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I am so sorry to hear this FairySlipper, lots of  for you and your family. There is absolutely no reason to apologize but I understand why you might feel that way, unfortunately most of us probably can.

How wonderful that in the midst of this you see that your daughter is handling it fairly well My daughter has a doctor's appt tomorrow and for the most part seems to be handling this really well.......being honest with herself about her feelings when she needs to but also looking toward the future to trying again. Journaling and talking about it too. .  I see this as a sign of things going as well as they can in the face of trauma and that says something about your daughter, your parenting and your family. 

Pulling together as a family and you coming here to share are healthy responses despite having CPTSD and all that there is to deal with. You are each reacting individually in a way that validates, supports and nurtures your selves and together as a family. Now that is a great thought to hold when things feel overwhelming

Hi and welcome to Out of the Storm     It takes some of us a long time to find out we have CPTSD for precisely the reasons you mention - we were not physically or sexually abused, we didn't grow up with war or anything similarly horrific  and we end up saying we must be weak or overly sensitive or a host of other things which invalidate our experiences of what boils down to emotional abuse and neglect.  A child who grows up without the nurturing, safety and support of loving caregivers is basically a child alone in the world, left to fend for herself.  It is all traumatic to the soul, our sense of self and our place in this world.

Your F's behaviour and the bullying "fit" with CPTSD in that the trauma/abuse was ongoing and was something you could escape from as a child. Whether or not you are "officially" diagnosed is not a problem here though, many of us have not been but we have the history, the symptoms and what people say here resonates deeply so we know we are in the right place.

I do think you are in the right place     So please feel free to post more here about your situation and/or in any of the forums that seem to be relevant.  And if you would please take a moment to read through the Member Guidelines.   

Hi Again Shadow - Sorry I didn't get back here sooner but work kind of crept up on my again.  Anyway, I had a quick look for Canadian sites (since I live in the Great White North  ) and found this one, the Cdn Service Dog Foundation -  http://servicedog.ca/.  There's a good section here  -- http://servicedog.ca/programs/service-dogs -- regarding service dogs for PTSD and other disorders you might want to take a look at. If you read about the president of the foundation it sounds like she has a service dog herself for a mental health issue so she could be a good resource to help you find out more about all this. 

You're so not alone in having those feelings!   It's hard granted because PDs are so skilled at getting what they need and we're well trained to respond but we can unlearn that response as you suggest.   We just have to tune into what we're feeling and when the big old PD vacuum starts to suck us in hit the DISENGAGE button!

Welcome to OOTS Stella, so glad you found your way here 

I had a quick look through the links and thank you for sharing them, lots about self-compassion including some great exercises.

When you feel comfortable doing so please post an introduction so we can get to know you.   

I hear you!  Ihave on more than one occasion quit a job or left a group because of a PD person Fairyslipper. It's crazy how much they can get under your skin, you're so right about that    

Thanks to Out of the FOG, I get it that you can't win with PDs, they don't behave like you and I, and there is no point in trying to change them.  While I am still triggered by PD behaviour, nowadays I try to move away or let it go for precisely the reason you suggest, it is a waste of my precious time and energy.

So my advice FWIW is to decide that your time is worth much more than all the PD craziness in the world, let it go when you encounter it, and do something that is life affirming rather than a needless and pointless draining of your energy. 

There is a very common trigger that I have – milder nowadays but still a trigger.  When someone does not get back to me fairly quickly about something that might be an issue, I read the silence as dangerous. For example, I had to cancel a therapy appointment the day before I was to go.  I left two messages and sent a text to my T but did not hear back from him for about 10 days or so.  I thought he was being punitive for cancelling the day before, playing head games or whatever.  My H pointed this out and the fact that I tend to do this when confronted with this type of situation; that is, I immediately assume the worst and think I am being punished for something. Hunh.  It turned out my T had been promoted and had had to move offices from one town to another and was simply really busy and caught up with all of that. 

Anyway, I pondered away on what my H had pointed out -- and *'s bells it's no wonder I  am uncomfortable when this type of thing happens. My NPDM used the silent treatment as a punishment or to signal that some big emotional drama was about to rain down upon me. Oftentimes I did not see it coming and wham!  Other times it was because I spoke up or did something that displeased her. Either way it was a signal that the floodgates to a period of punishment (abuse) were about to open and until I was back in her good graces I would be made to suffer.  Silences have meant I cannot pay attention to my life and instead must focus on imminent danger.  So, I have absolutely dreaded this type of silence, take it personally and assume the worst because that's what happened in the past; it was about me. I could safely assume the silence meant trouble coming my way, that I would end up being awash in shame and guilt, and would need to use my resources to ride out the storm. 

These days, however, the really intense EFs aren't happening as much in this type of situation and hooray for that  . When my T didn't call back I was uneasy, but thought "Well if he is being punitive he is not the T for me" (or anyone for that matter). It wasn't about me, it was about him, and that felts great, like I stepped back and put some distance between myself and him, and that if he was unsafe I would terminate therapy.   

Checking things out here and being LC/NC with PD FOO has helped me to step back and be much more grounded.  In the space that used to be filled with PD craziness (then and now), there is more energy to see and feel things as they are, not as they were.  I am beginning to see/feel that the threat level is not as high as it was when I was a child. In the past my safety and well-being definitely depended on my being able to read the environment and when silence did signal something awful, and to work my way out from under some sentence that my M handed down. Now I am beginning to check out what I am thinking/feeling ("How can I think/feel differently about this?), and trying to see whether and how the past is overlaying the present. And wow does it ever!  Just knowing that feels like a big step forward in recovery as I seem to have gone from more intense EFs to milder ones in this type of situation.

When I feel too vulnerable or exposed Trees I "do the turtle" -- tuck in my head, arms and legs and just enjoy feeling safe in my little shell for a bit.   Take whatever time you need to feel comfortable

I think VeryFoggy's suggestion of showing your partner appreciation is a good one, but only if you actually feel that way. Otherwise, you will probably end up feeling like you're acting and won't get the validation and sense of connection you're looking for. Like Cat I had trouble getting through to my H early on until I made it clear that he needed to really listen to me.  He loves me and so he did.  Nowdays I tell him often what I appreciate about him and he  me, but we truly feel that way so it's effortless.

Sometimes in the past I would have to say things like "You're not hearing me" and then he would slow down and pay attention.  Part of that was that he does communicate differently as VF suggests (so I had to learn how to talk in language he could relate more to), and part of it was that I had difficulty explaining how I felt about so many things because I was basically invisible in my FOO. 

I remember feeling so frustrated much like you are obviously feeling but I inside I had this burning desire to finally be heard and at some point I realized that I deserved to be heard.  If you are frustrated there's a good reason, listen to that     It may be that your BF chooses not to hear you in which case you may want to move on and find someone who does.

Hey Cat - The fact that your D feels safe enough to throw a tantrum (not that you want that all the time I know  ), says something about her development and your parenting. She's growing up as she should - in a safe, supportive home where she can express herself.  You did not consider ranting back at your M for a reason - it was not safe to do so. But she can and does and learns from it because you do not shame or guilt her.   Yay you 

The teenage years can be triggering, no doubt about it.  It's like herding cats, wrangling greased pigs, and nailing jello to the wall all rolled into one.     And just when you think you've got them corralled they slip off in some new direction.  Ack!  It's the developing brain and a whole lot of hormones at play, but it does calm down and level out I swear to you      

Kizzie

(PS - I don't want to hijack the thread but did want to add a little note to say I am absolutely awed and inspired by the compassion, wisdom and caring in this thread.  It fills me with such pride that those of us who ended up with CPTSD are so concerned about and wonderful with our children!  It also makes me a bit sad that many of our parents would not even have thought of having this type of conversation.  But, mostly I feel uplifted - even though our teens can trigger the heck out of us we want to parent them in healthy, positive ways. Yay us  )

Great points Maeflye and Cat   

I do find that finally being able to say definitively "I suffer from CPTSD" is oddly empowering too Maeflye. It's saying to myself "Ah OK, I have an injury" rather than what I used to say, "I'm just a weak, depressed person who can't get past her past."  So these days it's "Yes thanks, I'll just keep this label and you can have the rest back!"      

Labelling my FOO was also a HUGE step forward - once I found out about personality disorders, everything kind of fell into place (and like you it took many years, decades really).  It gave me the language to find my way to OOTF and relevant books and articles, and to talk to a T about what had been inexplicable and crazy making for most of my life. Now that I know I no longer live in the bizzarro land I used to live in and I have good, sound strategies for dealing with them. 

Definitely let us know how your search goes and I will mine.

Odd isn't it as I do see "Complex Trauma" used a lot if not CPTSD.  But we're in the DSM under PTSD so I guess that may be one reason.  Anyway, tks for the link WN, I'll add it to the list above. 

[International]

A common problem for many of us seems to be locating a therapist who is trained in and experienced with treating Complex PTSD specifically. The diagnosis is relatively new; it was only recently accepted by the World Health Organization for the new edition of it's diagnostic manual, the  ICD-11 which will be published in 2022.  The diagnosis is not yet in the other diagnostic manual widely used, the American Psychiatric Association's DSM. 

The searchable databases below are free of charge and can help you narrow down available  therapists. You will note that few if any identify Complex PTSD in the conditions they treat, but will list "PTSD/trauma" and/or causes of relational trauma such as ongoing childhood abuse or domestic violence. What is important is to locate a professional who treats Complex PTSD versus PTSD.  PTSD has three symptoms whereas Complex PTSD has six so there are important differences in treatment.

There is an OOTS form "Locating a Trauma Therapist" that you may find useful in your search.  This resource from the Sidran Institute may also be helpful (scroll down to "Alphabet Soup") - "How to Choose a Therapist"

International

• Good Therapy - http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
• The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) - https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/network/network-find-a-professional
• International Therapist Database - https://internationaltherapistdirectory.com/

United States/Canada

• Psychology Today - http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php
• Theravive - http://www.theravive.com/ (US only)
• Mental Health Match - https://mentalhealthmatch.com/ (US only)
• American Psychological Association - http://locator.apa.org/ (US only)
• eCounseling.com - https://www.e-counseling.com/find-a-therapist/ (US only)

United Kingdom

• Directory of UK therapists who treat Complex Trauma See also The Complex Trauma Institute
• UK Council for Psychotherapy - https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist/

Note: If there is a database for the country you live in that's not listed here, please feel free to post it and I'll add it to the main list or PM me with the info.

Hi and welcome to OOTS Maeflye     

I'm in a similar situation to you as I am seeing a T who has worked with PTSD but not CPTSD and I'm not certain if he gets that there are fairly big differences. In turn I find myself wondering what that means in terms of my recovery.  I like him and we've done some good work, I just a little uncertain if this will get me where I want to go. I am exploring other approaches such as telephone therapy (I don't live near a big city so available T's are limited), something I had not really considered before but Mary Contrary has good things to say about it and if gets me where I want to go I'd give it a whirl.

Not to put you off the T you found, but I did want to mention that I find the labels (which are in fact diagnoses which guide treatment) are exactly the thing that finally helped me to understand what I went through as a child (I grew up with an NPD M and B and alcoholic F), and what happened to me as a result (CPTSD).  It allows me to talk to others who went through something similar and that has been absolutely invaluable. 

I see that you found the link to the ISTSS and I hope that helps in your search. I see that they don't list CPTSD (or Complex Trauma or DESNOs) separately under "Special Interests" ( ) although there are a few categories that relate to CPTSD (e.g., "Attachment Disorders, Dissociation and Physical/Emotional Abuse). And they do have a Special Interest Group for CPTSD so we are at least on the radar nowadays 

Good luck in your search!

It is gut wrenching to go through the double whammy of the illness and not having the people that truly should be there for you there. My mom used my cancer to get attention too......until she had hers only months later  Then she kept saying to me....you have no idea what it's like to have a daughter with cancer.........hmmmm..........like it was my fault or something...she would say that all the time.....like what I was putting HER through! 

Our M's could be sisters     The lowest day for me when I realized (clearly) what she was doing.  The day after we told her I had cancer and would require surgery and chemo she phoned to say that she had been crying all day (she wanted me to comfort her - *  ) and that everyone (all her Flying Monkeys) had been phoning to console her - no-one phoned me of course because it was always about how things affected my M.   Crazytown eh?!   

I'm glad that you have many positives in your life that you can turn to. I did/do as well and that had a lot to do with being able to process all the trauma of having a life threatening illness I could not escape from (very CPTSD triggering!),  I had support from the non-PDs in my life, I could be open about having cancer all facets of my life, and I could be afraid, angry, cry without anyone telling me to pull up my socks. In other words, all of the supports and good things to get through a really traumatic time that children and adults normally have at times like this.  The tears that welled up when you sold the two movies - not silly at all, you experienced a huge loss of the normal things in children, we all did.

And what a difference having all the normal supports and care made in how I feel about that time. I was flinchy for about a year (which I had been warned might be the case so I knew it was "normal"), and I would break down if I saw anything on TV or read something about cancer. Over time though it began to fade and take up a much smaller space inside of me. Now it is a part of me but does not interfere with my life. And that's the route I see through this CPTSD    Working through the trauma as difficult as that may be, being angry, mourning our losses, learning self-compassion and even reparenting ourselves as Walker suggests so that the trauma becomes a part of who we are rather than a distinct/separate entity that continues to wreck havoc on our lives in the present.

I just had a PD free Christmas, the first ever in my 50+ years and it was wonderful! I hope that next year at this time you will post and tell us that your holidays were much better