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Hi everyone,
I saw a free video event today, and I am going to hopefully watch it.

These are the details:

The Free Video Event is by Dr Arielle Schwartz.
It is called:

"Rewire for Resilience Through Vagal Toning & Embodied Spirituality: Restore your nervous system for clarity, vitality and emotional balance".

It is going to be at 7pm British Summer time (which I noticed was USA Eastern time: 2pm; USA Central time: 1pm; USA Mountain time: 12pm midday and USA Pacific time: 11am) on Saturday 7th June 2025.

Here is a link to the page that has the details (look towards the bottom of the page for the event):
https://preview.mailerlite.com/a7h0q9s1x9/2759193284118058333/n6q4/

I have watched some of Dr Schwartz's previous videos and also read a couple of her books, and they are (in my opinion) really good, and I have found them to be very helpful.

Hope

Hi everyone,
I have decided to take a break for a while, but hope to be back later in the year - not sure when, but I will see how things go in the next couple of months.
Sending you all a big hug 
I might come here to still read things or I might not come back for a while, depending on how strict I am with my digital/online break.

I am viewing it as some self-care and an experiment to see how I cope with a digital/online break. 

Take care, and look forward to re-connecting again in the future - later this year.

Hope

7th January 2025

So, this is my first entry for 2025 in this journal.  I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so.  I value all of you, and what you say.  Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far. 

Trigger warning, as mentioning SA

I have had a disturbing night last night, and dreamed that I was pregnant, and that people were trying to chase me, capture me and hurt my baby by possibly hitting me in my stomach.  Consequently I was trying to evade them, and escape.  My partner told me in the morning that I had shouted at him 'If you come near me, I'll punch you' - and he reminded me of this over breakfast by joking about it - and I burst into tears.

I explained to him the context behind what I think has contributed to that dream.  I had recently seen details of a court case locally involving someone I recognised that used to work in my organisation - he is being accused of historic sexual offences, and whilst I've read and watched information relating to cases before, somehow the fact I actually knew this person - it's really affected me more than I realised.   When I was thinking about it this morning, whilst making breakfast, I was feeling nauseated and had a pain in my stomach area. 

I am glad that my partner joked with me, because my tearful reaction was such that I could then explain to him what was behind my behaviour in the night.  He understood, and he validated that the fact I had known the person - it probably makes it more ... can't think of the right word...

Anyway - I feel better about it now - especially now I'm writing about it here. 

I didn't think I'd be writing something quite so heavy as my first entry in my journal for 2025, and I had considered putting it in the private section of my journal, but actually I don't see why I should hide my thoughts and feelings away necessarily - although it's great that I can do that, if I need to. 

I wanted to write more, but now I think I can't find words, so I'll go and have a cup of tea.

Hope

This is an article I came across by Northumbria University - I don't know what year it is or what journal it might be in, but the title of the study is:

"I'm Finally Allowed to be Me": Parent-Child Estrangement and Psychological Wellbeing - by Audrey Helen Linden and Elizabeth Silence.

A link to the article is here:

https://researchportal.northumbria.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/21177060/Linden_Sillence_Parent_Child_Estrangement_and_Psychological_Wellbeing_AAM.pdf

I am looking forward to reading this article in more detail - so far I've just skim read it, but I already relate to some of the things mentioned, and it is thought provoking for me.  I hope others will also find it interesting.

Hope

Hi everyone,
I found a link that I have found helpful, from The Survivor's Trust - I'm giving a link to the Members Operating Nationally in the UK:

https://thesurvivorstrust.org/members-operating-nationally/

Hope 

Hi everyone,
I just had a quick look at the first of the videos (about Havening) in Christy Gibson's resources area online, and I think they will probably all be good - so I'm posting it here - incase anyone wishes to have a look.  I will hope to watch them later in the week - and I'm especially interested in the one about Tremoring. 

Question: Has anyone else tried Tremoring?  Do you have any thoughts about the process and effects of doing it?  I am considering trying it.  But I am a bit apprehensive too.

Anyway, I hope others find this resource to be helpful, and thanks to Christy Gibson for these resources:

https://www.moderntrauma.com/book-practices/info

Hope 

16th January 2024
I've been wanting to start this 2024 journal - and am glad I managed to write something today - as I had found it difficult to write before now.  But here I am, and I've taken a few notes to say things I wanted to include in today's entry.  I wanted to do some kind of summary or bringing together of things, and keep note of them here.

I wish I'd thought more of the order of my notes, but looking at them now - I think 'wow, they are jumbled'.  Anyway, I want to attempt to just 'write' now, using the notes, and so whatever comes out on the page here - that's going to stay.  I'm not going to edit it or change it.  If I agree to that rule, then I'll be able to do it, otherwise, I won't manage to.

I've noticed that my dreams have been still focusing on the theme of packing and trying to get away from something in a limited time frame, but instead of feeling completely out of control with that process, this time there are people from my life who are supportive, and they are featuring within the dream, and they are helping me to get away.  So I think that's a very positive change to that particular kind of dream.  I must feel like I have support in my life - and I acknowledge that I do!

Last year I had been doing quite a lot of focus on daily meditation and some EFT tapping, as a way to communicate with my inner experience (parts), and I am pleased that I've managed to do that daily.  I have found it calms and centres my thoughts, and also allows my parts to feel that I listen to them and I have focused on showing care and love to them.  This has resulted in my feeling that nighttime is much better - I am able to self-soothe and regulate my feelings more.  This is resulting in better quality sleep and less experiences of night terrors.  My partner told me I only had a couple of night terrors over the Christmas period, but that was a tougher time for me, in terms of doing things that involved others, that I found more stressful, so I understand why I was more affected at that time.

Although I said I was doing meditation and EFT tapping daily, I do recognise I didn't keep it up over the holiday season (Christmas), and what I noticed during that time was that my variable heart rate levels went back down to between 15 and 20, instead of my previous levels which had been in the 20's.  I got back to doing the meditation and EFT tapping, and the levels are now once again in late 20's to early 30's levels, so I'm pleased to see the changes in those.

The books I've read recently have been really helpful - I read something about 'forgiveness' and a book about 'positivity' and both of those were helpful to me.  I can't remember the authors, as I took them back to the library without writing them down!  I have currently got the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' - I will find the author of that and write it later, as I still have that book, and it's really good - I feel like I'm at a stage now when I can really take in the information and it's helping me to process things.  I think this is because I've been working on stuff for a long while now, and that 'now' I feel more ready - as I am more regulated and present regarding my emotions, and able to better recognise EF's and find ways to help me cope better. 

My partner commented recently that I've been talking less frequently about my past to him, although I noticed when I told him I was reading the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' and he realised it was about CSA, he seemed to be concerned - I think he prefers it when I'm reading books that are about positivity.  But I acknowledge that he'd like me to feel better, and he's concerned at anything that he thinks will affect me.

I've been affected quite a bit by some issues that a TV programme (drama about a local doctor practice - called 'Doctors') has raised.  They have been focusing on a female GP who had a histoscopy carried out, and how she was in intense pain and was upset when it was carried out.  It made me feel incredibly emotional and upset.  I thought back to my difficulty in attending any appointments with GPs and nurses and invasive procedures, and how it's become more difficult to put a mask on regarding my emotions in such circumstances.  I think I realise more now why I feel that way.  But it is upsetting to think about it, and to really realise it.

There was also an episode of that TV programme where a teenager was being moved around a lot geographically, and I relate to that.  But what was really emotive was how the medical staff and people she encountered were actually considering 'her' feelings, and wanting her to talk about how she thought and what she wanted.  That's so great to see that kind of conversation, and it made me feel a lot of feelings regarding how my own thoughts and feelings about stuff in my childhood were completely disregarded and unheard.  Again, very emotive to watch that programme, but I guess it's because I'm 'seeing' and 'feeling' more now, and beginning to see behind the fog of what precluded those perceptions previously.

What I've noticed about my own processing, is that whereas previously events were potent and strong, they were also very fragmented and I couldn't relate them to the correct moments in time - I realise they were often in the wrong place or wrong order, and I've been able to begin to look at events and anchor some of them to a different time, and different place, and feel it's more correct.  I think this is because I've begun to look at things in a different perspective - more stable emotionally, less frequent EF's distorting my perspectives.  I have also considered things in history that can anchor those things - e.g. when prominent famous people died (e.g. Elvis Presley's death for example) - and then I can work out my age at the time etc.

Whereas previously my flashbacks were concentrating more towards my very young years - maybe 5 years old ish.  I've noticed I'm now considering more my teenage years, and how that part of me felt.  Words connected with this time are 'tension' 'anger' grinding teeth' 'neck tension' - I'm realising now how difficult that time was for me, and how much emotion I had repressed and tried to cope with.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things here.  Those were writings from my notes, and as I wrote them, I also thought about the fact that I tore up all my notes I'd done about family history and alot of other stuff I'd written in the past - so it's all gone!  I only really have this journal here online in this supportive place.  And that's ok.  I am ok with that.  I feel 'lighter' that it's no longer clogging up my space at home, and also there's no possibility for any people to 'find' it.  I trust my partner, but if others looked at my stuff, I wouldn't be happy.

I'll stop writing now, as I've written a lot and I feel ok for writing it.

I hope to catch up with people in this forum in the coming days - I've had quite a full-on Christmas and New Year - and I was only able to pop by occasionally to read here - I didn't feel able to write anything till now.  It's good to start this journal, and I wish the best for us all in 2024.

Happy New Year!

Hope 

I watched an interview entitled "Interview with somatic psychologist Dr Arielle Schwartz on Parts Work and how it integrates into the Biology". A link to that interview is here:

https://vimeo.com/646562391/4c66549277?share=copy

The person interviewing Dr Schwartz is Dr Aimie Apigian, MD.

I thought it was a really good talk, and I wrote a few notes.

My notes:
Self sabotaging - conflict.
Complex inner dynamics as we face our goals.
Where do they come from?
'Curiosity' - What's really going on?  What is the voice of the part that doesn't want to do it?
Parts = reflective of our past experiences.
Exiling them increases feeling inauthentic.
Rebel
Act out.

Dr Amie Apigian spoke of constant battle to keep them exiled.

Emotions held in a beachball and held under water.  Everything needs to come out.

Brene Brown - turn towards shame etc - enables creativity.

Vagus nerve: 80% body back to brain.
Below conscious awareness.
Stephen Porges - neuroception.

Goal: Increase awareness of the body.  Use conscious neuroception to discern what's happening.  Notice somatic symptoms. Pay attention.  Greater choice about how to respond.

Childhood trauma: Feeling powerless.  3rd ?function of vagus nerve kicks in: Collapse, it's all futile.
Goal - reclaim our ability to regulate.

Moving through the world associated with some kind of threat.
Rest and digest.

Yoga - learn to move the body and we learn to rest.

Healing practice - undo performance expectations.  Listening relationship with the body, rather than performance relationship.

Building tolerance to our emotions, sensations, and feelings.  Mindful curiosity.

Make agreements with parts who may feel differently about a particular thing.

Disowned parts can sabotage our health e.g. difficulty sleeping.  Can lead to food sensitivities.  Can excacerbate environmental sensitivities.  Unrealised trauma in their history.

We can talk to our bodies and our bodies respond.
So much wisdom and intelligence in our bodies.

Bodies love to be in synch.  Endogenous endorphins.  In tune/in synch with felt experience.

Requires time.
Slow down.
Tolerate vulnerability.

Slow down and listen.

Predictable route to safety and connection.  e.g. hand on heart and stomach.  Find out what dysregulates you and what brings you back  to safety and connection.

Slow down
Check in with body.
Check in with breath.

Trauma - something we felt in our senses but weren't able to process, as over-whelming.

Integrate those experiences and fold them back in.
Therapy = useful.

Meditation
Yoga
Walk in nature

Pockets of calm.

Mentioned pause/slow-down of Covid (effect)
Some people found this very uncomfortable (some enjoyed that slow-down)
Uncomfortable feelings came up, therefore focusing on pacing, building up tolerance.

Tipping point between stresses and trauma = when we begin to feel out of control/overwhelm.

*****

I found the talk helpful and thought provoking. 

Hope 

Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I took what I call a 'technology break' - but I am intending to do this for the month of September, so I hope to be back online in October and will look forward to catching up then.
    
Hope   

Hi everyone,

This is especially for Persistant, as I tried to reply to your comment to me in the thread I started about the Vagus Nerve conference - and I really wanted to let you know that I did manage to take some notes, and I hope to write some of them in the next couple of days, if I can.

But for some reason I can't get access to that original thread, and don't know why that is.

Anyway, I will hope to put some notes here when I can.

Apologies that I didn't reply earlier.

Hope 

Hi Everyone,
There are sessions as part of the 'Vagus Nerve Masterclass' by Dr Peter Kan and associates, and here is a link if you want to see the sessions - they are due to be shown over a few days and can be viewed for 24 hours for free, from time of production (I think).

A link is here so you can sign up, if you want to:

https://vagusnervemastery.com/?inf_contact_key=dc0bed025a6c585a73459720a2adc85cb7af0999dac2af6212784c39e05d2aef

It's 10am in the UK as I write this, and I think the sessions for Day 1 are due to be presented in 7 hours from now - i.e. 5pm UK time. 

I hope to watch some of the sessions over the coming days, and might be able to write a few notes on them too, which I'll share in this thread if they seem helpful, and if I manage to do the notes. 

Hope 

Hi everyone,
An organisation called 'Sounds True' sent me a link for a session called:
"All Parts Welcome: Episode 2: Parenting & Internal Family Systems" which is by Dr Richard Schwartz and Tami ?Simon with a special guest - Dr Becky Kennedy (Clinical Psychologist).

It's on June 29th 2023 at 10am ET and 8am PT and it's free.

Here is a link if you'd like to sign up:
https://join.soundstrue.com/richard-schwartz-dr-becky/?utm_source=Email&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=SOIE2205&triplesource=klaviyo&utm_klaviyo_id=01G1105BXWDHAMJ26J9VD0JZRQ&utm_content=LaunchLeadGen&_kx=UN0MTFQk9JVDwlY6o-K8l5DBO_2a1WSJzu4MUiK2BJ5G1ZcuDMghL0OMeiJ4WRkr.JMDgaq

Hope 

Hi everyone,
This workshop is entitled: "Relational Trauma Treatment Workshop: Processing Deep Childhood Wounds with Psychodrama & Experiential Interventions" and is on Wednesday 21st June 2023 from 8am to 4pm (but not sure what time that is in the world - need to check that out!)
The workshop is by Dr Tian Dayton.

Here is a link, if you'd like to register.  It says it is free.
(I hope to come back with the link)
I am really sorry - I can't find the link now!  But I think if you look up the details of the workshop online, you'll be able to find it and hopefully register if you want to.  Apologies!!!

I think it's possible to access the recordings for 14 days after viewing it as well. 

Hope 

Hi everyone,
This article was posted on 11th June 2023 in Psychology Today.

It's title is: "How Family Estrangement May Benefit Trauma Survivors" and it was written by Amanda Ann Gregory.

Here is a link to the article:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202306/how-family-estrangement-may-benefit-trauma-survivors

Hope 

Hi everyone,
This is a Master Series from the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine, and it's a Free 5-part Master series with trauma experts including Bessel van der Kolk, Pat Ogden, Ruth Lanius, Stephen Porges, Janina Fisher, and more.

It's about the most effective interventions to help clients heal from trauma.

A link is here:
https://www.nicabm.com/program/b2-fb-master-program-on-treating-trauma-4/?d=fbo.2220.1.a&del=fb2220.1all.a&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=image&utm_campaign=2220&utm_term=fans&utm_content=a&fbclid=IwAR2a27R7wqnkfG40njyNKuPGl0b7-xphdLI-G-lTnbR1AyZATwBQHRw5LEY

I have already watched three of these, and hope to watch the final two - I think they are excellent, and have really been helpful to me.

Hope 

Hi everyone,
There is a Somatic Trauma Healing Summit on the 24th & 25th June 2023 which is put on by The Embody Lab.

A link is here if you want to register to attend it - it's free.

https://www.theembodylab.com/schedule/somatic-trauma-healing-summit

Hope 

I'm taking a break for a couple of weeks or so, but will be back, and look forward to re-connecting then.

Hope 

[resilience]

I listened to this talk on 10th March 2023, it was by Kathy Steele and was entitled 'Dissociation'. 

She mentioned the book 'The Haunted Self' - I think Kathy Steele wrote this, but I've not checked that.  The book is dated 2006.

Dissociation: 4 categories.
1) Spacing; checking/zoning out.  In trauma - prolonged checking out.  Can interfere with lives.
2) De-personalisation: Somatic.  Disconnect.  Body larger or smaller.  Perceptual.
3) Nervous system: Dorsal-vagal shut-down.  Physiological state.
4) Pierre Janet's 3-phase model historically (of personality).  Structural dissociation - sense of self.  Every aspect of experience.  Dissociative identity disorder.  More than one sense of self.

Dissociation - not necessarily related to trauma.  Can be many reasons.

Treatments DO work.
Develop more realisation about what happened and capabilities in the present.
Difficulty regulating emotions keeps it going.

So:
Stabilising and regulating emotions
Resolving traumatic memory
Resolving traumatic attachments
EMDR
Exposure based
Mindfulness
Somatic

Should be organised to enable adaptation.

1)Stabilisation: Safely.  Reducing symptoms.
2) Traumatic memory: Development pieces.  Relationships.
3) Personality integration: Grieving.  Cohesive sense of self.  More joy. Less interference from the past.
Holding the trauma.
Avoiding the trauma.
Build cooperation between parts.
Addressing trauma too soon can be destabilisting.

Inner experience - can be phobic and dysregulating.  Therefore mindfulness - external first to test tolerance.

Skills: Mindfulness, Grounding.
Identify, regulate and tolerate emotions.
Tolerate an impulse and develop ability to wait.  Postpone the urge.
Ability to reflect and think about experience.

Dialectical and behavioural therapy.
Commitment and acceptance therapy.

Mentalise.
Another perspective.

* Schwartz - ego states.
Parts in DID (dissociative identity disorder) - continuum with ego states, but more divided, don't necessarily share same information and often don't.
Non-confrontive compassionate approach.

Knowing and not knowing.
Something happened that frightened/upset you.

Spring board for resilience

Past in the past = important idea.

Self - integration based on development.
Self = developmental.

Catch up on pieces of self we left behind.

Time losses.
Somatic symptoms - pain intrusions.  Vaginal pain in present or absence of feeling.  Numb.
Symptom clusters of dissociation.
Across time and situations.

Less intense and fade to different degrees.

******
This was a really good talk, I don't feel my notes did it justice, but hopefully it makes sense at some level.  :-)

Hope 

[body]

These are some notes I took on 17th March 2023 when watching a talk by Jan Winhall entitled 'Felt Sense Polyvagal'.  Jan Winhall is a Canadian author at the Polyvagal institute and a Lecturer at the University of Toronto.  She is also a Trauma & Addiction Specialist.

She spoke about when she was in her mid 20's and attended a group for incest survivors.  She said she learned to 'listen with non-pathologising ears' in that group.  No labels/diagnoses.  Purely listen. 

She noted the members of the group were 'doing things with their bodies' e.g. cutting, dangerous sexual behaviour, and also drinking, eating/bingeing and vomiting.  She said they often got labelled as having borderline personality disorder.

Helped regulate their bodies and emotions.
Drinking a lot numbs you.

Psychodynamic model previously.  But doesn't address body

Judith Herman "Trauma & Recovery" - she is bringing out a new book.  She connected things to polyvagal theory.

Flooding - fight-flight
Numbing (Steve Porges calls it dorsal-vagus)
Shifting fight-flight to freezing/dissociating.
Bi-directional.

Cutting - endogenous opioids.  Bring relief.
Fold-collapse - numbing.

Help people out of stuck trauma feedback loop and into flow/flock.

Colour and visuals stimulates right hemisphere.  Colour, shape, imagery.
Interoceptive practice.
Model helps people to work with the body.

Fundamental question - how safe are you and how safe do you feel?

Motivation for addiction is to get out and away from the body.  Only in states of safety can we heal.

Immune system doesn't function well in fight/flight etc.  Healing needs to be in safe space.

Gendlin 'Focusing' - is a student of Carl Rogers.  Felt sense.

Relationship - establish some co-regulation. 
Listening freshly.
Notice where the body is speaking.
Notice.
Wait till body is ready to speak.
We want to connect through felt sensing.
Track where they are in the nervous system.

Jan Winhall's website is: https://janwinhall.com/ and she has some free resources on there.  (I must admit I've not yet looked at that link, so I don't know what's there).
Focusing accountability partners.

Flock - getting together with friends.  Connection and ventral energy.  Painting etc.

Jan prefers group therapy.  Co-regulation and social engagement.

She has body cards on the website.  Draw using colour where the felt sense was and describe using colour and shape.
Flock body cards - collect them as a resource.

********
Note to self: I hope to have a look at these resources that Jan mentioned.

Hope 

[No]

I can't remember which conference this was from, but it's a talk by Daniel Shaw and the title is 'Traumatic Narcissism' and I listened to it on 3rd April 2023 and have written up my notes - I'm mainly wanting to keep the notes somewhere safe, and will be tearing up my paper notes, but if anyone finds them helpful/interesting, that's a bonus!

Traumatic Narcissism.

Dev environment - shaming and humiliation - depressing
Traumatising narcissist.  (delusion of omnipotence) (shamelessness)

Perfectly infallable.  Infinitely entitled.  No need to change (in their view)

Self-alienation - a term by Janina Fisher.  Traumatised by that kind of traumatising narcissist.
Relational system of subjugation.  Needs other people to hold their sense of humiliation.

Narcissist - delusional and dissociated belief that they do not need anyone.  Omnipotent.  Need the other to be subjugated and needy.
Coercive control.
Likely to become psychotic if their needs to be omnipotent are not fed.

Parent narcissist - Effects on the children.
Private world very different from public world.
World views their family as priviledged.
But private world - trauma and abuse.
Envious and resentful of their child.
Dependability of child - viewed as insulting to the parent.
Very difficult parent to survive.

Mentioned a film called 'The Celebration' which is a Danish film, and a good example of some of these things/themes.

Parent puts them in a double bind.
If too independent or too dependent.  Parent reacts to both of these things negatively.

However successful, they never quite meet their parents' expectations.

How to know if a parent is a narcissist.

Parents can trap their children financially - holding all the purse strings.

Behaviours. 
Relational patterns.
Work through and understand how they were traumatised.

Understand development of parents' behaviour.
Helps.

Relationship patterns and behaviours.
Intimidation, belittling and humiliation.
Seduction.
Depleted and exhausted.

Jessica Chastain wrote a book called 'The Bonds of Love'

Daniel Shaw comments that their are similar dynamics in cults.
Crazy making.

Narcissistic parent manipulates the child to ensure you attend to their needs.
24-7 on call to fulfill their need to sustain their need for omnipotence.

Free? Independent?
No you misunderstood me.
You can never win.
Narcissist is always right.

Therapy - help person liberate themselves.
Enter their own life and live own life with sense of purpose. 
Stop obsessing about how the narcissist is doing.

Daniel Shaw helps people
- children of narcissists
- followers of cult

Enslavement.
Talked about 'The Vow' - recruiting slaves.
De-humanisation and enslavement.

Eric Fromm's work - escape following World War II.
Malignant naricssism in heart of man.
Nationalistic narcissism.

Kind of grooming.
Groomed to cater for the needs of the other at the expense of their own.

Ronald Fairburn - basic need to be loved in their own right, and love parents and feel it's valued.
Traumatic if love is dismissed/de-valued by parent.

Self-alienation - division within self. Self punitive. Vulnerable - longing to give love.
Identify parts internally.
How do they conflict?
Help resolve internal conflicts.

Self-compassion - healing.
Doesn't come easily to traumatised people.

Integrating repressed or disowned parts.

Practical way to handle narcissistic parent in adulthood.
Variety of ways - difficulty re: boundaries.  But boundaries are necessary.  Grief process - to grieve what isn't possible.

Mentioned Prince Harry's Memoir book 'Spare'.  Mentioned that Ronald Regan's daughter did a tell-all book, but had said she wished she'd been silent and waited.  Regretted it.

Need to integrate hurt, trauma etc = complicated.
Daniel Shaw feels that a lot of advice online = simplistic.
No quick fix.
Poignant struggle.
Humanity of perpetrator.

************
The above are my notes from listening to the talk by Daniel Shaw about 'Traumatic Narcissism'. 
Hope