Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, dear. I really appreciate every time you point out my strength and courage. It reminds me that I do have a warrior inside me.

Always love your hugs 

[Elphanigh]

I got triggered last night around a girl I am dating... it is the first time she has had to deal with it. Being who I am, I went into care taker mode... I cared for her fears of it, and tried to reassure her of everything and that it wasn't her fault. I am paying for that decision today, because instead of processing the trigger last night I buried it in me to care for her. So it is this giant pit in my stomach this morning, and makes me want to run from everyone.

I have therapy tonight, and I am not sure what to focus on anymore. The triggers from Thursday were pretty terrifying.. last night is bugging me because she kisses like one of my abusers, my other half that I am also kind of still dating has gone radio silent. I need to leave her but I know I break my own heart the second I do that. I know that I have tried twice and failed to leave her. I also know I love her.. there is something different about her. I also miss the fact she understood my triggers.. I never had to care for her when they happened  because she was naturally good with them. She didn't run or need too much confirmation. I never had to care for her in that situation.. she understood. I miss that a lot. I miss that she was strong when I couldn't be, she recognized my child mode or when I was slightly triggered and I hadn't recognized it yet.

Either way therapy is bound to be a big one today. Work pressure is so big lately... I am burying myself  in it today. It seems to be the only thing that makes sense right now. I want to run but I can't because I have people counting on me..

[sanmagic7]

good luck with your session - i hope it goes well.  i think as you continue to let all this stuff out, you will find what you need.  right beside you, sweetie.   big hug.

[Elphanigh]

It did go really well. I worked through Thursday night and I could focus on that one incident instead of getting overwhelmed and washed away by emotions.  It was really empowering to start being able to do emdr and control it to the extent it isn't dangerous, but let myself cry as I needed too. My T is phenomenal and is doing it in short sections of letting me sit with the image or thought instead of longer time periods in my own head. They got longer as it got more clear I could handle it. She is a wonderful reassuring person.

She reminded me of my own strength as well

[Elphanigh]

There is so much strength and light in my posts recently, I can feel and see it. There is a sense of the person I am becoming in them, and in my right now. However, it is mixed with this background ache. For the loss of someone so important. Sara helped me decide to go to therapy again, because I knew she would be there to help me through the tough days. She was always there in those moments... for every flashback, or emotional day. Never perfect but she could be strong when I couldn't be. I have to do all of that on my own now.

In therapy yesterday my T told me that I had all of that in me, that my strength just kind of oozes. To the extent that my reaction is not freeze or fawn etc.. it is survival. My normal setting is survival, because of my strength. I can see truth in that, in the way I handle literally everything in my life. She also assured me that now that I  have had a person that did that for me, that I could pull from those feelings and grant myself that kind of comfort and strength. I am not convinced but I will need to try. Her reassurance was that I did so well to take care of myself on my own for so many years. I mentioned thinking I had done terribly at it before, and she pointed out all the ways I cared for myself and saved myself. I could see and feel the strength in myself for once.

This loss hurts, and will for a while I think. She still hasn't ended the radio silence so we just aren't talking. She doesn't know but I think after so many days of silence from me she will know. It is not unlike her to disappear, but it is certainly unlike me. It hurts for someone that cares so much for me normally to have made such a switch over the last few months. It hurts to lose my safety  net. But I will  be okay again. I always am.

On a positive note, I have actually been doing and reading my research. It is so great! Somehow I have finally had the mental energy for it about 3 days in a row now. Will really strive to continue that. I see grad school ahead of me and will shoot for that future. The life that I want so much to lead. That I have worked through so much to achieve. Getting her was not an easy feat. I could  have hid in the abuse and sunk.. never come out of it.. but I did the opposite. I did the perfect grades, super involved, and went and got a great education to start with. I am capable of the next step to the life I have put in front of myself. I just have to keep focused and keeping working hard.

I will get to healthy, and I will get to have that life as well. I am a fighter with all the strength and determination of a true warrior. I may feel this ache, and I will have my difficulties with it, but it will free me to a new stage. I can get a new level of recovery tackled.

[Elphanigh]

I am so strong.. I have put myself through so much, and got myself through so much in my life. Truly I shouldn't have made it through, the fact that I did and am doing things like high level education etc is an accomplishment. How is it then, that one person can make me feel so weak? That one person can make it so hard to control my emotions. I am normally so careful about when I share or show them.. so calculated in sharing them, and only truly feeling them in places I am alone or in places I can fully trust. I am decisive and goal driven... How can one person hit my heart strings so hard that despite my calculated and goal driven personality can be so hurt... so madly in love with that I ache so much... someone that there is hurt on both sides..  but that no matter what I know I need to do there will always be a part of me that wants her... How can someone be like superman's kryptonite to me? (watching too much supergirl.. sorry not sorry)

She understood my abuse, helped lead me to feel like I was strong enough to deal with it. She was there for my memories, and for the moments where I was scared. I read people so well, it is trained from so many years... and I do really well to choose safe good caring humans to be my people. I learned.. I can read the love in her... if nothing else in the hurt she feels because I pulled away.. in her eyes.. and how she treated me when things were good.

She brought me to my recovery.. she was part of the reason I started.. because I finally had a stable foundation, I had someone that could help me through triggers and that believed in me. That could hear the worst of my past and look at me with nothing but love and compassion. She was my partner, and a good one.

I don't understand how we have managed to hurt each other so much.. to have drifted so far from what once was.

I hate that my heart is so large sometimes. I know my ability to care and to love... to have such deep compassion and feelings makes me special in some ways. It makes me different. It makes the joys bigger, but the lows lower as well. But it helps me care and love everyone.. It helped me to protect and care for everyone when I was so little. It helped me keep my goals in front of me and a love for life despite everything.

I love my heart for some of the things it can do, but I hate it for the same reasons. It makes me so strong most times, but it makes me so weak as well.

[sanmagic7]

is it really a weakness, to love so deeply, profoundly?  or a gift that not everyone shares.  yes, when we love like that, the pain will be worse if things go wrong than for someone who loves superficially.  but they will never know that level of compassion or empathy that is second nature to some of us.

i think your strength firmly overshadows any weakness you might feel because you love the way you do.  i don't see you as being weak for wanting what you had at one time.  loving and being loved is the highest thing we do as humans, don't you think?   it's the best feeling ever, to my mind.  why wouldn't i want that all the time, long for it, yearn for it at times.

unfortunately, the reality is that loss is also in this mix in one way or another.  still, i truly think that to be able to love, to take the chance that loss may happen and the pain that comes with it, is worth it.  i couldn't not love, wouldn't want to, and have survived many painful losses.   but, i absolutely would not give up loving with all my heart, and i will always look for more opportunities.  i don't see that as weak, but maybe it's just me putting my own spin on it.  peace to you, sweetie, and a big hug as well, filled with love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for putting your spin on it. I do recognize it as a strength and something that I should be glad I can do. I am glad for it sometimes, I just wasn't yesterday. I was feeling all the pain from the last like three weeks all at once.. from my old relationship, to the loss of my grandfather, to my parents possible divorce, my mom being sick, all the memories that came flooding back, to the suicidal bout I dealt with...

I guess I hadn't truly felt them and it felt like breaking.. it felt like my heart was the enemy that was going to break me in pieces.

I really love how you look at it, and I know I wouldn't change how I love. It can be so good, and I have met so m any amazing people and kept them in my life because I can do that.

I have my first day off in over two weeks tomorrow. I haven't had a day off from work since the 4th. So it should help bring me a bit of peace. I just need to get through today

[sanmagic7]

i guess i didn't realize, either, that you were feeling all those losses at once. yeah, that can be overwhelming, for sure.  no wonder you felt weak - you were holding a burden that was so very huge, it was crumbling you.

enjoy your day off tomorrow.  i don't doubt it will help.  big hug, you sweet and loving soul.

[Elphanigh]

San it is okay you didn't realize it. I didn't when I first typed that journal entry. It took some time with my thoughts and tears to realize I was just crumbling because of everything. That I hadn't let myself feel the burden that was on me... It is a survival mode thing for me. I can pick up and do everything I need to do, put myself together and not feel it in the ways that eventually have to happen. I don't feel the sadness at first. It is an instinctual reaction when I have so much going on. I recognize the stressors and things get rough but to an extent I can function, keep moving, and doing everything that I have to.

My T said that my natural reaction is survival. That is my go to mode. She is interested that it is not a flight/freeze/fawn etc... it is truly just survival. I can look at it, say this and this need done, no matter what it hurts this is what I need to survive and function. It does that until I am in a safe place (normally weeks, or months down the road..) when my body just  can't hold onto it all. I eventually end up taking a night to breathe and end up falling apart. Which is what happened last night.


I just didn't realize immediately what it was that was making me feel so weak. It was everything, not just her

The day off will be great. I have brunch with friends, then I can take time in the library and such. It will be great 

[Elphanigh]

I feel like so much happens in three days. I  have been reading but not posting. I wrote my story for Kizzie to use on the board. That was a huge step. I am actually kind of nervous about the reactions to it.  I am so glad to share and to help if I can, but it is a big step to share that publicly for me. It is like putting the worst of me out there, and hoping for good reactions.

I have been feeling so loved by this girl I have been seeing but I realize I am terrified to hurt her.. To do something wrong sexually that it hurts her.. She is new and it worries me. She triggered me once because she kisses mildly like one of my abusers, but that has seemed to recede a bit. I feel better about that and don't feel triggered since. However I realize emotionally.. I can't do things I know she wants to badly because I am scared to hurt her.

I think that goes back to things as a kid.. to hurting my sister.. to my female abuser that I am so terrified to be like... to the damage that females caused me. Which were as bad if not worse some days that what the multiple males put me through. Eventually I will need to get past this boundary.. and I feel so bad that I have it.. I mean it doesn't help I feel guilty because the other relationship  I am still technically in but not in the same country. I mean they know about each other, and I have always been allowed to date outside of the original relationship if I wanted to.. I just neve rhave.. and not being on talking terms with the original one is really hard because this should be being talked about more.. and I am trying but failing at getting that to happen.

I hate not knowing how to feel. Also I hate having to explain the abuse and the symptoms as they come up to someone new... to someone that doesn't understand.. I think she wants to but I feel like she never truly gets it.. and that I can't explain well enough why certain things happen.. or why my boundaries are so weird sometimes. I have to be reminded of the abuse to be able to explain to her.. and it is hard to have that happen randomly. I am glad she cares to learn but it is hard for me.. I hate that no matter who I ever see in my life I will never not have to disclose this.. because it affects me so much... relationships are complicated enough without that added complication.. I wish I could just be normal sometimes. I'm not and never will be. I wasn't granted that.

It does bring up some anger but I don't think my body is fully ready to feel that anger. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach sometimes but I can never stay with it very long.

[sanmagic7]

are you terrified to hurt her physically or emotionally?  somehow i didn't get which.  i'm not saying one is worse than the other, just that there may be different ways to go about getting some resolution.

if you're beginning to feel that anger, then i have no doubt that it will eventually bubble up when you're ready. 

i'm glad your therapy is going well for you.  that certainly helps everything else, i think. 

elphanigh, i can't even tell you how glad for you i am that you're feeling your strength.  even when you're crumbling, it's showing.  it seems like maybe you're beginning to realize when these things are piling up on you a little sooner, and are able to manage them a little better.  that would be progress, to my mind.

well done, sweetie.  i think you're doing really well.  big hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

San, thank you for the response. I always get a little excited to see a response from you.

I am terrified more of hurting her emotionally, but physically on some level. Both of them bother me a lot, but the emotional bit is more prevalent in my thoughts usually

The anger has come in small bits before. I got angry a tiny bit a few years ago, at the people that never saved me. It comes in waves sometimes now.. life I can go into little bits of the anger now.. recognizing it. I hate it a lot though so I never let it stay long. It isn't an emotion I am used to dealing with or feeling much at all. I am too scared of myself when angry. I am too scared to be like my mom, or my grandmother.. I am terrified to be like all the angry people in my life that caused me such great harm with it. I am afraid it will take over.

I am glad my strength continues to show even in all the crumbling. I can feel it, and am trying to keep hold of it. I think you are right that I am recognizing things a little sooner. I can then deal with them slightly better.

Thank you. I am just trying my best every day. It is all I have to give. Hugs to you as well 

[sanmagic7]

well, your best is showing, that's for sure.  in a good way.

have you talked to her about any of your fears?  do you feel like sharing them here?  if not, that's ok, too. 

elphanigh, i think the people who are concerned about things like not being a good parent, or that they're going to end up like someone who used anger in a hurtful way are the very people who make the best parents and are nothing like people with rage and hurtful anger.

from experience, i know now how much holding my anger in has hurt my body, how badly it has affected it.  now i get anger out every chance i can, even tho it's not at the people who deserve it.  most of them i'm nc with, so it's out of the question.  but that anger does need to be physically expressed in order to release the toxins it produces when we keep it inside.

i've done it thru writing, drawing (scribbles, really - i'm no artist, but i could make a stick person picture of my daughter's face with a snake coming out of her mouth.  that's the feeling i got), and the ever popular (in my world) pounding my bed and letting cuss words fly.   it gets the poison out, it's got a specific focus, and it doesn't hurt anyone.   it can be exhausting, but in a good way.  i always feel better after i do it.

so many of us are scared of our anger specifically because we're afraid it will be like the anger of someone else.  i just don't believe that's necessarily true.  it can be if we let it go unchained and with hurtful intent.  on the other hand, releasing anger mindfully is so very different.   we do that in a way where we don't break things or ourselves (unless you intentionally want to break something because it was a 'gift' from someone who abused you.  i've done that several times, and it felt wonderfully whole somehow.  it's just that you've got to clean it up afterwards, but to me that was always a small price to pay.)

anyway, there are ways and means to relieve yourself of anger.  start small, see how it feels, give yourself time for a break and some contemplation.   of course, this is only if you're ready for it.  i'm not trying to push this on you or anyone.  just giving my experience and how it went for me.  best to you with it.  i'm just glad you're beginning to get in touch with it.  in your time, it will come.  big hug, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for such the thoughtful response.

I have told her I am scared of hurting her. That I am worried that emotionally it could cause her harm.. or that I would do something that didn't feel right to her. I think I am afraid of being the woman that did things to me when I was a kid. She is new to it so I worry that I will do something that will scare her because it is so new to her. I can't fathom the idea of hurting her or scaring her.l of feeling like my abuser.

*trigger warning*

I have been there.. I was forced to do sexual things to my sister.l and then repeated those things as a game when I was like 14 with some friends.. I was forced to do what would be the most simple and general place to start as far as sex goes with a woman. I know what it feels like to scare someone to make them feel wrong... I also know what it is like to be on the receiving end of that... I have slept with other women and never truly had this fear but with her I get it so strongly. Part of me goes back to being that little girl.. and seeing the face my sister used to make.. or the feeling s I had at first when my female abuser did it to me...

I even get this fear with the girl I am dating when she tries to do certain things.. I don't fear for me, I fear for her.. it is unusual

She knows the most basic level of that.. that I am afraid I will hurt her or that something will go wrong. She reassures me she is fine.. but I am struggling to get past it for whatever reason.


As far as my anger... you hit it to a tee. I am also convinced I would be a terrible parent. So afraid to mess up, to give them my problems. Thank you for examples of ways to get it out, I used to play soccer to get the aggression out. I felt so lost when I didn't have that.. and then buried any sense of anger that existed in me. It is coming back. It might be time to deal with it. Also a good topic to speak with my T about this week.

I don't want to hold it in so much that my body suffers, and do love that's you share so much so I can learn from you.