Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armadillo. I don't feel that into any of these jobs I've applied to - I am burned out and have lost touch with my passion for my work this week.  I am trying to see these jobs as a way to leave a toxic situation and to maintain my finances until I can set myself up to do what my heart is saying.

I've felt a lot today.  I am giving a lot of headspace to my current job.  I am so hurt by what has happened.  I am blaming myself and giving myself a hard time.  In my heart I know I have done the best I can at this time.  I've watched my coworkers identify a scapegoat each year that I've been there.  Each year someone has been pushed out of their job.  I think that if I stay it will be my turn.  This helps me consider how much of this is not me.  It is a toxic environment that some folks find power in and that makes me sad for them.

I was just watching Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 and was really touched by the end when a character's body is released into galaxy.  It reminded me of a meditation I like about how our bodies are made of the same things as stars.  That brings me feelings of connection and peace. 

In the coming days I hope to show myself compassion and love.  I hope to find moments of joy.  I hope to reflect on what I've learned and leave what I don't need behind.  I hope for a new opportunity where I can use what I've learned and keep growing. 

[rainydiary]

Today has been interesting. 

I notice feelings of strength, peace, and acceptance.

I realize that a lot of my reaction to my work and jobs is because I have been looking for things I didn't get growing up.  Mostly what I've found is countless re-enactments of my trauma. 

Today I accept that I have done all I can at my current job.  I have changed and the people I work with have not.  I cannot work with people that allow one colleague to physically control the space and access of another colleague all under the guise of "student need." 

I also feel I will go into interviews and a new job with a different mindset.  I will not find what I missed in a job.  Instead I will find more opportunities to learn and grow and heal. 

❤️

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry to hear that you are so hurt, but it sounds like you are making great progress healing, and have a good plan moving forward.

Sending you strength and peace.

[Armadillo]

I love reading how strong and kind to yourself you are feeling today.

[Alter-eg0]

Sounds good, Rain. You go!

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your thoughts Jazzy, Armadillo, and Altereg0.

Yesterday didn't feel as good.  I am deeply hurt by my colleagues.  Today it occurred to me that I am wanting to hold on to a story which is keeping me stuck in my feelings.  I am staying stuck because there is a deep part of me that is telling me this is all my fault. 

What I am seeing is how my colleagues have an incredibly toxic dynamic.  They cannot function unless they have someone to focus their energy on.  I am strong and brave and I believe I scare them.  They can either face their own stuff or they can tear me down.  They will tear me down.  I choose to not serve myself up on a platter for them. 

I am deeply sad I won't get to say goodbye to my students.  This is triggering for me as I moved a lot growing up and often left places without saying goodbye.  I think it is triggering because it makes me feel invisible and like I won't be remembered and that I didn't matter.  It has been hard to watch people I care about so much move on without me.  That doesn't mean I meant little to them...but it hurts. 

I am working to deep clean my house.  Need to clear out some stuff.  It feels good to do that.  But it is also hard work.  Tomorrow I am scheduled to take my cat to the vet.  I don't like taking her.  It is so anxiety producing and I am always worried for bad news.  I am doing this visit much earlier in the summer so than I usually do so that I can take care of her if needed. 

[Armadillo]

Of course you are deeply hurt by your colleagues. They are being deeply hurtful. I feel pretty relieved because I see in your posts that you recognize they are the ones with the problems. It isn't fair you are paying the price and having to leave, without goodbyes to your students.  That's sad, and unfair.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, thank you.  I am bringing a lot of other stuff to this time too.  I am dreading finding another job because I have encountered some version of the behavior I am dealing with in every school I've worked in.  Right now I don't see a way forward that isn't a repetition. 

I am finding myself in grief today.  I did a yoga practice focused on hips and heart.  A person I knew in my first job out of college came to mind.  I haven't thought of him in a while.  He and I were close and spent a lot of time together.  I cared about him a lot and I think he cared for me too.  There came a point where fear took over and I pushed him away. 

As I was thinking of him, two other similar people came to mind, one person from high school and one from college.  Seeing these three people in line I saw I have a type (at least in terms of hair color).  I saw that I cared deeply for each of them.  They were my friends but also people I could have created a life with because we got along so well.  And yet I pushed each of them away.  I didn't want them to see what was really going on with me. 

I'm not sure why they are coming up now.  I notice how hard I am being on myself.  Yes I pushed them away yet they also went their own way.  I imagine I will have them in mind today and will explore. 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

it sounds like there was finally room in your mind and heart to think of these people and possibly be able to grieve the relationships that never were.  it's a tough time, for sure.  sending you love and a hug filled with support and compassion (which i hope you'll also be able to give to yourself).

[Jazzy]

Hi Rainydiary,

I'm glad to see you back! I'm sorry I'm somewhat late in saying that, and that I haven't posted here much recently.

Your last entry here is difficult for me to read. I don't even want to think about all the failed relationships and potential relationships in my past. That's a big thing with a lot of grief attached, as you said. ... It also sounds like a good thing to process though, so I'm happy for you.

I like what you write in the last paragraph; that sounds like a very healthy approach!

All the best!

[rainydiary]

San, it is interesting when space opens up and things I didn't even realize I was holding onto come up.  I appreciate you joining me on my journey. 

Jazzy, it is painful for me too.  I feel so inept at relationships and dealing with the fallout of some tense work relationships right now.   Today it occurred to me that this might be coming up now because I finally have the words to say.  I am sad I can't go back and say them.  I also can't go back and comfort my younger self but I try to talk to her.  Perhaps I can say what I need to say to these people in my mind and hope it helps. 

I have had a weird day.  My thoughts have been busy and bounced around from thoughts to my work, to my past, to my cat.  I dread taking my cat to the vet and noticed that my brain tried to spike my anxiety levels in preparation.  I know that one day my cat will leave me and for some reason I associate vet visits with the possibility I will find out when she is leaving me.  Today wasn't that day.  The visit went fine and I didn't cry as I put my cat in her carrier.  Overall the event much less stressful for both of us than it has been in the past. 

My mom also reached out to me.  I think she was triggered by talking to her sister and wanted reassurance that she and I have a good relationship...or that she's been a good mother.  In many ways she has and interestingly I don't associate the worst parts of my trauma with her.  She said things to me that wound(ed) me very deeply however I've been able to easier integrate this than the stuff my dad did.  But the conversation with her is still hard.  She doesn't realize how much she tries to wind me up.  I don't get as wound up by her as I used to but it is still challenging. 

I am pretty drained.  I plan to rest a little more tomorrow than I have been.  I have a massage tomorrow which should help some. 

[rainydiary]

I just spoke with my cat's vet.  Her blood work came back showing early signs of kidney disease.  The vet made it sound like it isn't super threatening right now, but this news hits hard right now. 

I am crying as I type.  My cat has been my companion for 8 years and I love her so much.  I will do the things the vet recommends and hope that I know when it is time to let her go.  I've experienced the death of my parents' pets but this will be my first personal pet death (when it happens). 

I am so sensitive to loss.  Just the anticipation of her not being here is difficult. 

I am trying to stay with my feelings but it is hard. 

[Blueberry]

  from another pet lover to you

[Jazzy]

Yikes, I'm sorry to hear the bad news about your cat. That's so difficult. I totally understand you feeling upset and crying; I would be too!

Thinking about losing a pet... it's so difficult. I can't even come close to finding words to express those kinds of emotions. I mean, they've been there with us through everything, every day. My cats are my biggest support in a way.

I'm not really sure what to say. I just try to think of it like it is a fact of life that some animals live longer than others, and humans certainly live longer then cats. I do my very best to make sure my cats are as happy and healthy as possible, because each day to them is equal to many days for me, and I need to squeeze in what I can in the days they have. It's so difficult though.

It's so great that you are doing what the vet recommends, and realize that there is a time to let her go. That's shows a lot of strength on your part. I hope that you and your cat can focus on making a good time out of the present.

All the best to you, Rainydiary.
if it is positive for you.

[Armadillo]

 

Hugs to you and your kitty, Rainy. It's real sad to think of losing a pet that is so important to you. I'm going to sit here sending all the best and wishes I can to her and you and I know you will provide her the best care and keep her comfortable and well as long as you possibly can. And that might still be a good long time.