Out of the Storm

...

...

....

Our brains are really fascinating! I'm no expert but I've read that trauma affects how our memories are stored. For instance, an EF happens when we are triggered by something; very often, we are not even aware of the stimulus triggering us. It can be something easily recognizable, like someone yelling, or something much more difficult to recognize, like the particular feel of a day or the way sunlight hits a surface. The emotional flashback, otherwise known as an amygdala hijack, happens in part of the brain that handles incoming danger signals, and is reacted to there before the stimulus reaches the part of the brain responsible for conscious thought.

Memories of traumatic events are sometimes processed by the brain and stored in the memory as if they are current events instead of in the past.

I know I sound like a broken record about this book, The Body Keeps The Score, but it's so good and so validating. Audio version on YouTube part 1 https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg part 2 https://youtu.be/KSo699qcHfQ

Thank you for taking your time to share your thoughts with me.

Quote from: Sceal on September 22, 2017, 05:13:00 PM
It is very fascinating in one way, although incredible painful.

I'm with you there. I find it fascinating, but wish it had nothing to do with me! OTOH I probably never would have found out about it if I weren't involved so to speak.

I have been reading some of your posts, Sceal, including bits of your Journal here, but I'm not always able to answer or respond in any way. Want to let you know though that I hear and see you.  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on September 22, 2017, 11:42:41 PM
I have been reading some of your posts, Sceal, including bits of your Journal here, but I'm not always able to answer or respond in any way. Want to let you know though that I hear and see you.  :hug:

Thank you Blueberry, that means alot.  :hug:

...

I know the feeling(s), Sceal.

Sometimes we need to sit a bit with what is.  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on September 23, 2017, 06:21:04 PM
I know the feeling(s), Sceal.

Sometimes we need to sit a bit with what is.  :hug:

:hug:

I'm so tired of this *.
Every morning when I wake up, I'm so exhausted. I try to provide my body with nutrition and coffein, yet it doesn't matter. I'm a weak pound of flesh that can hardly move my body, and my mind is just sluggish mush.

I've got stuff I need to do, and I spend such a long time completing each task I am required to start early in the morning to have a chance to get close to the goal. But I wake up in the morning, and I'm awake for an hour, maybe two, before I go back to bed or sleep on the couch. It's like my body is biologically drunk (like when you get less than 4 hours of sleep). I know my sleep patterns aren't healthy, but they are the best they've been for the past two years. I only wake up between 1-4 times a night. It takes me 2hrs instead of 4 to fall asleep. The contents of my dreams are less nightmareish, but more stressful and emotionally compromising. Yet, it's better than I've had for a long time, so why...?

Dear body, I need you to work. I need you to work, so I can work through the *. Give me the time I need each day to get through the stuff so I can create a better life longterm. I know it's not any immediate effect, I know it will be an uphill battle and a long way from here. But I need you to work, so I can do this.
I know we don't like eachother very much, but this is for your benefit too. I promise. We're in this together, regardless of whether we like it or not, body. I need you to pull through.

I have a need to share my thoughts today it seems.
I went for a long nap after I wrote the last entry and after I wrote the lengthy letter to J, that will never, ever see the light of day outside this forum.
I only hope I've made the details vague enough so no one can recognize it for who, and then by extension find out who I am.

I've been trying to convince myself all day that I can do this. That I just have to sit my * down by the desk and turn the pages of the psychology books, and do an hour, or preferably two of studying. But my head is so full of thoughts, so full of faint memories. My heart is full of emotions, and they aren't joyous. And my body is fatigued. "I'll just rest some more", I keep telling myself " rest properly. allow yourself not to think about it." But I do think about it. The failure of not studying, yet I do know that my brain isn't in any state to actually process information right now.
I could need a friend to hold my hand, or to watch a movie with.
I could need some mindfulness right now. Some that work for longer than a few minutes at a time before I drift off again. Drifting somewhere, somewhere I don't know where.

I'm not there in real life Sceal but can send you virtual  :bighug:
I haven't read your letter to J (yet) but if it was anything like the letter I wrote then I can imagine your heart is full of emotions and your brain can't process information or study. A real pain in the neck, but normal in our healing unfortunately.

Thank you Blueberry. Virtual hugs are all I can handle today. (Some days I just can't handle physical contact, and today is one of those, but thank you so much for the virtual one. It means a lot)

It's a long letter, and I've a feeling I will write him another one. At some point. I feel sick to my stomach that it's out there now, but I am trying to brave it. It's hard.

And you're right, the brain just isn't capable cognitively to process any new information right now. I know this logically, but emotionally.... I blame myself for not being stronger, more clever, more presistant.

hey, sceal,

the truth is that you are clever and persistent enough.  the beast you are battling, however, is bigger and stronger than we ever imagined.  no wonder you're exhausted!  then, trying to study and retain other info on top of that?  wowser bowser! 

we can only do so much when this beast is climbing up our backs.  i just hope that you can be patient with yourself.  you're doing the best you can, and that's good enough.   

i give you a lot of credit for giving your education another go after the setbacks you've had.  it'll happen.  you've got that warrior spirit that keeps moving toward your goal.  sending you a hug filled with strength and resolution. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2017, 09:08:03 PM
wowser bowser! 

Hehe, that made me smile!

Quote
we can only do so much when this beast is climbing up our backs.  i just hope that you can be patient with yourself.  you're doing the best you can, and that's good enough.   

i give you a lot of credit for giving your education another go after the setbacks you've had.  it'll happen.  you've got that warrior spirit that keeps moving toward your goal.  sending you a hug filled with strength and resolution.

I'm not a very patient person, and neither am I very good at seeing the small steps. But I am trying. It's just that I am trying and re-learning so many skills at one time it gets overwhelming. I'm even learning how to relax. No one can tell me how to do it, no one has been able to explain what "relax" mean. And I've no idea.

My education is quite fragmented. I've tried several times, some of the times I've failed, others I've finished. Some days I feel i can do this, I just need to persist every day! But then, the next four days I don't function at all. It's not ideal.

---
I have to leave the house soon. I made a promise to myself to go swimming before lectures today. But then I checked the news and the picture of J was there. I'm nauseus, dizzy and sweating. I don't like this at all. I was hoping for a calm morning so I would be able to process the entire day.
The sun is out, and I would much rather go for a hike in the nature than go sit at a lecture hall. Be alone amongst the trees with the sun shining through the leaves. Or paddle on the lake when everyone else is at work.  Just be out and enjoy the last days of sun before autumn really sets in and the long months of winter arrives.
But... goddammit I hate this. I hate that I'm choking on my own emotions and thoughts. That I can feel his hands all over me, than I can't push the sensation away.
I'm not safe. And yet I have to go out and expose myself even more. They say that to rid anxiety you have to face your fears over and over and over again, and experience that it's not dangerous. This isn't working. I'm in city centre every week. And it's just getting worse.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just trying to pour the poison out.

I gathered my courage and left.

At some point I dissociated pretty badly and found myself in an uexpected location. I called my T. She explained about dissociating. We have never talked about that before. I just  assumed I didnt. So that is interesting.  I told her i am not sure how to get through the next few days. She told me to mind my energy levels, and that if I find my self being less than 70% present its time to go home. Thats also a new way of seeing it. Ill try that.

 :cheer: good job!

 :hug: thank you!

i really like that suggestion about minding your energy levels.  it puts it into a tangible place, something you can quantify and know with more certainty.  i would think that would be very grounding as well.   i'm going to start doing that with myself, cuz i don't always know when it's time to 'go home'.  thanks for sharing that, sceal.

i'm really glad you learned about dissociation for yourself.  i do believe that when we can name these beasts, we have a much better chance of dealing with them head on and making them more manageable.    and i also say 'good for you'  for facing your fears one more time and not letting them stop you.

i think ranting and getting the poison out is one of the best things we can do for ourselves at times.  glad you were able to do so.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  sending a hug filled with mindfulness and courage.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 25, 2017, 03:48:07 PM
i really like that suggestion about minding your energy levels.  it puts it into a tangible place, something you can quantify and know with more certainty.  i would think that would be very grounding as well.   i'm going to start doing that with myself, cuz i don't always know when it's time to 'go home'.  thanks for sharing that, sceal.

I told her on the phone I have a tendency to ignore my energy levels and just push through, and when I'm done I'm so worn out I can barely stand up.
She told me that then I already knew that I'm pushing too much and that I need to stop halfway. To me that made no sense, because I have the fear that I'm not good enough, or working hard enough, or that I send the signal that I'm more worth than the rest so I can quit earlier. And so I can't really just "give up" halfway. I didn't tell her that though, I should. But I get so pacified on the phone. But when she said that I need to stop when I'm less than 70% present, that made more sense to me. If I'm not present then I can't actually do the thing. I suspect it'll be an adjustment getting used to. And I'll have to work really hard on not feeling like a failure when I throw in the towel.  And I have to admit I intended very much to mind my presence yesterday, but when I arrived at the lecture hall a girl asked me if she could sit with me, and if I wanted to join their study group. I was so happy, and so relieved that I couldn't possibly leave. Eventhough I was neither present or that the study group was even on for yesterday.  :doh:

Quote
i'm really glad you learned about dissociation for yourself.  i do believe that when we can name these beasts, we have a much better chance of dealing with them head on and making them more manageable.    and i also say 'good for you'  for facing your fears one more time and not letting them stop you.

i think ranting and getting the poison out is one of the best things we can do for ourselves at times.  glad you were able to do so.  keep taking care of you as best you can.  sending a hug filled with mindfulness and courage.

I know I tend to "fade away", and I'm neither here nor there. I know I'm physically present, but the mind can't connect to the ongoings around me. These moments happen rather often, but never for long. I've never known what to call it, or what it was. But maybe that's what she meant when I dissociate in various levels. And that yesterday I was completely gone from myself. I know I should be worried, but I'm not. I'm not even concerned. Maybe I don't have any left over energy to care?

I do feel I've been posting here far too much since I joined. And I'm sorry! I should "talk" less about me, and give more support to others.
:bighug: to you, and than you for being so patient and kind to me.

Today I got
2hr lecture on personality
2hr lecture on motivation and emotion
2 hr seminar group (3rd meet up)
2hr seminar group (different group and subject. First time)

Ive had 3 hours lecture by now. But I am throwing in the towel. My mind is spent. And the lecturer brought up triggering examples for me.

I am feeling like a failure.

holy moly, sceal!  that's an awful lot of hours of listening, interpreting, understanding, and processing.   i can't do more than about 30 min. at this point.  no wonder your mind shut down.  i don't see that as failing or throwing in the towel, tho.  i see that as your mind knowing it's own level of energy, and stopping in order to take care of itself.

it's like when i push myself too hard for too long, i inevitably get sick.  if i won't stop, my body stops me in its own way.  too much is too much, and then i'm forced to rest.  if i would've stopped at the 70% mark, i wouldn't have to take 3 days to get better after crashing.

i think our minds and bodies are wondrous creatures that know a lot more than we give them credit for at times.  i see it as a built-in fail safe mechanism that takes care of us so that we don't go too far.  i believe it's what has helped us to survive this long, and come as far as we've gotten.

there's no failure in taking care of yourself, nor do i see it as throwing in the towel.  self-care is a necessary component of life, living, and peace of mind.  it's not a time of laziness, of giving up, or of wasting time.  rather, it's a time of regrouping, replenishing, and recouping our own resources.  that's a lot right there.

as far as talking about yourself too much, i don't think that's possible.  this is a time and place for you.  you get to do what's important for you and your recovery here.  if you feel like responding to others, that's fine, but not  required.  your recovery is for you, in your own time, at your own pace.  whatever is helping you is what needs to come first.  we're here to support that.

you're valuable here, sceal.  just like you are, with just what you need to do for you.  sending you a hug filled with warmth, caring, and acceptance. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 26, 2017, 03:40:07 PM
holy moly, sceal!  that's an awful lot of hours of listening, interpreting, understanding, and processing.   i can't do more than about 30 min. at this point.  no wonder your mind shut down.  i don't see that as failing or throwing in the towel, tho.  i see that as your mind knowing it's own level of energy, and stopping in order to take care of itself.

It is an awful lot of hours, I agree. I've been scared of this day and the next 6 weeks since I got my timetable. Every tuesday looks like this. And I'll be honest, I've no idea how to get through them. And I've no idea how to get through all the stuff before the exams. I wasn't able to concentrate for 3 hours, I was merely physically present for that long. Usually I manage to get 20 minutes out of 2 hours of lectures of concentration, unless the lecturer really peaks my interest.

Quote
it's like when i push myself too hard for too long, i inevitably get sick.  if i won't stop, my body stops me in its own way.  too much is too much, and then i'm forced to rest.  if i would've stopped at the 70% mark, i wouldn't have to take 3 days to get better after crashing.

i think our minds and bodies are wondrous creatures that know a lot more than we give them credit for at times.  i see it as a built-in fail safe mechanism that takes care of us so that we don't go too far.  i believe it's what has helped us to survive this long, and come as far as we've gotten.

there's no failure in taking care of yourself, nor do i see it as throwing in the towel.  self-care is a necessary component of life, living, and peace of mind.  it's not a time of laziness, of giving up, or of wasting time.  rather, it's a time of regrouping, replenishing, and recouping our own resources.  that's a lot right there.

Maybe we should all practice stopping at 70% ? I am sure it will take a lot of time and effort being able to actually do it, and accept that it's what it is right now. And that this number will go both up and down throughout our lives. My body also tends to break down, in various ways though. Yesterday I threw up and fell asleep for 12 hours. Normally I end up not being able to sleep at all, and as you might know, that does wonder for the psyche [Joking :) ]
I usually need 3-4 days recovering too, if I don't push too hard and I need a few months.  If you try to stop 70%, I would love to hear how that goes for you.

I think you're right, the body most certainly will let you know when you need to stop. Stop and change something, but sometimes it's hard to listen.

I read about self-care today, how instrumental it is for healing after trauma. But also how difficult and alien it can be for trauma patients to learn to do self-care. I find it a very odd concept, that I should be worthy of care. I do try, sometimes, but I always feel guilty afterwards. I used SI alot afterwards, I've stopped with that, and I hope it remains like that. Eventhough the urge is still there.
If only self-care wasn't so difficult and such an abstract idea.

Quote
as far as talking about yourself too much, i don't think that's possible.  this is a time and place for you.  you get to do what's important for you and your recovery here.  if you feel like responding to others, that's fine, but not  required.  your recovery is for you, in your own time, at your own pace.  whatever is helping you is what needs to come first.  we're here to support that.

you're valuable here, sceal.  just like you are, with just what you need to do for you.  sending you a hug filled with warmth, caring, and acceptance.

I had to step away after reading your reply to me, especially after this bit. It made me cry, in a good way that is. It was really beautiful words, and I am choosing to truly believe you truly mean them. Which is why it touched me so. For most of my life I've been silent, or silenced. And I've mostly listened to other people, to their worries, and fears, and problems and "problems", giving them support, yet not recieving it in return. It's a very peculiar thing. I feel guilty for needing to talk. Because I so desperatedly do need to talk, to be listened to, to be heard and believed.
This place is magic, with or without the porch - which is a different kind of magic.
:bighug: :yourock:

i don't think my words could have touched you if they hadn't been sincere.  i've been where you are - the listener, the problem-solver for others, the ear, the shoulder to cry on.  not believing anyone would want to listen to me because i, too, had been silenced so many times. 

i absolutely meant every word i said.  you are worth it, you deserve to be listened to and heard and accepted just as you are.

i have gotten to the point where i am more aware of the line over which i shouldn't go if i have a choice.  life circumstances have given me too much at times, and i cope as best i can, resting when i'm able.  writing here has been life-saving for me.  not only can i get the poison out here, but i can read and absorb the support, love, and kindness which helps replenish me, too.

sounds like tues. is gonna be a gritch of a day.  do you need to drop a class?  do the best you can.  we're all rooting for you.  i totally support what you're doing.  just always remember, it's your recovery, your space, your time, your pace.  no judgments here.   you'll get to where you want to go, of that i have no doubt.  big hug back atcha!

Sometimes it just feels more genuine, if you know what I mean? And it truly did feel that way. 

Its good to hear that you have discovered your line. I hope you are able to get the rest when you do need it, even when life pushes not to take one.

Getting to meet you and the others here have been wonderful. Though, I am sad for all the hurt and pain and horribleness that we have all survived. I wish this upon no one.

I might have to drop a class to stay sane. But ive already dropped two. Studying is part of my treatment, to give me something meaningful to do. I just am drowning under the workload. I should stop whining about it really,  and just read instead. For every hour I study I sleep 2. Makes it hard to have a normal sleep pattern. Maybe its an adjustment period?

Tomorrow is DBT group. I got two goals
1) Share my homework if they ask
2) Try my hardest to not leave the group in a panic attack, but ask if we can breathe so I can calm down.

Well!
Almost success. I really did want to do number 1. in it's entirety. But I was nervous and overactivated. So when it was my turn I just spoke superficially about it. And not really getting to the core of it. But I'll try next week, I used the same example for next weeks homework.
And I did succeed in number 2.  :cheer:

Anyway, group. I need to talk a little about that.
I don't know their struggles, where they are in their recovery or even what diagnosis they got. And neither do they know this about me.

A few weeks ago two new women joined in. One of them has a hearing disability, so technically she should have an interpreter present during group so she can follow. The clinic unfortunatedly neglected to "order" one for this week's session, and she got quite upset and frustrated. Which of course is very understandable, but still - it affected me. By just being in the room when she was half yelling at the receptionist I got affected. So I went outside to wait, but she followed. It was uncomfortable. So since she doesn't have an interpreter she's dependant on us to look at her while talking to the group so she can read our lips while talking loudly. Again, for me this is difficult. I rarely look people in the eye when I'm talking - or ever really. And I don't talk very loudly. I don't whisper, but.. my voice doesn't carry. And I was doing reading out loud from the manual, and she would quite crassly complain that she couldn't hear. It punched me. I know she was having a frustrating day, and that this really do affect her. But being in a way "told off", doesn't sit very well with me. I spaced out quickly after this.

We were also going through different emotions, and talking about how we can act oposite of them if they are too intense and unfitting of the situation. The group leader was wondering which emotions we wanted to go through, when she suggested shame I said yes. But then this girl got quite negative about that too. Saying shame is something we all feel, and there's no point in talking about shame. And shame isn't a problem, it's natural. And I felt judged, quite harshly. I don't connect with alot of emotions, but shame is such a HUGE part of my day, and it interfers with my therapy and daily life. I felt, ironically enough, shameful about feeling so much shame and letting it interfer with my life. The group leader said we should do it anyway, I think she noticed I struggled.

I can't help but feel vulnerable now about attending group, when she's so adamant and opinionated. I'd like to say it was just this once she's done this, but it isn't. And maybe it's part of her struggles. I should be open minded and explore this and safely be exposed to inter-person relationships that trigger overactivation or underactivation within me.

hey, sceal,

can you talk to the group leader about this problem?  it's not sounding like a very healthy thing for you to be constantly exposed to.  abusive, actually.  i'm sorry she's hard of hearing, but that gives her no right to take it out on someone else, or to treat others negatively.  her being hearing impaired is her problem, not yours.

however, if it's causing problems in the group, i would think it needs to now be the moderator's problem to resolve so that everyone can feel comfortable and safe there.  i take it this isn't a c-ptsd group, but rather a workshop-type group for people from all backgrounds.

the idea of you getting triggered to the point of having to leave, not feeling safe enough to speak your truths,  being nervous about sharing your concerns,  all seem to point to the fact that this may not be the right group for you.  i'm not suggesting you leave, but you may want to look at it as honestly as possible.

bottom line, how beneficial is this group experience for you?  you may be activated exactly on point for you and your history if someone is abusive, loud, and triggering.   my concern is with and for you and how it's affecting you to be part of this.  i do hope you get some resolution.  if this group is otherwise beneficial for you, then i hope the moderator will take some control over the situation so that you can stay. 

best to you, sceal.  i hope it works out all right for you.  big hug filled with caring and concern.

Youve given me something to think about. I am still a little rattled and vulnerable,  I will answer you properly tomorrow.   :hug:

Dear Sanmagic,

I could talk to the group leader, and I might have to carefully breach the subject if it persists. I am terrified of conflicts to such a degree that even the slightest hint of it will get me running (mostly emotionally and mentally running). Though, I do agree with you, it's not any one elses fault that she's hard of hearing and she shouldn't take that out on me. I am trying to be generous and not judge her too quickly. I am not sure if I would call it abuse, hopefully it was just a one-time event where her frustration at the clinic seethed through, but if it continues... Then I guess I will have to talk to one of the group leaders on how to handle this. I don't know if anyone else reacted and felt it was uncomfortable, or if it's just my sensitivity. I don't want to demand things, or make a problem out of something that maybe isn't a problem... if you know what I mean? I don't want to be a troublemaker.

And you're right, it's not a c-ptsd group, or even a ptsd group. It's DBT, which was created mostly for people with BPD's, but it's being used today (atleast in my country) also as trauma treatment. There are parts in DBT which are worth gold to me (such as interpersonal skills, mindfulness for trauma, stabilizing and removing SI tendencies), and other parts which I don't relate to, or is part of my problems. Yet it's been opening my eyes to other people's struggles and their view points on how to deal with it.

There is a part of the manual that will help me seperate facts from emotions, and then to evaluate if my emotions are legitimate in it's intensity levels, and how to proceed forward. I should look it up before next week's session, or maybe talk to the group leader before next week's session. Hopefully that will make me think a bit clearer.  I do need this therapy, though. It is my lifeline. The group was calm, non judgemental and my kind of group before the two new ladies joined in. There will be another one joining in in a couple of weeks. It changes the group dynamic. But my district clinic doesn't offer any other kinds of treatment except for individual therapy sessions. Which I do have too, I am just hoping this will, in the long run, be worth it.
Big hug back to you :hug: Thank you for caring, it means alot to me!

-----
Today's entry:

It's still early. The nighttime was spent in bed. Although it was a mix of being asleep and being awake with alot of physical pain. Luckily I have my physiotherapy tomorrow. I'll ask for advice on what to do, or how to manage the pain better.

I feel grumpy, agitated and borderline angry. I can't feel the emotions very well, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm easily provoked today. It's quite unpleasant as I don't know what is causing this.
I am tired of people, and if I could I'd just not talk to anyone today. But I have an appointment at SA-aftercare centre today. I'm new there, and I don't like being new to places. And this is such a vulnerable place to be aswell. But it's part of the process of healing. So I just got to bite the apple.

I am in two minds about writing tonight.

I went to the SA center again today. I took the elevator up, and then I went back down again.
I felt dizzy. I felt like I was going to faint. It was like I lost contact with myself. I knew where I was, I could see the surroundings. I just stood still. Waiting.
Eventually I went back up again. And I walked through the door.
It was difficult to talk. I felt dizzy still, and foggy. It cleared up after a while, and I could distance myself somewhat from what I was talking about.

*Trigger Warning*
She asked me pointed questions. About details, and I tried to talk around it. I got confused at some point, and I felt like all the truths merged together and it was hard to diffirensiate events from events. So I just said I didn't remember properly, like most of it was blocked out. I told her yes and no to the beginning of the last SA. No, not the last. The one before, the one from last summer. I told her how I acted afterwards, how my body wouldn't forget, but I did.
How I ended up in a trembling seizure surrounded by nothing but strangers at the other end of the country, and at one point - they pinned me down on a bed to try to stop the seizure, in a helpful way. The seizure was, in hindsight, "just" another reminder from my body. It was an anxiety attack. When they called the ambulance and I was no longer pinned down or surrounded by a huge crowd talking over my head about me, the trembling stopped. It was after that I started to wake up again. When I got back home again, I called my GP and I haltingly told her. Or I told her enough so that she could speak the rest of the words for me, and I could say yes.
I told the SA-center lady that when I next saw him was at the event, and that I hid under blankets and fabric at night in a locked car to avoid being found. That I kept myself so busy I got myself physically injured. And then I told her about the last time I did spend time with him.
It was a party, a private week-end gathering/party. I don't know how many we were, but less than 20, with the kids included. It was BBQ, it was bonfire, it was an outdoor jacuzzi (That's rare here where I'm from). And there were alcohol.
I don't drink alot. I can enjoy a glass or two of wine once in a while, but I rarely get drunk. Because I'm afraid what might happen when I do, because I'm afraid I wont be safe, because I'm afraid I wont be able to get home. There was drama in the group, not big and all over the place. But enough to keep people preoccupied. I was scared shitless. I had only recently started remembering again, and I had no option getting away from there. My car was busted.
So I drank. And I drank. I am uncertain if I've ever been as drunk as that.
I told the SA-center lady that I could barely stand on my two legs, and that he then took me for a stroll. Alone, away from everyone. And that I don't remember anything other than that. Which was a lie. I'm ashamed that I lied. But I am more ashamed of my memories. I told her I woke up with a huge lump at the back of my head, that was true. What was also true, is that I have no recollection what so ever of getting that lump. I don't remember hitting my head.

The truth is, I was wasted, I could barely stand on my own two feet. I needed support in order to walk. I was in no shape to give proper concent.
I know there was sex. What I can't remember is if I wanted it. But why would I want it? I was, and still am, terrified of him. If I wanted it, then it must have been for no other reason than self-harm, or believing so deeply that I deserve nothing better than be punished.
I am scared for both answers. I can still feel his hands.
I think I've spent the year blocking the memories of that week-end out. Because for a year now, I thought that the last guy I slept with was someone else. Someone I slept with, ironically, to get away from J.
It's messy. And it makes me feel like a ****.

I don't want these memories. I can't deal with more of these. I got enough. I got my T tomorrow. But I wont talk to her about this. Not yet.

Yesterday was a good day.
My appointment with my T was good, productive. And I got a goal for the next week. My physiotherapist helped me with my back.
The sun was out, and I decided to go visit my parents. I secretly hoped they would still be away, so I could just sit in the garden and soak up the sun. But they were home, and so i went on a bicycle ride with my dad. I used my mom's el-bike, and I haven't been on a bike in years. But it was good. It was movement, it was nature, and it was sunny.
I went for a short stroll with a friend and his dog, also in the sun around a different lake.. more like a pond.
Then I came home and I realised I'd double booked two online appointments with two international friends. One ended up cancelling due to car trouble. And the other.. I expected we'd talk for an hour maybe. It ended up being 9 hours!
I don't think I've talked to anyone for 9 hours ever! But it was so amazing. So much laughter, and so similarities on how we are. It was great. I felt like my opinions and my thoughts and questions mattered.

I'm used to not sleeping alot. Or having broken sleep. But I always go to bed around the same time. Except for last night. I sat up until 5am. And today I am shattered. I'm painfully aware that I should be reading both about structuralism and funktionalism ( I don't understand anything) but I also need to read about Personality (which is of course much more interessting). But I got such a pressure in my head, and the occational headache. No concentration.

Though I am trying to tell myself that "Hey, it is okay. I am struggling alot right now. It is okay that I don't understand everything I read. Or don't remember it. The important part is that I am trying. And if I fail, then that means I got more time to study this subject for the next exam. I need to remember that I don't need to be perfect. I need to remember that I have a big handicap, and that's nothing to be ashamed of."  - and similar things like that. Mainly just telling me that I should do this because I'm curious, not because of someone elses imaginary expectations. I need to try and lower the expectations I believe others have of me, and my own expectations for myself. Maybe then things will be a tiny bit easier. Not sure how to do this though.

Been reading your entries, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened on those days. Truly very frightening experiences I must imagine. I sympathise with not wanting those kind of memories, hoping one day you'll wake up and you won't remember a thing, would feel like nothing ever happened.
I'm glad you had a good yesterday though at least. Really glad you had someone to talk to for that long! Wow, must have been good! :)
Don't be hard on yourself for your struggling though, as you said, you're trying, and if something doesn't go the intended way, that's okay.

the first thought that came to mind was no matter what, you have nothing to be ashamed of.   if you're too drunk to give consent, it doesn't matter if you 'want' it or not - you're not in your 'right' mind, not able to know what to want or not want, not able to know what's healthy or not.  when we're out of our minds drunk, we can't possibly make decisions about what's good or bad for us. 

a gentleman would never take advantage of someone who is drunk and vulnerable.  it's on him.  there was a case not too long ago about a college kid who did this with a girl at a party.  he was found to be at fault totally.

my second thought was that last paragraph you wrote.  i hope you read it over and over until it becomes part of you.   it sounded like all the advice, suggestions, and positivity you need, and couldn't have been put any better by anyone else.  it showed me that you know exactly what is important for you.  practice and patience will help you own it.

you're doing great, sceal.  moving right along.  kudos to you for going thru that sa door.  for your courage and fortitude.  you rock!   sending a big hug filled with happiness for your progress.  yay!

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 30, 2017, 11:28:59 PM
Been reading your entries, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened on those days. Truly very frightening experiences I must imagine. I sympathise with not wanting those kind of memories, hoping one day you'll wake up and you won't remember a thing, would feel like nothing ever happened.
I'm glad you had a good yesterday though at least. Really glad you had someone to talk to for that long! Wow, must have been good! :)
Don't be hard on yourself for your struggling though, as you said, you're trying, and if something doesn't go the intended way, that's okay.

Thank you Aphotic, For your warm words, and for reading my entries. I've been reading yours too :) I've had a lot of time to think about memories, especially during the times when I've been locked up in a psych ward. I have a lot of time lost, time I don't remember. But I've also lost a lot of time due to the things I do remember (the bad stuff I mean). I've lost alot of friends, and experiences. I don't want to forget, but I want to have the memories properly intergrated. So they become a thing of the past, and not the present and not a fear for the future for it all to happen again and again. I hope some day, I will be strong enough, and healthy enough to help others in my current position to heal.

It was a really nice talk. Although at times I lost track of what she was talking about. And at times I felt I do not really belong in the artist world, as I cannot achieve and produce like they do. But most of the time it felt wonderful to not be associated with being a trauma patient. And my curious, exploring and artistic side came through. I feel better about myself when I'm that person. It feels meaningful. It will probably be another 6 months until I skype her again. Such is our relationship. But I wouldn't trade it.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 01, 2017, 12:40:09 AM
the first thought that came to mind was no matter what, you have nothing to be ashamed of.   if you're too drunk to give consent, it doesn't matter if you 'want' it or not - you're not in your 'right' mind, not able to know what to want or not want, not able to know what's healthy or not.  when we're out of our minds drunk, we can't possibly make decisions about what's good or bad for us. 

a gentleman would never take advantage of someone who is drunk and vulnerable.  it's on him.  there was a case not too long ago about a college kid who did this with a girl at a party.  he was found to be at fault totally.

my second thought was that last paragraph you wrote.  i hope you read it over and over until it becomes part of you.   it sounded like all the advice, suggestions, and positivity you need, and couldn't have been put any better by anyone else.  it showed me that you know exactly what is important for you.  practice and patience will help you own it.

you're doing great, sceal.  moving right along.  kudos to you for going thru that sa door.  for your courage and fortitude.  you rock!   sending a big hug filled with happiness for your progress.  yay!

*TW*
I think part of me knows I shouldn't feel ashamed. But I'm so shameful of so many things, and I did choose to drink. I chose to drink so I wouldn't have to feel so much. Or so I could be better socially interactive, without fleeing in anxiety. I chose to drink to hide my fear, to hide my shame. And perhaps for other reasons I can no longer recall. But I do know I was also served far more alcohol by J especially - he always wanted me to drink. In more or less all of our interactions. And again, I'm not big on drinking. I don't like that loss of control that comes with it.  But I feel so ashamed. I feel it was my fault. That I lead up to it. That I somehow was involved.

I should re-watch the youtube video about consent that is called tea-consent. It replaces the concept of sex with tea, and it makes it so much more obvious where the lines go.
*End of TW*

I feel I need to re-read my last paragraph from the other day already. Somedays, like the other day when I wrote it, it's more plausible. It has a chance of it for ringing slightly true. But most of the time it just feels like it doesn't belong to me. That I don't deserve that kind of self-compassion. Today, is one of those days.
It's been a rolercoaster today.  Thank you for the hug, and a big hug back to you, Sanmagic! Thank you for your encouragement, it really do warm me.


--- Today---
I felt better, physically, today. No more headaches. I'm stiff now though, but I've been sitting far too much today.
I drove my roomie to work today, he's had a long hard week at work - so I wanted to be kind to drive him. Let him sleep an hour longer. But the drive was tense, I'm not quite sure why really. When I dropped him off, he sat in the car for a bit and asked me what was wrong. I said the usual "nothing, I'm fine". Which for me translate to : Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal. or " I don't want to talk about it". But as per usual, he pushed me. Not with ill intent, but he just wouldn't let me off the hook. And I started getting aggressive and half-yelling at him.
I didn't really mean to, it just overcame me. I think he got a little hurt, but I was feeling hurt and defensive too. And I felt he had no right to push me. Everytime he pushes me it makes me feel bad for not talking, and when he refuses to listen to me saying no, I don't want to talk about it. Or let it lie. or it's nothing to do with you. It makes me feel like my boundaries are being crossed. And no one likes that. It ended abruptly because he of course had to go to work.
I drove back home, but stopped halfway and wandered around on a sunny foresty path. I was highstrung on emotion (which is rare for me) and anxiety. The other people also out on their sunday walk bothered me. I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts and contemplation of my own behavior as well as be allowed to look at the beautiful nature. It was just a stroll. My body was heavy. I sent him a long text apologising for being unnesserily angry, and that I feel that we've somehow lost the ability to communicate with eachother. Which saddens me.
I do think he's part to blame each time we argue. It's not just me being impossible. But 9/10 times I end up apologizing. Even if it wasn't me who provoked.
Even if I'm the one in the right. I apologize for my emotions.

And it sucks.

but the stroll cleared up my head, for most part. I went back home and ate my feelings and watched two episodes of an old show before I got started on my studying. I've only done about 8 pages today. Not very good, but more than I did yesterday.

I am tired now. I am going to bed soon, I'm just waiting for him to come back so I can give him his Christmas present (yes, I know, it's months away. But he'll be gone for Christmas, and it's something he can start using today. So why not?)

writing about the argument with your friend rang a bell with me.  my hub and i would bicker about that all the time.  i could see on his face that something was wrong, something was bothering him, but when i'd ask him what was going on, he'd tell me 'nothing'.

i knew it was a lie.  i can tell when there's something up with him, but for him to deny what i knew felt invalidating to me.  we talked, and i told him that if he didn't want to tell me, just to tell me that, and i'd respect it, that he didn't have to lie about it.  i said that it was clearer communication between us if we were honest.  he wasn't used to such honesty, and it was a bickering point many times in our relationship.

maybe you can talk to your friend about having a more honest communication, and explain that sometimes you don't want to share what's going on with you.  you could also ask him if he's ok with that.  maybe that will help repair any riffs between the two of you.

i don't know if this works for you or not.  just some thoughts from my experience with the answer 'nothing, i'm fine'.  i do hope this works out well for the both of you, and it can get mended.  big hug.

That's a good point, Sanmagic. Sometimes I tell him things aren't okay, but I don't want to talk about it. Then he usually asks if he's done something to upset me. and I tell him it's nothing to do with him. Which it rarely does.

I will try to think about that in the future. I guess sometimes I come across as moody or distant without me really knowing so, and when he then asks me I have to check in on myself and then I notice things aren't great, and that sucks. It's like being reminded of a bad memory. I've explained this too him though, that I apprechiate he asking me once how I am, but when he repeats it it feels like he is pushing me into a corner, Maybe I need to remind of that. In a friendly manner that is.

I can understand that it must be frustrating for him though. Because I worry too when he's obviously not okay and doesn't talk about it.

QuoteI felt better, physically, today. No more headaches. I'm stiff now though, but I've been sitting far too much today.
I drove my roomie to work today, he's had a long hard week at work - so I wanted to be kind to drive him. Let him sleep an hour longer. But the drive was tense, I'm not quite sure why really. When I dropped him off, he sat in the car for a bit and asked me what was wrong. I said the usual "nothing, I'm fine". Which for me translate to : Don't worry about it, it's not a big deal. or " I don't want to talk about it". But as per usual, he pushed me. Not with ill intent, but he just wouldn't let me off the hook. And I started getting aggressive and half-yelling at him.
I didn't really mean to, it just overcame me. I think he got a little hurt, but I was feeling hurt and defensive too. And I felt he had no right to push me. Everytime he pushes me it makes me feel bad for not talking, and when he refuses to listen to me saying no, I don't want to talk about it. Or let it lie. or it's nothing to do with you. It makes me feel like my boundaries are being crossed. And no one likes that. It ended abruptly because he of course had to go to work.

Oh I know exactly how you feel there. I said that a lot when I was with my ex... and he'd always get so angry when I wouldn't tell him what's wrong.
But san has made a good point yes. :) If only I'd heard about that advice when I needed it a few years ago, haha. Could have saved me from so much trouble and annoyances.

QuoteI've only done about 8 pages today. Not very good, but more than I did yesterday.

May not seem very good to you but if it's more than you did yesterday, I applaud you! :) Very nice to hear.
And I'm glad the headaches are gone.

Thank you, Aphotic.  :hug:

-------

I'm so exhausted. The week has just started. I had two lectures today, but I only attended one.
My head became mosh after 45 minutes. Probably sooner, but that's when I noticed it for full. I was talking to this woman I've wanted to talk to for a while. She's from abroad. It was nice to walk and talk. She also only stayed for one lecture.

I had a mocha after she went home, I shouldn't have. I've been feeling sick ever since. I guess I was feeling sick before hand really. Bloated, tired, uncomfortable and generally exhausted. I hope I'm not getting sick. It's been HOURS now. I went to my parents for dinner. It was nice enough. In the car home my father brought up the subject of getting a mentor for my studies again. I know he means well, he really do. I just don't need the extra pressure. And I don't know how to tell him. I don't want to dissapoint him. Again. I really want to make him proud.

I got my * day of the week tomorrow. I don't know how to manage that either. It takes out the life of me for the rest of the week. And I have no way of studying the other days. I either have to rely on my own capabilities and not go to the lectures. Or I don't know.
I've felt it's been all too much all this semster. But my GP says to wait, not give up yet.  Each time I mention it to someone they keep saying "just try".
I am at the point where I don't care if I fail. What I am worried about is the prolongued affect this has on my health.
The part of my health that I can't really put into words, the mental health. Everytime someone asks me what's wrong I make it sound like I'm whining about having a f* cold.  I don't want their pity, or false sympathies. I don't want them to coddle me either. I just want them to understand that it's hard right now, and I'm breaking. And I don't want them in my F* business.  I am so angry with myself. Because it's the only way I can really feel anger.

And at the same time, doing nothing... is not an option. I just want to cry. I want to have a week long cry.

I also got a message from the hospital today. I'm meeting the surgeon on the 27th. I don't even know if I'll go through with the operation. It's so full of shame. It's shame if I don't take it, it's shame if I do go through with it. It'll change my life forever if I do. I should read up on the options again, but it scares me. and I feel sick to my stomach. The shame is making me keep it all inside. All my thoughts, all my fear.. All my questions.

So sorry for the whine. I just really need to rant.

Hi Sceal,
Good that you managed to talk to that lady today.  Sorry to hear that you are feeling bloated and sick after having that Mocha.  Good that you've let out your feelings in your Journal, and I just wanted to say 'hello' and wish you the best for a good rest - sounds like you need one. 
You take care,
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope66 on October 02, 2017, 06:30:46 PM
Hi Sceal,
Good that you managed to talk to that lady today.  Sorry to hear that you are feeling bloated and sick after having that Mocha.  Good that you've let out your feelings in your Journal, and I just wanted to say 'hello' and wish you the best for a good rest - sounds like you need one. 
You take care,
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I really apprechiate it. I hope you are doing well, and that the busy days ahead of you aren't making everything worse for wear

I don't know what I feel. Other than tired. And yet, tired isn't even the right word. Worn is more accurate, but yet also not the right word. I don't know what the right word is.

I had group yesterday, the girl from the previous session had two interpeter there this time. Two. It's getting awfully crowded in the room. That means that when we're full group it'll be 9 other people in the room. 9 Other people whom I have to talk infront of, about personal experiences and feelings. I'm not comfortable with that. I suppose it's practice and going out of my comfort zone. Maybe it'll be better in-time? My reaction leaned towards my mind fading away. Dissociating. It was so hard to force myself to be present. and most of the time it didn't work. I almost threw up at one point, so I left the room. I dunno if that was psychosomatic, or if it was just because the coffee was to strong.

I have a guidance appointment with the univeristy today. I was declined to have a mentor to help me through this terms subject. So now I have to figure out how to deal with it. Then I have an appointment with the SA-Center... and later an appointment with my T. I've got a feeling I wont be studying anything today.

They say by leaving the house, getting fresh air, and generally moving about are good ways to prevent or work against the depression. I have to admit, I kind of feel like I don't have much choice. But being at home all day long isn't really an appealing choice either. Though, I do think my depression is a little lighter than what it was a few weeks ago.

Quote from: Sceal on October 05, 2017, 05:58:45 AM
I don't know what I feel. Other than tired. And yet, tired isn't even the right word. Worn is more accurate, but yet also not the right word. I don't know what the right word is.

I had group yesterday, the girl from the previous session had two interpeter there this time. Two. It's getting awfully crowded in the room. That means that when we're full group it'll be 9 other people in the room. 9 Other people whom I have to talk infront of, about personal experiences and feelings. I'm not comfortable with that. I suppose it's practice and going out of my comfort zone. Maybe it'll be better in-time? My reaction leaned towards my mind fading away. Dissociating. It was so hard to force myself to be present. and most of the time it didn't work. I almost threw up at one point, so I left the room. I dunno if that was psychosomatic, or if it was just because the coffee was to strong.

I have a guidance appointment with the univeristy today. I was declined to have a mentor to help me through this terms subject. So now I have to figure out how to deal with it. Then I have an appointment with the SA-Center... and later an appointment with my T. I've got a feeling I wont be studying anything today.

They say by leaving the house, getting fresh air, and generally moving about are good ways to prevent or work against the depression. I have to admit, I kind of feel like I don't have much choice. But being at home all day long isn't really an appealing choice either. Though, I do think my depression is a little lighter than what it was a few weeks ago.

Things sound so stressful for you, Sceal. I can't imagine what it's like trying to juggle all of that work along with your CPTSD. I'm terrified of going to Uni because I'm afraid the stress will just eat me alive, I'm really impressed that you're studying whilst coping with these other things. ^^ You're a strong person.  :applause: And you're looking after yourself which is good, leaving the room when things feel too much, it's self care, it's good. I don't know how on Earth I would be able to talk in front of that many people about my own personal experiences, so daunting to even think about! You really impress me, Sceal. :)
I hope these compliments and good wishing is okay...

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 05, 2017, 07:07:54 AM
Things sound so stressful for you, Sceal. I can't imagine what it's like trying to juggle all of that work along with your CPTSD. I'm terrified of going to Uni because I'm afraid the stress will just eat me alive, I'm really impressed that you're studying whilst coping with these other things. ^^ You're a strong person.  :applause: And you're looking after yourself which is good, leaving the room when things feel too much, it's self care, it's good. I don't know how on Earth I would be able to talk in front of that many people about my own personal experiences, so daunting to even think about! You really impress me, Sceal. :)
I hope these compliments and good wishing is okay...

Someone once told me "you're worn out all the time. Does it makes you less worn out if you're at home alone?" It made me realise that no, no it doesn't make me less worn out. Uni is burning me out, it really is. I have MAJOR doubts about it. But not trying is not really an option. I do beat myself up alot more than I should. I know in theory that if I am outside the tolerance window, then my brain is not able to process new knowledge or experiences. And I'm rarely within the tolerance window, plus I dissociate quite alot. But I am studying something that gives meaning, that's interessting, and that I can use in any future job. if I am ever able to work again.
I am not sure if it was as much self-care to walk out of the room yesterday, as it was to prevent myself from throwing up over other people and infront of them. I've done that before. It's not pleasant, for anyone involved.
You're words are warming me, and I really apprechiate them. I will try and let them sink in and do their kind of healing. I'll try. Though I do have a hard time accepting and believing compliments. Thank you. :)

---
The advicer at uni didn't give me tips on what I needed today. But she gave me an application I need to hand in so I can get access to a program that helps people with dyslexia write better academic texts. She also told me that if I get too ill before the exam I can get a sickleave from my GP, and that way I wont lose any chances of doing the exam. I have 3 chances per subject. That relieved me of some stress.

The SA-center lady talked to me about body-shame today. She thinks alot of my shame is connected with the symptoms of my PCOS. And it is. But it's also connected to my SA's. She said we'll get around to that later. I wont see her for another month though because our schedules don't match up. It's okay though, I have enough on my plate at the moment.

My psychologist and I had a lot of laughs today. On my behalf, but that was okay. It kind of re-cleared the air between us. We touched upon my dissociations, when I choose to and when I have no control. Yesterday in group I had a hard time fighting myself. I didn't want to accept there were two new people in the group doing translation for this one girl, I didn't know how to deal with it. And so I kept wanting to dissociate, and the other half of me kept telling myself I needed to focus because being part of the group and actually concentrating on what's being said is important. So it was a battle of wills, except it was my two wills. My T says she suspect it was because I was annoyed that there were two unexpected people in the room that caused a huge distraction for me, which were quickly overshadowed by shame leaving me to wanting to avoid the situation while being "locked in". Having to admit I was annoyed at this partially deaf girl made me feel awful. It's not her fault she's partially deaf - she can't help it. So I've no reason being annoyed at her. It made me feel ashamed of having to admit this to myself, and that my T saw through me. I want to be a good person, not a selfish b*. She told me I wasn't being selfish. Yet, I still feel I was judging her, and I had NO right to do that. So I've started judging me instead. My T said that's no good sollution either, she thinks I need to start learning to be in an emotion and accept that it's there without judgement rather than pushing it away and being ashamed that I too got emotions and needs that should be met.
It was confusing. And I felt quite bewildered afterwards. I have alot to think about... Hopefully I will be able to digest some of this while studying over the week-end. I need to do therapy homework, and do uni-work. And somehow figure out what "relaxing" means. Maybe I'll go for a walk or two, despite the pouring rain. It'd be good for the body.

By the way. The body has been acting werid today. I've had a pain in my lower back all day with increasing strenght. At one point I felt tingling down both my legs and such a heavyness I wasn't sure I'd be able to stand on my legs. And quite a few dizzy spells. And a BUNCH of trips to the toilet, without me having had much to drink. I am wondering if I might have a urinary infection, or if it's just psychosomatic. My T wanted me to call my doc, but it was too late in the day. I promised her big time if I got worse over the next few days I'd go to the ER. She was firm on this. That I really need to treat my body for any somatic illness as it has a huge impact on my mental health. I don't got any fever though, and it doesn't hurt anywhere other than my lower back. - I have a feeling it's psychosomatic.

I've had several psychologists throughout the years. I don't remember them all, and those I remember, I remember certain things about. Like one of the last guys I had before I transfered to a different district clinic, he told me I needed to go skydiving. What he meant was I needed to confront my comfort zones. Ironically I feel I do that all the time.

TW:
Anyway, so I am never going to go skydiving. That is too far out there for me. But I did do diving, which is also a high risk sport. Two years ago, I decided to confront my fear of the water. (I've had numerous near-drowning accidents). The problem here was that I decided to do it together with a toxic friend. Her husband also at the time happened to be an ongoing abuser of mine. And also my latest rapist. She also had fear of water, so we spent ALOT longer time than everyone else doing this course. Which was okay by me. It made me feel more in control. There was some complications and some misunderstandings along the way. But before those happened, the store, the course leader and my toxic friend and her husband all pressured me into spending $3985 on diving equipment. It am not a big spender, and neither do I do well with impulse buy.  I just spent 2 months contemplating if I should buy a new pair of shoes so I can avoid being wet on my feet this winter or not. (I got new shoes :bigwink:) I felt I couldn't say no. I felt there was no room for me to say I can't afford to spend this money right now. Or that I was uncomfortable ever spending that kind of amount of money on anything. Since I had no boundaries left for them to destroy I bought the equipment.

I've never used it outside the course. And I've regretted it ever since. The past year I've desperatedly wanted to sell it off. I went NC with those people only 2 months after we got certified. So I've been wondering how to get rid of it since November. I can't put it out under my name for sale, they will know. And I fear they will contact me. And pressure me again. I can't withstand that again. I really can't. I need for them to stay as far away from me as possible. So it's been a daily reminder of them in my appartment. I see it every day. And it sucks.  I've gotten rid of nearly everything else that reminds me of them. Or at least I've packed it away until I'm ready to deal with it. Which probably wont be for another million years. I've asked a few friends if they can sell it for me, but they have all said no. Until two months ago, a support person (kind of like a paid friend-service) told me she'd help me. She's an amazing girl. And she's given me alot of support. She said we could use her account, and that she'll be there with me when the potential buyer come to take a look at it.
I'm quite embarrassed that I don't really know anything about the equipment. I know what it's called. And I know it works. But the worth of it all.. Is over my head.

Today though. I finally photographed it all. And I looked up online what it's worth and I consulted with a former classmate of mine who does professional diving for a living. I should have been studying. And I hope I get a few pages done. But this has taken a huge emotional and mental affect on me. I just hope I can concentrate.

But I do feel proud that I FINALLY got around to documenting it, and putting it on a flashdrive for her. And it will be such a huge relief to get rid of it, and get some money back off of it.

I will try to remind myself that althought it doesn't seem like all that much to just take a few photos.. all that it symbolizes and reminds me of.. .I'm allowed to be a little tired again now.
I am going to breathe a little, then I'm going to go try to study.

I'm sorry to hear about that, Sceal. :S I mean, spending money on something you don't need/use. I really understand how that must feel, that pressure coming from all around you. Did you overcome your fear of water at least? Though I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't, being around those types of people at the time... Oof.
I'm really glad you're getting around to selling it though. :) I'm sure it will be a HUGE weight off your shoulders when you're finally rid of it. It's really not healthy to have a constant reminder like that in your house all the time... it's not just there as a reminder of your forced impulsive spending but a reminder of the people it's associated with. So yeah, glad it's going! I have similar objects like that, impulsively bought to please others and acting as an icky reminder of my past. One of those things was an engagement ring, but I didn't need to hide it or pack it away somewhere because I lost it anyway! Haha, oops!  :whistling: You can't really 'lose' diving equipment easily though... too big for that. But I hope you'll get some decent amount of money for it. :) Best of luck.

QuoteBy the way. The body has been acting werid today. I've had a pain in my lower back all day with increasing strenght. At one point I felt tingling down both my legs and such a heavyness I wasn't sure I'd be able to stand on my legs. And quite a few dizzy spells. And a BUNCH of trips to the toilet, without me having had much to drink. I am wondering if I might have a urinary infection, or if it's just psychosomatic. My T wanted me to call my doc, but it was too late in the day. I promised her big time if I got worse over the next few days I'd go to the ER. She was firm on this. That I really need to treat my body for any somatic illness as it has a huge impact on my mental health. I don't got any fever though, and it doesn't hurt anywhere other than my lower back. - I have a feeling it's psychosomatic.

I hope you're feeling better!

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 08, 2017, 02:09:41 AM
I'm sorry to hear about that, Sceal. :S I mean, spending money on something you don't need/use. I really understand how that must feel, that pressure coming from all around you. Did you overcome your fear of water at least? Though I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't, being around those types of people at the time... Oof.
I'm really glad you're getting around to selling it though. :) I'm sure it will be a HUGE weight off your shoulders when you're finally rid of it. It's really not healthy to have a constant reminder like that in your house all the time... it's not just there as a reminder of your forced impulsive spending but a reminder of the people it's associated with. So yeah, glad it's going! I have similar objects like that, impulsively bought to please others and acting as an icky reminder of my past. One of those things was an engagement ring, but I didn't need to hide it or pack it away somewhere because I lost it anyway! Haha, oops!  :whistling: You can't really 'lose' diving equipment easily though... too big for that. But I hope you'll get some decent amount of money for it. :) Best of luck.

QuoteBy the way. The body has been acting werid today. I've had a pain in my lower back all day with increasing strenght. At one point I felt tingling down both my legs and such a heavyness I wasn't sure I'd be able to stand on my legs. And quite a few dizzy spells. And a BUNCH of trips to the toilet, without me having had much to drink. I am wondering if I might have a urinary infection, or if it's just psychosomatic. My T wanted me to call my doc, but it was too late in the day. I promised her big time if I got worse over the next few days I'd go to the ER. She was firm on this. That I really need to treat my body for any somatic illness as it has a huge impact on my mental health. I don't got any fever though, and it doesn't hurt anywhere other than my lower back. - I have a feeling it's psychosomatic.

I hope you're feeling better!

Thank you Apothic! I've given my friend all the pictures and the notice now. Hopefully she'll get it up this week. I feel relieved that I've gone through that stage. Now it's just the next one. Meeting a potential buyer (I hope there is one!)
My physical self is a bit on and off. But I think it's more that the body is signalling I need to start making some changes. It's been too much for too long lately.
But I'm okay, I'm not sick.


----

I feel like I have a lot to say, but at the same time not much to say at the same time. The days are a blur, and I'm working on being present like my psychologist suggested I do. It's tricky, because I forget most of the time. But sometimes I ask myself "where am I?", and I hope that's a start.
I've barely studied the last week. Maybe 2 hours outside of lectures. And I went to 30% of the lectures.  I am trying not to beat myself up too much over it, the time is lost anyway I can't change what I haven't or have done. I just have to look forward. It's lecture day today, so there wont be any extra reading. But tomorrow?

The councillor at uni said that I can potentially get a sickleave for my exam, so I don't miss a chance to do my exam. (You have 3 tries). I'm going to my GP in an hour and ask her if she'd be willing to do that if things comes crashing down on me in November. I don't think I am strong enough to go through another big stressfull month that has months of aftereffects. I need to put my health first, and one of those steps is to reduce stress. It's silly to ask for a sickleave in advance, but it'll calm me down if she says it's possible.

I'm still nervous about meeting the surgeon. I don't know how to prepare or what to expect.
Other than that, I'm okay. I'm mostly fatigued and dizzy. But I am okay.  :)

Long day today. But not a bad day.

I woke up after dreaming I bought a friend a deluxe mattress for her birthday. When I woke up I remember thinking "Man I've slept good", that NEVER happens. It was a nice surprise.

I went to see my GP this morning. I normally try to stick to 1-2 things when I'm there so I don't take up so much time, and I often say "I don't want to delay your day or use up all your time" But she always tells me not to worry, she got time. She's amazing! I ultimatedly went because I wanted to ask her if she would be willing to give me a sickleave when my exam comes, if I'm too stressed out. Exams are stressful for everyone, that's for sure. It's just not something I can afford right now. My health comes first, which means I actually DO have to prioritize my health. And I need help doing this. 4 months ago I would have refused to delay my education. I would have told you I'd just push through. But my last exam left me without any strength at all. It nearly broke me into pieces. I don't want to do that again. It slows down my healing, it trauma-therapy-damaging. It's just not worth it. I started studying in my30ies.. what's 6 more months going to matter? It's not.  She told me that she would. But also told me not to give up yet. I wont. I'll still work, but now I can lower my shoulders a little. Very relieved!

We talked about medications too. I asked if there was an alternative to metformin I could take. She said there wasn't, but I could try a lower dosage. I tried it 2 years ago and I was so nauseus. Couldn't keep the food down, and I lost my apetite. It was awful. I have been looking around the web to see if there are any tips to reduce the nausea - but reading online has just made me more scared of starting on it. I have to try, I don't want to end up with diabetes 2.

We also talked about my fear and worries, and my GP's worries surrounding the potential surgery. It was a relief, it feels really good to have a GP that got your back and supports you. She also believes it's my best option. So I guess I just have to wait and see what the surgeon says at the end of the month.

After my appt. with the doc I messaged my friend, she had twins in May. I asked if she wanted company, even it was pretty early. She was really happy for some company. The twins were in such a good mood, they kept staring at me and grinning. It was really amusing. My friend says that they don't normally like strangers ( I've seen them a couple of times, but it's over a month since last time - so to the babies I am essentially a stranger). It felt really nice. And a part of me wants to think that babies can in a way tell if a person is good or bad (like animals can), and that they just liked me. It's probably not true, but it's a nice thought. It was nice to have such genuine and amazing smiles at me for hours!

I was completely drained when I left though. I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to make it through my lecture. I nearly fell asleep twice. But it was a good lecture. I even went to the study group. We had two group quizzes, which were fun. I was in the first group that won - and I even made big contributions to winning. And I got feedback on my trial - exam I handed in about 2 weeks ago. I felt I did a lousy job. Infact, I DID do a lousy job. But somehow, that gave me good feedback.

I should have prepared for therapy group tomorrow. Maybe I'll try in the morning, but now.. All I want to do is sleep. And it's barely past 20 in the evening.

It's been a good day today.  :)  Hopefully, I am starting to climb out of the depression. If I am, then maybe that opens the door to fighting the PTSD better too. At least until the depression hits again.  :bigwink:

Wonderful to hear you've had a good and seemingly productive day, Sceal. :) Hope your rest is well.

I remember when I was in the hospital one time, I was given some medication that really helped my nausea. Though, I don't know the name, or if you can get them over the counter... but I know it exists! lol Maybe you can find something like that, might help? Though you probably don't want to be taking more medication whilst weaning off another. >.>

Good point Aphotic. I should ask them at the pharmacy when I head down there to pick up the new one.

Hi Sceals,
I was just reading your journal entry where the twin babies were smiling at you - that's lovely.  I think it's very heart-warming when something like that happens.
Glad you had that experience.
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,
Yeah, it was really nice. I am still smiling by just thinking of it.
Glad to see you're back, I am following your journal. :)

Sceal

I am so worn out. My cognitive function is low and slow. I have a short fuse, and my body is so heavy and full of weird symptoms.
I really wish I could have a week vacation, guilt free. But it's not happening until December.

I am reading your journals, and posts. But I wont be able to comment very much for a few days I think. I'm with you in my thoughts though. Big hug to you all

Quote from: Sceal on October 11, 2017, 06:33:18 PM
I am so worn out. My cognitive function is low and slow. I have a short fuse, and my body is so heavy and full of weird symptoms.
I really wish I could have a week vacation, guilt free. But it's not happening until December.

I am reading your journals, and posts. But I wont be able to comment very much for a few days I think. I'm with you in my thoughts though. Big hug to you all

No worries, Sceal. I know how you feel. Maybe just try and rest up and give yourself whatever time you can to relax and take deep breaths. ^^

I will try Apothic.  :)

I am not sure what I am today.

I'd like to say I feel empty, but that's not quite true.
I'd like to say I feel nothing matters, but that's also not quite true.
I'm unmotivated to do... anything. I'm even unmotivated to do nothing. Everything is a drag, yet huddling up in a blanket and in my own private world is also no good.
I am trying to get some reading done. I am painfully aware I will fail this exam, and I am pretty sure that I am going to ask my doc to sickleave me for the exam so I can take it next semester.  I feel I should make a new study plan, a proper one. And just start over. Do it right this time. Give myself more time.
Yet, it makes me feel like a failure. It makes me want to give up.

What am I doing with my life? I'll be 40 before I graduate at this rate. Who'll hire me? - I suppose it's too soon to think about that.
I feel like I need a cheering-club, or rather a mentor. Yet, I am unwilling to accept those around me who do think I can pull this off. And I'm unwilling to seek out a stranger for mentorship.  I guess I am just afraid of people. Afraid they'll hurt me. Afraid I'll get too attached, Afraid that I will dissapoint them.

Quote from: Sceal on October 15, 2017, 09:54:38 AM
I am not sure what I am today.

I'd like to say I feel empty, but that's not quite true.
I'd like to say I feel nothing matters, but that's also not quite true.
I'm unmotivated to do... anything. I'm even unmotivated to do nothing. Everything is a drag, yet huddling up in a blanket and in my own private world is also no good.
I am trying to get some reading done. I am painfully aware I will fail this exam, and I am pretty sure that I am going to ask my doc to sickleave me for the exam so I can take it next semester.  I feel I should make a new study plan, a proper one. And just start over. Do it right this time. Give myself more time.
Yet, it makes me feel like a failure. It makes me want to give up.

What am I doing with my life? I'll be 40 before I graduate at this rate. Who'll hire me? - I suppose it's too soon to think about that.
I feel like I need a cheering-club, or rather a mentor. Yet, I am unwilling to accept those around me who do think I can pull this off. And I'm unwilling to seek out a stranger for mentorship.  I guess I am just afraid of people. Afraid they'll hurt me. Afraid I'll get too attached, Afraid that I will dissapoint them.

I understand how you feel, Sceal. It's this painful lack of feeling and emotion, where nothing feels fun or worth it. Try not to worry too much about the exam. I think your idea of taking a sickleave is a good idea, gives you some more time. And if you think starting over the study plan will help, then you can do that too. ^^ But I don't think you're a failure, not at all. Even if you 'fail' the exam, you're still not a failure... you've still done something and achieved something and if you wish to re-take the course (if you can do that... not sure how uni works), you're guaranteed to do better than last time. You're always improving and getting things done, little by little but surely. :)

I had a course I had to do in Grade 11, which I couldn't end up completing because I started later than others. I thought I was failure but I learnt that, in the end, things do work out. I was able to start it again, right where I left off even and I had much more experience under my belt so it was easy to get into it, try again, finish it. Even then, it was hard, but I did things bit by bit, even when my motivation was low, I just paused, waited a little while, then slowly worked my way at it again. I eventually got it all done and passed and what have you. But just know that sometimes, and usually always, you have to go through a little bit of hardship, a 'failed exam' even to reach success. I don't know if any of what I'm saying helps or not. I try.  ;D

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 15, 2017, 10:15:50 AM
I understand how you feel, Sceal. It's this painful lack of feeling and emotion, where nothing feels fun or worth it. Try not to worry too much about the exam. I think your idea of taking a sickleave is a good idea, gives you some more time. And if you think starting over the study plan will help, then you can do that too. ^^ But I don't think you're a failure, not at all. Even if you 'fail' the exam, you're still not a failure... you've still done something and achieved something and if you wish to re-take the course (if you can do that... not sure how uni works), you're guaranteed to do better than last time. You're always improving and getting things done, little by little but surely. :)

I had a course I had to do in Grade 11, which I couldn't end up completing because I started later than others. I thought I was failure but I learnt that, in the end, things do work out. I was able to start it again, right where I left off even and I had much more experience under my belt so it was easy to get into it, try again, finish it. Even then, it was hard, but I did things bit by bit, even when my motivation was low, I just paused, waited a little while, then slowly worked my way at it again. I eventually got it all done and passed and what have you. But just know that sometimes, and usually always, you have to go through a little bit of hardship, a 'failed exam' even to reach success. I don't know if any of what I'm saying helps or not. I try.  ;D

It's taken me years to come to this point, where I accept that I can actually postpone something until later. And that it's okay not to succeed on the first try. I've known it for a while, but I haven't truly believed that also was true for me. But my emotional state still needs work.

Everytime I sit down to study, I am dragging my feet. And my thoughts goes to all other places, I know this is common. I know even 'healthy' people has this. It's just... too much for me. I have no idea what I am reading. And that's not a good way of learning. To be honest, I hope by getting a sickleave that means I have to wait another semester until I can take the exam, and not just a few weeks. Also don't quite know how that works.

Happy to hear that you managed to work your way through Grade 11 in your own time and pace. :) Maybe I should fail the exam to just get that experience under the belt, and maybe it'll prevent me, or rather reduce my super high expectations I set for myself.

Quote from: Sceal on October 15, 2017, 10:23:58 AM
It's taken me years to come to this point, where I accept that I can actually postpone something until later. And that it's okay not to succeed on the first try. I've known it for a while, but I haven't truly believed that also was true for me. But my emotional state still needs work.

Everytime I sit down to study, I am dragging my feet. And my thoughts goes to all other places, I know this is common. I know even 'healthy' people has this. It's just... too much for me. I have no idea what I am reading. And that's not a good way of learning. To be honest, I hope by getting a sickleave that means I have to wait another semester until I can take the exam, and not just a few weeks. Also don't quite know how that works.

Happy to hear that you managed to work your way through Grade 11 in your own time and pace. :) Maybe I should fail the exam to just get that experience under the belt, and maybe it'll prevent me, or rather reduce my super high expectations I set for myself.

I wouldn't necessarily say you should fail the exam on purpose, I think you should still try at least a bit because you know, if by damn miracle you pass then that would be great. Haha
If you try and fail, hey it happens. At least you'll come out of it with a good understanding of what kind of questions are actually in the exam so you'll have a much higher chance of passing the next one, mhm. :)
Also, I had one exam I was certain I would do poorly on but instead of wracking my brain trying to shove in info I didn't even understand, I instead worked on the stuff I DID understand, the easy stuff that I could perfect and I ended up getting a C- for that exam which is pssht, it's a pass, it works lol. Maybe you can try that?

If I get a C on an exam in this subject.. I'll celebrate with champagne (alright, not champagne, because it tastes like crap. but something good). I need C's all around if I ever have a chance of getting into the Master's program in 5 years.

But it's not just about the studying. It's all aspects of life. Today, I want nothing. It's all grey, dull and without much to rejoice over. I'll sharpen up again, I know. But I just... I dunno.

Quote from: Sceal on October 15, 2017, 11:46:36 AM
Today, I want nothing. It's all grey, dull and without much to rejoice over. I'll sharpen up again, I know. But I just... I dunno.

I understand. :hug: Hope it passes soon, Sceal.

i'm glad you know that the dullness will go, and you will be sharp again, sceal.   sometimes that's all we can know, but i think it's a lot.  big hug.

Thank you both. Big hugs!

I logged into the student web and withdrew from examination in one of the subjects today. I can still attend the lectures, but I wont today. I feel fragile, and lost in that subject. I haven't even opened the books. Next fall, I'll do it then.

I have to go out later today, I'm going to the gym with my support person. It'll do me good to excersise. I've eaten too much crap. And I got two birthday parties coming up this week. Then it wont be cake until my birthday, which is in a month. Mandatory cake. If I could, I'd flee the country.

I don't want to be locked up here at home. And I don't want to go out. I feel trapped within myself. I have no focus, and my friend visiting yesterday kept complaining that I was absent and dissociative and that I couldn't sit still. I'd like to sleep. Or rather, I'd like to really be productive. To be done with all these annoying symptoms that gets in the way of life.

they are annoying, and they suck.  we can only do what we can, and it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.  one of the things i've learned thru all this is patience - with myself and with the process.  you'll get there.  loving, warm hug for you.

I hope you're right, Sanmagic. I just don't see it right now.
Big hug back!

I was talking with my ex and roomie last night.
We were starting to fight, but it ended up in a long conversation. He is stuck in a rut, but he's not doing anything about it. He doesn't know what to do.
I tried to tell him seeking help is not something to be ashamed of. It's not a weakness.
He hates his job, but without education or sufficient language skills he doesn't have a high chance of getting a better job. He hates his weight. He doesn't know if he wants to stay in this country or move back to his family. He still resents me for breaking up with him 2 years ago. I suppose it's not easy still living with your ex when you still resent them.

I wish I could tell him everything. I wish I could feel I could talk to him. But I don't want to lay all my problems over on him, and I need to keep a distance so that the boundaries are still clear. For both of us.

But it hurts. It hurt to know that he still resents me. It hurt to know he feels he cannot say no to me. Eventhough I prefer him to say no if he can't or doesn't want to do whatever it is I am asking (it's mostly household tasks). I felt awful that he told me, because I started crying. I'm still crying. He is the sweetest man I've ever met - we're just not compatible. I am not strong enough to care for him, and I have no physical attraction to him. though in fairness I have no physical attraction to anyone - and I haven't had for years. I wish we could both feel at home where we live. I wish we could afford to both move on.

There's so much else I'd want to get off my chest on this topic... but I just.. I don't have the words. it gets so messy.

Deary me, you still with your ex? I can't imagine how that would be. :S I hope it wasn't a 'bad' relationship or ended sourly or anything...
You're right though, seeking help is not something to be ashamed of.

Hope everything is going alright with you, Sceal.  :hug: ^^
I just wanted to randomly express that I really enjoy your presence here, and I find I'm always looking out for your posts and reading them and generally wishing you well all the time. :) I admire you so much honestly. You do so much, achieve so much, though you may not feel that way. Even just going to the therapy groups and what not, studying and attending lectures, I just can't help but feel impressed by your ability to do all that. I swear if I tried all that I would break down in the first few days. >.>

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 17, 2017, 11:34:31 AM
Deary me, you still with your ex? I can't imagine how that would be. :S I hope it wasn't a 'bad' relationship or ended sourly or anything...
You're right though, seeking help is not something to be ashamed of.

It was a long drawn out painful breakup. But it's 2 years ago now. We are still friends, although at times rocky. It was hard in the beginning. I knew he was hurting so badly, and I knew it was my fault. I just couldn't love him the way he deserves. Or give him what normal, healthy men wants in a relationship. We had been distant for over a year before I broke it off. I still love him, but more as a brother. I talked to his mom today (THE most selfless woman I have ever been in contact with), told her I'm worried about him, and that maybe when he visits over for christmas if she'll talk to him. And help him with what she can and show him she supports him. And I'll do what I can.

Quote
Hope everything is going alright with you, Sceal.  :hug: ^^
I just wanted to randomly express that I really enjoy your presence here, and I find I'm always looking out for your posts and reading them and generally wishing you well all the time. :) I admire you so much honestly. You do so much, achieve so much, though you may not feel that way. Even just going to the therapy groups and what not, studying and attending lectures, I just can't help but feel impressed by your ability to do all that. I swear if I tried all that I would break down in the first few days. >.>

In all honesty I'm not sure how things are going. I'm in a vacuum most of the time. I am not really present, I'm not really here except for when I have to. I don't know if that's good or bad. It makes me unproductive, but it also makes me stress alot less. I've always found the question of "how are you doing?" hard to explain. On the one hand, then the other, and the third... you know? :)

I read your comment early this morning, and I've carried it with me all day. It's meant alot to me. Thank you so much, Aphotic. And I want you to know, I am also looking out for your posts and thinking about you alot. Trust me, I did break down after the summer ended. Well, in fairness I broke down before the semester even started. I hadn't calmed down from the last semester's exam, even nearly 3 months later. The first month of the semester with appointments all over the place, and new people and new litterature, new therapy, and all the conflicting things... I did break down. When my physiotherapist asked me for when I wanted to come back to her I started sobbing. Big fat, loud sobbing. It was nothing gracious about it at all.

I am not sure if it's so admireable. It happens every autumn (although I was good this year), I get a surge of "energy", or willpower. I decide that I've wasted enough time of being sad or not doing anything and I sign up for classes, courses, programs.
At the worst of it I was working 70% and also attending 7 courses outside work. I do not recommend it, to anyone. It's insane. It's not healthy or productive. I always crash and burn, and I never learn. It's only the last year I've learned to "slow" down. I do it because I feel guilty- you know? I got sick, instead of finishing a respectable education and work fulltime. I dissapointed my family, my father. Although he never said that. Never. And then it's the social pressure, to become something, someone. My country  you can barely get a job without a master's degree these days. I am not kidding, if you want to get a job cleaning a building... they will ask for an education in cleaning floors. So often you read in the newspaper about the leechers of society (me) the ones who are on wellfare. "all they need to do is get off their lazy * and find a job". So what choice is there? And also, it's a way to not feel. To not think. To ignore my past, my present. To ignore the physical, mental and emotional pain. Avoiding what needs being dealt with. Though, I've ended up with some weird collection of classes and courses. I've a few chinese calligraphy classes (which I loved), some quilting, some sewing, swordfighting, dancing, bookbinding, language courses (all failed), glassbeads, wound care, building houses the old fashioned way (including how to remove the outer layer of the tree, and how to chop a round trunk into a big fat plank with an axe), silk painting, art classes, economy classes, travel classes - I dunno - I lost count!  :blink: (this over the last 16 years mind you.. Listing them up like this is... it's interessting to see. )

All I really want to do is to be meaningful to others, to help others somehow - and to feel that my work is meaningful without it taking over my life.

It means alot to me that you say you admire me - I don't really understand. I don't see how you can. But I do believe you mean it, and I 110% apprechiate it!
This became a super long answer. Sorry about that, I was just on a roll remembering.

P.S Apothic  :) I read your post about the meaning of your nickname here on the forum. And you inspired me to pick one with meaning too. Mine is an Irish word meaning to tell the story (telling stories).  :hug:

San started a thread on what our names meant - maybe we should revive that thread?  ;D

What's in a name? http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5008.msg30565#msg30565

o, man, i was just thinking about that thread today!  weird.

sceal, you are meaningful in and of yourself.  you are sorting thru several 'messes', not the least of which is confronting this c-ptsd beast.   you are an admirable person for the fact that you keep reaching out, looking for help, learning what you can (you said you'll never learn about not overdoing it, but that sentence said that you have, in fact, learned something about it), and finding your truth among the lies that were programmed into you.

your pace, sweetie, your recovery.  it's all about you.  you help so many here - maybe you don't realize how meaningful that is.   your support is invaluable.   big hug to you.

Quote from: Sceal on October 17, 2017, 08:41:52 PM
It was a long drawn out painful breakup. But it's 2 years ago now. We are still friends, although at times rocky. It was hard in the beginning. I knew he was hurting so badly, and I knew it was my fault. I just couldn't love him the way he deserves. Or give him what normal, healthy men wants in a relationship. We had been distant for over a year before I broke it off. I still love him, but more as a brother. I talked to his mom today (THE most selfless woman I have ever been in contact with), told her I'm worried about him, and that maybe when he visits over for christmas if she'll talk to him. And help him with what she can and show him she supports him. And I'll do what I can.

Oh, I know how that feels. Feeling like you're not providing enough in a way, unable to give what the other person wants all the time. I really get you. But I think it's good that you broke it off. That kind of relationship can become very unhealthy I think... :S

QuoteI've always found the question of "how are you doing?" hard to explain. On the one hand, then the other, and the third... you know? :)

lol Yeah, definitely. Usually if someone asks how I'm doing I just lie and say 'good', because if I actually described how I was doing, I'd be there talking for at least 20 minutes. ;)

QuoteI read your comment early this morning, and I've carried it with me all day. It's meant alot to me. Thank you so much, Aphotic. And I want you to know, I am also looking out for your posts and thinking about you alot.

Thank you. ^-^

Quote[Mostly everything else that Sceal said lol]

I dunno, I think maybe I admire people in different ways to others. What I admire about you specifically is your ambition. That instead of sitting around, you're a fighter and you're trying your best. You've done so much! You're not one of those lazy leeches living on welfare because I mean look at you, you're doing whatever you can to make the circumstances better. It seems that way to me anyway. And all those weird classes and courses you've taken are great, it's all experience, all knowledge, and well the more knowledge you have the brighter you are. :) It's stunning to see how much you've done, I just can't help but feel impressed! You know the quote; "Better to try than not try at all?" You're like the living example of that, haha. It's great. I don't think it matters that you break down, or sob, cry, whatever. I appreciate your efforts and your willingness to try. I see so many people not try at all, believing they'll never make it and it's frustrating. I want to shake them, try to get it into their head that they won't get anywhere if they don't just try. So it's refreshing to see someone like you who does try. :)

Many apologies if I'm showering you with too much positivity. XD That can get annoying for some at times, sorry.

Quote from: Sceal on October 17, 2017, 09:55:14 PM
P.S Apothic  :) I read your post about the meaning of your nickname here on the forum. And you inspired me to pick one with meaning too. Mine is an Irish word meaning to tell the story (telling stories).  :hug:

I'm glad! :) I like your name. I don't know how you're supposed to pronounce it though. Haha, I just say 'seel', or is it meant to be said as 'skeel'?

QuoteSan started a thread on what our names meant - maybe we should revive that thread?  ;D

Thanks for the heads up, Three Roses. :)

Wow! So many answers!  :)

Three Roses: Thank you for the link, I had no idea! I'll post my name in there ASAP.

SanMagic: Thank you for such supporting words. It would mean alot to me if what I contribute with here do help people. I believe in sharing knowledge and experiences. I suppose you're right, I have realised that I keep over-reaching at certain stages, and that is I suppose the first step. You words have been with me today as I've been going about my day. I hope your day is wonderful.

Aphotic:
I think you pronounce it more like Sk-e-al. I'm not sure though, My Irish is beyond terrible.  ;D
I'll admit I do have ambition. Maybe it's one of those personality traits that's helpful in recovery? I see people not trying too, and it does frustrate me too. I wish I could help them, yet I know they have to be willing to do the work themselves. I have an uphill battle with my mom and her somatic health. :D

----
Had group today, I dissociated slightly. Or I dunno, half my brain was present and half of my brain was not. And when that happens it gets really difficult to pay attention. It's like, I know where I am - I can tell who's talking and who's around me. But I can't focus on what's being said and I can barely feel my body. I wouldn't be able to tell you if I'm standing or sitting. The voices were present today too, they haven't been for a while. The group leader helped me gently re-focus without bringing the entire groups attention to it - that was nice. And she talked a bit with me afterwards, which was also nice.

I am in a great mood today. After group I went for a 1.5 hour walk in the forest. There were other people out and about enjoying the lovely, rare sunlight too. I think I'll climb a mountain tomorrow. ( or do it the lazy way - take the "tram" up and then spend a few hours walking up there). It was refreshing, it was beautiful seeing the light coming through the leaves. And sitting by the tiny lake and enjoying the sun on my face. I even got to see the sunrise this morning (at 0850 :D ) It was golden, and gorgeous!

I've been sleeping great this week. I started up with 1200mg Omega 3 fish oil with vitamin D last week, and I've slept through each night. The dreams are still vivid, and still busy and sometimes stressful and chaotic. But I haven't slept a full night's sleep without sleeping drugs for the last 15 years. And with the exception of 2 years and about 6 months this year, I've been off sleeping drugs. So you can imagine my bliss in being able to sleep through a whole week without waking up 3-16 times a night. I am sure it's the omega 3. I also started up on metformin, but in half of the lowest doseage. I looked up briefly if omega 3 has any affect on sleep. and I found one study done with children that was successfull. Have to look more into it. After I started Omega 3, I also have less of the constant unease and fear.  I think there's a connection! I know omega 3 works on anxiety. I'll write a post about this somewhere else on the forum later on.

hey, sceal, so glad you've found something that's helping with your sleep.  as one who has sleep problems, the difference between not sleeping thoroughly, and getting some profoundly restful sleep is extremely incredible.  i'm so happy for anyone who finds a way to sleep.

it sounds like you have a great group moderator, one who can recognize a problem and take care of it discreetly.  that's always important to me - it does feel nice.  and kudos on all your nature walks.  pretty cool that you can enjoy it so much.  that's great.   loving warm hug coming your way.

Hi Sanmagic - I do hope it is the Omega 3, and that it actually does work on my sleep and that it's not a temporary thing. Sleep is so important both for mental health but also for physical health - and the recovery of both.  My sleeping problems started as a child, but it really took off when I was 16 and I got terrified of sleeping.  Sleeping suddenly meant being undefensieve, not being in control of who was in the room and so on. I stopped sleeping for 5 days in a row until I collapsed. I became psychotic and started hallucinating. It took years for me to stop visually hallucinating. I guess I haven't really stopped, it comes back if I'm too sick. I worship a good night of sleep, and feeling rested in the morning. That is the magic potion for me  ;D

I talked to the group leader a few weeks ago at the suggestion of my psychologist. That I need the practice to notice and come back from dissociations, and if it happens in the group it would be good to be brought back. Today was a good thing she did it discreetly. But I've said it's okay to do the whole group too at times.

Besides sleeping, nature is my other healing potion. It lowers my stress so much, and I just love seeing the texture of rocks and trees and moss and grass. And the various colours, and how the light falls and changes things. It's beautiful.
Big loving hug back your way

I went to bed at 20 yesterday. I was so worn out all day.
I didn't do any studying, and I don't want to do any today too. Or I want to, but I... I can't figure it out.
I was supposed to go to a lecture about psychiatric diagnoses and whether we need them, or if they need a change. it sounded very interessting - but yesterday morning I just went back to bed.

I got up and out and met the two people I had arranged to meet. A guy I was selling a book to and getting a signature off a university employee so I could get my dyslexia aids. I was going to go for another hike as it didn't rain, but I was so physically worn out.

Today I got my first therapist session on two weeks. I am not sure what to tell her or what to talk about. I guess I'll find out once I get there.
My sister is having a family-birthday dinner at a restaurant today. She and I haven't always gotten along. I was jealous of her growing up. She got to stay at home with mom, when I was at school being bullied. (she's 5 years younger than I, no wonder she wasn't at school - but that didn't stop my jealousy). She was skinny and beautiful, despite being 1/4th of active as I was, and we had the same nutrition. She got praised for her good language skills, whereas I kept being berated (though no one knew I was dyslexic). I was just jealous, but at the same time I was fiercly protective of her. We had some good years after I became an adult and she was still a teen. We'd cook together and watch a movie together, or play a game. Then we drifted apart again, barely spoke other than when on rare occasions we'd run into each other unplanned at our parents house. But the past year we've been talking more. And it feels good.
she got asbergers, so she got some limitations. But *, so do I. We both feel like we've failed our parents. Neither has a full time job after a university degree. Neither is married and neither has children (and none of us want kids).
It feels like I got an ally. It feels good to finally not be jealous of her, and her not of me. And it feels good to be able to talk to someone who understands how bothersome M can be - and how much worse she's gotten the last few years.

Oh Sceal, I know how you feel. I'm actually in bed right now as I type this, haha. Just so worn out, can't do much. It's frustrating at times.

Hope your session goes/has gone well. :) And it's nice to know you're talking to your sister about that stuff with your M. It can definitely be very validating and reassuring to know you're not alone, that you have someone who really understands what it was like.

I'm a little envious that you have the ability to go for a hike on a whim. Though I'm more happy for you than envious. ;) I would love to be able to go out into nature and just walk alone... breathe in that fresh air and listen to the birds. It's nice to even just think about.

I would like nothing more than to go back to bed right now.
I've been googling online rather than studying. I read a couple of pages, and it wore me out and I ended up sleeping for an hour.  :no:

I should go out and walk more than I do. Nature do heals, but most of the time I'm stuck inside looking out the window at the bits of nature i can see.
Being a student makes your time more flexible, and nature is very easilly accessible in my country.

I haven't been to my T yet, it's another hour and half. I'll be shattered tonight, after seeing M. I hope I can dodge F's question about uni.
I've been sketching a bit lately, I am trying to motivate myself to do more.

Just back from my session.
I'm knackered. In the two weeks without any session I had forgotten how taxing therapy is! Amazing how quickly one forget.

She said it was nice to see me again, that it had been a while. That made me feel welcome, and wanted. It was good.

It was nice, I wasn't overly anxious. I kept eyecontact, and I talked without going too quiet. We did an analysis of the anxiety and paranoia that came with last week's anonymous SMS. And how I can start working with remaining within or on the threshold of the Window of Tolerance.
What I'll be working towards:
Breathing
- breath in on 3, breath out on 4: in order to get my thinking brain back in action.
Orientation:
- Time and date
- Where am I
- What am I doing later in the day
Thoughts:
- Revaluate realistic level of probability of threat

Next we're probably going to talk about dissociation again. I am looking forward to it.
I really like my psychologist.

sounds like you're making some great progress with your t, sceal.  it's so wonderful that you like them.  that's a significant part of therapy.

i really like your check-in list, especially about determining what the real threat level is for the day.   that's something i never thought of, but it makes sense.  good for you.

keep up the good work,  it definitely sounds like progress to me.  big hug to you.

Big hug back, Sanmagic.

Thank you. It feels like everytime I have a decent or good day, I'll have 3-4 bad days following. I hope it is progress as you say, and not just me running in circles.

It gets hard to evaluate the realistic level or probability of threat when my paranoia kicks in. I can't tell one thing from the other when that happens.

It's nice to hear you like your psychologist, Sceal. :) Very nice.

I've been trying to find a word the describes how I feel. "tired" and "worn" doesn't quite fit the bill.

I have little physical or mental energy. My limbs feel like they weigh a ton, so walking or lifting things are requiring every strength I got. Working out or going for walks doesn't seem to help. I understand that it's my mental health who's taking a toll on my body. Somehow telling me it's enough now.
I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to get up from bed, but I don't want to lie in bed either.

Everytime someone invites me for a new thing a birthday dinner, or there's a rescheduling an appointment. I feel like the air is taken out of me. I know I just got to buckle up and deal with it. And I know that this is the result of the last 2 years (I feel I should set a time-limit somewhere. The old wounds are still there and untreated. It's just... an easier perspective for me) of being SA, manipulated and invalidated mixed with trying to find my two legs again meanwhile hiding it from nearly everyone. Some people know I struggle, but they see me as functional - because what would it serve if I broke down infront of them? It'd just be more shame.

I don't know. I am just fed up. I don't want to learn new things, I don't want to have more stimuli, I don't want to pretend anymore.
I just want a house that I can call my own, a small house nearby a pond or a forest with a fireplace. Where I can retreat, rest, and recover my will to live life proper.  Away from demands and expectations, away from judgement and people who believe they know who I am - yet never ask me how I am and why that is.

I am just having a whiny day. Never mind my rant.

QuoteSome people know I struggle, but they see me as functional - because what would it serve if I broke down infront of them? It'd just be more shame.

I know how you feel there, Sceal. Appearing functional on the outside whilst crippled and falling apart on the inside.  :fallingbricks: But everyone sees that "You're doing okay" and doesn't question anything or give you some kind of pat on the back, when you would REALLY love a simple pat on the back.

QuoteI just want a house that I can call my own, a small house nearby a pond or a forest with a fireplace. Where I can retreat, rest, and recover my will to live life proper.  Away from demands and expectations, away from judgement and people who believe they know who I am - yet never ask me how I am and why that is.

:hug: I wish the same, for you, and for myself. I'm sure we'll get that eventually, just takes a bit of time unfortunately.

Also I hope my constant replying to your posts and stuff doesn't seem too stalkerish. :P It's just, when I start reading a specific individual's posts, it's easier to read the rest of their posts and follow along. Having some backstory and context helps my confidence and motivation to reply more. ;D

dear sceal, i can so relate.

the first couple of years that i was w/ my hub in mex., i was sick and sluggish all the time.  he was great at doing errands, etc., taking me to doc appts., just babying me.  it was wonderful.

one day i realized that i could stay this way forever and he'd never complain, but i also thought that wasn't quite fair to him.  i gave it some thought and it came to me that if i got well, there would be those expectations and such placed on me.  at the time no one asked very much from me cuz i was too sick all the time.

what was wrong with my picture was that i had ICr laying on the expectations that i had to go along with everyone else's expectations for me, and i was terrified of that.  my solution was to get as well as i could so that i could function better, but also know that i could say no to invitations and expectations i wasn't interested in, or that i couldn't 'buckle down' and do because it would be detrimental to my health and well-being.

just my experience, but reading yours rang a bell with me.  one of my mantras has become 'i'll do the best i can when i'm able', and feeling able is entirely personal and subjective.  it's ok that i can't do what i used to do, and i don't have to come up with excuses to please someone else's sense of what i should/shouldn't be able to do.

my t told me that i've learned enough, done enough right now, and it's time to rest.  may i suggest you pick and choose for yourself what exactly you feel like doing, whether it's something, nothing, or somewhere in between.  you've got a lot to deal with already - you don't need more right now.  it's ok.  no shame, no blame.  your body is telling you it needs a break.  it's ok to take one.   sending you a big hug filled with caring and love.

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 22, 2017, 01:04:34 PM
Also I hope my constant replying to your posts and stuff doesn't seem too stalkerish. :P It's just, when I start reading a specific individual's posts, it's easier to read the rest of their posts and follow along. Having some backstory and context helps my confidence and motivation to reply more. ;D

Not at all, dear! I value every comment and 'hello's' that I get. It makes me feel seen and a heard in anotherwise deaf world. :)

Dear San,
I have thought of that, the relief and how de-stressing it would be if there would be someone willing to doing all the things I don't want to prioritize but must. Like doing errands as you mention. Or fixing lightbulbs, or doing the laundry - without being told and nagged at. Just magically being done - because then I would be free to be me, and not have the energy stolen away by menial tasks. I don't deserve someone looking after me that way, and I don't think I'd let anyone either for a longer period of time.  :bigwink: But it does sound wonderful, and I am glad that you got that for a period of time in your life. A little bit of freedom, in a way.

I've had talks with my doc and my T about the inner critics expectations, and who's expectations am I really following? Would anyone care if I didn't live up to those imagined expectations? Probably not, not most of them anyway. And I had to practice the thought of "Do I really want to do this?" "What do I want?", it was an alien concept for me when I started. It's been on hold for a long time now, and I've recently started asking those questions again. And sometimes it takes hours before I can answer, but most of the time I don't know the answer.

I have decided (more or less) that I wont take this exam this semester, I will postpone it til next semester. I'll continue working on the subject, and study. But I still feel guilty when I can't open the book. It's lying there on the table - easy accessible. It's just 15 minutes of reading puts me to sleep for 1-2 hours because it's so taxing. I've decided to lie to my parents about why I am not taking the exam. I am going to fake pnemonia or the flu. I haven't quite decided what illness, but it'd be something they would understand and not question me about. And something they can't really judge me for. Not really, I've struggled with bronchitis since I was a baby. It's been a few years since I last had bronchitis, and I usually end up walking around doing errands and going to work unless I'm  so feverish I can't get up, or someone is sending me back home. And they know I tend to work despite my bronchitis, but pnemonia is different.
Luckily I don't live at home, so I can just fake it over a phone call.

This is me avoiding judgement and conflict, and avoiding dissapointing them with an illness they don't understand the reasons for. They don't know what happened to me, or that I have PTSD. I am not even sure if they know about any of my diagnoses. They never talk to me about it, and I am not going to open the topic up for discussion.

I do feel shame about my desicion though. I do. I feel like I am not living up to my imagined potential. I am not living up to what I could have been if I'd never had PTSD. When it comes to creating, working or studying I don't like to admit that I have limitations or a handicap as my former GP called it. I flat out refuse to admit it in my mind, so everytime I fail - I fail becuase I am a failure. I am bad. I am not good enough. Not because my processing is slower than average due to PTSD and dyslexia. Not because my concentration is shattered due to hearing voices, PTSD and anxiety.  When I can't walk uphill without sounding like an 80 year old, it's because I'm lazy, fat and unfit and not because of my asthma. (although I am also unfit...) I've talked to friends who also have a tendency to compare themselves to impossible people. Athletes and super-power people. I don't really compare myself with those. But I do compare myself towards successfull people, to healthy people. To people who don't have alot of extra baggage, and still expect myself to perform at their level. I know it doesn't work like that - I know I have to compare myself towards how I was 6 months ago. Or even just one month ago. Not against other people.

So much self-judgement. No wonder I don't feel like I am ever good enough. Putting this down here was a little mind opening. I hadn't even planned on writing today.

i'm all for mind opening, so i'm really glad you did decide to write.  another step forward, sceal.  yay, you.

you're gonna get there, of that i have no doubt.  you're doing exactly what you need to do for you, exactly the way you're able to do it.   i see progress.   sending you a hug filled with more mind-opening moments and lots of caring.

Thank you San.
It's good to hear that there are some signs of progress, i don't yet see them myself. But maybe in time?

I was unable to wake up this morning. I normally wake up around 7. Around 8 I moved my sore and painful body to the sofa and slept there until about 10.
I feel groggy, unmotivated and just... I don't know. Perhaps sad?

I dreamt about the wife of my last SAer. That I was somehow forced to meet up with her and some others from that group, that they were busy telling me how much they had missed me to guilt me into hanging around, and kept prying me with questions as if it were their business. I was just a shadow of myself. And then I had to drive them back home, because the person driving them suddenly couldn't. Another ruse to get me to stay.

It wasn't a very dramatic or vivid dream as I usually have. But it was preying on my feelings of guilt, fear, sadness and shame. It's not really any wonder why I feel so worn out and why I'm so groggy this morning. I wish my brain would start giving me healing dreams - rather than all of this.

sceal, perhaps a shift is coming and your subconscious is getting your consciousness ready for it.  that shame and guilt belong with your abuser - you have nothing to be ashamed or guilty about.  maybe these dreams are healing dreams in the sense that they're going to allow you to move out from under those horrible feelings you've been carrying around.

i'm hoping, for your sake.  dreams can be funny critters.  that wife character could have been representing you.  i don't know, but i've had dreams like that on my way to healing or realizing something i needed to know, where one person actually was meant to be someone else.

warm and loving hug to you, sceal.  you'll get thru this.  in the meantime, you deserve to rest and sleep.  battling this beast is hard work. 

I am not sure that they are healing. It's his wife I am most afraid of. I am afraid she will find out what she will  then do. It's high risk she would not believe my side, and thus physically attack me. And as well as do a thorough smear campaign. She also suffer from cPTSD.
But even worse is that I fear she actually knew what he was doing.

Thank you though for your comforting words and the loving hug! Means allot, it does.

----
I am on the busstop now, waiting for the bus up to the hospital.
I am going to meet the surgeon in an hour. I dont know what to expect, I hope I am not supposed to perform something and that it's just information for me. I brought a notepad to take notes so I won't forget what he says.

I am nervous and numb at the same time.

Hi Sceal,
Just wanted to wish you well with things today -  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: Thank you Hope. 😊

I've gained alot more weight than I thought. I am angry, upset, ashamed and resigned all at once over this. I know most of it is due to the medication i had up until June. But also my inactivity  last 2 -3 weeks...

My blood pressure is heightened, might just  have been the stress of today, but I ought to have it checked out. I fear more pills...

Regarding surgery.. i was told about the risks primarily. And that itll be in approximately 6 months. I am scared

Hi Sceal,
I just saw your entry in your journal, and you've been given a lot of news to take in - so be kind to yourself (if you want to of course) and give yourself time to process it (if you think that would help) - sorry about the brackets, I have been feeling a bit fragile for whether I put my foot in things or not - and a bit concerned to say the wrong thing... 
But what I'm trying to say is that I hope you'll find some strength somewhere to cope with the results - and that your feelings of being scared - they're perfectly normal, I think - and just give yourself some time - and hopefully you can think about things that will help you - I really enjoy walking for exercise - and sometimes running too.  I know you said you'd been inactive for the last 2 to 3 weeks, so maybe changing that will be good.  But whatever you do, or don't do, I would like to send you a hug.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Big hug to you Hope! You didnt put your foot in. Your words are exactly what I needed to hear right now. I am on my way home now,  once I get there i will make a big cup of tea with honey and just try and process.

may i say, sceal, that i just really enjoy you. 

sorry you have to face surgery next year.  bummer.  having just had some myself, i know how it feels to play the waiting game, and it sucks.  sending you a hug filled with strength and energy.

Hope you're doing okay, Sceal. ^-^
It must be terrifying to know you'll have surgery... I hope it's not an overly risky surgery...

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 28, 2017, 02:12:59 AM
may i say, sceal, that i just really enjoy you. 

sorry you have to face surgery next year.  bummer.  having just had some myself, i know how it feels to play the waiting game, and it sucks.  sending you a hug filled with strength and energy.

Thank you Sanmagic for such nice words :) I hope you are recovering well from your surgery!  :hug:

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on October 30, 2017, 08:34:48 AM
Hope you're doing okay, Sceal. ^-^
It must be terrifying to know you'll have surgery... I hope it's not an overly risky surgery...

The surgery itself doesn't scare me. I'm not scared of hospital, I am quite comfortable in them. I've been in and out of psych-wards for the past 12 years, I guess I've accumulated some sort of feeling mostly safe at hospitals. I've also had two or three surgeries as a child. I don't remember much of them.

It's not a life threatening surgery. I don't HAVE to have it. But I chose too. More than likely it will clear out a few other physical illnesses along with it. Such as my asthma, my pcos, insulin resistance and it may even affect depression. But it will mean a whole different kind of lifestyle from thereon and out. I've had an eating disorder, and I desperatedly need to fix it before this happens. And I need to re-wire my brain to learn different prolongued stress-handling

I am scared of complications though.

best to you, sceal.  hopefully, no complications, just positive differences for you.  standing with you.  big hug.

Me too. Big hug back

Had my session with my T yesterday.
We talked about a lot of things. One of them is food, it's a hard topic for me. It makes me frustrated, sad, scared, ashamed. I'm not good at talking about my relation to food or my viewpoint of myself. But although it's extremely shameful, it also feels slightly good afterwards. To be able to voice some of my struggles to someone who doesn't judge me for it. She gave me a new homework in related to meals. I am to plan my meals and write them down the day before. And then the next day follow through with it, and write down what I eat and roughly how much (i.e how many porsjons, or how many slices of bread), as well as when. I am supposed to eat at certain times as well. This is going to be challenging. Mostly emotional and mentally. It's going to demand a lot out for me to eat more than I usually do. But I hope it will make me plan and choose healthier meals for myself. I am going to do this, even if it is hard - difficult and demands alot of out me. But not trying something new definitively wont change anything.

Then we talked about being present. Or mindful - if you like. I said I feel I am more aware of what I've been doing the past week than I have been the last month. She says that's a good sign. My last homework was to note down my awareness during my morning medication (which I forgot today!) and if I was distant I was to do excersises to increase my awareness. I didn't do them. And she asked me why. And I told her it was a mixture of forgetting, but also being unmotivated. She said that being unmotivated is therapy-harming, and was wondering where it came from. I told her, I don't quite know. That I theorize that my motivation to do anything comes down to the fact it's been so much for so long, and constantly new information to process from all sides - that my brain decided it needed a break. She said she understood, but pointed out that the way I've been doing it has preventing me from taking a proper break. Because a break needs a beginning and an end, and instead I'm just floating around doing very little. Beating myself up about not doing this, or not doing that. Telling myself I'm being lazy. And that's hardly a break. She used herself as an example, that if come evening she felt tired and wondered why. She reminded herself that she had gotten up early, woken her son and got him out to school. Gone to work, come back home, made and ate dinner - and that there was no wonder she was tired and patted herself on the back for the effort of the day. And she suspects that I don't validate my own effort. I don't allow myself to be tired from trying everyday. I think she has a point. I hope I will remember, I am tearing up while thinking about this. She gave me more concrete homework.
I had forgotten about that too until I was reading her note just now. I'll have to make myself a bigger note.

But then, she said something surprising and out of the blue. She said that she always looked forward to her sessions with me. That she found our sessions interessting, and that I am motivated for change and do the work, even during the weeks when things are more challening than usual, or when I am unmotivated generally like I am now. I felt that she was telling me that I was an important patient of hers, and that she really enjoys my company and our conversations. She couldn't look me in the eye when she told me this, it made me think she was a little embarrassed to say it. I was stunned. And all I could muster was a quiet thank you. I will try and tell her next week that it meant alot for me to hear that. I am not good with voicing my emotions, or telling people that they matter to me, or what they say matter to me. But this mattered. And I've been thinking of it ever since.

Group today was alright. The atmosphere was low and slightly tense. A few people were having a really rough day and it was affecting the rest of the group. But I kept focus throughout most of group, and I think that's progress. I drove one of the other patients home afterwards. Because it was pouring down and she had a 30-40 min walk in the rain. We ended up talking in the car for a while after we got to her place. She told me some of the stuff she's been through, and she's such a strong person, and yet still so young. She's impressed me so many times. It was nice too! I didn't share though, it's not my habit. My habit is to listen.

QuoteI'll have to make myself a bigger note. 

Sorry to intrude on your Journal, but I wanted to tell you something that I do when I need to remember something but I'm having a hard time. There are markers specially made for glass that you can buy in the art Department of places like Kroger's or Fred Meyers or maybe Walmart. They wipe off cleanly but are made specifically for writing on glass and so I write myself notes on my mirror in the bathroom, where I will see it for sure. Thought I'd share that, hope it helps.  :)

Quote from: Three Roses on November 01, 2017, 03:16:07 PM
Sorry to intrude on your Journal

You're not interrupting at all! I apprechiate commments  :)

Quotebut I wanted to tell you something that I do when I need to remember something but I'm having a hard time. There are markers specially made for glass that you can buy in the art Department of places like Kroger's or Fred Meyers or maybe Walmart. They wipe off cleanly but are made specifically for writing on glass and so I write myself notes on my mirror in the bathroom, where I will see it for sure. Thought I'd share that, hope it helps.  :)

That's a brilliant idea! I used to have walls behind my desk, but now I got curtains. It's hard to pin stuff to those. Thank you for the tip! :)

Hi Sceal's,

I found it emotional to read your journal entry describing your session with your therapist - just wanted you to know I read your journal entry and it was really nice to hear how your therapist shared her own thoughts with you - now I've started saying this, I feel 'tied-up' - but I'm trying to say that I think it sounds like a really positive and helpful interaction that you have with your therapist.  That's really good. 

I also wanted to wish you well with the food side of things.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Sceal on November 01, 2017, 02:31:59 PM

But then, she said something surprising and out of the blue. She said that she always looked forward to her sessions with me. That she found our sessions interessting, and that I am motivated for change and do the work, even during the weeks when things are more challening than usual, or when I am unmotivated generally like I am now. I felt that she was telling me that I was an important patient of hers, and that she really enjoys my company and our conversations. She couldn't look me in the eye when she told me this, it made me think she was a little embarrassed to say it. I was stunned. And all I could muster was a quiet thank you. I will try and tell her next week that it meant alot for me to hear that. I am not good with voicing my emotions, or telling people that they matter to me, or what they say matter to me. But this mattered. And I've been thinking of it ever since.

I think this is so cool.  I've always heard that T's are supposed to be impersonal but think that it is important that they show genuine interest in the well being of their clients.  My T has expressed similar interest and it meant a lot to me, like she was invested in her work with me and a deep sense that I was heard.  It sounds like you found a good T for you and that you are both invested in the strong, brave and wonderful person that you are.  Good work and thank you for sharing.

Dear Hope,
I hope it was a good kind of emotional read and not triggering for you!

Dear RbSwan
She has on a few occations said positive things about me. Such as that I am cognitively strong - which I took as a compliment. And I do think she meant it as one, although I can understand it sounds a bit weird. But it meant alot to me. She's also told me when she's been away on vacation that it's nice to see me again. Making me feel like I'm just another bothersome patient.

---- (maybe triggering?)
I'm so angry right now. I have this iron hot and cold ball with spikes of anger inside me. And everytime I breathe it feels as if it's spikes are tearing me open, filling me with sadness.
I didn't follow my eating plan today, because I didn't make it yesterday. I only planned for dinner. I cheated. And then when dinner came I ate too much. It feels as if my somach doesn't have enough room to expand, and I can't breathe properly.
I am going to the SA centre, I have an appointment. And I hate being there when I'm emotionally activated.
This anger is so intense, and it's so surprising. It's so full of self-loathing, and the desire to bad stuff is high. Incredible high. But I've got enough control to avoid it.
I have to go now, otherwise I'm going to be late.  I want to write more, but no time.

Hang on, together we can make it! :hug:

i echo 3 roses, sceal.  we can do this together. 

so glad about what your t said.  i think it's great for a t to have some personality in a session, rather than just a kind of robotic listening mode.   

hang tough, honey.  we're hangin' right beside you.  big hug filled with comfort and love.

Thank you guys. It's nice to hear someone is listening and cheering me on.

---

The anger laster for quite a long time, and my impulses to self destruct was high. But I had an appointment at the SA center, and that came first. And afterwards I was too numb to care. And my impulses were prevented.
I was frightened, sad and angry. And somehow at the same time, underactivated. It was hard to talk, it was hard to participate in the conversation. But little by little the anger evaporated. Turned into disgust with myself instead. We talked about alot of things. Amongst other things my network, or rather lack there of.
She suggested I join a group at the SA center. Meet up every thursday at 6. there's 3 other ladies in my age range.  I didn't say yes yet. But I also didn't say no.
I'm not sure what to do. We also talked about vulnerability. And the ability to be vulnerable with others, she asks if I push people away. And I suppose I do. Despite wanting desperatedly to be able to open up, to be vulnerable. I just.. don't. I'll admit to having a bad day, but nothing more than that. Not why, or what a "bad day" means to me. I'm an expert at avoiding talking about emotions and an expert of pushing the emotions away.
When I walked out of there I was numb. Nothing mattered.
I listened to some music to see if that helped, it didn't.

Today I feel raw. I will try and get my * out the door and down to town and get some art supplies. But I feel horrid. If there was a rock I could hide under and not come out from, I'd choose that.

I hope you do your best Sceal.

Vulnerability is incredibly tough and it often takes effort for anyone to have it. But it gets better along the way if you keep going.

Take care.

all these emotions that are being stirred up can become overwhelming, sceal.  that is righteous anger you've got going, and you deserve to not only feel it but express it (so that it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, of course).  my favorite expression is pounding my bed, yelling/cussing/name-calling (sometimes just in my head if there are others in the house), but i know that people do it all different ways.  whatever works best - it's all personal and individual.

why did you feel disgusted with yourself?  just curious, you don't have to answer.  i didn't read anything that would suggest you deserved that kind of feeling. 

trusting others enough to be vulnerable with them takes time.  it's a process.  people show they deserve to be trusted by their actions and words.  when we get into a new relationship (including a support group situation)  it's gonna take time to trust.  personally, i think it might not be a bad idea to give that sa center group a go.  you can always leave, but i have heard (many many times) that when joining a new group, to give it a fair chance by attending at least 6 times (if possible).

i'm not trying to put any pressure on you - these are just my opinions.  i know you'll do what's best for you at the time.  i think you're doing well at expressing yourself here, talking about your emotions/feelings.   you're getting there.  i have faith in you.  sending a hug filled with patience for yourself, nurturing, and love.

I have a big binder full of things and suggestions I can do in relation to emotional stress, or being overwhelmed. And I tried some of them, but yesterday and today... They didn't really work. Physically I get all numb, inactive. I mean - I move around if I have to, or have a purpose. But mostly I don't have any strength - even when I'm angry. So pummeling the bed doesn't work. I only yell in traffic at other drivers (not road rage). I have a hard time raising my voice in general.

Why I'm disgusted with myself? Because of my body. It's size, it's needs, it's reactions. It's betrayal of me. That no matter how hard I try, I cannot make it function the way I need it to. It keeps breaking down on me, and I have no patience for it. I know I should be kinder to it, it's the only one I got. And it's not going to get any better the more I hate it. It's just so deep seethed, it's been like that since primary school. Since the bullying, since the first SA assault, since the kid next door made me watch porn as a kid. And I'm disgusted that my mind isn't strong enough or powerful enough to be brainy. That I can't compare or compete with the "normal kids".  I know it's not my fault, not really. But it's not how I feel. And it's so hard to voice. To say out loud.
It makes me feel as if I am looking for pity, which I am not.

My psychologist doesn't know I go to the SA center. I'm not sure why I've kept it hidden from her. I don't know if it'll interefer with the treatment she gives me and the group I'm inolved with the psych. clinic. I know that certain treatments do not encourage to do multiple treatments at the same time - due to overwhelm and overload. And generally the concept that multitasking doesn't make things more efficiant, but rather it makes doing the things of less quality.

Thank you for the nurturing hug. I hope your recovery from the surgery is improving each and every day.

hey, sceal,

i think it would be a good idea to tell your psych., to discuss if there might be any interference, why you like going to the group, etc.  i believe that if we want to get the most out of our therapy, our best move is to be upfront and honest.  your psych may think it's a great idea for you to have such support.  just my opinions.

disgust with our bodies - well, that's pretty common.  it's very sad, but common.  since i got sick, my body blew up and stayed there, feeling like it's not my body at all.   on my better days i'm ok with it.  on my not such good days, i feel ashamed of it.  (whoa, that's a new thought just this moment.  ashamed - i haven't felt much shame in my life).

thank you so much for writing that as it put me in touch with something i was out of touch with before.  there's a perfect example of how we impact others just by writing about ourselves.  yeah, it's a disgusting thought, that i'm ashamed of my body.  it's gone thru so much for me and continues to keep me alive.

hang tough, sceal.  we'll get there.  big hug.

Hi there, sending some support to you as well.  :grouphug: if that's okay.

I have some disgust with my body too. I have a certain disorder that can make me hypersensitibe to noise enough that it can give me panic attacks in a crowd as well as physical exhaustion. I'd get tough on myself on being so sensitive this way.

I hope I'm not hurting you in any way by saying this, but being strong or brainy doesn't mean you'll be happy. There are lots of people out there that use their special strengths to gain attention — but it never becomes enough — because they place their value on what they do than who they are. People tell me I'm smart, but it rarely ever seems to be enough to me. But if by hearing that, it doesn't change how you're feeling at all – that's alright too.

It's hard really — to be kind to yourself. But we can try together, right?

Thanks for being so open about something so difficult.

I'm new to this comforting thing so if I do anything wrong, please tell me.

Take care.

Quote from: Sceal on November 03, 2017, 11:24:22 PM
Why I'm disgusted with myself? Because of my body. It's size, it's needs, it's reactions. It's betrayal of me. That no matter how hard I try, I cannot make it function the way I need it to. It keeps breaking down on me, and I have no patience for it. I know I should be kinder to it, it's the only one I got. And it's not going to get any better the more I hate it. It's just so deep seethed, it's been like that since primary school. Since the bullying, since the first SA assault, since the kid next door made me watch porn as a kid. And I'm disgusted that my mind isn't strong enough or powerful enough to be brainy. That I can't compare or compete with the "normal kids".  I know it's not my fault, not really. But it's not how I feel. And it's so hard to voice. To say out loud.

Sending support too  :grouphug: Since so many bad things happened to you and your body, it doesn't surprise me that you don't like it very much or feel disgusted by it. I don't mean I think you should, but that I think it's quite common for us with C-PTSD. I feel less disgust at my own body than I used to, so it can get better. Various members of FOO felt ashamed of my body when I was just a child and they showed /expressed this. There might be something similar going on with you. So it's quite possibly not your shame.

Looking back to Nov. 1st entry, it sounds as if you're working really hard and making progress  :cheer: :cheer: then maybe a little step back or two, that's normal for us. Standing with you.  :hug:

I would like to reply to all of you. And I will try to do so tomorrow.
But right now, I just need to talk about today.

*potential TW for those who struggle with food*
I'm not so angry anymore. Or I suppose I am, deep under the surface, under lock and key. I am more numb now. Last week's emotion took it's toll on me, and I did what I do best... push it all away. Avoid it.
I had my session today. She adviced against joining a group at the SA centre right now. Maybe later, once I'm done with DBT.
We spent the majority of the time talking about food. It was hard, it was incredible hard. We went over every little thing that I ate the last 7 days, and why I ate it, and why I waited for so long, or why I didn't plan it out properly. Or what I feelt, my reactions. It was hard. Come day 4 I couldn't continue. There was too much shame, too much feeling like a failure. It wasn't my T's fault, it's my need to please. My need to do as I'm told, my need to impress.

She asked me about my plan for the second day, what I thought of it. I said I thought it was more than I usually eat, but that it was alright. I felt it was better than the others. She told me thought it was too little food. That was the same day I had calculated the kcalories, and yes... it's to little. It was barely above a 1000kcal for that day. I know, I KNOW 1000-1200 kcal a day is too little. Yet, unless I eat buns, pasteries or crisps I find it incredible hard to eat enough food. I know that it's screwing up my system. It's not really something I think about. I don't usually go around thinkin "I need to skip this meal" or "I'll just push it another hour.. maybe the hunger will go away." I used to, but that's a while ago now. This planning my meal and documenting it, it's putting on a lot of stressors. A lot of fear and confusion and shame. But I have to push through it, I need to learn. I need to teach my brain and my body to eat enough food. And to be aware of what happens when I get restless or very emotional right before a mealtime.

I will try to do better this week. I will try and remember what she said. To stop up, notice what is happening, and let it happen. The feelings are okay. I've only learned to act on anger in one way. It's to turn it all inward on myself, regardless if I was at fault or not. Regardless if I was even involved. And then I would SI. And when I couldn't do that anymore, I guess, perhaps.. maybe I turned to food instead. It remains to be seen.

When we got halfway through day 4, she stopped. And we stood balancing on one foot while counting instead. To make me come down from the intense amount of shame I was feeling. I couldn't look at her, I barely spoke up. I was rubbing my hands raw. And she helped me out of it. After the worst of the shame got lessened, I just felt nauseaus so we threw a ball. It was the most surrealistic thing. I never thought I was ever going to throw a ball back and forth with any psychologists in their office... Ever. But it helped. It grounded me. The nausea went away, and I could focus on her again. We didn't talk more about food. She let me borrow her ball. It's a massage ball, one of those pointy ones.

End of TW

I apologize if I give too much information, or write too long posts. It... just helps me remember. To process. And all of your feedback and support is invaluable. Thank you for listening to me. Really! I feel really like a self centered *, writing here all the time. But I try to remind myself it's my journal, and it's okay.

I know what you mean about long posts because I do long posts too. Mine help me remember and even help me process, make realisations and ultimately heal. I know the Moderators prefer shorter posts but it doesn't always work out that way and they've posted that that's OK too. Especially in your Journal you don't need to apologise.

I think becoming self-centred is part of some of our healing. Maybe even for all of us. Because e.g. in my case for so long my feelings were really revolved around FOO and rejecting of myself. Now I'm learning to accept myself and move FOO of centre-stage.

Your post reminds me that I did some unhealthy eating today too, among all the points of progress. So thank you for that.

Your therapy on eating sounds really gruelling. I think I would go bananas! So good on you for making it as far as you did.  :hug:

hey, sceal, that really did sound gruelling.  i didn't think your post was too long.  as you know, i do the same for myself when i need to.  it is your journal, and it is ok.

i love words, and have found that choosing and using certain words has helped my brain be more accepting of myself - something i sorely need to recover from all this.  in your post, i noticed that you said something about trying to do 'better' this week.  that word, 'better', has a judgment quality to me.  good, bad, better, worse - all judgments.

would it help you with your self-acceptance if you changed those types of words to one word - 'different/ly'.  this week i'm going to do things differently, i'm going to make a different plan, i'm going to look at my eating in a different way.  does that make sense to you?  do you think it would be helpful?   just a thought when i read the word 'better'.  those kinds of words have now become red flags for me.

wishing you the best with your food/eating project this week.  sending a warm, loving hug filled with self-acceptance and no judgment.

Hey San,
I ended up telling my T about the SA center group offer. And by saying that I inadvertendly also told her that I go there sometimes. She thought it was unwise to start up right now as I am doing DBT group still. And it might be too much for me. I chose to listened to her. And even now a few days in hindsight that I let the SA center know, it was long term, the best choice. I wouldn't be able to do studies next semester, therapy and two therapy groups. So thank you for telling I should speak with her, I might not have had the courage too if you hadn't reminded me that honesty with your psych is the best course of action.

I am happy that I could help you get in touch with your feelings in regards to your body as well. Answering your question to begin with helped me further understand what it is exactly I was feeling disgust with – and not only just the emotion of disgust.

Hi Rocket (do you mind if I call you Rocket? It sounds powerful :) ),
Thank you for coming by and reading my journal. Hug
You're not hurting me by saying that being brainy wont make me happy. I know this, it just felt like the last option I had that I could grow to be proud of. I have such a disconnect and hatred for my body that I doubt I'll ever be proud of it. But I hope one day I can come to accept it. And my mental health is a mess, I wouldn't even know how to begin describing it. I know I'm not stupid, and I'm not particularly slow either, but it was sort of my last hope :) If that makes any sense.

You haven't done anything wrong. Just by listening and sharing your own thoughts and experiences that helps me sort my own thoughts.

Hi Blueberry!
Thank you for the support, I highly value it. :)
I am glad you're feeling less disgust with your own body, and it gives me hope that it is possible for me as well, one day. I am not sure if my FOO felt ashamed of my body as a child, but I do know they tried to diet me, and make me consume things that were supposed to increase metabolism. Such as vinegar ( I can't stand vinegar). I know my M went behind my back and talked to an accupuncturist to make her give me needles that were supposed to make me loose weight. The accupuncturist did it too, but said she gave me the needles for something else entirely. She told me years later. That felt like a betrayal of trust, and that I wasn't good enough for them.  I had forgotten about that.

Thank you for reminding me about the post from 1st of november. It's only 8 days ago, but it feels like it's been a month. And your reminder made me pick up a very beautiful note book that I've had lying around for a year. I've started writing down my every-day accomplishments in it. Things I did that was a challenge, but ultimatedly good for me. And things that I did to make the day better. Keep the good memories in one place – so they are easier to obtain when in need of a reminder.

I had a psychologist about 5 years ago I think it must be now. He said that I could afford to be a bit more self-centered. But it just feels so unnatural. And I honestly do not like talking about me, yet I have found the last year that I got so much I need to say. So much I need to get out. And it makes me feel like I don't have room for listening. But I want to listen.

I am glad I could remind you, so you could be more aware of your choices! I had an urge today to go buy some pre-made calzone-looking thing. But I stuck to my schedule so far today. I'm pretty happy about that.

Hi San,
It was gruelling, but maybe it's for the better. Rather than ignoring the problem. Who said therapy is easy or comfortable?
I am fond of words too! You have a great point in that «better» and «good» is very judgemental words. I had never thought of it like that! I will try to start using different instead. In this case at least it was much more friendly. I have recently changed out «difficult» with «challenging». «Difficult» makes something appear almost impossible, and too hard to do, but «challenging» gives room for hope and growth. Though of course, sometimes things just are plain difficult, just not everything.


Sending you all warm, loving hugs!  :grouphug: :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on November 08, 2017, 02:25:18 PM
.. but I do know they tried to diet me, and make me consume things that were supposed to increase metabolism. Such as vinegar ( I can't stand vinegar).

Yuck! Make a kid consume vinegar? Too much and it goes for your stomach lining too.

Quote from: Sceal on November 08, 2017, 02:25:18 PM
I know my M went behind my back and talked to an accupuncturist to make her give me needles that were supposed to make me loose weight. The accupuncturist did it too, but said she gave me the needles for something else entirely. She told me years later. That felt like a betrayal of trust, and that I wasn't good enough for them. 

That would feel like betrayal to me too.  :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on November 08, 2017, 02:25:18 PM
Thank you for reminding me about the post from 1st of november. It's only 8 days ago, but it feels like it's been a month.

It often feels like that for me too, like I've been in a really bad way for aaaages and then I read in here and see a post 4-5 days ago and realise: Hey, I was doing well that day and look at all the progress I'm making! It's something to do with C-PTSD that our feeling for time in this respect is a bit wonky.

Quote from: Sceal on November 08, 2017, 02:25:18 PM
And your reminder made me pick up a very beautiful note book that I've had lying around for a year. I've started writing down my every-day accomplishments in it. Things I did that was a challenge, but ultimatedly good for me. And things that I did to make the day better. Keep the good memories in one place – so they are easier to obtain when in need of a reminder.

:cheer: :cheer:

hey, sceal, i'm so glad you've worked out some things for yourself that are happy and healthier, make it easier for you to continue moving forward in a pos. way.  yay!  i like that change from difficult to challenging, too.  some challenges are just a bit more 'difficult' than others, true, but that doesn't make them impossible, either. 

you are sounding stronger, my dear.  i love it.  sending a hug filled with continued movement and love.

Yes, you can call me Rocket. That sounds cool! I wish I could get called that more often. Bwahahaha.

I appreciate you thanked me there. I tend to need some warmth like that if I'm going to approach people here even with my shyness.

It's great that you're able to find solutions to change your thoughts like that. I tend to have similar problems to you — tending to push myself too hard for my studies and it really is an inspiration to hear someone make an effort to change themselves with the problem. While the eating part I can't relate to, I admire your willingness to have self care for yourself.

Take care, Sceal.

Hi Sceal,
:hug: and hope that you are enjoying your new hair colour - ginger sounds like a wonderful colour. 
Hope  :)

Blueberry:
Yeah, vinegar is not recommended... *shivers*
I feel both relieved and sad (for us) that I'm not alone in having problems with time. That it often appears as if time moves at a different speed than it actually does.  The whole, being confused/surprised that not more time passed than just a few days. Perhaps it's part of dissociating? The time-disolacted feeling..

San:
I don't have a habit of re-reading old posts I've made in my journal -because it's triggering for me. But a general overview makes it seems as if i am fluctuating alot more between having a decent day to being pulled deep back down for several days and then I fight my way back up again. and so it circles. I suppose the first step is to be aware of it. Next I guess... should/could be to try and figure out what makes me get my head above water from one day to the next when they are so seemingly the same.

Rocket:
Great, I'll keep calling you that. :)
It might take me a few days to reply to posts. I read them every day, but more and more lately it's taking alot of energy to respond eventhough I want to. So if it takes a while before I get back to you, It's just because I'm worn out.
As far as I've understood, I'm a few years older than you :) So I've had a few more years of pushing myself too hard. I hope that you will find steps sooner than I did that helps you to stop before it's too much. I'm not great at it. But I've started. :)

Hope:
I am, thank you. I am looking forward to fixing it up and making it even lighter next time. Even if this is the kind of thing I never let my self afford (the hairdresser part I mean).

:grouphug: to all of you!

I keep telling myself I need to stop writing so many posts here. That I need to slow down. That I shouldn't impose so much on the forum here.
Yet I keep coming back. Several times a day. Reading, and sometimes commenting. I wasn't going to log in today. But I have to.

Trigger warning: Sexual abuse and hallucinating.

The memories are triggering one another. Memories I hadn't thought about in a very long time. When I was 18, or maybe 19, I don't know. It's all a blur. I lived with my ex-boyfriend. Or ex-fiance, I should say. I hated the house we lived in, it gave me the creeps. And I would often feel hunted. That "the bad people" were looking for me. They had blood hounds, and were circling around the house. It left me in terror. I could never really understand where it came from, I had no explanation for why I would keep seeing them outside the windows. Why I would refuse to leave the house. I hadn't committed any crime. Today I wonder if it was a psychotic break that was trying to warn me that I was living in an unhealthy relationship. My ex-fiance never hit me, he never threatened to either. He didn't lock me up. But he groomed me, he taught me that sex wasn't enjoyable for women, he taught me sex was something that was expected of me to give to the man. Because I was expected to please the man, regardless of pain and discomfort. Regardless of my mood or wilingness. He would tell me that if I didn't do my duty, he would leave me. And everyone would know. Sometimes he would hold me tight, so tight I couldn't get free. There were other requirements too. I didn't know, I honestly didn't know. I didn't realize that it was assault, that it was rape. I didn't know I could say no. He taught me that there was no such thing. 

One of the times I got admitted to psych ward I was hallucinating more or less all the time. I couldn't tell the difference anymore, of what was real and what wasn't. There were bugs everywhere. This was in the middle of the winter. The bloodhounds were back. The walls grew rabbits on them that became alive and jumped out of the walls and started eating on me alive. I was awake, I was paralyzed. I still can't stand rabbits.

It feels like another lifetime. Like something that happened to someone else, yet I know. I know it was me. This was real, it wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't a daydream. It wasn't a movie, book or story. It was my life. And I was all alone about it all. I have no one to talk about this with, and if I had.. I don't think I would. But right now, this very moment.. I think it would have been nice to not be so alone.

There's a recent memory. I'd denied access to it for a long time. I think I wrote about it in the second letter to J. I haven't told my T about it. I don't know how.
I don't know how to open that conversation. I don't know what to expect will happen if I do. I am often tongue-tied when I'm at her office. She matters too me, and I don't want her to think less of me. I wish it wasn't so, but it is so. The memory is of last September. Mid-september. I had to go to a party with people from the organization I was part of. And J was there, so was his wife, his child and step children. I was terrified, I didn't know how to act normal. My car broke down so I couldn't drive away either. My only other option was to get drunk. I got wasted. But I still remember enough. I remember he would do stuff to me that was not appropriate. He made sure I kept drinking. I didn't bring enough alcohol that I could get that wasted over 3 days.  On the last day I asked what had happened the night before. I didn't remember much, and I had a big bump on the back of my head. They told me I was so drunk I could barely stand, and that J had been so kind as to take me for a walk to get me detoxed. "So kind". He grinned at me. And would whisper things in my ear throughout the day when we were cleaning up the place. I keep having to re-watch the tea-consent video on youtube to remind me that I didn't give concent. That I was too drunk to give concent. But even so, I feel sick. I feel dirty. And I don't think anyone should ever want to have anything to do with me.
I don't deserve people's kindness. I'm filthy. I'm used.

Trigger warning end.

When I started this post I was distraught. Writing it was hard as *. I might delete it later. We'll see.
But right now, I am back to being numb. Just numb.

unfortunately, sceal, i couldn't read any of what you wrote in yellow.  but i give you credit for your strength and courage in writing it down.

i don't find that you 'impose' yourself.  this is such a great place to get out what doesn't belong inside us anymore.  plus, you're a very intelligent and supportive voice here. 

keep taking care of you.  writing is  one thing that has always helped me clarify and discover realizations.  may i encourage you to keep posting.  sending a hug full of warmth and love.

I put it in yellow, so it would be less triggering for others if they were reading. You can highlight the text and it's readable.  I can always put it back to black.


Thank you, for your support. it makes me feel less alone right now.

That must have been so difficult for you, Sceal.  :hug:

TW**
I had a similar case when I was a child. Always imagining there were beings who were out to kill me and they were all secretly watching me. All because I thought I've been a bad child.
TW** end.

I hope you can give yourself a break and some rest. You deserve it — with all the hard work you've been doing. Take care, Sceal.

Deserve?  I dont know about that. But thank you.

....

I feel so lost and alone. I keep fighting to not remember. I wish my T was here now, but shes not. I am finding myself unable to talk about the memories. I dont know how to start that conversation. So I stay quiet.

I am so worn I cant use any of my skills to distract. I cant even cry. I dont think i can cry for me. I dont have enough self love for that.

I hope there is point to this fight in the end.

 :hug:

Less than a week til my birthday.
For as long as I can remember I've dreaded my birthday, there's no particular reason for it. I mean, there was no trauma relating to my birthday. But maybe I just never felt I deserved being celebrated, and it always felt forced rather than something people wanted to celebrate with me.

I've been dreading my birthday for a month. Maybe more. Last year was a disaster. I turned big 30. To me it was a big number, a round day. And my parents decided that was the perfect day for them to fly abroad. My Mother and I had plans for years to celebrate our round days by going on a vacation together, earlier last year she cancelled, because she was tired. But she had enough energy to run away on my birthday. I didn't feel very loved. She gave me loads of money, I felt she was paying me off. I couldn't really afford saying no thanks.  When my parents came back from their holiday they wanted a birthday dinner for me. I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about it, and they got insulted. We ended up having one, but my mother didn't even show up. I was also in fullblown paranoia. I didn't sleep. I was so scared of everyone and everything. And I ended up being admitted to the psych. ward. My family didn't know, they still don't.
Perhaps it would have been different if they had known. But I also doubt it.

I just want my birthday to be over, so my dissapointment can fade away, and I can focus on something else. I hope it will be an alright day though. I invited a friend for "everyday celebration" as we call it when we go and have a drink in the middle of the week. I didn't tell her it was my birthday. But she figured it out and is now planning on making a cake for me. She's a very entertaining and funny friend. But she also has no idea what I've been through, it's nice to pretend to be normal for a few hours eventhough it always drains me for several days afterwards. But I'm trying to make the day a positive one. I'm trying to look forward to it.

 :hug: to you Sceal - it's good that you have a friend who is funny and kind and that she's going to make you a cake for your Birthday - and I really hope that you'll enjoy the day - and that it will be different from the one you had last year.
Hope  :)

sceal, maybe you aren't able yet - i emphasize the word 'yet' - to know that you deserve rest, care, concern, kindness, nurturing, and love, but we'll give it to you anyway cuz we know you deserve it all.  it takes practice and work, but it'll get there.  it's just old messages that don't belong to you telling you you don't deserve to be treated well.

dang, what a crummy thing for your mom to do.  no wonder you felt like crapola.   i don't know when your birthday is exactly, but i'm sending heartfelt birthday wishes to you ahead of time.  and some celebratory fun to boot.

:cake:

:party:

:fireworks:

:yourock:

you deserve it all.  i'm a big birthday girl, myself, and believe they are very important.  for one thing, it marks another year that you have survived all the crapola thrown at you all your life.   to my mind, that deserves to be celebrated.  as do you for your courage and determination to make it thru another year.

so, i hope you have a lovely, fun time with your friend.  i'll be cheering for you for making it to the big 3-1.  you go!!!  big happy birthday hug in advance.

Thank you Hope and San, for the lovely birthday wishes.
My friend is great, but she requires high energy. I'll hope the cake she'll make will give me sufficient sugar rush :D Haha! My birthday is next Monday.

I was reading in my healing from trauma book today, that it's quite normal to resist self-care and self-compassion, but there are ways to gently step towards it. I think part of is that I feel I haven't done anything that makes me deserve compassion. I know the number one question is "Do you think your friends and loved ones has to do something in order to deserve love?" My answer is always "no" because I know it's the right answer. But I also believe that they have already done whatever it is one has to do in order to deserve the love. And I haven't yet, because I don't know what it is.  So I do have deep problems with the word "deserve". It's complicated, and I feel alot of shame around it because I can't properly explain why I don't think I deserve anything.
Though it's a little less strict than what it used to be - I suppose that's a score one for progress :)

You're right though, San, I did survive another year. I will try and think of it like that and not like I've wasted yet another year. I'll work on it. :)

 :heythere: Hi, Sceal. It's your birthday soon? Happy almost birthday then!  :hug:

I'm not as good as thinking of what to say as you and the other people on this forum, but I hope you know that I'm listening at least. Listening to you with warm feelings. I don't always get what's going on with you and other people here, but I'll try.

Does the problem with the word deserve mean I shouldn't say it or I should say it to you more? I can't tell.

It's great you're able to read on your problems then. That's at least a little bit of progress, right?

Good luck, Sceal!

with all due respect, sceal, i do believe you've already done everything needed to deserve respect, care, compassion, and love.  it's not so much doing, actually, as being.  as in being a human being.  you have a good heart, you care about others, you give of yourself, you allow people to make mistakes, and you own your own.  i could go on, but this list is already more than enough to merit deserving 'good' in your life.

it might take a while to see in yourself what i and others see in you.  however, you also have grit and determination, so i know you'll eventually get there.  you are precious, you are enough as you are, you don't have to prove anything, you are valid and valuable.   oooops, i just added to the list when i said i wasn't going to. 

sorry, but these things about you are just so evident to me, they come pouring out.  so sue me.  i can see it all in you so very clearly.   you are a sweetheart, and i'm so proud and lucky to have you in my life.  i can't tell you how much your candles meant to me.  yeah, there's another one.

big hug, sceal, filled with all the wonderful things you deserve.

Sceal,

I agree with Sanmagic7, you are so deserving of compassion and care, including your own. You are tough and kind. I know you will see it for yourself. You don't need anyone to give you permission.

Also, happy birthday!!

:)

Hey Rocket,

Quote from: DecimalRocket on November 15, 2017, 08:36:54 AM
Does the problem with the word deserve mean I shouldn't say it or I should say it to you more? I can't tell.

It's more me not understanding the concept of "deserve". I don't mind people saying it, I just don't really understand. i grew up being told that I need to do stuff in order to deserve xy or z. Be it a good grade, food, pocket money, friends, trust, gifts, be allowed to hang out with friends. It's not that it was abusive, I think, just more different teachings - which has left me confused.

As for listening, I often listen too. I don't always have the words or know what to say to others. I'm always afraid I'll give advice when what they need is just support. It's hard. But I think I've learned from different people on this forum to give less advice over time. Sometimes being heard is the most powerful gift you can give someone.

Dear, dear San!
You touch me. I don't really have words. Thank you.
I try, I do try to do all the things that you say I'm already doing. And I hope I one day see myself the way you see me. It seems pretty nice :)

Hi Hopeful10,
Thank you so much. :) I hope you and San are both right.


I am really touched by you all. I really am.
---

I had a flashback during group yesterday and I fled the room. It's been a while since last time I felt I had to leave. One of the group leaders followed after me, and talked me back into this time and age. I'm very grateful to her. But it reminded me that I do have less long-lasting and powerful flashbacks at the moment. The memories are there, and they poke and prod me everyday. But there's a difference between a disturbing recollection of memories and a full blown visual and sensual flashback.

I went for a walk after group, it was nice just being out in the cold air. Walking around this pond twice before I drove home and had lunch. It calmed me sufficiently down, or rather I wasn't feeling as raw and vulnerable afterwards. I wish there were flat areas where I live so I could more easily go for walks. I live in the middle of a hill. It's either upwards in 10 minutes to the busstop. Or it's really really steep downhill for 10 min to another busstop. Eitherway, I'll have to go up and downhill. My asthma is highly triggered these days, and an asthma attack is so close to a panic attack - and I'm incredible relcutant to induce either.

Today though, I had a long warm shower. I even used some silky smooth skin moisturizer (I close to never use any), as a treat. Preparing myself for tonight. I have to be social and then I'm going to meet up at the SA center again. I know I need it. I've needed it all week. But I also know it takes a huge toll. But like someone said once - being inactive and resting doesn't give you more energy. The more you rest and the more inactive you are the more tired you become. I guess it's the same with mental health. The more I ignore it and push it down, the worse it'll get over time. And I've decided it's time to meet the mental-monster.  But that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it.

A positive thing though:
I've drawn up a few sketches for potential illustrations/fine art for the gallery show next year. It felt good to get started. The clay I ordered have also arrived. Now I just need a clay-table and I can get back into sculpting!

well, my dear sceal, i do believe that putting an expectation of 'doing something' in order to deserve something good is a type of abuse.  i've learned along the line (altho, believe me, i struggle with this as well) that deserving something good does not need to be earned by doing something good.

all those attributes of yours i mentioned about, rarely were they about an action that you took (yeah, you help others here and you lit candles for me, those are actions), but more about you simply being a good-hearted human being.  which is what you are.  that emanates from you in your perspective, your beliefs, your self.

when we're taught that we have to do things that are pleasing to others in order to 'deserve' to be treated decently, with respect, kindness, caring, nurturing, love, acceptance, etc. , i belive that's just wrong.  that's conditions to being loved, honored for who you are, for your individual self.  i think that's abusive.

rather, we deserve positives in life simply because we exist.  as babies, there was nothing we could do to 'earn' all those good things - but little by little, too many of us were taught differently.  if we stopped crying, we were told we were 'good'.  if we didn't like a certain food, didn't want to eat it, or didn't want to eat more than we were hungry for, we were 'bad'.

these messages are distorted, and distort our minds and our ways of thinking about ourselves.  i was from a family of 'finish what's on your plate - there are starving children in china', and i struggle with eating too much to this day.  i deserved to have my appetite and food preferences respected from day 1, but i didn't get that, so i still battle against it.

did you ever look up the word 'deserve' and find out what it actually means?  maybe that will help you understand it.   you are so precious and caring, sceal, you deserve only the very best.

glad your ef was much shorter this time, and you were able to come back to the present more quickly.  sounds like progress to me.  and very cool that your creative side is making itself known.  you go!  big hug filled with warmth and love.

I didn't hear about the starving kids in china, but I did hear about the starving kids in africa.
And we did do a lot of charity stuff as collecting clothes, blanket and our old (but not unbroken) toys and sent it off to families in old Jugoslavia, when the war waged on there in the early 90ies. 

Me and some of my neighbours and classmates created this home-made "cirkus" of performances for family and neighbours where we sold popcorn, dilluted juice and coffee. We spent about a month or two rehearsing and practicing and figuring out our acts and costumes and such. We held it in a big room (for a house). And afterwards I remember, I was only about 6 or 7 years old, we were surprised we had actually gotten quite a bit of money. (I think we were more surprised that we had money than the amount to be honest. Despite charging people for stuff... We weren't the cleverest children). We had no idea what to do with the money so we donated it all to the Bosnia-Herzegovinia war. We were constantly told they had so much less than us, it was natural for us to give it to them. I am still kind of proud of my younger self's selflessness and charity mode.

But I think maybe that was part of the message being distorted as you said. That I somehow had to keep up that level of performance and charity towards others at all times in order to be worthy, or deserve love. And as a child on my own, out in nowhere, I had no power at all to gather money or do charity work at all. And as I grew older I felt I still couldn't live up to it. And maybe now I feel like I never did enough, that I used my illness and trauma's as "excuses" for not doing enough for others. A part of me know that it's not true, and that I was and are in no condition to perform to such expectations.

I talked a little about this with the lady at the SA center yesterday. It was a very difficult conversation, because telling people that there are different rules for me and for others are never a good sign. I know, theoretically, that it's not true. Theoretically I know that I, technically, should have the same rights as everyone else. But in my mind, in my world it's different. I'm less worth, I have to work harder, much harder in order to keep up with the levels and expectations that everyone else does so easily. I know it's warped. And I do have a really hard time explaining it properly, and even to talk about it. Because it's one of those things that you shouldn't say to a therapist if you want to avoid being categorized as crazy. 
It's like it's the "Right Answer" and then it's the "My Truth". And those doesn't always correlate. It's better than what it used to be, by all means. I've challenged this line of thought for a few years now. but it's still there, and sometimes it is so very strong.


I had a nice session with my T today. I brought back her ball that I got to borrow, and when I got to numb we started throwing it and my awareness came back quite quickly. We started talking about the food-list that she's having me do. We didn't go into details on it this time, she was looking through them. And told me she thought I had done a really good job. Especially as I had done 9/10 days, and it's a very challenging thing to do 4 times a day. I started fidgting and having other body-language reactions as I smiled and said "thank you". So the remaining session talked about that. Exploring and experimenting with my ability to percieve and accept compliments. I told her they don't feel like they belong to me. Even if they are said directly to me, they don't belong to me. It's not about me. It's someone else's.
She started asking what I felt, physically. By using mindfulness techniques. It took a few tries, but as she repeated "You did a good job", and I tried to tell myself it too I felt like there was a barrier inside of me. Protecting a feeling of insecurity, a scared child. And everytime she kept saying the positive affirming words the barrier would grow stronger. Until I was numb.
It was an interessting experiment and discovery - working this way. I learned a long time ago that smiling and saying thank you's are the polite and appropriate response to compliments. They are nice to hear, sweet and lovely. And maybe if I hear it enough I will one day believe them.

I've sometimes felt like I was a child, like looking around at the world and listening to the conversations the adults have and feeling like a clueless child in an adult body. It's a strange sensation. But it's ME though, not another age or version of me. Just me. This time it was a child inside though, in a dark room. But it was so clear. I've never had that before. I'm not even sure if I know this child.

I came to wonder, maybe this partly why I'm not able to move on. Because I got invisible barriers inside of me that I don't know about.

It became a long post today, but there's just so much going through my head.

sceal, i'm convinced that this c-ptsd beast can be conquered with love.  what you said about if you keep hearing enough compliments, maybe they'll eventually be able to get thru.  i believe that.

i believe it because i've been bombarded over and over on this forum with care, kindness, and love, and i have no other explanation for my ability to make it thru some of these days because of the constant bombardment.  these people have kept it coming, even tho i couldn't feel it, even tho my defenses were up, and i'll swear that it's opened my heart just that much more that it can be warmed now, touched by the support of people here.

so, i'll keep pushing the compliments toward you, not just as an act of pity or duty, but because i believe them of you.  you are a wondrous human being, kind, considerate, big-hearted, caring, concerned and loving just because you are.  you deserve to hear this over and over only because it's true.  it's you, it's who you are.

not what you do, naw, that's not the reason you deserve to be loved and admired.  it's only because of the person you are, a beautiful, wondrous being with a sensitive soul.    i hope your t keeps pushing this for you.  you deserve it.  warm, loving hug to you, sceal, you lovely thing.

Thank you, San.  :hug:

Hi again Sceal,
Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday - I feel sure it's any day now - so I hope you have a nice Birthday.   :hug: to you. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope66 on November 19, 2017, 06:47:16 PM
Hi again Sceal,
Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday - I feel sure it's any day now - so I hope you have a nice Birthday.   :hug: to you. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, it's tomorrow actually. :)

I had my obiligatory family birthday dinner. I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting. My father is off at work, so it was my sister, her boyfriend, my mother and my aunt and a home-made meal. It was a little strained. No one had anything to talk about.
The food was good, and I got presents. It was nice I suppose, but I'll have to admit I felt indifferent. And I do feel guilty about feeling indifferent.

Earlier today though I went for a stroll on one of the city-mountains. It was nice with some fresh air and nice company from my support-person.

Tomorrow is the "big" day. It'll be dinner, a drink and the movies. We're going to watch Murder on the Orient Express.  I am pondering if I should try go to the gym first, or go swimming. Maybe I'll feel less guilty for the chocolate I ate today and the potential cake tomorrow.

I haven't hear anything back from my friend I texted. I guess I'm no longer her friend. I don't know if I should contact her again in a few days. I'm not sure what to write in that text though. The first one was hard enough as it was.

Yesterday was a long, long day. I was worn out. I know why, it was a few days in a row where there was a lot of therapeutic but confrontional conversations. It tends to blow the wind out of me and makes me alot more vulnerable. I agreed with the SA-centre woman that I would write her a letter that we could go through at the next meeting. I started writing it yesterday, and unfortunatedly I ended up SI. I've not done that since June. I know I should think it's a big setback. But I feel indifferent about that too. And I want to continue, but I'm fighting my impluses. The goal is to keep fighting it until my next session with my T next Thursday.  I wasn't able to finish the letter to the SA-center lady. I will have to try and finish the letter today. I want to deliver it tomorrow or on Tuesday. The sooner the better.

Health-wise: I don't know how I am doing. I don't know if I've plateued. If I am progressing, if I'm slowly going downwards. If this is as functional as I get. I can't tell. I can't be objective about it, and they keep telling me I am the expert of me. So, apparently only I can tell.

I am really scared about the surgery. It's elective, and not a life threatening one. But if I don't get complications it has a very high chance of improving so many things. Asthma, depressions, cholesterol, bloodpressure, preventing diabetes as well as social-psychological effects. But the complications are quite scary. A lifetime of throwing up, nausea and heartburn? Increased risk of gallstones, and potential danger of having to remove the gallbladder if it gets too bad. And these are just the things I'm aware of. I felt there was very little informaiton, maybe it will come later. I guess, since it's an elective surgery, you're more prone to only hear about the bad outcomes. And people keep telling me about them. I wish they wouldn't. I know I need to know the risk, but this is just terrifying me.
I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, I'll ask her about it. Last time I saw her she said she thinks this is my last, and only option I got left.

I'm home alone now.
vulnerable, scared and sad.

Hey Sceal, I have nothing much to say.

Just know that I'm here and I understand how afraid you are with this surgery. I've been terrified in my life with many things too.

Here's a hug, Sceal. 

:bighug:

Thank you Rocket :)
:hug: back to you

Happy Birthday, Sceal. :)
I hope you'll enjoy your time out, with your "big" day and all.

Thank you, Aphotic!

Ive put on a sparkly dress and covered it up with a black jumper. I even put on make-up. Which I never do!
Ive spent my morning sewing my jacket to a better fit and now I am watching Stranger Things.

Its been an enjoyable morning. Ive done my best not to think about bad * or process things.

Hopefully rest of the day will go peaceful.

I haven't been this stuffed since I last over-ate as a punishment. But today it was out of celebration.

The company was great. It was me and a friend who shares the same love for crime, mystery and dark sense of humour. We also love going for hikes, although she is a lot more experienced than I am. I've known her for what seems like my entire life.

We ate a thai soup that is soooo goood, but soooooo filling. Neither could finish our bowl. Two pink, and mouth watering strawberry daquiris and some Poirot at the cinema. No cake! I had worried about the cake. I should have worried about the thai soup and money instead. But I should just allow myself this treat.
It's been a long, long year.

Tomorrow it's back to everyday life. It's worries, concerns, it's symptoms and all that brings with it.

sounds like a wonderful celebration, sceal.  happy, happy day.   :party: :yourock: :phoot:

It was, San.
It was much better than I could hope for. Maybe it's a step closer to not hating or dreading my birthday. I hope so.

Glad you had a good friend to celebrate with, Sceal.

Sometimes there's something nice about the simple pleasures of good food to me. It has a coziness to it — just tasting something wonderful. Haha.

Well, happy birthday, Sceal.

:yourock:

Thanks Rocket.  😊
I have been in a food slump recently where everything just tastes dry and boring. But last night it was good. Maybe the company? And the fact i wasnt the chef? Hehe

Today's group session was about Radical Acceptance.
To accept that things has happened, and once accepting it it's supposed to help move forward or make changes to whatever situation in life that requires radical acceptance.

I'll admit that I struggle deeply with this. To accept what I went through, to me feels as if I tolerated it. To make it less damaging than what it has and is still doing to me.  I argued in group about this. I don't want to accept it. And I honestly don't understand how some things are supposed to be acceptable.
I don't like it. It makes me frustrated. I got my thorns all out. I'm no longer receptive.
There has to be another way.

sceal, i think sometimes the terms 'acceptance' and 'resigned to' can get mixed up.  like, we think that if we accept something, it means that there's nothing to be done about it or that it somehow means it's ok and nothing to get worked up about. 

i just think that to accept something means that we are able to stop denying it, we can quit making up stories about it, or we can stop making excuses for it.  for me, to accept what has happened to me in my own life is to shine a light on reality and my truth.  when that happens, i am finally able to do what needs to be done for the situation.

i can't do that if i don't accept the reality of it.  i can't express my true emotions over what happened, i can't exorcise the pain that was caused me, and i can't grieve the losses i've experienced.  bottom line is that i can't cleanse the wound so that it can begin the healing process.

radical acceptance is a radical idea, one that we've so often been taught to deny, ignore, shove aside, excuse, or look away from.  it sounds like you've started a path that will take some time for you to profoundly understand to the depths of who you are and what has happened to you.   that's ok.  maybe you'll never accept, and that's ok, too.

this stuff is different for all of us.  i haven't latched onto every new idea that's been put in front of me.  sometimes i had to find my own way, one that fit better for me.  this may be the same for you, sceal.  your recovery, your pace, your space.  you can't do it wrong.  big hug filled with understanding and love.

As San said, I don't think 'accepting something' means you're downplaying what you've went through in any way. In fact, accepting it means you're even more aware of what's happened, and that you're ready to do whatever you can to heal. 'Accept' means a lot of things, and one of those meanings is to kind of take something, or as you said 'tolerate it', 'bear with it'. But of course, why would we ever want to willingly take and tolerate our abuse? Well the definition there is different, with trauma - accepting is more like "Understanding and believing what you went through".

When I first heard the idea of acceptance as a means to deal with my past, I also was a bit taken aback at how unseemly it sounded. Kind of airy-fairy, akin to that dumb phrase: 'just get over it'. But I was still curious, and have changed how I feel about the term.

Acceptance, for me, is like finishing a strenuous trip, or completing some other difficult journey. One looks back, as if to say 'I survived that?' But one doesn't go back, no one would want that experience again. Still I know I was there. I hate knowing that, and sadly can't change it either.

For me, acceptance isn't denying the journey so far. And it for sure isn't approving of where I was forced to travel.  I still hurt, but now I'm free to also accept that I can work to heal the scars, because now I can also accept that the past doesn't control me anymore. I have grief, I'm still angry, I abhor what happened, and so much more. My Inner Critic would love to have me dwell there, mull over everything that happened, but the ICr is even more unreal than accepting that I've made it to a potentially friendlier place in my life's journey.

So in that sense I've come around to considering acceptance in a more practical than radical sense. I see it as just another step to a level beyond the old story. It's about healing, not tolerating abuse. The past will always be there, as in...'back there', but it's up to me to accept I'm no longer back there with it.

Hey Sceal, it's Rocket.  :heythere:

Accepting is . . . How can I put it? It's being easier on yourself but not in a way where you become someone who gives up on life. It's where you flow, not force, your movement through life. You adapt rather than rummage through.

You continue when things aren't challenging for you to grow. You slow down when your body and emotions are begging for it. You take action when things can be changed. You wait when and take time to watch for any opportunities when you cannot.

People have talked about how acceptance is an acknowledgement of the past. But I'd like to emphasize how acceptance is for the future.

It's like growing a garden. You give plants sunlight, water and nutrients. You tend towards them slowly everyday. But shouting or hitting the plant at not growing would likely won't make it grow faster. All that's left is patience after doing what you can — and perhaps with time, these little seedlings will grow.

Accepting, for me: it really did happen; it really was that bad.
So I can stop questioning myself on whether that was the case, and instead spend time and energy on healing!

There's also: learning to accept myself the way I am. That's a toughie for me, I admit.

Thank you all for your input.
It's alot similar to what they tried to explain to me in the group, both the other patients and the group leaders. But as I told my T yesterday, I still just can't do it.
I don't really want to.

After I've started DBT, and going to my trauma T, I've become alot more angry. Or maybe I'm just alot more able to be intouch with that emotion. Even if I haven't actually talked about what happened to me. Perhaps it is healthy to slowly start feeling the anger and perhaps that will lead me towards further progress.

I've been reading alot on this forum, on other online articles, attending the therapy with an active awareness... And I've come to the conclusion that I feel like I don't fit in. In society, amongst my friends, or here on the forum. I have great skills at concealing my struggles when I'm around the people that I care about and love. I've been practicing for the past 23 years. They say it takes 10 000 hours to become an expert at something, I'm sure I'm far and well past the 10 000 hours of avoidance, concealing, pretending. Which has lead me to ignore huge chunks of who I really am. I struggle with more than c-PTSD, I got a PD (No not BPD or NPD) and depression. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There's no one really to talk about this. Yes, I got my T. But my T and I have so much ground to cover, and with such limited time. I can't bring it all up.
I need to find a way to accept that people wont accept me for this. It hurts. I'll admit that. I don't know how to find this way.
But I will take some time away to do so like I wrote in another post, I don't know if it'll be days or longer.

I want to thank everyone who's been commenting on my journal. Everyone who's been so supportive and friendly. Your words and love has meant the world to me these past weeks. I've learned alot from all of you on the forum. I really have! Thank you, thank you so much.

sceal, the love will follow you, be with you, no matter where you go or how much time you need, even if forever.  that's cuz we accept you just like you are.  love and hugs to you, my dear.

I agree with San. This is going to take time and we're still going to accept you with your weaknesses. It might feel like we're pressuing you to deal with this advice in a rushed and perfect way but please don't take it that way.

You can fail, make mistakes and be in pain as much as you want here. And we'd still stick around. Even if we have to repeat this over and over and over.

You've worked so hard. You've done a good job.

Just sending you love and hugs - I know you're away for a while from the forum, so take care.   :hug: 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Sceal on November 24, 2017, 09:22:03 PM
I want to thank everyone who's been commenting on my journal. Everyone who's been so supportive and friendly. Your words and love has meant the world to me these past weeks. I've learned alot from all of you on the forum. I really have! Thank you, thank you so much.

Dear Sceal,
Just in case you're still reading on here: you're really very welcome to have all you got on here which includes my words too. I'm so glad you feel you've learned lots on here. I'm sad you're going because I liked reading your posts, but of course you do what's best for you! Maybe we'll see you again here.

Quote from: Sceal on November 24, 2017, 09:22:03 PM
Perhaps it is healthy to slowly start feeling the anger and perhaps that will lead me towards further progress.

this sounds very healthy to me, especially going slowly so as not to be overwhelmed by it. IME it leads to progress. I so hope that for you too.

Quote from: Sceal on November 24, 2017, 09:22:03 PM
... And I've come to the conclusion that I feel like I don't fit in. In society, amongst my friends, or here on the forum. ....  I struggle with more than c-PTSD, I got a PD (No not BPD or NPD) and depression. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There's no one really to talk about this. Yes, I got my T. But my T and I have so much ground to cover, and with such limited time. I can't bring it all up.

I'm really sorry you feel this way, as if you don't belong. FWIW I never had the impression you don't belong on the forum. But I know you wrote you're good at covering it up.

Quote from: Sceal on November 24, 2017, 09:22:03 PM
I need to find a way to accept that people wont accept me for this. It hurts. I'll admit that. I don't know how to find this way.
But I will take some time away to do so like I wrote in another post, I don't know if it'll be days or longer.

:hug: :hug: for the pain you're in. Good luck finding a way, maybe even finding acceptance within yourself. Good travels anyway!  :wave:

*** TW *** SA and self-loathing

I don't think I am back.
But I need to sort my thoughts, and I tried writing in my journal. And I just ended up having imaginary conversation with people who aren't present which doesn't solve anything.

If this becomes somewhat coherent I'll translate it back to my native language and give to my T.

After starting the DBT, I've noticed something. I'm angry. I can feel the anger just underneath the surface. The loathing and disdain. And if I am honest, I don't even know what it is that I am so angry with.
I should say I am angry with my bullies, but I'm not. I deeply believe I deserved those years. I deserved the namecalling, I deserved the punches, being pushed, being bombarded with itchy powder beneath my clothes. I deserved being picked last during school activities. I deserved being ignored and pushed out of social activities.  Why? I don't have an intellectual answer to that. What was it that I did that made me deserve all of that? I don't have an answer for it. I didn't do anything. Maybe, that was the problem. That I didn't fit in. That I didn't do anything to fit in. But they weren't all that different from me either.
Why hate? It's such a negative emotion. It fuels so much, requires so much. It's exhausting and it leads to nowhere. So I don't hate.

And if I am honest, which is a frightful thing to be about this. And also confusing, because I'm in several minds about this. A part of me learned, was formed to believe, and moulded to believe I deserved nothing better than SA as well. That sex is not something I should enjoy. It's not for me. My body it's not mine, it's just for loan. It's for others to use. I just happen to be the silent witness stuck in it. I should be angry about this. And a part of me is. A part of me is angry that I was moulded into believing this. A part of me is angry at the men who took advantage. A part of me is angry that it happened. But most of all I am angry with myself. Both for letting it happen, over and over and over again. I'm angry for forgetting details. I'm angry for not reporting. I'm angry for not standig up for myself. But most importantly, I am so incredible angry for believing that I am someone worthy of any other fate than this.
I am angry that I have to accept this. I am angry that there are things that needs to be accepted.

And I'm angry for other things.
I am angry about the body I am stuck in. I am angry at my lazy behaviour. That I'm tired and worn. that I have little willpower. That I can't say all the words that I want to say. That I need to say.

But there's so much to be angry about, and it's so confusing. Because it's not clear lines, they merge and they mix. And they are hypocritical and they are oposites. So, I push it deep, deep down.
So deep down I can only feel the tip of it, and only occationally.

I felt it today. The pure self-loathing.
What brought it on? I was with my mother and my sister. Baking for the Christmas holiday. Knowing that neither of them wanted to be present. It was a chore, the atmosphere wasn't positive... it was strained. Without any clearcut reason for me to figure out. I tried, i worked hard to keep the mood up. Dancing to christmas music on the radio. Smiling and joking, and helping out with chores when others were stuck with theirs. My knees were aching for standing for so long on hard surfaces. And I had two or three cookies. Before my sister gave me a lift to the busstop my mom commented on how much weight my sister appear to have lost. And that's when I felt it. The self-loathing. I had three cookies. I had a newly baked christmas bread in my bag. I was so angry for not being able to resist temptations. So angry. So loatheful that I was having a hard time keeping my tears away there I sat in the darkness waiting for the bus.  I am not sure if I can describe it well enough. It was tangible. And I couldn't let go.

I am not good enough. I'm not successful. I'm a failure - telling me otherwise isn't helpful.

And as I sit here I wonder.
Where does the self-loathing come from? Was it once upon a time a self-preservation technique that eventually got out of hand? It's not too far fetched to think so. I believed I was worth less than slaves, less than the dirt people walk on.  It helped me understand why I was suddenly treated so poorly, and why no one spoke up for me.

So what do I do with it? Do I stay with it, or do I start working to give myself some self-compassion? How on earth am I supposed to do that when I truly do not believe I deserve compassion? Working towards something that I am so against...

I feel tongue-tied. I feel trapped. I feel like there's two of me and they are fundamentally disagreeing on their core believes.

I don't believe I will share this with my T.
What will I gain from that.

sceal, i hear you, and my heart is with you. 

all i know is that as babies, we don't hate ourselves, we don't hate what we do, what we think, or how we are.   i believe we are born innocent of hate, of self or others.  so, it must come from somewhere else, from people bigger, stronger, and louder than our own baby beliefs to turn us against ourselves like that.

i also believe that as your anger continues to boil up, it will find the correct direction to be headed.  hopefully, your t will help you with that.  we deserve to be angry for what happened to us.  sometimes we don't always know where to put it, so we turn it inwards. 

but, i can feel you fighting, sceal.  hang tough, honey - we're hangin' right beside you.  personally, i think this would be very good to show your t.  i think it would be insightful and helpful to them.  but, i support whatever you choose to do, always.  thanks for sharing this.  warm, loving hug to you.

Quote from: Sceal on December 05, 2017, 07:57:28 PM
I don't believe I will share this with my T.
What will I gain from that.

IME with a T i trust, the more my T knows about what's going on the better s/he can help me.

I hear you in your anger and in your conflicted feelings. I know them well too, unfortunately. Standing with you.  :hug: :hug:

Hey, Sceal. I have no special words, other than I'm listening and I'm beside you with this.  :hug:

I've decided I'll continue writing in my journal. But for now, I don't think I'll be reading or commenting on any other posts. Though I am thinking of you all.

Thank you all for your replies  :hug:
I changed my mind, and listened to you guys. I translated the letter and gave it to her.

She was very quiet when she read it.  But at one point she made a small sound. One I interperted as sadness.
I don't remember so much of what we talked about. The details, maybe it'll come back to me later. But I know we talked about anger.
And we talked about conflicting emotions. But we didn't touch upon the subject of bullying or SA. Although it was the closest thing I've ever actually said anything about it to her. Part of me worries we'll never get to talk about it. She said at the end that we need to talk about the emotions, and I need to be able to control them before we go any deeper.
This is going slow. Is it supposed to? To go this slow?


The new exam date was available today. I had hoped it'd be in may. That way I would have plenty of time. To read, to study. To take it slow. But it's at the end of February. My stress levles went through the roof, and I needed some support. So I called my parents and I lied. I said I failed. This was the plan all along. But they were so supportive. I said I was worried I'm simply not smart enough to be at university. And my Mother who near as never give me any credit for anything, told me she had no trouble believing that I am smart enough.  And then she continued saying that I've had so much on my plate, and I'm struggling and that she knows and that. Which took me aback. Because I've never said anything. I've kept my tongue as always. And I've tried my best to keep my stress levels under control around her.

However, due to the stress and I suspect their support, I did manage to read almost a whole chapter today. Albeit the first one, and it might be a little easier than the rest. But I did it. And I plan on reading more tomorrow too.

Thursday I leave for the abroad with a group of friends. I'm stressed. I only know a part of the group. And they are all working people in decent to good jobs. And money most likely wont be a problem for them. But for me it will. I do have a savings account, yet I hate spending money on things I don't need to. Like taxi, fancy restaurants and such. The hotel it self was more pricier than I'd pay for a week-end away. I don't want to spoil the week-end. But I don't want to be overly stressed about financials before and after the trip either. In January my medical bills reset and I have to pay a lot of money each week for about 6 weeks before I get my free medical card again.

Otherwise.. I am okay. I am still unable to do as much as I'd like. I have little to no purpose in my life, and I'm exhausted most of the time. But I'm not hypervigilant. Which I call a win.

It's good to see you back on here, Sceal!  :bighug:

Do what you need to do for you. Our own healing has priority, and that's what you're doing by writing in your Journal.

I hope you enjoy your time away. I can relate about the money worries. But I hope you can push them to the back of your mind or right out of it  ;D and enjoy the time and profit from it.

It's great to hear from you! And wow, that's great what your m said   ;D

sceal, very good to hear from you. 

you don't need to post anywhere you don't feel like it.  you won't be judged.  do what's best for you - that's all anyone could want.

glad your mom said some pos. things to you - it's easy to see you're intelligent in how you write, that you're bilingual and can translate from one language to another, and that you reflect on suggestions/opinions with an open mind.  not everyone does that.

i understand what your t is talking about with getting at those emotions and helping you with them so you can feel and express them appropriately.  yes, i do believe that these parts of the process need to go more slowly so that you don't become overwhelmed.  be patient with both the process and yourself.  you'll get there. 

thanks for sharing this with us.  sending a hug filled with warmth and love. 

Thank you, San. For your words and your affirmation.

I do feel a little guilty I'm not able to follow your threads and journals. I just need more strength. I easilly care too much, and invest too much emotionally towards others. Even towards people I don't personally know.  I guess I am practicing emotional boundaries for myself.

I am doing that towards this other girl in the group too. I ended up socializing with her after group last week along with another person. I am not going to get into the things what she said, but she was lying. A lot. And she did it in a way that makes me think she wants me to be impressed with her or respect her, and to get sympathy from the other person. I'll be honest, it makes me distrust her and dislike her even more. And I am going to try avoid any socialization with her as much as possible, without being rude.
I'm meeting her again tomorrow, it's group again then. I'm not sure if it'll be accidental socialization again, or not.  I would like to be able to feel I am safe in group, and that the things I say there wont be used against me again. But we'll see, maybe it'll hurt less if I don't care about the person using my stuff against me.

I did socialize with my parents and my sister today. Went to the christmas market. It was nice. And at the end my mother surprised me again with a hug. She never hugs me, or my sister. I recently asked my sister if she's ever seen our parents hug or show any affection for each other. Her answer was no - the same as me. I've always wondered about this. I wonder if growing up with the lack of show for intimacy might also be part of why I don't like physical contact. I mean, looking outside the obvious reasons of trauma.

I also managed to do some studies. And the night is still young, hopefully I'll dare to try and draw some.

sweetie, no need for guilt.  primarily, we're here for our own recovery.  i don't always post responses to others if i don't have the energy.  take your time.  if the day comes when you feel like responding, that's the day to do it.  otherwise, dang, we're all in the same boat. 

wow about your mom and the hug.  it's a good 'wow'. 

i remember when i was working with adol. girls, and we had an art therapy class (with an art teacher).  these girls all carried a lot of tension, and i suggested, while they were working on their class assignment, that i do a little shoulder/neck massage, just for a few minutes.

some were fine with it, enjoyed it, but some flatly refused.  they were adverse to touch.  most of them had not experienced pos. touch in their lives.   as the semester went on, seeing the other girls enjoying it, and those girls urging them to try it, several of them reluctantly allowed just a little bit of a neck rub.

it was difficult for them, but eventually they saw and felt the value of it.   i would guess it's a similar type of experience for you.  if you're not used to something, haven't had pos. experience with it, i would guess it's pretty normal to shy away from it.   

i think you're making some very positive steps here.  trusting yourself with that other girl in the group, keeping your own emotional boundaries, sorting through plans of action for the future - well done.  you're moving, sceal.  as long as you keep doing that, i truly believe things will fall into place.   sending a hug full of glad and smiles.

You're right, San. I'll work on the guilt, maybe it'll fade. I just like to be there for others. It's just who I've been all my life. And it's strange to take more heed to myself. And be selfish. I've been selfish at home with my roommate (and ex), and I feel terrible for that. Because he deserves to be treated better. Just sometimes he annoyes the living daylight out of me. There are several reasons why we broke up. Most of the time it's fine though. I drove him to the airport today, he's going home for the holidays. And I'm revelling in the silence. I wish he'd visit his family more often.

My biggest dream, and it has been for years. Is to own a place of my own. One I can decorate, paint, refurnish all to my own liking. It's not looking like that's going to happen for the next few years, and it's wearing me down.

I just got home from a long week-end trip to Berlin with 5 other girls. 2 of whom I grew up with. The remaining girls I've known about for years, but not really known. Met on a few occations. It went surprisingly well. I didn't have any anxiety attack despite Berlin being crowded like no tomorrow. I stressed a little about economy, but not as much as I normally do. I managed to keep up the facade for 24hrs for 4 days straight. There  was no alone time, except for when I used the toilet or took a shower.
I worry I complained too much, or that I was boring or downputting. I hope I wasn't.
At one point my tights ripped open, and I had to walk through half of Berlin with one of my legs showing. I'm not comfortable with that, and it felt like I was exposing my * as well. I was wearing a dress so I hope I wasn't exposing anything at any point.
Alcohol was consumed. Vast amounts of unhealthy foods were consumed. And hours upon hours, upon hours were spent on the feet walking around.

When I got back home I was so over stimulated and overwhelmed I snapped at my roommate and we had an argument. It was uncalled for, it really was. I should have just said calmly I needed down-time.

I hadn't heard anything back from my "friend" after sending her a text message, a google hangout message and a snapchat. I considered calling her today, but since I didn't know how to keep my voice from being toxic and angry I sent her a text being somewhat abrupt. She finally answered. She said she was sorry that she hadn't replied me, and that my tent was whole and safe at her home. I asked if she wanted me to pick it up, but then we're back at silent treatment.  But still, I'd say it was progess.

I had a meeting with the wellfare money person today. I didn't expect her to be speaking a different language to me. I understood her perfectly, but I thought she was my nationality as we've had written contact and she's been writing in my language. It required some re-wiring of focus. We talked about the future, and I'm a little overwhelmed. There's courses that I can take that will help me and them to figure out my actual work-capabilities. How high % I actually function in long-term, and what sort of work I could aim for and work towards with my studies and otherwise.  It sounds good, but is it as good as they claim? I've heard a lot of different things, and last time I did one of those were in 2007/2008, and it was alot of BS.

I went to visit my parents today. I delivered a gift to my dad to hide before Christmas Eve, and I hung out with my mom. And it went well until my dad came home and she started being agressive and giving me looks as if I had to agree with her that he was being annoying and condesending which he wasn't at all. It exhausted me. I told him as much as he drove me home.

So much has been going on on such a short amount of time.

 :hug:

i hope you can be patient with yourself thru all this, sceal.  sounds like you could use a break, some rest, some time and space for yourself.  you're doing so great, sweetie.  much love, strength, and support coming your way.

 :hug: Thank you.
I will try to be patient. :) I'm still learning how to be.

At group yesterday the group leader announced she's not coming back after Christmas.
We're getting a new one.
I didn't react so good to that. I felt uneasy, unsafe and sad. I tried to keep it in, but eventually I left for the toilet. I don't know how long I was there, but the other group-therapist came after me. And I just couldn't stop the tears. I didn't feel ashamed of my sadness. But confused. It's not like the group leader was my individual psychologist.
And if she had been a friend who were going to move across country, I wouldn't have cried.
But I did.

I had a hard time putting thoughts and emotions into words. And I talked to the group leader during break, but I couldn't tell her how much her support has meant to me. I'm still a little sad thinking about it. And I will be unsafe when group starts up again. But there's nothing I can do about it. So I just got to accept it.

Sometimes I get that disappointment over the loss of words too. I have a hard time showing gratitude sometimes as i do with many other emotions.

It doesn't matter if your group leader wasn't a psychologist. Feelings are subjective, and there's much more emotional complexity of who's valuable to you than their defined roles in society.

Take care, Sceal. I hope you be more patient to yourself. You're so hard on yourself. You really need to take a break.  :hug:

Thank you Rocket :)
It is really frustrating to not be able to talk to people. I can talk to them fine when they aren't actually present. When I have imaginary conversations with them. Words can flow then. But when they are present, I just... I try. And sometimes I manage a little, but not enough. In DBT now we're doing the thing I find the most difficult. Relations with others. The homework until after Chirstmas is to write down a manuscript or two for a message or conversation that we find difficult to have.
I can write it down, but I am not able to actually say it out loud. It frustrates me so much.

The group leader is a psychologist, but she's not my individual psychologist. I am sorry I wrote that in a confusing manner. I just tend to connect a little too much sometimes with others.

I didn't realise I came across as hard on myself. I've been thinking I've been lax and lazy, and that I need to pull myself together.
:blink: :stars:

dear sceal,

that conversation stuff comes with practice.  and, i think that's where the patience with yourself comes in - you're just beginning to practice putting feelings and emotions, thoughts and opinions into words.  but, little by little, you're doing it.  you're taking steps, and every step, no matter how small, counts.

i hope your new group leader will show themselves to be kind, caring, and gentle so that you can continue having a good group experience.  best to you with your assignment.  if you can even get a few words out, it will still be progress.  actually, i think that bringing it to the next group is progress - and whatever comes out of that will be the cherry on the cake.

i agree with d.r. that our feelings/connections with people are valuable in a personal way.   you have been able to move forward in your recovery with the present group leader , and that's very emotional progress.  it makes sense to me that you would have strong emotions with the news that she's leaving.

i believe you'll be ok.  your strength is growing.  big hug.

 :hug:

I am just crying right now.
I don't know how to do this. The days where I just have to get through the day, those days I can handle. Even if they suck, and are as painful as *. I can still handle it. But this, the insecurity, the lack of control of my own life. Having my life hanging on a thread at the desicions of others... That is a different kind of *. And it reminds me too much of the times when I haven't been allowed to control what happens to my body.

I don't think I can tell my T that.

 Fighting a headache but wanted you to know I hear you  :hug:

it will come to you when you need it to.  just make it thru today, one step at a time, sceal.  right there next to you - you're not alone.  maybe a visit to the healing porch may help.  i'll see you there - i can use some time for myself, too.  big hug.

Standing with you Sceal  :grouphug:    :bighug:

Thank you guys. Really, I mean it!
Especially as I'm in a place where I can offer very little in return other than my profound gratitude and warm thoughts your individual ways.

Quote from: Sceal on December 22, 2017, 08:35:47 PM
Thank you guys. Really, I mean it!
my profound gratitude and warm thoughts your individual ways.

That means a lot to me.  :hug:

glowing with those warm thoughts.  love it, love you.

I'm stepping right here with you too, Sceal.  :hug:

You're warming my heart you guys. Thanks, and a thousand thanks!

---
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, that's when we celebrate here. There might be some family gatherings in the following days. But for me, I doubt it for this year.
I like the premise of Christmas. The ideal of it. But it's felt fake and difficult for me for years. Winter time was always very diffictult for me, and most of my hospitalizations have been around this time. Although, I can't really explain why. Maybe some surpressed memories.

My therapist mentioned that she and I should spend time infront of the mirror. I didn't want to. I didn't see the purpose. The purpose was a way to diminish, or start easing down the shame. I've taken her words with me though. I really do need to find a way to ease the amount of shame I feel. So I've started standing infront of the mirror for 5 minutes. Just looking at me.
So far, I can't say I like it. But I'll do it until I next see her, which is on the 9th of January. Maybe by then I've learned something, or discovered something. Hopefully that'll be the result and not an increase in self-loathing.

I am going to try and take a hard look at myself. Try to be really honest with myself, and not downplay it, or make excuses. Just really dig for the emotions and see what comes out. I'm hoping I'll be able to do this. But I'm worried I wont come up with anything.

But that'll have to wait until Monday. Tomorrow is a day full of stuff. I have to finish the dessert and somehow get in a bit of an workout, and a short study session before i get picked up at around noon. Dinner wont be until much later, but I am sure I can find something to do. I'm spending the night so I'm going to bring a book and my sketch/notebook anyway. I hope my M wont be annoying and full of harsh and passive agressive comments and wanting me to take sides. That is my fear this celebration.

Anyway, I just really want to wish you all a very good and merry Christmas whichever way you're spending the holiday.
Do something nice for yourselves, it's been a long and hard year for the most of us. Treat yourself a little.
Warm hugs from me!  :hug:

Merry Christmas to you too Sceal! I hope you can take care of yourself well, if M starts passive-aggressive remarks. Maybe think about how to Medium Chill it, before you go! See: http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill for more information. You treat yourself too! You've had a long hard year as well.  :hug: :hug:

I'm also in a country where the main celebration is on christmas Eve, but FOO isn't here. I'll be going to a celebration for people who'd otherwise be alone.

sceal, i used to run a group where the first 'assignment' i gave them (it was about food/eating/body issues) was to stand in front of a mirror and just say 'i accept myself'.  it was a tough one, and most people were not able to do it.  don't pressure yourself with this - do it as you can, and be open.  i think it's a great exercise, but can be very difficult.  still, i don't doubt that you'll find something to talk to your t about, even if it's nothing came to you.  that's still a topic to explore.  so, you can't do it wrong.

i give you a lot of credit for giving it a shot.  progress, my dear.

i hope your holidays go well, too, and i like blueberry's idea of med. chill.  be neutral - you don't have to rise to the bait.  'i'll think about it/that' has taken me a long way with people like that.    warm, loving hug to you.

Thank you so much Blueberry, for the link and your thoughts. I had a quick read through it before I got picked up yesterday (Was it only yesterday....?)  I was picked up early by my dad. I figured I could walk the dogs, fix my dress, and such small things before Christmas dinner. Turned out my sister and her guy weren't coming due to the flu. So it was just me, my aunt and my parents.
I think it was before dinner was ready, and we were sitting in the sofa half watching TV and half chatting about. My mother started with her nitpicking and passive aggressiveness (which isn't so passive anymore if you ask me). And I kept thinking of you, Blueberry. and the link. I stared at the TV, although disinteressted in that and completely disengaged from the conversation. I kept telling myself "this is not my plate, this is not my plate, this is not my plate. Disengage!" It was really hard, because I was being provoked. My mood weren't great, I wasn't annoyed or frustrated I think. Just sour. I tried to hide it.

During dinner i stayed mostly quiet too. Waiting for her to have gotten a bit of drink in her. I know it sounds awful. But a glass of wine, or two and she becomes much happier. I want my M happy. I want everyone happy.

The rest of the evening went allright. It wasn't magical. It wasn't great. But it wasn't awful either. I've had alot worse christmases. We played some quiz-guessing games at the end of the evening. And somehow I ended up in bed at 03 in the morning. This never happens. Woke up around 07. but refused to get up. The bed was incredible comfortable and the duvey was heaven. So I snoozed til about 10.00. Dad and I went for a short walk with the dogs in the middle of nature, on a track I've never known about. It was beautiful!

I got home, and then it was dinner party with my aunt. Half the people invited didn't show up. She was a little dissapointed by that, I can totally understand. But it was nice and cosy. Better for me. Less people. After my dad left she and I had a bit more open and honest talk about the difficulties with work. Only slightly more open from my side than I have ever been around family before.
I now feel exhausted and raw. And scared. I hope she will keep our conversation between us, and not spill the beans to my parents.  Time will tell.  She said I need to be less touchy. Well not touchy, not to personalize everything so much. I think in a way she meant it in kindness. She doesn't have the whole story. She doesn't even have 10% of it. I think she didn't quite know what to say. Other than she wants to stay in better contact, and we have a date to spend together a full day in town come spring. That will be nice. One step closer to a better family relationship? We'll see.

San, darling. I hope that this excersise * the mirror will eventually make me feel less shame. But right now all I am feeling is revulsion, and when the emotion gets too strong I disconnect. Suddenly the mirror image isn't me. It's nothing to do with me. Emotionally I'm no longer present. Intelectually I am though. I know it's me. It's not impressive, it's the oposite.
I  wonder if getting more connected with me, and stop disconnecting myself, will make it so I'm better off?

Well, glad you didn't have that bad of a Christmas, seeing how worse your other experiences can be. It may just be a little progress with your family, but it's often the little things that last and add up over time.

Sometimes it's not loud parties or large gatherings that count as a break to people. Sometimes it's a nice quiet walk outside or a small group of people like your experience. I enjoyed spending most of my Christmas with a few people and the rest reading books in solitude too. It can be deeply healing.

Well, take care,  Sceal.  :hug:

I too prefer to read and spend time in smaller companies, Rocket. Rather than big noisy parties.
I only attend those once in a blue moon. If I feel safe. and I haven't felt safe enough for that for over 2 years now. 2 1/2 I think it might be.

I did good today.

And by that I mean.. I've done nothing. I slept in, I had some awful nightmares about blue demons and being chased and weird stuff. At one point I woke up got my phone and looked at pictures of kittens to calm myself back down and fall asleep with less horrors. It worked.  After I woke up I've done nothing, really. I put on the show Midwife (a british show about midwives in the 50ies) during breakfast and remained on the sofa for the rest of the day.
I had plans to both study and go for a walk. But I didn't do either. I did a laundry machine of bed linen. And then back to TV.
Enjoying the otherwise silence.

And you know what? So far today.. I haven't felt guilty about it. I don't feel bad that I haven't caught up on studies, or that I didn't go for a walk. I took a day of rest. I think I've needed it for a long time now.
I am a little restless now, but I think I'll go back and watch more episodes. Holiday is over tomorrow anyway.

hey, sceal.  it sounds to me like you are getting in touch with yourself, even if it's not in front of a mirror.  i can't tell you how glad i am for you that you actually took a day of rest and didn't feel guilty.  that sounds like major progress in knowing yourself, knowing what's best for you, and knowing that it's ok to do what you want.  terrific.

if i may make a suggestion about the mirror thing, since what you're feeling is revulsion at seeing yourself whole.  what might happen if you stood to the side of the mirror and put just a hand in front of it - or even just a finger to start.  would that be something that you could look at, if not with acceptance yet, but with neutrality?    just a thought.  small steps count.  sometimes the big steps are just too overwhelming, especially in the beginning.

i think you're really doing well, sceal, that you're dealing with the holiday stuff in pretty fine form.  well done, you.  warm, loving hug to you. 

Thank you San. I am in much better condition than I was a few weeks ago. Never the less to mention last year.

I don't have mirror aversion. I do look myself in the mirror in the morning and evening, but that's just the top bit. Face and shoulders and that, you know. And generally with clothes on. It's hard standing infront of the mirror in just my underwear. But I think I have such a huge ability and habit at avoidance, and I feel that my T hasn't been pushing me hard enough lately. I need to be pushed, I don't want to constantly be coddled with - although that's sometimes important too. But asking the hard questions, getting me to talk. I need that, because I'm completely unable to start it off on my own.

I don't feel connected though. If anything I feel more disconnected than I have been in the last year. I don't mean that in a nessecerily negative way. Because I'm fairly certain I've arrived at this point on my own, of my own doing. Because things got too difficult to deal with, or rather I didn't know how to. So I did what I do best, I avoid it. Avoidance is a huge part of my personality disorder. And avoidance is also a common symptom of PTSD as well. So double up!   ;)

But thank you so very much for the suggestion!

maybe you can give yourself a bit of a push, seeing as how you know that's what you need.  avoidance can be a two-edged sword, in my opinion.  it can protect us, but it can also keep us from moving ahead. 

your body, as with all of us, is only the means of holding our 'selves'.  how would you treat a child who, in your eyes, is not the most attractive?  we can treat our bodies the same way.  we can accept our bodies, just accept them, like we would any child, and know that they need love, too.

who knows what might happen with love?  that child may grow to be a kind, caring person, who then, in turn, becomes more attractive no matter what the outside looks like.  i think that being able to accept our bodies as is, then loving them so that we treat them like the growing, ever-changing being they are, could work miracles. 

it's like what happens with us in recovery.  the more love we allow, the more we are able to be who we are meant to be.  the opposite has been true when we haven't been shown love.  i know my body ain't what it used to be, but i used to hate it more when i was younger, when i picked out all the flaws and overlooked what a marvelous thing it really was.

now i'm older, my body's been ravaged by stress and illness, but i'm much more ok with it.  i can now look in the mirror and not feel revulsion.  i see it, i know what it looks like, and i accept that.  doesn't mean it might not change in the future, but for right now, it is what it is, and it's got good reason to be that way.  i don't want to hate it anymore for reacting to what it's been thru.

that's what i think when i hear docs tell me i'm overweight - i'd like to see what your body looks like at my age after having lived my life.  tell me something i don't know. 

i have quite a spirited dialogue in my head with these people.  it kind of makes me smile at times.

just some thoughts.  i've had body image issues for a long time.  and i'm really glad you're feeling better lately.  you've been doing some hard work - you deserve to feel better.   big hug, darling sceal.

Hey Sceal, hope you're doing alright these days. You seem to be doing better.

:hug:

I don't trust myself to push myself, San. I tend to push too much, or push in the wrong direction, or in too many directions at once. It's what I've done before.

I see your questioning and your logic, San. But those ways, of asking how I would view another doesn't work on me. I view all others above myself. And I cannot turn it around, at least not yet. Maybe one day. I hope so.
I wonder, is it possible to love something you've had such a strong aversion for as long as one can remember? I mean one doesn't start to love a cockroach just because you know that they are useful to the ecosystem. They are still disgusting and creepy and brings forth association with lack of hygene and disease.
I forgot to stand infront of the mirror the last two days, but I did today. Always hoping to see a change, knowing there wont be one.

My doctor sees past my body and she sees me, she knows I know the risk I carry. They know, it's the society I struggle with. They don't see the amount I eat and what I eat. How much or how little I excersise.

Thank you Rocket. For every good day, there seems to be more bad ones. Today is a bad one.
It went alright enough, I was drowsy and exhausted when I woke up. I told a friend last night what happened to me. Why I quit certain activities that I loved very much. He was astounded, but extremely supportive. I think the conversation might have weakened me. I did study, I went for a walk in the sun, I hoovered and I caught up with a friend. Yet I felt empty. Or well, the sunlight was a nice surprise. I haven't seen the sun in weeks.
Now, at the end of the day I was watching the BBC show "midwives". It's from the 50'ies in a poor district in London.
Parts of that world I wouldn't have survived in. I'd have been locked away in an inhuman asylum. But, the way they portray love... That kind I've never seen before. The kindness and respect they show each other. The gentle ways, knowing and acknowleding the pain the other carry. And there's no more words needed to be spoken.

It has made me feel lonely this dark evening. Yet, at the same time - I would have no idea how to recieve such love.
I need to give. I cannot take, I don't know how.

i get it, dear sceal.  just suggestions/thoughts.  if they don't work for you, i totally get it.  i've had that happen to me, too, where people want to be helpful with stuff that's helped them, but it's like i'm not on the same wavelength or something.  doesn't work for me, doesn't work for you.  so, we keep looking for something that does work, or, sometimes it just happens when we're not looking for it.

yeah, these ups and downs can be draining.   i hope you find your footing again soon.  i am glad you had some sunlight to enjoy.  that's always good.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  right beside you, sceal.  warm, gentle  hug for you.

It's alright if it's a bad day. That's all right too.

I think it is possible to love something that one grew up hating. I don't know examples of people who grew to love themselves specifically over time, but I do know people in history who grew up as incredibly cruel people to others and becoming deeply loving to others over time if you search online.

But what I know, even cockroaches can be loved. Most do not, especially with the influences of our culture, but there are.

As someone with as many nerdy interests as me, I've seen all kinds of people who love strange things. Like bug scientists or hobbyist enthusiasts for studying insects. From ants, butterflies, to beetles and yes, even cockroaches.

I can picture them hunched over one with a magnifying glass with wonder over the wonderful functions of a crockroach. From their fascinating mosaic eyesight, to the amusement of their ability to live without a head. Their childlike joy over their rigid exsoskeletons and their fast little legs primed from their intelligent evolutionary origins.

That's love, a strange looking one, but pure love.

I believe beauty can be found in all kinds of things, Sceal. And all kinds of things can be loved. Even the most unexpected things.

Take care, Sceal.  :hug:

Darling San, I really do apprechiate the suggestions. Hopefully one day there'll be a suggestion I haven't tried that works. :)
I will try my best, San.

Dear Rocket, thank you for such optimistic words. Alas I am not a scientist or a bug-lover. I do know they excist, and I do know that they have done incredible important disoveries throughout their passion and that they are able to see beauty where no one else can see it. For alas, for me to care for myself in honesty and with love, I need to be able to see it. Though it is a nice picture that you paint. and I hope you're right, that it can change.

----
Last night I had terrible, terrible nightmares. The likes I haven't had in months. I woke up several times during the night. And even during my waking hours they kept haunting me. I tried to distract my mind by looking at pictures of kittens to ease the fear and paranoia. Alas it didn't work. In the end I woke up, and I turned on all the lights I could and I watched some netflix. 3 hours later I decided to try the bed again. I got rest, but I didn't sleep. My arms were aching so much due to inflammation irritation after yesterday's workout. It wasn't until 11 in the afternoon I bothered to get back up again. I really didn't want to. not at all. I wanted to spend the day in bed. But I had made an appointment with M to meet her at the fabric store.

She bought me black fabric for a new dress. It's almost finished. The pattern didn't quite fit my figure, so she was going to make some adjustments to make it fit better. It lifted my spirits somewhat to do something practical again, and almost finishing it.
I didn't manage to study today though, and I'm stressed and worried about that. But I am trying not to be too harsh on myself.
I will spend the day studying and drawing tomorrow, hopefully with a walk outside. It snowed today, it was amazing. It was so beautiful and wonderful. And for a moment sitting in my old bedroom at my parents (my mom turned it into a sewing room) I could stare out at the beautiful silence of the falling snowflakes. It was peaceful for half a minute. 

I somehow did manage to turn this day into something better than what it was starting out to be. Hope is back.
I am weak and weary, my energy levels are low. So any work, therapy-wise and study wise is burning me out. But, I suppose that's what it does, doesn't it. I've worked through some of my values, and wishes for the future. the why and what, and doubts. It isn't finished. It has all the big things, now I need to start writing the little things.
The little things matter they too.

really sorry about the nightmares, sweetie.  i've had those where they wouldn't stop and i had to go to the computer to distract my mind, for hours at times, before i could even attempt to go back to bed.  too many times, i've had results similar to yours.

don't know if this will pertain to you, but some of my worst nightmares ended up being the beginnings of breakthroughs for me.  it was like the prep was starting at a subconscious level until i was ready to see the reality whole and clear. 

at any rate, i hope that one way or another they stop,, and you can get some peaceful, restful sleep.  wishing you the best always, sending a warm, loving hug that's nightmare free.

Hi Sceal,
Really sorry to hear you've had those horrible nightmares - I hope you get some peace from those tonight - and that you're doing ok.  Just wanted to give you a hug, if that's ok  :hug: and wish you the best for 2018. 
Hope  :)

Hey, Sceal, sorry for those nightmares too. Sometimes I wake up panicked and irritable for some reason too, and I guess I must have had a nightmare I couldn't remember. Not being able to sleep really makes for someone more exhausted and restless.

I hope you take care of yourself, Sceal.  :hug:

San, the feeling of haunting nightmares even after you've woken properly up is really bothersome.  I hope you're right, I will try and make a note of it, if I have more clusters of nightmares the coming weeks and see if a breakthrough of one or another comes up soon. Though I have my BIG letter to my T that I'm about to give her in advance of the session next week. I might write it a bit longer, to get it all out there.  It'll be a breakthrough all on it's own if I manage to make her listen to my request, and make her understand.

Dear Hope, thank you so much for the hug! It was very welcome. I wish you too the best for 2018! Hope you have a lovely celebration.

Rocket, I usually remember all my dreams. Last night I dreamt for instance I was in US at a hotel and was arguing with the hotel manager because the rooms weren't what I paid for, and then I later found out that he was a Russian spy, and I had to track him down. The tracking him down was quite elaborate which somehow made me end up in a polar bear excursion on the North Pole with sledges.  ;D I've had all sorts of insomnia I think. And I do know for sure the value of quality sleep. If I don't get good enough sleep I very quickly deteriorate, and it makes it all the harder to fight the fight to get better!
----

So, it's finally here. New years eve. I've been wondering for the last two days (at least) where I was last year at new years eve. It came to me suddenly earlier. It's no wonder I don't remember much of it, I was at the psych ward. Very paranoid, sleep deprived and deeply depressed.
The year before I remember all too well. And I wish I didn't. I really wish I didn't. I got flashbacks from it, and they fill me so deep with shame.

This year I spend the morning removing the christmas decoration, studying a bit before visiting a friend, and then my mother and then for a dinner with another friend I've known since 2004, from a forum much like this one. But now I'm back home. And I'm alone.
I find I don't quite know what to do with myself. Outside the fireworks are blowing up right, left and center. I thought of watching a disney movie, but I can't decide of which one.

I wonder what 2018 will bring. The new years of 2015-16 was awful, and so was the year of 2016. 2016-17 was filled with mental illness, and so did 2017. This new years I find myself alone... Does that then signal that 2018 will be a lonely year?  If I'm to take the knowledge I have from what will happen the next few months, then the answer is yes.  I am lonely most of the time, but I find it too hard to open up and share, to dare to be vulnerable. Well, daring isn't always the problem. It's more not knowing what to say, and not wanting to be a bother, a burden. Be someone they have to step on eggshells around. Perhaps I just don't really know what it means to have true and goodnatured support from friends.
I've been working on what I want out of life from hereon and out. I'm not done with it. I am trying to make it as detailed as possible, so that it'll be easier to build and work towards it.
Though I do find that I have trouble choosing where to start. And it's so important that I start in very small dosages so I don't burn out. The small steps I am thinking of are:
- Drinking 1.5l water everyday
- Walking minimum 5000 steps a day, and reach 12000 steps 4-6 times a month
- Meatless Mondays and Soup Wednesdays
They are steps that are small enough to make, and are easy enough to start anew each day if I fail. But I cannot choose them all at once, and I don't know which one I deem the most important, and require the least amount of energy.
But I have yet to complete and finish up my values, wants and goals. Maybe something else will occur by the time I've finished.
Some of them are therapy-directed or required, but I doubt I'll get a chance, as therapy is ending mid-march unless my T actually listens to my needs.

I don't really feel anything right now. Restless perhaps, and a little chilly. I'm not tired, so there's no point in going to bed.

Midnight strikes in 1hour and 35 minutes for me. So, I just want to wish everyone a very happy and merry New Years Eve!

Interesting how the new year makes us all reflect on our past and the coming year like that. That's the purpose of yearly holidays such as this, to allow us to remember something.

Much of us have been scared of what's to come, including me. I don't know with you, but to me, I don't want to assume what would happen. To deeply hope whether things will turn out good, or to leap to the conclusions of a terrible year. I want to see the possibilites of what would happen like a scientist, "Assume nothing," and only then will I  take a look into what actually happens to adapt, rather than adapt only to what I think would happen.

Doesn't stop me from worrying though.

It's nice to start with little habits like this though, Sceal. It's little things like this that all add up to something bigger. Maybe we can't predict what would happen the next year, but we can at least get a sense of what would happen each little step step of the way. We can tell when little habits work out or not, and we can figure each out one by one.

From what I've seen, not even some high status statiscian or Systems thinker can predict perfectly what would happen to the world, as much as the wisest person can't predict their whole lives. It's a blank canvas, with the potential to be both good or bad.

I wish you the best that even if you don't paint a life that looks ideal, then at least I hope you make one that has some growth to it.

That counts too.

:hug:

I think it is a good thing to spend December and January to reflect on how the year has passed, and how one want the next year or phase of ones life to take hold. And see what one can actually do to reach our goals.
It's a hard job though, it takes time. But I think it's an important one.  And maybe even revisiting it a few times over the year, so it's not just forgotten.

I don't like to assume either. I try to work with the facts that I have available. There are options in my fast approaching future that is possible, but since they aren't yet facts or aren't yet clear things happening I can't put them into my "account of what's to come and prepare for it". When big change happens I need time to prepare. And big change is going to happen within short amount of time. change that I am not looking forward to.

I think we all worry, sometimes too much. I know I do. I like to use the excuse that it gives me ways to explore a problem in various ways to find various acceptable outcomes. I'm not so sure it's a valid excuse though - I think it might just be habit.

I think I've started with meatless monday and soup wednesday. They require the least amount of effort. The water and the walking requires more effort from me, and I'll slowly increase them - but not have them as my main goals for now. At least, that's how it is this week.

I don't even know what an ideal life would look like. :) But thank you so much for the well wishes. I do hope for growth, I always do.

:hug:

I realised today that I have my exam coming up very quickly. And eventhough I got alot of studying done today, I feel I've wasted a whole month of reading slowly and chapters I didn't need to focus that much on. There's so much room to cover and I have huge doubts.

Then I also realised that I have another deadline coming up even faster. And that is to create two more illustrations for the gallery show. I started on the first of the two remaining today. I had a brilliant idea (or so I thought) and it turns out I'm not able to make it work. And now I've no idea what to do. And for the second of the two... I've no idea what to do.
I've been slouching.
I am not proud of myself. I'm quite annoyed with myself.

sceal, i truly hope all those deadlines get met more easily than you could possibly anticipate, and that the effort needed goes smoothly - at least after right now.  wishing you well on your exam.

i'm also doing a life change re: food this year - i have 5 separate times of the year when i will allow myself sweets.  i need to get back to where i was with this.  sugar has been a crutch thru some emotional times, and i want that out.  it's hurting me now, and i don't want it to get worse.

i'm glad for you that you could prioritize according to energy levels for yourself.  i think that's great.  keep up the good work.

absolutely hoping that your t listens to you, and you get added therapy as needed.  cutting people off like that is awful.  with you all the way on that one.  sending a big hug full of warmth, hope, and love.

San, I did make progress on the illustration a few hours after I ranted in my journal. Perhaps your thoughts of cheering me on was also a part of it (even if I didn't know it at the time). I'll admit, I was kind of pleased with myself for pushing through the failure. I am not far from finished with it, yet I hesitate, I don't want to fail and re-do it one more time. And I also have no clue which last fairytale to use to represent some psychological struggle or illness.

I don't know what to do about studies. I am reading as fast as I can, but I am unable to read in debth at the moment. I don't have time for that if I am to cover alot of ground. I worry.

I read an article yesterday about a girl loosing alot of weight. She allowed her self sweets on special occations (birthdays and holidays and such) and one day a week where she allowd to eat a little more, or something more tasty. She also did a * of a lot of working out though. Cudos to her! Some say it can be super tasty and refreshing to eat healthy non-processed food. And that you should enjoy your meals.  I can imagine it being refreshing, in the sense that there's little to no bloating, and less energy-stealing after such a meal.  But tasty? Except for Christmas Eve dinner, it's been a very long time since I ate something and thought "OMG, this is amazing!" And then, when I tell someone I struggle with enjoying food and knowing what to eat and how much. They like to tell me 2/4 veggies 1/4 meat and 1/4 carbs. But what if you have soup? or pizza? or stew? How do you divide it then!? Then they just shrug. Or say "you're not supposed to enjoy food".  Sigh! It's confusing and disorianting.

I hope you'll reach your goal, San. it's a hard thing to cut out the sweets. Gives you so much cravings!

I don't remember yesterday. Did I go to the store? Did I leave the appartment? I know I gave up on sleep around 01 to draw. And went back around 02 to sleep, but failed miserable. I've slept about 0.5-1hr. I don't function very well on lack of sleep. My back was in pain. The kind of pain that you can't ignore even if it isn't very intense. If It had been my arm, shoulder, legs or anything that I could reach I would have used some painkiller cream. The painkillers didn't work. Now I feel... like my limbs are vibrating. Like they don't have enough blood pumping through them. And I got group again today, with the new lady. It sucks.

I am going to deliver the letter to my T today. Or rather, I am going to deliver it to the secertary. Hopefully she'll read it before the session next week.

Right now I am excited!
I feel clear headed, and it's not very often that I feel clear headed. But I am enjoying the sensation.

I've been to the DBT group today and after I went to the SA center. I just want to talk about the SA center first. Because it's freshest in my mind. I really like my contact there, she can be quite direct and I'll admit I like it. I like that when I know that the intention is good.
She said she thinks I can work more than 20%, because I'm so resourcefull. She said that she thinks that I one day can work 100%. And she challenged me today as to why I think I can't. She suggests that I talk myself down a bit too much, I told her that's not how I've seen it. But more that I tend to push myself for too long with too high expectations and then I remain burnt out for a long period. And that I am now trying to find a balance.

I told her that I want to talk about the traumas, the bad stuff. That I know that by opening pandora's box things will become increasingly and unimaginable difficult. But I think it must be better than just focusing on the symptom treatment. That wont make me better. I've tried that. She thinks I would benefit from very intense therapy where I delve down into all of this, and get things sorted and come out on the other end stronger. I am so happy to hear her say that, because that's what I want too. (Not that she can give me that. But I am happy that someone understands what I'm trying to say).  And then I don't remember how we got into it, but we started talking about diagnoses. And I said which ones I've had up throughout the years.And which I have now. I mentioned hearing voices. Which she got really interessted in because she's taking a master or extra education in dissociation. So we talked about that. And she explained the differences between ANP and ENP (I think it was called). And talked about that maybe ENP's come more in the foreground during the times that I loose.

And I realised on my way out of there that... Maybe it's because of the ENP's that I am unable to emotionally connect when I talk about things, or why I avoid talking about subjects that are emotionally provoking. Because I know that during my teenage years I was forbidden to show any vulnerability. I know that's how I survived. Though I think it was me who decided that emotions was forbidden in me, not other people telling me to. It's just an untestable hypothesis.
And it gave me an image...

I realised. I'm a chameleon!
I change according to the environment I am in. I do my best to fit in, to be liked, approved to such an degree that me, myself and I don't have a place.

This is a very exciting thought! Because it might help me work on my values and my boundaries. It might help me question them, and find ways that are mine and not influenced strongly by others.


Side-note about group. It was difficult not having my steady and warm group leader. I was anxious, my foot was running away from me, my muscles tensed all up. And at one point I had to leave the room. Because the lump in my belly was starting to give me physical pain. I didn't know how to excuse myself, so I just left. When I came out from the toilet the new group leader was standing there. She just wanted to make sure I was okay, but it was too much for me. I told her that I didn't know her, and I am sure it was pretty obvious she'd come too close as I had every intent to lock myself back into the toilet after I'd turned the light off... And I figured that'd be weird and I couldn't. So I was stuck. But she told me she understood and she asked if I'd join her back with the group if she walked ahead of me. I said yes. And right before we re-entered the group room she told me I'd been brave.
I didn't feel brave. But, she seemed less dangerous.
I don't even know why she represented such danger to me.

sceal, i'm so excited for you.  what marvelous accomplishments.  and sounds like some wonderful people in your life to help you find your way.  that is so cool.

finding that balance has been, for me, some of the hardest parts of all this.  i totally get the push too hard then crash and can't get back up for too long syndrome.  it sounds like she gave you a different perspective, one that you may be able to accommodate for yourself in your own way. 

and i like the way your new group leader dealt with what was going on.  she sounds very caring to me, very concerned with your well-being above all.  i liked that she gave you a different perspective as well about returning to the group. 

and, congrats to you on getting on with your illustrations.  that sounds interesting - fairy tales representing psychological issues?  sounds like a pretty neat concept.

dang, you're doing so good.  look at you, just moving right along.  you go!   warm, loving hug to you.

That's amazing, Sceal.  :applause:

It reminds me of paradigms — something I've learned by obsessively studying problem solving. It describes a certain point of view of a subject — that's so essential to its nature that some people don't even recognize they hold it. Like fish not knowing they're in water — because after all, do they comprehend what it's like not to be in water?

You've changed your paradigm of how to emotionally heal. That this time you heal by recognizing your own wants and needs — that you're a chameleon. Sometimes people figure things out by changing the big picture goal — the paradigm — not by changing the details, steps or repeating what was done. To question our own assumptions until we can find the root of it all.

You're doing well, and there seems to be a lot of other people around to support you. I understand how incredibly difficult to open up to someone new — it took me years to open up to anyone about my problems at all — but the thing about new people is that they can have new perspectives others in your circle don't.

So take your time to figure this new paradigm out.

Take care, Sceal.  :hug:

I hope I am, San, doing well. I don't know what it feels like.  Fragile I suppose. I keep waiting for the bad days to come back.
This morning was a bad day. But I managed to turn it around to a better day. Not good, but better.

Rocket, I do enjoy problem solving. As long as it's not riddles, or numbers and things that's measuring my intellect. Those makes me stressed and ashamed. But I like finding out sollutions. I suspect it's part of the creative in me.

I'm not sure if I've changed yet, I think I am more in the process of changing. Time will tell.
I do not have alot of people around me that I can talk to. The ones I got are professionals. My GP occationally. I only see her every few months. The SA-Center lady which is also sporadically, although more often than my GP. And my Psychologist, who I'm scared is going to leave me now. I have one friend I discuss psychological matters with, but not emotional stuff with.
My ex, the guy I live with, would be here for me if I asked him. But I feel it's not fair on him. So I haven't told him, about what happened recently. For all he knows all the stuff happened 12 years ago and earlier, the little I told him. It broke his heart, so I didn't talk about it later on. And he never asked again.  But it makes me incredible grateful for the professionals that I do got.

I agree with the SA-center lady though, I know how to talk to professionals. I know how to answer their questions, because I know their language. I've worked in healthcare, I've written in hundreds, maybe thousands of patient journals. Read thousands of referrals and external hospital letters and such. It is a different language, it's cold and unpersonal. It has to be, because it's meant to be objective. A patients journal is a legal document. You can't write how much you fear, pity, worry, care about the patient in the journal. 
I get passive though, when I'm in the chair at my T's office. I get submissive. I admire her, and her profession so greatly. Geing a doctor was my childhood dream, as I got older i wanted to be a psychologist. Neither dream is possible, so I look up to them. I do. And it is hard for me to be critical, to ask hard questions, to oppose them... Or to ask them to prolongue my treatment. It's taken me a long time to realise this.  I think it's that, mixed up with possible EP's.

Yes, Sceal. Lots of us don't want to burden the people we care about. I don't know what to do about that either, but I'm glad you have some professionals around to help at least.

I have the opposite problem with my therapists. I get too skeptical, ask too many opposing questions and get pessimistic about them. Maybe we can learn from each other and find a way to balance towards the other extreme.

Just throwing some suggestions here but — I guess the only way you can trust your own insights and ideas is that you try them little by little and see if it works out for yourself. If it works, it works, no matter what others say.

Second, all perspectives in a problem need to communicate. Professionals don't know everything. What if chefs didn't ask their customers if their food is actually delicious? What if filmmakers didn't ask how the audience if they enjoyed their movie? What if teachers don't ask their students if they're actually learning something?

Same with your therapists, Sceal.

Well, best of luck then with whatever action you choose. .  :hug:

Thank you Rocket. That was well said.
I tend to forget that they too need feedback! Even when she asks for it, I tend to say that "it's fine". Because I don't know what else to say.  And I need to remember that it's not a personal attack if I disagree with her. It's a professional one.

Seems you're making great strides forward atm Sceal!  :cheer:

Thank you Blueberry, I hope it's true.  :) And that a step backwards is far in the future.

I've been dreaming alot lately. Well, technically I always do. I tend to remember all my dreams.
I've been dreaming of Her. I thought she could be trusted, I thought I could fit in, I thought it was safe. But it wasn't safe, it wasn't safe at all. The Husband is what ruined me all over again, who is the demon who I fight.

In the dream She came back, she accused me. It was all my fault. I left Her, I left Her children. I was to blame. I was a liar, it was hours with being accused of ruining Her life, of being utterly useless and a cheat.

It wasn't a good dream. I've been left out of sorts ever since. Looking at my sheet for DBT where I'm to track down emotions, awareness, sleep and such.. it's been very little dotted down. I don't recall. Two full days are blank, two other days are barely written in at all.
It's a shame a dream has so much power over you.
I don't know how I feel.
I feel distanced.

 :hug:

 :hug: Thank you, I needed that

TW ---- (Anger, Rape, society)

I mentioned the other day that I'm reading a book about rape victims, and about sexual assaults. That I had waited to read it, because I knew it would trigger me. I knew it would be difficult.
And it is. But it's difficult in a different way than what I thought it'd be.
It is increasing my shame about what happened to me, about my part in all of it.
But it is also making me angry. Angry at society, at the way they, we, blame the victims. Or blame the parents who raised the rapist.
Or even worse "The poor boy will have his life ruined now", like what happened around the Brock Turner's case in the states.

This is NOT okay. This mentality has to stop. Instead of it becoming better, it seems to me it's just becoming worse. Or maybe it's that the uglyness is rearing it's awful disgusting head more visibly now than before? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that something changes.

I want to be apart of that change. I want to help others. I want to spread knowledge, information, and comfort. I want to prevent it from keep happening.

I know that this is just a momentarilly bout of energy that I have. That I have enough on my plate to figure out and work on before I start actually helping others. But this would give meaning to my life. Besides, I have no idea how I COULD help. I would like to work at the SA center. But I am not sure they would have me. But other than that place.. I don't know. I don't know how I could be helpful.
I can't stand on a stage and talk the big talk, or get kids and grown ups to listen to me. I am not charismatic enough, or have a powerful enough voice. Nor do I feel like sharing MY story to the rest.

So what do I do? What can I do?

-- End TW --

Hectic dream night last night.
Woke up feeling heavy and dislocated.
in two hours I'm seeing my T. Hopefully she's read the letter. and hopefully not.  I am scared and worried she will be upset or angry.
Eventhough there's not reason for it. ( for her to be and me to be scared).

Hi Sceal,
I really hope that your session goes well today and that your T is receptive to your letter.  Wishing you strength today and hoping that you are ok.
Hope you sleep better tonight.
Hope  :)

Hi Sceal, I hope you're alright. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's alright to make mistakes. I want to give some insights — but I don't claim to know perfectly what you're going through, so disregard what doesn't work for you. Especially since even with myself growing to be too empathetic at times, I still have that distant logical side I've had through life to manage it.

Most of us can't stop the rain, but we can hold an umbrella over someone's heads.

We think of grand speakers, but not the people who spread their words in everyday life. We think of grand thinkers, but we don't think of the small suggestions others have contributed to their ideas over time. We think of grand feelers, but not small acts of kindness and vulnerability from others that allowed them to have a deep acceptance to others and themselves over time.

Maybe we can't change the world, but we can change the worlds inside people in everyday life. When it's seen as a world inside them, it can seem big. And maybe that one person would go on to spread that change to others too, spreading the kindness further.

You've done a lot for me, Sceal, with the little you do. And I bet at least a few others on OOTS too. Remember those Brene Brown books you suggested to me? I'm really learning from them — to be a little bit more accepting, soften my logical side somewhat and be a little more open.

Thanks.  :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on January 09, 2018, 09:28:50 AM
Hi Sceal,
I really hope that your session goes well today and that your T is receptive to your letter.  Wishing you strength today and hoping that you are ok.
Hope you sleep better tonight.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! I am okay. I was in all knots when I waited for her, and it was a change of routine, she and 5 others had to move offices because one came back from maternity leave and wanted her old office back (Sounded weird to me!). Her new office is much bigger, but there's no distracting window right beside the door. So I think I like it better.
We talked about the last three weeks, going through the week-charts that I have to do as part of the therapy. and I started getting even more unfocused and anxious. And I managed to tell her I was feeling vulnerable. I was unable to ask her if she'd gotten the letter. I figured she hadn't, otherwise she'd have brought it up.

Instead we did a pro and con list on why I should excersise on being more present in everyday life. And a pro-and con list for not being present. The first list was mixed equally. My ambivilence towards it was quite clear. But on the pro and con list for not being present, there was a con that said as long as I keep fading away, and dissociating, I'll not gain progress. And that stung a bit. Realizing that. The short term goals completely destroys my long-term one.

I asked at the end of the session about the letter. She was going to go look for it today, and we'll talk about it next time.
I discovered something today, now I just have to make use of it and implement it.


Dear Rocket, I'm at a loss for words of how to reply your answer right now. So I'll come back to you a little later (possibly today)

Hi Sceal,
Glad you are ok and hope your night is better tonight - and that you sleep well.
Hope  :)

Sceal, you're mentioning your thoughts here! Even if your post just reaches a few rape survivors on here, that's something! On better days, I believe in the snowball effect. My words reach someone who expands on my thoughts and passes them on etc. I don't have to move mountains all by myself.

I hope you sleep better tonight, with fewer or no nightmares!

@Hope, Thank you. I hope so too. I hope your day has been nice to you as well.  :)

@Blueberry I remember there was a movie that was close to my heart when I was younger, I think it was called "pass it on" or something. It's similar to the snowball effect. I have been told before that I've helped others. But, it just somehow, doesn't feel like enough. I can't really explain it.

@Rocket
I am okay, and I am not okay. It's a very weird state to be in. Most of the time I feel fine, but then I stop myself and ask "Am I really though?", and that's when I notice the faint warning signs that I'm not. But it's so faint, I can't deal with it.

Your analogy is beautiful, and a good reminder. Both on the fact that it's not always the big ideas that matter, but the smaller ones. And also that the smaller steps matter, in order to reach the bigger goals.

It warms me that I've been able to help you, Rocket. And I am glad too, that you are able to make use of Brene Brown's wisdom. I really like her, I recently adviced a RL friend about her too.

----  (This might be just long bunch of nothings and somethings.) (TW)
My head is spinning. So many thoughts. I'm restless. I want to do so much, but at the same time.. I really don't want to do anything.
My body is tense, but that's nothing new. It's just.. I've noticed I'm tensed up when I sleep too. I'm all stiff and painful during the morning. Like I've been clenching my upper body all night.  I don't have physio therapist anymore. I stopped going to the one I had after she went so insistent on the food. She overstepped her boundaries. I couldn't face her again.
I had another one once who asked me, after seeing all the scars on my arm if I stole the blades from my workplace. *? Seriously. Why would I need to steal a blade? They are so incredible easy to come by. Needless to say, I never went back to her either. Though I did stay that appointment. And I had laughed at her question as if it was the silliest thing in the world to ask. It wasn't. It was deeply humiliating and insulting.

I treated myself to a spa day an afternoon I was off work, the summer before the last rape. I was in a good place at the time. I went to the swimming pool area first. They had a regular one, an heated outdoor one overseeing the fjord, and they had a cold pool, and a huge bubble pool. And I had it almost all to myself. It was glorious. I was in the swimming area for 2 hours before I went to get my massage. It was a full body one, with mud and stuff. I had no idea what to expect.. but it was AMAZING. I felt revived. I had never felt so relaxed and painfree since kindergarten. I drove home. And that's when it hit me. The pain. It was so intense and excruciating. I rarely yell out. Mainly only when I stub my toe. But I was lying in "child pose", squirming on the floor screaming. My BF at the time freaked out, he didn't know what to do. The night was spent at the ER. They let me come home at 5 in the morning. I was exhausted. It turns out that... The massage had relieved so much tension in my body, my muscles and nerves didn't know what to do with it. They panicked. Went into shock.
I've never dared to be massaged after that. Although I dream of it. I dream of having the muscles knots lifted and released.
It is making me cry, just the thought of the relief of all that pain.

During therapy today there was a moment when I started asking questions, and i felt a little proud of myself. I finally dared to ask, but she shot me down because the questions were based in shame, and we were trying to make me come out of a shame-prison. I didn't realise it was shame asking the question at the time. But I suppose it was. I was challenging why I should act differently, why I should do the oposite. Why that would help. And then when I calmed down further she asked me what had happened to make me calm down. I knew what. She had talked me out of it. But somehow I couldn't give her that answer. Somehow I couldn't give her any answer at all. But she knew. She said that she had talked me out of it. Infact, she said it was an "ugly hypothesis" of hers. I felt it was spot on, so I couldn't see how it was ugly. so I asked. She said it was because it was judgemental on her part. Because I needed someone else to help me out, and she was trying to teach me how to be more emotionally independent. (she didn't use that phrasing).
It made me think.. She has a point. I need to learn to do these things on my own. Normally I just let time pass. Passing time tends to diminish shame and other emotions. They come in a wave and wash over you, and then go back to the sea where they came.

It also made me realise.. she is prepared to send me off my merry way soon. Maybe my letter was too late. Maybe it has no effect. Maybe... I have to accept that I don't have a say when it comes to my own treatment.

Sceal there are a lot of great insights in your post.  I echo Blueberry in the thought that sharing your ideas and experience here touches all of us, which is so powerful. I am constantly grateful for your insights I your post.

Your T sounds like she has good intentions, but it is hard to tell from reading sometimes.

Sending you lots of warmth and comfort of that is helpful  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on January 10, 2018, 03:21:43 AM
Sceal there are a lot of great insights in your post.  I echo Blueberry in the thought that sharing your ideas and experience here touches all of us, which is so powerful. I am constantly grateful for your insights I your post.

Your T sounds like she has good intentions, but it is hard to tell from reading sometimes.

Sending you lots of warmth and comfort of that is helpful  :hug:

Thank you Elphanigh, it really do mean alot to know that I am touching others. I wonder if I see the same insights as you guys do. Most of the time I just feel like I'm spewing stuff out that I don't know what to do with. 

And I agree, My T has good intentions. I don't always convey her the best way, I know. Or more like, it's easy to misinterpret. Sometimes I think I give her too much credit due to the fact I admire her so much, but in her treatment of me, I am sure she does what she thinks is best. I need to try and communicate more clearly.

---- ( Another long post! I'm sorry!)
Oh Wow! What a day!
I'm exhausted.

The morning was calm and easy. I arrived early for my DBT group session, which is when I started to get uneasy. I tried asking myself questions to identify why I was becoming uneasy. Why is my foot shaking? Why is there a lump in my stomach? Why do I feel like going outside? Why am I paying attention to every single sound in this building? But there wasn't any answer really.
There was a man who arrived at the waiting area after me, who I struggled with his presence a bit. But I felt it was unfair to him, he was obviously there for a reason. And so he should be allowed space to be there without me judging or fleeing.

When the group started we did a short mindfulness task like always. I found it easy. It was drawing after a simple picture upside down. I've done it so many times before, it becomes automatic. I felt nothing, I was thinking of nothing. I wasn't present, and I wasn't un-present. If that make any sense. So when we went around the table to say what we thought and felt and observed during this task I couldn't say anything. I'd finished way before the time was up.  Then we started talking about last week's homework. I hadn't done it. I looked at it yesterday, but I couldn't do it. I remembered nothing from last week. Or, having spent 1.5 day thinking about last week I now remember parts of Wednesday, but that's it. The rest is a big blank canvas. Nothing.
One of the girls talked through her homework, and how she handled a conflict with her friend was really admireable. Such calm and poise.  And then the world became... untangible. Un-real. Something was wrong, and I couldn't tell what. I couldn't pay attention to what people were saying, I could hear them talk, and I could hear the words, but as a whole sentence I couldn't comprihend.

I started counted backwards in sequence of 2. 90, 88, 86, 84 etc.. It didn't help, I tried to do it more difficult 100, 97, 94, 91 etc... It didn't help. I tried touching the chair and the table, and the binder. It didn't help. I started staring at those talking willing my brain to work. Nope. Then it was breaktime. I felt like, like there was a fog surrounding my brain. When people talked and looked directly at me I could focus, sort of. slowly. It required energy. Suddenly there was a lot of people in the breakroom (there wasn't. It was just the same people in the group room). So much noise. It didn't do. So I left. Back to the group room, but one of the leaders were talking to another participant. So I walked to the toilet to get some peace instead. It was somehow worse there. More disconnected. That toilet could have been any toilet in the world. I felt even more disconnected. I started having trouble directing my limbs, so I went back into the group room.
After the break we were going to watch a video by Brene Brown on Empathy (If you haven't seen it, google it. It's amazing). I've seen it before. And the two group leaders afterwards were going to make a roleplay scenario, meaning one of the sign-language interpeters intended to stand behind me. That was out of the question. So instead of gently saying it'd be a problem for me for her standing behind me, I said "You can't stand behind me" in a half-paniced voice. The group leaders were perfectly okay with it. But I started hating myself. And the voices jumped on the chance to critisize. "Who do you think you are?", "That wasn't very nice was it?", "You're making problems for the half-deaf girl now", "That was rude!", "you should be ashamed of yourself". And I was gone. The room dissapeared, the people dissapeared. I don't know for how long, at some point I heard someone say my name over and over again, and I looked up and suddenly there were people all around me. So I left the group room. It wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. The group leader came after me, and she helped me. It took a while to ground me. We threw a pillow back and forth. And used Ice cold water on my hands to center me.
It felt better, being back. Or being more back. And I felt guilty. I feel I somehow chose to fall away, and after yesterday's therapy session I've realised falling away, not being present, is the oposite of making progress.  I still feel guilty.

I went for an easy walk afterwards. Just to clear my head and my emotions. to get some clarity. It worked until I got home. My roomate was awake and I got annoyed. I suspect I got annoyed because I needed more time to myself, and there wasn't room for it.
I tried to write down a to-do list of the things I need to sort out.

Next week's homework.
Today's studying,
Writing down healing and helpful techniques in a small handheld book I am going to call "The Wisdom book" (it's a Ravenclaw book, so it kind of fits. )
Write a script on an e-mail I should send out to different companies asking for advice in regards to "what kind of education do I need to work at your place? If any?"

I am worried about the future still. I can't seem to figure out what I want. the more I uncover, the more and more and more questions pop up and I don't know where to start.

If you read to the bottom of this... Thank you. I know this was a lot.

 :hug: sry can't manage more.

 Is it alright if I offer you a hug?  :hug:

I dissociate in a different way - but it is still embarrassing to me and usually leaves me feeling shame.

The other day, I got triggered while grocery shopping and I started to feel that falling sensation, it feels like everything is shrinking away from me. My husband who was with me later mentioned I seemed different, so it was discernible to others. But even though I dissociated, this time I didn't feel the usual shame! And I think it's because I've finally accepted that this is a reaction not in my mind, but in my brain. It's not something we can think ourselves out of! It's not a character flaw, it's a physical reaction to stress.

When our brain has misinterpreted the signals in our environment and thrown the body into one of the 4F reactions, we can communicate with our parasympathetic nervous system in a number of ways, to trigger it into sending the body back into a more calm state;

QuoteWhen we are frightened or stressed, we take short shallow breaths which serve as one of the signals to activate the sympathetic nervous system and go on full hormonal alert. By taking a long, slow deep breath, we can in effect send the "all clear" signal for the body to stand down from high alert. Muscles unclench, the heart rate lowers, and hormonal equilibrium is restored.

(From https://www.kidscooperate.com/blog/communicating-with-your-nervous-system)

By taking in a slow breath (say, to the count of 3) and then exhaling slowly (longer, maybe to the count of 6), we set in motion a chain reaction that leads our body into a more relaxed state.

Just thought I'd share that with you. Dissociating can be so embarrassing and discouraging, but you're not alone, and there are solutions. That one works for me. I hope you find one that works for you.
:heythere:

A hug is most welcome! When I read it the first time today I was on the verge of crying, I needed it so bad.  :hug: :hug:

I usually don't dissociate like this. Occasionally, but not usually. Usually it's just time lost. I can't describe it beyond that.
I am glad you managed to avoid the after-shame in your episode as you described.
Though it might be in the brain, it doesn't mean it can't be taught. At least according to my recent study and my T. But I suppose it depends on the expectations one set.
Fully healed? Maybe not. But improvement? Hopefully so :) as long as one still has hope, right?

I do the breathing when I am anxious. We call it the ski-elevator. The trip up the mountain is the short breath in. And the swinging slope back down is the breath out. And that way you can use your fingers to trace your breathing. :) But it is the same concept. 
You can also do it opposite. If you find you need to activate your self. Shorter outbreath and longer breathing in. It stimulates the nervous system. And helpful if you are fawning or freezing.

Hi Sceal. Learning to breathe well is like training any muscle in the gym - the more you do it, the stronger it becomes.  :hug: 

Sorry, can't say much. I have a lot on my plate these days.

 :hug:

-----

I have often wondered how people who has gone through the same, or similar or worse things than I, are able to study or able to go back to work full time. I've wondered where do they get the strength from? And how, how can I do the same?
I've been happy for them, but also envious. Not envious because I felt they didn't deserve it, but envious because I hadn't figured out the same secret as them.
Today I wonder, is it partly because I've worked in healthcare and have to give so much of me on a daily basis - and I simply don't have more to give because there's nothing left of me?
But then, what about all of them who has gone through the same, and do work in health care?

I question how to move forward. I question what is good for me. I question if I should aim towards what I've always wanted, or if I need to accept that's never going to happen. That they stole it from me too, and now I have to find a utterly different path? And will that make me happy? Or will it come retirement age make me bitter and resentful?

I don't know! I wish I had someone who could help me figure this out, to ask objectively. Who took his or her time to let me figure it out, and once I had keep reminding me of what I've decided once I start flailing like I am now. this time last year I was so determined to continue on this path. This year, I'm so exhausted. There's no willpower left.

I had my first lecture of the season today.
Getting there was difficult. The panic anxiety showed it's ugly disgusting head. But I weathered the storm. And that without anxiety meds or calling my T. (Although I worry my T is angry with me... So I don't actually dare call).

As I sat in the auditorium I was reminded why I do this. Because it is so incredibly interesting! It feels exciting and it gives me new perspectives and knowledge. And it's something I value highly.

Then they told how this course is going to be.  Group work (yes!) Several and often presentations ( oh *:+@&$ no!!) And last but not least.. a 2hr presentation in front of college kids right before their "spring break". To share with them our knowledge about Stress in critical situations. (Holy *! )

The last bit scares me. And excites me. It's challenging beyond my skills and comfort. But, it's important. I will have the chance of being apart of something important. Something worthwhile.

If. And only if... I can manage the workload. Which I highly suspect... I won't.

I've also wondered about how people in terrible situations such as being sickly or in trauma grow up to do something great. I've read a number of biographies, and now that I think about it, a lot of the famous people I've read about grew up sickly. Some of their physical illnesses are even taken advantage in some way -- like a person who was blind was able to theorize something on a new theory of a gene (Genotypes and phenotypes) because about every other scientist at the time was only focusing on the visual parts of genetics seen physically. That, or like the writer of Dracula, who weaved themes of everlasting sleep and rise from the dead inspired by much of his life spent bedridden.

I'm not sure, but while there are certain classic themes you can google online for this that say things like "Hard work" or "Believe in yourself." But I'd theorize it has less to do with general themes like this, but the unique expressions of these themes people find for themselves. I'd name it avoiding "Idea stereotypes" like avoiding stereotypes in gender, race or nationality. Like Brene Brown did with redefining concepts like authenticity, creativity, happiness and so on, right? When people imagine leadership for example, they think charismatic and bold, not reflective and cautious. That, or how I saw the stereotype of compassion as Mother Theresa types, rather than also including logical people who maintain some distance towards others that allow them to judge others' situation with more clarity.

From what I've seen, idea innovation is often when people expand an idea's definition to encompass a larger amount of people suited to their own strengths rather than going against it. To think of what are usually called weaknesses as strengths, and strengths as weaknesses. In other words, maybe the answer isn't finding what works in other's lives, but in yours.

I'm glad you've joined the lecture and felt important for once. And to feel both afraid and excited at the same time. That shows that you're willing to work your butt of to learn, not just because everyone else says so, but because you're truly interested. I admire that. I envy having more of that feeling these days . . . But I also understand how terrible it is to feel like you can't possibly manage everything, and it's alright to feel that.

Well, best of luck Sceal. I'm cheering you on.  :cheer:

Well, best of luck Sceal. I'm cheering you on.

 :hug: Rocket


I am exhausted. I just want to lie down in someone's safe embrace and cry til I fall asleep. And then just sleep, without any dreams or nightmares. just.. turn off the button.

 :grouphug:  :hug: to you Sceal. May I suggest the Healing Porch?

Thanks, Blueberry. maybe I will

Hey Sceal. Just want to give you a good ol' hug now.  :hug:

 :bighug: to you Rocket.

dearest sceal, it sounds like you're on the precipice of something very special.  of course that would be both scary and exciting, but i'll tell you what - the growth you've shown over the past few months makes me believe that, altho this might be challenging, you will rise to it.  i think you're ready.

the idea of passing your wisdom and experience to others thirsting for such knowledge , well, it sounds wonderful to me. 

as far as how have other people done what they've done through their own trauma and pain?  just another example of everyone being different, having different levels of tolerance, etc.  none are better or worse.  being a therapist, i totally get the idea of being exhausted by such work, the constant giving, researching, grasping for new ways to reach people so that they can finally reach themselves.   it's not for everyone, that's for sure. 

still, i know that you will find your way through your heart, the source of love, even if it takes a bit of time.  one foot in front of the other, you'll get there.  warm, loving hug to you.

 :bighug:

Thank you wonderful people!  :hug: Warm hugs and a big mug of hot chocolate with cream (dairy free if need be) for anyone who wants!

---
Last week was... Long. Both in a bad way, but also in a good way.  I suspect this post will be long, because I have alot to talk about.

It started the week before really. As some might remember, I had written a letter to my T in regards to my fears, concerns and needs towards future therapy. She hadn't read it at the appointment, which dissapointed me a little. She told me she hadn't been aware there had been a letter for her, she was just back from the holiday. The appointment we talked about being present instead. I had some insights there that I didn't want, and it left me feeling immensely guilty for the next few days. Guilty towards myself and towards my T. That I'd been sabotaging my recovery without knowing it, and continued to so after I realised. It was a large camel to swallow. But I'm glad I've become aware of it. A day or two after I went to the SA center and talked to the lady there. We talked about rest, my fear for the future, my fear of not working hard enough, not accomplishing enough etc etc etc. She asked me if I had any days where I didn't intend to study. I said I don't study on Wednesdays, because that's group day. Unless I feel inspired to read. She thought I needed more time off than just half a day. Therapy is work too. Two days of therapy a week, and then the study the rest of the week. She said I need a day completely off. To do whatever it is that I want to do.  What a strange concept! I mostly do things to impress others, or live up to their (my) expectations, to show that I'm worth it, etc. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about. 

So that's really when it started. The thought of not doing anything I HAD to for a whole day a week. And I did, I hung out with a friend, and ended up playing videogames when I got back home. Did nothing of productivity what so ever. Then I opened my week-planner for the coming week (which was last week), and I cringed. Group, Therapy, SA-center, university lecture, university study group (with strangers!), Sewing-day with mom, Cinema and dinner with dad. A friend coming over to my place for dinner. Deadline for the gallery show, and not to mention the fact I had to study. And this was Monday through Friday. I was exhausted before the week started. This week was also the 5 year "anniversary" of a terrorist attack that affected my family very closely. So I had that on my mind too.

Monday: I decided to skip studying, and went to visit a friend and her husband who's on paternity and maternity leave. I stayed for a few hours ( and at the back of my mind I reminded myself that: this was not the smartest way of starting the week.. by stimulating myself even more). We ended up playing videogames after the kids had gone to bed.

Tuesday: VERY productive study day. I was quite proud of that. But it also meant I had used up all my energy and mental energy before my friend showed up for dinner. She stayed past my bedtime, and I didn't know how to throw her out earlier.

Wednesday: Therapy Group. Sewing session with mom ( I finished a new dress, I'm quite happy with that). And I was supposed to go to the movies with dad, but I asked him if we could postpone it. And he said yes (which I am incredible grateful for). I stayed for dinner before I went home to work on the last piece for the gallery show, I hadn't even started and the deadline was Thursday. As well as I had an early morning with therapy at 0815. I was stressed when I got home. Frustrated. I couldn't focus. My arm was aching and burning up. I couldn't find the right reference photos and as time went by I felt the pressure raise. And then suddenly, I cracked the code. I figured out the perspectives, which is my biggest pain. And I drew it. It wasn't good. It wasn't placed well on the paper, but I had done it. Then I double checked the e-mail from the gallery and it turns out the deadline is on the 28th! I breath a sigh of relief. And decided I got time to re-draw it ( I still haven't done it). I went to bed. Knots in my stomach.

Thursday: I felt heavy, knots in my stomach was even bigger, denser. Had my T read the letter? Was she angry? Did I demand too much? Is she going to reject me? I was anxious. I tried to breathe calmly and tell myself to accept what would come. But atleast hopefully I'd get an answer today and then I could deal with it afterwards. Turns out she hadn't read the letter. She looked ashamed, she had forgotten. I forgave her. She asked me what it was about. And I was ridden with the warm wash of shame. I couldn't focus properly, I felt sick. But I told her. Weakly. I told her what it was about. It was pretty obvious that this was a hard thing for me to do. So most of the time of the appointment we spent on bringing me back and reducing shame. It involved a little roleplaying and some experimenting on other subjects than the one we were talking about. But it helped. I learned how weak I am when I ask for things. How too careful I am. That there's no force when I am asking for something, and she helped me navigate the waters and feeling the difference between asking weakly, or too carefully, and one that's more forceful, without demanding. Just clearer. It was interessting to see the difference. To feel the difference. Once I came back to myself again and not so affected by emotions we could talk about the actual topic again. Trauma therapy, and prolongued therapy.
It was still difficult, but I felt she wasn't angry, displeased or upset with me. Or judgemental at all. I couldn't quite tell her the way I wanted, or with the details I tried to tell her. But, the message was said. And she agreed. I've now got therapy until June, and then we'll re-evaluate.
We'll be starting with trauma therapy this week. I am both terrified and elated.  She asked me at the end of the session how I felt. I didn't know. We had gone over the time, and I knew she had another appointment. So I felt I couldn't spend up more time figuring it out. She guessed that I might be feeling a little shame, a little worry but also relief.  She hit the nail!
I felt all of that. And when I left the office, I felt elated. Energized! Finally! I felt I'd been heard on something that mattered a great deal to me, by someone who had the power to give it to me and whom I respect.  I know I have a hard time ahead of me. And quite possibly harder than I can imagine. But I just have to try and look for the long-term goal. And hopefully remind myself of it. I had a few hours to spare before I had another appointment at the SA center. I was so elated I wasn't very productive, although if I had had the focus, I would have been. At the SA center I got to voice my concern and confusion and worry about the future. About * am I doing? Studying? For what? What's realistic? what do I even want? What would make ME happy? We're going to talk more about that next session. It's very little about SA at that center. For me. It was in the beginning, but now we've sort of drifted away from it. I think I steered it away. And she's not steering it back, and I'm not urging. Maybe I should? I don't know. I don't even know how. Another one of the employees talked to me while I was waiting. She was incredible friendly. I like her. I asked her about how many SA victims come back into full time jobs. She said she believed most of them. And I can't help but wonder... How? How can I too reach that?

Friday:
Oh wow. First of all, TIRED! Second of all, I missed my bus and I feared I had to walk into the big auditorium after the lecture had started with all eyes on me. Needless to say I was stressed! I was even anxious and worried. I willed the bus to drive faster. To reach town quicker so I could run and magically be there only a couple of minutes late after they 've opened the door. I started freaking out on the bus, but then I calmed myself down. I reminded myself I didn't have to freak out. It wouldn't be the end of the world. People wouldn't really care. Maybe other people would be late. People are late all the time. It helped. And then I started becomign too calm. and I was like "no, no wait a moment! I need the stress! I need it so I can run to the lecture! I need the activation!" So I maintained it. And it worked. The bus was two minutes earlier in town, and that was all I needed. I found a seat, and the lecture began. It was so interessting. And ironically enough, it was about Stress. I love learning about it, and I've thought about it before, maybe stress is what I need to work in. Stress-mastering stuff. Helping others deal. Find a balance (I just have to find mine first I suppose). Then there was the study group. Here I am, a not-healthy person in a group with healthy (seemingly) people. About to embark on a group project together. And to hold presentations for a bunch of people I had to tell the group that I wont be doing any presentation. It was so incredible difficult. After I said it I dissociated. They didn't meet me with any dismay. Perhaps I told enough of why, and was firm enough? Who knows.

I was exhausted. My brain stopped working. My mind was barely present. And I had one more social obligation afterwards. I tried my best, but cut it short.
The week-end I've been a mess. I've barely been able to get out of bed. Never mind talk to people (my roommate). Just drained of all life really.

It was too much. Just simply that. Too much. 

Hi Sceal. Nice to see you again after the forum came back.  :wave:

I know what you're talking about. Doing things without a break. I've experienced that too. Not fun, if you ask me.

Monday : Good job on having a break with that friend of yours. Sometimes a lazy day is a way to regain your energy to be productive again, as well as a good act of self care.

Tuesday : There's this amazing feeling after doing something productive, huh? I can relate. Sorry you weren't able to be assertive with your friend — but you're still making progress.

Wednesday : I've dabbled in drawing before, and while it's not one of my main interests now, it sure is a lot of effort. There's something very difficult about drawing what you see, not what you think you see. I'm glad you figured out your perspectives and still have time to do so.

Thursday : Ah, that feeling when you're having a tough talk with someone and you get anxious about what they think. I had a talk like that earlier with a friend who had a tendency to be pushy with his ideas sometimes. I was nervous what he would think, but after I talked to him, he backed off a bit and we went back to normal.

I don't know about her, but your therapist sounds nice to me. From what I've seen, finding one right for you is often difficult for many of us. Maybe you've done well this time because you stopped trying to find the right perfect therapist who understood you perfectly, and began to create a situation where your therapist can understand you better.

Friday : It's a satisfying feeling in every student's life when they're nearly late yet manage to get there in time. Reminds me of the cliche where in every school life anime, there's always a scene where a main character is running late. Guess all kinds of people experience it.

Interesting is a good thing. And often it's not as much "work" when something is interesting. Some people end up in places where they don't learn what they're most passionate about, but you have one here.

I'm sorry your brain got foggy and you got exhausted. I know what it's like to care about achievement all the time — adding all the pressure to my own stress.

It's good that you took a break. You've had one long week full of progress. Take care, now.

holy shmoley, sceal - just reading about what you did all week wore me out!  no wonder you're a mess for the weekend.  every other day that week was crammed full to brimming with things to do.   i'm glad you at least postponed one thing and cut another short.  and you can work on letting someone know that it's time for you to get your beauty sleep - it's important, after all.  can knock our circadian rhythms all out of whack.

even tho your t didn't read your letter, it sounds like she guided you thru it really well.  it also sounded a lot like trauma therapy to me, like she'd already started it.  set the foundation.  helping you establish a relationship with her that you can trust.  assisting you when you lost focus or got foggy.  all of that is part of trauma therapy, and you came out of it feeling good. 

so, it sounds like she will simply be doing more of the same with you as you continue to explore and challenge yourself, all the while standing beside you, guiding you when you get stuck or confused.  you've already started and know what to expect.  i think that's a good thing.

as far as veering away from the sa in that group, it may be where you need to go right now.  may i suggest you trust yourself, your gut, your instincts on this?  you'll know when it's time to veer back because it'll be time for you to do so.  for now, it sounds like maybe there are other things that also need your attention, and you may have needed a break from the heavy stuff.  you're aware, and that's a big step.

i give you all credit, sceal, for exploring, learning about you, being willing to take on the hard stuff in a different way than you thought you would.  i do agree with your t about taking a day for yourself along the way.  yes, i've had that same problem, didn't stop till i crashed, and then was useless for days.  it's a balancing act we all have to find for ourselves.  i've learned to listen for that little 'ding' inside that tells me i've pushed enough, and if i push any more i will be in trouble.  you'll find your own 'ding' if you listen for it.

you're making me smile.  warrior spirit is oozing out of you on all sides.  loving, warm hug to you, my dear.

Hi Sceal, I haven't read your latest entry in your Journal, but I saw that SanMagic commented that you'd been through a 'lot' and I just wanted to wish you well and give you a  :hug: - I hope to read your Journal another day, but for today, I just wanted to say 'Hi' and wish you well.
Hope  :)

@Rocket, Nice to see you again too! :)

It takes me a while to get back up on my feet again after such a week. I'm still having a "hangover", but I am getting there.
I do like being active, and I like having things to do. But I have to admit I really do need my down-time too. Being an introvert at heart, and then have the mental stuff on top. It makes it difficult for finding a balance of how much is too much?

@San,
I am glad to see you're back. I've thought about you frequently during your time off.
I do hope I make more progress than I did during last session with T, otherwise we'll never get through it all. if I am to break out above the tolerance window everything something hard gets discussed. It just takes me so long to get back down inside the tolerance window.
And I find it so strange that it's so much more intensified when I'm at her office, than when I'm with other people. I suppose, because I don't really talk about THAT with others, actually, I don't even talk to her about it either. But I want and need that to change.
I have to be brave, and I have to somehow work around the voices telling me "No, don't you dare talk about it".

So much mental energy!

@Hope,
Don't worry about it. It's a looong entry. :) It's not that it was anything bad that I was going through, it was just a very exhausting week with alot to process and no time to do so.  :hug: Thank you for coming by and saying hi, I apprechiate it so much :)

take your time, sceal.  the day will come when you'll be ready to make the next leap, and it will happen.  you don't have to push yourself if you don't want to.  it really does take a lot of energy, so i hope you can give yourself some time for healing and getting back to your tolerance level. 

sometimes i think of this work like weightlifting.  when we lift weights, we make microscopic tears in our muscles.  that's why we need to rest that muscle group at least a day or two to give it time to repair those tears, which is what makes our muscles stronger.

after the resting period, we do it again, increasing the weights or the reps, and creating those tiny tears again.  and, the cycle must continue the same way - a day or two of rest for those tears to heal, mend, and consequently make those muscles even stronger. 

actually, the weightlifting analogy just came to me, but it seemed to calm me somewhat while writing it.  still, that rest period is crucial for our muscles (be they physical, emotional, or mental) to have the time to repair themselves so that they can get stronger.   lift, tear, rest, repair, and repeat.  maybe i stumbled on a physical metaphor for emotional wound work.  it makes sense to me.

i hope it makes sense to you.   big warm loving hug to you, sceal.  give yourself time - you've been lifting some heavy weights. 

It's just that I am impatient. And I can feel that the time is running away from me. I know that's silly, because technically I'm still young. I'm 31. But starting education at 30, and not even full time. it'll make my education and future possible jobs delayed by nearly 10 years. Very few people at the age of 40 gets a new job without prior experience in my country.  So I worry that I don't have all the time that I need. Yet, I am starting to move towards a different view of things.

Perhaps getting a degree in a respectable manner isn't the most important thing after recovery. Perhaps I could be happy with something simpler. Something that doesn't drain all of my energy.  But then again, I am reminded that I really do love learning about psychology and being at the lectures. and that I really do want to help people.
I find it difficult to balance.

Which in a way, makes it difficult for me to balance therapy too. Push myself enough, too little, or too much. When is too much? How much downtime should I allow myself? So many questions. It's hard to figure them out.
Though I do love your analogy of breaking down tissues within the muscles and building it back up during the rest-period. Very interessting line of thought! I will have to ponder more on it!  Thank you, dear *big hug*

----

Yesterday I finally managed to sell some parts of my diving equipment. I got it for FAR less than it's worth, and less than I wanted originally. But I've tried to sell it for roughly 5 months now, and no luck. I had another offer, but I declined it. It was too low. I got less now, but I got more equipment left that I can sell.

Unfortunatedly he got more equipment with him than I intended. I had put it forth so that I could perhaps try and tempt him to buy it too. But he assumed it was part of the deal.. And I wasn't able to say no. Ah well.

I am both trying to covery my financial loss. But the equipment itself holds a big emotional toil for me. It's a daily reminder of people who didn't treat me well. Regardless if they intended to treat me well at times, most of the time they were manipulating and grooming me. I don't want that daily reminder. I'm done with them. I've moved on. So it feels good to get rid of some of the bigger items. And also, it takes up alot of space, and I don't have much space.

I am trying to throw out stuff that I haven't used in years, or ever used. Or intend to use again. You know, that STUFF that we tend to accumulate through just living. Gifts, souvenirs, things you picked up on a sale sometime. Stuff you never use, and forget you even own. That sort of stuff. I want it gone. I sort of do this a few times a year. And it's amazing how much new stuff I find to throw away.
I must either have missed it the other rounds or thought "Meeeh... MAYBE I'll use it... " or "Memories!!", I've come to the conclusion though, I don't need all the memories. And I don't need all the memorabilia that I NEVER look at anyway.

I do have a Treasure box. Actually, it's an old shoe-box. But I've filled it with cards, and post-cards, and pictures, and small souvenirs from good memories and trips. Sometimes I look through it. Just to keep it in memory, you know? (And hopefully, if I one day get Alzheimers or Dementia... It's those memories I'll remember.. Not the awful ones. I'll admit... tbh, that is my biggest fear with growing older. Not dying or being sick. But being stuck in old, painful, horrible memories)

I hadn't recovered enough from last week.
I did too much yesterday.
I'm back down to feeling like an oozing zombie slug.

Since some of my old posts weren't moved over, I thought I'd just give a summery of how I am actually doing.

It's been a very interessting time lately. I've noticed, accepted and acknowledged my own progress. I think my depression sort of faded away as I did so as well.

I stayed strong, and didn't give up on getting my tent back. I held my ground, even though it was only one-way communication. And in aftermath, I do not mourn the loss of the friendship we had. It's a bummer, but I am doing better without leaning on someone who didn't respect me, and who would expect me to do favours for her, without doing any in return.

I managed to sell some of my diving equipment which I connect with my last rapist and his wife. I'm not rid of it all, but I got some of the bigger items out of my home, and it's a relief. Even if I had a big financial loss.

I managed to say in a group full of strangers at uni, that I will not undertake any of the talks that we are urged to do infront of 100 odd people from the class, and they accepted me setting the boundary for myself. Without asking questions, or saying things like "You can do it!". I know I can, if I have to. But it will be too high a price to pay. So I said no. Without freaking out.

I am more active and participating more in group therapy. I don't run out. And I don't let this other girl affect me anymore. She's a neusance, and I think she's exaggerating her issues. She do have issues. I have no idea what she's been through, and I'll be honest. I don't want to know. She's demanding, and if she doesn't get what she wants she gets pissy. And it affects the entire group.

I FINALLY went to beginners course in cuban salsa. Which is a very sensual dance, and a place where most of the guys present are there to pick up girls (hopefully in their minds). So I'll have to allow strangers touch me, without flinching or running away. And I had the most wonderful time! It was scary at first. Anxiety reared it's ugly head for half a minute, and then it left. That in itself is quite puzzling.

I've been drinking, I invited a few friends out to drink. Which is very unlike me. And the one who knows me the best from the past year, is suspecting I'm well on my way into a hypo-manic phase. I sleep less, and I eat less regularily (although the choice of food has been crap). And I have more plans to fill my days.
Once DBT ends, I'm going to join another group. I signed up for a research project, I am going to go dancing at least twice a week. I am seriously considering buying a ticket somewhere and just go off on my own. In April. Somewhere warm and sunny. Maybe portugal? I am starting a dungeons and dragons group. I have joined another. I still have my studies to do!

My shame is less, my anxiety is less. my sadness is overall less. And the strangest thing happen the other day. I lay awake in bed, and I fully believed in myself. I truly do believe in myself. I felt for the first time in my life that I deserve being happy, and having a great time.  I'm not even stressed about my economy.

I can't help wondering... Is this just who I am. Who I am, outside of my trauma's and struggles? If so, I kind of like it. I can work towards this person.
I don't recognize myself, it feels surreal, wonderful, and weird. I can't really describe it.
I'm in two minds about wether I should tell my T next week.. or if I should just see for how long it lasts.

Or maybe my friend is right, I'm heading straight for a hypo-mania. I'm in two minds about that too. It'd be wonderful to have that natural rush again. But I know I did alot of stupid, regretful things that ultimatedly ended up me being in the perfect place of being abused, manipulated and raped last time I was hypomanic.

I am not worried. I don't feel concerned. Just curious. Explorative.
What did I do, what happened, what changed?  To make me come to this place.

(Feel free to copy and paste entries from your journal on the old site to here! )

Quote from: Three Roses on February 04, 2018, 12:11:55 AM
(Feel free to copy and paste entries from your journal on the old site to here! )

Thank you, Three Roses, but I don't feel I need to. :)

I'm a little uncomfortable with emotions right now so I can't say something that warm now. But I just want to say that I've listened to all that, and wish you the best.

Well, see you.

Quote from: DecimalRocket on February 04, 2018, 10:47:28 AM
I'm a little uncomfortable with emotions right now so I can't say something that warm now. But I just want to say that I've listened to all that, and wish you the best.

Well, see you.

Thank you Rocket! I apprechiate it! :) And I hope the days will get better for you real soon!

dearest sceal, i think that all you've accomplished, all you're beginning, is wonderful.  is it hypomanic?  i don't know.  but i do believe that the fact that you're aware of the possibility is something in your favor.  that awareness can help you avoid some of the mistakes you may have made in the past.

i don't think it's a bad idea to tell your t about this.  it gives 2 pairs of eyes watching out for you. 

i know people who have enrolled in salsa classes, and they have loved it.  i haven't heard any complaints about sexually abusing people or taking advantage.  dancing can be very intimate, and latin dancing of all kinds can be sexually charged, but boundaries are still allowed.  if you're not comfortable with something, you have the right to speak up.

i do think it can be a positive way to get used to touch.   it's also wonderful exercise.  i'm a dance fan myself, even by myself when i'm so moved, in my little room.  congrats on going for this, sceal.  really.  so very cool.  big hug filled with excitement and love and adventure.  and congrats on putting out those boundaries in group.  my my, look at you!

I feel much calmer today. The energy isn't buzzing anymore. But, I'm still feeling overall good. There are just minor things that bugs me right now. Like... All the crap in the appartment I can't make myself get rid of. But it looks so cluttered. But it's just.. it's nothing. And I laugh at myself for being bothered by it. It doesn't matter!

I do wish I had motivation to actually study. My exam is 3 weeks away, and it's a 50% chance of flunking. And I'm not even halfway through the material, eventhough I've been reading steadily since end of november. Ah well. I'll try. I'm moderatedly stressed about it. But nothing near crippling what I usually get. So that too is new.

I don't think I'm hypomanic. At least not yet. I'll consider bringing it up on Tuesday's session.

And maybe you're right, San. It's a positive way to get used to being touched. I do struggle with holding eye contacts. It too seems very intimate. so I just pretend I'm being overly focused on counting. :D Because I don't know where too look.

since you're putting yourself out there as far as touch goes, i don't doubt that, with practice, you'll eventually become more comfortable with eye contact as well.  take your time, sceal.   your pace, your recovery.  it'll all come full circle in its time, not to worry.

same with your clutter.  when you're ready to have it gone, it will go.  i have faith, so i'm sending you a loving hug filled with it as well.

 :hug:

Hi Sceal,
I just read your last entry to your diary, and I wanted to wish you the best with your studies - as I know you've got a few weeks left.  I find it hard to motivate myself to do things too - I often get concerned with clutter, but like you say, what does it matter really?  I always have some clutter to clear up, and some times I feel like it, and othertimes I think - I can't do it. 

Just wanted to say 'hi' and also extend a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  It's great to be back in the forum again, and I wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and wish you well for a good day and week ahead.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope! Good to see you! A hug from you is always welcome  :hug:

And it's right! It's about 2.5 week left with exam prep. And I'm nowhere near ready, not even half-way. But I will attempt it this time, and if I fail, well.. I'll re-take it. but I hope I pass. Because I am sick and tired of these books!  :(

sometimes that's the best motivation, isn't it?  sick and tired of these books.  sending a hug filled with determination and study power!!!

I wish it was so San, I do hope I don't have to open them again and study them after the 26th.. But I fear I must. still, I'll take a month break from them if that happens. It wont be the end of the world if I fail. I can re-take the exam. But it'll be a kick in the chest.
It'll be a reminder that I'm not good enough, or doesn't work hard enough.
Hopefully the healthy part of my brain will remind me that I've gone through alot the last year, it doesn't matter what other people think. They haven't been here. I have worked hard enough. I have.

Now... I just have to believe it too! :P  right now, I'm so tired and grumpy it all feel kind of hopeless and pointless.

Of course you work hard Sceal! I've always seen you trying to do your absolute best in things, and I'll keep believing that, even if you fail. If you weren't failing at all, it won't be called hard work, would it?

:hug:

Aww Rocket! Just what I needed to hear today! Thank you so so much!
----

I had my session with my T today. The first thing she asks me is "are you hypomanic?" I thought that a little odd. I knew she'd notice that my shame score and sadness score was lower than it has been and my happiness score has gone up. She pointed out I'd slept less.
Yet, there was no reason for her to ask so early in the session. I have to ask my friend if he called her and left a notice. As he had brought it up to me earlier last week. It's not that I wasn't honest with her, but I was so unprepared. That I might not given her a full picture of my current state of mind. I don't think I am hypomanic though, and I neither does she. At least not from the information I gave her.

The session was odd and unstructured. We talked about my emotions again and how it felt in my body at the time and whether I could recall the sensations. To a small degree I did. We talked about curiosity and excitement of learning. She sidetracked and said there is need for mindfulness coaches, when I said I'd like to work with stress.

She felt the session went poorly, but to be honest. I felt it was good. It gave me practice for recognising sensations inside my body. It's a strange relationship. And it feels odd, but it also makes me feel... Curious to see where this is going. It's fascinating I suppose.
She also gave me the drive to want to read towards this annoying exam.

 :cheer: keep up the good work! We're cheering you on, Sceal.

funny how one person's perspective can be completely different from the other's, even in therapy.  sounds like it was very productive for you no matter what she thought. 

wishing you the best with your studying.  of course, i hope you pass and can be done with it, but i also recognize, like you said, that you have been thru an awful lot this year, have made such tremendous strides in recovery, and that takes a lot of work, a ton of energy, too.  as long as you have the option to retake it, i hope that takes some of the pressure off.  when i read that, it felt good to me.

sending a hug filled with love and encouragement, and the truth that we all fail at things sometimes, but it doesn't mean we're failures.   it just means we're human.

Thank you both for believing in me and cheering me on!

I am hoping that I'm not too careless, since I do have the option to re-take the exam. And that I'm not fooling myself with this optimisim I'm currently carrying around. I mean, I hope it's real, and not just a shield. I'm too in-experienced in this to know the difference to be honest.
But I will enjoy it as much as possible. As it is still fragile, I will probably avoid reading too many journals right now. But I am thinking of you. Sending you my caring vibes and hope you guys too will get to this stage where I'm at now.

Tomorrow I leave for the capitol. I'm meeting a friend who comes from a different country and lives in a third. I haven't seen her for some years now, and when she said she's here for a concert I jumped on the chance to hang out with her. It's a long travel time for me. 7 hours, and before that I have group session. The people we're staying with got some sort of nasty cold. I hope my immune system is up to dealing with it.
As we know, by default people who suffer with cPTSD has a compromised immune system. And also, when being sick we don't deal too well with stress and emotional factors. Finger crossed!
I need a little more time to enjoy this, please!

fingers absolutely crossed - you deserve to continue to enjoy this feeling, enjoy being with your friend, and just have some good old-fashioned down time.  wishing you the very best time.  big hug.

I am sitting on the train on the way back home. It was a lovely time. I got to spend time with my friend whom I've known for 12 years now. We rarely get to see each other as we live in different countries. Not even the same continent.

We were geeky together and I have missed that.

I was super excited going to the capital. But once I got there I didn't feel much at all. It wasn't bad. I wasn't sad. And I wasn't stressed about money.  I consider that a win.
-----TW------
But last night I had a terrible, terrible dream. JE was pissed at me, and kept following me around. And I didn't dare confront him. I wanted him to leave me alone. To understand he couldn't force me anymore. That he couldn't get what he wanted. And then he started demanding money instead..he felt I owed him money since I wouldn't let him take advantage of me and manipulate me to have sex. And I had to manage this situation while being around other people and not letting them know what was going on.

Luckily it was just a nightmare. But I can't let go of the fear. I suppose it's not strange, considering I am heading back home to the vicinity where he too lives.

Back to daily life.

The trip did me some good. I spent far too much money than I intended, but at the same time. I wasn't overly stressed about the consumption. Not sure how to think about that.

Went to the GP today. She said I look well, and that it was nice to see me more relaxed. And that she find me interessting and peculiar. She's such a cute lady. I like her. She always takes me serious when I ask about something. No question is too silly. Or at least it doesn't show! Which I am grateful for.

Back to my T tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. Then I get to see my old GP again too, a control for my allergies (he changed specilization). It's a trigger to travel up there. but I think I'll travel a different route tomorrow if I'm able to. He also went in the same class and grew up with my former abuser. Although he doesn't know it's him.

I haven't been very active here lately.
It's a mixture of wanting to protect myself, to try and focus more on progress and positive moments. I am a HSP, so I get very easily affected by people's wounds, struggles and heartbreak. And I want to be there for them so badly, and I tend to take people's worries ontop of my own. So I just had to protect myself a little. But I've been thinking of you guys.

The mini-vacation to the capitol was spent with a couple who had been sick, and was slowly recovering from a really nasty cold that had knocked them right out. And sunday and monday I was around babies who had just recovered from a cold as well. So I am not surprised that upon waking up today I'm feeling run down. My chest is achy, it feels tight, coarse and itchy. I have a dry cough. And my ears are bothering me. I don't have a fever. I just hope that it wont progress to bronchitis. That is what usually happens, and it tends to knock me out for a very long time as I'm allergic to most antibiotics.
It of course doesn't help that I have exam stress ontop of my shoulders.

I'm not feeling sad, or upset.  I am stressed, worried and my mind is full of self-judgemental talk and dissapointments. But not to the degree which I cannot handle. I guess I am more able to remain within wisemind these days than I've ever been before. I can sense the emotions, I know they are there. But they aren't controlling me or overwhelming me. My rational mind is a bit sluggish due to feeling run down. I find it very interessting this devellopment. And I hope it will continue this way, onwards rather than one step forward and two back.

I took some blood samples yesterday at the GP's office. I suspect I have vitamin deficiency again. My vitamin b12 was borderline in august. So I found it interessting this other thread about vitamin b12 that was on the forum. I didn't join in, I guess because I felt it wouldn't be suitable. I have some knowledge due to working health care, about the affects of vitamin d and b12, on the body and mental health in general. Trauma-wise or not.

i'm so glad that overall your trip was a good one for you.

the first thought that came to my mind about your nightmare was that it showed a fighting spirit coming to the fore.  you no longer were going to let him have his way, not when he came at you directly or by manipulation.  i understand that it was frightening in that it was your abuser, but you stood up to him.  i think you're regaining some strength, and your subconscious was letting you know that.

i'd like to know what you know about vit. d and b12 cuz i include both in my daily vit. regimen.  i'd read that d helps the body absorb calcium, which at my age is important to keep my bones as strong as possible.  and i thought b complex vit. helped nervous system, brain, and muscles.  maybe i got bad info, but speaking about my bones to my doc, he mentioned, too, that it's important i take them all, as well as calcium.

anyway, sorry you're feeling under the weather.  i know that doesn't help when you're already fighting to study for your exam.  here's hoping for a speedy recovery and that it doesn't get any worse.

i completely relate to being pushed under at times by the pain here of others.  i have to take breaks at times because of it, too.  just the way it is, i guess.

keep taking care of you, dear sceal.  you're wonderful.   love and a big, healing hug.

Maybe you're right san. In T today we talked about my nightmare. And she asked me what I would have done differently if I could have, in my dream. and I told her I would have told him to back off much more clearly and desisively so there would be no room for him to manouver. And then I'd leave.  But it's not realistic that I'd do that in real life. It really isn't.  Both because he terrifies me, and because I am troubled by what he would do. and what his family would do. So it's better still for me to keep quiet and run away as fast as possible if I run into them.  I suppose it's soon time for me to figure out how to actually handle that situation when I eventually run into them again, because I will. my city is that small.

Vitamin D, does as you say promote calcium  absorption. It also reduces inflammation (which I am sure many of us suffer from due to being so tense so much of the time, and being in alert mode will also put a strain on the tendons and the muscles).  It promotes bone and cell growth. If you got deficiency your cognitive skills may suffer and you may have unexplained tiredness/fatigue, muscle fatigue and it's easier to get broken bones. It impairs your immune system, so you'll have a higher chance of getting all sorts of infections, and it may also cause to insulin resistence (which is a problem that usually diabetics deal with)
The best source of vitamin D is the sun. So for those of us who live in a climate where the sun barely shines during winter months, it's very important to get out in daylight, even if it's cloudy, to just get some. People with dark skin also have a higher chance of having vitamin D deficiency due to their skin. And a fun fact: Natural redheads produce their own vitamin D.

Vitamin B12 does alot of stuff too. And as we age and become 65+ (depending on diet, I think) the absorbation of vitamin b12 lowers, and it's quite common that the elderly gets a shot of b12 every 3 months. (Personally I prefer the shots to taking more pills everyday, I also feel the shot is more effective, but that's me!) So B12 helps with your DNA, and it helps creating new red blood cells. It helps the brain, and as you say the neurological system. If you have too low vitamin b12, also called cobalamin, you'll more than likely be anemic. As it has to do with the metabolic system of the cells.
Vitamin b12 deficiency can cause foggyness of the mind, depression, fatigue, memory problems. It may also cause loss of apetite and constipation. As well as other things.

As for how much you should take each day? Well, the doctors doesn't quite seem to agree with eachother as to where the lower limit is. But also the lower limit is also just a generalized estimate. It may be that your lower limit is actually lower... or higher. There's no way to know for sure on this part. But, as with all vitamins and suppliments... Do consult your doctor! Especially if you take multivitamins together with extra supplements... Because things might overlap, and you'll end up getting too much.
Getting too much or too little of almost everything is never good.

thanks for the info, sceal.  i appreciate it.

running away can be a survival technique in itself.  surviving doesn't always mean confrontation.  and the strength i spoke of could also be the strength to recognize the danger and get yourself out of the way, something you weren't able to do before for whatever reason.  that's not to say you weren't strong before, but that other factors kept you in a more passive position to accept the abuse.

so, no matter what you might do in real life, i still think your dream is one of progress.  it said that you will not accept the abuse anymore, and that you can recognize the manipulation for what it truly is - trying to use guilt by blaming you, making you feel responsible for the abuser's feelings so that you'll do what your abuser wants.  my opinion, of course.

well done, my dear.  you're getting there!  love and hugs

That's interesting info Sceal. I've been researching into health lately myself - now that my motor delays are more handled for less frustrating exercise and my taste oversensitivity isn't making me throw up new food easily as much. So thanks for all that.

Interesting how dreams tell us so much about ourselves. There are dream guides out there, but the most reliable seem to be when you define the symbols of the dream yourself. It reminds me of that time I lucid dreamed once - where I was aware that I was in a dream.  People say it's a myth, but I've tried and seen it for myself, and I trust first hand info more than anything. I'm not advanced, but apparently being lucid allows you to control a dream to question characters what they represent in your psyche and control nightmares to something good. Wonder if that's true?

Well, take care, Sceal. :hug:

I don't put too much into dream-analysis to be honest. If you're to believe Freud then everything in dreamland is about unfulfilled sex urges, and he was the first to put the importance on dreams whereas psychology is concerned.
I remember most of my dreams. I can still recall dreams I had as a child quite vividly, mostly the good ones. The nightmares I tend to forget after a week or two. Although most of my dreams are rather abstract like most people's they tend to have a theme that's recognizeable to me, and it just makes sense.
The nightmares bothers me more, simply because you wake up with a feeling of dread or awfulness. And it's never a good way to start any day.

I've had one or two incidents though, where I've been completly paralyzed physically, and asleep. But still aware of what's been going on around me. I suspect I was trapped in REM like stage. As the REM-stage of sleep paralyzes your muscles. I fell asleep during a skype call once, and I could hear the conversation on the other end in a different language than mine (that I could understand) and I was having trouble connecting their conversation to my reality (which is not a big surprise, because I wasn't involved :P) I've also had dreams that are so incredible lifelike that when I wake up, I have no idea whether it was real or if it was a dream. Those dreams are creepy as *. :D

I am happy to help with health-information. I'm quite fond of the subject of health. I find it interessting and important. We all have it, so we should all try to take care of it to the best of our ability and knowledge if possible. I think health (be it mental or physical) is one of my top 3 values in life.
----

Group went alright today. I had cancelled due to the fact I'm a little under the weather. But when I woke up this morning, I was feeling well enough to go. The mindfulness tasks were rather nice today. It reminded me that I should try to lessen the judgemental thoughts in regards to the oncoming exam, and try to lessen the disspointment I have within me.
We talked alot about emotions today. About how it reacts within the system, and then also about shame and happiness. It was quite nice. And it inspired me more to stop and look within to see what is it that I am actually feeling? Something that I've been averse to doing most of my life because I haven't quite been able to handle it.
There is a girl in group, a new one, and she's very reflective around her thoughts, emotions and her processes. She seems to have come so much further than the rest of us has. It's fascinating, and I wish I had more time in group with her before my time is up. Because I learn from her way of thinking so much. It's inspiring. She's thoughtful and deliberate.

I saw my T yesterday. She gave me a compliment of saying that she thinks I'm very strong cognitively. It means alot to me. Because it's the one trait I hope and try to achieve. I'm not overly smart and clever, I take my time in understanding. But once I do, I connect it to all sorts of other areas in life.  It felt wonderful to hear her say it, because it means alot.

I also saw my old GP yesterday, he is now my specializt in ear, nose, throat - and is treating all of my allergies and asthma. I've known him for 14 years now, and he has been there for me through the roughest parts of my life. And I will forver be grateful to him. He too was showering me with compliments yesterday. It was nice. It felt good talking to him again. It'll be a year until I see him again, unless something happens health wise.

My M told me today that she's on new anti-depressants. My S had told her a while ago that she doesn't smile anymore, and that had struck a chord with her. And I told my M on the phone today that we've been rather worried, but unsure of how to handle it. She's also eventually going to get a referral to a therapist. It's 5 years late, but at least... it might actually be happening this time. I hope so, for her sake. And for the rest of the family.

sounds like things are moving right along for you, sceal, and i'm so glad.  cognitive strength - i totally see that.   and it's always nice to have someone in the group like that for inspiration.  i think it can urge us on, a sort of motivation, to take an extra risk or two at times.

i've read about sleep paralysis - it's a thing - but i don't remember anything about what i read.  it sounds like it would feel so weird to be stuck in such a place like that.

keep going, my dear sceal.  i think you're doing really well.  and, always, good luck with studying.  warm loving hug to you filled with retention abilities for you exam.

Thank you San, for being so supportive. And for always cheering me on. It means a lot!

Hi Sceal. It's okay for you to be honest against me— it's great you're forming your own opinion. I'm not talking about Freud and his sexual ideas or even a psychology perspective on dreams. I was talking about how business people and artists use their dreams as inspiration to find solutions in their businesses or creativity in their arts.

I do the same thing with solving problems in my life — as multilple biographies and advice books on it point to its ability to do so in life. Something about the lack of logic in dreams allow for a new angle in perspective when you pretend that your dreams are chosen symbols to think of ideas. But if you still think otherwise — I respect that. :)

Sceal, I'm glad to hear you're doing great with your therapist and other people on by. Especially since you seemed to lack trust with people.

I agree that you have something going cognitively there. There are genuises out there with IQs over 150 working as cashiers on Mcdonalds because even if they are smart, they put no effort into using it. Intelligence to me — requires effort — which I'm pretty sure you have, and brains can become smarter over time with practice.

Take care, Sceal. You're doing great.  :hug:

Rocket, thank you for allowing me to be honest! It's a big thing.
I will reply to you in full in a couple of days.

Thursday I was so bone tired when I got home. I sorted some papers so I can apply to get refunded for my health expanses last year. And I cut my hair. Sitting in the hairdressers chair is always awful. I can't hide from the bright light. And I always sit awkwardly in the chair. But a new cut was needed.
If I put on my glasses now I look like Welma from Scooby-Doo. Which the geeky side of me finds funny. But my cut is now accidentally close to my mom's. And I really, really don't like that. It's very silly, I know but I can't help it.

I had an appointment at the SA center yesterday too. It wasn't very productive. I think that's because I have now come to the place where I have to take charge of the conversations. the topics and all. And I am in a bubble right now... So I don't know what to do, what to focus on. I don't know how to move forward. Maybe I am without knowing...?

I could barely stand up right when I got home yesterday. And the thought of waking up at 530 to reach uni was daunting and not very welcoming.

But I did it. Sleep was okay. It was replenishing enough. But I had little to no focus in today's lecture.  And after lecture and group work I fled to the countryside. I'm at my parents cabin. Alone.

I am going to spend time studying for my exam. Starting tomorrow. I am still weak physically, mentally and spiritually today.
I feel vulnerable, and not the good kind

Hi Sceal. It seems you're having a tough time. Mind I give you some study advice on why breaks are actually good for studying?

In the free online course, Learning How to Learn, they distinguish between a focused and diffuse mode. Focused mode is when a student actively tries to learn something. Diffuse mode is when they take a general mental break and relax.

The focused mode is seen as essential, but the diffuse mode is too. The diffuse mode allows the mind's subconscious to reorganize the information to become more clear. That's why after a break of things being too hard— many students find that the info or problem becomes more clear to them.
And of course — sleep is the most powerful form of diffuse mode there is.

Well, hope you can rest.  :hug:

Thank you Rocket. It was a nice reminder. It took me quite a few hours yesterday, but I manage to get some work done. Enough that I needed. That was realistic of me to achieve.

I have discovered a fault that I have. And perhaps part of the reason why it doesn't stick. It's that once I am done reading a section or a chapter I don't stop and ponder what it all means. I don't stop to put meaning to it in my mind. And I don't stop to retell myself what I just read and learned. Because it requires so much brain power, and it takes so much time.

But me stressing over how little I am able to process and read also require brain power.
So I somehow have to learn to allow myself to read shorter sections and sit with it for a few minutes before returning or taking a break.

I just wonder... Is it too late to start with this now, a week before the exam?

sceal, i don't think it's ever too late.  it might be just the right time, actually.  i'd encourage you to give it a shot for a day or two, see if it makes a difference.  nothing's written in stone with this stuff - i think most of it is experimental, cuz we're exploring options to see what works best for ourselves. 

one week, huh.  fingers crossed and prayers flying.  you're making progress.  love and a warm hug to you, sweetie.

 :hug:

I got my exam in a week now. And I'm not as scared or stressed as I should be. I wonder if that is because I've used what they call «radical accept» in DBT in regards to this situation. I don't have very much hope that I will pass, I'm fairly certain that I will flunk. Simply explained there are 16 broad topics I need to know in bredth and debth. I know maybe 5. And I'm not so sure I got the academic skills to explain myself either.  It feels as if I need both to learn my own language all over again, as well as learning my academic subjects. It's a challenge that's a little too steep for me, and I catch myself in wondering if I am going to manage it all. Realistically. And then I sometimes wonder, what if I just #¤%# realistically and just try anyway? For a long time now I've had no clue where I'm going, or what I am even doing. But I think I might have a little direction now. But I'll get back to that.

So, since it's my exam in a week. I borrowed my moms car and drove out to the cabin alone. It's situated on an archipelagio of islands outside my city. It's a section of the island where there's a bunch of cabins. I actually don't know how many cabins there are. There seems to be little activty here this week-end. I saw a few people earlier today when I went for a walk in the fresh salty cold air. Three guys who's been out fishing. Two joggers, two people one different cabin-section, and I could hear the voices of two children. But it's Sunday as I write this, and they probably have all driven home for the week to start by now.  There is no light pollution here. And the darkness in the night it's deep. The only sound I hear is that of the wind and the waves of the ocean, and the rain when it hits. I have only been afraid of the dark a few times in my life, and most of those times it wasn't the dark that scared me, or what was hiding in it. But the fact I had to sleep, and would then be defenceless. But today, I do feel a little of the fear of the dark. It really is difficult to describe how dark it is when there is NO light pollution. The only light there is, is that which I've turned on inside the cabin. My ex thought it was super frightening when he was with me out here. He didn't like it at all. I've grown up on the outskirts of town, so I'm used to it being dark. But there was always the streetlamps, or the lamps outside the houses, however dim.

I needed to come out here for more reasons than I thought. I was a little worried when I drove out here, last time I was here I got drunk alone on gin and got a terrible EF and became extremely suicidal. I was worried something similar were to happen again. But it hasn't. Instead, it's given me some understanding. I'm still restless, I feel like I should do alot of things. I feel I should have read more, made better notes. I should have read in the other book, hiked more. I should have eaten less crap, spent less money. And the guilt is eating me up. But at the same time... I have done what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. If I wanted to read a book out of enjoyment, I did that. If I wanted to look at the stars I did that. If I wanted to take a nap, I did that too. And if I wanted to study... I did. And for that there was no guilt. It was... different. I wish I could stay here longer, but I'll have to go home tomorrow evening as I have an appointment with my T on Tuesday morning.

I've spent alot of money this month. And we're only 18 days in. I've spent all my money, and usually I can save a fair bit. And I still need to spend some money. It worries me, this excess use of money I've been getting used to. And at the same time, I am so worn out by constantly worrying about the financials. Constantly monitoring what I've been buying. And constantly avoiding to buy things for me, that I enjoy. Like books. I haven't bought books for pleasure for years. And it hurts.

So back to the first paragraph a bit. I know I wrote about a month ago that I want to have some meaning with my life. I need a purpose for my work-life. I need to help people. Somehow.
I think I've figured out the start of where to begin. I still have a lot to figure out, but it's exciting. And I need to figure out wether once I'm done with my education if someone would hire me part-time for this kind of work. But I feel hope and a curiosity for the future. I can't see far yet. Truly I can't. I can only see a week in advance at a time. Which makes it hard to plan for anything, or to make any big goals and stepping stones towards it. But I hope that this is it, that this is what I'm supposed to do. It feels right, but then again... so did so many other things too and they weren't. So how do I really know? When will I know?

This became long, but I needed to write it out.
I don't know whom of my friends I can talk to about this yet. I feel quite alone in this aspect of socialness. And I long for someone that I could call and talk to about these matters. Maybe I'll find him or her soon.

P.S My lecturer said on Friday that the saying «time heal all wounds» is *. I felt relieved when he said that. That it in a way, is accepted by some, that time hasn't healed my wounds.

I haven't been able to study much the last two days. It bothers me a little, but I'll try and keep going anyway. 

I went to my T early this morning. It was a good conversation, she was a little worn and concerned from her previous patient. I saw who she had, and that girl was clearly struggling today. And I know she can be a handful to deal with.  We discussed emotions, I said I find it hard sometimes to know the simple nuances, or when they aren't so strong and intense. I can't always make out what I feel. She used herself as an example and admitted she was feeling a little concerned and sad. I didn't have to ask why, I guessed it had to do with her previous patient to do. We talked about how sometimes the physical activation that we feel in our bodies can be interpeted in different ways. And that the most recent theory on emotions says that the way we think and believe about the signals our body sends us is what makes us experience the emotion. It's a mouthfull, I know. But I think they might be on to something, perhaps not all the signals.. The activation for fear is drastically different to playful curiosity for example.

I told her about the gallery show, and she got very excited for me. I said I felt like I had achieved a little feeling of competence. She arrested me on that, "It's not alittle!", and she's right. I do feel wonderful about achieving it. I told her I hadn't worked towards perfection this time, but to finish something instead and send it in. Any endevours in art to be judged by others is quite vulnerable. But my mindset that it wasn't supposed to be technically awesome helped me I think. And I think it also is helping me enjoy this moment.

I asked her how the future looks like, in regards to trauma therapy. How does it work, how do we do it? What can I expect, and could we do something so I can prepare myself between each session, because that's the way I feel I get the most out of therapy. If I do something proactive rather than just spilling out the poison. I think she apprechiated me asking, and we talked about it for a while.
I admitted that I have a cunning ability to avoid the topics I fear or doesn't want to talk about. Because I don't know how, i don't know how to start, I don't know what to say. There are words I aren't able to utter, or even write down. And then it's the whole emotional aspect of it too. The shame, fear, guilt, sadness.. All of it.
We agreed that we'll have to keep in touch with my resources while working through this, and also be mindful of taking often breaks.
She asked me what I hope to achieve by this. And I told her most of it, I hadn't prepared for the question, so I wasn't able to fully answer her. I forgot to give her the answers of in the future being able to have intimate relationships again, and in general be able to have any relationship.

I felt great afterwards. Hopeful. A spring in my step! The day felt wonderful, despite poor sleep. I popped by the store and bought some tulips. One bouquet for me, and one for my mom. Drove up to her unexpectently and gave her the flowers. I told her it's becuase she's my mom, and because she asked for help. And because it's a nice day. She apprechiated that. We talked about various things. Lack of communication, relations to other family members. The terrorist attack that affected my family 5 years ago.
Scratching things on the surface. But perhaps it's progress in that too? Who knows!

my resting time is up, and I need to delve back into reading and writing notes about attitudes.

sceal, the progress you are making seems to be moving ahead in leaps and bounds.  it's so wonderful to see.

that cabin sounded so beautiful.  i love the dark, that total blackness with nothing but stars and moon in the sky.  it's a different kind of feeling surrounding one. 

kudos to you for persevering with your studying, for going ahead with your exam.  who knows what might happen?  you won't till you do it.   sometimes things will simply pop out of our minds when we need them.  i hope that happens for you.

and a big congrats on your gallery piece, even more on your attitude toward it. 

i also loved that you talked to your t about everything.  i know that some people here have used notes when they go into therapy if they're having a difficult time remembering or even saying something out loud.  it might be something that could help you with the words you have trouble saying.  just a thought.  you could talk about that with you t beforehand, too, what you're doing, why, and what you'd want from her about it.

good luck with learning, sceal.  sending a hug full of knowledge retention, and warm, loving, encouraging thoughts.

I have written to my T on numerous occasions before. Both my current one, and all of the ones in the past. Well, maybe not all of them. But at least 90%. :D
I do find the written word easier, perhaps because I got such a passion and love for stories and reading in general. Plus writing it down makes it real, but it also makes it more distant. There's not display of emotion if I've gotten it written down.

The words I'm having troubles with especially, is both written and vocal. Even thinking about them sets me out, it's about practise I suppose.

It's taken a long time to get to this stage where I can talk to my T, and I've worked really hard with myself. I've had to force myself to trust her, and to trust that she wants whats best for me. She's never openly judged me, or made me feel inferior in anyway. She's managed to engage my curiosity, which I think has helped alot with my communication with her. Processes do fascinate me.  But it hasn't been easy. And I still do feel that it's a fragile state that I am in, and I do still need support and acceptance from people around me. Here on the forum, as well as in my immediate circle of people. Just as much as I did before. Previously when I've faught and clawed myself into a good period, this is generally when people fade away. So I hope it wont happen too early this time around. Perhaps I'll have to somehow communicate that to my closest people. (even though they aren't that close)

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I went to bed around 21 yesterday. I was so worn. So I woke up at the first alarm.
I did some  note revision, and my head became mush. I went to the DBT group, we weren't many there today since 2 participants (and including two interpreters) as well as one group leader was missing. Caught the flu, I suspect. It's going around.

I managed to have two words with my T, she had to print out something for me, and I got to tell her about some more needs I have that  I should have told her yesterday. It felt good to be able to give her the info, she seemed to apprechiate being told.

I usually don't have a study day on Wednesday, due to group. But since Exam is on Monday, I feel I should. But this feeling of SHOULD is weighing hard down on me. The only one I'll dissapoint if I fail is me. But that's a heavy burden too. And it's a balance isn't it? Should I read a little everyday, forcing my head through it. Or should I take one full day of rest and come stronger back tomorrow. But a full day of rest, means a full day of rest WITHOUT the guilt. And I am currently feeling alot of guilt.
My exam fears have hit me hard now. It took some time, longer than usual. And I suspect I should be grateful for that, but I feel sick to my stomach now. Like it is the end of the world, and it makes no sense at all. It isn't the end of the world if I fail. It's not the end of the world if I do poorly. I can always re-take it. There are options! I keep trying to tell myself that, but the emotions wont go away.
And I'm exhausted. I'm whining, I know. But it helps elivate the pressure for a few moments at least. And that is more than nothing.

i don't think you're whining, dearest sceal.  exam pressure is a real thing - most anybody who's been faced with exams has felt it.  it makes us a bit wonky at times wondering if we did enough, do we need to do more, it'll never be enough, and, o yes, all the 'shoulds' that start showing their faces.

if i may suggest, slow down, count to 10, take a deep breath, and listen to what your gut is telling you.  let it help you make your decision.   it's getting close to being show time, and the pressure increases.

when i first went to college in my teens, studying usually meant an overniter.  when i went back to school in my 40's, that just wasn't an option anymore - i had a hub, kids, work that i was juggling.  studying took on a different face.  i had to adjust to how it would best work for me.

you're doing this.  whichever way it turns out, you'll deal with it.  i have faith in you, and i'm sending a hug filled with faith in yourself. 

Your reply made me calm down, thank you San!

I decided to cook dinner. I realized it was due time (and ate too much, but that's another thing for another day). I put on a youtube automatic play list of cello music. ( I love cello!) and someone was playing music from The Lord of the Rings. The music is so emotional in those movies. And I used to be a huuuge huuge fan (Think cosplaying and sleeping on the street in the middle of winter to for a week to get a ticket-kind of fan, and learning elvish kind of fan). But I "overdosed" on the books, on Tolkien, on the movies... So I haven't touched either for over 10 years. It felt like the right time. I put on the first movie, on the first disc. And watched the first disc while eating dinner.

It calmed my head, less swampy. And now I've had some energy to do some revision. Some brief meaningful revision. My voice hurts now from talking and reading out loud my notes. So I'm going to have a calming shower, and then pick up the history book and read until I fall asleep.

On second thoughts. I'm going to write some more...

I know it's pretty evident that I've progressed alot lately. Especially in the past month, I am sure it is evident for you here on the forum, as it is for the people around me. I'm more responsive, I am hopeful, I am joining in on things and events. And I suspect my body language and the way I speak also shows there's been a change. And my stress levels have reduced. And my smiles are more genuine, I am not sure if that is apparant to others, because I tend to smile and laugh. Even in therapy. It's been remarked upon on several occasions, it's not fake smiles. Because I don't force them - but they are a form of self-defence. To make myself more likeable and less socially threatening to the people around me. That's my theory anyway....

But, for the past month where my general mood has been lighter, my head has been more "turned on" or "activated cognitivey", and I've had less of lost time, I have silently waited. I keep checking my energy levels "oh, I'm tired, I'm worn out... Is the good time over now?" "Am I exhausted? When do I get exhausted? I should be exhausted by now. Why is it only my mind that's tirering?"  Like a constant check-up on internal damage and pain.
I have less intrusive thoughts too - or no, that's not really true. Like with my exam I  my thoughts can suddenly go from "What did I just read?" to "You're stupid. you're lazy, you aren't working hard enough. you don't deserve this." to "STOP! I don't want to deal with this". This is hard to explain, because it's not a self-validation, self-care or self-soothing kind of behaviour. It's avoidant. I am avoiding any thoughts, any emotion, any reflex and any external stimuli that's likely to cause me pain, hurt, fear, worry... It's like I'm in denial. Denial of my thoughts and my emotions. Does this make sense?

I am clinging to this good period so hard, that I think I am sacrificing something for it. I am pushing away emotions and I am pushing away thoughts. Am I then pushing away part of my identity? I suspect it's part of my avoidant personality disorder trait.
Unless this is me actively searching for something bad, or less than ideal symptom that I have - because this good period is doomed to last, and it's better not to fall too far? Is it self-destructive thought/defence behaviour?

I'm confused. And maybe I just shouldn't see a gift horse in the mouth? ( P.S that is a very weird saying...)

Hi Sceal,
I tried to write something coherent to you - here - but I had to delete it, as it didn't make any sense to me - but what I want to do for definite is give you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
I want to wish you the best for finding the answers you seek, and maybe if you don't find them, that you'll feel ok with whatever does come from your thoughts and your feelings.  (See, I don't think what I"m saying makes sense) - my apologies.
:hug:
Hope  :)

Well, I'm glad you're doing better. :) But that doubt sounds tough. I remember experiencing the same fragility of experience towards any good I was feeling, and maybe I'm still a bit like that now.

This reminds me of the Buddhist idea of equanimity in meditation. It's the removal of attachment towards what's good or what's bad. This is different from being numbed or dissociated though. Instead of thinking of locking emotions by chains, think of this lack of attachment as more like clay, where it can change form and stay flexible to the situation. I bet you know something like this from DBT - where you have to fully experience your emotions to accept them. Neither running away from it, or trying to maintain it - whether the emotion is positive or negative.

It reminds me of the serenity prayer and I bet it can help whether someone is religious or not.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

It may not be the same for you, but I had a lot of workaholic tendencies before since I emphasized the courage to change things too much and not the others. I'd try to accept myself with more self compassion, but I the third one was the toughest. I thought I'd get out of this by realizing how much I can control, when I only let go by realizing how much I can't control.

Weird how that works, huh?

Thank you both!
Thank you, Hope, for giving it a try to write something coherent. I know that can be quite tricky and exhausting sometimes. So the hug and knowing you thought about me is highly, highly apprechiative!

Rocket, I've been thinking of eastern mindset and spirituality lately. I know far too little, and would like to know more. I haven't had the time and energy to actually research it yet. And I also think I'm a little worried, because once delving into spirituality online, or otherwise you very easily run into people who are quite frightening. I've had too deep experiences with something similar, so I am a little careful. Although I do consider myself spiritualistic rather than religious.

---

I got some awful, awful, awful news just as I went to bed yesterday! A friend of mine who comes from a different country married a man of my country. They have several children, and moved abroad to a third country. They've always seemed so friendly, calm. They have been of sound mind, family oriented and generally good people. I haven't been much in contact with them since they moved abroad, but yesterday I was told he kidnapped his own children and moved back to his country of origin. It's just awful! It came out of nowhere. Very out of character for him. And we're all very worried about what will happen. The youngest child was still being breastfed.  I hope it will all work out. The police, embassy, children services, and lawyers have been contacted.
It's just... terrible. I cant even imagine what she must be going through!
I've reached out to her, but she hasn't replied. I don't really expect her to either. We've not been close for years, and she's got more than enough on her plate than to reply to me. But I hope she knows I will help her with almost anything.
I hope it turns out well... I really do.

Sorry Sceal if it's too long. :/

Hmm, can I ask what you mean by frightening? From all my years of studying Eastern teachings since I was a preteen, most practicing it tend to be kind. Yes, there are certain online communities where they can be hostile, but most I've been to tend to be governed by mods well and welcoming.

Spiritualistic rather than religious is fine. I've studied a lot of these and there are a lot of people who ignore the supernatural/cosmological aspects of the teachings while still learning from the ideas that can apply to anyone of any spiritual identification.

Eastern mental health tends to focus on acceptance and awareness. Western mental health tends to focus on positive thinking and finding meaning .

I recommend this free online course if you want to try. (https://palousemindfulness.com). Good for starters. Some authors for your level could be Eckhart Tolle or Alan Watts.

A little warning though — the thing about Eastern teachings is that they teach you to be aware — but many people at first are often shocked to find what they're newly aware of in life that can make them emotional. They eventually reach some form of acceptance where they can use it to be more accepting of themselves. You can't accept what you're not aware of after all. If you decide to do this, take it slow.

:hug:

hey sweetie,

just horrible about your friend's children.  i hope to heaven there is a pos. outcome. 

interesting what you wrote about pushing back at the neg. thoughts.  to my mind, that's a positive thing.  those thoughts have bullied us for so long, and to push back, not allow them to run over your mind anymore seems like you've gained new strength.  i don't see it as denying part of you - those messages weren't yours to begin with. 

one of the things i learned about intrusive neg. thoughts is to say 'STOP' when they come around, to show them who's really the boss.  3roses dresses them up in groucho marx glasses and eyebrows so she can laugh at them and take away their power.   

if i may, then, i disagree that it's avoidant behavior in a neg. sense.  i think it's a pos. behavior that comes from a place of new-found strength and boundaries.   as babies, we didn't have any neg. thoughts or feelings about ourselves.  we loved to be alive and let the world know when we needed something to continue our survival, or wanted something gone that was getting in the way of feeling good about ourselves.

so, in that sense, i do see it as self-love, self-protection, and self-caring to chase the uglies away.  why wouldn't you want to avoid something that hurts you, like neg. thoughts about yourself?  those are dangerous.  they don't benefit us or our lives.  i think it wise to steer clear of them any possible way you can.  you deserve to wallow in these good feelings you've been working so hard for.

it truly is evident, the progress you've made, sceal.  well done.  warm, loving hug filled with enjoyment of all you've accomplished.

Quote from: DecimalRocket on February 23, 2018, 03:15:22 PM
Sorry Sceal if it's too long. :/

Hmm, can I ask what you mean by frightening? From all my years of studying Eastern teachings since I was a preteen, most practicing it tend to be kind. Yes, there are certain online communities where they can be hostile, but most I've been to tend to be governed by mods well and welcoming.

Spiritualistic rather than religious is fine. I've studied a lot of these and there are a lot of people who ignore the supernatural/cosmological aspects of the teachings while still learning from the ideas that can apply to anyone of any spiritual identification.

Eastern mental health tends to focus on acceptance and awareness. Western mental health tends to focus on positive thinking and finding meaning .

I recommend this free online course if you want to try. (https://palousemindfulness.com). Good for starters. Some authors for your level could be Eckhart Tolle or Alan Watts.

A little warning though — the thing about Eastern teachings is that they teach you to be aware — but many people at first are often shocked to find what they're newly aware of in life that can make them emotional. They eventually reach some form of acceptance where they can use it to be more accepting of themselves. You can't accept what you're not aware of after all. If you decide to do this, take it slow.

:hug:

It's not to long at all. I am sorry it's taken me a few days to reply, I've just needed to be more clear headed.

By frightening I mean that my experience with people who teach or want to spread knowledge of their way of life thinks that their perception is the only true thing, and some of them often come close to being extremists about it. If you don't accept their teachings you're an enemy. And my experience is being manipulated, or attempted to be. Such people scare me, and I have an expert skill in finding them.

I am not searching for one truth, because I don't believe there to be just one truth. I belive in broadening ones horizon and mixing knowledge together. The history of psychology is a good example for that. The ones who started the branch of academic psychology and it's science weren't psychologists. They were natural scientists, physiscists, evolutionists, philosphers, medical professionsals, and people who were curious and fascinated with the soul, conciousness and memory.

I will look into your link, but not yet. I need to focus on my current challenges of exams and other immediate ordeals. But thank you very much for share, I highly apprechiate it.
:hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 23, 2018, 04:52:17 PM
hey sweetie,

just horrible about your friend's children.  i hope to heaven there is a pos. outcome. 

interesting what you wrote about pushing back at the neg. thoughts.  to my mind, that's a positive thing.  those thoughts have bullied us for so long, and to push back, not allow them to run over your mind anymore seems like you've gained new strength.  i don't see it as denying part of you - those messages weren't yours to begin with. 

one of the things i learned about intrusive neg. thoughts is to say 'STOP' when they come around, to show them who's really the boss.  3roses dresses them up in groucho marx glasses and eyebrows so she can laugh at them and take away their power.   

if i may, then, i disagree that it's avoidant behavior in a neg. sense.  i think it's a pos. behavior that comes from a place of new-found strength and boundaries.   as babies, we didn't have any neg. thoughts or feelings about ourselves.  we loved to be alive and let the world know when we needed something to continue our survival, or wanted something gone that was getting in the way of feeling good about ourselves.

so, in that sense, i do see it as self-love, self-protection, and self-caring to chase the uglies away.  why wouldn't you want to avoid something that hurts you, like neg. thoughts about yourself?  those are dangerous.  they don't benefit us or our lives.  i think it wise to steer clear of them any possible way you can.  you deserve to wallow in these good feelings you've been working so hard for.

it truly is evident, the progress you've made, sceal.  well done.  warm, loving hug filled with enjoyment of all you've accomplished.

I too hope that there's a positive outcome. I don't know how the situation is right now, but I hope the children are safe and happy.

I can understand what you're trying to say, that not allowing bad thoughts. But, I don't think it was, or is that. I am not sure if I am able to explain it to properly, because it's difficult to get the brain to work.
But it was more that I wasn't allowed, or couldn't allow ANY thoughts. No, bad, no good, nothing. I was stripped of me, I just had to perform the task that was infront of me. In this case it has been reading to the exam. I can do reading, but reading doesn't work when there's no one behind the scene to accept the knew knowledge and make sense out of it.  I still see it as a form of self-defence.  It's mostly passed now, I broke down a few days ago in exhaustion and everything came flooding back. Thoughts, good and bad, perceptions, evaluations, critical thinking. Not so much energy - but I suspect it'll come after the exam. Or at least I hope so.

It's not that I'm trying to belittle the progress that I've made the past month, and it didn't really feel like a step back either.

sceal, even if i'm not able to understand it, as long as you do is what counts and what matters. 

sick, low energy today, so let me just say good luck on mon.  can you visualize finishing that exam and being satisfied that you did your best?  love and a big hug.

 :bighug: to you San.

I hope you will feel better soon, and that your health grows stronger for each minute.

I will give it my best on Monday, and then I will rest for a while. When the results come back, I'll know if I need to work on forgiving myself or celebrate.

It's alright — take your time with your studies and rest.

I understand, Sceal. Past experiences like that can make anyone uneasy. But from observing multiple points of view from afar, I don't think the danger lies with religion, but simply anyone who forces their ideas on people. Not that I think you think that, but your emotions are feeling otherwise.

I grew up reading bounds of subjects about science — and usually it was full of atheists. They thought ending religion would end discrimination, but they did that by discriminating against the religious.

I believe the same thing as you do — mixing different ideas together and finding a new way at looking at the world. That's what I love about learning the most. How different ideas come together.

Take care, Sceal.  :hug:

Hi Sceal,
I am sorry to hear about your friend's children. 
I just wanted to send you a hug  :hug: and wish you well for your remaining exams - I think they are around now, and I hope that they go ok for you.  Hope you manage to get a balance of rest and study, as fits best for you. 
Take care,
Hope  :)

Thanks Rocket :)

Thanks Hope, :)  :hug: I haven't heard anything more, but I hope her children are well taken care of by their father, if nothing else.

---
I've been good with not being judgy about how and what I eat, and how I look the past month, knowing that it will change one slow and small step at a time.
But I got these sugar cravings today, and it's making me hate myself so deeply. All I can think of is a big juicy burger with cheese and bacon and big crispy fries. Or a big pile of ice-cream. Or cider, or candy... anything SWEET. not salty, but sweet. I don't even really like sweets. and I just hate myself so much for this. for the thoughts. for the behaviour. for the impulses that are there all day long, no matter how much I try to not think about it, or wait it out.

Too much emotion. I can't write right now. Sorry

honey, you've been under so much pressure lately, i'm not surprised your brain is craving sugar.  you've been using a lot of brain power from studying.

good luck today.  thinking of you, wishing you well.  lovely warm hug to you.

You're right.
The adjustment to feeling better and actually acknowledging the progress I've made. Mixed with the knowledge that next week I will have to use my voice and talk about my traumas. It is of my own choosing, but it still scares me. It still worries me. The exam pressure, the inner critics, the constant judgement, and the denial and avoidant behaviour... it hasn't made matters any better.
My friends children being missing, and lack of police co-operation across borders over the week-end. It worries me. Friday I had a call from my GP regarding my surgery this year. I got the time of the year now, it'll be after the summer. But I am scared. I'm scared of the new regiment, I'm scared I'll fail everyone and myself after the big invasive procedure and that a few years down the line I am back where I started. This fear is so crippling, and it's hard to get any empathy for it. Mostly it's just "you'll do fine." or "But it's just to do..."
It's not just to do anything, all the time.
I loathe my body, but I know I have to start working on respecting it, acknowledging it's presence. Listening to it. But it's so uncomfortable, and I revert too fast into a distant kind of mind. I don't know how to describe it. I do not have any love or acceptance for it.
I am trying to sort my identity in all of this,  who am I, besides the illness. Outside of PTSD and PD? Who am I, that is ME and not what everyone else is telling me is me? And who do I want to be?

I was sluggish and worn out when I woke up this morning.
I ordered a taxi to my appointment with T. It's expensive, but it was needed today.

The appointment wasn't as optimisitc as usually. I was sluggish and not easy to talk to.
We talked about the surgery and her letter of recommendation. She doesn't recommend it right now, it'll be too much with surgery and trauma-therapy. I know she's right, but I'm dissapointed. I've waited 2.5 years now. Seems I must wait longer. It's not a happy thought.
Now I don't know how long I'll have to wait.

sceal, i think your question 'who do i want to be?' is so very important.  even with our wounds and symptoms, we can still choose what kind of person we want to be.  the wounds and symptoms are there, and you're doing what you can to heal and alleviate what you are able.  that's recovery.

the personal part of us is more of a choice that we make and follow thru on at our own discretion.  choose the parts of your personality that you like and do what you can to bolster those parts.  as for the rest, do what you can to diminish them.  this may sound simplistic, but i think it's at the heart of who we are and who we want to be.

i hope your exam went well.  i'm not surprised at your exhaustion.  you've put in a lot of work, expended a huge amount of energy.

best to you with your surgery.  it's usually scary, i think, cuz we have to give up complete control. 

i also think accepting our bodies is a good thing.  it's the first step to caring about and for them.

keep taking care of you as best you can, sweetie.  sending a hug full of warmth and love.

I am not sure who I want to be. Someone good, smart, but that's too vague. It's hard stuff to figure out, never the less who I am.

The exam didn't go. I had to withdraw. So... I have to re-do it next semester.  I feel sad, frustrated, dissapointed.

I'm not afraid of the surgery, or doctors. I'm familiar with doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals. I know how to relate to them and talk to them more than I know how to talk to anyone else. I told a friend I'm not worried about being admitted to the hospital. I'm not scared of being sick. He looked at me like I was weird.  I've had so many doctors, nurses, psychologists and psychiatrist all through my life - that is what's normal to me. Even if they weren't able to give me the correct diagnosis at the time - they were there when no one else was. I depend on them. And I know I depend on them too much.  I know others here have a very, very different experience with them. I susect also, that I'm more comfortable around them because I don't have to let them in. I can distance myself from them personally. Makes it less scary.

Sorry to hear about the exam, Sceal.  :hug:

Thank you Three Roses.
I kind of wish I hadn't told everyone on the planet I'm taking my exam now, double shame :P

no shame to me, sceal.  sorry it didn't go, tho.

i know what you mean about being familiar with the medical profession.  i think i learned as many medical terms in spanish as i did conversational words while i lived in mexico!

personally, i was never scared of surgery, but that's cuz i never really felt fear and i trusted everyone.  now, it's a bit different.  coming back to the states, being faced with the cancer surgery was exceptionally stressful for me, anxiety-producing, and frightening.  this has been a real culture shock, coming back here.  everything's so different - i hardly know what to expect about anything.

just sending you well wishes for everything you're facing, and standing right beside you, sweetie.  love and hugs to you.

Thank you, that means alot :hug: :hug:

Hi Sceal,  I also want to send you hugs  :hug:   :hug:  and wish you strength for everything you're going through. 
Hope  :)

 :hug: Thank you, Hope.
I dissociated pretty strongly during group today. I had little control over my body, and I wasn't present. I wasn't in deep thought. I just existed outside time. And every once in a while I surfaced and became confused to where I was and if it was real.
They took good care of me. And it took hours before I managed to come back to myself.
Well, I am still feeling a little distant and things are unreal.

i'm just glad they took good care of you, sweetie.  we'll get thru this.  love and a big hug.

Well done for getting through that Sceal, and  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

I don't even remember writing.  :hug:

Looking back on this week.. It's been hectic, overwhelming, painful at times, and challenging. Yet, I find my self in a decent mood.
I don't really remember much of what happened when. I can't place it in a timeline if I don't look in my calendar. There are some blank periods here and there. I'm not sure what to make out of that. I've been doing good of being less dissociative lately.

Thursday was hard though. I went to the SA center to talk to my SA lady. We talked about my body, my feelings towards that. A little about my issues with food, and some about my fear of the upcoming surgery - or rather the time after the surgery.  I was supposed to go dancing an hour after my meeting. I had my gym shoes and everything. But after the meeting I was... vulnerable. I sat down in a chair to avoid going out in the cold. And I couldn't get back up again. I beat myself up and up and up about not moving my feet and getting to the place in time, or paying the fee before going over. I cried, though I tried to hide it since I was in public. Another SA lady saw me and talked to me briefly, I said it was just difficult right now. She was going on break and she'd come back she said. instead she went and got my SA lady. She talked to me again for a few minutes - she made me feel better. Or at least less awful, and made a plan anew. But I still couldn't get anywhere. So my friend came and picked me up. We drove up to his and he made me dinner before driving me home.

I really didn't want to wake up on Friday. But the lecture at the university was about taking care of people after they've been through a crisis. So that sounded interessting and I went. I am glad I went. They talked about ASR and PTSD. I got to ask some questions afterwards and I enjoyed it.  Went to lunch and the movies with dad. I tried my best, and I don't think he noticed anything. Although he was dissapointed that I hadn't gone dancing the day before. He wants me to be more physically active. He's doesn't like that I'm fat. Well, dad, neither do I!

Today I went on a 4 hour long mindfulness and self-compassion course. It's part of a research study for someone at the university. They are all very nice. It was challenging. I noticed all the achy and painful places in my body. But I managed to do all the tasks that had to do with noticing stuff within my body. Feeling my body, and knowing that it's mine. It's a big, big thing. I've only started being able to feel my legs touchign the ground and my * touching the seat of a chair in the last year. Otherwise it's just been when I've been injured or am sick.  But when it came to at the end to feel self-compassion towards myself.. I dissoaciated. I couldn't do it. It was too much. At the end we were allowed to give feedback and share our experiences. Very few did. But I did. I said that it all went very well up until the point that I had to be self-compassionate towards myself. That there was a wall that I ran straight into, and then walked into the completely oposite direction of self criticisism. I hope me daring to share, and daring to be open about it.. will make it easier for others next time. And not just sharing the "this was a new experience, it was fascinating, but it's slow learning", but more personal experience. Admitting that it's difficult. The psychologist leader talked and affirmed that it's a normal process.
I got a few smiles on the way out.  and I felt pretty great afterwards.
I even headed up to my parents. I had heard the ice was thick enough on the lake to skate on. my dream! Finally!
I was on the ice maybe 5 minutes before I fell and twisted my ankle. The ice wasn't very good ice, it was woobbly and uneven, and loads of snow on the ice so I couldn't properly see, adding it up with me not having skated in years... My ankle throbs now. but it's not as big of an injury as it could have been. I just laughed it off.

But... i got to be on the ice for 5 minutes. And those 5 minutes were peaceful and quiet.

Yes, sounds like an emotionally-busy week. Progress and realisations, and the strength to get up on Friday and do good things for yourself.  :applause:  :hug:

Sceal. I really admire the progress you're doing - even if it's not perfect. I still cry regularly when self compassion gets hard so I understand what you mean by "hitting a wall". Often I don't know how thick the wall is from the angle I see it.

When I first tried being aware of my body, I didn't see the point of it. But there's something about being grounded in the body that allows people to dissociate less. Unlike our thoughts sometimes, our bodies are fully real and we have a point of reference to focus on in reality. Interesting.

Sorry you broke your ankle. But if you can find peace once on the ice, then maybe you can slowly find peace in other areas.

:hug:

On tuesday I have to talk about my first trauma. It'll be the first time I ever talk about it.
I'm scared.

My homework was to remember my resources, and practice them. Problem is... I don't recall what they are.
I know it's a resource that I don't give up easily. That I try to find new sollutions, or new paths, or have become better at taking breaks. I know it's a resource that I enjoy reading books, and writing, and generally creating. That I can enjoy a walk in the forest, or go ice-skating.. But... The other ones.. the ones that are a part of ME, I don't remember.  I should have written it down.. But I didn't.

may i suggest some that i've seen in you?

intelligence

comprehension

perseverance

determination

strength

courage

willingness to continue moving

not giving up

vulnerability

daring to attempt something new

ability to change and/or adjust

continuing to progress even when you are scared.

if you need more, i'm sure i can find some.  i thought that might be enough to begin with.  it's not often that we can find our own personal resources - they weren't shown or pointed out to us along the way.  in fact, quite the opposite.   you've been practicing them right along, too.  the fact that you're also a very caring person counts for a lot as well.

best to you with tackling this next phase.  with you in spirit, sweetie.  love and a warm, caring hug to you.

Wow, San. Thank you so much.
Those words mean alot to me. I will let them sit with me for a while, and let it sink in.  :hug: :hug:

----

Going to my T later, I'm nervous. And I'm hoping I'll be able to do some work of some kind later during the day. Though I think I'll try and do some studying before I go. I finally opened the books yesterday for the subject I actually have this semester. I've barely opened the books yet, and I'm far behind. But the exam for this semester is in a month, and I have ALOT to catch up on, yet still... It'll be an exam over two days, at home. With all the resources that I want or need.

In a little over a month I'll travel to the hospital to get a full day of information about  life before and after surgery. What to expect, and what I need to do to succeed. It'll be a full day full of information, and I hope I don't dissociate and lose all the info.

I signed up for a course that's part of a psychologist ph.d degree. She's at my university. It's about self-compassion. We've had two course days, and there's two or three left. During the half-day during the week-end we did a lot of mindfulness and yoga excersises throughout the day, but when at the end of the day we were to be self-compassionate with ourselves I couldn't do it. I dissociated. But yet still, it was interessting. And I hope I'll get to that point too, maybe in a year - two, or five. It doesn't matter when, as long as it happens. And I think maybe the seed has been planted. I just need to tend to it.
Self-compassion, according to research, is more stable and steady compared to your concept of self worth. Self-compassion will help you overcome failures, and be forgiving to yourself. We all have it in us, compassion, but like so many of us I am compassionate towards others, but not towards myself.
I hate to admit it, but in my head, in my own world, there are a different set of rules for me. Mines are harder, stricter and sometimes impossible to live up to. It's not that I think myself special or more worthy, it's the other way around. I find everyone else special and worthy.  This of course means I have some internal battles that never seem to have an end. There are holes in my illusion of set of rules that I cannot explain.
I hope self-compassion will make me sturdier meeting the trauma-therapy that I'm about to engage in. I hope self-compassion will help me hate my body less. And I hope self-compassion will help me suceed once the surgery has been commenced. Be it after the summer, or in yet another year from now.

Hi Sceal,
I'd like to wish you well for your session with your T later today, and also hope that your studying goes well - I also wanted to just pop by and give you a hug.  You did the same to me in my Journal and I appreciated it very much, so wanted to reciprocate and pop by.   :hug:
What you wrote in your diary - I related to - because when I was at University doing my studying years back, I used to dissociate in lessons and sessions as well - it made it harder to learn, and I don't think I realised that I was doing it back then - i.e. I was so in the fog I couldn't even see it at the time - but the fact is you are aware, and that's a positive thing, as you're getting help now, and I really think that's great. 
I've read a book on Compassion that was by someone called Paul Gilbert, it was a great book - and I hope you enjoy that course, if you choose to do it.
Take care,
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope. A hug right now is very much appreciated :hug:. I am waiting for the bus to take me up to my T.
I tried to study, but I am currently reading about PTSD and I wasn't able to focus. I just kept being reminded of what I am soon to do.

I am not always aware when I dissociate that I am doing it. But I notice afterwards, and it fills me with frustration. Of what I could have learned. The time that vanished.  I hope it'll get better and better with time. And hopefully eventually it won't happen anymore.

I left the house. Went to the mall. The sun is shining and despite the cold it was nice to have lunch outside. I don't have sun in the garden at this time of year. It hangs to low.
I distracted myself by reading a fictional book called The Bear and the Nightingale. It's quite nice. It's set in old Rus and is influenced by fairytales.

It's giving me inspiration to work creatively. A professor said last lecture that he didn't think that anyone had written a story about eyore from Winnie the Pooh as having PTSD and challenges any who were creative to do so. I am thinking of doing it. But I need to do some research first, I did some already. Turns out the author of Winnie the Pooh had PTSD.

Dissociation is tough, Sceal. I've had similar experiences, and just suddenly forgetting certain important events leave me uneasy. It's like an itch I have to scratch to remember, but I can't.

Interesting choice to create a spin off of a classic. It reminds me when I watched a horror creative writing channel called Tale Foundry recently and the classic cosmic horror writer, H.P Lovecraft. He often wrote stories and allowed people to use and be inspired by his world and characters - allowing his ideas to become a modern mythology in Western Horror today. They have the same thing going on in the programming world where people post code online and let people edit, be inspired by or use it.

Maybe we've lived through the same stories and myths. But we tell it in our own way that slowly changes it across history.

Well, see you around, Sceal.  :hug:

 :hug: Rocket.

-----

I haven't checked in here for a while.  And I'm not even sure if I will press "Post" at the end of writing this.
I've started proper trauma T. It's hard, it's painful. I'm walking around with an increased distrust of people. Of strangers, of friends, of family, of health care professionals. And all I've really done so far is to tell my T what happened that first time. Or rather, I wrote it down, because I can't use words. I'm scared of her now.
I'm scared of her judgement, I'm scared she'll think less of me. I'm scared my first experience of abuse that I can recall wasn't bad enough. A part of me know that her judgement of me doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter what she thinks of me, and that my experience was bad, it was definitively bad enough. But I don't believe that part of me, I really don't.
When I got home from that appointment I threw up, for hours. Despite not really having had much food to eat that day. And I just couldn't eat for the next 3 days. It's better now. Food wise. Sort of.

I don't know if this is dissociation or not. But I think part of me can't sympathize with the 5-year old me, because that is also the current me. I can't distinguish it as a part of the past emotionally, or even "rationally", because my reality is being confused and twisted.  I am back at being 16-17, except the people in my life and my "occupation" and living conditions are recognized as the 31 year old me.  I act like I did when I was 16-17, I hide my reality-confusion. I don't know what's real, so I await to see how other reacts and say before I respond. So they wont notice. Hopefully.

I'm no longer going to be a student. I'm not fit. It's too much right now. and somehow I have to face my parents to tell them. And that scares me. I become 14, when I have to bring this up. I've kept them at arms distance since I was a child, I don't know how not to do that anymore. Despite it keeps hurting me.  I don't trust them, I guess is the reason why. And a part of me is questioning whether I have underestimated them my entire life. But what other choice did I have at the time? Now I do have another choice, question is.. am I willing and or capable of living up to it? Can I face them? How much, how little should I say? I don't know, and it spirals out of control.

So, I ignore it all the best of my abilities by feeding my brain tv-series and reading books. I'll regret this once I turn my head back on again, the wasted time. I just... I've stopped working. 

o honey, i don't think this is wasted time at all.  getting truly into your trauma easily can send us base over teapot and it sometimes takes a bit before we can right ourselves again.  you need this time to process, let things settle, find your footing again.  thank you for not deleting this. 

may i suggest you not say anything to your parents until this process has been worked thru for you?  you're pretty vulnerable right now, and i don't know that it will benefit you to 'take them on' at the moment.  besides, school is your personal decision, whether to go or not, when, if, where.  right now it sounds like you need some time away from the intellectual pressure as you're moving thru emotional minefields.

i give you all kinds of credit, sceal, for working with your trauma.  it has sounded like your t has been careful and caring with you in the past, which makes me think that there will be no judgment, no right or wrong, no shaming or blaming - nothing but continued care and support for you.  i pray i'm seeing it correctly for your sake.

in the meantime, binge, read, rest, relax, no pressure, just be for a while.  you deserve that so much.  touching on the trauma portion of recovery is difficult, takes lots of work and energy.  this is not wasted time, but rather time for re-grouping and healing those parts of us that feel the fear and mistrust all over again.

sending a hug filled with lots of love, support, and gentle understanding. 

Hi Sceal. You were gone for quite a bit. I couldn't help but worry if something wrong happened to you, and I'm sorry something has.

I agree with San. You need time to rest, rewind and recover. I remember Blueberry said something when in an EF. That when you have an EF, especially one as intense and long as this,— it's like you have the flu. You can't expect yourself to be able to accomplish as much and you need a lot of rest. Not a good idea to make important decisions at this stage either.

Take care, Sceal. I know it can be hard. From what I've seen, you do have it hard. You are worthy of being taken seriously and taken good care of. If you have a different opinion from me and San, it's fine. I support that too. I support that you have the right to have your own opinion, even if you get scared to have one sometimes.

:hug: if that's okay.

To San:
Thank you dear. I am trying to be mindful about taking breaks, and about stopping up and checking about what's going on within me. But those things are easier if I am in an environment that allows me to do so. The SA center allows me to do so. I can sit in a chair near the bookshelves and just do nothing. At home that's not really an option, I'm not sure why. No one is forcing me to do anything at home.  But being better at these things, does not mean I'm adept or good at it.

I blurted it out to my dad today, right before we were going to a free lecture about some islands (which turned into a history lecture on vikings. It was pretty cool and unexpected) that my dad wanted to go to. He wasn't pleased, but not overly displeased either. He just asked me about exams - and that was it. Although, him asking about exams is making me analyze it to that he still cares more for professionalism, education and work rather than health. And it's not a great feeling. I didn't plan to tell him, I had planned to wait. Until I've had it all figured it out and what it meant to me. And to be less vulnerable.

To Rocket;
Thank you for worrying, it means alot to me.  :hug:
I can see the logic and value from where Blueberry is coming from, although during the moments it is hard to actually comprehend. It's just spinning out of control. Not in a way that makes me panic and crawl into a baby-position, but more that it feels like nomatter what I choose to do - it has no impact and nothing is real.
-----

My T had recently learned a new term. It's was something one of her colleagues had told her. That there is such a thing as a "flash forward". Something similar to a "flash back". In a "flash back" you re-experience an awful memory or event that happened to you, and it can paralyze you or put you into a state of emotional pain and confusion. But in "flash forward" it is a similar thing, except.. it hasn't happened yet. To illustrate with my own case. My T now has the details of what happened during my first abuse. I can't take that back, I can't undo that. It's no longer a secret. And I start becoming terrified of what my T must think of me. If she's judging me, if she thinks less of me, of she thinks I'm overreacting and more. All of these thoughts spin out of control and I get overwhelmed by shame and fear - and I'm scared of facing her again. I'm scared of trusting, I'm scared of telling more. I'm avoiding the topic, I dissociate because that is safer.  So it's a reaction to what might, potentially happen in the future between me and another person.

I found it a smart terminology. It's not an official one or anything like that. But it's a phenomena that is slightly different from rumination and worrying about what others might think of me. Although, I'm not sure if I described the difference very well.

I wont see my T until 10th of April.
I know many here doesn't have a regular T, or can only see theirs a few times a year.
Due to the DBT program I've been in for the past year, I've seen my T every week with the exception of christmas and summer holiday. And it's difficult each time. I know I can call her today, and get her to talk to me.
But I don't know what to say. I just need comfort, and I don't know how to ask for that. Because, comfort from what?
She's not the one I should get comfort from anyway. She's my T, not my friend or my mother.
I guess it's because next week is Easter, and I know everything shuts down. My country everything goes on a shut down for 5.5 days. Shops are closed, doctors office are closed, Half the country leaves for the mountain, the other half splits into going abroad or staying at home.  The SA center will close as well.

I'm going back to sleep.

Hi Sceal,
You've really said many things there about what you would perhaps like your T to help you with - i.e. how to cope with the lengthy time at April over Easter - and what things you might do to make that time more 'comforting' and bearable - maybe she can talk to you about things you could do to cope better over that time.

I just wanted to give you a supportive and friendly and hopefully comforting hug  :hug: and also say that there will be lots of us around over Easter - here on the forum.  I will certainly be popping in here - and so really we can't be alone with such a great and supportive place to come.  That is what I tell myself too, and it does help to know that.

Anyway, I hope you slept well and that you are ok.

Hope  :)

great term, flash-forward.  i like it, it makes perfect sense to me.

maybe you can use that with your t if you decide to call her.  that you're 'flash-forwarding' and could just use a few words of reassurance or comfort.  for what?  for the flash-forwarding you're experiencing, for the time coming up when your routine with her will be interrupted, for the fact that you told your dad and feeling a bit uneasy about it. 

like hope says, you will not be alone during the shut-down time.  people will be here, be with you.  we're with you all the way, dearest sceal.  love and a big hug.

Hi Hope! Thank you for reading :)  I suppose you're right, I could have called my T today, and I partially intended too. But then, the day was gone - and I got too late.

I always apprechiate the hugs from you. :) Thank you so much! I would love to give you a warm and caring hug right back :hug: if you want one :)

Hi San,
I'm glad you liked the term. I do too.
And I'm grateful that you are all here. I hope everyone will have a strong and good easter.  :hug:

---
Someone asked me today how I've been the past week. And I don't know how to answer that.  I haven't felt great, but it hasn't been * either, and neither has it been somewhere in the middle. I remember bits and pieces. But I don't actually know how I am doing right now.  And it feels peculiar.  When I look at my week-chart from DBT, I've got high scores on Shame, Anxiety and Sadness. So I guess, not so good really.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my SA-lady. She asked me if I was angry, I didn't feel angry and I told her so. She said that my facial features were that of anger or maybe disgust. We were talking about my relation to my body. And I said, she's probably right. I couldn't feel the feeling, but when she said it - it made sense. I have poor control with food these days. I've not much of an apetite. I do eat, but I've no idea if it's too much, or too little. Or just enough. I can't tell. And I do have an unspecified eating disorder, so I am very stressed around food these days. Food and body.

On the self-compassion group, it was the last one last wednesday, they talked about something important, I know it moved me. And that it triggered important thoughts. But I can't recall now. Something about self-compassion increases hardiness towards stress. But it wasn't quite that too. I think maybe it had something to do with being aware of what kind of voice do I use when I talk to myself. Is my tone harsh or compassionate? Demanding, or loving? And how much that plays an important role. We all know how affected we get when someone talks to us in harsh tones, and how hurtful or stressful that can be - so why should it be any different when it comes to how I talk to myself?

At the Identity group today we talked about rewards. I told them that punishment and rewards go hand in hand for me. Because once someone reward me, or give me positive feedback/praise I feel I have to live up to those standards, and preferably beyond. And then there is no reward. The good grade was good, but now I have to do better. The painting I did was nice, so now I have to improve.  Constantly underlining the fact that I'm just never quite good enough. Or, on the other hand, if someone is being generous and gives me praise I am just waiting for them to ask me something in return. A favour, or a thing, or whatever - something that I will say yes to, because I feel obligated to. But don't really want to. And thus the praise becomes false, it's a lie.  One of the group leader in the ID-group said that it's a very common thing amongst children and youth who has grown up in foster-care. I never did. But he believed me, when I said I can't accept rewards from outside, and that I'm constantly berating myself or pushing myself to do better and it's just never good enough. Of course, this destroys any chance of actually feeling that I've mastered something. And a feeling of competence is proven to be vital for good mental health.  I told them at the beginning of the group that I dissociate alot these days. And I ended up doing just that. My body dissapeared, and I became all numb. I couldn't feel my body. I couldn't move my body. And the other group leader sat with me and talked with me after the group. I got partial control of my body after a little while, but then my right arm started shaking uncontrollable and I couldn't feel my right leg at all, even if she tried stomping on my foot. She took the time with me, gently getting me back to my body. And I was allowed to be vulnerable, and I let myself be vulnerable. Eventhough I have no idea what triggered me. I wish I knew. She said that sometimes it's the combination of everything, and not just one thing. She held my hand, and started moving it around - to control the movements and eventually the shaking disrupted. And she kept holding my hand. And I told her that although I generally don't like being touched, I - like everyone else - miss having a hand to hold. And then I burst into tears. It's the first time I've been able to say it out loud.

I feel I want to delve into this. Get more input and thoughts and conversations around identity, not just "who am I?", but all the layers that is part of an identity. Who's voice is my inner critic? Where does it come from? There is a transaction analysis in psychology that has a theory about three roles that we have within us "Child", "Parent" and "Rationality" (or something like that), and the child part is our emotion, the parent is everything that we've learned in life, so it's not an actual parent - it's more the internalized norms from upbringing. It could be from parents, teachers, peers -whatever. And then the rational mind that is less harsh, less emotional. More like a wisemind thing I think.  I can't quite identify when I'm where yet though, it's a little abstract. But it's interessting. What influences my behaviour? And why?  What values is the most important to me? and have their meanings become changed/destroyed/polluted by others? How do I take it back to be important to me?  And so many more questions that are important, but I can't quite put into words - because I don't have the words yet.

But it meant alot that the ID group lady held my hand, and gave me a hug. And more importantly, gave me room to be vulnerable.

I don't know who I am. But I would still like to sit in a room somewhere, and without the pressure of the clock, have a conversation about life. Thoughts, ideas, vulnerabilities, concepts. To be accepted for my line of thoughts, to be challenged when I can't explain the reason of thought.  To get comfort, to get connection. To allow someone to be there for me, and let myself be vulnerable in the face of another trusted human being.

There happened something lately in my country, something that could have had a big consequence for everyone. But the worst case scenario didn't happen, there was consequences - but not as big as one predicted.
However, in the light of these things going on something else surfaced from the dark and into daylight.
Hate.
Deep seethed hate. So many people in my country carry an unreasonable amount of hatred towards strangers. Disgust, fear, anger and hatred.  It scares me. This hatred. These people who carry so much hate - they become even more unpredictable than normal. Death threats has been made to alot of people (not me! and not anyone I know - as far as I know) because they disagree. It's abdominal.

It's making me paranoid. I'm already having deep seethed trust issues, trust issues that are coming into light of day for me these days. I don't trust my family to keep my secrets. I don't trust my friends wont judge me, or use me. I don't trust that my T will stick with me til I can stand strong on my own. And I don't trust new people. Who are they? What do they want? What do they believe in? What is their values, and do they act according to their own values?
At the same time: What are mine? And do I?

It's troubled water. I'm not in the storm at the moment, but I can't navigate the waters. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know where I've been. And I don't know where I am - how then am I supposed to know how to navigate?
And I don't trust anyone to help me or show me, because what are their motives? What do I have to do for them? Will I be okay doing whatever favour they ask? Am I bought? I feel bought.

I am also terrified this journal will be connected with me in real-life. I need this journal now. I do. But what about in the future? What comes online -never goes away. That's the golden rule.

It's strange how the inner critic makes us lack compassion for ourselves sometimes, and how high our standards can be.

I remember drawing an incredibly realistic copy of a famous painting at 9, and still thinking my drawings were terrible. Someone who tutored me at statistics told me I learned what she had to learn — one of the best students —in 2 days in 20 minutes, but I'm failing the class from absolute lack of self confidence to act on my answers because of an indimidating teacher.

You work more. I work more. All for perfection. But strangely, this isn't what solves it. People talk about the difference of self efficacy and self compassion in confidence. In self esteem, you try to up your belief in your ability to do. In self compassion, you try to up your ability to love yourself as you are.

It's strange how hard this is. The people who work the hardest and smartest are the ones most aware of their flaws, and somehow the ones most likely to doubt themselves because of it. But I think that doubt shows a deep self awareness of what you still can't do, so you can figure it out.

I'm glad you're trying to be self compassionate to yourself. Even if you suck at it, it's still admirable how your perseverance creates it.

...

I also feel like it's hard to trust people where I am sometimes. The news just make everything seem dark and dreary in my country. I've been getting more empathetic recently ever since I've been on OOTS, and now sometimes I can't stand watching those kinds of things.

I'm afraid I don't have the best advice for this — being on the spectrum, I sometimes worry if my lack of social awareness can lead me to being more easily manipulated. I guess all I can do is relate to you.

Relate to how you feel like you can't know other's motives for sure. Relate how you can't trust that no one will find your online identity. Relate how others might judge you and hurt you. Relate how others might abandon you. Relate to fearing not knowing what can happen.

Well, see you around, Sceal.  :hug:

I will try to get back to you, Rocket. But right now, I have to write something else.  :hug:

---

They say you should breathe in and out in a calm manner, control your breathing. Distract yourself with something other than what is causing you emotional pain/distress. Take a step back and try to control your thoughts, before you deal with it. So that you can have a better perspective and not make any rash desicions.

They also say that if you control your breathing, distract yourself and try to control your thoughts that you are avoiding serious emotional and physical signals that your body is sending you that you should take seriously to avoid long-term problems.

These are both suggestions and points of view that has come out of research regarding dealing with stress, trauma and crisis. To me.. these are two oposite things to do. You can't do both at the same time. My DBT team would probably say something like "No situation is alike, and therefore different situations require different skills". But a triggering situation, or a stressful situation, or a re-traumatization all FEEL the same each time. So... how on earth am I supposed to know WHEN I should avoid the problem, and when I should "be in the moment"?  There's no guidelines for that, so how do I figure that one out?

I have avoidant personality due to my cPTSD, which is common in PTSD. But I also have avoidant personality connected to my mixed personality disorder. Which basically just underlines that avoidance is my strategy. It's how I've survived. There are many forms of avoiding things and people, and events.  It's not ideal, it's not even close to being good. But, how do I know? How do I know if my avoidance in any given situation is healthy, or if it is because I'm simply surviving?  Should I somehow stop avoidance all together? That would be problematic, as 90% of the time I'm not even aware that that's what I'm doing there and then.

I don't expect anyone to have the answer. Or have any idea of what the * I'm talking about, it's just thoughts and frustrations - because I can't figure it out. And I somehow think it would be easier if I did figure it out.

Dear Rocket,

You touched upon alot of things, all very important. Thank you. I want to touch upon the topic of working hard. I don't think I'm striving for perfection. I used to be a perfectionist who didn't believe in perfection. Because what is perfect for me, is not perfect for someone else and thus the concept is void. But I work hard. I work hard so I can perform. So my fears don't gain control and bubble to the surface. I talked about this with my SA lady today. That rewards are not rewards for me, because it instills an expectation that after given reward or praise I then have to worker harder still to gain a new reward or praise, or be worthy of it, and thus I'm constantly working harder to achieve approval - you can see how this turns rewards into punishments instead.
I would love to not perform. I would love to connect deeper and figure out what on earth is going on inside of me, on the core level. But I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to pause. Because it's too dangerous, and this is a habit too well grown in.

I'm rambling.
I also wanted to say, Rocket. Thank you for relating to me. it means alot.

---
The last two months have been heavy. A lot of memories, flashbacks, and flashforwards. A lot of inter-personal fears, difficult choices to make and accept. Alot of difficult conversations. Alot of fighitng my own brain for it turning to slightly "ocd" thought pattern. Alot of fighting my desire to worsen my eating disorder.

So today, I allow myself to be actually tired.
I'm tired. I'm worn out. Why go looking for a reason spesifically for today? I've been fighting for a while. No wonder I'm actually tired.
Not to mentioned that last night definitively left a toll on me.

So I am giving concent to be tired. I'm not going to yell at myself for being tired. it's okay.

so glad you can just let yourself be tired, sweetie.  all the issues you're looking at, all the emotions you're feeling, all the paranoia that's encroaching upon your life is exhausting to deal with.  it is tiring, and your body, brain, and mind all deserve to get some rest.

trying to figure all that stuff out can also be exhausting.  sometimes it will just come to us when we're not looking.  that may be what part of your resting will produce.  maybe not, but at least you'll get some rest that you need.  and that's a good thing in itself.

loving warm hug to you today and for as many days as you may need one, filled with soothing comfort and reassurance that you will get thru this and find you on the other side, even if it's a piece at a time.

It's okay to be tired, and I'm glad you're giving yourself some rest. I'm tired too, and I bet many of us here are.

Have a good rest,  :hug: .

It was nice to allow myself to be tired for a day. I wasn't so kind with myself today.

I am trying to be kind with myself. The hormonal levels are currently imbalanced and it's making me more vulnerable and miserable.
I hate the consequences of hormones, the bad side I mean. They are so powerful, and it just sucks!
I was also up at my moms today. Wonderful weather, walked the dog in a foresty area and that was nice itself. But talking to mom about clothes made me feel awful.
We do not have the same taste in clothes. And she's been thin all her life, even if she's felt chubby, she didn't get to that until after menopause. I struggle finding clothes that fit me AND that I enjoy wearing. I don't have a single item in my wardrobe that I actually enjoy wearing. I haven't had that since before I was 13, when I didn't care. But I do care.
Clothes are a part of a person's identity. It can show something about a person. But it doesn't show anything about me. People presume I'm feminine, because the only thing I get to wear are dresses and skirts. And I only like that in a blue moon.
I feel like a bumpy, big, knarly pumpkin everytime I go outside. I am not comfortable in this body. It's not my body.
And most people don't seem to understand how much of an impact it has on me on an everyday level. I get that I'm complaining, I get that I'm whining. But this is painful for me. It is. I don't wear make-up, I don't dress up my hair or wear high-heels. I am not a vain woman, but I do want to feel comfortable and I do want to feel occationally pretty, and I do want to feel like I too am allowed to walk outside without being a laughing stock because my clothes are between 2-10 years old, outdated, full of holes, and doesn't even look good on me. They just cover me up.

I'm ranting I know. Forgive me. Most of the time I try to push this issue away, away from my mind and my emotions. Away - so I don't have to deal with it. But occationally it pops back up. And it cuts deep every time. It just sucks.

sweetie, i didn't see any whining here, altho i certainly can relate to it feeling like that.  i'm just really glad you were able to bring this subject out in the open for yourself.  thank you for sharing.

clothes have been a struggle for me most of my life.  growing up rather poor, most of my clothes didn't fit properly or were homemade.  i have never been a fashion follower, because trends and fads tend to be expensive, and change so quickly that it's easy to be outdated in an eye blink.

i've been up and down with weight in my life, too, and currently am bigger than i've ever been.  i remember when my body began really getting sick - i blew up 4 sizes in 2 weeks.   my belly puffed out like i was pregnant, and even when i'd gained weight in the past, it had never happened like this.  i've since learned this is a peculiar physical trait in response to stress.

so, i also know the feeling of 'this is not my body', feeling so uncomfortable in it, buying clothes that really weren't me cuz someone else wanted to update me fashion-wise, and having a bunch of stuff i either don't look good in or doesn't suit me.  now that i'm writing this, i may just toss some stuff i haven't worn or don't really like.  what's the sense of keeping them around?

so, i dress as best i can, even tho in my mind's eye i look totally different than what i see in the mirror.  i think that's all we can do, really.  i work on accepting where i am physically, but that's not easy, and it's definitely taking its time to get there.  don't know if i ever will for sure.

anyway, my dear sceal, i want you to know that you're not alone with this, if that helps at all.  i'm writing it all off to c-ptsd so that i can feel a little less self-blaming, a bit more accepting.  i wear my own style, even tho often it's a throwback to the 60's.  that's where my heart resides, how i feel most comfortable. 

i'm also very sorry about the hormonal stuff.  you're right, they can wreak havoc with the best of our intentions, with our psyche, with both our personal and worldviews.   you're also right - it sucks.  so, i'll send you an un-sucking hug and lots of love. 

Sceal, I can't relate much. I've been insecure, but not of my looks, and comments of being physically beautiful or ugly has no effect on me. Though thinking of having a specific gender with my looks worries me, and I try not to think about it too much. Though, I've had friends who felt this way, and I've seen a lot of these kinds of issues online.

It must be hard really. Changing yourself physically is something incredibly difficult when it comes to weight. Not to mention other physical parts that can't be changed much because of genes. Unlike the things I'm insecure about which are often invisible traits, physical traits are easily seen. People can look at you and they'll know it, and you'll know they know it.

I've been introduced to cartooning before, and while I'm not that good at it (Things that aren't STEM or writing related is a little. . .), I often found it interesting how different body shapes are on characters. When looking at animation where everyone looks exactly the same isn't as interesting, and variety speaks to the talent of a cartoonist's ability to show the uniqueness of a character. 

Sometimes I observe people's different appearances from afar, and I like how different people are. I remember when reading about drawing, one artist talked about that when she drew, everything was beautiful. There's a counterintuitive drawing trick where people are supposed to draw a picture that's upside down. This is because they're more likely to see it purely as lines, shapes and shades rather than be prejudice to it of what you think it is.

The special thing about drawing is that they don't draw what they think is there. They draw what they really see is there.

To san and rocket :)
I know how to sew, I've sewn several items for myself. But I don't know how to make patterns, so it's still the same problem.
I don't fit.  Part of it is the weight, but most of it is that this body was used against my will. It's no longer mine. it doesn't belong to me. It's like a tumor I can't get rid of.
I am not comfortable. Most of the time I can't even feel large portions of my body. It just doesn't exist. But I see it. And it disgusts me.

---
I've been overeating. It's not comfortable. It's stupid. And I don't even know why.
I should analyze what's happening right before. But I barely notice my emotions. I don't feel empty, I don't feel numb. I just don't feel.
I think. I don't know how to describe this either.
I feel at the lack of words these days. My friend asked me why I have the need to constantly perform - and I don't know. But everything is a performance. Every social engagement, my meals, going to the gym, my conversations at the SA centre and with my T, my art, my writing in my journal. And by performance: I mean that I have to be prepared, I have to do my best, it has to be good enough, smart enough, engaged enough.. I just generally have to succeed. I don't know where it all started, or if it's still part of a habit I picked up so I wouldn't be found out when I started getting sick for real. Or maybe it's shame in the driving seat. My friend says it sounds exhausting. And it is. I should figure out where it comes from, and how to adjust my habits and thinking. I try to be open and vulnerable in my sessions with my T, so I don't shut her and myself out from me. Because I do that. I avoid myself as much as I avoid everything else.
It's not very theraputic, but it works as a survival technique. The only problem is, i'm not in danger at the moment. I don't need to simply JUST survive. I do this during good periods too, the performing. It just taxes me less. My friend thinks I should bring it up with my T, but I worry that it'll be a distraction from the trauma-therapy. And that is what I should focus on, not all of these other quirks and weirdnesses, struggles and problems.

Hi Sceal,
I haven't finished reading your journal so my comment might be inadequate and I apologize in advance for that.
It may not be the same, but I feel the necessity to perform too, like there is no room or space for mistake, or it just feels safer to me when people do not see what is real me, and the real me should not see light until I fix the "wrongness" that might cause my existence to not be tolerated any more. Like you said, it is extremely taxing and exhausting, but the urge to survive is strong even when the mind knows there is no immediate danger. At the beginning of my sessions of my T, I often think very carefully about what I want to say so that it would maintain some kind of "better image" of me as a patient (so that she will not refer me to someone else or dump me). It took a while before I open up to her without this "precursor", and it worked out in a semi-natural way. Maybe your friend thought it is related to trauma and hence the suggestion, but if you don't feel the timing is right or you are in the process of being open in front of your T, it does not need to be addressed yet. Or if something bothers you at the moment in the session with her, it might be ok to describe the specific feeling a little bit without the distraction? In any case I hope your session will go well the way you like it to be, and here is a hug I hope you won't mind.
Camille

I'm sorry you're still digusted with yourself. Maybe my comment was being pathetic and I was being terrible. I'm sorry for that.

I get the need to perform too sometimes. I get the sense that what I say is interesting. That what I accomplish and do should be best all the time. I don't overwork anymore, but I still have that nagging voice in my head that I should. I thought back then I was deeply loved, but much of the love seemed to be for my accomplishments, not me.

I don't know if it will ever go away, but I hope you can heal on this, Sceal. I don't know. Maybe.

See you.

Hi Camille!
Thank you for reading my journal, and for writing back to me. I deeply apprechiate that.
I can relate to wanting to appear as a "better" patient at my T, with the same reasons as you - but also to avoid being a taxation on her. So she doesn't get burnt out because of me. I don't want to be labelled as a "difficult" patient. At the same time I don't want to be labelled as a patient who can handle the world on her own either. Because, I can't.  I'm very open with my T if she asks me directly. She once said "I am not sure if you trust me fully, am I right?" and I told her she was right - but I couldn't tell her the reason yet because I didn't know why. And recently when we delved into my first trauma I felt so exposed and so ashamed I had serious trouble looking at her, or even being in her office. And she called me a few days later asking how I was and I told her that I am scared of meeting her again, because now she nows. I'm afraid she'll judge me.  So, in that way I'm open with her. But I still have to prepare for each session, and it stresses me when I don't know what next session will be about. When there's no plan on my side. I'm not always able to describe the emotions going through me, and sometimes I can't speak at all. It's like I'm tongue tied. But I then I tell her later. In a letter.
I would love a hug tonight, thank you! And one back to you, if you want and/or need one :) Thank you again.

Hi Rocket,
your comment weren't pathetic, and you weren't being terrible. There is no need to apologize :) I didn't explain it well enough the first time around. I feel I stumble with words these days. I can't express what's going on in my head or heart properly.

I can relate to getting love, or in my case more acknolwedgement, for my accomplishments and that it's not really me. My SA lady has encouraged me to take a break from accomplishments for a while. I'm now pausing my education. And the moment I did so I jumped back on other "accomplishments", I guess it's a big signal to me that I really need to take a break. A proper break. Although, I feel like I'll be labelled a spoiled brat who doesn't know hardships, who doesn't know how it is to work 40 hrs+ a week. And that's true. I've never held a job for 40+ hrs a week, not a "proper" job anyway. My book was more than 40hrs a week, but that was enjoyable. So I feel I can't justify taking a break.  Maybe it has to do with identity? Because who are we behind the accomplishments? Who are we outside of work, education, cPTSD?
I don't know who I am. Do you know who you are outside of these things?

----
I've started on my father's birthday present. It's just going to be a drawing of his boat. It's not very good. It wont be. I simply aim to finish it in time. And I hope he will be happy for it. It's both something I need to perform at, skill wise in art, but more so to pick up the habit of creating anything. Finishing something again. Doing it for someone else, with a purpose seems to help.
I've started sketching again. just simple shapes of women. Trying to get the flow of a full sized human body without making them stiff. it's difficult. I'm judgemental. But I also know that I need to practice to become better. And I know I can become better if I keep at it. And I know that it isn't good enough yet - I know this because I haven't practiced enough and because it's the truth. It's not just the inner critic.

I feel calm today. A semi-silent argument with my M found it's sollution earlier today. She started new medication a few weeks ago, and it's been helping her. It's making her less agressive. It's good. I hope it continues this way.

sceal, may i suggest that your 'performing' is, in fact, a part of your trauma, and is completely valid as something to bring up with your t.  i would guess it has been something you learned to do a long time ago in order to be looked on as 'ok' by someone else.  it's something that takes you away from your true self, which, in trauma victims, has never been good enough to the people we relied on for our care and support.

i'd like to also say that it is not your job to take care of your t, but the other way around.  i've learned a long time ago there are no difficult or resistant clients.  rather, their choices and behaviors are valuable information to help the t plan and implement the best possible help for you.  t's can do their jobs better the more real you are able to be, including telling them that you're not being real and why. 

as far as burnout, t's know that the job is stressful going into it.  it's up to them to take care of themselves - it's not your job.  this is your therapy, and it's their job to deal with whatever comes up.  they need their own support system for that, not hoping that their clients will look out for them. 

i only want the best help you can get - you so deserve that.  your courage in going to therapy in the first place is to be applauded.   you've been doing a good job at being honest so far.  hopefully, when you're ready, to can take the next step in being real with your t.   warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.  i hope your next session goes well.

It's okay if you can't explain yourself, Sceal. When I'm stressed, I can't do much of the same for myself either. Besides, I was recovering from an EF and I tend to blame myself for the most arbitrary things when it happens.

Do I know who I am outside of these things? Well, if you asked me now, I would know, but to maintain that awareness of me through everyday life is more difficult for me. Being aware of what everyday tasks I want to do, being aware of my own opinions of how to judge myself as I observe others in a day, and being able to trust myself for it? It's tough.

I remember tea-the-artist having a similar question in her journal, and you could check her recent entries for my long response to that. Does it have something to do with our need for accomplishments? Yes, probably. The need lessens as I'm more aware of my own inner logic, not the type of close minded logic the world always gives. (Or inner heart for some other people, sure.)

I realized this from Enneagram - which is like Pete Walker's 4Fs in that it types people's responses to trauma, but this one types people's responses to shame, fear and anger. So we have 3 types each, and enneagram 3 is the type who works hard to create their own accomplishments to defeat their shame.

Well, is there a long term goal in life you'd like to do just for yourself? Not for acknowledgement, work or formal education? I know myself because I treat the goal of learning random interests and hobbies for fun as an essential life goal when others wouldn't see it as "practical" or "important". I hear a lot of creative people who feel forced to perform for it start being creative for themselves, not just others. Not that external motivations are bad, but there needs to be a balance.

I am happy that you know who you are. It must be nice. It's a work in progress for me. I hope I'll figure it out one day. :)

As for long term goals? I used to have so many. They were all big, and all had to do with accomplishments.
But for me, on my own, without impressing anyone else... There is nothing. Except, perhaps to own my own home. To create a home that feels like a safe haven and feels like a home.

I was in town with my M yesterday. I can't remember the last time I went to town with her on my own, without her grumbling about being dragged to town. But this was at her suggestion. She's been doing alot better the last few weeks. She's smiling and laughing again. Her aggression level has reduced tremendously. She's more relaxed. It's good. I hope it continues this way. I am still on edge though when I go see her. Will it be strained? Will I be blamed for something? Will the conversation get heated? Will she get angry at something/someone (not me)?  But it was good. We went to two stores and didn't find what we were looking for. And then we went to have a cup of coffee. And we talked about childhood stuff. I said I had my dad wrapped around my finger when I was a child, she said I still do. That surprised me. I thought he was more familiar with my sister now. They keep hanging out and going for walks and hikes together. I don't join them because the expectation of performance wears me out before we even get started.
But it was a nice conversation.

I was at group today. Two weeks since last time. It was a good session. I was the primary talker amongst the patients asking questions.
And I have come to a conclusion. My lack of connection to my emotions is most likely a result of being in the lower border of my tolerance window and often below it. That it's a survival mechanism. I haven't quite figured out if it is part of a dissociate state or not.
Dissociation is confusing for me. My own experiences doesn't always match up with what other describes their experiences are like. And that makes me wonder if my experiences is something else than dissociation? If so, what is it?
I have to try and read up on it and ask pointed questions. I just don't want to Google because it leads to too much confusing information and it wears me out.

I also got a phone call from the hospital. My T sent them a letter to postpone the surgery due to trauma therapy. I was worried I had to wait another 2 years after my T gives the green light. But the lady told me they will get me in as soon as they can after the green light is given.

the primary talker in group?  my my my, sceal, how much progress that shows you've made.  i'm so very happy for you.

you know, i think the idea of creating your own safe home space is a wonderful project to become involved in.  especially with that 'having to impress' expectation you're working with.  home just for you, safe just for you.  pleasing just you.  i think that's not only lovely but important.  we all deserve a safe space in which to live.

best to you with the green light dynamic.  i think your trauma therapy is very important, and also that one on top of the other before you're ready for all that surgery entails could be counter-productive.  it sounds like it's not emergency surgery, so i'm glad you have the time to become ready for it.

warm, loving hug to you, sweetie. 

Thank you San. I was speaking in a very low voice today, but I did most of the speaking. It's not the first time, I sometimes do it. Sometimes because I have a good day, or the topic is interessting and I enter into "work-mode". But more often than not it's because one of the two group leaders keep asking me to share my homework (they ask others too, but when no one wants to they smile so charmingly at me), and ask me to read (though that's mostly to ground me when I start fading). But today was voulentary. It was all me.

I was also wearing my Ravenclaw socks from Harry Potter. Somehow that tends to give me a boost. :D

I wish I could create that home-space, San. I really do. I've been yearning for it for 16 years now. But I can't afford it. I can't afford to rent alone, and even if I could.. It wouldn't be mine. I wouldn't be able to paint the way I'd like to. Or to have a cat as a pet. Or I wouldn't be able to decorate the way I'd like to - because it'd be temporary. But I'm not viable at the bank, and it doesn't seem like anything is going to change in that department for a very, very long time.

My surgery isn't an emergency no. I've been on the waitlist for 2.5 years now, waiting a little bit longer is okay. Me and my T discussed the surgery and trauma therapy. She told me I wouldn't be able to do both at once, it would be too difficult. As the surgery is quite invasive and it'll require alot from me afterwards. She said it had nothing to do with me, it's just the combination. She asked me what was most important to me. And it is trauma therapy. It is. I am hoping that getting past the traumas (if that is possible) will help me live a more productive, wholehearted life that is worth all these fights and uphill battles. The surgery will have an impact on that as well, as well as my health on a whole. But no surgery comes without risk.

My brain is turned on today. I don't know if it is because group is back on the schedule again, or if the conversation at the SA center is doing it's magic, or if it's because I've been at the gym 3 times the past 4 days... Or if it's because of the Ravenclaw socks.
But it feels good to have my brain turned back on.

My SA lady today suggested I make a list of all the things I wish I could take up with my T, and then bring it to my T. And let my T help me figure out which is currently worthwile to pursue and which will just interfer with my trauma therapy. That is what I want to focus on, the trauma therapy. But life outside the therapy room will continue to happen, and life will affect me in various ways. And questions, issues and concerns will become clear to me and make itself known. Like the performance/achievement thing. Or the dissociative questions, or the avoidance questions, or the food questions. And all the underlying questions.

Quote from: Sceal on April 04, 2018, 06:36:00 PM
I was also wearing my Ravenclaw socks from Harry Potter. Somehow that tends to give me a boost. :D

Hi Sceal, You mentioning your Ravenclaw socks from Harry Potter made me smile. 

:hug: to you and glad that your brain feels like it's turned on again - I feel sure it is more than just your socks that have had that effect.   :)

Hope  :)

Hope, a big  :hug: to you too. :)

The socks has made me smile several times today too :)
I hope my brain being turned on will last for a few more days. I get way more effective and productive this way. And I got some writing to my T to be done, and that's best done in this mode!

Though, I wonder what's the deeper reason you want a safe space for your home, Sceal? A businessman might want the goal to become rich for him to travel the world with his family, though what he really wants the most is just time spent with his family. It's a more encompassing and easier goal to do, huh? There's a problem solving technique on asking 5 whys to find the deeper reason on things, and I bet it can figure out emotional problems as much as logical ones.

Nice to hear that you're clarifying what you want in therapy. I like the Ravenclaw socks too. I binged on the Harry Potter book series before and I don't regret it.  :hug:

Rocket, I know why I want and need a home to call my own. I don't need to explore it further or deeper.
I still binge on Harry Potter. Both the books and the movies. I'm going to Harry Potter world in about a month, and it will be the highlight of the year. I kid you not!
:hug:

Today has been a very, very long day.
I've written a little bit about it at other places on the forum, but I'm just going to try and let it all out here too.

Though I will start to say that I've noticed something - being given advice these days bothers me. Especially when I'm not pointedly using the words " I need advice on this, could you help me on this matter?". I don't know why it bothers me, I haven't figured it out yet. But it makes me more and more distant to the people who keeps giving me advice these days. It's not the first time I get in this mode, and it will pass. But it is here now.

Yesterday was a good day, which meant that I got to process alot of things. I thought about a lot of things, I wrote down questions, thoughts and musings. And I've started on my longer letter to my T compiling these questions and events that's transpired since last session. So she can help me sift through what's important to continue dealing with and what I can do on my own time - so to speak.
And I often forget that those kinds of day gives me hangovers. They are exhausting, they wear me out. And it's not really surprising they do - but I forget. And I forgot today.

I woke up early. Started doing some art for a few friends, and I helped another friend with some creative things before I was heading out to meet a personal trainer for the first time. I won a free consultation. What I also forgot is that talking about my body with a stranger is triggering for me. It's shameful, extremely so. But I'm so out of contact with my emotions these days that I didn't register the toll it took on me. We talked about food, my confusion and me touching upon the eating disorder. With this complete stranger. We talked about how to improve my workout schedule so I can benefit properly and how changes can be made to last rather than becoming a jo-jo dieter or up and down in weight and prolonging the joy of working out. I walked out of there with my head exploding with information. I walked down to town (approximate 20 minutes in my slow pace) and headed to the SA center to write down my thoughts.
I ended up being social with some of the other users of the center - which I rarely do. Sometimes, but always very carefully. Today I was more active. It was good, we were preparing vegetable seeds for growing. They are going to a farm soon, and going to bring the seeds with them to plant properly in the ground. But such interactins, no matter how nice, is taxing for me. I am still very much an introvert who needs quiet time.

Then I had the gallery opening. And the phone call to my mother, realizing they weren't coming and I had to face this all on my own. Realizing she'd forgotten (for real, she wasn't covering it up with a poorly made lie this time -which is what she usually does), and the hurt that came with it that I didn't want to feel too much upon - resulting in a prolongued medium anxiety attack. You know, the kind that lasts for a long time, but is not so huge that it puts you completely out of work there and then.  You stop breathing, and you stop working, but you're somehow able to perform. For a limited time.
It was overwhelming at the gallery and I left shortly after. I did it though. I am trying to remind myself that I did walk though the door on my own. Without any support system. Without anyone holding my mental hand. I walked through the door eventhough people had bailed on me. And I was very much alone in an extremly social situation that I couldn't deal with.
I even patted myself on the shoulder in public, to remind myself that I should be proud that I did it, despite it being difficult.

But I feel nothing. I don't feel any accomplishments. I don't feel pride, I don't feel relief or joy, I don't feel shame or sadness or irritation. I feel nothing.
And that sucks. It sucks I cannot accept that it was difficult but yet I did it.

I  went back to the SA center afterwards, and isolated myself in chair away from the others. One of the people working there eventually came over to me. She likes to push me in a friendly manner when I'm there during thursdays. I told her I wasn't able to be social with the others this time. I wasn't really doing so well. So we talked loosely about it. She said it is perfectly normal that in the beginning of trauma therapy that the emotions dissapear. It's a way of coping, a way of surviving. And that eventually they will come back, and they will intensify -and it will be awful. It sounds awful. Not sure I want that. but down the line - through all of this, I will be able to keep my emotions at a  balanced level. Normal level. I will be able to feel the entire spectrum of them without being so overwhelmed I either push them away or they break me down. That seems far, far away. Because I don't know how to turn them on. I really don't.  And I'm wondering if my subconcious don't want to? Maybe I don't want to, because I don't know if I can control them in social settings? Just a thought that hit me on the head right now.

So much more to say to be honest, but I am wearing myself more and more thin. I should go to bed and dissapear for a few hours while the body rests.

Hi Sceal. Sorry if I ever give you more advice than you feel you need. I don't pick things up as well as other people, so I'm glad you said it directly.

I can relate to my emotions numbing sometimes. I get the sense that I should feel something, but I can't. Even the frustration of having to feel something feels too weak. To tell you the truth, I'm scared about feeling my emotions sometimes. From experience, there's a lot of emotion unexpressed and waiting to come out inside me, and knowing what it could cause is scary.

It's strange. In a way, I want these emotions to come out and feel relief after. On the other hand, I'm scared of feeling them in the first place. The cognitive dissonance really makes it more confusing.

Anyway, take care. I know how bad your eating disorder can be, and your need for perfection. So I'm glad you're giving yourself rest. That's good self care.

:hug:

i'm also glad you stated what you did about getting unsolicited advice, sceal.  sounds strong and empowering to me.

i understand about the safe home situation.  i'm in a temporary situation now myself, and probably will be till the end.  i guess i was thinking about the room i rent now (in someone else's house), and how i make it my own just by making sure i have my 'things' surrounding me.  they all remind me of a good time in my life, or something meaningful just to me.

like my books - and yes, i have all the harry potter books, have read them umpteen times, have hp pop-up books, but i have no socks!  i got a big smile on my face when i read that.  you go, girl!  alice in wonderland is my other go-to fav book, and i have loads of alice stuff.  i can't believe you're getting to go to hp world - i've just been thinking about going there myself in the future.  it's one of my goals.  have a wonderful, wonderful time.

love and a big hug, sweetie.  i loved your pat on the shoulder at the gallery, too.  well done!

hey, sceal - day 8 for me.  still standing right next to you if it helps.  one day at a time.  thinking of you.  love and hugs.

Hi Rocket,
I'm just in a period where too much advice will work against it's purpose.
I understand the fear of emotions. I fear some emotions, or rather not the emotions - but the consequences that may come with them. If I get extremely sad over time - it may cause me to cry in public, or it may cause me to eat more, or it may cause me to lose interest in everything. It's not ideal.  The other emotions have other consequences.

Hi San,
Harry Potter has been a comfort to me through various hard times. They are easy to read, and easy to find important characters to relate too. I love fantasy books, more than many other genre. I was hard for me when I had to get rid of most of my books, even if they were just books I were never going to read again, and not very good books.

I unfortunatedly didn't make it to 8 days. I faltered at the 5th day. The being abandoned at the gallery opening cost me too much. And now I got cravings again. I think it's because i'm worn out. Mentally and physically, and I don't like feeling depleted. And quick carbs often makes one regain energy quickly, or the illusion of it. And it doesn't help at all.

honey, no matter.  i can't tell you how many times i've slipped up on this particular quest, backslid, went on a sugar binge for days before righting myself, so to speak, and getting back on that horse.  not before i was ready, tho, and i don't doubt that you'll do the same when you're ready.  nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about - we all do it. 

that gallery thing was a biggie, too, and so emotional for you.  please, don't beat yourself up (is that advice?  i'm just saying that cuz i care about you.  if you don't like it, ignore it, ok?)  we're struggling with this beast, grabbing it by the horns at times, while at other times it bites us in the butt, and we have to re-group, pull ourselves back together, and go at it once again.

i just heard someone say that failure isn't falling down, but not getting back up again.   i see you get up over and over again.  you've got that warrior spirit within you, even if you can't always feel it.  i hope you can be gentle with yourself and know that you're not alone in falling with these things.  love you, sweetie.  sending a big hug full of gears and pulleys.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 07, 2018, 09:51:21 PM
honey, no matter.  i can't tell you how many times i've slipped up on this particular quest, backslid, went on a sugar binge for days before righting myself, so to speak, and getting back on that horse.  not before i was ready, tho, and i don't doubt that you'll do the same when you're ready.  nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about - we all do it. 

that gallery thing was a biggie, too, and so emotional for you.  please, don't beat yourself up (is that advice?  i'm just saying that cuz i care about you.  if you don't like it, ignore it, ok?)  we're struggling with this beast, grabbing it by the horns at times, while at other times it bites us in the butt, and we have to re-group, pull ourselves back together, and go at it once again.

i just heard someone say that failure isn't falling down, but not getting back up again.   i see you get up over and over again.  you've got that warrior spirit within you, even if you can't always feel it.  i hope you can be gentle with yourself and know that you're not alone in falling with these things.  love you, sweetie.  sending a big hug full of gears and pulleys.

I usually have to eat so much sugar in one setting I feel sick and tired of it all. That usually works for longer period for me. To overdo it, makes me feel so disgusted that I can't bare to touch it again. But this time it didn't work. Either because I didn't eat enough, or because the last week was just too hard. Or maybe both. I guess I could analyze it, but that too wears me out, and it's not very tempting to become even more worn out - eventhough perhaps it might help me in the long run. I'll think of it.
I did however manage to avoid going to the store and buy more snacks yesterday. Hopefully I can continue this way.  Just wait it out.

And no, honey, that wasn't advice. That was something else. I'm perfectly okay with those kinds of sentiments.  :hug: Thank you.

The other day someone said I am so resourcefull, I've heard it before. More times than I can count. And it's a compliment, I mean it's a good thing right? To be resourceful? But my brain doesn't agree that I am. If I were, wouldn't I be better by now? I've fought this for so many years. If I were truly resourceful shouldn't I have moved on, or be able to use my past as some kind of way to help others, or I don't know.. Something?

I'm not really suffering right now, as I don't really feel anything. I still get thoughts and questions though. I guess without emotions, I also don't have hope for the future. There's no hope that I will actually make it.  But is that an emotion? Lacking hope? Or is hope the emotion?
It's confusing.

isn't resourceful something that means you can take a situation and look at it from different angles, figure out various ways to come at a problem, something like that?  that's my take on it, and i think you do just that.  you are making progress, even if you can't see it at times. 

this isn't a race, there are no judges here to tell you what you 'should' have accomplished by now.  it's so different for everyone.  you've been speaking up more often in group lately, have been running out less.  that's progress.  we don't have to leap over tall buildings at a single bound to realize progress.  that only happens in comic books.

the fact that you didn't buy sweet treats on this last trip to the market is progress.  it comes slowly at times, spits and spurts, but it all counts.  no matter how many steps back we may take at times, we always know that our forward movement was something we accomplished at least once, so we can get there again.

your voice here also sounds stronger.  more progress.  i see it all over the place with you.  love and hugs.

Thank you for the reminder, San.  :hug:

---
Dad called me the other day, super excited, asking if I wanted to hang out. Which is something he never does. I wasn't feeling up to it at the time, and asked if we could postpone a day. Which was fine by him. We went to have dinner on a diner (something that doesn't really exist here), the food wasn't amazing, but just passed for okay. I had suspected he had an alterior motive, I kept waiting for him to bring it up. But he never did.  I am still suspicious, but I think I will invite him to go do something next time. See if it can strengthen our relationship.  I've worked on his birthday present. It's a drawing of his boat, nothing amazing. But I hope he'll like it. And I hope he'll replace the other poorly boat-drawn drawing he has.  :whistling:

I worked out at the gym again yesterday. And it felt uninspired moving out of my home and down to town. But the workout picked me up. Although today I can feel I pushed it a bit too hard. I don't have an injury yet, but my muscles are sore - which is normally fine. But they are a bit too sore, and my energy has been utterly depleted. So I ended up eating a litre of ice-cream and loads of pasta. Not great choices, but at the time I didn't care. I still don't. Because I feel nothing. Not even shame. I've written it down on the week-chart that I bring my therapist, that the past 4 days there has been no shame. But it's just because there has litterally been no emotions. Usually within a day shame pops up. I am tempted to write shame in, because I fear she's going to misunderstand. But then, would that be lying, or would it just be that I have been unable to reckognize any shame? My focus has been generally low, so it wouldn't be strange to assume I've dissociated and simply forgotten.
i don't know.

I'm writing her the letter for tomorrow. It'll be over 3 weeks since I last saw or spoke with her. And suddenly I feel unprepared. I feel I used to have more questions for her, but they are just gone. Because I don't care?

A lady at SA centre last week said that she could see I've lost hope for a better future, but she'll hold the hope for me for a while until I'm ready to take it back. It was a nice sentiment. But I also think she's right. I don't have hope at the moment. I can't see the future, I don't even care about the future. I don't want anything. My education means nothing anymore. Me not having a job doesn't mean anything. But I'm not sad.
I just can't see it.

might babble again later tonight here. we'll see.

Finished the birthday gift for dad today. It's another two weeks until his birthday. But I think I'll just give it today.
I'm not very good at giving gifts at the day they are supposed to be given. It's a mixture of wanting to get it over with, and also I hope he'll be honestly satisfied with it.

Technically supposed to do a lot today. unsure if my energy levels are back up for that. There's a fog outside, the news says that spring will finally be here once the fog subsides. We'll see about that. It's more or less pointless to trust the weather rapport in my city. We can have all four seasons within a day. And that's something that occurs relatively often. But going outside in fresh air will be nice. I probably need it.

Shoot, I'll just get the day started - not like i have anything better to do.

sceal, sweetie, i have a feeling you need a break.  that's one of my telltale signs is when i feel depleted and don't care. 

i think it's so cool that you painted a gift for your dad.  i love those kinds of gifts - they're my favorite.  i have several drawings, prints, sketches from otherss - my fav kind of art.  when i get a place where i have more than one room, i'm sure i'll put them all up.  here, i only have 2, but they're from native american artists and have a strong spiritual aspect to them.  soothing. 

i also have some other art from various places that are special to me as well.  it's a gift that keeps on giving, to my mind.   i'm just glad you're still actively pursuing your passion? is it?  sounds like it. 

love and hugs.  glad you're still moving, even if you're not feeling much of anything right now.

 :hug: to you Sceal, and I hope your dad likes your painting that you've done for him.  I am sure it would be a wonderful gift.

Hope you are ok.

Hope  :)

Thank you San and Hope :)
My dad did like the drawing, my mom too. I'm not sure I've heard my mom compliment my art when she didn't know I was standing within earshot. It was new.
It's not a drawing I'm overly proud of, it's a subject theme I don't enjoy doing. Not because it's bad - it's just not fun for me.
Not sure if I would call art a passion, but more a need. I need to create, and I need people to apprechiate it and compliment me for it. Although, that also leads to a negative side of it. I never feel good enough, and I rarely if ever trust the feedback I get. Especially if it's overly positive. I think it's a side-effect of having worked alongside so many artist from around the world (independently) trying to improve and cheering each other on. And knowing where the standard goes in certain areas of the industry. An industry I'm not good enough to enter into, and also an industry that doesn't exist in my own country. Not to that degree anyway.

I brought along my letter to my T today. It touched upon different subjects but she wanted to focus on the dissociation and my questions around that. She started drawing on the white-board, she knows I like it when she gets technical and theoretical - because then I don't have to search within me so much. It doesn't have to have anything to do directly with me always, it can lead to hyptheticals. Of course, it's a bad habit of mine to control the conversations in that direction. So I let her steer it back to me on the examples she used.
She tried to explain The Self, the part of me that deals with everydaylife, that deals with the academic, the bills, the shopping, my calendar, working out etc. All the main activities during the day.  And then she went into the other parts, the confusing parts. The dissociative parts, that doesn't really have a name. Though we named them after emotions. In my case. Shame, Fear, Anger. And she told me that once these each had individual purposes, to make me survive. Shame tends to make me "fade out" mentally, because I can't fight or physically flee. Fear tends to make me flighty in the sense that I become like everyone else, await for the threatning person to do their thing and I'll do whatever I can to not stick out. And Anger... well, I don't have any contact with anger. I get annoyed and irritated like everyone else.. But angry? No. Every single part of me rejects anger. Drawing lines towards flight, fight and freeze reaction as well as tolerance window. And that they are somewhat seperate from The Self, but still part of me. Just a different part of me that has different needs. And sometimes they get triggered and they pop up into the foreground overshadowing The Self.
It's confusing.
And while writing this down I felt I had it figured out, but then I re-read what I wrote and now I'm back at being confused. Hopefully one day I'll get it. And hopefully soon, I worry I wont be able to re-integrate these other parts into The Self without knowing and understanding this whole thing.

She kept asking me and looking at me for reactions. And I felt I fell short of her expectations. I had no reaction. I felt nothing. No provocation, no disagreement, no relief, no rejoice. It was like trying to understand a recipe of something advanced, like.. knitting or fancy embroderies. (I picked crafty recipe's for comparison because I have serious trouble reading them and following them whenever I try. Just so no one things it's a metaphor for intertwining lines and such) Should I have reacted? Does my lack of reaction mean something? If so- then what?  She said that sometimes people start reacting emotionally when talking about this, or they start dissociating. And I didn't.  I guess there's no right or wrong here. But it confuses me.
I asked her if there was a "general rule" about how long an episode can last. She said it could be a few seconds to a few days.

I asked her if dissociation and an EF is much the same, because the way it's described to me... it sounds alot similar. It's easier for me to tell when I'm in a flashback, or afterwards, if it's a visual one.

So, lots of thoughts. Lots of confusion.
It's getting close to being late here, and I have homework to do for DBT group tomorrow. Time to get on it.

since there is no right or wrong way to do therapy, the fact that you had no reaction is just more information gathered about you.  hopefully, she was able to pick up on the fact that you were confused.  that was a lot of information to toss out at once - i'd be confused, too.

perhaps, something like that just needs to be presented more slowly, like going into depth about one part at a time until you're able to understand it.  i know that when i'm in the doc's office, and they do that kind of thing, i stop them, go back to the last thing i understood, and have them repeat, maybe explain from more than one angle till i get it.  and sometimes it still doesn't work and i'm still confused.

so, no, i don't believe there should be any expectations on you to react or not.  this brain/mind stuff is very dense and intense.  yeah, some people may react emotionally to what she told you, but you're not them.  i hope you can discuss this confusion with her next time, and decide it you want to understand it further or not.   if so, hopefully she'll find a way to be able to explain it differently,  if not, it just may not be the right time to go into this for you.

i had an artist friend who also had some of the same feelings about her work.  all i know is that any of the creative arts are risky because they come from within you and they are judged by those outside you.  i think all that we creative types can do is the best we can, and do it ultimately because we enjoy doing it, love to do it, or need it to be done.   i give you a lot of credit, sceal, for putting yourself out there.  your art is an expression of you, and to my mind, that's always wonderful.

love and hugs, my dear, love and hugs.

Thank you San, for your kind words. I will re-read them later when I'm capable of it.

---
The group today was difficult, in another way than usual. We were going through skills to handle crisis situations. The skills we were going through today were:
Temperature change
Intense activity
Breathing
Progressive muscle tension and relaxing.

They are all good stuff, for when you're over activated. But I'm underactivated, or on the lower edge of my tolerance window. And all of these things that we did worked against it's purpose. It made me feel bad. Stomach ache, chest tightening, muscles tightening in my jaw, neck and shoulders and I gained a headache. But more than that, I felt dismay of my body. Shame, I suppose. Body shame. It wasn't very clear, this emotion, since I block out emotions so much these days. But my logically brain says that it was, I mean is, shame. Shame and disgust. I tried eating lunch, incase it'd help. It didn't. It ofcourse made it worse. I eventually managed to get my sorry * to the gym. I didn't do it very well. But I went. And I'm trying to acknowledge that.
My headache went away after the gym. But my self-esteem too a hit.

I hope tonight will be better. Or that tomorrow will be good.

you know, those kinds of suggestions often work differently for different people.  it may have been too much too fast for you.  or you may have needed to only focus on one at a time, take a break before going on to the next.  all of this is one learning experience after another.  learning what works for us, what doesn't, how much, when, and on and on. 

i learned that yoga does not fit for me the way it does for others.  i have too much toxin in my muscles from absorbed emotions (my own diagnosis - at any rate, my muscles carry a lot of pain) so doing simple stretches, rather than relaxing me puts me in more pain.  the only yoga i've success with is yoga for trauma, and even some of that is too much. 

so, we keep trying and learning and allow ourselves to be just who we are.  i think that's the best we can do.

congrats to you for going to the gym.  you did fine, just what you needed to do.  it may not have been the same as what others do, but it is good just for you.  love and hugs, sweetie.

It wasn't as much as learning new tools for me, this is my third round on this topic. I've been through it before. Several times, and  I've done them on my own too. But that was when I was more hypervigilant and constantly on guard and over-actviated and more above my tolerance window. I guess I experienced that they work best for me in those situations rather than when I'm underactivated as I am now.  It's good to know I suppose.

I'm calmer now. I've distracted myself for the past 6 hours though.

I can't do yoga either. I'm mobile in some muscles, but not in the positions and angles that yoga makes you do. Perhaps disconnecting from the body so much also makes it difficult to perfom those poses too. I didn't even know there were spesific yoga for trauma.

yeah, i think that's a good thing to know.

i looked up trauma yoga on youtube.  that's how i found some that worked for me.  it's something that might be a good idea to explore again.  it was really very gentle, like lying flat and moving your feet back and forth.  small movements that were simple and straightforward. 

glad you wrote something that brought this to my attention again.  thanks, doll.   :hug:

I agree with San that things are different for all of us.

I don't enjoy yoga much either. I've done different more mobile types of body work. I guess it's because I feel more comforted being in my head and my ideas than doing something physical. I stll need exercise of course, but I don't do it for emotional healing.

I guess people have different mediums of healing. Some directly emotional, some logical, some physical, some with people or some alone. It's a combination of all for us, I bet, but I guess some parts are strengths and some are weaknesses we need to work on.

Anyway, take care.  :hug: