Sceal's Journal

[sanmagic7]

honey, you've been under so much pressure lately, i'm not surprised your brain is craving sugar.  you've been using a lot of brain power from studying.

good luck today.  thinking of you, wishing you well.  lovely warm hug to you.

[Sceal]

You're right.
The adjustment to feeling better and actually acknowledging the progress I've made. Mixed with the knowledge that next week I will have to use my voice and talk about my traumas. It is of my own choosing, but it still scares me. It still worries me. The exam pressure, the inner critics, the constant judgement, and the denial and avoidant behaviour... it hasn't made matters any better.
My friends children being missing, and lack of police co-operation across borders over the week-end. It worries me. Friday I had a call from my GP regarding my surgery this year. I got the time of the year now, it'll be after the summer. But I am scared. I'm scared of the new regiment, I'm scared I'll fail everyone and myself after the big invasive procedure and that a few years down the line I am back where I started. This fear is so crippling, and it's hard to get any empathy for it. Mostly it's just "you'll do fine." or "But it's just to do..."
It's not just to do anything, all the time.
I loathe my body, but I know I have to start working on respecting it, acknowledging it's presence. Listening to it. But it's so uncomfortable, and I revert too fast into a distant kind of mind. I don't know how to describe it. I do not have any love or acceptance for it.
I am trying to sort my identity in all of this,  who am I, besides the illness. Outside of PTSD and PD? Who am I, that is ME and not what everyone else is telling me is me? And who do I want to be?

[Sceal]

I was sluggish and worn out when I woke up this morning.
I ordered a taxi to my appointment with T. It's expensive, but it was needed today.

The appointment wasn't as optimisitc as usually. I was sluggish and not easy to talk to.
We talked about the surgery and her letter of recommendation. She doesn't recommend it right now, it'll be too much with surgery and trauma-therapy. I know she's right, but I'm dissapointed. I've waited 2.5 years now. Seems I must wait longer. It's not a happy thought.
Now I don't know how long I'll have to wait.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i think your question 'who do i want to be?' is so very important.  even with our wounds and symptoms, we can still choose what kind of person we want to be.  the wounds and symptoms are there, and you're doing what you can to heal and alleviate what you are able.  that's recovery.

the personal part of us is more of a choice that we make and follow thru on at our own discretion.  choose the parts of your personality that you like and do what you can to bolster those parts.  as for the rest, do what you can to diminish them.  this may sound simplistic, but i think it's at the heart of who we are and who we want to be.

i hope your exam went well.  i'm not surprised at your exhaustion.  you've put in a lot of work, expended a huge amount of energy.

best to you with your surgery.  it's usually scary, i think, cuz we have to give up complete control. 

i also think accepting our bodies is a good thing.  it's the first step to caring about and for them.

keep taking care of you as best you can, sweetie.  sending a hug full of warmth and love.

[Sceal]

I am not sure who I want to be. Someone good, smart, but that's too vague. It's hard stuff to figure out, never the less who I am.

The exam didn't go. I had to withdraw. So... I have to re-do it next semester.  I feel sad, frustrated, dissapointed.

I'm not afraid of the surgery, or doctors. I'm familiar with doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals. I know how to relate to them and talk to them more than I know how to talk to anyone else. I told a friend I'm not worried about being admitted to the hospital. I'm not scared of being sick. He looked at me like I was weird.  I've had so many doctors, nurses, psychologists and psychiatrist all through my life - that is what's normal to me. Even if they weren't able to give me the correct diagnosis at the time - they were there when no one else was. I depend on them. And I know I depend on them too much.  I know others here have a very, very different experience with them. I susect also, that I'm more comfortable around them because I don't have to let them in. I can distance myself from them personally. Makes it less scary.

[Three Roses]

Sorry to hear about the exam, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Three Roses.
I kind of wish I hadn't told everyone on the planet I'm taking my exam now, double shame

[sanmagic7]

no shame to me, sceal.  sorry it didn't go, tho.

i know what you mean about being familiar with the medical profession.  i think i learned as many medical terms in spanish as i did conversational words while i lived in mexico!

personally, i was never scared of surgery, but that's cuz i never really felt fear and i trusted everyone.  now, it's a bit different.  coming back to the states, being faced with the cancer surgery was exceptionally stressful for me, anxiety-producing, and frightening.  this has been a real culture shock, coming back here.  everything's so different - i hardly know what to expect about anything.

just sending you well wishes for everything you're facing, and standing right beside you, sweetie.  love and hugs to you.

[Sceal]

Thank you, that means alot

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,  I also want to send you hugs       and wish you strength for everything you're going through. 
Hope 

[Sceal]

  Thank you, Hope.
I dissociated pretty strongly during group today. I had little control over my body, and I wasn't present. I wasn't in deep thought. I just existed outside time. And every once in a while I surfaced and became confused to where I was and if it was real.
They took good care of me. And it took hours before I managed to come back to myself.
Well, I am still feeling a little distant and things are unreal.

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad they took good care of you, sweetie.  we'll get thru this.  love and a big hug.

[Hope67]

Well done for getting through that Sceal, and  to you.
Hope 

[Sceal]

I don't even remember writing. 

[Sceal]

Looking back on this week.. It's been hectic, overwhelming, painful at times, and challenging. Yet, I find my self in a decent mood.
I don't really remember much of what happened when. I can't place it in a timeline if I don't look in my calendar. There are some blank periods here and there. I'm not sure what to make out of that. I've been doing good of being less dissociative lately.

Thursday was hard though. I went to the SA center to talk to my SA lady. We talked about my body, my feelings towards that. A little about my issues with food, and some about my fear of the upcoming surgery - or rather the time after the surgery.  I was supposed to go dancing an hour after my meeting. I had my gym shoes and everything. But after the meeting I was... vulnerable. I sat down in a chair to avoid going out in the cold. And I couldn't get back up again. I beat myself up and up and up about not moving my feet and getting to the place in time, or paying the fee before going over. I cried, though I tried to hide it since I was in public. Another SA lady saw me and talked to me briefly, I said it was just difficult right now. She was going on break and she'd come back she said. instead she went and got my SA lady. She talked to me again for a few minutes - she made me feel better. Or at least less awful, and made a plan anew. But I still couldn't get anywhere. So my friend came and picked me up. We drove up to his and he made me dinner before driving me home.

I really didn't want to wake up on Friday. But the lecture at the university was about taking care of people after they've been through a crisis. So that sounded interessting and I went. I am glad I went. They talked about ASR and PTSD. I got to ask some questions afterwards and I enjoyed it.  Went to lunch and the movies with dad. I tried my best, and I don't think he noticed anything. Although he was dissapointed that I hadn't gone dancing the day before. He wants me to be more physically active. He's doesn't like that I'm fat. Well, dad, neither do I!

Today I went on a 4 hour long mindfulness and self-compassion course. It's part of a research study for someone at the university. They are all very nice. It was challenging. I noticed all the achy and painful places in my body. But I managed to do all the tasks that had to do with noticing stuff within my body. Feeling my body, and knowing that it's mine. It's a big, big thing. I've only started being able to feel my legs touchign the ground and my * touching the seat of a chair in the last year. Otherwise it's just been when I've been injured or am sick.  But when it came to at the end to feel self-compassion towards myself.. I dissoaciated. I couldn't do it. It was too much. At the end we were allowed to give feedback and share our experiences. Very few did. But I did. I said that it all went very well up until the point that I had to be self-compassionate towards myself. That there was a wall that I ran straight into, and then walked into the completely oposite direction of self criticisism. I hope me daring to share, and daring to be open about it.. will make it easier for others next time. And not just sharing the "this was a new experience, it was fascinating, but it's slow learning", but more personal experience. Admitting that it's difficult. The psychologist leader talked and affirmed that it's a normal process.
I got a few smiles on the way out.  and I felt pretty great afterwards.
I even headed up to my parents. I had heard the ice was thick enough on the lake to skate on. my dream! Finally!
I was on the ice maybe 5 minutes before I fell and twisted my ankle. The ice wasn't very good ice, it was woobbly and uneven, and loads of snow on the ice so I couldn't properly see, adding it up with me not having skated in years... My ankle throbs now. but it's not as big of an injury as it could have been. I just laughed it off.

But... i got to be on the ice for 5 minutes. And those 5 minutes were peaceful and quiet.