coming to terms with not knowing (possible tw)

[asdis]

Recently we've been struggling a lot with what we don't know about our past. Our body knows, it remembers, but the more we learn and understand the less anything makes sense. Each new flashback fills in the gaps that our body has been trying to communicate; half of them aren't even new, we're just able to comprehend them for the first time. The problem now is that we have even less of an idea as to how our "normal" life hid the abuse and how the abuse and "normal" parts happened together. Also, the more we learn the less we know about how or when any of it ended.

It feels like there's no winning. Not knowing, not having anything beyond somatic memories and emotional flashbacks, and having to just trust ourselves is nearly impossible to deal with. Constantly confused and questioning why our body and mind are reacting to things that we're completely oblivious to; the intense denial, self-blame, and constantly fighting internally. Knowing, though, means having to accept that all of the abuse we endured both did happen and that we are expected to be a person regardless. Knowing means understanding the flashbacks we have, constantly being bombarded with warnings about the world around us, being unable to engage with the outside world unless our interactions are very carefully curated because when we know what happened we can see all the different societal norms and systems that contributed to our abuse and hiding it. Knowing also means knowing that we will either never fully know what happened, or that we will continue to be stuck in the cycle of remembering and denial until there's nothing left, and considering it's been ten years of untangling this web, that our life will never truly change.

Every day is a struggle internally between trying to do the work and trying not to drown in it. Constantly telling ourselves that we aren't lying, we aren't making it up, we only know what we know, etc and having to find ways to prove those statements without triggering ourselves further.  We don't know how to come to terms with not knowing, it makes this even more isolating.

[NarcKiddo]

It is very difficult. I am sure a lot of my experiences were built up from babyhood. I also have very few memories until the age of about six and then huge rushes of memory about certain things.

My own history contains little of what outsiders would consider big T trauma so it makes it extra hard sometimes even to accept there is trauma there.

I have tried to trigger some memories of the blank period. I looked up maps and photos online of the area we lived at the time. I have looked at family photos. But my mind remains resolutely blank and I have had to accept it is a protective mechanism. It is frustrating and difficult. I think maybe you could give some more consideration to your words "having to prove those statements...". I totally understand the desire to prove what happened but I think it is worth continually considering why you want to prove statements, and to whom. Why you think they might want proof and whether it is true that they do. Also perhaps consider what you think might be the result of you being able to prove statements.

It is easy to suppose that if we can only achieve x things will be better. In my case I long believed that once my mother departs this earth I will no longer have a problem. Fortunately I started therapy because a small voice started warning me that I might be wrong about that. I've come to realise that actually I will still be left with me and my history and my reactions and my emotions. Disengaging emotionally from her (at least to a noticeable degree) has helped but many triggers have nothing obvious to do with her and happen when she is not present or even in my conscious mind.

You've been untangling your web for ten years and it is always worth reviewing everything from time to time rather than pursuing one particular goal. You may discover that your priorities and needs may have changed a little. You may already do this anyway but I mention it for what it's worth. Or even just approaching something from a different angle. Instead of saying "how do we come to terms with what we don't know" maybe say "how do we come to terms with what we do know" and then have a good long think about what you do know.

Good luck. I don't know if any of this is any use, because I certainly don't have the answer.

[Armee]

 

I could have written this except I'm not nearly as eloquent as you. That pull between knowing but not knowing is very painful.

[Kizzie]

Every day is a struggle internally between trying to do the work and trying not to drown in it. Constantly telling ourselves that we aren't lying, we aren't making it up, we only know what we know, etc and having to find ways to prove those statements without triggering ourselves further.  We don't know how to come to terms with not knowing, it makes this even more isolating.

All that you've said so eloquently resonates with me although I feel now like I've come out the other side, not to full recovery (I'm not certain that's possible), but to a place where I'm not struggling constantly between knowing and not knowing as you put it so well. It hurts when our walls start to come down but what we may not realize is that as they crack and crumble they begin to let in fresh air, sunlight and a sense of freedom and worth alongside the grief and anger. We also gain more of a sense of control and strength to manage this horrible injury we suffered. It takes time though and most of us find we have to deal with the trauma bit by bit or it overwhelms us.  And as NK suggests there are some walls that may never come down, memories that may never surface but that is as she says a protective thing we do for ourselves if something is just too much.

Hopefully being here will help you.

[Dalloway]

Asdis, I can very much relate to your words. It´s not easy to untangle the web and I know from my own experience that it can feel very hopeless sometimes. It´s so frustrating for me that I don´t have the exact memories, just the emotions and the reactions to things, as you mentioned. Especially when there´s no one you could ask these things because it´s a taboo and asking would lead to being accused of blaming someone, as in my case. I´m trying very hard and oftentimes I feel like my head is going to explode from so much thinking, but I´m starting to realize it´s not the way I can recollect those memories. I don´t have the answers myself, but I hope that you´ll find yours eventually. 

[asdis]

thank you everyone who responded. we're still struggling with it but we were able to pinpoint that a pain flare coupled with a "new" flashback exacerbated the denial. we've been trying some internal work of looking for who might be driving the denial and it seems to have leveled things out a bit.  hugs for those who like them, we're sorry you guys relate.