Rainy Diary 2021

[Armadillo]

 

I can totally see the connection between the job situation, interviews, and memories of moving too much. It is sad that you were pulled away from your connections so frequently and suddenly. I hope your body memory eases over time, too.

And I was really happy to read you felt good about your interview yesterday!

[rainydiary]

Hope & Armadillo, thank you for your words and understanding.  I appreciate you reading my posts.

I had another interview today.  It occurred to this week that I've never had this many interviews at one time.  Usually I have one interview and am so desperate to leave a job that I take whatever helps me escape my current *.  I'm not sure I'll have a choice of jobs but I appreciate myself for taking the risk to put myself out there so much this week. 

I haven't enjoyed it all.  Today I really considered backing out of this interview.  I'm glad I didn't as I enjoyed the person I met with.  I'm not sure how I would fit into the school - I only spoke with the one person and I felt good talking to her.  It would definitely be rather different than what I've done before. 

I shared with a "friend" (I suppose this person is my friend but I have very complex feelings toward her) my experience today.  Her question to me was "Would you want to drive all the way there especially in winter?"  No.  Of course I wouldn't.  And yet this is the position I am in right now.  Considering tripling my commute time to find something that words better for me. 

I have no decision to make yet.  I made a list of things to do with my job transition.  I have been carrying all these things around in my mind and needed to get them out of my brain.  One big thing I may consider is taking some time to think about an offer instead of immediately accepting (I am assuming I will receive at least one offer). 

[Jazzy]

Your previous post sounds so difficult Rainydiary. I hope you are beginning to feel a bit more connected now and that it continues to improve. 

It sounds like things are challenging so your mind and body are reacting to that. As difficult as it may be, I believe you are making progress, and some of this hurt is a result of that healing.

You continue to impress me with how you are handling this job situation. It's great that you are not acting out of desperation! I think it also says a lot of good things about you that so many places would spend time to meet with you. I wonder how many opportunities I have missed by rushing to the first available job, for fear I may not get another option.

Taking some time to think about an offer sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm sure you will get at least one offer from these places! If not, maybe that's good too. I think it's better to take a bit more time to find a good fit then be stuck in the mess again.

When I have a big decision to make like this, I write out a list of pros and cons. Usually everything is not completely good or bad, but it's important to balance them out. Tripling your commute time doesn't sound so good, but a healthier work environment certainly does! Maybe you can try this out if it sounds helpful.

All the best to you, Rainydiary!

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate your insights.  It will be good to weigh pros and cons.  I've never actually written out pros and cons before, I wonder if it will be good to try. 

This afternoon I decided to check my work email.  I wanted to see if anyone had reached out or given me more information.  Nothing.  Something came over me where I felt like I haven't done enough to stand up for myself and I wanted to talk to someone in charge of what I am experiencing.   

I did have an email from someone that will be a new manager of my team.  I decided I wanted to try to talk to her about my experience.  I sent her an email and haven't heard back yet.

Then I thought about all that has gone on and realized that while that person might be helpful, I am still avoiding speaking to the people that are directly making my life a pain.  So I decided to try to get a meeting with the principal of the school I work at.  In our brief correspondence, the principal indicated she wanted some context of my concerns and claimed to not know what is going on.  I find that hard to believe.  We set a meeting date which might too far out if I get other job offers.

But I feel like I need to let the dust settle a bit.  I feel uncomfortable with putting myself out there.  I'm not sure it is going to help.  But it also felt important to try. 

[Jazzy]

It's really good to try, but it's also difficult!

Based on this:

... (They) claimed to not know what is going on.  I find that hard to believe.

I expect this meeting will be especially challenging. I trust you and your judgment. I don't want to discourage you from having this meeting, but I hope you are prepared for the reality of how challenging it may be, and have a plan to deal with the consequences.

Great job tackling the big issues!

[rainydiary]

Thanks Jazzy.  I appreciate the outside perspective.  I think I got caught up in fighting someone else's fight today.  I was trying to get help from my "friend" that I feel conflicted about...and she knows just how to egg me on which is why I know I should be careful with her.  She is much more assertive than I am and thinks I should handle things the way she does.  I have been having misgivings of my own about if I've done enough.  This has been in my heart.  And I want to be more proactive and not avoid my challenges.

But I am also wondering if I am falling into wanting to be pleasing because I am afraid.  I might not do that meeting.  I'm not sure it will do me any good.  I have three years of examples of how these people act.  I have not been treated well and it isn't my fault.

As the day has gone on I see how poorly I cared for myself today.  I lost my cool today.  I have time for things to settle and to get more information.  I will know what to do when the time comes. 

[Not Alone]

Leaving your unhealthy work situation and doing several interviews for a new position is huge.  At the same time you are so self-aware and continue to process. Yea for you.

[Armadillo]

What you are doing takes guts!!!! Good for you Rainy!

[rainydiary]

Notalone & Armadillo, I appreciate the encouragement.   

I feel unsettled this morning.  I don't have anything in particular to do today and I hope I will give myself space to relax.

I am feeling foolish for letting myself get hyped up yesterday.  I want to stand up for myself but also don't need to get pulled into other people's stuff.  I have at least let key people in my job know I'm not ok. 

I am in a waiting area.  I need more information before I really have any decision to make.  I have another job interview scheduled for Monday that I'm not sure I want to do.  After their faux pax of sending me an email where I basically saw they wouldn't pick me unless they "have" to, I'm not sure I want to put myself through the interview especially since I'm not really sure I would actually want the job. 



I'm noticing how tired I am and yet I find it so difficult to rest.  My brain is going, going, going to keep me agitated.  This might be a good day to do a lot of journaling. 

[rainydiary]

I might make a lot of entries as I process today.   

I went to get groceries.  As I was driving home, I felt proud that I at least let some people know I had a conversation that left me feeling uncomfortable.  I did wait over 2 weeks to speak up, but I did it.  And now when I make a decision, I will have laid the groundwork for others to know I wasn't ok.

In the future, I think it might help to speak up sooner in some situations.  If something isn't ok, I don't always have to eat my words and choose silence.  I honestly haven't had many great experiences with speaking up, but that doesn't mean I won't find ways for this to feel better.  I do think a big one will be speaking up sooner rather than later when something is bugging me AND dealing directly with that is bugging me and not dancing around it (if that is a safe option). 

I think that my speaking up tends to be extremely blunt and reveal truths others don't want to see.  I am being hard on myself in that I question if I need to learn to "play the game" better.  And yet, adjusting myself in order to make other people more comfortable when they are being inappropriate makes me upset.  I'm sure there is a balance here that I haven't found. 

[rainydiary]

Today has been relatively chill. 

My shoulder still aches and it is annoying me.  I reflected on my shoulder and tried doing a meditation focused on the pain.  Images of middle and high school came up.  I realized that while I get along with people, my friendships are shallow.  I do ok in public spaces but struggle with deeper aspects of relationship building.  I also saw that while I know moving as much as I did was traumatic, I haven't really acknowledged that aspect of my trauma. 

Today I wrote a post on Facebook reflecting on this.  I received some really kind messages.  One person and I roomed together in college for a period of time.  It was not a pleasant experience.  I have never held it against her and have often felt bad for my role in it.  Today she said she wanted to apologize.  It caught me so off guard.  It was beautiful.  It made me see that the work I am doing is making an impact even if it is difficult and complex. 

I hope to have a relatively relaxing weekend.  I notice I'm not really letting myself let go completely but hopefully I can find some moments of ease. 

[Armadillo]

That's really beautiful, Rainy, what happened when you posted something vulnerable

[Not Alone]

I'm noticing how tired I am and yet I find it so difficult to rest.  My brain is going, going, going to keep me agitated. 

I hope to have a relatively relaxing weekend.  I notice I'm not really letting myself let go completely but hopefully I can find some moments of ease. 

Having had so many interviews and being in the middle of looking for a new job is extremely stressful. It makes sense that your brain and body will take some time to relax a bit. Glad you are doing what you can to take care of yourself and bring what calm you can to your body and mind.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your words of support Notalone & Armadillo.

I'm not well physically today.  I did a very long run and believe I overheated.  These are the types of runs that have been the end of my training in the past.  I spent some time researching things I could do and ordered some items I hope will help. 

I have not been able to feel comfortable all day today.  I honestly don't know what would help other than going to bed and calling it a day. 

[Armadillo]

Training for ultras sounds really tough and it completely makes sense to want to call it a day and hop in bed. Tale care of yourself and make sure you have the hydration and electrolytes and nutrition your body needs.