Sceal's Journal

[Blueberry]

Yes, sounds like an emotionally-busy week. Progress and realisations, and the strength to get up on Friday and do good things for yourself.   

[DecimalRocket]

Sceal. I really admire the progress you're doing - even if it's not perfect. I still cry regularly when self compassion gets hard so I understand what you mean by "hitting a wall". Often I don't know how thick the wall is from the angle I see it.

When I first tried being aware of my body, I didn't see the point of it. But there's something about being grounded in the body that allows people to dissociate less. Unlike our thoughts sometimes, our bodies are fully real and we have a point of reference to focus on in reality. Interesting.

Sorry you broke your ankle. But if you can find peace once on the ice, then maybe you can slowly find peace in other areas.

[Sceal]

On tuesday I have to talk about my first trauma. It'll be the first time I ever talk about it.
I'm scared.

My homework was to remember my resources, and practice them. Problem is... I don't recall what they are.
I know it's a resource that I don't give up easily. That I try to find new sollutions, or new paths, or have become better at taking breaks. I know it's a resource that I enjoy reading books, and writing, and generally creating. That I can enjoy a walk in the forest, or go ice-skating.. But... The other ones.. the ones that are a part of ME, I don't remember.  I should have written it down.. But I didn't.

[sanmagic7]

may i suggest some that i've seen in you?

intelligence

comprehension

perseverance

determination

strength

courage

willingness to continue moving

not giving up

vulnerability

daring to attempt something new

ability to change and/or adjust

continuing to progress even when you are scared.

if you need more, i'm sure i can find some.  i thought that might be enough to begin with.  it's not often that we can find our own personal resources - they weren't shown or pointed out to us along the way.  in fact, quite the opposite.   you've been practicing them right along, too.  the fact that you're also a very caring person counts for a lot as well.

best to you with tackling this next phase.  with you in spirit, sweetie.  love and a warm, caring hug to you.

[Sceal]

Wow, San. Thank you so much.
Those words mean alot to me. I will let them sit with me for a while, and let it sink in. 

----

Going to my T later, I'm nervous. And I'm hoping I'll be able to do some work of some kind later during the day. Though I think I'll try and do some studying before I go. I finally opened the books yesterday for the subject I actually have this semester. I've barely opened the books yet, and I'm far behind. But the exam for this semester is in a month, and I have ALOT to catch up on, yet still... It'll be an exam over two days, at home. With all the resources that I want or need.

In a little over a month I'll travel to the hospital to get a full day of information about  life before and after surgery. What to expect, and what I need to do to succeed. It'll be a full day full of information, and I hope I don't dissociate and lose all the info.

I signed up for a course that's part of a psychologist ph.d degree. She's at my university. It's about self-compassion. We've had two course days, and there's two or three left. During the half-day during the week-end we did a lot of mindfulness and yoga excersises throughout the day, but when at the end of the day we were to be self-compassionate with ourselves I couldn't do it. I dissociated. But yet still, it was interessting. And I hope I'll get to that point too, maybe in a year - two, or five. It doesn't matter when, as long as it happens. And I think maybe the seed has been planted. I just need to tend to it.
Self-compassion, according to research, is more stable and steady compared to your concept of self worth. Self-compassion will help you overcome failures, and be forgiving to yourself. We all have it in us, compassion, but like so many of us I am compassionate towards others, but not towards myself.
I hate to admit it, but in my head, in my own world, there are a different set of rules for me. Mines are harder, stricter and sometimes impossible to live up to. It's not that I think myself special or more worthy, it's the other way around. I find everyone else special and worthy.  This of course means I have some internal battles that never seem to have an end. There are holes in my illusion of set of rules that I cannot explain.
I hope self-compassion will make me sturdier meeting the trauma-therapy that I'm about to engage in. I hope self-compassion will help me hate my body less. And I hope self-compassion will help me suceed once the surgery has been commenced. Be it after the summer, or in yet another year from now.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I'd like to wish you well for your session with your T later today, and also hope that your studying goes well - I also wanted to just pop by and give you a hug.  You did the same to me in my Journal and I appreciated it very much, so wanted to reciprocate and pop by.   
What you wrote in your diary - I related to - because when I was at University doing my studying years back, I used to dissociate in lessons and sessions as well - it made it harder to learn, and I don't think I realised that I was doing it back then - i.e. I was so in the fog I couldn't even see it at the time - but the fact is you are aware, and that's a positive thing, as you're getting help now, and I really think that's great. 
I've read a book on Compassion that was by someone called Paul Gilbert, it was a great book - and I hope you enjoy that course, if you choose to do it.
Take care,
Hope 

[Sceal]

Thank you Hope. A hug right now is very much appreciated . I am waiting for the bus to take me up to my T.
I tried to study, but I am currently reading about PTSD and I wasn't able to focus. I just kept being reminded of what I am soon to do.

I am not always aware when I dissociate that I am doing it. But I notice afterwards, and it fills me with frustration. Of what I could have learned. The time that vanished.  I hope it'll get better and better with time. And hopefully eventually it won't happen anymore.

I left the house. Went to the mall. The sun is shining and despite the cold it was nice to have lunch outside. I don't have sun in the garden at this time of year. It hangs to low.
I distracted myself by reading a fictional book called The Bear and the Nightingale. It's quite nice. It's set in old Rus and is influenced by fairytales.

It's giving me inspiration to work creatively. A professor said last lecture that he didn't think that anyone had written a story about eyore from Winnie the Pooh as having PTSD and challenges any who were creative to do so. I am thinking of doing it. But I need to do some research first, I did some already. Turns out the author of Winnie the Pooh had PTSD.

[DecimalRocket]

Dissociation is tough, Sceal. I've had similar experiences, and just suddenly forgetting certain important events leave me uneasy. It's like an itch I have to scratch to remember, but I can't.

Interesting choice to create a spin off of a classic. It reminds me when I watched a horror creative writing channel called Tale Foundry recently and the classic cosmic horror writer, H.P Lovecraft. He often wrote stories and allowed people to use and be inspired by his world and characters - allowing his ideas to become a modern mythology in Western Horror today. They have the same thing going on in the programming world where people post code online and let people edit, be inspired by or use it.

Maybe we've lived through the same stories and myths. But we tell it in our own way that slowly changes it across history.

Well, see you around, Sceal. 

[Sceal]

  Rocket.

-----

I haven't checked in here for a while.  And I'm not even sure if I will press "Post" at the end of writing this.
I've started proper trauma T. It's hard, it's painful. I'm walking around with an increased distrust of people. Of strangers, of friends, of family, of health care professionals. And all I've really done so far is to tell my T what happened that first time. Or rather, I wrote it down, because I can't use words. I'm scared of her now.
I'm scared of her judgement, I'm scared she'll think less of me. I'm scared my first experience of abuse that I can recall wasn't bad enough. A part of me know that her judgement of me doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter what she thinks of me, and that my experience was bad, it was definitively bad enough. But I don't believe that part of me, I really don't.
When I got home from that appointment I threw up, for hours. Despite not really having had much food to eat that day. And I just couldn't eat for the next 3 days. It's better now. Food wise. Sort of.

I don't know if this is dissociation or not. But I think part of me can't sympathize with the 5-year old me, because that is also the current me. I can't distinguish it as a part of the past emotionally, or even "rationally", because my reality is being confused and twisted.  I am back at being 16-17, except the people in my life and my "occupation" and living conditions are recognized as the 31 year old me.  I act like I did when I was 16-17, I hide my reality-confusion. I don't know what's real, so I await to see how other reacts and say before I respond. So they wont notice. Hopefully.

I'm no longer going to be a student. I'm not fit. It's too much right now. and somehow I have to face my parents to tell them. And that scares me. I become 14, when I have to bring this up. I've kept them at arms distance since I was a child, I don't know how not to do that anymore. Despite it keeps hurting me.  I don't trust them, I guess is the reason why. And a part of me is questioning whether I have underestimated them my entire life. But what other choice did I have at the time? Now I do have another choice, question is.. am I willing and or capable of living up to it? Can I face them? How much, how little should I say? I don't know, and it spirals out of control.

So, I ignore it all the best of my abilities by feeding my brain tv-series and reading books. I'll regret this once I turn my head back on again, the wasted time. I just... I've stopped working. 

[sanmagic7]

o honey, i don't think this is wasted time at all.  getting truly into your trauma easily can send us base over teapot and it sometimes takes a bit before we can right ourselves again.  you need this time to process, let things settle, find your footing again.  thank you for not deleting this. 

may i suggest you not say anything to your parents until this process has been worked thru for you?  you're pretty vulnerable right now, and i don't know that it will benefit you to 'take them on' at the moment.  besides, school is your personal decision, whether to go or not, when, if, where.  right now it sounds like you need some time away from the intellectual pressure as you're moving thru emotional minefields.

i give you all kinds of credit, sceal, for working with your trauma.  it has sounded like your t has been careful and caring with you in the past, which makes me think that there will be no judgment, no right or wrong, no shaming or blaming - nothing but continued care and support for you.  i pray i'm seeing it correctly for your sake.

in the meantime, binge, read, rest, relax, no pressure, just be for a while.  you deserve that so much.  touching on the trauma portion of recovery is difficult, takes lots of work and energy.  this is not wasted time, but rather time for re-grouping and healing those parts of us that feel the fear and mistrust all over again.

sending a hug filled with lots of love, support, and gentle understanding. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Sceal. You were gone for quite a bit. I couldn't help but worry if something wrong happened to you, and I'm sorry something has.

I agree with San. You need time to rest, rewind and recover. I remember Blueberry said something when in an EF. That when you have an EF, especially one as intense and long as this,— it's like you have the flu. You can't expect yourself to be able to accomplish as much and you need a lot of rest. Not a good idea to make important decisions at this stage either.

Take care, Sceal. I know it can be hard. From what I've seen, you do have it hard. You are worthy of being taken seriously and taken good care of. If you have a different opinion from me and San, it's fine. I support that too. I support that you have the right to have your own opinion, even if you get scared to have one sometimes.

if that's okay.

[Sceal]

To San:
Thank you dear. I am trying to be mindful about taking breaks, and about stopping up and checking about what's going on within me. But those things are easier if I am in an environment that allows me to do so. The SA center allows me to do so. I can sit in a chair near the bookshelves and just do nothing. At home that's not really an option, I'm not sure why. No one is forcing me to do anything at home.  But being better at these things, does not mean I'm adept or good at it.

I blurted it out to my dad today, right before we were going to a free lecture about some islands (which turned into a history lecture on vikings. It was pretty cool and unexpected) that my dad wanted to go to. He wasn't pleased, but not overly displeased either. He just asked me about exams - and that was it. Although, him asking about exams is making me analyze it to that he still cares more for professionalism, education and work rather than health. And it's not a great feeling. I didn't plan to tell him, I had planned to wait. Until I've had it all figured it out and what it meant to me. And to be less vulnerable.

To Rocket;
Thank you for worrying, it means alot to me. 
I can see the logic and value from where Blueberry is coming from, although during the moments it is hard to actually comprehend. It's just spinning out of control. Not in a way that makes me panic and crawl into a baby-position, but more that it feels like nomatter what I choose to do - it has no impact and nothing is real.
-----

My T had recently learned a new term. It's was something one of her colleagues had told her. That there is such a thing as a "flash forward". Something similar to a "flash back". In a "flash back" you re-experience an awful memory or event that happened to you, and it can paralyze you or put you into a state of emotional pain and confusion. But in "flash forward" it is a similar thing, except.. it hasn't happened yet. To illustrate with my own case. My T now has the details of what happened during my first abuse. I can't take that back, I can't undo that. It's no longer a secret. And I start becoming terrified of what my T must think of me. If she's judging me, if she thinks less of me, of she thinks I'm overreacting and more. All of these thoughts spin out of control and I get overwhelmed by shame and fear - and I'm scared of facing her again. I'm scared of trusting, I'm scared of telling more. I'm avoiding the topic, I dissociate because that is safer.  So it's a reaction to what might, potentially happen in the future between me and another person.

I found it a smart terminology. It's not an official one or anything like that. But it's a phenomena that is slightly different from rumination and worrying about what others might think of me. Although, I'm not sure if I described the difference very well.

[Sceal]

I wont see my T until 10th of April.
I know many here doesn't have a regular T, or can only see theirs a few times a year.
Due to the DBT program I've been in for the past year, I've seen my T every week with the exception of christmas and summer holiday. And it's difficult each time. I know I can call her today, and get her to talk to me.
But I don't know what to say. I just need comfort, and I don't know how to ask for that. Because, comfort from what?
She's not the one I should get comfort from anyway. She's my T, not my friend or my mother.
I guess it's because next week is Easter, and I know everything shuts down. My country everything goes on a shut down for 5.5 days. Shops are closed, doctors office are closed, Half the country leaves for the mountain, the other half splits into going abroad or staying at home.  The SA center will close as well.

I'm going back to sleep.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
You've really said many things there about what you would perhaps like your T to help you with - i.e. how to cope with the lengthy time at April over Easter - and what things you might do to make that time more 'comforting' and bearable - maybe she can talk to you about things you could do to cope better over that time.

I just wanted to give you a supportive and friendly and hopefully comforting hug  and also say that there will be lots of us around over Easter - here on the forum.  I will certainly be popping in here - and so really we can't be alone with such a great and supportive place to come.  That is what I tell myself too, and it does help to know that.

Anyway, I hope you slept well and that you are ok.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

great term, flash-forward.  i like it, it makes perfect sense to me.

maybe you can use that with your t if you decide to call her.  that you're 'flash-forwarding' and could just use a few words of reassurance or comfort.  for what?  for the flash-forwarding you're experiencing, for the time coming up when your routine with her will be interrupted, for the fact that you told your dad and feeling a bit uneasy about it. 

like hope says, you will not be alone during the shut-down time.  people will be here, be with you.  we're with you all the way, dearest sceal.  love and a big hug.