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I believe you and your memories. I'm sorry he abused you in such horrid ways.

Safe virtual hugs.

Yeah.

I have to make many trips to the bathroom to make sure I am not disgusting. Multiple showers a day. I believe I am disgusting.

I feel disgusting. Sometimes the stress of everyday life makes that true in that I think the stress comes out as a smell.

I used to rush into bathrooms at grocery stores if someone would come close because I was so convinced I was disgusting I'd have to wash my body at the sink. Weird stuff. That particular symptom has quieted down a bit since I realized what was happening and what it really was about. I hate myself. That thought just came rushing in after typing these things. It is a way of distracting from the ugly abuses under it all. I hate myself. I'm disgusting. These are, weirdly, protective thoughts.

It's quite damaging the things that are done. I'm sorry you are suffering.

 

Way to go listening to yourself!

I'm really proud of you Bert.

May I suggest only for consideration...

There are ways to put your current set of skills to good use helping people, too. For example in the US at least there's the ad council and they do advertisements for the greater good...public health etc. Or if you are willing to deal with bureaucracy...government agencies...you could find one who's mission aligns with your values and help with communications, social media, etc. For example I worked in a federal agency and we were always trying to design what we called "public outreach" to get out info on how to protect yourself and family from things like wildfire smoke. Greater good. BUT we were all scientists and engineers and had no idea how to market things. Just a thought. There are state, county, city, federal agencies who could use your skills. I don't know if you are in the US but there are agencies who focus on mental health for instance. All I'm saying is your skill set can actually help people if you wanted to keep using it. Government can be frustrating but rewarding and the worklife balance is good too. Just an idea. Dog walking also sounds really nice.

 

NK rest in good care until you are stronger.     

I will be worried for you and sending strong healing vibes till you are out. I am sorry you are ill enough to be in ICU but so relieved to know you are being taken care of now.

Such a complicated question, isn't it? I do know we did not deserve what happened to us. Why it happened to us? Bad luck of the draw? I guess that is apt for initial trauma from the initial abusers. But the remaining traumas that we somehow seem to attract? That's complicated. I know why some of those happened and it's because of the original traumas and how they shaped my mind and nervous system and behaviors.

Then there's the question of why do people do these things at all?

And:

Is there a purpose to the bad things? Some people seem to draw greater meaning from their traumas. To some that is an absolutely appalling thought. Me, I guess because in the end my life turned out OK even with these traumas and symptoms I guess I can just say I'm grateful for the parts that turned out well. That one trauma led to another led to another led to me meeting my husband and having a family and a nice life. If certain horrible things hadn't happened my life would not have forked where it did. I think it's only possible to have that view if things worked out. They don't always sadly.

So I guess I know why me

I know I didn't deserve it

I don't know why these people did what they did

I know personally I am OK and my life might be better or worse without those traumas but it wouldn't be the life I currently have

Nothing helpful I know

 

Oh NK. Stay safe please I truly hope you can get into a hospital ASAP. Love and gentle hugs.

Hi Hope. Thanks for sharing all that. 

It all makes perfect sense and nearly any of us could have written it word for word.

I don't know if it helps. Me and my T went too fast at first. It doesn't work. There are so many issues with going fast but one really big one is you end up triggered or dissociated during therapy itself and that time in therapy spent in those states outside the window of tolerance means effective healing work can't take place. So you are essentially wasting that time. There are many many other reasons to go slow, but that is one. Two years isn't long for trauma and dissociation. I'm going on 5.5 years now. I really hope to be done by the end of this year but realistically it might be another full year. But there's been massive improvement along the way it's not like 2 or 5 or 6 years of not feeling better. So please don't feel bad it's taking awhile. It does. But this is intricate work being done. Reworking how our brain and nervous system functions. Keep going!

I'm sorry it's a difficult patch right now. The coping tools we build don't help much when we are in these flashbacks. May they pass soon.

Oh my goodness NK! That sounds like a very very awful illness. I am so relieved to read you've been to the doctor. Please stay on top of it if it doesn't improve. That sounds scary! 

I know this is not too relevant to your core question of how is it different but I wanted to suggest a couple thoughts...


1. Blueberry answered really well I think about going slow and doing less. I'll add that opening these boxes can be pretty destabilizing that's part of why slow ends up being much much faster. You don't get knocked as far back. You shuffle forward instead of leaping ahead and straight over a cliff. I've learned this lesson the hard way as have pretty much everyone else here. Over and over I've learned this lesson. You'll learn it too and then you'll be able to go "oh yeah...slow is faster."

I also want to gently point out that the ongoing emotional trauma with your mom might be more significant than you are letting yourself realize right now. 

Facing this stuff is difficult and painful and causes a lot of sadness but that's part of moving through it and healing. There's better days ahead. Keep going, slow.

Amazing story Papa C. Also adding into the layers...maternal stress hormones pass thru the umbilical and in an anatomically female fetus all the eggs they will ever carry are formed in utero as well. So the eggs that went on to become MY babies were formed in my mother's womb while my father tried to kill her.

I hope you can keep posting here and there Bert as I'll be in the same boat in less than a month, returning to the workforce with a reputation that proceeds me as a super performer but needing to keep things manageable and "just a job."

If someone new were coming to my team I'd rather they ask me what tasks I could use help with than have someone new try to solve my problems. So kind of like Goslash27 I'd probably avoid trying to save the day too soon and instead try to be mildly helpful. What can I help you with in the short-term while I learn more about what I can do for the team long-term?