Hope's Journal 2025

[Blueberry]

Feeling like this morning was more productive than normal - I managed to do quite a few things, including speaking to a couple of people on the telephone to sort out some things.  I rarely do that, as I resort to e-mails or letters to do that kind of thing, but somehow my brain was clearer and I was able to say what I wanted to say, and felt I was appropriately assertive about the issues, and the outcome was positive, so I feel good about it. 

Good for you, Hope Sounds like lots of progress!

[Hope67]

Thank you Blueberry 

[Hope67]

17th June 2025
So I'm still having night terrors, but less intense, and quite often I'm not aware of them - i.e. my partner tells me what's happened in the night, and sees me experiencing some night terrors, but thankfully I don't necessarily have knowledge of those things the next day - but I do like to know whether I had them or not - I don't ask him, he just tells me.

But it's much improved from how it used to be in past years - i.e. I no longer end up jumping out of bed (and potentially hurting myself in the process of that) - I tend to have relatively short lived experiences, and as I mentioned, I don't necessarily have awareness of them in the same way that I used to.  I think this is progress.

I am reading Mary Bratton's book about CSA at the moment, and I have noticed that whereas in the past I would have felt too scared to read it - I am currently able to read it and stay present whilst doing so.  I think I am therefore managing my emotions better and regulating them in the window of tolerance rather than outside of that.  However I also noticed that some defensive parts have come out and are more prominent in various ways in the day - BUT I am aware of them, and I take a moment to centre myself and notice that a part of me is triggered, and acknowledge it, and then it doesn't impact me the same way that it would have done in the past - i.e. I don't act on those things, and I put them in the context of being a natural reaction to some stuff.

I am trying to lose some weight at the moment, and it is difficult.  I have had a tendency to comfort eat in past years, and whilst I haven't been doing that - I notice that when I'm controlling my portion sizes and therefore feel hungry on occasions, that I have to be careful to not fill that void - i.e. is it an emotional hunger or an actual hunger.  Difficult to tell.

Mary Bratton wrote that "Survivors have disconnected feeling words from what is happening inside their bodies" and I relate to that very much.  I think it makes it more challenging then to separate out where an emotion comes from, and even what it is - what a physical feeling means etc.  But I am continually trying to link and notice my feelings inside and put labels on what they might be.  I think I am making some progress in that, but it's challenging to do.

I am making some progress in losing a bit of weight - but it's going very very slowly.  But I will keep going.

Glad to be able to update here in this journal today.
Hope

[sanmagic7]

hope, so glad for you that there seems to be progress with those night terrors.  i know you've struggled long and hard with them, and it does my heart good to know the entire experience is lessening. definitely shows progress.

like any of our recovery here, i believe that slow is the way to go even w/ losing weight.  it gives your body and brain a chance to readjust steadily in real time, and isn't as stressful or shocking to either.  way to go!

keep up the good work, ok?  being able to read such a book, acknowledge the parts which want to have their say, and being able to manage your emotions around what you're reading sounds like so much progress.  i'm so proud of you, my dear.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

What a relief it must be that the night terror issue has improved!
Being able to read the book and stay present speaks volumes about your emotion regulation ability. Your mindful navigation of triggers and defense mechanisms is an impressive achievement, especially in regards to the context. Next level stuff!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic & SenseOrgan,
Thank you both for what you said.  I appreciate your support.
  
Hope