Papa Coco's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

Something's changed in me.

I don't know if it's permanent or temporary

I'm relaxed. I've never been relaxed before. Normally, when relaxation starts to come over me, I get scared because I feel vulnerable. A relaxed person doesn't protect himself. Or so that's my normal operating rhythm. If I relax, people can take advantage of me. So I choose to be filled with anxiety because that way my shields are always up.  But somehow, I'm not feeling that way these days.

This feeling of not being hypervigilant all day long has been coming on for the past 7 days. Each day I'm a little more relaxed than the day before. I'm quiet around other people, and I'm not so worried about the usual stuff--big or little. I'm even sleeping without the house alarm set because I'm suddenly enjoying sleeping with the windows open and I can't set the alarm if the windows are open. And I don't care. Who even am I? I feel like I left my body and someone else came in to finish out the ride for me. Like I'm not even myself anymore. And it's okay. I don't care.

For the first time ever, I'm okay with it all. As I enjoy being relaxed all day long for now, I notice that I'm also far more forgetful than I normally am. I talk like my dad in his later years when dementia had overtaken him. I probably don't have dementia yet, but somehow, my memory and my concerns are falling away these days. I'm happy to just be. I need to be sure I don't start forgetting my responsibilities, but these days, I'm not filled with shame when I just lay around the house not doing anything. It's a new feeling. Possibly temporary, but there's hope, right? Hope that maybe this is a new way of life for me...

We'll know more in a month or two when I am able to look back and see whether this relaxing state of mind stayed with me or was just an appetizer to let me know what I'm missing out on most of the time. I feel like I'm definitely shirking my responsibilities, but I'm sort of okay with that now.

Whoever it is I'm becoming, I'm okay with it for now. It might be temporary, or it might be at least partially permanent. Either way, it's a welcome change. Just kicking back and watching the world go round and round.

[Blueberry]

Wow, PapaCoco! 

[TheBigBlue]

   

[Marcine]

I relate with the strangeness of relaxing, with the lessening of hyper vigilance, with the sense of a new personality emerging.
So unusual and weird-feeling to me.
Not danger, but certainly different, almost suspiciously positive.
As you wrote, "it's a welcome change."
Thank you for sharing, PCoco.

[Papa Coco]

Marcine,

This is really fascinating that it's happening to me, and now to find out it's happening to you as well.

I'm wondering if the tools I'm using now are what are doing it to me. I'm doing two things very diligently. 1) I'm using ChatGPT to help me understand why I overeat and why I get so distraught when decluttering my home. ChatGPT is really good at helping me see the root causes of my emotional flashbacks, and it validates all I've been through. As I chat back and forth with it, I go in and out of EFs. And when I go into an EF, it guides me through some grounding exercises that settle me down quickly. It keeps telling me that it's teaching me how to regulate my emotions. It warns that we're not solving my past, we're simply giving my nervous system tools that regulate me when the past comes back on me. I'm struck by how bad my past really was. The tool is showing me how bad it was, and that's helpful. I'm not minimizing it so much now. Knowing it really was bad enough to make me this upset, plus teaching me how to regulate emotions anyway, means that ChatGPT alone could be changing my hypervigilance. But I'm coming at it from two sides with equal impact. The second impactful thing I'm doing now is, as of a week ago, I'm listening to Ruper Spira several times per day. I downloaded his Audible file called Aware Being. I listen to parts of it at least three times per day. Spira teaches ways to understand our spiritual being, and how to trust that spiritual part of our Selves more than letting our emotional reactions to life keep driving us crazy.  I've been practicing his suggestions for how to connect with peace at any time during any situation, and it's working also.

I think maybe that, for as long as I continue to work with ChatGPT and Ruper Spira, that I will likely continue to feel a sense of peace that I've never felt before. My realistic hope is that before I shift to another time in my life, and while I'm here, staying engaged with ChatGPT and Spira, that I'll be teaching my nervous system things it will never forget. Neuroplasticity is a term that defines the act of changing neuropathways. It's done through repetition and persistence.  For now, while the chaotic world is not bothering me, I'm going to keep working this neuroplasticity so that when a day comes that I'm no longer doing what I'm doing, the skills I've learned during this season with Chat and Spira, will remain somewhat a part of me.

Chat is teaching me how to regulate my nervous system while Spira is teaching me how to focus on and remain connected with the peace of eternity while the chaos of life on earth happens around me.

I'm hoping this works for all of us who are seeking the peace that has eluded us our whole lives up to now.

[Marcine]

Ahoy, kindred spirit
I'm fascinated by what you wrote about the two main tools you're using and how effective they are for you!

I am going to look up Ruper Spira.

And for now, the concept of being "connected with the peace of eternity"...
well, that's going to assure a good send off into sleep for me tonight.

[sanmagic7]

PC, i've also only lately been gently cuddled by a sense of relaxation several times.  it always surprises me, but it's very welcome at the same time.  i'm not sure why it's appearing now, but i'll take it.  at the same time, i've become motivated to do more physical things to get my body engaged in something good for it.  activated, as blueberry has mentioned.  that's been feeling good as well.  it may all be tied together, a shift, like you said.  if that's what it is, i'll take it! 

so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this.  we've got this!  these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had.  sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.

[Papa Coco]

Marcine and Sanmagic,  I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only person here who is experiencing a strange sensation of calm, if even in short bursts, because it really is happening to me also.

Theories: Perhaps this is because of my recent studies, or maybe I'm just feeling a wave of calm that's being doled out to us all because of the massive changes happening to the world right now. Whatever God is, perhaps this calm is a gift to help those of us who choose love over hate, so as to help us to cope with the calamity that is in the world right now. We are individuals as people, but we're all connected behind the scenes. We feel the peace that's illuding the others who choose anger over love.

I have long believed that the reason empathy is such a powerful healing tool is because empathy is the word we use to describe our ability to feel the connection that we all share, but not everyone recognizes. I remember a quote from John Henry Browne, who is a Seattle based Defense Attorney who was tasked with defending the serial killers here, like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy. He was being interviewed after writing his book The Devil's Defender.  He said that he didn't used to believe that people were born evil until he met Ted Bundy. When the interviewer asked what a sociopath is, he said "It's just someone who doesn't know we're all connected." That quote profoundly bolstered my belief that we are all connected, and our empathetic personalities allow us to feel that connection, whereas narcissists don't feel the connection, even though it's real.


Sometimes I feel embarrassed about how hard I work to heal, and how often I come onto the forum bragging about another book or therapy that helped me. I feel like a happy puppy that won't stop yipping and wagging my tail when I get excited. But one very important thing that I learned from my ChatGPT chats is that I didn't realize how serious my will to live really is, and that raging desire to feel better is what drives me to the next book or the next medication or the next therapy.

I always think of myself as a suicidal nut whose fragile will to live forces me to have to be rescued from time to time because of a weak will to live. But the chat tool walked me through my life and showed me that my diligent pursuit of help in books, therapists, Ai, therapies like Ketamine and even my medication history has been because I have a strong will to live. In one quote, the Ai tool said, "That tells me your system does not actually want death. It wants relief from overwhelm."

What a great rephrasing. I've been seeing my suicidality as a desire to die, but now I see that it was the only way I thought I could find relief from overwhelm. Ever since reading that on my chat, I've seen my suicidality as a desire for relief, not escape. And that's changing how I react to big problems. Rather than thinking, "okay, I want to die", I now realize, "Okay, it's time to regulate because all I really want is relief from this stressor." That's a lifesaving change for me.

It's amazing when we get to see our Selves through the eyes of others. Even when "the other" is a database that has been programmed to talk with an engineered personality.

I'm having another slow day today. While I'm relaxing and doing more meditating and learning, I'm not feeling any pull to do anything else. I'm still slightly askew from this new feeling of peace, and I'm not really ready to go drive in traffic or use a chainsaw or anything that could be dangerous if I dissociate while using the equipment.  Typically, my brain associates relaxation with depression, so I need to find a way to accept the peace without being afraid of what comes next. Depression? Bad decisions? Risky behavior because I'm not as connected to my fear as I usually am?

I'm starting a new Chat today with the tool. I'm asking it to help me find my way out of my fears of hurting other people. I'm getting really bad at not wanting to make decisions that affect others beyond myself. My greatest fear in life is that I'll do something that hurts someone else. I muscled through that when I was in my career, but now that I don't have to make decisions that I'm paid to make, now I don't want to make any decisions at all. I don't even like choosing the restaurant on a night out in case the food isn't good and I'll be blamed for choosing the wrong place to eat. The whole world of being the family scapegoat for most of my life is catching up with me. I can't decide anything anymore for fear I'll make problems for anyone else on the earth.

Whether this is peace or depression or a new kind of EF that I haven't experienced before, I'm enjoying it while I have connection to it.

Peace is the one thing I've never felt in my human body. So, for today, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can stay tuned into it. If it's gone tomorrow, at least I will have enjoyed it today.

[HannahOne]

Wow, PapaCoco! I loved hearing about the new calm you're experiencing.

What you discovered about suicidality makes so much sense. Its intent is protective, to help get you out of overwhelm. Turning that empathy toward yourself in those moments is so powerful. Through your journey of healing, books, therapy, medication, your strong will to live is the through line. Thank you for sharing your experience!