Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Thanks Jazzy.  I know people generally are doing the best they can, including my husband.  I notice that as I grow he does too. 

Tonight I started my yoga teacher training and it was a great thing.  I was nervous because other trainings I've done haven't been that great in terms of how safe they made me feel.  This training I am doing is being led completely different and was so trauma informed already I am really looking forward to the rest. 

Yoga in the West often does not reflect its roots and origin.  We learn yoga is poses when really the poses are one of eight practices.  One of the practices is called Yamas (which are ways we relate to others).  I spoke with a kind and understanding person tonight about two Yamas I've been thinking a lot about.  One is called Ahimsa (which means non-harm toward the self, other people, animals, the environment). 

I've been struggling with Ahimsa because I often act or think about myself in ways that cause me harm.  And because I feel hurt, it makes me perhaps harmful to others.  I've been feeling a lot of guilt for trying to find a new job because I keep feeling like I didn't do enough and I am putting pressure on myself to be a good role model for others. 

And yet, there is another Yama called Satya (which means truth and honesty in thoughts, words, actions).  The person I spoke to tonight helped me see that in practicing Satya, I may reduce harm.  And reducing harm may come in the form of leaving a situation that hurts me. 

My head is spinning with all of these ideas and I will need more time to think on it and practice.  I have to wake up early tomorrow to complete a run before my interview.  I am a bit overstimulated and of course this would happen when I need to wake up early.  I believe everything will work out . 

[rainydiary]

I woke up early and completed my run.  I have had time to feel calm before my interview.  I'll leave in a little while to head over. 

I heard about a 4th interview today.  So, I will be able to find something.  I am tired of settling for jobs that end up burning me out.  I hope things are somewhat different this time around.  This is the job I most hope to get.

[rainydiary]

Well....I'm not sure how that went.  I got the impression I am not really their person.  I'm not sure they are my people.  I'm not sure I want to work in the way they expect.  I certainly don't want to be rejected but I also don't want to get up in wanting to be liked so bad I take a job I know might not work out. 

I have some more interviews and can see what else is out there.  Interviewing is exhausting and I am overwhelmed with them right now. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I haven't caught up on your journal, but I did read today's entries. Job interviewing is very stressful. I'm just working on updating my resume and it is so stressful that I can only do a little at a time. I hope you find a job with a much better atmosphere than what you have been dealing with.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Notalone. 

I was not prepared for how triggered I feel after that interview. 

I think I have been obsessing over what happened on my last day of work.  It makes me feel so terrible.  And it doesn't feel fair to be the one to be looking for a job.

I think what I am most feeling is that I don't fit anywhere.  The way the people looked at me today during my interview was like I am an alien.  I'm not sure I would want to work with them.  And that is ok.

But all of this makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.  And that I will not find my place. 

[Jazzy]

This sounds very difficult Rainydiary, I'm sorry you're struggling with it all. 

I understand how you feel. That's a lot of emotion bubbling up. I hope you have time to process it all.

I think you are doing great by making lots of improvements. Perhaps you will be happier with yourself as you continue to heal more. I'm sure you will find your place, even if it is not as quickly as you would like. It's absolutely amazing that you realize the job is not right for you, despite all the difficult emotions.   

[Armadillo]

Hey Rainy Diary...

Just walking down the street makes me feel like an outcast. An interview is really hard. Having the spotlight on us can be triggering, proving our worth, all of it. Part of the injury right is exactly that feeling of being different, alien like you said, like we don't belong,  like we aren't good enough, that people will use us. It's not you. It's the PTSD hon. You are fine. The core of who you are is fine.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy & Armadillo, I appreciate your words and support.

I had a difficult day where I was stuck in an EF.  My EFs have changed over time and I'm not always picking up on them until it's been hours and I am stuck in a loop. 

I reached out to some people I trust more than others and cleaned a portion of my house.  That seemed to help.

As my nervous system calmed down, I thought back over the interview.  Something about it agitated me and given my reaction it seems like it isn't a place I should work. 

Things that caught my attention in review:

The person leading the interview was dismissive of me and I noticed she got very defensive about some things I said.  She would be difficult to work with.

Another person in the interview mentioned how they are like a family.  I hate when workplaces are described that way and it signals to me they expect this to be my life (which for me it is not all aspects of my identity or time)   

They were obsessed with saying "we do what is right for kids."  I am also finding this to be an abrasive thing as my current job loves to say that and it is a way of excusing poor adult behavior.  But also, if anyone thinks I do this job without caring about students then I don't know what to say.

I think I have this narrative that just because I applied means a job has to be right and I have to do it if offered.  I got a vibe from this place that they are stuck up and probably really defensive given the nature of their school community.  I liked the concept of this school and I want to hold to on that...but the reality is something else.  And that is ok. 

I feel resistance to other jobs I've applied to because they will be further from my home than my current work.  And yet, I could do it especially if the job was less taxing on my wellbeing. 

I have another interview tomorrow.  I'll see how this one goes. 

[Armadillo]

I hope tomorrow's interview feels like a better fit and is less triggering.

[BeeKeeper]

rainydiary,

I really like the way you are able to allow and analyze the comments from your interview and what feelings they brought up. This is important to recognize and articulate to yourself. Being able to make comparisons and trust yourself is very empowering.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo & Beekeeper, I appreciate your words and understanding.   

This morning I am feeling calm yet unsettled.  I realize I am grieving and also growing.  It is confusing when we can experience conflicting emotions.  I acknowledge that given CPTSD and how my brain functions, I don't always see what it is in front of me.  Sometimes what I see is a echo of my past. 

Right now I am in a complicated place.  I am so angry that I feel my only option is to find a new job.  Behind that anger is fear of what might come.  I am afraid of starting over again.  I am afraid of putting my energy and time and care and labor into a place just to have them hurt me and to end up burned out.  This fear comes because that is what has happened to me in every job I've had.  I have never had a job where I felt respected, safe, important, valued. 

I am also judging myself big time.  Something I know about myself is that I tend to be deeply truthful.  I was punished for that growing up.  The punishments were in part intended to get me to fit in.  The punishments also I think were about fear of what my truth revealed.  I think that my truth tends to hold mirrors up and people around me don't like what they see.  Instead of facing what they see, they turn on me.  So I turn on myself because I was taught from a young age that I am broken.  I don't believe this as much as I used to, but elements of it are still deep inside.

That is why my current situation is so painful.  Instead of acknowledging that they have also been wrong, my colleagues are placing themselves above me and placing all the blame on me.  I don't think I can face this happening again. 

[rainydiary]

I am home now from this interview.  Today's interview felt much better than the one yesterday.  I think I would like this job if offered.  I felt heard and like I was able to say what I wanted to say without having to be fake or project some image of myself that I think they would want to hear.  There are some unknowns involved but I think I would feel supported. 

Before the interview my IC really started up.  Parts of myself I hadn't thought about in a while were coming up.  Like when my parents pushed me to not be a "quitter" and told me that I am a flake (they used different words but that is what they meant).  All these things taught me was to ignore my feelings and ignore when a situation doesn't feel right.  But also that there is something wrong with me. 

These feelings are coming up also because I am reading a book called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh that is rubbing me the wrong way.  My traumatized brain is interpreting what he is saying through a rough lens.  I don't think he is advocating for one to stay in abusive situations but the way I am taking his words
is that I haven't tried enough to reopen lines of communication with jerks at work.  I think these feelings relate to the voices of my parents telling me not to quit and that I am a flake if I do.  So maybe I am hearing my parents and not Thich Nhat Hahn when I am reading. 

I have another interview tomorrow which I'm not really looking forward to as I think it will be similar to the one I did on Tuesday. 

The final interview I have scheduled is next Monday.  Today I was included on an email from them that included a rundown of applicants for the job.  It made me laugh that they sent it to me but also made me question if I would be offered that job as it seems they have someone they really liked.  So kind of awkward.  If I hear from the one I did today before Monday I might just cancel that interview. 

I feel more calm and like I may have a way forward. 

[Jazzy]

This sounds like great progress Rainydiary!

I get what you mean about always being treated poorly at work. I have the same experience. It's wonderful that you are aware of that, and realize so much about your mindset and how important it is to be treated with respected.

ICr sounds tough, but it sounds like you're winning the war!

All the best with your job interviews. I'm really hoping for the good one, but even if that doesn't work out, I'm sure there will be other good opportunities for you in the future.

I'm really impressed at how you have been able to hear things that sound good "they are like a family", but realize the truth behind it before getting trapped in a bad situation. That's such a huge accomplishment. Good job! 

Glad to hear you're feeling more calm and hopeful, and wish you even more positivity in the future.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate your words of encouragement and helping me see ways I am reading cues in my environment more. 

This afternoon my shoulder muscles started feeling extremely tight.  This is a persistent area of muscle armoring.  It had gone away for a long while so I am annoyed yet trying to be curious.  I am annoyed because it is so uncomfortable and seems to be mostly psychological in nature.  When this happens, I have a memory of my father grabbing me by my arm, lifting me up, and smacking me.  I can't be certain it was this side but that memory comes to me so it may well have been.  I often wonder if he did any damage to me or if it is my body's way of reminding me of how scared I was and didn't understand why he was doing that.  I don't have issues with how my body functions so it may be my body keeping those memories.  I also have found that my Inner Child often speaks to me from this spot so she must have something to say or is afraid.  I think what it means is some deep stuff is waking up in me. 

Earlier this week someone posted a graduation photo from when I was a junior.  The photo was for the senior class graduating.  I was at that graduation as an usher and was friends with a lot of the people in that photo. This was deeply emotional for me because I moved shortly after that and didn't get to graduate with people I had known for 2 years.  I went to three different high schools.  This photo made me feel deeply sad and alone.  I wonder if anyone in that photo remembers me.  I wonder what they remember.  I think about a boy I loved from that school.  I think about how much I longed for connection.  That was an incredibly difficult time in my life.  I am not sure I have fully felt and dealt with the pain of my high school experience. 

I think my current job situation is waking up all the times my family moved (my father was in the military when I was growing up).  There was this sense of uncertainty and often I felt this feeling of unfinished business I would never get the chance to see through.  I had to leave friends and achievements and security behind every 1-2 years.  I'm not sure I have fully felt and dealt with the pain of this either.

It is so wild how much there is to integrate.  I am so surprised at what I held on to.  I didn't ever really talk about a lot of my experiences growing up because it makes no sense to others.  I am wondering if it help to find other military brats to talk to.  I'm not sure that would help because I'm not sure it is the military life I want to talk about but rather trauma which not everyone experiences the same way. 

[Hope67]

I also have found that my Inner Child often speaks to me from this spot so she must have something to say or is afraid.  I think what it means is some deep stuff is waking up in me. 

Hi Rainydiary,
I related to so many things that you wrote here today, and I attempted to highlight some of them, but don't know how to include all the parts of the quotes in one reply - so I'm just selecting the first, which is your mentioning how your Inner Child often speaks to you from a particular place in your body - I really think that you're doing some deeper processing in recognising that.  I'm trying to do that processing myself, in terms of recognising where different parts are holding their feelings, and communicating, and it is eye-opening for me. 

I also related so much to your second paragraph where you mentioned your reactions to the graduation photo.  You felt deeply sad and alone when you looked at that photo, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug   

I also relate to the pain of having to leave friends and achievements and so many things behind, when moving as a child - that's so much for anyone to process, but especially for a child, and I relate to what you said about not fully feeling or dealing with the pain of so many transitions. 

I also never spoke to others about my experiences growing up, because I felt it made no sense to others, but what my own partner said to me yesterday was such that he said that a child looks around and has little experience of other people's lives, only their own - and how can you know what's normal, especially if you're moved around a lot.  That helped me when he said that, as it showed understanding.  I hope you don't mind my sharing that in your journal, as I feel like I'm writing a lot - but so much of what you said resonated with my own experiences.  You made me feel less alone in it, when I read what you wrote.

Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

I also read about your job interviews, and I really hope that you get the one that you felt most comfortable with.  Good luck!

Hope