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I have some stomach pain today - not sure why.  I hope it gets better.  Now I've come here to write, I find I can't think of what I want to say.  So I'll just leave it there, and maybe come back later or another day.  I just wrote about a dream in my dream journal (different part of the forum) and somehow I feel quite sad now.  I think it was because part of me really wanted me to add that dream there, but there's a part that is very upset about it (at the same time). 

Actually I have been processing quite a few things in past days, and so I guess I am feeling some physical effects of that.  Hence I suspect that might be why my stomach is painful. 

I have read some very emotional autobiographies lately too - I read one by Richard E. Grant, where he talks about his relationship with his wife and how he coped during her cancer journey and subsequent death, and I cried a lot whilst reading that.  I also read Sharon Stone's autobiography and found that to be poignant as well. 

I find it interesting that when I started to try to read Mary Bratton's book (about CSA) that I then managed to read it for a while, but then ended up reading lots of autobiographies (these 2 plus I think a few more) and haven't gone back to Mary Bratton's book - it's like I can only manage to read it occasionally before the part that wants to rub things out, makes me distracted and gets me to read other things.  I know I'm in control of my bus driving, but somehow I am distracted from Mary's book.  At least I can see the book - I haven't lost it/misplaced it.  I might read some more.  I find it helpful.

Last night I had a dream that involved being in a train and travelling somewhere with my partner.  It was however really scary because the train was travelling extra fast, and I was aware we were due to get off, but then I thought I needed my jacket, which I had left in a compartment, and so we were almost running/rushing through the compartments to get to the right place to bring my jacket.  There was a man and his teenage son sitting where we had sat, and I grabbed at what I thought was my jacket, and took it - only to realise I'd taken the teenage son's jacket by mistake, and then I had to run back to return it.  Meanwhile, the train was going so fast, and I began to fear we'd missed our station.  There was also some kind of announcement that the train had literally done a 360 loop, somewhat similar to a roller coaster, but I remember exclaiming that it couldn't have done that, that I would never have agreed to go on a train that would do that.  Then my partner saying 'Yes, but it did do that' - and I then thought that somehow my conscious brain had rubbed that part out, and therefore I was saved from experiencing that bit.

Anyway, that dream was hyper real, and when I told my partner about it - he said 'Wow, that sounds exciting'. 

I felt a need to put this dream here, so I have. 

Hi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.

I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.

Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope

Welcome She 

Welcome Trius 

Hi Dalloway,
I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok     I related a lot to what you wrote in your last posting here in your journal - the powerful impact of the terrible feelings and emotions and their physical effect, and how that's difficult to describe with words, but I think you described it in a way that made it very relateable and clear.  I am glad that you were able to open the valve a little, and that you feel some relief from that, but I also very much feel that you acknowledged the fear concerning the potential death of the little baby.  I am so glad that you were able to survive everything you've been through, and that you can be here today.   

I hope that nothing I've said here is upsetting, as I read what you wrote earlier today, and couldn't find any words, but I've come back and tried to write something, because I wanted you to know that I related and that I feel support towards you.

Hope

Hi Blueberry,
There is so much in what you wrote, and I am so glad you were able to take those actions and get the help you needed, and I think it's a very big thing to have done that.  I am sending you a hug as well 
Hope

Take care CactusFlower.   

 

Hi SanMagic & SenseOrgan,
Thank you both for what you said.  I appreciate your support.
  
Hope

Hi SanMagic,
That's great that you are sleeping better.  You're doing a lot at the moment, and I hope you are able to get all the things you want to do done, but most importantly that you get some restful breaks.
 
Hope

Hi StartingHealing,
I hope that the Universe will figure some positive things to come your way.  I admire your cautiousness, as listening to your gut and vetting things is by no means a bad thing. 
Sending you a hug of support 
Hope

17th June 2025
So I'm still having night terrors, but less intense, and quite often I'm not aware of them - i.e. my partner tells me what's happened in the night, and sees me experiencing some night terrors, but thankfully I don't necessarily have knowledge of those things the next day - but I do like to know whether I had them or not - I don't ask him, he just tells me.

But it's much improved from how it used to be in past years - i.e. I no longer end up jumping out of bed (and potentially hurting myself in the process of that) - I tend to have relatively short lived experiences, and as I mentioned, I don't necessarily have awareness of them in the same way that I used to.  I think this is progress.

I am reading Mary Bratton's book about CSA at the moment, and I have noticed that whereas in the past I would have felt too scared to read it - I am currently able to read it and stay present whilst doing so.  I think I am therefore managing my emotions better and regulating them in the window of tolerance rather than outside of that.  However I also noticed that some defensive parts have come out and are more prominent in various ways in the day - BUT I am aware of them, and I take a moment to centre myself and notice that a part of me is triggered, and acknowledge it, and then it doesn't impact me the same way that it would have done in the past - i.e. I don't act on those things, and I put them in the context of being a natural reaction to some stuff.

I am trying to lose some weight at the moment, and it is difficult.  I have had a tendency to comfort eat in past years, and whilst I haven't been doing that - I notice that when I'm controlling my portion sizes and therefore feel hungry on occasions, that I have to be careful to not fill that void - i.e. is it an emotional hunger or an actual hunger.  Difficult to tell.

Mary Bratton wrote that "Survivors have disconnected feeling words from what is happening inside their bodies" and I relate to that very much.  I think it makes it more challenging then to separate out where an emotion comes from, and even what it is - what a physical feeling means etc.  But I am continually trying to link and notice my feelings inside and put labels on what they might be.  I think I am making some progress in that, but it's challenging to do.

I am making some progress in losing a bit of weight - but it's going very very slowly.  But I will keep going.

Glad to be able to update here in this journal today.
Hope

Welcome back Remberin 

Welcome Wooboyattachment-trauma,