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I don't know what to say for today. I feel scared, frozen. I had a dream. Or more a nightmare, although I can barely connect to my emotions in it.

TW: violence————————

What I do remember is that someone was shooting at me, or trying to. And I remember bracing myself for it, for being k*lled essentially. I was protecting my m, for whatever reason, from the gun. So I put my body in front of hers. And there was this person shooting bullets at us, and until then they had missed, but I knew that eventually they will get me and I will die.
I've had many "nightmares" (I put this in quotation marks because most of them I'm unable to feel the extent of the emotions, so essentially presently they feel more like "bad dreams") but I never can connect the meaning of the emotion(s) that I'm aware to what's inside me (in my head).

I'm feeling tense, frightened and tired. I'm afraid of admitting that I'm in an EF, a part does not want to accept. I will respect that decision and will say that trauma stuff is coming back up. Scary stuff.

You're always welcome here San, and there's no pressure for reading other's posts, you do what's best for you 
I'm sorry you're going through this San, and I completely relate to the whole stress that is just too much (understatement). Sending you my love and care, and full of warm hugs for your week   

Notalone,   

Bluegem, I've been there with anger too. Although I haven't used the emotion for a year now, when I used to feel invalidated by my m or d, I would have this surge of rage come over me. And as you described, it was like all I felt was this disproportionate rage to the situation that had happened. It was horrible for me, did not like it at all.
Sorry you went through that, but as mojay said, at the end of the day, being invalidated isn't a small thing. For us, in our adult years, it brings us back to our childhood when that's all that happened: our "closest people" invalidating our needs, feelings, safety.

Sending you care and support, Bluegem and a warm hug too

Asche, my heart goes out to your fears. I'm sorry you have to live with these fears (I hope it's ok to say that, if not then you can ignore that).
I just want to tell you, that you're not an "alien". You're not the skunk. You're just a human being, who's had * thrown at them and gone through it all. And it's ok to feel hopeless, and not feel hope in your daily life. Because that is your defense mechanism, that protected you when you needed protection (and nobody was there to be that role). And so, you become your own parent when you were just a little kid. This all to say is that, your experiences and trauma are valid. And that that trauma has made you not feel hope is ok.
I, too, don't feel hope. I can feel positive emotions for a brief time, but hope has not been one of them (yet). I also have a very negative view of the world, and most times I feel like everyone will come and attack me at some point, because that's just how it is. You grow up with the fact that the world attacks you constantly with *. I hope I helped you show that you're not alone in this.
Sending you a hug (if it's ok) 

Thank you BB, you made me smile (much needed)   

San, my heart goes out to you  I'm so sorry pure going through this, everything you said is clearly overwhelming and exhausting (especially the whole house thing). I wish I could actually help you in taking some of the responsibilities off from you (I know, silly wish), but I'm sending you a bundle of energy that I have left and my own hugs, safe and warm from life's weight. Thinking about you, San, as always   

Hi Amnesia, I didn't know what Reiki was until I googled it, but I've heard about it. I also have wanted to get some crystals for my own healing, but never have come around it because I have very little knowledge of that field and there just seem so many choices.

I don't know if this helps, but I did want to share. 

Hey Snookie, I've tried guided meditation twice, and "just meditation" a couple of times. It hasn't worked for me, as you said, because I felt scared and not good (overthinking very much too). Haven't tried any other mindfulness techniques, but I do tend to listen to slow piano (playlist for studying) on repeat all day with whatever I'm doing, so that's kind of my way of "meditating" in my bubble. Although for this, I would advise getting headphones for the sound to be better when at home.

Don't know if any of this helps, but hopefully something will  Sending you a hug  and support

Thank you Hope and Notalone for your support and comfort. I feel like this is part of the root cause (there is still other things that contributed to some trauma) for my relational trauma and it feels so raw and very fragile in my mind. And I think it will always be like that, well for decades to come.

TW: choice of words, mention of PA and EA——————-
My b, that I do not want give the name "brother" (contrary to my other sibling), has always been a part of me. A terror in my life from day one it feels. I don't remember any memories when I do not feel tense and hyper vigilant around him (even in my earliest, which is like 6 years old that I can remember). When I was 12/13ish, I remember writing a song (just lyrics), about him being a "monster and the worst person ever" (pretty much the devil in a child's mind). And know when I think of my life and mind, every physical abuse I endured has stayed in my body (influencing every action I make), and all the emotional abuse warps my mind with voices and negative thoughts. How could such a person have so much control over your life? I feel sad.

End of TW————————

I wanted to come here and congratulate myself on being on this forum for already a year!  (my "1 year anniversary" of my journal will be in March so...) This was a big step that I took in my long (and still continuing) recovery process. I remember having found this forum in July/June, but "I didn't have the guts" to read or relate. I still have doubts of whether if not I have cptsd, or trauma, and I know it will always be there (hopefully won't be as prevalent when I'm older).

I also wanted to add that I've been having exams this week, so very stressful and exhausting (understatement). I sometimes just feel like I want to cry, but alas, I haven't just cried uncontrollably for a year now. So inside sadness and turmoil it is.

Alliematt, I don't know how to word what I want to say in the perfect words, but I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I could feel the anxiety and the overload (understatement, I know...) of stress you've been going through. I'm sending you my biggest hug that hopefully can shield you from some of the ongoing worries and just bad thoughts
I hear you, Alliematt. And I just want to say that you should not feel guilty of resting/taking a break/ or just laying around and doing nothing when it's overwhelming and exhausting. I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Sending you support and care, and some fresh water to help cleanse your mind a bit from all the thoughts going around (i hope this imagery is ok...)   

  Sending you hugs and support as always, Hope. You're doing great! 

Welcome Wic, glad un joined us  I hope you find support and comfort here, and at least a place where you are not faced with judgements left and right.

Hi, on the computer it should be on the first tab, where "website; About cptsd...; My messages" are. On the phone, click on the 3 lines/bars above on the right corner, it will show the same thing (and don't worry, I also didn't know where tab above was located on mobile  )
Hope this helps

Sending you support, notalone  I'm sorry you had such a hard time waking up, I haven't had what you described but I've had something like that, it's a horrible feeling to wake up like that. Hope you're feeling better, sending you a cup of warm hot chocolate (or tea, whichever you prefer) and a safe blanket