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Quite a bit of motivation today for housework and even yardwork but not going to manage it all. Still, I've done a bit of tidying in odd small places and finally loaded the dishwasher and put it on. Loaded it with saucepans and other things I normally do by hand. I've worked on dishwasher in OT so I'm realising today that it's not so surprising I was feeling blocked and couldn't set it in motion. But now I have.

I'm going to a friend's to play board games in an hour and then going straight to the bus stop to head to the farm, so have to get organised for both of those now. I'm happy I have the wherewithal to do both today in addition to what's already done because there are days when it's hard to do the absolute basics like get up and take my meds.

'well, you did this and that so you *should* be able to do that and this, i know there's really no connection there.  just cuz we manage one thing doesn't mean we have the will, energy, or mindspace to do something different. just before coming here i did my door stretches, and as i'm writing, i'm wiggling my feet.  lol!  doesn't mean i'll go out and walk today. that wish is flying away from me right now. 

Thanks for the validation, san. I know it, too. "You did this, so you should be able to do that" is coming from my ICr speaking in the voice of M. That was a very common refrain in my childhood, in fact often with "obviously" thrown in, so "You did this, so obviously you can do the other."

I really don't know what the difference was between today and yesterday, but today I got up in the morning, before 10AM in fact and finally, finally had a shower and washed my hair. That's been on the to do list for about 3 weeks. Then I went down into the town centre in the warm sunshine and did some shopping especially at the farmer's market. I always see people I know to say 'hello' to or exchange a few words with when I'm in the town centre on Saturday morning, which is good for ending my isolation. I also stuck a load of washing in the machine before I went out, which was also very overdue. Need to finish hanging it up.

I did have more jobs planned, but this still was a real step up from yesterday and I feel much better for having managed these few but big things.   

I said that actually, I had been so neglected that witnessing someone acknowledge that I existed, acknowledge that there was something that I may want or need that could bring a smile to my face, was wonderful -- I absolutely cherish that memory.

I have a memory sort of like that too, from about the same age. I would've been almost 3yo. It's always stuck with me. A Greyhound bus driver lifted me down from the bus steps onto the sidewalk. I'm not sure what I felt at the time, all I can say is: no fear, no pain, no sadness. Maybe a little happiness? I think it was something about the fact that he lifted me down without me having to ask or plainly state I needed help. That wasn't actually the worst phase of my life back then, but I do have memories also from a couple of years later that my parents just seemed so clueless. Me, terrified of fireworks on the ground, trying to get my dad's attention to pick me up to save me from these fireworks jumping all over the place and he just continued chatting to somebody oblivious till he finally cottoned on and picked me up out of the way of the fireworks. We'd just moved countries and fireworks were new to me.

Anyway just want to validate that I too have some good memories from way, way back, and because we moved and/or spent only particular time at our grandparents overseas, I can place these memories to a pretty exact year and even month or two. Early memories may often be traumatic, but it doesn't mean they ALL are.

Hi Whobuddy Welcome back, I do remember your name. There are a few oldies from back then still on the forum.
I don't know about autism, hope others have more to contribute.

Glad to hear your cat's doing better.

Hm. San, I don't agree with your new T's suggestion that this forum is enough for you. If that were the case you wouldn't have been looking for a T in the first place. Grr. Of course this forum and the people on it are incredibly helpful and supportive in our healing journeys, but a T can add different support. Especially face to face in-person throughout your 45 mins all centred on you. Plus as she gets to know you better I'd be hoping she can add therapeutic interventions that none of us can.

It's ok san don't worry. I'm moving my feet all the time these last days while curled up in bed, so it's nice if I'm inspiring you to similar! But unfortunately even 'must' or 'have to' are not managing to propel me out of the house this morning for my cancer screening.

This sort of reminds me that cptsd is actually an illness or at least pretty debilitating and statements towards myself like "you did your duolingo this morning and yesterday so obviously you can get on the bus and go to the cancer screening today" don't always pan out even though they 'should'. Should simply does not work for me anymore. Full stop.

Moving back to my Member Journal for a bit.

as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me.

I'm happy for you san, but that's not quite what I meant!!

There's somebody particular I want and need to communicate with for my own peace of mind, to get something off my chest, and not doing that seems to be holding me back from doing all sorts of other things. I know the kind of thing, it's not the first time - not expressing my anger TO her is recreating a repetitive situation from my childhood, that is not confronting because the-powers-that-be (FOO) don't allow it and in this case it's somewhat similar - somebody putting herself above me combined with making it clear she doesn't want me to get back to her but *I* want to. Even if she doesn't read it, I want it on paper (email actually) and sent. I know some people wouldn't write in my shoes, but I intend to. I don't like feeling forced to sweep stuff under the rug, nor do I like people with far less idea of mental health telling me what is bad for mine etc etc. And me not expressing my anger has me in depression.

Anyway I didn't get on with it March 5th either and it is now early morning of the 6th. However, I did do a few smaller tasks, tho nothing I listed in bold in my post above. I did do some tapping from the EFT summit and I sent OT a few photos of a household appliance at the farm I'm having a lot of trouble with. OT thinks he can find something similar for me to practise on and for my blockages to come up for me to do my inner child work on. So at least I put something in motion for next week or the week after in OT, which is being responsible for myself. Tomorrow (or rather today but I will be going to bed in between) I have a cancer screening, so I have to get up in the morning and go off for the that. I didn't arrange it, we get letters here every 2 years saying: This is your appt, if you can't make it, contact us. It would be a bit late to turn down today. Anyway, I don't have a conflicting appointment, so need to leave the house and get there...

[(1) It's communicating with somebody]

Activating myself is difficult when I don't feel any intrinsic motivation.

I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.

It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.

And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.

Also that you were given that advice by the inpatient trauma place. Did you find it helpful? It strikes me as well-meaning but potentially challenging unless it was accompanied with sensible and potentially actionable suggestions of how you might go about doing that.

Yes, it was helpful at the time, not overwhelming, because I had quite a lot of acquaintances and groups of people I knew where I was welcome to go and did go quite a lot. So at the time it was about focussing more on these people and really learning maybe that I do live in this foreign country and it's OK to make it my home, and of course focussing less on FOO in my mind. I didn't really need actionable suggestions from the inpatient place.

1) The sun was shining today. I could feel its warmth through the window onto my bare feet

2) I finally phoned a vague friend to ask if she'd like to join another friend and me for a board game afternoon on Sunday. She would like to very much. 

3) I watched and tapped along with one thing from the 10 day tapping event today and discovered that the one step I could take atm to getting myself out of my state of Collapse would be to finally write to ex-friend C to a) give her a piece of my mind and b) try for some form of resolution. Useful information for me.

[TheBigBlue]

I felt like my childhood was a mess but maybe didn't qualify "enough" because

Please know that this belief comes up so often on this forum! So many of us (me included) come on this forum believing that what happened to me wasn't all that bad, it wasn't as bad as everybody else's, it doesn't really count because... etc etc.  Even with CSA and or physical abuse in childhood, we can feel they don't count either because... There's always some reason. I'd say the gaslighting from FOO made me question everything that I feel and believe, but also therapists used to have rules about what counted or not, like abuse by a sibling didn't count if they were less than 5 years older than you. Fortunately the therapists I've had in the last 10 years or so have a much more nuanced view to what I was hearing 20-30 years ago. But the stuff from FOO and from friends (ex-friends) and from therapists 20-30 years ago can still feel rather ingrained... When things are bad or we're triggered or both, this sort of stuff rears its ugly head again. But of course as TheBigBlue says 'if you have the symptoms of cptsd, then it was that bad'. Don't hesitate to ask for confirmation on the forum again, if you're wondering once again if yours was bad enough. It was. And it can help to hear it again.

iirc in this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuKHO0vHEa0 which was linked very recently by Kizzie, Dr. Smart said something like EMDR is a really good method for dealing with trauma we don't remember/ pre-verbal. Something like that. In my case certainly, there's a lot of pre-verbal even to the emotional trauma. Might be interesting for you to watch.

Wow, PapaCoco! 

Any people who can relate? :-) Im really struggling finding community...

I didn't respond because my posts are already on those other threads you've seen. I don't always want to have to rewrite. Tho of course I understand wanting to find community and I've found it here as regards cptsd and what is probably osdd.

Thanks for posting! Useful presentation.