I Am

[sanmagic7]

hey, bach, could she be showing signs of dementia/alzheimer's or something to that effect?  it sounds very paranoid to me.  not that i'm trying to find an excuse, but it sounds like a trip to a doctor might be in order.  such behavior is intolerable and it's awful that your brother is going thru this and that you have to watch it happen.  so very sorry it's happening.  still, no excuse for her treating him like this.  love and hugs

[Bach]

hey, bach, could she be showing signs of dementia/alzheimer's or something to that effect?  it sounds very paranoid to me.  not that i'm trying to find an excuse, but it sounds like a trip to a doctor might be in order.  such behavior is intolerable and it's awful that your brother is going thru this and that you have to watch it happen.  so very sorry it's happening.  still, no excuse for her treating him like this.  love and hugs

It might almost be easier to deal with if these were signs of dementia/Alzheimer's, but I don't think they are.  She goes to the doctor frequently for all kinds of things, and never once has her mental competence been questioned.  The sad truth is, she's always been like this, completely allergic to ever taking responsibility for anything.  She always finds something or someone to blame for anything in her life that she's unhappy about.  There is always a reason that it's not her fault, she didn't do it, it was an accident or beyond her control or a genetic flaw, SOMETHING.  She is perhaps less filtered and more virulent about it in her old age, but nothing happening here is out of character for her.  I think that she knows that she is getting too old and frail to live by herself in that house, and deep down she does want to be someplace safer and more suitable, but along with the fact that she hates change and is very attached to the past, she is FURIOUS about being in that position.  Therefore someone has to be the villain, and now that her husband is dead, my brother is the only candidate.  She has more than once told me in the tone of a cute or funny story about the "terrible things" she said to her late husband when they had to give up their apartment in the city and were in the process of moving to the beach house full time, and how lucky she is that he put up with it.  Well, he was her husband and chose to spend his life with a manipulative woman-child who was highly skilled at getting what she wanted while getting him to take the responsibility for deciding, and he was a pretty nasty person himself, so whatever, but my poor brother who has plenty of his own problems is only trying to do his best and does not in any way deserve this.

[sanmagic7]

bach, she sounds a lot like my D1, with whom i've been estranged for over a decade.  no, your brother doesn't deserve such vitriol, abuse, negativity from her.  i wish he could extricate himself from her.  so very sorry this is going on, honestly.  it's just awful.  and i feel bad for you that you have to watch all this awfulness happening to your brother.  thanks for sharing.  it helped revive my own importance in staying away from such people, even if they're related to me.  i hope there's a way for this to be helped for his sake.  love and hugs

[Bach]

I'm feeling very low today, very bad about myself. I think what I'm supposed to do with that is acknowledge it, let myself feel it and not try to repress it or talk myself out of it, and then let it go. But I have trouble with the whole "let it go" thing. I don't seem to know how to do it, not with this, not with big things, not with anything. I get stuck in my negative feelings and can't seem to get out. Sad. Today I really feel like my mother's daughter, and that is not a good way to feel. I'm like a black hole of neediness with no real self.

[sanmagic7]

sending you a hug of comfort and care, bach 

i remember being told many times from 12-steppers to 'let go and let God', and i would say that it wasn't me hanging onto anything, cuz the 'stuff' was hanging onto me.  i do believe that's how this works.  it's not necessarily anything we are ABLE to let go of, try as we might.  this stuff has a hold on us thru neural networks or whatever so the 'letting go' thing just isn't our reality.

i do believe, however, this, too, shall pass, as i've heard many times here on the forum, and have experienced that many times as well.  i just hope you can take care of yourself as best you can while you go thru this part of the c-ptsd beast, and hang on till you come out the other side.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Sounds like an EF to me and I can't let those go either, not at the drop of a hat. I find they suddenly go on their own. You are not your mother or like her. Sending care and compassion, Bach

[NarcKiddo]

Let it go. Yeah. Right. Sounds good in theory. In practice, with CPTSD, I agree with San. That seems to velcro onto us. So when we can't actually let it go we end up with another stick to beat ourselves with.

I will say that I have found some success in doing the other things on your list, though. Because the bad feelings do eventually go, and sometimes much faster than I expect. Instead of actively trying to let them go, which I find can turn them into the elephant in the room, how about trying to engage with them a bit more? I mean, really turn a spotlight on them if you have the time and mental energy. Which I know in itself is a big ask. What I mean is, instead of just acknowledging and letting yourself feel whatever it is, have a jolly good look at it.

Hello Shame, old pal. What are you doing here? Haven't you got anywhere better to be? Clearly not. I am obviously the world's best company for you. Lucky me. So, what do you want? You want to tell me I did/thought/felt xyz. OK. When did I do that? 50 years ago? And you're STILL bringing it up? Really? OK then, let's talk about xyz. You want to know why I did that? How the heck should I remember? Oh, wait. Maybe I do remember a bit. Yeah, I did that because my delightful mother did/said xyz. Huh? You're saying it could have been handled better? Sure, maybe somebody else could have handled it better. You know, somebody with a nice, loving mother and a supportive upbringing. But me? I think I did the best I could at the time. You disagree? Well, fine. Your prerogative. What else do you have? Bring it...

Clearly the above is a bit flippant but if you haven't tried a slightly combative approach it might be worth a go. Or any other approach that involves fairly close attention to the bad feeling to make it justify itself. Having such an interaction with the bad feeling might make it slink off quicker.

[Armee]

Sounds like an EF to me and I can't let those go either, not at the drop of a hat. I find they suddenly go on their own. You are not your mother or like her. Sending care and compassion, Bach

 

[Armee]

About your current feelings, I can't say it any better than Blueberry so won't try. Other than to say "let it go" isn't really very easy to do in fact what I think "let it go" means in practice might be more akin to "process it" cause then and only then can something be let go of. Otherwise it stays right where it currently lives in our brains to popoff and haunt us at any moment. But "processing" things can be difficult, long, unclear, and you might be missing pieces you need right now that need to be processed first before whatever this one is can be processed and let go. Like doing a complicated puzzle in the dark and not knowing if you are even missing key pieces. So UGH to the mess cptsd causes in our minds. But please don't feel bad that you can't let it go.

I also wanted to say as I am just now catching up here...I'm sorry for what is happening with your mom and brother. My mom did the same toward the end. It wasn't dementia it was a worsening of her personality disorder coupled with I guess a more immature ability to hide her lies? They just became almost comically but heartbreakingly and maddeningly clear what she was doing. Like a 3 yr old lying about eating chocolate while hands are covered in chocolate.

When my mom was nearing that stage she really turned on me and any kind thing I tried to do she dragged me through the mud over. What really helped me while going through that was having my sister and aunts witness it and let me know they see it. Because even if we know they are crazy we can start to doubt ourselves under that onslaught. So just be there and be a truth teller for your brother. It doesn't have to be directed to your mom, just let him know you see and it's crazy and you are sorry. One day it will be over. Sometimes one day can't hardly come soon enough. 

[Blueberry]

Other than to say "let it go" isn't really very easy to do in fact what I think "let it go" means in practice might be more akin to "process it" cause then and only then can something be let go of. Otherwise it stays right where it currently lives in our brains to popoff and haunt us at any moment. But "processing" things can be difficult, long, unclear, and you might be missing pieces you need right now that need to be processed first before whatever this one is can be processed and let go. Like doing a complicated puzzle in the dark and not knowing if you are even missing key pieces. So UGH to the mess cptsd causes in our minds. But please don't feel bad that you can't let it go.

 

My M has been getting worse too. It turns out to be partially because of some form of dementia.