for my struggles when applying and interviewing before.  I am not looking for a new job as a way to avoid my truth or find a savior like I did in the past.  I am looking for a place to be myself and to use what I know and hopefully be treated with respect.  I really see this as a stepping stone. 

[Jazzy]

Wow Rainydiary, there is so much positivity here. I love it! 

I understand what you mean about doubting yourself, though. It's difficult to feel confident about a coarse of action on such big things, especially with so much being new/different now. I think you're doing great, though. Even if things don't go perfectly smooth, hopefully you can take some comfort in realizing you're doing your best for yourself, and hopefully seeing improvement.

I'm sorry to hear your husband doesn't understand you very well, either. That must be so difficult. It's great that you are looking out for yourself more, and becoming more independent, like with the snack. Hopefully he will pick up on this, and be better able to connect with you as you continue to grow.

So glad to hear the good news about your cat as well!