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I have always disliked being around knives - in the kitchen, or any other place where there might be one.  When I was a child and a teenager I used to be a bit clumsy around knives and would sometimes cut into my hand, when slicing something - but it was accidental. 

But as an adult, I still remain uneasy around knives, and wonder why I dislike them so much.  In my head, I sometimes imagine that I might take a knife and drive it into my stomach - and just thinking that thought shocks me.  But I don't think I'd act on the thought.

My partner has brought some white spirit into the room, which is for me to try to do some painting - to clean oil off paint-brushes, and seeing the white spirit in the bottle, and the fact it looks so much like 'water' - makes me think that maybe I'll come down in my sleep and end up drinking it - I have had sleep-walking and night terrors that make me do things, but I've never walked downstairs (to my knowledge) and I really do doubt I'd actually drink it in my sleep - but I am worried that I've been thinking about it.

I'm doing some inner wounded/fragmented child work currently - via a self-help book - and I'm becoming more aware of my thought patterns, and this aspect is a bit disturbing to me - and so I just wanted to write about it and see if anyone can relate and what you think about it.

I was also a bit disturbed by watching a U-tube video by Heather Gingrich (who wrote 'Restoring The Shattered Self') as she spoke about a person who had a lot of pent-up anger - and she suggested that that person might actually hurt someone - and it made me wonder if I could end up hurting myself or someone else. 

I guess the fact I'm worrying about this, makes me less likely to act on my thoughts, but I just wanted to see what people think.

Hope 

I have never tried to hurt myself in the past, and my way of coping is usually to over-eat.

Little Hope wants me to write about her experiences - and maybe she wants to write it in her own words - I'm not sure...  So, over to you Little Hope - tell me about what happened...

"When I was little, I always wanted the 'light through there' to be on, because it helped me to feel safer and it helped me to get to sleep.  But she (NM) turned it off, and then I screamed, because I was so frightened in the dark, it was just so black, and I was too scared, and so I screamed and pleaded with her to 'Put the light through there on'  and it felt like it was forever, like I cried, I screamed.  I saw her looking at me through the door, but she didn't come to hug me, she didn't console me, she just looked and told me to be quiet and to go to sleep.  It went on forever, that's how it seemed. 

I've tried to get Little hope to tell this in her own words, but I can't connect with her just now - it's like she's not here, and yet I know she wanted me to talk about it here - because she told me about it more with snapshots of this memory - of being frightened, but now she's gone somewhere else, and I feel a bit silly writing about it, but I'll continue and leave this here.

I guess when I think about it, I think that Little Hope didn't understand what her NM was trying to do - maybe she was trying to get her to sleep - and not rely on a night light - which was only the light from a corridor - and the door was kept ajar normally so she could see the light, but then the light was turned off, and this was incredibly frightening to Little Hope.  She had so many things that she'd heard, that she'd seen, and experienced as a little child, and the dark was incredibly frightening to her.

I think she is communicating now, as she just flashed an image of my sister into my mind - but I know this is probably from a memory that my sister 'told me about' - which is that when I was little, I used to go into my sister's room and play, and that my sister one morning pretended to be 'dead' - and didn't move, and she told me that I screamed a lot when I tried to get her to move. 

I know Little Hope feels angry about this in a way, because I never knew why my sister wasn't in our family from certain points in time, and how could she pretend to be dead, when later, I sometimes wondered if she had actually died. 

Then I get the images of the film 'The Dark House' where the killer put knitting needles through the necks of people - and killed them, and Little Hope had seen that film when it was on one afternoon - like a Sunday matinee, but then Little Hope couldn't sleep in her bedroom anymore, and screamed and had night terrors constantly for what felt like weeks and weeks, and had to sleep in the lounge.

I think I've written all the things Little Hope wants me to share for now.  I'm interested that I'm not connecting emotionally to this - right at this moment - but I will leave it there, as I know that if I re-read it at a later time, then often I feel absolutely emotion gushing through my system, as if Little Hope will read it - and process it differently - and I find that really helpful - so will go with this.

I hope my trigger warnings have helped anyone who doesn't wish to read such things - and I hope it's not too triggering for anyone. 

Hope 

I fear going to see my GP (my doctor) - the reason is that I saw her quite a few years ago, when I was struggling to cope - and I think her reaction to me (at the time I burst into tears infront of her) and she reached out to me, and literally hugged me - made my wounded inner child want to 'attach to her' - and felt that she 'rescued' me - but the thing is that she didn't know I had complex CPTSD, and she thought I was depressed, and so she put me on anti-depressants, and treated me that way - and then it took me a few years to come off them - and in the meantime, I changed my GP and was pleased with my new doctor.  However, recently that GP retired, and that meant I chose to go back to the previous one (the one who had seen me initially).  She had forgotten what had happened previously - literally asked me if I'd left the practice and moved away geographically!  I thought that wasn't good that she wasn't up to date on my records, and could have easily looked back, but I guess they don't have time to do that.

Anyway, I don't feel I can tell her about my background of trauma - I am 'self diagnosed' rather than in any professional sense, and I just don't think she would understand.  I might sound arrogant to say that, but it's what I believe, and I don't think she would help me.

I don't know whether to continue to see her, or whether to change and see someone else.  But the thing is that I don't feel I can trust any of the medical doctors. 

Yet, there are times when I need to see a doctor - they are the way to get medication for infections and suchlike, and there's no way to access some things without a prescription - yet I lack confidence in them.

I thought I was brave to choose to go back to her, but I was disappointed by her lack of bothering to read any of my notes, or remember anything about me.  It's like she didn't see me either, and noone in my FOO 'saw me' - not really.

I took a lot of courage to phone to ask to see the GP today - and was told she couldn't see me for a few weeks, as she's away on holiday - and I just couldn't pluck up courage to see anyone else either.  So I put the phone down. 

It's things like this that make me feel very small and powerless and vulnerable.

I'm glad I've not got any big health concerns - it's a relatively small thing - but I am just worried for when I might have something bigger that I wouldn't cope with seeking the support.

I can feel an inner critic telling me off for writing this now - but I'm going to put it out there anyway.  However, I do wonder why talking about the doctor feels like a bad thing to do.

Hope 

I used to sit for what seemed like a very very long time, looking at the 'Lady in the Mirror with the Long Hair' - I used to wonder who is she - was she my sister, looking after me for a while, when I was very little - putting on her make-up and brushing her hair - very long dark brown hair.  She just used to focus on it, and I used to sit very quiet - watching her.

When I finally 'found' my long lost sister, whom I last saw when I was only 8 years of age, and only had fleeting memories of in previous times - I asked her about that memory, and she told me it wasn't her - because our M had never allowed her to have long hair - even though that is what she'd always wanted - to have long hair.

No, it was infact my NM - she was the woman brushing her long dark brown hair, in that mirror, attending to her make-up.  My sister told me that M liked to 'look perfect' - with a face-full of make-up, and that was how she would spend quite a lot of time - doing just that.  My sister told me she never wears any make-up, by contrast. 

The thing is, I feel shocked as an adult, thinking about the fact that Little Hope didn't know who that lady was - when infact that lady was Little Hope's M.  My M.  This fills me with incredulity, and it's shocking somehow.  I was so dissociated, even as a young child, to not even recognise who someone was.  My own M.

I've been wondering whether to write about this, because my 'critics' told me not to write about it - but I know it's purely because they want to protect my vulnerable little selves, but the thing is that everyone here in this forum has been kind and validating, and so it's ok - I can write this here, and I will do so.  For Little Hope.

I just wanted to share this memory of the 'Lady in the Mirror' - and share my incredulity that I didn't recognise who she was.

Hope 

I think I need to write something here today, because my inner child - a very young part of me - feels wounded, and wants me to share the fact that when she was little, her NM made her a doll - literally a cloth doll - which would have taken a long time to make, because she was quite beautiful to look at.  She also had perfectly tailored clothes - and I mean many sets of clothes, made with different materials, and colours and textures.  So that doll had a whole set of lovely clothes, and I think she was given to me for my Birthday.  I remember thinking that my M must love me a LOT - to have spent the time and dedication to do that for me. 

But - I was in the fog for years - thinking my childhood was 'perfect' - and it wasn't.  My inner child is starting to show me how she felt - and the fact is that my NM was very pre-occupied with 'showing that things were perfect' when infact they were 'far from perfect' - instead of spending time 'with me' -- looking after me and showing me she loved me with cuddles or kind words, looks and other ways of showing it - she was very controlling - very curt in her manner, very cold.  I don't remember being hugged by her - and if she did touch me, it felt 'sharp and bony' and 'cold' and 'tense'.  She could control me with a look - just her tone of voice - I was scared to step out of line. 

So the doll - it looked perfect, and I thought 'she must love me - to have done that for me' - but you know - that doll was to show how brilliant she was at sewing, how brilliant she was in showing how much she loved me - I never 'felt it'. 

Most people would look at the doll and think - That little girl - she's so lucky.  That is what people thought, I think - that my life was fine. 

But it was FAR FROM FINE.  It was broken.  I was broken. 

Now the doll sits in my old bedroom - and  probably their Grand-daughter now looks at the doll, because she is now a replacement that they've found - to take the place of the 2 daughters that are now displaced - will she like the doll, will she be loved too?  I don't believe so.  It will all be for 'appearance sake'.

I feel despondent as I write this - I feel upset. 

But I think it's good to be in touch with these emotions, with these feelings - because at least I'm 'feeling them now' - previously I was 'like that doll' - thinking I was in a gilded cage - even though I felt trapped, somehow they had me held there in a suspended animation - lifeless - frozen.

At least now I'm living, feeling, and I can finally 'see'.

It's good to write this, and I wrote it here because my little inner child, whom I'm going to call "Little Hope" - she wanted me to write it for her.

Hope 

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share the fact that I've always had difficulty with 'social occasions/events' - I've opted out of many of them, and I know that they trigger me - I think there are emotional flashbacks connected to this fear - but it is even strong enough to generalise to 'online' social places - e.g. whilst I will go and 'read' the Porch area entries, and I'll feel very emotional whilst reading those, I've not actually 'gone there' myself - i.e. not written anything there - I have noticed this, and wondered about it, because I think it is a very exaggerated fear of 'attending' social events to be like that.

I 'can' do it - i.e. go to something social, but I haven't done so for quite a long time.  I much prefer meeting friends on a one-to-one basis, and even then, I know that I'm often dissociated for the first half an hour or so of sitting down with them, and it's only about half an hour into the conversation that I can then 'relax' and be more 'in tune' and 'present' in the interaction.  So it's noticeable for me.

Thankfully I'm not a 'hermit' - and I do get out and go and do things - like shopping, and other things I need to do.  I managed to work a full-time very demanding job for a long time - but I've not been working now for a while.  I used to avoid social occasions at work - preferring to just do the day to day work - and avoid the social side.

I just wanted to talk about that, more openly in here.  Thanks for reading.  I think I'm feeling braver to put out some of my vulnerabilities.  Rather than my 'coping face' that I might portray otherwise.

Hope 

I wasn't sure where to write this.  I wrote in my Journal the following today:

"Also, I am scared to let my creativity out - and I think that is down to a fear to do with an occasion when I attended a Art therapy group (just one session) and it really frightened me as I painted myself screaming a torrent of 'stuff' out of my mouth - it really scared me.  Hence I worry about painting and 'allowing' myself to 'let go' in a creative sense.  But yet, I really want to - because I think being creative would be good for me."

I am wondering what holds me back - is it the 'fear' of what 'will come out' if I allow myself to be creative?  Or is it the fact that when I was a small child my F 'accidentally' burned my childhood stories that I'd written (and I had believed a was good at writing then, as the teachers had praised me on my writing) - but then the fire blazed and they were all gone. 

Is it that I fear I won't be 'any good' when I write?  What is it?  The same for drawing and painting - I'd like to - and I did do both when I was a child and also until I was about 17 years of age, and then after that - nothing.  I've dabbled occasionally - and I enjoy it when I do it, but somehow I don't pursue it - and I'd like to.

Again, maybe it's the procrastination thing - I was talking about that in my diary too - something holding me back, telling me 'don't bother' 'why bother' 'you can't do it' etc.

I know it's hard to answer these questions, when I can't answer them myself, but I just wanted to share this dilemma here, and ask if anyone relates, and how you've tackled it, or what you've done to get 'over it'.

I feel as if I'm being 'held back' by some invisible cord that won't let me express myself, in any way.  It's a weird thing.

I need to let myself loose and get free of it, but I'm not entirely sure what it is that's contstraining me. 

Hope 

Hi everyone,
Thanks to the recommendation by WhoBuddy, I have bought this book, and it's arrived today.  I am excited about this, as I am looking forward to reading it, and I suggested to WhoBuddy that I'd open a thread to enable us to discuss the book, and I know that WhoBuddy has some contributions to make, and I also hope that anyone else reading it will pop by, as well as anyone who relates to the thread.  I'm not sure when I'll start reading it, but hopefully soon.
Hope 

Yesterday, I decided, for the first time, to go online and research about an organisation called the 'Paedophile Information Exchange' (PIE) - this was a brave step for me, as I have never done this before - I have only seen a newspaper item about it before, and had been triggered into a massive reaction as a result of thoughts that came from discovering that such an organisation existed.

Anyway, yesterday I managed to do an online search and I printed out the Wikipedia page related to the PIE - although I've not properly read the contents - I ended up also finding a place where there was a list of the people on the list, and I was having a look to see if my F's name was there - which was a very triggering thing - caused me to experience quite a bit of anxiety - and I feel that again, as I think back to that, and remember how that felt.  Anyway, his name wasn't there.  I was relieved actually - but then I thought - that I remain convinced that the 'book in brown paper' that he kept in his bedroom drawer, and which he had actively encouraged me to read (and I don't know what age I was at that time) - but it definitely had words which talked about stimulating a very young child - and I am wondering if the book was published 'by' the PIE organisation. 

Now I'm wondering if I can get to know what publications they did - but I realise how ridiculous this must sound - because surely I couldn't find the book - there's part of me that thinks if I find the book, and see what it was - then I can somehow reassure my 'wounded parts' or 'inner children' (not sure what to term those parts of myself) that it wasn't right.

I feel really emotional now - as if I've touched a very sore and wounded part of myself - I guess I didn't really process things last night - when I was looking online.  Now I'm faced with some of the emotional feelings - I feel a very big lump in my throat, and emotion surging upwards.

I think I'll stop looking any further for now - try to pace myself - and start again when I feel a bit stronger.

Maybe my F wasn't connected at all to this organisation, but I just wonder where that book came from, and how it could have contained information encouraging adult men to sexually abuse children.  I realise as I write this, that I might sound very 'naive' - but I feel as if there are competing parts of me reacting to this.

I feel sure that the whole post is one that would be potentially triggering, so I hope that my trigger warning in the title has meant that those who don't wish to be triggered won't have read it. 

Hope 

I'm not sure where to post this, hence putting it in 'general discussion' - but I've been thinking about myself and how I perceive my own personality, and acknowledging that there are 'different' parts of me, that almost make me think of a dissociated set of 'characters' - i.e. there's the 'strong' part that I think helped me to cope with the dysfunctional nature of my childhood and getting through different stages in life.  There is also a very fragile part, which makes me wonder 'how' I cope with things, and puts doubt in my mind as to whether I 'can' cope.  There's a part that never wants me to be 'out of control' - and seems like she prevents me from exploring certain things - preferring to keep me 'safe' and there's an 'out of control' part of me, that might say - 'Go on, have that alcohol or over-eat or stay up excessively late'.  That latter part of me rarely gets control, as I'm 'too scared' to lose control, or feel that I might be out of control.

I was talking to my partner yesterday about how I feel that I was 'strong' to have coped with my childhood, and that I didn't fight them, I was passive and didn't want to disrupt the status quo - unlike my sister who fought our parents, and was ejected from the family as a result of that.  He said he was surprised to hear me talk of being 'strong' in that circumstance, as he was able to matter-of-factly say that my sister's circumstances were different to my own - she was essentially brought up by her Grand-parents for the first few years of her life - hence being returned to my parents when she was about 9 years old, that would have been difficult - I was with them the whole time.

Actually I'm surprised where I've ended up - in terms of writing this, I wasn't intending to write about my sister in this thread, but I have.  So I'll leave it there.

I know that I relate to those films about Dissociative Identity - like the film 'Sybil' and others like that - I've always been fascinated by how people 'are' - the parts of themselves they 'show' to others in different situations - and the sides of themselves they keep back/hidden. 

I just wanted to write about it, and see if anyone relates, and just share my thoughts/feelings about it for a bit.  So thanks for reading this, and it was good to write about it.

Hope 

I remember watching a film when I was very small - and the content of the film was extremely scary to me - I have recently googled to see if I can find out what the film was, and I think it was called 'The Old Dark House', and I think it was the 1963 version of that film - as I recognised the actress Joyce Grenfell's picture from some slides online.

Unfortunately it says that the DVD won't play on most versions of UK DVDs, so I'm not going to order it from America or Canada (which seem to be the only places that stock it on Amazon).

But in anycase, I'm wondering if it would be 'beneficial' to watch it again now as an adult - my partner thinks it might help me, and it's been me who has been wondering about this - because I just think it might help me to watch it as an adult and to tell myself, and my inner children, that it's nothing to be frightened of now.

I just wondered what you think - so anyone reading this, please let me know what you think. 

However, as I said before, I don't think I can get hold of that film in anycase - so it is probably not going to happen, that I'll be able to watch it again...

Hope 

I've started reading this book: "Reparenting The Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments" by Caroline Archer and Christine Gordon (published 2013).

Just wanted to make a few notes, of things I found personally interesting - and I value any comments or reflections from anyone.

p 60 of book:  "Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments by Caroline Archer & Christine Gordon (2013).

P60 of book
"By school age, children's behaviour can appear highly 'organised' and 'structured' (e.g. Lyons-Ruth et.al. 1999), since they have evolved adaptive survival strategies that confer an illusory sense of control in an otherwise unpredictable and hostile environment."

At a personal level, I really relate to that - I think I ended up 'appearing' to be 'coping' and 'organised' but underneath I was scared, I was unsure, and my home-life felt very chaotic and unsafe. 

The book also says "Children who feel listened to and 'held in mind' by caregivers able to accept and verbalise their deep-seated, unspoken fears, learn to identify and make sense of the chaos of their inner and outer lives."

I don't believe that I was given the opportunity to be 'held in mind' by my FOO - I wasn't able to have my deep-seated unspoken fears accepted or verbalised, and I've kept this 'unspoken' for decades - even now, I can 'write' about my inner world and thoughts and feelings, but I rarely 'speak them out loud' - and if I try to speak them 'out loud' my voice cracks, tears come, and my throat tightens up.  I feel like my body has had to 'hold things in' 'repress them' and it's been a heavy load to carry through my life.

I decided to read this book - because I have no parenting experience of my own (no children) and yet I feel as if I want to learn more on behalf of my inner children, and I would like to understand what they've been through, and how I can help to reparent them as an adult.  So that's partly why I chose this book - although I admit, I gravitate to books on self-help all the time, but I feel that I am ready to process things more now, and to move forward and hopefully continue on a healing path.

Hope 

Hi - I have just started reading "The Trauma Myth: The Truth About the Sexual Abuse of Children and its Aftermath" which I heard about following one of Andy's posts - thank you Andy.

Just wanted to say that I've only read a small part, and I was in tears when I read this sentence: "After more than three decades of silence, Frank was ready to talk" (referring to a person who was sexually abused as a child, and had plucked up the courage to participate in Dr Clancy's research on CSA - just that sentence - mentioning the 3 decades of 'silence' - it made me cry and shudder from the inside out - it reminded me of something that Levine had written in his book about 'waking the Tiger' - where the body can really react - it felt like a primal reaction in myself.  It was powerful.

The other thing I realised was that a huge part of me was 'afraid' to read this book - I've avoided books on CSA for much of my life - and then started to read many books - about Complex PTSD and also CSA - and I was reminding myself that my Big Mama Bear was there if I felt afraid - Wife2 helped me find Big Mama Bear - she is helpful to me. 

However, I've stopped reading now, because I need to protect myself and read at a pace that feels ok. 

I hope this is the right place to put this post - but if you'd rather it was in the Sexual Abuse section, please do move it - if you want to. 

I just wanted to start this thread here so I could put any comments about the book and any issues that come as I read it - and I hope that others will feel ok to contribute and reply as they want to - I value replies, and am interested to hear people's thoughts.

Hope