Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

21 March 2024

Lots of older sh-te coming up.  Weird mix of time frames, some from way back - some from more recent.  It appears that the thread that connects is the emotional content.   Makes sense to me anyway.  Patterns that were set in motion back when I was a wee one, and culminated with the former spouse.   

I feel off kilter as well as I am attempting to find my bearings in the society that I find myself becoming aware of.  Like what the h-ll? 

Honestly, it's really freaking scary.  This feeling of being off kilter is a driver for my desire to go live in a area that isn't as "developed"? Maybe it's the attempt to find an area that is more like the society that I remember from when I was growing up? 

Need to go. 

Wishing all here all the best.   

[StartingHealing]

22 March 2024

Strange how a something can boost my mood.  I'm a member of several pen pal groups and yesterday I received a letter from a new pen pal yesterday.  It's amazing to me how much squiggles on a piece of paper can convey so much.  Then when I consider the time factor involved with writing something by hand, postage, the time it took to travel half way round the globe, it's a fricken commitment!  I have found much enjoyment in sending and receiving handwritten and / or manually typed letters domestically and internationally.  The feedback from others has been very positive.  I realize that they have their own lives and that being a pen pal is an "add on" so there is always the possibility that "life happens" with myself or them.  I have started a filing cabinet with file folders to store the letters that I have received. 

I've come to realize that many of us are seeking connection with another.  The window dressings are different, different language, different cultures, different foods, and yet to me at this moment, there is a need for some sort of beneficial connection with another member of our species.  It makes me question if all this digital sh-te is really bringing people 'together' as the social media has claimed or if all the digital crapola has pushed us humans farther apart?  Allowing those humans that are toxic more "room" to use and abuse those who are not toxic? 

More 'old' junk has been coming up as well.  Even with using reiki on myself (I have been attuned) it seems that the old crap definitely is making it's self known on the way out. I've been doing a new approach to when the little green f-ers in my mind brings up the past is to notice the memory, bless it, and then state aloud, "OK, now get out of my head.  That was then this is now.  I carry the lessons forward."  It seems to be beneficial.  One thing that I have noticed is the memories that come from the sense of smell are powerful.  In my area there are plant species that are in bloom and while not all memories brought up are of a negative nature, many are. 

I had a chiropractic appointment today.  Mercy what a ordeal. The muscles were used to having them bones in a certain position and with the adjustment they are definitely letting me know of their displeasure.  I wonder how us humans did without chiropractic?  Perhaps that is the impetus in Asia for the walking on the back and various massage techniques.  Considering that modern humans were around since 250-300K years ago, something happened as far as civilization and the healing arts. 

I am currently feeling like I could sleep.  I will eat and see if that is the problem, yet I do not feel the typical messages of hunger.  If that doesn't alleviate my sleepy, I do believe that I will hit the rack.   

Wishing all here all the best

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
It's lovely that you received such a nice letter yesterday from your pen-pal. 

I hope that your muscles readjust to the new allignments of your body, after your chiropractic appointment.  I hope you enjoy some restful sleep as well - if indeed you have hit the rack.

I found it interesting to read what you wrote about hand-written letters.  I have found that I process more if I hand-write something, than if I type it.  Hence I do use hand-written notes and writings to complement things I write digitally.

Wishing you the best,
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

3-26-2024
Thank you Hope. 

unsurprisingly the pen pal letters are a very large bright spot in my daily experience at the moment.  The time commitment, the thought, man, what gifts. 

Going through another round of shi-e removal.  Emotions are running high, perhaps due to the full moon?  Or I am ready to release another pile of garbage?  Or "D" all the above? Certain snippets of a song, a turn of phrase unintentionally overheard, a smell, déjà vu instances, and all of that starts the memories that want to leak out of my eyes or memories that stirs anger within.  I have been asking the Universe for justice.  Not that I am wishing the former spouse any harm, yet karma?  What goes around comes around? Those rules of thumb are there for a reason right?

Sigh, I will muddle through this somehow. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

[StartingHealing]

29 march 2024

Back is tender, again.  The pain does .. let's just say I would rather not have it.  Complaining applies energy to that area making it larger in my limited searchlight of consciousness. 

Another round of stuff, uncovered another layer of anger, pissed off-ness, more hurt.  More sh-te that doesn't make any damn sense to me.  Been getting a few to many calories of late and I can feel it in my body.  Trying to reconcile the "out there" and the "in here" which I know is in many ways a false dichotomy since the body is surprisingly porous.  I'm also attempting to reconcile the status quo of the society I find myself subject to and wondering how things got so messed up so fast. 

I don't know if I should be happy or concerned about the aspect that I have re-discovered where if I can truly become fully engaged, in a state of flow?  My sense of time goes off line.  Entirely.  So far it hasn't created any issues.  It does get disconcerting though when I sit for a task and when I look at a clock I'm surprised at how much time actually passed.  Unfortunately, in this realm time is of importance.   

I know that I have been using sweets as a means to not deal with the emotional turmoil.  Since the other commonly available substances have a much faster and more severe price to pay.  In the time frame of the former marriage my weight had fluctuated considerably.  At one point I was within spitting distance to the weight I was when I graduated high school.  IDK I used to "know" when I needed to eat, and how much... d-mn it that went somewhere.  I also had the ability to keep chunking away at something and not require eating until the task was done. 

Anyway, other "stuff" has come up.  I need to provide official documentation to the company I have contracted with for microchip for my doggo, proving that indeed I am officially single again.  Like It's public knowledge so that isn't a concern it's the whole thing that none of this information was available on their website. 

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

1 April 2024

Interesting weekend.  Had a nice convo with my mentor.  Love how she can cut through the BS and give it to me straight.  I know that eventually she won't be there, physically that is. Seems that I'm caught twixt two different spheres, two different realms.  The physical and the spirit.  Seems to me that there is a feeling of seeking that place that I started from and that I had be detoured into somewhere else and all my experience has been repeated attempts to return to where I started that was the mix / blending / the place where here and there co-existed seamlessly in my experience.  something innate, to use an analogy, mayhap akin to the migration of birds.  As I face another day within this realm, still I seek that path to where I started. 

[StartingHealing]

April 9 2024

F--k.  The onion peeled off a few more layers.  The little green f--kers {tapes of other peoples voices} in my head have also been more active of late.  Ghosts of memory past, are also more active of late. Plus the first hinge point in my mid back is also talking at me again.  I know that I'm grinding through some emotional stuff because my sweet tooth has fired up as well.  At least my lower back isn't.  Dam- Anyway, school work is calling.  Ugh this class is dry..

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I'm blown away by the synchronicity of the beautiful souls on this forum. We seem to travel the same moods and issues at the same time.

I live where soul meets body. Both are real to me. Like an actor and a character. Same person. My eternal self and my temporary physical identity are existing simultaneously. Both are real. One does not negate the other. Every minute of every hour of every day I have a choice which "me" I choose to focus on. And on many days that choice isn't easy to make. Physical life can be very noisy which makes it damm near impossible to focus on spiritual values. The bills need to be paid. The attacks are happening. I can't just ignore my physical self. As much as I want to...it doesn't seem possible on most days.

Today is another one of those days. I am having what I call a period of melancholy. In centuries past, PTSD was called "Melancholy Disorder."  I see melancholy as an unhealthy connection to the past. I am currently being tortured by the voices of my past. It comes on me often during early Spring. This year is no exception.

I wish I knew how to help you, but I can't even help myself out of it. The best thing I have going for me is that I've finally learned this is a temporary condition that comes on my like bad weather. It stays until it's done with me and then it just...goes away.

I guess the reason I'm telling you this is from my belief that we are stronger when we share experiences. My motto in life is "We're stronger together." I feel so much the same as how you've described your mood today. I feel stronger when I feel like I'm not alone in my experience. I hope my sharing helps others in the same way.

All day long right now I feel like I'm on a sinking ship and I wonder why I would bother to make the beds, fluff the pillows and wash the windows while the ship is sinking. I have no motivation. I am fighting off the voices of my dad and my narcissistic siblings, whom I have not been in contact with since 2010.

I'm sorry you're going through this also. It hurts. But it helps me to know that I'm not alone in this feeling. I hope that somehow, my being in the lifeboat with you brings some sense of peace in return.  We're stronger together.

[StartingHealing]

April 10 2024

PC, I feel you.  I've been circling the "why do X" in the physical.  I've been through situations that honestly have killed others.  Sometimes I wonder about the why behind that. from being adopted to having a 1969 Buick Electra fall on me plus other events, and somehow I've always have come back from the event. 

Maybe part of it is that I realize that physically I'm on the back nine as it were.  I realized long ago that this realm isn't "fair" as far as what humans go through.  Which is fine.  It's a property of this agreed on shared experience.  For me would be nice to see karma happen a wee bit faster or being able to see "justice" on those who have f-ed me over.  I know that with some folks it was that they were doing the best they could at the time, yet I wonder about those who dam- well knew that they were f-ing me (in not a good way ) still have anger, hurt, sad, grief, the typical emotions from negative events.  I realize that what I have been through has made me into the person that I currently am, and as such I can't hold the events in a totally bad light.  Still sucks big green donkey d-cks though.  I guess I'm also working through a lot of the toxic positivity that I have picked up from current widely held spiritual memes. 

since my sweet tooth fired off in response to the emotional maelstrom I'm currently in, ye olde waist has been expanding. sigh.  Milk chocolate covered cashews are my go to at the moment.  Cashews help with mood and so does chocolate.  Not totally empty calories.  Sigh.

Part of what I'm dealing with is what is a "good" man?  As I've looked at what I absorbed growing up it seems to me that it is way to MF-ing sacrificial. Add in that for the majority of my life, I was in {service} to others while denying self the same consideration. Is that actually what a "good" man does?  Part of it is also that growing up, physical needs were not a issue, the emotional aspects were not given the same level of importance which is some what understandable since emotions are like the weather.  You know, the times that I felt safe, loved, and accepted was when I was with adoptive father.  He was my person when I was growing up.  he earned the title of "Dad" he was also my best friend, confidant, and the only adult that never lied to me.  If he didn't know something he would say so and then ask me to tell him when I had found something out.  the rest of the adults? ... not so much.  I could count on him to do whatever it took to protect me, I was his kid. Full Stop. In a situation like that, no f-s given, no consideration to laws, rules or regulations.  Oh yeah, he was a bad a-s. Former Marine, farmer strength, when he passed from this realm, I was alone against everything and everyone else.  H-ll of a place to be in when your 13-14. 

PC, I know that the current crapola will dissipate eventually.  It's my human wanting to have it all hurry the F up and get fixed is all.  For all things there is a season.

Anyhoo, for me I keep doing the things like laundry, walking my doggo, cleaning the house, because in a way it's showing that the sun will rise tomorrow, and it helps my emotional state.

Wishing all here all the best.

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

Your stories about your awesome dad warm my heart, but then losing him at age 13 breaks my heart.

It sounds like you and I have some similar beliefs as far as our spirit and physical lives.

I personally believe that the only true purpose we have as we live as physical beings, is to find our way back to God by evolving from being narcisstic cavemen to one day becoming awakened beings of light. That being said, I believe that pain and misery are part of our physical world to keep motivating us to let go of the narcissistic world and embrace the spiritual world instead.

HOWEVER: I can't stop thinking that there is just WAYYYYY too much pain on the earth. And when people say that stupid phrase: "God will never give us more than we can handle" I respond with, "tell that to the millions of people who've killed themselves over the centuries."

I truly struggle with keeping my head up because I can't see the beauty without knowing that it's sitting in pain. I use the 80/20 rule a lot. In this case, I see, and have always seen, that life is 20% joy and 80% pain. No matter how happy I am, I'm always aware that the other shoe is about to drop.

My T and I talked about this just yesterday. He is a well-trained Parts Work therapist, and he says this is not my core self who is demotivated and depressed. He says it's one of my parts. A big one. Maybe the biggest one. And he experienced the world with me as a boy who was only rewarded for being what others wanted me to be, and who was given good things only when they were bait for an inevitable betrayal.

We didn't have enough time to truly work through this sad boy part, but my therapist's suggestion is enough to make me think about it.

Meanwhile I continue to read and write on the forum so that I can feel like, at least I'm not the only person who feels this way. Being connected with others that understand...priceless.

[StartingHealing]

PC, been a minute since I wrote anything here.  I do feel ya, I'm still mulling over the whole "parts" thing as presented by IFS.  I admit that there are, I'll call them snapshots like what a computer does with the OS.  Being in survival mode since was a wee fella, sh-t that is normal.  Unless it was my Dad, the rest couldn't count on much.  Was kinda hit or miss. 

I think that what I'm currently going through is the grief from not having genetic mother around has gotten attached to the grief from my Dad not being here in the physical.  I know that he's around in spirit which means to me that he is closer to me now than he could ever be in the physical.  Still hurts though. I also reckon that the grief of the what might have beens, what should have beens, around the former spouse. I recognize that there was no way at all, I mean she didn't have it in her, no matter how it was sliced, to be the partner / spouse that she verbally presented herself to me to be.  I bought the lie, swallowed the fantasy in it's entirety which I'm torn on.  Sometimes there is anger towards her, sometimes anger at myself for ignoring the vibes I was getting off her, then again, the pattern that was laid down growing up with the adoptive mother was similar.  Ignore the actions and accept the beautiful lies presented by the verbiage.  Looking back, as objectively as I can from this point, all the major relationships I've had with gals have followed the same pattern.  I reckon that without conscious knowing I was attempting to prove that I was / am worthy enough for respect, kindness, dare I say, love. To be chosen, you know? Which is a sure fire way to go through some not good stuff when it inevitably went to h-ll in a hand-basket. 

At the moment, my eyes are very leaky. chuckle.  While I would like to indulge in that a bit more today, I need to make up time in school work.  Usually at work I could structure my day to not only get all work related tasks done but also to get time for my studies.  This week, was not able to do that.  This weekend is going to be heavy school work.  My current class concerns the programming language Python and I really really need to "get" it.  Not only for future job related stuff but also for personal use.  Sh-t fire and save matches, if I can come up with a 'script' that can automate tasks I'm looking at doing at home?  Parsing data, removing duplicate items, images, etc and having the duplicates moved into a singular folder where I can then decide to delete or ?  I am encroaching on 4 terabytes of stored data.  Quite a lot is duplicates.  As an example. Instead of attaching images to a email from the main repository, the former spouse would create a folder to copy the images into, to then attach the copies to a email.  Or there are folders within folders within folders that contain the same data.  yeah.

Time to eat, take my stack of supplements, and then school work.

Wishing all here all the best
 

[Papa Coco]

StartingHealing,

I just want to say hi and that I enjoy the openness and heart in your posts. Good luck with your schooling.

I was touched by your comment that your dad is closer to you now than ever before. I know that feeling. My little sister has visited me several times during my dreams. She reassures me she's happier now than she was, and that her love for me still shines, so I'm very glad to hear that your dad is still with you also.

True love may be hard to find, but once we find it, it never really dies.

[StartingHealing]

21 April 2024

Quick thing this time.  PC, it is so very wicked cool that loved ones come back to visit.  I know he's there, it's just not the 'same' as sitting with him physically. The all that is has given me some insight I think.  I was getting some hypnotherapy and something happened and I was "bouncing" back through my lifetime to events that had the same emotional "vibe", that was the cord that connected them all together.  If that is how my wetware connects things then what I'm currently going through is my preverbal loss, grief, and so forth, that is connected to that event where my Dad exited this realm. Same emotional vibe, right?  I'm considering sleuthing out a good hypnosis person to get in there, outside the usual pathways and see about clearing some crapola out.  Maybe even get deep enough to contact that part that knows that it's part of all there is.  IDK, maybe it's my frustration with the current segment of the python class but da-n man, I'm full to the brim at the moment of not knowing a direction to head in.  Maybe it's other "stuff" as well since I know that I'm still in the recovery / healing phase.  Kinda expect that will take as long as it takes.  My tens unit has about 5 min left on it's current cycle.  Trying something new with that spot in my back to see if I can strengthen the muscle around the spine in that area to remove spinal maladjustment from why it hurts. Pinched nerves are very painful.  It's better but there are still times where mercy sakes, hands don't want to work, feels like I'm getting zapped by an ignition system running down both arms.  After the tens cycle is done, going to apply absorbine horse liniment gel.  Way better than ben-gay. and get back into attempting to savvy what having a outer loop that's running, while an inner loop is running as well and how that works. I even purchased 12 inch 90 degree pliers because I can't get my shoulders, elbows, wrists, bent around enough to apply / remove the electrode pads in that spot on my back. Guess it's the mechanic experience I have, buy or build a tool to reach where you need to. I got a back brush that I wrapped plastic wrap around the head for applying the liniment.  If I had the $ I'd mosey down to I think it's Costa Rica and get a full treatment of stem cells. The starter stem cells come from me so no worries on bio-ethics.  Turn back the biological clock 3 or 4 decades.  I like having the experience, the wisdom, the body though, needs some intensive attention.  Well basically I have ran the wheels almost off, needs a refresh chuckle.

Wishing all here all the best

[Papa Coco]

SH,

I like those TENS units. Coco and I use them on joints here and there. I use them on my knees, she uses them on her back. We also have an assortment of Infrared heating pads shaped for shoulders, legs, wrists, etc. Anything helps.

I hope you can find a good energy worker. Mine is a massage therapist who blurs the boundaries between massage and energy work. She does amazing things with my energy levels and pain levels. If I had to find another energy worker, I'd probably find a good new age bookstore to see who they recommend. Having a well-trained massage therapist doing energy work is something that seems to work well. She has intimate knowledge of bone and muscle structure AND intimate knowledge of energy flow. That's a good combination. I'm both physical and spiritual, and she is both science and spiritual. Good combination.

We just bought our very first S-Hook thing that lets us press on our pressure points on our backs without help from another person. They've been around for years, and they're cheap, but for some reason, we've only just purchased our first one. For pushing on pressure points until they release, these things are pretty helpful. You probably have one yourself, like I say, I'm way far behind the curve on this handy little device. Also, it sounds like you're dealing with some pretty serious spinal issues that an S-Hook wouldn't be enough to help with.

Schooling is grueling. I love to learn but I HATE college courses. Too many triggers that remind me of Catholic school. But I do respect how mentally and emotionally taxing schoolwork is. It's always good to learn, and it's good to have the courses done and in your repertoire, but they're hard work while in progress.

Good luck with everything. If you can find a massage therapist with energy experience, they might be a lot more affordable than a trip to South America.

PS: I did PRP injections on my knees in the spring of 2021. The cost to me was about $2k. I hobbled into the sports medicine clinic with my cane. I spent about an hour in the clinic. Then I danced out to the truck feeling embarrassed it was parked in a handicapped spot. It was appropriate to park there when I arrived, but I worried people were thinking I'd stolen the parking pass when I danced back out to leave. The results lasted about 18 months. Meanwhile, I also got some expensive orthotics in my shoes, which have given some more relief, so when my own plasma injections wore out, I wasn't as sore as I was before the injection. I'm told the injections work best the first time, and since they cost so much, I won't do any more unless the pain becomes unbearable again. PRP injections are simple. They draw a bit of blood out of me, then they spin it in a centrifuge for 21 minutes to separate red blood cells from platelets, then they inject my own platelets back into the sore parts of my knees. The results, for me, were instantaneous and miraculous. For 18 months.

The cost of the PRP injections was $2k. I had looked into Stem Cells also, but that clinic wanted $12k and two years for recovery. The decision to go with PRP instead was easy to make.

[StartingHealing]

PC,
S hook?  If you wouldn't mind please paste a link.  This is the first that I have heard about them? that? You know what I mean.

that is nuts, 2 years for recovery?  Maybe I'm missing something in my understanding on how stem cells work in the human body.  The current theory I have read is that the stem cells replace end of life cells, broken, etc. and then differentiate into that specific type of cell in like 24 - 48 hours, and one of the reasons we age is because we don't produce enough stem cells to do a complete refresh on all systems and areas at the same time. The stem cells also pass through the blood brain barrier which corrects many things in the wetware and even is beneficial with correcting blood sugar issues. With the tech that is already out, pretty soon doing your own stem cell therapy at home is going to be possible for not much $. 

Went down a nutrition rabbit hole and found out that a seaweed called Dulse has compounds in it for lots of different things. Add it to a salad, make tea, eat it straight, etc.  The studies that I found show like a 30mmg drop in blood pressure with folks that have hypertension at 5 gram intake a day.  That's h-lla significant.  Plus it contains something like 92 different trace minerals that are being shown to be important to human health.  It also reduces / removes insulin resistance, helps the probiotic in the gut, just all round good stuff.

Last couple days my noggin has been doing the spinny spin and it sucks.  I know that I'm not attention deficit, just getting to where I can focus, and once I do then it's brutal to get attention to shift to something else.  Agghhh.  Not that beneficial for schoolwork.  Also went through a period where the former spouse was once again brought into focus.  I "get" it.  She's got a thing that is f--ked in her head.  And?  Sorry, not sorry, that doesn't give her a pass on being a abusive pile o sh-t. I don't mean to sound cold but thank the gods that there was no offspring with me and her.  Her specific bloodline is dying out.  She did have 2 sons before I came along.  Her fraternal twin, he hasn't had any offspring at all.  Throw in the shifting demographics in the USA and doubtful that either one of her sons will have offspring. Morgan Stanley is forecasting that 45-50% of women in the US, from 25-45 will be single and childless by 2030. 60% of eligible men are checking out and not even trying in the dating market. Don't blame the men with how everything has been weaponized against them.  as a male in the USA right now, just saying "good morning" to a gal is dangerous. If the gal is feeling a certain type of way that has nothing to do with the guy saying "good morning" she can call SA, or harassment, and no proof needed for the local po-po to arrest, detain, and charge the guy because now if your plumbing is on the outside, you have to prove your innocence.  And no repercussions on the gal for lying.  I've thought about maybe dipping a toe back into the dating market, but nah.  Why put myself at risk? 

Anyway, need to configure my space for school work.  Wishing all here, all the best.