Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for reminding me it is shining through. It is always good to hear from someone who I admire so much. Your strength is something I admire on a regular basis.

I love the angel wings, it is such a great image and helps me breathe. Thank you for admiring my determination and for all the love you give me. 

[Elphanigh]

I am doing better today, as I have said it is a roller coaster. Today is an up day, but I fought and worked hard to get to this up day. I have a goal, well a small step to a goal. Major goal being self talk, and self compassion.

I realized what I say to myself when I am spiraling, when I struggle to get back up. There is a lot, but I realize one of the most poisonous is that I am broken, and I need to be fixed. That language is poisonous to me and probably helps keep me down longer. I want to instead recognize that I am a human that has been hurt, and injured in ways that can't be seen. I am a person that wants and can heal, not a thing that is broken that has to be fixed.

So from now on I work on that language to myself.

I am a human that wants to and can be healed. I am a person that was hurt, not a thing that is broken. I do not have to be fixed, because I am not broken. I am going to choose to heal because I want to grow and learn, not because there is something inherently wrong with me.

[Three Roses]

I am a human that wants to and can be healed. I am a person that was hurt, not a thing that is broken. I do not have to be fixed, because I am not broken. I am going to choose to heal because I want to grow and learn, not because there is something inherently wrong with me.

LOVE this.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three roses. It makes me feel good to read it again. I want to believe that of myself, and truly think that simple phrasing will make sure a difference for me.  I need to pair it down to something I can easily say to myself, and have written somewhere for a reminder.

[Three Roses]

When I am having difficulty with a concept or whatever, and I feel the need to keep a reminder with me, I usually carry something with me in my pocket for that day. I have several stones which are symbolic to me, and when they're in my pocket I will feel them from time to time, sometimes accidentally, and be reminded of a truth I want to incorporate into my life. I also want to do this with more tattoos. You're awesome. Thanks for being here.

[Elphanigh]

That's a great idea, Three Roses. Thanks! I have some things at home that I could probably use. I too want to do it with more tattoos, I have two that I really want to get (have to get the cash). I already have two that mean things, but not recovery things. I wasn't where I could do that yet when I got them. You are amazing as well 

[sanmagic7]

great statements, elphanigh.  i love how you're finding more and more what's helpful for you.  beautiful, just like you.   big hug.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. I am coming to myself slowly. I am trying to accept everything and learn. I thought I was through the whole accepting phase several years ago, but I have more truth to accept. Both about my abuse and myself. Finding things like that to help clear the poison and accept my truth are going to be slow but vital I think

[Elphanigh]

I think my journey to being healthy is going to be a long one, but I can see some short term progress, and goals that will enable me to be able to succeed in grad school, and function more how I want to.

I am seeing progress in myself this morning. Realizing that I am more aware of my own thoughts, and what I need to do. I am more cognizant of what it is that I do that is unhealthy or that might be wise to reform a bit. I know I am a good, kind person that has done a lot in life. I don't need to change who I am as much as just to help grow some areas that got neglected, or things that I used as negatives that can be turned into positives.

I am coming to accept things as they were. Calling my family abusive, and recognizing that I was traded and can call it that.

Being healthy for me is going to mean being aware more, and accepting more.  Knowing the mass of what happened to me, and accepting it in pieces, then as a whole. It is hard to accept that much cruelty as a whole, but I know I don't have to be there yet. I can accept the pieces of the puzzle first and go from there.  I can see my own strength and can feel wiser this morning. I  have been through more than any human ever should (as have we all) and have come through such a long list of abuse, some of it horrific, and I am still standing. I can still love and be kind unlike anything I was ever taught. Somehow I saved myself, no one else did. I had to save me, and somehow I managed to save so much of what was good in me. Even when I couldn't see that it existed.

I made it this far mostly on my own, and now I have help. I have this forum, I have people in my life outside of here as well. I have books and resources now that I didn't have. I am grateful for everyone that I do have, that accepts my story as my truth. Doesn't think I would fabricate any of it.. no matter how much there is to it.

This is just a journal entry to jot down what is in my  head. I am in a pretty intense stage of my journey so the highs and lows are really rough right now. Turbulent would be a good word for life right now. It looks like it is doing me some good though, that I am coming more into myself. That some more positive beliefs, or at very least some awareness is coming from this

[sanmagic7]

you go!  this sounds so positive and strong.  coming more into yourself is a goal for many of us, and it's a beauty.  you got this!   big hug!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, this was positive! I am brave and myself today. For the first time in a month or so I actually feel like myself. It isn't the best feeling. I am going after what's I need, and still managing to live my life.

I actually just got back from a date. So I am happy and should get some sleep before a long day at work tomorrow.

Thank you for your endless support and love. It has helped me so much! This forum has been so healing for me, and you in particular have truly come to contribute to that. On both my good and bad days you are always her. Thank you so much my dear friend. 

[Elphanigh]

Last night was a set back, and it is testing my ability to not self-blame. Blaming myself gives me the sense of control, but I know blaming myself is poisonous and wrong. I was responsible and tried to be safe.. I did everything I could have. Some how my drink still got spiked.. some how I ended up almost blacked out.. with very little memory of my night.. I know enough to draw the conclusion that nothing happened. There wasn't enough time between the phone calls I made and when someone got me for anything to have happened... Thank goodness for survival instincts.. even when I am nearing blackout.. adrenaline and instinct saved me

I know I can save myself at least for a part of the night... but it is so terrifying to not truly remember most of my night... I hurt so much today (I assume from the beach volley ball I was playing).. and I just feel unsafe and violated.. no one did anything because I got to a safe place by my own will power... but being drugged is a terrifying feeling.. so unsafe.. had I not figured out that my locked car with music on was my best bet.. I probably would have gotten hurt.. among the crowd that had come in from the storm.. near the guy that I can best tell would have been the one to poor my beer...

It has set me back a bit.. I have to spend the time processing and trying to feel safe. Trying to comfort my inner child.. and the adult me that is rightfully freaked out as well.

[Elphanigh]

I have found my strength again today. The triggers are starting to subside, and I am starting to feel more like myself. Thursday night was terrifying but I am stronger than letting it get me for two long. Nothing happened, and for that I thank my survival instincts. I made the rigth decisions even in the state that I was in. I am thankful sometimes that I have learned the things I have. Well, at least that I can use them and avoid more hurt.

It will take me a while to feel safe, but I have become so much better at self-care. I can give myself good encouragement for that. Previously this would have knocked me back so much farther.. but now I can ground myself, and I know when to practice strong self-care. I did all the things my body, and mind needed to start to feel better. This horrible thing shows me that I am improving. I wish it hadn't happened but there is a good light in all the chaos.

[Elphanigh]

As I am feeling more like myself, I am determined to not be afraid. Being in constant fear is no way to live, I did all that I could and can't blame myself for it. Also not everyone in the world is like that, I have been there many times, and have gone many places where servers bring drinks and never had that happen. I will be careful if I ever go back (I want to, it was a fun place for me. I could be myself.. so I am determined to face that place) I am going to do EMDR on it on Tuesday with my T. She is curious as to if it was me dissociating, rather than someone drugging me. Although it doesn't sound completely like dissociation.. not in my experience but she asked. No judgement just wanting to get a good idea of what happened.

I don't think it was dissociation.. I have never dissociated to where I didn't remember much of anything. That was never something that has happened unless I was having a "normal  flashback" I get EFs but I normally remember things and know what is going on. Although it is hard to call it an EF until I am out of it and realize it. But I don't lose my memory.. Not except for the fact I know there are gaps in memory about my childhood.. but I was little then.. That makes sense. There was no danger or threat bad enough for me to dissociate like that.. and when I finally got a safe person, I knew who and where exactly I was.

Either way the EMDR will hopefully help me re-frame some thoughts on that place, so I can go back and not just be terribly triggered.

I have also decided to write my story for OOTS. It is going to be a good challenge.  I am glad to be able to contribute to this wonderful place. If writing my story could help others to heal, and give some younger people more hope and reason to start rather than put it off, I would be forever grateful. So I have a project.

[sanmagic7]

you are amazing!  such strength, courage, and that warrior spirit shining thru.  you'll beat this.

and, of course you felt violated - you were.  that was a violation of your trust.  keep going, elphanigh.  you're doing so well.  big hug, sweetie.