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I could just say, they don't always behave in safe ways so it's better to have a stronger boundary with more distance.

Iirc that's the type of thing they suggest on OOTF.

Yay for you for putting your kids into therapy so they could learn what you didn't think you could impart to them about boundaries! Hats off to you for that!

I don't have children of my own but I do have a godson, not a blood relation. He's nearly 16. He comes to stay with me for a couple of days once or twice a year. Of course my position is not comparable to a parent bringing children up and my FOO is not his FOO so there's no wondering on my part whether he needs to know anything. The one thing tho that has been important for me to stress to him is that none of it (me being unduly stressed out and or triggered, being unprepared for his visits,  being disorganised and chaotic and often not managing to function on an adult level e.g. with cooking etc) none of it has anything to do with him! That's so much more than my parents and quite possibly yours managed to convey!

I think if you stress that kind of thing, which you've probably done already implicitly or explicitly, your children are less likely to feel they have to take care of you. I grew up learning implicitly that I had to take care of everybody else's feelings both within FOO and outside FOO which entailed not being able to say "No" or set any boundaries at all (yikes!) in case I hurt somebody's feelings. FOO never said that's how I had to act but it was implicit particularly because things weren't spoken (and because FOO is dysfunctional). I hope you understand where I'm going with that.

Welcome Hannah Glad you found us and have started writing about your experiences. Tho pleased to hear you've been reading too because there is a lot of worthwhile information to be gleaned from multiple posts.

  A warm welcome to the forum Ray! Sorry you need us but since that's the case I'm glad you found us.

The forum is generally very supportive and altogether our posts do provide hope for at least living better / easier / less triggered with cptsd. There are in fact members who rarely write on the forum anymore because they're pretty much healed tho they probably still get emotional flashbacks, but are better able to deal with them.

There are also a fair number of members, myself included, who were in healing for years before finding the forum and are aged 50+.

I'm sorry you're in a bad place rn feeling the pain of FOO (family of origin) betrayal and non-support just when you're at your lowest and most in need of support. There's a fair amount of LC and NC versus FOO on the forum, I'm VLC with the whole extended family. I do understand and others will too.

There's more I'm thinking in reaction to your post but don't have the bandwith to write down. I hope to read more from you on the forum!

Hi DF, I've been reading your recent posts. They are giving me food for thought e.g. on missing / not missing FOO members. It sounds like you're processing lots. 

So if you do feel you might be happy to have some contact with the wider family going forward then it may be best to try to leave all baggage out of it and just see what these people are like now.

Thank you, I do try to give everyone a chance, until they show me that I should not. I would say the baggage was more attached to my aunt and uncle, and not my cousins, but there can be transference when people remind you of others, I do have to be aware of that effect.

Yes, I think you've got a big point here with the transference. That's one of the reasons I'm pretty wary of the whole extended family now. If you decide on more contact with some of extended family, then as we say on here: small steps, small steps, stop and feel/sense and maybe not leap right back in, which I have done in the past to my detriment.

Finally come to join you on the porch, san and everybody. I'm curled in a chair covered in warm wool blankets watching the fire and dozing off. It feels easier to sit and do nothing but here on the Porch than at home.

Ditto today tho it's possible nobody else is around. Actually I can sense some shadowy but safe forms creeping up to sit around a campfire that might have been started a day or two ago by Chart or a year or two ago by woodsgnome. It seems nobody wants to reveal themselves which is fine. And so far no interest in seasonal deco which is also fine.

This place is magic tho so it wouldn't be a problem for anybody to set up Christmassy stuff - there's plenty of space for all needs.

P.S. If you do a search for Christmas on the forum you'll find at least two threads on the topic where people have added posts this year. Maybe some old threads too, which might help  idk. Then there's the Healing Porch threads, an imaginary space where some forum members undoubtedly spend Christmas.

This will be my 3rd Christmas in a row with no family. It isn't safe for me to be around them and I'm very grateful for my life now, but it's still hard to get through this time of year with no family or partner. Any advice from folks who have gone through the same thing?

 
I could have gone to a celebration for people who would otherwise have been on their own. I've often been before but I'm finding it more and more difficult to leave the house. It's not the first year I've left Christmas out. The other time I did regret it afterwards.

I wonder how you're feeling now GettingThere? It's good to not spend Christmas with family if that doesn't do us any good. Or if it does more harm than good.

  

Life is too short to stay in an abusive relationship. What a comeback!  I love it. I can't imagine it would occur to me to say in the moment.

Thinking of you while you work thru what all this really means to and for you.

Christmas is celebrated here on Christmas Eve and although I did have somewhere to go for which I was registered and everything, I did not in the end go. Haven't decorated or even cleaned and tidied tbh. Or showered and washed hair, which is the big impediment to going anywhere. Tho I told a few people I'd go to the church service where my old choir is singing  - Xmas Day evening so it would be good if I did that at least.

 

Sorry for the disorientation Chart!

Me too, thanks Edna. I'm just struggling with aloneness.
I've actually been invited to several "neutral" holiday events, but I just can't muster the energy. The doom and gloom is not all-encompassing, rather it lingers incessantly just below the surface. I basically want to do nothing, which is what I'm pretty much doing. I'll start moving myself a bit more as my kids come on Saturday. Now is just little efforts at preparation. But it's hard. My T is being supportive, staying in contact by text and letting me know she's there if I need. That helps. The Forum too. Thanks!
 

Pretty much me this year, except I don't have my own kids to prepare for.

I am also bumping this thread for anybody having trouble round Christmas/ New Year's.

I think I'm being a lousy friend irl atm so it's no wonder no one is reaching out.

If anybody is struggling in the next days e.g. with depression and loneliness, it's fine to reach out here.

Helpful or self-harm?

Writing it out could be helpful for others but harmful for you. I've written bits of my story over the years, including for the OOTS book that is coming out sometime. I recall that threw me for a loop and iirc what I wrote was only a tiny bit of what happened.

I don't know that writing it all down will put it to rest. I mean, you're still going to be triggered sometimes aren't you? Especially since traumatic memories aren't linear or all verbal. I've found telling or writing bits where I will experience validation e.g. in therapy or on here is best. Just my experience  might be different for you of course.

Relational therapy is a psychotherapy approach focusing on how relationships, both past and present, deeply influence emotional well-being, aiming to build healthier, more satisfying connections by exploring relational patterns, fostering vulnerability, and using the therapeutic relationship itself as a tool for healing wounds and developing trust, boundaries, and deeper self-understanding. It's helpful for anxiety, insecurity, trauma, or relationship distress, teaching individuals to recognize unhealthy patterns and form more fulfilling bonds with themselves and others.

I would add to that - try and make sure you get a trauma-informed or better yet trauma-trained therapist in relational therapy! I've been in a lot of relational therapy and when therapists were not trauma-trained especially like 20 years ago, they and I would invariably get stuck at some point and some would blame me for "not wanting to get better" or say I was "therapy resistant". Neither were true, it's just that my case was too complex, too difficult for them.

I do a lot of imagination work and inner child work. Basically, my best therapists have tried out various approaches and then mixed-and-matched with me, so don't necessarily stick with one type all the time. Or they can improvise and adapt if necessary. Or sometimes a type of therapy can help for a while and then I need something else. For a long time, EFT (emotional freedom tapping) was very helpful. My trauma T of the time learnt it for me, practised it with me till I could do it on my own.

On the forum, I find these kinds of threads useful https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=49.0  choose any that appeal to you from the sticky-ied topics. If none appeal, ignore.

I've been very much helped by this forum. I write a lot and read a lot, it's a safe space for me. I get a lot of validation here, especially when I'm struggling and not noticing that I'm moving forwards or not noticing I do need a break.

Freeze is one of my big reactions too. If you dissociate a lot, you might be on the OSDD-DID spectrum, i.e. have some form of dissociative disorder, which a number of us on here have. See https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15563.msg136240#msg136240 or https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16874.msg154836#msg154836 (here Janina Fisher's book about Healing Fragmented Selves is mentioned, a number of people on here have been helped with that and one day I may get round to it too) and https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16374.0 - a general discussion thread of OSDD etc. If I've linked too many threads, and it's overwhelming, just ignore! It's not always the right time for any particular information.

And of course, welcome to the forum noraw