Sceal's Journal

[DecimalRocket]

That's interesting info Sceal. I've been researching into health lately myself - now that my motor delays are more handled for less frustrating exercise and my taste oversensitivity isn't making me throw up new food easily as much. So thanks for all that.

Interesting how dreams tell us so much about ourselves. There are dream guides out there, but the most reliable seem to be when you define the symbols of the dream yourself. It reminds me of that time I lucid dreamed once - where I was aware that I was in a dream.  People say it's a myth, but I've tried and seen it for myself, and I trust first hand info more than anything. I'm not advanced, but apparently being lucid allows you to control a dream to question characters what they represent in your psyche and control nightmares to something good. Wonder if that's true?

Well, take care, Sceal.

[Sceal]

I don't put too much into dream-analysis to be honest. If you're to believe Freud then everything in dreamland is about unfulfilled sex urges, and he was the first to put the importance on dreams whereas psychology is concerned.
I remember most of my dreams. I can still recall dreams I had as a child quite vividly, mostly the good ones. The nightmares I tend to forget after a week or two. Although most of my dreams are rather abstract like most people's they tend to have a theme that's recognizeable to me, and it just makes sense.
The nightmares bothers me more, simply because you wake up with a feeling of dread or awfulness. And it's never a good way to start any day.

I've had one or two incidents though, where I've been completly paralyzed physically, and asleep. But still aware of what's been going on around me. I suspect I was trapped in REM like stage. As the REM-stage of sleep paralyzes your muscles. I fell asleep during a skype call once, and I could hear the conversation on the other end in a different language than mine (that I could understand) and I was having trouble connecting their conversation to my reality (which is not a big surprise, because I wasn't involved ) I've also had dreams that are so incredible lifelike that when I wake up, I have no idea whether it was real or if it was a dream. Those dreams are creepy as *.

I am happy to help with health-information. I'm quite fond of the subject of health. I find it interessting and important. We all have it, so we should all try to take care of it to the best of our ability and knowledge if possible. I think health (be it mental or physical) is one of my top 3 values in life.
----

Group went alright today. I had cancelled due to the fact I'm a little under the weather. But when I woke up this morning, I was feeling well enough to go. The mindfulness tasks were rather nice today. It reminded me that I should try to lessen the judgemental thoughts in regards to the oncoming exam, and try to lessen the disspointment I have within me.
We talked alot about emotions today. About how it reacts within the system, and then also about shame and happiness. It was quite nice. And it inspired me more to stop and look within to see what is it that I am actually feeling? Something that I've been averse to doing most of my life because I haven't quite been able to handle it.
There is a girl in group, a new one, and she's very reflective around her thoughts, emotions and her processes. She seems to have come so much further than the rest of us has. It's fascinating, and I wish I had more time in group with her before my time is up. Because I learn from her way of thinking so much. It's inspiring. She's thoughtful and deliberate.

I saw my T yesterday. She gave me a compliment of saying that she thinks I'm very strong cognitively. It means alot to me. Because it's the one trait I hope and try to achieve. I'm not overly smart and clever, I take my time in understanding. But once I do, I connect it to all sorts of other areas in life.  It felt wonderful to hear her say it, because it means alot.

I also saw my old GP yesterday, he is now my specializt in ear, nose, throat - and is treating all of my allergies and asthma. I've known him for 14 years now, and he has been there for me through the roughest parts of my life. And I will forver be grateful to him. He too was showering me with compliments yesterday. It was nice. It felt good talking to him again. It'll be a year until I see him again, unless something happens health wise.

My M told me today that she's on new anti-depressants. My S had told her a while ago that she doesn't smile anymore, and that had struck a chord with her. And I told my M on the phone today that we've been rather worried, but unsure of how to handle it. She's also eventually going to get a referral to a therapist. It's 5 years late, but at least... it might actually be happening this time. I hope so, for her sake. And for the rest of the family.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like things are moving right along for you, sceal, and i'm so glad.  cognitive strength - i totally see that.   and it's always nice to have someone in the group like that for inspiration.  i think it can urge us on, a sort of motivation, to take an extra risk or two at times.

i've read about sleep paralysis - it's a thing - but i don't remember anything about what i read.  it sounds like it would feel so weird to be stuck in such a place like that.

keep going, my dear sceal.  i think you're doing really well.  and, always, good luck with studying.  warm loving hug to you filled with retention abilities for you exam.

[Sceal]

Thank you San, for being so supportive. And for always cheering me on. It means a lot!

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal. It's okay for you to be honest against me— it's great you're forming your own opinion. I'm not talking about Freud and his sexual ideas or even a psychology perspective on dreams. I was talking about how business people and artists use their dreams as inspiration to find solutions in their businesses or creativity in their arts.

I do the same thing with solving problems in my life — as multilple biographies and advice books on it point to its ability to do so in life. Something about the lack of logic in dreams allow for a new angle in perspective when you pretend that your dreams are chosen symbols to think of ideas. But if you still think otherwise — I respect that.

Sceal, I'm glad to hear you're doing great with your therapist and other people on by. Especially since you seemed to lack trust with people.

I agree that you have something going cognitively there. There are genuises out there with IQs over 150 working as cashiers on Mcdonalds because even if they are smart, they put no effort into using it. Intelligence to me — requires effort — which I'm pretty sure you have, and brains can become smarter over time with practice.

Take care, Sceal. You're doing great. 

[Sceal]

Rocket, thank you for allowing me to be honest! It's a big thing.
I will reply to you in full in a couple of days.

Thursday I was so bone tired when I got home. I sorted some papers so I can apply to get refunded for my health expanses last year. And I cut my hair. Sitting in the hairdressers chair is always awful. I can't hide from the bright light. And I always sit awkwardly in the chair. But a new cut was needed.
If I put on my glasses now I look like Welma from Scooby-Doo. Which the geeky side of me finds funny. But my cut is now accidentally close to my mom's. And I really, really don't like that. It's very silly, I know but I can't help it.

I had an appointment at the SA center yesterday too. It wasn't very productive. I think that's because I have now come to the place where I have to take charge of the conversations. the topics and all. And I am in a bubble right now... So I don't know what to do, what to focus on. I don't know how to move forward. Maybe I am without knowing...?

I could barely stand up right when I got home yesterday. And the thought of waking up at 530 to reach uni was daunting and not very welcoming.

But I did it. Sleep was okay. It was replenishing enough. But I had little to no focus in today's lecture.  And after lecture and group work I fled to the countryside. I'm at my parents cabin. Alone.

I am going to spend time studying for my exam. Starting tomorrow. I am still weak physically, mentally and spiritually today.
I feel vulnerable, and not the good kind

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal. It seems you're having a tough time. Mind I give you some study advice on why breaks are actually good for studying?

In the free online course, Learning How to Learn, they distinguish between a focused and diffuse mode. Focused mode is when a student actively tries to learn something. Diffuse mode is when they take a general mental break and relax.

The focused mode is seen as essential, but the diffuse mode is too. The diffuse mode allows the mind's subconscious to reorganize the information to become more clear. That's why after a break of things being too hard— many students find that the info or problem becomes more clear to them.
And of course — sleep is the most powerful form of diffuse mode there is.

Well, hope you can rest. 

[Sceal]

Thank you Rocket. It was a nice reminder. It took me quite a few hours yesterday, but I manage to get some work done. Enough that I needed. That was realistic of me to achieve.

I have discovered a fault that I have. And perhaps part of the reason why it doesn't stick. It's that once I am done reading a section or a chapter I don't stop and ponder what it all means. I don't stop to put meaning to it in my mind. And I don't stop to retell myself what I just read and learned. Because it requires so much brain power, and it takes so much time.

But me stressing over how little I am able to process and read also require brain power.
So I somehow have to learn to allow myself to read shorter sections and sit with it for a few minutes before returning or taking a break.

I just wonder... Is it too late to start with this now, a week before the exam?

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i don't think it's ever too late.  it might be just the right time, actually.  i'd encourage you to give it a shot for a day or two, see if it makes a difference.  nothing's written in stone with this stuff - i think most of it is experimental, cuz we're exploring options to see what works best for ourselves. 

one week, huh.  fingers crossed and prayers flying.  you're making progress.  love and a warm hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Sceal]

I got my exam in a week now. And I'm not as scared or stressed as I should be. I wonder if that is because I've used what they call «radical accept» in DBT in regards to this situation. I don't have very much hope that I will pass, I'm fairly certain that I will flunk. Simply explained there are 16 broad topics I need to know in bredth and debth. I know maybe 5. And I'm not so sure I got the academic skills to explain myself either.  It feels as if I need both to learn my own language all over again, as well as learning my academic subjects. It's a challenge that's a little too steep for me, and I catch myself in wondering if I am going to manage it all. Realistically. And then I sometimes wonder, what if I just #¤%# realistically and just try anyway? For a long time now I've had no clue where I'm going, or what I am even doing. But I think I might have a little direction now. But I'll get back to that.

So, since it's my exam in a week. I borrowed my moms car and drove out to the cabin alone. It's situated on an archipelagio of islands outside my city. It's a section of the island where there's a bunch of cabins. I actually don't know how many cabins there are. There seems to be little activty here this week-end. I saw a few people earlier today when I went for a walk in the fresh salty cold air. Three guys who's been out fishing. Two joggers, two people one different cabin-section, and I could hear the voices of two children. But it's Sunday as I write this, and they probably have all driven home for the week to start by now.  There is no light pollution here. And the darkness in the night it's deep. The only sound I hear is that of the wind and the waves of the ocean, and the rain when it hits. I have only been afraid of the dark a few times in my life, and most of those times it wasn't the dark that scared me, or what was hiding in it. But the fact I had to sleep, and would then be defenceless. But today, I do feel a little of the fear of the dark. It really is difficult to describe how dark it is when there is NO light pollution. The only light there is, is that which I've turned on inside the cabin. My ex thought it was super frightening when he was with me out here. He didn't like it at all. I've grown up on the outskirts of town, so I'm used to it being dark. But there was always the streetlamps, or the lamps outside the houses, however dim.

I needed to come out here for more reasons than I thought. I was a little worried when I drove out here, last time I was here I got drunk alone on gin and got a terrible EF and became extremely suicidal. I was worried something similar were to happen again. But it hasn't. Instead, it's given me some understanding. I'm still restless, I feel like I should do alot of things. I feel I should have read more, made better notes. I should have read in the other book, hiked more. I should have eaten less crap, spent less money. And the guilt is eating me up. But at the same time... I have done what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. If I wanted to read a book out of enjoyment, I did that. If I wanted to look at the stars I did that. If I wanted to take a nap, I did that too. And if I wanted to study... I did. And for that there was no guilt. It was... different. I wish I could stay here longer, but I'll have to go home tomorrow evening as I have an appointment with my T on Tuesday morning.

I've spent alot of money this month. And we're only 18 days in. I've spent all my money, and usually I can save a fair bit. And I still need to spend some money. It worries me, this excess use of money I've been getting used to. And at the same time, I am so worn out by constantly worrying about the financials. Constantly monitoring what I've been buying. And constantly avoiding to buy things for me, that I enjoy. Like books. I haven't bought books for pleasure for years. And it hurts.

So back to the first paragraph a bit. I know I wrote about a month ago that I want to have some meaning with my life. I need a purpose for my work-life. I need to help people. Somehow.
I think I've figured out the start of where to begin. I still have a lot to figure out, but it's exciting. And I need to figure out wether once I'm done with my education if someone would hire me part-time for this kind of work. But I feel hope and a curiosity for the future. I can't see far yet. Truly I can't. I can only see a week in advance at a time. Which makes it hard to plan for anything, or to make any big goals and stepping stones towards it. But I hope that this is it, that this is what I'm supposed to do. It feels right, but then again... so did so many other things too and they weren't. So how do I really know? When will I know?

This became long, but I needed to write it out.
I don't know whom of my friends I can talk to about this yet. I feel quite alone in this aspect of socialness. And I long for someone that I could call and talk to about these matters. Maybe I'll find him or her soon.

P.S My lecturer said on Friday that the saying «time heal all wounds» is *. I felt relieved when he said that. That it in a way, is accepted by some, that time hasn't healed my wounds.

[Sceal]

I haven't been able to study much the last two days. It bothers me a little, but I'll try and keep going anyway. 

I went to my T early this morning. It was a good conversation, she was a little worn and concerned from her previous patient. I saw who she had, and that girl was clearly struggling today. And I know she can be a handful to deal with.  We discussed emotions, I said I find it hard sometimes to know the simple nuances, or when they aren't so strong and intense. I can't always make out what I feel. She used herself as an example and admitted she was feeling a little concerned and sad. I didn't have to ask why, I guessed it had to do with her previous patient to do. We talked about how sometimes the physical activation that we feel in our bodies can be interpeted in different ways. And that the most recent theory on emotions says that the way we think and believe about the signals our body sends us is what makes us experience the emotion. It's a mouthfull, I know. But I think they might be on to something, perhaps not all the signals.. The activation for fear is drastically different to playful curiosity for example.

I told her about the gallery show, and she got very excited for me. I said I felt like I had achieved a little feeling of competence. She arrested me on that, "It's not alittle!", and she's right. I do feel wonderful about achieving it. I told her I hadn't worked towards perfection this time, but to finish something instead and send it in. Any endevours in art to be judged by others is quite vulnerable. But my mindset that it wasn't supposed to be technically awesome helped me I think. And I think it also is helping me enjoy this moment.

I asked her how the future looks like, in regards to trauma therapy. How does it work, how do we do it? What can I expect, and could we do something so I can prepare myself between each session, because that's the way I feel I get the most out of therapy. If I do something proactive rather than just spilling out the poison. I think she apprechiated me asking, and we talked about it for a while.
I admitted that I have a cunning ability to avoid the topics I fear or doesn't want to talk about. Because I don't know how, i don't know how to start, I don't know what to say. There are words I aren't able to utter, or even write down. And then it's the whole emotional aspect of it too. The shame, fear, guilt, sadness.. All of it.
We agreed that we'll have to keep in touch with my resources while working through this, and also be mindful of taking often breaks.
She asked me what I hope to achieve by this. And I told her most of it, I hadn't prepared for the question, so I wasn't able to fully answer her. I forgot to give her the answers of in the future being able to have intimate relationships again, and in general be able to have any relationship.

I felt great afterwards. Hopeful. A spring in my step! The day felt wonderful, despite poor sleep. I popped by the store and bought some tulips. One bouquet for me, and one for my mom. Drove up to her unexpectently and gave her the flowers. I told her it's becuase she's my mom, and because she asked for help. And because it's a nice day. She apprechiated that. We talked about various things. Lack of communication, relations to other family members. The terrorist attack that affected my family 5 years ago.
Scratching things on the surface. But perhaps it's progress in that too? Who knows!

my resting time is up, and I need to delve back into reading and writing notes about attitudes.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, the progress you are making seems to be moving ahead in leaps and bounds.  it's so wonderful to see.

that cabin sounded so beautiful.  i love the dark, that total blackness with nothing but stars and moon in the sky.  it's a different kind of feeling surrounding one. 

kudos to you for persevering with your studying, for going ahead with your exam.  who knows what might happen?  you won't till you do it.   sometimes things will simply pop out of our minds when we need them.  i hope that happens for you.

and a big congrats on your gallery piece, even more on your attitude toward it. 

i also loved that you talked to your t about everything.  i know that some people here have used notes when they go into therapy if they're having a difficult time remembering or even saying something out loud.  it might be something that could help you with the words you have trouble saying.  just a thought.  you could talk about that with you t beforehand, too, what you're doing, why, and what you'd want from her about it.

good luck with learning, sceal.  sending a hug full of knowledge retention, and warm, loving, encouraging thoughts.

[Sceal]

I have written to my T on numerous occasions before. Both my current one, and all of the ones in the past. Well, maybe not all of them. But at least 90%.
I do find the written word easier, perhaps because I got such a passion and love for stories and reading in general. Plus writing it down makes it real, but it also makes it more distant. There's not display of emotion if I've gotten it written down.

The words I'm having troubles with especially, is both written and vocal. Even thinking about them sets me out, it's about practise I suppose.

It's taken a long time to get to this stage where I can talk to my T, and I've worked really hard with myself. I've had to force myself to trust her, and to trust that she wants whats best for me. She's never openly judged me, or made me feel inferior in anyway. She's managed to engage my curiosity, which I think has helped alot with my communication with her. Processes do fascinate me.  But it hasn't been easy. And I still do feel that it's a fragile state that I am in, and I do still need support and acceptance from people around me. Here on the forum, as well as in my immediate circle of people. Just as much as I did before. Previously when I've faught and clawed myself into a good period, this is generally when people fade away. So I hope it wont happen too early this time around. Perhaps I'll have to somehow communicate that to my closest people. (even though they aren't that close)

[Sceal]

I went to bed around 21 yesterday. I was so worn. So I woke up at the first alarm.
I did some  note revision, and my head became mush. I went to the DBT group, we weren't many there today since 2 participants (and including two interpreters) as well as one group leader was missing. Caught the flu, I suspect. It's going around.

I managed to have two words with my T, she had to print out something for me, and I got to tell her about some more needs I have that  I should have told her yesterday. It felt good to be able to give her the info, she seemed to apprechiate being told.

I usually don't have a study day on Wednesday, due to group. But since Exam is on Monday, I feel I should. But this feeling of SHOULD is weighing hard down on me. The only one I'll dissapoint if I fail is me. But that's a heavy burden too. And it's a balance isn't it? Should I read a little everyday, forcing my head through it. Or should I take one full day of rest and come stronger back tomorrow. But a full day of rest, means a full day of rest WITHOUT the guilt. And I am currently feeling alot of guilt.
My exam fears have hit me hard now. It took some time, longer than usual. And I suspect I should be grateful for that, but I feel sick to my stomach now. Like it is the end of the world, and it makes no sense at all. It isn't the end of the world if I fail. It's not the end of the world if I do poorly. I can always re-take it. There are options! I keep trying to tell myself that, but the emotions wont go away.
And I'm exhausted. I'm whining, I know. But it helps elivate the pressure for a few moments at least. And that is more than nothing.