Messages

Thank you San for being here and supporting me, means a lot  Sending you love too 

BB, back at you too 

Thank you Hope  It felt validating that you shared the same struggles.

I wanted to write something, but now feel completely disconnected. A part has come by with its role of dissociation, and is protecting me from pain. I know that.

Edit: I came back. I want to chuckle. I find this funny, but I know that this is my defensive mechanism (laughter is my protective measure). A while back I talked about school and the pressures that I felt that I could not deal with. It lead me to barely finishing my high school years (mentally). I felt horrible, everyday at school (even in my last years) was a cycle of shame and torment of fear.
Some posts ago, I delved into the why and thought about the times that my b (abuser) would "try to teach" me and how uncomfortable and honestly upsetting/traumatizing it was to be pushed to sit next to him and try to understand and "learn", when I was completely frozen next time, with memories of his abuse (I don't know if this makes sense). Sadly, my school trauma/experience doesn't end there. I was in constant fear with my grades and academic achievements because of my parents. I didn't want to lose their approval, but most of all, I didn't want to lose their love. My whole life I've been teetering on this log; do my parents still love me (and will show care and affection), or do they no longer love me, taking away any affection or care, ignoring me in the end? Although it never came to completely "ignoring", this is one of my true fears. It somehow never seemed that their love was always there, I felt (and was in constant fear) that it could slip away in a moment.

I feel sad, and emotionless. This is how trauma shows itself, it protects the deep with the small (when it's too much to bear imo). It is interesting to note that, for most of my years, I only felt anger at my FOO for the relentless abuse from my b, never could see the possibility that the responsibility and fault lies in b. And here, I felt anger towards my b, picturing that it's his fault in creating my school trauma, and although he did add to it, in the end, the real responsibility lies in my parents.

Rainydiary, welcome back  Missed you, happy to here that you've found new tools that help and sending you much support and care for your recovery journal 

Three Roses, welcome back, I'm glad you have good news and feeling better 
Sending you support and care (and a hug if it's ok) 

Buddy, I'm sorry you've been going through so much. I completely understand how moving already could be invalidating towards the amounts of work you've put in your house.
Sending you support and care while you deal with this unknown, and hope you feel a bit better the next days  Please still be kind to yourself these days (if it's ok to say), I know you've been struggling a lot lately 

Sending you my support and love, Hope  It's nice that you were able to do some self care, and tidy up things
Sounds like you have accomplished a lot  Here's some love and care for the end of the week

Bermuda, I saw this thread and thank you for talking about it. Yesterday, someone who I had been following on social media said this:

TW: this might be upsetting to read
"I could pity myself over my traumatic childhood, I could use it as an excuse everyday, but I choose happiness"

I was shocked. And taken a back. This puts me back in my childhood, when everyone would say, "Why are you so down? Why are you so sleepy everyday? Why do you always have such a depressed face?". I usually don't listen to other's advice, but I opened myself to this one because this person started to talk about "growing up in a negative household", which I related to. I feel very strongly what Saylor said: I don't choose to be a victim/abuse survivor, I just am. I am what I am, what I have gone through. If I'm pitying myself everyday, if I feel sad for myself everyday, then that's what I am. Because at the end of the day, we all are on different recovery journeys, and we take it with different steps. Recovery length is not "one size fits all". No. For some people, recovery is life long, for some it's not that long. For some people, showing empathy, sadness, to their parts that were abused, takes years.

I might need to take a social media break. I hope I didn't go too far in a tangent, I just wanted to say this too.

Goblinchild, I feel you. I'm sorry you're in such a tough place right now.
I wanted to come by and say that you're not alone in this, I've had these same thoughts for a whole year, when I started to look into healing. A week ago, I found myself thinking, would I be able to still function if something from my past came up (memory), or if I was put in the same past situation: how would I deal with it? I have a lot of fears of this. Although they are a bit different from what you're going through, I thought that there were still some similarities.
Sending you support

Sceal, I'm sorry you've been having nightmares, my heart goes out to you  I'm sorry about your cat having worms, hope they get better quickly so you can have more snuggles Sending you my care and support, and although I don't have anything helpful to say for your artwork sales, just know that I'm rooting for you in any case.
P.S. I'd also be happy to see some of your artwork if you ever choose to share (no pressure though, you can completely ignore this) 

Notalone, just wanted to pop by and send you my support  I'm very glad that your doctor appointment went well, and that she wasn't at all invalidating. Hope the app helped for finding treatment, sending you a big hug

Sending you support and love, Hope  I've also had books in my mind to read (related to trauma) but haven't gotten the courage (?) or the ok from my parts. There are even chapters in Pete Walker's book that were upsetting and I couldn't even read the first sentence. And about the coffee jars, you're not alone in that feeling, I've had so many times when I'd buy something but feel ashamed at leaving the store with only one thing, or with a strange combination...

I nearly acted on a thought that it would be fun to colour in the dot-to-dot pictures after I'd finished them, but so far I've not felt able to act on that thought. 

I hope I'm not oversharing here, but I did want to tell you that your sentence struck me: how many times have I had the thought to grab my paintbrushes and just paint, or color in pictures, but then never been able to act on it.

Hope you have a good week (as best as it can be), sending you my support and warm, safe hug 

Thank you Notalone for your validation. I haven't been able to see it that way, so it helps when I hear it from someone else.

I didn't think whether I'd want to update or write more, but it seems that I'm still struggling. I realized I've come to a point now where I know that I'm better when I don't feel the need to write on this forum frequently, and so I've been holding off writing a lot of times just to tell myself that it's not that bad. But I'm still having a hard time, so here I am.
I've been having the conversation of the phone call from yesterday (with my b) playing over in my mind again and again. Right now I have a specific sentence that I can hear in my head that my d said when talking to my b (he was the one in charge of the conversation). I feel that it was overshare of information, and although I know my d had my best interests at heart, I still feel uncomfortable. As if the situation wasn't triggering enough, this "overshare" just struck right as a trigger and has me scared even more.
Everything is very complicated. And scary. I don't know what to say.

Thank you Hope 

I just had something happen. Usually, I'd bury this with my shame inside, and all of the bad things that my IC tells me. But I know this is a safe place, and a place of support. I keep repeating this to myself, so I would feel less scared.
How to explain. I had a family member tell my b (over the phone) that I do not wish to speak to him for a while. I don't know what to feel. I also witnessed my m cry because of me (although everything is alright now, just a misunderstanding) but it still is a big fear from my childhood: never make m cry, because then you're in trouble (for whatever reason). And although it was some time back, and I have discussed the unfairness of a lot of things with my mom (she's be open with her faults and me too), it still hurts. I still felt frozen, detached, unaware, when it happened. Again, the phrase "because of me" just brings so much guilt, fear and shame. In my childhood, my m was very emotional and got fumed up very fast. So I always had to tiptoe around her and her emotions, to not tick her off.
So much in my head. It feels very discouraging. But I'm happy I shared these "shameful" thoughts. So much I've kept inside. Hopefully I'll feel better after a while.

Welcome Taylor  Happy you found us, and glad you joined! Sending you my support and a hug (if it's alright)