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Hello, didn't think I would be doing this, but I feel this need to take a break and distance myself. I only have the energy to mentally fight my own demons for now, so I'll be focusing on myself first. When I come back, I'll be back to helping the lovely people on this forum and showing them support (although I send support even when I'm not online). I am eternally grateful for this forum 

Notalone, I wanted to send a hug and say that I hear you and I'm happy Hope will be able to share what she has need to to your T (I know how difficult it was for you to hold it off this long) 
Sending you my support and care 

Back at you too, Rainydiary  Thank you for the hug

I feel frustrated, discouraged, scared and hearing a lot of negativity towards myself from IC and abusers (internalized) voices.
I'm taking a big leap here. I think the biggest and only and first leap I have ever taken for my mental health. I am keen on starting this 30 day challenge. It starts tomorrow and it's mainly focused on awareness of self (which is why it's the only one I've opened myself up to).
But I'm terrified of failing. I'm terrified of failing every step, because for some reason if I fail, then my worth will be proven to be nothing. I am stressed, my thoughts are running in circles, and I cannot keep still (inside). I am afraid that it might work, I'm afraid of disappointing my abusers, I'm afraid of feeling more. I feel like if I feel more of my pain I might collapse. But then again, I feel already that at any moment I will collapse in myself (whether I feel or not). Strangely enough, I also feel alone. This sense of having been neglected that really impacted me. I feel like a child that wants to run to their caregiver, and be comforted and held tight.

For information (if anyone is interested), this is a 30 day challenge that is started with Richard Grannon. His video on this shows all the links you need (on YouTube). No pressure though, it's very intense, and completely fine if you feel unable to do it right now (for me, I couldn't do it last year because it felt too much).

Bella, I don't know if this is the same thing, but I did want to share what I go through. When I'm in a specific EF, even if I do receive touch, like a hug, I find it triggers my EF even worse for some reason, like I automatically push it away as it was a bad thing (for protection). So in those moments, it's hard to understand what I want, as I'm feeling very depressed and alone in the EF (more so than usual), but touch does not seem to help.
I also struggle with the fact that it feels like I never have enough of physical comfort from someone, like I don't have enough of hugs, etc. I think it's just those holes inside of us that symbolise the absence of comfort and warmth when needed in our childhood.
Hope this helps  

Mojay, I'm happy that you're feeling better and finding some (even minuscule) light, it can be very scary when you go into these periods of SI. I also wanted to add that you're not alone in feeling ashamed or unsure whether you should be laying out your intense emotions to your friends, I've been on that train a lot of times, and occasionally I still do. I find that it's a balance, but remember, nothing is perfect so it's okay if there are bumps on the road.
I also wanted to congratulate you on putting your needs first and taking the step of asking for therapy sessions 3x a week, it takes lots of courage to ask and be there for yourself 
Sending you lots of love and care, Mojay, and remember, we're always here for you, to listen, show empathy and be a place where you are understood 

San, wanted to come by and say that I hear you and feeling your pain  Although I'm unable to relate, I still hope that you know that you are not alone in this, we all feel your pain as you describe. Sending you a safe, warm and big hug

Thank you BB 

Thank you San so much, I feel very much less alone with this 

Mojay, my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain, and everything you're going through, and just like San said, I'm here too and am like a safety net. I always read your posts, and although I'm not doing well with mental energy these days to reply, I always wish you well.
Remember, one foot in front of the other, even if it's a small step, like going to bed, or drinking water before sleeping. But if this is all too hard, it's ok to take a short break from going forward, and just stay where you are for some time. Sending you my support and care, Mojay, and know that we here on the forum will always cheer you on. You can picture us in the audience of whatever hurdle/struggle you face, and we will be the ones cheering you on, saying, "Yes, you can do it Mojay!" or "We're here for you!". I have done this many times, imagining my support here as an audience when times are tough.

Here's a big hug, and am also adding to the fortress for your protection

TW: discussing emotional e*ting

I have kept this part of myself hidden for so long. I now got ready for bed, but having discussed this topic with my m shortly before, my thoughts kept racing and unable to stop.
I am ashamed of my eating habits, and frequent needs of eating something. I know it's linked to my trauma, food was the only thing that brought me joy (and I feel this is what I'm ashamed of). I feel like crap whenever I think about food or my eating habits, and I can't go to sleep. I hate myself so much right now that I want to sleep to disappear, but at the same time I'm terrified of closing my eyes and letting my body relax.

I'm in so much pain right now. When will this ever end?

Goblinchild, I completely feel what you're talking about. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, the inner critic can be very nasty and go into extremes.
So many times (too many to count) during my teens I would go through this self hatred, exactly as you described. I'd hate myself, my brain, my body and every little action I've done. But I want to tell you, it's not true. Those are just internalized voices of our abuser(s), and sometimes our own criticism but to the extreme.
You are not dumb, you are not stupid, you're not too sensitive. You are a precious person. You are smart in your own ways. Your body is your body, and there's nothing wrong with how it is right now (I hope this makes sense).
You are human. You have emotions. You feel upset. You feel anger. And it's all because we are human. So no, you're not "exaggerating". Our abusers tell us, why are you so emotionally affected? But it is normal. The human body uses emotions for it's daily functioning, ex: we feel uncomfortable when it's too hot, so we must cool down; or "this wind is too chilly", and it's making me feel worse, so I must protect myself to not catch a cold, but more importantly, to no longer feel this unpleasantry.
I know that most of what I wrote won't get through this dark cloud of criticism and hatred, but I hope some of it has.

Sending you support and care, and a blanket of comfort (if it's ok)

Mojay, I'm so sorry you're going through this. When my sypmtoms take over, I too do not see much escape. Sending you my love and support, and a blanket with a warm drink (if it's ok) 
I hope you are able to find something calming, and it's already a good step that you reached out (pat on the back for you) 

How are you doing now?

Hi Amnesia, I wholeheartedly believe in what you wrote, that the trauma of abandonment and neglect are the core reasons to blocking healing.
I sent you a PM with a further discussion. Sending you support and care (if it's ok) your way! 

San, I'm so sorry this whole house showing is very nerve wracking and stressful, sending you my support and care for that 
I'm happy that you're able to feel the warmth for your younger self in your chair, brought a smile to my face  Sending you a big hug too , you've had so much going on