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Fellow shingles sufferer mcq     I'm still on meds for nerve damage.  I had it at my lowest point emotionally so stress relating to trauma can really play havoc with our immune system.

I think riding a stationary bike and then stopping would be a form of biofeedback Butterfly, good idea     It's a concrete example of how deep breathing brings down your heart rate, and perhaps even of the effects of having more oxygen in the bloodstream (feeling calmer after a workout).  Thanks for telling us how beneficial it has been to have so many points of view/experiences to add to your understanding, I agree completely!   

Pieces, I hear you about wanting to get behind that wall and I agree, it is frustrating!!  We do need to get behind it to get at the trauma and deal with it, I just don't want to find myself blowing through the wall and tapping right into all of that through the type of deeper meditation techniques I was envisioning. For me it's too much at once (as  when I tried EMDR). 

Hopefully this won't take the thread sideways, but I have been wondering if neurofeedback has a similar effect to deeper forms of meditation.   My T did a brain mapping session two weeks ago and identified certain areas that are over-aroused and others that are under-aroused.  We will be starting some training to calm/stimulate those parts with the end goal of teaching my brain to work more fully and thus, effectively.  And perhaps this is what some forms of deeper meditation strives to achieve - building more neural networks in areas we may not use enough,  decreasing the intensity of others (calming them)  by having more options in what/how we think?  Changing the default settings so to speak (rather than default to fear/anxiety, we can make new settings that involve a more balanced perspective?) 

Okay, time to get out of my head and do something physical lol. 

Hi Sanmagic:

It sounds like you've had a rough go in the last month, it's amazing that some of us manage with the symptoms until later in life and then it catches up with us and we can no longer hide from it or hold it in. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to uncover and recover though, no doubt being a therapist helps with knowing the importance of treatment. 

Was it your T that diagnosed you? No actual diagnosis is needed to participate here by the way, I am just wondering if your T is trauma informed as that would be good news here. It would suggest more T's are becoming knowledgeable as that's been a problem for so many of us - finding affordable trauma informed T's.  Most T's seem to know about PTSD, but CPTSD not so much and there are differences.

It does tend to be slow going for most of us unfortunately.  A lot of us find we have to take baby steps as there's a lot of cumulative trauma fueling our CPTSD and it can be too much to look at and process quickly.   

I do hope you find the information and sharing of experience as helpful as I have.  When you have a moment, please have a read through our Member Guidelines (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0), and if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

...a wonderful and very loving husband and son.

Well time to lock this thread as we are at 5 pages.  Kind of nice when you think about it - we are a grateful group of people despite having CPTSD. 

HI Talizorah and a very warm welcome to OOTS     Take your time and post when you are ready.  It's a big thing to find out you have CPTSD and certainly it does take courage to come here and talk about it so kudos to you for doing so.      Rest assured we do all get it as I'm sure you'll find out soon enough, and there are lots of resources here to help you.  You'll probably notice that many of us talk about having to take baby steps and breaks as it's a lot to digest so if you find this please know it's a common reaction. 

Again welcome to the community and don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions

Oh dear Liz, I can feel the anxiety, fear and anger you are feeling - and more   

You are going through *, and no wonder!  You have barely escaped from a full court PD press.  They pulled out all the stops to bring you into line, make you feel like you are the problem, draw you back and do the crazy making, soul crushing dance that PD and their FMs do.  All of that must be deeply triggering and not something you can over in a day or two.

And although you have gone no contact, the fact that they marched up to your castle and demanded that you lower the drawbridge so to speak must equate to feeling like you are still under siege I would imagine. Perhaps seeing a T for a while might be an idea to help you reestablish a sense of safety and regain your equilibrium?

I am LC with my NPDM and NC with my NPDB and extended family (big network of enmeshment and dysfunctional behaviour), and even being LC with my M is difficult.  My H and I have to manage what little contact we have with her very carefully because given an inch she will take a mile and in the end trigger me and anger him so that we end up focusing on her once again.  The thought of being dragged back into all of that is the stuff of nightmares so it's no wonder to me that you are having a tough time.   Coming here and talking about it all may help defuel the fear/anger, bring it down to a manageable level so it's not all consuming.  Keep posting, we do get it here.   

Wow, Pam great work!     I must say that a few of them gave me a bit of a snack attack lol    Are any of the dogs yours?

Definitely a benefit of discussion      (i.e., increasing our understanding of something) 

I see what you're saying Pieces about mediation being present instead of lost in thought and rumination.  It certainly explains why watching the screen in the biofeedback session worked better than when I try and meditate on my own at home.  It kept me in the present moment instead of being swept up in the stream of consciousness chatter in my mind.

I realize now through this discussion that I do think of mediation as a process of going deeper inside my self.  That's where the trauma resides so it really is scary. Thinking of meditation in terms of learning to focus and be in the present, however, is much more appealing.   

Hi ReluctantAstronaut - If you are nervous, maybe discuss this with your pdoc to reassure yourself you do know of any possible side effects.  Perhaps s/he can start you on a low dose  to see how you fare and then increase it if/as needed.  You might feel a little more comfortable trying it then.  Another option may be to ask about alternative meds.

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS islandgardener   

I moved your post here to the welcome section as this is where most members post an intro.  As you'll find from reading and sharing here, what you endured is more than enough to feel paralyzed. What we all have in common, whether we suffered sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse is devaluation and invalidation of our sense of self/soul/spirit, safety and belonging in the world which led to a shared set of symptoms.

Having grown up in a  household with covert narcissists I can very much relate to not feeling like I 'qualified' as having been abused. I couldn't even sort it out as emotional abuse for the longest time, but at OOTF I came to see just how bad things really had been in my childhood.  Gaslighting, hoovering, enmeshment, triangulation and on and on - just soul crushing and crazy making. 

So, maybe now is the time to make much ado about something very real that happened to you. This is definitely the right place for that.   

Interesting tidbit - I just checked the Index for "Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation" (what the Book Club is reading and working through), and there is only one mention of meditation (p. 370 if you have the book). It's just one paragraph about dealing with isolation and loneliness by connecting to your God or the universe through meditation. Other than that, nothing.  I don't want to read too much into this, but it does lead me wonder why mediation is not discussed as a recovery strategy for those of us who use dissociation as a coping strategy.    Food for thought.

Great work Beta      Glad to hear it's something you enjoy wholeheartedly, that's often hard to do when you have CPTSD so keep on drawing (and sharing your work) 

 I am good with gentle mediation by which I mean practising breathing and relaxing the body.  My T explained that when we breathe shallowly the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream sends a signal to the brain that we are in a distressing situation and so we go into reaction or poised to react mode.  By learning to breath more deeply, we bring in more oxygen to our bloodstream and change the signal (I.e., Ok, getting enough oxygen, things are good so I can relax). 

In my sessions thus far though he didn't suggest that I try and  my mind or anything, just focus on breathing and watching the screen.  Thinking back I realize that having that screen to watch had something to do with being able to focus on breathing. In the past when I've tried it on my own there was so much chatter going on in my head I couldn't get past it. With the biofeedback I was able to better focus on my breathing and let the chatter flow in the background and then quiet -  not altogether, but definitely it decreased.

So all this is to say I am good with practising breathing (gentle meditation) as I clearly saw that it works and I have a physiological explanation of why and how it works which is appealing.  I haven't  done well with practising in my own (the chatter!) so am considering buying a biofeedback device to help.